Billion Dollar Brain

EXT. Home

Daughter

The worst thing about Wasps is they don’t die after they sting you.

Do It All Dad

Mama thinks I might be allergic to Wasps but I don’t break out in hives during Easter egg hunts in Delaware.

I hate alumni from Ithaca College because they always tense when I start a chat. I graduated Ithaca in 99. You know Cornell’s retarded next door neighbor. Ithaca alum responds, “I don’t have any Ivy League Illuminati connections on LinkedIn. So fuck off already.”

My wife sucking at parenting. Amber alert blares from my wife’s phone. She explains to our 8 year old daughter. It’s the child abduction alert dear. I say. But dissapproving of Sanctuary Cities that prevent ICE from deporting thèse animals is racist.

Toronto Star claims Trudeau black’s face is as Canadian as hockey. Too bad, nobody is ever confusing for him for the great one. At least Obama, is feeling better about himself today. Hey Michelle, the fruity Canuck makes me look like Richard Pryor.

Amber alert blares from my wife’s phone. She explains to our daughter. It’s the child abduction alert dear. Daughter freaks. I put my Second City Improv training to work. Yes but thèse alerts are caused by Hélicoptèr Moms with nothing better to do.

When I ask Alexa to play Hair Metal power ballads, she fucks with my fading sense of maturity by playing Hair Metal ballads gone lullaby. So I never outgrew my age of innocence. At least I don’t try to act young by sending dic pics to torn up muff Jeff.

When I ask Alexa to play Hair Metal power ballads, she fucks with my fading sense of maturity by playing Hair Metal ballads gone lullaby. So I never outgrew my age of innocence. At least I don’t send dic pics to torn up muff, éligible for Medicare Bezos.

When I ask Alexa to play Hair Metal power ballads, she fucks with me and plays Hair Metal ballads gone lullaby. So I never outgrew my childhood. At least I don’t send dic pics to stay current Bezos. She’s only old enough to play Selena Gomez’s grandmother.

INT. MORNING-AM

Do It All Dad

What do you think of Nat King Cole?

Daughter

Wimpy.

Do It All Dad

Come to think of it. Nat King Cole is guilty of appropriating Jewish produced, schmaltzy Broadway bound ballads for a living.

INT. HOME

Do It All Dad

Enchiladas are rolled up corn tortillas in a red or green sauce with melted cheese on top.

Daughter

No, Enchilada is my vagina.

Do It All Dad

No, that’s my code word for your private part to put some undies on after the bubble.

My wife sucking at parenting. Amber alert blares from my wife’s phone. She explains to our 8 year old daughter. It’s the child abduction alert dear. Daughter begins to freak. I say. Mama ruined your innocence more than Family Guy with Dada did.

Saw Paper Tiger. Spoiler alert, Burr holding his daughter on an empty stage in Royal Albert Hall was an amazing payoff. It’s a very powerful, beautiful image. Burr really loves being a family man. Got to love him for it. Still, I laughed zéro times throughout.

Russell Brand Rebirth starts off real strong. He’s more poetic sounding than Hicks and doesn’t come off as a pontificating sour puss who never got laid after shows in the midwest. Brand’s act outs to make his comédic points with solid, funny punchlines are great. Last, he’s an ultra colorful expressionst and never droll dumpy like Ricky Gervais mate.

DeBlasio ended his campaign for President of the United States. What happened? Think Tanks in DC decided his wife wasn’t 1st lady material. The report stating, she makes Michelle Obama come off a gracious, classy, non disbarred altruist in XL shoulder pads.

What’s your favorite Climate Strike protest sign?

China Isn’t Helping

Cannibalism Reduces Your Carbon Footprint

September Should be More Temperate

CNN Is Boiling Hot Over It’s Rating

Jimmy Carter Is Pro Nuclear Power In the Hands of The Shah.

So it’s treason when Trump speaks with a foreign leader. But when Obama authorizes the shipment of 175 billion to Iran without congressional approval, he’s known as just another Jihadist downplaying, Holocaust denier Farrakhan clone with better complexion.

The rise in white supremacist violence is a top threat. Sure, if Sanctuary Cities order cops to stay still as the activist media encourages ANTIFA’s ironic use of violence to pummel gay Vietnamese journalists who have a byline in the National Review.

White House chat between Trump and Mark Zuckerberg.

You’re banning plastic water bottles at Facebook Mark? I didn’t know Fuji water encouraged hate speech against fake news Hawaiians like Obama. If Obama was scandal free, I’m allergic to high end trim.

INT. HOME-9PM

Tired daughter whimpers.

Daughter I feel like you don’t love me anymore.

Do It All Dad

But according to mama I’m a narcissist and you’re my funnier, sweeter twin, so that’s literally impossible Billion Dollar Brain.

Michael Kornbluth

Ride or Die Barbie’s

Hasbro the Toy Company just bought Death Row Records. Will Mr. Potato Head come with a bullet proof vest because he has enough missing organs already?

How did the CEO of Hasbro spin this acquisition to his board of directors? Cabbage Patch Kids need an urban brand refresh less elitist conjuring than Michelle’s Obama’s Kombucha liquid lunches.

Hasbro the toy company just bought Death Row Records, after buying Mattel which makes Barbie. The Tupac doll comes topless because your daughter will undress him in 2 seconds, anyway. Today Suge Knight declares from prison. Poetic Justice is served bitch.

Hasbro makes GI Joe action figures. But Suge Knight isn’t an American hero. He’s a convicted Crip who would make Cobra Commander fold his laundry after making him his gimpy bitch in the slammer.

I’m not joking. Hasbro the Toy Company just bought Death Row Records. It ain’t nothing but a hostile takeover of Snoop’s patented corn rows look for an urban refresh line of My Little Pony Got Booty Dolls.

Hasbro really bought Death Row Records after merging with Mattel. The new CEO of Hasbro is a closeted Trumpian. His mission statement for the company is F the PC Police. He offered Kayne West the job as Creative Play Officer.

Now that Hasbro is in bed with Death Row Records. Will Old English pay for product placement ads in Barbie The Rap Video Ho Star for Netflix?

I still can’t believe Hasbro just bought Death Row Records. How did the CEO of Hasbro spin this acquisition to his Board of Directors exactly again? Lincoln Logs are racist. Now we’re calling them Obama Logs. Trumpian board member replies. But Obama grew up under a tent village, studying the Koran in Kenya.

Hasbro really bought Death Row Records after merging with Mattel, who makes Barbie. Smart PR move, Hasbro, knowing Snoop’s brain hovers a notch below porn hood hell.

Michael Kornbluth

Better Than Boobie

1st conclusion about making homemade Spicy Banana Bread. The faster I’m done beating the batter, the faster I can beat my race against my asshole turning into a Rainbow emitting glory hole.

INT. HOME

Do It All Dad

Is the Banana Bread better than boobie?

2 Year Old Chef Samuels

Yeah.

Do It All Dad

Warming it up helps. Cold Banana Bread tastes like damp, semi defrosted cereal.

Another conclusion from making homemade Spicy Banana Bread. Your wife gives non-mushy praise. “You’ve already baked something better than your mom ever did.” I reply, “That’s like saying your mom writes better texts than me. And she’s an emotionally retarded expressionist.”

More sexualized conclusions about making Spicy Banana Bread. Served warm, it does taste better than boobie, especially when the husband samples the nips for old time sake, forgetting they now taste like a regrettable non fat-latte.

More conclusions from making Spicy Banana Bread. I wouldn’t consider Ginger a spice, unless I’m going down on Lindsay Lohan with a gas mask on.

INT. HOME

Do It All Dad

What do you think?

Wife

Why did you refrigerate the banana bread?

Do It All Dad

Because limp yuckiness tastes superior to gooey warmness filling your mouth whole.

Wife

Gross, you’re such a passive aggressive perv.

Other health conscious conclusions from making homemade Spicy Banana Bread. When you make it with part Greek Yogurt, you’ve already served your kids their bare minimum dose of protein. My daughter does 5 one armed pushed ups after and blurts. Not enough protein America.

My Jewish paranoid conclusion from making homemade Spicy Banana Bread.

I’d be accused of hate speech on the Great British Bake Off for calling my British born mother in law anti-Semitic for never making me a Sponge Cake for my birthday. We bake Matzo with gentile baby blood because the Matzo isn’t flavorless enough already.

Final conclusion on making homemade spiced banana bread. A Loaf Pan needed to make it is totally worth the purchase. It’s lightweight, compact and easy to stick in the cabinet without your house of pans tumbling down on top of your vagina.

Michael Kornbluth

My Daughter Identifies As Hindu

Chicago police investigated Jussie Smollet’s hate hoax too vigorously. What did they do? Google MAGA country. Interrogate Jussie about his personal business. Describe your casting couch scene with Lee Daniels. You wouldn’t cross that line, how precious.

Sasha Obama breaking the ice with her roommate at the University of Michigan in their dorm room for freshman orientation.

I get high with my dad. On it, he sounds like a fake news deep, biracial, Bob Marley.

Sasha’s roommate from yenta breath country in Long Island replies.

Yeah, so why haven’t you grown into your mom’s shoulder pads yet? Did your strict almond smoothie diet stunt your growth in the White House? I don’t get it. You’re not going to put up a signed Rolling Stone cover of the squad over my Fab Five one are you?

AOC claims millennials are willing to puncture more taboos than previous generations such as likening border detention facilities to accelerated death camps for starters. The showers in Auschwitz were used for more than lice removal babe.

AOC also claims millennials are more willing to have conversations older generations don’t. You know like whether Henry David Thoreau’s was a lesser poet than Chuck D despite both having supportive mama’s. Who raised them around trees instead of fire escapes.

Wife calls after just leaving for work.

Wife

How are you guys doing?

Do It All Dad

The kids are no longer crying for your attention. But the pizza you made is yummy. Can I go back to enjoying it again because you already feel my annoyance?

INT. HOME

Son

Matilda took a dump on the floor.

Do It All Dad

Maybe, she was impersonating a blacked out Sam Kinison. Either way, leave me alone, clean it up and stop making my alleged break from parenting you a total shit show.

INT. HOME-AM

Baby

Mama, mama.

Do It All Dad

There’s nothing mama can’t do that the Wonder Pets can’t do better. Wonder Pets save the Rat Pack baby. Vince Vaughn ain’t got shit on me.

My daughter’s way more sensitive to her baby brother’s moaning than I am. Baby cries Mama. And she starts praying to Vishnu, to put her baby brother’s spirit in touch with Mama, when she’s at work. So I can get inspired to write Hebrew or Hindu?, already.

Proof your son believes in you winning. Dada, I see hand prints on your book. The hotel guys definitely took a peak at it.

Michael Kornbluth

Dragging Out Drag Queen Story Hour

Drag Queen

Do you kids have any questions about me?

Daughter

Do you have a different way to express your feminine side without wearing such heavy makeup?

Do you think Bette Midler should have her account suspended on Twitter, for wishing President Trump would be murdered, buried in an undisclosed location along Rockaway Beach somewhere?

If Drag Queens are obsessed with expressing their own special brand of individuality, then why do they dedicate their lives to dressing up like Donna Summer, only performing songs they heard on the radio, radio?

If Drag Queens care so much about reading to kids at libraries, why don’t they become full time Librarians instead? Knowing Librarians objectify their bodies less than Nuns do? Just think of how much money Drag Queens would save on their dry cleaning bills alone.

If a Drag Queen wrote a kids story, would she be more inclined to call it Nocturnal Beauty Only? Because Library lights aren’t as forgiving in broad daylight.

Was it Michelle Obama’s idea to strong arm Libraries into Drag Queen reading hour because her gay friends were such big fans of Joan Rivers on Fashion Police?

Why is my younger brother better at putting on nail polish than I am? Does this mean he identifies more with being a Cambodian manicurist than I do?

Don’t you think Drag Queen reading hour is more age appropriate for reading stories such as Bi Curious George? Targeted toward sexually confused hipsters reared on Lou Reed Records.

Why don’t Drag Queens ever dress up like any of the Hair Metal Gods my dad worships like Tom Kiefer from Cinderella? Or does the raspy howl of their lead singer Tom Kiefer, clash with the old school Dolly Parton type?

Michael Kornbluth

Pizza Maker In Heaven

Pizza Maker In Heaven

“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.”
George Bernard Shaw

Daughter takes one bite of my homemade Burrata, creamy filled mozzarella bomb pizza, with roasted, fresh basil flecked, roasted cherry tomatoes on top of a cornmeal dusted bottom and practically faints, before delivering the most kindhearted, emotive compliment in do it all dad’s honor ever. “Daddy, I know you still really want to be a headliner standup comedian. But can’t you be a Pizza Maker in Heaven instead? Uncle Rodney will be your favorite customer. Remember how much he likes pizza in Easy Money? You’re money in the bank daddy, money in the bank.”

Pizza Maker in Comedy Heaven has an even nicer ring to it. I can bust Frank Sinatra’s balls for hanging out with Don Rickles, so some personality can rub off through osmosis. I’d also give him grief for ordering one of his goons to knock on Jackie Mason’s hotel room in Vegas, only to break his nose, for making fun of Frank too much. After Frank’s goon shatters Jackie Mason’s nose. Jackie replies with, I told Frank Don Rickles was hitting him with kiddie gloves compared to me.

I love cooking for my 3 children, wife included, but it’s their palpable joy which I derive the most amount of giving pleasure from because all my dishes are made with love. That’s my new line I deliver around my wife whenever I feel like her dinner performance was halfhearted, non-thought through, ordinary dinner assemblage. Thing is, my wife is a good cook. She can even make Lentil Soup scrumptious and visually appealing. But mama isn’t racking up as many yummy dances around the downstairs floors as I do.

 

My attitude is if you’re a stay at home dad or mom, whether it’s your choice or not, make the most of it, by making the family meal great again. Wash the table cloths with the intention of making the family meal a springboard for special memories attached to your home forever. Telling Alexa, never play Barbara Streisand duets with Frank Sinatra again through the Alex app and requesting Send in the Clowns versus just play Frank Sinatra helps maximize the enjoyment factors from these family, forming meals also.

I’ve injected my 3 children into grown up activities I’ve missed out on since becoming a father such as going to any rock concert I wish. Took my kids to see Kid Rock in Hartford, CT. A faded groupie of old was well meaning when she said to my kids, “That brings me back.” And I’m thinking to when?  Your dad ditching your mom for a friskier looking fox half way into a Lynyrd Skynyrd’s cover band version of Free Bird at a local Hartford bar when the Wailers weren’t in town?

 

Thing is, most rock concerts venues are far removed from being considered “family friendly.” For example, when I took the entire family to see Foreigner, Cheap Trick and Jason Bonham’s band in Bethel Woods, my kids were treated with immediate eye scolding, sacrament destroying disdain as if I was intentionally trying to freak all the old timer speed freaks by sneaking my kids into a concert like Michael Jackson’s kids concealed in burkas from head to toe.

Also, I can’t even go to a random pizzeria these days in NY, without being treated like an off-duty Ice Agent in North Face. So where else can a do it all dad attain an ideal mix of tunes and bonding through doing time with his children than in the kitchen at home? Not convinced yet at the bonding rich potential of cooking with your kids even if you’re not self-proclaimed shishy bitch who used to shop at Trader Joes back in the day in LA, only to get Vermont cheddar for his homemade Tuna Melts with avocado, before Vermont cheddar went mainstream.

My youngest child, lucky number 3, Chef Samuels will point at a red onion at Stop and Shop and say, “Eyes”, before rubbing his eyes from the crying produced from cutting onions in the 1st place. I don’t call my son Chef Samuels for nothing folks. He also already eats primo smoked salmon with no adornment whatsoever in addition to eating bits of anchovies pre-Puttanesca. Puttanesca is actually pussy in Italian, so in another lifetime my son obviously had zero problem muff diving before inhaling Sophia Loren scrumptious lobes of perfection whole, hey now. Living out my sexual fantasies through my son is  solid reason for you to call Child Services on me, I agree.

 

Yeah, hello, Child Services, I follow this comedian, I think on WordPress and he’s projecting his Sophia Loren motor boat fantasies through his 2-year-old son which is going over the line in my book. Before you know it, he’ll start smelling his other son’s Pre-K teacher’s hair in his jerkoff fantasies, Mrs. Russo, before titty blasting her in the face. Don’t get me wrong, child services, I’m also a married slut in a straight jacket. But I don’t utter my sexual fantasies through the guise of my children for the entire world to read on the Internet forever either. I am truly testing my editors open minded nature today.

 

When else can dad enjoy a family friendly environment among his favorite people in the universe than at a meal at home? You make sure there’s no Hulu on demand to contend with. It also helps when it’s a passive aggressive free zone, assuming the resistor grandparents aren’t in attendance.

 

If you truly feel your kids are superior company than most, then wouldn’t you care about blowing them away with your homemade peanut Thai sauce minus the coconut cream with a mixture of Lo Mein and Pad Thai noodles, with primo priced, peanut oil, fried, dehydrated, rectangular bits of soy because you schlepped to the zero smiles Chinese grocery store in White Plains, for the peanut oil in the 1ast place?

Who doesn’t want to outshine mommy in the kitchen? For once, the white man, doesn’t have to apologize for being an ineffectual jerkoff. What makes your kids love you more? More Duplo purchases, to keep them busy, so you can read comments on Breitbart, to catch an occasional summation of all Obama’s fuckups. Or, taking the time to teach your kids how to cook, feed themselves, learn to trust their instincts in the kitchen, massage their garbanzo beans with olive and lemon juice in the most sensual, giving a shit about foreplay way possible to solidify deep rooted bonds with your children far past when you’re gone? Because Pizza Makers in Heaven don’t grow on trees and I need to hear Rodney state, “Pizza was good kid but your jokes are perfect.”
The End,

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Spring Break in Norway

 

You didn’t even get a tan? I remember my Alternative School teacher in High School reprimand me with wholehearted disgust after I returned from Cancun senior year paler than an English albino on Spring Break in Norway. All I had to show for my trip in Cancun my senior in year high school was an assemblage of color lamented wrist bands proving, I drank my NBA basketball card collection money in one not so comped swoop. Never got why my dad would pay for my room and airfare in Cancun yet insist I sell all of my NBA Dream Team rookie cards for extra shekels to blow on low grade Tequila poppers and more Corona with Lime. But at least, I knew how to pop a Corona open with a lighter by the end of our trip. Plus, I’m forever blessed with images of my wild man friend Jared with his old school boom box like a more loquacious Radio Rahim, blaring Oh What A Night with his new harem of New Jersey gals. Who couldn’t get enough of his magnetic, party animal, putz free personality.

What makes Spring Break suck? Trying to hook up with the same chesty Italian girl in Cancun from your Princeton Review class in Tuckahoe. Realizing after 3rd flailing tries to drum up interest in hooking up with you again, that tan, six pack ripped, Guido’s from Jersey, the original metrosexuals are more up her alley than a knock-kneed bench warmer. Who spranced down the basketball court, on his tippy toes, looking like I was modeling Jimmy Choo high heels instead of David Robinson high tops.

Why did my family vacation in Norway for Spring Break? The main reason is because letting your parents plan on your vacation on Spring Break for you sucks. Especially, knowing, it’s a paid for, arranged trip to visit them in Arizona, so they feel better about themselves for blowing of their grandchildren for cheaper property taxes and majestic looking piles of rocks in the desert 350 days out of the year. Also, spring break in Arizona with your 3 kids as a stay at home dad isn’t pleasant vacation from domestic servitude because your old school dad who views stay at home dads as sheltered bums makes it very clear by his huffy signs of disgust 2 days there, signaling, he doesn’t believe you deserve any vacation at all. In fact, the only reason you’re arranged visit is happening is because your parents have frequent flyer points and my mother would be speechless next time one of my dad’s yenta wife friends asked her how often she saw her grandchildren, let alone helped out last year. Paying for daycare doesn’t count.

Arizona was our original Spring Break destination but we had a giant misunderstanding with my parents, meaning they promised to give us X for our house, after we made an offer for it and then backed out only giving us Y. It was a dream house, we were going to pay the majority of the mortgage for. It was an old Victorian in Mahopac, overlooking the lake, had 2 acres of rolling hills land, the perfect climbing tree, a freaking purple farm house we could’ve have rented out to some artist to give my daughter drawing lessons. But poof, the dream went away, because my parents deemed the house too nice, outshining their estate home in Arizona shrine to themselves, so we lost out on the deal of the century. Wife cried and was heartbroken over it. It was a roller  coaster of emotion. Just imagine, you extend an offer on a dream house, only to have it go poof to find out on Thanksgiving eve, your parents deciding to pass on providing the reminder of down payment money needed to secure the home and home loan because my younger brother was getting engaged soon and didn’t want his big brother to make him feel smaller than what his limited imagination does in the 1st place. So, my saintly, hippie, lactation consultant nurse wife booked us a trip to Norway, only 99 dollars for each family member each way, out of Stewart Airport, which is only 20 minutes from where we live and not Newark or La Guardia. Sign me up coach, I’m ready to nosh on some primo smoked trout in Norway right away.

After the birth of my 1st child, Matilda Singing Rose Kornbluth, I recall my mom throwing my dad under the bus during a chat on a park bench. She mentioned how all the pictures on Facebook showing us taking sweet Matilda on hikes in Maine and so forth bring her non-stop joy yet the joy was bitter sweet because it illuminated for her the painful reminder of the fact how growing up, my parents never took my younger brother and I on many family trips, even on local affordable getaways to Manhattan, only a 30 minute drive north for us because my dad would freak out over who’d look after us kids. My dad used the same logic for never getting us a dog, the one time I broached the idea. He said something like, you and your brother are lazy pieces of shit, mom and I work. So, who’s going to look after the dog? As you complete your metamorphosis of complete uselessness trying to beat Metroid again for the zillionth time. My dad’s always been a Hyatt hotel type of a guy, so camping outside a cornfield was never his idea of semi splendid isolation as a caravan of cool Philly, public school teachers puffed nearby with us, as Grateful Dead’s American Beauty sailed through the air. Actually, this was before Matilda was born but we do call her our American Beauty, because we’re convinced she was conceived in our REI tent, in a cornfield, outside of the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown, NY on July 4th weekend when the band Further was in town, whose the new incarnation of the Grateful Dead before John Mayer’s luscious lock flowing licks got involved in the mix. Never forgot, taking our daughter to a Further show 2 year later, a week after her 2nd birthday up in Bethel Woods, which is the outdoor venue where the original Woodstock was held. My daughter did an intricate, at one with the music dance to Eyes of the World which had all the hippies aghast in spellbinding, believing in old soul reincarnation now delight. Prior, I took my just turned 2-year-old daughter around the parking lot scene in Bethel Woods to take in the sprawling, dishelved freak show, bad idea. Two seconds later, my 2 year old daughter points at a dinged-up hippie, sucking down Nitus balloons like his remaining oxygen supply dependended on it. After the hippie sucks down his last balloon, my daughter points at the balloon and says, birthday and I said no, burn out day.

 

Now, my 3 kids are doing snow angels on spring break, enveloped by the Fjords in the remote hinterlands of Norway, with cliff mountains dominating the background in resplendent, been there, done that, seen my fair share of Ice Ages, come and go man. And it was perfect. The heated bathroom floors and dead spot free WIFI so I could tweet up a storm of new jokes overseas from Flam, drinking super affordable Italian reds Barolo’s didn’t hurt my vacation enjoyment factor either. Neither did the mesh lined trampolines, and Peter Jackson, Lord of the Rings inspired tree houses turned into playgrounds with zip lines throughout the city of Bergen, in addition to the 5 different types of complimentary, brie included in our boutique hotel, on top of access to Absinthe and all Norwegians understanding of my dry, NY sense of humor made Spring Break in Norway far superior than my jokes bombing in Arizona because some Southwest hick waitress at the local Cantina in Scottsdale, has no idea what I’m talking about again.

Backpacking through Norway with 3 kids was a needed family adventure I’ll cherish in my heart forever. Going to Clearwater Beach, a retirement community for Spring Break in college, only for my fake ID to be confiscated was nowhere near my past collage of sucky spring breaks of yesteryear. Now, I have memories of my son Art Show doing snow angles in 5000 thread count soft snow in Flam, Norway only to take a stroll later with daddy around the lake, surrounded by mountainous, majestic, Fjords, only to blare out, “Drago, Drago, Drago.” You can really here my son’s Drago echoes cascade off these edge of the earth mountains. My reverberating, ear splitting laughter, as a result of my son’s hilarious, inspired, picture perfect comedic timing, was perfect. No wet t-shirt contest at Senior Frogs or busty Italian vixen with o percent body fat from Princeton Review looking like a blond, younger, more fetching version of Lorraine Bracco, popping my cherry in Cancun would top this moment ever.

 

Spring Break in Norway was in our control, not my parents and it was just what the family doctor ordered because my wife’s Instagram follower count went through the roof. Now, her phone was the happiest place on earth and I didn’t have to fret about concerns about my wife dusting off her old bikini 3 kids later. Nor did we have to apply sun tan lotion on our 3 kids every second they hopped out of the pool again in Arizona or if we went to Florida for that matter for Spring Break, so it was a win, win.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Parenting Doesn’t Matter

Empire Star Henson says, “Thank God truth prevailed.” About the hate crime being staged? The Mueller report revealing Obama’s shady directed dossier? Or Rham Emanuel being dominated by Michelle in racquetball at the local Y?

The WGA threatens to stop writing shitty scripts which shoot in Georgia, if the abortion bill passes there. Since when are million dollar actresses getting knocked up by Jeff Foxworthy’s body double on Tastes like My 2nd Cousin?

Bloomberg Op Ed reads the US must refresh population through immigration. But Trump and ICE are already preventing Fentanyl from wiping out all the white trash you detest already. I’d call a timeout on your wiped out refresh for now.

Stacy Abrams says Beto is hyped because he’s white. I thought it was because he was the second coming of a humorless, spazy, Freddie Prinze Junior, with no good material whatsoever.

Kobe claims he’s better than MJ. You can’t accuse Kobe of slow fades from the spotlight in walled off seclusion like Roman Polanski. I hope Kobe was innocent. Roman obviously not. The sketchy scowl still irks me. Bonds was more happy go lucky.

Kobe claims he’s better than MJ now. At what, forcing chucked fade away 3’s with a hand in his face? With a more reliable European big to dish off to if he wasn’t such a scowling ball hog about it. Beat Bird or Magic in the Finals and will talk.

Kobe claims he’s better than MJ now. Who do I blame now, Rape Wood, for giving Mamba an ego now with no end, goat herder beard Lebron or Trump for filling more seats than a screening room at the Tribeca Film Festival?

Michelle Obama’s memoir is becoming the best selling one in history. PT Barnum’s memoir at one point outsold the Bible. So unless Michelle starts outselling the Koran in the billions, I’m not impressed.

Michelle Obama’s memoir is becoming the best selling one in history. The sequel will be titled, How to Get Off Jussie Smollet without the audio version of Jay Z’s book narrated by Blair Underwood.

Michelle Obama’s memoir is becoming the best selling one in history. Too bad there’s no mention of Joan Rivers banning the Obama’s from her funeral. Or how Michelle made white bread at Trader’s Joe taste like stale crackers.

Do It All Dad attempting to squash things with his 5 year old son.
Sorry about yelling at you before going over Q words last night. I still want Mama. I’m going to annoy you the rest of my life now. Do you feel the ants crawling on the back of your neck yet? Great, now I’m no better than your sick humored mother.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

You’re Worse Than Hillary

Int. Home
Son
Daddy, these gym socks are so you run like a Cheetah.
Do It All Dad
Call daddy a slacker if I’m not on the treadmill before you wake up every morning now that my leg is healed.
Son
Enough with the excuses slacker, you’re worse than Hillary.

Special counsel, Mueller didn’t exonerate the President of obstructing justice? Then, why do the echos of impeaching the motherfucker feel less hollow today than the DNC’s condemnation of hate speech because that’s what they embody. They’re truth a phobic.

Mueller wasn’t consulted on the summary of his report by Attorney General William Barr. Who gives a shit? Mueller had 2 years to get pretty familiar with such flimsy source material used for a hack spec script for FX’s Americans.

The Mueller report says it does NOT “exonerate” Trump because he doesn’t want his BFF James Comey and their pals at CNN and MSNBC to pull the plug on their pathetic, meaningless lives on a Sunday alone with their sheepish followers on Twitter.

If the investigation into Clinton’s emails had been handled the same way, the outcome of the election would be different. Words like Uranium One, Seth Rich, Benghazi & spirit cooking, are more than just bullet points on Hillary’s resume resistors.

 

Gronk retires the day McCabe, Comey, and Obama sandal sniffing Brennan become the known public enemy number one’s. Guilty of obstruction and colluding to overthrow a duly elected president. Send these tight ends to Gitmo already Mr. President, God speed.

Marc Cuban trying to act smarter than Skip Bayless.
Everything you say is general. Nobody cares about your opinion. How about you’re a coder nerd. You’re another moron who was with her. And you’re on my show for a reason Lebron licker

INT. Home
Wife
Wordpress is the most popular recruitment platform for terrorists.
Do It All Dad
Is this your way of saying I’m abusing my freedom of speech more than your average Jihadi transplant in Minnesota or Michigan?

 

Chair was classified as a terrorist organization by the United Arab of Emirates. Obama opposed the classification because he would know more than Arab leaders who didn’t attend private school in Hawaii.

I want 4 kids now so old men stop badgering me with. We had 4, without me asking them in the 1st place. Well, I only planned 1  as an f you dad baby to get back at my father for implying I live for handouts. We have nothing in common.

Int. Home
Wife
You look sad.
Do It All Dad
My heart’s depressed for turning my anger at cleaning dishes 1st thing in the morning after cooking for 3 nights in a row inward.

INT. Trader Joe’s
Female Worker
You better eat all that food.
Do It All Dad
Or you’ll what, report me to Jimmy Buffet in Munchieville?

 

Happy Opie and Anthony gave Jim Norton a shot at taking over the show as the real talent. Loved how Patrice, scariest elephant in the room was a mainstay. But they suffer from major Howard derangement syndrome for ever thinking they were in his class.

Arliss was a great show pre-Lebron before the NBA existed as a safe space to preserve his punctured ego. The season finale of Arliss from 5000 years ago is great. The gold prospector ghost declares, “I love my work.” Robert Wuhl did to, bravo.

Gronk is so pimp. Only Gronk can get away with over the top soundbites on Colin Herd . Of course Gisele, is a beautiful super model of yesteryear but she’s still 80 in model years. Relax, Bleacher Report, Brady doesn’t get deflated.

My retired mom’s 24 hour reply policy for texted pics of her 3 grandchildren from me.

She needs 24 hours to process her hatred at my father and my younger brother for making it more difficult to visit more and create picture perfect moments on her own.

INT. DINNER TABLE-HOME
Daughter
Cody still draws like he’s in Kindergarten.
Mom
So does daddy.
Daughter
You’re in Kindergarten daddy.
Dad laughs.
You’re way funnier than mama.

The End

By,

Micahel Kornbluth

Baby Face Omar

New Urban Dictionary Submission
Anti-Semitism-Meaningless if you’re a Muslim in a post Obama America, even if they insist the Iran deal was the deal of the century for Israel.

Trump constantly calls out Nazi scum for the dirtbags, dregs of society they are yet precious Rep. Illhan Omar is held to the same social standards as brainwashed PLO intern gofers for Roger Waters.

Pelosi defending you know who.
Lawmakers support Israel because they’re getting paid off is nonsense. All Omar was trying to say was the NY Times ignored the Holocaust until it became impossible to ignore. So no worries, knowing the NY Times got her back.

Stifling debate about Mideast policy. Demonize Israel for defending it’s right to exist is the UN’s policy of radical terrorist empowerment, not in Trump’s world. But Cortez confuses the Bronx for Yorktown Heights so she’s mentally challenged to begin with.

Nancy Pelosi defending Omar behind closed doors.
Muslims will be Muslims. Let’s not act like there was a love feast between the 2 religions in the 1st place. The Koran anoints Muslims as our chosen rulers, not Spielberg, Schultz and Kushner, alright.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth