Fuck Lisa Simpson

Why doesn’t Global Warming concern me Lisa Simpson? Because Al Gore’s speaking career has cooled considerably. Plus, last winter, was colder than Harvey Weinstein’s casting couch at The Four Seasons.

Imagine Trumpy Poo debating Lisa Simpson on the huge benefits of fracking. Trumpy Poo says, “Fracking reduces our Co2 emissions Lisa. Ivanka has brains and a smoking hot bod, but you’ll be lucky if Millhouse converts to Buddhism for you, Thelonious Monk. Or do identify more with being the bleached version of Cornell West Spike Top? Stop being so fearful about fracking Lisa. Mass consumption of Mountain Dew in Springfield alone, will make up for the low birth rates in no time. Lisa Simpson says with flabbergasted disgust, “Does fracking really reduce our Carbon emissions? So even Neil Young is full of shit now? Trumpy Poo replies, “Neil Young doesn’t take showers to reduce his carbon footprint, since he dumped his wife for Daryl Hannah because he’s going through a post midlife never banged a Mermaid crisis. So, that much you share in common babe.” Lisa barely musters an audible, “But Bernie.” Trumpy Poo goes in for the final kill shot and says, “Blow your Bernie wind farm talk out of your ass Lisa. When Bernie Sanders was hot, he couldn’t even get recreational weed legalized in Vermont. At this point, Vermont should change their state motto from The Green State to CBD Oil Only. Bernie Sanders couldn’t even make Vermont great for potheads on vacation. And the only waters rising in Martha’s Vinyard are from Obama’s bong water, for some much-needed chill out time after his daughter Malia freaks out at the dinner table over Thanksgiving and says, “Dad, why did you let me intern for Miramax again? “Obama says, “Because back then, it looked good on you resume. Plus, Michelle was your chaperone there on the set of Girls on HBO. And that fat Jew couldn’t pin down Michelle if he tried.”

Michael Kornbluth

Pacifist The Kid

The new state motto for New York should be, The Nanny Nappy State.

According to Chris Rock, the worst thing about COVID is not being recognized in a mask. But how difficult is it to remain inconspicuous when you’re the only black person living in Montclair, New Jersey besides Mary J. Blige, according to Chris?

I don’t want my son to be friends with anybody whose mom calls her a child a self-professed pacifist. Like his mom gave him much of a fighting chance. After an entire playdate, I couldn’t tell if this long haired greaser hipster kid was an androgynous bar wench from Game of Thrones or a testosterone intolerant she-he transplant from Brooklyn like the rest. The kid look looked so strung out skinny, you’d think the mom’s umbilical chord’s only source of nutrition was time release Adderall.

How can ANTIFA be for vaccine mandates? A) ANTIFA strike me as it’s better to burn out than fade away Type A, arsonists types. B) If Antifa is anti-fascist, then why would they fight against anti-vaccine mandates protestors in Boston from Southie? Who weren’t fortunate enough to be Marky Mark’s weed dealer like Turtle from Entourage, before Dirk Diggler branched into rapping and modeling in Calvin Klein briefs on money shot billboards plastered throughout Times Square? C)ANTIFA against vaccine mandate protestors sounds like they’re pro oppression, pro suppression and pro enabling depression, for all the moms and dad’s forced out of work this Christmas, because the CDC recommends, means less to them than In Dr. Gnocchi We Trust. D) If ANTIFA wasn’t in favor of suppression, they’d protest for the opening of safe spaces for jerking it at work in a post #Meto world, to prematurely cleanse it’s woke handlers of any unwanted boner attention lawsuits on their hands.

Michael Kornbluth

Indefensible Idiots

It’s hard to get kinky with your wife when you’re a Stay At Home Dad, because you’re already choking her too hard financially.

Wife says, “Don’t expect me to suck you off. I say, “Pretend Obama ordered you to leak it.”

Why do I need a smartphone? So I can receive more misspelled texts from my retired mother who has all day to correct them.

I want to flip off my smartphone for a flip phone because I’m tired of getting cagy defensive whenever my daughter asks, “Daddy, what do you do after tucking me in at night?” I say, “I squeeze in some daddy time alright.”

Wife just told me I got her a vibrator for her birthday. I said, “Buzz off, and let me finish already.”

What does Chris Rock have to say to Kyrie Irving that’s so edgy deep poignant again? Sell your soul to the CDC and be a big pharma puppet player like me? Or else no clam bake parties in Martha’s Vineyard with Obama Be Good catered by Snoop and Martha Stewart. Those brownies were major creepers boy. I didn’t know if I was flying or dying.

Why should Scottie Pippen be embarrassed to call out MJ for being a condescending prick during the Last Dance doc Stephen A? You know MJ hogs up all the credit for boxing out Laura Pippen from giving him herpes 1st because she already called 1st dibs on Charles Oakley in the VIP Room at Walter Payton’s.

Capitol Rioters, it was a self-guided selfie tour of the Capital Building.

Bill Gates bought 124 acres of land in North Salem after uprooting the local population one vax shot at a time.

They’re pushing the vax on kids now because Bill Gates doesn’t have enough money. Might as well go for the jugular kill shot. Who would want to have kids anymore anyway where every day is Sharia Law is here to stay day?

Pfizer pushing the clot shot on kids by promising superpowers to come with it isn’t too sci-fi demented scary. What’s next, a sci remake of Fahrenheit 451 except the police firemen are on a mission from God to burn every last copy of of Hydroxychloroquine for Dummies that gives Dan Aykroyd the willies? Take the clot shot Joey and you’ll feel empowered enough to press pause on 13 Reasons Why and cyberbully Kyrie Irving on Twitter for being a Mongoloid Moron for not trusting the media and our government like any boy should. Hey, Joey, have you ever seen a grown man naked? Who hasn’t pooped his pants, 1st? So Biden’s pool parties at his beach house in Rehoboth Beach don’t count as Mr. Groper yells to his female Secret Service Agent, “Told you I was bigger than Boogie Boarder Obama? ”

Dropped by the local library with my kids for old times sake. They offer us masks. I say, “Isn’t burying your head in children books about Fuck Face Fauci sufficient? Socially distancing yourself from the Dooie Decimal System, I get this late in your library management career. Also, don’t you think Drag Queen Reading is scary? Fluorescent library lights don’t look flattering on anybody, especially on a poor man’s Marilyn Manson impersonator..

Pfizer claims their COVID pill reduces chances of hospitalization and death by 80 percent. Yeah, and Jackie Robison sweated the prospect of breaking Ty Cobb’s single season record for stolen bases by the All Star break. Go Jackie go, Jackie be good. Jackie Brown not so much. That movie has aged worse than Dinero on the View these days, who looks like Betsy Ross falling apart at the seams, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Ballsy Better Hits

Bourdain and Joan Rivers walk into Heaven. Bourdain says, “How about a titty blast Joan?” Joan says, “I thought you’d never ask. Shit God, can you zap Bourdain’s foreskin off in a flash.”

Fuck Michael Jordan for calling Pippen selfish for daring to postpone knee surgery during the Last Dance. I’d make every day standing down day to, if I was being paid less than BJ Armstrong’s nanny.

If a boy is born 100 percent gay, does he suck down booby milk regardless, because he doesn’t know what his preferred oral fixation is yet?

Explaining Internet porn to my kids eventually. It wasn’t enough for Louie, it’s our last safety rail left. It’s what daddy does to squeeze in some me time alright.  

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre 3 kids. It was the best of times whenever the condom broke from overexertion, as I yelled, “Woo, sex is fun again.”

I’m sacred of getting a vasectomy because I don’t want my ball sack to feel like Edward Scissor’s Hands face.

What Gen X parents understand. Snoop’s Dog’s wine tastes like mouthwash used in porn hood hell.



My son finds the Kama Sutra book in my office. And my son says, “My penis popped out opening it.” Daughter starts singing, “Irresponsible Daddy.” I say, “Matilda, ignore this book because it’s a recipe for Aids.” Daughters says, What’s Aid’s Daddy? I say, “A reason to become a Lesbian. You can take a licking and keep on ticking.”

Daughter gets the book Rebel Girls from Grandma for Hanukkah. Grandma asks, “Do you know who Hillary is?” Daughter says, ” 2-time loser alcoholic, Russian dossier financier, best-selling voodoo doll in Hatti year after year?”

My son is the best slacker alert of all time. Son asks, “Daddy, did you go on the Peloton today? I said, “I got COVID, and food poisoning form the Halal Guys. Son says, “Enough with the excuses daddy, “You’re worse than Hillary.”

Random parents always ask, “Why is your son, so happy, “I say, Funnier dad, happier, baby.” You want to compare kid photos buzzkill boomer? My son has more muscle memory to flex from than a young Leo on the set of Growing Pains with Alan Thicke.”

Why do kids love back? Because you make them feel like the center of your universe, instead of the reverse. Kids love back because when you say I love you, it doesn’t sound manufactured hoarse, like you’re forcing the issue to avoid divorce.

A son’s love is a second chance at respectable redemption, because abstaining from bourbon at home does wonders for your complexion.



This is my younger brother getting defensive on the behalf our father because he’s the favorite despite making Hunter Biden come off as a serial slacker underachiever. Brother says, “Dad isn’t a narcissist.” I say, “You post driving selfies on Facebook. Your past the point of objective return bro.”

My 3rd kid is Chosen Curls Was Bound to Woo because chesty Italian MILFS hit on him constantly. One said, “When you get older, you’re going to have 3 girlfriends to juggle. I said, “If James Woods had this kid’s face, your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.”



This is my daughter playing marriage counselor again. “Pause Daddy, mama, got your point mid breath.”

Fact, kids don’t need to be dressed up in masks like Michael Jackson’s kids on holiday in Bahrain. Plus, we shouldn’t gut any more cities, and ruin more professional lives over stupid vaccine mandates over catching an itchy esophagus. COVID has 99 percent survival rate. So, stop treating COVID as if it’s death sentence like backend entry into the Dallas Buyer’s Club.

But masks are the new condoms, not. Only because I can’t cum in my wife wearing one either.

Anyone see the new Woody Allen doc on HBO, Crimes and Misdemeanors the Early Years? Woody actually kept naked pics of a 9-year-old Soon Yi in his top sock drawer. The only naked pic missing was Soon Yi crying on the cover of Time Life Magazine.

I’m so sick of seeing Cuomo’s ugly mug in the paper. He still looks like the Thing and Mama Fratelli from the Goonies had a baby. And Cuomo getting paid to write a book leadership is like Hitler getting paid to write a book on anger management or Woody Allen getting paid to write a book on hands off parenting or R Kelly getting paid to babysit the latest Kardashian out the womb.

The Italian Reptilian inside Cuomo, getting paid to write a book about leadership makes less sense than Kevin Durant getting picked to do a Ted Talk on how to block out the sound of cyberbullying.  

What does makes sense is making Carmelo Anthony the next spokesperson for Tampax Tampons already. Name another NBA player, responsible for stopping so much flowage.

Growing up, I wish LaVar Ball was my substitute coach dad because he wouldn’t have allowed my younger brother to lose his virginity before I did. LaVar Ball would’ve held house parties in my honor and only invite Stuck-Up Jenny from the block. 5 minutes in the party, LaVar Ball yells into Stuck Up Jenny’s ear, “The Yooho bottle doesn’t spin itself bitch.”

I stopped smoking weed because I felt like a moron answering my daughter’s question on it after I thought she was already asleep. Daughter asks, “Daddy, if God created the universe, then who created the universe?” I eventually come up with, “God went back in time, in a Time Machine made by Elon Musk. Daughter says, “That’s really convincing Daddy. Thanks for making me an atheist at 4.”

This is an impersonation of merger talk between Dr. Dre and Eminem. “Hey Slim Microsoft paid 3.6 billion for LinkedIn. Worrrrd, LinkedIn is lamer than ever yoh”

This is Russell Simmons denying rape allegations with Gayle King. “Read my lisp.” I didn’t rape any of those vengeful over the hill hos.”

This is Jeff Ross roasting Jay Z in the VIP room for Super Bowl Sunday. “Child Separation is overrated Jigga. Look how you turned out. Plus, if Coco never got separated from his family, he never would’ve become a mini–Los Lobos in the making.”

The Woman’s March on Washington was gross. All I saw was a whole lot of Rosie’s sporting a whole lot of chins. My mom asked if my daughter watched it. I said, “No mom, Matilda’s finally learning how to read. So, the last thing I need in my life is my daughter trying to make out one of those protest signs on TV and ask, “Daddy, what’ a pa, pa, Pussy Power? Is that a new show on Amazon Prime?”

At the grocery store, I comment to the lady behind me, “I wrote the book the Koshertarian Comedians. So, I can’t make it, but do you ever make shrimp wrapped in bacon? Or is your attitude, “I’ll dine at Morton’s for a post Burning Mask Party, maybe.” Italian NY mom laughs long time. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth



When Breathing Ends Talk

Do It All Dad, now 45 and still an unemployed stay at home comedian who just recorded his 45th comedy record to mark every year on this earth, for an eventual box set release on his 46th birthday on April 18th, Totality Of Me. Still Do It All Dad was getting perpetually downer weepy inside whenever his ebullient, radiantly fun, non-stop hilarious, rollicking son, Chosen Curls Was Bound To Woo, would ask him in another innocuous inquisitive, I wanna know manner, “How old are you moron?” Do It All Dad would constantly get snipply, prickly about it, and snap back with heart punctuated disgust for not being a highly employable, in demand comedian writer star yet and bluster out, “45 kiddo, stop reminding me already. At least Marvin Gaye implanted his fair share of sexual healing, by the time his cross dressing father shot him with at 45 with a Colt 45.”

Do It All Dad is in the process of posting comedy record 45, Reclusive Rocker Shreds on to his Do It All Dad Year Podcast, Dad friendly entertainment for you and me, while his son finishes watching The Last Jedi, where the reclusive Luke comes back to fight Darth Vader’s mope maligned millennial mouseketeer grandson by not fighting at all like a less fancy, flat footed Obi One. When the far from centered in real life, easily Trump triggered Mark Hamill espouses another deadweight conversationalist TomTom shit line to Kylo, “Strike me down in anger and I’ll always be with you. Just like your father.” In other words, there’s actually a huge upside in letting you kill me without having to break a sweat. Because A) You don’t have to humiliate me like an out of shape Tyson against Buster Douglass. Who couldn’t be bothered to find a Kettlebell to work on my core to escape an encroaching Sarlacc on Tatooine as a throwback return to some hardcore revisionist Jedi training of yesteryear. Plus B) By letting you strike me down Kylo Ren, I’ll always be lurking inside your good side conscious, when the opportunity comes to save Rey and make peace with killing off the coolest Dad imaginable. Who made the Kesel run faster than my space Kliff bars went through Yoda’s stench swampy colon on your loner Dagobah system that made Charles Bukowski come off as less cagy earthy for a a change. Also what kind of name is Kylo Ren exactly? Kylo Ren sounds like an edgeless jerkoff who rebrands himself as a Creative Technologist on LinkedIn. Who’s 2 galaxies removed from the Crimson Guard Twins in GI Joe who are trust fund terrorist babies cloaked in white priveledge. Who burn their modeling money from Ralph Lauren at the track and on extra gummy horses like AOC’s future failed run for Senate of New York after Schumer dies of soul disintegration ruin for paying off the Pope to give his blessing to Pooping Biden’s sham schlock presidency. Only for his fake news holiness to later downplay Biden’s pant soiling incident prior to meeting him by poo pooing on reporters at Brietbart who remarked about the Commander In Chief losing all control off his bowel moments knowing he was bound to drop a number 2 like a confetti mess storm down on Broadway, because he’s full of enough shit already. Later, his Holiness tweets, “Cut out the crap, President Biden didn’t poop his pants before meeting me. Doesn’t President Biden have enough face nappies to wipe up with at his disposal without having to make an elaborate pant change in the 1st place? Plus, good old Joe isn’t Catholic in name only. Modern day Catholics are cool with abortion, hell hole damned, open borders encouraged, roughhouse sex and demonizing ICE agents rounding up divine sparks of rapist light because Homeland Security is so weapons of mass destruction pass already, America.”

So after Luke’s weathered yet recharged soul becomes released by the lightsaber sword, disappears among the cosmos in a galaxy far, far away, Do It All Dad’s son Chosen Curls Was Bound To Woo says, “Daddy, I don’t want to die”, like a pubescent Steppenwolf whose been exposed to one too many Ingmar Bergman films already. Do It All Dad says, “Samuel, your nickname is Chosen Curls Was Bound to Woo, not Chosen Curls Was Bound To Fret and pull out his hair out from the bleak prospect of soul destroyer death for anyone responsible for hiring pool time entertainment at the Podesta’s house during upcoming donation season. Look kiddo, the best way to cope with the finality of death or a lifetime of suffering, regret or resentment stemming from alleged loving loyal ones in your life perpetually shitting on your dreams of attaining career fulfillment or financial gain from your imaginative produced artist works in this lifetime God forbid, is through feasting off laugh energy healing, which can help soothe over any fucked over feeling. Trust me, I know from personal experience. That’s why for my final 46th comedy record as a final killer addition to my comedy box set Totality of Me, we’re going to call it Do It All Dad Does Death, which gives me an excuse to bomb with fake news killer punchlines on occasion and cop-out over the mental exerted toil to get the record in fighting shape like Luke does against Kylo Ren. Who cares if any one of my breakup lines with life are laugh out loud funny or not, when breathing ends? Chosen Curls Was Bound To Woo laughs and says, ” When Breathing Ends, is funny daddy. More jokes for you, is more jokes for me to put on your comedy records. Do It All Dad laughs, beaming and says, “Never forget Samuel, a joke a day, keeps insanity at bay, chosen one. For example, calling Dr. Fauci America’s doctor is like calling America’s Front Line Doctor’s China’s team, Challah. Thank you very much.”

Michael Kornbluth

Fatal Misdirection

The new Alec Baldwin excuse for fatal misdirection.

“I’m an all over all the place Jew since I quit self-medicating by getting loaded.”

Couldn’t have happened to a nicer a guy, I heard. But Trump is Hitler 2.0. Relax Alec, sequels never live up to the original. Although Biden, AKA, Mr. Groper, demanding jab stabs among all federal workers, involving our military and all 1st responder emergency workers while exempting member of congress from taking it like horse face AOC, like anyone would knock up that blabber mouth twat on purpose, has managed to sexually assault the shit out of Lady Liberty with greater frothy ferocity than R. Kelly ever did to his leashed bitches under house arrest, in sweet home Chicago. Oh, yeah, Michelle Obama said, “It’s racist, if you flee from the south side of the Chicago. As if the south side of Chicago, the lead maker of bleeding controlling kits in the country, is only one Crepe Food Truck away from gentrification. Gentrification, you know liberal talk for less mouthy Cardi B’s, and more juice bars to load up on Vitamin D, since finding any access to hydroxychloroquine is harder than finding a film blogger on the Rotten Tomatoes who called the Irishman, “Underrated.”

The most feeble reply imaginable is if you ask somebody if they think Joe Biden actually won fair and square. Their upper lips furls into a frenzied despair, doing it’s best to keep the stream of ultra hesitant um’s from spilling out as their souls drops 5 stories closer to liar, liar, pants on fire hell. If Biden got more votes than even Obama Be Good, despite his campaign rallies being so tiny, they couldn’t even fill out the Little Mermaids’ miniscule clam shell bras. Then, Michelle Obama regretted pissing on the ceiling fan in the Lincoln Bedroom moments before Trump got inaugurated. Later, Trump takes a tour of the Lincoln Bedroom and get’s peed on for real this time and comments to Melania, “Is this what Michelle meant, when She-Hulk said, when they go low, we aim high?” Can I get a holla for some Challah? Joan lives. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Favoring Mars Attacks

Daughter get’s a tad freaked after watching Aliens blast congress to skulls and bones in the movie Mars Attacks. Later, I calm down my daughter and say, “Matilda, Sci-Fi means it takes place in the future. We can only be so lucky. I’d want Rand Paul to get out alive though. So he could conduct an experiment on Dr. Gnocchi, by forcing him to dress in a Fred Perry polo at gunpoint by an Alien Aids blaster to see if he’d morph into a Proud Boy and tell ANTIFA to go pound sand for once in his weasel laden, extremist wicked life.”

All of a sudden, Fuck Face Fauci morphs into a sexist pig after being forced to wear a Fred Perry Polo shirt at gunpoint by an Alien Aids blaster immune to Magic Johnson’s HIV inhibitor secret stash. Fuck Fauci tells AOC on CNN, “To get knocked up and shut the fuck up about being a non-essential Betty Draper cranked up on Joe Biden’s high grade Adderall already. That get’s Hunter in the zone whenever he does more blow painting, between snorting more lines of Ritalin at the local Chateau Marmont under new alias Brandon Lee Biden, since he got kicked out for baking crack cocaine in their bungalows, getting tweaked on more crank, only hearing last call from the bathroom stall. Can I get a holla, for some high octane blasting , Challah? Tim Burton lives. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

All-Star Stuff 

Wife says,”Samuel loves Space Jam 2 because it’s a father son story. I say, “Unless Lebron’s son triggers his dad by killing off Michael Jordan’s legacy from becoming the 7 ringed man, I’m not interested. Lebron’s son says, “My name is Bronny Bronny from Bel Air. Your zoom call with your 6 trophies in the background killed off my father’s surging sense of self-esteem during the fall of 2021. Prepare to die of an aired-out heart in 15 years after I became the 7 ringed man. It’s gotta to be the bat shoes made in Wuhan, Wuhan.” Wu Tang lives, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth