All Assholes

After Lebron James lost in the 1st round against the Suns, do you think Obama scurried down into his man cave in Martha’s Vineyard to tear through his private stash of Almond Joys, hid under a giant box of Duct Tape from Costco? Joan Rivers lives. Can I get a Challah, for not giving a shit if I offended you already, and if I did, then go woke yourself, holla; thank you very much.

Why isn’t Marv Albert lionized as a hero of the LGBT community? He had an affair with a retired Broadway Transgender dancer for a solid 15 years. Doesn’t that give him a leg up on the competition? Eddie Murphy getting caught picking up a Transgender prostitute on a lonely West Hollywood night is child’s play in comparison. Oscar De La Hoya got caught wearing woman’s lingerie, whoopty freaking-do.  Del La Hoya was never canceled and had his career taken away during his prime because he liked to nosh on his sexual partners backside with extra relish on it. And there’s no way Marv Albert is capable of sexual assault on anything. He comes up to Spike Lee’s knee. If anyone is guilty of forced sodomy, it’s Spike Lee’s forced fed, media pushed narrative behind critical race theory and all lives matter being the new n word, burning up race relations faster than any Public Enemy video could, thank you very much.

Imagine Marv Albert doing play by play for Drag Queen Reading Hour. Drag Queen says, “Who wants to be a Drag Queen when they grow up?” And Marv Albert says, “We’ve entered serious garbage time folks.” Dr. Seuss, she’s not. Is that an Amber Alert I hear? Another reason, not to encourage your kids to go way downtown. I live in Soho and know what danger lurks behind those dumpster alleys late at night, which isn’t the most spectacular move to make with no protection on your person, which is why even hotels in West Virginia have room service for a reason.” Holla, thank you very much.”

Did you know Ellen DeGeneres and George W. Bush are friends? I knew she was pro bush, but what do they do together exactly? Besides play Operation with Michelle Obama, gender reassignment edition? Watch Portia De Rossi squirm as W paints a portrait of her clit being hacked off in front of Michelle for Sharia Law Appreciation Month?

Portia De Rossi is from Australia like my wife. We wanted to get married there yet my mom shot it down. She calls, “Son, Australia, is a long flight from New York and your father doesn’t love you that much.” I console my wife later and say, “Assuming we have a boy one day, instead of hiring a Rabbi for the circumcision, we hire Crocodile Dundee. Just so we can hear a roomful of Jews say, “Now that’s a knife. You can chop it all off with that thing.”

Daughter asks, “Daddy, was Shakespeare transgender, because he’d dress up like a girl in all his plays? I said, “Back then, male actors played all the female parts because Kate Blanchet’s, great, great, great, grandmother was a but-her-face with no make up on to. So, I don’t know if Shakespeare was Transgender because the Bard of Avon also wrote, “Hanging perverts saved many a bad marriage”, because decoupling hadn’t gone viral yet. Plus, masturbation post #meto wasn’t declared man’s last safety rail left yet. Nor was sexting, Internet porn or dick picks devised back then either, which proved to be the death knell of small talk in this country and beyond, before tatted up white chicks on crystal meth ruined the golden age of muff diving forever. But I do know for a fact that Kevin Spacy bought the Old Vic playhouse in London because backstage the Academy Award winner is gay about lunging at Othello in tights.

If my son played with dolls, I’d tell him to triple wrap his life blaster in the making in seaweed, before taking the deep dive into Polynesian Barbie.

Why is the transgender community so offended by the song Dude Looks Like a Lady? In the song, Steven Tyler takes more than a peek, proclaiming with surging lust, “Oh, what a funky lady, and I like, like it, yeah.” So did Richard Pryor, get over it already. He called it the best piece of pussy Bill Maher never had. Holla, thank you very much.

I’m breaking my Chic-fil-A strike if I see Transgender Father’s Day trend on Twitter again. Either you’re an involved father or you’re not, nipple tits. And stop acting like getting shafted is a new experience you’re closed to pursuing either.

I’m in favor of sexual expression but Drag Queen Reading Hour is a tad scary for our kids, don’t you think? Fluorescent lights don’t look flattering on anybody, let alone on a poor man’s Marilyn Manson impersonator. Also, if we’re going to be exposing our kids to Drag Queen Reading Hour and believe it’s not intended to groom our kids into pool time entertainment at John Podesta’s house, who showcases enough pedo installation art to make Marilyn Manson blush. Why not have a Drag Queen read a fable about buyer’s remorse after playing operation, gender reassignment edition called, The Missing Link? It’s a fable about a sexual awakening on the dance floor at the China Club. Where a horny, sexually repressed, 17-year-old kid from Westchester County reared on Lou Reed Records, desperately tries to his exert his presence behind stuck up Jenny From The Block but fails to flex his manhood up into her round of mound, because his missing link to old school, banging hip hop is gone baby gone. 

At least our kids won’t be required to wear masks at the pool this summer, looking like Michael Jackson’s kids on holiday in Bahrain, who are being forced to identify with the Moderate Muslim Housewives of Manhattan.

This past morning, my wife asks me, “Can I go to sleep now, after working all night at the NICU?” I say, “Do we live under Sharia Law in this house? Of course, you can go to bed now, but not until I titty blast you with this bomb strapped to your chest 1st.” Andy Kaufman lives. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

All American Gold

This is Russell Simmons addressing rape allegations with Gayle King. Read my lisp Gayle. I didn’t rape any of those vengeful, over the hill hoes. I was going to do that joke at the Apollo. 2 hours later, my number hasn’t been called to audition for Showtime At The Apollo. Then, I got triggered after reading article about Nipsey Hussle like he’s the second coming of Tupac and I bolted faster than Usain Bolt with a Chinese Bat on his tail. I already felt less welcome than a resurgent herpes sore on the spot. So, I bolted, thinking, “Fuck the Apollo. It lost its soul when it let Bjork perform after Amy Schumer did, which is a double whammy of shame. Moms Mabley wouldn’t have fucked Amy Schumer with a replica of Sam Cooke’s strapping dick. Who opened for Bjork at the Apollo anyway, The Shrieking Seals? I have 2 books to edit before Father’s Day, Do It Dad Does Jokes and Controlling My Kids With Comedy, A Love Story. I’m out of here. It’s bad enough my wife is already texting me with a request to call her and keep her company in the car with our 3 kids while I have the entire house to myself for change. I’m audi 5000 like Vanilla Ice if Suge Knight busts out of Folsom State Prison with a bigger chip on his shoulder than Michelle Obama’s shoulder pads after Melania was rumored to have fumigated the Lincoln bedroom once they moved in. Apparently, Michelle peed on ceiling fan before Trump’s inauguration. Seconds later, Trump comments to Melania, “Is this what She-Hulk meant when She-He said, “When they go low, we aim high.” Joan lives, holla, thank you very much.”

I leave the bowling alley with my son and this cool Latino biker taking a smoke break outside with his woman says, “Leaving so soon.” I say, “I’ve got 2 kids to pick up now. I never mastered the art of the pump fake.” Latino biker laughs long time. He adds, “You’ve got a great looking kid, God bless.” I say, “I call him chosen curls was bound to woo. I always call him that name in front of my gentile mother-in-law to make her extra tense, whenever were graced with her presence again. But that’s what the bitch deserves for giving my kids eucharist behind my back. And my people the Jews are supposed to have monopoly on backstabbing behavior. Your laugher proves I’m not being a paranoid Jew about it. Thank you very much. But I better tone it down out here in the parking lot or I’ll be charged with hate speech against Unhuggable Cunts, who blamed the broken AC in her car for not visiting her grandchildren one whole summer. Like my father-in-law wouldn’t mind his wife sweating off some tons in the process. I didn’t give her atrophy of the knees, The View did, pushing more lies about Russian collusion with less legs than Lieutenant Dan. Those same chicken heads and fake news comedians never dared to ask Jill Biden if Hunter is the smartest guy she knows. Hunter thought a Ukranian energy company was paying him 52 grand a month to sell borscht as the new Kombucha. Who needs a microphone? I’m sounding louder than Busta Rhymes at a Midnight Showing of Higher learning.” The Latino Biker and his woman laugh long time throughout. Thank you very much.

Knicks fans won’t be allowed to attend Knicks games without showing proof of vaccination if they advance to the second round of the playoffs, And I thought the Biden supporters were guilty of wishful thinking.  

It was just matter of time before the world’s most famous arena, tried to become the most woke to. The Garden of Eden has morphed into Capital Building overnight. Why not erect a fence around the Garden with dangling Knicks masks hanging on it instead? Don’t masks keep the virus at bay like triple wrapping your dick, before rolling around with Madonna’s blown-up camel snatch in the hay?

Madison Square Garden demands Knicks fans show proof of vaccination if they advance to the second round of playoffs, which hasn’t happened since 1999 during the days of Sprewell. This was before Urban Dictionary wasn’t even created to birth new words like Spree (verb) To flee from an impending choke hold. Holla, thank you very much. Again, I thought getting the vaccine prevents you from catching COVID or does it only make you immune from charges of being an anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist, who refuses to suck off Dr. Gnocchi’s exalted wisdom concerning infectious disease prevention till your last dying breath?

Everybody knows Fuck Face Fauci helped finance the Wuhan research, which birthed the world economy wrecking Wuhan virus from hell. But keep on thinking the media and government really care about your personal wellbeing New York. Shutting down the economy for an itchy esophagus, defunding the police, embracing sanctuary city policies, which is encouraged lawlessness on crack, banning bail and posting Cuomo’s meatball recipes on Pinterest will keep New Yorkers pinned to their seats at the Garden in record numbers in no time. Because Andrew Dice Clay playing the Garden in this post woke, COVID controlled universe gone wild will make it the world’s most famous arena again, despite Durant choosing to play for Brooklyn to become the mumble core voice for the mope maligned millennial mousketeer generation. Because I’m positive MSG would welcome Dice back to perform for his 3-night special engagement only titled The Day Democracy Died, after night one, when he opens with. Fuck China. Chinese made Fentanyl has killed more crackers in this country than Taylor Swift kicking with Lena Dunham on Instagram. Trump’s the anti-Christ. But in the bible part 2, doesn’t the original super Jew before me, Jesus Christ kill the Anti-Christ. So have some faith in the Jesus comeback story, won’t you people? I actually had to Google Anti-Christ to find out what it meant. At the time, I thought that’s what Pig Vomit called Howard in Private Parts before he came out as weird, weak woke Howard. So how bad could the Anti-Christ be? That is until Perm Head Howard divorced his wife Alison for Beth, who’s a 6.2 by ghoulish tranny standards at best. But weird woke Howard dumps on Trump supporters, so Jimmy Kimmel keeps on inviting him over for more 2-bite chicken parm dinners. Was just at Target and saw Michelle Obama’s book Reach Higher and I thought. Bill Maher just got a stiffy. Joan Rivers, I fucked her oh. I can’t take no more.

Michael Kornbluth