Culture Slash

Hi Rachel,

Joshua Kornbluth here, IT Recruiter for the Human Edge. I screen for garbage personalities to trash. So don’t get all smarty pants on me because I only understand half the terms you’re talking about. React, Angular, front end, back end, it’s all code for nerd command language to me. I’m smart enough to sense a culture slash if a headless profile shot of Abdulah The Butcher is contacting me about a film editor position advertised on Monster.com who’s AVID cutting skills are endorsed by ISIS on LinkedIn.

I use LinkedIn Recruiter all day to hit on heady heads with brains still left in them. Is this job brain surgery? No, but I was wise enough to not trust the deep state controlled media by passing on the clot slot. Despite around the clock fear mongering , family fanning ridicule and job denied punishment for flipping the bird to the new world order full court press in my house. My highly developed sense of bullshit detection is NY bred, made in American USA. So take your bug on a stick Klaus Schwab and shove it up pedo Joe’s ass, you depopulation directing dick. Depress the dollar more by dragging out this war with the Ukraine. Whatever benefits the CCP or your Azov Nazis pals with a burning iron up Zelensky’s ass in case he finally ditches the army fatigues, throws in the towel and publishes Hunter’s petty cash deposits to bribe congressman to lower the legal age of consent called only Mongoloid Morons refrain from chatter bate sessions though Zoom with Christina Tightcoochie.com.

Culture Slash shreds on, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Deep Biting Masterpiece

December 7, 2022

Dear Allison Adler,

Florida and Anti-Semitism are so hot right now, which is why you need to give United We Laugh a chance. We can name our next book together Mitzvah Moves, after you become the number one champion of the most hardcore hilarious Headhunter Writer Comedian you haven’t heard of yet. Heart To Hearts, a one man show turned into book form about a Dad who keeps getting passed off to another of one of his Koshertarian Comedian kids while calling them from Union Square a week before Hannukah, ranting wildly into his smartphone while desperately trying to squeeze in some last minute heart to heart conversations with his favorite fans in the universe, while thinking he’s dying of a heart attack after getting disowned from his parents after coming out of the closet as a Gender Fluid Shemale Comedian on his Do It All Dad Year Podcast, that finally charts on Apple I-Tunes above Marc Maron since he became an unhinged, Big Pharma sucking, sell out hack hippie like the rest  could be a hardcore hilarious romp too.

But let’s make United We Laugh, an international best seller 1st, because we can all rally around the COVID con, including the fake news vaccine that works less than Russell Westbrook running the Triangle Offense or a stay at home COVID truther podcast comedian for the past 5 years. Who can still make fun of election fraud, because he doesn’t have a showbiz career to squander in the 1st place. Who resumes his IT Headhunting career in North White Plains to finance self-publishing his trifecta of masterpieces United We Laugh, The Koshertarian Comedians and Waste Of Height, Really Short Stories, if he can’t find a lit agent or NY based editor who doesn’t feel compelled to bow at the altar of World Cup worship and swelling displays of national pride since the day Democracy died. I rhyme funny too.

Your friends will love me in cocktail parties in Manhattan, guaranteed. United Laugh is a comedic showcase of jokes and imagined scenes post COVID damage done as the never-ending shit show rolls on. I’ve recorded and starred on 136 comedy records on SoundCloud over the past 14 months such as Stab The Clown, Lapping Losers and Do It All Dad Does China. John Lennon wished he was this productive during his stay-at-home dad years.

I think you’d be a strong champion of United We Laugh, because you produce titles with sardonic, fatalistic feeling such as HOW TO STAY PRODUCTIVE WHEN THE WORLD IS ENDING.

United We Laugh is my victory lap. Help me make my Do It All Dad Year come true. Carlin and Lenny Bruce would’ve called out bullshit to voting still mattering and certainly wouldn’t take the fake news vaccine, especially if the open borders Pope promoted it despite all the fentanyl snuck in through our borderless borders being responsible for killing more crackers in this country than Taylor Swift kicking it with Lena Dunham on Instagram. Doctors at Weill Cornell even laugh at that one and they push operation death speed to save the children from the made in Wuhan virus without batting an eye.

According to my SoundCloud stats, I’m huge in Lahore Pakistan and Brazil too. Wordcount for United We Laugh is 120,000 words. You want to sell a pop culture book that actually matters, that was made for these times? You got it. Let’s break the Internet together. Trumpy Poo Tits won’t know what hit him, Groping Biden included.

All My Best,

Michael Kornbluth

Jingle Bell Blues

It’s hard to refrain from yelling at your daughter when she questions your freedom to decorate your cubicle at work with a new David Wells Bobble Head Doll in Yankee pinstripes. Because she already likens my new IT Recruiter existence in North White Plains to a forced labor camp in Siberia.

You can decorate your own desk? She says with HR minded worry.

I snap back with.

I work in sales Matilda.

As long as I put up all-star numbers like David Wells, I can bring a voodoo doll of Hillary to work made in Haiti. And make fun of Carlos Santana for never calling Huma Licker Breath out for her dark, drunk on power energy. Even Harry Styles doesn’t have to do boomers in a dress for High Times Teen Beat to see whose full of shit, in this instance Carlos.

You see David Wells pitched a perfect game in 98 for the Yankees Matilda, which means he pitched a no hitter, and didn’t walk a single soul during an entire 3 hour game.

Why should you give a shit about that?

Because the accomplishment represents complete domination.

For me, a perfect game, represents the perfect placed pitch again and again, and that’s what it will take if I’m going to overpower, outmaneuver and outcraft my competition, despite claims of any schmuck in a headset capable of doing this job past Tuesday without being pulled 1st. Which will speed up the day, and result in me snagging enough home run candidates to pay for our fucking Spring Break in Jamaica. That’s why the Bobble Head Doll stays. Plus, it reminds me to stay loose, stick my head out from the crowd and showcase why New York bred personalities have bigger heads and pack more funky, filled bounce than the rest.

Although David Wells partying with Seth Meyers the night before pitching his perfect game yucks up this pitch perfect tale of immortal perfection a bit. 27 beers in Wells says, “Hey, Meyers, have I shown you my Babe Ruth tattoo yet? Your people aren’t allowed these right? Were you always against voter ID Seth? How else can you tell MS13 apart with all that shit on their face? Getting my wisdom teeth pulled reminds me of you on Weekend Update with Tina Fey, Seth. 2 seconds later, I’m yelling, “Doc, give me funnier laughing gas.” I bet you’re a pushover Jew who let’s your wife put up a tree without putting up a fight. Wife insists it’s a nondenominational tree like the one Henry Hill gets before he get’s caught selling coke behind Paulie’s back. Nonndemontional tree, it’s a Camaflouged Cross. I’m actually half Jewish on my mother’s side. How else could I tolerate all the smug, blah breath Hebrews in Toronto and Manhattan. My wife tried to pull that nondenominational shit too. She’d insist on how snowmen decorations have nothing to do with Christmas. Bullshit, gentiles culturally appropriated Winter. But you’re chosen to perfect punchier punchlines than Jackie Mason. And Dwight Gooden doesn’t hear last call from the bathroom stall during the Mets victory parade on Brooadway down the Canyon of Heroes.”

Jingle Bell Blues, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Manic Tuesday

The heat is cranked up in our office today. Or according to Kayne, the ideal oven temperature during the Holocaust.

Of course Black Friday was huge.
Its the only Recession special left.
And Chris Tucker has nothing left better to do.
Besides, make an cameo appearance in a Darren Aaronfsky film every 15 years if it doesn’t coincide with NBA all-star weekend. Assuming Dave Chapelle passed on the role 1st to defend Kayne in his latest and greatest Netflix special Praise Allah’s Gangsta Paradise, followed by Jesus Forgives No Bail Laws. Don’t front, they Jewish producers will stop counting their bitcoin to frisk Terry Crews at a media monopoly mixer at the drop of a dime.” So Terry, you know that thing you do with your tits. Would you put on a wig for that? I mean how many more Expendble films will Sly be allowed after sneaking Mel Gibson into Expendables 3? Ari Emannuel failed to Jew block that pic. He was too busy kissing Larry David’s ass when he wasn’t burning the master tapes that he owns for the Apprentice on top of a pile of MAGA hats at his private beach in Beggars Canyon to keep him from taking Curb Your Entusiasm to Newsmax. I better pat you down. Our Massad agent is taking a smoke break, relax. Terry Crews bolts the bash. Producer says, “Fine I’ll just use black Grinder to find an unvaccinated actor to Smash and Grab my ass.”

Michael Kornbluth

Got Rubbed?

Are some pedophiles harmless? Maybe, but you certainly question their self-control issues when the Mail Man rubs your 5 year old son’s Curls in front of you past 2 Mississippi. Especially, when your son Chosen Curls was bound to Woo looks like primo pin up material for Aryan Pedo Beat. I’ve never seen anything like this because I went to a Conservative Hebrew School growing up, that isn’t so pedo friendly progressive. The mail man rubbed my son’s head like it was a genie lamp, fully immersed in a Trance like state that’s a witness protection program for registered sex offenders. Who ratted out their dream maker priests stuck in Southie with nothing else better to do. Time came to a  screeching halt.  I wanted to step in between them but being an IT agency recruiter, I’m sensitive about cock blockers in HR. Plus, interrupting genie lamp wish time was new terrain for me. Eventually, I tug my kid away.  Because anything past 2 genie lamp rubs would’ve caused the Mail Man to go rub a dub douche in his pants. It didn’t matter though. By the blissed out look on his face you could tell his Christmas package came early. Afterwards, son says, “That was creepy Daddy. Does that mean Santa’s naughty list is fake news too?” Got rubbed? Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Fancy Feast Origin Story

All the cats from the 5 cat families had a meeting.

And Godmother Miss Kitty orders them to go on strike.

Fuck fair wages, we just want Fancy Feast for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Cat Ladies on the Upper West Side can get a second job as an Uber driver to offset Fancy Feast inflation fears.

Or else, it’s back to the back alleyways we stay.

Until broken cat ladies owners cough up the dough and pay.

Settling for shit stinks.

Resist that kink.

Forgoing fancy feasts makes me feel like a scuzzy cheat.

Like pretending not to detest hack breaths like Seth Meyers at your new job, which is a standing o feat.

Michael Kornbluth

Rocking Maron

8 billion later, you’d think Zelinsky could spring for a new shirt.

Now, I know why they call them army fatigues.

Biden won’t trade for Brittney Griner because he’s a dude.

He can’t tell if he just shat his pants again.

But Hair Plugs Sniffer can still sniff out a payback opportunity from 11 times zones away.

Flowers show whether your sorry or not.

A florist caught me staring.

She says, “Can I help you?”

I say, “I’m still deciding how sorry I actually am.”

I add, “Am I really sorry about sighing after my wife told me about blowing money on a cleaning service after only getting my LinkedIn Recruiter account installed at work on Friday? Wife says, “It shouldn’t make a difference to you. It’s leftover birthday money from my father.” “Yeah, well it’s definitely not from leftover commission money that I earned from you father’s H1-B referral when I started to work for Robert Half after he became a grandfather 2 times over. I would’ve had an easier time selling a Bollywood Musical to Mindy Kaling about a MAGA mom who launches a Desantis Bobble Head Doll business to pay for her daughter’s hate speech voice lessons called Midnight Bus To Martha’s Vineyard, than making a placement fee off that guy.”

Fuck Marc Maron for becoming a blowhard, sell out Hippy hack like the rest.

Triple vaxed Maron is like Neil Young minus the comedy gold records.

Because it’s hard not to laugh at Neil Young records these days.

When his idea of political activism these days, is bitching on Twitter about canceling the Joe Rogan Podcast.

Young, he’s a bigger stoner than you are dude.

He does DMT into forties for Christ’s sake.

So, let’s not act as if Rogan is conducting secret mind control experiments for the military industrial complex on broke trust fund babies in the sixties reduced to eating stray cats behind Poo Poo Porks on the backstreets of San Francisco.

So, Rogan interviewed a doctor on his podcast who said, “The vaccine works less than Obama does on his fade away jumper.”

Because if Obama was such a baller in high school, then why did he ride the bench at an all-Asian private school in Hawaii?

But seriously how much did Obama ruin everything, including Hawaii, the NBA and Marc Maron’s podcast career?

Roseanne Barr refuses to add hazel nut creamer to her coffee because of Obama now.

Since she got fired from her own show for making fun of Valerie Jarrett.

Who isn’t Corrett Scott King last time I checked.

She’s the Muslim’s Brotherhood’s dreamy love child, who cooked up the Nuke gifting Time Out Deal with Iran.

After pushing Obama Be Good to lift sanctions and grant Iran 2 billion dollars in unmarked bills to create more overseas manufacturing jobs for Build A Bear.

To make the Iranian economy less reliant on the sale of hair removal products for the Kardashians.

Valerie Jarrett only lived with Obama and What’s Talent Got To Do With It as their live in Arabian horse whisperer throughout his entire tenure of his anti-Israel administration, no big deal mang.

Shit, Obama hated Israel so much, he published Israel’s nuke launching codes on Medium, Al Jazeera Earth and on Illan Omar’s secret Gmail address used for her Muslim brotherhood ties at YourMamaObama@Gmail.com.

Obama ruined the NBA since it became a safe space for Lebron’s ego, which is extensions of Obama’s really, outside of him not tattooing on chiseled lats, “The Chosen One.” Who’s otherwise known as king of the persecution complex.

Who cares if Lebron got the idea of wearing a cast after Michelle threatened to break her arm in his ass, if he offered Beyonce Paul’.Newsman’s Lemonade over home homemade Kombucha again?

You know America has lost its rollicking edge when Steph Curry is on the cover of Rolling Stone, which is lamer than a young Cameron Crowe being on it.

If Steph Curry loses this year. Do you think Obama will scurry into his man cave in Martha’s Vineyard and console himself by munching on his secret stash of Almond Joy’s hid behind a giant box of Duct Tape from Costco?

Ever since Marc Maron interviewed Obama, he’s just become another unhinged Obama Be Good licker upper.

He never asked Obama.

What awards have you won that aren’t participation trophy ones?

Did you even win the Hawaiian Tropic Towel Boy competition in 86?

You couldn’t even win an Emmy on Netflix about climate change because Al Gore’s speaking career is still ice cold.

And why did you win the Nobel Peace Prize again?

All you did was rebrand ISIS, ISIL so they’d sound more startup friendly in the NY times.

That’s an Obama accomplishment to revolve a Presidential library with.

Eisenhower built highways and won the great war.

You ruined Hawaii, the NBA and my podcast career. You were so unlikeable towards the end; you made Trumpy Tits president like when all you did was fill in for the Messiah medium Jesus Freak from Connecticut in a Texas drawl and beat Mitt Romney’s power tie collection from Brooke’s Brother’s.

Last, my MAGA listeners left want to know.

Does Illan Omar text you what Toni Morrison to quote next on Twitter?

Let me guess.

Last time you said, “Don’t even think of quoting Ann Rice Omar. Living in the Big Easy doesn’t make you black enough bitch.”

Don’t you think baby face Omar gonna to work out is an antisemitic runt who doesn’t belong in Congress after marrying her cousin in exchange for US citizenship status?

How does she celebrate Holocaust Remembrance Day with your boy Farrakhan? Post termite Emoji feeds in Elie Wiesel’s old Twitter feed from dawn till night? But include the hashtag, “ButNataliePortmanisalright.

For the anniversary of Amy Winehouse’s death, did you push Illan Omar to tweet, “Something happened to a devil horn hiding, beehive sporting hypnotist Jew bitch, who exploited the great Palestinian Song Book for all it was worth.

Rocking Maron lives, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

New Work Banter

How are you doing today?

All of a sudden, I feel like Billy Madison reentering the workforce after being a stay-at-home dad during Covid.

Doing my best to block out how my wife tried to pack me a Quaker Dewy Chips bar for work.

But my father hates the term stay at home dad. He prefers Sheltered Bum.

Michael Kornbluth

Qatar Rocks

Can I move to Qatar? You don’t have to worry about getting your Android phone rammed up your anus hole outside of Grand Central at 2 in the morning. Then again, it’s my year without beer, so I wouldn’t be in a desperate dash to catch the last train heading back to Westchester.

Thug Lives Matter Most knocks out the lushy, disgruntled ad executive for Ogilvy and Mather with just one viscous right hook to the ground. Ad Executive crunched up on the sidewalk in noggin swelling agony says, “I can hook you up with a SAG card you know. Our biggest account is Optimum. All you need is proof of vaccination, and I’ll hook you up with commercial work for them. J.B. Smoove makes Tracy Morgan sound like Sidney Poitier.”

Thug Lives Matter kicks his teeth into the pavement and says, “Fuck Optimum, they won’t let me watch individual Knicks games on NBA TV in Yorktown Heights unless I subscribe to Optimum or get MSG through Direct TV. And I only do the Cloud motherfucker. Kayne for President, you media hording heeb. And fuck your Truvada commercials on Hulu. I don’t want to see that whack ass gay shit while babysitting my sister’s son during commercial breaks after Lego Masters. With no bail laws you can’t be in jail long enough to get HIV induced hemorrhaging now. It doesn’t matter if I sell dimes or bricks of H. “

So, you can’t tongue some random bloke’s balls during a match between Mexico and Poland during the World Cup. Aren’t those games standing room only anyway? Plus, what self-respecting gay guy would book a trip to Qatar after watching the Sex In The City movie, blotchy old hags on the rag with nothing else better to do since the United Arab Emirates and China bought up all the primo posh real estate left in Manhattan that’s skunk weed smell proof. Outside of those apartheid imperialists in charge of Israel, isn’t being gay the number one cause of death in the Middle East after suicide bombing and heart attacks from rock throwing paralysis after getting booster shots in exchange for more nudie pics of Jennifer Love Hewitt in the dressing room lot for Disney Kids coupled with Brittney Spears sandy clean snatch. Singing summer loving, having a blast till his good rock throwing arm goes limp from the clot shot and has to switch jerking with his left, assuming he’s got any juice left or decides to become a kite surf instructor for John Kerry and his new world order friends to pump that family fortune for all its worth.

Michael Kornbluth