BE FUNNIER THAN WEIRD AL BY CHRISTMAS

Daddy, what’s confidence? Telling doubt, see ya, wouldn’t want to be yah. Or as Axl Rose sings in Mr. Brownstone, Worryin’s a waste of my time. And I’m not Heavy Metal’s answer to Richard Lewis.

Nationalist is a loaded word. The N bomb is a load word. ANTFA lives matter is an oxymoron.
Starting shit with my mother in law part 1
Enough with grace in our home Rosa.
None of my children including myself believe Jesus was the real Messiah.
If so God would’ve started a Kickstarter campaign to pay for our moving costs to Israel already.

Starting shit with my mother in law part 2
Don’t force my kids to say Grace unless black Jesus Haile Selassie is included. He’s God incarnate, direct of descent of David. His body disappeared to, just saying. You better recognize.

Starting shit with my mother in law part 3
Don’t force my kids to say Grace.
I love me some Jesus but don’t believe he’s the Messiah.
Fake news Nazi smears, ANTIFA & CNN suing the White House doesn’t feel like the age of messianic peace within me.

Motley Crue ranks as the best brawling band ever because of the long reach of Tommy Lee and Nikki Sixx alone. The Allman Brothers had black bassist Berry Oakley but Dwayne Allman is getting his ass whipped easy and looked like he was dying to begin with.

Yelling at my daughter is like yelling at the Grateful Dead for opening up with St. Stephen because Jon Mayer looks prettier than Trey playing it obviously.

How do you hate the movie Rudy? Dare I quote Ike on Veterans Day? “It’s not size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” F the underdog Rudy. Spoken like the last Jeb Bush fan on earth.

But really how do you hate the movie Rudy? That’s like hating Eric Stoltz for hooking up with Laura Dern in Mask or hating Lupus for snagging a grab in Bad News Bears.
Or hating Daniel Day’s Lewis’ club left foot.

Louie CK is right. Most kids can be annoying assholes. Mine are fuss free. But hipster husband talk of white nationalists turning America into an Aryan nation despite no Edward Norton, American History X knockoffs gracing the Oval Office is so tolerable.

Met Stan Lee in Beverly Hills. Told him, I loved him in Mallrats. Jagger and me, we had a running contest, last time I looked I was way ahead. What an inspired writer life he lived. Goodbye sweet prince of boyhood wonder and creatively jacked good guy delight.

Int. Home
Wife
You went to the new Stop & Shop in Mahopac?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I’ve seen more sure footed tourists in Times Square.
I hear. Can you direct me to the canned goods and frozen food sections please? Yikes!

Racist Case Against Trump
He called the White Nationalist Protesters in Charlottesville, nice people. Did Trump name names & give shouts out to Schillinger from OZ and his kids Screaming Nazi and Hail Jager Goldschlager?

#FacebookDown was down on Monday but Farrakhan’s page was still up. Zit Face Zuck must label his anti-Jew tirades as fake news hate speech or inspired filler for Spike Lee’s new joint.

Michelle Obama says Melania never reached out to ask her advice on being 1st lady. Like Melania planned on rocking the Kwanza themed decorations for Christmas. Or had to rely on Michelle for Fashion tips once Fashion Police got terminated.

Michelle Obama says Melania never reached out to ask her advice on being 1st lady. I’m sure her perpetual, bitchy scowl during Trump’s inauguration had nothing to do with it. Or how Michelle didn’t bother doing her hair according to my barber.

Michelle Obama says Melania never reached out to ask her advice on being 1st lady. Or inquire about Beyonce’s secret Lemonade recipe. Produce a documentary on yourself for Netflix already called “Ungracious 1st Lady.”

Michelle Obama says Melania never reached out to ask her advice on being 1st lady. Last time I checked, Barron isn’t the one passing out at Lollapalooza on more than just Fun Dip. Nor is he interning for Miramax either.

Michelle Obama says Melania never reached out to ask her advice on being 1st lady. On what, how to strip the Oval Office of all high class prestige but letting it all hang out on Ellen? In white slacks after Labor Day to top it off.

Bud
How about Melo?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Contrary to popular belief, I think he’s a poor excuse for a leader.
Who failed to live up to hype like Obama on Cheeseburgers.

 

Long Island City is so hot now because Amazon’s coming to town. No, it’s not. It’s still Queens. Compared to Manhattan and Brooklyn, Queens is still the sloppy 3rd Kardashian sister. Whose easy to pound at 3 in the morning like a lamb gyro in Astoria.

 

With Amazon moving to town, the 7 line will be tighter than Nas Ilmatic, represent, represent, represent.

 

INT. Car
Son
Be funnier than Weird AL by Christmas Dada. Or I’m killing you with our sharpest knife for real.
Stay At Home Dad
I better get sharper by writing funnier jokes then.

 

INT. Car
Son
Be funnier than Weird AL by Christmas Dada. Or I’m killing you with our sharpest knife for real.
Stay At Home Dad
How did you get so tough?
Son
My daddy’s a killer comedian.

INT. Car
Son
Be funnier than Weird AL by Christmas Dada. Or I’m killing you with our sharpest knife for real.
Stay At Home Dad
I’ll go for the jugular kid.
Forward force all the way.

INT. Car
Son
Be funnier than Weird AL by Christmas Dada. Or I’m killing you with our sharpest knife for real.
Daughter
Kill or be killed by political correctness Dada.
Don’t make Obama’s legacy the death of comedy to.

 

THE END

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LAST PERSON ON EARTH DESERVING MY SCORN

I hate to admit it but I’m too liberal with my screaming voice, especially around my 3 children, especially around Matilda, my 1st born. My best friend in the universe. I recall getting jealous of her wish at the mall once. I give her a quarter to throw in the fountain. I ask what she wished for. She wished, her old school Pre-K friend Cecilia never dies. And I say. “Did you ever considering wishing that your borderline hilarious dad never bombs on stage with an untested opener again sunshine? Because once the hole is dug, you’re like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill flailing with all of your might, in a coffin buried six feet under. And I never took Kung Fu like yourself to learn the 5-point palm exploding heart technique to use in case I’m confronted with another life or death emergency of my own doing, again and again.”
Last night, I’m downstairs with my wife watching the season finale for Always Sunny, “Mac Finds His Pride”, all 3 kids are asleep, so I think around nine. Then, I hear some slight feet poundage upstairs. I freak out prematurely. What’s new? And yell “go to bed” like Charlie from Always Sunny because he yells all his lines 99% of the time. And my pith perfect daughter replies in an ultra-upset perplexed state, “I was just going to the bathroom.” Talk about feeling like a total rageful, hateful, Twitter Twat resistor on the spot. Within less than 2 seconds, I became what I detest most. The yelling, hysterical, bile bully cliché incarnate.

I always stress to my kids the importance of trusting their gut to determine right from wrong. So, wanting to keep my a-hole enshrouded hypocritical streak from sapping it of all parental pride left all together. I dart upstairs to kiss my best friend on the cheek and stroke her forehead before telling her I’m sorry. “Daddy overreacted, and you don’t deserve to be yelled at ever. I’m so sorry. It’s ok Daddy. I just had to go to the bathroom. Stop rubbing it in, I feel crappy enough already.”

But is yelling at your kids really so bad? It didn’t work out too well for me as a kid. My dad yelled at me most when he coached me in basketball in elementary school. “Go up strong, stop jamming your fingers already, you knock-kneed freak. I don’t know how were related. Stop playing so soft. Who runs down the court on their tippy toes? I blew one hundred twenty dollars on David Robinson High Tops, not Jimmy Choo’s.” Or during Thanksgiving 1 year I recall my dad requesting with begrudging this is all my son has to offer bile. “Say something funny”, because that’s all your good for obviously. Would have I turned out to be less of an indecisive nervous wreck in high school on the court or off, especially around girls until I finally got to 2nd base summer after my Junior year in High School on a Kibbutz in Israel, if my dad was more of an emotive empowerer than a Screaming Nazi? I think so. Here I go again, using loaded Nazi language from the too liberal screamers on the left, using, reprehensible Nazi smears to silence any differing opinion against open borders for anyone who wants to crash our boomtime post Trumpian economy. No bouncers, metal detectors or dress code required.
Then again, I didn’t give my father much to emote about outside of killing it during my Bar Mitzvah during my Haftorah portion reading, which we worked on together. My dad reflects today. “Now your younger brother sucked up the joint at his Bar Mitzvah big time.” But my younger brother was always the favorite because he played football and that’s all that matters for my American Dad. You want not 1 but 2 girlfriends invited to your Bar Mitzvah party who you mounted during your mountain climbs during Wilderness Ventures, no problem, more the merrier son. Hold the party at a fancy country club in Lake Isle vs the shabby interior of the Reform Temple, normally used for seminars on “REFORMED WAYS TO NOT TOTALLY DISMISS JESUS AS FAKE NEWS PROPHET OF ANY KIND” Or other reform minded seminars including “HOW REFORMED JEWS CAN BE LESS ANTI-CHRIST.” But let’s be honest here folks. Comparing the wrathful tone of Leviticus to the PG friendly book of Matthew is like comparing Samantha Bee these days to Mr. Rogers.
The thing is my 3 kids, especially Matilda, never give me any real reason to yell at them. She looks up to me, respects me, cheers me, launches into yummy dances in honor of my veggie casserole supreme. Whizzing around the house with her 2 brothers behind, chanting, “best daddy ever, best daddy ever.” Just yesterday, my 7-year old daughter Matilda, Miss Musicality, draws me a complimentary Pinterest like Pinboard drawing on my computer paper of me teaching her about our 3 past General US presidents yesterday for Veterans Day. Drawing a guitar with lipstick on it, signifying her dad’s love for Poison’s C.C Deville’s guitar shafts in the video Nothing but Good Time. Who could resist? After I’m done playing teacher, which my daughter draws in crayon on her picture of me, “Dad playing teacher.” I say to my daughter. “Matilda if anyone at school ever says George Washington was a racist, you tell them he was the only slave holding US president ever to release all 120 of them. Plus, on top of that he hooked up all his ex-slaves with trust funds for their labors out of white privilege, I’m assuming. Which I can buy into 400 years ago as a living, breathing, oppressive, dehumanizing, non-Kosher reality, obviously.” My daughter replies. “But daddy, what’s a trust fund? It’s a paycheck you get every month from your rich parents when you get older. But it’s spread out over time to ensure you don’t become a coked-out, tormented degenerate. Who only hears last call from the bathroom stall for starters. Nobody earns the nickname Sir Snort A Lot for nothing.”
Sweet, Singing Rose Matilda. She always slept when I went for runs in her stroller along the Bronx River as I prepared for my 1st half marathon in Maine. Which I completed, hobbled with what felt like Daniels Day’s Lewis wart infested, callous hardened, stress attack of a sprained, club left foot for my final 6-mile stretch. Pure adrenaline and me telling myself, prove to your dad you’re not soft, pushed me past the finish line with super charged, kick start my heart, sober revived Motley Crew gusto. Then, I went to my kiss my 2-year-old son, Art Show USA after blazing past the finish line. Come to think of it, finishing strong has always been my forte assuming I commit to finishing before new goals grip my inner drive whole. I’m an all over the place, exhausting Aries through and through I know.

Anyway, back to my stupendous, high stepping, poor man’s prime time dart across the half marathon finish line. I dart right over to my beautiful, 1-year old son, Arthur Morison, most fuss free birth ever.

Been a radiant light of good vibrations and a hilarious undertow of sweet powered undertow ever since. So, there he is my beautiful boy. Who I want to love better and be a dream emotive empowerer the way I’ve continued to strive to be for his big sister and baby brother Samuel now. I lean in to hug my boy and my stiff, bore of a mother-in-law extends her stubby forearm and stiff arms me, trying to prevent me from embracing my beautiful, victorious moment with my baby boy because he was “sleeping.” I mouthed off. “You see the kids how many times each year? And now your playing concerned, all knowing, in tune with my kids sleep rhythms Grandma. I don’t think so Crumpet breath. Jewish Doubtfire over here don’t play that. I’ve raised my 3 kids no thanks to you or my mother for that matter. If anything, your granddaughter Matilda, is the best, present, involved Grandma figure her younger brother Arthur and now baby Samuel have. Whose wise beyond her years. She reads to them, puts on Hula Hoop Hip Hop shows with them, leads exercise routines with them, grabs nappies and a beer for daddy from the fridge on demand, no resistance, no I’m tired, no I’m not your wet nurse, ever.”

My daughter Matilda has been with me for all of the greatest moments of my life, outside of me killing at the New York Comedy Club for 1 of my 1st bringer shows where my old high school buds showed up. Best compliment I got that night was from a kid who hijacked my best friend in high school. The hijacker friend after the show says. “Loved your set and I don’t even like you.”
I never forgave my fake news, supposed best friend in high school for never acknowledging my John Candy biography book I got for his birthday one year. I wrote an inscription inside the book and everything. Come to think of it, I haven’t found the sub best friend to give such a personal, expressive gift to since. Until, my daughter Matilda was born. We saw Billy Joel for her 3rd birthday in Madison Square Garden. My mom warns. Make sure my granddaughter wears ear plugs. And I’m thinking. Whatever mom, we’re seeing Billy Joel, not Metallica front row. As a whole, Bill Joel’s music, especially these days sounds like lullaby music for eighties Republicans but thanks for your all insightful, buzz kill input as always.
I never want to be without my daughter. She’s pure, pollutant free sunshine come rain or shine. Yelling at sweet Matilda ever is like yelling at the Great Barrier Reef if you were a stubborn minded Atheist till snorkeling down under. Now face to face with pristine maritime, Genesis creation in real life, not on the page wonder. Incapable of refuting God’s handywork all around you.

You don’t know what love is until you father a girl and have your 7-year-old daughter profess how much she prefers your company over mama. Not that I needed any verbal confirmation of those deep rooted, feelings because I felt them within the depths of my core already. By the way sweet Matilda jumps into my arms after school. By the way, she strokes my beard but not for too long or I cut her off before I tuck her in at night. Or from the way, she snuggles up close to me at night in bed to do more Mad Libs and insist I use Unibrow for body parts again and again, if Buffalo Balls wasn’t used already in our new Thanksgiving Mad Libs edition. I felt the depths of my daughters love when we made boatloads of commercials on YouTube for my creative tech design staffing agency that went nowhere. But the commercials were smart, creative and very funny. And my 6-year-old daughter back then, required minimal takes to nail her lines every time. We called it Comedy Camp. We even got the Rev Bob Levy from the Howard Stern show and Richard Lewis to throw nice warm words of praise in this do it all dad’s direction. Rev sends me a direct message on Twitter. “You got it kid, funny, very relaxed.” What a compliment, thanks Rev. I didn’t score 1 group laugh from stand-up comedy in LA for a whole year almost 12 years ago. Hard work really does pay off. But you most always work the muscle. Either you use or lose it.

The thing is I let myself be bullied and pushed around in high school because I didn’t know how to defend myself with my brain or fists. As a result, I’ve become determined to ensure my 3 children, starting with 1st born Matilda doesn’t suffer from the same fixable fate. My 7-Year Old Daughter is already Kettle bell dense strong. Thanks to me pushing Kettle Bells swing exercise starting at 4 upward. This is my daughter fat shaming to ensure I give up beer forever this time. “Daddy, I’ve got a 4 pack. You’ve got a zero pack.” Plus, Female Flash’s one-liners are far funnier fierce than mine will ever be, thanks to her absorption of my funny leanings and teachings of course, naturally.
“Always save the punchline for the last word Matilda, say it with relish, deliver it with forward force style, zero hesitation, keep punching, never relent, “think good and will be good.” It’s not the size of the dog, but the fight in it, but chill out on getting competitive with Jesus Christ for the time being.” If I want to trigger my daughter, I’ll say. “According to the Mormon’s, Jesus Christ was the closest thing to a perfect human being. My daughter replies. Why daddy, because he became a Jew for Jesus? Isn’t that big no, no, in our Old Testament Book?” One night, I made my 1st homemade pizza using cornmeal for the base, with burrata. Think cream filled mozzarella. I topped the pie with roasted cherry tomatoes from our garden, sliced and drizzled in olive oil, ample sea salt and fresh cut basil. Daughter takes 1 bite and says. “Daddy, I know you really want to be a stand-up comedian because you tell jokes all the time when we’re out of the house and always make strangers laugh at the deli and coffee shop, but can’t you be a pizza maker in heaven instead?” How can anyone in their right mind, feel compelled to ever be or act annoyed angry at that?
I used to think using a selective screaming voice was essential to signify when I was really pissed off at my kid’s behavior because I’ve always held them to higher social standards than ANITFA for starters. But if I’m brutally honest with myself, I haven’t been too selective with my screaming voice as of late. And in fact, become guilty of liberal overkill use of it.
Alternative solutions to my selective screaming voice to express extreme A+ annoyance? Mimicking my 20-month-old Samuel’s manufactured shrikes of discomfort with mere mimicry works like charm every time. I literally mimic his wincing wails with exaggerated, you’d think an Alien was eating my intestines about now look and my baby boy laughs hysterically at my mimicry. Because I’m killing the pseudo tense, projected mood by making my 20-month-old son laugh. Mirroring how ridiculous his fake news freak-out attacks appear in actual reality. And the essence of laughter is a cathartic release of pent up overblown, pouty prissiness. Controlling your kids with comedy really works folks.
But the same managing approach applies to your employers also. If you mimic how ridiculous your Software Engineer sounds if they start bitching about shared Taco Tuesdays knowing, they’re free and the Al Pastor ones are a slow cooker braised, succulent delight unavailable to you at home because your working wife doesn’t cook. It will give the employee a needed dose of diva highlighting perspective in a NY minute. Our children mirror our behavior and so do employees. If a boss always talks down to you like a stupid kid. They’re going to act petulant, feel sorry for themselves, retreat into a little shell under their nightie and blame their boss for keeping them down instead of accepting responsibility for themselves. Isn’t it better, to occasionally use humor to reflect how childish employees or our children sound? Assuming under normal circumstances we treat our kids and employees with respect and hold them to higher social standards than petulant, heartless, serially selfish, disrespectful Twitter twats.
All I ever hear when I’m out in public is how good, sweet and well behaved my 3 children are. Well, I also don’t sugar coat it when they’re acting demonstrative like when my 4-year-old son, little Arthur starts ordering his big sister to play what he wants to play. In these moments, I’ll say. “Chill out Little Hitler. Nobody’s interested in your shitty landscape drawings of the Rhine River.” Nobody likes being called “Little Hitler.” So, nickname shaming your kids into changing their behavior instead of unleashing the selective yelling voice works also. At the same time, if I called my son Little Hitler every time, he couldn’t sit still for story time and insisted on pushing the blankets off the bed instead. The sting of nickname shaming him would lose the implied, sarcastic aside intended meaning behind it. You know like when no name putz breath guests on CNN call President Trump Hitler. Really, Trump is the new Hitler? In what Inglorious Bastards 2? And no offense Eminem but make Nazi Germany great wasn’t his campaign slogan. Trump also lifted the lifetime ban on Jewish membership at Mar-A-Lago Slim on Facts Shady.
A Famous old school comic, Victor Borge said “The shortest distance between 2 people is laughter.” So, is it any wonder how close I am to my daughter? Knowing how our laugh count among ourselves for 7 years straight is through the roof. As the most beautiful laughs emanate from my pitch perfect daughter onward and upward to Comedy Clown Heaven and above. Lighting up heavy hearted clowns of yesteryear like the late great Joan Rivers, riffing on Michelle Obama’s new book with Lenny Bruce, Bill Hicks, Rodney, Redd Fox, Patrice O’Neal, Greg Geraldo and Don Rickles at the famed Mount Olympus Diner. Joan Rivers says. “No offense Patrice, but if you were Melania, would you seek out advice on how to be a 1st lady from Michelle Obama? Like, Melania planned on rocking the Kwanza themed decorations for Christmas. Or had to rely on Michelle for fashion tips once Fashion Police got terminated. No thanks to that backstabbing bitch Kathy Griffin. Can we talk? She campaigned for my job when I was in a coma. God showed me the footage from above. And boy has Kathy Griffin gone bat shit crazy over Trump. What was she thinking with that hair? Now, Kathy looks like Clifford in Chemo and Trans Chucky had a baby. Joan lives.
The End,
By,
Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wife’s Birthday Party Gone South

Nationalist is a loaded word. The N bomb is a load word. ANTIFA lives matter is an oxymoron.

If I have to hear 1 more time. But the Israelis retaliate against the Palestinians with extreme force. What’s an acceptable response then? Poetry slams in a East Jerusalem coffee shop and dropping truth bombs about Hamas killing any shot of a 2 state solution instead?

You have Hypersexual Disorder. If a lower back massage leads to you ramming your pelvis into mama over the couch. I ask my daughter. You want to know how babies are made? Daughter says. Daddy, enough with “hump-backing” mama. Spare me the play, by play already.

 

My impersonation of Mike Birbiglia on Broadway
I felt so useless & sidelined after my wife gave birth to our daughter. So, I scribbled some jokes in my diary about how I get why Stallone left his wife in Over the Top. I’m feeling so vanilla vulnerable right now.

 

Michelle Obama says she stopped trying to smile at Trump’s Inauguration. Is like ANTIFA’s head of recruitment saying he stopped cashing checks from George Soros in his hidden Swiss bank account under Heidi Franz Krautpurgent.

Trump’s a white nationalist? But he moved our embassy to Jerusalem. So technically speaking, he’s a Hebrew Nationalist. Hebrew Hammer strikes his point home through his all mighty shtick again.

INT.  Home

Hub Guest

Louie CK is right. Most kids can be annoying assholes.

Stay At Home Comedian Dad

Mine are fuss free. But hipster husband talk of white nationalists turning America into an Aryan nation despite no Edward Norton, American History X knockoffs gracing the Oval Office feels like mainlining MDMA?

Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I enjoy mom’s friends over.
But do you know what I missed most yesterday kids?

Daughter
What daddy?
Dad
Focused attention away from you 3 kids. My greatest gifts of all.
Daughter
So everyday with us feels like Hanukkah, 8 days a week?

Stay At Home Comedian Dad
There’s funny & hilarious. Besides you being hyper-articulate Matilda.
You deliver naturalistic punchline words with extra personable pop and hilarious minded, expressive relish.

Daughter
I never want this compliment to end.

Who could resist this?

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Still Off IPA’s but back on Jokes Again

My 7 year old’s daughter’s developed sense of bullshit detection on full display.

Daddy, mommy said she could hang on a Trapeze Bar upside down with 1 leg when she was my age to. I wanted to say fake news mama. Bungee Jumping in Australia doesn’t require any upper hamstring strength either, raver hippie.

Obama and Michelle in Marriage Therapy
Trump won. I can’t be proud of our country anymore.
Despite a 7 figure advance on my memoir and my multi million dollar Netflix deal. Including free Uber and directors final cut.

Why would anyone name their kid Casper? Unless you’re Mel Brooks spoofing a Stephen King ghost story called Gentrification of Malcolm X Blvd.

 

Bakery Lady
Your sons are so handsome.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I already met with a lawyer to start drafting pre-poundage consent forms in their honor.

Bakery lady laughs long time.

1 Morning Prayer to Squeeze Into a Tweet
Lord, thank you making my son tougher than a black kid from Brooklyn. According to the ER Doctor after he got his stitches with no anesthesia because the line there was longer than the caravan, AMEN.

 

Morning Prayer In a Tweet Part 2
Lord, thank you for a daughter whose 10 times more impressive than mama and 10 times more athletic and 10 times more NY Jew smart ass smarter already at 7. Gentile Grandpa’s head hurts around her in a NY minute.

 

PR Hack for NBC
Will make Pete apologize on air live.
It will play well for #VeteransDay.
Then, Pete Davidson will no longer be perceived as Barney’s punk kid from the Simpsons. What, I used to do PR for Fox. Cut me some slack Lorne.

 

Macron is a jealous, little twat. Your country is ruined. And gripped in fear by you know who. Nationalism is a betrayal of patriotism. Of course he wants Uncle Sam to pick up their defense tab and bail their ass out of hell again.

What is Merkel giggling about? Her entire country has morphed into a no-go-rape zone. Her entire aura is 1 tied up back knot. And Macron is a fake news wannabe deep Balzac. Have fun with your Euro though, Frog Legs breath.

Nationalism is a betrayal of patriotism Macron? It’s the direct opposite jerk-off. Doesn’t baguette mouth realize Trump became President so America doesn’t descend into the lawless, freedom of speech paralyzed hellhole, Paris has become?

The hashtag campaign #ThankYouForYourService comes off as more forced than Larry David saying it to Hillary Hammer Time Cankles at a clambake fundraiser in Martha’s Vineyard in 2020.

1 hour before my wife’s birthday brunch celebration for her friends.
Babe, are we really blowing all of our Nespresso Pods on your friends? Isn’t sparkling wine from New Mexico enough? It’s a French wine making family. Macron insists their anti-nationalists.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

My Daughter Upstaging Me Again

I read a lot of Airport Reviews. So my career as a stay at home comedian dad feels on the up and up. Gotta dream about future book signings baby.

Alexa, play You Lost that Loving Feeling. Wife says. Are you trying to say something? Talk to your thighs, not me babe.

Do It All Dad sanity preservation tip:
Never ever, ever, buy Goldfish for your kids.
They get everywhere like Cheerios and you’ll resent your kids existence for picking up after such eighties has been, never great to begin with snacks.

I’ll say it for President Trump. Joni Mitchell is overrated. She sounds like a folk singer parody in a Christopher Guest film. Who teaches Californian yodeling at Santa Monica Community College.

Joni Mitchell’s crackling, high pitched falsetto voice doesn’t age well on the nerves. Sounds more like California screeching.

Good Morning Alexa. How did that blue wave materialize? You’re not smart enough to play Wipe Out are you? You know because Mike Love of the Beach Boys actually praised President Trump for trying to help save the greatest voice of all.

Bill Deblasio let 900 NYC prisoners vote in the #Midterms2018. But President Trump is in favor of prison reform and lowering jail sentences for 1st time drug offenses. So I’m not as offended as I should be in this instance Big Bird.

Acosta should sue the president. No, he’s a pip squeak load that should’ve been swallowed.

If Jim Acosta was a comedian, he’d be banned from the Comedy Cellar also.
Due to his resistance to relinquish the microphone after getting the cue to wrap up his set on having to wear sunglasses in airports because he’s always on there.

Amy Schumer’s pregnant. Sarah Silverman is crying herself to sleep into her hoodie. Lena Dunham’s losing.

Jon Stewart getting heckled at vet benefit.
So glad you made it. I thought you’d be at the border.
ISIS vent viral under Obama. And now he’s a crack head.
You really know how to pick um Hebrew National.

Tucker Carlson’s racist rhetoric has created a frenzy against migrants. Whatever Blondie. Call me when you return to reality. Where Maxine Waters calls for violence against real loving Americans. Are ANTIFA groupies even a thing? Gross.

San Francisco didn’t wait for a DACA ruling of any kind since they declared themselves a sanctuary city once the term went viral, correct? But protecting rapists & murders, US citizens or not is mentally sound urban planning at its finest.

You can’t call march of the illegals, demanding entry into America after being offered asylum & jobs in Mexico an invasion if they’re only a 100 miles away. Sure, if they start backpedaling to Honduras like Apollo on the beach in Rocky 3.

I’m going to make a poster of acting AG Matthew Whittaker for my kids room. He looks like King Kong Bundy’s abandoned son with a colossal chip on his shoulder.

My 7 year old daughter’s brain on fire.
Daddy, when I get older, I’m opening up an obstacle school for grownups. With Monkey Bars, an acre high, floods, flips off cliffs, you name it.
My 7 Year old daughter preparing games for mama’s birthday.
Daddy, I made Tic Tac Toe with bigger squares, pin the tail on the unicorn. You can do some jokes about how annoying wives are Daddy. Without singling out mama specifically.

Int. Bedroom
Daughter
I read this book already daddy
It bored me to death, murderer.
Lock her up. Lock her up.

Daddy laughs long time.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Really Funny People and Judd Apatow

Dream Interpretation of Lady Gaga Falling In Love With Me
A star is born once I give birth to my parenting book Stay At Home Comedian. If I don’t terminate it in the 3rd trimester because my wife insists it’s a blue collar economy now.

Useless Younger Brother
You have to write some jokes on Alec Baldwin. I share. Zero response. So tempted to text. So me having skin cancer is still 50/50. I’ll take those odds over you ever surprising me with a zero agenda act of generosity again.

I’ve always been critical but Judd Apatow is a Godsend for making Funny People, his most personal film by far. It’s a very funny, pointed, heart felt film at its core. Politics aside, I love the comedy art he promotes and embodies so well.

I’ve changed my tune. F Judd Apatow for not being able to put his stupid politics aside and show the most modicum form of love for my emotive, heart felt compliment in his honor. Stern is right. His wife is super annoying in all his films.

Daddy, what’s the difference between a private school and a public one?
Feeling like a zero for not having enough zeros in your bank account to afford one in Connecticut Bush country.

F New York. I had the best Sicilian of my life in Greenwich, CT today. Plus, the Ricotta with eggplant slice. Didn’t taste like a ball of breadcrumbs or a plop of puked up Ricotta either. Marinara was spicy, fleshy and popping with personality boy.

Int. Home
Son calls grandparents.
Papa
Who is it?
Son
(Angry)
It’s me Arthur.
Are other 4 year old’s calling you on Sundays for Boy Scout donations?
Should we try again? So your embrace is less distant creepy.

Out of work music executive defending his stoner ways in divorce court.
My wife beats me up judge. At least on weed, it slows the action and I can defend myself better like Neo in the Matrix.

My impersonation of James Woods.
Had lunch with Oliver last week.
What else am I going to do?
Watch more #StormIsComing videos on Youtube?

Ricky Rocket from Headbanger’s Ball as a Political Pundit on Fox News
These Midterms are a vote for. Revival of our paradise cities or stopping the youth gone wild from breaking the law, breaking the law.

Me explaining what Eye Of The Tiger means to my 3 kids over Rocky 3.
It’s a stare which screams all business. It’s doing what you got to do. Like mama once a year on her birthday.

Obama downplaying Trump’s Border Order
It’s a stunt. Your President isn’t concerned with securing the border, legal immigration solutions or building a wall to keep out non-vetted undesirables. He just watched Red Dawn 1 too many times.

Obama on Trumps Border Order
It’s a fear mongering stunt. I would’ve deployed 10, 15 Hillary Audi 5000 Terminator drone models tops.

Obama on Trump’s Border Order
Trump wants to end chain migration. Why don’t you get Elon Musk to build you a time machine to go back in time and end the underground railroad while you’re at it Richie Rich.

Obama downplaying the Migrant Cavern at a Midterm Rally
It ain’t so bad. It ain’t nothing. None of you saw Rocky 3, did you?
Forgot I wasn’t in Mr. T country back in sweet home Chicago.

Obama on Trump’s Border Order
Trump hates the American Dream. Sure, it’s made him a morally bankrupt billionaire. But who gave you Obamacare, the Iran Deal and got Roseanne’s fat ass fired from her own show? That’s right, my live in Arabian Horse whisperer, Valerie Jarrett, that’s who.

Int. Car-Greenwich, CT
Stay At Comedian Dad
They own that pond.
7 Year Old Daughter
If we lived there. We can have picnics outside our home.

Int. Home
Wife
These chairs are made out of recycled plastic.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I bet they’re from Hillary’s Black American Express Cards because her credit with Russian Bankers is kaput.

Int. Home
Stay At Home Dad Comedian
You guys can play with these cardboard boxes outside. Make them into tent cities for rowdy Care Bears. Who try to crash your Hula Hip Hop party without an invitation.

Int. Playground-CT
Push my son on the swing. Woman next to me pushes her daughter. All I hear is Spanish from the mom and daughter.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Arthur, what happened to your other shoe?
All I see is Uno. Daddy is so stupido, doh, Eo, oh, oh.  Doh oh.

Int. Car
Merle Haggard plays.
7 Year Daughter
Why do country singers spend so much time in jail?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
To prove their manhood because they all seem to have an unhealthy obsession with mama.

Int. Carpet Store-CT
Owner
How do your kids keep up with you?
You’re pretty high energy.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Instead of Sesame Street, I’ve raised all 3  kids on Martin Scorsese’s DVD commentary from Mean Streets.

What about self-centered grandparents Shakespeare?
“How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child.”
My mother in law adopted a rescue dog to get out of the house more often. Her 3 grandchildren lack the same gravitational pull.

Int. Carpet Store-CT
Owner
How do your kids comprehend you?
Calling you high energy is an understatement.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I raised them on AC/DC. So I’m whippets slow compared to Aussie wild man Bon Scott.

Int. Home
Stay At Home Comedian
Play with these cardboard boxes outside kids. You can make them into Roger Water metaphors. And accuse Yetta the Chicken of cultural genocide if you want to stay in character or not.

What about self-centered grandparents Shakespeare?
“How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child.”
My in-laws spend more on dog day care on a rescue than they do for their own 3 grandchildren combined.

What about self-centered grandparents Shakespeare?
“How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child.”
My father chooses tennis with Dr. Ken 350 days a year over getting to know his grandchildren on a bare minimum basis.

I hope Pet Sounds was written before Brian Wilson had any kids. I just wasn’t made for these times becomes an insufferable bitch feast to endure. When you’re a father of 3, knowing he had the Wrecking Crew to bang out new albums any time he wanted.

Shakespeare says hanging perverts has prevented many a bad marriage. What was that play called? Louie in Love with Lube, X-Videos Lost or Taming of the Blue?

Int. Carpet Store-CT
Nice Jewish Store Owner
Technically speaking, your kids aren’t Jewish.
Stay At Home Comedian
Because my wife didn’t convert out of old school yenta peer pressure alone. And refused to kick Jesus to the curb for me.

Int. Car
Daughter
Daddy, a magician in school created nature.
Stay At Home Comedian
Did he whip a Rabbit out of a hat?
Daughter
How did you know?
Stay At Home Comedian
It’s the oldest trick in the book but you made it sound way better.

My 4 year old son refusing to be depreciated.
7 Year old sister says. You’re not doing the hip hop Hula dance right. Younger brother says. Shut up. I’m doing it perfect. Pound salt Paula Abdul.

Int. Car
Lady Gaga plays.
7 Year Daughter
Daddy, what’s a Disco Stick? Is it a memory stick that glows in the dark?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Or an unwanted prick on the dance floor behind you.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

Friday Night Hits

Int. Bakery
Stay At Home Comedian
How many Challahs do you sell every Friday?
Worker
3 to 5
Stay At Home Comedian
So next time my daughter asks how many Jews live in Somers.
I can say by Challah sales estimates. Because no fake news Jews are fronting.

Rachel Maddow downplaying Alec Baldwin getting arrested for punching a guy over a parking spot in in NYC. You’ve seen the Seinfeld episode. New Yorkers wait for parking spots longer than will have to wait to get a seat on the Supreme Court.

Tina Fey downplaying #AlecBaldwin getting arrested for punching a guy over a parking spot.

Alec is making toxic masculinity great again. Plus, I can’t tell him how to act in real life. Do I look like Kim Basinger to you?

It’s #LoveYourLawyerDay because divorce rates are through the roof because countless men refuse to have their opinions neutered at home in the pursuit of making their sex lives above average great again.

Hulk being welcome back to WWE with opens arms. Peter Thiel bending over backwards to compliment President Trump again. Baldwin freaking over a spot because he’s too cheap to use a garage. Johnny Depp looking worse than Hunter on his worst day, USA, USA.

#GoogleWalkOut
Do they have any idea how good they have it? You’re protesting what again? A private arbitration case, which was already settled. From a guy who invented the Android. Who created you jobs in the 1st place. Got it. Happy doodling.

Dave Chappelle & Jon Stewart are doing a comedy tour together. That’s adorable. Stewart opens. I do benefits for NY Cops. They love Trump, not so much Obama. Comedy Central felt the same when they resigned Trevor Noah for the foreseeable future.

A Joke Defense For Oprah.
Reporter for Breitbart asks Oprah. Was Seal lying about you knowing about Harvey? Oprah replies. No, fake news. But I did convince Harvey’s wife to leave him. To focus on her lifetime battle with Amnesia.

Never read articles from CNN ever. But this is too much. Trump took advantage of his role as commander chief. For ordering more troops to the border. Just like giving the PLO a gift package on your way out the door.

Maxine Waters downplaying Alec Baldwin hitting a guy over a parking spot in NYC.

It’s New York City, not Hollywood dear. Chances are, he was blasting Kayne too loud for Alec’s taste.

Downplaying Alec Baldwin getting arrested for punching someone over a parking spot in NYC.

In handcuffs, Baldwin boasts. Trump wishes he had wrists this thick.

Don Lemon downplaying Alec Baldwin getting arrested.
Fighting over a parking spot on the lower east side. Isn’t the white nationalist might driving election concerns this midterm season.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

American Dad Family Halloween Recap

American Dad Family Halloween Recap

Who are you? I don’t get it. Stan Smith, CIA at your service. You know Deep State, Swamp Thing.

American Dad Halloween Dress Up Recap
Who are you supposed to be? American Dad. The show inspired by W fucking our country into economic oblivion. After dragging us into a fake news war. When the Daily Show mattered.

 

Me as American Dad during Halloween trick or treating with my kids.
Vote in big, bright lights on Halloween. So I’m assuming your with her. The wicked witch of the east, Hillary Hammer Time Cankles and Beto. Because he looks good in a Speedo.

Me as American Dad during Halloween.
Vote in big, bright lights on Halloween. Did they lower the voting age in America to 4? What’s an acceptable form of Voter ID now, my son’s Pool pass, his Library Card perhaps?

Me as American Dad for Halloween trick or treating with my kids.

I don’t get your costume. Who are you? Stan Smith, American Dad. We wanted to dress up like the Cleveland Show family but Megyn Kelly stole all our thunder.

Me as Stan Smith for Halloween with my American Dad

I don’t have any beef with vegans. Unless they insist on listening to Samantha Bee audio books over my Do It All Dad Year Podcast. Her shrieks of discontent are murder for my ears.
family.

American Dad Family Halloween Recap
I don’t get your costume. Who are you? CIA, American Dad, Stan Smith. Pushing Roger in a baby stroller passed out in a face full of apple sauce isn’t bolstering my credibility 1 bit.

American Dad Family Halloween Recap
I don’t get your costume. Who are you? Stan Smith CIA, the American Dad. Seth MacFarlane’s most underrated creation. Trump 2020 bitches.

Me as American Dad on Halloween Trick or Treating with my kids.

The Brewers Association Board proposed a new craft brewer definition. How about tastes great with twice the calorie filling. Not that over hill hipsters like yourself give a shit.  Unlike Beto I don’t you see looking to hot in a speedo.

Me as American Dad on Halloween Trick or Treating with my kids.

Google employees protested worldwide to handle the mishandling of sexual misconduct cases under their watch. I’m assuming. The majority of the signs read “Don’t be Fake News Good” or “Stay Classy Ask Jeeves”

Me as American Dad on Halloween Trick or Treating with my kids.

Hillary’s most loyal aide wants Michael Avenatti to run in 2020. Huma had a kid with Anthony Weiner. So she’s not as bright as we think. What’s the campaign slogan Huma? Make The Golden Age of Muff Diving Great Again.

Me as American Dad on Halloween trick or treating with my kids.

Nancy Pelosi got a standing ovation at Springsteen on Broadway after Bruce took her request for Mansion on the Hill. Fuck the song Atlantic City, Bruce. Give me Mansion, Mansion. Little Stevie says. Whose the boss Bruce?

American Dad Family Dress Up Recap

Who are you dressed as? American Dad. This is Klaus. He’s an eastern German Olympic skier trapped in a Goldfish body. He lives in a fishbowl as you can see like all your fake news media heroes really. Good one Stan. Shut up Klaus.

American Dad Halloween Recap
Imposing, smooth, black dude passes by our American Dad family trick or treating and says. Get it, funny. I say. I wouldn’t knock off his MAGA hat Francine. I bet he loves Jim Brown in Mars Attacks to.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

4 Halloween Jokes Is All You Need

This is my impersonation of a gay escort who shows up late for a date with Boy George tonight. I got tied up at this Halloween Party by a Boy George impersonator. He got pretty method on my ass.

Do you think denture mouth Pelosi gives out books like 1000 Places To See Before You Die for Halloween to taunt middle class trick or treaters dressed like Kayne West in sweats and MAGA hats tonight? Smart enough not to wear black face.

John Kerry’s executive mind at work.
Should I ask Julio to build a billboard of my wife’s rotten apple face outside our Beacon Hill townhouse or an ISIS flag tonight to scare MAGA hat trick or treater’s?

Best Halloween prop is.
My wife as Francine from American Dad holding up a Build The Pool Fence sign during our Instagram family photo op. After my son Samuel holding up a cut out picture of Roger’s face taped to a red plastic martini glass.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

New Vasectomy Jokes Made Snippy

Opening sentence to my new chapter entry about getting a Vasectomy called Pulling the Plug On My Life Shooter.

Is men’s productive rights, fake news doc? Does Planned Parenthood offer kickbacks for referrals?

Or I can go with this one.

Is a Vasectomy really permanent doc? Or do you struggle untying triple knots without using your teeth?

Me explaining to my future , older son how pulling out is no sure way to prevent absolute damage from your life sprayer. After explaining to him how his big sister and baby brother weren’t planned at all.

Dad couldn’t pull of a convincing pump fake if his life depended on it.

Plus, I was never touched much as a kid. So daddy became a more excitable boy than most. I couldn’t even make it to 1 Mississippi.

Vasectomy Chapter Title Ideas for my fatherhood success parenting book the Stay At Home Comedian. Controlling my Kids with comedy.

Pulling the Plug on My Life Shooter
Sperm Implanter or Sperm Terminator?

You’re so off the Corporate America grid. When you’re found most under the search term homemaker on LinkedIn. My podcast episode Raising my Kids on Speed was a total giveaway, Artificial Intelligence or not. January Jones is so much hotter than me right now.

Whose conducting Homemaker searches on LinkedIn? Are Jacuzzi Sales Reps using it for desperate housewives to plug? Her schedule is wide open for me. I can squeeze in a quickie after servicing her neighbor in my territory on Friday.

But seriously, whose searching for homemakers on LinkedIn? The VP of growth for the Savage Nation? You know for southern housewives who like to picture Savage with Sean Hannity’s shoulders and Trump’s hair.

Chapter Title Options for my Do It All Dad Imaginary Interview with Andrew Dice Clay.

John Lennon, I fucked him, oh.
Mr. Mom I Fucked him oh.
Potty Train Mouth This
Pay Uncle Rodney Some Respect
Once Upon An Asshole

I like the Hodge Twins. Calling white girls trophies is funny. Too bad they’re aren’t funnier than Mike Epps, even D. L Hughley for that matter. Their tour date announcements are thumping though.

Hear My Bus Coming Column
Did you love my penne vodka with blanched, green goddess essence Broccoli? I give it a 9 dada. You do realize Pizza and Brew uses prosciutto bits for their penne vodka? For more flavoring in their favor.

My Non-Conformist Daughter
Mommy, I don’t want to wear a Halloween outfit for school because I’m dressing up as Haley for Halloween for the American Dad family motif we’re doing, remember? Plus, I’m going to hit the next person who asks me what a hippie is.

Counter attack lines for my 7 year old daughter to use on a boy in her class who questions her lack of protein intake. I’ve got a 4 pack Ryan. You’ve got a zero pack. Did your daddy, nickname you Deltoids Dawn? I didn’t think so.

More counter attack lines for my 7 year old daughter to use on a boy in her class who questions her lack of protein intake. I have zero body mass fat Ryan. Do you even have a core Ryan? Because I just punctured a hole through your argument.

Wife
Only humans have children on purpose.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad/Father of 3
So much for fatherhood making me less of an animalistic prick. You’d think after we banged out 2 accidental miracle babies. I’d ease up on pulverizing Blondie a bit.
Me starting shit with my wife. If you do a Vasectomy search on Google. What website shows up 1st, Web MD or Planned Parenthood? Wife says. Planned Parenthood. I say. They don’t have enough monopolized power over your Fallopian Tubes already?

By,

Michael Kornbluth