New England Goat vs. The LA Mope

Me

I want meat.
Wife

But we’re making Cauliflower Wings.

Me

Then, why don’t I feel like you’re my hunger pang, guardian angel plucked down from Heaven?

Ask my daughter what she thinks of Adam Levine’s voice on the song Gotten on Slash’s debut album. She says. He sounds like he stole Michael Jackson’s voice.

7 Tear Old Daughter

Gisele, I don’t get the hype. She’s 80 in model years.

5 Year Old Son

And I’m better looking than Tom Brady.

Int. Diner With my 3 kids.

Cashier You’ve got your hands full.

Me

If my wife agreed to an open marriage with Katy Perry. My hands would be full.

Wife thinks our baby Samuel gets bored from too much time with her against his own free will. Always knew he was a quick learner.

Does Yuck Face Zuck Mark Zuckerberg, AKA, good will hoodie, automatically root for the Rams? Knowing, he hates to concede genius bragging rights to the more decorated, Alpha hoodie of the pack.

Old School Football Joke: How can you be a sports fan if you don’t play fantasy football? How you can really be in the girls? When you spent Saturday night, calculating the black to grey ratio on Brett Favre’s ball sack.

Unknown fact about President Trump. After Pats owner Bob Kraft’s wife of 40 years died. Trump called his friend once a week for a whole year to see how he was doing. My wife won’t even bookmark my blog.

 

Coaching Lebron James is a more thankless task than trimming his goat herder beard. Cedric the Entertainer wouldn’t be able to contain himself. Are you the black Moses now Goat?
“But Beasley’s opinions on Luke Walton’s coaching style matters.”
“Did God pick you to liberate Unibrow from his guaranteed 150 million contract?”

“Moses authored the Bible & you can’t string 5 words together coherently King.”
“Yeah, God isn’t parting waters for you to get Anthony Davis self-anointed great one.”
When the Lakers blow a half time lead against Golden State. Does Obama seek comfort in his secret stash of Almond Joy’s? Hidden behind Michelle’s box of Duct Tape from Costco.

INT. DINER

Me

I’ll have the Chevy Nova Lox Omelette and a side of Hollandaise sauce because your menu gives it your endorsement. I love to prove how my elitist people, New York Jews, don’t know everything after all.

Waitress laughs long time.

Find out what celebrities are rooting for whom Twitter? I think Chelsea Handler’s Twitter feed speaks for the vocal majority in Rape Wood. But she’s a full time social justice warrior now. To detract from her tits sagging popularity.

New Rule:
You’re banned from wearing a Rams jersey today if you never saw Chrissy Everett try to slam Jim Rome into the ground like he was channeling tough guy Jack Youngblood.

Ddamukong Suh is friends with Warren Buffet. President Trump is friends with Dana White. Who would you rather have a diet coke with? Suh bet on himself for a 1 year deal. Suh got 60 mill guaranteed with Miami.

Pink reportedly turned down offer to perform at the Superbowl because she didn’t want to follow Lady Gaga.

Rihanna reportedly turned down an offer to perform at the Super Bowl despite black people in America having 99 problems and Trump being none.

 

Me
Matilda, Whitney Houston could’ve been Gladys Night if she didn’t become a Crack Head. Sounds like someone eclipsed the greatest voice of all tonight, channeling some pure, drug free Whitney of old.

Roger Goodell’s photo op with the King family felt more forced than the utterance of social justice issues. Or my daughter trying to make the Super Bowl interesting with new team logos. Rams, a flaming rainbow, leave me alone already.

Is Wade Phillips on the Keto diet.? He looks fantastic. Cauliflower wings are delicious. You don’t you know what you’re missing America.

Brady looks annoyed at him having to will the Patriots to victory again with no margin for error. Dare I say, heading to halftime he looked prematurely deflated.

Adam Levine is the Jewish Justin Timberlake minus the recognizable, body moving hits. Pay homage to Georgia greats, do an Otis Redding cover, anything by the Allman Brothers and nothing off your records.

Of course the only NFL game I watch all year is slower than Squid and the Whale.

It bothers me knowing the GOAT never blows away team in the Super Bowl. I know he never had Rice or Lynn Swan to race down Touchdowns but Terry Bradshaw didn’t win 4 rings off short dump off plays either.

He’s the GOAT for a reason. Congrats to Brady, the Hoody and Gronk for showing the world the true definition of clutch again and again. I love how Bob Kraft embraces Brady like his own son.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

Defending My Jewishness on Christmas

Lebron James is less likable than John Oliver on the rag, 4th of July Weekend. After too much Sangria.

Triggering my younger brother who insists on saying Happy Holidays.
Trump’s a Nazi. Ivanka keeps kosher like Lebron’s ex money manager handler. In every Spike Lee film every made. Merry Christmas.

Why does nobody want to join Lebron in LA? Because he’s a fake news deep narcissist/black supremacist. You know like Obama with talent. Look, I’m a rich bitch, oppressed beneficiary of a private Catholic High School scholarship in Akron, Ohio.

At this point, I think it’s safe to say Kevin Spacey bought the Old Vic in London Town to do more than lunge at actors in tights backstage.

Feminism gone crazy.
Wife says. It isn’t fair how our kids schools make our kids think Santa get’s them all their nice gifts, not me. No offense babe but Michelle Obama doesn’t make a convincing Santa either.

Wishful Thinking Act Out
Rosa, you’re making my Jew blood kids wait to decorate your tree?
Without my people, Jesus included, you don’t have a Christmas Tree celebration symbol to decorate, no offense. Joan lives.

Whenever Obama’s mentioned during the holidays in a glowing light. It’s always something superficial related. Lacking no meaty substance like his Almond smoothie diet resolution. Which Michelle strong armed him into again.

You haven’t seen Black Panther yet? I don’t think all the gushing reviews on Rotten Tomatoes are kosher. I don’t follow Lebron James on Twitter and my Jew money never bought the hype.

I don’t get it. You haven’t seen Black Panther yet? I’m still working on learning the backstory behind the creation of black Green Lantern. I’m assuming his ring used to be a Super Bowl 1.

 

My father in law saying he’s going to pump up the same deflated basketball in his driveway every Christmas. Is like Hillary deflating Democrats left saying she’ll run again if you believed she’d win again.

I’ve grown to love saying Merry Christmas. It’s a very liberating, forgiving feeling to wish happiness for Gentiles who wouldn’t let you in their country club if they could afford the membership fees.

INT. IN-LAW’S-DELAWARE
Loser Brother In Law
Someone’s going to the big house soon.
Me
Biden’s a child molester, big house talking.

The Mule is awesome. Michael Savage is lame for downplaying the majestic, weathered awesomeness of Clint in it. Granted, it’s no Gran Torino but what is? Clint ensured a single word wasn’t changed in that script.

I don’t understand how resistors live with themselves clinging on to baseless claims of impeachment which have less legs than Lieutenant Dan. Last, sour puss Huma Licker defenders start talking shit with no previous provocation every single time.

Brother In Law
My sister’s more Jewish than you.
Me
Like your father would ever pay 10 large for a nose job.
He’s still sporting the same Tommy Bahama shirts from 86.

INT. IN-LAW’S HOUSE
Mother In Law
No more bouncing on the mattress.
Me
It’s only a wellspring of endless joy for your grandchildren. Who you’re too fat to play with because you have a chair for the shower. Drop five tons and you can regain a bounce in place of your hippo troll waddle. Banning Lollipops next?

Int. Bar
Eagles Fan
Do I know you? Because you’re staring at me.
Me
(V.O)
I really wish I was Beanie Sigel in this instance.
Hard knocks will have to wait till I take up MMA eventually.

Wife
What if Trump get’s impeached?
Me
Then the Deep State, you know Swamp Thing wins.
But not if JFK Junior has anything to do with it.

INT. WINE SHOP TASTING BAR
FEMALE PATRON
I just want to stay to see what he has to say next.
ME
This Sauvignon Blanc is very poundable like Elizabeth Hurly always.

EVERYONE HOWLS.

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

More Jokes Coming Out of Me

Me feeding into my kids white privilege.
The goat cheese, broccoli omelet was too tangy. I agree.
What does too tangy mean Dada? Too sour puss glum like the oppressed Heidi Cruz.

Lebron held a dunk contest at Staples last night? Does this make Lebron the King of Paper Dunk Champions now?

According to Stephen Hawking, there are forms of intelligent life out there. Take Kayne West for example.

Before Stephen Hawking died. He also said, “God never existed.” Hawking added. Watching Bill Maher’s doc Religulous is more anti-climatic for me than the Special Olympics. I prefer Ingmar Bergman films instead.

Married podcast couples exist now. As a form of Couples Therapy. These men aren’t forced to talk and hang out with their wives against their wills enough already, again and again?

Podcasting with my Daughter
What do you think of married couples podcasting together Dada?
I think mommy and Dad talk enough as it is.

I want to retire from podcasting now. Knowing married podcasting couples are getting thousands of more downloads than my Do It All Dad Year Podcast already. Why don’t you kiss me anymore? You couldn’t get into it on E too much either babe.

I really want to retire from podcasting. Knowing married podcasting couples are getting thousands of more downloads than my Do It All Dad Year Podcast. They discuss neighborhood gossip? So they get out of the house on date nights? I hate them all already.

Does a corporate mandate from Robison Oil exist? Insisting each Oil Technician claim every Boiler “is different?” Most companies in corporate America keep HR managers hidden in Boiler Rooms. Still chained to Baby Ruth machines, correct?

Me on the phone with Robison Oil. My report says a “burner coupling broke?” Like when Chris Martin from Coldplay turned cold on Gwyneth Paltrow’s Kama Sutra moves after too many Kimchi taco Tuesdays became a family tradition.

INT. Garage
Robison Oil Technician
Your Gauge Glass on your Boiler is rotted from too much leakage.
You see?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
It looks like Freddie Krueger got the runs on it. Didn’t Jason end Freddie’s fist fucking reign of tear already?  I feel like Tom Green after Freddie Got Fingered fist fucked over his career.

Robison Oil Tech laughs long time.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth