Sharp Shooters Shine

Cannabis shop worker says, “Nice Knicks shirt.” I say, “You live in Massachusetts, don’t act like you give a shit anymore either. Plus, I don’t watch basketball anymore because I’m not a CCP siding, sell out motherfucker. Free Hong Kong, but don’t tweet it. Or else a ball gag made in China will be issued in your honor. Fuck your gratitude. The NBA blows since it became a safe space for Lebron James ego. And fuck kids in Steph Curry Jersey’s that never high stepped over shit in San Francisco. How do these kids identify with Steph Curry? Unless their mom won Miss Washington Heights. Who’s hot enough to charge the price of Hamilton tickets for some high-end chlamydia. I miss the days of JR Rider getting high before suiting for a Minnesota Timberwolves game. When I used to drink forties of Old English, which members of Generation X like to call Snoop’s ho sprayer of choice. And if Obama is such a baller. Then, why did he ride the bench at an all-Asian private school in Hawaii? I miss the days of JR Smith to. He was beautiful to watch before Rihanna sucked him dry during the 1st round against the Celtics. And this is an impression of the PR Manager for the Cavs after banning JR Smith from doing locker room interviews on his hoverboard. “JR is high enough already.” Still, the King of the Persecution Complex, doesn’t win that ring without him. Private Catholic Highschool ballers, represent, Kyrie Irving included. Sharp Shooters Shine, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Punchlines Pimping

I don’t like Snoop Dog claiming he culturally appropriated Ric Flair, so freely, during his 30 for 30, titled, “You’re A Boy and I’m Not.” Iceberg Slim was Pimp Of The Year for 6 years in a row at least and we got Ric Flair, 16-time World Champion. Don’t get your pigments twisted Dog. If you want to beat the man, don’t get bent over by Suge Knight in the can. No offense Snoop, but you don’t hear Ric Flair yelling, “Dog Fighting, woooh! That’s a MAGA country thing. Don’t be culturally appropriating our shit.” Punchlines Pimping, Challah. Thank you very much.

Predator In A Dress Loophole

What could you say in the media’s defense for trying to outlaw self-defense while pushing to make Kyle Rittenhouse their foamed over sacrificial lamb in the process?

Let mob rule. But if Kyle Rittenhouse was Elliot Page, formerly known as Juno, the media would lionize this Eagle Scout, Sharp Shooter, as America’s Toxic Tomboy Avenger. Who’s the only one allowed to shoot ANTIFA’s diplomatic immunity up their ass by claiming they were begging for it and kept coming back for more.

The Toxic Tomboy Avenger could get away with jamming a plunger up the Black Panther’s ass for shits and giggles if she he wanted to. The following the day the NY Times prints thèse headlines: Plunging Is The New Gerbiling.” “Give Forced Sodomy A Chance.” “Shitting Out Homophobia One Plunger At A Time.” “Flabbergasted Or Bug In Your Ass Free?”

Black Panther eventually acts in self-defense and swats the plunger up Toxic Tomboy’s Avenger’s ass before choking his attacker out with Diane Keaton’s tie from Annie Hall. Black Panter turns Kyle Rittenhouse white after the gay mafia bought off jury declares him guilty of premediated murder and aggressively active assault on an androgynous actor’s anus hole, formerly known as Juno in Dave Chappelle’s wildest pot powered dream.

The End



Michael Kornbluth

Ballsy Better Hits

Bourdain and Joan Rivers walk into Heaven. Bourdain says, “How about a titty blast Joan?” Joan says, “I thought you’d never ask. Shit God, can you zap Bourdain’s foreskin off in a flash.”

Fuck Michael Jordan for calling Pippen selfish for daring to postpone knee surgery during the Last Dance. I’d make every day standing down day to, if I was being paid less than BJ Armstrong’s nanny.

If a boy is born 100 percent gay, does he suck down booby milk regardless, because he doesn’t know what his preferred oral fixation is yet?

Explaining Internet porn to my kids eventually. It wasn’t enough for Louie, it’s our last safety rail left. It’s what daddy does to squeeze in some me time alright.  

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre 3 kids. It was the best of times whenever the condom broke from overexertion, as I yelled, “Woo, sex is fun again.”

I’m sacred of getting a vasectomy because I don’t want my ball sack to feel like Edward Scissor’s Hands face.

What Gen X parents understand. Snoop’s Dog’s wine tastes like mouthwash used in porn hood hell.



My son finds the Kama Sutra book in my office. And my son says, “My penis popped out opening it.” Daughter starts singing, “Irresponsible Daddy.” I say, “Matilda, ignore this book because it’s a recipe for Aids.” Daughters says, What’s Aid’s Daddy? I say, “A reason to become a Lesbian. You can take a licking and keep on ticking.”

Daughter gets the book Rebel Girls from Grandma for Hanukkah. Grandma asks, “Do you know who Hillary is?” Daughter says, ” 2-time loser alcoholic, Russian dossier financier, best-selling voodoo doll in Hatti year after year?”

My son is the best slacker alert of all time. Son asks, “Daddy, did you go on the Peloton today? I said, “I got COVID, and food poisoning form the Halal Guys. Son says, “Enough with the excuses daddy, “You’re worse than Hillary.”

Random parents always ask, “Why is your son, so happy, “I say, Funnier dad, happier, baby.” You want to compare kid photos buzzkill boomer? My son has more muscle memory to flex from than a young Leo on the set of Growing Pains with Alan Thicke.”

Why do kids love back? Because you make them feel like the center of your universe, instead of the reverse. Kids love back because when you say I love you, it doesn’t sound manufactured hoarse, like you’re forcing the issue to avoid divorce.

A son’s love is a second chance at respectable redemption, because abstaining from bourbon at home does wonders for your complexion.



This is my younger brother getting defensive on the behalf our father because he’s the favorite despite making Hunter Biden come off as a serial slacker underachiever. Brother says, “Dad isn’t a narcissist.” I say, “You post driving selfies on Facebook. Your past the point of objective return bro.”

My 3rd kid is Chosen Curls Was Bound to Woo because chesty Italian MILFS hit on him constantly. One said, “When you get older, you’re going to have 3 girlfriends to juggle. I said, “If James Woods had this kid’s face, your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.”



This is my daughter playing marriage counselor again. “Pause Daddy, mama, got your point mid breath.”



Fact, kids don’t need to be dressed up in masks like Michael Jackson’s kids on holiday in Bahrain. Plus, we shouldn’t gut any more cities, and ruin more professional lives over stupid vaccine mandates over catching an itchy esophagus. COVID has 99 percent survival rate. So, stop treating COVID as if it’s death sentence like backend entry into the Dallas Buyer’s Club.

But masks are the new condoms, not. Only because I can’t cum in my wife wearing one either.

Anyone see the new Woody Allen doc on HBO, Crimes and Misdemeanors the Early Years? Woody actually kept naked pics of a 9-year-old Soon Yi in his top sock drawer. The only naked pic missing was Soon Yi crying on the cover of Time Life Magazine.

I’m so sick of seeing Cuomo’s ugly mug in the paper. He still looks like the Thing and Mama Fratelli from the Goonies had a baby. And Cuomo getting paid to write a book leadership is like Hitler getting paid to write a book on anger management or Woody Allen getting paid to write a book on hands off parenting or R Kelly getting paid to babysit the latest Kardashian out the womb.

The Italian Reptilian inside Cuomo, getting paid to write a book about leadership makes less sense than Kevin Durant getting picked to do a Ted Talk on how to block out the sound of cyberbullying.  

What does makes sense is making Carmelo Anthony the next spokesperson for Tampax Tampons already. Name another NBA player, responsible for stopping so much flowage.

Growing up, I wish LaVar Ball was my substitute coach dad because he wouldn’t have allowed my younger brother to lose his virginity before I did. LaVar Ball would’ve held house parties in my honor and only invite Stuck-Up Jenny from the block. 5 minutes in the party, LaVar Ball yells into Stuck Up Jenny’s ear, “The Yooho bottle doesn’t spin itself bitch.”

I stopped smoking weed because I felt like a moron answering my daughter’s question on it after I thought she was already asleep. Daughter asks, “Daddy, if God created the universe, then who created the universe?” I eventually come up with, “God went back in time, in a Time Machine made by Elon Musk. Daughter says, “That’s really convincing Daddy. Thanks for making me an atheist at 4.”

This is an impersonation of merger talk between Dr. Dre and Eminem. “Hey Slim Microsoft paid 3.6 billion for LinkedIn. Worrrrd, LinkedIn is lamer than ever yoh”

This is Russell Simmons denying rape allegations with Gayle King. “Read my lisp.” I didn’t rape any of those vengeful over the hill hos.”

This is Jeff Ross roasting Jay Z in the VIP room for Super Bowl Sunday. “Child Separation is overrated Jigga. Look how you turned out. Plus, if Coco never got separated from his family, he never would’ve become a mini–Los Lobos in the making.”

The Woman’s March on Washington was gross. All I saw was a whole lot of Rosie’s sporting a whole lot of chins. My mom asked if my daughter watched it. I said, “No mom, Matilda’s finally learning how to read. So, the last thing I need in my life is my daughter trying to make out one of those protest signs on TV and ask, “Daddy, what’ a pa, pa, Pussy Power? Is that a new show on Amazon Prime?”

At the grocery store, I comment to the lady behind me, “I wrote the book the Koshertarian Comedians. So, I can’t make it, but do you ever make shrimp wrapped in bacon? Or is your attitude, “I’ll dine at Morton’s for a post Burning Mask Party, maybe.” Italian NY mom laughs long time. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth







Michael Kornbluth







Bad Boy Soy Boy Strikes Back

                                         

Once upon a time there was a biracial Korean, Jewish kid from the Riverdale section of the Bronx, Steven Park, otherwise known as Bad Boy Soy Boy, since he unleashed his Nunchucks of fury at a block party on a bunch of shit talking, instigating, black gangbangers, who wore the same wife beater, corn rows and cut off jean shorts, looking like they were dressing up for Coolio Appreciation Day. Who never dared to call Bad Boy Soy Boy, a COIVD chink in his midst ever again, as he cracked one corn row braided skull in 2 after another, without breaking a sweat in a NY Minute. Son of Sam in the seventies was scary no doubt, but the surge in hate crimes against Jews and Asians in the boogie down Bronx, Jersey City and throughout the Island of Manhattan were at an all-time high with no relief or added protection in sight.

Cops today, were younger, softer, and far less hardcore than their 9/11 predecessors. Nobody in the force today possessed the balls to make money on the side through good old-fashioned extortion like 99 percent of the force in the movie Serpico. Bail was banned in NY, garbage filled the streets, rats grew the size of Lena Dunham during Restaurant Week after challenging Leslie Jones to a Junior’s Cheesecake off. But even these woke large and in charge funny woman, couldn’t believe what a scary shithole their cherished concrete jungle of yesterday had become in 4 years flat.

Crazy talk slogans punctured the air such as, “Ban ICE”, because homeland security was so weapons of mass destruction years. It’s no excuse to mug Chinese grandma in Chinatown, yet the Wuhan made virus, made New Yorkers at large crazier than ever, placing misplaced faith in a news media hellbent on feeding more unregulated hate and fear into the nation about black men in America being America’s most hunted, despite not one enlightened BLM member encouraging their fellow brothers to just stop resisting arrest or the temptation to run out on a 2000-dollar dinner check in South Beach for Spring Break, God forbid.

Every day, Bad Boy Soy Boy worked at his parent’s deli in the South Bronx, despite living in the leafier, more snuggle soft confines, of Riverdale in the Bronx, where abandoned, torched, burnt down buildings to salvage a semblance of ROI from the insurance company were less common than a B plus Korean student at Bronx Science.

Bad Boy Soy Boy had to bite his lip at the deli every time some brother would come in there talking endless shit, yelling, “COVID Chink, this, COVID Chink that,”, despite him being fucking half Korean and half Jewish. It didn’t make a difference because cum bucket dumpsters such as Cardi B today were deemed heady, culture enriching, poets from the street, whose gaping, sloppy 3rds snatch couldn’t be beat, allegedly. Jim Rome lives, holla, thank you very much.

But one day Bad Boy Soy Boy decided enough was enough, so he opened a medicinal speakeasy weed milk bar in Bergen, New Jersey as a front to offer Nunchuck self-defense classes for Asian Americans based in any of the 5 boroughs willing to make the schlep to fight for their life to live out the protracted, rapidly fading American dream with a semblance of peace of mind as they raged, raged against the dying of the light. Dylan Thomas lives, holla, thank very much.

Now, Bad Boy Soy Boy’s Self-Defense Nunchucks Of Fury class, became the number one tourist destination in Bergen history, not that there was much stiff competition in this department. But Bad Boy Soy Boy had a college roommate from UPENN who he’d talk to on the phone every day who worked as a rock star chef for a Korean food truck in old city in Philly, known for their Korean eggroll cheesesteak hot pocket breakfast treats. Who now had to invest in a bullet proof vest covered food truck in Old City, which was once the only really safe area in Philly outside of Center City on Chestnut street. But safe spaces for Asian Americans were now deader than Jeremey Lin’s chances of gracing the cover of Sports Illustrated 7 times in a row again, especially since JR Smith bitched to Knicks management about the golden child Harvard grad who plopped in their lap out of the freaking blue, because he was hogging the Garden spotlight and bike lane all for himself.

Asian Americans including Koreans, Japanese, Chinese, who never bothered to study martial arts, thinking, it wasn’t necessary to learn from 1994 to 2020, were flocking to Bad Boy Soy Boy’s Self-Defense Nunchucks Of Fury class. Bad Boy Soy Boy’s grandfather, Michael Kornbluth was a Holocaust survivor because when all the brown shirt ANTIFA members of their day banned guns, he used his own Nunchucks of fury gifted to him from his Korean father-in-law, and cracked NAZI skulls hyped on crystal meth all his way to freedom from Nazi persecution. Who pawned enough Nazi gold teeth from the skulls he cracked in 2 with his Nunchucks of fury to buy a boat pass to NY, establish a family of his own with his reflexology wife therapist and become a proud 1st generation deli owner, getting Jewish New Yorkers hooked on Kimchi for more reasonable outs from ever having to slip their wife some tongue again.

Both young and old Asian Americans no longer had to live in helpless, paralyzed fear, all thanks to Bad Boy Soy Boy teaching them the infinite beat down possibilities unleashed from the almighty Nunchuck strikes of fury, to ensure they were never fucked with again in the name of the COVID Chink virus or not. Because Bad Boy Soy Boy was on a mission from God to prove Bruce Lee’s weapon of choice, ain’t nothing to fuck with.

Michael Kornbluth

High Schooler Hoody Problems

“Hear my bus coming Daddy”, says Art Show USA. Do It All Dad says, “Pretty soon, Art Show USA is going to buy this town, and put it all in his shoes, that’s what he’s going to do.” Art Show USA says, “I know the town of Croton Falls is small Daddy but don’t be ridiculous. Plus, I’m going to build my own house in the woods next to another house I build for you one day, so we can be neighbors. Plus, if I put the whole town of Croton Falls in my shoe, everyone will bother me in the woods to pick up their mail since I’ve absorbed the post office in my shoe, which defeats the purpose of me living in the woods in the 1st place Daddy. Got to go now or I’ll miss the bus. Love you daddy but only if you keep on rocking the high schooler hoodie loo or I’ll stab with our sharpest knife for real. Art Show USA whizzes across the street to catch his bus in time in one spark smooth motion, which his fills his Do It All Dad’s heart with tremendous nachas, which means vicarious joy derived from your kid in Yiddish, especially when your 7-year-old son otherwise known as Number One Capricorn, born on New Year’s Day, becomes more grownz up every day, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do It All Dad though was having reservations about rocking the high schooler hoodie look anymore, which he should’ve retired in his thirties at least, when he used to be a semi-sporadic performing open miker at the New York Comedy Club in Manhattan, if he could rally enough friends in attendance again. Now, Do It All Dad was questioning the extent of his maturity, knowing he’d never outgrew his truly tasteless jokes phase, still puffed the green out of a one hitter at 44 in a hoody like Sarah Silverman minus the career. Now, Do It All Dad still got asked for ID at Target with his 3 kids, whenever he couldn’t resist snagging another 6 pack of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale for only $9.99, knowing it’s the pale ale that never get’s stale. Still, it was impossible for Do It All Dad to stare at his sudden grey specked beard in the mirror at 44 while still not showing any touches of grey on his chosen curls on top and think, “You look better than John Oliver these days but that isn’t saying much. Can’t wait to see his new segment on the Biden inauguration called, The Day Democracy Died. I wonder if bean breath tonight possesses the balls to make a joke about a 3rd political party called, The Burning Mask Party. Now, I have to worry about a podcast hosting opportunity slipping away, because I made a joke over our 2nd call about a donkey shaped pinata with Governor Cuomo’s ugly mug on it, except instead of candy spilling out when it breaks, piles of pink masks come out instead, that say, “Cuomo Blows”, which got a big, cathartic laugh out of my future potential benefactor at the time. I’m so tired of acting like some gun shy stiff, out of fear of never getting a job in a post woke corporate America again or snagging a comedy manager ever, because I dared to make fun of Obama for gifting Iran 150 billion for overseas manufacturing jobs for Build A Bear, to make their economy less reliant on the sale of hair removal products for the Kardashians. At the same time, why do I have to be dressed up in a Brooks Brother button down in jeans to feel more dressed to impress the Internet one love entertainment gatekeepers on my Do It All Dad Podcast, which is only audio anyway? I think my son Art Show likes to see me rock the high schooler hoodie look because it helps ensure I stay young at heart and don’t lose heart to, when I can’t even get the Jewish Book Council to review my book, The Great American Jew Novel after sharing stellar previous reviews, because I’m not an atheist has been like David Cross who hasn’t made a good W joke in 15 years or even an edge insult about Laura Bush for that matter, who just wrote a book which criticizes The Wicked Witch Of Chatham, NY in Northern Westchester County. At least Hillary had the balls to get rich or die trying bitch. Deep down, I think my son Art Show wants me to sport the high school hoodie look more than ever, to ensure I keep on rocking in our big tech ruining world, as a symbol of non-conformist resistance, knowing my comedy career can still take flight, if I never lose touch with what make me feel most kick ass and in control alive, which is getting laughs longtime all the time, with big deal talking, NY made, ball busting flourish, all the way.” Son, Art Show USA enters the the bathroom and notices his Do It All Dad, lost in thought, grazing the specs of grey on his beard with the tips of his fingers and says, “Don’t even think of shaving the beard Daddy. You look weird without one, like when you shaved it to dress up like Stan Smith from American Dad. Remember, dressing up our family like the Cleveland Show family one was no longer an option because Megyn Kelly already stole our thunder. Plus, Cleveland holding up the sign, “Build The Pool Fence”, for Mimi and Papa to see on Facebook in Arizona, would’ve lost his impactful oomph to. Also Daddy, I like you with the beard, because without it, you’ll look like a Pre-K schooler hoody. So, you won’t be able to boast on stage about the Jews being chosen by God to perfect the human race through your gorgeous sons, who stem from your Do It All Dad Year tree trunk.” Do It All Dad hugs his son, Art Show USA and says, “The beard stays kiddo. It’s just that the high schooler hoodie look rubs me the wrong way sometimes, because it reminds me too much of Sarah Silverman, which annoys me since she came out to Twitter as a social justice warrior, to detract from her once mouthwatering tits, sagging popularity.”

The End

Michael Kornbluth