Jay Z and My Wife Ruining Everything

INT. KIDS BEDROOM
Wife reveals our new smart bulb lamp.
Me
Alexa turn me on with Bordello Red.
Wife
You ruin everything.
Me
Now we can turn our bedroom into the red light district in Amsterdam to spice things up.

Yesterday my wife says, you can’t disparage stay at home moms.
I say. But I’m not married to your mother.
She was a hairdresser for a day before becoming an insufferable, stay at home blob.
Who makes potato dumplings for Church, whoopty doo.

Blog Title Ideas for a post about stay at home moms being sacred cows.
Stay At Home Dad vs. Homemaker Cow Moms
Comedians Live To Take Down Scared Cows
Milking Sacred Cows For Funny To Feed My Family
INT. STOP AND SHOP
Baby boy points at an onion and says eye.
Me
We must shoot our father and son cooking show pilot today Chef Samuels.
Who else is saying I got something in my eye ? Except Hillary’s Campaign Advisers on election night.

I love Journey but listening to Steve Perry’s new album on Spotify this morning made me feel like a gimpy, eunuch sentimentalist from Game of Thrones, minus the ability to get over my age of innocence already.

Expected Holiday Confrontation
I say to my dad. Funnier dad, happier baby. He says, not funny. I say my childhood photos were nothing to laugh about. Apparently, my smile had no muscle memory whatsoever.

Today is the 30th Anniversary of World Aids Day. In related news, it also marks my 30th anniversary of being sacred to death of bare backing with strangers since I sprouted pubes under my Fruit of the Looms.

Blog title idea for what my blog’s about for Hollywood.
What’s My Blog About Rapewood?
Resist This
Upstaging Your Wife Is Good
My Kids Loving Me the Most
Kids Need Dad Around More
Dads Are Stronger Cheerleaders

INT. STOP AND SHOP
I kill for 3 minutes straight with my baby boy with me.
Customer
Are you a Comedian?
Me
You think I’m grabbing gold like this out of thin air?
You think I’m a medium for dead dad comedians like George Carlin?

Customer 1 laughs long time. Got an impromptu round of applause from the cashier, customer 1 and 2 which was a 1st.

My 4 year old son taking no shit from big sis.
Dada, I’ll show my picture to Matilda. It will make her so jealous.
Big Sis says meh. I can do better. Son barks back. Do it then. I’m still waiting. I could’ve drawn a cheetah surfing with Bob Marley and the Wailers on top of a great white already.

Kayne West addressing Jay Z in a response rap.

I don’t worship fake idols like your boy Obama.
He nuke gifted the 1 sponsor of terror like a modern day Osama.
I don’t worship fake idols like your boy Obama.
He let ISIS slaughter Christians and disgraced his mama.
Trump pardoned Alice Johnson after Kim’s plea. I’m free from your label now, you Suge Knight wannabe.
Trump pledges to turn around our inner cities.
You peddle more trash about being 2nd best to Biggie.
You’re with fake news fro Kaepernick, I’m with Jim Brown. 1 ruined the NFL, the other reforms gang banger browns.
Give it up Jay. Your time has passed.
The world no longer cares about your New Jack Hustler past.
Give it up Jigga, your time has passed.
History will remember you as the rapper who campaigned for Hillary’s satanic past.
You salute to black power on SNL.
Yet give no money to crack babies you pushed into premature hell.

Seinfeld Segway Lightner
Sending myself emails gives me a buzzy sense of self-importance.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

LaVar Ball as My Sub Dad Growing Up

I’d have more brothers to play with over my GI-Joe Figures way past puberty. It was a road block to my emotional development.
He’d hold spin the bottle house parties in my honor.
But only invite stuck up Jenny down the block.
2 minutes in, he barks. The Yahoo bottle doesn’t spin itself bitch.
I’d be more inclined to my buy my dad a Bentley with unbridled enthusiasm. Instead, of the gift giving possessing a cold, transactionary, I owe you for college and for paying Pre-K way.
I’d prank call Cuba Gooding. And challenge Cuba and Laurence Fishburne to games of 2 on 2 for 64’s of Old E. Just to watch my Dad LaVar Ball pour the 64’s on Fishburne and call him a low IQ baller.
He’d make sure I lost my virginity before my younger brother did. So I wouldn’t feel like a big brother bust like Eddie Curry or Greg Oden. With an even shittier, less reliable hook shot.
My highlight varsity year would be more than scoring a whopping 12 points against an all Japanese team in suburban NY. The players ran away from me like movie extras in a Godzilla film.
My dad still wouldn’t be sporting the same pair of ashy sweats from 88.
Totally ruining his 1st type Skype call with his grandchildren in retirement splendor from Scottsdale, Arizona.
My father’s favorite nickname for me wouldn’t be a Waste of Height but instead be Manifest Baller Destiny.
We mirror our dad’s behavior. So I wouldn’t have taken up smoking cigarettes at the time or only get off the couch to tear down my John Stark’ poster after he failed to elevate the Knick’s past Houston.
He’d send me to Big Man Camp to build up my toughness. Instead of to a Jewish sleep away camp where I was the 2nd worst athlete after the Shiek’s son from Great Neck, Long Island.
My 1st concert would be Public Enemy with Anthrax, for the Bring the Noise, bring the funk tour. And I wouldn’t have to feel so self-conscious Jewish in the presence of skinheads and one percenters in attendance.
He’d offer Rihanna future sneaker profit participation points for popping my cherry. So I’d pick and pop from way downtown with bigger baller authority.
I’d still get busted for stealing Hockey Cards at Child World in attempt to snag an Eric Lindros rookie card.
By,

Michael Kornbluth

Deviant Dad Diss Retaliation At Mama

Deviant Dad Diss Retaliation At Mama: No reply to the pic of your 2 grandchildren in a F-16 on Yom Kippur. Michael Savage is correct. Hate is in the air. When you can’t even forget Trump for a sec and showcase some patriotic love to spare.

Deviant Dad Diss Retaliation At Mama: No reply to the pic of your 2 grandchildren in a F-16 on Yom Kippur. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not starved for your condescending attention but my children don’t any better yet.

Deviant Dad Diss Retaliation At Mama: No reply to the pic of your 2 grandchildren in a F-16 on Yom Kippur. Still fuming over the fact, I implied you were a low energy Jeb Bush compared to Sly Stallone still doing action films into his early 70’s?

Deviant Dad Diss Retaliation At Mama: No reply to the pic of your 2 grandchildren in a F-16 on Yom Kippur. Is this a revenge diss for me ignoring your text announcing your arrival in December to take the kids to see the Nutcracker over Fiddler in the Roof?

Deviant Dad Diss Retaliation At Mama: No reply to the pic of your 2 grandchildren in a F-16 on Yom Kippur. Just when I thought you could’ve have sunk lower than suggesting I dump baby Samuel off at daycare to become a garbage man for a living.
Deviant Dad Diss Retaliation at Mama: No reply to the pic of your 2 grandchildren in a F-16 on Yom Kippur. Because you hate being known as an ordinary brained, lesser Jamie Dimon for thinking you’re more enlightened than Trump in the 1st place.

Deviant Dad Diss Retaliation at Mama: No reply to the pic of your 2 grandchildren in a F-16 on Yom Kippur. Because you’re the class act who booked the next flight to Kentucky after your sister tried to off herself, not.
Deviant Dad Diss Retaliation at Mama: No reply to the pic of your 2 grandchildren in a F-16 on Yom Kippur. No wonder your anti-Trump moving spiel bombed in Israel. Explaining why you never uttered a peep about your trip there with dad.

The End
By,
Michael Kornbluth