Beyond Personal

More hardcore edge is funnier.

Governor Cuomo getting paid to write about leadership is like R Kelly getting early release to babysit the latest Kardashian out of the womb, Woody Allen writing a book on hands off parenting or Kevin Durant, Mr. Millennial Mouseketeer himself, getting picked to do a Ted Talk on how to defend yourself against Cyberbullying.

Celebrity couples who can’t keep their hands off each other are stuck in a perpetual sweaty sex period. That’s the secret sauce ingredient that makes any sexually charged relationships stick.

Russell Simmons addressing rape allegations with Gayle King. Gayle, read my lisp. I didn’t rape any of those vengeful over the hill ho’s.

New marketing idea for my book Do It All Dad Does Jokes. Donate them to the Bedford Hills Correctional Facility where Martha Stewart stayed. Sample some Snoop Dog jokes to the Corrections Officer in charge of accepting donations for the Prison Library. “Have you tried Snoop Dog’s new red wine yet? Wine Spectator says it tastes like mouthwash used in Porn Hood Hell. Can I donate some Dr. Seuss books or are they not woke enough for the Warden’s tastes? Did you hear? Dr. Seuss is racist for drawing a pic of an African wearing a grass skirt. I didn’t know Fubu was in fashion yet.” Correction Officer laughs long time.

Dad giving you parenting advice 3 grandchildren later over the phone again from Arizona is annoying. Oh, you don’t like the idea of your granddaughter attending Cornell University eventually because of a sudden mental health concerns post COVID pops? I think all the outsourced, invisible suicide nets used in factories for Nike and Apple in China got the 13 Reasons Why class covered pops. I bet Cornell made a Suicide Prevention App that has the Skulls and Bones logo on the button to make their snowflake prone students feel extra protected inside. Like Cornell alum Bill Maher for getting away with naming his production company Kid Love Productions, with no media inquiry into its pedo friendly name whatsoever.  If W’s kids weren’t such airheads, they’d download that app at Yale, knowing the Skulls and Bones logo makes you immune to fucking up again consequences like W after 9/11 for doing dick to prevent the inside job on his watch. Plus, whenever you press the Suicide Prevention App button, Bang Your Head by Quiet Riot plays pops, which gets you out of your head after you try to headbutt Joe Rogan through your laptop for promoting how much his CBD oil matters man, despite it giving you no mental lift worth giving a shit about whatsoever like any heady rush takeaways from the Dax Sheppard podcast. Oh, yeah, Joe Rogan wannabe be CBD decciple, Deadheads only attend Dead Shows for the drugs. I don’t think Dicks Dead Picks lists tracers only dude.  But seriously pops, once you press that suicide prevention app and hear Bang Your Head by Quiet Riot, your anxiety levels drop lower than Al Gore’s balls at the sight of finding one more Klondike bar left in his sub-zero freezer on the 4th of July.  

Imagine a kid trying to jump off a bridge at Cornell only to bump into the invisible net. Kid says, “I can’t even ace a perfect landing right.”

This is my impression of a Tour Guide at Cornell downplaying mental health concerns for the incoming class of 2021. “Freshman don’t even have time to squeeze in a 20-minute Peloton ride between classes. White Pelton Privilege doesn’t exist behind these Ivy draped walls. So, what makes you think, Cornell Freshman can afford to spend their down time attending pill parties, listening to 13 Reason Why on Vinyl backwards? While looking for secret hidden messages like, “Sell your soul to Apple Music like Trent Reznor did. And you’ll look less tormented menacing in 700-dollar leather jackets in no time.” Also kids today post COVID can’t enough of social distancing, especially after their ears get raped to death from all the yenta breath sorority sisters during rush week in the school cafeteria, chanting, “Gama Roe, were so hot. We rock the Keto diet. So, we don’t become fat feminist Karen bots.”

Don’t go there question on Thanksgiving. So, dad, what brings you more shame, your son getting addicted to opioids or your eldest trying to wean himself off the comment section of the Gateway Pundit? You never heard of it? Its’ another alt right, dirt rag like the rest, according to Uni Brow Maddow at MSNBC. Hey dad, tell me if you think this impression is funny. This is Chris Matthews sexually harassing a new chesty, yenta breath intern from Long Island on MSNBC. Eating out Maddow, counts as your lunch break babe.”

Waiting for my car appointment to get a new key and some old guy starts asking questions about login codes for the internet. I said, “What are you really missing out on, besides the Do It All Dad Year Podcast and Do It All Dad Year Blog? Personally, I want to kick it old school and get a flip phone again if I’m honest about only wanting to hear my own opinions most of the time.  Describe the Internet is 3 words, “I’m smarter stupid.”  Also, I want to start using my imagination for jerking off again, so I don’t feel like a slacker jerkoff at the same time in real time. Are you feeling me yet old timer? Old timer says, “I like using the Internet to read articles from the New York Times and Washington Post. I say, “Nobody’s perfect. Billy Wilder lives. I don’t do unnamed sources like you know who.” Holla, thank you very much.

At the library trying to donate some books and getting endless laughs by pitching all the book titles of my books to donate to a local prison in Bedford after the recommendation like Controlling My Kids With Comedy, A Love Story, Do It All Dad Does Jokes, etc. Then, the librarian says, “You remind me of my nephew. He’s a comedian.” I say, “Your warm-hearted embrace of my funny man identity doesn’t remind me of my mother one bit.”

Why should I care about the Swiss beating the French in soccer? The Swiss are guilty of cultural appropriation by storing Mark Chagal designer lamps for their Nazi rulers to sell at Sotheby’s  whenever they needed to stock up on more Malbec and crystal meth during their golden years, living it up in the Andes mountains, while writing more glowing reviews of Mein Kamp on Amazon under Nazi Scientist Protection Programs Rule.

New agent seduction plan. Only purse female lit agents, that give me sustained stiffage, which is extended arousal derived from their money shot loaded manuscript sales list. Playing with the idea of making mama jealous with a new potential Jewish Godmother fill in lover embracer regarding the totality of me wouldn’t hurt my increased motivation factor to woo them with more than my pulsating prose either.

Getting a new key at the Toyota dealership and start flirting with the slightly chesty, pretty faced enough, raven black haired, Latino gal who helped reorder the key for me prior in painless, super-fast fashion. I made her laugh long time prior the day before, when I said, “I don’t mind waiting. My unhuggable C Word of a mother-in-law is being forced to play fake news involved grandma for the week, so I’m whistling dixie regardless. Today, I say, the name Vilma is growing more on me every day. It’s more cinematic sounding than Penelope Cruz. In fact, I think Pedro Almodovar should make you his new muse and kick that uppity lisp to the curb.  Everyone working there laughs long time. I add,” I’m glad that my Philosophy and Film Class that my parents paid 50 thousand dollars for just materialized there.” The entire Toyota worker crew laughs long time again. United we laugh, oh, what a feeling.

Michael Kornbluth

In Desantis We Trust

New York ego in a nutshell. I say to my younger brother, “Florida and Anti-Semitism are so hot right now.” He says, “Florida’s hot because so many New Yorkers have moved there.” I thought it was because their Governor will become the next president of The United States. Assuming, Mr. Groper doesn’t nuke America the Beautiful into smithereens 1st while muttering Wasps Rule, honky.

Michael Kornbluth

In Desantis We Trust

New York ego in a nutshell. I say to my younger brother, “Florida and Anti-Semitism are so hot right now.” He says, “Florida’s hot because so many New Yorkers have moved there.” I thought it was because their Governor will become the next president of The United States. Assuming, Mr. Groper doesn’t nuke America the Beautiful into smithereens 1st while muttering Wasps Rule, honky.

Michael Kornbluth

Opening Joke For Dutchess Tonight

Governor Cuomo, The Italian Reptilian inside, getting paid to write a book on leadership, is like Woody Allen getting a book advance to write a book on Hands Off Parenting or Kevin Durant, Mr. Millennial Mouseketeer himself, getting picked to give a Ted Talk on how to defend yourself against cyberbullying or hooking up R. Kelly with early parole to babysit the latest Kardashian out of the womb. Can I get a holla for some Challah? If you’re offended by this material, then go woke yourself, holla, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Do It All Dad Does Radio City

At Costco, Karen screams, “Wear the damn mask.” I say, “Not until you suck the hate speech and white privilege out of my chosen schlong first. But I’ll make it easier for you Karen because I’m a giver, and not another greedy heeb like Bernie Sanders. Pretend Obama ordered you to leak it.  Vermont should change their state motto from the Green State to CBD Oil Only. Bernie Sanders couldn’t even make Vermont great for potheads on vacation. Cuomo getting paid to write a book about leadership is like Woody Allen getting a book advance to write about a book about hands off parenting. If Google doesn’t manipulate search research results and actively censor right wing favoring content. Then, why is it harder to find positive mentions of hydroxychloroquine on Google, than it is to find a film blogger on Rotten Tomatoes who called the Irishman underrated? Also, is it me, or does Robert Dinero on the View these days, look like Betsy Ross falling apart at the seams? Masks prevent you from getting COVID. Yeah, and Joy Behar is the new Chief Happiness Officer for Breitbart. Dave Chappelle says black people have always wore masks in America. Stop acting like the Kardashians care about unmasking the size of Ben Simmons basketball IQ in the 1st place player. And if Obama is such a baller Chappelle, then why did he ride the bench at an all-Asian private school in Hawaii? What’s really hilarious Dave, is how your boy Lebron, America’s Most Hunted, AKA, King of The Persecution Complex, got the idea of wearing a fake news cast during the NBA Finals after Michelle Obama gave him the idea to do it, after she threatened to jam her arm up Obama’s ass if he ever offered Beyonce Paul Newman’s Lemonade over her homemade Kombucha ever again. And stop fronting Dave, you know Obama, not Trump is the one who loves Hitler. Obama wishes he was that organized. Mass extermination of every hook-nosed journalist, blogger or vlogger from Breitbart who dared to criticize his nuke gifting deal to Iran, would be a gas. I think my brand of weed, must make me more paranoid than Drama Queen Diaries. Obama Be Good  gave Iran 1.5 billion dollars to create overseas manufacturing jobs for Build a Bear, to make their economy, less reliant on the sale chest hair removal cream for the Kardashians. Just read about an all-Muslim girl prom in Detroit. So, the prom was like mine, pork free. Does Dave Chappelle do a bit in new act to prove he isn’t a black supremacist by posing the type of tweet Baby Face Omar would send on the anniversary of Amy Winehouse’s death to appease Democratic reps in congress who don’t like Israel being compared to Hamas? Like, “Something happened, to a beehive sporting, devil horn concealing, parasitical Jew bitch, who exploited the great Palestinian Songbook for all it was worth?”  If Dave Chappelle had the balls to say to his fellow brothers in the struggle to stop resisting arrest, all lives matter, wouldn’t be the new n word. Can I get a holla for some Challah?” It’s not my fault, I’m a funnier black Carlin than Chappelle could ever be. I was blessed with the supreme powered funnier Jew bone for a reason. Offended yet, then go woke yourself? Holla, thank you very much. Last, memo to the NY Times, if you fire 4000 rockets into Israel’s backyard. Don’t expect an edible arrangements gift basket in return, with a thank you note written in Farsi. I can’t work after sunset, Jewish God’s rules, but I’ll leave you with one final nugget of comedy gold for the road to prove I’m not greedy heeb or that Vince Vaughn isn’t the only big-headed asshole who’s louder than Busta Rhymes at a midnight showing of Higher Learning. If Joe Biden, AKA, Mr. Groper, got the most votes in US history, even more than your precious Obama Be Good, Chappelle. Then, Michelle Obama regretted pissing on the ceiling fan in the Lincoln Bedroom before Trump’s inauguration. Later that night, The Donald comments to Melania, “Is this what she-hulk meant, when she he said, when they go low, we aim high?” Joan lives. Thank you very much.  Michael Kornbluth

 

The Hair Metal Licker Comedian

I’m buying myself the book The Uncensored History of 80’s Rock. Bookstore owner says, “Would you like to be put on our list?” I said, “Not yet. I’m just getting this gift for myself the way I filled out my own Father’s Day Card last year.”

Waiting for Joe Biden to deliver a flub free, unifying speech is like waiting for Hunter to give up blow for blow painting fulltime.

His old school cokehead buds miss the good old days, getting tweaked in townie bars next to their dealer in Wilmington, Delaware, only hearing last call from the bathroom stall, only to utter, “Where’s Hunter man?” Oh, yeah, he’s spewing his white priveledge seed all up in some stripper’s fake news roped off snatch in the Champagne Room where only the high roller hacks roam.”

Hunter Biden texts found in his forgotten laptop reveal he was not only banned from the Chateau Marmont but wasn’t allowed to gather any of his belongings. My brother is banned from Talking Stick Casino in Arizona yet Hunter makes little bro come off as a major slacker and serial underachiever in comparison.

At the chocolate shop in Ridgefield, CT, I say, “I’ll take 3 of those chocolates.” I don’t want to perpetuate my dad’s tradition of playing blatant overt favorites or they’ll suffer from a lifetime of lingering resentment that no amount of yoga, prayer, or weed edibles can expunge from the depths of their slighted, impossible to recover from souls.”

When your dad says out loud in front of you, “I don’t know how were related.” It means he treats you like sloppy seconds for a reason.

I got my dad a joint for us to smoke together in Arizona after it became legal there because I thought we could bond over the all-star review for my book, The Great American Jew Novel. Dad says, “Yeah, I’m going to smoke this with my friend Nat in Vegas instead. And pops wonders why I seek laughs from strangers for a living.

Megan Rapinoe is partnering with Victoria Secret, which is totally on brand move for them to make. Can’t wait to sample their new line of edible shin guards that taste like hairy fish sticks.

If Megan Rapinoe runs for President, what’s going to be her campaign slogan? Bring back the L Word To Netflix Obama, your are only hope.

Is the purple haired tom boy look even a real life type or just a cry for attention because Olympic Soccer carries less cultural oomph in America than Orlando’s Blooms archery tips?

When Megan Rapinoe refused to take a knee, what point was she trying to make again? Pussy hat wearing lesbos are down with licking Nike’s ass no matter what.

Did Megan Rapinoe ever accuse Kaepernick of sporting a fake news fro backstage at the ESPYS’s? Have you ever seen a bi-racial afro that large before? Slash tried to grow out his fro and it was a total flop. At the same time, fake news fro takes selfies with Linda Sarsour who supports genital mutilation through supporting Sharia Law and Chelsea Manning’s run for senate. That’s like wearing a mutilated clit on your fro bro.

Eli Manning is still a bigger pimp than Brady in my book. He ruined his shot at a perfect season. Giselle was a Victoria Secret Angel, big deal. Now, she’s like 80 in model years. Plus, her uppity lisp isn’t winning her any popularity contests over Tyra Banks either. And why doesn’t anyone praise Terry Bradshaw as the best quarterback ever? Nobody aired it like out Bradshaw. Fine, that much he shares in common with Brady. I’ll give you that much.

Michael Kornbluth

Moving On Out To Russia

I’m moving on out to Russia. You don’t have to worry about Global Warming blather from the local news. Putin defending the use of fracking wouldn’t cause a pussy riot online either. Putin trolls Greta Thunberg and tweets, @GreatThunberg, Fracking actually reduces CO2 emissions. Furry Brow tweets back, “So Neil Young is full of shit now?” Putin showcases a flash of Trumpian wit and fires back with “Neil Young doesn’t take showers to reduce his carbon footprint. So that much, you share in common babe. Why doesn’t Global Warming scare me Greta? Because Al Gore’s speaker has considerably cooled.”

Russians can still take a joke. Trump has ties to Russia. Duh, what mail order bride owner doesn’t? Plus, like the great Russian novelists such as Fyodor Dostoevsky, I prefer my comedy like my coffee, dark and bitter.

Also, you know BLM wouldn’t be allowed to harass patrons dining al fresco in St. Petersburg while slurping up some more Caviar soup. Putin’s so tough, he could snap your neck by just staring at it topless on a horse in the country.

Like Honest Abe said, “I’d rather live in Russia than in a place that lives under the pretense of loving liberty”, the way America does today. But Biden wants our family members and neighbors to rat out Trump supporters over white supremacist concerns because we don’t live by the creed, In Fuck Face Fauci We Trust. Nor are we inclined to believe in objective science anymore, after learning how every past prominent scientist in this country decried the Wuhan lab leak has a conspiracy theory because they didn’t want to be branded as a fake news white supremacist like the rest.

Putin actually said the name of the unarmed, American veteran Ashley Babbitt who was shot in cold blood in the Capital Building after the Stop The Steal Rally, which is more than Trumpy Poo ever mustered the courage to do.

Putin poisons his political opponents. Well, that’s better than pushing a non FDA approved vaccine on your Trump hater supporters that’s leading to more complications than election fraud audit reveals in the great free state of Arizona.

Putin poisons his political opponents. Like doxing ICE agents, immigrants from El Salvador who speak to the NY Times about MS-13, or any moms on Facebook who dare to criticize critical race theory as race divisive bullshit is any different?

Putin poisons his political opponents. Big deal, the blowhard dullard hack would’ve gotten liver cancer at some point anyway. I bet you Putin doesn’t have a fuck up druggie son who creamed in his dead brother’s wife seconds after the cremation ensued. Plus, Putin would never allow the drug cartels from Mexico or communist killers from China to push more Fentanyl through our southern border, that’s killed more crackers in this country than Taylor Swift kicking it with Lena Dunham on Instagram.

Russian journalists today know more about nationalistic pride than terrorist siding pieces of shit liars at the NY times. Who shamelessly pushed golden showers tales about Trump and Russian hookers with less legs than Lieutenant Dan. Plus, no Russian Journalist would ever be dumb enough to believe Trump hired a couple of Russian Hookers to pee on each other at his hotel room in St. Petersburg because he’s a notorious Germaphobe. Especially knowing how Trump could hire a bunch of Ivanka lookalikes to pee on each other at his Trump International Hotel in Washington D.C, whenever he likes. I’m also positive Melania can talk dirty to him in Slovenian whenever, wherever, wearing nothing but a mink hat from Spies Like Us.

Hate filled leftist retards don’t exist in Russia and would never feel morally exalted over anybody by breathlessly slinging endless bullshit enshrouded lies about election interference by the Russians, that made Drago pop out of various voting booths in predominately blue states, issuing life or death ultimatums such as, “Vote Trump or I’ll break you. If you die, it’s your fault for not believing in Holograms.”

Russia would never allow the construction of a George Floyd statue to prove thug lives matter. Especially when 2 billion dollars worth of property damage, and thousands of businesses destroyed for 6 months straight was designed to scare the Supreme Court to ever rule in the favor of law and order ever again.

Last, Billy Joel is the 1st to crowd surf at a concert in Russia before Eddie Vedder ever did. I’m not saying you can’t find a better country than Russia. But America is light years from acheiving Nirvana ever again. Wake me whenever this neverending shit show ends.

Michael Kornbluth

The COVID Jab Pinkie Swear

New York City is reopened again. Cuomo declares victory. He killed off the greatest
city the world has in only 15 months flat.

Steven A. Smith claims Durant is the best player to represent New York. Be a more
transparent kiss ass Smith. Millennial Mouseketeers would’ve gotten stomped to
death in the vastly more rough and tumble era of the eighties NBA. The
suffocative defensive play by the Bad Boys, X Man, The Pacers, Kevin Willis and
Charles hard as oak Oakley wouldv’e torn Durant’s pipe cleaner arms off like he
was the black Gumby. Durant isn’t an actual Playground legend from Brooklyn
like Bernard King either. Bernard King was the black Larry Bird on steroids
with Rocky’s eye of the tiger snarl in Rocky 2. Who ripped the rim off the
fucking basket while going coast to coast like Westbrook on Adderall with far
greater chest puffing huffing ease.

Refusing to vote is giving up on America. No, avoiding Voter ID to cheat again is. I
forgot. Calling out election fraud is the big lie like humanization being the
religion of peaceful Palestinian protestors for hire. Which reminds me, an all
Muslim girls prom was just held in Detroit. The prom was like mine, pork free.

I hope nobody votes in America ever again. So, politicians who let Democracy die
under their watch without making a peep will feel like emptier imposter do good
helpers at the Harvard Club than normal till their last, scotch stench filled
breaths.

Is Baby Face Omar the new face of Banana Republic yet? To model their new line of
casual antisemitism footwear that comes with a complimentary Israeli doormat to
boot.

Actually, the Supreme Court gave up on America when they refused to look into the case of
election fraud that was more blatant than Jill Biden’s varicose veins with no
panty hose on in front of the Queen. Who offers stiff competition in that
department with her panty hose on in person.

Eric Clapton’s famous music friends like Steve Winwood are avoiding him like the
plague now since he opened up about partial paralysis after his 2nd COVID jab.
Back on his high horse again with chompers like that. Dear Alexa, play me any
song by Cream, Clapton or Derek and Dominoes to make me happy. It’s too bad
Steve Winwood isn’t cracking anybody’s top 100 pleasure playlist either.

Nobody has died from the COVID jab. What about boxer legend The Marvelous Marvin
Hagler? Oh yeah, MSN debunked the conspiracy theory already despite Tommy
Hearns claiming the murderous jab put him out for the count more than his
combinations ever could.

I made a COVID jab pinkie swear when my parents asked me to get vaccinated for
their behalf. But my father’s shoulders collapse whenever I go in for a hug
for old time’s sake since I came out as a Trump supporter. Plus, my parents are
vaccinated, which grants them immunity from the virus allegedly. So, at this
point, what difference does it make? Hillary Hammer Time Cankles strikes again.
Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth