Chapter 22 The Beamish Rabbi Levite

Chapter 22

The Beamish Rabbi Levite

Rabbi Klein wasn’t a huge fan of Joshua, as he helped him study his Haftorah portion for his Bar Mitzvah, but he didn’t treat him like an ineffectual jerkoff, moronic putz of the most deplorable either. He recalls, Rabbi Klein even making warm hearted comment about his friends during a mini-summation of Joshua’s character, which makes him smile now, because it was before certain friends tried to depreciate his TV writing break, after he was hired as the Head Writer in charge of writing all the TV host music video reads for WWE Chris Jericho, on VH1 Classic, America’s Hard 100 years later, inquiring, “Did they even pay you for it?” No, they just paid Joshua in cum stained, zebra print Spandex, from David Lee Roth, the Hard Rock Café, choose to pass on in favor of an autographed empty bottle of Slash’s Jewy curl activator.

Joshua met Rabbi Sarah at a nearby Synagogue in Mahopac, NY recently who was funny, and very personable, coming off like a flat chested, higher IQ Judy Gold. He had no idea if she was a bush muncher or not. Still, he loved how she made the Saturday Synagogue services very upbeat, welcoming and business casual without stripping the house of worship of the deep-rooted holiness preening through the flawless, Stained Glass Windows, without the original super Jew, Jesus Christ in sight. But what bothered Joshua about the Rabbi, was a conversation over some Challah noshes after the service, when he tried to gain a stronger grasp, on why Jews got so tense when the mere name of Jesus was brought up in conversation, especially when Joshua would get into his Pescatarian schtick about how if a diet of fish and veggies was good enough for Jesus, the original super Jew, it was good enough for him. Back then, when Joshua references his pescatarian diet, he was basically referencing his diet of Fish Fillets from McDonald’s, Smoked Salmon scrambles made from home, veggie loaded soups with a stream of sneaked in lentils from his wife, and the occasional Fried Shrimp feast, draped in golden, glistening, panko breadcrumbs from nearby Stu Leonard’s in Danbury, CT, before he went all in on the Kosher diet, to obey God’s law, show some mastery over his carnal appetites and feel like a less all over the place Jew for a pleasant change of pace. Not too long ago, Joshua took a break from reading his kids the Old Testament book, with some accompanying, colorful pictures for kids because the wrath of God in the Noah’s Ark Story, he could tell was freaking out his a 9 year old, daughter, so he decided to lighten the mood and start reading to his daughter Matilda and her 2 younger brothers from the Bhagavad Gita, later inspiring Joshua to write a pilot titled Horsing Around With Hinduism, about a talking horse trainer who helps whip his stand up comedy act into shape, before taking his act on the road for Barnstorming Farmer’s Markets USA. One time over a reading of the Bhagavad Gita, Joshua’s daughter, askes her Dada, “What’s meditation Dada?” Joshua says, “A bunch of breathing exercises, with a mantra for some thrown in between, to make your feel like a less all over the place Jew.” Daughter says, “You’re not very good at meditation are you Dada?”

Now, Joshua was being called into Rabbi Levite’s office in Crown Heights, Brooklyn. He saw Gold Medal wins from the Great American Beer Festival, hung prominently on his office study walls throughout. Joshua also notices a signed framed record cover of Hello Nasty, the last Beastie Boys Album, which Joshua always considered an underrated classic. Later, Ad Rock from the legendary Beastie Boys trio had called the record, the Beastie Boy’s finest and Joshua agreed. An old school Hebrew School bud, who showcased Jappier preppy tastes than Joshua did later in college for the sole fact he always rocked the matching brown belt, in perfect unison with his brown berks, always commented on Joshua’s rock solid taste, after he went off one of his impassioned rants about how the movie Bugsy, was Warren Beauty’s best film by far, and on par with Godfather 1, 2 and even Carlito’s Way for that matter. “Ester and Scarsdale is none of your business”, Joshua was fond of acting out in front of his old school Hebrew friends, when they got older and drank away another Christmas college break at local bar JP’s in Hartsdale Village, proving Jews could hold their liquor better than most, even when you combined major weed puffage in between, proving, some of the chosen people had more brain cells to burn than most. Joshua also noticed, a signed autographed picture of Vin Diesel and the Rabbi during his shooting of the film, Knockaround Guys, where Vin Diesel, plays a bad ass Jewish knockout artist and gives the intimidating, pysch out speech of all time, before unleashing his freakish Hank Greenburg walloping strength and knocks this poor hick’s skin off his face, all over the bar room floor, “500, 500 fights, 500 street fights and youcould consider yourself a legitimate tough guy. You need them for experience, to develop leather skin, so I got started.” Rabbi Levite, comments on Joshua’s eyes fixated on the Rabbi’s pic with Vin Diesel. “Super smart guy, Vin Diesel, huge fan of our people. Loved the Vin man in the overlooked Sidney Lumet gem, Find Me Guilty. Vin was a bouncer at the Tunnel during my hard-core Ecstasy phase back in the day. He’d kick the shit out of Ryan Reynolds after funneling a 12 pack of Molson Canadians, easy. How can I help you Joshua? I hear from Golda you’re a budding scribe on the rise.” “Rabbi, I’m questioning my desire to hide behind the page forever. What I love best about the art of creation is tapping into the divine and surprising myself on the page instead of doing pre-written jokes of mine on my Do It All Dad Year Podcast, dad friendly entertainment for you and me. My great, Aunt Marion saw me do a stand-up comedy set at the Broadway Comedy Club ages ago, and I’m not one to let others labels limit my creative firepower, but her insisting, I was more of a rant type guy, stuck with me. Then, I recall my best bud growing up Ari, insisting I could be a good stand up but a great writer. I also think about what Neil Simon said about how when you’re a comedy writer, you’ll always be relegated to the kiddy table, which I don’t mind so much, because I prefer the company of children over most adults any day of the week, especially my own. Still, I’m so tired of hearing lines such as, “the jokes write themselves,” which they never do. Plus, I’m so tired of giving 2 shits about the opinions of so-called friends regarding any new material I create, when I’m still not getting paid for it. Joining a bunch of other 40 to 50-year old’s for singing lessons, to sing Allman Brothers tunes, doesn’t do it for me either. I just want to be my unique, original, semi-ranty, super punchy self and become a semi working artist before I die. Please, interject anytime before I run out breath Rabbi, I’m begging you.” Rabbi Levite says, “So you want to do more than just write behind a computer, because it makes you like an ineffectual, Jewish pussy like the rest of us artist types in our tribe, correct? “That’s correct, Rabbi”, Joshua says. Is it my fascination with Jewish tough guy stars like Bugsy Seagal and ones who play them like Vin Diesel in Knock Around Guys, a dead giveaway?” Rabbi says, “Fret or fight, that is the question. My advice is you fight by any means necessary for what you believe in Joshua. God didn’t make you to be more a indecisive Jew than Jared Kushner at the salad the bar at the Bellagio. You were a born a star personality, I can feel it, so make your inner light shine the best way you know how. And try to limit your IPA intake to the weekends, because they’re 400 calories hop bombs and the camera adds ten pounds to your enormous yet well proportioned head. You should give my younger brother, Solomon a call, he’s a hipster Hasid who just launched his own brewery and he’s looking for a big viral video idea for his new flagship release the beer, the, The Great Jewish American Pale Ale. He got a perfect score on his Barron’s chemist exam, after taking it the 6th grade, graduated John Hopkins in 2 years flat with a degree in Microbiology. You can be the branding bashert partner he’s been looking for. Or you can relearn how to read Hebrew and get a Bar Mitzvah again to exert your manhood in a more erudite way.” Joshua says, “I got 3 kids Rabbi, out of state of grandparents on both sides and I still haven’t recruited a Jewish Godmother, who could make up for my religious education shortcomings. I’ll give Schmendel a call instead. Thanks for your help Rabbi Levite. You’re the best of the rest.

Chapter 18 The Spiritual Bankrupt Jew

                                                              Chapter 18

                                                The Spiritual Bankrupt Jew


Sure, when Joshua lived in LA for six years, he always tracked down some random Synagogue on Yom Kippur, even on the UCLA campus one year, where he spotted the Blossom gal, during her stay at home Jewish housewife years, before the Big Bang Theory sent her salary demands into heavenly heights, thanks to the continued emergence of nerd power in Hollywood here to stay.  Still the entire concept of a real, pulsating Godly presence in his heart, body and soul only emerged after he fell in love the craft of writing joke heavy stories and serving lady laugh with all his freakish, crazy Jew, wailing might.  Specifically, Joshua was fond of paraphrasing singer songwriter, rock legend of the Bowery, Lou, waiting for my man and I got to balls sing about it, motherfucking Reed, when he described his creative writing process by stating, it’s a spiritual release, because my lyrics are way smarter and deeper than I am in real life. That’s exactly how Joshua felt about the entire act of creation since he wrote his first Friend’s spec scrip by himself, without the assistance of his girlfriend writing partner, Erica who couldn’t compare to what powers of higher power might, he’d channel from God whenever he took the deep dive into emotive, expression land in his mind and onto the keyboard again. Joshua would occasionally write out ideas with a fancy felt tip pens from Staples, which he’d charge as his big-time lavish business expense while working as an IT headhunter in Century City and beyond, so his handwriting developed a smoother, more defined, less all over the place, crazy man Jew sprawl. But Joshua was definitely born for these digital times because with the aid of machine gun lap top to blast out his torrential downpour of far flung ideas and flowing streams of back and forth dialogue driven thought, he’d be up shit’s creek without a paddle, because his regular handwriting stroke would never have been able to keep up, period, nor be legible let alone presentable to the archaeologist, Josh Bernstein, his wife’s dreamy celebrity lay, despite his Master’s Degree in Hieroglyphics, making him capable of deciphering the most obscure, unrecognizable letter shapes in the whole universe.

Joshua attempted to express this sentiment once, in front of his parents, Cousin Stanley on his father’s side and his partner, but it was received better than a resurgent herpes sore on the spot. His converted Mom who hadn’t attended synagogue now, in a gazillion years since her breakdown senior in high school over abandoning her southern, Christian identity for the semi-upper middle-class strata of east coast yenta gossipy land USA.  Joshua was talking about his time back in California calling it his spiritual home, because that’s where he found God, writing and creating, believing in his powers of creation, which he equated with believing in God himself, which was in sharp contrast to his time growing up back east, “a spiritually bankrupt Jew”, who never had any philosophical conversations about God growing up with his friends from Hebrew School nor possess any deep longing need to acknowledge his glorious, beauty making presence on daily basis or feel compelled to even watch Yentl HBO, with any real impassioned, must pay homage to overtly looking Jewish entertainers desire.

This is why Joshua cared about the need to recruit a strong, practicing, Jewish Godmother to assume control of his kid’s Jewish education once his writing or comedy performing career, took off, eventually sometime this millennium, knowing his wife was a lapsed Catholic, who was more in the nature concept of God, than actually following his 614 commandments, despite her not feeling the compulsory need to uproot her life in the service of pleasing God, because she was already on the front lines of life, revitalizing blue faced babies, in the NICU, while her more self-obsessed stay at comedian husband, spent more time checking for retweets, until he got off Twitter for good, deciding this year, he wouldn’t hide behind a computer for the majority of his time, to exert his wise ass New York witticisms with some occasional A list hardcore hitting punchlines disseminated in between about fake news Fro Collin Kaepernick for instance.  “Have you ever seen a bi-racial afro that large before? Slash gave it a shot and it was a total flop. Lenny Kravitz another famous bi-racial Jew, never made his fro bounce that way”, Joshua would say on Twitter and off to anyone wearing a MAGA hat in public, in the more safe space confines of upstate New York, during a recent summer holiday trip to Lake George and lose money on the horse now nicknamed Harlan the Hack at the nearby iconic horse track in the eloquent, southern genteel, white shutter prominent, gem of an Upstate village city, of never to be confused with the boarded up shit box of Binghamton, Saratoga Springs.  Was Joshua a beneficiary of white privilege, never having to take out students’ loans to pay for once cent of his five years of private college tuition? Does the Pope forgive and enable pedophilia among his ranks too readily?  At the same time, F. Scott Fitzgerald, didn’t go out of his way to buy his polo shirts at an outlet store in Lake George either.

Teaming up with a Jewish Godmother to impart a Jewish education to his 3 unplanned, God given bundles of unsurpassable beauty and non-stop hilarious spewing joy, was more important than ever, since accepting the fact, neither grandmother was up to or cared about fulfilling the task of being a designated, reserve Jewish educator for his 3 kids. But why give a Jewish Godmother and not a Jewish Godfather the honor of giving his kids a Jewish education? Because most men, Jewish included, were about as deep as the eighteenth hole. Plus, Joshua at a recent open mike in Pleasantville, NY, when he bombed the place to the ground on proven laugh yanking material done other where, made him realize, life is too short to waste your breath and time on trying to entertain fake news smart, fat comedy nerds spaced out pills and it’s also incredibly gay. No, Joshua always got more turned on by making woman of class, smarts, and sophistication laugh long time, as their spastic, booming, eloquent bodies convulsed with laughter, as their lost in dreamy land, enamored, sultry, burningly intense yet soft spewing eyes, begged for more.  On a train ride on Metro North, Joshua got the idea of spending more time impressing  a higher strata of swanky MILFs both gentile and Jewish after doing at least 20 minutes of random, disjointed yet some cohesive streams of material on an older 60 something, well off blond woman, who he met a the nearby Hayfields Market, in the epicenter of horse riding country in North Salem,  sporting horse riding leather boots, which looked like they cost more than their Chevy SUV, used or not. She said, “Your material is dynamite, smart and really funny. I see you performing in a tux at some country club dinner.” Joshua couldn’t disagree one bit. But doing his bit on how he wished LaVar Ball was his substitute dad growing up because he’d make sure he lost his virginity before his younger brother did, on a bunch of WASP gentiles, who for the most never cared enough about pleasing the black man, the point where they’d wait for 3 hours to audition for amateur night at Show Time the Apollo, only to bail after reading an article of how Nipsy Hussle was a peerless talent on par with socially conscious street poets of Nasty Nas, because of his association with other heralded west coast rappers like Snoop Dog, whose brain hovered a notch above porn hood hell.   According to Jewish tradition, if a father were to die prematurely, while his kids were still growing up under their parents roof, it was the Jewish community’s job to impart the Jewish education but within the ritzy, bucolic, farmland rich country of North Salem, there wasn’t much a Jewish community to be found.  So, Joshua did what any do it all dad would do in his circumstance, assume ownership of the situation and follow through with the predominant mantra, novelist Ayn Rand lived for, preached and embodied, which was making the decision to no longer live for the sake of a man. No, Joshua’s wife didn’t have a sudden sex change, but she was the sole breadwinner for the past 3 years and counting, since their lucky number 3 Chosen Curls Was Bound To Woo, was born, and Joshua became hellbent on ensuring his kids received the dreamy, hip, proud, Jewish Godmother, knowing those role models to emulate were becoming a dying breed among the 1.7 million Jewish New Yorkers at large, scattered throughout the Island of Manhattan, yet joining the Jewy Manhattan Book Reading Club in their gorgeous, more money than God conjuring town house on the Upper East Side, 2 blocks down from Madonna’s, all knowing, Kabbalah blessed, rotating Latin junior swallowing snatch was an attractive place to give Joshua sustained stiffage from the start.