Tag: Israel

Losing Passions

by doitalldadyear, posted in entertainment, poetry, writing

Why can’t you criticize Billy Crystal without being deemed a bad Jew?

Just because he plays a curmudgeonly asshole comedian in Mr. Saturday Night?

Despite Jewish law prohibiting you from working during the Sabbath during your ordained day of rest?

If you want to get rid of your kids, start reading The Webster All-In-One Dictionary and Thesaurus 15 minutes before their school bus arrives.

Suddenly, I felt like Moses parting the Red Sea.

You want to make the earth move.

Start reading your kids, The Webster All In One Dictionary and Thesaurus.

My kids sprinted for the door like a bat made in Wuhan with Racoon rape rabies was on their tail.

They parted with their Nintendo Switches faster than Juno sliced off her tits.

One night, my youngest son asks, “Daddy, who’s Moses? I say, “A stuttering Jew who came through.”

Another night, my wife said, “The Bible is meant to be interpreted as Metaphorical.” I say, “Then, why are you being anal about ass play again?”

I devised a new tradition for Hannukah to instill Jewish pride among my kids called Hannukah Hat-Trick.

When you get 3 gifts for one night of Channukah, it doesn’t matter if they’re all big Kahuna gifts; you yell, “Hannukah Hat-Trick, Challah. Thank you very much.”

My wife expressed concern about my new tradition because I’m still so broke my Hebrew name is under Judicial Review.

My wife says, “Don’t get crazy with the gifts this year.” I say, “Whatever, Gentile Grinch.”

Losing passions, Challah. Thank you very much.

One year for Christmas, my in-laws got my daughter a toy chest with no toys in it.

I told my daughter.

Don’t worry, Matilda.

We have eight thousand Hannukah gifts to fill it up with.

But Billy Crystal doesn’t think Hannukah is a sexy holiday.

What’s sexy about Christmas, Billy?

Doesn’t it celebrate a virgin birth through immaculate conception?

The only thing getting fisted over Christmas is a breast-heavy Turkey.

We’re sexualizing religious holidays now.

Look, I lived in West Hollywood for three years.

Plus, I did a comedy record called Funny Enough Fagala, which means ass on fire in Yiddish.

But I’m not fretting about the absence of sexy in Hannukah like I did when living in Park Slope.

Which famed writer Norman Mailer once called “The most secure place on earth for pampered Jewish pussies to live.”

Hannukah isn’t sexy, Billy.

Unless I got enough gunk left to pump on Gina Gershon’s tits after eight miraculous hump-heavy nights, I agree, Billy.

But I’m not bending over backward to dump my Jewish identity for a Christmas Tree to feel less overtly Jewy pushy annoying around Gentiles during the holiday season.

Besides, when Gentiles see a Christmas Tree, they see a Christmas Tree.

When Jews see a Christmas Tree, they see a Camouflaged Cross.

Growing up, my dad said, “Son, Jews don’t buy Christmas Trees. Unless the plan is to convert it into a Treehouse and flip it for a profit.”

I just learned that Moses sought God’s advice after his daily power hike at the top of Mount Sinai, only for God to whip out his ten commandments on the spot. And demand, “Complain about getting Carpel Tunnel while transcribing these commandments into stone despite you being a little rusty on Hebrew. And I’ll hire your assistant Joshua to finish you off and the job for you, Kapeesh.” 

That must have been a shocker.

Moses wanted advice on marrying outside the tribe without being condemned as a polytheistic whore.

Are you going to tell me Moses never developed a surging stiffy at the sight of Prince Hakeem’s bathers in ancient Babylonian Times 6 degrees separated from Cleopatra’s burning bush?

After Alexander bursts through his lamb skin condoms giving her every STD in the book, including Homio Erectus of The Pelvis Bone.

Self-hating Jews, half-Heeb crazy or not, who bend over backwards to adopt Christmas Traditions to fit in, are gay. 

That’s like changing your Alexa voice from the dronish, deeper baritone monotone of Scarlett Johanson’s voice between estrogen throat blocker treatments in exchange for Julie Andrews.

In Billy Crystal’s Autobiography, “Jewish Yuck,” he also says, “There is a reason Norman Rockwell never painted a Jewish family dinner.” Because nobody could ever sit still from complaining with their arms too much. Or was it because Aunt Hilda’s armpit stains after working the double at Ratner’s were too off-putting for William Randolph Hearst’s readers? There is a reason Norman Rockwell never painted a Jewish family dinner. Maybe, because he’d never be fucking invited.

Didn’t Norman Rockwell paint pictures of roasting Yamaka’s over an open fire on Easter to add color to his dry-as-toast company chatter?

Good ham this year Julie. You showed those Lubavitch Jews what they’re missing for sticking with God’s old-school commandments over our do-over book, according to John the Baptist. Who’s John the Baptist again? And did he start housing pulled pork sandwiches once his boy Jesus declared all pork products Kosher? I wonder what lead Jesus to give his dad the giant the f you rebuke on that law. Did his friends goad him into doing it? Jesus, how much fucking Falafel can one man eat without turning into a moderate Muslim homemaker, assuming you go easy on the chili paste. Those pomegranate molasses Koshertarian Wings are a bit fruity-forward for my tastes. And I don’t want to give our less tolerant Muslim neighbors any freaky Fagala ideas. Jesus says, “But Muslims don’t eat pork, Joseph.”

Joseph says, “Yeah, but that’s just because Islam is culturally appropriating the shit out of Judaism. I’m supposed to believe their great Muhammad, their Islamic Moses, ascended to Heaven on a winged donkey from Mount Sinai only after Muhamad made Jihad, child sex trafficking, and rape Kosher in Allah’s gangster paradise.

But I’m supposed to believe Jesus, who was celebrating Passover during his Last Supper, decided to break free from dietary Kosher restrictions out of the blue, all of a sudden, just because the Romans opened up a Stromboli stand in the old city to test the faith of those true believers who later got tortured to death during the Inquisition for refusing to partake in Tapas served with acorn-fed prosciutto. The Spanish Jewish Prisoner moans, “How much per pound? Way too pricy; Kosher Salami poached in Christian baby blood is my cup of tea. Jews aren’t known for being real heavy drinkers, either. Who has room for heavy Spanish Reds after another spirit cooking dinner at Hillary’s palace? Hillary Hammer Time Cankles strikes biblical lore with relentless precision.

Losing passions, Challah. Thank you very much.

How do I feel about joining a Jewish Synagogue today?

Lukewarm, only to learn that an orthodox Rabbi at a nearby Synagogue in Yorktown Heights quotes form the same NPR news feed my wife subscribes to.

What’s it like being married to an atheist gentile?

Annoying, especially when your wife throws a toy train at your head after you nudge her to tell her parents that we’ve had Hebrew naming ceremonies for all three of our kids already.

I try to empathize.

Babe, I love anyone who loves God, who doesn’t want to kill me for being half Heeb crazy.

The only difference between Gentiles and Jews is that the chosen people don’t buy into Jesus being the Messiah.

A rotating door of Karen types yelling at me to wear a damn mask at the Kosher Butcher doesn’t sound like peace on earth.

Wear the damn mask.

Suck the hate speech out of my chosen schlong first, Karen.

Pretend NPR ordered you to leak it.

What’s it like raising Jewish kids without sending them to Hebrew School?

Easy, we do Shabbat prayers every Friday night.

I’ve involved them in my comedy act while writing the book The Koshertarian Comedians.

And laugh hysterically at the sight of my son Chosen Curls giving a flying elbow drop on top of our Christmas Tree that Mama bought against our wishes again.

Plus, I experience zero regrets whenever I yell at my wife for decorating our house with non-denominational Gnomes for three months leading up to December again.

I hate Gnomes.

They look like Santa’s cut-off Trust Fund Babies on Social Security.

What’s it like having dinner with my in-laws over Grace?

A time to channel my inner Kid Rock, as I say, Amen, I say Amen while being a sneaky Heeb about it because they have no idea I’m imitating Kid Rock on Rock and Roll Jesus. 

Once, my daughter admitted to lip-syncing Grace after my mother-in-law forced my 3 Jew blood-tainted kids to receive Eucharist, a Ukrainian communion without my approval.

But right now, you’re thinking.

But Zelensky is Jewish.

He had his two kids baptized.

So that’s like saying Jihadi John is Jewish.

Don’t Jihadists ever tire of pubescent dent-free trim?

Don’t they have enough blood on their hands already?

What was it like growing up with a Southern mother who converted to Judaism?

Weird, especially the time when she’d reveal her southern belle side.

Mom says, “Kentucky is known for horses and pretty women.

I say, Mom, keep your sundress on. Before you tell me, Dad is bigger than Man-O-War.

The number of Jews is declining because so many are assimilating or pulling out early from excessive meat sweats.

Michael Douglas wants to connect other Jews to faith.

Maybe, start with condemning Rabbis who use COVID, Trumpism, and the Holocaust in the same sentence over the High Holy days and will talk.

Trump was the best friend Israel ever had.

And Israel discarded him like trash in exchange for Hair Plugs Sniffer.

Who only cares about brownie sniff-offs, arming a nuclear Iran again, punishing MAGA country for electing Trumpy Poo Tits twice, and depressing the US Dollar more than Zelensky’s coke dealer since he declined his Dark Money Discover Card.

Maybe, have a Rabbi who admits to his congregation.

Obama’s the one in love with Hitler.

Obama wished he was that organized.

Exterminating any big-mouth Jewish critic who dares to criticize his thug’s lives matter most rhetoric and nuke gifting to deal to Iran would be a gas.

Losing Passions, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Happy Birthday Israel

by doitalldadyear, posted in humor, storytelling, writing

Yesterday, I got a cake for the last night of Hanukkah. On it I had them write Happy Birthday Israel.

God appreciates the gesture, especially on Jesus Christ’s birthday. It’s not fair that God gets lop-sided love on Jesus’s birthday. Doesn’t the Old Testament guilt us to death into honoring thy father and mother? And all money shot good stems from God’s do it all tree trunk. Happy Birthday Israel, Challah. Thank you very much.

I don’t want God to feel like the sloppy second son on Jesus’s birthday. Nobody takes a week off from work for God’s birthday. And on Hannukah, practicing Jews left, honor Jewish pride in honor of God being on their side. I tell my kids, “The last night of Hanukkah celebrates faith in Hashem the Most-High for inspiring his band of Maccabees to fight for every inch of their great Temple defiled by those Greco Roman Polytheistic whores. King David’s line of cosmic perfectionists have more of a booty call relationship with God, who only call him up for some hook up love whenever they’re in the mood to pray. Assuming they have some bitcoin to short before the next crypto kid gives Bernie Madoff a good run for his money.” Happy Birthday Israel, Challah. Thank you very much.

God. the original old G prevails in my heart and in our Jewish loving home, which makes every day Hannukah Day. Happy Birthday Israel, Challah. Thank you much.

Gloomy in the corner is cheapness on Christmas. “Thanks for the socks, Bell. Now, I can postpone laundry for another week. And you wonder why my son wants to punch Santa hard in the stomach.”

Son confronts Santa at the mall.

“Where are my ice skates Santa? You don’t have my size in the North Pole? But I’m not any bigger than your average Elf. Plus, Biden would never pull this shit with Zelensky. Zelensky gets a blank check from Uncle Sam for Christmas. And all I get is half baked truths about you running out of my size due to supply chain issues. Now, I know why Hanukkah Harry calls Santa the real cheapskate. But thanks for the Fisher Price toy chest with no toys in it. I’ll fill it up with my eight thousand Hannukah gifts.”

Happy Birthday Israel, Challah. Thank you very much.

I don’t like kids in Steph Curry jersey’s, unless they’re mom won Miss Washington Heights.

Or was hot enough 5 years ago to charge the price of Hamilton Tickets for some high-end Chlamydia.

I only want kids from the Bay area sporting Steph Curry Jersey’s, because chances are; they’re not bandwagon fans.

And those mini ballers on the rise, know what’s it’s like to high step over shit throughout the streets for San Francisco.

When will Penn State Alumni realize how sporting their school colors in public is in poor taste?

There’s nothing vague about taking showers with disadvantaged black kids in the shower on Penn State grounds.

Paterno and crew failed to call cock block interference with the school’s integrity on the line.

So, to still wear your Penn State hoodie in public means you’re siding with the rape enablement, open borders party. It’s like whipping around a ladle on Halloween used from a spirt cooking class taught at 92 street Y, signed by Hillary Hammer Time Cankles.

Is wearing a Penn State Windbreaker to Cracker Barrel after Church on a lazy Sunday afternoon equivalent to blitzing Fat Albert from behind? After he’s already weak in the knees from wind sprints for Kit, Kat’s, no.

I hate to be excessively judgmental on Jesus’s birthday. But I’d chuck the Penn State hoodie already. Would you wear a priest collar in public if you didn’t have to?

Fuck the MAGA hat, the Penn State hat is the real symbol of white supremacy. Those poor black kids who got felt up in the shower by Sandusky didn’t get paid like the Neverland kids. The judge awarded 52 million to those victim’s families. And that was after the parents got paid hush money with green cards, houses and diamond encrusted bracelets. Those Neverland white kids got a splashy doc on HBO with big billboards on Times Square throughout Fake News Black History Month. What did Sandusky’s victims get? Stiff arm talk from Al Pacino while playing Joe Paterno on HBO?

“Those kids never had so it good. At least those kids had a strong male role model around who took an interest them for change.”

Then, during one take Pacino slips into his coach character from Any Given Sunday after having one too many spritzers in trailer between takes.

Pacino screams.

“You want to climb out of hell, then fight off that inchworm kid. But Joe Pa don’t preach.”

Happy Birthday Israel, Challah!

Thanks for a glorious Hanukkah year Lord, very, very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Gimmel Be Good

by doitalldadyear, posted in entertainment, faith, family

            Michael The Greek Kornbluth’s only vice was betting on the Greek Chariot Racehorses. He’d study the Greek Chariot Racehorses forums, detailing past racing performances and odds with divine-powered zeal on par with his Torah study because one day, with his winnings, he wanted to become the head financer behind restoring the great First Temple destroyed by the Romans, because following in his father’s footsteps selling quicksand maps and Hebrew alphabet blocks wasn’t going to get the job done.

            One day, the Hellenization of Israel got ugly fast. Now, there was a new Greek ruler in charge who claims to be a descendant of Arie’s Anti-Semite brother, who had a worse credit rating with Jewish money lenders than Alexander’s great trust fund baby with Cleopatra, Lenny Kravitz Junior.

            No Jewish lender in Israel wanted to show any royal respectful love his way because he’d already blown through his fortune on the loser Chariot Horseraces and on a wind-powered hashish farm in Damascus, resting on top of a pile of quicksand.

            The new Greek ruler of Israel now, Pontificutus The Putz, was in charge. A new hotshot Rabbi, Rabbi Mason, moonlighting as standup comedian on the rise, came up with the nickname, and it stuck like the fake news rumor of Jews heckling the Romans into crucifying Jesus despite Twitter not being existence yet.  

            Now, with Pontificutus The Putz in charge, any Jew caught studying the Torah at home was sentenced to death. But first, those Jews would be forced to eat ham and cheese sandwiches for twenty days in a row, washed down with rotten camel’s milk, ’till they puked up their innards, establishing the roots of Greek hazing that would be used at the American Greek university level centuries later.

            Circumcision was now banned, despite Alexander the Great never being into the Greeks at the spa and sporting the inch worm hiding its head in its holster look.

            But Michael The Geek Kornbluth loved to study his Torah because he knew it made God happy and he loved to grow closer to God every day, yeah, yeah.

            What’s a poor white Jewish boy, who can do long division equations with eight zeros in his head like a young Donald Trump without any startup investment money growing on olive trees in his favor, to do?

            Michael had to come up with a diversionary tactic; a new gambling game to play at home to divert attention from his cherished Torah studies, but knowing his stellar reputation as betting advisor to top Greek senators around, coming up with a new gambling game for kids to shift focus away from their forbidden Torah studies wasn’t enough.

            So why was Pontificutus the Putz such a Jew-hater, again? Because he was a slower runner than they? Because he was bankrupting his kingdom from all his non-stop gambling losses on Chariot Racehorses and loser bets on the Gladiators versus gangs of rock-throwing Palestians from the neighboring Syrian Slingshot League. He was never confused with being a professional gambler great like future great Arnold the Brain Rothstein.

            Pontificutus the Putz also got herpes from a half-Jewish prostitute, just like Hitler did before his herpes sores inflamed his desire to annihilate all of Europe when he was on crystal meth. Also similar to Hitler, Pontififcutus the Putz, had artistic ambitions. He even applied to art school in Athens, but he got rejected because his sculpture creations were crude (like the Swastika symbol, for instance. I don’t care that it was a Photoshopped Hindu symbol. The Swastika still looks like two stick figures doing a sixty-nine on crystal meth.)

            Still, Pontificutus the Putz, bulldozed his way to the top and became a ruthless ruler of the Greek army. Not bad, for a guy who can pass for a little Greek landlord Astoria in Queens, NY any day of the week.

            What made Pontificutus the Putz such a killer warrior-turned-general was his colorblind condition, so all he saw in life was black and white death. Plus, the herpes always seemed to flare up before every major war against the Turks. He’d pierce with a spear as easy as an inserting a skewer into a fresh-out-of-the womb piece of lamb shawarma. 

            So, how does a nice Jewish boy from Tel Aviv earn the nickname Michael The Greek Kornbluth? Well, he was genius at picking the Chariot Horseraces, making fortunes for all Greek senators who would ask him for race advice in exchange for wine and challah for his hapless Dad, Joshua Kornbluth, who was known as the Willy Loman of quicksand maps and alphabet blocks.        Michael’s father Joshua would get too wrapped up in telling Gentiles Versus Jews jokes, to be taken seriously by even Jewish customers.          He’d say, “What’s the difference between Jews and Greeks? Jews are in no rush to pledge their allegiance to the God of loud rain. It’s too soon for Zeus jokes. I don’t know why I waste my breath.” 

            Today was different, because the Super Bowl of Chariot Racehorses was happening, and Pontificus The Putz needed a winner, or else his army would take him out Marc Anthony style for backing such a perpetual loser after all these years, regardless if he was related to Arie’s anti-Semite brother or not. 

            Pontificus the Putz enters Joshua’s humble hut abode (which made young Luke Skywalker’s adopted home on Tatooine look like Trump Tower).      Michael The Greek Kornbluth hides his Torah underneath his pillow and replaces it with some alphabet blocks his father carved himself (but with Greek letters on it instead of Hebrew ones).             Michael spins the dreidel. Potififcus blurts, “What are you playing with, there, Michael? Is your dad selling Hebrew Alphabet blocks that spin, now? You do realize that’s not Kosher anymore, kid?”

            Then Pontificus picks up the dreidel and says, “Oh, the letters are Greek.”

            Michael replies, “With you in charge, everything is Greek to me. I tan nude at the beach like I’m a Greek senator on holiday at the Red Sea.”

            “Alright, enough small talk, Michael. I’m a sure bet for the Chariot Race this Saturday,” Pontificus the Putz says.

            “Have I got a horse for you Pontificus. He’s named Gimmel Ge Good. You haven’t heard of him yet because he’s a black horse from a Kibbutz in the Golan Heights. They say he’s faster than Hermes with a horny Medusa on his tail. He’s a 15-1 long shot. Let it ride.”

            Gimmel Be Good did good and won the race. And Michael the Greek Kornbluth was able to resume his Torah studies without any interruption again. His father Joshua was granted a performance space to do a one-man play, Greeks Versus Jews, which received much nonstop praise. Plato’s grandson called the one-man act, “Socrates-smart, flush with big time, funny man Jewish heart.”

            More importantly, Michael The Greek the Kornbluth later changed the lettering on the dreidel to Hebrew lettering, knowing that Greeks were on the lookout for Bibles whenever they raided Jewish homes, and had a harder time recognizing mythological bullshit than basic Hebrew lettering, for that matter.

            And pretty soon the Maccabees had enough of submitting to the Greek way of life, and reclaimed Israel as their Jewish homeland again.

            Michael The Greek Kornbluth wasn’t able to parlay his billion-dollar betting brain and help finance the restoration of the great Temple of King David. But, more importantly, he was able to help preserve the roof over his head that he shared with God and his dear Aba Joshua; which was that much more important, since their mom had died from childbirth along with his newborn brother, whom he never got to study the Torah with.

            At least now, every night, dear Abba (Hebrew for ‘father’) could study the glorious reflection of the Allmighty in his son’s (Michael’s), worry line-free face, and give thanks and praises the most high, for giving to him the divine gift of fatherhood, which made dear Abba feel more blessed than the rest. 

Michael Kornbluth

Hacks With Words

by doitalldadyear, posted in comedy, faith, humor

Our state of the union is like Colbert’s handle on funny these days, shaky, it’s too bad Bill O’Reilly is no longer important enough to impersonate. At least, Bill O’Reilly gave Colbert gravitas.

Last night, I tried the melatonin gummies that my wife has pushed on my kids as mommy vitamins for a bit.

Because nothing screams hands on parenting than Ambien with training wheels for kids.

The melatonin gummies for kids tasted like Marty making out with his mom.

No, it tasted like I just made out with one of the Flintstones kids after being put on puberty blockers.

Doing wrong for laughs, Gallagher lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

Dave Chappelle on SNL

Kyrie Irving wasn’t near the Holocaust. Playing in Brooklyn surrounded by hipster Heeb nation is harrowing enough.

What about claims about Black dudes being the real chosen people spoken down to from the top of Mount Siani Dave? Like God could’ve have gotten in a word otherwise.

Do you still think Black Hebrew Israelites are the real chosen people, Dave? Sure, like King David is showing up on Kyrie Irving’s ancestry.com, Shaka Zulu.

You’re a moderate Muslim, right, Dave? Because you tolerate Obama Be Meh, banging What’s Talent Got To Do With in the Lincoln Bedroom after the new woke, She- Hulk pissed on the ceiling fan after Trumpy Poo Tits got inaugurated. Hours later, Trumpy Poo gets pissed on for real from the ceiling fan above and says to Melania, “Is this, what’s talent got to do with it meant? When the woke she-hulk said, “When they go low, we aim high?”

But nowadays, Michelle is packing on the pounds because of Menopause. And Adam Schiff never clicked on SoapyBottoms@Nothingtoseehere@moveon.org.



Accusing the crafty Jews of stealing their chosen people identity from the black Israelites is in poor taste, don’t you think so Dave?

Being a proud Muslim, would you be happy if Alex Jones accused Allah of culturally appropriating the child wife compounds from Mitt Romney country? I didn’t think so, you hypocritical, black supremacist, entertainer protector like the rest, King of The Prosecution Complex included.

Do I think Kayne should be denied a living? No, I support freedom of speech. Plus, I didn’t demonize Kyrie for refusing to take the clot-shot because your boy Rock plugged for Cuomo during the height of his pin up prime, despite always looking like Mama Fratelli from the Goonies and the Thing had a baby. If the King of Popping Cherries were still alive today, Dave, how would he defend himself against all his never land accusers again? Would the king of popping wood on Pee Wee’s Playhouse confess, “All the Beatles Royalty Points in the world, can’t buy me love.”

Hershal Walker is, “observingly stupid”, Chappelle. Hacks like you are making me return back to IT headhunting with an open, jade free heart, if you’re considered the apex standup comedy these days, my chest. You’re a race baiting piece of shit like the rest. Lebron and the CCP, SUCKING, but you’re glued to Obama’s dick way more, sniffing his sandals after Ramadan bike rides through Martha’s Vineyard if born again Muslim John Brennan hasn’t called 1st dibs 1st. You and Obama are nothing more than hacks with words.

Hershal Walker, “Has to think before Tic Tac Toe. That’s the best dumb joke you could steal from Kevin Hart’s writers Dave, you has-been, hack? Jim Brewer’s eyes and Steven Wright upholstery on your futon in Half Baked are twice as funny as you’ll ever be, Obama off the teleprompter included hacks with words, Challah. Thank you very much.



If Republicans want greater voter turnout for the Midterms moving forward or have any desire left to preserve election integrity, then they should showcase a shred of originality and counterattack the big tech machine with bound to trend hashtags on Twitter such as Late Term Abortions, Disinformation Dissing or Red States Bleed George Thorogood.  Lazily calling them the Midterms won’t get Democrats to do anything more than bone up on the basics the night before them. “Dr. Oz, neutered nincompoop. John Fetterman, Tom Segura after a chemo induced stroke.” So cut the Hoodlum Hack some slack.”

Hacks with words, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Kosher Klaus Sushi

by doitalldadyear, posted in books, culture, fiction

Once upon a time, there was a Kosher sushi chef prodigy, Art Show USA, who opened Kosher Klaus Sushi on Christmas Eve in 1994 before the Internet became mainstream and Asian elite Yelpers went hog wild.  Kosher Klaus Sushi was located in the heart of Scarsdale Village, and earned immediate rave reviews in the Scarsdale Inquirer from local food critic Debbie Wasserman, who described Art Show’s mind-blowing specialty roll creations as, “Orgasmic before they reach the back of your throat good.”  

            What made Art Show unique, outside of his unmatched imaginative heft and juggling sushi knifework at the bar, were his God-given star-powered looks, which commanded legions of groupie Yentas to schlep from the far reaches of Long Island to wait in line in the dead of winter just to catch a glance of the new age pretty boy/badass sushi chef through the window, cranking out one swoon-worthy, inhalatory sushi specialty roll after the next like his signature one, Living On The Edgemont Edge, which had smoked salmon, cream cheese, capers, and caramelized shallots throughout, to inject an extra special loaded lift.   

            Every day, Art Show USA would sharpen his sushi knives together (made from Israeli steel, used in bulletproof vests made for their special force’s unit, Mossad), which would woo with sparkly, dazzling delight as patrons at the Kosher Klaus Sushi Bar gave impromptu standing ovations throughout.  

            Art Show USA was a 6 foot 4, spikey blond-haired, blue-eyed, lean, mean, sushi-slicing machine who made Tom Cruise (from the movie Cocktail) look like a stumpy, homely hobbit hipster hack, in comparison, regardless of whether he kept his rolled-up-sleeve button shirt tucked in or not.   

            But, one day, a bunch of rowdy Irish wiggers entered Kosher Klaus Sushi to track down a hot yenta breath from Syosset, Long Island’s Rachel Weinstein, who rocked swinging booby beauties (36 Ds, to be exact), who was also a solid 5 foot 9, making her mountable from behind, standing up (assuming you weren’t a stumpy Irishman, unlucky in the height department).   

            Rachel was a full-lipped, Sephardic Persian, tan, busty beauty. Even Roger Waters from Pink Floyd would pulverize her fetching snatch until he was comfortably numb.  The leader of the wigger Irish pack was Liam O’Reilly, who sported a Newport cigarette tattoo on his esophagus (which scared off most, but not Art Show USA).

            Art Show USA got a black belt in judo by the time he was 13, for his Bar Mitzvah. For Art Show’s Bar Mitzvah Party, he played ‘Siamese Dream’ by the Smashing Pumpkins on the guitar with his feet and teeth.  So, Art Show USA never sweated the prospect of losing a fight or a girl to an Irish wigger moron from Long Island, who thought that stamping a permanent Newport cigarette tattoo on his esophagus was a bright idea, regardless of whether it ensured him a truck driver job for Killan’s Red or not.

            Liam and his crew of Irish wiggers came down from Long Island to start a fight with Art Show USA because they attended the same high school as Rachel Weinstein, and only had eyes for inhaling her whole. Plus, they weren’t enthralled with Rachel wearing an underground-circulated hoodie with a picture of Art Show USA on it, who was sporting an American flag bandana and a Star of David gold necklace around his neck, showcasing well earned, non-banking-job-related bling.  

            Liam cuts the line with his Irish wigger posse and bursts into Kosher Klaus Sushi like Mark Wahlberg on the set of SNL after Andy Samberg did a sketch about Marky Mark talking to farm animals. He bum-rushes the sushi bar and says, “Hey, faggot. I’ll kick your ass right now, to show all your groupies what a pretty boy faggot, gay pussy bitch you are in real life.”

            Art Show ignores Liam’s Alpha Dog attack. Liam jumps over the sushi bar to strike. Art Show does a lookaway kick to the middle of his forehead, which sends Liam flying into the ceiling fan, which knocks him out senseless.

            Art Show USA says, “Alexa, play ‘Jump Around’ by House of Pain.” Kosher Klaus Sushi erupts into an instantaneous jubilee and Jewish pride pounces the air, inspiring Rachel Weinstein to flash her tits at Art Show USA as the entire restaurant throws their gold necklaces (with Stars of David’s on them) in her general direction, in honor of all those sweet, harmless Jewish boys who were never taught to defend themselves like the Hebrew Hammer, Bugsy Siegal, or Art Show USA.

Michael Kornbluth

Shooting The Shit With Jill Biden

by doitalldadyear, posted in culture, education, family

Imagine Easter Sunday at the Biden’s Delaware estate this year? First, things get tense for Hunter’s new wife Melissa Cohen when Dr. Jill Biden says, “So today, we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus after your people heckled the Romans into crucifying our Messiah to death.”

Melissa Cohen replies, “I don’t give a shit either way Jill. I’m an atheist myself. Still, my father a conservative Jew, would disagree with your messiah premise. He wouldn’t call your hubby putting up fencing around the White House as an incoming symbol of world peace, would you? If Obama wasn’t a secret, gay Muslim, I totally could’ve seen him putting World Peace 2.0 on his gym locker at one of those private gay bathhouse clubs in Chicago to remain anonymous though. My family celebrates the Passover holiday. You know the holiday where we sub IPA’s for giant stale unleavened crackers. Not that most Jews are heavy drinkers compared to our gentile nation, but you get the gist. I know drinking is the least of Hunter’s concerns. Plus, I’m positive despite you being a gentile, you’re capable of recognizing the hilarious irony of your son from a different mother, giving up blow for blow painting. Also, cut the Mother Theresa act Jill. Everyone in Delaware knows Joe had an affair with you when he was still married before the horrific tragic car crash, which you’ve collectively exploited politically for all it’s worth, which doesn’t sound very Christ like to me. Then again, the Crusades happened to get back at the all non-believers such as my people the Jews, despite Christianity not being an official religion back in ancient biblical times during the time of Jesus’s death. Also, I never understood why Christians hate Jews so much, assuming they were Christ Killers or not. First, Jesus was a Jew and gentiles weren’t flocking to see Schindler’s List opening weekend. Second, if Jesus doesn’t get crucified, the Bible part 2 is never written. There’s no record of Jesus ever ascending to heaven, giving his 12 apostles to write his comeback life tale with the promise of eternal life, assuming you acknowledge Jesus as the only self-anointed, bouncer gatekeeper of heaven and king of the Jewish people, despite possessing zero ancestry DNA with King David or King Solomon after him, just saying. How many Jewish friends do you have Jill, being a real doctor and all? But plenty of Jews hurt our people’s image such as Bernie Madoff, Harvey Weinstein, that crystal meth head, Adam Schiff. Trust me, after knowing your son during his druggy years, I know a meth head when I see one. If Adam Schiff’s eyes were any bigger buggier, he’d be John Holmes in Wonderland, assuming his best friend is another scumbag Democratic operative like Ed Buck being charged for manslaughter for getting black homeless escorts overdose on crystal meth in his West Hollywood pad before exchanging their services. Let’s just meet in the middle and agree Adam Schiff is no angel of light or will ever be confused for being a chosen cosmic perfectionist of any kind. So, if I wanted to drop Hunter’s IPHONE into the garbage can outside of Janssen’s Market, love their Filet Mignon Egg Sandwich by the way, with pictures of him putting a gun to my head during some kinky role playing, when I play the computer repairman’s daughter in Wilmington, Delaware. Would the Secret Service keep those pics under wraps for us, or am I blowing your husband’s compromised deep state relationship with the Secret Service and China completely out of proportion? Xi is a good a guy Jill? You know nobody believes that shit Jill, especially the suicide net makers for Apple. Granted, you haven’t taught in years but deliver that line about Xi being a great guy to every mother whose had to quit their jobs to help monitor their kids remoting learning experience, with no burning mask parities in sight, vaccine mandated or not, despite more kids dying of suicide this year than from fucking COVID. And maybe then, I’ll respect your alleged Christian good deed hued nature again babe. At least our baby boy is a boy. So keeping Joe away from any future hair sniffing incidents, is one last thing I need to worry about it. I didn’t marry into the Podesta family for a reason.

Michael Kornbluth

Hamas Hates Nuance

by doitalldadyear, posted in art, beauty, blogging

I text my mom photographed images from my 9 year old daughter’s report on the Holocaust called The Terror Of The Holocaust, which included a plethora of killer subtitle headers to, such as A Terrible Form Of Hate, Monster In Charge and Don’t Blame Us! And I add the killer one liner for the ages, “Don’t post the report on Facebook or else Hamas will accuse you of hate speech.” Holla, thank you very much.”

Biden is sending new aid to aid Palestinians since AOC served Andrew Yang’s balls to him in a Mai Tai on the rocks.

Fuck nuance. Palestinians elected terrorists in charge. The only difference between Palestine and America is that we didn’t elect a terrorist enabling scumbag to cut Palestine a blank check to finance non-stop terrorism against Israel as long as members of Hamas, the PLO and Hezbollah keep fucking. Holla, thank you very much.

Kids can’t be terrorists. What do you call ANTIFA? Elderly wannabe Punisher vigilantes in hoodies. Holla, thank you very much.


Also stop acting like you give a shit about Ramadan. Arab terrorists started something called the Yom Kippur war against Israel in 1973, on the most holy day on the Jewish calendar with the intent of wiping Israel off the map forever. The only difference now is you have social media to make worldwide antisemitism go transparently viral in real time you Hamas lover you.

Michael Kornbluth