Bank on Bette Getting Dem Ol’ Blues

Joe Biden calling the Democratic Party a unifying force is like calling the Clinton Foundation a charity for others. And Julia Louis Dreyfus could’ve been Joan Rivers if she stuck to Stand Up. Let’s just accuse President Trump of being a non discriminatory horn dog like Bill, whose allergic to high end trim. Next, still your President Trump through 2024, will give the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Bette Midler for her contribution to making Drag Queen Reading Hour great again, inspiring Drag Queens to show their faces in public during broad daylight, under unforgiving fluorescent library lights knowing, they don’t look as flattering without wearing such heavy makeup. If President Trump is feeling more than generous than usual, he’ll even invite the Chipmunk Chucker from Golden State and the rest his family to the White House for his post inauguration winning ball, after he wins the popular vote and the electoral this time to prove that Ray Allen light in the clutch department to, should’ve left his fake news persecuted existence, being a son of NBA royalty back in San Francisco, where Janis got out when the getting was good, so cry, cry baby.

Michael Kornbluth

Bank On Bette Getting Dem Ol’ Blues

Joe Biden calling the Democratic Party a unifying force is like calling the Clinton Foundation a charity for others. And Julia Louis Dreyfus could’ve been Joan Rivers if she stuck to Stand Up. While were at it, let’s accuse President Trump of being a non discriminatory horn dog like Bill, whose allergic to high end trim. Next, still your President Trump through 2024, will give the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Bette Midler for her contribution to making Drag Queen Reading Hour great again, inspiring Drag Queens to show their faces in public during broad daylight under incredibly unforgiving fluorescent library lights, knowing, they don’t look as flattering without wearing such heavy makeup. If President Trump feels more generous than usual, he’ll invite the Chipmunk Chucker from Golden State and the rest his family to the White House for his post inauguration winning ball, after he wins the popular vote and the electoral this time, to prove that Ray Allen light, in the clutch department to, should’ve left his fake news persecuted existence, being a son of NBA royalty back in San Francisco, where Janis got out when the getting was good. So cry, cry baby.

Michael Kornbluth

Best Friend Israel Never Had

When you broker a peace treaty between Israel and the United Arab of Emirates, dismantle the nuke timeout deal with Iran and move our embassy to Jerusalem, it makes President Trump more of a Hebrew Nationalist. But black Hebrews can’t be anti-Jew because they’re the real chosen people according to Nick Cannon. Plus, in Nick Cannon’s defense, he isn’t another self-hating Jew hire to manage the post woke editorial board for the New York Times.

Michael Kornbluth

 

Boomer Grandparents Chilling The Most

If grandparents on both sides, average a whopping 1 week a year with their grandchildren during the summertime, 3 grandchildren later, with no stated planned plans to spend whole weeks with them in the future otherwise, like planning cruises with them when they can afford it. Then, it’s safe to say they’re not suffering from separation anxiety. My mother in law’s forced, dumb, dumb sounding, sprinkling of Ukrainian isn’t putting her grandchildren at ease away from her parents either.

Michael Kornbluth

Educating 1st Graders On Dreidel

Anti-Semitism is so hot right now. So, I tell my son, “Arthur,  if you play a Dreidel game with your friends at school before winter break and it lands on Gimmel, put your non-Jewish friends at ease and explain, “Gimmel means, give me all your money because we own all the banks in the North Pole to.”

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

What GenX Dads Understand

My 90-year-old great Aunt Marion asks me, “Why does your daughter need to know Kung Fu?” I say, “Because if Uma Thurman knew how to execute the 5 point palm heart exploding punch in real life, Ethan Hawke would’nt have dared to bang their nanny at home, when she was busy filming Kill Bill 2. Also, banging your nanny is such a GenX slacker move. You never have to leave the couch.

Michael Kornbluth

The Oliver Twat Twist

Jon Stewart minus charisma, a handsome mug or any parcel of distinguished grey, otherwise known as bean breath Oliver on Last Week Tonight, insists the 2 month old riots in Portland have been”mostly peaceful”, where law officers are being blinded by lasers and ducking Molotov Cocktails while protecting the People’s Court of Portland from turning into Burning Man meets ANTIFA on Crystal Meth. Doesn’t Oliver Twat, realize America as a whole, will never respect his moral authority or comedic commentary again one bit, outside of LA, Manhattan and Westchester County, for insisting on demonizing Trump over the cackling witch of the east and her Lolita express riding hubby, because America as a whole doesn’t embrace cold-hearted, unhuggable cunts, unless they rock cute sweaters and tell edgless jokes on day time TV for a living. But Ellen is an evolved, non-divisive comedian, who befriended W, because she’s pro bush, all the way, despite him being responsible for pressuring Collin Powell to sell any shell of integrity he once possessed in the search of fake news weapons of mass destruction, remember? But what does Ellen do with her friend W exactly? Invite Michelle Obama to her house whenever W is in town to play games like Operation Pre-Op Edition. Then what, W paints a nude of an angry black woman hacking off Porta De Rossi’s white privileged clit, so Michelle can feel proud of her country again?

Michael Kornbluth