Slow Poke Tim

Tempting line of attack against my mother in law next time she forces my kids to say grace in our home. Rosa, Jews, do grace in Hebrew. Also, care to tell God and my kids why you hit your daughter in Australia because you couldn’t handle being a stay at home mom in Austraila, fondling Avocado’s the size of Babar’s nut sack.

EXT. EVERYDAY DINER

Do It All Dad

Kids, there’s no whimpering in album trading talks involving American Idiot for Joan Jett & The Blackhearts, alright.

INT. ITALIAN REST.

Random Retired Black Guy

Been on TV?

Do It All Dad

Blind Date, all I got out of it was a free meal and herpes.

Random Retired Black Guy laughs longtime.

Disney owns ABC, whose now in the pedophile protection business. What should we call Disneyland now, the Happiest Comet Pizza Chain on earth?

INT. MONSTER MINI GOLF PARTY ROOM

Random Mom addresses my 2 year old boy.

Random Mom

It looks like you enjoy cake?

Do It All Dad

Too bad your fun hole tastes like medium grade Sashimi, I’m assuming. If I don’t want to devour you whole.

England shitting in their knickers.

Random bloke at the pub says, “Turkish President Erdogan says, he’ll send 3.6 million refugees to Europe if the EU doesn’t provide aid to Turkey mate.”

Mate replies, “Now that’s using leverage. Did Trump slip Erdogan a signed copy of Art of the Deal or what?”

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

Unplanned parenthood, let’s talk about it 3 direct hits later. I’ve aged well I know. Despite my wife bemoaning. I’ve sacrificed. She acts like an aspiring comedian in his late 20’s wanted kids ever.

INT. DELI NY

State Trooper

Trump isn’t perfect.

Do It All Dad

He’s made ball busting great again. What’s there not to love about that?

NY State Trooper laughs long time.

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

Unplanned parenthood happens, when you’re a stoner who forgets to ask whether your companion is on the pill because it makes her nauseous. But God didn’t give me 3 kids to have a panic attack about it. Obviously, he never had the same confidence in you.

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

Ziggy Marley being interviewed by High Times. Your dad had 7 kids. Doesn’t ganja drain your life shooter dry? Fake news man.

A school in England banned tag, encouraging kids to play with, “gentle hands.” Does Prince Charles do hand model demonstrations in class? Claiming with shameless glee, “Never worked a day in my life. It’s good to be Prince of Wales.”

Did God bring a cat in our home to wane me off Internet porn for good? Because nobody wants to whip it out again, drunk, on the opposite side of the couch of Pet Sematary, thinking, “Cats are colorblind anyway, this should murky up it’s vision.”

Any Baby Boomer really. Can’t you play some Dylan? This music is sad. You mean Chet Baker, the king of west coast cool Jazz? Whatever, it’s sad music. I don’t even know how we’re related. Your shoulders collapsing when we hug gave you away pops.

My wife wearing her atheism on a sleeve. Daughter says. Truth or Dare? What do you like better, wine or Flake Chocolate? Wife says, Flake. I reply. And Judd Apatow is the chief happiness officer for Brietbart.

Debra Messing blasting the View for letting Don Junior on. His family assaulted our country. You’re assaulting my ears, with your tone deaf dumb dialogue devoid of any punchy, fabulous flourish your Will and Grace Writer’s poop in their sleep.

After my 3 kid was born, my younger brother uses a photo of them together for his new Facebook profile photo. Over Thanksgiving, I say, “I’m thankful for my baby brother stealing my weed, adderall and my life. Because I look better in comparison.”

INT. CAR

Do It All Dad

Photon was like a poor man’s Laser Tag. I never played Photon with Uncle John because mimi & papa only bought one blaster for me.

Daughter

But you had friends then who didn’t care about you supporting Trump.

INT. ITALIAN REST.

Retired Black Guy

I like that one better.

Do It All Dad

One more, this is Russell Simmons on Gayle King. Read my lisp. I didn’t rape any of those vengeful, over the hill ho’s.

Retired Black Guy laughs longtime.

INT. TOY SHOP-CT

Do It All Dad

This is me on Christmas when my daughter was 4. Jida got you a toy chest with no toys in it. When we get back home to NY, will fill it with your 8000 Hanukkah gifts.

Toy Shop owner laughs long time.

INT. HOME

Daughter

Do people eat Mermaids?

Do It All Dad

No, but Neil Young eats out Daryl Hannah now because he’s in the midst of a post middle age, never banged a Mermaid crisis.

A school in England banned tag because it was deemed too rough. For now, England will stick to chasing Conservative Talk Show hosts from entering the country by banning the likes of Michael Savage. Piers get’s a pass because he failed in America.

Kids in England can’t play tag anymore because Tiny Tim identifies as Slow Poke Tim. Aren’t cries of hate speech considered fake news in your country when Mustafa tags Tiny Tim, yelling, “You’re It Infidel.”

Michael Kornbluth

Paul, Was No Mate Of Mine

Steven Tyler unloading on a fan for sitting at a show. I know you can’t afford a million dollar a day cocaine habit, but Live On The Edge a little bit bitch.

How much did Lennon hate McCartney for shaming him into becoming a stay at home dad, for his 2nd kid Sean after the release of Hey Jude? 2 weeks into his stroller ride routine through Central Park, Lennon yells, “Choke on a fucking cucumber scone Paul.”

Eric Clapton on John Lennon asking him to join the Beatles. “I was flattered kind of, but, my 1st question was, “Do you really hate George that much? So he wrote My Guitar Gently Weeps, get over it already mate. Or you’re worse than pussy willow Paul.”

British royals threatening ABC News. If you run the Prince Andrew, Epstein, why can’t we remain friends story, will cancel your interview with Prince William and Kate Middleton. And he’s the only tie left to Diana Americans give 2 shits about.

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

I get confused for Hugh Grant on stilts because I only cruise for bearded black hookers at the circus.

University of Minnesota Students can’t name a single Democratic accomplishment. Outside of making MS 13, ISIS and radical jihadists in US Congress as the new face of the Democratic Party. Also, they made clear due process is off the list.

The NY Times stock falls as ad revenue shrank. You mean ads for ANTIFA Halloween costumes, ISIS religious scholars 101 workshops at the 92nd Y and Planned Parenthood toxic masculinity blockers aren’t keeping the paper of record in the black?

You can’t name the name of the Whistle Blower? You’ll endanger his life. Why, is ANTIFA playing for the other side now? After forsaking the dark side from repeat viewings of Jedi. I don’t get it.

Kimmel on the new Don Junior book. He attacks Mueller, Bush, the liberal media. Basically, all our fake news heroes suffering from delusions of grandeur. Sorry people, I haven’t felt this dejected since Sarah Silverman’s snatch started to smell like cat nip.

Mom asks, “Is Arthur still enjoying his chess class?” I reply, “Yes, Samuel is still enjoying his chess class. Just like President Trump he isn’t tired of winning yet.” Now, I’m out of the will for certain but it was worth it.

 

Buckingham Palace threatening ABC over spotlighting Prince Andrew’s ties to Epstein. Prince Andrew is a clean cut lad. It’s not like the time when we had to take out Diana because because she couldn’t control her Kabob fever.

Will Hillary run? She can’t even power walk to the Late Show with Colbert without her bladder breaking. Why else do you think she shows her fat ass in public, with those asexual built in diaper ready, druid burkas from Dune?

A tree fell on  a trick or treater in Westchester County. Where was pops, blocking the tree like a line drive foul ball at Citi Field? Talk about dropping the ball. Was pops dressed as Bill Buckner for Halloween or what?

Michael Kornbluth

Low Class Long Island Hacks

Someone got stabbed to death for cutting in line for a Popeye’s chicken sandwich as the Grim Reaper yells, “No chicken sandwich for you.”

The MAGA hat is equivalent to a Nazi cap? I thought skin heads wore their shaved heads out in public for a reason. If a Nazi really wants to show his true colors, he’ll rock a black hoodie and attack peaceful Trump supporters in the name of love.

Meghan McCain on Rand Paul. I hate Rand Paul. He’s so much more upfront about his libertarian stances than my father was. Who cares if his doctor was 1st in his class and mine last. My daddy sniffed more than hair with his boy Biden.

Mexico, denied Trump’s offer for war against the cartels after the recent massacre against Americans. Too bad, Trump isn’t a crackhead, scheming demon who thinks winning favor at Bill Maher’s party up in the hills, is worth the one million dollar donation.

A University of Florida professor banned the use of the term “illegal immigrant.” Because he didn’t want to offend the student body there, knowing how calling English their 1st language is debatable, despite their blond on blonde, white white privilege.

The Mayor of London is considering decriminalizing cannabis to cut crime. I’m sure Mustafa will chill on the acid attacks if he could be allowed to puff the hashish pipe 6 times a day on the West End next time he wants to assimilate with Sam Mendes fans.

Another tempting text reply to send my mother. Check out the New York Times gift guide for baby Samuel. I don’t read the NY Times anymore mom. But you’re a good Christian, converted Jew, for forgiving the NY Times for giving you false hope again.

Scorsese on action hero films again. I was offered the Joker, which isn’t your typical action hero franchise. But I was too busy keeping Dinero’s pierced ego afloat. Plus, it’s been two decades since Casino, so Pesci is well rested.

INT. WINE SHOP

Worker

What did you do for Halloween with the kids?

Do It All Dad

Mommy gave the kids the option of getting sushi in case of a rain out. They opted for the sushi. Bribing our kids with Sushi, can make Halloween great for parents again.

INT. HOME

Wife

I’ll cancel my dinner plans then.

Do It All Dad

Today is my one full day of work. All I asked after my sigh, was for 24 hours advance notice. But you don’t respect my time or work. You really bring out the best in me babe.

Me getting an email back from a big time talent management company. I never heard of this guy. He wants to try doing a one man show on the road. No try asshole, only doing the American heartland with A list gemry you’ll never hear on Kimmel long time.

What target demographic does Bernie think he’s snagging by having Baby Face Omar speak at his rallies? Outside of the 1 percentage point of Jews who hate their Trump supporting mothers that much. Was that too NY Jewish for your taste Ted?

You want the government to fact check news based opinion pieces Cuban? Reality update Cuban, you don’t need a fact checker to know instinctively whose a crybaby loser nerd.

What do you say to your wife’s best friend’s husband, next time you’re forced to see him, knowing he lied to your wife? Insisting he sent you a thank you note for the bourbon you gave him to celebrate his newborn kind of love. You married a bigger bitch.

Tempting conversation to have with the wife. How was Brooklyn? Checked Facebook, Matt never sent me a thank you note for the bourbon I dropped off at the hospital in honor of his new and only baby boy. Long Island hacks have zero class.

Michel Kornbluth

Jackass of Islam

The Mayor of London is considering decriminalizing cannabis to cut crime. I’m sure Mustafa will chill on the acid attacks if he could be allowed to puff the hashish pipe 6 times a day on the West End next time he wants to assimilate with Sam Mendes fans.

Neil Young left his wife of 35 years for Daryl Hannah. Because he’s going through a dying of the light, never banged a mermaid crisis. Drilling for fracking isn’t his cup of tea. When he gives her facials, he calls it acid rain.

There’s actually a soundtrack for 13 Reasons Why on Vinyl. If you play it backwards, it says, “Sell your soul to Apple and the Chinese like Trent Rezner. He doesn’t sound so suicidal anymore these days, does he?”

I’m not joking. There’s actually a soundtrack for 13 Reasons Why on Vinyl. If you play it backwards, it says, “Trump is wrong, suicide is for winners like Hunter S. Thompson who don’t believe in pleasing God like Tim Tebow.”

I’m serious. If you play the record 13 Reasons Why backwards it also says, “Joker is laughing all the way to the bank”, “At least your dad never cut off your wedding speech at your younger brother’s wedding, three grandchildren blessed later.” Or, “At least your coke head younger brother doesn’t call you a loser after you write for TV twice, write 2 books and produce 3 fuss free kids.”

Who can trust Trump’s America Economist? The stock market, the electoral college, MAGA Hat Vendors at Trump rallies, sending their kids through college already.

INT. BARNES & NOBLE

Do It All Dad

Do parents ask you for books about eco-anxiety?

Worker laughs.

Worker

I met a 10 year old girl scared of the rain.

Do It All Dad

If kids were reared on Andrew Dice Clay records, they wouldn’t be so temperamental.

Barnes and Noble worker laughs long time.

Aaron Sorkin says Zuckerberg is “assaulting truth” by allowing political ads to appear on his website. Wah, wah, wah Sorkin’s crying. Because Martin Sheen isn’t a better president than Trump in real life. And Jeff Daniels isn’t even Tucker Carlson.

Signs times are changing.

Mama says. The Washington Post called the leader of ISIS, a religious scholar. NPR would’ve called him a burnout hashish head, suffering from Trump in charge now anxiety max.
How would I sum up manhood in the age of #MeToo Harper’s Magazine? You can look, actually stop eye fucking me to death with your eyes. Only stare at me with VR Goggles, because I know your eyes are occupied with artificial objectification.

How would President Pence lead Newsweek? I’d say, issue an executive exorcism but you don’t believe in God or have a soul left to save. But Pelosi’s district in San Francisco is progressive paradise ushering in a new poop hopscotch rush as we speak.

Everything you need to ace American History in one big fat notebook today. Let me guess, Indians didn’t torture, rape or scalp infidels until ISIS showed them on YouTube how the big boys on the varsity squad got it done.

Facebook allowing “Make America Great Again” ads got Trump elected? I thought it was because 63 million branded racists didn’t want their children to grow up in Obama’s America where ISIS went viral and GDP growth was slower than Joe Biden after a lobotomy.

Sheryl Sandberg on political ads with Katie Couric.

It’s 2019 Katie, nobody is influenced to vote from political ads on Facebook. Blog posts, which are pro Trumpian are coded as hate speech as way to discourage fact dissemination.

Sheryl Sandberg on political ads with Katie Couric again.

Political ads only represent 1 percent of our revenue.

Couric replies.

Fine, care to comment on how digital currency hides pedo trails on the dark web with greater efficiency bitch?

Sheryl Sandberg on political ads with Katie Couric again.

We don’t fact check Political ads. We just make it uncomfortable for paid off Trump supporter actors to defend their integrity. Baby Boomers hate how much the Trump kids have their shit together.

Sheryl Sandberg on political ads with Katie Couric one last time.

We don’t think the Russian are interfering with our elections. We do think Diamond and Silk are too southern sassy sharp, for Tom Arnold to handle in a sparring of wits, has been resistor lesbian.

Bill Maher interviewing Ronan Farrow.

With Harvey Weinstein still free, Cos still claiming innocence, do you feel all the awards showered on you will be relegated as mere participation trophies within the annals of history?

Signs the times really are changing.

Mama says.

The Washington Post called the leader of ISIS, a religious scholar? Even NPR called him too extreme for Al-Qaeda.

Do It All Dad replies.

They should’ve called him the Jackass Of Islam then.

Michael Kornbluth

Born Again Newborn Dads

How do you make a newborn dad feel extra special after his wife just squeezed out a real-life Mr. Potato Head? Because let’s be honest, folks, newborn dads, regardless if they’ve provided the love gun blast power for previous babies over wearing pajamas at 5 already the way Miley Cyrus is over trying to please her pan-sexual critics. Newborn dads aren’t given special gift consideration after they become a born-again newborn dad, despite the likelihood of them losing everything including the house and custody of their kids in New York State, the moment the wife decides to leave him for an eventual in-house replacement dad. The odds of Dad coming out on the winning end are low, knowing woman today expect husbands to do more than just bang out the bills and more kids every other 2 years, whether they’re planned or not. So, make a born again newborn dad feel less isolated, less depreciated and less taken for granted, by helping him drink in the occasion of becoming a born again newborn dad, by doing more than giving an all-star addition baby bib, gift store flowers and semi succulent, edible arrangements for his wife.

Likes on Facebook for new baby announcement pics are nice. But what makes a born-again newborn dad feel extra special is a sumptuous, American made Bourbon with balls. Assuming, he pours himself a generous pour of love in a paper cup without his wife’s permission 1st. Once newborn dad comes home from the hospital, he can pour himself a second generous serving of soul glow love, relishing the start of his newborn’s short lived stint of 20 hour naps, taking in the pure beautified gleam of his newborn baby, thinking, drinking alone when mama’s out of the house eventually, is no longer an issue.

I’m reflecting on gifts for born again newborn dad’s, for a couple of reasons. First, my family of 5 just adopted a cat, Woodstock. She was seen hitchhiking on Woodstock Street. Haven’t decided whether I should start a YouTube Channel dedicated to me reading chapters to it from Trump’s Art of The Deal, so I can go viral already. Similar to 2 out of our 3 kids, this new family addition wasn’t planned nor was the new family addition proclamation received with too much emotive glee from our absentee out of state, baby boomer parents either because baby boomer arrogance never dies. And if we don’t raise a family the way they did, we’re the delusional, deplorable, crazy ones for not insisting on sucking off the weird, creepy, alleged all-knowing aura of Bob Dylan for all it’s worth. Despite the Grateful Dead turning Dylan down after he asked to play with the band on a full-time basis. Jerry was like, “Yeah Bob, we love your songs and everything, with your permission I’d love to sing Visions of Johanna solo, but we already named our last album Dylan and the Band, despite us selling out major league stadiums versus barely filling out minor league ones on your Rolling Thunder Tour. And let’s be frank Bob, do I look like I’d ever rock the Mascara look with a feathered boa hat to downplay my folksy, homely Jewishness? Despite your train hopping, man of the literate Steinbeck book people cred. Granted, we let Robert Hunter write some our star songs, but he never asked us to replace Pig Men on the harmonica either.” I took my 1st born child, Matilda Singing Rose Kornbluth, to a Further show, new version of the Dead at Bethel Woods, site of the original Woodstock days after her 2nd birthday. After taking her for a regretful lap around the grassy filled parking lot scene, taking in dinged up hippies zapping whatever brain cells remained left from more nitrous balloon hits, she points at one of the nitrous balloons on display and says, “Dada, birthday, and I say, no, burnout day.” Material, I’ve heard of worst reasons to have unplanned kids.

But let’s get back to my mom’s reply via text to a video showing our new adopted cat scurry behind our couch in her new home as my now eight-year-old daughter’s eyes flicker with newborn, endlessly curious, anticipatory delight on par with her tingly embrace of her baby brother on the forehead for her 1st joining together with her younger brother in the hospital with such graceful, delicate, love at 1st sight splendidness. So, to receive a meh, less than enthralling reply from my mother in relation to our new family addition announcement video only illuminated what a sucky feeling it was after my 3 kids were born, to never receive any special gift shout outs from my younger brother, parents and friends for becoming a born again newborn dad, which is a blown opportunity if you want to talk deplorable.

In the end all my mom could muster to this once in a lifetime moment video from her Arizona estate home was, “I’m happy for Matilda and your family.” Translation, my 1st born identifies with sexless, isolated cat ladies on the Upper West Side. And I don’t see her oversharing at her Bridge Club about re-branding her son as a stay at home cat lady either.

The other reason I’m reflecting on born again newborn dad’s is because my wife’s best friend just had her 1st child at the same hospital she works in the NICU and Labor and Delivery for as the unofficial boob doctor whisper/lactation expert on breasting feeding. Emphasizing how all the long term benefits of breast feeding for your kids far outweighs the minor, short lived inconvenience of turning your bed into an after hours milk bar, all depending on whether the husband get’s permission from the wife to pull the plug on his life blaster for good, sooner than later. But what’s unique about this born-again newborn dad is how he’s a divorced dad who has an 11-year-old daughter from his past marriage. So, he’s a born-again newborn dad with a new lifetime partner in love, reflecting a new lease on life. Because now he can teach his new child better than the last because he didn’t have the weighty life coach musings on MMA and CBD hand creams from the Joe Rogan podcast under his belt yet.

What I’ve developed a heightened respect for since becoming a born again newborn dad 3 times over, is the fleeting specialness of that post birth bliss in the hospital, as you bask in the glorious, picture perfect sight of your new and improved seed with a full set of hair, thank God. Bursting with unlimited potential to outshine any baby boomer claim to fame because baby boomer parents don’t always know best. You do, because you know how it feels to be depreciated, taken for granted and talked to down by self-righteous authority figures, incapable of life altering, introspection. As a result, you dedicate your life to make sure your children received less of the same old situation and do everything in your power to ensure your children feel great about whatever their passionate about doing and never apologize for pursuing their bliss like Miley Cyrus next time she declares to her adoring female fans on Instagram, “You don’t have to be gay, there are good men out there.” I agree Miley, that’s why I got my wife’s best friend, a bottle of 914 Bourbon in honor of his new son, born in 914, under my wife’s steady, loving guidance in the delivery room and beyond. It doesn’t matter how my wife had to fish for a thank you note of acknowledgement out of her best friend via text on the behalf of her born again newborn husband, who I dropped the gift off for while holding my lucky number 3 born in the same hospital, instead of delivering my gift in person because they were sleeping in the 1st place.

In my wife’s friend thank you text, she called it a “mitzvah.” Technically speaking, a mitzvah is a commandment from God. So, in actuality the gift was more an affirmation of Miley Cyrus’s assertion of better men being out there, who continue to deliver generous pours of love when the moment calls for it, despite feeling incredibly shortchanged in return. Because fatherhood wants any good man, the opportunity to do better than before and nothing beats a newborn dad kind of love.

Michael Kornbluth