Tag: Manhattan

Reimagining Cuomo Book Titles

by doitalldadyear, posted in culture, entertainment, family

Did you know Jared Kushner talked Dad out of Motley Crue playing at his inauguration because he insisted Tommy Lee looked too Alt-Rightish. Later he adds, “And my Hebrew Hammer can’t compete Dad.” Holla, thank you very much.

A leadership book by Cuomo carries less impactful weight than a Stacy Abrams romance novel, especially after she ditches the fat suit for a parachute jumper on casual Friday. Holla, thank you very much.

Knowing how New York State boasted the highest death rate of any US state, largely due to Cuomo’s policy of forcing sick old patients with COVID to shack up with other sick old New Yorkers older than Yiddish, to die, cursing the Italian Reptilian inside against their dying of the light, it’s time to reimagine new book titles for the thug in Armani, don’t you think? If Cuomo’s lucky, he can win another Emmy with a TV show on Netflix in his honor based on these killer, headline hooker titles alone. Let the alt righting book title reimagining being.

  1. That slut Blanch from the Golden Girls was going to die from a urinary track infection anyway. Wait a minute, in Florida she’d still be alive to suck a golf ball through a garden hose for another day, my bad.
  2. Ben Stiller thinks I’d play a convincing mob boss in a remake of the Goonies because I look like Mama Fratelli and the Thing had a baby. Wait a minute, who wrote this shit for me, Joan Rivers. I thought that annoying, Jew bitch was six feet under already for insisting Michelle Obama let it flop around on Ellen like she he don’t care. Joan lives. Holla, thank you very much.
  3. Trump’s shipped in hospital beds were just for show. Who cares if they got less touches than a bible at a bathhouse colony in Provincetown?
  4. I got Chris Rock to do a mask up PSA in my honor despite President Trump helping push prison reform to give his people new leases on life. I just gave BLM more rope to hang themselves with within the court of a public opinion.
  5. I destroyed the greatest city in the world in 14 months flat. What have you done with your life, besides wish the big, bad blond wolf could give me a nipple twister under the comment section on the Gateway Pundit?
  6. Born to Kill like Anthony Gnocchi.
  7. Vince Lombardi Lives
  8. Thugs in Armani Matter
  9. Broadway Blue Balls
  10. Andrew Black Eyes
  11. Destructive Mook Knows Best
  12. No, I Won’t Jump Off My Own Bridge.
  13. Reckless Endangerment Is Good
  14. Hijacking Hydroxychloroquine. Cuomo confiscated the entire supply in NY for his own personal stash and banned Doctors from prescribing it because the Italian Reptilian Inside had a surplus of body bags to fill, never mind.
  15. How to Kill Without Throwing Granny Off The Train
  16. From Good Too Imprisoned for Highly Avoidable Crimes Against Humanity.
  17. The Ponzi Push of Death
  18. The Art of Getting Away With Granny Choking On Her Pasta Fazool, metaphorically speaking.
  19. Too Big for Late Term Abortion
  20. Why I’m Smarter Than Tony Soprano
  21. Eating Meatballs Alone On Death Row
  22. The Hit Man’s Dilemma Around Real Made Men Tough Guys
  23. How to Get Banned From Rao’s For Life
  24. Dysfunctional Democrats Always Win Last

Michael Kornbluth

Fago The Great

by doitalldadyear, posted in celebrity, entertainment, writing

In Woody Allen’s memoir, Little Jew Balls. No, I mean Crimes and Misdemeanors, the Early Years. No, Curse of Christina Tightchoochie. No, Too Bad Soon-Yi doesn’t have any twin sisters. No, Yellow Tail at home over Streetcar Named Desire on Broadway. No, Husbands and Epstein’s friends on Facebook. No, Everything You Wanted To Know About Judges Who Love My Movies who have no problem releasing Illegal immigrant rapists just jailed by ICE agents, primed for deportation, because Homeland Security is so passe and Weapons of Mass Destructions Years. No, Midnight In Soon-Yi after offering Mia’s babysitter the Chamomile Cosby Tea special. No, Nipples That Taste Like Spring Soft Seaweed Never Sour Pussycat. No, Don’t Wear Makeup Soon-Yi because you’ll look older than I want you to already. No, it’s Mia’s Bananas for insisting Frank Sinatra fathered Ronan or else Frank’s goon squad would be off the races and I’d be sleeping next to a decapitated Secretariat. No, Shoot The Ping Pong Ball Out Your Snatch Again one more time, to help my dear friend Dick Cavet snap out of his crippling depression or else you can’t be sent back to that orphanage in Laos where Mia plucked you out of dirt poor obscurity SOON enough. No, Small Time Sleepover Crooks. No, Love and My Private Geisha, who’s allergic to Oxy Pads, so she remains forever adolescent young in my eyes. No, Soon-Yi’s Interiors read, Me So Horny, for Woody’s Wood Only. No, Manhattan’s Top Pubescent Publicist. No, Star Fucker Memories. No, A Midnight in Mariel Hemingway’s Cubbie Hole at Dalton Prep Elementary. No, Broadway Danny Knows, Blown Up Actress Snatch Blows, No, Celebrity Teen Snatcher Immunity. No, Another Happy Ending. No, Manhattan Murdering Hymens. No, Mighty Mouse Allen. No, Everyone Says I Rocked The Cradle Of Love With You. No, Deconstructing Eating Chinese In, without having to order in,  versus scarfing down more veal piccata at Elain’s again. No, Sweet and Sour Lowdown on being charged with culturally appropriating Somalian pirates taking a dip into in the hymen jacking game throughout the Caribbean next to Lolita Island. No, Soon-Yi Love Triangle Dream With Lucy Lu. No, Whatever Works To Give You Sustained Stiffage Through The Night. No, To Rome With an Elite Yelper On Yelp. No, Blue Balls Has-Been. No, Magic in Soon-Yi Fondling My Thinking Balls during my downtime between shooting pics. No, Irrational Prude Rubes. No, Café Polanski, Got My Back Society. No, its, Festivals Of Won Ton Suds In My Mouth. That’s it, in Woody Allen’s memoir, Festivals of Won Ton Suds In My Mouth, he repeats a quote by Emily Dickenson when stating, “The heart wants what the heart wants.” Or in Woody Allen’s case, this means a bunch of stuck together old Polaroid shots of a half-naked 9-year-old Soon-Yi. The only pics missing from Woody’s collection was the one of Soon-Yi crying on the cover of Time Life Magazine, Challah. Fago The Great lives, to dump on another funny man celebrity of his day. With some luck, The New Yorker will print my flaming funny prose in the Shouts & Murmurs section by May.

Michael Kornbluth

Less Garbage Lines

by doitalldadyear, posted in poetry, sports, writing

What’s up with black guys sporting masks outside of Whole Foods in Scottsdale, Arizona?

Yolanda yells, “Wear the damn mask.”

Black guy says, “Are black Karens in Arizona even a thing?”

Yolanda yells back, “I used to live in Ridgefield, CT, motherfucker”  

Challah, thank you very much.

Fuck Jerry West for crying about his depiction in Showtime on HBO.

Your life hasn’t been blessed enough Jerry?

Deep down, what he really hates is how it reminds everyone how he made it to the NBA finals 10 times and only won once while having Elgin Baylor and Wilt Chamberlin on his side. That’s a worst losing percentage than Hillary, every time she nominates herself for Woman of The Year despite it being the drunken druid edition or not.

And fuck Kareem for bitching about his sour puss depiction in Showtime on HBO. Airplane Cameo or not, Kareem is less likeable than Hillary Hammer Time Cankles on the rag out of Chardonay again with Whole Foods closed for Easter. At least, Hillary pretends to smile for the cameras despite the umbilical cord smoothie ripping apart her innards during a slow DNC fundraising month.

And fuck Magic for going on talk shows, bragging about not bothering to see the Showtime Lakers show on HBO as if it’s beneath him like wearing condoms since he made HIV disappear. But Magic had no problem taking a smile happy pic with the Governor of California, Gavin Getko at the Rams playoff game. Despite the sunshine scurrying state descending into a sprawling tent city sponsored by REI. But seriously, why does Magic sweat the prospect of watching the show about his showtime Lakers on HBO so much? You’d think the big cliff hanger was finding the cookie jar where Cookie hides Magic’s HIV pill suppressor stash if he’s caught scoring his brown sugar fix outside his Bel Air estate again.

And fuck Will Ferrell for ending his lifetime friendship with Adam McKay because he casted John C. Reily to play Dr. Buss over the dad in the Lego Movie. Dr. Buss was a major pussy hound in real life, which I don’t see Will Ferrell pulling off as well after seeing a pic of his wife once. And I thought Boris Johson’s wife, required a mask on at all times, woof, woof. Shit, Dr. Buss used to share girls with Magic. But Will Ferrell won’t share a bungalow editing suite with Adam McKay anymore because he cut his precious ego in 2, boo-hoo.

And what’s up with black guys tagging buildings with Swastika’s in Manhattan these days? Adolph Eichman could never leap a building in a single bound, like Nate the Great. Assuming, that building was a tall stiff in the post season like Dwight Howard.

But seriously, black guys tagging buildings with Swatika’s in Manhattan makes no sense. Are these brothers still educating themselves on Hitler? Let me drop some knowledge bombs. The founder of Planned Parenthood, a major eugenics enthusiast, was Hitler’s divine inspiration to launch his master extermination party in the 1st place genius. And Five Percenters weren’t escaping Hitler’s final cut from his dream team Aryan squad, regardless of your God blessed killer flow on 36 Chambers, Wu Tang, Wu Tang, Challah. Thank you very much.

Plus, Nick Cannon, hip hop royalty, I think, has singled out Planned Parenthood on 97.1 with Funk Master Flex for killing off more future high risers than white man’s disease and smokable cocaine, otherwise known as crack, most likely developed by a Nazi Scientist for the Deep State, as a part of their own final solution to ensure the poor don’t get on up to jack shit. That 2-state Kill “Em All solution, Metallica lives, being kill off poor blacks with crack and poor whites with meth. And if that doesn’t get the job done. Unleash the MAGA bat from Wuhan to finish off the rest. Challah, thank you very much.

But seriously, black guys tagging buildings in Manhattan with Swastikas is beyond ass backwards. That’s like Cardi B pretending her chicken nugget stuffed snatch is superior tasting to slurping German resiling all up in Hedi Klum’s innards to break your fast for Yom Kippur.

Imagine Guardian Angel Curtis Silwa catching a black dude tag another building with a swastika in Manhattan while trying to drop knowledge about what the swastika really means.

Curtis Silwa says, “Look, Curtis Blow, did you know the swastika was a Hindu symbol originally?”

Fake News Curtis Blow says, “What the fuck is a Hindu symbol?”

Curtis Silwa says, “Just think elephants with more dicks coming out it it’s ears than Cardi B on a slow Tuesday. Personally, I always thought the Swastika looked like 2 stick figures doing a 69 on crystal meth.”

Fake News Curtis Blow says, “You better back the fuck up fast, I ain’t no faggot. And what kind of fruity cap are you wearing anyway?”

Curtis Silva says,” It’s a beret. My father was a Green Beret in World 2, who was a Nazi destroyer in real life unlike those tweaked out wannabe punisher vigilantes in hoodies in ANTIFA. So, when you put a swastika on a building in Jew York, it offends the memory of my pops Curtis Blow.”

Fake News Curtis Blow says, “Why the fuck do you keep on calling me Curtis Blow?”

Curtis Silva says, “Curtis Blow was the 1st rapper to sign with a major record label from the Bronx, the birth of hip hop and condescending Jews, who expect immediate fawned upon service and guaranteed discounts on Mozzarella sticks while trying to impress his grandchildren at another mediocre restaurant in Scottsdale, Arizona, during Happy Hour.”

Fake News Curtis Blow laughs and says, “I don’t know what condescending means. But I can see how were more on the same team than apart.”

Curtis Silva extends his hand out and say, “Don’t keep me hanging, give me some love.”

Fake News Curtis Blow obliges and gives the legendary founding member of the Guardian Angels a semi firm, warm high five in return.

Curtis Silva says, “Look, if you really want to do some next level tagging shit, I’d start making your own logos, which aren’t culturally appropriated from Hindu Swami’s, English punk rockers and tweaked out Nazi’s, who make Hunter Biden come off a serial slack underachiever in comparison, Kapeesh.”

Less garbage lines, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Do It All Dad Does Radio City

by doitalldadyear, posted in comedy, entertainment, faith
At Costco, Karen screams, “Wear the damn mask.” I say, “Not until you suck the hate speech and white privilege out of my chosen schlong first. But I’ll make it easier for you Karen because I’m a giver, and not another greedy heeb like Bernie Sanders. Pretend Obama ordered you to leak it. Vermont should change their state motto from the Green State to CBD Oil Only. Bernie Sanders couldn’t even make Vermont great for potheads on vacation. Cuomo getting paid to write a book about leadership is like Woody Allen getting a book advance to write about a book about hands off parenting. If Google doesn’t manipulate search research results and actively censor right wing favoring content. Then, why is it harder to find positive mentions of hydroxychloroquine on Google, than it is to find a film blogger on Rotten Tomatoes who called the Irishman underrated? Also, is it me, or does Robert Dinero on the View these days, look like Betsy Ross falling apart at the seams? Masks prevent you from getting COVID. Yeah, and Joy Behar is the new Chief Happiness Officer for Breitbart. Dave Chappelle says black people have always wore masks in America. Stop acting like the Kardashians care about unmasking the size of Ben Simmons basketball IQ in the 1st place player. And if Obama is such a baller Chappelle, then why did he ride the bench at an all-Asian private school in Hawaii? What’s really hilarious Dave, is how your boy Lebron, America’s Most Hunted, AKA, King of The Persecution Complex, got the idea of wearing a fake news cast during the NBA Finals after Michelle Obama gave him the idea to do it, after she threatened to jam her arm up Obama’s ass if he ever offered Beyonce Paul Newman’s Lemonade over her homemade Kombucha ever again. And stop fronting Dave, you know Obama, not Trump is the one who loves Hitler. Obama wishes he was that organized. Mass extermination of every hook-nosed journalist, blogger or vlogger from Breitbart who dared to criticize his nuke gifting deal to Iran, would be a gas. I think my brand of weed, must make me more paranoid than Drama Queen Diaries. Obama Be Good  gave Iran 1.5 billion dollars to create overseas manufacturing jobs for Build a Bear, to make their economy, less reliant on the sale chest hair removal cream for the Kardashians. Just read about an all-Muslim girl prom in Detroit. So, the prom was like mine, pork free. Does Dave Chappelle do a bit in new act to prove he isn’t a black supremacist by posing the type of tweet Baby Face Omar would send on the anniversary of Amy Winehouse’s death to appease Democratic reps in congress who don’t like Israel being compared to Hamas? Like, “Something happened, to a beehive sporting, devil horn concealing, parasitical Jew bitch, who exploited the great Palestinian Songbook for all it was worth?”  If Dave Chappelle had the balls to say to his fellow brothers in the struggle to stop resisting arrest, all lives matter, wouldn’t be the new n word. Can I get a holla for some Challah?” It’s not my fault, I’m a funnier black Carlin than Chappelle could ever be. I was blessed with the supreme powered funnier Jew bone for a reason. Offended yet, then go woke yourself? Holla, thank you very much. Last, memo to the NY Times, if you fire 4000 rockets into Israel’s backyard. Don’t expect an edible arrangements gift basket in return, with a thank you note written in Farsi. I can’t work after sunset, Jewish God’s rules, but I’ll leave you with one final nugget of comedy gold for the road to prove I’m not greedy heeb or that Vince Vaughn isn’t the only big-headed asshole who’s louder than Busta Rhymes at a midnight showing of Higher Learning. If Joe Biden, AKA, Mr. Groper, got the most votes in US history, even more than your precious Obama Be Good, Chappelle. Then, Michelle Obama regretted pissing on the ceiling fan in the Lincoln Bedroom before Trump’s inauguration. Later that night, The Donald comments to Melania, “Is this what she-hulk meant, when she he said, when they go low, we aim high?” Joan lives. Thank you very much.  Michael Kornbluth

 

Bad Boy Soy Boy Strikes Back

by doitalldadyear, posted in culture, entertainment, family

Once upon a time there was a biracial Korean and Jewish kid from the Riverdale section of the Bronx named Steven Park, who his friends called Bad Boy Soy Boy for unleashing his Nunchucks of fury at a block party on a bunch of black gangbangers who wore the same wife beater, corn rows and cut off jean shorts, looking like they were dressing up for Coolio Appreciation Day, who dared to call him a COIVD chink in his midst ever again, as he cracked one skull in 2 after another without breaking a sweat in a NY Minute. Son of Sam in the seventies was scary no doubt, but the surge in hate crimes against Jews and Asians in the boogie down Bronx Jersey City around the Island of Manhattan were at an all time high with no relief or added protection in sight.

Cops today, were younger, softer, and far less hardcore than their 9/11 predecessors, nobody in the force today has the balls to make on the side like 99 percent of the force in the movie Serpico. Bail was banned in NY, garbage filled the streets, rats grew the size of Lena Dunham during Restaurant Week after challenging Leslie Jones to a Junior’s Cheesecake off. But even these woke large in charge funny woman, couldn’t believe what a scary shithole their cherished concrete jungle of yesterday had become in 4 years flat.

Crazy talk slogans punctured the air such as, “Ban ICE”, because homeland security was so weapons of mass destruction years. It’s no excuse to mug Chinese grandma in Chinatown, yet the Wuhan made virus, had made New Yorkers at large crazier than ever, placing misplaced faith in a news media hellbent on feeding more unregulated hate and fear into the nation about black men in America being America’s most hunted, despite not one enlightened BLM member encouraging their fellow brothers to just stop resisting arrest, God forbid.

Every day, Bad Boy Soy Boy worked at his parents deli in the South Bronx, despite living in the leafier, more snuggle soft confines, of Riverdale in the Bronx, where abandoned torched, burnt down buildings to salvage a semblance of ROI from the insurance company were less common than a B plus Korean student at Bronx Science.

Bad Boy Soy Boy had to bite his lip at the deli every time some brother would come in there talking endless shit, yelling, “COVID Chink, this, COVID Chink that,”, despite him being fucking half Korean and half Jewish. It didn’t make a difference because cum bucket dumpsters such as Cardi B today were deemed heady, culture enriching, poets from the street, whose gaping, sloppy 3rds snatch couldn’t be beat, allegedly.

But one day Bad Boy Soy Boy, decided enough was enough, so he opened a medicinal speakeasy weed milk bar in Bergen, New Jersey as a front to offer Nunchuck self-defense classes for Asian Americans based in any of the 5 boroughs willing to make the schlep to fight for their life to live out the protracted, rapidly fading American dream with a semblance of peace of mind as they raged, raged against the dying of the light. Dylan Thomas lives, holla, thank very much.

Now, Bad Boy Soy Boy’s Self-Defense Nunchucks Of Fury class, became the number one tourist destination in Bergen history, not that there was stiff competition in this department. But Bad Boy Soy Boy had a college roommate from UPENN who he’d talk to on the phone every day who worked as a rock star chef for a Korean food truck in old city in Philly, known for their Korean eggroll cheesesteak hot pocket breakfast treats that had to invest in a bullet proof vest covered food truck in what was once the only really safe area in Philly outside of center city on Chestnut street. But safe spaces for Asian Americans were now deader than Jeremey Lin’s chances of gracing the cover of Sports Illustrated 7 times in a row again, especially since JR Smith bitched to Knicks management about the golden child Harvard grad who plopped in their lap out of the freaking blue, because he was hogging the Garden spotlight and bike lane all for himself.

Asian Americans including Koreans, Japanese, Chinese, who never bothered to study martial arts, thinking, it wasn’t necessary to learn from 1994 to 2020, were flocking to Bad Boy Soy Boy’s Self-Defense Nunchucks Of Fury class. Bad Boy Soy Boy’s grandfather, Michael Kornbluth was a Holocaust survivor because when all the brown shirt ANTIFA members of their day banned guns, he used his own Nunchucks of fury gifted to him from his Korean father in law, and cracked NAZI skulls hyped on crystal meth all his way to freedom from Nazi persecution in NY to later establish a family of his own with his former reflexology wife therapist as a proud 1st generation deli owner, getting Jewish New Yorkers hooked on Kimchee for more reasonable outs to ever slip their wife the tongue ever again. Both young and old Asian Americans no longer had to live in helpless, paralyzed fear, all thanks to Bad Boy Boy Soy Boy teaching them the infinite beat down possibilities, using the all mighty Nunchuck strikes of fury to ensure they were never fucked with again in the name of the COVID Chink virus or not, because Bad Boy Soy Boy was on a mission from God to prove Bruce Lee’s weapon of choice, is nothing to fuck with.

The End

Michael Kornbluth