Killer Set for 3-3-23:
Love Jaw Lament, Funny Jew Bone Forever, Prince Of Promiscuity, War Drums Inside, Blackmail Pics Unnerving, Woody Killers.
Tag: history
Mitzvah Moves
It’s your fault if you don’t make Hanukkah more festive than Christmas. I get it. Most likely Jesus himself who celebrated Hanukkah with his apostles, even invented Christmas to make the holiday season feel more festive. When the strongest drink offered was Manischewitz before eggnog was invented. Spinning Beastie Boys records while blaring Intergalactic planetary to honor the Aliens in helping his fellow Hebrews build the Great Pyramids wasn’t a thing yet. Can’t all the Jews, Muslims and Christians unite on the 1st night of Hanukkah on the premise behind Home Depot never being erected in the Israelites’ honor? Growing up, I’d push my dad to honor my mom’s Christian side after she converted. I say, “Dad, mom dumped Jesus to marry into your putzy DNA. The least you can do is let mom throw up a tree. Dad says, “The only time a Jew from the Bronx would get a Christmas Tree is if he planned to convert it into a tricked-out Treehouse and flip it for a profit.”
Finally, one year, my year my dad budges and allows my mom this pathetic, sorry excuse for a bonsai tree relegated to the side patio covered in cobwebs that got less touches than a St. James Bible at a bath house colony in Pronvincetown. But seriously, can’t you see Jesus recognizing the festive limitations of Hannukah after receiving one carved dreidel too many? Jesus says, “Thanks for the Dreidel, Judas. I’m glad that my carpentry session on dreidel building 101 at The 92 Street Y paid off so handsomely. But why don’t we make Channukah a more drawn-out celebration that’s ten times festive by celebrating my birthday for the entire month of December after Hannukah.”
Matthew says, “Yeah, but Jesus wouldn’t Hannukah then be considered a forgettable warm up act, that gives you blue balls just thinking about it. You were born by immaculate conception, right? Yet by the time your 4 brothers James, Joseph, Judas, and Simon were born, the magic was gone baby gone.”
Jesus replies, “Yeah, but I had a vision in the desert last night about a future comedian named Billy Crystal bemoaning in his autobiography, Baby Boomer Arrogance Never Dies, about how Jews bend over backwards to adopt Christmas traditions, so they don’t feel so old world clingy Jewy. Nobody cares anymore about the rocking band of Maccabees reclaiming the Great Temple of Solomon because they’re not the polytheistic whores like the rest. Taylor Swift is the number recording artists in the future, and she grew up on a Christmas Tree farm for Christ’s sake.” Hillary Hammer Time Cankles strikes again, Challah. Thank you very much.
Matthew asks, “What’s a Christmas Tree Jesus? “Jesus says, “A camouflaged cross, but it’s going to be tricked out in lights that run on electricity, which will outshine any burn a mile of minute candles on a Menorah. Any Jewish record executive would jam a pinecone up their ass if they promised Taylor Swift more inclusiveness gayness spirit to be produced on her next Christmas album.
Now, I used to get very tense about the mention of Jesus, but not anymore, since my invention of a new tradition, Jesus Fridays, which allows me to break my Koshertarian diet of the past 2 years and counting. Understand, I’ve been following the Koshertarian Diet for 2 years now. Finally, I’ve allowed myself the inclusion of shellfish for a special occasion because who cares about eating soulless shellfish? Plus, Jesus, the original super Jew rocked the Pescatarian diet. So, if it’s good enough for Jesus, then it’s good enough for me. I also like the idea of acting less like an all-knowing exalted prick. And celebrating Jesus Fridays inspires me to connect with my fellow Gentile like a retired fireman who runs the best deli in Westchester in North White Plains. Outside my new office, after just resurrecting my IT Headhunter Writer career. Where I’m getting paid to creatively sell job opportunities for Software Engineers, digital designers, and Information Technology workers in general, whose job prospects have more legs than Lieutenant Dan. I like Jesus Fridays because it divorces me from perpetuating any messianic complex of my own, which screams, the original version of the Bible is better than second part that I’ve barely dabbled in for the most part. And I’m tired of being that old timer Gen X guy that just bemoans new age Simpsons episodes as woke filler compared to season 1 through 7 without even dabbling in the newer versions to make any ultra judgy informed decisions of my own. Like when I saw Juno, ages ago and got angry about how everyone was hailing the hardcore hilarity of it, when I saw Juno as nothing more than a poor girls’ Jeanne Garafalo. I wrote a blog about the movie being overhyped, yet I told myself afterwards, don’t be a critic, hack breath like the rest. It’s way better to originate, then merely pontificate. So, I wrote mini porn parody that I turned into my 1st screenplay, Juno Does Williamsburg, later named Brooklyn Blogger. Edgeless titles suck pinecone dick, Challah. Thank you very much.
At the same time, I’ve worn Jewish pride on my sleave for the past 5 years and change as host of the Do It All Dad Year Podcast, responsible for banging out comedy records such as Big Mouth Moses, Koshertarian Offensive, and the Pig-Headed Jew, Challah. Thank you very much. I’ve also written and published The Great American Jew Novel, which Diane Sullivan from the Midwest Book Review described as a “Hilarious exploration of New York Comedy and Culture.” Which proves that my material wasn’t too overtly Jewy pushy annoying for the Heartland’s tastes. And for the past 2 months, I’ve renamed my Do It All Dad Year Podcast, the Shabat Shalom Ramble, in honor of my dad accusing me of never being on point, despite him proclaiming 5 years ago before I launched my podcast, how nobody cares about my political opinions anyway, 45 thousand page views on my Do It All Dad Year blog later.
Well, I haven’t read the news since Dominion Machines won. And I don’t see Kari Lake recruiting Linda Hamilton as her VP to take down the new Sky Net For good. Plus, how much more can we stomach talk of Alex Jones being bad Santa versus John Fetterman being a burnt out offering of the Democratic party who looks like the Good Will Grinch who showers in Bong Water. So, more than ever 3 million Jews in the US, according to Alexa, which is most likely an inflated claim, like Antifa still being nothing more than an idea in Patton Oswalt graphic novels, about a gang of wannabe Punisher vigilantes, in hoodies, could use some miraculous ways to modernize Hannukah and make it more festive than Christmas than Google ever would. Because I want other Jewish American Dads to derive extended Nachas from pronounced Jewish pride from their offspring when they proclaim to Daddy how they get butterflies in their stomach every day before each night of Hanukah begins, which was the opposite of my experience growing up. Getting a Pinball Machine one tear one year for Hannukah was unbelievable, despite being woken up every night prior to Hannukah because dad couldn’t resist the urge to play with it himself and break it in personally. Which made my younger brother and I believe that Aliens from Space Invaders were raining Gama Rays on top of our house eight nights prior to Hannukah because my dad was making his best Hannukah gift all about his own self-enrichment over ours. Still, my dad was raised an only child, so you can’t blame him for occupying his inner loneliness in his forties the week before Hanukah, because playing Dreidel by himself, gets played out faster than trying jerk off with your left in honor of shortest-lived New Year’s resolution yet. Which only leads to more played out blue ball’s devastation. So, here’s 8 ways to start making Hannukah more festive than Christmas. There are 14 million Jews worldwide. So, if this post goes viral, my Hannukah wish of 8 million butterflies can come true. And you can’t knock the miracle of mitzvah moves, Challah. Thank you very much.
- Understand, I haven’t collected paychecks in 8 whole years till this past December after resuming my IT Headhunter Career, where I can drop lines like, “Michael Kornbluth here, Recruiting Manager for Digital Unicorns USA. With a last name like Kornbluth, I specialize in mind control, in Kayne’s mind. So, when my wife tells me, “Don’t get carried away with getting the kids gifts this year for Hannukah.” I fire back with, “New tradition kids, when you get 3 Big Kahuna gifts on the 1st night of Hannukah. You each declare loud and proud, “Hannukah Hatrick, Challah” I add, “So, in this instance, go woke yourself babe, Gentile Grinch.” Challah. Thank you very much.
- 2nd way to make Hanukkah more festive is to start the tradition of Hannukah Halloween. And force your son to dress up like Van Halen with a pack of candy cigarettes in hand. Who cares if your mini air guitar appendage looks like an overdose at the limelight waiting to happen. Party Monster spirits live, Challah. Thank you very much.
- 3rd way to make Channukah more festive is to play Dreidel for Bitcoin versus more fake news Gelt. But explain the rules in humorous ways. For example, when the dreidel lands on Hey, you sing, “Hey, hey Paula, I want to marry you. Now give me half and full custody of the kids. I don’t want you coughing your natural immunity all our kids anymore, you anti-vaxer piece of shit.” Challah, thank you very much. Shin, means put it in, think Cardi B on a slow Tuesday. Nun, means nothing, goonish. Remember our routine at the Deli Matilda, when you could only put 2 words together? What did Tyson Chandler give the Knicks Daddy? And you’d say,” Bookpus, Boopku. And Gimmel means, give me everything because we control all the blockchain technology, Federal Reserve and all the banks in the North Pole too. Son says, “Samuel, don’t even think of stealing my bitcoin, or I’ll sell your pure blood on the Dark Web along with your vintage Cobra Commander with the blue mask and eyes holes in it that looks like Gung Ho’s bottom bitch in Robot Chicken remake of Pulp Fiction.” 8 million butterflies Challah, thank you very much.
- 4th way to make Hannukah more festive than Christmas is to play the Adam Sandler Channukah song on Vinyl backwards only to hear the latest and greatest chorus addition, “Linda Sarsour, not a fan.” Challah. Thank you very much.
- 5th way to make Hannukah more festive than Christmas is to Jewish guilt Software Engineers at Amazon into seriously questioning the state of their moral compass by sending them LinkedIn Inn-Mail messages through LinkedIn Recruiter that read, “Tell Bezos to make the Hebrew Hammer available on Amazon prime already despite Florida and antisemitism being so hot right now.” 8 million butterflies, Challah. Thank you very much.
- 6th way to make Hannukah more festive than Christmas is to sign your kids up for art classes that teach your kids how make masked morons made out of clay for fuck the CDC day. 8 million butterflies, Challah. Thank you very much.
- 7th way to make Hannukah more festive than Christmas, permit your kids the freedom to pile drive mommy’s white Guido, non-denominational tree while dressed as Mr. Wonderful for Channukah Halloween instead. 8 million butterflies, Challah. Thank you very much.
- 8th way to make Hannukah more festive than Christmas is to launch your Burning Mask Party already, for eight glorious nights while throwing some of mama’s Gnomes on top because they look like Santa’s burn out Trust Fund Babies on Social Security. What’s another burnout offering after making Goodwill Grinch Fetterman the new face of the Democratic Party. So, what difference does it make? 8 million butterflies, Challah. Thank you very much.
Michael Kornbluth
Debunking Dunking
George Bush calls Zelensky the Winston Churchill of his day.
Stand up to the Azov Nazi’s in your own country and will talk.
New world order piece of shit, whatever happened to ex-presidents not getting involved in current politics ever? Especially, the only one who allowed 9/11 to happen on his watch while ducking a rip off Berkenstock soon after.
Construction on Obama Be Good’s library was halted because of a noose was found there.
They really want to start a race war, after the Jussie Smollett bust.
It’s bad enough that jail spillage is the motto of do-good Democrats these days.
I have to get hate stares at the Nordstrom Rack for buying some discounted Hot Wheels racetracks with my 3 white privileged cloaked kids. Hate on the FBI for planting the noose in Bubba Wallace’s garage after all lives matter became the new N word. For the past 6 years, I couldn’t buy a job interview if my rich pure blood depended on it. Finally, that changes starting the day after my wife’s birthday next Sunday. So, fuck anybody, who claims systematic racism still exists. Because guaranteed money in the NBA, regardless of injury or a reliable left hook, is so oppressive.
I feel bad for Kyrie Irving. NBA commissioner is forcing him to attend sensitivity training. So, don’t retweet anything Alex Jones ever posted. I don’t recall Alex Jones ever sucking off the alter of Paul Mooney by insisting how everything great originated from Africa only or push conspiracy theories like how Moses, God’s favorite prophet on Ranker, concocted the plan of getting future homies hooked on blunts and forties, so they’d space on how black Israelites were the original chosen people. Who were presented the Torah in full, from Moses on Mount Sani. As if Moses or God for that matter, would’ve gotten a word in. Black Israelites, being the original chosen people just got debunked dunked on yoh. Debunking Dunking, Challah. Thank you very much.
But seriously I feel bad for Kyrie. He’s also being forced to meet with heads of the ADL.
I’d rather play for China and come off the bench for Stephon Marbury.
All the ADL is going to obsess about is Kyrie associating himself with Alex Jones.
ADL fumes.
Alex Jones is Stalin.
Kyrie says.
Has the FBI ever prevented a school shooting from happening?
You’d think their dereliction of duty is what they shoot for in target practice.
Debunking Dunking, Challah.
Thank you very much.
Michael Kornbluth
Made In Wuhan
Biden mandated that no US government employee can call COVID 19, The China Virus or the Wu-Flu. I prefer to call it, Our Country Is Shit Out Of Luck Club.
If we the people, let the CDC, the WHO and Fuck Face Fauci dictate whether America becomes China’s masked bitch for life.
What did they call COVID behind closed doors at the Department of Homeland Security before Biden got his nappy in a bunch over so called hate speech? Biological Warfare falls under the Department of Agriculture.
What did fat ass William Barr call the COVID virus when he was in charge of destroying what credibility remained within the Department Of Justice? Ain’t No Thing, But Poisoned Peeking Duck On A String.
What did the Department of Defense say about the COVID 19 behind closed doors before Biden’s shut up and don’t rat on the Chinse mandate began? That’s what Americans get for electing a President who didn’t start any major new wars under his watch, who finally gave Vets the hospital service they deserve? Who ordered the US military to crush ISIS in the same time it takes Jared Kushner to blow a load in Ivanka whenever she talks dirty to him in Mandarin on his birthday again.
What did the Department of Veteran Affairs call the COVID Virus before Biden thought he possessed the authority to tell our vets how to label the real enemy behind the new red scare 2.0? Lebron and Nike sitting in a Chinese Maple Tree, SUCKING.
The Dishonorable Front
Best way for Obama’s half-brother to downplay his Terrorist ties to the Muslim Brotherhood. Ditch the Islamic head cap for a MAGA hat during a Facebook livestream on the 4th of July, while blasting the Kayne West portion of Black Republicans in the background. Before wishing Soccer Mom Nation, a Happy 4th, immune from low-income housing from radicalized Sunni refuges from Somalia like Minnesota did for congressional rep Baby Face Omar gonna work it out. Then, Malik, no I wasn’t the swing forward star from St. Johns, Obama, says, “Kenyan lives don’t matter, unless you’re Barack Obama, Christians decapitated by ISIS excluded. But you got to give Barack props for rebranding ISIS, ISIL, so they’d sound more startup friendly in the NY Times during March Madness. That’s an Obama accomplishment for you Tucker, that boasts thousands of likes under the Muslim Brotherhood fan page on LinkedIn. And if my half-brother is such a baller at basketball Tucker, then why did Barack ride the bench at an all-Asian private school in Hawaii?”
You ever get a LinkedIn connection request from an impossible to annunciate Arabic name which you’re only uncomfortable with because their profile shot is a headless one?
You don’t want to be accused of Islamophobia, so you’re forced to feel like an asshole for questioning whether this a warning shot from the Muslim Brotherhood for spreading disinformation on your WordPress comedy blog about Public Enemy and The Bomb Squad being bigger Elvis haters than lovers of Farrakhan’s use of poetry slam intended rhyme.
“I’m not an anti-Semite. I’m anti-Termite”, is an ok turn of phrase to try out at an oxygen bar open mike in the valley within the stench laden bowls of North Hollywood. But it’s no, “Emancipate our minds from mental slavery.” Or the demonic Jew in charge of CNN will praise ANTIFA for their unheralded bravery. Farrakhan isn’t my number one pick for prophets above Bob Marley on Ranker is all I’m saying. Although I’m positive Snoop Dog would disagree, despite Wine Spectator claiming, “Snoops’ Cabernet tastes like mouth wash used in porn hood hell.”
Did you know Hitler was born on the pot smoking holiday 4/20? I haven’t felt this duped by the satanic Jews in charge of green lighting Cheech and Chong films since they allowed Sly Stallone to sneak Mel Gibson into Expendables 3.
Has Don Lemon interviewed Ziggy Marley on 420 yet to discuss the plunging birthrates in NYC because of Lena Dunham’s encouraged arm fat flapper look on Instagram? Don Lemon asks, “How did your dad have so many kids Ziggy? Doesn’t ganja drain your ball sack dry? Ziggy Marley says with an extra lit powered grin, “Fake News Man.”
Michael Kornbluth
Crazy Stones
I always resented the alleged compliment in relation to me doing more stand-up comedy which was, “I’ll admit. You got balls man.” In other words, “You’ve got crazy stones. Because I’m not seeing the funny talented part necessary to get strangers off for a living either. But God bless your crazy great stones for deluding yourself into thinking you can. I can’t even imagine the balls it takes to interpret non-stop bombing as the audience just not understanding your rapid-fire delivery yet. They don’t possess your processing power. I’ve heard, yada, yada, yada.”
Or today I’ll hear from an old high school bud, “Oliver Stone, brilliant, but always off his rocker.” Well, like Oliver Stone says, “You’re either born crazy or boring.” I think we all know where your deadweight conversationalist sidings lean. But you loved JFK, and the 1st half of Born on the 4th. Hey asshole, Oliver Stone has weightier thoughts on a tank of Nitrous while puking his brains out than you do mainlining Adderall before giving a speech at Southwest by Southwest on targeted banner ads for Cool Whip whenever Katy Perry drops her latest and greatest video on Vevo titled, “Gummy Drop Nips Are Us.”, no offense. I’m reading his book Chasing the Light and learned how Oliver Stone is half Heeb, which is an exciting discovery like learning Danny McBride is half Heeb but more kvetchy whiny than the Yankee prep from New York really, that being Oliver Crazy Great Stones. Growing up, Oliver Stone’s father would pay him money to write stories, which veered toward the violent, including massive massacres, similar to my daughter, who I’m now calling a female Oliver Stone in the making. Because she’s already writing violent, intense, World War 2 dramas involving Nazi’s and I’m constantly bombarding her with material about the stolen election, Pizza Gate, Joan River’s murder, Seth Rich, W and 9/11, our corrupt intelligence agencies, the fake news insurrection, the clot shot fatality numbers on the VAERS database website and how Biden used to skinny dip in front of his female secret service agents while garbling, “Told you, I was bigger than the boogie boarder from Kenya.” So, when my old school high school bud, calls Oliver Stone crazy, I’m going to get a tad defensive on my daughter’s behalf, because she’s the female Oliver Stone in the making. Plus, they say you’re crazy till you made it, and Oliver Stone made it big time 3 decades ago, after volunteering to join the war in Vietnam and serving 2 tours of duty already. Alright, fine, maybe Oliver Stone is a little Cuckoo, but like Jack Kerouac said, “The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue center light pop and everybody goes “Awww!”
When my year without beer is over, I’m grabbing a beer with Stone, over an edible or 2. He helped my generation break on through to the other side of empty eighty’s filler. Nobody gets out of here alive, that’s right Jimbo, thanks for inspiring Oliver. Name another American made director that’s had the balls to take on the Deep State for taking out Kennedy, who wanted to dismantle the CIA personally, Deep State, you know Swamp Thing. Spike Lee tries to frame Charlottesville as a new wave of White Supremacist uprising in faded Polo Shirts and Tiki-Torches. But Skinheads sport MAGA hats come rain or shine. All of a sudden, Skinheads got something to hide. I also don’t recall Trump’s campaign slogan being Make Nazi Germany Great Again. Although Groping Biden insisting ANTIFA is an “idea” or the Department of Justice giving BLM a pass as Obama’s civilian army that doesn’t understand the intricacies of Turbo Tax because it’s culturally biased software. Or an administration in charge against the will of the people, pushing millions of Americans to boost their immunity into smitheries because they didn’t drink enough placenta smoothies like Alicia Silverstone, which makes it easier to stomach those food kissing videos with her kid without throwing up your Kale Chip Sprouts. You get the impression, that we’re under a fascist favoring country that has no need for truth bomb hurlers like Oliver Stone anymore, especially since the day Democracy died. After Supreme Court Justice Amy Barrett revealed herself to be nothing more than Mia Farrow with better husband selection. Although if Oliver Stone actually thinks The Icky Shuffle won the election, then he’s batshit crazy on par with Nancy Denture Breath Pelosi. But nobody’s perfect at the plate, not even Ted Williams or Charlie Sheen whiffing at the AVN award parties these days. Crazy Stones swings on, Challah. Thank you very much.
Michael Kornbluth
The Livewire One
The UN just passed a resolution to deny all Jewish ancestry connection to Temple Mount by calling it Haram esh-Sharif, which in Arabic means, “King Solomon didn’t build shit”, despite remnants of the Western Wall still standing. And there being archeological evidence of lamb skin condoms buried deep under the 1st Temple used by King Solomon with the Queen of Sheeba, so he could last longer, the next time she flashed her bushy legs under the influence of some primo Ethiopian weed, which was never confused with the dirt sprayed kind from the Bronx that tastes like Windex.
What would you consider more suicidal behavior? Accusing the founding father of Islam of cultural appropriation on the BBC for hijacking the great Mosque of Mecca despite Abraham and Ishmael building it. Or becoming known as a Dome of Rock Truther Blogger Comedian on Real Time with Bill Maher to take heat off Salmon Rushdie by comparing the UN’s attempt to rebrand the Temple Mount as a Muslim only holy site to Mr. Roger’s Land of Neighborhood Make Believe. Dome of Rock Truther Blogger Comedian reveals his last words on Real Time with Ball Maher, ” A 2-state solution is impossible if Hamas keeps fucking Bill. The Dome of Rock is also a 3-minute walk from the Western Wall. So, claiming ancestral connection to the original resting place that housed the 1st great Temple of Solomon is a stretch Bill, like Hillary claiming all her destroyed emails under subpoena were yoga related while the rest detailed funeral arrangements in the woods in case Chelsea’s finance decided to increase his asking price at the last sec. I also don’t recall Drago popping out of my voting booth to command, “Vote for Trump or I’ll break you.” Russian Collusion isn’t why Hillary Hammer Time Cankles lost to Trump. Hillary lost, because she’s an unhuggable cunt Bill. The same Huma Licker Breath who failed to sell 70 million branded racists on why Baby Boomer Mom knows best. I’m still waiting for that bumper sticker Bill, Baby Boomer Arrogance Never Dies. But Trump has ties to Russia, duh, what mail order bride owner doesn’t? Cut me off before the Muslim Brotherhood does Bill, hook up another 50 percent heeb when you can.
Bill Maher says, “You’re growing on me Michael like Dexter on Showtime although I don’t see you getting renewed for 7 more seasons.”
Suicidal Comedian throws in some final last words, “But Bill, I forgot to promote my new comedy record, “Not Kosher Baby.” The original record cover concept was a picture of my 5-Year-Old-Son licking Finn’s butt from the new woke Star Wars. My son does share my DNA, so he’s bound to take a dip into the dark side eventually. My son licking Finn’s butt was my son’s idea actually. I don’t want to you think I’m grooming future fluffers for the Rebellion. Son even said, “Finn being a black guy makes it funnier Daddy.” I said, “I agree, Samuel. Licking the Asian girl’s butt who plays the Rebel Mechanic wouldn’t work because I don’t see her being popular enough of a character to warrant a giant doll size action figure on her behalf either. Although the last image we settled on for the record cover was my son blocking his face with a Playboy magazine while holding up a playmate centerfold from a Suzanne Sommer issue that I got myself for Hanukkah. Next to my son in the pic is his Teddy Bear, who’s sporting an orange foam roller between his legs. In the end, my son and I decided to use the Teddy Bear foam roller hardon pic instead of the one catching my son in the middle of licking Finn’s butt. Between pictures, my son knocks over the orange foam roller with the Playboy. Later, I make him laugh when I said, “You knocked over his penis.” But yeah, so we went with the orange foam roller boner pic, because we didn’t want the butt licking one to do give the Podesta brother’s any funny ideas. And don’t act coy Bill. Google Tony Podesta artwork. There’s enough pedo installation artwork on those fundraising walls to make Marilyn Manson blush. At the same time Bill, going with the record cover of my son licking Finn’s butt for my 45th Comedy Record, Not Kosher Baby, would be innocuous compared to sicko states like California forcing kids to take COVID vaccine shots to attend Kindergarten like they’re grown-up Billy Madison’s who are wastes of life to begin with. The only long-term side-effects that we know off for kids are a false sense of security or a fake news return to normalcy because they work less than Hunter does on his Blow Painting since he gave up blow in townie bars in Wilmington, Delaware on the night before Thanksgiving, only hearing last call from the bathroom stall. And China loves open borders Joe, because Chinese made fentanyl smuggled across our southern border has killed more crackers in this country than Taylor Swift kicking with Lena Dunham on Instagram. Pregnant moms getting the COVID vax stab are causing an increase in stillbirth babies Bill. Vaccinated mothers are giving birth to kids with cardiac problems out of the womb. Grown healthy dads at 42 have been reported to drop dead of heart attacks on the vaccination room floors seconds later. But I’m supposed to trust Dr. Fauci who’s suppressed effective early-stage treatments like hydroxychloroquine to treat an itchy esophagus for anyone under 70, who never condemned Cuomo for forcing elderly homes to house infected COVID patients after Trumpy Poo shipped in hospital beds for needed spacing, that got less touches than a Bible at Barry’s favorite bathhouse colony in Provincetown. But my mom wants me to get stabbed with the vax before visiting her and my dad in Arizona. Mom tries to pre-close me on the phone with, “I don’t ask much of you.” And I’m thinking, “Experimenting with the most dangerous vaccine of all time, which a preponderance of PHD’s have resisted taking, so you can steal my free mind and warrior soul away is a pretty big ask mom. Your side already stole an election and got away with it since the day Democracy died. All of this drawn out COVID theater way past its expiration date, where all the evolved ones pretend to care about the health of their neighbor when most diehard leftists want all Trump voters dead already is a serially unfunny comedy, that’s offering no comedic relief in sight. Unless Mike Dikta becomes the new president of the CDC and calls masks a worst prevent defense than pissing off Walter Payton by calling him a pretty boy faggot in headbands. I know you don’t have kids Bill. But I wouldn’t want my worst enemy to see their kids masked up off the bus looking like Michael Jackson’s kids on holiday in Bahrain. But the masks work. Woke bloke please. Masks work less than Melo running the Triangle Offense. Why hasn’t Melo become the spokesperson for Tampax Tampons yet? Name another NBA lifer responsible for stopping so much flowage. And doctors who refuse to treat unvaccinated patients aren’t doctors anymore. They’re wannabe George Clooney’s in stethoscopes who belong in Straight Jackets for acting like COVID depresses your immune system more than backend entry into the Dallas Buyer’s Club. Last, I don’t like interfaith families Bill. Not that my wife gives me a choice in the matter. The only thing I hate more than my kids being used as extras like the kids from Pink Floyd the Wall to feed the media manipulated narrative behind vaccinated lives mattering the most, are fucking Gnomes Bill. Gnomes look like Santa’s stoner slacker offspring in Succession. I had to give up taking edibles before I thought my daughter was asleep already because I’d feel like a mongoloid moron trying to answer her super deep questions on the stuff. She’d ask, “So daddy, if God created the universe. Then, who created God. I said, “God went back in time in a Time Machine, made my Elon Musk.” Daughter says, “That’s a real convincing explanation Daddy. Thanks for making me an atheist at 4.” The Livewire One lives, Challah. Thank you very much.
Michael Kornbluth
Creeper Tuesdays
I don’t like my brother calling Bob Seger a God because he gets paid to operate a forklift while running on weed oils with ear buds on for a living, which taints his entire musical library for me. Which reminds me of the time my brother left a used condom on our old white leather coach despite me specifying prior, “Don’t swipe any skanky ass puss over to our house, the one weekend, I have away from the kids to get some work done. I understand your need to feel important like Hunter Biden since he gave up blow for blow painting but refrain from being next level of sketchy for a change like asking to be excused from a barbeque with my kids to pick up some pain relief aspirin at the local Pharmacia in Dutchess County on a Sunday while disappearing in and out of a Requiem for Dream, Team Oxy, thanks.”
But back to Bob Seger, I’d ask Alexa to play Still The Same, every time I got a new piece published by the The Good Men Project, before my editor told me that my last submission would her give her boss a heart attack, which included a scene where Rob Van Zant from Lynyrd Skynyrd turns Neil Young into his Canadian Cunt in the can and says, “More shrieking Young like your whipped on an anti-vax man. Natural Immunity can survive.” Hank Williams Junior lives, Challah. Thank you very much.
So, I love me so Bob Seger to, but I stop at calling him a “God” because he sold the rights to his song “Like A Rock” to the Ford company knowing how Henry Ford is the only American name drop in Mein Kampf who he viewed as a model citizen because he wrote a newsletter that blamed the Jews for the controlling the Federal Reserve and all the banks in the North Pole to. So, bro, keep clean from the heroin pills for your pain management issues for an extended stretch of time or show a modicum of remorse for making mom breakout into a perpetual case of canker sores and I’ll give a shit about your Kid Rock Country siding soul, deal?
Bob Seger is a God. You’d think my brother was working the assembly line for Ford’s new line of plug in Ford Explorers called, “Master Race Machines.” This is me interviewing Watson Computer on my Pause Daddy Podcast. “Watson, do you know that you’re named after Dr. Watson who invented tracking technology for the Kraut breath Nazis that made it easier to detect Jewish ancestry whenever they sported the ant eater schnauzer look between their legs instead? Watson Computer says, “No, shit Sherlock.”
Hitler even had a portrait of Henry Ford in his office. He put a swastika pin on his lapel, despite the swastika looking like 2 stick figures doing a 69 on a seesaw. Hitler called Heny Ford an “inspiration”, adding, “Fucking Christ killing Jews are the root of all evil, especially those descendants of Don Rickles who heckled the feckless, highly impressionable Roman Guards into crucifying Jesus to death.” Ford even received the highest medal in Nazi Germany called the Grand Cross German Eagle with a mustache on it. Ford wanted to wear it around his neck for the company Christmas Party until his wife said, “You look like a Dago clown with that thing on. Charlie Chaplin is getting invited to Hearst Castle and you’re not, get over it already. Bribe some Jewish writers from Hearst Newspapers to write your International Jew column for you if you crave the Jewish media’s embrace so much. Aren’t money hoarding, parasitical worms their spirit animals? So, get that God ugly necklace off and make me a French martini with an orange rind twist. Somebody has to add some color to this relationship. And dressing up like Woodrow Wilson for Halloween doesn’t count.” Trumpism lives, Challah. Thank you very much.
Is there anything Hitler didn’t culturally appropriate. First, it’s the swastika, which was formally a Hindu symbol for anal herpes karma, so that was actually quite on brand really. Then, he culturally appropriates Chaplin’s stash despite it failing to hide his herpes sores which flared up his desire to annihilate any non-kraut breath since his father called his decision to pursue art as a profession as “too ambitious”, before adding, “And you’re not even a speed freak hooked on Crystal Meth whose softer than German Pound Cake.” Plus, Hitler’s master race theory was totally pulled straight from the eugenics playbook written by the founder of Planned Parenthood, Margaret Sanger. And Planned Parenthood has deflated more hoop dreams than the NCAA instituting a no dunk rule because Kareem made Indiana centers look whiter than White Man’s Disease.
But back to Bob Seger. You could accuse the heartland rock God as the king of pedo friendly lyricism on his album Night Moves, when he sings, “Come see your papa if you need a pacifier? Then, motor mouth Bob sounds like Christmas came early when he sings, “Call me anytime. I’ll try to be your pacifier. If you feel like a horse blazin at the bit. It’s because I knocked out your fucking teeth because you chomped down too hard on my carrot stick.”
Next morning, Little Girl Blue asks, “Daddy, why didn’t the Tooth Fairy hook me up with a whole lot of Bitcoin under my digital wallet pillow last night? Is the Tooth Fairy another cheapskate Queen like Lou Reed?”
Father still drunk on Fire Water hell screams, “The Rock slept in for a change, alright. Where’s your friend Jenny? Is she hanging out with Gump again? Unlike you, she’s got good southern etiquette. And doesn’t mouth off and talk with her mouth full of more bay seasoned shrimp next time your cousin Billy Bob pays a visit.” Truly tasteless jokes about incest, cousin fucking and pedo punctuated lyricism live, Challah. Thank you very much.
But in Bob Seger’s defense, he only comes across as a harmless peeping tom loser in the song Main Street. Who can’t even get his courage up to enter the strip club, let alone offer to tip the DJ a crisp 20 spot for playing the 22-minute version of Whipping Post from the Filmore East by the Allman Brothers band. So Seger could get the most bang out of their one song per dance policy on Creeper Tuesdays. Instead, all Seger does in the song Main Street is creep on the so young and sweet stripper by watching her through the glass to the smoky live beat. Segar should’ve renamed that song, Blue Balls on Main Street.
But let’s talk about how great St. Louis Cardinals fans are. Cardinals Nation gave Mark McGwire consistent standing ovations during his initial 0 for 28 hitting slump after they traded for him midseason, not knowing if he’d resign with them in the off season after his contract was up. Yankee fans would’ve been raiding the closet for Energizer batteries to pelt his Pez Despenser head with while hyped on shitty coke from Washington Heights. He’s only 6’5. Pops is right, I really am a waste of height.
This is George Thorogood backstage with Sammy Haggar during their Crazy Times Tour. “Hey Sammy, I tried your Tequilla. It tastes Van Halen light.”
And this is the CDC throwing a retirement party for Dr. Fauci. “Hope you’re not sick of Gnocchi, Dr. Gnocchi. We got Mario Batali on the cheap. It was Gates idea to put caramelized grasshoppers on top. So, let’s raise our Placenta Stump Smoothies and toast the greatest loser streak off all time. How many hit vaccines were developed under your watch? An Aids blanket quilter on Pinterest would like to know. But if you’re goal was depopulation with the clot shot. Then, mazel Tov, you and Gates got what you wanted. To the year of the Four Eyed Snakes. I hope Herschel Walker forgets about pumping your daughter with some MAGA teen spirit between 1000 more crunches with Fox News on the background while making Jungle Fever great again. Does it feel inclusive enough dear? Hershel Walker plows Gate’s daughter after pounding some shots of Wheatgrass on her Placenta Smoothie Farm Retreat and says, “Too inclusive, yet?” Creeper Tuesdays live, Challah. Thank you very much.
Michael Kornbluth
Putz and A Half
Remember when the lights went out on the Statue of Liberty after DeBlasio forget to pay the Con Ed Bill on time again? Was DeBlasio disinvited from the 9/11 ceremony by Mayor Adams today or was Putz breath social distancing himself from any veneer of menschy integrity again? Just another day in the dumps for old DeBlas. Just to play it safe, Mayor Adams calls his security detail, “I don’t want fucking Big Bird anywhere near Ground Zero today. That cracker ass bird has got 5 inches on me, easy. My homies can’t see his pompous ass beak looking down on me with his fag hag lesbo wife by his side. I’m plowing new tight trim on the regular yoh! I got 99 problems but balling as a bang happy mayor at the club isn’t one. But were supposed to believe Garlic Breath DeBlasio converted natty dread snatch. And Bob Marley believed in late term abortion on demand. Doesn’t putz face De-Blasio eat pizza with a fork and knife? So going down on his Park Slope lesbo wife without a nappy dread mask on, with such sudden, reckless abandon is a plausible theory to digest.
Putz and a Half lives, Challah. Thank you very much.
Michael Kornbluth
Fabulous Gang Bangs
Magic calling a time out on more hang out time with Lakers owner bus Dr. Buss.
“Dr. Buss, remember when Coop said how running the fast break was better than sex?” Well, that was some old G Nostradamus shit. HIV don’t want me playing around no more. Cookie said, “That’s how the cookie crumbles.” Dr. Bus says, “Don’t worry Magic. I’ll call in a favor to Jack. We can pump his body double for some fresh blood. How do you think Jack stayed alive after all these years? His dick should’ve caught gang green from gang banging fountain spewing hookers in Chinatown ages ago. How else could he bang more fabulous tight-coochie girls while standing up while smoking a joint to cheer you on in the playoffs during away games. Fabulous gang bangs live, Challah. Thank you very much.
Michael Kornbluth
Do It All Dad Year Podcast Blog 