Tag: LinkedIn

Great Friday

by doitalldadyear, posted in business, technology, writing

Being enslaved by hacks was a source of great shame for me. 

But after getting fired for taking off Good Friday for mental health reasons. 

I’m finally, free to be me. 

Headhunter Writer Liberated, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Headhunter Writer fired sounds too victimized, Me-Too-Ish for my tastes.

Headhunter Writer firing highlights; now were cooking.

After getting fired I boast, “I wrote The Great American Jew Novel.”

Controller says, “Good for you.”

I say, “It’s great for my ego actually.” Has this putz breath even offered his CPA services to the head of BLM charged with tax evasion on a pro-bono basis? Since she charged Turbo Tax with being culturally biased software?

Headhunter Writer Liberated, Challah.

Thank you very much.

So, I got fired and told it wasn’t working out by the Controller.

I’m removing belongings from my former desk.

I held up a coffee mug with an artful design that my 9-year-old son did in front of our Controller and pronounced loud and proud, “You see this design on this mug that my son did; this is what talent looks like. Naturally, because my son Art Show USA stems from my Do It All Dad Year Tree Trunk. 

Headhunter Writer liberated, Challah. 

Thank you very much. 

Why was I fired after filling high-end engineering roles left and right?

First, the dumpy dour woman in accounting can’t stand my light in the face of her blah-breathed plight.

I’m also louder than a Headlining God one hundred forty comedy records later.

That’s why I triggered a Headhunter Writer Guru on a Zoom call for daring to break up his hick-hued plowish slog.

It’s not my fault that this Headhunter Writer guru is next-level sketchy.

I got removed from a Zoom call from this Headhunter Writer hick guru who teaches how to lasso talent by lying about having prior meetings about a specific candidate.

Yeah, I’ve been doing IT headhunting recruiting on and off since Y2K, pre-LinkedIn. Not once has one seasoned IT recruiter leader who runs a full desk ever had a team meeting about pitching a particular candidate. Most staffing agencies need to be more organized, sophisticated, and team-oriented or care enough to be mainlining Adderall to pull off that feat of targeted precision.

If anyone is having an involved meeting about a candidate, it’s Hillary and the team at the DNC deciding how to screw Bernie out of the nomination again. 

Headhunter Writer Liberated, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Thanks for making me a Passover Sacrifice, Lord. 

I’m free from an office life plagued by spoiled hags, dumpy dour bores, morose maligned mopes, and edgeless, chameleon brown-noses for hire.

Today, we launch Stand Up Staffer, a one-man Headhunter Writer show and give this remote working staffing revolution one last fighter’s go.

Headhunter Writer liberated Challah; thank you very much. 

I’ve been recruiting top engineering talent since Y2K. 

So, you know I wasn’t born with a vape pen in my mouth yesterday. 

Servicing boring is equal to being enslaved by hacks. 

Headhunter Writer liberated Challah.

Thank you very much.

Your Favorite Headhunter Writer,

Joshua Kornbluth 

Headhunter Writer Knows  

by doitalldadyear, posted in poetry, technology, writing

Headhunter Writer knows Frank Zappa would rather play Byrd’s cover songs than engage in comment section banter any longer than I have already on LinkedIn.

Headhunter Writer knows your job ads suck without me writing them for you.

Headhunter Writer knows top LinkedIn Voices are allowed to use the word suck on LinkedIn, which prevents them from being utterly edgeless in Marc Cuban’s eyes.

Headhunter Writer knows Miles Davis would rather face a firing squad than be caught dead in the comment section on LinkedIn.

Headhunter Writer knows that excellent sales writing showcases a special touch.

That became highly developed through obsessive pitch practice while blowing off the Knicks for three seasons in a row while not sweating the prospect of missing all that much.

Headhunter Writer knows desperation is the kiss of death.

So he’ll pull the takeaway on the candidate if they start acting bitchy, entitled, and unappreciative like the rock star girlfriend in the Kiss song Beth.

Headhunter Writer knows heads of application development get triggered with feelings of instantaneous inferiority after hearing me leave a VM about a Full Stack Engineer I’m representing who played Carnegie Hall as a classically trained violinist.

I say, “Miles Davis, Frank Zappa, and Lenny Bruce share what in common? They all played Carnegie Hall. So did your next software engineer hire, let’s call him, Developer Prodigy, who played Carnegie Hall? What have you done with your life? 

Headhunter Writer knows that voicemail was longwinded by Frank Zappa’s crowd work standards. 

Headhunter Writer knows that if you want to out hipster Williamsburg, you name your next kid, not Bowie or Hudson but Zappa Zevon Kornbluth or Joan Of Arc Kornbluth if it’s a girl or Edward Snowden Kornbluth if I want the FBI to charge me with the Espionage Act by aiding and encouraging the hacker hero enemy. 

Headhunter Writer knows sales trainers who get paid to conduct sales seminars about push versus pull selling methods are straining for weighty thinker respectability. 

Headhunter Writer knows sales jobs only work if you’re doing it to achieve accumulation goals like a power blue Canali suit you just set your sights on at Nordstrom, which inspires the new age expression, greedy for pretty is good. Gordon Gecko, with a gender-fluid twist, lives Challah. Thank you very much. 

Headhunter Writer knows U2 is Irish cheesy. Van Morrison isn’t, House of Pain wasn’t, and Dennis Leary never was. 

Headhunter Writer knows Charles Bukowski would think Sales Trainers through Zoom make the Post Office seem like an attractive alternative.

Headhunter Writer knows he’s louder than Busta Rhymes at a midnight showing of Higher Learning. 

Headhunter Writer knows that anyone who uses the word crushing is blah breath lame. 

Headhunter Writer knows that HR or Talent Acquisition Managers don’t have a writer’s ego. That’s why their job descriptions blow. 

Headhunter Writer knows that he gets paid by being more aggressively houndish than the rest. 

Headhunter Writer knows it’s best to block out the sound of a dumpy accountant who gets her panties in a bunch whenever a giant dick in the office flexes his chest. 

Headhunter Writer knows a deal from the sound of a candidate over the phone. 

Either they care about impressing you, or their opportunity has flown.  

Headhunter Writer knows posts on LinkedIn about Personal growth are Fortune Cookie light. 

Headhunter Writer knows you either commit to improving or regress into an ineffectual, interchangeable player. 

Headhunter Writer knows that candidates respect creative expression. 

Or else they’re not getting back with exultations such as, “That’s the best job description ever written.” 

Headhunter Writers knows that his 9-year son already knows JavaScript. 

So don’t expect him to feel inferior in your presence ever again. 

Take a hike to a safe space retreat Zen. 

Headhunter Writer knows different sometimes sells. 

Does Developer Prodigy Who Played Carnegie Hall still ring a bell? 

Headhunter Writer knows he’s wasting his breath. 

Because waiving his freak flag on LinkedIn equals sporting a suicide bomber vest. 

Headhunter Writer knows that writing a killer job ad pitch is one part of the job. 

The rest is getting the right candidate to read it, which helps root out those touchy-feely, fake news high-brow snobs. 

Headhunter Writer knows a recession is here but also knows most companies are trimming the fat during his year without beer. 

Headhunter Writer knows that Michael Burns is the greatest recruiter who ever lived. 

He could sell 100 Grand Bars to a person with diabetes with only two weeks to live. 

Headhunter Writer knows cold calling, not writing, has made him the killer attack beast he is today. But in the end, what you sell gets the final say. 

Headhunter Writer knows that his personality-loaded prose never tires.

Headhunter Writer knows his hooky prose and killer attack instinct will lure your next great hire. 

Your Favorite Headhunter Writer, 

Joshua Kornbluth 

Avant-Garde Good

by doitalldadyear, posted in business, technology, writing

As a Headhunter Writer, it’s rare to desire a potential friendship with a candidate. My attitude is different this time because he’s a performance artist, a classically trained violinist turned Software Engineer who played at Carnegie Hall. So, I consider him a kindred spirit. Granted, I’ve only done 5 minutes of standup comedy at the Comedy Cellar, in comparison.

All obsessive, aspiring artists are treated like delusional hack breaths at one point in their life. Or been forced to endure passive-aggressive wails of, “It’s important to have a form of creative expression,” or similar lines of disparagement in their presence, such as the dreaded word “Hobby,” used to describe your life’s work that provides the greatest source of pride in your life. So yes, I’m going to take personal offense if somebody minimizes this kid’s artistic heft and heart-enriching wonderment on the Violin as a mere “hobby” after he sets the stage ablaze at Carnegie Hall, the way Lenny Bruce tore the house down during his historic show one blistering cold winter tonight on February 3, 1961, immortalized on wax forever.

That is before the omnipotent federal government decided to bankrupt Lenny into silence and deny him a living for pointing out shaky moral high grounds at large. Where have you gone, Lenny Bruce? That is what’s weighing on my mind today. Did you know Lincoln jailed journalists who spoke out against his war to crush state rights permanently? He confiscated firearms and property and jailed anyone that disagreed with his rule of tyranny. England had ended slavery peacefully too. I’m so red-hot pissed today; I want to get a Confederate flag tattoo and say, “Fuck you, Dad, I don’t want to be buried in a Jewish cemetery anymore. I’m a Jew for Jesus now. Because even Jesus would have a hard time forgiving the unnecessary slaughter of 600,000 plus Americans, more than all our major wars combined, just so Yankee Bankers could impose their military-industrial complex on anybody whenever they wanted in addition to printing money at will, they even taught secession to West Point cadets back in the day.

So much for this post being LinkedIn-ready appropriate anymore. Time for an impersonation; this is an impression of Dr. Dre discussing the LinkedIn merger with Eminem. “Hey Slim, Microsoft paid 4.5 billion for LinkedIn. Worrrrrrddddd. LinkedIn is lamer than ever, you.”

Oh yeah, and Lincoln didn’t end slavery. Confederate Generals like Stonewall Jackson taught reading and writing to the enslaved Black people during Sunday School, and Robert E Lee possessed a higher opinion of African American capacity for betterment than elitist banker licking Abe ever did.

Now, my candidate has been working as a Software Engineer for a major media company at odds with Dominion allegedly, who boasts an A Plus rating on GitHub, which is a portfolio site of code judged by fellow nerds. Think Reddit plus 1000 IQ points minus the creepy broken English undertow vibe.

Understand, this kid is a Julliard grad, like freaking Robin Williams. Miles Davis is by far the most famous Julliard grad of all time, who decided to trail Bird everywhere, that being Charlie Parker, and learn under his tutelage rather than learn Jazz from a professor who grew up in the snuggle soft confines of Scarsdale, NY. Granted, Miles Davis came from money; his father was a big-time dentist in St. Louis who owned his practice, but still. You have to admire Mile’s commitment to artistic integrity, willingness to take experimental chances with his art, and wanting to learn from a one-person wind farm in Bird, who blew all his peers off the stage in a tsunami of soul-splintering sound around midnight when his blowpipes just stared to get warmed up. Avant-Garde Good, Challah. Thank you very much.

I’ve met this candidate only once, but after watching this kid play his heart out on the Violin on the Carnegie Hall stage through YouTube, I became an instantaneous fan of his for life. This kid vibrates earth-shaking talent up the wazoo. Suddenly, I had a new mission in my life. Take a time out with my art of comedy record creation and get this kid a new work family that cares about celebrated working artists as much as I do. This kid played freaking Carnegie Hall; he’s got a master’s in musical performing arts and is a Juilliard grad. So, when he started, did he envision banging out code as an alternative backup plan for a living? And Bill Hicks contemplated applying for a marketing associate intern position at Proctor and Gamble if his standup comedy career never materialized into a profitable trade.

My point is I can relate. I wasn’t planning on working as an IT Headhunter Writer after my TV writing break with America’s Hard 100 on VH1 Classic. I should’ve been in the WGA 7 years ago before I wrote The Great American Jew Novel, which Dianne Sullivan from the Midwest Book Review described as a “hilarious exploration of NY Comedy and culture.” In short, I’m a total hack breath; that’s no better than the rest if I can’t convince a hiring manager in NYC to give this kid a shot to prove what he’s got.

So far, my email headline in his honor that I’ve been blasting hiring managers with throughout NYC through email addresses listed on Zoom Info has netted goonish, meaning 0.0 replies. That headliner hooker to nowhere being, dramatic drum roll please, “Developer Prodigy Who Played Carnegie Hall.” Are these Engineering Directors for Startup Nation feeling like an ineffectual hackling in his presence already?

Because folks, sometimes people don’t want to hire younger, smarter, faster, more creative, and impressive workers who make them look vastly overpaid and overrated in comparison. So yes, I will proclaim loud and proud on your incoming voicemail, “Joe, Joshua Kornbluth, Human Edge. I’m calling you about a developer prodigy who played at Carnegie Hall. What have you done with your life lately? Did I mention his A Plus rating on GitHub yet? Or that he’s a Juilliard grad yet? Or is he the steal of the century for 140K compared to his blah-breathed, uninspired peers? He’s Avant-Garde Good. #WinnerAtWork. Joshua@HumanEdge.com, Get him while you can.” Janis Joplin lives, Avant-Garde Good, Challah. Thank you very much.


Was that too boastfully long for your tastes? I don’t care. As Jon Bon Jovi sings, “You’ve got to make your breaks,” and it’s a more emotionally charged ride when you’re creating urgent buzz around a star software engineer that I’ll get a better job for because fresher is better, one way or another. Pat Benatar lives, and so does my killer gender-fluid flow. Avant-Garde Good, Challah. Thank you very much.


Michael Kornbluth

Chopping Block Blues

by doitalldadyear, posted in business, culture, technology

Has Obama given any Ramadan shout outs on LinkedIn yet?

Does he have to clear the plug-in front of his in-house Arabian horse whisperer Valerie Jarrett first?

So, Valerie what do you think of the hashtag, “HackingHymensAreUs?

Or is that too extremist for the Muslim Brotherhood’s tastes?

Can I accuse our prophet of culturally appropriating Lent?

But adding the fast during the day thing to root out the Infidel moderate Muslims in our midst?

Do you think Congress would’ve dared to impeach me if they caught Baby Face Omar in Minnesota emailing me for fasting tips on Ramadan in the face of her staffers eating so many wings in front of her during March Madness at YourMamaObama@gmail.com?

For Ramadan do you think Kamala Harris abstains from kicking her kick the can clit around the oval office whenever Hair Plugs Sniffer is around mulling over whether Jill sucks dick for bitcoin on the downlow at Hotel Dupont during the weekends after pooping out at hard 7 again?

What do you think Dave Chappelle does throughout Ramadan Valerie? Abstain from licking R. Kelly’s ass in his latest and greatest comedy special for Netflix? During Ramadan does Dave refrain from calling R. Kelly, the black Elvis with weaker bladder control in his act?

What do you think Trumpy Poo Tits does during Ramadan Valerie? Burn a printed-out version of my fake news social security card from Darian, CT?

Have you heard this impression yet Valerie? This is Corey Booker flirting with Rosario backstage at the Source Awards? Was it you or Chole Sevigny who died of Aids in the movie Kids? Just playing, in the end, that white bitch didn’t feel so privileged after all.

Finally, Valerie interjects.

What does Michelle do during Ramadan Barack? Pal around with Ellen at her compound in Santa Barbara with W over games of Operation, Gender Reassignment Edition? I know Ellen is pro bush, but admitting to being pals with W is a tad weird, don’t you think Barack? I mean I hate Trumpy Poo Tits to for what had our military do to ISIS. After you rebranded them ISIL, so they’d sound more startup friendly in the NY Times. But seriously Barack, what do Ellen, and Michelle do on a Saturday night together, when you’re busy ignoring Jussie Smollett’s texts again? Do they howl with perverse delight, as W paints another watercolor print of Portia De Rossi having her white privilege laden clit being hacked off for Sharia Law Appreciation Month? Have you told Groping Biden; I mean Mr. Groper to make that an official holiday yet? So, put down the crack pipe already Barack? You look more cracked out skinny than Dana Plato after tanning in Aruba.

Barack replies.

Fuck you Valerie.

I can come up with my own Ramadan plug to post on LinkedIn.

I don’t need to clear it with you first, you she camel ape.

Stick to the BLM thing kiddo. hashtag, Thug Lives Matter Most, that sort of thing.

Accuse Turbo Tax of being culturally biased software, which you’re Obama Be Good lickers left in Silicon Valley will lick up.

Assuming, they’ve recouped their losses since the US dollar has become more depressed than Sharon Stone’s snatch on the chopping block during Sharia Law appreciation month at a charity gala in Brentwood to raise funds for her latest passion doc project with Breitbart, “Will Flash for Bitcoin.”

Chopping Block Blues, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

The Dishonorable Front

by doitalldadyear, posted in faith, family, fiction

Best way for Obama’s half-brother to downplay his Terrorist ties to the Muslim Brotherhood. Ditch the Islamic head cap for a MAGA hat during a Facebook livestream on the 4th of July, while blasting the Kayne West portion of Black Republicans in the background. Before wishing Soccer Mom Nation, a Happy 4th, immune from low-income housing from radicalized Sunni refuges from Somalia like Minnesota did for congressional rep Baby Face Omar gonna work it out. Then, Malik, no I wasn’t the swing forward star from St. Johns, Obama, says, “Kenyan lives don’t matter, unless you’re Barack Obama, Christians decapitated by ISIS excluded. But you got to give Barack props for rebranding ISIS, ISIL, so they’d sound more startup friendly in the NY Times during March Madness. That’s an Obama accomplishment for you Tucker, that boasts thousands of likes under the Muslim Brotherhood fan page on LinkedIn. And if my half-brother is such a baller at basketball Tucker, then why did Barack ride the bench at an all-Asian private school in Hawaii?”

You ever get a LinkedIn connection request from an impossible to annunciate Arabic name which you’re only uncomfortable with because their profile shot is a headless one?

You don’t want to be accused of Islamophobia, so you’re forced to feel like an asshole for questioning whether this a warning shot from the Muslim Brotherhood for spreading disinformation on your WordPress comedy blog about Public Enemy and The Bomb Squad being bigger Elvis haters than lovers of Farrakhan’s use of poetry slam intended rhyme.

“I’m not an anti-Semite. I’m anti-Termite”, is an ok turn of phrase to try out at an oxygen bar open mike in the valley within the stench laden bowls of North Hollywood. But it’s no, “Emancipate our minds from mental slavery.” Or the demonic Jew in charge of CNN will praise ANTIFA for their unheralded bravery. Farrakhan isn’t my number one pick for prophets above Bob Marley on Ranker is all I’m saying.  Although I’m positive Snoop Dog would disagree, despite Wine Spectator claiming, “Snoops’ Cabernet tastes like mouth wash used in porn hood hell.”

Did you know Hitler was born on the pot smoking holiday 4/20? I haven’t felt this duped by the satanic Jews in charge of green lighting Cheech and Chong films since they allowed Sly Stallone to sneak Mel Gibson into Expendables 3.

Has Don Lemon interviewed Ziggy Marley on 420 yet to discuss the plunging birthrates in NYC because of Lena Dunham’s encouraged arm fat flapper look on Instagram? Don Lemon asks, “How did your dad have so many kids Ziggy? Doesn’t ganja drain your ball sack dry? Ziggy Marley says with an extra lit powered grin, “Fake News Man.”

Michael Kornbluth





New Rule Asshole

by doitalldadyear, posted in politics, travel, writing

New Rule: Stop acting you’re on my side. If you think my kids should wear masks in schools like Michael Jackson’s adopted kids on holiday in Bahrain.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you act like kids with COVID are a scarier health risk than backend entry into The Dallas Buyer’s Club.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you voted for Mr. Groper to make hair sniffing great again.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you think Thug Lives Matter most.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you still listen to weird, weak, woke Howard Stern, who didn’t dare criticize Governor Cuomo when he was in power after writing a book on How to Kill Italian Grandma Without Throwing Off Her Off The Train, because Perm Head didn’t want to be banned from Jimmy Kimmel’s house for more 2 bite chicken parm dinners.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you’re not grossly offended when demonic, Democrat hacks like Denture Breath Pelosi compare January 7 to 9/11 but are totally cool with Ellen DeGeneres professed friendship with W because she’s a fake news humanitarian who’s pro bush all the way.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you blame the burning of food vendor trucks at Woodstock 99 on white rage but refuse to condemn ANTIFA for being fake news Punisher vigilantes in hoodies from Target who never outgrew their pyromania phase.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you still watch the NBA, which makes ball gags made in China to ensure the Houston Rocket’s owner never tweets in favor of the Hong Protests again, which makes every day Yuhan paper trumps all day, especially since COVID made in Wuhan, was used to steal an election through mail-in voting, wreck our economy, gut our cities and destroy our children’s age of innocence more than any Dick Cheney move by Oliver Stone ever could.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you don’t condemn Biden for being a lying piece of shit for lying about visiting the Tree of Life in Synagogue during the Jewish New Year in Pittsburgh. Despite the Rabbi who was there, claiming, “I’ve never met Joe Biden in my life. And I’m not going out of my way to hang out much at Ben & Jerry’s much these days either.”

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you don’t think Israel has a right to defend itself, after 5000 rockets are launched in its backyard, while only expecting to receive an Edible Gift Basket in Return with a thank you note written in Farsi.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you’re still a degenerate, lying, beyond petulant, perpetually druggy scumbag who makes Hunter Biden come off as a serial slacker underachiever in comparison.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you support sanctuary cities, which is legalized lawlessness on crack or have no problem with every day for the cops being standing down day since BLM made it kosher to shoot cops in Dallas without any image depreciation blowback.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you wanted Kyle Rittenhouse to get anal AIDS in prison before getting beaten to death because the jury in Kenosha refused to let mob justice rule.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you insult my intelligence like you’ve done for 5 years in a row and tell me with a straight face that you think Biden got more votes than Obama or Trump despite Mr. Groper’s campaign rallies not being big enough to fill out Ariel’s little clam shell bra’s.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you believe our elderly deserved to die alone despite COVID having a 99 percent survival rate, when you’re a degenerate Jewish gambler who has no problem betting 5 large on the Jets against Tampa on a slow Thursday.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you still watch Bill Maher after he wished for a recession to get Trump out of office but got COVID instead. The same Bill Maher, another self-serving, Obama licker protector like the rest. Who had no problem with Obama posting Israel’s classified nuclear program on Medium or nuke gifting Iran 150 billion to create overseas manufacturing jobs for Build a Bear to make their economy less reliant on the sale of chest hair removal cream for the Kardashians.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you think you’re not blatantly pathetic for only now criticizing the news media for perpetuating the overblown COVID death counts because you’re feeling more courageous in admitting to your buyer’s remorse after SNL makes fun of Biden’s pedophile whisperer speech impediment after all these years.

Stop acting you’re on my side, if you think John Goodman is a good guy because he came out on Jimmy Kimmel to declare Rosanne isn’t a racist, after agreeing to the spin off the Conner’s based on a show and career she created for him in the 1st place because a brief part in Raising Arizona wasn’t the career launcher he imagined either.

Stop acting you’re on my side if you side with arrogant baby boomers who want Joe Rogan canceled for the crime of interviewing an infectious disease expert that knows Fuck Face Fauci personally, who fluffed the monkey with the banana driller used to create Aids with, in addition to Magic’s Johnson’s secret HIV suppressor stash.

Stop acting you’re on my side if you’re going to insist the entire world has gone mad all around, when it’s the crazed, just vaccinated Karen’s that have ruined dinner parties for the foreseeable future let alone a stroll to Target with your kids only to hear, “Wear the damn mask.” “Yeah, not until you suck the misinformation and hate speech out of my chosen schlong first Karen. Pretend Obama ordered you to leak it.”

Stop acting you’re on my side if you’re sick of COVID when you’re not a nurse forced to mask up for 2 years in a row who’s had to lose her job because she refused to get an experimental clot shot that’s weakening more immune systems than backend entry into the Dallas Buyer’s Club.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you think you’re a man of the people, who’s not a guilty of endorsing mass murder, done dick to condemn evil and more than tolerated the lockdowns, and forced terminations of jobs for 2 years that’s lead to thousands of businesses destroyed, countless drug overdoses, numerous suicides and fucked up kids for life with future fertility issues and heart problems on the way for using our kids as fucking political pawns by pushing a clot shot drug on them to keep evil enshrouded scumbags like Gavin Newsome in power that has single handily destroyed my beautiful southern California of yesteryear in one slimy, sociopath ridden swoop.

Stop acting you’re on my side. You’re narrative about you being a good guy truth spreader after claiming anyone who offered alternative treatments to combat early bouts of COVID as conspiracy theorists like every blah breath hack deluded into thinking that intended silence shaming aside will shut us the fuck up knowing you’ve been the easily duped, rube hick who’s been breathlessly citing the Washington Post for the past 6 years in a row mongoloid moron.

Stop acting you’re on my side, when you have no problem with 2 million illegal immigrants infiltrating our border with COVID and more fentanyl made in China that’s killed more cracker in this country than Taylor Swift kicking with Lena Dunham on Instagram.

Stop acting you’re on my side, when you don’t have kids or give a shit about protecting the kids. All you care about is preserving your urban legends about George Floyd being the patron saint of resisting arrest, Obama Be Good doing more than rebranding ISIS, ISIL so they’d sound more start up friendly in the NY Times while claiming to be a good Jew when you don’t eat Kosher, perform Shabbat or demonize the UN for funding death tunnels to kidnap and kill Jewish children in the name of terrorist inclusivity.

Stop acting you’re on my side, when you don’t even shrug at the thought of kids being discriminated, segregated against and psychologically tortured because their parents don’t worship the cult of Obama Be Good or the Democratic lead rape enablement party nor are they dumb to subject their kids to experimental gene therapy for desired social acceptance among the enemies on the fake news elite left that ushered and continue to push the utter destruction of our kid’s youth, safety our inner cities and facade of the US government and our doctors as a whole caring about anything else besides self-enrichment and job preservation since the day democracy died.

You’re the enemy asshole, if you remain a stranger to self-awareness and all the evil you endorse, even if Bill Maher gave you permission to open your mouth otherwise from time to time because it’s socially convenient now to do so, you sell out hack.

Get banned from Twitter for insisting the Chinese have resisted Wuhan lab investigations more than AquaFresh 70 comedy records later and get back to me on what a crazy, hardcore thought leader you on are LinkedIn, asshole.

Michael Kornbluth

Stand Up Staffer

by doitalldadyear, posted in blogging, faith, humor

Matilda Singing Rose Kornbluth lived for playdates with her best friend from Columbia Shannon, who turned her on to Shakira, despite her Do It All Dad insisting at 1st, “Shakira is a belly dancing lounge act for Saudi royals on holiday.” Only for his daughter to fire back in her standard hot pitch, effortless fashion, “Actually, Shakira is the most downloaded artist of all time and those stats don’t lie Dada. Feeling good about being dejected in the presence of such all-natural sales star ease, Do It All Dad admitted defeat with playful, funny man charm by wrapping up a conversation he regrated getting into for the most part by now, saying back, “I wish mama’s hips concealed their ever-widening reality already.”

Do It All Dad also operated an IT staffing business, Stand Up Staffer from home, placing front end developers, graphic designers and now UX designers throughout the Island of Manhattan. On Stand-Up Staffer’s business card was a long stage hook like the one they would use at the Apollo on Amateur Night except in this pic, a bearded, Millennial Mouseketeer stick figure hipster in glasses is getting hooked off into the loving saving, life enriching arms of Stand-Up Staffer. The slogan for Stand-Up Staffer on the card states, “Been Talent Hooking Since Y2K”, before LinkedIn thought leadership posts by Marc Cuban would make Jack Welch shake in his penny loafers made out of Leprechaun gold teeth.

Do It All Dad was also a part-time, open mike comedian in both LA and Manhattan before Matilda was born, so his daughter Singing Rose Kornbluth otherwise known as Grace In Motion, was bound to absorb her father’s always on, constantly pitching leanings. When Matilda was only 2, she could only string 2 words together, so her Do It All Dad would mold around those limitations, understanding the always relevant adage, “less is more”, especially when you’re in the pursuit of hooking a hiring IT Director’s interest in hearing about a hot to trot candidate over the phone out of the freaking blue, without making any contact prior or intent on delivering a fumble free 1st joke difference maker, which determines whether you score a semi-respectable set with enough momentous, kickstarting oomph at another open mike in the East Village, with 5 other struggling, aspiring stand-up comics stuck in their heads, rehearing punchlines bound for comedic glory compared to your hack stabs at being professionally funny for 5 minutes straight at a time. Still, Matilda would always shine in the scripted lines her Dad gave Matilda to score laughs with at 2, so she grew up trusting her Do It All Dad’s stand-up sales wisdom even more each, day, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do It All Dad’s favorite routine at the deli back in the day, when Matilda was only 2 was, “Hey, Matilda what did Tyson Chandler give the Knicks.” And Singing Rose Matilda Kornbluth would take the nookie out of her mouth and say, “Bupkis, Daddy, Bupkis.”  When Matilda was 5, her Do It All Dad enrolled his 5-year-old in acting camp despite prolonged protests from mama stating with huffy annoyed disgust, “But she can’t even read yet.” Do It All Dad snaps back with, “Will watch Rocky 2 together for pointers.” Then, the next summer, Matilda co-stared in 15 or more commercials uploaded on to YouTube for his Standup Staffer business, which later lead to her Do It All Dad scoring a retainer staffing fee to place a VP Of UX Design for a new food tech startup, FOODIEFRIEDNFORLIFE based in the NOHO section of Manhattan, billing itself as a lunch matching service, for single working professionals, who wanted to network with new business contacts over a shared Rib Eye for 2, knowing your vegetarian girlfriend never would. Plus, you could write off these pricy, big deal conjuring lunches, as a new business development expense if you worked in B2B sales, account management for Madison Avenue or as an Associate Editor for a major publishing business to woo literary studs on the rise, who weren’t complete social spaz attacks, off the page, who exuded more than 0.0 charisma off the page.

Matilda’s favorite commercial for Standup Staffer, included the one called Blond Power, where she plays a star UX Designer whose worked for 20 companies in 5 years stating, “I fall out of love easily like Trump.” Then when asked why she decided to dye her hair blond, Blond Ambition says, “Guy software engineers prefer blonds to feel smarter and superior. They’re nerds remember?” Plus, only ugly girls go to coding boot camp.” So, Matilda was no stranger to performing and selling as she started the 4th grade, especially knowing her old school go to line whenever her dear Dada used to pick up her from daycare in Scarsdale Village after working for the man Robert Half in Manhattan was, “Can I get a treat Daddy? I was fuss free today, fuss free. In short, Do It All Dad played a huge role helping transform his daughter into a supremely confident, effortlessly charismatic, logic loaded, never too overtly wordy dronish, sales machine. As a result, it pissed off Matilda to no end, when The Girl Scouts Of America denied her entry, after admitting to marching in the annual Israel Day Parade with her dear Dada, because it was insensitive to Arab Scouts in their troop despite their alleged secular, wholesome girl next door leanings, despite there being a Planned Parenthood abortion referral fee patch in the works, since full term abortions in New York State became Kosher in the empire state’s eyes under Governor Cuomo’s all-knowing watch, otherwise known as a the cold blooded Italian Reptilian inside.

Matilda fumes to her best friend Shannon over the phone about being denied more primo face time with her friend through The Girl Scouts Of America, saying, “Israel not the country, who fires rocket into their neighbor’s backyard, expecting nothing more than an Edible gift basket in return. Hamas terrorists in charge of their government, are supposed to be trusted partners in peace, 8 days a week, my chest.” Matilda also admitting to Dude Looks Like A Lady being her most liked song on Spotify, didn’t warm her up to The Girl Scouts Of America either, especially since the Boy Scouts started admitting girl men like Juno into their ranks to.

Matilda Singing Rose Kornbluth was intent on revenge now, for being denied more face time with her best friend in the universe and launches Standup Sitter Club, an accelerated sales camp for kids, which unmasks the power of cold calling, for those interested in scaling their babysitting business to the next level.  Because of that, the head PTA Mom calls a sit down with Stand Up Staffer who runs his own IT staffing firm from home who gave his daughter the idea of recruiting burnt out goodie two-shoes from the Girl Scouts Of America in the 1st place. Matilda started Cold Calling Camp seminar lectures with lines such as, “Smartphones Don’t Come With Balls To Make Cold Calls For You” and, “You spent enough time on your ass doing more remote learning from home. The 1st rule of Standup Sitter Club is no chairs when cold calling.”

Now, the head PTA mom in charge of her local Girl Scouts chapter calls Stand Up Staffer to demand a sit down, threatening to report his daughter to the better business bureau for unfair recruitment practices since Matilda’s Cold Calling Camp For Kids Camp depleted her group dry, by offering commission heavy rip profits. Babysitter sounds so passe. Matilda’s stable network of enterprising babysitters were rebranded on LinkedIn as Creative Play Consultants.”

Stand Up Staffer meets the head PTA mom at a local coffee shop and says, “You can’t knock my daughter’s Cold Calling Camp For Kids. The only way to get ahead in life is to cold call yourself into stranger’s hearts. I wasn’t introduced to my wife of 10 years through a friend. I didn’t swipe her over to my lap at a new cider bar opening in the east village. I didn’t overcome my zero confidence, shyness stutter from a fancy internship connection to the agent training program at Creative Artists Agency. I didn’t break through the soul destroying, mentally crippling door of dependence on my parents to pay rent for my apartment in West Hollywood through being bequeathed some cushy IT Account Manger role to wine and dine IT Directors  who worked for wine distributor behemoth Southern Wine and Spirits, to secure more job orders to fill, without having to throw my balls on the line in the service of winning over the trust of new clients through sheer audacity and relentless, houndish delight while minimizing my sprinklings of spamish overtones until I became more polished in between.”

Stand Up Staffer adds, “More importantly, your daughter Maya is making bank at Standup Sitters, earning hefty referral babysitter fees up the wazoo. Also, let’s not depreciate your daughter’s increased ability to listen better due to her hardcore cold calling camp training, making it easier for her to bear drawn out conversations with you with more emotionally presence awareness and concern, next time, you start moaning on about your immovable belly rolls, 3 kids later, or how life offers rapidly depleted meaning once your daughter outgrows the need for mama’s nurturing hugs, as you pop open another boozy, mommy seltzer again, for head lightening relief.  PTA mom says, “If I can’t knock the cold call, then can I hit you in the face really hard once? It might turn you on actually.”

Michael Kornbluth

The Sun Butter King

by doitalldadyear, posted in cooking, culture, entertainment

North Dakota was only state in the country which enjoyed full employment and Do It All Dad wanted in. North Dakota was also the least visited state in the nation yet Do It All Dad was used to seeing his parents only twice a year and also accustomed to not seeing any of his former friends since his 3 fuss free children were born, failing the friendship litmus test every time. So, the isolating nature of North Dakota didn’t bother him one bit, especially knowing how much Do It All Dad hated to navigate around lost in time, tourist hicks in Times Square pre-Covid, on his way to work when he used take the subway there for his IT Recruiter job in Midtown East for a living.  But the majority of the jobs in North Dakota were within the farming and energy industry, which Do It All Dad had no experience with whatsoever. Granted, his mom grew up in Kentucky and had an Uncle Jim who owned a farm, who even wore overalls to his Grandpa’s funeral, because that’s how he rolled. And Do It All Dad would have a bit in his old act about how Kentucky gal Ashley Judd wasn’t an actual victim of rape. He’s say, “Ooh, she refused to watch Harvey Weinstein shower himself down at his 5-star suite in the Four Season. At the same time, Ashley Judd had plenty of experience judging fat pigs at the County Fair.” Still, Do It All Dad wasn’t expecting to be working headliner comedian at the non-existent comedy clubs in downtown Fargo, North Dakota. Microsoft had 100,000 employees based in North Dakota yet Do It All Dad was no fan of Bill Gates’s Dad being the head of Planned Parenthood either, whose founder was intent on carrying out Hitler’s eugenics solution, one fetus flicker, mostly of color at a time. North Dakota was also voted the least female friendly environment because it had less abortion clinics than Oxygen bars for the Persian Iranians to act urban sheik smug in, like tanner, humorless Whitney Cumming clones in those Hollywood Hills, who were too uptight for Do It All Dad’s tastes, whose blah brained personalities offered him nil.

Do It All Dad had an old Headhunter boss in Manhattan Beach, CA who drilled into his cranium the do or die mantra, “innovate or die.” Innovate he must, because Do It All Dad had to invent a new job title besides Stay At Home Comedian. Do It All Dad just wanted to write more books from home and cook more yummy dance meals for his family but needed a paying job of some sort to finance finishing his next book in progress The Koshertarian Diet, so his wife wouldn’t bust his balls about it.  Do It All Dad was also working on a new short story book collection, Waste Of Height, which forced him to be tad less political and overtly sexual in his writing for a change. Still, as famous English novelist Virginia Woolfe once said, “A woman must have a room of her own and money to write fiction.” Now, Do It All Dad being a stay at home she male rocker mom of sorts, could identify with this stone cold sober truism, even more than being a shishy bitch who would get dressed up on Shabbat Friday nights to stay in with his 3 kids while his wife went back to work at the hospital in the NICU to check on the vital signs of blue faced babies, which made Do It All Dad feel like an insufferable narcissist at times, because all he checked for was for retweets, before he got banned from Twitter calling Governor Cuomo, the Blanch killing, cold blooded, Italian Reptilian inside.

Now, Do It All Dad couldn’t even justify his IPA intake after a Peloton ride anymore, because his family was barely affording the monthly payments on their mortgage and nothing had changed too much since he started chasing down open mikes throughout Southern California 15 years ago, after getting the laugh chaser bug, which no amount of widespread bombing or martial bliss disintegration or threat of complete financial ruin could cure. Also, Do It All Dad’s office, was in his bedroom, which a recent jilted audiobook reviewer, derided as “Tiny and cramped”, based on the lack of reverberating echo in his Chapter reading for “The Last Temptation of Adderall”, I assume.  Also, Do It All Dad had given up hope on securing a lit agent to take a chance on an eccentric Jewish comedian satirist, reinvented literary novelist, who used his books for extra long stand up comedy monologues, he couldn’t afford to do during open mikes throughout Manhattan, because he couldn’t justify the 40 dollar Metronorth train fare to wail with his arms on stage for the pleasure of trying to entertain the 2 millennial mousketeers in the audience with such a jade free, joyous, giving heart anymore. Now, Do It All Dad didn’t desperately seek strangers funny many approval as much on stage, since he launched his successful podcast and blog 3 years ago, which for him was the greatest open mike on earth. But it pained Do It All Dad to still not be in a position, to buy his son, Art Show USA the GI Joe, SS Flagg, Aircraft Carrier for his son’s 7th birthday, snowboard lessons, a vintage pair of Freezie Freakies on eBay with the Thundercat’s on it, anything but more copies of his impossible to find books on Amazon.  Reality is, Art Show USA provided book cover color consultation on all 4 of Do It All Dad’s books so far and he adored his Do It All Dad book’s so much, he took a screensaver picture for his remote learning school issued computer, holding all 4 of his his dear dada’s books, exuding a beamish prideful through association inside and out. 7 years on this earth after Art Show USA was born, almost a decade, and Do It All Dad needed to fight harder than ever to keep his elusive dreams of comedic literary superstardom alive. Do It All Dad’s son loved his Dad’s Do It All Dad Year Podcast to and didn’t want his dad to perform more sheets of comedy gold on it without having to worry about mom threatening to kick him out the house again because of his lack of money generating power.

So, Do It All Dad got an idea while making lunch for his son one day, The Sun Butter Challenge. What if Do It All Dad went into business with his gorgeous son who could smile on cue without breaking into hives in the process and daddy became his Agent, booking him as the new face for Sun Butter Gold foods, located in Sunflower country, Bismarck, North Dakota, which could lead to Do It All Dad snagging enough loot sack to buy his family the Porsche Comedy Gold Mobile, a new lake house summer home in Lake George, NY for his son’s GJ Joe SS Flagg and enough money to fiancé writing more books without ever having to bite his tongue while being offered a career consultation email from LinkedIn, considering the gaps of wrath of his corporate America resume ever again. Do It All Dad’s son, Art Show USA possessed the sunbeam smile, few other kids could match with such star powered gleaming light. So if Do It All Dad couldn’t get a job interview for a junior copywriter position at let’s say Sun Gold Foods in Bismarck, North Dakota, which boasts full employment to the point, where they could use some extra creative firepower, knowing it’s also the least visited state in the grand old USA, then Do It All Dad could create a job for himself as his son’s personal manager, calling himself on LinkedIn the Sun Gold Hunter, so he can finally capitalize in a big time cashing in way off all of his new business development, cold calling centric, IT headhunter background in both in LA and Manhattan, where he slaved weekends away when he wasn’t trying to write new scripts or jokes, researching new IT Directors or Chief Marketing Officers to cold call the following week, again and again.

Do It All Dad was old school and had no problem cold calling men and woman in powers of authority who controlled staffing budgets in a NY Minute. Plus, Do It All Dad took perverse pleasure working around HR humpbacks, which as a whole were major business to business cock blockers, who ruined the love connection potential between a hurting hiring manager and staffing solution specialist Headhunter to the rescue like Do IT All Dad fashioned himself to be in this instance.  Do It All Dad also learned from his headhunting days, how passion is always picked up over the phone, so he’d have no problem conveying the head of Sun Butter Gold products in Bismarck, North Dakota, what a gross disservice to mankind, they’d be doing for refraining from making his American made beautiful boy, Art Show USA, the permanent franchise face of Sun Gold Food products, which would double annual sales from 4 million to 8 million in the first week alone, guaranteed.

Now, Do It All Dad is pitching his son as the new face for Sun Butter with the Chief Marketing Officer through Zoom. Cheryl, the Chief Marketing Officer looks confused. Do It All Dad says, “You look confused Cheryl. I want my son to star in The Sun Butter Challenge campaign across America, similar to what they did with the Pepsi Challenge back in the day, when kids had stronger immunities to bullying, Kurt Cobain excluded. He longed to retreat into his pre-fame bubble without having to rummage through his Grandma’s closet for another ugly, lime sweater to wear at the MTV Music Awards, I get it.” Cheryl, the CMO for Sun Butter Gold products says, “So, where’s Art Show USA? How do you expect me to hire you 2 as a packaged deal to do the creative and performing in these Sun Butter Challenges campaigns, without me seeing, the sun butter smile to light up a thousand suns? The same smile which will double our sales in a year, according to your fuzzy Math estimates, knowing you still have to count with your fingers for simple arthmitic, which I read in one of your blog posts, in case you think we just ignored the totality of your digital fingerprint on the Internet all together, because your son is the star smile attraction, we’re really after.”

Do It All Dad says, “Art Show, come in Dada’s office for a minute. “Art Show says, “You mean you’re bedroom Dada? Do It All Dad says, “Thanks for reminding me and for destroying what little sales leverage I have left without you flashing your smile through Zoom for the Sun King Maker to see.” Art Show hops on his dear Dada’s lap, and smiles. “Cheryl, the Chief Marketing Officer says, “Wow, you’re Dada isn’t another full of shit New Yorker after all. Are you ready to be a star kiddo?” Art Show USA says, “Just give my Dada 10 percent of everything I make for a finder’s fee and give him final cut approval on all commercials and print campaigns starring my Sun Butter Smile and you got yourself a deal.” Can I go back to building my Harry Potter, Astronomy Tower now? Dada starts singing with jubilant heart, “Sun Butter King’s stock is rising, rising.” Next Do It All Dad adds, ” King Arthur, my kid eclipses his star power limited to Disney fable books, nobody reads anymore, oh, I can’t take no more.” Cheryl, the Chief Marketing Officer, says, “Would you mind if we put Sunflowers in your son’s hair, the LBGT community will lick it up, lick it up, oh, oh, oh! What, you think you’re the only Kiss fan who resents how Nirvana’s Nevermind was the death blow shot heard around the world that killed off carefree Hair Metal Pop rock forever.”

The End

Michael Kornbluth