Loved 9 Times 2 Babe

Daddy, what’s DNA? Not enough for a jury to declare OJ guilty beyond reasonable doubt.

I sacrificed my career to become a mother. So now, VP Pence has control over your Fallopian Tubes?

INT. ANTIQUE STORE
Owner
I only have this Menorah.
Me
It looks like my starter weed bowl in high school, no offense.
Don’t worry, my daughter did the intro for my podcast episode, My Weed Exit Interview.

INT. ANTIQUE STORE
Me
I love your va va voom Marilyn Monroe Doll. It’s almost life size.
Once, my son points at a picture of Marilyn in my old office while I’m changing him. He says Mama? I say, I wish.

Owner laughs longtime.

INT. ANTIQUE STORE
Owner
That Menorah isn’t for sale.
Me
Really, did George Soros call dibs on it on already?

INT. BAGEL STORE
OWNER
Your girl can’t stand on the chair.
Me
Its’ a he. And he flings 5 pound free weights like Pistachio nuts. Would you tell a budding Bruce Jenner to sit on her ass?

Perfect gay husband qualifier.
Buy yourself a pink vibrator ladies. And if your husband only shows interest in manhandling it, after telling Alexa to turn your smart bulb on Lexington Steele black.

Me explaining the meaning of Chanukah to my kids.
A miracle is faith rewarded in believing and acknowledging the fact they don’t happen without God’s blessed, divine intervention powered assistance.

I sample a Lena Dunham joke at a book store. Worker says. I’m not amused. You should try that one at an open mike? I say. I bet you have Google alerts set for Marc Maron’s  stories about his cats.

INT. TOY STORE
Me
Does the Obama doll talk?
Toy Store Worker
Only in Europe these days since the blue wave turned into a severe case of blue balls.

I don’t hate people. I hate unearned, bitch face arrogance, especially if you sport a beard. Never been #shadowbanned, kill on stage or closed a deal off an initial cold call in your life because you’re a gun shy, ineffectual pussy.

INT. WINE SHOP
Owner
Self Awareness is rare.
Me
Tell that to Baby Boomers who still spend more time with Don Lemon’s fluttering lisp over the warm butterflies in their belly feeling from playing with their 3 grandchildren.

At 42 with 3 kids,  a standard egg and cheese and regular slice are off the list. I feel like George McFly never graduating past his menial, bottom of the food chain, never living free of fear or poverty of spirit existence.

Me
Girls on bikes in Finland.
New Bud
You have no idea. They’re totally hairless.
Me
Chin Hair plucking wives are the worst, especially when their blond hair is blinded under the bar lights when you 1st met.

College Bud
Sad, George HW Bush passed.
Me
I’m sure Obama’s pouring out a Bud Light in his honor to Boyz to Men as we speak. Crooning, it’s so hard to say goodbye to his default Bush blaming years of yesterday

Sad, George HW passed. Look, I got emotional when he got wheeled out for the Super Bowl. But this was before I learned his father was a Nazi profiteer. Forget, losing to Clinton which gave us Hillary and Russia our Uranium. And John Podesta a pool party pass.

Why won’t Michelle Obama run for President? I thought her husband called Michelle the closer. Oh, that’s right, Obama’s nicknames don’t mean anything or offer any real world substance in reality like calling ISIS JV monster killers.

INT. ANTIQUE STORE
Owner
That Menorah isn’t for sale.
Me
What if told you I worked for the Clinton Foundation.
Owner
I’d say, you had less call in favor power now than papa Bush.

I sample a Lena Dunham joke at a book store. Worker says. I’m not amused. You should try that one at an open mike? I say. The world is my stage you sackless, no personality twerp. You still work in a book store Cold Spring correct? Just checking.

Wouldn’t it be nice to have a wife who always drank good beer over overpriced wine? Because stated concerns of beer making her bloaty never touch thy lips because she’s religiously married to her rock solid core exercise regimen. I’m just a dreamer. Who dreams of better days, oh yeah!

 

I sacrificed my career to become a mother. I wouldn’t call wining and dining doctors as a pharma sales rep a career. You were a glamorized, white collar drug pusher with an expense account at best.

I sacrificed my social life to become a mom. Stop acting like your boring friends in marketing we’re such interesting company to begin with, past flashing their semi-attractive feet in flip flops on casual Friday.

Catch and release makes less sense than letting the Podesta brothers order in Pizza for your Super Bowl Party.

Sad, George HW passed. Then, you won’t get out of bed. When John Brennan is locked up in Gitmo for sedition. Fantasizing about the good old days. Sniffing Obama’s Birkenstock’s after Obama’s casual bike rides with Reggie Love in Martha’s Vineyard.

Obama’s statement on Bush.
Without his fuck up son, I never would’ve been groomed as a doable replacement. Or scored a Netflix deal for Ben Rhodes writing my say nothing, do nothing speeches discarding ISIS as JV Terror mongers.

INT. ANTIQUE STORE
Owner
That menorah isn’t for sale.
Me
Is that where George Soros hides the key to his safety deposit box in Switzerland?

Hey Twitter, is this joke anti-Trump enough for you? Melania’s red Christmas Trees look like Paul Bunyan got corn holed by sitting on them all after standing on line all day to get into a Trump rally because it hurt so good.

I come back from a beard trim. My 3 kids bum rush me in the car, the second I arrive. Obviously, I’m beyond touched by the gesture. Still, I’m fuming knowing mama was boring them to death. What husband wouldn’t be empathetic?

You know you’re pissing off the right people at Twitter. When you start a new account for the 17th time to get out of #shadowbanned jail. And still have your account frozen before you’ve even fired off your 1st tweet.

Do It All Dad Advice
Kid Rock said son, I can give you a blank check, but that won’t do you any good. What he meant by this, is prolonged dependence hampers your ability to dream bigger than your controlled circumstance dictates.

College friend not sounding flattering. I’m envious of you having a wife and a family. Don’t get me wrong I think your wife is alright. But why haven’t I got married? Because you didn’t let your parents buy your girlfriend an engagement ring.

I deliver a Lena Dunham joke. Bookstore attendant says. I’m not amused. I say, no offense but out of my 5 million jokes, I wasn’t expecting a Lena Dunham one to get me on Kimmel.

I sacrificed my career for motherhood. Resent your kids more, despite them injecting your life with more meaning and divine connective tissue than your excel spreadsheets on data mining for Target ever did babe.

Wife
We’re going to give daddy alone to get some work done.
Me
Because mommy only feels 2 hours is enough to write query letters, blogs & complete manuscripts during the days she’s around to entertain and teach her children well.

7 Year Old Daughter
Can we call Grandpa?
Mom
It’s a Saturday Night.
Me
And he’ll feel weird during the call when he’s got no excuse to be home on a Saturday night beside Baba resting her bum knee from couch plopping, atrophy.

Daddy, what’s the Bible? A book of laws communicated from God to Moses. Whose Moses? A stuttering Jew who came through. But he wasn’t nearly as putzy as his assistant Joshua. He dropped God’s tablet commandments. That’s your DNA in a nutshell.

15 years later Hebrew Hammer is still funny. Understand, the shtick is a tad redundant but Adam Goldberg is still hilarious in it. Stay Jewish kid destroyed me. Daughter laughed at Jewish Justice League, priceless.

Why my wife sucks sometimes. Hey, babe, The Good Men Project is going to republish 18 of my blog pieces. What are they paying you for it? Less than your parents give us, so nothing.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

My Blameless Daughter on Yom Kippur

Daddy, why are we by the river with these bucket of rocks again?

All of these rocks represent daddy’s sins for the year.

Dada, do you have to use the words sins? It sounds too churchy for my taste.

Work with me kid.

Ok, so this 1st rock is for my sin of.

Weed, Daddy. Remember, your “Exit Interview From Weed” podcast episode? Shouldn’t you have an easier time remembering these things already?

Daddy, is throwing rock number 2 into the river for my sin of.

Inspiring Arthur to break his no cursing streak by saying what the f after he heard Kirby utter it on Arliss on HBO GO.

Rock number is 3 is for.
Heckling the TV too much when Beauty & the Beast is on after pounding one 2 many. I’m daddy. I’m so funny. You all suck, blah, blah, blah.

Rock number 4 is for.

Posting Grandparent Bad Manners on WordPress in the 1st place. Only to check after services how many more likes it got.

Rock number 5 is for.

Playing me Wu Tang 36 Chambers after my 1st Kung Fu class and shattering my age of innocence on the spot.

Daddy, stop using the word sin already. My guilt through association is killing me.

But the rocks represent my sins Matilda. I throw them into the river to be lost forever.

But I thought God had a photographic memory. Sounds like wishful thinking to me dada.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth