The Manhattan Jerkoff Project

If you want to teach your kids about masturbation, send your kids to Dalton prep school for 50 grand a year on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. They’re teaching kids about masturbation early as 1st grade, imparting liberty preserving lessons like jerking off being our last safety rail left kids.

The question is, assuming Dad is beneath teaching his kid about the importance of jerking off to avoid disease and charges of rape with due process being deader in our country than Mia Farrow’s judge of character. Where would you prefer your kids to learn about masturbation? At sleepaway camp with your kid’s camp counselor or at school from a professor who teaches porn literacy at Columbia College? Porn literacy, do the parental controls at Dalton prep ensure the porn categories on their laptops are only visible in Latin?   Forcing our kids to read porn categories in Latin, is one way to bring dead languages back to life in no time. It also ensures Dalton kids won’t be accused of Xenophobia for refusing to take a class trip to Vatican because they know what giving communion in the dark means in Latin. The main reason Dalton is teaching kids about masturbation and only allowing them to surf porn written in Latin, is because some catholic donor wants to make their Latin club great again. So his son can sprinkle his debates with more highbrow nicknames than Trump could ever belch out on Twitter like BAT SHIT CRAZY COVIDITUS PELOSI. Holla, thank you very much.

The teacher at Dalton claims the masturbations lessons in the animation video were misinterpreted. Because jerking off videos like Topless Tudors are so ambiguous.

In the masturbation video animated kids discuss how touching themselves, makes it point in the air. “So, Johnny, you ever touch yourself to Dora and feel the need to cover it with multiple backpacks? Holla, thank you very much.

Parents who send their kid to Dalton claim to be enraged over their kids being show masturbation videos in the 1st grade, but they want to remain anonymous, refusing to come out on Tucker Carlson out of fear of being kicked off Facebook or else they’d lose all showing off privileges.

Aren’t the parents who send their kids to Dalton high powered lawyers, hedge fund managers and plastic surgeons for trans teens reared on Lou Reed records, considered less disposable employees than the rest, assuming they shit in MAGA hats on company retreats in the Bahamas? And how does speaking out publicly against Dalton’s teachers sexualizing their kids age of innocence get somebody fired from a hedge fund in Connecticut bringing in 4 billion a year? Does office security yank you out of the executive corporate john, on the top floor, only to sing, “You don’t come around here no more.” Tom Petty lives, holla, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

The Manhattan Jerkoff Project

If you want to teach your kids about masturbation, send your kids to Dalton prep school for 50 grand a year on the Upper East Side of Manhattan. They’re teaching kids about masturbation early as 1st grade, imparting liberty preserving lessons like jerking off being our last safety rail left kids.

The question is, assuming Dad is beneath teaching his kid about the importance of jerking off to avoid disease and charges of rape with due process being deader in our country than Mia Farrow’s judge of character. Where would you prefer your kids to learn about masturbation? At sleepaway camp with your kid’s camp counselor or at school from a professor who teaches porn literacy at Columbia College? Porn literacy, do the parental controls at Dalton prep ensure the porn categories on their laptops are only visible in Latin?   Forcing our kids to read porn categories in Latin, is one way to bring dead languages back to life in no time. It also ensures Dalton kids won’t be accused of Xenophobia for refusing to take a class trip to Vatican because they know what giving communion in the dark means in Latin. The main reason Dalton is teaching kids about masturbation and only allowing them to surf porn written in Latin, is because some catholic donor wants to make their Latin club great again. So his son can sprinkle his debates with more highbrow nicknames than Trump could ever belch out on Twitter like BAT SHIT CRAZY COVIDITUS PELOSI. Holla, thank you very much.

The teacher at Dalton claims the masturbations lessons in the animation video were misinterpreted. Because jerking off videos like Topless Tudors are so ambiguous.

In the masturbation video animated kids discuss how touching themselves, makes it point in the air. “So, Johnny, you ever touch yourself to Dora and feel the need to cover it with multiple backpacks? Holla, thank you very much.

Parents who send their kid to Dalton claim to be enraged over their kids being show masturbation videos in the 1st grade, but they want to remain anonymous, refusing to come out on Tucker Carlson out of fear of being kicked off Facebook or else they’d lose all showing off privileges.

Aren’t the parents who send their kids to Dalton high powered lawyers, hedge fund managers and plastic surgeons for trans teens reared on Lou Reed records, considered less disposable employees than the rest, assuming they shit in MAGA hats on company retreats in the Bahamas? And how does speaking out publicly against Dalton’s teachers sexualizing their kids age of innocence get somebody fired from a hedge fund in Connecticut bringing in 4 billion a year? Does office security yank you out of the executive corporate john, on the top floor, only to sing, “You don’t come around here no more.” Tom Petty lives, holla, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Everybody Tuning Out Chris

Chris Rock says the worst thing about the made in Wuhan virus, designed to wipe out large swaths of life, kill off the small business owner and any veneer of fair elections ever happing again, is being a faceless nobody in a mask for a whole year. I thought Chris Rock and Mary J Blige were the only black people who lives in Montclair, New Jersey according to Chris?

Didn’t he get to work on FX when the entire country was shut down and forced to pretend they enjoyed remote learning for their kids? While Jeffrey Toobin at the New Yorker, forced every Zoom meeting forward to start with, “For all you perverted, Jeffrey Toobin degenerates, raise your hands up high, where I can see them.”

Chris Rock missed being noticed. You could’ve looted a Target with no mask on Chris without fearing any career hampering restrictions. But you’re cool with Lebron and company taking a knee for the National Anthem, because guaranteed money in the NBA is so oppressive. Now, cops are Ice Cube’s best friend, since they’ve been unmasked as neutered gimps in the face of peaceful protests, resembling Public Enemy videos come to life. Fuck the police actually takes on a loving Motown feel now, to show how much you appreciate them taking a knee, because they’ll be caught dead wearing Nike sweats till their grave no matter what. I’m positive a looter would’ve taken a time out from snagging more high definition TVs to ask for your autograph Chris, without sweating the tossed salad man on the horizon. Especially since bail was eliminated, proving blue balls for men in blue don’t matter, because it’s impossible to maintain sustained stiffage, when bad guys are being rereleased by the time Deblasio wraps up his 2nd set of 10 pound curls at the Park Slope Y.

If Chris Rock wants his name to pack real heat again, he should befriend the head of BLM who just scored a cushy new TV development holding deal with Warner Brothers. He could host a new reality show for big money like, Lifestyles Of Rich Bitch, BLM Activists, holla, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Zionists In Bed With Groping Biden

Zionist boomers caught in bed playing around with the idea of voting for Biden again deserve to have their circumcised flap of discarded skin sewn back on their mouth.

And all those fake news Zionist boomers who refuse to condemn Hamas, Iran, the media, our Muslim Sisterhood in congress, the wealthiest avowed socialist of all time Bernie Sanders, and our Fire Crotch press secretary in charge of pushing more Jew blood libel because her boss is such a staunch supporter of Israel’s right to defend itself without using it’s defense weapons it paid for in it’s defense, have all been unmasked as the real big headed, hate filled extremist pricks through and through. Holla, thank you very much.

Zionist boomers who voted for Biden should be forced to donate their monthly social security checks to the PLO when DeSantis becomes our next president because they should be forced to pay the price for whole heartedly backing the terror hellbent on bombing whatever good will our country once had to offer into smithereens.

Zionist boomers who voted for Biden should hide in Burkas till they die. No amount of makeup or plastic surgery will ever erase the ugly hate they exude inside and out anymore. So what difference does it make? Hillary Hammer Time Cankles lives again. Holla, thank you very much.

Zionists who voted for Biden need to sue their shrinks who also suffer from severe Trump Derangement Syndrome for aggravated assault against their mentally deranged beyond repair psyches for siding with Terrorist groups launching nonstop rockets into Israel like they can’t rid of them fast enough. Who have less respect for human life than Planned Parenthood’s ironically detached name of business.

Zionists who voted for Biden are dumber than the rocks Palestinians threw at Israeli’s during the good old days before their top Presidential pick gifted them 200 million to afford big boy rockets designed to kill large swaths of innocent Israeli life, which even war mongers like Dick Cheney would consider the antithesis of child’s play.

Zionists who voted for Biden are scary dumb. Even W, took a break from eating glue and finger painting maimed Navy Seals he gave PTSD to after pushing Collin Powell to sell whatever shell of integrity he once possessed to mention on 1st leg of new book tour how Iran is the evil regime behind backing all the Hamas terror attacks against Israel in the 1st place before they ever would. Because baby boomer arrogance never dies.

You know you’re scary stupid for thinking Obama 2.0 on crack cocaine would have Israel’s back against terror attacks. Knowing Biden lives in Greenville, Delaware, whose state motto should be changed to, “Your Nazi gold is safe with us.”

Boomer Zionists who voted for Biden are responsible for World War 3 when Israel decides to wipe Iran off the map next time they try to send an intercepted drone to take out Amare Stoudemire’s big man camp in Tel Aviv. I love Amare Stoudemire. He embraced playing for the New York Knicks immediately when he came out as a Jew after signing his 200 million dollar contract with the Knicks. All of a sudden Amare proclaims, “I went on Ancestry.com, turns out I’m a black Hebrew like Lenny Kravitz and Slash. So I’m one of you now. My success is yours. Danny Shays. I fucked him, oh. I can’t take no more. Dice lives, holla, thank you very much.

The worst part of Boomer Zionists who voted for Mr. Groper is how none of them are experiencing buyers remorse whatsoever. Because A) They know the election was stolen, so their vote wasn’t in tune with America’s will in the 1st place, which should make them feel like 2 time dumb ass retards for thinking they knew the real pulse of America from watching CNN again and again while distancing themselves from their Trump supporting offspring like they could catch HIV from catching a glimpse of their MAGA hat after they went on a barebacking summer tour of She Males in Brazil for a real summer of love last summer. B) Boomer Zionists still believe the lie about white supremacists in this country being the main driving force behind unpunished violence in this country if you don’t criticize critical race theory, you cracker ass, wannabe slave holding motherfuckers.

Boomer Zionists think White Nationalism is responsible for all the domestic terror caused by BLM and ANTIFA this summer because after Obama got elected twice, 80 million Americans were in the midst of acting out a latent midlife white supremacist crisis. Don’t blame the FBI though for spending more time following the financiers of real terror in our country than they do shaving and scrubbing the police records of punisher vigilante wannabes in hoodies within ANTIFA, who never outgrew their pyromaniac phase.

Zionists who voted Biden will never admit they made a mistake. Instead, they’ll stick to playing Bridge and eating more Shrimp cocktail from Costco while Rachel Maddow praises Bernie Sanders for hating Israel more than his putz prone father. Who couldn’t teach him how to change a tire if his open tab at Katz Deli and nearby dry cleaners for perpetual spicy brown mustards stains was riding on it.

The same Bernie Sanders who on his application for the University of Chicago claimed to be part Native American Indian for their financial aid package before starting to major in Zionist Conspiracy Theories designed to turn Palestine into South Africa East.

Bernie sanders states in his college application for financial aid, “My dad is part Cherokee. Why else would his childhood friends make him an Indian whenever they played Cowboys and Indians by nicknaming my putz prone dad on the run from the white man, “Trips on Curbs.” Name another Jew in the sixties who refused scalped tickets to see Simon and Garfunkel in Forrest Hills after the Graduate broke big? Name another picky Jew who asks for the Buffalo Burger menu at Katz? Still not convinced, my dad, Trips on Curbs isn’t a native American Indian Jew? The man could drink Hillary under the table on an empty stomach after breaking his fast on Yom Kippur. You don’t think Hillary is deplorable, fall down drunken bitch? Then, why on the last leg of her past campaign tour, if you want to call it that, Hillary look more unbalanced than Hunter’s checkbook? That woman is less stable than Sarah Silverman after Global Warming destroys more pot crops in the US than Trump banning Neil Young from performing at Farm Aid.

It’s hard to get your proud Jewish daughter who draws Stars of David everywhere to start Hebrew school next year, if she learns that the Rabbi in charge voted for the candidate who enables terrorist trust fund babies like the Crimson Guard Commanders from GI Joe.

How do I sell my daughter on embracing their antizionist education there again? I might as well concede, “Israel’s critics are right. Hitler had the right idea after all. Rabbi Pushoverstein would’ve drawn a map for the Gestapo to find Anne Frank if they let him snuggle up with some Cookie Crisp cereal and bunch of Carrie Bradshaw books under a roaring fire next to the ovens, as Russ and daughters ashes blew in the wind as their dreams of selling smoked Nova for a living on the Lower East side went up in smoke.

Zionists who voted for Biden are lost souls without a cause. I don’t see the original Super Jew Jesus Christ being in such a forgiving mood these days either.

Michael Kornbluth

Reimagining Cuomo Book Titles

Did you know Jared Kushner talked Dad out of Motley Crue playing at his inauguration because he insisted Tommy Lee looked too Alt-Rightish. Later he adds, “And my Hebrew Hammer can’t compete Dad.” Holla, thank you very much.

A leadership book by Cuomo carries less impactful weight than a Stacy Abrams romance novel, especially after she ditches the fat suit for a parachute jumper on casual Friday. Holla, thank you very much.

Knowing how New York State boasted the highest death rate of any US state, largely due to Cuomo’s policy of forcing sick old patients with COVID to shack up with other sick old New Yorkers older than Yiddish, to die, cursing the Italian Reptilian inside against their dying of the light, it’s time to reimagine new book titles for the thug in Armani, don’t you think? If Cuomo’s lucky, he can win another Emmy with a TV show on Netflix in his honor based on these killer, headline hooker titles alone. Let the alt righting book title reimagining being.

  1. That slut Blanch from the Golden Girls was going to die from a urinary track infection anyway. Wait a minute, in Florida she’d still be alive to suck a golf ball through a garden hose for another day, my bad.
  2. Ben Stiller thinks I’d play a convincing mob boss in a remake of the Goonies because I look like Mama Fratelli and the Thing had a baby. Wait a minute, who wrote this shit for me, Joan Rivers. I thought that annoying, Jew bitch was six feet under already for insisting Michelle Obama let it flop around on Ellen like she he don’t care. Joan lives. Holla, thank you very much.
  3. Trump’s shipped in hospital beds were just for show. Who cares if they got less touches than a bible at a bathhouse colony in Provincetown?
  4. I got Chris Rock to do a mask up PSA in my honor despite President Trump helping push prison reform to give his people new leases on life. I just gave BLM more rope to hang themselves with within the court of a public opinion.
  5. I destroyed the greatest city in the world in 14 months flat. What have you done with your life, besides wish the big, bad blond wolf could give me a nipple twister under the comment section on the Gateway Pundit?
  6. Born to Kill like Anthony Gnocchi.
  7. Vince Lombardi Lives
  8. Thugs in Armani Matter
  9. Broadway Blue Balls
  10. Andrew Black Eyes
  11. Destructive Mook Knows Best
  12. No, I Won’t Jump Off My Own Bridge.
  13. Reckless Endangerment Is Good
  14. Hijacking Hydroxychloroquine. Cuomo confiscated the entire supply in NY for his own personal stash and banned Doctors from prescribing it because the Italian Reptilian Inside had a surplus of body bags to fill, never mind.
  15. How to Kill Without Throwing Granny Off The Train
  16. From Good Too Imprisoned for Highly Avoidable Crimes Against Humanity.
  17. The Ponzi Push of Death
  18. The Art of Getting Away With Granny Choking On Her Pasta Fazool, metaphorically speaking.
  19. Too Big for Late Term Abortion
  20. Why I’m Smarter Than Tony Soprano
  21. Eating Meatballs Alone On Death Row
  22. The Hit Man’s Dilemma Around Real Made Men Tough Guys
  23. How to Get Banned From Rao’s For Life
  24. Dysfunctional Democrats Always Win Last

Michael Kornbluth

Follow The Vaccine Body Count

If Obama could ball. Then, why did he ride the bench at an all Asian private school in Hawaii?

I wanted to marry my wife in her native homeland of Australia. Mom says, “Australia is a long flight from New York. And your father doesn’t love you that much.”

Later, I console my wife and say, “Assuming we have a boy one day, we can hire Crocodile Dundee for the circumcision. Just so we can hear a room full of Jews say, “Now that’s a knife. You can chop it all off with that thing.”

US troops are being denied earned leave without getting their vaccination 1st. On the upside, less Navy servicemen will get pricked by the barebacking ghost of Allen Ginsburg during Fleet Week. Holla, thank you very much.



The Indian Health Ambassador and former comedian gets his COVID vaccine live on TV to show everyone how safe it is and dies 2 days later. I hope the former comic is reincarnated as anal warts inside Dr. Fauci’s hell hole colon.

The Indian comedian should’ve stuck to killing with arranged marriage material instead. Former Indian comedian says, “It’s easier to get your wife into anal if you’re pushed into marrying one caste beneath you. Holla, thank you very much.”

Dr. Cole says we’ve seen more deaths from the COVID shot than all vaccines in the last 20 years combined, adding, “Morally just Wuhan Lab assistants have longer shelf lives after interview spots with Tucker Carlson.”

Dr. Cole, another outspoken critic about the ineffective practice of lockdowns also says since the dawn of man, “We’ve never quarantined the well.” Adding, “Look how well Dave Chapelle turned out after his walkabout sabbatical in Africa, using only bush dirt weed to fight off killer Mosquitos the size of Aids quilt blankets.”

Vaccinated people still wearing a mask is like Cookie insisting Magic wear a rubber snuggling up to The Inside Guys on TNT.

The Sopranos finale would be better if Meadow got to play the prosecutor in the George Floyd case and in her closing statement state, “How did all lives matter become the new n word?” Holla, thank you very much.”

2 female college students got kicked out of Amherst College for not wearing a mask from a photograph taken on campus. When did liberal art colleges become no go zone areas for Muslim housewife property during Ramadan?

Bartender looks at my wife’s credit card during our sweaty sex period before we got married and says, “Duffy, like me.” I reply, “Why don’t you 2 open a bar together and live happily ever after?” Holla, thank you very much. 

I’m so tired of hearing the NY is coming back pitch. These days, Jews feel less welcome in New York City than critical BLM theories.

Michelle Obama says, “You want to hang out with us. Get your vaccine, gardeners from Honduras excluded. Just don’t Instagram any of Obama’s pot plants Pancho, got it. He likes to puff with Malia and her friends during summer break to feel like a fake news bi-racial Bob Marley.”

Michael Kornbluth

Bad Boy Soy Boy Strikes Back

Once upon a time there was a biracial Korean and Jewish kid from the Riverdale section of the Bronx named Steven Park, who his friends called Bad Boy Soy Boy for unleashing his Nunchucks of fury at a block party on a bunch of black gangbangers who wore the same wife beater, corn rows and cut off jean shorts, looking like they were dressing up for Coolio Appreciation Day, who dared to call him a COIVD chink in his midst ever again, as he cracked one skull in 2 after another without breaking a sweat in a NY Minute. Son of Sam in the seventies was scary no doubt, but the surge in hate crimes against Jews and Asians in the boogie down Bronx Jersey City around the Island of Manhattan were at an all time high with no relief or added protection in sight.

Cops today, were younger, softer, and far less hardcore than their 9/11 predecessors, nobody in the force today has the balls to make on the side like 99 percent of the force in the movie Serpico. Bail was banned in NY, garbage filled the streets, rats grew the size of Lena Dunham during Restaurant Week after challenging Leslie Jones to a Junior’s Cheesecake off. But even these woke large in charge funny woman, couldn’t believe what a scary shithole their cherished concrete jungle of yesterday had become in 4 years flat.

Crazy talk slogans punctured the air such as, “Ban ICE”, because homeland security was so weapons of mass destruction years. It’s no excuse to mug Chinese grandma in Chinatown, yet the Wuhan made virus, had made New Yorkers at large crazier than ever, placing misplaced faith in a news media hellbent on feeding more unregulated hate and fear into the nation about black men in America being America’s most hunted, despite not one enlightened BLM member encouraging their fellow brothers to just stop resisting arrest, God forbid.

Every day, Bad Boy Soy Boy worked at his parents deli in the South Bronx, despite living in the leafier, more snuggle soft confines, of Riverdale in the Bronx, where abandoned torched, burnt down buildings to salvage a semblance of ROI from the insurance company were less common than a B plus Korean student at Bronx Science.

Bad Boy Soy Boy had to bite his lip at the deli every time some brother would come in there talking endless shit, yelling, “COVID Chink, this, COVID Chink that,”, despite him being fucking half Korean and half Jewish. It didn’t make a difference because cum bucket dumpsters such as Cardi B today were deemed heady, culture enriching, poets from the street, whose gaping, sloppy 3rds snatch couldn’t be beat, allegedly.

But one day Bad Boy Soy Boy, decided enough was enough, so he opened a medicinal speakeasy weed milk bar in Bergen, New Jersey as a front to offer Nunchuck self-defense classes for Asian Americans based in any of the 5 boroughs willing to make the schlep to fight for their life to live out the protracted, rapidly fading American dream with a semblance of peace of mind as they raged, raged against the dying of the light. Dylan Thomas lives, holla, thank very much.

Now, Bad Boy Soy Boy’s Self-Defense Nunchucks Of Fury class, became the number one tourist destination in Bergen history, not that there was stiff competition in this department. But Bad Boy Soy Boy had a college roommate from UPENN who he’d talk to on the phone every day who worked as a rock star chef for a Korean food truck in old city in Philly, known for their Korean eggroll cheesesteak hot pocket breakfast treats that had to invest in a bullet proof vest covered food truck in what was once the only really safe area in Philly outside of center city on Chestnut street. But safe spaces for Asian Americans were now deader than Jeremey Lin’s chances of gracing the cover of Sports Illustrated 7 times in a row again, especially since JR Smith bitched to Knicks management about the golden child Harvard grad who plopped in their lap out of the freaking blue, because he was hogging the Garden spotlight and bike lane all for himself.

Asian Americans including Koreans, Japanese, Chinese, who never bothered to study martial arts, thinking, it wasn’t necessary to learn from 1994 to 2020, were flocking to Bad Boy Soy Boy’s Self-Defense Nunchucks Of Fury class. Bad Boy Soy Boy’s grandfather, Michael Kornbluth was a Holocaust survivor because when all the brown shirt ANTIFA members of their day banned guns, he used his own Nunchucks of fury gifted to him from his Korean father in law, and cracked NAZI skulls hyped on crystal meth all his way to freedom from Nazi persecution in NY to later establish a family of his own with his former reflexology wife therapist as a proud 1st generation deli owner, getting Jewish New Yorkers hooked on Kimchee for more reasonable outs to ever slip their wife the tongue ever again. Both young and old Asian Americans no longer had to live in helpless, paralyzed fear, all thanks to Bad Boy Boy Soy Boy teaching them the infinite beat down possibilities, using the all mighty Nunchuck strikes of fury to ensure they were never fucked with again in the name of the COVID Chink virus or not, because Bad Boy Soy Boy was on a mission from God to prove Bruce Lee’s weapon of choice, is nothing to fuck with.

The End

Michael Kornbluth

The Yoga Scout

The Yoga Scout enters a wine shop and locates his prey, a handsome white dude, most likely in his mid-thirties, trying to figure out what wine to get. Yoga Scout goes in for the kill and says, “Buying wine for your wife again because you have a hard time expressing how much you’d prefer she do core exercises with her Peloton app instead?” Married white guy says, “How did you know? Wine Shop owner approaches, “Anything in particular, you’re looking for? Yoga Scout’s eyes remain locked on his prey and says, “Ignore the wine merchant of death. She doesn’t care about making your sex life above average again, I do.”

Wine Shop Owner says, “How dare you?” Yoga Scout continues to focus his eyes only on his prey and fires back with, “We’re in the middle of a conversation. I’m in the process of offering a new lease on life. All  you offer is boring talking points from Tucker Carlson. So, with all due respect, I’d like to help save what remains of this man’s flagging sense of independence. Pretend you care about another customer’s interior life while we wrap up our bonding session here. I’m not your sigh heavy husband, who has to act content with your indifference to high stepping out of those spanks from more box jumps in the yard after your done pushing more artificial love juice into sour relationships, which reached their expiration date ions ago lady.”

The Wine Shop Lady rolls her eyes and returns behind the cash register as a new customer enters, who’s a pretty faced gal, most likely in her early forties, who shoots a warm, semi flirty smile at the Yoga Scout as she enters inside, which he feels from behind the back of his head, because his 3rd eye is open to eye sensations from every direction imaginable.  The Yoga Scout resumes his pitch, “Look, I know you’re buying wine for your wife because you strike me as more of an IPA guy for starters, despite your complete lack of facial hair, 2nd hand cloths or visible tats straining for hardcore Indie cred respect. More importantly, I’ve been in your shoes before, married, constrained, worry laden because you share more in common with your 9-year-old daughter than your own wife, who has done everything in her power to depreciate your relationships with your family and old friends because she’s always struggled with accepting how much joy others are capable of giving you without her presence.”

Middle aged white dude says, “Are they doing a remake of Candid Camera again?” How do you know so much about me already? Or am I really that much of an open book on depression? Also, do you realize that pretty face gal who just came inside was giving you the yummy eyes the moment she came in the store? The Yoga Scout says, “Of course I did, my 3rd eye feels all lusty awe. More importantly, do you long for greater flexibility in your life? Do you fantasize about doing what you want to do to satisfy your own shot at fulfillment on this earth, which more often than not, doesn’t include your wife these days?” Middle aged dude says, “Is Coors Light the pounding beer of choice in Daytona Beach on Spring Break because it’s lightweight and easy to inhale in rapid succession like miniature yenta breath sorority girls from the University Of Buffalo. Personally, I wish they’d make a toothpaste that tastes like Coors Light, so I don’t taste anything afterwards.”

The Yoga Scout exudes a booming laugh, which shakes the pricier, magnums of 1st growth Bordeaux on the walls a little bit. Middle aged guy says, “That’s the loudest laugh I’ve ever heard in my life. It was on par with a room full of black guys in the audience on Def Comedy Jam after Bernie Mac came out and said, “I ain’t scared of you motherfuckers, which set off a bomb of cataclysmic motion of high-flying legs and flailing arms in every direction, which screamed touchdown.”

The Yoga Scout says, “My throat Chakra is clear as Times Square on News Years Day. So, I have no problem projecting with mountainous echo feeling.” Middle aged dude says, “Are you a yoga instructor? I learned about Chakra’s when I used to live in LA. My psychic there told me I should’ve been a big-time comedy writer already but had to pay 2 grand to clear my Chakras 1st, because they were more clogged than my freshman one hitter. Although, one unplanned kid later and with me still working as a journeyman IT agency headhunter, whose more of a trickler than a consummate rainmaker, not too much has changed since. Wearing sandals in the dead of the winter in addition to your Spread Eagles tank top should’ve told me you were in the Yoga business. It looks my 3rd eye needs much greater opening than I thought after all.”

The Yoga Scout says, “I do teach Yoga, hot naked yoga after dark to be exact. But I’m also a single dad, who was tired of living in his head, but that desire alone, wasn’t enough for me to stretch myself outside my comfort zone for a change. It took my 7-year-old daughter at the time to buy me some yoga classes from her Lavender cupcake bakeoff sale at school, which made me realize how much I need pretty feet in life for nirvana on earth to help me heal my jaded heart for denying myself that scrumptious, inhalable pleasure for so long. There’s no bunions in my yoga class, Spread Eagles.”

Middle aged dude says, “How can you provide a no-bunion guarantee?” Does your third eye possess x ray vision to? The Yoga Scout says, “You know how normally you can tell if a woman tastes good or not? Well, the more hot naked yoga you do after dark, in a candle lit room with In A Silent Way by Miles Davis on, the more in touch you become with your powers of intuition. Plus, anyone who enrolls in a hot naked yoga class, is most likely bunion free. Plus, I offer a full month membership refund if they do. My Spread Eagles hot naked yoga classes after dark is full of many single men moaning to. I wanted to create a safe space mixer for divorcees to meet without having to go through all the drawn-out time suck charade of having to wine and dine each other 1st, because when you’re a single dad or mom, who has the time for that bullshit anyway. Also, if you sign up for my class it means you no have no problem with your fellow classmates objectifying your body knowing how much my Spread-Eagle line of scented lubes and yoga mats with my signature spread eagle logo of spread legs with picture perfect toes fly off the shelves to.” More importantly, my class helps heal the trauma of repressed rage and latent sexual tension, which has been held imprisoned by shame and guilt for way too long. Our motto at Spread Eagles is, “Moaning Is Good, Sighing Is Bad, because when you moan for pleasure, it means whatever you’re doing, is making your body come alive because it hurt so good. John Cougar Mellencamp lives holla, thank you very much.

Middle aged guy says, “Do you have a yoga studio nearby? Croton, Falls NY isn’t a bastion of after hours hot naked yoga studios last time checked on Yelp.” The pretty faced 40 something gal approaches The Yoga Scout and says, “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but overhear you 2, but do you teach Yoga at Spread Eagles in the city. My best friend met her latest and greatest boy toy there at your Tribeca location I think.” Middle aged guy says, “Waite a minute, I thought only divorcees were invited to attend.” The Yoga Scout says “There’s more fucked up feet out there than you’d think. So, in the true spirt of compassion and love for variety, Spread Eagles does everything in its power to spread the love.”

Michael Kornbluth

Whatever Works Woody

Did anyone see Woody Allen’s last film about an older than dirt creep, who bangs a girl half his age? I think it was prequel called, Crimes and Misdemeanors, The Early Years.

Did you know Woody Allen kept naked polaroid pics of a 9-year old Soon-Yee in his top sock drawer? The only pic missing was Soon-Yi crying on the cover of Time Life Magazine.

Also, if Ronan Farrow is Frank Sinatra’s son, and he really believes Woody molested his kid sister Dylan, then why hasn’t Mia Farrow’s son hired a goon from Hoboken to knock Woody Allen on his ass yet?

Michael Kornbluth