Coming To Terms With My Ex-Social Life Pre- 3 Kids

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-3 kids.

West Hollywood was fun. Mika couldn’t speak a paragraph full of English. She took me out to Sushi Roku for my birthday at 22. I should’ve broken up with you like a man. Sorry special.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life with pre-3 kids.

1st, I got serious with my girlfriend now wife Natalia because I knew deep down how much my friends from high school sucked compared to her. You kill at the Comedy Cellar and get. They were laughing at you.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life before 3 kids.

Now I don’t have to waste my Angel Hair in White Clam Sauce with Pepperoncini’s on a baby-faced southern gal. Only for her to ask if she could bring home leftovers for desert.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-kids.

Living in Hermosa Beach, you had to lunge at new puss fast because last call was at 12:30. Which sucks for a native New Yorker. My yak pipes were just getting warmed up.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-3 kids.

I had to endure my friend JT’s tasteless, Nazi jokes. But he was half my size. And I knew he was a jealous gentile because of my chosen curls and Vince Vaughn aura. He did call me a social genius though. Miss you pal.

Coming to terms with ex-social pre-3 kids.

My old roommate Dan was right. I did puff the ganja in excess for my lack of buds nearby. Jacob, my dealer was the best. Always made him laugh. And I wasn’t very funny back then either. Totally blanking on how I met him.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre kids.

I’m so lucky. Erica pushed me to write, create and stretch my imagination. Bought us tickets for a taping of Friends for my birthday. Pointed out a writer talking to Ross between takes. Saying you can be him. Thank you.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-3 kids.

I loved living with my roommate Jay in Sherman Oaks for the most part. He really cared for me. Went tripping on Mushrooms when I got fired from my 1st and only bartender job I had in a fancy 4 star French Restaurant in West Hollywood on La Brea after months of searching.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre 3 kids.

Lizzette was statuesque and pretty. Looked like a Latino Terri Hatcher. Paid her way through law school. Loved my poetry. Made her cry when I graded her blow job once. Sorry babe. You were perfect.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-kids.

Melissa had great boobs. Was a cool Indiana gal. Worked on the Fox lot. Friends were awful. When I sold wine. I sampled desert ice wine on her innards. Never loved her though. Sorry pretty.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-3 kids.

I did sing Karaoke every Friday with my roommate Jay. I met Leslie from the valley. She sold porno DVD’s for a living. Which is Paul Thomas Anderson material. I’ve done goonish with. She was really good to me.

Coming to terms with my ex -social life pre- 3 kids.

My roommate fat shamed a Mexican girl who really loved me. Heart still breaks for her. So sorry gorgeous. Worked as a film editor for MGM. Asked me to choke her. So I banged in a her turtleneck.

Coming to terms with my  ex-social life pre-3 kids.

I did sing Karaoke every Friday with my boy from LA Jay Master Jay. And feel excessively white after he killed to Eminem before Slim Shady became a Trump triggered bitch boy like the rest.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-3 kids.

I auditioned for the reality show Blind Date in the same room as Disco Dan. Got on the show to. All I got from it was a free meal and herpes.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre- 3 kids.

It was hard to top my summer wind Summer Lam, yummy. So sweet. Her plan for us? Move to Santa Barbra. She’d day trade and I’d write books. I fucked that 1 up. Love you forever perfect.

Coming to terms with ex-social life pre-3 kids.

I’d do shotguns of weed with Summer in my Hermosa Beach pad. She didn’t even like weed despite going to the same school as Obama in Hawaii. Some baller, a bench player at an all Asian private school in Hawaii.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-3 kids.

Erica’s dad in Westwood, had a keg of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale on tap constantly. Fuck, now I have to be happy with my father in law’s leftover brown ale from Maine 2 and half years ago.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-3 kids.

Leslie had issues. Still she did look like a shorter Loraine Bracco to me. And her dad’s house in Malibu was sick. Doesn’t make up for her terrorizing me at work, almost getting me arrested for fake news assault charges and the restraining order.

Coming to terms with ex-social pre-3 kids.

My 1st year of doing open mikes in LA was humbling. I fumble an opener joke about Ron Artest. My saver and only laugh. I love black guys because they don’t discriminate against the p word. Of course, I said the actual p word.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-3 kids.

It wasn’t so great to begin with. Especially knowing I had to slam J&B scotch on the rocks around my High School friends. To fill the entertainment void left by their lackluster, blah brained company.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

Ex-Social Life Jokes/Deplorable Material

If Michael Has 3 I can handle 1 kid easy. If you had dragon blood roaring through your veins. Which you don’t obviously. You share joint custody with your wife for Christ sake. And you’re still in complete meltdown mode 24/7.

Tale of 2 Jakes

Want to catch the Knicks Nets game? I don’t think I can. I have to pick up Jake. So you want to blame your bitchy disposition toward being a father of 1 on me? Either you can hang or you can’t blow off bitch face.

Plus, your precious ex-social life involved videos smoking bombs with your phone at 11PM in the middle of work weeks. I think your 1 kid is better off without you spacing on being a dad again. And sitting on him like Christopher with the cat in the Sopranos.

If Michael Has 3 I can handle 1 kid easy. If you had dragon blood roaring through your veins. Which you don’t obviously. You share joint custody with your wife for Christ sake. And you’re still in complete meltdown mode 24/7.

Your Ex-Social Life Before pumping out 1 kid only was overrated. So you lived in Manhattan instead of New Jersey. Your gift of gab on beer or weed stinks regardless. Why else would you use EMOJI’s in IT recruitment sales on LinkedIn?

Get Over Your Ex-Social Life Going from 1 Phish show to the next in your run down RV. Had to wear on your lack of unique hippie cred after a while. Unless, you were selling Pimento grill cheese sandwiches I didn’t know about.

Only In America Baby
Wife says. You ‘re not allowed to explain what abortion is to my daughter. I’m a nurse who works with babies. This is my field of expertise. So you’re the abortion whisper now?
My sexually repressed text sent to a recruiter bud of mine on the train. The MILF has a soft, moist, plump mouth hot for immediate stuffage. No way she’s snagging a rock her size being a dead weight grazer. LOL indeed.

Int. Best Buy Worker You don’t like Lebron? Stay At Comedian Dad I respect his work ethic, God given ability and above average post season clutchness. And Charles Barkley is way more loveable and he hates on my Knicks 24/7.

Me on the phone with Robison Oil. My report says a “burner coupling broke?” Like when Chris Martin from Coldplay turned cold on Gwyneth Paltrow’s Kama Sutra moves after too many Kimchi taco Tuesdays became a family tradition.
My 7 Year Old Daughter Summing Me Up

You’re not a businessman daddy. What am I then Matilda? An underappreciated Podcast Host whose been Shadow Banned long time. You’re less annoying than Michael Savage.

 

Dad texts. I expected you to call us on Sunday per our conversation. My reply. Natalia was working all weekend. And I was busy with deplorable babysitter detail. It made me laugh.

 

By,

Michael Kornbluth

God Gives Kids to Only The Lonely

God Gives Kids to Only the Lonely.
Have you seen the size of Leo’s pussy posse? It’s enormous.

God Gives Kids to Only The Lonely.
Turtle from Entourage never got stoned solo last time I checked. Or had issues talking #Knicks on MSG like a man with big time connects despite being a dead weight conversationalist in real life.

God Gives Kids to Only The Lonely

So you should be done complaining now Shelia.
Are you too good for divine intervention now on your behalf?

God gives kids to only the lonely.
Of course God is thinking. So what’s the problem again Sandra?
Your band wasn’t Arcade Fire in the making. But I’m sure your back shoulder tattoo will age well. Tattoos are a big no, no in my book, you know?

God gives kids to the only the lonely.

So they don’t have to apply for IT headhunting jobs again knowing stay at home comedian dads command way more respect. On top of the lowly salary barely covering the cost of daycare alone.

God gives kids to only the lonely.

Especially, when his Loan Officer mother at JP Morgan Chase denies his connection request on LinkedIn. Because she doesn’t care to be associated with her IT headhunter, loudmouth “artist”

God gives kids to only the lonely

Especially to 1st born sons who have distant dads whose shoulders collapse when you go in for an obligatory, annual hug on your birthday.
son.

God gives kids to only the lonely.
Again, help me out here Liz. You wanted a kid to love you more than your fake friends and c word mom ever did? God bemoans from a burning bush on Mars. Watching MMA with Aries the God of War on Satellite.

God gives kids to only the lonely.

So stop complaining about how lonely you are Sharon? Now you have 1 more lunch buddy than you did in high school. Who likes Madonna’s earlier work also cry baby girl.

God gives kids only to the lonely.

So what’s the problem Andrea? Breast feed your kid for 3 more years. Leaving enough of a grace period to find yourself attracted to your over the hill hipster husband again.

God gives kids to only the lonely.
So what are you bitching about now? God bemoans.
I know a Stay At Home Comedian Dad who doesn’t have a mommy meetup group for  emotional support. Organized and led by his RN nurse wife no less.

God gives kids to only the lonely.
But you’re so lonely because your stuck with your 1 kid all day when your husband has to commute, endure pointless meetings and become a permanent hunchback. Have you ever made a cold call ever?

God does give kids to only the lonely.
So stop bitching about how lonely you are ladies.
With your kids in front of you. Filling your home with emotionally present love.
Your husbands business meetings aren’t too riveting. Get over it.

God gives kids to only the lonely.

Especially, when your 3 kids don’t know where their 2 so busy childless uncles live actually. Facebook Face-Time would be beyond weird at this point and excessively insufficient.

God gives kids to only the lonely.

Especially, any woman married into the Kennedy family. Which is more curse than gift, obviously.

God gives kids to only the lonely.

So stop playing the repressed victim of lonely motherhood. Also, your parents help out 3 times a week. Mine live in permanent vacation in their Arizona estate shrine to themselves forevermore.

God gives kids to only the lonely.
So stop complaining about the isolating pain of motherhood.
God’s thinking. How about talking to your kid in front of you to make you feel less lonely for a change. Read your kid Art of the Deal. Do something.

God gives kids to only the lonely.

It’s a God given opportunity to mold an improved you. So stop bitching about how ungrateful your kid is. Get off your my life was so much better before. And be a better role model of pleasantness Franny.

 

God gives kids to only the lonely.
So stop whining over much you miss your producer career at CNN, Sharon. You can’t handle losing out on every night as date night for 3 months? Try 7 years and 3 kids in a row and get back to me.

God gives kid to only the lonely.
So stop bitching about how lonely you are ladies.
With your kids in front of you. Filling your home with emotionally present love.
Your husbands business meetings aren’t too riveting. Get over it.

God gives kids to only the lonely.

Or to the flaky, melodramatic diva. To make her realize how shitty it was to abandon her so called best friend after the birth of her daughter during her Postpartum blues.  But, what do I know? Only God knows why!

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth