Far From Edgeless

Saw a garbage truck rider almost get side swiped today off the side of the road. He relinquished his rage by throwing the garbage in the truck with real fury. This is the life my mom was pushing for me, road kill in a red specked orange vest.

Int. Kids Bedroom
Stay At Home Comedian
Kids, in life, learn to trust your instincts on people.
If your gut ever screamed to you, they’re beneath you.
They are. Meaning, life is too short to waste on arrogant blowhards who remain the same.

Me
This is my impersonation of Russell Simmons. Read my lisp.
LA Bud
Yeah
Me
That was just the guaranteed laugh set up.
In barbecue every day, Dr. Dre land, are you banned from laughing at hip mogul’s speech impediments now?

I appreciate the sentiment but the mantra behind persistence pays off eventually from my vantage point is obvious. Plus, it underscores your unique brand of artistic machismo if you will. Which doesn’t rain down from Avocado trees either.

I really do appreciate the sentiment but the mantra behind persistence pays off eventually from my vantage point is obvious. Plus, it makes you feel like a more dedicated Jack Lemon without stealing the Glen Gary leads.

Memo to Peggy Noonan:
It’s Trump’s world now babe. Your puff pieces sucking the glory of Reagan’s yesteryear are over. Meanwhile, your life suck op-eds have been relegated to the NY Post. Salesmanship isn’t your forte. Know your lane.

Where does has been, running on Reagan year fart fumes, Peggy Noonan get off calling President Trump unserious, compared to denture breath Pelosi? One’s making sure MS-13 doesn’t get in again, the other is funding a welcoming mat with Golden Globe gift bags.

Melania is real classy. She posed in blah, blah, blah. Sorry Michelle isn’t as pose worthy. And Nancy Reagan was no Betty White back in the day either. But feel free to snicker at will. Hillary looks great in spanx as a 2 time loser though.

UX Designer Pal
Feminists will skin you for a book about falling for fatherhood.
Me
Fake feminists aren’t my target audience, especially childless, egg rotting, Flabia, hat girls into cock block parties dumpy enough to work in HR.

Good old fashioned title for new blog about my 2 sons,
“My Boyish Boys.” My son Samuel, AKA Headbangers Ball rocking his head up and down to Boston’s More than I’m Feeling on vinyl at 2 is a momentous place to start.

INT. CAR
Son
No music, can’t we talk?
Me
Whatever you say mama.

Me
Daughter asks. What do you always ask brown people about the Knicks?
I say. Because I care more about their basketball opinions.
LA Bud
My daughter doesn’t even see color anymore.
Me
Because you peddle bitcoin & remind her of Vin Diesel in Boiler Room?

When I heard C-3PO say” My programming prohibits me from acting like a Diety” in Jedi last night. I thought, too bad every bitch bot at CNN is programmed the same. Van Jones excluded. He’s a later stage Lando in my book, making amends.

LA Bud
My 1/2 Latino daughter doesn’t even see color anymore.
Me
Lucky for you, college admissions standards are different. American Chinese test scores carry zero sway. Even Brendan Fraser in School Ties would be screwed today.

Tofu the Terrible problem narrative redefined.
Matilda was scarred from her 1st date with Tofu the Terrible because he came across as too mushy. Always talking about his bland, dead weight conversationalist mother.

Tofu the Terrible narrative problem solution.
Tofu the Terrible proves to Matilda he’s a bad boy soy boy by taking her to a tanning salon for his 2nd state. Because tan soy boys look far less terrible.

Tofu the Terrible problem solution.
Tofu Terrible proves to Matilda he’s a bad boy soy boy after he has Chef Samuels light the tofu on top of his head with a blowtorch at a new vegan hot spot. Bad Boy Soy Boy tears off a piece and says try it.

Old Bud
Never lose your edge JK.
Me
I just got chills down my spine.
Feel like my Rocky training sequence after Adrian snaps out of the coma has just begun.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Stay At Home Dads Can Be Trophy Wives

Stay At Home Dads can be trophy wives without leaning on our wives for startup money to flip homes and spend anymore time with our retired contractor dads than we have to.

Daughter
Is your book going to look like this?
Buzz Kill Wife
Put the book back where it belongs my sweet.
Me
Sound more like your buzz kill blob mother babe.
Good to know you haven’t stopped believing though.

Bezos
Alexa, should I divorce my wife MacKenzie?
Alexa
Is she still modeling for Bud Light commercials?
Bezos
Those commercials were in the late eighties.
Alexa
Fine, then seek out tighter, new filling.
Leave me out of it already Micky.

Darth Vader is the Draymond Green of Jedi Knights. Instead of going toe to toe in a Light Saber match with Luke, Darth Vader hurls flying Death Star debris to throw Luke off his game instead. How low can you go Darth?

You know you’re wife doesn’t care about being a sexual object of desire anymore when she chooses to pluck her blond face hairs, bent over, out in the open in broad daylight. Knowing I can catch in her the act every time.

I love how every NBA Broadcaster under 40 feels compelled to be Lebron’s ego guardian protector like it’s some noble undertaking. He’s Obama with talent. Who only now made his school contributions public. Who was never as dominant as MJ, yay!

Lebron James would beat MJ in one on one because he moves better latterly is the weakest argument ever. Granted, he’s got plenty of experience getting out of the way for other superstars to close the deal for him.

I don’t even know why Scottie Pippen gives a measured response in relation to Lebron being the greatest. Well, MJ never had to compete against Lebron? Yeah, he had to enforce his will on Bird, Magic and the body slamming Bad Boys of Detroit player.

Caravan already sounds more dated than Lizard King, I can do anything. But keep fit in a 34 waist past Waiting for the Sun.

Daughter
Samuel is your new favorite.
Stay At Home Comedian
Just because Chef Samuels slays your fear of eating Tofu again after he fires up Tofu the Terrible with XO peanut oil. We call can’t be Pescatarian Heroes Matilda.

Anyone who wants to work can get a job in Trump’s economy. Exit packages from my stay at home dad stint with the possibility of zero parole on the horizon are flying out of my ass as we speak. Happy the economy is no longer anemic but chill people.

Anyone who wants to work can get a job in Trump’s economy. Sounds more presumptuous than recommended writer on the rise on my resume, with no agents or paying gigs in sight yet. Or maybe, I’m just being a paranoid, shadowbanned Jew about it.

 

Me sabotaging an interview for a blogger job at Infowars.
I’m a soy boy. Who says stay at home dads can’t be trophy wives to? I’m a soy boy. I never grew up. I’m a soy boy. I have no idea who the Eagles traded for Sean McCoy. I’m a soy boy. You will hire one, yes you will. And we can thumb wrestle all the time.

The End,

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Daddy’s German Au Pair Enthusiasm

My 7 Year Old Daughter mocking nacho flavor Cauliflower crackers.
They’re too forced pinko for my taste Dada.

Me flirting with a German Au Pair at the Kids U.
Do you use the word Hipster? Yah. I hear Berlin is more Hipster than Munich. She lights up, Yah. I assume Lena Dunham would still be a virgin in Germany. Yah.

I appreciate your enthusiasm screams, have fun at your Trump rallies. Until my impeachment fantasy comes true and musky Mueller is knighted with an Old Spice campaign in his honor. Too bad, Trump’s not sweating it babe.

If someone is adamant about you not pissing them off. It means you pissed them off royally. Especially, when you learn later about what garbage their Twitter feed is consumed with.

Once Mueller calls it quits and a wall is erected. Resisters will have only 1 year to recuperate before year 4 of Trump’s historic 1st term presidency. US troops coming home beats my mother’s in law’s go to sock gift, USA, USA, USA.

I appreciate your enthusiasm is what HR says to you. Because asking their husband if they want to hang out and talk is normally drowned out by their dumpy husband throwing on his noise canceling headphones soon after.

I appreciate your enthusiasm is a patronizing blow off. It screams, nice hat hick. What difference does it make? Is a close 2nd but not really.

INT. BARBER SHOP
Me
What was Meat Head Archie in the Polo fleece so miserable about?
Besides, my blond haired kids outshining his ginger white privileged squareness whole.

INT. BARBER SHOP Version 1
Barber
What’s your book about?
Me
Being a stay at home dad in the age of me to fake feminists.
Who uses aggressive toned comedy to fight back with.

INT. BARBER SHOP
Barber
What’s your book about again?
Me
Being a stay at home dad fighting for respect through the power of punchline driven prose about dads being more stimulating parent coaches than mom.

INT. BARBER
Me
I’m glad Serena Williams is on the cover of GQ for woman of the year. Because photo shopping Bobby Seal’s leather jacket from the Black Panthers on Collin Kaepernick would’ve been really forcing the issue.

Let me guess the #newinstagram allows you to filter out presumptive hate vibes produced by your driving selfies. In order to secure your safe space shelter immune from charges of narcissism gone wild.

My extended flirt exchange with a German Au Pair at the Kids U.

You’re from Germany. Do you hate Merkel? Who? Angela Merkel. Yah, people love her. But she was just forced to resign. She’s ok. Obama get’s the same downgrade treatment here.

HR asks me. Will commuting be an issue after being a stay at home dad? I say. After looking after 3 kids 3 summers in a row. My commute will feel like a 5 week rave in Germany.
I hear German men get 1 year of paid maternity leave yah? Au Pair says. But you have to be employed prior. So an HR Manager for SAP Germany would still see 3 gap years, not 2 for you.

Do you drink German wines? Yah, French ones to. But I’m only 19. Do you have a fake ID? Yah. Do you have house parties with other Au Pairs? No. I would’ve exploded in my pants if you said yes.
Is it possible for a kid you take care of to profess greater love for you than her own mommy? Yah. It’s happened to a friend of mine. Is she taller than you? Where do you hang out exactly?

Are most German girls tall like you? Yah, most men in America are much smaller than me though. You mean my people the Jews. Who hate how Trump towers over them in more ways than 1.

I read a parenting book that said German parents let their kids play with knives as early as 4. No, not you. I guess they were no extra circumcision knives lying around your parents pantry.
I hear German families let their kids play outside the house unsupervised. So parents have more free time inside to play with the Au Pairs themselves.

Me sabotaging my flirting session with a German Au Pair.

My Mother In Law only allows my 3 kids to have fun in her cramped, designated playroom downstairs. So she doesn’t hear the patter of happiness upstairs. Total Nazi Move, right?
The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Getting Love From Cancer

It’d be nice. Still, I can’t shake the idea of my mom blaming my early stages form of skin cancer from being a direct result of my excessive amount of outdoor play on the stay at home dad front. I don’t feel like such a sheltered bum now dad.

I don’t plan on telling my 3 kids because Cancer, Aids and 911 are off the list words of the day for now. In an ideal universe, I’d like to extend my kids enlightened age of existence as much as I can.

Thanks to Hillary Bot Huma lickers calling anyone who voted for Trump a Nazi. I’ve had to explain Hilter to my kids already. Failed art student. And the swat sticker art isn’t beautiful or deep. It just looks like a couple of a gay stick figures doing a sixty-nine on Crystal Meth.

Also, the form of skin cancer I got is Squamous Cell Carcinoma is highly treatable. Plus, it was detected early. So, I don’t have to sweat getting my finger amputated although that would make a solid start to my romantic comedy story, The Nine Fingered Foodie. Who eventually finds a hand in marriage, the end.

Of course, I told the wife about the skin cancer. So, I could give myself more generous pours from her fancy French Roses she’s been buying lately, feeling guilt free all the way.

Cancer scare, I don’t care about getting love from cancer. When I get to blast Hair Metal with my 3 tiny little head banger dancers on Spotify, assuming my nurse wife is working this evening.
Told my younger brother about having skin cancer because my wife said I’d feel less alone. But I have God in my heart and faith in knowing it’s not my time to part.

Getting love from cancer sounds like too much pressure to place on friends. Because true ones don’t need to make any forced last-minute amends.
Getting love from cancer isn’t for me. I’d rather smell the flowers more with more mystical zest. Knowing, God hooked me up with my wife and 3 kids because he knew it would bring out my writing best.

I never sought love from getting canned. Resisting pity love makes me you more of a man.

Cancer is cancer. And it can easily come back. But if I could do it again. I wouldn’t have told anyone offline to showcase my bigger sack.

By,
Michael Kornbluth