Debunking Dunking

George Bush calls Zelensky the Winston Churchill of his day.

Stand up to the Azov Nazi’s in your own country and will talk.

New world order piece of shit, whatever happened to ex-presidents not getting involved in current politics ever? Especially, the only one who allowed 9/11 to happen on his watch while ducking a rip off Berkenstock soon after.

Construction on Obama Be Good’s library was halted because of a noose was found there.

They really want to start a race war, after the Jussie Smollett bust.

It’s bad enough that jail spillage is the motto of do-good Democrats these days.

I have to get hate stares at the Nordstrom Rack for buying some discounted Hot Wheels racetracks with my 3 white privileged cloaked kids. Hate on the FBI for planting the noose in Bubba Wallace’s garage after all lives matter became the new N word. For the past 6 years, I couldn’t buy a job interview if my rich pure blood depended on it. Finally, that changes starting the day after my wife’s birthday next Sunday. So, fuck anybody, who claims systematic racism still exists. Because guaranteed money in the NBA, regardless of injury or a reliable left hook, is so oppressive.

I feel bad for Kyrie Irving. NBA commissioner is forcing him to attend sensitivity training. So, don’t retweet anything Alex Jones ever posted. I don’t recall Alex Jones ever sucking off the alter of Paul Mooney by insisting how everything great originated from Africa only or push conspiracy theories like how Moses, God’s favorite prophet on Ranker, concocted the plan of getting future homies hooked on blunts and forties, so they’d space on how black Israelites were the original chosen people. Who were presented the Torah in full, from Moses on Mount Sani. As if Moses or God for that matter, would’ve gotten a word in. Black Israelites, being the original chosen people just got debunked dunked on yoh. Debunking Dunking, Challah. Thank you very much.

But seriously I feel bad for Kyrie. He’s also being forced to meet with heads of the ADL.

I’d rather play for China and come off the bench for Stephon Marbury.

All the ADL is going to obsess about is Kyrie associating himself with Alex Jones.

ADL fumes.

Alex Jones is Stalin.

Kyrie says.

Has the FBI ever prevented a school shooting from happening?

You’d think their dereliction of duty is what they shoot for in target practice.

Debunking Dunking, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Made In Wuhan


Biden mandated that no US government employee can call COVID 19, The China Virus or the Wu-Flu. I prefer to call it, Our Country Is Shit Out Of Luck Club.

If we the people, let the CDC, the WHO and Fuck Face Fauci dictate whether America becomes China’s masked bitch for life.

What did they call COVID behind closed doors at the Department of Homeland Security before Biden got his nappy in a bunch over so called hate speech? Biological Warfare falls under the Department of Agriculture.

What did fat ass William Barr call the COVID virus when he was in charge of destroying what credibility remained within the Department Of Justice? Ain’t No Thing, But Poisoned Peeking Duck On A String.

What did the Department of Defense say about the COVID 19 behind closed doors before Biden’s shut up and don’t rat on the Chinse mandate began? That’s what Americans get for electing a President who didn’t start any major new wars under his watch, who finally gave Vets the hospital service they deserve? Who ordered the US military to crush ISIS in the same time it takes Jared Kushner to blow a load in Ivanka whenever she talks dirty to him in Mandarin on his birthday again.

What did the Department of Veteran Affairs call the COVID Virus before Biden thought he possessed the authority to tell our vets how to label the real enemy behind the new red scare 2.0? Lebron and Nike sitting in a Chinese Maple Tree, SUCKING.

The Dishonorable Front

Best way for Obama’s half-brother to downplay his Terrorist ties to the Muslim Brotherhood. Ditch the Islamic head cap for a MAGA hat during a Facebook livestream on the 4th of July, while blasting the Kayne West portion of Black Republicans in the background. Before wishing Soccer Mom Nation, a Happy 4th, immune from low-income housing from radicalized Sunni refuges from Somalia like Minnesota did for congressional rep Baby Face Omar gonna work it out. Then, Malik, no I wasn’t the swing forward star from St. Johns, Obama, says, “Kenyan lives don’t matter, unless you’re Barack Obama, Christians decapitated by ISIS excluded. But you got to give Barack props for rebranding ISIS, ISIL, so they’d sound more startup friendly in the NY Times during March Madness. That’s an Obama accomplishment for you Tucker, that boasts thousands of likes under the Muslim Brotherhood fan page on LinkedIn. And if my half-brother is such a baller at basketball Tucker, then why did Barack ride the bench at an all-Asian private school in Hawaii?”

You ever get a LinkedIn connection request from an impossible to annunciate Arabic name which you’re only uncomfortable with because their profile shot is a headless one?

You don’t want to be accused of Islamophobia, so you’re forced to feel like an asshole for questioning whether this a warning shot from the Muslim Brotherhood for spreading disinformation on your WordPress comedy blog about Public Enemy and The Bomb Squad being bigger Elvis haters than lovers of Farrakhan’s use of poetry slam intended rhyme.

“I’m not an anti-Semite. I’m anti-Termite”, is an ok turn of phrase to try out at an oxygen bar open mike in the valley within the stench laden bowls of North Hollywood. But it’s no, “Emancipate our minds from mental slavery.” Or the demonic Jew in charge of CNN will praise ANTIFA for their unheralded bravery. Farrakhan isn’t my number one pick for prophets above Bob Marley on Ranker is all I’m saying.  Although I’m positive Snoop Dog would disagree, despite Wine Spectator claiming, “Snoops’ Cabernet tastes like mouth wash used in porn hood hell.”

Did you know Hitler was born on the pot smoking holiday 4/20? I haven’t felt this duped by the satanic Jews in charge of green lighting Cheech and Chong films since they allowed Sly Stallone to sneak Mel Gibson into Expendables 3.

Has Don Lemon interviewed Ziggy Marley on 420 yet to discuss the plunging birthrates in NYC because of Lena Dunham’s encouraged arm fat flapper look on Instagram? Don Lemon asks, “How did your dad have so many kids Ziggy? Doesn’t ganja drain your ball sack dry? Ziggy Marley says with an extra lit powered grin, “Fake News Man.”

Michael Kornbluth

Crazy Stones

I always resented the alleged compliment in relation to me doing more stand-up comedy which was, “I’ll admit. You got balls man.” In other words, “You’ve got crazy stones. Because I’m not seeing the funny talented part necessary to get strangers off for a living either. But God bless your crazy great stones for deluding yourself into thinking you can. I can’t even imagine the balls it takes to interpret non-stop bombing as the audience just not understanding your rapid-fire delivery yet. They don’t possess your processing power. I’ve heard, yada, yada, yada.”

Or today I’ll hear from an old high school bud, “Oliver Stone, brilliant, but always off his rocker.” Well, like Oliver Stone says, “You’re either born crazy or boring.” I think we all know where your deadweight conversationalist sidings lean. But you loved JFK, and the 1st half of Born on the 4th. Hey asshole, Oliver Stone has weightier thoughts on a tank of Nitrous while puking his brains out than you do mainlining Adderall before giving a speech at Southwest by Southwest on targeted banner ads for Cool Whip whenever Katy Perry drops her latest and greatest video on Vevo titled, “Gummy Drop Nips Are Us.”, no offense. I’m reading his book Chasing the Light and learned how Oliver Stone is half Heeb, which is an exciting discovery like learning Danny McBride is half Heeb but more kvetchy whiny than the Yankee prep from New York really, that being Oliver Crazy Great Stones. Growing up, Oliver Stone’s father would pay him money to write stories, which veered toward the violent, including massive massacres, similar to my daughter, who I’m now calling a female Oliver Stone in the making. Because she’s already writing violent, intense, World War 2 dramas involving Nazi’s and I’m constantly bombarding her with material about the stolen election, Pizza Gate, Joan River’s murder, Seth Rich, W and 9/11, our corrupt intelligence agencies, the fake news insurrection, the clot shot fatality numbers on the VAERS database website and how Biden used to skinny dip in front of his female secret service agents while garbling, “Told you, I was bigger than the boogie boarder from Kenya.” So, when my old school high school bud, calls Oliver Stone crazy, I’m going to get a tad defensive on my daughter’s behalf, because she’s the female Oliver Stone in the making. Plus, they say you’re crazy till you made it, and Oliver Stone made it big time 3 decades ago, after volunteering to join the war in Vietnam and serving 2 tours of duty already. Alright, fine, maybe Oliver Stone is a little Cuckoo, but like Jack Kerouac said, “The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue center light pop and everybody goes “Awww!”

When my year without beer is over, I’m grabbing a beer with Stone, over an edible or 2. He helped my generation break on through to the other side of empty eighty’s filler. Nobody gets out of here alive, that’s right Jimbo, thanks for inspiring Oliver. Name another American made director that’s had the balls to take on the Deep State for taking out Kennedy, who wanted to dismantle the CIA personally, Deep State, you know Swamp Thing. Spike Lee tries to frame Charlottesville as a new wave of White Supremacist uprising in faded Polo Shirts and Tiki-Torches. But Skinheads sport MAGA hats come rain or shine. All of a sudden, Skinheads got something to hide. I also don’t recall Trump’s campaign slogan being Make Nazi Germany Great Again. Although Groping Biden insisting ANTIFA is an “idea” or the Department of Justice giving BLM a pass as Obama’s civilian army that doesn’t understand the intricacies of Turbo Tax because it’s culturally biased software. Or an administration in charge against the will of the people, pushing millions of Americans to boost their immunity into smitheries because they didn’t drink enough placenta smoothies like Alicia Silverstone, which makes it easier to stomach those food kissing videos with her kid without throwing up your Kale Chip Sprouts. You get the impression, that we’re under a fascist favoring country that has no need for truth bomb hurlers like Oliver Stone anymore, especially since the day Democracy died. After Supreme Court Justice Amy Barrett revealed herself to be nothing more than Mia Farrow with better husband selection. Although if Oliver Stone actually thinks The Icky Shuffle won the election, then he’s batshit crazy on par with Nancy Denture Breath Pelosi. But nobody’s perfect at the plate, not even Ted Williams or Charlie Sheen whiffing at the AVN award parties these days. Crazy Stones swings on, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

The Livewire One

The UN just passed a resolution to deny all Jewish ancestry connection to Temple Mount by calling it Haram esh-Sharif, which in Arabic means, “King Solomon didn’t build shit”, despite remnants of the Western Wall still standing. And there being archeological evidence of lamb skin condoms buried deep under the 1st Temple used by King Solomon with the Queen of Sheeba, so he could last longer, the next time she flashed her bushy legs under the influence of some primo Ethiopian weed, which was never confused with the dirt sprayed kind from the Bronx that tastes like Windex.

What would you consider more suicidal behavior? Accusing the founding father of Islam of cultural appropriation on the BBC for hijacking the great Mosque of Mecca despite Abraham and Ishmael building it. Or becoming known as a Dome of Rock Truther Blogger Comedian on Real Time with Bill Maher to take heat off Salmon Rushdie by comparing the UN’s attempt to rebrand the Temple Mount as a Muslim only holy site to Mr. Roger’s Land of Neighborhood Make Believe. Dome of Rock Truther Blogger Comedian reveals his last words on Real Time with Ball Maher, ” A 2-state solution is impossible if Hamas keeps fucking Bill. The Dome of Rock is also a 3-minute walk from the Western Wall. So, claiming ancestral connection to the original resting place that housed the 1st great Temple of Solomon is a stretch Bill, like Hillary claiming all her destroyed emails under subpoena were yoga related while the rest detailed funeral arrangements in the woods in case Chelsea’s finance decided to increase his asking price at the last sec. I also don’t recall Drago popping out of my voting booth to command, “Vote for Trump or I’ll break you.” Russian Collusion isn’t why Hillary Hammer Time Cankles lost to Trump. Hillary lost, because she’s an unhuggable cunt Bill. The same Huma Licker Breath who failed to sell 70 million branded racists on why Baby Boomer Mom knows best. I’m still waiting for that bumper sticker Bill, Baby Boomer Arrogance Never Dies. But Trump has ties to Russia, duh, what mail order bride owner doesn’t? Cut me off before the Muslim Brotherhood does Bill, hook up another 50 percent heeb when you can.

Bill Maher says, “You’re growing on me Michael like Dexter on Showtime although I don’t see you getting renewed for 7 more seasons.”

Suicidal Comedian throws in some final last words, “But Bill, I forgot to promote my new comedy record, “Not Kosher Baby.” The original record cover concept was a picture of my 5-Year-Old-Son licking Finn’s butt from the new woke Star Wars. My son does share my DNA, so he’s bound to take a dip into the dark side eventually. My son licking Finn’s butt was my son’s idea actually. I don’t want to you think I’m grooming future fluffers for the Rebellion. Son even said, “Finn being a black guy makes it funnier Daddy.” I said, “I agree, Samuel. Licking the Asian girl’s butt who plays the Rebel Mechanic wouldn’t work because I don’t see her being popular enough of a character to warrant a giant doll size action figure on her behalf either. Although the last image we settled on for the record cover was my son blocking his face with a Playboy magazine while holding up a playmate centerfold from a Suzanne Sommer issue that I got myself for Hanukkah. Next to my son in the pic is his Teddy Bear, who’s sporting an orange foam roller between his legs. In the end, my son and I decided to use the Teddy Bear foam roller hardon pic instead of the one catching my son in the middle of licking Finn’s butt. Between pictures, my son knocks over the orange foam roller with the Playboy. Later, I make him laugh when I said, “You knocked over his penis.” But yeah, so we went with the orange foam roller boner pic, because we didn’t want the butt licking one to do give the Podesta brother’s any funny ideas. And don’t act coy Bill. Google Tony Podesta artwork. There’s enough pedo installation artwork on those fundraising walls to make Marilyn Manson blush. At the same time Bill, going with the record cover of my son licking Finn’s butt for my 45th Comedy Record, Not Kosher Baby, would be innocuous compared to sicko states like California forcing kids to take COVID vaccine shots to attend Kindergarten like they’re grown-up Billy Madison’s who are wastes of life to begin with. The only long-term side-effects that we know off for kids are a false sense of security or a fake news return to normalcy because they work less than Hunter does on his Blow Painting since he gave up blow in townie bars in Wilmington, Delaware on the night before Thanksgiving, only hearing last call from the bathroom stall. And China loves open borders Joe, because Chinese made fentanyl smuggled across our southern border has killed more crackers in this country than Taylor Swift kicking with Lena Dunham on Instagram. Pregnant moms getting the COVID vax stab are causing an increase in stillbirth babies Bill. Vaccinated mothers are giving birth to kids with cardiac problems out of the womb. Grown healthy dads at 42 have been reported to drop dead of heart attacks on the vaccination room floors seconds later. But I’m supposed to trust Dr. Fauci who’s suppressed effective early-stage treatments like hydroxychloroquine to treat an itchy esophagus for anyone under 70, who never condemned Cuomo for forcing elderly homes to house infected COVID patients after Trumpy Poo shipped in hospital beds for needed spacing, that got less touches than a Bible at Barry’s favorite bathhouse colony in Provincetown. But my mom wants me to get stabbed with the vax before visiting her and my dad in Arizona. Mom tries to pre-close me on the phone with, “I don’t ask much of you.” And I’m thinking, “Experimenting with the most dangerous vaccine of all time, which a preponderance of PHD’s have resisted taking, so you can steal my free mind and warrior soul away is a pretty big ask mom. Your side already stole an election and got away with it since the day Democracy died. All of this drawn out COVID theater way past its expiration date, where all the evolved ones pretend to care about the health of their neighbor when most diehard leftists want all Trump voters dead already is a serially unfunny comedy, that’s offering no comedic relief in sight. Unless Mike Dikta becomes the new president of the CDC and calls masks a worst prevent defense than pissing off Walter Payton by calling him a pretty boy faggot in headbands. I know you don’t have kids Bill. But I wouldn’t want my worst enemy to see their kids masked up off the bus looking like Michael Jackson’s kids on holiday in Bahrain. But the masks work. Woke bloke please. Masks work less than Melo running the Triangle Offense. Why hasn’t Melo become the spokesperson for Tampax Tampons yet? Name another NBA lifer responsible for stopping so much flowage. And doctors who refuse to treat unvaccinated patients aren’t doctors anymore. They’re wannabe George Clooney’s in stethoscopes who belong in Straight Jackets for acting like COVID depresses your immune system more than backend entry into the Dallas Buyer’s Club. Last, I don’t like interfaith families Bill. Not that my wife gives me a choice in the matter. The only thing I hate more than my kids being used as extras like the kids from Pink Floyd the Wall to feed the media manipulated narrative behind vaccinated lives mattering the most, are fucking Gnomes Bill. Gnomes look like Santa’s stoner slacker offspring in Succession. I had to give up taking edibles before I thought my daughter was asleep already because I’d feel like a mongoloid moron trying to answer her super deep questions on the stuff. She’d ask, “So daddy, if God created the universe. Then, who created God. I said, “God went back in time in a Time Machine, made my Elon Musk.” Daughter says, “That’s a real convincing explanation Daddy. Thanks for making me an atheist at 4.” The Livewire One lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Creeper Tuesdays

I don’t like my brother calling Bob Seger a God because he gets paid to operate a forklift while running on weed oils with ear buds on for a living, which taints his entire musical library for me. Which reminds me of the time my brother left a used condom on our old white leather coach despite me specifying prior, “Don’t swipe any skanky ass puss over to our house, the one weekend, I have away from the kids to get some work done. I understand your need to feel important like Hunter Biden since he gave up blow for blow painting but refrain from being next level of sketchy for a change like asking to be excused from a barbeque with my kids to pick up some pain relief aspirin at the local Pharmacia in Dutchess County on a Sunday while disappearing in and out of a Requiem for Dream, Team Oxy, thanks.”

But back to Bob Seger, I’d ask Alexa to play Still The Same, every time I got a new piece published by the The Good Men Project, before my editor told me that my last submission would her give her boss a heart attack, which included a scene where Rob Van Zant from Lynyrd Skynyrd turns Neil Young into his Canadian Cunt in the can and says, “More shrieking Young like your whipped on an anti-vax man. Natural Immunity can survive.” Hank Williams Junior lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

So, I love me so Bob Seger to, but I stop at calling him a “God” because he sold the rights to his song “Like A Rock” to the Ford company knowing how Henry Ford is the only American name drop in Mein Kampf who he viewed as a model citizen because he wrote a newsletter that blamed the Jews for the controlling the Federal Reserve and all the banks in the North Pole to. So, bro, keep clean from the heroin pills for your pain management issues for an extended stretch of time or show a modicum of remorse for making mom breakout into a perpetual case of canker sores and I’ll give a shit about your Kid Rock Country siding soul, deal?

Bob Seger is a God. You’d think my brother was working the assembly line for Ford’s new line of plug in Ford Explorers called, “Master Race Machines.” This is me interviewing Watson Computer on my Pause Daddy Podcast. “Watson, do you know that you’re named after Dr. Watson who invented tracking technology for the Kraut breath Nazis that made it easier to detect Jewish ancestry whenever they sported the ant eater schnauzer look between their legs instead? Watson Computer says, “No, shit Sherlock.”

Hitler even had a portrait of Henry Ford in his office. He put a swastika pin on his lapel, despite the swastika looking like 2 stick figures doing a 69 on a seesaw. Hitler called Heny Ford an “inspiration”, adding, “Fucking Christ killing Jews are the root of all evil, especially those descendants of Don Rickles who heckled the feckless, highly impressionable Roman Guards into crucifying Jesus to death.” Ford even received the highest medal in Nazi Germany called the Grand Cross German Eagle with a mustache on it. Ford wanted to wear it around his neck for the company Christmas Party until his wife said, “You look like a Dago clown with that thing on. Charlie Chaplin is getting invited to Hearst Castle and you’re not, get over it already. Bribe some Jewish writers from Hearst Newspapers to write your International Jew column for you if you crave the Jewish media’s embrace so much. Aren’t money hoarding, parasitical worms their spirit animals? So, get that God ugly necklace off and make me a French martini with an orange rind twist. Somebody has to add some color to this relationship. And dressing up like Woodrow Wilson for Halloween doesn’t count.” Trumpism lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

Is there anything Hitler didn’t culturally appropriate. First, it’s the swastika, which was formally a Hindu symbol for anal herpes karma, so that was actually quite on brand really. Then, he culturally appropriates Chaplin’s stash despite it failing to hide his herpes sores which flared up his desire to annihilate any non-kraut breath since his father called his decision to pursue art as a profession as “too ambitious”, before adding, “And you’re not even a speed freak hooked on Crystal Meth whose softer than German Pound Cake.” Plus, Hitler’s master race theory was totally pulled straight from the eugenics playbook written by the founder of Planned Parenthood, Margaret Sanger. And Planned Parenthood has deflated more hoop dreams than the NCAA instituting a no dunk rule because Kareem made Indiana centers look whiter than White Man’s Disease.

But back to Bob Seger. You could accuse the heartland rock God as the king of pedo friendly lyricism on his album Night Moves, when he sings, “Come see your papa if you need a pacifier? Then, motor mouth Bob sounds like Christmas came early when he sings, “Call me anytime. I’ll try to be your pacifier. If you feel like a horse blazin at the bit. It’s because I knocked out your fucking teeth because you chomped down too hard on my carrot stick.”

Next morning, Little Girl Blue asks, “Daddy, why didn’t the Tooth Fairy hook me up with a whole lot of Bitcoin under my digital wallet pillow last night? Is the Tooth Fairy another cheapskate Queen like Lou Reed?”

Father still drunk on Fire Water hell screams, “The Rock slept in for a change, alright. Where’s your friend Jenny? Is she hanging out with Gump again? Unlike you, she’s got good southern etiquette. And doesn’t mouth off and talk with her mouth full of more bay seasoned shrimp next time your cousin Billy Bob pays a visit.” Truly tasteless jokes about incest, cousin fucking and pedo punctuated lyricism live, Challah. Thank you very much.

But in Bob Seger’s defense, he only comes across as a harmless peeping tom loser in the song Main Street. Who can’t even get his courage up to enter the strip club, let alone offer to tip the DJ a crisp 20 spot for playing the 22-minute version of Whipping Post from the Filmore East by the Allman Brothers band. So Seger could get the most bang out of their one song per dance policy on Creeper Tuesdays. Instead, all Seger does in the song Main Street is creep on the so young and sweet stripper by watching her through the glass to the smoky live beat. Segar should’ve renamed that song, Blue Balls on Main Street.

But let’s talk about how great St. Louis Cardinals fans are. Cardinals Nation gave Mark McGwire consistent standing ovations during his initial 0 for 28 hitting slump after they traded for him midseason, not knowing if he’d resign with them in the off season after his contract was up. Yankee fans would’ve been raiding the closet for Energizer batteries to pelt his Pez Despenser head with while hyped on shitty coke from Washington Heights. He’s only 6’5. Pops is right, I really am a waste of height.

This is George Thorogood backstage with Sammy Haggar during their Crazy Times Tour. “Hey Sammy, I tried your Tequilla. It tastes Van Halen light.”

And this is the CDC throwing a retirement party for Dr. Fauci. “Hope you’re not sick of Gnocchi, Dr. Gnocchi. We got Mario Batali on the cheap. It was Gates idea to put caramelized grasshoppers on top. So, let’s raise our Placenta Stump Smoothies and toast the greatest loser streak off all time. How many hit vaccines were developed under your watch? An Aids blanket quilter on Pinterest would like to know. But if you’re goal was depopulation with the clot shot. Then, mazel Tov, you and Gates got what you wanted. To the year of the Four Eyed Snakes. I hope Herschel Walker forgets about pumping your daughter with some MAGA teen spirit between 1000 more crunches with Fox News on the background while making Jungle Fever great again. Does it feel inclusive enough dear? Hershel Walker plows Gate’s daughter after pounding some shots of Wheatgrass on her Placenta Smoothie Farm Retreat and says, “Too inclusive, yet?” Creeper Tuesdays live, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Putz and A Half

Remember when the lights went out on the Statue of Liberty after DeBlasio forget to pay the Con Ed Bill on time again? Was DeBlasio disinvited from the 9/11 ceremony by Mayor Adams today or was Putz breath social distancing himself from any veneer of menschy integrity again? Just another day in the dumps for old DeBlas. Just to play it safe, Mayor Adams calls his security detail, “I don’t want fucking Big Bird anywhere near Ground Zero today. That cracker ass bird has got 5 inches on me, easy. My homies can’t see his pompous ass beak looking down on me with his fag hag lesbo wife by his side. I’m plowing new tight trim on the regular yoh! I got 99 problems but balling as a bang happy mayor at the club isn’t one. But were supposed to believe Garlic Breath DeBlasio converted natty dread snatch. And Bob Marley believed in late term abortion on demand. Doesn’t putz face De-Blasio eat pizza with a fork and knife? So going down on his Park Slope lesbo wife without a nappy dread mask on, with such sudden, reckless abandon is a plausible theory to digest.

Putz and a Half lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Fabulous Gang Bangs

Magic calling a time out on more hang out time with Lakers owner bus Dr. Buss.

“Dr. Buss, remember when Coop said how running the fast break was better than sex?” Well, that was some old G Nostradamus shit. HIV don’t want me playing around no more. Cookie said, “That’s how the cookie crumbles.” Dr. Bus says, “Don’t worry Magic. I’ll call in a favor to Jack. We can pump his body double for some fresh blood. How do you think Jack stayed alive after all these years? His dick should’ve caught gang green from gang banging fountain spewing hookers in Chinatown ages ago. How else could he bang more fabulous tight-coochie girls while standing up while smoking a joint to cheer you on in the playoffs during away games. Fabulous gang bangs live, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

The Flirting Conductor

By forsaking flirting, we’re cheating ourselves of a richer life to tap into for more joy spewing tomorrows. At least, that’s what I’m teaching my son today as we near close to ending his homeschooling apprenticeship, on the importance of flirting power. But why does flirting power matter? Because sometimes, loving the one you’re with isn’t enough. Screw Stephen Stills. Loving the one you’re with is a whole lot easier in 1970 when your able to forsake condoms for silky smooth lining instead of plastic covered seats. At the same time, my son is only 5 and hasn’t started Kindergarten yet. And I haven’t even joked about sending my kid to junior high during the post me to era with a lawyer on his person to hand out pre-poundage consent forms just yet. But I never think it’s early enough to get your kids into flirtation meditation. But what is flirtation meditation exactly? And since when is small talk at the bar considered fantasy material to get off your mind anytime?  Similar to Magic Johnson visualizing what no look passes he’d turn heads with while running the Showtime Lakers at the Forum on the fast break, flirtation meditation also helps you get into the mindset of picturing what scoring and balling means to you, that’s done with the intent of being the main floor general and driving force of your life instead of remaining a starless scrub on the bench who just goes through the motions of life like a passive, beaten down dog who only eats whatever scraps he’s lucky to get thrown his perpetually downer way.

My biggest regret growing up was letting my father bully me into disinviting my dear friend Coop from attending a Motely Crue concert during the Dr. Feelgood Tour because he deemed my new friend Ari a more deserving choice. I don’t remember the reason why pops pulled an Indian Giver move at the last minute, but it might have been because Coop was the fat kid and Ari wasn’t, I don’t know. All I do know, is that I sucked that much more than my dad for not sticking up for my friend by allowing my dad to bully me into bringing my friend Ari to the concert instead.  Another huge regret was letting my father bully me into selling all my basketball rookie cards to use as drinking money in Cancun during Spring Break my senior year in High School, without pushing back at forsaking my age of innocence for pass out money on the Booze Cruise. Understand, collecting basketball cards was a major labor of love for me as a kid, to the point where I somehow was able to amass enough loose change from my father’s change dish to afford almost every rookie card of those who played on the original Dream Team such as Patrick Ewing, Scottie Pippen, Charles Barkley and John Stockton. But dad was paying for my trip to Cancun, so how much leverage did I really have at the time? Could I threaten to burn my Bar Mitzah photo album if I refused? Still, in retrospect, I’m the one responsible for allowing my dad to push me into selling my basketball cards without ever taking the time to question whether passing out on a Booze Cruise off the coast of Cancun was more important than my cherished basketball card collection that gave me prideful ownership of my own.  So, in life, don’t always be so willing to let other’s map out what moves you make. Nobody remembers the King who financed the Columbus expedition into uncharted waters, but history sure as shit remembers who the fuck Christopher Columbus was. Christopher Columbus was the original old g new life commander, and nobody could take that away from thee, who gave birth to the rebranded Indigenous Day, motherfuckers.

So, what does bequeathing any sense of free will over to your dad have to with flirtation power and being a shallow, spineless friend with zero sense of loyalty who’s already moved on to the next best thing have to do with Christopher Columbus discovering the land of Fats Domino, Micky Mantle and John Huges comedies again?  Easy, Christpher Columbus refused to settle for what shit sandwich his superiors insisted he be content eating without ever daring to flirt with major changes of his own making to make on his own, his way, all the way. Sinatra lives before he was born, Challah, thank you very much.

Christopher Columbus flirted with change and made change his booty call, muse and go to top bitch to plow for deeper, unforeseen treasures never dreamed imaginable prior. In short, Columbus allowed himself the freedom to dream of a more adventurous, conquest heavy, freedom favoring life before taking such courageous, corrective action to live in order to avoid a subservient, gun-shy, die a thousand deaths before you die existence. Loving the one you’re with wasn’t enough for Columbus and shouldn’t be enough for you either, unless you’re the type who actually enjoys going on long walks with your significant other 10 years into your relationship already.

Pig Pen, the unofficial leader of the Grateful Dead and honorary member of the Hell’s Angels during the late sixties, who looked like Captain Morgan and the Sons of Anarchy had a baby, knew a thing or 2 about the importance of flirtation power. Pig Pen was also a powerful harpist, soul fused keyboardist and blues rap singer extraordinaire who had a summer fling with the gypsy queen of ramshackle soul Janis Joplin no less. It was 1967 at the Winterland Ballroom in San Franisco, a converted ice rink converted into a jam rock palace paradise, where Dickey Bets from the Allman Brother’s jammed out with Duane Allman with ferocious fluidity into uncharted, previously unexplored horizons as endless odes to spacious, soul piercing blue skies on the Stratocaster prior filled the air, when Jimi and Santana weren’t making endlessly beautifying a plus atmospheric space hurling blues rock of their own.

But on this night, Pig Pen turned on his love light on the crowd when he encouraged the gun-shy Deadhead stoners to snap out of their stoner stuck funk, when he bellowed with big man, flirtation power, “Get your hands out of your pocket, shake your love maker, and find somebody to love, so you won’t go home again lonely tonight. Love the one you’re with, that being yourself for life, by not letting that pretty girl with rings on her fingers and bells on her shoes pass along by without saying more than hi. In other words, get it while you can, you burnout bitches. Janis did. Flirtation power is your hands. So don’t squander it all just to trip face on tour with the band.”

And that’s why Pig Pen badgering his fan base into acting like more cocksure conquistadors for a change is the greatest flirting conductor story ever sold.

The End

Michael Kornbluth

Little Hitler Noser

Florida and Antisemitism are so hot right now. Why else would my wife’s friend husband feel comfortable enough to ask me if I ever read Mein Kampf over our arranged, lunch date this past Saturday on my people’s ordained day of rest no less? Plus, did you know Mein Kampf has 200 plus 4-star reviews on Amazon? But ban any book critical of the COVID 19 vaccine or radical Islam despite Mein Kampf being 720 pages of hate speech in a row. 

Have I read Mein Kampf? No, I don’t identify with the Psychotherapist in Dexter who tries to understand psychotic pricks better after my brother tried to kill my surging ego senior year in high school when he described my ambition to write a screenplay called Sloppy Second Son as “Too Ambitious”, after our mom instructed him to do so.

 

But you read Mein Kampf because you were curious. Were you curious about why Germany hasn’t produced more spit ball pitchers than the Dominican Republic? Or were you curious about why Jackie Joyner- Kersee wasn’t hired as the on-screen consultant trainer on Run Lola Run.

 

You were curious. Curious about what, whether Hitler birthed the idea of killing off gays with Aids, whenever his old school herpes sores flared up his desire to annihilate?  

 

Did you buy Mein Kampf with a Barnes and Noble gift card in honor of the Jewish people because we jerkoff to the Penny Saver on any given Sunday?

 

Did you invite Price Harry over for a pajama reading party before he came out as scruffy, woke Archie?

 

Hitler wanted to abolish all wealth from Jews who made Aryans feel like fake news Beautiful Minds in comparison. Jews got Marc Chagal, Anne Frank, Houdini, Chaplin, Einstein, Chopin and the Gershwin Brothers soon after. Who’s on your team Hitler, German bank tellers small enough to squeeze into Volkswagen’s?  Brahms, Beethoven and Bach, were all German gentiles, congratulations. None of them today would be offered six figures to play Clive Davis’s son’s Bar Mitzvah like Lenny Kravitz or Diamond David Lee Roth would. That’s how you know their classical music is overrated love.

 

Were you curious why Mein Kampf didn’t receive more 5-star reviews on Amazon by book of the month reviewers on 4 Chan?

I know Jews are ideologically inferior for thinking Germans are bigger dicks than defenders of BLM terrorists on TNT.

 

Were you curious about why Jordan Peterson is considered an authority on personality when he doesn’t have one?

Did I ever read Mein Kamph? Did Henry Ford’s International Jew demand a killer sequel in your book?

 

Were you curious about why Hitler didn’t lose any sleep from handing out free toasters to SS Officers for hitting their weekly kill count quotas? Maybe, it was because he was a homicidal maniac perpetually cranked up on crystal meth for starters Little Hitler Noser.

I know. Hatred of Jews in Germany started with a Jewish Bible Salesman who called the New Testament, The Bible Part 2, The Hearsay Years.

Were you curious about what kid books Hitler’s mom read to little Hitler? It’s too bad Curious George wasn’t invented by a married Jewish couple fleeing Nazi Germany in a self-made bike that wasn’t an electric one that hits get away rape speed when driving through no-go zone areas in Germany these days. Grooming rape gang AI alerts rule.

 

Were you curious about why Hitler is considered an overrated monster compared to Radical Islam which turned out to be the main driving force behind Europe becoming a Jew Free Europe today? Tommy Robinson lives, Challah, Thank you very much.  

But seriously, what can you learn from Mein Kampf that you didn’t know already?

 

Hitler described Jews as calculating, cold-hearted and opportunistic liars. What do Mr. Groper’s handlers in the White House have to do with it?

 

Hitler viewed Jews as a threat to German identity as if the milkman in the Fiddler was itching to diversify his income by taking up Gnome making, knowing Gnomes look like Santa’s cut off Trust Fund Babies, living off resin hits, mints and social security.

 

Hitler viewed Jews as a threat to Nationalism. But didn’t Hitler launch the Nationalist Socialist Party to avoid paying war reparations in his effort to make penny pinching great again?

 

It’s hard to respect Hitler’s power of originality as an artist because the swastika is a culturally appropriated, photo shopped Hindu symbol that looks like 2 stick figures doing a 69 on a seesaw on crystal meth.

 

An Aryan is any person with blond hair and blues eyes despite Paul Newman’s more natural style of acting winning him more acting awards than Robert Redford ever received before he opened Sundance to shower less wooden actors instead.

 

Hitler’s mom worked as a housemaid for a wealthy Jewish industrialist engineer, who invented the Mercedes Emblem, only later to be used on Hitler’s drive by car of choice.

 

 

Germany is the source of all important technology, despite IBM Wasps being responsible for developing technology that made it easier for SS officers to identify European Jewry slipped off to slaughter. Or as Watson Computer would say, “No Shirt Sherlock.”

 

Germany is the source of all important culture. Tarantino would disagree despite my in-laws admitting to not caring for the movie Inglorious Bastards. Then again, they booked stadium seating to see Apocalypto on Fandango 6 million months in advance.

 

Germany is the source of all important art.  Because Nazis tweaked on crystal meth were known for their expressionistic range, which ranged from deadly serious to flickering rage if the speed started to wear off after finally running out.

 

Inferior races including Slavic peoples like those damn Polish Jews were so dumb, they tried to sell rags to a German seamstress during her time of the month.

 

Hitler’s father sent him to vocational school because he thought Hitler showed less promise for drawing nudes than Stevie Wonde’s seeing eye dog, used for closer beer goggles inspection during Octoberfest. Stevie Wonder’s Seeing Eye Dog offers a second opinion, “I know you can feel her face Stevie, but I can smell her snatch, Woof, Woof.”

 

 

Hitler was a gifted, full of shit orator like Obama in Chaplin face.

 

And Obama’s more likely to have read Mein Kampf over Trump. Obama wished he was that organized. Getting to exterminate any critic who dared to criticize his master plan to nuke gift Iran as he slithered out the White House door would’ve been a gas.

 

Hitler had a talent for drawing on ancient old blood libel like the Jews being responsible for controlling all the banks in Deutschland and in the North Pole to.

 

Hitler had no problem connecting dots and drawing connections between the Jews heckling the Romans into crucifying Jesus Christ to death because they were 6 degrees separated from the ancestry of Don Rickles.

 

Hitler wasn’t fond of the commie Jew bastards in particular, responsible for promoting equality among all races, despite Jessee Owens not running Hitler’s master race theory into the ground during the Olympics in Berlin just yet.

 

Hitler resented any school of political thought that didn’t recognize German’s innate superiority at creating golden shower symphonies of sound on your SS shower cap.

 

Mein Kampf Cliff Notes.

Chosen perfectionists, my ass.

Eat my Bavarian butt mustard, you schmaltzy bitch.  

 

My struggle is refraining from calling someone a Kraut Breath Noser when they come out as Nazi apologists who describe Nazi’s as “proud people.” Proud of what, just following orders like any good Nazi boy would? George Soros lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

 

My struggle is refraining from shitting in somebody’s mouth after someone tells me they read Mein Kampf to understand his history of hate better. He’s another blah breath Kraut who took himself too seriously like the rest. The only difference is that Germans were dumb enough to believe that exterminating all the Jews would help them maintain a near monopoly on the motion picture business, especially after the advent of technicolor, which made golden shower stag films lose their dramatic dark edge.

 

The Jewish problem according to Hitler was the unforgivable crime of charging interest. Despite the Germans line of credit for possessing a better head for numbers or engineering when Albert Einstein helped the US develop the Atom bomb before those Kraut breaths nosers did.

 

According to Hitler, the Jewish problem was expecting immediate recognized service at all German restaurants, especially at the shabbier Jewish Delis, who offered less sex appeal than Ethel the Waitress’s armpit stains after working back to double shifts on Purim.  

 

But the Germans were prideful people. Why, they killed off all the future Albert Einstein’s that could’ve been talked into making an atom bomb of their own?

 

Hitler could’ve made an offer a Jewish immigrant scientist couldn’t refuse like when he told George Soros. A gun to head or free Cold Play tickets for life? I’ll even let Chris Martin play your son’s Bar Mitzvah if you round up 200 more Jews by sundown, deal?  Potato skins or schnitzel the size of Bridget Neilson’s flattened tits after Paulie passes out on her from drinking too much Stolie in her trailer to get in character again.

 

It’s weird to hear somebody admit they read Mein Kampf, when you know they’re more into audiobooks. So, you read Mein Kampf to understand why Hitler hated Jews so much? Wouldn’t the Mein Kampf cliff notes have been sufficient?

 

You read Mein Kamph. But when I offered you a copy of my book The Great American Jew Novel, you said, “I only listen to Audiobooks recommended by the Joe Rogan Podcast like Hillary Hammer Cankles latest and greatest manifesto, “Eat, Drink, Wheeze” or was it Bernie Sander’s one called, “Karl Marx Is Overrated”, or was it the one by Pearl Necklace Harris, “Kick the Camel Toe.” Challah. Thank you very much.

 

Was Mein Kampf on Audible barely audible like Natasha Lyonne cranked up on Crystal Meth to keep up with her motor mouth mind on Russian Doll?

 

They say Hitler would cum in his own pants from the sound of his own voice. So, did Hedi Klum narrating his book on Audible fail to give you the same amount of sustained stiffage on your behalf? Was Hedi Klum not a believable narrator knowing her clipped, Resiling dry, cold as Eichmann monotone was never spit enough heavy for your preferred spaz attacks tastes?

 

You wanted to learn about why Hitler wanted to create a racially pure German state? Despite uncircumcised German men looking like albino white Ant Eaters between their legs, got it. 

 

You wanted to learn why none of your German ancestors were famous architects?  Or else why would you be forced to live in another drab, ranch house in wigger breath, Long Island hack country like the rest.

 

Did you really need to read Mein Kamph to learn how intermingling your blood line with Jewish ones would only result in you being stingier at giving credit when it’s deserved?  

 

Now you better understand the need for Nazi’s to create more living space because German Halls weren’t spacious enough?

 

 

You feel bad about the Weimer Republic giving away the farm after they lost World War 1, which they started, despite possessing 0.0 negotiating leverage? Losers don’t get to dictate shit Kraut Breath Noser. Challah, thank you very much. 

 

You really think I want to mingle with a wannabe hobbit hipster like yourself on my one ordained day of rest a week? I’d rather watch Concentration Camp paint dry on the last tour of Auschwitz before the peak season during Holocaust Remembrance Month.

The French invented the 69 and Germans invented the Golden Shower caps. But Third Reich officers in those golden shower SS caps looked like interchangeable rock star limo drivers for the Scorpions after the Berlin Wall went down faster than Obama did in a Chicago bathhouse during Arafat Appreciation Month. Lenny Bruce and Joan Rivers had a baby, Challah! Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth