Best Friend Israel Never Had

When you broker a peace treaty between Israel and the United Arab of Emirates, dismantle the nuke timeout deal with Iran and move our embassy to Jerusalem, it makes President Trump more of a Hebrew Nationalist. But black Hebrews can’t be anti-Jew because they’re the real chosen people according to Nick Cannon. Plus, in Nick Cannon’s defense, he isn’t another self-hating Jew hire to manage the post woke editorial board for the New York Times.

Michael Kornbluth

 

What GenX Dads Understand

My 90-year-old great Aunt Marion asks me, “Why does your daughter need to know Kung Fu?” I say, “Because if Uma Thurman knew how to execute the 5 point palm heart exploding punch in real life, Ethan Hawke would’nt have dared to bang their nanny at home, when she was busy filming Kill Bill 2. Also, banging your nanny is such a GenX slacker move. You never have to leave the couch.

Michael Kornbluth

Israel Isn’t Pushover Putzy, Sorry

Enough with Israeli aggression. If your sworn enemy, whose been hellbent on your total destruction since the dawn of time, starts to fire 800 rocket into your backyard. Don’t expect an Edible Arrangements gift basket in return, with a thank you note written in Farsi.

Michael Kornbluth

Arizona Dreaming

Arizona Feds seized 45,000 Fentanyl pills at the border. It wasn’t the spring-cleaning Obama was hoping for. For Halloween, I dressed my family as the one from American Dad. I posted a picture of us on Facebook for my parents to see in Arizona, which said: Build The Pool Fence. We almost dressed as The Cleveland Show fam but Megyn Kelly stole our thunder.

Michael Kornbluth

Rock and Roll Ain’t Shit Without AC/DC

Rock and Roll ain’t shit without AC/DC and unlike Chuck Berry, legendary howling front man legends Bon Scott and the best picker upper follower up all time and it’s not even close, Brian Johnson, no offense Sammy Hagar, never put a camera in the girl’s room, to spy on new pubescent trim to break in at their restaurant to get a big Kansas City T Bone Special of her own. AC/DC is also Rick Rubin’s favorite band, and he’s the less cagier, earthier, hip hop hipper machine pop culture tectonic shifter shaper equivalent of Phil Spector minus the amazing made for HBO movie about the Ronettes loving, teenager in love soundtrack penning producer legend, gold record shitting Phil Spector, who for some reason decided to chuck it all for a C- bit never was actress, whose big break screen credit was playing the Amazon on The Moon extra 5000. I digress, but Brian Johnson the rip roaring shredding leader singer of AC/DC on Back In Black can no longer perform live because all of his pitch perfect, cannon ball powered shriek blasting for God knows how long has made him borderline deaf. Now all he hears God willing, is Hells Bells.

Michael Kornbluth

 

The Millennial Mouseketeer Generation

AOC claims Millennial Mouseketeers are willing to puncture more taboos than previous generations. For example, she compared our border detention facilities with centralized AC, to Nazi death camps. But the showers in Auschwitz, which AOC couldn’t be bothered to visit, were used for more than mere lice removal babe.

Michael Kornbluth