They’re Not God

If you want to get through to somebody you better be funny.

Jules Feiffer

 

Why is raising my children Jewish important to me? Knowing I just learned at 43 years old 3 kids later, how the Mezuzah necklace my father has worn since his Dad died when he was only 23, from radiation emissions during the big one during World War 2, contains the verses from Deuteronomy commanding the Jewish people to hang a Mezuzah on our doorposts and love God with all our soul instead of new rules on Real Time with Bill Maher.

Let’s start with my time at a Conservative Synagogue for the High Holy Days, I’m not a member of, to make peace with my anger issues with God for the start of Rosh Hashanah 2019.  The English translated passage, impacting my spiritual rearing of my children the most described the most indestructible type of faith in God. As a mixture of faith amassed from proactive individual study and personal inventory of your own internal probing experience combined with the faith which is commanded to learn in the form of memorized Haftorah portion by your Jewish Dad from Pond Place. Whose father was the President of his Synagogue in the Bronx, long before the new Yankee stadium was built, otherwise known as the House That Gentrification Built.

It is this rock solid, unbeatable, Road Warriors, tag team combo of God commanded, Jewish dad pusher man faith, combined with a gratitude inflected, soul rebel infused,  introspective path from within, I’d like to set my three children on, without my constant hammering of you better obey or else suffer the rage of God next time you think it’s funny to hit daddy in the nuts, idolize Miley Cyrus or kick your sister’s private parts in the bubble.

 

Raising my kids Jewish was important to me even before I learned how my mother in law force fed my kids Eucharist at her Ukrainian church, behind my back during Ukrainian Christmas, which is never kosher, not even in Bill Maher’s book, despite him not believing in God at all thinking, it’s all just meaningless fake news pageantry bullshit in the first place.

 

Just to clarify for clueless Jews who didn’t intermarry into a family with a Ukrainian mother in law, who writes God Bless on every card imaginable, even the one for the Biden family who live in the same neighborhood in Delaware, despite knowing their son Hunter had sexual relations with their dead son’s ex-wife but I digress.

Yeah, so Eucharist also means communion, which is where you kneel down to eat the wafer, acknowledging it as the body of Christ, ensuring your entry into Christian defined Heaven as some sort of loophole if your Jewish blood containing children from dad’s side were never baptized out of the womb. Come to think of it, being Baptized is really the antithesis to the love supreme faith package I described before, combining personal belief and faith pushed upon you from Hebrew School. Because according to the Christian faith, without a Baptism you can’t get into Heaven, case closed. But wouldn’t God, regardless of whether you accept Jesus as the son of God or not, prefer you come to love the totality of the all mighty after you developed some life experience under your belt, experienced some trials and tribulations or been blessed to be in the delivery room for not one but all 3 of your unplanned bundles of sunshine? Knowing, a baby out of the womb starts off pure, with no surging sexual appetites to drive them insane in the membrane yet.

 

Raising my kids Jewish is important to me because I do believe in the power of prayer because I’ve only acknowledged a Jewish God in my life forever and he’s always come through for me when I needed him the most. One summer, after my 1st time big time request of God in the form of potential summer romance, he gave me my summer wind Katie on the Cape, making this 20-year-old virgin at the time a very happy man, by teaching how happy I was capable of making another. My three children only reinforce that mantra every day, especially my youngest, baby Samuel, AKA, Chosen Curls Was Bound To Woo. Funnier dad, happier baby, baby.

Also, after my wife was in labor forever with my 1st kid, Matilda, AKA, Grace In Motion, I prayed for God to ensure my knock-kneed putz embedded DNA skipped a generation. Now, my daughter is breaking high jump records at school at 8 and conducting parent teacher gymnastic school update conferences with her daddy, regarding progress reports involving her 2 adoring, younger brothers in training under her hardcore, future Olympian gymnasts in training supervision.  I also had cousins on my father’s side who were killed in the Holocaust for the crime of being Jewish. For that reason alone, I feel compelled to raise my kids Jewish knowing, my children are able to live out dreams they never could.

 

Raising my kids Jewish is important to me, because my funny Jew bone is a tremendous source pride for me, which all 3 of my kids inherited and no Nazi or hate speech police monitor at Facebook and beyond could ever take that away from me. Last, I tell my daughter whose already had her mikveh, ritual bath conversion ceremony already, how I felt ostracized from the Rabbi on the Bimah during Rosh Hashanah services over the past two days. The Female Rabbi’s passive aggressive acknowledgment of my presence there without my wife and kids, stems from a past preliminary conversation about getting a mikveh conversion ceremony for my hospital circumcised sons since she became aware of the fact of how my wife had no plans of converting to Judaism. My mom converting and no longer attending synagogue after she converted for my Dad didn’t help the case for my wife converting if I chose to push the issue.

 

Still, I never asked my wife to convert on my wife stating, “You don’t want to covert fine, but I want to raise the kids Jewish.” She replies, “But we have to raise the kids on a pescatarian diet, fish, veggies and cheese. I say, “Jesus the fisherman was the original super Jew, sold.”  Still, it was impossible to not feel a look of shame descend upon me from the Rabbi on back to back days of services for Rosh Hashanah like I was some unwanted, resurgent herpes sore on the spot during services. Blissfully unaware of almost the entire 614 commandments such as seeking out consulting services of Fortune Tellers in LA only to learn my Chakras were more clogged than my Freshman one hitter. Also, learning the other big no, no in Deuteronomy is for Jews not to marry gentiles. The logic behind this Jewish law, is the fear of non-Israelite women turning your Jewish blood infused kid’s hearts to their Gentile God and prophets.  I’m not freaking out over this prospect yet, knowing my kid’s initial reaction to stain glass window displays at the Met was, “Pretty Dada, but too Churchy. Also, my daughter stating, “Who do these Rabbis think they are, defining whose more deserving of God’s love than the other. They’re not God Dada.”  God could use more hardcore spiritual warriors like my daughter on his side.

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gay About My Abnormality

Eddie Murphy won’t let cancel culture restrict his return to stand-up. Cosby rape jokes should be a safe space for Eddie to mine. Did you know Female Dragon Flies play dead to avoid sexual assault? Bill Cosby victims call this wishful thinking.

Bernie joining the October debate after his health scare.

My stents in my heart were made in Switzerland, so is my pacemaker. Crowd laughs. The Swiss got a firm grasp on making sterling, exacting time pieces any German at BMW would wear.

Hillary Clinton stressing Trump Admin officials to tell the truth is like the NY Times telling Larry David how to craft logical, funny story lines under a semi-believable suspension of disbelief.

Conservatives are like ISIS, Daily Beast? That’s 1st year open mike bad. Does Tina Brown still run the Daily Beast? Is she still pissed Trump shamed her friend Arianna for being dumped by a gay husband far prettier than she’ll ever be?

Trump’s chat with the Head of Ukraine, “undermined national security”? Did Trump offer Putin’s personal email address in exchange for the name and location of Hunter Biden’s crack dealer in downtown Wilmington, Delaware? Email is yourmamaobama@gmail.com.

Trump assaulted the Constitution? Did he white out We The People and fill in Fox and Friends?

Trump assaulted the Constitution? With what, a machete signed by Michael Douglas from Romancing The Stone?

Trump assaulted the Constitution? Did he deface the Bill of Rights section, using it to wipe up the trail of Russian call girls in his golden shower suite at the Four Season in downtown St. Petersburg?

Trump assaulted the Constitution? Did Trump overnight 150 billion in unmarked bills to Iran on the eve of Ramadan? What do you call this assault on checks and balances, Allah powered intervention? So it’s a wash, no questions asked?

#Trumpmeltdown, as usual resistor, Twitter twats, have it the other way around. He’s a stable genius remember? You’re just no name hacks with no black friends whatsoever. Does Jim Brown support your not my president racist rhetoric bullshit?

The worse part about applying for jobs is being reminded you’re looking for one. We wish you all the best in your job search and thank you again.

Sincerely,

The Blue Balls Recruitment Team

INT. Home

Wife

Matilda has a dentist appointment tomorrow morning. Enough with the sighing. I schedule all the kids appointments.

Do It All Dad

You want to trade places and be the kid’s permanent schlepper instead, Fabulous Mrs. Maisel?

Perverse also means cranky opposition, especially under forced upon censorship of so called suitable, normal behavior. So in essence, working comedians are paid to be gay about their abnormality for pointed laughs while getting their freak on for a living.

Michael Kornbluth

Dreamboat Nanny Wish List

A new book states Obama doesn’t want to endorse Biden because Oprah doesn’t care for creative non fiction Chinese Spy Novels for her club.

Impeachment is worth losing the House over Denture Breath Pelosi? Like you were keeping the House without your non-dreaded impeachment inquiry. 250 days in and all the House Democrats have done is give Hunter heart palpitations on bad coke.

President Pelosi could happen Washington Post? While we’re lost on fantasy island. Let’s print Mike Pence get’s crucified for calling his wife prettier than Stormy Daniels in his eyes.

AOC meeting Bernie at a Vermont Diner.

Bernie

The Reuben here is supurb.

AOC

18 dollars for a Reuben in Vermont?

Waitress

Bernie hasn’t paid off your off student loans yet in exchange for your endorsement for President AOC? My husband works for ICE, you demonizing bitch.

AOC meeting Bernie at a Vermont Diner.

AOC

Why is the Seth Rich murder the only unsolved murder in DC history Uncle Bernie?

Uncle Bernie

Have you seen my Lake House on Lake Champagne yet?

Trump is obsessed with Hillary Hamertime Cankles because he’s an illegitimate president? No you lost because you’re an unhuggable cunt. 2 time loser baby boomer moms don’t know best.

Director Joss Whedon wants Trump banned from Twitter in the interests of national security. What does his mental sanity have to do with US national security? Write a Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie to screen at Allan Ball’s boy toy pad and shut up.

A ninth woman accused Al Franken of groping her. Franken should’ve stayed on at SNL and stuck to rubbing up against fatties during rush hour on the F Line to 30 Rock.

INT. CAR

Daughter

Only beer?

Do It All Dad

Oktoberfest by Sierra Nevada to be exact. Beer Advocate describes the beer as possessing kisses of dark chocolate if that makes you feeling any better about mom and dad’s desert.

Good Will Hoodie declaring war against Elizabeth Warren.
Facebook is too big, cry me a river Warren. You think Twitter is going to swing votes in your favor? Trump pays the highest per click rate for Indian Casinos to appear every time somebody googles Warren.

We got 30,000 contracted content moderators at Facebook to monitor Diamond and Silk for anymore election interference finger waiving bullshit.

INT. HOME

Do It All Dad

Tell me about your dream nanny.

Daughter

She can teach me how to make brownies.

Do It All Dad

Unlike Baba who blows you off with, “I’ll teach you later dear. I must act busy in the kitchen to justify my absentee existence in your life . ”

Impeachment process was too slow for John Wilkes Boothe SNL? Too bad Pete Davidson can’t train any ANTIFA thugs in a pink hoodie like a Navy Seal. Lorne Michaels hates how much funnier Trump is. Sandler and Norm are the best things on SNL ever.

Impeachment process was too slow for John Wilkes Boothe SNL? Johnny Depp is channeling his inner Hunter S Thompson in the form of freelance joke submissions for SNL now? Nixon accelerated our war in Vietnam, Trump ordered the destruction of ISIS Burton play toy.
In NYC you can be fined 250 K for asking an illegal alien if he can speak English. But Twitter thinks it’s Kosher to pose the question #HowDoMexicansTalk ? Like George Lopez but less Catskills comic Jewy in the process.

Situation: Cashier at the Pizza place making my son uncomfortable.

Pizza Man

You got ants in your pants kid?

Do It All Dad

Maybe, my son identifies with an apprehensive, second guessing Gerbilist.

Biden campaign officials demanding the media censor Giuliani.

Rudy has a casual relationship with the truth at best. Comparing Hunter Biden to Don Junior isn’t fair. Hunter isn’t considered to be threatening enough to be censored on Instagram.

Biden campaign officials demanding the media censor Giuliani again.

Something didn’t happen, alright.

Michael Kornbluth

All The Sensitive Horses

INT. CARTOON NETWORK OFFICE

Executive

Tell me about your animated TV show, All The Sensitive Horses.

Do It All Dad

It’s about an Equestrian sensitivity rehab center for Trump Derangement Syndrome. Treating patients who project crazy hate at family members who support Trump.

INT. HOME

Wife

You’re too sensitive for stand-up comedy.

Do It All Dad

Consider it sensitivity conversion therapy. Also, I know the audience aren’t friends or family to get angry at for living to derail my surging funny man MOJO on the rise.

INT. HOME

Wife

Your parents think you’re a socially isolated stay at home dad.

Do It All Dad

It’s not like I’m rejecting six figure jobs in Manhattan to blog more jokes for free. George Washington also said, “It’s better to be alone than to be in bad company.”

INT. HOME

Wife

Your brother and parents believe fatherhood has turned you into a socially isolated, mentally unhinged outcast.

Do It All Dad

And that was before I came out as pro Trump. They’re the crazy ones for thinking they’re perfect for never seeing the kids.

EXT. CAMPSITE-CT

Long Island Dude

You care too much.

Do It All Dad

About defending my honor, after my parents, wife, friends, and old work associates have done nothing but discourage me from making a living as a professional funny man to provide for my family? I agree, but if I won’t who will?

INT. CAR

Wife

What’s my role in your TV Pilot?

Do It All Dad

You threaten to kick me out of the house after raising our 3 kids at home, allowing you win a bunch Nurse Awards and earn respect and praise from all.

Wife

I like how this story is shaping up already.

INT. HOME

Wife

How can you expect to succeed when your parents and only brother think you’re a zero talent, delusional hack?

Do It All Dad

Prove to yourself you’re not and put together a 1 man show with a talking Palomino Horse as my Hindu trainer guide for it.

INT. Home

Daughter

I don’t know what to do.

Do It All Dad

We can prank call Uncle John. Pretend, you’re the ghost of his 4th aborted baby, next time he tunes into Real Time with Bill Maher in real time.

INT. HOME

Son

Daddy, why didn’t you audition at the Apollo? Was that just an excuse to leave Baba’s house early?

Do It All Dad

I had 2 books to organize and the house to myself kid. And the waiting at the Apollo was killing me because I’m used to immediate feedback on Twitter and WordPress. Next year I’ll do it. I promise.

INT. BEDROOM

2 Year Old Boy

Love you Dada.

Wife

Aw, did you say you love Dada?

Do It All Dad

We’ve been inseparable for 2 plus years. Plus, funnier dad, happier baby. The shortest distance between 2 people is laughter, Victor Borge. Forget about it.

Michael Kornbluth

Crazy For Expecting Something

My daughter being perfect. The Bible should say respect your son if your father and mother are to be honored and treated with the same dignity in return. Not feed your drug addict brother more lies about you being a delusional hack Dada. Not her exact words.

I’m sorry Lord but when you encourage your wife not to rush home after attending a baby shower in Long Island. It’s still an insensitive move, to not even give a text update after nightfall. Especially knowing I’ve been on weekend kid detail for 3 years straight.

INT. Home

Do It All Dad

Despite Uncle John’s fake news labeling. How can I feel like a loser when you 3 kids plead for me to sit on you, just to get closer to me than we already are?

INT. Car

Do It All Dad

If you worked on a Lego creation for a whole year. Only for your baby bro Samuel to shrug after knocking it down. You’d be crazy not to be angry, right? Well, that’s what Uncle John did for showing no interest in the NY Post reviewing my book.

Text Off:

Brother

Everybody was embarrassed by your speech.

Do It All Dad

Because I mentioned putting a Kibosh on a love triangle between your wife and mother in law? Because that’s not even kosher in Bill Maher’s book. Also, I had no mike. I’m sure it was accidental.

Situation: Text Off

Brother

You’re mentally unstable.

Do It All Dad

Because I predicted Trump would win? Urged Dad to invest in Google pre-IPO? Or doubled down on myself after my daughter was born and fulfilled my dream of writing for TV at Viacom? Clarify Mueller.

Situation: Text Off

Brother

I can’t wait to tell your kids what a loser you are, when they get older.

Do It All Dad

In my gold Porsche SUV? Otherwise known as my Comedy Gold Mobile. As you do coke into your fifties. Good luck with that Sir Snort A Lot.

Situation: Text Off

Brother I watched the video. Everybody was offended by your wedding speech.

Do It All Dad

Because I admitted to my DNA being all over my daughter’s face? Or was it making fun of you face timing your friend in bed before bed? Quote my material man.

Situation: Text Off

Brother

Sorry bro. Was jerking off to the future of the NY Giants.

Do It All Dad

I just told you the book editor for the NY Post is looking at my book and got a goonish reply. But I’m crazy for thinking you care about me making it as a writer.

Michael Kornbluth

Bono’s World of Confusion

I can’t live with or without you? What the fuck is Bono talking about exactly? Some ex who swallowed but grazed from time to time.

I can’t live with or without you sounds like Bono singing about Brexit. Assuming, he cares about leaving a London behind for his kids minus the acid attacks and hate speech police, which would’ve thrown his God Bukowski in jail for calling Dylan overrated.

INT. HOME

Wife

What do you think of my Brazilian Blowout?

Do It All Dad

It would be hotter if you adorned your head with a Peacock feathered headband and a bedazzled g-string, assuming we met at Mardi Gras before banging out 3 kids together.

INT: PARKING GARAGE-NYC

Garage Guy

I have to charge you fifteen dollars extra because your car takes up so much space.

Do It All Dad

It’s a regular size SUV, just tell me child tax breaks don’t apply in New York City ever.

15 dollars extra for the SUV. But Planned Parenthood get’s public funding for killing off future fossil fuel consumers. Let’s write it off as a robotic, automated, white privilege tax then.

They should rename the Great Hill in Central Park to an abandoned putting green on the upper part of Central Park, where cat ladies roam.

Trump cancels meeting with the Taliban. Because a decade worth of non-stop violent aggression against non-aggressors only concedes terrorism will never end from them until the Taliban stop fucking.

Sean Penn wrote a novel about Trump not winning the presidency again called Hope Bullshit Floats Sam.

Not surprised one bit, the sampling of jokes I’ve read from the Alec Baldwin roast translates to Jeff Ross and Carolla being the actual hilarious comedians in that room among all the lesser, hacks in attendance.

Jeff Ross roasting Alec Baldwin. Kim Basinger hates Alec Baldwin so much, she’s willing to audition for the remake of the Coal Miner’s Daughter. Then, Trump can boast, “I made Kim beautiful with a bunch of shit on her face.

EXT. Central Park-NYC

Do It All Dad

Is this your Lemonade Stand?

Manhattan Dad

But it’s for a private birthday party.

Do It All Dad

But you can only afford to have a birthday party in an open border park open to all. I thought your daughter could use some new shoelace money, my bad.

INT. TARGET

Boy

Barbie.

Do It All Dad

You’ll have ample opportunity to play with real life Barbies when you get older. Dada already plans on stuffing your back pack in junior high with pre-poundage consent release forms.

Random Grandma laughs long time.

Linda Sarsour endorsing Bernie for president. I know a self-hating Jew when I see one. I’m the face of moderate Islam because I grew up in Brooklyn remember? I’m surprised he doesn’t demonize his domineering mother more than Israel if you ask me.

Michael Kornbluth

Resisting Gag Orders Good

Scene: Wedding Rehearsal Dinner
Younger Brother
Don’t talk politics.
Do It All Dad
I’m not even talking to you.
Only you can make me regret getting you an original Nintendo for your wedding gift with a Tecmo Bowl game minutes after the fact.

Scene: Wedding Rehearsal Dinner
Baby Boomer Dad
Don’t talk politics.
Do It All Dad
So you’re trying to censor me, Peter Fonda mourner you?
Let’s agree, I won’t send you a signed copy of Do It All Dad Does Jokes as a peace offering then man.

Most symbolic moment at my younger brother’s wedding.

Brother walks down the steps with my parents, arms interlocked. I’m a healthy distance behind with my great Aunt before I hear. Bro, back up and give us space because I’m closer to mom and dad, I win.

Most annoying moment at my younger brother’s wedding was the Bride instructing me to take a time out from playing with my kids to watch my mother sloppy slow dance with my brother like he was the prom king she never molested with her body moving.

Observationl humor about my younger brother’s wedding.

My parents don’t care about rubbing their blatant favoritism of my younger brother in my face from his Bar Mitzvah party onward. It’s like they’re double daring me to prove who the real star is.

INT. RESTAURANT
Wedding Guest
What’s your secret?
Why are your kids so behaved?
Do It All Dad
I unravel the mysterious source of their infinite wonderfullness in my debut parnting book Controlling My Kids With Comedy, A Love Story. For 9.99 you can find out.

Wedding Scene:
Ashley Judd refusing to watch Harvey Weinstein shower himself in his suite at the Four Seasons is a form of rape.
Yeah, it’s totally equivalent to pinned, non fantaized about, borderline suffocating, pinned down pentration.

Accepting how hard I bombed at my younger brother’s wedding.

The bride and groom were making out the whole time I was bombing away.

My parents hated my comedic aspirations already.

Kids got rave reviews. Was a big hit at the party before I got political.

Scene: After I bomb hard at my younger brother’s wedding.

Wedding Guest
You enjoy being inappropriate?

Do It All Dad
I don’t like to bomb. But I don’t like to play it safe or care to charm the Squad’s linguistic mishap sympathizers one bit either.

Scene: After my Dad tried to bully me into wrapping up my set after bombing hard at my brothers wedding with no microphone.

Dad, you really suck sometimes. But I should be thrilled because you called my children beautiful at my brothers wedding.

EXT. WEDDING
HONEY
Michael is a stay at home dad.
Do It All Dad
My dad prefers the expression sheltered bum. He doesn’t know I wrote 2 books this year. Neither does my mother. Younger brother doesn’t care because he’s a fake news friend.

My performance at my brother’s wedding was a total debacle. Making an alt right joke in relation to Jim Carrey and me referring to a potential love triangle between the bride, her mother and myself on my brothers wedding night was declared inappropriate.

EXT. WEDDING
Boomer Dad
Are you looking after the kids?
Do It All Dad
You don’t leave me with much choice, do you? But yes, I’m relishing their company in your absence as usual, that’s correct.

Michael Kornbluth

Mueller, Mueller, Mueller

Has Baby Face Omar downplayed the death of Amy Winehouse as something happened to a hypnotic, beehive horn hiding, Benjamin loving devil woman who exploited the great Palestinian song book for all it’s worth?

What’s going to be the big reveal from the Mueller hearing? He only parts his hair with good old fashioned elbow grease?

Don Cheadle calls Trump the most frightening man on the planet. Why do I get the impression Samuel L. Jackson would deliver that line in a more dramatic, convincing fashion? That’s right, Tarantino hasn’t written shit for you because you lack gravitas.

Omar calls for abortion access for Illegal Aliens. My brain needs to re-compute that sentence.

I don’t think Illegal Aliens are coming to America for the red carpet Planned Parenthood treatment because they’re tired of telling Hector to pull out already.

The squad fears violent attacks against them. Obama did call ISIS the JV squad but the comparison ends there. Knowing they encourage ANTIFA to terrorize MAGA country at large.

Mayor Pete insists white nationalism is the most deadly form of terrorism in the USA.

What about the unmasking of Hondurans standing up to MS13 by the NY Times because they’re still with her for some reason. Care to comment, Children of the Corn?

Impeachment first, prison next. Sure, and the Knicks off season was a resounding success. Stop ruining the allure of me ever wanting to work in Hollywood, moron resistors, every single one of you. You’re all off the list.

Corey Booker wants to punch Trump because the President writes punchier material than he does.

It disgusts me to see Schumer and the blond bitch feeding off the good will from 911 1st responder’s knowing they support sanctuary cities, which put men in blue at most risk. Neither has done dick to demonize the cop hating mayor in charge now either.

Scene: Podcast Interview
Host
What’s your favorite quote?
Do It All Dad
I’ll quote the great Rabbi Mendel Schneerson, “Think good and it will be good. It won’t help Baby Face Omar impeach Trump. Or help her impose Sharia law in America but I digress.

INT. FOOT DOCTOR
Do It All Dad
If you want to learn who fails the friendship litmus test. Write 2 books in 2 years, looking after 3 kids with zero help from grandparents and you’ll learn how much they suck real quick.

Larry Charles, Seinfeld writer alum, Entourage also, encourages the Left to arm themselves, against who?

MS-13 extras on the Fox Lot for a remake of American Me?

Mueller takes the stand.

Ted Cruz: Mueller, how did Trump obstruct justice again? He didn’t fire you. You got a gag order on Roger Stone. He didn’t sue Buzz Feed for defamation for the Euro Trash golden shower tale. Still waiting, Mueller, Mueller, Mueller.

Michael Kornbluth

Hot For Son In Law’s Brother

My parents are so selfish, they pushed for my family of 5 to move next to them in Arizona for east coast heat wave weather stretched out to 4 months a year. And had no plans to up the AC to drown out Uni Brow Maddow whenever we visit.

My love for the Knicks has been reduced to bemused, preverse scorn. Now, I’m aroused at MJ wrecking the Allan Houston, not every shot was so pretty Knicks on YouTube in 1997.

Giving my wife grief on purpose via text.
I’m not rubbing it in. But none of the kids are sun burnt from yesterday nor have they made any reference to their skin catching fire yet.

Planned Wedding Party speech for my younger brother.

My brother’s mother-in-law Honey, compelled my mother to pretend all the wonderful emotive superlatives Honey showered in my honor were an extension of her own sincere feelings about me.

This is me freaking out locals at the pool as I smash my 2 year old son’s knees into water after hoisting him up high in air, again and again.

Breaking baby.

More convincing pump fake.

Baby Samuel headbutts the sky.

Typhoon alert part 2.

INT. POOL
English Kid
Your baby looks like a girl.
Do It All Dad
Yes, my son without make up is hotter than David Bowie minus being overtly glitzy creepy.
And Eddie Izzard is gross, make up on or off, Piers Morgan included on or off the Telly.
There’s nothing worse than the Kindle kid take away scream.

I thought Kelly Osbourne made entitled bitchery sink to new deplorable lows on Fashion Police.

My mom in Tahoe warping reality again over the phone.

In Tahoe, I always think of our time here with you and Natalia.

Before you disinvited us 2 kids later because my stay at home dad of shame didn’t warrant a family retreat.

Diversity is our strength. Like Michelle Obama invited Joan Rivers to the White House for Sponge Cake to break her Yom Kippur fast, she hulk scowl please.

Diversity isn’t always great because me marrying a gentile, resulted in my unhuggable cunt mother in law force feeding communion wafers down my Jew blood infused kids behind my back, which isn’t kosher in our book Michelle.

INT. HOME
Do It All Dad
I always get. Your daughter looks like your twin. I reply. Yeah, once, I grossed out my daughter and said, “My DNA is all over your face.”

Younger brother’s future in-laws laugh long time.

EXT. BARBEQUE
Brother’s Future Father In Law
I respect your tenacity.
Do It All Dad
Your mom admitting in a letter she’ll never show an interest in your writing career propels your love of joke slinging into ridiculous speed.

INT. HOME
Honey
This Pixar movie had this sensual love making scene on a beach in Cuba.
Do It All Dad
Saying adios to Burt Lancaster’s hairy spine was a welcome relief.

Honey laughs long time.

INT. HOME
Brother’s Future Mother-In-Law
Move the flowers out of the way, so I can stare Michel’s handsome face.
Do It All Dad
My younger brother isn’t dealing well with me being your dream celebrity lay in the making Honey.

INT. HOME
Wife
The kids are sun burnt to a crisp.
Do It All Dad
Their skin is being burnt alive as we speak despite me using lotion twice. But you nit pick because you hate I how entertained and bonded with your 3 kids during a heat wave without you.

INT. LAKE CLUB POOL
Old School Cool Jew
There’s ways to prevent unwanted pregnancies.
Do It All Dad
I never mastered the art of the pump fake. All my dad taught me was a half formed hook shoot.

Old School Cool Jew laughs long time.

Michael Kornbluth

American Squad Bashing=Calm Feeling

Does Baby Face Omar text Obama for what Toni Morrison or Maya Angelo quote to use next? Yeah, I don’t see Norah Ephron making Obama’s final cut either. Take a hike Susan Rice. Living in the Big Easy doesn’t make you black enough.

The impromptu send her back chant was hilarious. Some patriots did something about expressing their hatred of baby face Omar, no big deal mang.

Baby Face Omar calls for economic sanctions against Israel while comparing the Jewish homeland to Nazi Germany. Can someone show this bitch Schindler’s List already?
She’s like Obama’s subconscious teleprompter come to life.

INT. Doctors
Nurse
Lactaid pills won’t work on your daughter.
Do It All Dad
After 2 decades of cocaine abuse, my brother now blames his stomach issues on Land O Lakes. Failing to reign in his redneck hick side has nothing to do with it.

My younger brother being passive aggressive. Barbeque is a good idea, you should let Jane’s dad grill. Just like I should let you in my house after you tainted our old couch with a used condom to prove your scumbag marks?

The resistance can call Trump supporters Nazi’s 24/7, celebrate ANTIFA for attacking ICE buildings and Marines. But Trump and his supporters are the violent, hateful side, because they told Obama’s dream love child to f off, sounds fair to me.

When Trump won, I prayed for them to build a wall around the strip clubs in Montreal. So Lena Dunham wouldn’t scare away all the clientele. Are you telling me the bouncers in Montreal wouldn’t be tempted to send hipster rollage back?

My wife ruining everything again.
But you’ve already done a gazillion podcasts. I was talking about promoting my books on other people’s podcasts with bigger reaches like How Dad Made A Porno without tapping his wife for inspiration.

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE
DOCTOR
The #SendHerBack chant was disturbing.
DO IT ALL DAD
Why, is Baby Face Omar insisting Jared Kushner whipped the audience into a frenzy by using his mind control, Jedi Jew tricks?

Mayor Pete calls Trump supporters committed racists. Because chanting Omar go home, whose a Muslim Brotherhood infiltration wet dream come true means Trump voters hate all Muslims, even the moderate ones who condemn Terrorists acts for a change.

Memo to Donny Deutsch:
Just because you’re a dog lover, I can think of more creative ways to express your affection for them than insisting the Bomb Squad are good boys for dehumanizing the Holocaust for social justice cred points on Twitter.

If Trump voters are no different than white supremacists. Then, why don’t any pledge their allegiance to ANTIFA? Yeah, black dudes and Hispanics aren’t in ANTIFA dude. Plus, white anarchists aren’t playing street ball in Sanctuary Cities either.

If all Trump supporters are committed racists, then why don’t you hear go back home to Kenya chants erupt at Trump rallies? That’s right, we can’t prove that because all his records are sealed and nobody on record met Mr. Charisma at Columbia, my bad.

Our allies believe we’re outright racists now according to Alec Baldwin. Israel named a community in the Golan Heights after President Trump. The Brits jail truthers of Muslim grooming rape gangs, Germany is Germany and France is fucked. So what difference does it make?

INT. HOME
Wife
Forgot to tell you but I’m having lunch with Liz at her favorite restaurant in Chappaqua.
Do It All Dad
Don’t puke up your shrimp cocktail if Cankles waddles in.

Do It All Dad fakes barfing.
2 year old son laughs long time.

Memo to Dan Le Batard:
Jemele Hill called your President a Klansman. Baby Face Omar refuses to condemn Al Qaeda. Trump passed prison reform. Jim Brown got his back. You’re a mush brained, overrated, witless, Muslim Brotherhood endorsing hack.

Memo to Dan Le Betard Part 2:

President Trump has instigated a racial division in this country? No, Obama, academia, rape wood & ESPN hack blowhards did. Showcase any glimmers of cutting wit or new idea formation and I’ll give a shit about your opinion mang.

INT. BOOKSTORE
Worker
How are you?
Do It All Dad
Annoyed at random Grandmothers on the street vocally expressing their stupefied bemusement at how happy my 2 year old boy is compared to their sour puss seed.

INT. HOME
Wife
Forgot to tell you but I’m having lunch with Liz at her favorite restaurant in Chappaqua.
Do It All Dad
Give my best to Huma Licker Breath. Tell her tough shit about Lolita Express Stein being denied bail.

INT. HOME
Wife
Forgot to tell you but I’m having lunch with Liz at her favorite restaurant in Chappaqua.
Do It All Dad
Dining in Hillary Hammer Time Cankles country is less appetizing than Omar modeling in a Head and Shoulders commercial.

Send her back is actually a pro Jew chant, which I don’t see Baby Face Omar being pleased with anymore than her colleague AOC singing Beastie Boys at Karaoke by mistake.

INT. BAGEL SHOP-NY
DO IT ALL DAD
Baby Face Omar jokes are no go areas in bagel shops now? Good work though letting the Jew hater runt divide, conquer and occupy our alleged last safe space sanctuary to put as at ease.

Michael Kornbluth