Jerry Seinfeld just auctioned off one of his vintage Porsches for charity. I hope half those proceeds went to Larry’s kids.
Is it me or does Robert Dinero on the View these days, look like Betsy Ross falling apart at the seams?
If Google doesn’t manipulate search results, then why is harder to find positive mentions of Trump on Google than finding a film blogger on Rotten Tomatoes who called the Irishman underrated?
Facebook has made Baby Boomer the laziest grandparent generation of all time. Lifting a finger is liking a picture on Facebook.
Kendrick Lamer won the Pulitzer Prize because Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize for rebranding ISIS, ISIL, so they’d sound more start up friendly in the NY Times.
Why is Radical Islam so into deflowering virgins? Doesn’t Radical Islam have enough blood on their hands already?
One kid only means your diaphragm is for walls after all.
3 unplanned kids later, I never mastered the art of the pump fake. I’m scared of getting a vasectomy because I don’t want my ball sack to feel like Edward Scissorhands face.
Did you know there is a Planned Parenthood in the middle of NYU? You’d think sticking to anal, fellatio or the morning after pill wasn’t beyond Freshman orientation comprehension yet? So much for NYU raising the requirements since Debra Messing got in.
Planned Parenthood is in the sex ed book business now like the graphic sex book In case You’re Curious for sexually confused hipster spawn reared on Lou Reed Records.
I went to Ithaca college myself, otherwise known as Cornell’s retarded next-door neighbor. But I could spoke strong Tompkins County outdoor and stutter every other 2 seconds because I was in distinguished Roy H. Park School of Communications.
CEO of Disney Bob Iger went to Ithaca. This is Oprah trying to talk him into running for President. You’ll defend your decision to fire Roseanne, despite Valarie Jarret, the main author the nuke gifting Iran deal being Obama’s live in Arabian Horse Whisperer.
I should’ve subbed my whiny, no show Jewish Grandma for a wise Black Grandma at my wedding. Post an ad on Craig’s List, Tyler Perry impersonators are welcome. Must be comfortable performing in front of white audiences only.
How does Farrakhan celebrate Holocaust remembrance Day? Bombard Benjamin Netanyahu Twitter Feed with termite emojis from dawn till night? Hashtag, But Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansen are alright.
This is me preparing my son on how to avoid any anti-Semitic backlash at school before winter break this year. So, when you play dreidel with your non-Jewish classmates, don’t say Gimmel means give me all your money because we control the Federal Reserve and all the banks in the North Pole to.
When my daughter was only 2 and can only string 2 words together. We’d do a routine at the bodega in Astoria. I’d say, Matilda what did Tyson Chandler give the Knicks. And she’d say, boopkus, Dada, boopkus.
God didn’t give me 3 unplanned kids to have a panic over it, although my daughter gave me fits of despair this question barely out of the womb. So, Dada, if God created the universe, who created God. Um, God went back in time in a Time Machine made my Elon Musk. Real Convincing Dad. Thanks for making me an Atheist at 4.
I freaked out during a Christmas party when my daughter was only 3 because my wife’s friend got my daughter a pair of fairy wings. I told her friend, “Get the fairy wings off my daughter now. Knowing mama’s side trance background, she looks like an overdose at the Limelight waiting to happen.
Side note, fuck China. Chinese made Fentanyl has killed more crackers in this country than Lena Dunham kicking with Taylor Swift on Instagram.
The first concert I took my daughter to see was a Grateful Dead days after her 2nd birthday. Daughter points at a dinged-up hippie sucking down a nitrous balloon and says birthday. I say, no Matilda, burn out day.
This is Ziggy Marley being interviewed by High Times Magazine. Your dad Bob at 5 kids. I thought ganja drained your life blaster dry. Fake news man.
Took my daughter to see Billy Joel at MSG for her 5th birthday. Mom freaks out, saying make sure my granddaughter wears earplugs. I tell her, relax mom. I’m taking her to see Metallica. Plus, Billy Joel music still sounds like rocking lullaby music for eighties republicans.
Her younger brother suffers motor mouth disease like her dad. At Pre-K they got concerned about his ability to make friends because he’s hard to understand. I told my son. Like Dale Carnegie says in How to Win Friends and Influence people. Fake an interest in other people as long as humanly possible.
I also told him he’s not leaving the house for Junior high unless his backpack is stuffed with pre-poundage consent forms.
How do you solve sexual harassment at work today? Only hire a remove work force. And start every Skype meeting with. Raise your hands up I where I can see them.
My youngest boy Samuel, Chosen Curls was bound to woo. Some random Italian grandma will stop him at Stop and Shop and says. When you get older, you’ll have 3 girlfriends to juggle. I say. No offense lady, but James Woods had this kid’s face. Your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.
Despite my mom converting, my dad never allowed my mom a Christmas Tree, insisting, son Jews don’t buy Christmas Trees, unless they convert into a tree house and flip it for a profit.
My mom is originally from Kentucky, which is more like Midwest south. Where finger food is anything that tastes like your cousin’s panties. Growing my mom says, son Kentucky is known for 2 things, horses and pretty woman. And I respond with, mom keep your sundress on before you tell me Dad is hung like Seabiscuit.
Has Minnesota rep, Baby Face Omar, acknowledged the anniversary of Amy Winehouse’s death as something happened? To a horn hiding, Benjamin hording, oppressive imperialist, who exploited the great, Palestinian Song Book for all it was worth.
And enough with Israeli aggression. If you fire 700 rockets into Israel’s backyard Hamas. Don’t expect an edible gift basket in return with a thank you note written in Farsi.
If I see Transgender father’s day trend on Twitter one more time, I’m breaking my chic filet strike for good. Either you’re an involved father or you’re not Nipple Tits. Also, feeling shafted shouldn’t be a new experience in your life either.
This if Jefferey Tambour in his trailer after learning one of his Trans Co-star pissed on his toilet seat. Real lady like, now get out of my trailer. You butchy bitch, hey now.
Did you know the majority of Americans think Obama was a better President than Lincoln yet I don’t see George Washington giving Iran 150 billion dollars for overseas manufacturing jobs for Build a Bear, to make their economy less reliant on the sale of hair removal products for the Kardashians.
Kim Kardashian is studying to become a Criminal Justice Lawyer. Criminal Justice Lawyers are so hot right now.
Bruce Jenner wasn’t asexual married to Kris Jenner. But I bet Bruce back then stayed harder longer after he got his wife Kris cut her hair, looking more like a dolled-up Ralph Macchio.
Kris Jenner hates all the attention Caitlyn Jenner steals away from her because of her tits sagging popularity.
Memo to displaced hipster who can’t afford to live in Manhattan or Brooklyn anymore. Stop, saying Queens is hot, it’s not. Compared to Manhattan and Brooklyn, Queens is the sloppy 3rd Kardashian sister. The extra greasy one, who’s easy to pound at 3 in the morning like a lamb gyro in Astoria.
Ban ICE, makes sense don’t you think New York? Because homeland security was so Weapons of Mass Destruction years.
Did you know in New York City you can be fined 250 thousand dollars for using dehumanizing language on an illegal alien such as, No speak English.” Whose translating these insults for Juan exactly? Now, in New York City, an illegal alien can get a driver license to vote and a hate speech translator to bankrupt Apu, in a bodega in Flushing.
I wish LaVar Ball was sub coach dad growing up because he’s made sure I lost my virginity before my younger brother did. So, I’d feel like a bigger baller inside and stop prancing down the court on my tippy toes, looking like I was in high heels instead of high tops, yelling from the sideline. “We’re trying to sell Baller Wear son, not Jimmy Choo’s.”
LaVar Ball as my sub coach dad would throw me house parties for games of spin the bottle at home and only invite stuck Jenny from the Block. He yells in Stuck Up Jenny’s ear. The Yoo-hoo Bottle doesn’t spin itself bitch.
Russell Simmons off the record with Oprah. Oprah read my lisp. I didn’t rape any of those vengeful, over the hill hoes.
Who told Samuel Jackson it was cool to start dressing like Spike Lee’s Grandma? Who identifies as a jazz critic descendant of Sony Rollins in Tyler Perry’s new film, the Uppity Cunt.
Have they taken down the Rocky statue yet? Because it promotes white supremacy.
Bill Burr says, he doesn’t see anybody beating Trump in 2020. That’s like saying, Louie will never have to wait to do an impromptu set at the Comedy Cellar, wearing nothing but sunglasses, a trench coat and Sarah Silverman’s hoody to wipe up with.
Did you know Woody Allen used to stuff his top sock drawer with naked polaroids of his nine-year adopted daughter Soon Yi. The only thing missing was a picture of her on Time Life Magazine.
I did love Woody Allen’s last film, about some a super old dude who bangs some underage girl, it was a prequel, called, Crimes and Misdemeanors the early years.
If Ronan Farrow is really Frank Sinatra’s son, not Woody Allen’s. Then, why hasn’t paid off a goon to knock Woody Allen on his ass yet. But hanging out with Jefferey Epstein is good luck though. Granted, Woody Allen isn’t known for advertising pedo installation artwork like the Podesta brothers, which is enough to make Marilyn Manson blush
Our state of the union is like Stephen Colbert’s handle on funny these days, shaky. Too bad Bill O’Reily is no longer important enough to impersonate. At least, Bill O’ Reilly gave Colbert, gravitas.
Jimmy Fallon’s writers hate because when he tried to rub his hair off on the Tonight Show, a real skinhead didn’t emerge.
Make Nazi Germany great again wasn’t his campaign slogan Michael Rappaport. Too bad, Louie can’t write you another annoying NY asshole to play in such convincing fashion.
Did you know Lena Dunham was Hillary Hammer Time Cankles, social media manager? Only Lena Dunham could Huma Licker Breath, less likable and relatable in one blubbery swoop.
In related news, Kevin Durant chose to sign with the Brooklyn net because he wanted to be the voice of the millennial musketeer generation.
Hillary giving a speech on cybersecurity is like Kevin Durant getting paid for a speech on how to combat online bullying.
Hillary claims Trump is obsessed with her because he’s an illegitimate president. I thought Hillary Hammer Time Cankles lost at becoming President twice, because she’s an unhuggable cunt, alcoholic deplorable, who failed to sell 64 million branded racists, on why baby boomer mom knows best, my bad.
Harvey Weinstein is now an officially convicted rapist. His wife left him before the jury verdict to focus on her lifetime battle with amnesia.
Still, Ashley Judd isn’t a real victim of rape. Ooh, she balked at watching Harvey shower himself down in his 5-star suite at the 4 Seasons. Granted, Ashley Judd being from Kentucky, has plenty of experience judging fat pigs at the country fair.
I also don’t believe Kristaps Porzingis was guilty of trying the neighbor in his apartment complex, the day her tore his ACL. First, going strong to hole isn’t KP’s forte. Last, Harvey Weinstein isn’t trying to rape Wonder woman, played by Gal Gadot on only one good leg.
Imagine Thanksgiving at the Obama’s this year. Malia, you barely touched your Tofurky. Daddy, all my woke friends at school don’t understand why you let me intern for Harvey Weinstein. Obama replies. Michelle was your chaperon on set. And that fat Jew couldn’t pin down Michelle if he tried. Can I get holla for more than fair Obama blast for ages Challah?
Also, if Michelle Obama were run for President to become the closer to finish off Bernie Sanders. What would her campaign slogan be? Obama’s 5 O Clock Shadow part 2. Joan lives.
They say, woman’s soccer gold medalist, Megan Rapinoe might even run for President. What would her campaign slogan be? Obama bring back the L Word to Netflix. You’re only hope.
In related news, the Ellen show is looking for Digital Marketing Manager according to LinkedIn. What are the must have skills for the role? Besides, being pro Bush.
Did you know Mayor Bill DeBlasio’s wife was a full-blown Park Slope lesbo when they met? But we’re supposed to believe Garlic Breath converted her? Big Bird eats pizza with a fork and knife. So, do you really see putz face burying his beak into her bean pie with such sloppy abandon? It sounds like a plausible theory to digest.
This is me discussing Aids with my 9-year-old daughter prematurely. President Trump used his profits from the Wollman Rink in Central Park for Aids gay groups. Daughter asks. What’s Aids Daddy? I say. A reason to become a lesbian. You can take a licking and keep on ticking.
What I love about President Trump besides making ball busting great again, is his relentless optimism and over the top salesmanship. If President Trump, still your president got diagnosed with HIV today. He’d tweet the next morning. Do I have HIV? Yes, but my t-cell count numbers have never been stronger.