Chosen Clutch Ones

I love my new Air Jordans. They’re called 6 Rings. Lebron calls them. Wind beneath my Arch Angel Wings. What? According to Snopes Knows Best, Arch Angels are the second lowest rank of angels, after MJ, Larry Bird, and Magic. You don’t believe me, King of the Persecution Complex? Snopes Knows Best is a well-regarded fact-checking website, according to MAGA-hating Alexa. Snopes Knows Best debunks urban legends like you being the one most like Michael. Dunking at your son’s high school basketball games during warm-ups isn’t equal to Nate the Great skying over Dwight Howard in a Superman cape champ.

Stop pouting, King. I know you want to call Jokic a white Serbian nationalist worse than calling Anthony Davis softer than the Grand Dragon’s new pillowcase thread count after getting a gift certificate for his birthday on

Jokic taunting you in your dreams as the fake news chosen one who just got swept in the Western Conference Finals is a terrifying thought to contemplate in a post-thug’s lives matters most universe; I get it.

But if you’re serious about getting bumped up to Jesus Shuttlesworth’s status in He Got Game. Then, rely on something other than a Hall of Fame sharpshooter to bail you out for the NBA finals game. Instead, win three more rings to be spoken in the same breath as Choke Free Jordan, champ. But oddsmakers leftover from Tony Soprano’s crew, since Jimmy the Greek’s extended family went into the Gender Fluid Greek Spa tour business, are betting against you flying high among choke-free angels of yesteryear like Mike if you think teaming up with your son Brony Bonbons from Bel Air will get the job done. Didn’t his school Sierra Canyon High School, lose to Harvard West Lake, where Jason Segel from How I Met Your Mother used to be considered a low post-threat?

Larry Bird beat Magic on a team that had Worthy and Kareem on it with a broken back. Magic Johnson never took flopping lessons from Lena Dunham, rocking the arm flapper look on Instagram, while getting into character for the Hunchback of Bushwick during Restaurant Week.

Higher ranking angels like MJ, Bird, and Magic were consistently choke-free, which you can’t claim based on your shooting percentages in 4th quarter games against the white Serbian nationalist alone.

Make HIV disappear like Magic without access to his top-secret Truvada stash and you’ll achieve higher ranking angel status in my book, United We Laugh, I prove it every day.

Chosen Clutch Ones live, Challah thank you very much. 

Michael Kornbluth