The Day My 1st Love Died

With KP gone, Manhattan is yesterday’s news.

PT Barnum is rolling in his grave knowing Dolan gave away his magical Latvian unicorn with a million dollar, high voltage smile to a billionaire nerd who refuses to splurge on a good hair stylist for peanuts on the dollar.

When can I start blaming Deblasio for New York City’s losing culture? NYPD turned their backs on garlic breath . It was just a matter of time before a Trump supporting Uni did the same.

All NBA talking head pundits are idiots for defending the decision to dump KP because his brother agents rubbed the Knicks front office the wrong way, coming off like Russian Gangsters in 25th Hour. KP is Dirk and Ralph Sampson on MDMA morons.

If KP wins an NBA Championship for the Dallas Mavericks. He could run for President and Cuban can be his VP. The FBI can forge his birth certificate and make it look less like a futzed with PDF file this time. Millennials won’t be fooled again.

 

Was a 42 years old fan. After watching what ESPN has descended to, propping up fake news intellectuals like fake news Fro. Or watching CNN disgrace itself by becoming lead leak, liar and chief. Your opinions on what’s best means less than Michael Rapaport.

KP’s brothers, were difficult to deal with. I’m sure CNN was offering them job offers as White House Correspondents, left and right.

I’m going to donate my son’s KP jersey to Good Will. Illegal Aliens won’t know the difference.

Fake News friends from High School still think they’re smarter than Trump for predicting Hillary Hammer Time Cankles would win. KP is gone. Louie is sticking to his out of control jerk off material around here. Time to abort my family of 5 down south now.

From a Gen X perspective, KP was Adonis Creed, our own trans Amazon woman on the moon. Who identified himself as the Alpha Uni among the sly, self-stylized, gunner slasher new order. Now, we’re left with Anime porn on Tumbler for money shot creation.

Trading KP for cap space is a joke. It’s like Ari Gold replacing Vincent on Aqua Man with Chad Lowe because he has to pay for all of Turtle’s broken glass bongs, using Fuji water only, in their own stretched trailer on the Warner lot out of pocket.

How did the become Coach Fizdale’s team? What are his major turnaround success stories under his belt again? Getting out of Lebron’s way after plowing through Eric Spoelstra on the sidelines in Miami doesn’t count.

 

KP made it clear he didn’t want to stay. That doesn’t take the sting out getting nothing for him in return. The Knicks had leverage, why bother reporting about using him as trade bait for unibrow at all? God forbid Stephen A pine for what could’ve have been.

Today I feel ridiculous like a 42 year old Calogero from Bronx Tale in my hoody. After Sonny tells him Micky Mantle doesn’t pay his dads rent. So why care about Mick’s latest stat line in the NY Post? Can’t regain my loving feeling, it’s going, going, gone.

I don’t know what’s more infuriating, some hack writer from Deadspin writing about New Yorker’s delusions of grandeur or Marc Cuban robbing us of our Latvian odyssey in the making, at the 1st ice roadblock bath ahead.

This is Stephen A. Smith off the record on the KP trade: It doesn’t take much to be a Latvian legend. At least Melo won a National Championship at Syracuse. What did hello Uni ever win? Besides white nationalists hearts, cloaked in Armani ties at the Garden.

Daughter

You love the Knicks more than me.

Dad

They were my 1st love, an arranged marriage my dad forced on me. Now, I’ll never have a ring to show for it. In this towering ice world of commerce and street ball courts, KP was our last hope.

Worst part about trading KP is lack of faith in Uni flying high again. Fizdale still thinks Black Lives Matter is a great idea, so how smart can he be? Belittling European bigs has become his claim to fame. My age of innocence is 100% dead.

I can’t believe the Knicks traded KP for anyone but Anthony Davis. I’m seriously considering divorcing my wife to get a talk radio job in Dallas because KP is what remained of my love for the and it’s really hard to let Uni fly away.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Jokes I Won’t Do in Manhattan Tonight

It’s time to lay off the Amazon Cloud. When your 4 year old son threatens to stab you in the heart 1st thing in the morning because you deny him instant gratification from his Futurama TV.

Astrology Off
Matilda, you got Einstein, George Washington. Arthur has Dr. King, Ben Franklin. Dammit Arthur is beating me already. Baby Samuel has Alice Cooper, Lincoln. I don’t like this game anymore daddy. Pisces are very competitive.

Int. Whole Foods
Barista
Is your baby always so chill?
Stay at Home Comedian Dad
He isn’t with her. Plus, his mommy isn’t an American Pyscho.
She’s originally from Australia. So that helps.

My 7 Year Old Daughter’s glimmers of Atheism.
Your baby brother’s new nickname is number 1 Capricorn. Plus, he stems from the 1st man on earth Adam. Daughter interjects. We all come from Apes Dada. Stop acting so evolved already Female Flash.

He’s So Happy Retort
My baby is already familiar with Bob Marley’s earlier work during his prime crooning pre-Concrete Jungle, chase those Crazy Baldheads out of town phase.

Unlikely post on LinkedIn.
I think God Gives Kids to Only The Lonely is obviously funnier and far less depressing than God Gives Kids to the Lonely. Agreed fake news funny commentators?

Int. Whole Foods
Stay At Home Comedian
Dad
Nice pin, All Good. I’m assuming Jeff Bezos gave you his pin number for his JP Morgan account. Assuming, you emote online about the muffled shrieks of despair on The Hand Maid’s Tale.

The baby is so happy. Old men hate him for it because my precious offspring highlights how loud and annoying their kids were growing up. Knowing their wives failed at making their kids any chiller on even a part time basis.

Daddy propping up Columbus.
Daddy, Columbus gave the Indians diseases. Pretty sure Charlie Sheen planted his seeds of destruction and gave his fair share away at the last AVN convention in Mohegan Sun. Nobody’s taken down Major League off Cinemax yet.

Michael Savage interviewing Ziggy Marley.
Studies prove excessive weed use lowers your sperm count.
Ziggy replies. My father had 12 kids. Fake news man.

Michelle Obama is class personified no doubt. As the ex 1st lady has she ever gone on record stating her 2 girls are composed, bright, celestial beams of light because she held them to higher social standards than ANTIFA? Just curious.

Bloomberg could’ve run against Trump the way Bernie did. So much for 2017 being the year for Atheist Jews.

Int. Pre-K
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I got Arthur’s mom to take all 3 kids to Delaware for a long weekend. So I can get my book proposal out already. And not be a bitchy, dependent, underling the rest of my life.

Int. Tavern
Older Woman
Your son is gorgeous. Your wife must be fetching in her own right.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
But her arm fat. Which my other 5 year old son points out at the dinner table. Weighs heavily on her overall bangability index score.

Michael Savage on Kayne
I’m sick to my stomach. This low life rapper debased the same desk I sat across from the President. Great work Savage. You’ve straddled the Imus, nappy headed you know what line out of pure ego driven jealously alone.

Memo to Dr. Savage
Your huffy, gruff, old man get off my oval office assessment of Kayne West makes me want to smoke weed again so I never end up sounding like you. Once, I’m done reading your book Stop Mass Hysteria. You’re so off the list.

Robert E Lee quote: “Slavery as an institution is a moral and political evil in any country.” But have fun with your pretend race war twitter twats. Last time I checked, Trump beat Hillary not Obama. Obama just introduced her at Jay Z rallies.

Me being an intentional dick to my wife.
Oh, baby Arthur said Baba to grandma.
That’s pretty miraculous because he’s only seen her 6 times so far max, correct?
Sorry, she’s done goonish to help me out.

Is any defeat of Penn State really a surprise now? Karma is in constant prevent feel good mode for Penn State football fans left, sorry.

Astrology Off Part Part 2
Matilda, you got Einstein, George Washington. Arthur has Dr. King, Ben Franklin. Baby Samuel has Alice Cooper, Lincoln. Dada’s got Van Gogh, Eddie Murphy. Daughter kicks me as my son throws change at my face.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth