Dear David Mamet

Guns don’t kill people if the FBI actually had a school shooting quota to fulfill. As if their pensions, book deals and shooting the shit time with Jack Tapper were riding on it.  The FBI should be banned from Starbucks, if they don’t follow up on the next school shooter lead. Coffee should be for closers, not for fake news do good posers, in FBI windbreakers.  David Mamet lives. Can I get a holla, for some Challah?  

Writers like you, Ayn Rand and Charles Bukowski have helped inspire me to make a semi enviable living off the page, so thank you. Or else I never would’ve received the pure thrill of writing The Great American Jew Novel, a midlife reinvention comedy tale about a Bashert daughter who becomes her unemployed dad’s talent agent to help make his do it all dad year come true. Diane Sullivan from the Midwest Book Review said, “The Great American Jew Novel exceeds in a hilarious New York exploration of the world of comedy and Jewish culture”, which isn’t a chopped liver praise for laugh yanker centric intended material either.

I’m contacting you because you’re only the only super Jew left in the biz who doesn’t suffer from Trump Derangement syndrome for starters, which has somehow gotten worse since the day Democracy died. It was impossible for me to block out your book The Wicked Son, when I was attending a reformed synagogue service in Ridgefield, CT, where my son Arthur Morrison Kornbluth, had his Hebrew naming ceremony prior. I chose the name Jermiah, because Muslims are cool with that Jewish prophet and I wanted to provide my son with natural immunity against charges of Islamophobia, in case of any his future woke classmates listen to any of my 31 comedy records posted on Soundcloud, inundated with various sparkling gems such as, “A 2 state solution is impossible, if Hamas keeps fucking.” Don Rickles lives. Challah, thank you very much.

I thought of your take on the Sunday Bacon Jews, because the woke rabbi in Ridgefield, CT, who sold his soul to the P.C police used expressions like Trumpism and dared to use COVID and the Holocaust in the same sentence. As a result, I wrote a last-minute chapter addition about this experience, which lead me to a Conservative synagogue in White Plains NY the following day, for my new book The Koshertarian Comedians, which is a story about getting my children excited about embracing the Koshertarian diet from the more laughs and yummy dances I get. Various agents have praised the heartfelt funny in the book, but it’s more than just a stand-up yuk attack to. 

I know you can’t read any unsolicited material, so I’m being sneaky Jewy about it and sharing with you my favorite comedy record recorded this summer, The Koshertarian Offensive Attack, to prove you’re not the last self-loving Jewish New Yorker at heart after all. A comedy manager referral, preferably a Jewish one with balls, who could embrace a practicing Koshertarian Comedian who’s never shied away from a good Hillary Hammer Time Cankles joke, would make a great early Hannukah gift to.

Best Always,

Michael Kornbluth

Do It All Dad Does Radio City

At Costco, Karen screams, “Wear the damn mask.” I say, “Not until you suck the hate speech and white privilege out of my chosen schlong first. But I’ll make it easier for you Karen because I’m a giver, and not another greedy heeb like Bernie Sanders. Pretend Obama ordered you to leak it.  Vermont should change their state motto from the Green State to CBD Oil Only. Bernie Sanders couldn’t even make Vermont great for potheads on vacation. Cuomo getting paid to write a book about leadership is like Woody Allen getting a book advance to write about a book about hands off parenting. If Google doesn’t manipulate search research results and actively censor right wing favoring content. Then, why is it harder to find positive mentions of hydroxychloroquine on Google, than it is to find a film blogger on Rotten Tomatoes who called the Irishman underrated? Also, is it me, or does Robert Dinero on the View these days, look like Betsy Ross falling apart at the seams? Masks prevent you from getting COVID. Yeah, and Joy Behar is the new Chief Happiness Officer for Breitbart. Dave Chappelle says black people have always wore masks in America. Stop acting like the Kardashians care about unmasking the size of Ben Simmons basketball IQ in the 1st place player. And if Obama is such a baller Chappelle, then why did he ride the bench at an all-Asian private school in Hawaii? What’s really hilarious Dave, is how your boy Lebron, America’s Most Hunted, AKA, King of The Persecution Complex, got the idea of wearing a fake news cast during the NBA Finals after Michelle Obama gave him the idea to do it, after she threatened to jam her arm up Obama’s ass if he ever offered Beyonce Paul Newman’s Lemonade over her homemade Kombucha ever again. And stop fronting Dave, you know Obama, not Trump is the one who loves Hitler. Obama wishes he was that organized. Mass extermination of every hook-nosed journalist, blogger or vlogger from Breitbart who dared to criticize his nuke gifting deal to Iran, would be a gas. I think my brand of weed, must make me more paranoid than Drama Queen Diaries. Obama Be Good  gave Iran 1.5 billion dollars to create overseas manufacturing jobs for Build a Bear, to make their economy, less reliant on the sale chest hair removal cream for the Kardashians. Just read about an all-Muslim girl prom in Detroit. So, the prom was like mine, pork free. Does Dave Chappelle do a bit in new act to prove he isn’t a black supremacist by posing the type of tweet Baby Face Omar would send on the anniversary of Amy Winehouse’s death to appease Democratic reps in congress who don’t like Israel being compared to Hamas? Like, “Something happened, to a beehive sporting, devil horn concealing, parasitical Jew bitch, who exploited the great Palestinian Songbook for all it was worth?”  If Dave Chappelle had the balls to say to his fellow brothers in the struggle to stop resisting arrest, all lives matter, wouldn’t be the new n word. Can I get a holla for some Challah?” It’s not my fault, I’m a funnier black Carlin than Chappelle could ever be. I was blessed with the supreme powered funnier Jew bone for a reason. Offended yet, then go woke yourself? Holla, thank you very much. Last, memo to the NY Times, if you fire 4000 rockets into Israel’s backyard. Don’t expect an edible arrangements gift basket in return, with a thank you note written in Farsi. I can’t work after sunset, Jewish God’s rules, but I’ll leave you with one final nugget of comedy gold for the road to prove I’m not greedy heeb or that Vince Vaughn isn’t the only big-headed asshole who’s louder than Busta Rhymes at a midnight showing of Higher Learning. If Joe Biden, AKA, Mr. Groper, got the most votes in US history, even more than your precious Obama Be Good, Chappelle. Then, Michelle Obama regretted pissing on the ceiling fan in the Lincoln Bedroom before Trump’s inauguration. Later that night, The Donald comments to Melania, “Is this what she-hulk meant, when she he said, when they go low, we aim high?” Joan lives. Thank you very much.  Michael Kornbluth

 

Dr. Seuss Is Tony Robbins For Kids

Dr. Seuss’s illustrations are steeped in harmful stereotypes they say. But I don’t recall him drawing a picture of BLM protestors looting the Gucci store, who refuse to pay.

Dr. Seuss drew a picture of a topless African in a grass shirt. He’s a racist then, it’s set. But I didn’t know Fubu was in fashion yet.

Has anybody complained about the hooked nosed, Goblin Bankers in Harry Potter yet? You know Mel Gibson was overjoyed with that movie set. Did JK Rowling, think, I’m hiring Mel Gibson as the set designer on my flick, Mel being a throbbing Jew hater dick, makes him my automatic number one pick.

What if I don’t care for Green Eggs and Ham? This means what, I hate the Irish race and refuse to play beer bong with them at such a rapid fire pace? Or does it mean, I insist on watching Irish movies with subtitles because of the funny way they sound, while also refusing to unfold my arms and dance in junior high to more Jump Around?

Dr. Seuss drew pictures of Asians eating with chopsticks, how sick. It’s worse than drawing a picture of Cardi’s B dropping chopsticks into her cum bucket, full of other forgotten stuffing’s in there like a lost lost chicken nugget.

What happens in the book, And To Think I Saw It on Mulberry St? Did Sonny and his crew beat up a bunch of rowdy bikers on the street, because they sprayed beer on the bartender and should’ve stuck to ordering their drinks neat? Wait a minute that happened in the Bronx Tale. American made mafia tales about the working man can’t be beat. I only wish Chazz Palminteri’s acting career, still packed so much heat.

Dr. Seuss is the Tony Robins for kids, who continues to inspires millions of kids to keep fighting for their dreams, instead of recommending they watch, 13 Reasons Why, whenever they feel their lives are falling apart at the seams.

Dr. Seuss was right. There is fun to be done and games to win. Just stop playing the victim, give Twitter a time out or just dump your tablet into the trash bin.

Michael Kornbluth