The Repulsive Marriage Model

Kids won’t be running to the altar if they see their parents fight all the time, like they’re constantly rehearsing for Summer Slam on Pay Per View at Miami International Airport. The problem is my wife views herself as Miss Elizabeth whose above reproach, and I’m the hot head speed freak like Macho Man because I’m on Adderall again to focus less on how annoying my wife can be whenever she accuses me of being the controlling one, who prevents her from working out on the Peloton. Am I preventing her from waking up early to squeeze in a ride for a change? No, all I do is bite my tongue regretting the day I ever fell in love with a woman who has to buy Kardashian Jeans, despite not being on top of the Porcupine Persian Puss Chain. I need to come up with a stronger finishing move to end our fights because giving my wife a pile driver into The Handmaid’s Tale coffee table book to get her mouth wired shut after I insist on us squashing it prior, isn’t getting the job done, holla, thank every much.

I just saw a shot of Kim Kardashian studying for the bar exam in a bikini on Instagram, so she can practice social justice law in LA to make squatting rights, outside her compound in Valencia go viral. Social Justice Lawyers are so hot right now. I bet a new variant of COVID will descend upon America by the time she passes the bar in 2022. By then all our jails will emptied to protect MS13 rapists from catching an itchy Esophagus after he tears off the top of a Goya can to give himself a Tear tattoo on the tip of his dick. So what difference does it make? Holla, thank you very much.

It’s hard to remain attracted to your wife when she’s constantly blaming you for never putting her cloths away. Her argument is, “You’re always in the room working on new books and jokes or talking shit about my mother again. So I never have time to put them away.” But she can find 3 hours to dye her hair partially pink before work to work in Labor and Delivery at the hospital to secure her Punk Rock Girl, Indie cred on Instagram soon after, after squeezing in some more elaborate dance routines on Tik Tok again? How is labor and delivery at her hospital so busy again? I thought woman in New York were having less kids these days because overweight, hobbit hipsters were pulling out prematurely from excessive meat sweats. At the same time Lena Dunham encouraging her millions of followers to rock the arm flapper look while resembling the hunchback of Bushwick during Restaurant Week isn’t helping, holla, thank you very much.

My youngest one Samuel, billed as Hardcore Hunga in the WWE Squirts League, has the right idea at 4 already, admitting to me last night, “Daddy, “Playing with my pee-pee tunnel is my favorite thing to do.” I say, “Then, you’ll have no problem staying married then.” Holla, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth