What Gen X Parents Understand Part 3

Facebook has rendered Baby Boomers the laziest grandparent generation of all time. Turning them into the real-life slackers after all. Limiting face time with their grandkids to smartphones.

 

Zit Face Zuck is a puppet of the NSA because he’s granted Baby Boomers the means to spy on their grandchildren from afar without having to adjust their spacious self-lifestyle away from CNN & MSNBC.

 
Christian Slater was our generations unheralded, Marlon Brando and Montgomery Clift and Nick Nolte all wrapped into one.

 
Our Baby Boomer Dads will still ask if your vegetarian wife who eats fish can still eat chicken after 8 years of marriage, 3 kids later. Despite being retired for 8, having plenty of time to brush up on the subject.

 

Nas is a lyrical wordsmith slayer genius, the hip hop George Carlin, whose lyrics are tougher than Dice.

 
Like Dr. Seuss, Paul Thomas Anderson peaked early.

 
Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld were the real axis of evil before Adam McKay decided to make a subpar, movie about it a decade after Oliver Stone’s W.

 

 

Eddie Vedder turned out be a more reliable, consistently great, front man rock crooner than Axl ever was. Without turning in his face into melted Candle wax from the November Rain video.

 
Yelp was fun until Crazy Rich Asian gals took hold of it, rendering it Hello Kitty, expressionless, humorless with it and went wild.

 
Critics hate the golden Jew Adam Sandler because he’s a beloved cash cow. Whose done dramatic work with James L. Brooks, so he’s above real-life bitchy reproach Peter Travers at Rolling Stone.

 
Robert Dinero needs Marty to start writing him scripts again in a miserable way. Because he’s an unfunny, low IQ individual left to his own faculties and no longer scary tough either.

 
Dennis Miller is a more fearless, God loving, Bill Maher, not trying to hide any sexual proclivities.

 
Taking down all of the Louie CK’s, specials down from HBO is a tad hypocritical knowing Roman Polanski’s Pianist is till up for tapping on your smart phone remote.

 
There’s really funny and Judd Apatow. And no matter how hard he tries, he’ll never be in the same league as Harold Ramis. David Cross agrees.

 
The NY Times hired editor Sarah Jeong because her millennial peers on Yelp produce writing quality a notch below Gremlin poo.

 
HPV Vaccinations for our boys is a no brainer like insisting they start attending junior high with lawyer written, pre-poundage consent forms for future signage.

 
Baby Boomer’s idea of diversity is paying a different set of undocumented illegals to keep their empty nest tidy without lifting a finger every 5 years.

 
Baby Boomer hippies were the 1st generation to shit on vets like they were ones responsible for starving hippies eating back alley cats to stay alive on the streets of San Francisco.

 
HPV vaccinations for our kids is a no brainer like turning our daughters into Lesbians to avoid contracting HIV. Name another type of sexual intercourse where they take a licking and keep on ticking?

 
Stay at Home Dads can be trophy wives on paper but not in reality. Especially, when the wife’s smart phone alerts her to another questionable purchase. Hey hubby, how was Bride of Chucky?

 
Kevin Smith totally punched up the script to Good Will Hunting, injecting it with far greater heart also. Because Damon and Affleck off the screen, are unfunny, blowhard douche bags in real life.

 
Seth Macfarlane, Danny McBride and the cast behind Always Sunny in Philadelphia have consistently been robbed of Emmy nods and various other comedy accolades for being consistently funnier and more imaginative than the edgeless rest.

 
311 is the most underrated band of our generation. Knowing, they’re a dreamy love child of Cypress Hill, Red Hot Chili Peppers and Faith No More. I’m not available Rolling Stone. Blow me.

 
Baby Boomer Arrogance never dies like Seth Myers attempt to out-funny his dentist with laughing gas on at full blast.

 
Starbucks is evil, gotten all of us addicted for even greater amounts of concentrated speed in the form of cranked up milligram dosages of Adderall or crushed snorted up Ritalin in college.

 
Stay at Home Dad egos can’t survive forever as dependent, welfare mothers. Knowing you can’t stare at a hard body MILF, hiking in Arizona without your wife blurting. You only exist because of me.

 
Raising the rod didn’t do any favors for Michael. And Helicopter parents screwed millennial mouseketeers up good.

 

Only Magic could make HIV disappear because he’s Magic Johnson for a reason. I’d like see King James pull off such a miraculous feat without a whole lot of Magic’s assistance.

 

Starbucks is evil. And intentionally cranks up the caffeine content in their espresso shots so we’re more on edge than Harold Schultz’s kids backpacking through Europe in Germany throughout deadspot no-go zones in the Summer of 2019.

 

Dazed and Confused is our Catcher in the Rye despite it taking place in the seventies during Aerosmith’s prime smack taking years.

 

Joan Rivers made sure the Obama’s weren’t invited to her funeral in advance for a reason.

 

Sophia Coppola gave Bill Murray the permission to not even bother being laugh out loud funny anymore.

 
Jack Black would be a star after High Fidelity, loaded with ten times more charisma than Booger which is nothing to sneeze at, Master.

 
Giving billions to Pakistan to keep Bin Laden comfy and warm made less sense than ABC thinking the Roseanne spin off would work without her. After she tweeted about Valerie Jarrett being Obama’s Arabian Horse whisperer.

 

Non-stop promotion of Black Panther being nominated as an Oscars Contender rings shallow and false like when Hillary stole the nomination from Bernie Sanders. Joan lives.

 
President Trump righted the wrongs committed by the VA Hospital, not some fake news hippie Bill Clinton. Unlike Bubba, Obama & Bush Junior, Trump can claim he’s never inhaled anything but A plus, runway ready trim.

 

Rickey Gervais should the host the Oscars every year, but Hollywood can’t take whatever they dish out. Clint Eastwood would agree.

 
Baby Boomers are keeping the NY Times in business since they’ve become the fake newspaper of record. For being too invested in a Russian collusion story with less legs than Lieutenant Dan to backtrack now.

 

We must not make our daughters feel taken for granted or they’ll seek love from coked out vampires in LA like the girl from the Fallen Angel video.

 

Smashing Pumpkin’s song Bullet with Butterfly Wings is our generation’s answer to Billy Wilder’s the Apartment, predating Office Space which doesn’t sound as momentous, sorry Butt-Head.

 
Either Billy Corgan from Smashing Pumpkins comes from a divorced, broken home or he’s watched Ang Lee’s Ice Storm on Showtime after coming down off too much Acid, one too many times.

 

Despite claims of being enlightened, less hateful feminists of yesteryear, our Gen Y Wives still hate how much fun we have with our louder, more cheerful, toxic avenger brothers in arms.

 
Twitter has given an overrated quarterback the veneer of being a deep, original thinker. Who thinks posing with Linda Sarsour is in the best interests of promoting racial harmony?

 

 

Baby Boomers equate beating their wife in Jeopardy as real world, transferable intelligence despite ignoring their 1st born’s pleas to buy up every share of Google they could afford because their IT recruiter son knew about it since Y2K.

 

Gen X Parents understand that over-scheduling kids’ schedules is an offshoot, defensive result, to fill their kids free time with more than Different Strokes and Facts of Life. Which got us nowhere fast.

 

Gen X Parents understand Patton Oswalt’s voice is no Daniel Stern’s from Wonder Years. Which always sounded way more like Richard Dreyfus.

 

Gen X Parents understand hair power ballads are still cherished because they’re beautiful, kick-ass songs about romantic longing. Which never got played out in our hearts.

 

Gen X Parents understand our generation invented the internet garbage heap it’s become.

 

Gen X Parents understand Social Security, Pensions and company loyalty are less secure these days Kathy Griffin since a Skinned Clifford and Trans Chucky had a baby.

 

Gen X Parents understand Social Security, Pensions and company loyalty are less secure these days than Chelsea Handler since she became a full-time social justice warrior. To downplay her boobs sinking popularity.

 

Gen X Parents understand Social Security, Pensions and company loyalty are less secure the Cheney’s soul renewal lease agreement with the Devil if Christian Bale wins best actor in the Oscars for 2019.

 

 

Gen X Parents understand hip hop back in the day was the most badass, hilarious, accessible, social change activist-minded, slamming poetry ever produced. KRS 1 is like an old school version of Neil DeGrasse Tyson, they’re both interesting for 3-minute spurts at a time.

 

 

Last, Gen X parents understand President Trump isn’t a real-life Nazi. Knowing he lifted the lifetime ban on Jewish membership at Mara a Lago after he purchased it, Slim on Facts Shady.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

What Gen X Parents Understand Part 2

The only reason we don’t pull the plug on our Facebook accounts is because Zuckerberg made us too lazy to produce a photo album for our kids, let alone 1 from our wedding 8 anniversaries later.

 
Starbucks is evil. Between Aids, the .dot com crash and 911 soon after. We had enough to be on edge about already.

 

Again, Starbucks is evil We were conditioned to equate Nirvana with Starbucks. As a result, we like our comedy like our coffee, dark and bitter.

 

Starbucks is evil because it makes us resent bare minimum baby boomer grandma. Who can’t even dress up for a Skype call with her grandchildren? Fogging up the computer screen with her shitty Dunkin Donuts coffee breath as we speak.

 

Did I forget to mention Starbucks is evil? Because they never advertised the calorie count for Cafe Mocha’s with whip cream in college when we got addicted to them in the 1st place.

 

Last, Starbucks is evil because Spacious Starbucks lounge areas throughout SOHO in Manhattan, made us wish for the Loft in Big occupied by a 14-year-old Tom Hanks. But we can’t afford the luxury to dream big when we can’t afford to take our kids to Rye Playland to visit the original site of the Zoltar machine after paying property taxes in Westchester Country alone.

 

More of What Gen X Parents Understand
We’re able to call our son Chef Samuels whenever we get him into smoked salmon and eating anchovies pre-Puttanesca. Plus, we can help ensure our children don’t have gun shy palates by force feeding them sushi and fried up bean curd in red hot chili peppers to Under the Bridge. So, they’ll remember how much their taste buds were blown away that day.

 
Children sponge up your habits, so beer cleanses are good so your 7 year daughter doesn’t feel compelled to fat shame you anymore.” Daddy, I’ve got a 6 pack, you got a zero pack. ”

 
Documenting your kids’ lives on social media is good when through the art of comedy creation, your children can learn from the error of your ways by having to explain the intro your 7 year daughter does for your Do It All Dad Year Podcast episode, My Weed Exit Interview. I always wanted to a be a functional pothead. 3 kids later, I gave it my best shot. But sometimes, we have to write off our losses to excessive stubbornness, our degenerate southern hick gene and delusions of chosen people, all knowing grandeur kid.

 
Documenting your kids lives on Social Media can magnify their well earned boost of self-esteem whenever Daddy injects one of their hilarious ad libs into another piece republished by the Good Men Project. Soon after, declaring with all of his Do It All Dad declarative might: Your material is on the Internet forever now kids. Resist this. Joan lives.

 
What Gen X Parents Understand Continued 
Unstructured playtime for your daughter throughout her teens is good if: It doesn’t include recreational drug abuse, exposure to online porn or labia wearing hat marches prematurely because cock block parties aren’t her thing yet. Knowing for now, playing with her super girly Polynesian Barbie is her preferred cup of tea.

 

What Gen X Parents Understand
The selective yelling voice works if you don’t overuse it. If you overuse your so-called selective yelling voice, it turns into a cloned, outrage enshrouded echo chamber ala Twitter since Trump got elected. And from there, your children, won’t be able to tell whether you’re an over the hill actor, overrated comedian or another hysterical banshee puppet head analyst at CNN running with unverified lies again. Because they’re the true friend of the American people.

 
What Gen X Parents Understand
The selective yelling voice is an effective controlling tool to get your children to behave if you don’t minimize its impact by overuse of it like fake news charges of Don Lemon yelling at all tax paying, law abiding, Americans for being racists for supporting a President. Who works for free to keep our country safer to live, full of more money making opportunity to provide for our families and to make ball busting great again Nancy Denture Breath Pelosi.

 
What Gen X Parents Understand
We spend more time hanging out with our children than our parents did. Because we know our kids are superior company than most. Plus, we, don’t dare to treat our children like stupid, inferior deplorables beneath our intellect and extended attention spans past Jeopardy and boring rehashes of work either.

 
What Gen X Parents Understand
Nike is run by fake news hippies who exploit cheap foreign labor for all the safety jump suicide nets its worth, to keep sales production forecasts numbers on target.

 
What Gen X Parents Understand
When you can’t conjure one favorite dish from your baby boomer mother. It means her anemic Kosher steak doesn’t make the cut for future recreations or consist of any template for future Pinterest board clipping rehashes either.

 
What Gen X Parents Understand
Your children won’t behave like spoiled, out of control, ramification free anarchists if you hold them to a higher social standard than ANTIFA.

 
What Gen X Parents Understand
Spring Break in Norway rules because it beats putting sun tan lotion on your Albino conjuring kids in Arizona every time they hop out of the pool. During your forced annual visit to Mimi and Papa over Winter Break.

 
What Gen X Parents Understand
Breastfeeding turns your bed into a 24/7 open milk bar. And your wife’s boobs into milk dispensing, regrettable tasting, non-fat latte because you spit out the milk 1 second later. After you blank on your wife’s nips morphing into a temporary milk sweetener fountains of baby filler again.

 

What Gen X Parents Understand
Nintendo was a poor man’s babysitter, which did more time sucking harm than permanent good for our powers of creation. Postponing manhood post Bar Mitzvah years, regardless if you knocked out Iron Mike in Punchout on multiple occasions.

 

What Gen X Parents Understand
Bedsharing with your kids otherwise known as Attachment Parenting, is like planting seeds of self-esteem on Steroids. Ensuring our children will never suffer from lifelong abandonment issues. Enshrouding the vacant emptiness in our hollowed-out hearts with pot, speed, E, coke, Oxy or whatever else Gen X Parents, forced to cry it out in the crib, can get our hyperactive hands on to keep the next Tony Soprano conjuring panic attack without real life muscle at your disposal at bay.

 
What Gen X Parents Understand
We better befriend a member of the Deep State to scrub our MATH scores from our permanent record, if we want our kids to respect our command of high finance. “Daddy, how many zeros are in a Trillion? Daddy, do you really have to Google that? Are you financially illiterate or something?

 
What Gen X Parents Understand
Kids aren’t sold on the Adam & Eve story after binge watching endless Futurama. “Dada, if God created the Universe. Who created God? God went back in time in a time machine made by Elon Musk? Real convincing dad. Thanks for making me an atheist at 4.”

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

My Boyish Boys

15 years later, I finally saw the Blind Side. Sandra Bullock’s legs in it are yummy. She makes Dr. Melfi from the Sopranos feel guilty for spending too much on her ass and not enough on the Stairmaster in comparison.

I toughen myself up now by letting my son punch me in the face without flinching. He’s only 2 but his shots to my ear cause it to ring soon after. I need to write a part where he plays a bouncer at his sister’s juice bar, Lavender.

There was an all Muslim girl prom held at a Detroit High School this year. So, the prom was like mine, pork free. Followed, my crying under my sheets from dusk till dawn.

HR
Why have you been out of work for so long?
Stay At Home Dad
I’m launching an exploratory committee to find out. Although, my gut tells me Corporate America keeps her distance from bearded lady freaks, despite claims of diverse inclusiveness.

HR
I read in Better Homes and Gardens, stay at home dads suffer from lower levels of testosterone.
Stay At Home Dad
Buy we haven’t even discussed hard numbers yet.

Explaining the Gillette ad to my 2 boyish boys.
Gillette is telling you to never bum rush a pretty girl in the street. That’s why I’m insisting you 2 leave the house in high school with pre-poundage consent forms in case the girls bum rush you.

Stay At Home dads like myself don’t mind the Gillette ad because we work remote. And claims of sexual harassment are avoidable when your meeting on Skype starts with. Fellas, raise your hands up high where I can see them.

At least the Gillette ad didn’t showcase Trump aggressively tweeting. Because standing up to bullying, lying, TV puppet heads and so called CNN journalists isn’t how we should treat divisive, criminal siding, normalizing, ANTIFA enablers.

Explaining the Gillette ad to my 2 boyish boys.
If I shave my beard and tone down my toxic pro Trump stance postings on Twitter. I’ll become less overtly threatening to the Talent Acquisition Managers at #Wework in Manhattan.

If I have to read one more time about TSA shortages. Last time I checked, all we need is one designated pat down person and a metal detector. Also, the terrorists behind 911 went to flight school in Florida unimpeded, my chest.

INT. WHOLE FOODS-CHAPPAQUA
Worker
Bags cost ten cents each.
Me
Is that the bag lady tax for Hillary Hammer Time Cankles?
Since the donations for the Clinton Foundation dried up faster than Huma after Hillary slipped off her spanx.

The End,

Michael Kornbluth

Amazon After Dark

INT. WHOLE FOODS
Me
Is there a company wide directive to refrain from making fun of the sexting skills of Jeff Bezos today? “And was the dic pic necessary? And I thought yelling demands at Alexa was the death of small talk.

INT. WHOLE FOODS
Me
I don’t care how big it is. Was the Jeff Bezos dic pic really necessary? Knowing Tony Gonzalez already broke her in the 1st place? Before popping out 3 kids. Happy denting though AJAX nerd.

INT. WHOLE FOODS
Me
Is there a company wide directive to refrain from making fun of the sexting skills of Jeff Bezos today? “I love your energy. I hate everything about my wife of 25 years from the neck down.

INT. WHOLE FOODS
Me
Is there a company wide directive to refrain from making fun of the sexting skills of Jeff Bezos today? “I want to smell you.” Alright, so we all can’t be
Poet Laureates.

INT. WHOLE FOODS
Me
Is there a company wide directive to refrain from making fun of the sexting skills of Jeff Bezos today? “I want to breath you in.” I prefer the expression inhale you whole. But I’m not a billionaire nerd either.

INT. WHOLE FOODS
Me
Is there a company wide directive to refrain from making fun of the sexting skills of Jeff Bezos today? “I don’t not like being with you.” Sound more like an artificial jerkoff & less clingy transparent Jeff.

INT. WHOLE FOODS
Me
Is there a company wide directive to refrain from making fun of the sexting skills of Jeff Bezos today? “I love you. I will you show with my lips. Grabby enough for you yet? There’s no way Jeff Bezos tastes good.

INT. WHOLE FOODS
Me
Is there a company wide directive to refrain from making fun of the sexting skills of Jeff Bezos today? “I want to breath you in. I want to wake up next you and read my propaganda dirt rag with you.”

INT. WHOLE FOODS
Me
Jeff Bezos has 4 kids. He couldn’t have told his novelist wife, that her books weren’t as enthralling as he lead her to believe? Or pointed out how he had trolls juice up books reviews on Kindle in her honor?

New Yorkers are no longer procreating fast enough to replace the dying population. Hogging up all last remaining rent controlled Manhattan apartments. Which families of 4 could take over. Instead of having to overpay for a shitty 2 bedroom in Queens.

Serena Williams told her daughter being strong is never easy. Could’ve fooled me Serena. From from where I stand you can rip Federer apart as easy as a Tampon.

Film titles ideas of a stay at home dad who get’s a job as a domestic servant for another family.
Domesticated House Bitch Already.
I Still Can’t Afford a Housekeeper
Zero Remains of White Privilege
Moving Laterally

Art of the Nail Polish Deal
Dad
Once you learn how to play Talk Dirty To Me on the guitar, Arthur, you can wear all the nail polish you want. Until then, let your sister use it for herself.
Sister
But Arthur puts it on way better than I do.

Discussing Aids with my kids prematurely.
Trump used the profits from the Wollman Rink for men’s gay groups during the Aids crisis. What’s Aids daddy? A reason to become a Lesbian. You can take a licking and keep on ticking.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Little Bear is Roger Waters in the Wall

Bill Maher talking down to a Latino Republican on Real Time.
The wall is more than symbolic Bill. Wait a minute Juan. What do Latino Republicans know about Pink Floyd the Wall? I thought you guys skipped your Santana pothead phase in college all together.

Henry Ford blamed the Jewish German bankers for starting World War 2. He also accepted the Grand Cross of the German Eagle from the Nazi’s just to assuage his feelings for his peace ship conference going nowhere. Some model plan b.

Rep. Rashida Tlaib was just matching Trump’s foul mouthed smack talk. No she wasn’t, because “we’re going to impeach that motherf—er is low IQ, fake news funny. Good to know Kid Rock country is under Sharia law now though.

Schumer insisting Trump is the one throwing a temper tantrum is like Rob Reiner telling the new PLO rep from Michigan to take a chill pill.

Enough with Trump choose fear Pelosi. Trump didn’t fabricate avoidable, rape, assault and murder. But making California a sanctuary for encouraged lawlessness gives you the moral high ground denture breath.

What’s there to be skeptical about? More Americans will die this year from drugs than all the Americans who died from Vietnam. But boomers don’t feel the need to politicize this issue. Despite their kids being druggy dependents for life.

What’s the Democratic’s noble purpose? Ensuring a Park Ranger at Yosemite doesn’t miss another check? Or is it rigging more elections through illegal voting so they can stay in power in longer because they’re power hungry parasites.

We can secure our border by other means. How so Chuck? You got some Iron Man armor to sell Border Patrol? Perhaps, a clone of Green Lantern’s ring to create a green laser fence in place of steel slats. You’re still down with clones? Aren’t you pal?

The worst part about blaming the rise of Trump on Fox News. Is it scoffs at the notion of America voting for a regime change. After Obama castrated our military, declared war on cops, nuke gifted Iran and let heroin spread like wild fire on his watch.

Fact is Democrats will never win another election in this country if they don’t stop treating Fox News like the big bad, wolf. Hannity is a blimpy blowhard in a suit and Tucker is a preppy, grating twerp with good hair. Get over it.

When your parents are cool spending another indoor summer in Arizona away from their 3 grandchildren for 4 years straight. Bordering on almost full blown neglect. It’s safe to say, they’re not suffering from family separation anxiety.

Wife
I love school delays.
Me
Of course you do. Its gives you an out for being in zero rush to read my 2nd piece republished on the Good Men Project this week.

The Mama of Little Bear would love to give him Melotonin
Bear Gummies if she could. So she could squeeze in another steamy romance novel before bed with Fabio as the voice of Smokey Robinson Bear whenever Papa bear’s on a fishing trip in Alaska.

Little Bear is primarily about Little Bear being obsessed about being abandoned by his father. Awake or asleep , he just imagines being reunited with this dad. But kids need mom around more.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Why Stay At Home Comedian Sells Huge

Half of America’s 64 million branded racists to be exact, will clamor to buy a copy because for 2 years straight they haven’t been hearing this material on Kimmel.

Who doesn’t want to read A plus jokes shadowbanned by Twitter and LinkedIn to reveal what fascist, free speech censoring, fake news morality police overlords Silicon Valley has become.  Since selling their souls to China to play Steve Jobs for a living, minus chummy relationships with Bono.

Because Stay At Home Comedian provides a funny, moving, heartfelt, inspirational tale about rising from slug to stud as the new face of the remote work revolution.

Because most prose essay stylists, Gore Vidal and Anthony Bourdain excluded, suck out loud off the page. And couldn’t ad lib laugh yanker funny if their free nespresso pod deal for life from Harper Collins depended on it. Stay At Home Comedian doesn’t have this issue nor does suffer from self-esteem issues, writing about himself in the 3rd person like a too tall Jew, Rick Henderson in the process.

It sells huge because books on fatherhood suck and mostly boring novels nobody reads anymore anyway.

Its sells huge because in Stay At Home Comedian Joan Rivers lives, by outpunching her prose by loading his paragraphs with more condensed, smart laugh yankers than she ever did in her essay collections like I Hate Everyone and Diary of Mad Diva, no offense.

It sells huge because of the jokes in Stay At Home Comedian have been embraced and loved by Twitter homies and WordPress Peeps already.

Its sells huge because 1st person narratives on fatherhood from a comedian’s perspective haven’t existed prior because the successful ones have been to busy on the road making a living, trying to keep their families together. Being a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3 with no grandparent assistance in sight. I haven’t had such freedom or a booking agent, or enough practice stage time to do so.

It sells huge because Whoopie will love my story about Paul Mooney on the View.

It sells huge because the Good Men Project has republished chapters of the book prior solidifying my good man status such as “Wishing My Son’s Birthday Never Blows”, “3 Kids is Brave” and “Birth of a Pescatarian Comedian.” Also the Good Men Project partners with other publishing sites like the Huffington Post so I can’t be perceived as too much of a hateful, divisive monster. Especially after you feel the palpable love and gratitude I express for becoming an unplanned parent in my falling for fatherhood love tale for the ages.

Its sells huge because half of America can’t resist stories of my kids hugging flags and reverse narrative control, describing in full blown comedic detail why Hillary Hammer Time Cankles is not and will never be my daughter’s role model.

It sells huge because I’ve amassed 27 hours of A list standup material in the form of 57 plus podcasts over 1 year alone off the weed. John Lennon wishes he was this productive during his stay at home dads years.

It sells huge because in the age of me to, there’s been no other do it all dad pride incarnate voice, insisting on his 2 sons carrying around pre-poundage release forms once they start junior high.

It sells huge because the brothers love me and I always said, Kayne West knows friendship best.

It sells huge because New Yorkers grow up in melting pots like myself so Stay At Home Comedian can connect, entertain and move almost anybody.

It sells huge because I’m a more literate, hungry, poetic Howard Stern.

It sells huge because my children are superior company than most which is a glorious reflection of my own larger than life personality.

It sells huge no other humor books are funny because the real comedians who get laughs on stage for a living, save their best material for their road act off the page.

It sells huge because the writing in Stay At Home Comedian isn’t edgeless, soft served, musings on parenthood compared to Tina Fey’s Bossypants.

It sells huge because other prose stylist essayists like the late Christopher Hitchens don’t talk about God in the most heart tingly, soul stirring way I do.

It sells huge because I’ll look better than Michael Chabon on the book cover despite my eyes not looking as dreamy, nor be showcasing my chosen curls anymore.

It sells huge because Stay At Home Comedian slapping his bum with a spatula as his 3 kids point up laughing in hysterics is money in the bank, after the reading the caption below, controlling my kids with comedy.

It sells huge because men don’t have any modern day, funny man, American stylists to fill Bourdain’s shoes until now. Fire and Knives published my piece Anthony Bourdain Rips My Frozen Lunch Apart. And empower his voice with even greater, lacerating gusto at my expense.

It sells huge because what else are you getting your dad for Father’s Day next year,  a book by BJ Novak? He’s likeable but nobody loves him. Comedy Central felt the same when they resigned Trevor Noah for the forseeable future.

It sells huge because I’ll go on Seth Meth Meyers only to make fun of him. If you’re not scared of Trump, then, I’m into my mother as much as Seth Meyers.

It sells huge because if Ben Shapiro can make anyone endure his voice past the 2 minute mark, then I’m made in the shade.

It sells huge because old school comedians like Seinfeld will get his wife to promote by book based on the chapter “Shoulder Rides on the Shoulders of Comedy Giants alone.”

Its sells huge because by writing about my 3 pitch perfect, ultra sweet kids I minimize my asshole vibe while still delivering the laughs better than others.

It sells huge because I’m dunking a basketball on the back cover while slamming a Torpedo double IPA beer from Sierra Nevada which is worth the 27 dollar price tag alone.

It sells huge because I’m more loveable and just as biting as Roseanne ever was.

It sells huge because my computer passwords for everything are either best seller or Samuel wins, my lucky number 3. So Stay At Home Comedian, “Controlling My Kids with Comedy” is bound for glory. Freeing me up from a 8-7 job so I can write more best selling books with my lucky 3 Samuel by my side.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

What Happens to Stay At Home Comedian?

He scores a lit agent and a big time publishing deal for his follow up smash hit book, Birth of a Pescatarian Comedian, Family Meals Reviews one rant at a time.

He celebrates by taking his daughter skating in Wollman Rink in Central Park this winter before they nosh on primo high end smoked salmon tea Sandwiches at Tavern on the Green soon after. Giving his daughter a taste of the big time for a change.

He helps co-write a book with the 11 year winner of Shark Tank, Jack Bonneau about financial literacy for aspiring young entrepreneurs deciding to be their own best role models called, Trillionaire Baby. And Betsy Devos makes it mandatory reading for all US high school students graduating the 6th grade.  Opener reads. 7 year old daughter asks me. Daddy, how many zeros are in a trillion? Daddy, do you really have to Google that? Daddy, are you financially illiterate? Is this why you call yourself a degenerate Jew? Dad replies. I did have to partner with a 12 year old with enough profit making prowess and working financial credit to write a book on the subject kiddo.  I only wish my Math SAT scores were sealed like Obama’s college records.

He takes his family to Copenhagen next summer for a book signing tour, becoming the funniest, most outrageous, spokesperson for the wonders of attachment parenting and how working remote in addition to controlling our kids through comedy can make our kids great again.

He buys his son Arthur Morrison Kornbluth his own guitar already and befriends a guitar teacher. And write a book together about the greatest guitar shredder history teacher of all time. Who wants to make guitar shredding pop metal sheik fly high with the angels for old times sake.

He renews his vows to his wife, Natalia Anna Duffy, but writes them on his own this time. Obviously, only being in charge of the wedding playlist 7 years ago was his only capable contribution.

He buys his wife the wedding ring based on his own earnings, not his parents because his wife Natalia, future Boob Doctor, Lactation Consultant for the stars deserves to be showered with love for her endless investment post three children in his funny man writing paying huge dividends already.

He starts hosting his family meal review cooking show Double Talk With Chef Samuels, his Gerber baby incarnate 2 year old son on YouTube, scoring Ninja blender as their 1st major sponsor in the process.

He takes his Do It All Dad Year podcast to new heights by becoming a medium for dead famous dads, conveying their must hear messages, resolving unfinished business for tremendous, hilarious, moving impact.

He writes a thank you letter for every sales manager who ever fired him,

He flies out to LA to celebrate with his best bud Jay, who always believed in him making it, despite coming home from work, watching him tell a bomb show of joke stabs in front of the mirror again and again.

He goes on Tucker Carlson to shower love on Barnes Noble and his publisher Harper Collins for keeping freedom of speech alive and for not shadow banning him yet.

He goes on Howard Stern and makes fun of Howard for paying his writers shit.

He goes on the Joe Rogan Podcast and get’s stoned for old time sake because he’s really earned it this time around.

He appears on InfoWars and says Joan lives after every punchline he delivers.

He appears on the Russell Brand podcast and suggests they do a movie together about getting banned from England and pissing off the royal family royally.

He performs at the White House Correspondents Dinner in 2020 as a 2 time best selling author. And does 20 minutes on Michelle Wolf and Raggedy Ann go to a bar material alone.

He get’s out the house more than usual to take his old friend Chaim out to lunch in Manhattan for encouraging him to do a podcast which lead the launch of his successful author career.

He reconnects with his old high school friend Ari who told him to keep writing on top of saying, you can be great.

He takes out his copywriting teacher at Media Bistro in Manhattan for pushing him to write a pilot for Amazon which lead to his TV writing break at VH1 Classic in Manhattan for America’s Hard 100.

He takes his dad out in Arizona for a round of golf on his dime for a change. Mom asks: Why are you acting like such a big deal all of a sudden son? Stay At Home Comedian replies: You wouldn’t be interested. Mom says: Why not? Stay At Home Comedian responds. Remember, the letter you sent me stating, to never expect you to show any interest in my writing career as an unemployed comedian/father of 3? Silence ensues. Yeah, like I said, you wouldn’t be interested.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

Instead Of Drugs Say Yes To Fatherhood

All drug abuse stems from low self-esteem, scarcity of real friends and too much free time on your hands.  So clean your up your act like Motely Crue did on Dr. Feelgood and what Amy Winehouse did on Back To Black and give birth to a new and improved you. Devoid of any lingering, Freshman year one hitter clogged up Chakra residue of rageful, fucking up regret of yesteryear already.

I started smoking weed in high school after my lost year of socialized development in 9th grade playing GJ-Joes all by myself in semi-splendid isolation.  I recall getting a puberty book in the 8th grade for Chanukah. Thinking, great gift mom. Can’t wait to recall how behind schedule I already am. Later I blurt, “Mom, getting this gift in front of my younger brother is humiliating. He’s already hit puberty. So he can play with himself whenever he wants.” Moms replies. “But you do that all the time with your GI Joe figures.”

Writing these straight forward, book proposal sheets for my parenting humor debut book Stay At Home Comedian are more enlivening, written in punchy prose, despite me recycling material older than Yiddish at this stage of my life.

But the more I think about it Random House, Penguin Books, Bukowski’s editor who fed him an advance in the form of Mars Bars before completing his debut novel Post Office. Documenting his mail route, pre-smart phone, involving intricate weave of routes throughout East Los Angeles to make my own brain feel fried from smoking too much Angel Dust homes.  So a listing of what main arguments my debut parenting humor book are as follows.

Stay At Home Dads get no respect from fake feminists.

Fake Feminists try to make stay at home dads feel like sheltered bums.

Controlling your kids through comedy works.

The Rod didn’t work out too well for Michael.

Helicopter Parents created mumble-core, twerps and fucked their kids up good.

White privilege reverse racism exists, no he didn’t. Yes, I did.

This is do it all dad it all dad possess superior calming skills than mama because controlling your kid through comedy works. Plus, funnier dad, happier baby.

Kids behave in public when your hold them to higher social standards than ANTIFA.

Old school shoulder rides rule.

Favorites never change.

Husbands today have to work remote or they’ll be charged with sexual harassment. Assuming all meetings over Skye start with. Husbands only, raise your hands high, where I can see them.

Bonding over fatherhood isn’t always recommended because those men could’ve have estranged kid relations of their own.

Kids need dad around more.

Book Authors are fire proof.

Books on Fatherhood blow.

Pride is on my side.

Comedy control rules.

Kids are better than best friends because they make you feel better than loved.

My 3 son, Samuel Teddy was bound to woo.

Shadow Banning is real.

Fatherhood grants you the chance to re-raise yourself in the form of classically trained baby, evolving from Hendrix to Mahler.

Falling for fatherhood means loving the opportunity to love your kids better than your parents did.

Befriending a black lit agent and black editor is in my best interests.

Facebook has rendered baby boomers bare minimum grandparent providers.

My gap years were the best of times and worst of times.

I’m a strong contender for Politically Incorrect Prisoner of the Year.

Hillary Hammer Time Cankles isn’t my daughter’s role model.

A Vasectomy screams I’m pulling out because I no longer feel like I’m winning.

4 Halloween jokes is all your need.

There’s really funny people and Judd Apatow.

My daughter is the best bud Sarah Silverman never had.

Oversharing with your kids about your problems with weed addiction will make sure they don’t buy into the it’s just an herb pitch.

Coming to terms with your ex-social life pre 3 kids is easier when you realize how you only want to celebrate your most important wins with them now above all else.

Husbands today are expected to do more than knock up their wives every 2 years.

Husbands today prop up Columbus to their kids because they refuse to be slaves to political correctness in their own homes. But Matilda without Columbus, Bernie Sanders has no white devil American to cash in on and his gravy train goes sailing.

Fatherhood doesn’t guarantee you won’t sexualize your kids toys again in the PG-13 joke riffing sense.

Grandparents love their grandchildren more but not really.

God gives kids to only the lonely.

Stranger anxiety is fake news, either my kids are into you or their not.

3 kids isn’t brave.

Stay At Home Dads can’t survive as Welfare Moms forever.

Kids birth new daydreams to will into reality.

I’ll take my snuggling forties over my snuggling twenties any day of the week.

Baby Boomer arrogance never dies.

Celebs playing dad aren’t around enough to be featured star players.

The science of fatherhood doesn’t work well in my dad’s favor.

Bed sharing with my baby, otherwise known as attachment parenting is like planting seeds of self-esteem on steroids.

It feels good when your kids fight for sole ownership rights of you. No, he’s my daddy, my son declares. It feels good to be fought over sowing so much despair.

A son’s love urges you to become a famous author but funnier than Weird Al by Christmas or I’ll give kill you with our sharpest knife for real.

Grandparent bad manners is adopting a rescue dog without consulting their 3 grandchildren 1st. Knowing, they’ll no longer be the center of their attention when they’re around.

Baby Boomer resistors hate pictures of their grandchildren hugging Old Glory.

Excessive weed use in my life has done more harm than good.

Only agency IT recruiters get less respect than Stay At Home dads on the job so I can’t complain being a former Schmuck in a headset for hire.

Kids love back because when you play with them come rain or shine. Thinking to yourself I can’t believe they’re real or mine.

Males today must masturbate, it’s our only safety rail left.

It’s impossible for stay at home dads to feel like their own man as a financial dependent.  Especially, when your wife’s smart phone sends her an alert every time you make another questionable purchase at home. Wife calls: Hey Hubby, so how was bride of Chucky?

10,000 plus retweets were worth it because stay at home dad comedians needs all the wins they can muster.

Funnier dad happier baby. You want a photo off old man?

Favorites never change.

God didn’t give me 3 kids to have panic attack over it.

American Dad is educational.

Stay At Home Dads hate each other.

Getting love from skin cancer isn’t a guaranteed done deal.

Working remote can make our kids great again.

God gives kids to only the lonely.

LavarBall as my sub dad growing up would ensure my younger brother never lost his virginity before I did. He’d offer Rihana future profit participation points to pop my cherry in Junior High. So, I’d automatically feel like a bigger ball inside. And no longer run the down the court on my tippy toes looking I was in running high heels instead of high tops. As LaVar Ball my sub dad barks out in disgust from the sideline “We’re trying to sell Baller Wear son, not Jimmy Choo’s.”

Kayne West knows friendship best.

Facebook has made Baby Boomers the laziest grandparent generation ever.

Better than loved is your daughter looking up to you with her adoring blaster eyes.

Bare Minimum Grandparent providers make you a tighter home team.

Children are better than you.

Part Animal DNA doesn’t die in you once you have children.

Failing to be a provider bites.

1 kid only means you’re not ready to quit your lifestyle anytime soon either.

Hate is good because it highlights what to avoid from ruining your happiness bubble at home for future reference.

Book Authors are fire proof.

God made Neil Degrasse Interesting for 3 minute spurts.

Success in Rape Wood alone is overrated.

My wife sucks at life or death reminders.

Singing Rose my daughter and 1st born of 3 is the last person on earth deserving my scorn.

There’s really funny people and Judd Apatow.

4 Halloween Jokes is all you need.

Kids need dad around more.

Media is good, Trump is bad has stripped old world media capacity for objective thought. Reducing them into mere jealous frothing, twitter twats who can’t understand why Trump get’s so many more retweets than their Trump is going downtown hit pieces at nauseum.

Fatherhood is a do over life improver. Assuming, you’ve learned how if you can’t high off your own kids divine powered presence. Then, your sanity has gone sailing like those baby boomer resistor. Who’ve resigned to remaining glued to CNN versus rational, independent, thought.

 

Besides all those arguments I advance in my parenting humor book Stay At Home Comedian, controlling my kids through comedy. I’m now thinking NYC editor, obsessed with new writer platforms because killer A list material is always promoted, endorsed and made SEO friendly from the tech overlords of Silicon Valley at Google, Facebook and Twitter. Especially, when you share your fondness for a president who works for free and Toby Keith playlists.  Now, I’m thinking the title of my book which also catapults into the humor, parenting and holiest of holies, self-help section at Barnes Noble for drug fried readers who are all fucked up in the head. Who find Tony Robbins at a tad too alpha male for their taste. Who haven’t worked in enough bullpen sales offices like myself to handle such an tsunami of chest barreled f bombs for emphasis. Could pick up my debut self-help book, “Instead Of Drugs Say Yes To Fatherhood.” How 3 kids got my act together, one bit at a time. “Flying High Daddy”, from slug to stud. How 3 kids got my act off the ground already isn’t chopped liver either. Just give me advance money to wrap up this monster best seller already because Twitter can’t shadowban my A list American Dad loving material at Barnes and Noble just yet.

 

Fatherhood was the best kickstart to my heart to get sober and serious about making it as a successful author already, to complete my rise from slug to slug as the new face of the remote working revolution. Plus, I don’t rock a beard to cover 6 layers of neck fat which no longer exist hipster hobbits. I really did my best to be a functional pot head. I really tried my best to raise my kids on speed, Adderall specifically. But my history of drug dependence is over now because I’m no better than my mere schmuck in a headset during IT recruiter years throughout my entire twenties. For failing to recognize how booze maximizes my nasty mean gene vibe to the max. Weed, no matter how good the batch, dulls the impact, of my Aries punchy might. And Adderall renders me into a bitchy diva with a persecution complex no better than Princess Diaries Lebron James. No need for rehab Amy, when you got fatherhood. I only wish you could’ve become a mother and got to experience the same for yourself my Jewish soul sister from another mother.

 

In Chaim Potok’s Chosen, he talks about all of us being born with a “tiny spark of goodness.” And how it’s our job to nurture it. Well, bang out a kid fellas and you’re half way to the end zone. Now, all you go to do is say no to more drugs and start inhaling your kids feet instead. Before going in for a harmonica rib nosh for your new cherished night cap. Releasing shrieks of joy. Which cascade into one endless rhapsody of peek delight. Oh yeah, last argument I’m advancing in my book Mr. Editor/Lit Agent who isn’t a born again resistor. Who didn’t even know what the midterms were 2 months ago. Neither did I but I’m not you thank God. Oh yeah this is it, final argument, adult interaction is so overrated. Especially when your 3 fuss free, love supreme sweet kids are superior company than most.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No, He’s My Daddy

My 4 year son old Art Show USA was born on New Years Day. So, he’ll never be hard pressed to recruit boys out on his birthday. Before the inevitable last minute desperate dash toward whatever non-hoarded around muff in attendance.

My son’s real name is Arthur Morrison Kornbluth. Your move Judd Apatow. That’s right, you were blessed with too overly heady, nerdy girls. Google death was funny though. Albert Brooks saved This is 40 from being passable as a comedy film Woody.

So my son’s name Arthur Morrison Kornbluth is fitting because he was born in the true spirit of f you parental rebellion. After my dad urged me to refrain from having more after Matilda. Enjoy more Indian Summers in Arizona without us pops.

Arthur was the only planned baby of my 3 but certainly not in the wholesome loving sense. My dad says on my birthday. Don’t have a 2nd kid. I can’t afford it. I pulverize my wife’s vagina 2 hours later. Now Art Show is 5 in 11 hours.

Art Show USA was the easiest birth ever and he’s a a dreamboat existence since. He slipped out of mama easier than I do from behind her doggy style 3 kids later. Paging Doc Hollywood. Vag Tighten up in aisle 1.

After I had Arthur, I remember my dad saying. Coaching you in basketball is a great memory of mine. Strangling my self-esteem like a non-touchy feely Bobby Knight by calling me a soft pussy constantly did wonders for my self-esteem also.

No he’s my daddy screams, I’ll be in no rush to join a Fraternity to prove my manhood to strangers in baseball hats. Who can’t wait to exact revenge on pledges because they wanted easy access to fresh off the press puss.

No he’s my daddy, means, he doesn’t give me middling, less slovenly, sloppy seconds treatment compared to virtual grandparents on both sides of the bare minimum grandparents divide.

When Arthur and Matilda fought over dad ownership rights as I tucked them both in. By each one out pronouncing each other. No he’s my daddy. No he’s my daddy. I felt like Hugh Hefner minus the mansion, sex life and cashmere slippers.

It’s very flattering to have your 2 kids fight over ownership rights of you. No, he’s my daddy, no he’s my daddy. I think it’s safe to say I don’t have a future Magic Mike or girl from the Fallen Angel video on my hands yet either.

To hear my son say, no he’s my daddy screams, back off big sis. I hate girls being 1st. I don’t care what NPR says.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Shadowban Reality Test

Shadowbanning is realer than being blinded by Louie CK’s Jupiter sun spots on his ball sack backstage in his dressing room at Carnegie Hall.

Shadowbanning is realer than Woody Allen’s stash of Soon Yi’s best of Time Life photos stashed away in his top sock drawer. To tap for new film idea inspiration, naturally.

Shadowbanning is realer than fake news calling Stormy Daniels a porn star. That’s like calling Lexington Steele a sideline freak.

Shadowbanning is realer than Transgender Fathers Day pleas for recognition. Either you’re an involved dad or you aren’t, nipple tits. I thought getting shafted wouldn’t be such a shock to your system anymore either.

Shadowbanning is realer than Chuck D’s lyrics, assuming you can’t get past the fact he came from an upper middle class suburb in yenta country Long Island.

Shadowbanning is realer than Chris Matthews sexually harassing his new intern at MSNBC. “Eating out Maddow. Counts as your lunch break babe.”

Shadowbanning is realer than hate speech claims by Facebook and Twitter. Used to justify the blockage of joke shrouded truth bombs. Revealing what divisive, garbage the media spoon feeds to mush brained baby boomers for a living.

Shadowbanning is realer than Trump’s campaign slogan not being, “Let’s Make Nazi Germany Great Again.”

Shadowbanning is realer than reruns of Roseanne having been replaced by reruns of the Cosby Show and commercials for Ambien in heavy rotation.

Shadowbanning is realer than Russell Simmons denying all rape allegations against him. “Read my lisp. I never raped any of those vengeful, over the hill ho’s.”

Shadowbanning is realer than Bill Simmons, holier than now, Kumquat smirk. Which screams I exude 0.0 gravitas off the page. So much for being in a nice leather chair on HBO being a game changer difference maker.

Shadowbanning is realer than stay at home mom school cafeteria bans in Darien, CT. I guess mommy blogger meetups have limited appeal after all.

Shadowbanning is realer than Trump passed drug reform. African American’s got 99 problems but reduced prison sentences for 1st time drug offenders isn’t one of them.

Shadowbanning is realer than claims of Deblasio turing his wife straight. Like garlic breath converted her? He eats pizza with a fork and knife. Can you really picture Big Bird, bury his beak into her bean pie with such sloppy, abandon?

Shadowbanning is realer than JK Rowling writing Harry Potter without the assistance of a ghost writer. Being homeless one second, hit novelist the next. Do her Oxford Wizard types seem like bar fly Bukowski material to you?

Shadowbanning is realer than Kathy Griffin ruining Fashion Police. Before looking like Trans Chucky and a skinned Clifford had a baby.

Shadowbanning is realer than 1.5 billion given to Iran. To make the economy less dependent on on the sale of rugs and hair removal products for the Kardashians.

Shadowbanning is realer than Comey’s anemic book sales. 50% percent off never felt such a bad deal.

Shadowbanning is realer than Dinero acting smart left to his own faculties without Marty.

Shadowbanning is realer than calls to ban ICE. Because homeland security is so weapons of mass destruction years.

Shadowbanning is realer than Kate Spade’s most passive aggressive suicide note ever. It’s not your fault. Dad will explain. Dad screams. Explain what? I’m the one you couldn’t live with? What a bag of shit, Kate!

Shadowbanning is realer than Keith Ellison’s Borders Are Bullshit T-Shirt Kwanza gifts for staffers at the DNC.

Shadowbanning is realer than Obama crying over his torn up Iran Deal. At least the NY Times Op-Ed section is a shoulder to cry on. Facebook is the surrogate, loving dad for Obama. Who hasn’t bailed on him yet.

Shadowbanning is realer than Lebron getting the idea to wear a cast. After Michelle threatened to break her arm up in Obama’s crack if he ever offered Paul Newman’s Lemonade to Beyonce over her prized homemade Kombucha.

Shadowbanning is realer than Jeffrey Tambor getting fired from Transparent. Blasting his co-star for pissing on the toilet seat in his trailer. “Real lady like. Now get out of my trailer, you butchy bitch, hey now.”

Shadowbanning is realer than Stay At Home Dads feeling like full time welfare mothers until we become the bigger earners. And then I’m going buy this town and put in my shoe. It’s what I’m going do. Jimi lives.

Shadowbanning is realer than my gap years on my LinkedIn Resume, making me searchable under popular searches such as homemaker. My podcast post on LinkedIn, “Raising my Kids on Adderall”, must have been a dead giveaway.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth