Bossing Through Kidding

Why should Dads care about being funnier around their kids?

Because like Victor Borge, famous humorist, entertainer once prophesied, “Laughter is the shortest distance between 2 people.” But laughter between father and son, father and daughter reigns love supreme. John Coltrane lives. So, get closer to your kids though making them laugh already. The roots of your bondage long term depend on it.

Grow tighter with your kids with a tight 5. Meaning, it takes years to develop five minutes of material for most, so get cracking.

Use Your Kids Like an Open Mike.

Be the first to sign on the list.
Open up with your strongest material.
Keep it loose enough to improvise.
Close with PG-13 material and start making out with my daughter’s stuffed animal Pineapple Pretty. Just so my kid can do their half of the routine. How dare you kiss Pineapple Pretty? I didn’t get the impression she was asking for it. No more Pineapple Pretty for you Daddy, sorry.
Unspoken truth about why kids have miserable childhoods.

Late bloomers feel tripped up from the starting gate.

New insight into a familiar situation.
Kids are socially awkward today because they only talk in half sentences in real life.

Description of my talk about what sparks joy.

The Joy of Killing is about the importance of making your kids laugh.

The Joy of Killing is about what joy is sparked from making your kids laugh 4 minutes a day.

Bombing at Parenting is about losing the room meaning loss of interest from the audience giving a shit about your one second longer than they want to anymore.

Funnier dad, happier baby is about how much happier my baby is because I work harder at being funnier than just husband, that’s all.

Do It All Dads Home School Boy, is about refusing to outsource the totality of your kid’s education to a liberal hack professor who never made a cold call in the real world in her life.

Hot For Funnier Teachers is about kids being motivated to learn more by funnier teachers who relax them in class and make them feel less self-conscious, by laughing in unison at funnier teachers, long time.

Do It All Dads Matter is about dads being huge scene stealers.

Controlling My Kids With Comedy is my parenting philosophy practice, that’s resulted in my 3 kids being fuss free, most of the time, nobody’s perfect.

Use Your Kids Like Open Mikes is about making the most of your stage time with your kids at home, as limited as it is. Like they say in Woody Allen’s classic, Broadway Danny Rose, pre-Soon-Ye, always open big.

Children Are Better Than You, is about how children are better than you, especially, when you’re an emotionally, fragile prick.

The Power of Because is about developing your kids’ expression might and getting closer to finishing line of funny by filling in the blank following because. Fore example, pussy grabbing eluded Al Franken because he’s only 4 foot 2.

Never underestimate the comedic oomph of dad coined nicknames for his kids. They’ll love you long time for it, forevermore.

Bossing Through Kidding is about how kids want to be led by funnier teachers, Sam Kinison in Back To School, excluded.

LaVar Ball and Mr. Rogers go to a bar.

Mr. Rogers says, “You got baller wear, for my cracker footed ass?”

Evidence to support my idea of what killing your kids with laughter is the ultimate love supreme act of giving, to touch their inner depths of the soul like no, other, or maybe that’s the Super Shiva talking.

“How much love inside a friend? Depends on how much you give them.”

Shel Silverstein

“Let woman out of the home, let men into it. Should be the aim of education.”

Pearl S. Buck

Addressing Counterarguments

Too tired to be funny around your kids. I used to cold call 9 hours a day, and still find time to write jokes after work and fit in open mikes, before I had 3 kids out of nowhere, you can handle it.

Calls To Action

Make your home the happiest place on earth.

Personalize stuffed animals.

Talk to your kids like grown up comedians, seeking in their input on new material.

Use your kids like open mikes.

Include your kids in adult conversations.

Use the power of because.

Brainstorm nicknames, talk them out together, teaching your kids, sometimes the 4th idea is the strongest.

Yuck it up at home with your kids more.

Make home do it all dad time.

Talking down to your kids repel.

What’s awful and make it silly?

Your own dad questioning you’re desire to hang out again.

I chose our father means I was never that attached to you compared to your brother after all.

Chose laughs over silence.

Getting your kids to laugh more is good.

A sense of humor is a sign of strong, resilient, barely living on his wits freak.

Don’t play ISO ball like a flow sucking Carmelo Anthony.

Depriving joy makes you evil dude.

Stop outsourcing your kid’s entertainment.

Stop treating your kids like sloppy seconds

Rant like candy more, dictate less.

That’s it for now.

Michael Kornbluth

Sent from Mail for Windows 10

The Joy Of Killing

Roseanne Barr was ballsy enough to admit, killing on Carson, brought her more joy than the birth of her own children. Those balls were nowhere to be seen when she blamed Ambien for tweets about Obama’s live in Arabian horse whisperer Valerie Jarrett, the pusher and main author of Iran’s nuke gifting deal, but nobody’s perfect. Everybody in the room laughing from something you meant to be funny is perfect, especially on stage, because the more laughs, the merrier. When you get a laugh on stage it fills the room whole, as the walls pulsate with life, like it does during the midnight hour, when the totality of groupie love your way comes tumbling down. Finally, the struggling open mike comedian on stage feels like he possesses a fighter’s chance at being an American Comedian Hero, whose got stars in his eyes. But when you’re a father of three and host the Do It All Dad Year Podcast from home, dad friendly entertainment for you and me, entertaining a bunch of millennial mouseketeers in the lower east side for old time sake, is no longer such a doable situation, when you’re a fifty minute train ride from the city, which costs 40 dollars alone before paying subway fare and the one drink minimum to preform, which still isn’t chump change and I’m still so broke, my Hebrew name is under Judicial Review. So you take your act on the road to local haunts with your almost 3-year-old baby Chosen Curls while your other 2 kid are in school and sample your material at the local deli, farm and wine shop instead.

Shakespeare says the, “World is your stage.” So don’t let your limited social circumstances dictate when you can practice and perform your elevator pitch, commercial audition lines or new jokes fresh off the press, aren’t you blessed, on the world at large.

The Internet is a giant open mike to test out your ideas. After the birth of my 1st daughter, I developed my storytelling ability using Yelp, calling myself Michael the Emotor Kornbluth for a reason. Because being just another whiny, critic, would’ve made me just another ordinary, gun shy, non-creative, unwilling to create something for the world of lasting value to be criticized or celebrated, but something special enough to be put into the world, you thought would be deprived without.

Since I’ve become a father of 3 and went into business for myself, hellbent on becoming a best selling book author and stay at home comedian with a CD flush with my greatest hits from my Do It All Dad Year Podcast, my 3 pitch perfect kids, have been the audience I’ve had the most experience impressing with my comedic mojo on the rise and I wouldn’t have it any other way, because they’ve gotten to see Dad kill outside the house at Stop and Shop, or in a diner in Vermont on summer vacation, the green state, more like CBD Oil only, without fail, proving, Do It All Dad is bound for comedic glory. Refusing to wallow in pity, for not being a big time earner from becoming such a monster punchline machine yet.

Still, my 3 kids see the joy I derive and give from killing complete strangers by yanking out laughs long time, out in the real world, not hiding behind some computer screen or within the snuggle safe spaces confines of some anonymous message board at home.

My kids know what makes me feel alive so well, my daughter will say, “Daddy, we love it when you kill at the deli, but no jokes this time because I’m starving to death. And you tend to get carried away and slow the flow of commerce there, especially at TD Bank. Can I borrow your phone and give you the light next time you go over your grace period allowed for new jokes at places of business as usual, so you don’t get banished from the Comedy Cellar again for going over your allotted time by 5 hours again?”

My main parenting philosophy is raise leaders instead of followers, creators instead of critics, doers instead of talkers, culture makers instead of passive, cloud surfing consumers. The best way to ensure this dynamic is to show your children how nothing beats self-determination and your resolution to succeed on your terms, not defined by your quota issuing parasitical Recruitment Manager at Robert Half. Because true joy, emanates from doing what you’re passionate about, and that’s getting laughs for me, intentional or not. They say. But dude, they were laughing at you, not with you. Yeah, I think I’d know the difference asshole. But I appreciate your feeble attempt at tripping up my surging Mojo again dude. I’ve very fond of the word MOJO obviously and you wonder why I named my son Arthur Morrison Kornbluth. I considered Brooks as a middle name after Albert Brooks, but I didn’t want to give my son the permission to be a Jewish pussy either.

Killing with audiences at TD Bank or on stage in front of a smattering of starter comics at the Eastville Comedy Club screams touchdown. You do your best to ride the wave of laughter, from producing more roof raising laughs next, again and again, because laughs are the wind beneath a comedian’s wings, who makes no conquest feel out of sight, making you feel a tad tougher, funnier and more hardcore than the rest. Who triple downed on your unique brand of you, so you can buy a dream upgrade home in Ridgefield, CT and build your field of dreams in the form of a NY flavored, Larry Bird, inspired, basketball court, in your backyard because you’ve got 4 acres to spare. Never wanting your kids to ever leave home and have the party come to our house. And have their friends sleep outside among the stars, excluding Do It All Dad, because he finally can afford a king size bed inside to bang out another killer addition to the Kornbluth family. Because pure joy for me are new child additions to our family, knowing they’ve all become automatic fans of me because I make them feel like the center of my universe, instead of the reverse. And when I say I love you to my kids, it doesn’t sound manufactured hoarse or forced like I’m trying to salvage a loveless relationship to avoid a divorce.

Michael Kornbluth

Use Your Kids Like Open Mikes

God gave men kids to provide social variety away from mama. So don’t be a lazy brain and half ass your attempt at winning your kid’s hearts with watching more Man City on the Teli around your kids or grandchildren because you’re such an informed, evolved history buff, especially when your kids are hard core American Dad Enthusiasts, if Child Services forced them to take a lie detector test, after Do It All Dad in Divorce Court, insists on fighting for 50 percent custody, after proclaiming in court defending himself like Lenny Bruce without the career, proclaiming, “American Dad is educational. How else will my children know W, married a librarian from Texas, who married into the Illuminati. Who still acts better than other first ladies like Melania or Hillary Hammer Time Cankles? At least Hillary tried to get rich or die trying bitch.

I read an article on Fatherly.com claiming Dads, normally not too involved, during their marriage, become more involved Dads with their kids after they get divorced because the wife is no longer facilitating the conversation at the dinner table. Personally, I’ve never had this problem, because I’m the loudmouth New Yorker, not her, who’s louder than Busta Rhymes at a midnight showing of Higher Learning. The Yankees win a playoff game last year. The next morning, I tell my daughter, “The Yankees won. ” She replies, “I heard.” You’re the reason New York City and all of Northern Westchester never sleeps. I’ll always cherish my sleepy father in law’s embrace my bombastic, ultra-chatty personality during my 1st sit down dinner with my girlfriend, now wife and a married couple I haven’t seen since. Halfway into me scoring a steady stream of laugh yanks from this married couple, my father in law blurts with annoyed disgust, “He talks more than the other one.” Meaning, the borderline mute finance my wife was planned to marry before we met, which I was never aware of till way after the fact for what’s worth. I don’t want prospective employers to think I’m a Mute Man Marriage Wrecker. “He talks more than the other one.” Translation, I live in Delaware away from Jew York for a reason. Give me an H1-B developer to conduct code review with, who needs subtitles in order to be understood, over having to spend one more sec around the charming New York Jew, whose making my lack of stage presence in comparison, become more pronounced depressing by the second. So much for my one meeting with my mental health specialist, resolving any latent anger resentment issues remaining.

The reality is, if I wasn’t a talker, none of my kids would’ve have recognized my voice out of the womb, and that would’ve been tragic for my children, when even mommy, admits the following about our lucky number three, “Baby Samuel gets bored when he spends too much time with me. ” Always knew the kid was the quick leaner. Can I get a holla for a big time raise the roof, the best is yet come, Challah? First time I came up with that expression to use on my Do It All Dad Year Podcast, my wife, huffs with extreme displeasure at the dinner table, insisting I was being 2 years into open mike stand-up comedy obscure, by trying to dumb dad shame me in front our 3 kids, stating, “What does that even mean? Can I get a holla for some Challah? It means can I get some props for a money, mo bread making line, babe.” My 3 kids didn’t have to understand the symbolic or literal extrapolated definition of my new rock-solid gold A Plus catchphrase in the making, because kids respond more to pumped up silly, than jaded, lifeless, droll troll verbosity.

One time, I gave my son a gentle hip toss on top of our bed, forgetting Art Show possess a bouncy ball spine, which sent Feather Foot flying off the bed inches away from smashing his head into the dresser from the sheer powerful bounce off the bed. Earlier tonight, he came into say hello when I was writing and I asked him he he wanted an elevator lift drop, but before lifting him up high , I give a voice to his own internal thoughts and say, “Daddy, don’t get carried away, with your elevator lift drop, I still have a bouncy ball stuck in my spine remember?” And my pitch perfect son laughs long time again. But if I wasn’t constantly talking around my son inside the womb and out, or using humor to help diffuse potentially traumatic, accidental dramatic situations, my children would suffer from anxiety like Kevin Love, despite him being NBA royalty, banging everything that moved at UCLA I’m assuming, owning an NBA ring, and never shamed for forgetting Lebron’s elaborate, inner sanctum, safe space, frat boy conjuring hand slap dances on the TNT.

Do you need to be a laugh hog in order to be a good parent? No, but you better recognize the importance of bringing the funny old man, or else, your kids will tune into mama, like the dronish, Scarlett Johansson in the movie Divorced, and she never struck me as a lightening rod of electric conversational might, AI, enhanced in her, in Her or if she’s the beneficiary of a Woody Allen punched up personality during his Scarlet Johansson phase or not. What was Woody’s new film supposed to be about again? Let me guess, some old creep who bangs a teenager again, called, Crimes and Misdemeanors, the Early Years. He took Kodak pictures of Sun Yee, only to stuff them in his top sock drawer, for safe keeping. The only thing missing was an old copy of Sun Yee on the cover of Time Life Magazine.

Does Soon Yee even have vocal cords? So, what’s my point? Boring kids is bad parenting. And F empathy, just be funnier old man. Your kids or grandkids fading interest in your company depends on it. Use your kids as open mikes, take creative chances, add levity to the situation instead of freaking out in disproportion to your kid spilling a drink at the dinner table. In Iran, they throw gays off roof tops after castration, so I’d say, we let our kid’s off light because the Media will be freaking out regardless anyway. Because our kids learn to laugh at our mistakes, in addition to American comedy exceptionalism, not on Al Jazeera or detected on Late Night with Stephen Colbert these days, whose command of funny these days, is like the state of our union, shaky.

I don’t want to be best supporting dad. That’s like winning best side bitch. Dads today are expected to do more than just get their wives pregnant every other 2 years, planned or not. So, try bossing through clowning around your kids more. It works, and don’t overuse your yelling voice or your kid won’t be able to distinguish you from CNN. Act like you’re genuinely excited to make your children happy, relying own your personality and imagination, instead of outsourcing their children’s entertainment to Baby Yoda and the mope maligned, Millennial Mouseketeer Darth Vader, the most petulant, annoying, grandson addition to an ex iconic franchise, I could give to BB 8 shits about.

Boring kids is bad parenting. You act like you want nothing to do with your only divorced daughter. You want to act like date night every Friday night is so much important than making sure she’s dealing with her new half baby brother, removing any remaining spotlight in her honor away from her, with your new wife, fine. No wonder I can feel the embedded jealousy, as I lift my son for an ariel double decker knee nosh sandwich for the road.

Social Justice is Dad proving he’s got the tools necessary to outshine scary mommy on the big stage, if he cares about about being more than mama’s side bitch underling forever. I’m very proud of raising kids who respect and recognize funny. There’s actual hope Do It All Dad Nation, for you to reclaim your status as the leading in-house star attraction of your house. It’s our last safe space for politically incorrect humor. Be a family man clown hero for your kids. Do you want your best friend to be the final speaker for your eulogy? I’d rather have my 1st born daughter, close the ceremony and own the room and start with, “Thanks for the laughs Daddy. Good luck trying to tune out my Dad out now God. You thought Joan Rivers sounds like a loudmouth on the rag. I just hope daddy opens with proven material and doesn’t wing it, unless he wants the challenge of coming back to life after dying the moment, he broke on through to the other side, where only the lady laugh lover clowns roam.”

Use Your Kids like Open Mikes

God gave men kids to provide social variety away from mama. So don’t be a lazy brain and half ass your attempt at winning your kid’s hearts with watching more Man City on the Teli around your kids or grandchildren because you’re such an informed, evolved history buff, especially when your kids are hard core American Dad Enthusiasts, if Child Services forced them to take a lie detector test, after Do It All Dad in Divorce Court, insists on fighting for 50 percent custody, after proclaiming in court defending himself like Lenny Bruce without the career, proclaiming, “American Dad is educational. How else will my children know W, married a librarian from Texas, who married into the Illuminati. Who still acts better than other first ladies like Melania or Hillary Hammer Time Cankles? At least Hillary tried to get rich or die trying bitch.

I read an article on Fatherly.com claiming Dads, normally not too involved, during their marriage, become more involved Dads with their kids after they get divorced because the wife is no longer facilitating the conversation at the dinner table. Personally, I’ve never had this problem, because I’m the loudmouth New Yorker, not her, who’s louder than Busta Rhymes at a midnight showing of Higher Learning. The Yankees win a playoff game last year. The next morning, I tell my daughter, “The Yankees won. ” She replies, “I heard.” You’re the reason New York City and all of Northern Westchester never sleeps. I’ll always cherish my sleepy father in law’s embrace my bombastic, ultra-chatty personality during my 1st sit down dinner with my girlfriend, now wife and a married couple I haven’t seen since. Halfway into me scoring a steady stream of laugh yanks from this married couple, my father in law blurts with annoyed disgust, “He talks more than the other one.” Meaning, the borderline mute finance my wife was planned to marry before we met, which I was never aware of till way after the fact for what’s worth. I don’t want prospective employers to think I’m a Mute Man Marriage Wrecker. “He talks more than the other one.” Translation, I live in Delaware away from Jew York for a reason. Give me an H1-B developer to conduct code review with, who needs subtitles in order to be understood, over having to spend one more sec around the charming New York Jew, whose making my lack of stage presence in comparison, become more pronounced depressing by the second. So much for my one meeting with my mental health specialist, resolving any latent anger resentment issues remaining.

The reality is, if I wasn’t a talker, none of my kids would’ve have recognized my voice out of the womb, and that would’ve been tragic for my children, when even mommy, admits the following about our lucky number three, “Baby Samuel gets bored when he spends too much time with me. ” Always knew the kid was the quick leaner. Can I get a holla for a big time raise the roof, the best is yet come, Challah? First time I came up with that expression to use on my Do It All Dad Year Podcast, my wife, huffs with extreme displeasure at the dinner table, insisting I was being 2 years into open mike stand-up comedy obscure, by trying to dumb dad shame me in front our 3 kids, stating, “What does that even mean? Can I get a holla for some Challah? It means can I get some props for a money, mo bread making line, babe.” My 3 kids didn’t have to understand the symbolic or literal extrapolated definition of my new rock-solid gold A Plus catchphrase in the making, because kids respond more to pumped up silly, than jaded, lifeless, droll troll verbosity.

One time, I gave my son a gentle hip toss on top of our bed, forgetting Art Show possess a bouncy ball spine, which sent Feather Foot flying off the bed inches away from smashing his head into the dresser from the sheer powerful bounce off the bed. Earlier tonight, he came into say hello when I was writing and I asked him he he wanted an elevator lift drop, but before lifting him up high , I give a voice to his own internal thoughts and say, “Daddy, don’t get carried away, with your elevator lift drop, I still have a bouncy ball stuck in my spine remember?” And my pitch perfect son laughs long time again. But if I wasn’t constantly talking around my son inside the womb and out, or using humor to help diffuse potentially traumatic, accidental dramatic situations, my children would suffer from anxiety like Kevin Love, despite him being NBA royalty, banging everything that moved at UCLA I’m assuming, owning an NBA ring, and never shamed for forgetting Lebron’s elaborate, inner sanctum, safe space, frat boy conjuring hand slap dances on the TNT.

Do you need to be a laugh hog in order to be a good parent? No, but you better recognize the importance of bringing the funny old man, or else, your kids will tune into mama, like the dronish, Scarlett Johansson in the movie Divorced, and she never struck me as a lightening rod of electric conversational might, AI, enhanced in her, in Her or if she’s the beneficiary of a Woody Allen punched up personality during his Scarlet Johansson phase or not. What was Woody’s new film supposed to be about again? Let me guess, some old creep who bangs a teenager again, called, Crimes and Misdemeanors, the Early Years. He took Kodak pictures of Sun Yee, only to stuff them in his top sock drawer, for safe keeping. The only thing missing was an old copy of Sun Yee on the cover of Time Life Magazine.

Does Soon Yee even have vocal cords? So, what’s my point? Boring kids is bad parenting. And F empathy, just be funnier old man. Your kids or grandkids fading interest in your company depends on it. Use your kids as open mikes, take creative chances, add levity to the situation instead of freaking out in disproportion to your kid spilling a drink at the dinner table. In Iran, they throw gays off roof tops after castration, so I’d say, we let our kid’s off light because the Media will be freaking out regardless anyway. Because our kids learn to laugh at our mistakes, in addition to American comedy exceptionalism, not on Al Jazeera or detected on Late Night with Stephen Colbert these days, whose command of funny these days, is like the state of our union, shaky.

I don’t want to be best supporting dad. That’s like winning best side bitch. Dads today are expected to do more than just get their wives pregnant every other 2 years, planned or not. So, try bossing through clowning around your kids more. It works, and don’t overuse your yelling voice or your kid won’t be able to distinguish you from CNN. Act like you’re genuinely excited to make your children happy, relying own your personality and imagination, instead of outsourcing their children’s entertainment to Baby Yoda and the mope maligned, Millennial Mouseketeer Darth Vader, the most petulant, annoying, grandson addition to an ex iconic franchise, I could give to BB 8 shits about.

Boring kids is bad parenting. You act like you want nothing to do with your only divorced daughter. You want to act like date night every Friday night is so much important than making sure she’s dealing with her new half baby brother, removing any remaining spotlight in her honor away from her, with your new wife, fine. No wonder I can feel the embedded jealousy, as I lift my son for an ariel double decker knee nosh sandwich for the road.

Social Justice is Dad proving he’s got the tools necessary to outshine scary mommy on the big stage, if he cares about about being more than mama’s side bitch underling forever. I’m very proud of raising kids who respect and recognize funny. There’s actual hope Do It All Dad Nation, for you to reclaim your status as the leading in-house star attraction of your house. It’s our last safe space for politically incorrect humor. Be a family man clown hero for your kids. Do you want your best friend to be the final speaker for your eulogy? I’d rather have my 1st born daughter, close the ceremony and own the room and start with, “Thanks for the laughs Daddy. Good luck trying to tune out my Dad out now God. You thought Joan Rivers sounds like a loudmouth on the rag. I just hope daddy opens with proven material and doesn’t wing it, unless he wants the challenge of coming back to life after dying the moment, he broke on through to the other side, where only the lady laugh lover clowns roam.”

Michael Kornbluth

You’re Funnier Than Your Kid’s Kindle

My 2-year-old daughter bites my wife’s nipple hard. Then, my wife engages in a lengthy wind up that feels like 10 Mississippi, before giving our daughter, a gentle yet firm enough slap on the cheek, to ensure she never dares to chomp off her nipple again with such booby milk ravished fury. It worked, my wind-up slap on her younger brother’s bum once because he was ranting and raving about going to day care for Pre-K after he hits his baby brother away for trying to console him, didn’t. Maybe, I’m just making up the part about his baby brother trying to console him, so Child Services doesn’t come knocking on my door before I complete this post. Regardless, the cold wall of isolation erected between my 4- year-old son, during our car ride to Pre-K that day, chilled to me the core, especially after my pitch perfect boy, proclaims, “I’m never talking to you ever again.” My future happiness started to escape me like the leaf in American Beauty. Then, my old school Improv acting skills, honed from UCB and Second City 101 kicked into high gear, after the sensation of repelling the room’s interest in caring about whether I’m funny for one more second, before I started to hit my own bum while driving my son to Pre-K school. I blurt, “Hey, Arthur, next time I get angry, I’ll start hitting my own bum.” At this point, I’m hitting my bum with real menacing fury and I won my son’s love back. Thank God, so it’s not too late for you either.

Here are some other pearls of comedic wisdom to control your kids better with comedy. You’re welcome.

Comedy Control Rules

Do Mad Libs because you invent new expressions like dead weight conversationalists to describe Turtle from Entourage next time, he opens his trimmed mouth about the perpetually cursed Knicks on First Take.

15 words to encapsulate my story about how controlling our kids with comedy can make our kids great again.

Relaxed, loose, tingly, silly, high, bombastic, hilarious, alive, excitement, pride, respect, electric, love, God, family, blood, bonding, laughter.

Darker the Better

Read your kids Shel Silverstein poems plenty and they won’t become such easily triggered, nervous wrecks at the sight of a MAGA hat, I promise you.

Other Comedy Control Rules

Kids like it your when you urge them to stop trying to smash your family jewels into Fuji Dust.

Baby loves it when I play Baby Back Harmonia Rib on his rib, because it makes him laugh out loud, with spastic delight long time.

Use nicknames to cultivate a culture of fun at home without any malicious, self-esteem hindering overtones like Waste of Height.

Own the Kiddy Table and make up silly words when you can. Dr. Seuss peaked early. You don’t have to.

God loveth a cheerful giver, who hits their kids with over the top act out buffoonery. Mimicking their ridiculous behavior works like a charm every time as a reflection of how cray, cray, they’re behaving, works like a charm every time.

Never Underestimate the Laugh Power of Surprise

Falling putzy apple tree, two, no four, no infinity times three. Before dropping your head into your kid’s midsection will yank laughs out long time.

You’re funnier than your kids Kindle, start acting like it.

At home with our kids, prize funny over money.

And always remember, funnier Dad, happier baby. You want a photo off old man? I didn’t think so.

Michael Kornbluth

Funnier Dad, Happier Baby

My 2-year-old daughter bites my wife’s nipple hard. Then, my wife engages in a lengthy wind up that feels like 10 Mississippi, before giving our daughter, a gentle yet firm enough slap on the cheek, to ensure she never dares to chomp off her nipple again with such booby milk ravished fury. It worked, my wind-up slap on her younger brother’s bum once because he was ranting and raving about going to day care for Pre-K after he hits his baby brother away for trying to console him, didn’t. Maybe, I’m just making up the part about his baby brother trying to console him, so Child Services doesn’t come knocking on my door before I complete this post. Regardless, the cold wall of isolation erected between my 4- year-old son, during our car ride to Pre-K that day, chilled to me the core, especially after my pitch perfect boy, proclaims, “I’m never talking to you ever again.” My future happiness started to escape me like the leaf in American Beauty. Then, my old school Improv acting skills, honed from UCB and Second City 101 kicked into high gear, after the sensation of repelling the room’s interest in caring about whether I’m funny for one more second, before I started to hit my own bum while driving my son. Pre-K school. I blurt, “Hey, Arthur, next, time I get angry, I’ll start hitting my own bum. At this point, I’m hitting my bum with real menacing fury and I won my son’s love back. Thank God, so it’s not too late for you either.

Here are some other pearls of comedic wisdom to control your kids better with comedy. You’re welcome.

Comedy Control Rules

 

Do Mad Libs because you invent new expressions like dead weight conversationalists to describe Turtle from Entourage next time, he opens his trimmed mouth about the perpetually cursed Knicks on First Take.

 

15 words to encapsulate my story about how controlling our kids with comedy can make our kids great again.

Relaxed, loose, tingly, silly, high, bombastic, hilarious, alive, excitement, pride, respect, electric, love, God, family, blood, bonding, laughter.

 

Darker the Better

Read your kids Shel Silverstein poems plenty and they won’t become such easily triggered, nervous wrecks at the sight of MAGA hat, I promise you.

 

Other Comedy Control Rules

Kids like it your when you urge them to stop trying to smash your family Jewels into Fuji Dust.

Baby loves it when I play Baby Back Harmonia Rib on his rib, because it makes him laugh out loud, with spastic delight long time.

Use nicknames to cultivate a culture of fun at home without any malicious, self-esteem hindering overtones like waste of height.

 

Own the Kiddy Table and make up silly words when you can. Dr. Seuss peaked early. You don’t have to.

 

God loveth a cheerful giver, who hits their kids with over the top act buffoonery, mimicking their ridiculous behavior works like a charm every time.

 

Never Underestimate the Laugh Power of Surprise

Falling putzy apple tree, two, no four, no infinity times three. Before dropping your head into your kid’s midsection will yank laughs out long time.

 

You’re funnier than your kids Kindle, start acting like it.

 

 

At home with our kids prize Funny Over Money.

 

And always remember, funnier Dad, happier baby. You want a photo off old man? I didn’t think so.

 

Michael Kornbluth

Do It All Dad Talk

Children are for family upgrades.

God only gives unplanned kids, to only the lonely. And this funny man giant is lonely no more.

Funnier Dad, happier baby. You want a photo off old man?

My daughter Singing Rose is the best bud Sarah Silverman never had. After taking one bite into Do It All Dad’s home made Burrata bomb pizza made with cherry roasted tomatoes from our garden, she says in the kindest, most heaven sent tone imaginable, “Daddy, I know you really want to be comedian but can’t you be a pizza maker in Heaven instead?”

Controlling our kids with comedy can make our kids great again. My 3 fuss free kids the majority of the time, are living proof of it.

My 1st son Art Show USA, already passed his class clown test before entering Kindergarten, yelling at our hard to hear voice powered speaker Assistant with extreme disgust, “Cortana, throw yourself out the window already.”

My son Chosen Curls was bound to woo. Random grandmothers at the Stop and Shop insist he’ll have 3 girlfriends to juggle when he get’s older. My reply? If James Woods had this kid’s face, your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.

Having a 3rd kid shows who passes the friendship litmus test or not.

Generous pours of love in the form of nice bourbon to usher in the birth of your lucky number three is one to savor and cherish because it acknowledges the fact how nothing beats a newborn dad kind of love.

Becoming a Do It All Dad doesn’t mean your childless younger brother will become less serially selfish. Who still makes Hunter Biden feel like an underachiever.

GenX parents understand Baby Boomer arrogance never dies.

Breast feeding is responsible for my 3 kids angelic complexions. Daycare kids are pasty, all looking like they took a load to the face with an Elmer’s Glue Gun.

Grandparent bad manners, is them missing out on the best of your kids, while waiting at home for more breaking news on blue balls Mueller reports and fake news impeachment witch hunts with less legs than Lieutenant Dan.

Kids are human sponges of emotion. If you feel enraged at your wife for treating you like a starless, over the hill, neutered hipster dad, they get upset but not in an understated, passive aggressive, ironic detached way.

If Do It All Dad feels extreme joy for getting his debut album Resist This on I-Tunes, his 3 kids take your post giddyness higher, by quoting your own material, hollering in pitch perfect unison, “Can I get a holla, for some Challah?

God didn’t give me 3 kids to have a panic attack over it. Obviously, God never had the same confidence in Pete Davidson, the rebound boy toy king of Generation Z.

Facebook has made out of state Baby Boomers comfortably numb as virtual grandparents from afar.

You don’t need to spend a mini fortune on personal trainers when you have children. I’ll say to my daughter, “Matilda, daddy hasn’t had a beer in 9 days.” Her reply? Real impressive Dada, you’ve never even made it to double digits.” Or I’ll say to my son, “Dada didn’t run on the treadmill because I strained my calf muscle on it again. His response, “Enough with the excuses Dada. You’re worse than Hillary.”

Why are my kids so behaved in public? I don’t stand down and let them run wild like ANTIFA for starters.

Making your kids understand being an asshole to their siblings is unacceptable behavior, which won’t go unpunished, highlights when they’ve crossed line from harmless rambunctious jostling, to hurtful, physically assaultive, over the top prickishness.

One must remember kids repeat curse words you emphasize to point out bad behavior to be discouraged. So use funnier alternatives than asshole like Tuchus Hole or my new personal favorite anus hole, just so you can hear your lucky number 3, about to become 3 next month, repeat after Do It All Dad, “Don’t be an anus hole, Dada.”

Michael Kornbluth

The Never Ending Hug

Dada, I never want this hug to end. No offense to mama, but your wedding anniversary celebrates the birth of our family together to. Sure, I was still in mama’s super snug womb at the time. And mama was barely showing at the wedding. And I wasn’t born for another six months but still.

I never want this hug to end. I can’t imagine such a snuggly, fun filled life without you in it Dada. I know we don’t have a normal family with you being an unemployed stay at home comedian and host of the Do It All Dad Year Podcast. And I know I give you grief about having a sharing banked account with mommy because you don’t make money anymore. But I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know your comedy train is bound for Benjamin producing glory Dada. Especially, if you start having me do more on your Do It All Dad Year Podcast than just intros for it. Can I get a hallah for some Challah? Funnier dad, happier, babies. I’m living proof of it.

I never want this hug to end Dada. Don’t mind mama. She’s got baby Samuel, Instagram and Arthur to entertain her. Plus, I know she’s not complaining about that super spicy Zin you got for your eight year wedding anniversary. I can’t wait to try a sip. Old Vine Zins are only made in America like Canadian comic millionaires like Rick Moranis, right Dada?

I never want this hug to end Dada. I know your new friend resolution is to find an editor to become the best friend you never had besides me of course. So he can become your most vocal backer, reign in your super intense, outrageous personality and make sure your humor book about modern fatherhood as an Unemployed Comedian/Father of 3 becomes a best seller Dada. If it sells, it’s art. I remember Dada. Can I sell our family drawings at your books signings at the Barnes and Noble in Union Square? I’ll use plenty of magenta and purple haze in honor of Jimi to make sure our family pic really pop like the left handed genius at Monterey.

I never want this hug to end Dada. You already call me eight foot 2. Insisting I put on undies the sec I get out of the tub. So the Chinese Underworld has less to see. You say I’m going to outgrow wanting to hang out with you every sec before I know it. And no longer give you unexpected pecs on your cheek in your writing office, my future room next year by the way in case you forgot already. A deal is a deal Dada.

So keep on banging out chapters and more jokes for The Stay At Home Comedian, Dada. I know you’re going to make it a comedic masterpiece. I hear your train coming daddy. And pretty soon you’re going to buy this town. And you’re going to buy this town. And you’ll put it all in your funny man clown shoes. That’s what you’re going to do. That’s what’s you’re going do. Happy 8th Wedding Anniversary Dada. But make sure mama doesn’t polish off the Zin so fast and hook up your better half already.

Michael Kornbluth