American Dad Family Halloween Recap

American Dad Family Halloween Recap

Who are you? I don’t get it. Stan Smith, CIA at your service. You know Deep State, Swamp Thing.

American Dad Halloween Dress Up Recap
Who are you supposed to be? American Dad. The show inspired by W fucking our country into economic oblivion. After dragging us into a fake news war. When the Daily Show mattered.

 

Me as American Dad during Halloween trick or treating with my kids.
Vote in big, bright lights on Halloween. So I’m assuming your with her. The wicked witch of the east, Hillary Hammer Time Cankles and Beto. Because he looks good in a Speedo.

Me as American Dad during Halloween.
Vote in big, bright lights on Halloween. Did they lower the voting age in America to 4? What’s an acceptable form of Voter ID now, my son’s Pool pass, his Library Card perhaps?

Me as American Dad for Halloween trick or treating with my kids.

I don’t get your costume. Who are you? Stan Smith, American Dad. We wanted to dress up like the Cleveland Show family but Megyn Kelly stole all our thunder.

Me as Stan Smith for Halloween with my American Dad

I don’t have any beef with vegans. Unless they insist on listening to Samantha Bee audio books over my Do It All Dad Year Podcast. Her shrieks of discontent are murder for my ears.
family.

American Dad Family Halloween Recap
I don’t get your costume. Who are you? CIA, American Dad, Stan Smith. Pushing Roger in a baby stroller passed out in a face full of apple sauce isn’t bolstering my credibility 1 bit.

American Dad Family Halloween Recap
I don’t get your costume. Who are you? Stan Smith CIA, the American Dad. Seth MacFarlane’s most underrated creation. Trump 2020 bitches.

Me as American Dad on Halloween Trick or Treating with my kids.

The Brewers Association Board proposed a new craft brewer definition. How about tastes great with twice the calorie filling. Not that over hill hipsters like yourself give a shit.  Unlike Beto I don’t you see looking to hot in a speedo.

Me as American Dad on Halloween Trick or Treating with my kids.

Google employees protested worldwide to handle the mishandling of sexual misconduct cases under their watch. I’m assuming. The majority of the signs read “Don’t be Fake News Good” or “Stay Classy Ask Jeeves”

Me as American Dad on Halloween Trick or Treating with my kids.

Hillary’s most loyal aide wants Michael Avenatti to run in 2020. Huma had a kid with Anthony Weiner. So she’s not as bright as we think. What’s the campaign slogan Huma? Make The Golden Age of Muff Diving Great Again.

Me as American Dad on Halloween trick or treating with my kids.

Nancy Pelosi got a standing ovation at Springsteen on Broadway after Bruce took her request for Mansion on the Hill. Fuck the song Atlantic City, Bruce. Give me Mansion, Mansion. Little Stevie says. Whose the boss Bruce?

American Dad Family Dress Up Recap

Who are you dressed as? American Dad. This is Klaus. He’s an eastern German Olympic skier trapped in a Goldfish body. He lives in a fishbowl as you can see like all your fake news media heroes really. Good one Stan. Shut up Klaus.

American Dad Halloween Recap
Imposing, smooth, black dude passes by our American Dad family trick or treating and says. Get it, funny. I say. I wouldn’t knock off his MAGA hat Francine. I bet he loves Jim Brown in Mars Attacks to.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

4 Halloween Jokes Is All You Need

This is my impersonation of a gay escort who shows up late for a date with Boy George tonight. I got tied up at this Halloween Party by a Boy George impersonator. He got pretty method on my ass.

Do you think denture mouth Pelosi gives out books like 1000 Places To See Before You Die for Halloween to taunt middle class trick or treaters dressed like Kayne West in sweats and MAGA hats tonight? Smart enough not to wear black face.

John Kerry’s executive mind at work.
Should I ask Julio to build a billboard of my wife’s rotten apple face outside our Beacon Hill townhouse or an ISIS flag tonight to scare MAGA hat trick or treater’s?

Best Halloween prop is.
My wife as Francine from American Dad holding up a Build The Pool Fence sign during our Instagram family photo op. After my son Samuel holding up a cut out picture of Roger’s face taped to a red plastic martini glass.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

New Vasectomy Jokes Made Snippy

Opening sentence to my new chapter entry about getting a Vasectomy called Pulling the Plug On My Life Shooter.

Is men’s productive rights, fake news doc? Does Planned Parenthood offer kickbacks for referrals?

Or I can go with this one.

Is a Vasectomy really permanent doc? Or do you struggle untying triple knots without using your teeth?

Me explaining to my future , older son how pulling out is no sure way to prevent absolute damage from your life sprayer. After explaining to him how his big sister and baby brother weren’t planned at all.

Dad couldn’t pull of a convincing pump fake if his life depended on it.

Plus, I was never touched much as a kid. So daddy became a more excitable boy than most. I couldn’t even make it to 1 Mississippi.

Vasectomy Chapter Title Ideas for my fatherhood success parenting book the Stay At Home Comedian. Controlling my Kids with comedy.

Pulling the Plug on My Life Shooter
Sperm Implanter or Sperm Terminator?

You’re so off the Corporate America grid. When you’re found most under the search term homemaker on LinkedIn. My podcast episode Raising my Kids on Speed was a total giveaway, Artificial Intelligence or not. January Jones is so much hotter than me right now.

Whose conducting Homemaker searches on LinkedIn? Are Jacuzzi Sales Reps using it for desperate housewives to plug? Her schedule is wide open for me. I can squeeze in a quickie after servicing her neighbor in my territory on Friday.

But seriously, whose searching for homemakers on LinkedIn? The VP of growth for the Savage Nation? You know for southern housewives who like to picture Savage with Sean Hannity’s shoulders and Trump’s hair.

Chapter Title Options for my Do It All Dad Imaginary Interview with Andrew Dice Clay.

John Lennon, I fucked him, oh.
Mr. Mom I Fucked him oh.
Potty Train Mouth This
Pay Uncle Rodney Some Respect
Once Upon An Asshole

I like the Hodge Twins. Calling white girls trophies is funny. Too bad they’re aren’t funnier than Mike Epps, even D. L Hughley for that matter. Their tour date announcements are thumping though.

Hear My Bus Coming Column
Did you love my penne vodka with blanched, green goddess essence Broccoli? I give it a 9 dada. You do realize Pizza and Brew uses prosciutto bits for their penne vodka? For more flavoring in their favor.

My Non-Conformist Daughter
Mommy, I don’t want to wear a Halloween outfit for school because I’m dressing up as Haley for Halloween for the American Dad family motif we’re doing, remember? Plus, I’m going to hit the next person who asks me what a hippie is.

Counter attack lines for my 7 year old daughter to use on a boy in her class who questions her lack of protein intake. I’ve got a 4 pack Ryan. You’ve got a zero pack. Did your daddy, nickname you Deltoids Dawn? I didn’t think so.

More counter attack lines for my 7 year old daughter to use on a boy in her class who questions her lack of protein intake. I have zero body mass fat Ryan. Do you even have a core Ryan? Because I just punctured a hole through your argument.

Wife
Only humans have children on purpose.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad/Father of 3
So much for fatherhood making me less of an animalistic prick. You’d think after we banged out 2 accidental miracle babies. I’d ease up on pulverizing Blondie a bit.
Me starting shit with my wife. If you do a Vasectomy search on Google. What website shows up 1st, Web MD or Planned Parenthood? Wife says. Planned Parenthood. I say. They don’t have enough monopolized power over your Fallopian Tubes already?

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Notes from My Beard Exit Interview

Daddy, your chin looks weird without a beard. I say. Normally, beards are camouflage concealers for multiple chins Matilda. Thank God I didn’t balloon from too much IPA intake during my 3-year beard run.

I look less shady slacker with my baby out in public during 9 to 5 working hours.
My worry wrinkles on my forehead do look more prominent. At least now, it doesn’t look like I’m hiding from my problems.
I’m getting checked out by gals more whole heartedly. Wife thinks I’m overthinking it. Beards are hot now. Mel Gibson would beg to differ.
I looked cooler with it. Better grow out more chosen curls again to regain some exterior rock and roll edge. My MATH SAT scores doesn’t mesh with my Investment banker trainee image one bit.
I feel like a poor man’s James Harden without my showboat veneer.

It was the best of stay at home comedian dad times. But I had to shave it to dress up as Stan Smith for our American Dad Halloween family uniform to make my resistor parents uncomfortable as humanly possible.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

American Dad Halloween Dare Scare

Wife says. You have to shave your beard for the part American Dad. I say. And you have to get back in bangable shape again Francine. You can’t have Haley showcase less body fat than you do.

Wife says. You have to shave your beard then to look like Stand Smith Do It All Dad. Who cares? Letterman ruined beards already. Indiana’s answer to Lenny Bruce, corny hick please.

Wife says. You have to shave your beard then. My reply. I could wear a Fake News CIA badge and tell people I’m John Brennan out on an extended holiday.

Wife says. If our family costume is American Dad. Then, the beard has to go. Stay At Comedian Dad replies. And miss out on barbers asking me whether I’m babysitting again as our 3rd kid sucks on a lolly. Because God won’t let me get a beard trim without trying to make the she male stamp stick.

 

Wife says. You have to shave your beard to make a credible Stand Smith American Dad. My dreamy reply. So you get jealous at watching all 3 of our kids feel up my beard for old times sake. Matilda is planning a funeral for it as we speak. The 2nd part happened actually.

I have to shave my beard. You mean the living reminder of my deplorable pariah status since getting fired from Robert Half for my half grown stubble at the time. Good riddance.

Wife insists. The beard must go.  And you have to become animated pin up hot against the kitchen counter top Francine. You’d have to make this Pescatarian comedian dad vegan cheese steak egg rolls for the Super Bowl also.
I’ll shave the beard tonight. I can spray our 3 kids down with shaving scream within the privacy our own home. Resist this Child Services. Baby Samuel doesn’t even know what shaving cream looks like yet.

I’m still waiting for you to shave your beard. Mr. Mom, Stay At Home Comedian, whatever your new Twitter profile says to make you feel better for being my dependent for 3 years and counting.

Is the beard staying or not?  For once, I can pass a drug the test for the CIA. Quest Diagnostics this. Good Morning, Noxzema USA.

American Dad Halloween Dare Scare Aftermath
Before I shave my beard once and for all. I spray down my daughter and 2 sons with shaving cream and get my 4 year old in the eye by mistake. Then, I spray down my 7 year old daughter all over her bod. It felt gloriously inappropriate, spontaneous and magical all at once. Wife flipped out. It was a night for the ages, USA, USA.

By,

Michael Kornbluth