Jared Kushner’s Smart

Netanyahu inviting the new Ukrainian Comedian President to Israel.
Trump armed the Ukraine, so you’re cool in my book. Got any good Huma Licker jokes for me? Jackie Mason is beginning to sound a tad repetitive for my taste.

My favorite Russian ads on Facebook about Hillary.
Bernie is a fake news communist.
Fuck that disbarred bitch.
Chelsea isn’t ugly anymore.
Lolita Express Equals Rape Plane
Seth Rich and Julian Assange Rule

How did Russia help Trump get elected again? Did a hologram of Drago appear in previous blue state voting booths in PA demanding, vote Trump or I’ll break you? Resist this absurdist pointed joke losers.

Jared Kushner on soon to be released Middle East Peace Plan.
The Palestians will charge America of apartheid supported collusion.

Jared Kushner on Jamal Khashoggi’s death.
The Saudi’s aren’t into Muslim Brotherhood propagandists. I sold them Tomahawk Missiles. They’re guided by a new prince. He knows being held hostage by radical jihadists bile is bad for business.

Jared Kushner on Jamal Khashoggi’s death.
What do you want from me? Unlike Jim Acosta, his press credentials are revoked permanently. The Saudi’s aren’t too fond of the Washington Compost. Mark Levin wrote that for me.

 
Jared Kushner on soon to be released Middle East Peace Plan.
The Palestians will withhold their call to refrain from violence in less time than it takes me to burst with Ivanka in sheer talking dirty to me in Mandarin.

Closed door meeting between Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey and President Trump.
Jack, can I call you jack? You only exist because of me. Fuck Milo. Nobody misses his tweets. Without me, Twitter is dead. And journalists lose all reason for living.

Closed door meeting between Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey and President Trump continued.
Is your friend Fake News Fro Collin Kaepernick enjoying the largest unemployment check cut ever recorded? Just curious dude. Do you ever trim that thing?

Bill Deblasio fighting climate change.
No more glass skyscrapers. They contribute more to global warming than team AOC’s clambaking sessions in her entourage of SUV’s from the boogie down Bronx to her dealers more gentrified brownstone hoods in Park Slope.

New York Times apologizing to it’s readers when Trump wins all 50 states in 2020. It was a nice run while it lasted. The National Inquirer is still standing. Tabloid journalism needed an elitist powerhouse to take over it.
Democrats calling on Republicans to impeach Trump is an Eastern Worshiper Hail Mary of the most deplorable, desperate, laughable order. Be more of a transparent sore loser twat, Twitter.
Memo to Governor Cuomo.
Biden has the best shot to beat Trump.
Is Don Jr. banging Eric Trump’s made up widow?
Is Trump inhaling Kellyanne Conway’s hair with camera’s blaring to ensure she’s washed the stench of porkie George out of her hair?

 

Florida felons love Trump. Trump was gangsta before he killed off the Bush Dynasty, ushered in prison reform & pardoned Jack Johnson. Gang banger reformer Jim Brown got his back. Felons wouldn’t fuck Uni Brow Maddow with Michelle’s dick.

Bernie Sanders want to give voting rights to the Boston Bomber.
What about Seth Rich Bernie? He’s more alive than that POS inside. Stay morally strong smear breath.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE
Kid
Build the Wall.
Trump
It’s happening kid.
Kid
Well, Ann Coulter isn’t over her blue balls yet. So get cracking.

INT. DENTIST OFFICE
Friends plays.
Stay At Home Comedian
My favorite bottled water is Smart Water. It adds an extra bounce to my step.
When I drink it, I feel like Jennifer Aniston on the rebound.

Hygienist laughs long time.

INT. HOME
Wife
I tried to tell you about buying these rugs.
You can clean our new rug in the wash.
Stay At Home Comedian
Stop talking. Because of you I want to roll up something earlier than usual.

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

Fuck The Apollo

My daughter summarizing every fight I’ve ever had with my wife. Stop talking Dada. Mama got your point midbreath. Can you believe my daughter’s 2nd grade teacher says she has a hard time summarizing things?

INT. BARBERSHOP
Stay At Home Comedian
I loved the NBA when it didn’t exist as a safe space for Lebron’s James sprained ego.

Barber laughs longtime.

This is Ziggy Marely being interviewed by High Times on 420. Ziggy, your father had 12 kids. But I thought weed drained your ball sack dry. Fake news man.

My resistor mother.
I like the picture with the 3 kids by the reflector pool. And of course the one with you and the 3 kids. The picture was in front of the White House. She can’t even utter the White House in the same breath as her grandchildren.

I’ve reached the conclusion. I’m not a black out Alcoholic. But more of a mindful lush who understands his limitations and total lack of control if a bottle of bourbon in my presence at home after nightfall. So I don’t bring it home.

EXT. SOUTH STREET
Friend
The economy would crash without illegals.
Stay At Home Comedian
But they don’t pay taxes and send all their cash back to Mexico through Western Union. And lawnmower man isn’t racking up VR startup money either.

EXT. SOUTH STREET
Friend
Do you believe in the Alt Right?
Stay At Home Comedian
It’s a made up term, designed to silence truth talkers like Islamophobia, ANTIFA branding themselves as the anti-fascist party. The alleged leader Milo, blows black dudes, dude.

How does a Seagram heiress get involved in an upstate sex cult? I thought the Podesta brothers preferred their kiddie pool parties by the swamp. Did she own pedo artwork depicting kids with gags to make Marilyn Manson blush?

Yenta on MetroNorth failing at telling her friends how much she hates NYC during the summer.
At least in Florida, I don’t have to wear black to work. So on my way to the beach I might get lost in a sea of #MAGA hats, no big deal.

 

INT. IRISH BAR-D.C
High School Associate
Even if you bomb at the Apollo, it still takes balls.
Stay At Home Comedian
Once an asshole, always an asshole. You can’t help yourself, obviously.

LavarBall as my coach dad growing up would make sure I got to 1st base before my younger brother did. He’d only invite stuck up Jenny from the block for a game of spin the bottle. 2 secs in, he barks. The Yoohoo bottle, doesn’t spin itself bitch.

I love Trump’s relentless optimism. If he was diagnosed with HIV today. He’d tweet tomorrow morning. Do I have HIV? Yes, but my T-Cell count numbers have never been stronger. I’ve created the perfect non partisan joke I know.

Describing my endless wait for auditioning at the Apollo.
Security, Amateur night organizer workers made me feel less welcome than any designated fish ball allocation from my mother in law for myself for Easter or my Passover either.

INT. Apollo
Apollo Security
I didn’t ask you that.
Stay At Home Comedian
You don’t intimidate me after Paul Mooney refused to shake my hand, sorry. Let me guess, you dream of being Steve Harvey’s go to Apollo preshow fluffer.

Describing my endless wait for auditioning at the Apollo.
Security, Amateur, night organizer workers did their best to make me feel less welcome than Obama paying Shiva for a photo op if Netanyahu got iced.

Describing my endless wait for auditioning at the Apollo.
I’ve always hated waiting to perform at open mikes. Not once, have I shied away from putting my name 1st on the sign up list. You’d figure they’d want to heckle me ASAP. No such luck.

Describing my endless wait for auditioning at the Apollo.
I wasn’t nervous or scared despite being the only white boy waiting around for hours with all the other amateur rappers, I think despite no fake gold bling. I walked away.

Describing my endless wait for auditioning at the Apollo.
Definitely, the only white comedian waiting to showcase my 90 seconds of comedy gold. Reading about Justin Beiber in relation Nipsy Hustle on Breitbart sent me off, so I walked away.

Waiting for my audition at the Apollo was torture. I felt more distinguished on my 5th round of same day interviews for an IT recruiter job at Robert Half. At least, at Robert Half I was getting to paid to feel like a glamorized Indentured Servant.

Fuck the Apollo. The place is a dump now. And the only comedian which graced the walls heading upstairs was Moms Mabley. There were no pics of Redd Foxx, Dick Gregory, Cosby’s family friendly sweaters, nothing.

Describing my endless wait for auditioning at the Apollo.
My number is 214. 102 was just called. I’ve already been waiting for 2 hours. My 3 kids are in Delaware with my wife and dead weight conversationalist mother in law. House to myself awaited, I walked away.

My wife not helping her most annoying wife of all time case 1 bit.
Wife calls on speaker with my 3 kids.
Calling you to keep me company for the next 3 hours. Listen to my podcasts to keep yourself company. You’re only 105 behind.

Stoner insight into Grateful Dead Europe 72.
Gonna miss me when I’m gone. Is a tad presumptuous, don’t you think?

At my in-laws in Delaware, Colbert is on as I enter with my wife and 3 kids. I say. Why is Colbert smiling anymore? Trump gutted his funny. There are pictures on the Internet with Colbert acting cozy with Podesta for Christ sake.

At my in-laws in Delaware, Colbert is on as I enter with my wife and 3 kids. I say. If Stephen Colbert was John Stewart funny, I wouldn’t mind the unfunny Trump jokes.

INT. Starbucks
Friend
ANTIFA isn’t a terrorist organization.
Stay At Home Comedian
Tucker Carlson’s wife hid in the closet in a sea of dirty Vineyard Vines boxers as ANTIFA tried to ram through their front door in our nations capital no less.

What type of person desecrates a Buddhist temple? Besides, a reincarnated Jihadist. But Baby Face Omar is the new golden child. I want, the knife to backstab every two faced Jew on the planet.

Post stoner insight into Warrant’s Big Talk.
Big talk is cheap, unless you back it up. And we’re backing it up unless your Elizabeth Warren pushing for impeaching Trump based on charges with less solid footing than her claims to own moccasins of any kind.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Dumping on 30 Rock

Citizens of Flint Michigan received eviction notices for unpaid contaminated water bills. Wow, Flint politicians hate black people more than Michael Moore’s makeover.

New title idea which made me laugh.
Dumping on 30 Rock. The big tree in my yard made me think of it. On top of, Alec Baldwin losing his surging sense of purpose.

Deblasio threatening Trump.
Send us Central America’s finest and will sue.
Machete ban bills weren’t included in the Green Deal.

Sanctuary Cities will welcome all the illegal aliens Trump sends in their direction because MS13 will prevent gays from gentrifying their fixer upper neighborhoods again. Sounds like a smart a revenue model to increase quality of life to me.

I ask my daughter Matilda. What happens in Rocky 4? Apollo dies.

My son slacker shaming me.
Now, that my leg sprain is healed. I want you to call me a slacker if I’m not on the tread mill every morning before you get up. Stop making excuses slacker. You’re worse than Hillary.

Beto looks better than Obama in a speedo on Transgender bathroom bans.
Your girls shouldn’t be scared because Jim identifies as Jimbolina. And Jimbolina is a lady. And ladies don’t leave pee on the seat.

Memo to David Brooks.
Trump represents a moral crisis in this country. Baby Boomer Mom doesn’t know best. Stop making excuses for being a sniveling, scruple free, zero personality hack. You’re worse than Hillary.

The Constitution is at stake in 2020 Denture Breath Pelosi? Is Baby Face Omar pushing to replace it with Sharia Law? Ginsberg is dead, so what radical overhaul do you anticipate exactly? Is we the people, changed to Sean Hannity?

John Hamn gave Kamala Harris a one thousand dollar campaign donation. Is that how much he charges for a pearl necklace?

Michelle Obama says Trump is making our country sick. Wrong, your hired peon Jussie Smollet trying to start a race war under false, orchestrated, paid for pretenses is what’s sick and twisted, sister.

Luke Walton on the phone with dad.
You keep on trucking dad. I need to replace my Grateful Dead tattoo with a Nipsy Hussle one today. If I stand any shot of getting big time free agents to play for me and sign on the dotted line.

INT. PHARMACY
Worker
I went to Amsterdam for Spring Break.
Stay At Home Comedian
The Anne Frank Museum is enormous.
I’ve never seen so much closet space.
I expected a cubby, not a walk in closet.
Joan Rivers was jealous of her fame.

 

INT. DMV
Stay At Home Comedian
Ban ICE because homeland security was so weapons of mass destruction years.

Me being passive aggressive at the DMV after getting hates stares from illegals.
If my Aussie wife had a cousin who wanted a NY drivers license, what form of ID would be required? A social security. I guess poncho is screwed then, huh?

Stoner insight into Kiss.
The song Beth wouldn’t be as depressing if Beth had children to keep her comfy, warm and far less alone. Than touching herself with Ace Frehley’s guitar picks at home.

Calling my dad on his I don’t know what year birthday.
Happy Birthday Dad. How have Mom and Jonathan lit up your world today so far? Let me guess, they fail to capture the majestic sparkle mist from your 3 grandchildren over here.

INT. HOME
Wife
There’s no pink tax on Viagra.
Stay At Home Comedian
Guys aren’t taking Viagra to bang out more babies babe.

For my wedding, I should’ve replaced my no show, whiny Jewish Grandma with a wise black grandma. Post an ad on Craig’s List. Wise black Grandma needed. Tyler Perry impersonators are welcome. Must be comfortable performing in front of a white audience only.

The End

By,

Micahel Kornbluth

Boring In Mandarin

My daughter summing up every fight I ever had with my wife.
Enough Daddy, she got your point, mid-breath.

Fake News Pizza Choking Hazard Scare
Daughter
Daddy, I think baby swallowed a soda cap.
And I can’t enjoy my Sicilian 100% without knowing whether he’s choking to death or not.

Georgetown University apologized for slavery. Apologize over something you had control over like not forcing Allen Iverson to attend summer school and pass Mo Money Management 101 from Do Rags to Riches.

Quit the weed because I couldn’t answer my daughter’s questions quick enough. Daddy, if God created the universe, who created God? God went back in a Time Machine made by Elon Musk? Real convincing dad. Thanks for making an atheist at 4.

Seinfeld auctioned one of his Porsche’s for charity. I hope half the proceeds went to Larry’s kids.

Deblasio married a militant looking black lesbian yet were supposed to believe garlic breath converted her? He eats pizza with a fork and knife. Can you picture Big Bird eating out her bean pie with such sudden sloppy abandon?

INT. APOLLO
Ziggy Marley being interviewed by High Times. Your dad had 12 kids. I thought ganja drained your sack dry. Fake News man.

INT. APOLLO
Lindsey Vonn choked at the Olympics because Tiger told Trump she was “overrated “in the sack. Adding, and I would know from personal experience Don.

INT. APOLLO
I’m a father of 3, I’ve aged well I know.
So has Blair Underwood. So let’s not give props to my white privilege in this sense. Then again, Lebron looks like Halie Selassie keeping his body alive on steroids. You know the real chosen black Jesus.

Not dealing well with learning my son is only in the 50th percentile for height.
If baby Samuel becomes shorter than your English brother, I’ll never forgive you. For your fat Hobbit mom tainting my DNA.

Another reason nobody respects the NY Times anymore.
Felicity Huffman and Lori Louglin played doting mothers. In real life, they are playing far more complex roles. Fake news moralists are as deep as it gets.

Michelle Obama memoir is the best selling one of all time. P.T Barnum’s autobiography outsold the Bible one year. So if Michelle’s book doesn’t sell to more than a billion Muslims. I’m not impressed.

Int. Deli
Stay At Home Comedian
You don’t know who Gregory Hines is, do you?
Older Dude
Do you know who Sammy Davis is?
Stay At Home Comedian
Not as funny in Cannon Ball Run compared to Gregory Hines in History of the World. Got anymore brain busters?

EXT. HARVEST MOON
2 year old son falls hard.
Stay At Home Comedian
Don’t worry, he’s a tough kid.
He used to do extreme wrestling with Terry Funk in Japan back in the day.

Good old boy in a Wrestlemania 2019 shirt & family laughs long time.

INT. HARVEST MOON BAR
Stay At Home Comedian
Have you tried Sammy Hagar’s tequila?
It tastes Van Halen light.
Bartender
That’s a good one.
Stay At Home Comedian
Your laugh said enough already thanks.

EXT. HARVEST MOON FARM
Stay At Home Comedian
Babe, do you think any woman here sporting the bunny ears is an automatic cum guzzler? Also, don’t you feel they’re paganizing the shit out of your lord and savior’s birthday? Just saying.

INT. HARVEST MOON BAR
Son grabs my leg again.
Son
Ice Cream daddy.
Stay At Home Comedian
I got it 5000 years ago kid.
I was refusing to acknowledge the obstacle like they taught me in IT recruiting 101 when hiring managers told me to call HR.

Busting my mom’s balls.
Arthur is getting tall.
You’ve already seen your 2 sons reach their maximum height. I thought reach full blown maturity was a stretch, especially in my younger brother’s case.

INT. CAR
Wife
Do you think we should get a more skinnier yet more durable stroller for DC?
Stay At Home Comedian
Have your mom buy one.
Wife
She’ll be too busy with Easter.
Stay At Home Comedian
But I thought the dog made her more active.

If I was hosting the Oscars, I wouldn’t back at the last sec to downplay my ties to the hip hop gay mafia. If I caught my son playing with dolls. I’d instruct him to wrap up Pecker Wood before knocking boots with Polynesian Barbie.

Remember when it took Hillary Hammer Time Cankles 5 times to get her Metrocard to work? Never losing touch with the working man like Dinero in Bronx Tale. Swipe 5 Huma Licker Breath, utters, Super Predators are looking. You can do it.

420 is Hitler’s birthday. How did Randy Newman never write about song about this? Now, hitting the bong to more Tuff Gong on 420 never felt so wrong.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
Breitbart has ads for Amateur night at the Apollo.
It’s a sign from God.
Wife
It’s Cookies tracking your Internet browser history.
Stay At Home Comedian
But I just go on Breitbart to read more Obama bashing comments.

Beyond awkward moment. My 2 year old blond haired, blue eyed son spraying the hose at our adorable, sweet black girl neighbor passing by our house with her friend. She must think my son is the satanic spawn of Ann Coulter.

Megyn Kelly only wore black face on Halloween to show her appreciation for old school Al Jolson Records.

I wish Lavar Ball was my coach dad. He’d make sure I got to 1st base before my younger brother did. He’d only invite stuck up Jenny from the block for a game of spin the bottle. 2 secs in he yells. The Yahoo bottle doesn’t spin itself bitch.

Trump’s the Anti-Christ? Doesn’t Jesus return to defeat him? Have some faith in the Jesus comeback story people? I googled Anti-Christ. At 1st I thought, that’s what Pig Vomit calls Howard in Private Parts, so he can’t that bad.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
Breitbart has ads for Amateur night at the Apollo.
It’s a sign from God.
Wife
It’s Cookies tracking your Internet browser history.
Stay At Home Comedian
But I’m not reading about poetry slams about Maxine Waters on Breitbart.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
Breitbart has ads for Amateur night at the Apollo.
It’s a sign from God.
Wife
It’s Cookies tracking your Internet browser history.
Stay At Home Comedian
But I always blank on typing in interracial amateur porn.

INT. HOME
Wife
The bouncy ball was an air blocker.
No wife deserves to be huffed at as often as me.
Stay At Home Comedian
Come here babe, I got an air blocker for you.
I’ll be huff free in 5 minutes I promise.

EXT. HARVEST MOON
Daughter
Your editor sounds pretty mouthy Dad.
She can’t talk to you like that.
It’s like talking back to the President.
Stay At Home Comedian
You’re 24/7 untoppable.

Daughter
Daddy, can I get one more sip of Rose.?
Mom
No.
Daughter
But it’s Spring Break.
Stay At Home Comedian.
Sold and hilarious. Ivanka’s daughter would’ve just said something boring in Mandarin.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

I Don’t Work For UBS

Mom letting herself off the hook again.
You’re taking the boys to Manhattan today?
When I saw Bette Midler with dad for Hello Dolly.
You became overwhelmed because Arizona has no condensed, foot traffic to navigate around.

INT. FAO SCHWARTZ -NYC
Stay At Home Comedian
Nice dance display on the piano. I appreciate you highlighting how heavy footed my wife is in comparison. And she’s no blimp either.

INT. MOMA-NYC
Stay At Home Comedian
What did you think of Starry Night Arthur? Yeah, I thought it looked less dreamy in person also. I’ve seen more movement on a half of eighth of mushrooms, lost in my Jim Morrison black light poster.

INT. MOMA-NYC
Stay At Home Comedian
You don’t want know what movie is playing?
Let me guess, another overrated Robert Altman film with endless bores I could give 2 shits about. He directed Popeye and made Robin Williams unfunny.

INT. Joseph Abboud Store-NYC
Worker
Looking for anything in particular?
Stay At Home Comedian
Just exposing my sons to the best threads money has to offer.
After the novelty of white gap shirts wears off from massive shrinkage again.

INT. MOMA-NYC
Stay At Home Comedian
Are you jealous of anything Jackson Pollack ever did Arthur? Yeah, me neither. Ed Harris can make a cold calling realtor compelling.

EXT. MOMA-NYC
Security Guard
The exit for the garden exhibit is to your left.
Stay At Home Comedian
Can’t wait to check out the installation rake on display.
You work at the most overrated museum ever, no offense.

Luke Walton and Lakers have officially decoupled. This is Luke Walton on the phone with dad seconds later. You keep on trucking dad. I need a Nipsey Hussle tattoo today to earn the respect of Generation Z players. My inked out Dead one isn’t getting max free agent players to sign on the dotted line.

INT. PASTA LOVERS-NYC
Stay At Home Comedian
I can’t recall the last time I devoured a penne vodka whole.
Then again, I can’t recall the last time, I gave my wife my adderall to hide, not wanting it again sometime later.

INT. LEGO STORE- MIDTOWN MANHATTAN
Stay At Home Comedian
If I chose to host the Oscars, I wouldn’t back out at the last minute to downplay my ties to the gay hip hop mafia. I don’t work for UBS obviously.

Black Lego Woman Cashier Gal laughs long time.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
During my parent teacher conference, I got turned by Mrs. Castalano for the 1st time.
Daughter
Daddy.
Stay At Home Comedian
She doesn’t normally wear makeup right? Her Sicilian olive oil complexion looked glistening scrumptious all of a sudden. Does she do Soul Cycle to keep her legs in such tip top shape? Plus, her laughing at my jokes and ad libs didn’t hurt either.

Trump downplaying ties to Julian Assange
It’s not my deal. He’s gone off the reservation.
Hannity will never admit wanting to blow him.
Seth Rich, yada, yada, yada.
Just google Tony Podesta art work, alright.
Don’t need Wikileaks for it.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Downplaying 911 Is Actually Happening

I don’t understand why a trans would want to join the military unless they can’t afford a sex change operation or have a rape in the shower not checked off their fantasy bucket list yet.

Lebron James is struggling to fill roles for Space Jam 2. I thought my East Bound and Down spec would secure me a writing fellowship at Warner Brothers but Lebron’s repellent, toxic bitch ass masculinity is 10 times more hilarious to watch unfurl.

Lori Loughlin freaking out over jail.
Hillary walks but not me?
Chelsea is dumb as bricks. She’s not even University of Arizona material because she still looks busted. John Stamos is a pussy hound. Maybe, he can call in a favor to Trump on my behalf.

Memo to Al Sharpton:
Trump is a causing a rise in hate crimes.
And Michelle Obama believes Jussie Smollett is the angelic love child of James Baldwin.

Pope blames the Priest rape epidemic on the 60’s sexual revolution. Name one Christian Rock band who performed at Woodstock? The lead singer of Stryper wasn’t even born yet your holiness.

INT. HOME
Brother
Why don’t you want kids Matilda?
Sister
They’re expensive and you have to give up jobs you love.
Stay At Home Comedian
She’s talking about me giving up on making loser hipsters laugh at Brooklyn open mikes.

Rashida Talib holding an end Muslim ban press conference.
Who doesn’t want more of me? My husband is restricted from answering that question according to Sharia Law.

AG Barr is a pawn of the President. I thought he was your worst nightmare lying Lieu. Stop acting witty like a wannabe John Cho with still funny Jewish resistor comedy writers at your disposal.

Youtube restricted Candace’s Owen’s testimony to Congress on it’s site because she doesn’t sound as southern gospel sassy as Diamond and Silk.
Bust them up good Cruz. And keep the beard. You no longer reek of clam juice as much.

Bernie Sanders touring the Rust Belt.
Triple A is my best friend during winters in Vermont.
Ford being chummy with Hitler doesn’t bother me one bit.
Now, who wants some free healthcare?

Ann Coulter running into Ivanka at Jamba Juice.
What do I get? I’m more indecisive than your hub Jared Kushner at the salad bar at the Bellagio. Double Shot of Wheatgrass please. It does wonders for your bitter laced sense of humor. Not that you have one.

Amazon workers listening to my Alexa conversations.
He still asks for Bruce Springsteen songs so we can’t hate the big headed Jew for being a Trumpian supporter Nazi.

Lebron James at home talking to his wife .
Magic’s gone. The perfect excuse for me to demand a trade.
Wife says. You’re sleeping on the couch tonight Dwight Howard.
Kobe, Magic and Trump watching made you choke away your legacy chump.

Crime Justice Lawyers are so hot right now. It helps when you’re at the top of the Porcupine Puss chain. Good for Kim, some 2 plus years she’s had already. She can change her middle name to prison reform at this point for Christ sake.

Hillary in the woods today.
I told Obama to drone strike Julian Assange’s ass before he got a piece of a torn up Pamela. Lolita Express is the least of our concerns Bill. At least, Chelsea isn’t ugly anymore.

Wife freaking out over me going to Vegas to see Aerosmith in July with an old school LA bud. I don’t trust you. I’m celebrating the release of my book, so try to have a little faith in me. But you don’t want me giving up my friends.

Old school LA bud texts about our trip to Vegas to see Aerosmith.
Bring your big boy pants.
I won’t turn down a neck massage in our private cabana while listening to Permanent Vacation.

The Obama administration didn’t spy on the Trump campaign. They’re were just eavesdropping because Trump sound like he’s the head of 7 families in Mobsters.

Memo to Baby Face Omar
9/11 was “some people did something.”
That’s like saying the war against terror is never ending as long as Muslims keep fucking. It’s sad but true. Acid attacks in England are a flattering look for your people though.

Do It All Dad reads Pauline Kael’s review of Ingmar Bergman’s Magic Flute.
Daddy, this is boring.
It’s good writing.
Warren Beatty banged her once, I think.
She might have done punch up work on Ishtar.

The End

By,

Michael  Kornbluth

Why Aren’t You Working?

Once upon a time there was a stay at home comedian obsessed with creating the killer set except he has to look after his 3 kids and can’t get out to perform his jokes the way he did in Manhattan and at a sexless coffee shop in Park Slope during his early thirties. His old school email address was killerset@gmail.com

Every day, he wrote jokes on Twitter, posted new blogs on WordPress and hosted a podcast when his wife was home to look after their 3 kids.

One day, his wife declares an ultimatum, get a real job or move out.

Because of that stay at home comedian starts applying for white collar recruiter jobs. Which is how he earned a living as a cold calling beast in Manhattan Beach and Westwood, in Southern, California, before falling for fatherhood.

Because of that he scores some interviews but nobody takes him seriously because he’s perceived as an old, washed up, jaded, slacker Gen X never was, despite writing for VH1 twice in the past. But his TV writing break is yesterday’s news and 4 years ago already. Now, the most popular search Stay At Home Comedian appears under on LinkedIn is Homemaker.

Until finally, stay at home comedian gets the hint, he’s no longer wanted in Corporate America because of his pro Trumpian stances on social media in addition to having so many gap years on his resume.

Finally, stay at home comedian decides to embrace what’s he’s become a family man, stay at home comedian author on the rise.  He launches the Do It All Dad Year Podcast, hailing it as dad friendly entertainment for you and me. He changes his email address to doitalldadyear@outlook.com

Stay At Home Comedian decides to write a book of essays on his experience working remote as an unplanned father of 3 because by focusing on the pure, hilarious beauty of his children he minimizes his divisive, asshole persona.  Also, stay at home comedian realizes book authors are fire proof and at this point in his life stay at home comedian has been fired more than a Palestinian Sling Shot.

Deep down, Stay At Home Comedian, more than anything wants to get paid to hang out with his kids because he thinks they’re superior company than most. So he launches, a food history sketch based comedy show with his 3 kids The Pescatarian Comedians, which educates, empowers, enriches and entertains other do it all dads who struggle to find many family friendly venues to enjoy their children with anymore.

Stay At Home Comedian, becomes the face for the remote work revolution. Teaching the world how controlling our kids with comedy can make our kids great again and not such easily triggered douchebags from the sight of a MAGA hat at a Teenage Mutants Ninja throw back birthday party.

After their Bad Boy Soy Boy sketch goes viral. Stay at home dad scores a TV agent, from his self-published book, Falling for Fatherhood, How 3 Kids Got My Act Together. Food Network buys the rights for their family food history comedy sketch show, The Pescatarian Comedians and his new spinoff family meal review show, Double Talk With Chef Samuels get’s picked up my Universal Studios for a 12 episode commitment in the Fall.

Finally, this rags to riches tale proves to Stay At Home Comedian’s kids, there’s no problem your imagination can’t solve. Stay At Home Comedian proves he’s isn’t crazy for going after his new showbiz dream of making American family comedy great again by targeting his blend of observational, situational, historical informed, shishy bitch accentuated comedy to disrespected, belittled, neutered do it all dads today who need it the most today.

 

Why must I tell this story?

I must tell this story because it’s an aspirational, character based story about creating comedy magic with the ones you love to make the happiest. And stay at home comedian is a pretty animated, hilarious character to begin with.

What greater purpose does this story teach?

It teaches the best way for your kids to learn is by setting a strong example. And how it’s never too late in life to change bad habits and with good habits. It also teaches the importance of learning to trust your gut about what feels so right versus what feels so terribly wrong.

How is my story universal?

It’s universal because it teaches the importance of making the best of what’s around like Dave Mathews mumbled in the nineties on Under The Table and Dreaming.

My story is universal because every unplanned parent is thrust with the decision to A) Abandon old dreams, B) Fight to keep them alive or C) Pick a new and improved dream to achieve with your 3 children by your side.

It’s also a universal tale because what man can’t identify with feeling like the world’s most undesirable worker whose not in hot demand at one stage in his career or another, especially when you’re being denied the right to earning a living during the lowest US unemployment rate for the past 50 years. So you create a family comedy empire instead because there’s really funny and Judd Apatow.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Only In America Baby

I love being an American more than being a native New Yorker. And I’m louder than Busta Rhymes at a midnight showing of Higher Learning.  I also got my TV writing break in Manhattan in Times Square in the Viacom building down the street from the old Paramont Theatre where Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis took a giant dump on anything SNL ever produced.

Last year, I tell my daughter 1st thing in the morning. The Yankees won. She replies. I heard. That’s why New York City never sleeps. Being a native New Yorker who was in LA when 911 happened. Who later wrote a pilot about a TSA star, heavy set agent from Ethiopia who becomes the new face of homeland security because homeland security was so weapons of mass destruction years. I firmly believe we’re not the racist a country knowing what a melting pot New York city is and how I’ve consistently been able to bond with taxi drivers from all over the universe through humor.

 

I love my grand old USA, land of the free and home of John Coltrane, NY Yankees, Hulk Hogan, The Grateful Dead, Les Paul, the band Boston, Bill Hicks, Andrew Dice Clay, Don Rickles, Brian Wilson, Hank Williams Junior, Danny McBride, Charles Bukowski, Marc Maron, General Patton, Johnny Cash, Axel Rose, Nikki Six, Albert Brooks, Randy Newman, the Zucker Brothers, Wayans Brothers, Derek Jeter, Michael Jordan, Muhamad Ali, Walt Whitman, Chuck Zito, Chuck Norris, Jim Brown, Stan Lee, Kevin Smith, Bon Jovi, Mr. Rogers, the Beastie Boys, Dennis Hopper, Rudy, Red Foxx, Chris Rock, Larry David, Sly Stallone, Gene Simmons, Jim Norton, Jeff Ross, Patrice O’Neal, Vince Vaughn, Stryper, Adam Sandler, Joan Jett, Henry Miller, Robert Frost, Marilyn Monroe, Joan Rivers, Howard Stern, president Donald J. Trump.
Why would I include, Donald J. Trump on this illustrious list of American heroes dear to my heart forevermore? Because he inspired my children to hug old glory after I showed them a picture of our President doing the same. They say, a picture speaks a 1000 words, no amount of spin semantics and propaganda brainwashing can mistake our President’s love of flag, vets and fellow hard working Americans, free to exert their will onto this universe in the effort to enact their most deep rooted dreams of opening a business or providing for their family without being totally miserable into a glorious, real life unfolding reality.

 
I showed my children a picture of our president hugging an American flag with his arms wrapped around tight, exuding a boyish, young at heart, grin, screaming I love my country and my flag because it represents a land where I was free to pursue my dreams and make ball busting great again. A place where his scrappy, hard work was rewarded, to become everything he dared to dream into doing and becoming.

 
Driving cross country to Los Angeles for my last semester of college, was the most patriotic experience of my life. The surge in patriotic pride hit me like a battering ram as I drove around the Grand Canyon with Bruce Springsteen’s greatest hits playing as the perfect soundtrack backdrop to all the wonderous, beauty piercing natural wonder.
For the 1st in my life, driving around the Grand Canyon, taking in such a beauty spewing tapestry of sandblasted, orange hues and violet shades of red bursting color, it was impossible to not feel like I was in the haunting, holy presence of God’s finger-painting best work.

 
I also lived in LA for 6 years after spending my last semester of college out there, interning for a talent agency called the House of Representatives.  I sold wine in California. Took many girlfriends to day trips in Santa Barbara because I couldn’t afford to stay in hotels when I sold wine.

 

 

How can my various girlfriend getaway adventures to Santa Barbara on PCH up through the winding hills of the Santa Anita Mountains, to stop off eating the most delectable, scrumptious Tri Tip sandwiches of my life make me hate America one bit? Knowing I get to take PCH up through Santa Barbra for the most part, becoming at one with the mighty Pacific. Where that lucky old son, Brian’s Wilson’s favorite muse, bounces, skips and prances in a scattered, flickering glorious light over such a breath-taking oceanic stretch of deep, soothing, soul penetrating streams of blue.

 
Now, my son’s favorite toy is the Blue Angel plane I got him after taking my 3 kids to their 1st air show. I had never been to an airshow before either. Just picture the parking lot scene of a Kid Rock show, but with more wide-eyed kids and not as much tore up looking talent from the nineties since Kid Rock went platinum.

 
I have a framed picture in our bathroom with my son Arthur and his older sister Matilda posing in an old school fighter jet, with real deal pilot helmets on and cool looking shades on. You’d think they were posing for a subway poster of a more child friendly remake of Iron Eagle for Nick Junior.

 

 

Patriotism is taught at home. On Presidents Day, I taught my children this year how our 1st President George Washington, freed all his slaves eventually and paid them reparations in the form of a giant buyout severance package.
My children know about Lenny Bruce Live at Carnegie Hall and how his attacks on organized religion ruling by fear versus love was his God given, American right to do so. Every year on 4th of July, I bust out my original Dream Team USA tang top jersey from 92 for Christ sake before Magic made HIV disappear. That’s teaching your kids patriotism folks. Especially, after stressing to my kids, how Americans pride themselves on their killer work ethic compared to the world at large. Not always peachy about it but if you’re making 6 figures a year I don’t want to hear any bitching from you.  You also teach your kids patriotism by stressing how having our best US college players lose to Spain in the Olympics the previous year because of Alonzo Mourning’s unreliable hook shot from 4 feet away is unacceptable in the winning obsessed USA.

 

But then, MJ, Bird and Magic would follow the illustrious footsteps of other all star American Olympians such as Jesse Owens, Edwin Moses, Carl Lewis, Sugar Ray Leonard, Jackie Joyner-Kersee. Can we make Usain Bolt an honorary American Olympian for the purposes of this conversation, considering his brash, super charismatic, obviously influenced by Iron Mike’s, big time brash bravado  personality in some capacity?

 
My son’s going to join the Boy Scouts, next year when he starts Kindergarten, which is as American as Reese Witherspoon getting pulled over for a DUI with her husband agent at Creative Artists Agency. I think she got with a traffic ticket. It’s nothing a million dollar residual check from Legally Blonde can’t solve. Only in America baby.

The End
By,

Michael Kornbluth

Get Out Of My Life

5 Year Old Son
Where’s mama?
It’s taking 1 million decades.
Do you want daddy to read you a story?
Get out of my life already.
Mama’s dead.

2 Year Old Son walks down the street in his fleece with 2 hands in his pockets, chiller than Matt Damon in the Outsiders with his shirt on.

Stay at Home Dads are welfare mothers in hoodies. I wear a polo one. According to CNN, I’m an elitist White Supremacist. I only listen to Kayne West duets with Paul McCartney.

Crazy, Good, Dada
Pilot
(V.0)
Picture a family cooking show for dads if Jim Gaffigan was Jewish and only had 3 kids. We’re The Pescatarain Comedians.

Crazy, Good, Dada

Pilot

Do It All Dad
(V.O)
I want to get paid to hang out with my 3 kids.
Is this love or co-dependence times 3?
Time to find out World Wide Web. Give it up for my prop comedian family, The Pescatarian Comedians. Food history served bit by bit.

 

The Pescatarian Comedians Pilot Younger Brother The world doesn’t revolve around your kids. Stay At Home Comedian Our Bad Boy Soy Boy sketch got 2 million views last week alone. According to Youtube it does.

 

INT. DELI Old School Italian

I tried to invent an apple sauce dispenser so I could get paid to hang out more with my kids .

Stay At Home Comedian

Our kids are superior company than most, especially when mommy keeps busy.
INT. DELI Old School Italian I tried to invent an apple sauce dispenser so I could get paid to hang out with my children more.

Stay At Home Comedian

I bet your shoulders don’t collapse when your son hugs you on his birthday.

INT. HOME

Wife

A Kiss shirt? You’re not in High School anymore.

Stay At Home comedian

Don’t act like you’re so tight fitting anymore.

 

INT. HOME
Daughter
Why does Shannon call the MAGA hat racist?
Stay At Home Comedian
Because her mom only gets her news from Telemundo.

INT. KIDS U
Playing with my kid. Another kid by himself, tags along.
Do It All Dad
I got 3 kids little man.
I’ve only got some much new kid love allocation to spare.
Here’s a card. Tell your dad to review my podcast on Itunes & will talk.

MAGA Hats have become a symbol of White Nationalism? Then, why does Kayne West rock it? Do White Nationalists even fancy, high end, porcupine Persian puss? Also, name another white nationalist invited to Kayne’s sermons on God in Calabasas? I’m still waiting.

The MAGA hat is a symbol of white nationalists. I thought it was for time for real life profitable change. MAGA hat is a symbol of white nationalists. That’s what CNN hopes to shame 64 million branded racists who voted for Trump into thinking. Jussie Smollett claiming complete innocence or not.

Candace Owens unedited.
No offense Mr. Leiu but Obama is the one who loves Hitler. Obama wishes he was that organized. Mass extermination of his Zionist critics would be a gas, whether it’s through slipping them Fentanyl into their soup or not.

INT. OFFICE
HR
How will you handle commuting to the city after 3 years?
Stay At Home Comedian
After looking after 3 kids 2 summers in a row with no AC, the commute on MetroNorth will feel like a 5 week rave in Germany, actually.

Memo to Craig Carton:
Doing time as a stay at home comedian with limited congenial visits since our 3rd kid has turned our bed into an after hours open milk bar has made me a better on air personality host also. I’ll bet you on it, double or nothing.

 

Awkward Classic Rock DJ Moment
That was Love Hurts. Ah, Kleinfeld only got to 1st base with a buck toothed 6 by Texas hottie standards in Dazed and Confused. I’m still Large Larry for a reason. That hurts.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stephen Miller’s Greatest Hits

How many White Nationalists live in Kenya? Is there a movie Kenya Bush Burning streaming on Netflix? When Richard Pryor went to Africa did he ever utter I hate Kenyan Nazi’s? Did Baby Face Omar grow up on Venice Beach in the 90’s?

How is Minnesota House Rep. Ilhan Omar such an authority on White Nationalism? Was Higher Learning airing on her free trip to Minnesota? Would it make her feel better if the new Metrodome was shaped like a retractable Hijab instead?

Baby Face Omar calls herself an intersectional feminist. Ok, so maybe, she needed more than 3 months to learn the nuances of our native English language. Intersectional feminist, means what? She can’t decide whether she’s gender fluid or not?

Baby Face Omar at Katz Deli with Chuck Schumer.
Mia Farrow would’ve adopted you after she dumped the Jewish perv. Are Muslims allowed tongue? What about white fish salad? Am I being too New York Jewish pushy for your taste?

According to Baby Face Omar, either you’re a white nationalist or your cool with endorsing complete lawlessness with Keith Ellison’s favorite Borders Are Bull Shit Undershirt. A very sophisticated world view. I admit.

Baby Face Omar at the photo shoot for the cover of Rolling Stone.
Loosen up Omar. Just think despite Stephen Miller’s resistance Sharia Law won. Those are some pearly whites Omar. Are there good dentists in Kenya? Because all Jewish dentists are crooked.

Memo to Baby Face Omar
White Nationalists burn crosses down south.
Stephen Miller is a Jew from Santa Monica, California.
I don’t see Stephen Miller eating pulled pork sandwiches with the CEO My Pillow to discuss Pink Floyd the Wall either.

I wonder what my old Media Studies teacher at Ithaca College has to say about the Baby Face Omar phenom today.

All the Jews in the media hate themselves for not sticking up to this racist runt. I got tenure, so fuck it.

Stephen Miller is a speech writer for President Trump. Name one instance Baby Face Omar, where any Trump speech uttered the white nationalist unification slogan, Make Nazi Germany Great Again? Still waiting you Jew lover you.

 

Baby Face Omar and Stephen Miller stuck in an Elevator.
Do they have Candid Camera in Kenya? Wait, you’re too young to catch that reference. Did you ever see America’s Funniest Home Videos in Kenya? Bob Saget host, infidel, tall Jew like me.

Baby Face Omar hates Jews in power. The nicest thing she would say about the Jews is how despite the Muslims inventing Math, Jews being money hungry rats, perform better at standardized tests because they’re all about the cheddar.

The End,

By,

Michael Kornbluth