The Beamish Rabbi Levite
Rabbi Klein wasn’t a huge fan of Joshua, as he helped him study his Haftorah portion for his Bar Mitzvah, but he didn’t treat him like an ineffectual jerkoff, moronic putz of the most deplorable either. He recalls, Rabbi Klein even making warm hearted comment about his friends during a mini-summation of Joshua’s character, which makes him smile now, because it was before certain friends tried to depreciate his TV writing break, after he was hired as the Head Writer in charge of writing all the TV host music video reads for WWE Chris Jericho, on VH1 Classic, America’s Hard 100 years later, inquiring, “Did they even pay you for it?” No, they just paid Joshua in cum stained, zebra print Spandex, from David Lee Roth, the Hard Rock Café, choose to pass on in favor of an autographed empty bottle of Slash’s Jewy curl activator.
Joshua met Rabbi Sarah at a nearby Synagogue in Mahopac, NY recently who was funny, and very personable, coming off like a flat chested, higher IQ Judy Gold. He had no idea if she was a bush muncher or not. Still, he loved how she made the Saturday Synagogue services very upbeat, welcoming and business casual without stripping the house of worship of the deep-rooted holiness preening through the flawless, Stained Glass Windows, without the original super Jew, Jesus Christ in sight. But what bothered Joshua about the Rabbi, was a conversation over some Challah noshes after the service, when he tried to gain a stronger grasp, on why Jews got so tense when the mere name of Jesus was brought up in conversation, especially when Joshua would get into his Pescatarian schtick about how if a diet of fish and veggies was good enough for Jesus, the original super Jew, it was good enough for him. Back then, when Joshua references his pescatarian diet, he was basically referencing his diet of Fish Fillets from McDonald’s, Smoked Salmon scrambles made from home, veggie loaded soups with a stream of sneaked in lentils from his wife, and the occasional Fried Shrimp feast, draped in golden, glistening, panko breadcrumbs from nearby Stu Leonard’s in Danbury, CT, before he went all in on the Kosher diet, to obey God’s law, show some mastery over his carnal appetites and feel like a less all over the place Jew for a pleasant change of pace. Not too long ago, Joshua took a break from reading his kids the Old Testament book, with some accompanying, colorful pictures for kids because the wrath of God in the Noah’s Ark Story, he could tell was freaking out his a 9 year old, daughter, so he decided to lighten the mood and start reading to his daughter Matilda and her 2 younger brothers from the Bhagavad Gita, later inspiring Joshua to write a pilot titled Horsing Around With Hinduism, about a talking horse trainer who helps whip his stand up comedy act into shape, before taking his act on the road for Barnstorming Farmer’s Markets USA. One time over a reading of the Bhagavad Gita, Joshua’s daughter, askes her Dada, “What’s meditation Dada?” Joshua says, “A bunch of breathing exercises, with a mantra for some thrown in between, to make your feel like a less all over the place Jew.” Daughter says, “You’re not very good at meditation are you Dada?”
Now, Joshua was being called into Rabbi Levite’s office in Crown Heights, Brooklyn. He saw Gold Medal wins from the Great American Beer Festival, hung prominently on his office study walls throughout. Joshua also notices a signed framed record cover of Hello Nasty, the last Beastie Boys Album, which Joshua always considered an underrated classic. Later, Ad Rock from the legendary Beastie Boys trio had called the record, the Beastie Boy’s finest and Joshua agreed. An old school Hebrew School bud, who showcased Jappier preppy tastes than Joshua did later in college for the sole fact he always rocked the matching brown belt, in perfect unison with his brown berks, always commented on Joshua’s rock solid taste, after he went off one of his impassioned rants about how the movie Bugsy, was Warren Beauty’s best film by far, and on par with Godfather 1, 2 and even Carlito’s Way for that matter. “Ester and Scarsdale is none of your business”, Joshua was fond of acting out in front of his old school Hebrew friends, when they got older and drank away another Christmas college break at local bar JP’s in Hartsdale Village, proving Jews could hold their liquor better than most, even when you combined major weed puffage in between, proving, some of the chosen people had more brain cells to burn than most. Joshua also noticed, a signed autographed picture of Vin Diesel and the Rabbi during his shooting of the film, Knockaround Guys, where Vin Diesel, plays a bad ass Jewish knockout artist and gives the intimidating, pysch out speech of all time, before unleashing his freakish Hank Greenburg walloping strength and knocks this poor hick’s skin off his face, all over the bar room floor, “500, 500 fights, 500 street fights and youcould consider yourself a legitimate tough guy. You need them for experience, to develop leather skin, so I got started.” Rabbi Levite, comments on Joshua’s eyes fixated on the Rabbi’s pic with Vin Diesel. “Super smart guy, Vin Diesel, huge fan of our people. Loved the Vin man in the overlooked Sidney Lumet gem, Find Me Guilty. Vin was a bouncer at the Tunnel during my hard-core Ecstasy phase back in the day. He’d kick the shit out of Ryan Reynolds after funneling a 12 pack of Molson Canadians, easy. How can I help you Joshua? I hear from Golda you’re a budding scribe on the rise.” “Rabbi, I’m questioning my desire to hide behind the page forever. What I love best about the art of creation is tapping into the divine and surprising myself on the page instead of doing pre-written jokes of mine on my Do It All Dad Year Podcast, dad friendly entertainment for you and me. My great, Aunt Marion saw me do a stand-up comedy set at the Broadway Comedy Club ages ago, and I’m not one to let others labels limit my creative firepower, but her insisting, I was more of a rant type guy, stuck with me. Then, I recall my best bud growing up Ari, insisting I could be a good stand up but a great writer. I also think about what Neil Simon said about how when you’re a comedy writer, you’ll always be relegated to the kiddy table, which I don’t mind so much, because I prefer the company of children over most adults any day of the week, especially my own. Still, I’m so tired of hearing lines such as, “the jokes write themselves,” which they never do. Plus, I’m so tired of giving 2 shits about the opinions of so-called friends regarding any new material I create, when I’m still not getting paid for it. Joining a bunch of other 40 to 50-year old’s for singing lessons, to sing Allman Brothers tunes, doesn’t do it for me either. I just want to be my unique, original, semi-ranty, super punchy self and become a semi working artist before I die. Please, interject anytime before I run out breath Rabbi, I’m begging you.” Rabbi Levite says, “So you want to do more than just write behind a computer, because it makes you like an ineffectual, Jewish pussy like the rest of us artist types in our tribe, correct? “That’s correct, Rabbi”, Joshua says. Is it my fascination with Jewish tough guy stars like Bugsy Seagal and ones who play them like Vin Diesel in Knock Around Guys, a dead giveaway?” Rabbi says, “Fret or fight, that is the question. My advice is you fight by any means necessary for what you believe in Joshua. God didn’t make you to be more a indecisive Jew than Jared Kushner at the salad the bar at the Bellagio. You were a born a star personality, I can feel it, so make your inner light shine the best way you know how. And try to limit your IPA intake to the weekends, because they’re 400 calories hop bombs and the camera adds ten pounds to your enormous yet well proportioned head. You should give my younger brother, Solomon a call, he’s a hipster Hasid who just launched his own brewery and he’s looking for a big viral video idea for his new flagship release the beer, the, The Great Jewish American Pale Ale. He got a perfect score on his Barron’s chemist exam, after taking it the 6th grade, graduated John Hopkins in 2 years flat with a degree in Microbiology. You can be the branding bashert partner he’s been looking for. Or you can relearn how to read Hebrew and get a Bar Mitzvah again to exert your manhood in a more erudite way.” Joshua says, “I got 3 kids Rabbi, out of state of grandparents on both sides and I still haven’t recruited a Jewish Godmother, who could make up for my religious education shortcomings. I’ll give Schmendel a call instead. Thanks for your help Rabbi Levite. You’re the best of the rest.