Lady Laugh Never Let Me Down

My daughter’s dark and twisted #AprilFools joke fantasy.
Replace her younger brother’s Gummy Bear Vitamins with sleeping vitamin Gummy bears made of melatonin.

INT. HOME
Daughter
Whose your boss daddy?
Stay At Home Comedian
Mama’s tried to shame me into retreating from my love affairs with strangers on Twitter and WordPress because she knows I’m past trying to regain her favorable opinion of me.

KP invited his neighbor to party in his pad right after he tore his ACL? Now, KP’s going to be more aggressive taking it to the hole? Harvey Weinstein isn’t trying to rape Gal Gadot only one good leg.

INT. CAR
Stay At Home Comedian
Why add girls to the Boy Scouts?
Friends with benefits doesn’t apply till the legal age anyway.
Also, there’s no merit badge for shooting down hangout time with your guy friends after your married either.

Brett Easton Ellis is real controversial calling Black Panther overrated. Jared Kushner looks good in a bathing suit, real cutting satire there Ellis. You inspired Anthony Jeselnik to become the king of rape humor, congratulations.

Good for John Oliver criticizing Vince for discarding his washed up sports entertainment talent like scraps of Junk Yard Dog meat. Still, it reeks of a partisan agenda, knowing Vince’s ties to Trump and how this screw job was breaking news 30 years already.

The NY Times is so, non-homosexual, lame ass gay. Brett Easton Ellis has gotten slack on Twitter for being a Trump apologist although making it clear he never voted for him. Shit on what’s become the rape enablement party or get off the pot.

INT. Pizzeria
Waiting forever with my son.
Latino Guy
What?
Stay At Home Comedian
Do you want my kids KP jersey for your son?
KP is a fake news rapist like your cousin Hector, no big deal.

Trying to return my son’s KP jersey at Good Will.
No, I don’t believe Latvian Unicorns are capable of rape. I just don’t want my son to get grief at school from the teachers accusing him of being a right wing, Latvian populist.

Last point about KP.
His brother agent is his E from Entourage because he has no other clients.
So don’t you think his brother agent would at least play the role of Turtle and handle any party invites the day he shreds his ACL to pieces?

Int. Best Buy
Stay At Home Comedian
Do you sell CD’s anymore?
Best Buy Worker
No.
Stay At Comedian
I noticed Best Buy having zero problem pushing Michael Jackson’s  Bad on Vinyl. Janet Jackson just got in the Hall for 1 record, no love?

INT. HOME
Daughter
Daddy, whose your boss?
Stay At Home Comedian
Who owns daddy?
I’m possessed with serving lady laugh kid.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

The Day My 1st Love Died

With KP gone, Manhattan is yesterday’s news.

PT Barnum is rolling in his grave knowing Dolan gave away his magical Latvian unicorn with a million dollar, high voltage smile to a billionaire nerd who refuses to splurge on a good hair stylist for peanuts on the dollar.

When can I start blaming Deblasio for New York City’s losing culture? NYPD turned their backs on garlic breath . It was just a matter of time before a Trump supporting Uni did the same.

All NBA talking head pundits are idiots for defending the decision to dump KP because his brother agents rubbed the Knicks front office the wrong way, coming off like Russian Gangsters in 25th Hour. KP is Dirk and Ralph Sampson on MDMA morons.

If KP wins an NBA Championship for the Dallas Mavericks. He could run for President and Cuban can be his VP. The FBI can forge his birth certificate and make it look less like a futzed with PDF file this time. Millennials won’t be fooled again.

 

Was a 42 years old fan. After watching what ESPN has descended to, propping up fake news intellectuals like fake news Fro. Or watching CNN disgrace itself by becoming lead leak, liar and chief. Your opinions on what’s best means less than Michael Rapaport.

KP’s brothers, were difficult to deal with. I’m sure CNN was offering them job offers as White House Correspondents, left and right.

I’m going to donate my son’s KP jersey to Good Will. Illegal Aliens won’t know the difference.

Fake News friends from High School still think they’re smarter than Trump for predicting Hillary Hammer Time Cankles would win. KP is gone. Louie is sticking to his out of control jerk off material around here. Time to abort my family of 5 down south now.

From a Gen X perspective, KP was Adonis Creed, our own trans Amazon woman on the moon. Who identified himself as the Alpha Uni among the sly, self-stylized, gunner slasher new order. Now, we’re left with Anime porn on Tumbler for money shot creation.

Trading KP for cap space is a joke. It’s like Ari Gold replacing Vincent on Aqua Man with Chad Lowe because he has to pay for all of Turtle’s broken glass bongs, using Fuji water only, in their own stretched trailer on the Warner lot out of pocket.

How did the become Coach Fizdale’s team? What are his major turnaround success stories under his belt again? Getting out of Lebron’s way after plowing through Eric Spoelstra on the sidelines in Miami doesn’t count.

 

KP made it clear he didn’t want to stay. That doesn’t take the sting out getting nothing for him in return. The Knicks had leverage, why bother reporting about using him as trade bait for unibrow at all? God forbid Stephen A pine for what could’ve have been.

Today I feel ridiculous like a 42 year old Calogero from Bronx Tale in my hoody. After Sonny tells him Micky Mantle doesn’t pay his dads rent. So why care about Mick’s latest stat line in the NY Post? Can’t regain my loving feeling, it’s going, going, gone.

I don’t know what’s more infuriating, some hack writer from Deadspin writing about New Yorker’s delusions of grandeur or Marc Cuban robbing us of our Latvian odyssey in the making, at the 1st ice roadblock bath ahead.

This is Stephen A. Smith off the record on the KP trade: It doesn’t take much to be a Latvian legend. At least Melo won a National Championship at Syracuse. What did hello Uni ever win? Besides white nationalists hearts, cloaked in Armani ties at the Garden.

Daughter

You love the Knicks more than me.

Dad

They were my 1st love, an arranged marriage my dad forced on me. Now, I’ll never have a ring to show for it. In this towering ice world of commerce and street ball courts, KP was our last hope.

Worst part about trading KP is lack of faith in Uni flying high again. Fizdale still thinks Black Lives Matter is a great idea, so how smart can he be? Belittling European bigs has become his claim to fame. My age of innocence is 100% dead.

I can’t believe the Knicks traded KP for anyone but Anthony Davis. I’m seriously considering divorcing my wife to get a talk radio job in Dallas because KP is what remained of my love for the and it’s really hard to let Uni fly away.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth