Set List: Rocking Maron and Got Rubbed?
Tag: KayneWest
Kosher Klaus Sushi
Once upon a time, there was a Kosher sushi chef prodigy, Art Show USA, who opened Kosher Klaus Sushi on Christmas Eve in 1994 before the Internet became mainstream and Asian elite Yelpers went hog wild. Kosher Klaus Sushi was located in the heart of Scarsdale Village, and earned immediate rave reviews in the Scarsdale Inquirer from local food critic Debbie Wasserman, who described Art Show’s mind-blowing specialty roll creations as, “Orgasmic before they reach the back of your throat good.”
What made Art Show unique, outside of his unmatched imaginative heft and juggling sushi knifework at the bar, were his God-given star-powered looks, which commanded legions of groupie Yentas to schlep from the far reaches of Long Island to wait in line in the dead of winter just to catch a glance of the new age pretty boy/badass sushi chef through the window, cranking out one swoon-worthy, inhalatory sushi specialty roll after the next like his signature one, Living On The Edgemont Edge, which had smoked salmon, cream cheese, capers, and caramelized shallots throughout, to inject an extra special loaded lift.
Every day, Art Show USA would sharpen his sushi knives together (made from Israeli steel, used in bulletproof vests made for their special force’s unit, Mossad), which would woo with sparkly, dazzling delight as patrons at the Kosher Klaus Sushi Bar gave impromptu standing ovations throughout.
Art Show USA was a 6 foot 4, spikey blond-haired, blue-eyed, lean, mean, sushi-slicing machine who made Tom Cruise (from the movie Cocktail) look like a stumpy, homely hobbit hipster hack, in comparison, regardless of whether he kept his rolled-up-sleeve button shirt tucked in or not.
But, one day, a bunch of rowdy Irish wiggers entered Kosher Klaus Sushi to track down a hot yenta breath from Syosset, Long Island’s Rachel Weinstein, who rocked swinging booby beauties (36 Ds, to be exact), who was also a solid 5 foot 9, making her mountable from behind, standing up (assuming you weren’t a stumpy Irishman, unlucky in the height department).
Rachel was a full-lipped, Sephardic Persian, tan, busty beauty. Even Roger Waters from Pink Floyd would pulverize her fetching snatch until he was comfortably numb. The leader of the wigger Irish pack was Liam O’Reilly, who sported a Newport cigarette tattoo on his esophagus (which scared off most, but not Art Show USA).
Art Show USA got a black belt in judo by the time he was 13, for his Bar Mitzvah. For Art Show’s Bar Mitzvah Party, he played ‘Siamese Dream’ by the Smashing Pumpkins on the guitar with his feet and teeth. So, Art Show USA never sweated the prospect of losing a fight or a girl to an Irish wigger moron from Long Island, who thought that stamping a permanent Newport cigarette tattoo on his esophagus was a bright idea, regardless of whether it ensured him a truck driver job for Killan’s Red or not.
Liam and his crew of Irish wiggers came down from Long Island to start a fight with Art Show USA because they attended the same high school as Rachel Weinstein, and only had eyes for inhaling her whole. Plus, they weren’t enthralled with Rachel wearing an underground-circulated hoodie with a picture of Art Show USA on it, who was sporting an American flag bandana and a Star of David gold necklace around his neck, showcasing well earned, non-banking-job-related bling.
Liam cuts the line with his Irish wigger posse and bursts into Kosher Klaus Sushi like Mark Wahlberg on the set of SNL after Andy Samberg did a sketch about Marky Mark talking to farm animals. He bum-rushes the sushi bar and says, “Hey, faggot. I’ll kick your ass right now, to show all your groupies what a pretty boy faggot, gay pussy bitch you are in real life.”
Art Show ignores Liam’s Alpha Dog attack. Liam jumps over the sushi bar to strike. Art Show does a lookaway kick to the middle of his forehead, which sends Liam flying into the ceiling fan, which knocks him out senseless.
Art Show USA says, “Alexa, play ‘Jump Around’ by House of Pain.” Kosher Klaus Sushi erupts into an instantaneous jubilee and Jewish pride pounces the air, inspiring Rachel Weinstein to flash her tits at Art Show USA as the entire restaurant throws their gold necklaces (with Stars of David’s on them) in her general direction, in honor of all those sweet, harmless Jewish boys who were never taught to defend themselves like the Hebrew Hammer, Bugsy Siegal, or Art Show USA.
Michael Kornbluth
Shabbat Shalom Ramble 3
Set List: Kyrie For President and Fame Whore Ho.
Fame Whore Ho
Look, I’m an A plus narcissist like the rest. But you’re a detestable fame whore if you agree to an interview with Piers Morgan for attention.
Piers calls.
“Chill out Ye, it’s me, Piers.”
“What are the odds of you being called up for an Aliyah at Jared Kushner’s Bar Mitzvah?”
“How do you feel about doing an interview that will be aired on the Tele again Ye?”
“On my show Uncensored you can say whatever you want. Like, Beyonce sat out the national anthem because Demi Lovato sounded too much like the white privileged version of Alabama Shakes. Or say, “Child separation is a good thing, look how Jay Z turned out. Plus, if Coco isn’t separated from his parents, he’d never become a mini-Los Lobos in the making.”
“You don’t even have to dress up for the occasion. Since Pete Davidson stole your thunder and made the pink hoody look great again. Zelensky wouldn’t fuss on my behalf. With all the relief money, you’d think he’d splurge on a new shirt. Now, I know why they call them army fatigues.”
“You can talk about your butt boy Musk all you want. Off the record, Trumpy Poo told me that Elon Musk in high school was net zero bush. And that he still defends his endorsement of Operation Death Speed, despite the clot shot being responsible for more athletes dropping to their knees than George Floyd Appreciation Century Night. And you can talk about how the lethal doses of Fentanyl found in George Floyd’s blood system have killed more crackers in this country than Lena Dunham kicking it with Taylor Swift on Instagram. More Americans would be screaming about the CDC recommending mandatory clot shots on our children if they knew how many soccer players were dropping dead from it. Then again, none of you watch soccer. You’d rather play fantasy football and calculate the black to grey ratio on Brett Favre’s ball sack.”
“You can talk about Caitlyn Jenner on my show. There’s no way Caitlyn Jenner was asexual when Bruce was married to your former mother-in-law Kris. But I’d bet your Old Army hoodie collection that Bruce stayed harder longer after he convinced Kris to cut her hair shorter. So, Kris would look like a dolled up Ralph Macchio but hotter.”
“You do know that I’m a fake news conservative pundit like the rest. I’m Triple-Vaxxed actually. Who cares if the clot shot works less than Russell Westbrook running the triangle offense.”
“Let’s start the interview now. I’m doing all the talking. I hired a Jewish writer named Michael Kornbluth to write all of my new material for me. He considers himself half Heeb crazy for ever considering you a more talented wordsmith than Jay Z, just because you criticized Obama’s baller credentials. Because if Obama is such a baller Dave Chappelle, then why did he ride the bench at an all-Asian private school in Hawaii? In Michael Kornbluth’s book the Great American Jew Novel, which the Midwest Book Review described as a, “Hilarious exploration of New York comedy and culture”, he says. “Trump is Hitler, relax. Sequels never live up to the original. Trump has ties to Russia, duh. What Mail Order Bride Owner doesn’t it? Calling Trumpy Poo, the Anti-Christ is a stretch like Hillary Hammer Time Cankles claiming that half of her deleted emails were yoga related. That’s right, the other half detailed funeral arrangements if Chelsea’s fiancé increased his asking price before walking down the aisle at the last sec. And doesn’t Jesus, the original super Jew, return from heaven to defeat him? So, have some faith in the Jesus comeback story, won’t you people?”
“Your flow isn’t that hardcore hilarious Yoh! And you blow for thinking so. Looks like Biden isn’t the only fucking retard Ye. Or else you wouldn’t have lost your woman to the voice of Generation Z. Shit; Pete Davidson looks like Barney from the Simpsons and Annie Liebowitz had a baby. Also, jumping on top of the anti-Semite bandwagon is a tad passe at this point in your career from a so-called trend setter, don’t you think Ye? I mean, Florida and antisemitism are so hot right now. Your leadership posts on 4 Chan, included. “
“Have you tried Snoop’s dog’s wine yet Yee? According to Wine Advocate it tastes like mouthwash used in porn hood hell. Martha Stewart drinks it on her show. Because she’s down for fucking him on the rag with his crew in tow. It’s her gangbang color Yoh. You, deplorable fame whore ho.”
Challah, thank you very much.
Michael Kornbluth
Fame Whore Ho
Look, I’m an A Plus Narcissist like the rest. But you’re a detestable fame whore if you agree to an interview with Piers Morgan for attention.
Piers calls.
“Chill out Ye, it’s me, Piers.”
“What are the odds of you being called up for an Aliyah at Jared Kushner’s Bar Mitzvah?”
“How do you feel about doing an interview that will be aired on the Tele again Ye?”
“On my show Uncensored you can say whatever you want. Like, Beyonce sat out the national anthem because Demi Lovato sounded too much like the white privileged version of Alabama Shakes. Or say, “Child separation is a good thing, look how Jay Z turned out. Plus, if Coco isn’t separated from his parents, he’d never become a mini-Los Lobos in the making.”
“You don’t even have to dress up for the occasion. Since Pete Davidson stole your thunder and made the pink hoody look great again. Zelensky wouldn’t fuss on my behalf. With all the relief money, you’d think he’d splurge on a new shirt. Now, I know why they call them army fatigues.”
“You can talk about your butt boy Musk all you want. Off the record, Trumpy Poo told me that Elon Musk in high school was net zero bush. And that he still defends his endorsement of Operation Death Speed, despite the clot shot being responsible for more athletes dropping to their knees than George Floyd Appreciation Century Night. And you can talk about how the lethal doses of Fentanyl found in George Floyd’s blood system have killed more crackers in this country than Lena Dunham kicking it with Taylor Swift on Instagram. More Americans would be screaming about the CDC recommending mandatory clot shots on our children if they knew how many soccer players were dropping dead from it. Then again, none of you watch soccer. You’d rather play fantasy football and calculate the black to grey ratio on Brett Favre’s ball sack.”
“You can talk about Caitlyn Jenner on my show. There’s no way Caitlyn Jenner was asexual when Bruce was married to your former mother-in-law Kris. But I’d bet your Old Army hoodie collection that Bruce stayed harder longer after he convinced Kris to cut her hair shorter. So, Kris would look like a dolled up Ralph Macchio but hotter.”
“You do know that I’m a fake news conservative pundit like the rest. I’m Triple-Vaxxed actually. Who cares if the clot shot works less than Russell Westbrook running the triangle offense.”
“Let’s start the interview now. I’m doing all the talking. I hired a Jewish writer named Michael Kornbluth to write all of my new material for me. He considers himself half Heeb crazy for ever considering you a more talented wordsmith than Jay Z, just because you criticized Obama’s baller credentials. Because if Obama is such a baller Dave Chappelle, then why did he ride the bench at an all-Asian private school in Hawaii? In Michael Kornbluth’s book the Great American Jew Novel, which the Midwest Book Review described as a, “Hilarious exploration of New York comedy and culture”, he says. “Trump is Hitler, relax. Sequels never live up to the original. Trump has ties to Russia, duh. What Mail Order Bride Owner doesn’t it? Calling Trumpy Poo, the Anti-Christ is a stretch like Hillary Hammer Time Cankles claiming that half of her deleted emails were yoga related. That’s right, the other half detailed funeral arrangements if Chelsea’s fiancé increased his asking price before walking down the aisle at the last sec. And doesn’t Jesus, the original super Jew, return from heaven to defeat him? So, have some faith in the Jesus comeback story, won’t you people?”
“Your flow isn’t that hardcore hilarious Yoh! And you blow for thinking so. Looks like Biden isn’t the only fucking retard Ye. Or else you wouldn’t have lost your woman to the voice of Generation Z. Shit; Pete Davidson looks like Barney from the Simpsons and Annie Liebowitz had a baby. Also, jumping on top of the anti-Semite bandwagon is a tad passe at this point in your career from a so-called trend setter, don’t you think Ye? I mean, Florida and antisemitism are so hot right now. Your leadership posts on 4 Chan, included. “
“Have you tried Snoop’s dog’s wine yet Yee? According to Wine Advocate it tastes like mouthwash used in porn hood hell. Martha Stewart drinks it on her show. Because she’s down for fucking him on the rag with his crew in tow. It’s her gangbang color Yoh. You, deplorable fame whore ho.”
Challah, thank you very much.
Michael Kornbluth
Do It All Dad Year Podcast Blog 