I’m buying myself the book The Uncensored History of 80’s Rock. Bookstore owner says, “Would you like to be put on our list?” I said, “Not yet. I’m just getting this gift for myself the way I filled out my own Father’s Day Card last year.”
Waiting for Joe Biden to deliver a flub free, unifying speech is like waiting for Hunter to give up blow for blow painting fulltime.
His old school cokehead buds miss the good old days, getting tweaked in townie bars next to their dealer in Wilmington, Delaware, only hearing last call from the bathroom stall, only to utter, “Where’s Hunter man?” Oh, yeah, he’s spewing his white priveledge seed all up in some stripper’s fake news roped off snatch in the Champagne Room where only the high roller hacks roam.”
Hunter Biden texts found in his forgotten laptop reveal he was not only banned from the Chateau Marmont but wasn’t allowed to gather any of his belongings. My brother is banned from Talking Stick Casino in Arizona yet Hunter makes little bro come off as a major slacker and serial underachiever in comparison.
At the chocolate shop in Ridgefield, CT, I say, “I’ll take 3 of those chocolates.” I don’t want to perpetuate my dad’s tradition of playing blatant overt favorites or they’ll suffer from a lifetime of lingering resentment that no amount of yoga, prayer, or weed edibles can expunge from the depths of their slighted, impossible to recover from souls.”
When your dad says out loud in front of you, “I don’t know how were related.” It means he treats you like sloppy seconds for a reason.
I got my dad a joint for us to smoke together in Arizona after it became legal there because I thought we could bond over the all-star review for my book, The Great American Jew Novel. Dad says, “Yeah, I’m going to smoke this with my friend Nat in Vegas instead. And pops wonders why I seek laughs from strangers for a living.
Megan Rapinoe is partnering with Victoria Secret, which is totally on brand move for them to make. Can’t wait to sample their new line of edible shin guards that taste like hairy fish sticks.
If Megan Rapinoe runs for President, what’s going to be her campaign slogan? Bring back the L Word To Netflix Obama, your are only hope.
Is the purple haired tom boy look even a real life type or just a cry for attention because Olympic Soccer carries less cultural oomph in America than Orlando’s Blooms archery tips?
When Megan Rapinoe refused to take a knee, what point was she trying to make again? Pussy hat wearing lesbos are down with licking Nike’s ass no matter what.
Did Megan Rapinoe ever accuse Kaepernick of sporting a fake news fro backstage at the ESPYS’s? Have you ever seen a bi-racial afro that large before? Slash tried to grow out his fro and it was a total flop. At the same time, fake news fro takes selfies with Linda Sarsour who supports genital mutilation through supporting Sharia Law and Chelsea Manning’s run for senate. That’s like wearing a mutilated clit on your fro bro.
Eli Manning is still a bigger pimp than Brady in my book. He ruined his shot at a perfect season. Giselle was a Victoria Secret Angel, big deal. Now, she’s like 80 in model years. Plus, her uppity lisp isn’t winning her any popularity contests over Tyra Banks either. And why doesn’t anyone praise Terry Bradshaw as the best quarterback ever? Nobody aired it like out Bradshaw. Fine, that much he shares in common with Brady. I’ll give you that much.
I’m moving on out to Russia. You don’t have to worry about Global Warming blather from the local news. Putin defending the use of fracking wouldn’t cause a pussy riot online either. Putin trolls Greta Thunberg and tweets, @GreatThunberg, Fracking actually reduces CO2 emissions. Furry Brow tweets back, “So Neil Young is full of shit now?” Putin showcases a flash of Trumpian wit and fires back with “Neil Young doesn’t take showers to reduce his carbon footprint. So that much, you share in common babe. Why doesn’t Global Warming scare me Greta? Because Al Gore’s speaker has considerably cooled.”
Russians can still take a joke. Trump has ties to Russia. Duh, what mail order bride owner doesn’t? Plus, like the great Russian novelists such as Fyodor Dostoevsky, I prefer my comedy like my coffee, dark and bitter.
Also, you know BLM wouldn’t be allowed to harass patrons dining al fresco in St. Petersburg while slurping up some more Caviar soup. Putin’s so tough, he could snap your neck by just staring at it topless on a horse in the country.
Like Honest Abe said, “I’d rather live in Russia than in a place that lives under the pretense of loving liberty”, the way America does today. But Biden wants our family members and neighbors to rat out Trump supporters over white supremacist concerns because we don’t live by the creed, In Fuck Face Fauci We Trust. Nor are we inclined to believe in objective science anymore, after learning how every past prominent scientist in this country decried the Wuhan lab leak has a conspiracy theory because they didn’t want to be branded as a fake news white supremacist like the rest.
Putin actually said the name of the unarmed, American veteran Ashley Babbitt who was shot in cold blood in the Capital Building after the Stop The Steal Rally, which is more than Trumpy Poo ever mustered the courage to do.
Putin poisons his political opponents. Well, that’s better than pushing a non FDA approved vaccine on your Trump hater supporters that’s leading to more complications than election fraud audit reveals in the great free state of Arizona.
Putin poisons his political opponents. Like doxing ICE agents, immigrants from El Salvador who speak to the NY Times about MS-13, or any moms on Facebook who dare to criticize critical race theory as race divisive bullshit is any different?
Putin poisons his political opponents. Big deal, the blowhard dullard hack would’ve gotten liver cancer at some point anyway. I bet you Putin doesn’t have a fuck up druggie son who creamed in his dead brother’s wife seconds after the cremation ensued. Plus, Putin would never allow the drug cartels from Mexico or communist killers from China to push more Fentanyl through our southern border, that’s killed more crackers in this country than Taylor Swift kicking it with Lena Dunham on Instagram.
Russian journalists today know more about nationalistic pride than terrorist siding pieces of shit liars at the NY times. Who shamelessly pushed golden showers tales about Trump and Russian hookers with less legs than Lieutenant Dan. Plus, no Russian Journalist would ever be dumb enough to believe Trump hired a couple of Russian Hookers to pee on each other at his hotel room in St. Petersburg because he’s a notorious Germaphobe. Especially knowing how Trump could hire a bunch of Ivanka lookalikes to pee on each other at his Trump International Hotel in Washington D.C, whenever he likes. I’m also positive Melania can talk dirty to him in Slovenian whenever, wherever, wearing nothing but a mink hat from Spies Like Us.
Hate filled leftist retards don’t exist in Russia and would never feel morally exalted over anybody by breathlessly slinging endless bullshit enshrouded lies about election interference by the Russians, that made Drago pop out of various voting booths in predominately blue states, issuing life or death ultimatums such as, “Vote Trump or I’ll break you. If you die, it’s your fault for not believing in Holograms.”
Russia would never allow the construction of a George Floyd statue to prove thug lives matter. Especially when 2 billion dollars worth of property damage, and thousands of businesses destroyed for 6 months straight was designed to scare the Supreme Court to ever rule in the favor of law and order ever again.
Last, Billy Joel is the 1st to crowd surf at a concert in Russia before Eddie Vedder ever did. I’m not saying you can’t find a better country than Russia. But America is light years from acheiving Nirvana ever again. Wake me whenever this neverending shit show ends.
New York City is reopened again. Cuomo declares victory. He killed off the greatest city the world has in only 15 months flat.
Steven A. Smith claims Durant is the best player to represent New York. Be a more transparent kiss ass Smith. Millennial Mouseketeers would’ve gotten stomped to death in the vastly more rough and tumble era of the eighties NBA. The suffocative defensive play by the Bad Boys, X Man, The Pacers, Kevin Willis and Charles hard as oak Oakley wouldv’e torn Durant’s pipe cleaner arms off like he was the black Gumby. Durant isn’t an actual Playground legend from Brooklyn like Bernard King either. Bernard King was the black Larry Bird on steroids with Rocky’s eye of the tiger snarl in Rocky 2. Who ripped the rim off the fucking basket while going coast to coast like Westbrook on Adderall with far greater chest puffing huffing ease.
Refusing to vote is giving up on America. No, avoiding Voter ID to cheat again is. I forgot. Calling out election fraud is the big lie like humanization being the religion of peaceful Palestinian protestors for hire. Which reminds me, an all Muslim girls prom was just held in Detroit. The prom was like mine, pork free.
I hope nobody votes in America ever again. So, politicians who let Democracy die under their watch without making a peep will feel like emptier imposter do good helpers at Harvard Club than normal till their last, scotch stench filled breath.
Is Baby Face Omar the new face of Banana Republic yet? To model their the new line of casual antisemitism footwear that comes with a complimentary Israeli doormat to boot.
Actually, the Supreme Court gave up on America when they refused to look into the case of election fraud that was more blatant than Jill Biden’s varicose veins with no panty hose on in front of the Queen, who offers stiff competition in that department with her panty hose on in person.
Eric Clapton’s famous music friends like Steve Winwood are avoiding him like the plague now since he opened up about partial paralysis after his 2nd COVID jab. Back on his high horse again with chompers like that. Dear Alexa, play me any song by Cream, Clapton or Derek and Dominoes to make me happy. It’s too bad Steve Winwood isn’t cracking anybody’s top 100 pleasure playlist either.
Nobody has died from the COVID jab. What about boxer legend The Marvelous Marvin Hagler? Oh yeah, MSN debunked the conspiracy theory already despite Tommy Hearns claiming the murderous jab put him out for the count more than his combinations ever could.
I made a COVID jab pinkie swear when my parents asked me to get vaccinated for their behalf. But my father’s shoulders collapse, whenever I go in for a hug for old times sake since I came out as a Trump supporter. Plus, my parents are vaccinated, which grants them immunity from the virus allegedly. So at this point, what difference does it make? Hillary Hammer Time Cankles strikes again. Thank you very much.
Do kids in China count bats when they have a hard time staying awake for finals?
Why didn’t you get your vaccination shot yet? Because I don’t have a job at
Salesforce to go back to. Nor am I a CCP controlled pawn of the US military. Plus,
if I wanted to join the Army now, I wouldn’t be accepted in it because my
shemale search history on YouPorn.com, means I’m against Sharia law and genital
mutilation, which isn’t gay enough for Mayor Pete’s butt plug tastes.
Why haven’t I gotten the vaccine yet? Because I don’t light up with joy
at the prospect of wearing a sticker that says, “Just Vaccinated”, in
case you think I’m on Trumpy Poo’s side now to.
Why haven’t I gotten the vaccine yet? Because if shriekish leftist fuck-wads
didn’t have their heads so high up their ass, they’d be able to see, they’re
not the only ones allowed to resist.
Why haven’t I gotten the vaccine yet? Because the pediatrician for my 3 kids
told me to get one and he thinks Biden won fair and square. Yeah, and Hunter
loves giving up blow for blow painting.
If Biden got the most votes in US history, President Trump is allergic to
high end trim.
Why did Biden get more votes than Obama doc? Because Mr. Groper looks like
a more virile Jimmy Carter in Aviators.
School nurse sent my kid home today because he coughed BULLSHIT. After his friend
Hobbs, insisted he got COVID from watching a Trump Rally last year on Fox News.
I hate to see Biden in his diaper mask. It feels like the CCP dumped a
septic tank in my mouth.
Doctor asks me “How do you think your son could’ve gotten COVID?” before the
test results came back. I said, “We looted a Target in Minneapolis for George
Floyd Appreciation Day. But don’t worry doc, we stole all the masks we could
find. So, we could throw a Burning Mask Party in style, on July 4th to be exact,
to light a fire under any patriotic verve Lady Liberty has left.
Good for John Stewart for insisting the made in Wuhan virus originated in the Wuhan respiratory Coronavirus Lab. Although, I’d be asking too much for Stewart to claim masks don’t prevent you from getting the virus. Just like Colbert hiding behind his Bill O Reilly schtick didn’t prevent him from catching the funny Jew bone bug from his former boss through sheer osmosis, especially after he became unmasked as a sellout, propagandist shit bag hack for kissing Bat Shit Crazy Pelosi’s ass like the rest.
I hate run-on sentence critics. It’s not my fault your slow and can’t keep up with my gender fluid flow.
Critical Race Theory is bullshit. Guaranteed money in the NBA, regardless of injury, is so oppressive.
The Muslim Sisterhood in congress don’t have an issue amplifying their voices in America either Jack.
Howard Beal was killed in the movie Network over lousy ratings. CNN’s worst nightmare come true.
British accents are unwelcome intrusive like Boris Johnson’s wife staring in my general direction.
Does Triple AAA offer ANTIFA roadblock assistance because the Proud Boys will do it free of charge?
Night screams mean you care about living. Or else you wouldn’t be afraid of dying before making it.
New York will come back, but everybody has left, except Free Palestine protestors and The Halal Guys.
Forcing kids to wear muzzles is wrong. Boris Johnson’s wife at the G-7 summit, not so much.
Jill Biden is a tacky, small town ho. Biden wears her panty hose when he can’t find his mask.
Masks are the new condoms only because I can’t cum in my wife wearing one either.
99 percent of people survive COVID yet Fuck Face Fauci, AKA, Dr. Gnocchi pushed endless lockdowns and triple masking of our kids while acting as if COVID depresses your immune system more than entry into the Dallas Buyers Club.
Hydroxychloroquine can increase your survival rate by 200 percent. What’s up with that study Doc?
Still, Dr. Fauci used his power to block the use of it. He’s Dr. Kevorkian in reverse.
Biden is donating thousands of free COVID vaccines to Africa like a poor man’s Bill Gates who can’t code for shit either.
Sanctuary cities is encouraged lawlessness on crack.
1 kid only means, your diaphragm is for walls after all.
I’m against unlimited immigration because I’m not a proud member of the rapist enablement party.
If calling Baby Face Omar, a Jihad loving runt cunt, makes me alt-right, then I’m alright with that.
Where were you when Fox stopped counting the ballots? Thanking God JFK didn’t die for nothing. Yeah, me to.
IBM made technology to identify Jews for Nazis. Watson Supercomputer says, “No shit Sherlock.”
My mom texts me Happy Father’s Day on the wrong day. Her happiness for me knows no bounds.
Boris Johnson’s wife, woof, woof needs water breaks, not my son 2 minutes into basketball practice.
My wife wants me to get COVID to say, “You should’ve worn a mask going down on MAGA mom.”
Trump Won signs at MLB is my new favorite American pastime, after telling Lebron to go woke himself long-time.
The Mueller Report court hearing proved what again? Mueller parts his hair with gritty, elbow grease.
Did Drago pop out of your voting booth and demand, “Vote Trump or I’ll break you?”
When the Statue of Liberty went dark. I bet DeBalsio forgot to pay the Con Ed bill on time again.
I hate the term helping others, unless you’re applying for a job that says help wanted.
Maintaining relationships is overrated among those who think Mr. Groper won by a hair alone.
My son is going to trade school to become a landscape artist. Because NYC will have to start from Ground Zero at this rate. Or he could become a furniture designer within his own private studio and avoid charges of sexual harassment because he’ll design his own state of the art safe space for jerking off. Or he could become a programmer and work remote unlike those software engineers who were charged with sexual harassment pre-COVID, despite them leaving the impression that they were too busy banging out new code to hit on girls anyway. Plus, I thought only ugly girls went to coding boot camp. Also, don’t programmers wear those yenta breath noise canceling headphones at work for a reason. Last, the typical Pearl script command isn’t, “Massage my carpel tunnel ho.”
My daughter’s 4th grade teacher just made her classroom writer tutor. Parenting matters to.
This is Jeff Ross roasting Jay Z in the VIP Room after the Super Bowl. Don’t you think child separation is overrated Jigga? I mean, look how you turned out. And if Coco was never separated from his parents, he never would’ve become a mini Los Lobos in the making. Why did Beyonce sit out the National Anthem Jay? Let me guess. Devin Lovato singing the national anthem sounded too much like the white privileged version of Alabama Shakes. Remember when your boy Lebron got the idea to wear cast after Michelle threatened to jam her arm up Obama’s ass if he ever offered Beyonce a glass of Paul Newman’s Lemonade over her homemade Kombucha again? Did you try Snoop’s wine yet? Wine Advocate said it tastes like mouthwash used in Porn Hood Hell. This is my impersonation of Dr. Dre and Eminem discussing the merger between Microsoft and LinkedIn. Hey, Slim. Microsoft paid 4 billion for LinkedIn. Worrddddddddddddd! LinkedIn is lamer than ever yoh. Trump has ties to Russia. No shit, what mail order bride owner, doesn’t it?