Bare Minimum Grandparent Providers

Baba isn’t God’s gift kid. Nancy Reagan was an actress before she became a house wife. Baba was a hairdresser for a day before her Spanx fitting, the following week.

What’s your reason for leaving your wife, substandard sex? Grandparent, step up upgrade.

INT. Wife’s Childhood Home
Bare Minimum Grandma Provider
This place is a dump.
Me
You never see your grandchildren Rosa. And stop act like your living room wasn’t an avalanche of disorganization to begin with.

Stay At Home Dads have a grace period before both Grandmas resent your existence because they never enjoyed mothering the way you did. Nor did they engender the same gushing affection from their 2 children compared to your adoring, gaga eyed 3.

Facebook made bare minimum grandparents cheapo love providers. Who needs real face time when you’ve got an endless photo feed filler? To comment on with Emoji’s because you’re an emotionally retarded expressionist resistor.

Wife
You have a bit of persecution complex.
Me
Name a stay at home dad mensch who doesn’t.
You think it’s funny calling myself a mensch?
If a stay at home dad comedian won’t jerk off his superior parenting skills who will?

What’s a bare minimum grandparent provider? A grandmother insisting on watching the local news after dinner. Acting like her 3 grandchildren in the TV Room over Christmas break is cramping her tight in the Spanx style.

I’ll elaborate. What’s a bare minimum grandparent provider? You ask her to babysit once a year over Christmas Break. And she replies with: What time? And Eric hasn’t taken my fat ass out for 2 decades and counting. What time? Like working overtime is in her vocabulary.

Mom
I never told you to become a garbage man. You just need to be a provider.
Me
Thanks for the news flash mom. Because I live to be looked down on by my wife as an exploitative, deplorable dependent bitch under permanent house arrest.

Hey, babe if I get a job at the XFL your mom will hate me forever. Why, you’d have a job? The founder Vince McMahon is boys with Trump. His wife Linda is charge of the Small Business Administration for the White House. Resist this Rosa.

What’s a bare minimum grandparent provider? Grandma saving money on UPS delivery and only sending pictures of her birthday gift for her grandson knowing he’ll be able to collect it 2 months later in person.

What’s a bare minimum grandparent provider? You get texts like Dad mailed Arthur’s card through US Mail, not UPS. So his pathetic fill in excuse for my son’s b-day is a meager act of generous, worshipful spirit for his grandson.

What’s a bare minimum grandparent provider? You get texts like Dad mailed Arthur’s card through US Mail, not UPS. So I shouldn’t be in a rush to judge dad anymore than in my republished piece Wishing My Son’s Birthday Never Blows.

What’s a bare minimum grandparent provider? You get texts like Dad mailed Arthur’s card through US Mail, not UPS. So Dad’s pathetic fill in for his real life presence because he doesn’t do the cold anymore can’t even show timely love.

Hey, babe if I get a job at the XFL your mom will hate me forever. Why, you’d have a job? Not just any job babe, but for a company which has a mission statement I can believe in. Alternative NFL for Gen X proud patriots is Nirvana. Courtney Love would concur.

Hey, babe if I get an executive recruiter job at the XFL your mom will hate me forever. Why, you’d have a job? Babe, it’s the only new startup which will value my old school hustle and xenophobia of social selling only.

Hey, babe if I get a job at the XFL your mom will hate me forever. Why, you’d have a job? Yeah, for the patriotic, America’s Gladiator alternative to the NFL. She won’t be able to take my patriotic powered might anymore, USA, USA.

Editor
Due to your tongue and cheek humor.
We can’t tell what side you’re on.
Me
I’m on God’s side. The one Facebook likes to blotch out in favor of live steaming torture, Kiddie Porn links and F Jews, Farrakhan sermons.

Just to be clear any dumb fuck CIO who doesn’t know how to set up a SKYPE account. Is an overrated full of shit, overrated hack to begin with. I’m also questioning his salesmanship which explains why he’s stuck as the CIO, not CEO.

Editor
Due to your tongue and cheek humor.
We can’t tell what side you’re on.
Me
If I was such a homophobic, Xenophobe.
Why would I go back to a steam room in LA Fitness for a shvitz?

Hey, babe if I get a job at the XFL your mom will hate me forever. Why, you’d have a job? But XFL Magazine isn’t making fake news fro man of the year. To appease his deflated ego in the form of an ex-participation trophy.

What’s a bare minimum grandma provider? One who doesn’t make breakfast till 10:45 AM over Christmas Break. When you’ve had all year as a stay at home doggy sitter to prepare for the arrival of your 3 grandchildren with gifts still in cardboard boxes.

Hey, babe if I get a job at the XFL your mom will hate me forever. Why, you’d have a job? I see. So being a future best selling author/ stay at home dad of 3 kids, only 1 planned is chopped liver?

What’s a bare minimum grandparent provider? You get texts like Dad mailed Arthur’s card through US Mail, not UPS. Got the message. Wishing his grandson’s birthday day never blows isn’t the focal point of his existence.

What’s a bare minimum grandparent provider? You ask holier than now baba to babysit once a year over Christmas Break. And she replies with: But Eric never takes me out anymore. It’s no longer about you Unhuggable Cunt.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Daddy’s German Au Pair Enthusiasm

My 7 Year Old Daughter mocking nacho flavor Cauliflower crackers.
They’re too forced pinko for my taste Dada.

Me flirting with a German Au Pair at the Kids U.
Do you use the word Hipster? Yah. I hear Berlin is more Hipster than Munich. She lights up, Yah. I assume Lena Dunham would still be a virgin in Germany. Yah.

I appreciate your enthusiasm screams, have fun at your Trump rallies. Until my impeachment fantasy comes true and musky Mueller is knighted with an Old Spice campaign in his honor. Too bad, Trump’s not sweating it babe.

If someone is adamant about you not pissing them off. It means you pissed them off royally. Especially, when you learn later about what garbage their Twitter feed is consumed with.

Once Mueller calls it quits and a wall is erected. Resisters will have only 1 year to recuperate before year 4 of Trump’s historic 1st term presidency. US troops coming home beats my mother’s in law’s go to sock gift, USA, USA, USA.

I appreciate your enthusiasm is what HR says to you. Because asking their husband if they want to hang out and talk is normally drowned out by their dumpy husband throwing on his noise canceling headphones soon after.

I appreciate your enthusiasm is a patronizing blow off. It screams, nice hat hick. What difference does it make? Is a close 2nd but not really.

INT. BARBER SHOP
Me
What was Meat Head Archie in the Polo fleece so miserable about?
Besides, my blond haired kids outshining his ginger white privileged squareness whole.

INT. BARBER SHOP Version 1
Barber
What’s your book about?
Me
Being a stay at home dad in the age of me to fake feminists.
Who uses aggressive toned comedy to fight back with.

INT. BARBER SHOP
Barber
What’s your book about again?
Me
Being a stay at home dad fighting for respect through the power of punchline driven prose about dads being more stimulating parent coaches than mom.

INT. BARBER
Me
I’m glad Serena Williams is on the cover of GQ for woman of the year. Because photo shopping Bobby Seal’s leather jacket from the Black Panthers on Collin Kaepernick would’ve been really forcing the issue.

Let me guess the #newinstagram allows you to filter out presumptive hate vibes produced by your driving selfies. In order to secure your safe space shelter immune from charges of narcissism gone wild.

My extended flirt exchange with a German Au Pair at the Kids U.

You’re from Germany. Do you hate Merkel? Who? Angela Merkel. Yah, people love her. But she was just forced to resign. She’s ok. Obama get’s the same downgrade treatment here.

HR asks me. Will commuting be an issue after being a stay at home dad? I say. After looking after 3 kids 3 summers in a row. My commute will feel like a 5 week rave in Germany.
I hear German men get 1 year of paid maternity leave yah? Au Pair says. But you have to be employed prior. So an HR Manager for SAP Germany would still see 3 gap years, not 2 for you.

Do you drink German wines? Yah, French ones to. But I’m only 19. Do you have a fake ID? Yah. Do you have house parties with other Au Pairs? No. I would’ve exploded in my pants if you said yes.
Is it possible for a kid you take care of to profess greater love for you than her own mommy? Yah. It’s happened to a friend of mine. Is she taller than you? Where do you hang out exactly?

Are most German girls tall like you? Yah, most men in America are much smaller than me though. You mean my people the Jews. Who hate how Trump towers over them in more ways than 1.

I read a parenting book that said German parents let their kids play with knives as early as 4. No, not you. I guess they were no extra circumcision knives lying around your parents pantry.
I hear German families let their kids play outside the house unsupervised. So parents have more free time inside to play with the Au Pairs themselves.

Me sabotaging my flirting session with a German Au Pair.

My Mother In Law only allows my 3 kids to have fun in her cramped, designated playroom downstairs. So she doesn’t hear the patter of happiness upstairs. Total Nazi Move, right?
The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth