Book Authors Are Fire Proof

Whenever I’m out with my 3 kids, I’ll always hear. You’ve got your hands full. I reply. If my wife allowed an open marriage with Katy Perry, assuming I became a bestselling author, I’d have my hands full, day and night, night and day.
Trying to start your staffing business from ground zero and provide for your wife and 2 kids as an IT Headhunter while sucking up your ego because you finally got your TV writing break at VH1 Classic 2 months prior is a handful. Especially, when you just traded in your Gene Simmons zip drive used to save your scripts, consisting of Heavy Metal video intros for Chris Jericho to use on America’s Hard 100 for new suits from Men’s Warehouse, which you can’t afford and have to ask your parents money for. Thereby further deepening your parent’s resentment at your prolonged, degenerate dependence on their forced upon financial generosity at 39 with 2 kids under your belt now, paying them the maintenance rental costs on a one-bedroom apartment. Which used to belong to your grandmother before your parents shipped her off to a home in Arizona, dying in her sleep with nothing  but a peaceful gaze according to my father.

Excuse me for questioning the sincerity of my father’s pronouncement. Knowing his self-serving, controlling, bullying approach to my wedding by letting my grandma off the hook by not insisting she attend her own grandson’s wedding. She wasn’t Stephen Hawkins people. Was she bi-polar? Yes, did my dad insist she stop taking her medication because her manic highs became too annoying and inconvenient for him to handle? Yes, so knowing my dad played a domineering, ownership role of his own mother’s emotional well-being despite never earning a PHD in Pharmacology, selling Acid in college doesn’t count. Only to emerge from the experience with your brain intact because you were “smarter” than all the lesser gentile, mush brain counterparts in your fraternity, allegedly.

So, what was my dad’s excuse for not demanding my own grandmother hop in the car for a 2 hour ride up to Woodstock to see her eldest grandson get married? She would’ve been a handful and I’d have to look after her. But according to my younger brother, my father isn’t a narcissist despite his best excuse for not insisting my grandma attend my wedding was because her assumed, mope maligned existence would’ve been a perpetual drag on his own good time. Assuming he’d be hanging out with her at the wedding, reminiscing about how nice it would be if Murray, his dead father, and her 1st husband could be there also because he always loved my friend Newton, who was the Baptized Minister that got us married in the 1st place.

I became close with my dad’s friend from college Newtown Finn when I attended Lake Forest College for my freshman and sophomore year on the North Shore of Illinois. I’d meet him for an occasional beer to discuss a philosophy paper I was working on. For my paper on how the Grateful Dead parking lot scene encapsulated a self-sustaining, yet community driven, capitalist economy at its finest, minus the taxes on what you made by being able to sell grill cheese sandwiches and or glass bowls of your own making. Allowing Dead Head lovers to live out their hippie working dream to the fullest by making money from their own creations and using those profits to follow the Dead-on tour, make new friends, create colorful memories and be liberated from the cubicle chained existence their parents were slaves to because such an option didn’t exist before really. I still haven’t read of any 50’s kids selling their mom’s Betty Crocker cookies outside of Giant Stadium, so they could follow Jan and Dean on the road.

Not once did I think my dad took my feelings under consideration by not insisting my grandma attend my wedding. Did her grandmotherly sense tell her I was out of work again? In the end, did my Grandma blow off my wedding because she thought it was pathetic for a suburban beneficiary of white privilege to be fired more than a Palestinian Sling Shot at 34 years old on God green’s earth? In retrospect, my dad letting my grandma off the hook infuriated me more than my grandma not attending my wedding because he possessed the power to make Grandma do the right thing. But instead chose the path of zero hassle for himself, let’s make this weeding all about my wife and I by wearing creamy white at his wedding, insisting we walk him down the aisle, just because we’re cutting them a big, fat wedding check.

I should’ve burned that wedding check on the spot. It would’ve saved plenty of aggravation for all of us in the end. But I didn’t get married to receive a big check from my parents. I got married because I fell in love with a pretty, sweet girl from Australia who became the best friend I never had. Although chances are, I don’t pop the question ever, if my mother doesn’t insist on letting her give me money to buy my live-in girlfriend in Park Slope, Brooklyn at the time, an engagement ring, a pink Safire engagement ring to be exact.

I wanted my own earned staffing commission money from my stint at Adam Jacob Associates to pay for that ring. Never happened that way. The only time I made a commission check big enough for an engagement ring was with the IT staffing firm I worked for next from a big rip, I did with JP Morgan Hedge Fund Services. I asked my mom for the org chart for JP Morgan Hedge Fund Services. Cold called the VP of Technology. Scheduled a face to face meeting in Greenwich, CT. Recruited a .NET Architect off an ad I wrote and posted on Monster.com. Placed him at 135K salary, ripped a 7000-dollar commission check after taxes. And used that money on top of my unemployment checks because I got fired from that recruitment job also to throw myself into my writing, banged out my 30 Rock spec, script, The Kings of Comedy, placed 3 in a national TV writing contest called the Spec Scriptacular and no longer felt like a poser fake news funny jerkoff performing standup comedy at open mikes throughout stroller mom country in Park Slope no more.

But understand, this was 12 years ago, which feels like light years ago 3 kids later. Think about it. Back then, Lena Dunham had much skinnier arms and wasn’t nearly as full of herself. I don’t know about you. But after Trump won. Lena Dunham said she’d move to Canada. So, I prayed for them to build a wall around the strip clubs in Montreal, so Lena Dunham wouldn’t scare away all the clientele. Also, most people don’t know this. But Lena Dunham was Hillary Hammer Time Cankle’s Social Media Community Manager for her 2-time loser campaign for the presidency of the United States of America. Only Lena Dunham could make Hillary less likeable and relatable in one blubbery swoop, but I digress.
To make matters worse at my wedding, my dad insisted on telling all my friends how much my wedding shoes cost, treating me like his faggy, bridezilla underling. Which wasn’t a fair representation of what makes me flaming gay such as my propensity to jerk off my old high school bud to Taste of Amber and Scandal and the Mansion because a friend at camp introduced him to the harmless practice, of mutual tickle jerks under the covers, together. Still, the obvious low point at my wedding was when my Dad told our wedding DJ to turn down the Star Fucking Spangled Banner by Jimi Hendrix from Woodstock. The very Woodstock he attended and bragged about non-stop about attending. Although, he never saw Jimi perform because apparently at that the time, all the hippies starving to death, out of cats to eat with tushy rash rott in addition to images of unreported, drug induced rapes and  toddlers tripping on acid became too much bear. Even for Hunter S. Thompson’s hopped up Gonzo pieces on Nixon and his generations brains being ripped off by a 2 bit, hack con men like CIA Acid stash proliferating Dr. Timothy Leary. Jimi Hendrix had actually unleashed his guitar, carpet bombing, anti-war anthem piece of electric guitar mastery at the Hollywood Bowl before his scene stealing performance at Woodstock post Joe Cocker having performed a stroke in slow motion for Little Help from My Friends. What was my father’s excuse for telling our wedding DJ to turn off Jimi? Because Jimi’s aerial guitar Vietcong bomb drop renditions were too intense for all of his non-serving Jewish friends in attendance to bear. It would be one thing if his Jewish friend Sil from the Bronx served with Ron Kovac or was held captive like McCain and was trigged to jump behind the wet bar for cover. I took personal offense to this asshole, controlling gesture on my dad’s behalf because I controlled the wedding playlist. This was my creation, not his. In case you’re wondering, we closed out the wedding, with Frank Sinatra’s New York, New York and closed with Jay Z’s Empire State of Mind, which just hit. Sorry, Frank, we chose to close our wedding with a more resounding, modern day feeling bang.
If I could do it all over again for my wedding, I would’ve have posted an ad on Craig’s List for a substitute Wise Black Grandma to replace my absentee whiney, Jewish Grandma. The Craig’s List ad would read, “Wise Black Grandma needed for wedding in Woodstock, NY, full expenses paid, Tyler Perry impersonators are welcome. Just understand, we only have 1 black friend attending, so you must be comfortable performing in front of primarily white audiences only.”
So, what does my dad being a controlling, arrogant, baby boomer dick have to do with how book authors are fire proof? They’re related because I tried really hard to make a living in sales similar to my father and it never materialized for me. My dad for very well but his career in packaging sales didn’t take off until his early forties. In fact, my mom saw an ad in the paper for a sales manager job which he applied for and got. In actuality, my dad lied about so-called management experience to get the job and the gamble payed huge dividends for himself in the end. Now, his wife, my mother who worked at JP Morgan Chase as a Loan Officer. Who always made more money than him, was no longer in an exalted, leveraged position to belittle or talk down to her lifetime partner in love like her faggy, you only exist because of me underling any longer.

Knowing my father took a gamble to achieve what success he did as a VP of Sales. Who turned a fledging packaging company into the 90 million in sales machine under his direction. It’s not a complete shock to know my Dad isn’t 100% against me writing a book about working from home and falling for Fatherhood as a stay at home, aspirational do it all dad comedian book author. My dad never articulated what his vision was if he decided to launch his own business. Still, his default response for not following through for whatever vision he possessed was because it was too risky and he had my brother and I to support. On top of having to earn enough money to pay for $20,000 a year property taxes in Westchester Country, only 30 minutes from Manhattan by Metro North I get it.

But I know what I want now more than ever before. I can articulate my dream for myself which serves my own personal ambition and the betterment of my wife and 3 children. And that’s not to just become a published, parenting book author. Fuck that. My dream is to write the funniest, most readable, most moving, Jewish suburban tale of modern-day fatherhood ever made. I’ll be a big fish in my own pond. Who’s my competition, Philp Roth’s son if he has one? Did Saul Bellow bang out any promising upstart, literary off spring capable of producing laugh yankers on the page and off that I don’t know about? The thing is I tried to make it as an IT headhunter yet never became the Rain Maker like my father did. Me, I was much more a trickler.

Still, headhunting made me the man I am today. There’s no way I could endure the heartbreaking isolation and rejection from old school fake news friends and my own parents as a stay at home comedian author/ Podcast Host/Dad Friendly Entertainment Blogger. Without the congealed inner toughness such a thankless, advance attack forward on mentality the new business development form of IT staffing engenders within in you.

I love all my ex-headhunter brethren because they pushed me to become a better version of me. They respected my fearlessness, my developing comedic writing inventiveness. In short, they couldn’t knock my hustle. My old boss Larry, god bless him, would let me take breaks from cold calling IT directors at UBS and beyond to sample new material on my old school band of recruiter brothers in the afternoon to help break up the day. Even my old boss Dan at Robert Half allowed the same after our morning meetings, yet Robert Half is public traded company so that new morning routine got shut down real fast and it wasn’t because I was producing dead air either.

Nobel Prize for Literature winner George Bernard Shaw said, “hell is to drift, and heaven is to steer.” The key for me is picking my 1st big race to win and not being an all over the place Jew for once in my life. I got into standup because an alum from Ithaca told me it would make me a better writer. But I only got into the dream of writing TV scripts for TV after my ex-girlfriend in LA pushed me to start writing specs for Curb which made me fall in the love with the idea of a creative, fun filled alternative to make a living that didn’t require my compulsory need to use my day of atonement for Yom Kippur in Los Angeles. My 1st year as an IT Headhunter, paying my own way in the word, only to focus on reading the Long Beach Business Journal for new company info to sollcit business from before LinkedIn and smart phones emerged. Eliminating the need to stay at work past 7 every night to get more numbers from 411 to cold call the next morning all over again.

Eventually, I wrote for TV, not the way I intended. I thought I’d be writing Family Guy scripts. Instead, I was writing music video intro reads for Iron Maiden for the host of Americas Hard 100, WWE great, Chris Jericho. I’ll take it. My old producer boss Jay Moran introducing me as the Head Writer for the America’s Hard special he was in charge of producing 100 at Viacom corporate in Manhattan, “my city” as Walt Whitman said back in the day was a heavy metal high moment, I’ll cherish forever. But the stakes are way higher now. Now, I have 3 kids compared to only Singing Rose Matilda. And it’d true, “pressure does create diamonds.” Which explains the comedy tear I’ve been on now since getting fired from Robert Half 3 years ago. Every retweet or blog like has been a win, knowing my aim as has always been laugh generation. But now my goals have expanded past mere laugh generation but into more expressive, beauty terrain. Describing how your baby boy’s hand clench against yours makes up for almost 99% of the poor, poor, pitiful pain in your heart. By describing the shrieks of joy my 20-month-old son makes when I give him playful, falling putzy apple tree head butts into his midsection or roll him into a pink Cubano with our overpriced towels from our wedding I get to reconnect with what I want more of in this new big dream of mine. And that’s to be the Golly Blue Giant dream maker at home as a stay at home dad comedian shooting star author on the rise.

Bought my kids a telescope from Goodwill for 28 bucks for the 1st night of Chanukah. And just learned about Blue Giant stars. Basically, they shine brightest because they’re condensed with the most loaded, compact material. And that’s what I’ve poured into my book that you’re reading right now, Stay at Home Comedian. I wouldn’t have been capable of producing this book 4 years ago because I didn’t know what I wanted out of life outside of sticking with my goal of writing for TV and proving to myself I could do it.

As a bestselling author, I become the functional Dead Head I’ve always wanted to become. Making money off my own creations, Assuming ownership of my own ideas.  Profiting off my own self-driven hustle, not out of fear from getting fired for some job I’m just doing to provide breathing room to write jokes to do on stage on the side. That chapter in my life is finished.

God didn’t give me 3 kids to have a panic attack over it. As a book author, I’m fire proof because I’ll never act like an entitled dick the majority of the time. As a book author, I’m fire proof because I don’t have the luxury or time to be an aspirational, functional pothead on the side with 3 kids to co-raise and house to co-manage either. As a book author, I’m fire proof because any quotas I set for myself, I’ll exceed because the only thing limiting me from writing my way out of poverty into literary glory is mere time to sit my ass on the chair. I also bought from that 7000-dollar commission check to bang out more free flowing prose on my pleasure machine.

The meaning of Hanukah is dedication. And no miracle of light can happen without the combination of dedication and unwavering faith in your hard work materializing by the grace of divine powered blessing when the all mighty makes the timing right. I just learned about getting 19 blogged chapters of the Stay at Home Comedian republished on the Good Men Project. It’s my time to shine.

Book Author are fire proof unless, my book Stay at Home Comedian doesn’t sell and my wife kicks me out of the house for good. But I’m in the driver seat of a life of my choosing now. I’m writing a bestselling book, Stay at Home Comedian and already have my next 2 follow up books planned. I’m in it to win it as a bestselling parenting book author and face of the new remote good men, dad, remote work revolution. Because at home on the page, I rule my destiny.

My old sales boss at a recruitment agency in Manhattan Beach, said to me. “Michael, you’re very eclectic. I see you as a thoroughbred but in order to become a winner, you have to pick your race. I finally have Terry. Thanks for the words of wisdom and sorry about acting like an entitled, arrogant, NY dick  Doing 0.0 to reverse the perception of my people as a whole, meaning New Yorkers in general, not s much my other people Jews otherwise. Your killer farmer’s son work ethic rubbed on me Terry. Not that I was slacker working for you. Still, you always said. “What do you want your tombstone to say when your time on this earth is complete?”

Finally got the answer Terry. Michael Kornbluth, Author, although knock kneed putz turned Pulitzer prize winner has a nice ring to it also. I know Terry. Focus on winning one race at a time. But I must dream bigger like my daughter says. Most can write a best seller, but it’s the ones who never gave up. Whose will to win reigned supreme such as Charles Bukowski, Rodney Dangerfield and Secretariat, the horse, who became living legends in their time. Just because my ego got tripped up at the starting gate, from being a prematurly branded, learning-disabled slow poke brain student in the 5th grade. Doesn’t mean I can’t launch a comeback around the bend, kick up dirt into my dream detractor faces now behind me with enraged delight and fly past that finish line as a successful, bestselling book author winner. Then, getting my wife a new set of boobs for my birthday will be the most selfless gift ever. Because if my wife forgets to buy me something special after my book Stay At Home Comedian becomes a best seller. She’ll be off the hook. And Katy Perry will have to wait.
By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

Twitter Shadow Banned Test

Whenever I’m out with my 3 kids, I’ll always hear. You’ve got your hands full. I reply. If my wife allowed an open marriage with Katy Perry, assuming I became a best selling author, I’d have my hands full, day and night, night and day.

INT. OFFICE
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Book Authors are fire proof. Unless your book doesn’t sell and mommy throws you out of the house for good.
Son
Your office is on fire.

Stay At Home Comedian Dad laughs long time.

Getting my wife a new set of boobs for my birthday is a selfless gift. Because if my wife forgets to buy me something special after my book Stay At Home Comedian becomes a best seller. She’ll be off the hook.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Cascading Jokes On My Day of Rest

Vegetarians and Pescatarians don’t get enough protein counter punches for my kids to strike back with. Omnivores like yourself are more likely to get cancer. Increased hypertension knowing how much your parents mishandled your health isn’t helping you either.

In the brewery bathroom with 2 of my 3 kids. My 1st born is taking a number 2. Outside I hear. Who locks a public bathroom door? I reply. I got 2 kids in here. Take your Michael Jackson appreciation party someplace else

My daughter’s hilarious Mermaid deformity theory.
Mermaids are deformed and not fully developed women from head to toe because they ate too much seafood when they were pregnant. F you Louie CK. You wish your daughter was this hilarious. You to Rock.

Int. Used Book Shop
4 Year Old Son
Daddy, can you grab that book for me?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
For Mr. Fantastic it wouldn’t be a stretch.
The puns just keeping pouring out of me today kiddo.

Texting funny to my friend.
Very proud of your sobriety bud. Natalia is taking the kids to the Bronx Zoo soon. I’ll be free to talk after I jerk off to mounting Pam Grier in Zebra print lingerie as an oversexed Zoologist.

What else are you banned from Daddy?
Besides the salon for my Hillary jokes. I got banned from the Comedy Cellar for going long because I was off to a strong start for once and invited my own caravan to attend.

I’m not 100% gay. I just never wanted to want to bang my wife too much. 3 kids later or not. What are my options now? Bang a German hooker the 1 time I had my wife agree to before we got married? Wear 5 condoms to extend my time in my occupied territory indefinitely?

INT. Coffee Shop
Older Woman
Your baby is the Gerber Baby come to life.
Stay At Home Comedian
Thank God I didn’t knock up Kathy Griffin instead.
Lately she looks like Clifford and Trans Chucky had a baby.

Int. Record Shop
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Simply Red. Just the shot of testosterone I was looking for.
You don’t find that funny, UB40? At least the owner did to confirm my raging inferno inside.

Give my baby boy a pretend jump back breaker in the elevator. Wife freaks out in disgust despite my baby boy’s shrieks of pure, flowing joy. You’re going to make the elevator jam. Wife shrieks knowing her precious boy is never this loosey goosey in her arms.

INT. Brewery
Fish and Chips arrive as 1 plop of fried fish and fries on my plate.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
My fried fish looks like a Knish.
Waiter laughs.
Now, my Limey Aussie wife is going to tell me I’m being too difficult.

INT. Bagel Store
Old Recruiter Bud
I got into sales leadership.
Now, I mange a sales team for a literacy technology company.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Kids use your platform to start off reading USA today in class instead of Sheraton Inn lobbies.

I hate Pizza tossers who tense around my beautiful offspring in their mediocre NY pizzerias. Your vodka sauce looks like brownish shit. Your marinara sauce is serviceable at best. And your Pinocchio nose looks like it got caught in a wood chipper Luigi.

Loved Joan Rivers on Fashion Police. Her story about Lenny Bruce saying they’re wrong, keeping her going after bombing for 2 weeks in a row was very inspiring for me. Still, her greatest hits on Spotify make Rodney feel the like classier, smarter, funnier act, sorry.
Madison Avenue is dead.
Some moron erects a billboard with KP and Durant saying “Make The Knicks Great Again.” Are you kidding me? Durant hates pushy, Jewy NY reporters more than 25 pound Kettle bell curls. Use your head morons.

Got the No Respect Rodney record on Vinyl today. Rodney was 43 when it came out. Which explains why my 3 kids to his 2 at 42 for me has produced such pressure packed gemry. Knowing I never had a lucrative paint sales career to fall back on in the 1st place.

By,

Michael Korbluth

Jokes I Won’t Do in Manhattan Tonight

It’s time to lay off the Amazon Cloud. When your 4 year old son threatens to stab you in the heart 1st thing in the morning because you deny him instant gratification from his Futurama TV.

Astrology Off
Matilda, you got Einstein, George Washington. Arthur has Dr. King, Ben Franklin. Dammit Arthur is beating me already. Baby Samuel has Alice Cooper, Lincoln. I don’t like this game anymore daddy. Pisces are very competitive.

Int. Whole Foods
Barista
Is your baby always so chill?
Stay at Home Comedian Dad
He isn’t with her. Plus, his mommy isn’t an American Pyscho.
She’s originally from Australia. So that helps.

My 7 Year Old Daughter’s glimmers of Atheism.
Your baby brother’s new nickname is number 1 Capricorn. Plus, he stems from the 1st man on earth Adam. Daughter interjects. We all come from Apes Dada. Stop acting so evolved already Female Flash.

He’s So Happy Retort
My baby is already familiar with Bob Marley’s earlier work during his prime crooning pre-Concrete Jungle, chase those Crazy Baldheads out of town phase.

Unlikely post on LinkedIn.
I think God Gives Kids to Only The Lonely is obviously funnier and far less depressing than God Gives Kids to the Lonely. Agreed fake news funny commentators?

Int. Whole Foods
Stay At Home Comedian
Dad
Nice pin, All Good. I’m assuming Jeff Bezos gave you his pin number for his JP Morgan account. Assuming, you emote online about the muffled shrieks of despair on The Hand Maid’s Tale.

The baby is so happy. Old men hate him for it because my precious offspring highlights how loud and annoying their kids were growing up. Knowing their wives failed at making their kids any chiller on even a part time basis.

Daddy propping up Columbus.
Daddy, Columbus gave the Indians diseases. Pretty sure Charlie Sheen planted his seeds of destruction and gave his fair share away at the last AVN convention in Mohegan Sun. Nobody’s taken down Major League off Cinemax yet.

Michael Savage interviewing Ziggy Marley.
Studies prove excessive weed use lowers your sperm count.
Ziggy replies. My father had 12 kids. Fake news man.

Michelle Obama is class personified no doubt. As the ex 1st lady has she ever gone on record stating her 2 girls are composed, bright, celestial beams of light because she held them to higher social standards than ANTIFA? Just curious.

Bloomberg could’ve run against Trump the way Bernie did. So much for 2017 being the year for Atheist Jews.

Int. Pre-K
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I got Arthur’s mom to take all 3 kids to Delaware for a long weekend. So I can get my book proposal out already. And not be a bitchy, dependent, underling the rest of my life.

Int. Tavern
Older Woman
Your son is gorgeous. Your wife must be fetching in her own right.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
But her arm fat. Which my other 5 year old son points out at the dinner table. Weighs heavily on her overall bangability index score.

Michael Savage on Kayne
I’m sick to my stomach. This low life rapper debased the same desk I sat across from the President. Great work Savage. You’ve straddled the Imus, nappy headed you know what line out of pure ego driven jealously alone.

Memo to Dr. Savage
Your huffy, gruff, old man get off my oval office assessment of Kayne West makes me want to smoke weed again so I never end up sounding like you. Once, I’m done reading your book Stop Mass Hysteria. You’re so off the list.

Robert E Lee quote: “Slavery as an institution is a moral and political evil in any country.” But have fun with your pretend race war twitter twats. Last time I checked, Trump beat Hillary not Obama. Obama just introduced her at Jay Z rallies.

Me being an intentional dick to my wife.
Oh, baby Arthur said Baba to grandma.
That’s pretty miraculous because he’s only seen her 6 times so far max, correct?
Sorry, she’s done goonish to help me out.

Is any defeat of Penn State really a surprise now? Karma is in constant prevent feel good mode for Penn State football fans left, sorry.

Astrology Off Part Part 2
Matilda, you got Einstein, George Washington. Arthur has Dr. King, Ben Franklin. Baby Samuel has Alice Cooper, Lincoln. Dada’s got Van Gogh, Eddie Murphy. Daughter kicks me as my son throws change at my face.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Mind of My Waiving Baby

Resist my release power of love baby. My daddy called himself Dragon Lungs before Kayne starting dropping dragon power. For the record.

Funnier dad, happier baby. Looks like your shit out of luck kid.

You can call me the Flirt Show if you’d like. Call me in 11 years and 4 months. Then, I’ll be a Hebrew Hammer Man according to Deuteronomy. Dada has been brushing up on his Old Testament lately, Deuteronomy.

I don’t need Kayne West for permission to release the love long time. Thank you very much.

 

My dad quit weed for me. And that was his 2nd true love after the Knicks and Katie King in Cape Cod. No offense mom.

Raise your hands if you don’t just care. Give it a try today Obama. I double dare.

Dada always tells me how God gave me the universe. So don’t be an asshole about it. So excuse my excessive feel good vibe asshole. New York mommies have issues.

My mom’s boobs taste better than yours do. According to Dada, mommy tastes better than most.

Have you ever been the beneficiary of a harmonica rib or a falling putzy apple tree head smash into your midsection? No wonder your miserable. So excuse me while I ooze more positive vibrations into the air.

Dada knows best. This Trump Train is bound for glory. And pretty soon, dada is going to buy this town. With all his comedy gold. That’s what he’s going to do. That’s what he’s going to do.

I’m Dada’s air guitar appendage. And Metallica fires me up like Moth into the Flame. Sold your soul. Build a higher wall. Daddy, says anyone who says Metallica stopped rocking from the Black album on is fake news.

I hear daddy score laugh yankers from strangers all day long. He’s more of a stay young at heart dad. Despite being a 42 year old unemployed comedian. Have a feeling his book will be huge though.

The Johnny Cash shot of flipping the bird is overrated. Plus, Shel Silverstein wrote his best song A Boy Named Sue, sorry. Does it hurt? My big sister can sing Ring of Fire verbatim though

My life is one endless red carpet except I don’t live in Rape Wood. Thank God Dada got out alive

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

Jokes Not on God Gives Kids to the Lonely

Note to Knicks fan left. Resist the urge to read Sports Illustrated at the Doctors office this month. We boast less talent around us than Charlie Sheen at an AVN after hours mixer these days.
Mom texts. We enjoyed talking to the kids so much last Sunday. Can we make it a tradition? I text back. Tell Eric Holder to dial back the fast and furious Lynch Mob rhetoric. Or acknowledge 1 pic of your grandchildren hugging flags without feeling so triggered to ANTIFA bomb our relationship into the ground and will talk.

Child Services Button Pick up medication for my baby boy at CVS. Ask the Pharmacist. If I forgot either the date or year on my son’s birthday, are you obligated by law to press a Child Services Button immediately? Unfit stoner honkkk!
Mismatching Baby Shoes on purpose. At least, he’s wearing shoes on the right foot. This makes you the Baby Shoe Guardian Angel? I knew choosing to keep the mismatched pair on after I found the missing 1 would pay off in the end fatty.
Bloomberg could’ve run against Trump the way Bernie did. So much for 2017 being the year for Atheist Jews.
Do It All Dad Class President Advice

When your opponent goes low, just call them “fake news tough.” You’ll be a black in belt in Kung Fu by then. If they try to prove you wrong, you can get Kumite on their ass real fast.

Unlikely post on LinkedIn. I think God Gives Kids to Only the Lonely is obviously funnier and far less depressing than God Gives Kids to the Lonely. Agreed fake news funny commentators?
My hilarious son entering my office. Give me a pen. And I’m keeping it with me. Even after I’m dead.

 

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Leftover Jokes This Week

Metal Pride in The House:
4 Year Old Son declares to his 7 Year Old Sister.
I’m Metal. You’re Lady Gaga.
Big Sis says. I’m Lady Gaga with Metallica. You’re the singer from Annie.

Do It All Dad Halloween Tip:
Stay inside and play dress up with your kids.
And hang up an ISIS flag outside your home to scare away other trick or treaters.

Working on Reframing
My wife isn’t emoting about my new nicknames for our kids. Jim Junior for our son Arthur Morrison Kornbluth if he’s rocking the leather. And Courtesy for Matilda after she makes 4 shots in a row. Because she lacks my nurturing touch.

Twitter can’t lock my account over this remark.
F you Trump for giving my tweet pic of 3 kids hugging flags inspired by your previous patriotic act goonish. Had a heart warming message to boot. Are you a fake news patriot like Bush hopping out of planes now.

Twitter can’t lock my account over this.
F you Trump, for giving my tweeted pic of my 3 kids hugging flags goonish. I’ve only ended 20 year friendships, formed hatred in my parents hearts & ruined any shot of ever getting a white collar interview again defending you.

F you Trump, for giving the tweet pic of my 3 kids hugging flags goonish. I’ve only ended 20 year friendships, formed hatred in my parents hearts & ruined any shot of ever getting a white collar interview again through my relentless support on your behalf. No big deal.

Int. Kitchen
Father of 3 cleaning when today is supposed to be my work day.
Wife
Are you done banging?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
The cutting board I was cleaning slipped.
Was the aggressive clang too upsetting to bear?

Wife ruining smoke Sunday bagels.
The 1st bite of salmon was off. So I couldn’t enjoy the rest.
I feel the same way about your dad’s wedding speech and every time he’s opened his mouth since. You have a good sense of direction. We get it.

 

American Dad Note:
Never text pics of your flowering offspring hugging American Flags to unmarried buds in their early forties ever. No response is good enough. It’s too much forced passing reality to ingest in 1 take.

Husband
Dr. Savage says all the rampant feces and fleas in the streets of San Francisco can cause the next plague.
Wife
At least, you don’t listen to Rush Limbaugh.
Husband
His compound in West Palm Beach is huge. Your dad will co-sign on a loan, yay.

Working on My Reframing:
My wife assumed I was ordering her to make a hummus sandwich from scratch. After my daughter’s request to pack a picnic for their hike to the lake because of the pushy IT recruitment culture which shaped the man I am today.

Working on my Reframing:
Wife blanked on me making homemade hummus earlier this week because I’m not the only 1 with a listening problem. When she assumed I was ordering her to make a hummus sandwich from scratch for a picnic hike with the kids.

Husband
The Chinese have stolen 225 billion of intellectual property from us.
Wife
The Russians are just as bad.
Husband
Sure in like 1985 when slogans like “You Sunk My Battleship” ruled the commercial airwaves pre-fake news.
Daddy, Trump is older than Papa? Wow, papa looks awful compared to him. Having good hair helps. The root of papa’s hate for me is me making him bald prematurely. I’m sure of it.

Funny to think of Hillary as a former 1st lady anymore. I thought ladies could handle their wine and not require spill handlers. I bet Reese Witherspoon can balance Pride & Prejudice on her head after a bottle of white burgundy.

My 7 year old daughter talking down to her elitist grandmother like an unsophisticated deplorable. Strawberry Ice Cream is a baby ice cream flavor me-me.

Daddy, I’m bored with Rock and Roll. Eddie Van Halen does sound repetitive on a 12 minute version of Eruption. I agree.

Notes from new school lunch column Crazy, Good Daddy
I get up from our favorite table to get my small milk from the cafeteria. And Sharon complains again. You’re always disappearing on me. She sounds like Mama in 30 years flat.

Notes from new school lunch column Crazy, Good Daddy

Daddy, nobody likes raisins at school. And I mean nobody. Fine, I won’t give your classmates Barley Wine for Halloween.

Defending Masturbation
Blowing off your 3 grandchildren 355 days a year for more Whoopie on the View and Stormy Daniels money shot reveals on CNN and ABC is morally damaging.

Defending Masturbation
I’m supposed to believe Harvard Law benefits society more than my splendid iso jerks? The law students at Harvard Law banned Kavanaugh from teaching law there because he was deemed too aggressively prep schoolish.
The best thing about #Meto is that I can’t be accused of trying to force myself against my wife these days because I pass out after 2 minutes from being in her presence again. Regardless if high octane IPA’s are in my system or not.

Daddy, Shannon says. “The problem with being vegetarian, is you don’t get enough protein.”  Challenge Shannon to an arm wrestle in the cafeteria. You’ll break her argument in 2. Sounds too over the top Dada.

Trump’s the Anti Christ. But Jesus returns to defeat the Anti Christ. So have some faith in the Jesus comeback story people. Actually, had to Google Anti-Christ. Thinking, Pig Vomit calls Howard it. So it can’t be that bad.

Int. Pizzeria
Trump is a bad guy bro! If you don’t agree. We can’t talk no more. Ivanka Trump is going to President in 2024. But don’t stop resisting. But Ivanka’s some Fallen Angel hell bent on getting back at daddy.

Daddy, would Trump hug this flag? Thank you for capturing the essence of who our President is at his core in the most innocent hued, patriotic laced inquiry ever, USA, USA!

Daddy, did you know Shannon never sees her parents? Her grandparents look after Shannon and her brothers all the time. Shannon barely utters a peep. Her grandparents must be borderline catatonic.
The Howard Stern Private Parts flick loses its white washed moral heft decades later knowing Howard dumped Alison in the end for you know who. Also, Dice ages a tad better than Howard because he isn’t nearly as grandstanding moralizing.

Jay Mohr doesn’t project the same amount of gravitas I recall in Jerry Maguire anymore. And Tom Cruise’s chompers are enormous. Last, fuck Orlando Bloom for ruining Cameron’s Crowe’s killer hot streak.

Daddy, why doesn’t mommy ever got to Church? She’s still Christian right? She worships mother nature instead and the Whole Foods Quinona salad bar offerings a tad more. It’s a scared mother grain of the Incas for a reason.

By,

Michael Kornbluth