Killing On Date Night

3 kids later, dates with my wife are rare. Last time we had one, the waiter asks, “How are we doing tonight?” I say “Last time we had a night free from our kids, I got my wife pregnant again.  We haven’t ordered our drinks yet. But I already feel like I’m in the midst of a 5 week rave in Germany, if you really need to know.”

Michael Kornbluth

Dr. Seuss Is Tony Robins For Kids

Dr. Seuss wasn’t racist. He’s guilty of peaking early.  But now Dr. Seuss is considered racist since an uppity, NPR devotee librarian from Boston returned  a bunch of Dr. Seuss books donated by the 1st lady, despite JFK being the one who told Frank to disinvite Sammy Davis to his inauguration ball. Plus, Trump passed prison reform, which affects mostly men of color and breaks bread with Jim Brown, whose spent the majority of his post playing career reforming gang banger browns.

The resistor librarian claims Dr. Seuss’s illustrations are steeped in harmful stereotypes. Well, like the Lorax, I speak for the trees, when I tell her to stick with scanning books for a living  because this bitter cat lady is full of ca ca and smells like peepee.

Dr. Seuss drew a picture a topless African in a grass shirt, whoopty-freakin-do. I didn’t know Fubu was in fashion yet. But Dr. Seuss has to be racist. Only 2 percent of the characters in Dr. Seuss books were people of color. What about red, blue fish, gefilte fish? Why not complain about all the greedy, stubby, hooked nosed, Goblin Bankers in Harry Potter? You’d think Mel Gibson was the set designer on the flick.

Last, Dr. Seuss was the Tony Robins for kids, inspiring millions of kids to believe in their dreams even if they felt like their hopes were falling apart at the seams.  Dr. Seuss was right, there is fun to be done and and games to win, success is for the taking, just stop playing the victim and chuck your tablet into the trash bin.

Michael Kornbluth

 

The Sweaty Sex Period

All of my 3 kids are sweet around each most of the time, because they’re all beneficiaries of attachment parenting, which is turning your bed into a 24/7 open milk bar for the foreseeable future. Which isn’t the biggest deal in the world, knowing my sweaty sex period with my girlfriend now wife, only lasted one month max anyway. When our bang, bang bed actually bounced off the ground, defying all laws of gravity, considering my perpetual poundage of her snugger snatch of yesteryear.

 

Michael Kornbluth