Losing Your Religion

When you order a Triple Espresso, you’re tripling down on productivity. Last time, I ordered a double, I made a decision, only triple espressos moving forward, because my wife circumcises my happiness enough already.

If your mom rejected your connection request on LinkedIn. You’d live to score laughs from strangers for a living to.

My mom is from Kentucky, but not the part, where finger food is anything that tastes like your cousin’s panties.

Mom told me once, “Son, Kentucky is known for horses and pretty woman.” I said, “Keep your Sundress on mom. Before you tell me Dad is hung like Seabiscuit. And the reason you converted to Judaism is because Dad’s Hebrew Hammer pounded you into submission. Because the honor of marrying into Dad’s putzy DNA wasn’t enough for you to kick Jesus out of your heart permanently either.”

“I’m the mother of your 3 kids” is a copout, whenever I call my wife a bitch again. When you become a mother, it doesn’t prevent you from becoming an unhuggable cunt like my mother in law again. Just like becoming a Grandpa, doesn’t ensure you’ll turn into fucking Santa Klaus over night either. For example, for Christmas one year when my daughter was 2, my father in law got her a toy chest with no toys in it. My daughter acted confused, not knowing if this was a sick, practical joke or not. So I ease her concern and say, “Don’t sweat it Matilda. When we get home to New York, will fill it up with your 8000 Hanukkah gifts. And if I’m in a more forgiving, generous mood, I’ll throw in some Jesus Apostle trading cards to prove the Bible Part 2 matters plenty to 2 billion large to.

Mom just texted me a black and white picture from Easter with her sister yet it got weird when she pushed for my daughter to see it. Because this is coming from a woman who went out of her way to shame my gentile wife during my daughter’s conversion mikveh ceremony, who told the Rabbi there, “I’m the daughter of the biblical Sara, unlike my bitch daughter in law, who was never that into Jesus in the 1st place either.” I text back my mother and say “I was born on Easter as you know mom. Plus, my friends called me Jesus when my hair was thick and long in college. Plus, I’ve been called a delusional madman for criticizing fake news heroes like Obama Be Good, so I share that connection with Jesus to. Last, Matilda drew this in the sand yesterday. It said, “I Love Jews.” My mother never acknowledged her granddaughter’s artwork in the sand. But that’s what happens when you start worshipping fascist Democrats over you know who.

Michael Kornbluth

Hamas Hates Nuance

I text my mom photographed images from my 9 year old daughter’s report on the Holocaust called The Terror Of The Holocaust, which included a plethora of killer subtitle headers to, such as A Terrible Form Of Hate, Monster In Charge and Don’t Blame Us! And I add the killer one liner for the ages, “Don’t post the report on Facebook or else Hamas will accuse you of hate speech.” Holla, thank you very much.”

Biden is sending new aid to aid Palestinians since AOC served Andrew Yang’s balls to him in a Mai Tai on the rocks.

Fuck nuance. Palestinians elected terrorists in charge. The only difference between Palestine and America is that we didn’t elect a terrorist enabling scumbag to cut Palestine a blank check to finance non-stop terrorism against Israel as long as members of Hamas, the PLO and Hezbollah keep fucking. Holla, thank you very much.

Kids can’t be terrorists. What do you call ANTIFA? Elderly wannabe Punisher vigilantes in hoodies. Holla, thank you very much.

Also stop acting like you give a shit about Ramadan. Arab terrorists started something called the Yom Kippur war against Israel in 1973, on the most holy day on the Jewish calendar with the intent of wiping Israel off the map forever. The only difference now is you have social media to make worldwide antisemitism go transparently viral in real time you Hamas lover you.

Michael Kornbluth

Edgy Energy Electric

Book a hair appointment at Kids Style for my 2 sons, AKA, Stud Alerts On the Loose. Over the phone I say,” “Get ready for guaranteed gorgeousness galore. I refuse to send them off to Junior High without a lawyer on their person at all times to hand out pre-poundage consent forms since jerking off post Zoom became our last safety rail left. Older woman can’t help but flirt with my son at the grocery store, which is flattering knowing how my star powered seed emanates from my Do It All Dad Year Tree Trunk. One said, “When you get older, you’ll have 3 girlfriends to juggle.” I said, “If James Woods had this kid’s face, your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.” His older brother, the Sun Butter King of Croton Falls is a dreamy crossbreed between River Phoenix and Kevin Costner despite his Grandfather’s Indian name back on the streets of the Bronx being Trips on Curbs. So, in essence, my son Millionaire By 10, AKA Feather Foot, AKA Art Show USA would be the ideal pin up for Aryan Teen Beat in 4 years, if this picturesque pure blood clone wasn’t contaminated by dad’s dirty jew blood to fuck up the party for Swastika nation. And how stupid looking is the Swastika symbol? I don’t care if it’s a photo shopped Hindu symbol, it still looks like 2 Stick Figures doing a 69 on a see saw, on government grade crystal meth, who made the Nazi’s think they could conquer all of Europe on it, until Eisenhower’s army helped demolish their Master Race theory into the ground, after Jesse Owen’s made those Kraut breath bastards choke on his star dust from afar, like Denzel Washington on the set of Empire. Because deplorable is anyone whose glad Jussie Smollett took a shot. But on the lighter side of things, this is me instructing my son Kosher Klaus Sushi on how to avoid antisemitic backlash at school while teaching his friends how to play to Dreidel at school. “Arthur, when the Dreidel lands on Gimmel, don’t say, “Give me all your money. Because the chosen people control the Federal Reserve and all the banks in the North Pole to.” Challah, thank you very much.

Later, the kid stylist says, “Does your son want a booster seat?” I say, “Does he look like Dr. Gnocchi?” Latino stylist laughs long time, the times are more receptive to edgy energy electric, thank God, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Brisket Mom Beater

It’s hard to feel like your father hasn’t pronounced you dead in his heart when he doesn’t reply to your text that wishes him Shanah Tovah, which means have a good year in Hebrew. So, God, should I assume that my father’s silence implies he wishes the exact opposite for me? Because I named a sandwich after Mr. Groper in the White House in my book The Koshertarian Comedians, called Sloppy Second Joes. Explaining to my 3 Koshertarian comedian kids last night why I call my turkey meat-based sandwiches on a challah rolls Sloppy Second Joes was priceless. I said, “So you know how daddy does that joke, where I state the question, “Do blind men ever get the beer goggles? Assuming they do, does the Seeing Eye Dog ever offer a second opinion?” Then, I drop on all fours and impersonate the dog and say, “We better pass on this one Stevie. You can feel her face, but I can smell her snatch, woof, woof.” So, beer googles, trick you into thinking someone looks better than they do with the lights on during working hours, who are never being confused with 1st pick material the morning after either.”

Forget election fraud, and massive mail-in ballot cheating on the behalf of Mr. Groper in addition to every chicken shit piece of shit in the media at Fox included, who refused dig into why there’s no reason why Biden could’ve won because his campaign rallies could barely fill out Ariel’s little clam shell bras. Joe Biden is the personification of sloppy seconds. Even Jill Biden was married to Joe Biden’s best friend before she started an affair with aw shucks Joe for Christ’s sake. If Joe Biden loves to ease the financial strain of the middle class in America. Then, Trump’s capable of admissible introspective correction, after his overrated COVID 19 vaccine has been responsible for more blood clots and cases of cardiac arrest than torn condoms at Bill Maher’s Airbnb fuck paid in Rio for Martis Gras, sponsored by his new web hosting site, gotorioforthirdleggedbeauties.com, Challah thank you very much.

Did you know the Federal government is paying hospitals 30 K for every patient they hook up to a ventilator with COVID? But there’s no evidence of hospitals overreporting cases of COVID, despite the CDC now declaring that anyone who dies from the vaccine 2 weeks later is being declared as unvaccinated.  And my old psychic in LA thought my all over the place, far from centered chakras were more clogged than my freshman one hitter. Who are these fucking lightweights being hooked up to ventilators exactly? I’ve been sucking down weed out one hitters made in China for the past 2 decades and my lungs feel, great. Dice lives. Challah, thank you very much.  

And where does the Reformed woke Rabbi from Ridgefield find the gaul to merge COVID and the Holocaust into the same sentence ever? I don’t recall Anne Frank socially distancing herself from Netflix while refusing to add getting gassed to death with her family for a planned 14 Reasons Why addendum sample chapter for her local Dutch publisher, reachable through carrier pigeon only either. I’m assuming this same Rabbi never condemned Eminem for comparing Trump to Hitler. Trump’s the next Hitler? In what, Inglorious Bastards Part 2? Relax Eminem, sequels never live up to the original. Plus, when Trump bought Mar-A-Lago, Trump lifted the lifetime ban on Jewish membership, Slim on Facts Shady.  

Doesn’t Don Lemon realize that trying to socially shame past Trump supporters like myself into getting the COVID Vaccine shot is more pointless than pretending he’s anything less than Jussie Smollett, minus the SAG card?

Anyone that’s been almost completely disowned by his shame cloaked mother and ostracized by past fake news deep friends because they dared to question bullshit narratives such as Obama Be Good, despite him rebranding ISIS, ISIL, so they’d sound more startup friendly in the NY Times, has resulted in us mongoloid morons developing rock solid immunity from ever giving 2 flying shits about the opinions of media worshipping whores ever again. Especially after all these Democratic worshiping moralists had no problem with Fox prematurely calling Arizona for Mr. Groper, before the midnight tallies of more trucked in forged mail in votes were even tabulated.  If Biden got more votes than Obama or Trump, then Michelle Obama regretted pissing on the Lincoln Bedroom bathroom ceiling fan moments before Trump’s inauguration ceremony. Only for the Donald to get peed on for real this time from the ceiling fan above and say, “Melania, is this what Michelle meant when she hulk said, then they go low, we aim high.” Challah, thank you very much.

Mail-In Ballots were counted with no records of being sent out. But keep on believing Joe Biden won fair and square or that Jill Biden is a classy 1st lady in fish net stockings and Marshall’s fuck me pumps, with disheveled, molested hair, dressed as if she’s constantly posing for sex ads on Craig’s list under Scarecrow HookersAreUs.

The prayer service also mentioned talk about controlling my lustful heart and eyes. So, I’m assuming using Internet porn sporadically whenever my kids are asleep to squeeze in 5 minutes of Daddy time, is still Kosher in God’s eyes within the era of #Meto, knowing it’s our last safety rail left.

This prayer service could not have been more politized if the woke Rabi tried. It even had a special shout out prayer section for all the medical workers, teachers and government workers still collecting steady paychecks throughout COVID while perpetuating the aura of superiority despite more Martha Dump Trucks dying of suicide this year than from COVID, under their morally grounded, truth suppressing shaming watch. By refusing to condemn masks as more useless protections from losing than the Lakers expecting increased ball movement with the addition of Carmelo Anthony. Who should be the spokesperson for Tampax Tampons already. Name another NBA player, responsible for stopping so much flowage.

Where does this woke breath wussy, Reformed Rabbi in a mask get the balls to blame the COVID virus on Trumpism? 80 million branded racists didn’t help fund the Wuhan lab institute to develop a super spreader virus designed to usher mail-in voting to help steal an election from their chosen commander in chief. I know, I’m being a cult Trump worshipper according to the esteemed Dr. Savage, because the Chinese would never take out its own people to preserve their fledging sense of power. Yeah, and Richard’s Gere’s prayer beads didn’t come out red. Challah, thank you very much.

The most despicable part of this past high holiday season was Biden blatantly lying about visiting the Tree of Life synagogue after the mass murdering rampage that occurred there because the satanic piece of shit responsible for hell on earth hated Trump for being the best friend Israel never had. Who helped usher in numerous peace treaties with neighboring Arab countries by the time Jared Kushner bursts within Ivanka in shear, whenever she talks dirty to him in Mandarin, on his birthday again.  You don’t believe me about Biden being a blatant, plagiarist piece of the shit of the most deplorable, fake news good order? Even the Rabbi for the Tree of Life went on record during an interview with MSNBC, stating, “I’ve never met Joe Biden in my life. Do you think I spend my free time hanging out at Ben and Jerry’s these days? Since they released their new Rocky Road to Peace ice cream fund for Hamas, to build more death tunnels used to kidnap Jewish children for the crime of sharing blood ties to the famed Rothschild family. Who control the Federal Reserve and all the banks in the North Pole to.

To make matters worse, Biden when trying to act like he gives 2 shits about the Jewish people, he couldn’t even remember the name of the Hora dance at his daughter’s wedding, which made it impossible to block out the time my brother-in-law did the same thing at my wedding. After the Hora dance, which includes the chair lifting of the bride and groom, my brother-in-law says, “Let’s give a round of applause for whatever that shit was. I’m Irish, so unless someone gets fall down drunk without the aid of falling off a lifted chair, I’m not interested.”  So much for slow to anger and quick to forgive God. almost 12 years after the fact. Challah, thank you very much.

But famous writer Ayn Rand said, “Patience is always rewarded, and love is always waiting around the corner”, except if you conduct a phone interview with the Director of Talent Acquisition at Fox News. She says, “So, you’ve done a bunch of podcasts and wrote some joke books on fatherhood. How does this work apply to the world of business news on Mornings with Maria?” I say, “For starters, inflation from creating COVID relief money out of thin air for shutting down the world economy to get Trumpy Poo out of office, has made the value of the US dollar a bigger joke than any alleged integrity left in the Supreme Court, which carries less just might these days than the mantra Protect and Serve, since every day became standing down day.” I add, “On a more personalized note, I also like the idea of me getting plenty of ROI from writing monologues for Maria because placing myself inside her, will make fantasy fuck material with my wife on her birthday again a more uplifting experience than ever before.” Challah, thank you very much.

The Torah on Rosh Hashanah does awaken you to new possibilities, such as searching out more conservative synagogues for Yom Kippur, which dupe you into thinking the experience would be more welcoming and less COVID crazed controlled service than the one in Ridgefield, CT, it wasn’t. I came prepared with my mask, a business card in hand and a talked out rehearsed spiel from the car ride over before I got interrogated like the Gestapo for showing up to services without a ticket in advance, God forbid. I say, “I don’t have a ticket, but I did write the Great American Jew Novel. Diane Sullivan from the Midwest Book Review said, “The Great American Jew Novel exceeds in a hilarious New York exploration of the world of comedy and Jewish culture. Plus, I taste way better than Ben Shapiro, Jeff Bezos included, which isn’t chopped liver either.” Still, I’m greeted with, “So why couldn’t you find the time to buy a ticket in advance again?” I say, “Because I’m a degenerate Jew, whose only 3-year plan, is to get my daughter a Wave Runner in 3 years, before her eventual Stay at Home Bat Mitzvah, because it’s impossible to experience any dark, suicidal thoughts on top of a hot pink Wave Runner with a hermetically sealed on mask or not. Daniel Tosh lives. Challah, thank you very much. Plus, I wasn’t planning on coming here initially, until the woke reformed Rabbi in Ridgefield, CT gave a speech that could’ve easily been interpreted as his audition reel as the new reconstructionist, reformed Jewish, resister Rabbi correspondent for MSNBC. You don’t watch that never ending shit show do you Ethel? Well, you don’t have to, to get this impersonation. This is Chris Matthews, sexually harassing his new yenta breath intern from Great Neck, Long Island. Chris Matthews barks, “Eating out Maddow, counts as your lunch break babe.”

Like the Torah commands, I’m done fostering illusions of modern-day Synagogues, both reformed and conservative being immune to this mask cloaked, overhyped COVID driven hysteria one second longer. If Hebrew Schools force my daughter to wear a mask to study Hebrew. Then, I’ll just teach my daughter how to read her Haftorah portion in Hebrew at home and call it day.  It will make a great chapter in my future book Back to Hebrew School, called Bat Mitzvah Cliff Notes, which follows, 3 Year Wave Runner Plan. Challah, thank you very much.

Teaching my daughter her Haftorah portion from home while continuing to promote the Koshertarian diet at home by cooking a bomb brisket mom beater at home, using caramelized Vidalia onions within the Palamino grape sherry sauce will deepen my relationship with Hashem more so than having to endure any more propogandist, scare morning, intentionally divisive bullshit from grave digging woke rabbis at large. Dumping any interest in perpetuating the allure of me embracing the special binding allure of organized prayer into the ground, six feet under, along with Alan Ball’s desire to achieve salvation for his embrace of hell hole sex because going to down on Ethel to taste rotten Gefilte fish never aroused his sustained stiffage interest in the 1st place. Reading mini graphic bible stories for my kids, my made-up historical flash fiction ones like Gimmel Be Good or going over funny Yiddish dictionary words from the Yiddish version of Dick and Jane to my 3 hilarious sweet kids in our bed at home is my sacred space Rabbi. I ask my daughter, “Matilda, what did Tyson Chandler give the Knicks again, before the NBA became a safe space for Lebron James’ ego?” Daughter says, “Boopkus, Daddy, boopkus.”

My kids don’t need to be engaging in speed prayers at synagogue to please God, assuming they never shy away from defending Israel’s right to defend itself. Who refuses to be pushover putzy no more. Because if you fire 5000 rockets into Israel’s backyard UN, then Hamas, who doesn’t do nuance, shouldn’t expect an edible arrangement gift basket in return, with a thank you note written in Farsi.

Controlling our kids with my comedy, can make our kids less hysterical again. Last night, after my daughter got five million flu shots, she got up from bed for feeling bad about making a scene compared to her 2 younger, stoic brothers earlier that day. I calmed her down with comedy immediately, not being on Adderall helped, which I casted into the local river instead of stones like time release sins, which was a 1st for me, knowing God appreciated the gesture because I’ve could’ve sold them to my younger brother for 200 bones on a slow Monday easy. I tell my daughter, “Matilda, you laugh in the face of your brothers whenever they try to pull your hair or punch you with any sort of real deal impactful force. So next time Arthur tries to hurt you, in another ineffectual, fruitless manner, just tell your skinny blondie brother, “Are you done trying to hurt me yet Twiggy?” And my precious bashert daughter laughed long time.

Controlling our kids with comedy, can make our kids great again. My 3 fuss free kids, 90 percent of the time are living proof of it. That’s another way to apply my business minded focus to Mornings with Maria. Lord are you impressed yet? I didn’t disrespect thy father by going off on him for asking me on Yom Kippur if I had broken the fast by a hard 3 already. Despite me being a practicing Koshertarian Comedian this past year while still trying to find a faith-based agent to locate their ball sack to represent my book The Koshertarian Comedians. My divine powered tale about growing closer to God and to my 3 kids through the more yummy dances and laughs I get. Perhaps, this last-minute chapter addition, Brisket Mom Beater, will do the trick. My sons attacked this succulent, thyme and sage twined up, broth rich sweet onion brisket with scrumptious, inhalatory glee. Who needs Philly cheesesteaks? When you can make holy food magic at home that provides my Koshertarian comedian seedlings zero leftover desire to ever flee.   

Michael Kornbluth

Nazi Rocker Historians

Did you know that the lead guitar player of Slayer Jeff Hanneman paid a fan 1000 dollars for an Eagle Cross? This is the highest honor you could get from Aryan Nation besides free government grade Crystal Meth for life. 1000 bucks for an Eagle Cross from white trash metal guy seems like a paltry sum for such an in-demand Nazi collectible on 4 Chan, don’t you think? And they call my half Heeb crazy side, cheap. Former lead guitar player of Slayer and major songwriter for the band behind hits such as Angel of Death, God Hates All Of Us, the Jews Especially, and Arian Nation Placation, died of liver failure. It turns out that Lemmy from Motorhead outlived him a bit from playing a Jager Bomb drinking game together during Christmas that requires you to throw down another every time a new Adam Sandler film ad appears on Netflix.

But back to the metal white trash metal guy who sold his Eagle Cross to thrash metal maestro Jeff Hanneman for 1000 bucks, which is more offensive than a Jewish banker charging Muhammed 5 percent interest on a new car loan after Hitler teamed up with the Muslim Brotherhood to make the Mercedes Benz, the drive by car of choice of its day. Who taught American History X to negotiate exactly? Shouldn’t he be carrying a highlighted copy of Art Of The Deal in his back pocket, Anti-MAGA Country? White Trash Metal Guy should know he had leverage over such a well-read Nazi Rocker historian like the late great Jeff Hanneman, known for penning torture porn lyrics in Angel of Death about Jospeh Mengle such as, “Showers that cleanse you of your life”, better late than ever, you dirty Heeb, “Smell your death, as it burns deep inside you”, so put that nosy schnoz to good use for once in your putrid, plague spreading life, “Pathetic, harmless, victims left to die.” He almost makes it seem like it’s Hebrew National’s fault as he binge whacks to the Saw films one through 8 million for eight crazy nights after the Christmas Bash with Lemmy ensues. What Jews weren’t the only ones gassed to death who were found guilty of forsaking the ant eater tip dick look. Any self-respecting Nazi Rock Historian knows that. But hoard more Eagle Crosses, Speed Metal Nation. You speed freak white boys give ANTIFA a good name, Challah. Nazi Rocker Historians dying laughing, not, Anthrax lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth