Fuck Weird, Weak Howard Stern

Howard Stern says. “Living under the Trump presidency feels like an alternative reality.” Howard always strained to sound forced deep. His best words of wisdom in his debut book Private Parts, was don’t go to prison. Hillary passed on the book Private Parts, in favor of Eat, Drink, Wheeze.

F weird weak Howard.
He thinks Hillary would’ve beaten Trump if she took the gamble and let him interview her. Because Huma Licker Breath came off so well on 2 Ferns. Lesbian Dial A Date would’ve loosened her up and made Hillary Hammertime Cankles come off as a less bloated, diabolical, power hungry bitch in no time.

F weak, weird Howard.
He came out to the Daily Beast as a diehard Hillary supporter. Because of her decades of public service. Name one accomplishment Howard? Besides, getting Jimmy Kimmel to turn your brain to mush
F weird, weak Howard.
Never would’ve bought his new book if I knew the reformed narcissist ever uttered the words “die hard Hillary supporter.” I thought Gary the Retard was mentally challenged. Your bullshit detector God, Lenny Bruce would be so proud.

F weak, weird Howard.

“Living under the Trump presidency feels like an alternative reality.”
Is that your PR man speaking through you Howard? So, Jimmy Kimmel still invites you for chicken parm dinners with Jennifer Aniston?

I love the bottled water she does commercials for, Smart Water. It adds extra bounce to my step. It makes me feel like Jennifer Aniston on the rebound.

F weak, weird Howard.
“He can’t stand his old narcissism.”
Going out of your way to kiss the Obama slobbering, gap toothed hick from Indiana on Late Night back in the day. I understand.
But without your old narcissism, you don’t throw legendary funerals for Imus and become the larger than life shock Jock who could afford to dump his wife backer of 20 plus years for your trans upgrade in Beth, all mighty satellite king. Also, why does your new wife Beth wear so much lipstick? Normally, so, so pretty woman wear makeup because they have less than flattering, ghoulish, manly features to hide.

F weird, weak Howard.

You paid the Rev Bob Levy a measly 100 dollars as a gag writer on your show. Still, you’ve got the gaul to bitch about the Rev Bob Levy giving lengthy plugs for his stand-up comedy shows on your radio show? Used to feed his family. And then insist he was fired from your show because you’re worse at giving credit where credit is due than the sour puss resistance faces at MSNBC, Unibrow Maddow included.

Hey Howard, this is Chris Mathews sexually harassing his new chesty intern for MSNBC. Eating out Maddow, counts as your lunch break babe.
If Howard Stern is cured of his all-consuming narcissism than why not give credit to the recent policy decisions resulting in our current Trumpian led boomtime economy?

If Howard really cared about being an evolved, non-discriminate ball buster he’d address the MSNBC assertion behind Obama being the US President responsible for the lowest unemployment rate in African American history but actually be funny about it and state.

Giving Obama credit for our current Dow Jones Highs is like giving Nino Brown credit for getting Pookie off crack and welfare in 1991.
You know New York has gotten soft. And how Howard’s gone even softer.
When the Silicon Valley lords of the universe at Twitter now exists to keep Howard’s 650-million-dollar ego, afloat, dent free.

Every other F weird, weak, Howard truth bomb joke read above was posted on Twitter earlier and got my account frozen every time. Now, I can’t even start new account because of my alleged “unsupported phone number.” Understand, I’ve started 42 new accounts over the past year to ensure my jokes get read and aren’t shadow banned again.

I would prefer if I just got a lifetime ban already from the Twitter Twat CEO Jack Dorsey. At least then, it would make an interesting talking point when I’m promoting my upcoming, self-published books this summer, Falling For Fatherhood and Stay At Home Comedian. Henry Miller had his books banned in America. I’d like to join such a prestigious club.
Howard regrets mentioning to Robin Williams how he left his ex-wife because he started to bang his nanny. But how else was Howard going to feel good about himself in the presence of an Oscar winning comedian?
Granted, the movie Private Parts loses its good guy encrusted, heart filled luster knowing Howard never stuck it out with the wife he achieved super stardom with. Who’s also the mother of his 3 kids, etc.
Howard also regrets asking Gilda Radner if Gene Wilder had a big penis? So, now that Howard is neighbors with edgeless, yenta breath, Seinfeld in South Hampton, he no longer works blue? We’re still talking about the same shock jock who thought Fart Man was needed in a major comedy advancing way to make Bill Hicks jealous in comedy heaven above?

Howard Stern Comes Again is a real headliner hooker of a book title Howard. I guess Beth comes again to Jimmy Kimmel’s Trump is bad, media is good monologue would’ve been overacting beyond her limited screen credits on IMBD.com.
Howard Stern Comes again is the worst title ever Howard. Why not name your book collection of celeb interviews, Tools Like The Unhuggable C Word O’Donnell, being proven wrong about Russian collusions tales with less legs than Lieutenant Dan?
Now Howard tells Terry Gross on NPR, how he started out in radio, only doing outrageous racial, sexual and religious material to entertain and enlarge his audience. Because he had concerns of not making a living. You were doing material you thought was funny Howard because that’s what you were judged on in addition to making your mark in less politically correct times. But keep on proving your incapable of less honest introspection than the Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein empowering, Jihadist hijacked NY Times dude.

Obama ruined Howard Stern. Add that to Obama’s illustrious list of accomplishments. Would the old school King Of All Media feel compelled to conduct an apology tour 25 years later otherwise?

Hey, Howard sound more like a double-talking FBI stiff James Comey and claim all your jokes, mostly written by others like from Jackie the Joke Man throughout the eighties and nineties we’re politically insensitive errors of judgment, lacking no real malicious intent whatsoever.

But Howard wasn’t done grossing out old school watchers of his Channel 9 show on NPR just yet. He added. “If I hadn’t grown and changed, I don’t know I could still be on the radio.” I’m sure that was Howard’s exact pitch when he resigned with Sirus XM radio for 90 mill a year.

If you hadn’t grown and changed Howard, you don’t know how you can still be on the radio? Becoming an old-world media establishment, high priced whore mouthpiece doesn’t reflect deep wowing evolution Howard. In reality, it’s a gargantuan, blatantly unnecessary, reversal of unapologetic funny. But hey, as long as Terry Gross on NPR is giving your book of interviews anybody can watch on YouTube, a favorable plug.
For all your tough talk Howard, you couldn’t handle a scrap of the 24/7 scrutiny our President endures between diet cokes, making NY flavored, ball busting great again. It could’ve been your legacy in a post fake news moralist grandstanding Obama universe, and you blew it.

Just when old school Stern loyalists like myself, couldn’t stomach any other new age drivel from Jerry Curl Crow Stubble Stern, he tells Terry Gross on NPR, his cherished superego/ID is “buried and dead.” But he still thinks the 30 million Sirus listeners could’ve swayed the election in Hillary Hammer Time Cankles favor if he only got to interview her about those deleted 30 thousand emails, including Yoga specials from Lulu Lemon and funeral arrangements in the woods, in case Chelsea Clinton’s husband decided to increase his asking price at the last sec.

Also, for legendary radio man, who made a living off aiming his comedic venom on those hypocritical, bullies in power. The fact Howard doesn’t unleash any justified venom at Trump supporter attacking ANTIFA, shadow government colluding Obama, fake news dossier financing Hillary, or on the treacherous FBI, deep state, you know Swamp Thing, signifies Howard’s title of World Heavyweight ball buster of the most deplorable, hilarious order is finished.

With KP gone, Louie’s show on FX over, Joan River’s daughter, pledging her support of Biden, the Yankees banning Kate Smith’s song of America the Beautiful, Madison Avenue being in bed with fake news fro Collin Kaepernick, The Giants trading away their only marquee personality, masters of the universe Bloomberg and Jamie Dimon at JP Morgan Chase being all talk but never showcasing the balls to take on the Big Donald on the national debate stage of ideas. My cherished New York City of old is so yesterday’s, meh, news. I was convinced Bloomberg was going to run against Trump during the last presidential election.
Then, Bernie Sanders had the DNC nomination stolen from him. So much for 2016 being the year for Atheist Jews.
But at least Park Slope’s sleepy prince of pompousness Bill De Blasio is being heckled in Trump Tower in the house that The Donald’s super ID built loud and proud. Too bad Howard’s introspective version of himself, doesn’t sound so loud and proud anymore. Between you and me, Howard no longer feels like the King of All Media, with Trump being Trump today. Above all else, that’s why Howard comes out with this book now to help solidify his good guy legacy. Meanwhile, there’s no way Howard ever works for free like our President, knowing what chump change he pays his writers to make him sound tougher than Dice.

Trump’s got great relationships with his drug free, non-hysterical children. And Baby Boomer arrogance never dies and that’s why so many other faded A list NY boomer celebs on the decline of cultural influence with less than stellar relationships with their own children, such as Robert Dinero and Alec Baldwin resent this beloved man of the people president, responsible for making ball busting great again, not weird weak Howard.
Reality update Howard, African Americans still got 99 problems, but President Trump isn’t one of them. I’m also more inclined to believe President Trump being the most pro African American President ever knowing how gang banger reformer, black pride incarnate, Jim Brown has his support over you. But at least you sold Terry Gross at NPR about burying your Super ID for good. Who sounds like the more laughable, Con Man now after all?

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Far From Edgeless

Saw a garbage truck rider almost get side swiped today off the side of the road. He relinquished his rage by throwing the garbage in the truck with real fury. This is the life my mom was pushing for me, road kill in a red specked orange vest.

Int. Kids Bedroom
Stay At Home Comedian
Kids, in life, learn to trust your instincts on people.
If your gut ever screamed to you, they’re beneath you.
They are. Meaning, life is too short to waste on arrogant blowhards who remain the same.

Me
This is my impersonation of Russell Simmons. Read my lisp.
LA Bud
Yeah
Me
That was just the guaranteed laugh set up.
In barbecue every day, Dr. Dre land, are you banned from laughing at hip mogul’s speech impediments now?

I appreciate the sentiment but the mantra behind persistence pays off eventually from my vantage point is obvious. Plus, it underscores your unique brand of artistic machismo if you will. Which doesn’t rain down from Avocado trees either.

I really do appreciate the sentiment but the mantra behind persistence pays off eventually from my vantage point is obvious. Plus, it makes you feel like a more dedicated Jack Lemon without stealing the Glen Gary leads.

Memo to Peggy Noonan:
It’s Trump’s world now babe. Your puff pieces sucking the glory of Reagan’s yesteryear are over. Meanwhile, your life suck op-eds have been relegated to the NY Post. Salesmanship isn’t your forte. Know your lane.

Where does has been, running on Reagan year fart fumes, Peggy Noonan get off calling President Trump unserious, compared to denture breath Pelosi? One’s making sure MS-13 doesn’t get in again, the other is funding a welcoming mat with Golden Globe gift bags.

Melania is real classy. She posed in blah, blah, blah. Sorry Michelle isn’t as pose worthy. And Nancy Reagan was no Betty White back in the day either. But feel free to snicker at will. Hillary looks great in spanx as a 2 time loser though.

UX Designer Pal
Feminists will skin you for a book about falling for fatherhood.
Me
Fake feminists aren’t my target audience, especially childless, egg rotting, Flabia, hat girls into cock block parties dumpy enough to work in HR.

Good old fashioned title for new blog about my 2 sons,
“My Boyish Boys.” My son Samuel, AKA Headbangers Ball rocking his head up and down to Boston’s More than I’m Feeling on vinyl at 2 is a momentous place to start.

INT. CAR
Son
No music, can’t we talk?
Me
Whatever you say mama.

Me
Daughter asks. What do you always ask brown people about the Knicks?
I say. Because I care more about their basketball opinions.
LA Bud
My daughter doesn’t even see color anymore.
Me
Because you peddle bitcoin & remind her of Vin Diesel in Boiler Room?

When I heard C-3PO say” My programming prohibits me from acting like a Diety” in Jedi last night. I thought, too bad every bitch bot at CNN is programmed the same. Van Jones excluded. He’s a later stage Lando in my book, making amends.

LA Bud
My 1/2 Latino daughter doesn’t even see color anymore.
Me
Lucky for you, college admissions standards are different. American Chinese test scores carry zero sway. Even Brendan Fraser in School Ties would be screwed today.

Tofu the Terrible problem narrative redefined.
Matilda was scarred from her 1st date with Tofu the Terrible because he came across as too mushy. Always talking about his bland, dead weight conversationalist mother.

Tofu the Terrible narrative problem solution.
Tofu the Terrible proves to Matilda he’s a bad boy soy boy by taking her to a tanning salon for his 2nd state. Because tan soy boys look far less terrible.

Tofu the Terrible problem solution.
Tofu Terrible proves to Matilda he’s a bad boy soy boy after he has Chef Samuels light the tofu on top of his head with a blowtorch at a new vegan hot spot. Bad Boy Soy Boy tears off a piece and says try it.

Old Bud
Never lose your edge JK.
Me
I just got chills down my spine.
Feel like my Rocky training sequence after Adrian snaps out of the coma has just begun.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Stay At Home Dads Can Be Trophy Wives

Stay At Home Dads can be trophy wives without leaning on our wives for startup money to flip homes and spend anymore time with our retired contractor dads than we have to.

Daughter
Is your book going to look like this?
Buzz Kill Wife
Put the book back where it belongs my sweet.
Me
Sound more like your buzz kill blob mother babe.
Good to know you haven’t stopped believing though.

Bezos
Alexa, should I divorce my wife MacKenzie?
Alexa
Is she still modeling for Bud Light commercials?
Bezos
Those commercials were in the late eighties.
Alexa
Fine, then seek out tighter, new filling.
Leave me out of it already Micky.

Darth Vader is the Draymond Green of Jedi Knights. Instead of going toe to toe in a Light Saber match with Luke, Darth Vader hurls flying Death Star debris to throw Luke off his game instead. How low can you go Darth?

You know you’re wife doesn’t care about being a sexual object of desire anymore when she chooses to pluck her blond face hairs, bent over, out in the open in broad daylight. Knowing I can catch in her the act every time.

I love how every NBA Broadcaster under 40 feels compelled to be Lebron’s ego guardian protector like it’s some noble undertaking. He’s Obama with talent. Who only now made his school contributions public. Who was never as dominant as MJ, yay!

Lebron James would beat MJ in one on one because he moves better latterly is the weakest argument ever. Granted, he’s got plenty of experience getting out of the way for other superstars to close the deal for him.

I don’t even know why Scottie Pippen gives a measured response in relation to Lebron being the greatest. Well, MJ never had to compete against Lebron? Yeah, he had to enforce his will on Bird, Magic and the body slamming Bad Boys of Detroit player.

Caravan already sounds more dated than Lizard King, I can do anything. But keep fit in a 34 waist past Waiting for the Sun.

Daughter
Samuel is your new favorite.
Stay At Home Comedian
Just because Chef Samuels slays your fear of eating Tofu again after he fires up Tofu the Terrible with XO peanut oil. We call can’t be Pescatarian Heroes Matilda.

Anyone who wants to work can get a job in Trump’s economy. Exit packages from my stay at home dad stint with the possibility of zero parole on the horizon are flying out of my ass as we speak. Happy the economy is no longer anemic but chill people.

Anyone who wants to work can get a job in Trump’s economy. Sounds more presumptuous than recommended writer on the rise on my resume, with no agents or paying gigs in sight yet. Or maybe, I’m just being a paranoid, shadowbanned Jew about it.

 

Me sabotaging an interview for a blogger job at Infowars.
I’m a soy boy. Who says stay at home dads can’t be trophy wives to? I’m a soy boy. I never grew up. I’m a soy boy. I have no idea who the Eagles traded for Sean McCoy. I’m a soy boy. You will hire one, yes you will. And we can thumb wrestle all the time.

The End,

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Daddy’s German Au Pair Enthusiasm

My 7 Year Old Daughter mocking nacho flavor Cauliflower crackers.
They’re too forced pinko for my taste Dada.

Me flirting with a German Au Pair at the Kids U.
Do you use the word Hipster? Yah. I hear Berlin is more Hipster than Munich. She lights up, Yah. I assume Lena Dunham would still be a virgin in Germany. Yah.

I appreciate your enthusiasm screams, have fun at your Trump rallies. Until my impeachment fantasy comes true and musky Mueller is knighted with an Old Spice campaign in his honor. Too bad, Trump’s not sweating it babe.

If someone is adamant about you not pissing them off. It means you pissed them off royally. Especially, when you learn later about what garbage their Twitter feed is consumed with.

Once Mueller calls it quits and a wall is erected. Resisters will have only 1 year to recuperate before year 4 of Trump’s historic 1st term presidency. US troops coming home beats my mother’s in law’s go to sock gift, USA, USA, USA.

I appreciate your enthusiasm is what HR says to you. Because asking their husband if they want to hang out and talk is normally drowned out by their dumpy husband throwing on his noise canceling headphones soon after.

I appreciate your enthusiasm is a patronizing blow off. It screams, nice hat hick. What difference does it make? Is a close 2nd but not really.

INT. BARBER SHOP
Me
What was Meat Head Archie in the Polo fleece so miserable about?
Besides, my blond haired kids outshining his ginger white privileged squareness whole.

INT. BARBER SHOP Version 1
Barber
What’s your book about?
Me
Being a stay at home dad in the age of me to fake feminists.
Who uses aggressive toned comedy to fight back with.

INT. BARBER SHOP
Barber
What’s your book about again?
Me
Being a stay at home dad fighting for respect through the power of punchline driven prose about dads being more stimulating parent coaches than mom.

INT. BARBER
Me
I’m glad Serena Williams is on the cover of GQ for woman of the year. Because photo shopping Bobby Seal’s leather jacket from the Black Panthers on Collin Kaepernick would’ve been really forcing the issue.

Let me guess the #newinstagram allows you to filter out presumptive hate vibes produced by your driving selfies. In order to secure your safe space shelter immune from charges of narcissism gone wild.

My extended flirt exchange with a German Au Pair at the Kids U.

You’re from Germany. Do you hate Merkel? Who? Angela Merkel. Yah, people love her. But she was just forced to resign. She’s ok. Obama get’s the same downgrade treatment here.

HR asks me. Will commuting be an issue after being a stay at home dad? I say. After looking after 3 kids 3 summers in a row. My commute will feel like a 5 week rave in Germany.
I hear German men get 1 year of paid maternity leave yah? Au Pair says. But you have to be employed prior. So an HR Manager for SAP Germany would still see 3 gap years, not 2 for you.

Do you drink German wines? Yah, French ones to. But I’m only 19. Do you have a fake ID? Yah. Do you have house parties with other Au Pairs? No. I would’ve exploded in my pants if you said yes.
Is it possible for a kid you take care of to profess greater love for you than her own mommy? Yah. It’s happened to a friend of mine. Is she taller than you? Where do you hang out exactly?

Are most German girls tall like you? Yah, most men in America are much smaller than me though. You mean my people the Jews. Who hate how Trump towers over them in more ways than 1.

I read a parenting book that said German parents let their kids play with knives as early as 4. No, not you. I guess they were no extra circumcision knives lying around your parents pantry.
I hear German families let their kids play outside the house unsupervised. So parents have more free time inside to play with the Au Pairs themselves.

Me sabotaging my flirting session with a German Au Pair.

My Mother In Law only allows my 3 kids to have fun in her cramped, designated playroom downstairs. So she doesn’t hear the patter of happiness upstairs. Total Nazi Move, right?
The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Getting Love From Cancer

It’d be nice. Still, I can’t shake the idea of my mom blaming my early stages form of skin cancer from being a direct result of my excessive amount of outdoor play on the stay at home dad front. I don’t feel like such a sheltered bum now dad.

I don’t plan on telling my 3 kids because Cancer, Aids and 911 are off the list words of the day for now. In an ideal universe, I’d like to extend my kids enlightened age of existence as much as I can.

Thanks to Hillary Bot Huma lickers calling anyone who voted for Trump a Nazi. I’ve had to explain Hilter to my kids already. Failed art student. And the swat sticker art isn’t beautiful or deep. It just looks like a couple of a gay stick figures doing a sixty-nine on Crystal Meth.

Also, the form of skin cancer I got is Squamous Cell Carcinoma is highly treatable. Plus, it was detected early. So, I don’t have to sweat getting my finger amputated although that would make a solid start to my romantic comedy story, The Nine Fingered Foodie. Who eventually finds a hand in marriage, the end.

Of course, I told the wife about the skin cancer. So, I could give myself more generous pours from her fancy French Roses she’s been buying lately, feeling guilt free all the way.

Cancer scare, I don’t care about getting love from cancer. When I get to blast Hair Metal with my 3 tiny little head banger dancers on Spotify, assuming my nurse wife is working this evening.
Told my younger brother about having skin cancer because my wife said I’d feel less alone. But I have God in my heart and faith in knowing it’s not my time to part.

Getting love from cancer sounds like too much pressure to place on friends. Because true ones don’t need to make any forced last-minute amends.
Getting love from cancer isn’t for me. I’d rather smell the flowers more with more mystical zest. Knowing, God hooked me up with my wife and 3 kids because he knew it would bring out my writing best.

I never sought love from getting canned. Resisting pity love makes me you more of a man.

Cancer is cancer. And it can easily come back. But if I could do it again. I wouldn’t have told anyone offline to showcase my bigger sack.

By,
Michael Kornbluth