Converting Kansas City Christians
Joshua resented his mother-in-law imposing grace in their Jewish house. He resented, finding out from his children about his mother-in-law forcing them to do Eucharist, which is Ukrainian communion for those ill-informed non practicing, organized religion spurning, culturally identifiable Jews at home. Whose extent of original, probing, critical thought is re tweeting whatever Sarah Silverman farts up after her weed brownies kick in. He resented learning that how his father-in-law didn’t care for the movie Inglorious Bastards because who doesn’t love hilarious, revisionist, Nazi revenge tales, unless you’re a Nazi apologist at heart. Who excuses their systematic execution of 6 million plus Jews, because the Germans are prideful people and only Nordic warriors of descent get to profit off war, no money grubbing Jews in positions of power of the overrated, much heralded Weimer Republic, not that the Vikings lost many major world wars, which was a smaller world back then, but still you get the gist. Joshua resented being forced to defend his Jewishness on Christmas, after his brother-in-law insisted, his sister was more Jewish than he was despite her playing dumb to the 2 thousand year old claim of Jews being the ones responsible for egging on the wavering romans ruler at the time Anton Pilate to crucify Jesus, because he was the neurotic, due processing following Jew, who was more indecisive than Jared Kushner with only one allotted small plate to fill at the salad bar at the Bellagio. Joshua resented his mother-in-law’s supposed enlightened, English artist friend, telling Joshua to his face, he wasn’t Jewish, despite her having zero knowledge of his southern raised mother from Kentucky converting to Judaism before he was born after his dad, pounded her into submission with his holy driving, Hebrew Hammer. Ronnie James Dio lives.
Joshua got it, America was a Christian country outside of New York City, some parts of Florida, LA and Beverly Hills. Now, Joshua had no problem with this unless those Christians tried to define his own Jewish identify for him out of sheer overt spite for being a descendant of those darn Jewish Christ killers, despite no Jew actually being responsible for nailing Jesus to the cross itself because the chosen people tend to avoid tool boxes like Lepers, nor were most handy enough with a hammer and a nail to hang up a Bar Mitzvah photo of their kids, let alone dexterous or in some cases even strong enough to hammer a nail through human bone and flesh with any semblance of follow through precision. Granted, Jesus was a carpenter, but I don’t recall him hosting his own traveling home improvement show, being heralded in the any of the 4 Gospels as the Bob Villa of Nazareth. Understand, Joshua in no way ever wanted to trivialize the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, the original super Jew in his book. Who saw the entire Kosher dietary laws, as not too kosher, for Mario Batali if he wanted to open up an Italian food empire one day, before he’d sniff his sous chef’s red, wavy hair in his Lupa kitchen one too many times because the waft of fennel specked, porchetta rising off her Red Sonia, flowy hair was too hot to resist. Joshua was an unplanned of father of 3, always preaching on his podcast, God gives kids to only the lonely and was excessively grateful for the best three, non-passive aggressive comedy buds he never had. So, Joshua wasn’t some joyless atheist, blah breath, like others who claimed they only watched CNN now for finance news. Yeah, and Joshua only watched Real Time with Bill Maher for his bible study group. No, what Joshua had a major issue with was the Christian missionary types who jammed their Christ is your only savior or else you’re screwed to a lifetime of eternal hell spiel down your throat, which couldn’tbe much worse than constantly being told my his in-laws and brother-in-law and their Christian friends, how he wasn’t Jewish enough and was some sort of imposter in their eyes, because he was a too tall Jew, a very handsome one at that, who they’d like to claim on their side, because of his chosen curls, biting wit, stirring orating skills and vastly superior genes to his peanut butter allergic, stumpy brother in law, who could easily pass for a wannabe brewer hipster hobbit instead. Yes, Joshua loved the Jesus spark of divinity, if Christians didn’t make it a personal crusade to sell the Jews on why Jews should be for Jesus, knowing sales is more a Jewish thing anyway. Also, anyone who puts Mel Gibson on a pedestal, who tries to white wash the 2000 year old trope he perpetuates in the Passion about the darn heckling Jewish ancestors of Don Rickles being the ones who had the son of God’s blood on their hands because they can’t keep their mouth shut on top of their crafty insults and alien powered forms of mind control being the deciding factor in whether the Roman King Anton Pilate decided to crucify Jesus Christ because crowd sourcing like so many so called thought leaders on LinkedIn today, screamed Roman colonization rule without a doubt.
So naturally, Joshua was tad on edge at the American Royal Barbeque championship in Kansas City. Because according to Joshua’s estimates, Kansas City knows 1 fake news Jew, ex Chiefs coach Marty Schottenheimer, that’s it. Now, the award winners were to be announced for best smoked brisket as Joshua, his plant-based cheese wiz, Schmendel partner and older butcher brother smoker Jerimiah, rubbed the Star of David around each of their necks for some last-minute good luck. The main judge wearing a white brimmed cowboy hat, sporting some kick ass looking black cowboy boots, with bedazzled gemstones on it, looking like a huskier Tiger King, grabs the mike and makes his announcement. “And the gold medal winner for best smoked brisket for the American Royal Barbeque Championship, as if they don’t horde enough of the world’s gold reserves already, Jerimiah the Kosher Butcher, Schmendel the planted based cheese wiz king of Williamsburg and founding father of the Do It All Dad Hero food truck, Joshua Kornbluth. Come on up and collect your trophy and tell us what dumb hicks we are for insisting on reforming and replacing the Old Testament’s dumb Jew dietary laws to suit our more manly live off the land, a country boy can survive standards.” And make your speech quick, before you turn our barbeque championship into a Warsaw Ghetto uprising. “
Joshua collects the trophy for his Jewish brothers in arms and gives a quick speech, wanting to get out of Kansas City in his brand-new Comedy Gold Mobile in one piece. Joshua says, “First I want to thank the all mighty God for commanding your chosen people to follow Deuteronomy and follow Kosher law, so I could incorporate some much needed self-discipline in my life, becoming a less all over the place Jew in the process. Growing up in NY I always loved cheese steaks, and I wanted to replicate that joy since God became a permanent fixture in my heart after becoming an unplanned father of the 3 to the most amazing, joy spewing, beautifying, celestial beams of pure good blasting lights imaginable. So, I’d like to also thank my 3 kids, Matilda, Arthur and Samuel for bringing you into my life Lord and for granting me the continued blessing of getting closer to you every day through loving, nurturing and celebrating them every day, yeah, yeah. Last, I want to thank my new Jewish brothers from another mother Schmendel my plant-based cheese wiz genius and his older master Kosher butcher brisket smoker extraordinaire Jerimiah the great. We wouldn’t have won this gold trophy if God didn’t help us join forces together. Now, I know Kosher meat is a foreign strange substance to you Kansas City Christians, who haven’t dared to sample our delectable, 1st place trophy winning smoke Barbeque. One our secret ingredients is Kansas City pop if you need to know, which gives the edges of the brisket it’s crispy, super sweet pop. We got 25 pounds left, it’s on the house. The more Kansas City Christians we can convert to the Kosher side the better. So not only did I just offer one of our secret, gold medal winnings ingredients, I offered you God loving Kansas City Christians, free, incredibly more pricy cuts of Kosher meat, to counteract the age old perception of us being nothing more than Alien colonized, predatory, devil spawn, who exist to exploit the easily duped, brainless, southern gentile farmer for all he’s worth. Now, who’s with me Kansas City? For the record I think Brett Saberhagen should’ve been voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame already, especially over ex Yankee, Mike meh Mussina.” Joshua gets a standing ovation for the 2nd time in one week, converting the Kansas City Christians over to the Kosher side, as he takes a final bow for posterity sake.