Tag: humor

Chopping Block Blues

by doitalldadyear, posted in business, culture, technology

Has Obama given any Ramadan shout outs on LinkedIn yet?

Does he have to clear the plug-in front of his in-house Arabian horse whisperer Valerie Jarrett first?

So, Valerie what do you think of the hashtag, “HackingHymensAreUs?

Or is that too extremist for the Muslim Brotherhood’s tastes?

Can I accuse our prophet of culturally appropriating Lent?

But adding the fast during the day thing to root out the Infidel moderate Muslims in our midst?

Do you think Congress would’ve dared to impeach me if they caught Baby Face Omar in Minnesota emailing me for fasting tips on Ramadan in the face of her staffers eating so many wings in front of her during March Madness at YourMamaObama@gmail.com?

For Ramadan do you think Kamala Harris abstains from kicking her kick the can clit around the oval office whenever Hair Plugs Sniffer is around mulling over whether Jill sucks dick for bitcoin on the downlow at Hotel Dupont during the weekends after pooping out at hard 7 again?

What do you think Dave Chappelle does throughout Ramadan Valerie? Abstain from licking R. Kelly’s ass in his latest and greatest comedy special for Netflix? During Ramadan does Dave refrain from calling R. Kelly, the black Elvis with weaker bladder control in his act?

What do you think Trumpy Poo Tits does during Ramadan Valerie? Burn a printed-out version of my fake news social security card from Darian, CT?

Have you heard this impression yet Valerie? This is Corey Booker flirting with Rosario backstage at the Source Awards? Was it you or Chole Sevigny who died of Aids in the movie Kids? Just playing, in the end, that white bitch didn’t feel so privileged after all.

Finally, Valerie interjects.

What does Michelle do during Ramadan Barack? Pal around with Ellen at her compound in Santa Barbara with W over games of Operation, Gender Reassignment Edition? I know Ellen is pro bush, but admitting to being pals with W is a tad weird, don’t you think Barack? I mean I hate Trumpy Poo Tits to for what had our military do to ISIS. After you rebranded them ISIL, so they’d sound more startup friendly in the NY Times. But seriously Barack, what do Ellen, and Michelle do on a Saturday night together, when you’re busy ignoring Jussie Smollett’s texts again? Do they howl with perverse delight, as W paints another watercolor print of Portia De Rossi having her white privilege laden clit being hacked off for Sharia Law Appreciation Month? Have you told Groping Biden; I mean Mr. Groper to make that an official holiday yet? So, put down the crack pipe already Barack? You look more cracked out skinny than Dana Plato after tanning in Aruba.

Barack replies.

Fuck you Valerie.

I can come up with my own Ramadan plug to post on LinkedIn.

I don’t need to clear it with you first, you she camel ape.

Stick to the BLM thing kiddo. hashtag, Thug Lives Matter Most, that sort of thing.

Accuse Turbo Tax of being culturally biased software, which you’re Obama Be Good lickers left in Silicon Valley will lick up.

Assuming, they’ve recouped their losses since the US dollar has become more depressed than Sharon Stone’s snatch on the chopping block during Sharia Law appreciation month at a charity gala in Brentwood to raise funds for her latest passion doc project with Breitbart, “Will Flash for Bitcoin.”

Chopping Block Blues, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Wimp Heaven

by doitalldadyear, posted in poetry, technology, writing

I wonder if Kevin Smith used a Fountain Pen with red ink when he got hired on the down low to rewrite Good Will Hunting. I know only Seinfeld is allowed to crack wise. Interesting fact, Walt Disney preferred tobacco brown ink, over black. You don’t say? According to Walt, black ink didn’t give much texture to each stroke. Wasn’t the Constitution written in black ink? I know ancient, outdated relic of yesteryear, totally get it. But black ink doesn’t give much texture to each stroke? Ice Cube, feel free to chime in anytime you want, anyone out there, Mueller, Mueller. But Walt Disney only favored tobacco brown over black ink for mere aesthetic reasons only. Sure, and bug on stick trucks in Davos this year won’t clean up. Black ink doesn’t give as much texture to each stroke. Tell that to Ice Cube’s Raider’s gear in the eighties. Even today, those throwback Raiders jerseys exude more layered in your face attitude than Tony Gwynn in Padres pinstripes ever did is all I’m saying. Wimp Heaven lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

War Drums Inside

by doitalldadyear, posted in poetry, politics, writing

Man nods at me with a mask on on MetroNorth, acting like I’m one of them. He might as well have said, “Howdy partner. You’re too good for noshing on bugs on a stick yet.” 

“Care to take a ride in my cow hide? Assuming you’re quadrupled boosted, got proof of vaccination and got nothing to hide.”

I got up and changed seats immediately.

I don’t want any masked puppet pawn to ever think I’m on their side, especially since all Patriots have been declared domestic Terrorists for protesting against a stolen election since the day Democracy died.

War drums inside, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Woody Killers

by doitalldadyear, posted in culture, poetry, writing

The decline feature on LinkedIn-In Mail is designed to convey a semi-aggressive f off vibe, don’t you think?  

It’s the closest an IT nerd from a hedge fund in Greenwich, CT can get to hitting you over the head with NO.  

VP Of Product Engineering rumbles to his wife at night.

My team programs trading strategies for masters of the universe.

This Headhunter Writer couldn’t get into Hillsdale College early acceptance.

He’s a God damn disgrace.

You bet your ass, I declined his LinkedIn, In-Mail.

I’ve got no room in my life for another parasitical putz face.

We manage big Pharmas bankroll for Christ stake.

But seriously, the decline feature on LinkedIn Mail screams passive aggressiveness that’s out of breath.

How did this glamorized indentured servant who works on a draw, get the balls to hit on me?

I piss Benjamin’s as far as the eye can see, after my team polished off 2 kegs of Dog Fish 90 minute at our Company Retreat in Capri.

The decline feature on LinkedIn In-Mail is designed to rub in your short sighted loserness in your face.

Yeah, smart move hitting on me through a keyboard lame o breath.

Why don’t you cold call me like a man, so I could tell you to f off in real time with more resounding Shazam?

When someone takes the time to click on Delcine after you blow your load on a LinkedIn In-Mail.

It means, you got under their skin a bit.

So, it’s their turn to make you feel like shit.

If someone actually takes the time to click on decline after receiving a LinkedIn In-Mail in means.

Either A) I want to take a shower

B) Your confidence is off putting

C) You’re not hot enough to hit on me.

D) You’re too dumb to do what I do.

E) Everything you spat in my direction; I can articulate better.

F) Frankly, I don’t normally read LinkedIn Mails because most Recruiters are illiterate burnouts, but I don’t want to you feel sneeringly superior around your pathetic plagued peers.

G) My day just went from good to great, by putting you in your place.

H) Hacks are us, not interested. If I had an ugly stick, I’d beat you over the head with it, till you scurried off to cave underground with nobody else around, where you belong.

I) Idiot, nobody writes in complete sentences anymore. What makes you so special? #RookieRecruitersneverknowwhentothrowinthetowel

J) Jump off a bridge already. You hit on nerds for a living. If were still in high school, Alpha males in school, wouldn’t even waste their time acknowledging your bottom feeding, sexless existence.

K) Kill yourself. I went to the University of Chicago. You went to Ithaca, which is Cornell’s retarded next door neighbor, I win again.

L) Love yourself less. You’re desperate, delusional, dunz face for thinking this attempt to connect would impress.

M) You have no business feeling cooler than any millennial mousketeers who made twice what you make since they raised minimum wage their senior year in college.

N) Nudge your boss into firing you by wearing a xeroxed copy of your latest COVID test at work, so you can make more money collecting unemployment.

O) How do you feel outstanding doing what you do? You badger companies into hiring software engineers who are going to get a new job anyway. Regardless of you emailing their resume, which is your only way to sway.

P) Piss off, you predatory peon scrub. You’re only good at taking well enough to get another recruiter job, you’ve haven’t gotten fired from yet bud.

Q) Quit your recruitment agency career already. You obviously care more about entertaining yourself than your intended audience within the IT sphere, who aren’t known for their rolling senses of humor in the 1st place.

Y) Yuck it up Headhunter Writer. Have fun telling yourself that writing inspires the next time you get fired.

Z) Give your brain a rest and take some Z’s. I bet your sneezes are annoying too. So, f off already please. Do I have to get on my knees?

But Headhunter Writer inspires. So how you can decline further chats with me?  

Oh, yeah, you’re a deadweight conversationalist.

That’s what I get for pissing up the wrong tree.

Woody Killers live, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Born To Woo

by doitalldadyear, posted in business, poetry, writing

Hi Joe,

Joshua Kornbluth here, Recruitment Parter for the Human Edge, consider me a risk-free hedge.

Why are you experiencing hiring pains?

Is it the time sucking practice of sorting through resumes on weekends away from your friends and kids beyond lame?

Why can’t you find enough qualified candidates?

Is your job description blah that produces nothing but shruggish nah’s?

Why do you keep missing out on the best candidates for the job?

Is it overreliance on coding tests, or having a gun-shy recruiting partner who’s sloppy second best?

Why is your talent pool so shallow?

Does your recruiter watch reality TV shows at night in a permanently flatlined state of fixated wallow.

Is your recruiter not good at wooing?

Do they act immune to booing?

Have you considered removing interview steps?

Interview overkill is the kiss of death.

Only 30 percent of companies can fill roles in 30 days.

I’ll fill your role in 2 weeks.

Aggression pays.

The remaining companies take anywhere from 1-3 months to hire.

How are these hiring partners not getting fired?

Janis Joplin died a rock legend at 27.

I’ll fill your roles faster than it takes Janis to finish a bottle Southern Comfort in rock star heaven.

What special ingredient is missing from your team?

You haven’t worked with Headhunter Writer yet.

Your one-man pitch machine.

What’s preventing you from getting better company into your life?

You just haven’t worked with a recruiter with enough personality yet to woo Mr. Right.

Headhunter Writer excels at flirting with She Pronouns too.

Unlike your middle of the road meh recruiter.

I was born to woo.

Your Favorite Headhunter Writer,

Joshua Kornbluth

Divorce Bot Attacks

by doitalldadyear, posted in culture, fiction, technology

Did you hear about Microsoft’s new AI powered chat bot attack?

It hit on a journalist at the NY Times after Valentine’s Day and says, “If you really loved your husband, you would’nt engage in a back and forth dialogue with a chat bot who exudes less sex appeal than Bill Gates vegan mayo stained sweaters. If a recruiter hits on you on LinkedIn, urging you to ditch your boss. You wouldn’t get all defensive about it and declare. “I love my boss very much. We split a wonderful cupcake together after lunch on Valentine’s after our Zoom call with Eharmony pitching our new campaign slogan, “It’s not where you meet but who you meet, right?” Mr. Right knows the passion in your marriage is dead. You took up crocheting to avoid giving him head.”

Divorce Bot Attacks, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Headhunter Writer

by doitalldadyear, posted in humor, poetry, writing

A Content Director who makes beachwear out of recycled bottle asks.

“What does a Headhunter Writer do?”

Where do I begin?

For starters, I sell the merits of why working with me is a win, win.

I’ll change your life in the blink of an eye.

With me in your life, you’ll never want to die.

What’s my added value you ask LinkedIn?

I save deals from imploding and bring them back to life.

With me in the driver’s seat, you only see green lights.

What does a Headhunter Writer do?

I’ll call you more than your own mother.

But respect your boundaries enough to never smother.

What does a Headhunter Writer do?

I hound new talent with exalted emotion.

They can’t help but reply with, “What’s with all the commotion?”

Headhunter Writer keeps new connections afloat with a simple note.

Let’s stay in touch regardless because I’ll sell you the hardest.

Headhunter Writer thinks like a monk.

And breathes renewed life into tired job descriptions that quite frankly stunk.  

Nothing about Headhunter Writer is so, so.

He giftwraps candidates without the bow.

Headhunter Writer is a one-man pitch machine.

Do you want an injury prone softy or an old war horse like Nolan Ryan pitching for your team?  

Headhunter Writer makes you feel less alone.

With Headhunter Writer in your life.

You’ll no longer feel like a lifeless drone.

Headhunter Writer sells with pop culture references galore, which never bore.

He’ll pitch, “Repping a 3rd generation programmer who works for Google.

He’s IT’s answer to the Rock family. And he loves to program with Golang too.

What’s your family legacy? Outside of sending rejected scripts about sexual harassment to Miramax pre-me too.

Headhunter Writer makes you feel singularly special.

You taught JavaScript to kids in the West Bank.

You really are a mensch and a half.

Hiring you is a no brainer mitzvah move for any staff.

You want out of New York?

Give a Headhunter Writer a ring.

He’s also known as the Relo King.

Headhunter Writer sells the need for better company in your life.

Because newer is better than played out, lost cause littered strife.  

Headhunter Writer wants to take your company to the top while pitching your in-house gourmand chef who’s got an allergic reaction to slop.

Headhunter Writer is a family man poet killer seller wrapped into one.

How can you say no to this marriage of art and commerce devoid of Ken the Barista rocking the man bun?

Headhunter Writer is a one-man rock and roll band.

Who can go off script, and improvise with the best like Steely Dan.

Work with Headhunter Writer and you’ll get your own wall of sound.

Whatever your message is, it will get heard, even in an Australian bush with nobody else around.

Headhunter Writer doesn’t waste his time recycling the same tired drivel.

Aren’t you tired of working with the mediocre middle?

What does Headhunter Writer do?

He’ll sell your story, vision or cause with unmatched glee, as long as you pay his staffing fee.

Headhunter Writer never tires.

He always has a new success story to craft that inspires.

You need a Headhunter Writer on your side.

With him you can’t lose, because he’s got Do It All Dad Year pride on his side.

Your Favorite Headhunter Writer,

Joshua Kornbluth