Back To Hebrew School

Do It All Dad’s daughter, Matilda Kornbluth, his funnier, sweeter twin, who had his genetic makeup all over fer face hated how her friends used the word “loyal” to describe her at school. In other words, I like being able to get away with using my friend as a doormat whenever I want. “What am I some dumb dog?”, she’d fume to her dad on occasion. Do It All Dad could relate to his daughter’s feeling of resentment. You could argue that after ending a marriage of 11 years, 3 kids later, he began to question the strength of his past loyalties, which also included the Knicks, IPA’s and picking up the phone every other time his mother called. Was loyalty deader than Yiddish Theatre on the Lower East Side? But what did loyalty look like in 2022 post pandemic? Rapidly fading spotting’s of Biden, Harris bumper stickers, embedded colors of the Ukrainian Flag on Indeed.com, forsaking Twitter for Facebook because Good Will Hoodie in charge does more to silence COVID disinformation than Elon Musk?

Fact is, Do It All Dad was done with New York after finding it nearly impossible to get a job in corporate America there without getting a COVID vaccination shot, which turned him off from ever wanting to sell his precious time and soul to those worker bee killers at large within the rotten Apple anymore. Now, it was time to move outside his comfort zone, accept more responsibility for his destiny and make a daring decision not imposed on him by his ex-wife, parents or from a Book Coach, not even deemed quote worthy enough to be quoted Goodreads.com. Who after reading one his short stories Korny Kornbluth says, “Nothing happens in the story. The main character promises to get a real job that’s not hosting a comedy podcast for free yet never wills that promise into reality.” Problem was, Do It All Dad had to get out of the fucking house already and do so some real life living for a change, which wasn’t an issue now since his wife threw out his ass after his brother-in-law bitched to his wife about a story posted on his WordPress blog called, Countdown To Boredom, which was about his brother-in-law offering to take his kids to see a soccer game in Philly this coming summer. In the blog piece, there was also mention of another story brewing on the horizon called, Matzah Murder Mystery, about a Jewish son-in-law who employs his 3 kids in a detective training program to figure out who planted the box of Matzah in his Ukrainian mother-in-law’s Cupboard as an attempt to frame her as a lover of biblical Jewish tradition, despite her pushing Eucharist, which are the body wafers of Christ on her 3 grandchildren already. That same mother-in-law still didn’t know about their Jewish naming ceremonies, because Do It All Dad’s wife swore to never tell them until he got a real job. So naturally, Do It All Dad was tempted to find a job now that was Jewy as can be outside of being some busted, hack blog editor for the Times Of Israel, a clot shot pushing pediatrician who graduated from Tufts University with a major in biochemistry and psychology of wanting to terminate special needs kids through asking Alexa to do it if possible. “Alexa, abort Sarah Palin’s special needs child on demand. John Hopkins Hospital will force the kid on a ventilator and overprescribe it enough pills to extinguish its so-called life, if the unvaccinated kid got COVID anyway. Just so the Hospital can collect more ventilator hookup kickbacks from Uncle Sam and rake in bigger COVID death certificate dollars by chalking all deaths to COVID no matter what, regardless of a teen being another innocent bystander on the south side Chicago from another drive by shooting during George Floyd appreciation month. Those blood controlling kids don’t sell themselves. Mayor Lightfoot of Chicago has to prove there’s a viable market for those blood controlling kits, mostly made in China remember.”

When still married, Do It All Dad didn’t buy into his wife’s spiel about his mother-in-law being such a diehard, Matzah enthusiast all her life knowing she grew up in Manchester, England, surrounded by Pakistani neighbors no less. “Hey Samir, you haven’t lived until you tried a grape leave on a bed of matzah. It won’t taste like a depressed cracker, I promise.” But seriously, if you’re not an observant Jew, why the fuck would you ever have Matzah in your house ever? Unless the mom is hosting a political fundraiser for Hillary for a spirt cooking dinner serving the blood of Christian babies in them. Yeah, so hardcore hilarious lines like this proved to be too offensive for Do It All Dad’s wife tastes. And that was before she read the line about learning how his mother-in-law kept her kid’s teeth in a satchel like a Tooth Fairy for the SS, assuming there was an occasional gold filling in there to stash in a hidden Swiss bank account somewhere.

Growing up in a predominately Jewish suburb of New York, 30 minutes north of Manhattan, Do It All Dad, then known simply as Josh, or Bud Man, Bud Man, after he got into the weed senior year, was involved in an alternative school, that was a school within a school that encouraged individual expression and the fostering of intellectual curiosity by allowing students to choose their own humanity courses such as Holocaust History or American Short Story Writers while still taking the required math and science courses in the regular school. It’s there where his teacher for Government and Media wrote in his written evaluation, given to students over standardized grades that said, “Josh could be a leader one day if he was willing to accept the responsibility.” Now, Josh was willing to accept the responsibility more than ever, tired of being another pissy peon pawn in the game of life. He was successful at raising good eggs at home when he was still married. Now, he wanted to groom other mini menschs on the rise that weren’t his own because getting his wife pregnant by mistake wasn’t an option anymore anyhow.  At one point before they got divorced, Do It All Dad broached the hypothetical scenario of getting his wife pregnant by mistake again and naming the kid Solomon Kornbluth, only for his wife to reply, “No, Solomon sounds too much like sodomy to me.” Do It All Dad replied, “Whatever you say Mrs. Groomer. Disney kid subscribers know best.”  

But where could Do It All Dad groom future menschs on the rise? He’d have to go back to Hebrew School, not the Scarsdale Reform synagogue, where his friends would hurl Nerds at lispy lipped Danny Farber, and never expect any hardcore retaliation in return. No, Do It All Dad would set his sights on the south, Memphis Tennessee to be exact, which was not only the cradle of rock and roll but NWA southern wrestling. Did Do It All Dad have any teaching credentials outside of schooling his children on how hardcore hilarity rocks? No, but what he did have to sell a Jewish principal at a reformed Jewish academy right outside of Memphis, Tennessee was Jewish soul, which he had up the wazoo. His new mission was to groom a bunch of Jewish messiah evangelists by inspiring them to fall in love with the act of Mitzvah, which is doing good for the sake of doing good, without any promised, hooked up afterlife in return. He wanted to teach kids not to stop yearning for the Messiah, but to carry out his work for him as mini, Messiah trainee menschen on their own. What is the Jewish Messiah but a Jewish leader? Who ushers in an era of heightened spirituality and universal recognition of Jewish law. So, getting his students into asking their parents to start ordering from Grow and Beyond for Hanukkah to savor Kosher duck wings for Hanukkah was a promising start, striving in the upright, direction.

Do It All Dad was done being a stumbling, IPA drunk, intent on doing his best mensch impersonation possible and what better way to do that than becoming a star alternative Judea history teacher who brings the stories of major Jewish characters in the Old Testament Bible to life with a touch of funny man historical fiction to keep them coming back for more. But first he had to settle scores with the COVID crazed Jewish community at large and performed a slam mic for the ages at the Civil Rights Museum in Memphis Tennessee.

10 Reasons Why I Feel Bad About Yearning for The Messiah

  1. I feel bad about yearning for the Messiah because he’ll judge me for ascribing too much faith in Trump being above sheer ego preservation.
  2. I feel bad about yearning for the Messiah because 24 carrot crosses worn by rappers will depreciate in value and they’ll feel robbed.
  3. I feel bad about yearning for the Jewish Messiah because it’s against self-help, and I’d like to feed my family on my own again.
  4. I feel bad about yearning for the Jewish Messiah because of the nagging Jewish guilt that would ensue. My cousins get thrown in ovens, but I get off easy by noshing on God blessed Sponge Cake with ringside seats for the rebuilding of the Great Temple.
  5. I feel bad about yearning for the Jewish Messiah because I’ll feel like I’m cheating death when the Dead come back to life, to tell Christian nation, I told you so.
  6. I feel bad about yearning for the Jewish Messiah because it forces me to lie about wanting all Jews united under one roof, when I can’t stand any of my Jewish friends from High School anymore.
  7. I feel bad about yearning for the Jewish Messiah because no more wars, means Terrorists will be forced to drive more Uber cars in Tel Aviv, than I feel comfortable driving in, when I’m in town to watch my son, compete for Israel’s Next Top Temple Builder.
  8. I feel bad about yearning for the Jewish Messiah because wishing for no more famine, means I can regress into being a pampered, trust fund baby again.
  9. I feel bad about yearning for the Jewish Messiah, because I don’t think Israel should be redeemed for forcing its citizens of God to take the clot shot to feed their families. Maybe, the 2nd booster made the COVID case less severe. And Booger Face Behar is the new Chief Happiness Officer for Breitbart.
  10. I feel bad about your yearning for the Jewish Messiah because my father will become more spiritual and finally visit the Grand Canyon after moving to Arizona 10 years later. So, I’ll lose my moral high ground and right to call him a fake news hippie anymore. Challah, thank you very much.

10 Reasons Why I Have Mixed Feelings About The Messiah Arriving In My Lifetime

  1. I’m not ready to give up hatred yet.  Without hatred, comedy ceases to exist, which translates to me making 95 comedy records for nothing.
  2. Tinges of jealousy are alright, if you use that surging sense of envy to fix your sour puss situation, so you feel less shitty about yourself than before.
  3. And the existence of greed is good, if it motivates you to work harder for brighter tomorrows, pregnant with more do good possibility man.
  4. I don’t need the Messiah to arrive in my lifetime to convince me of God’s divine presence in my 3 glorious, blemish free children for the time being. Cosmic perfection through my kids’ lives, Challah. Thank you very much.
  5. I don’t want Trump to get involved in the next hit reality show, “Israel’s Next Great Temple Builder”, only for him to tweet on his new social media platform, “Not enough orange marble for my taste, personally.”
  6. Regardless of Twitter being bought by Elon Musk or not, the Twitter Twat home will be flush with real life hate speech from atheist cunts about the arrival of a real deal Jewish leader who can prove King David descent on Acenstry.com. Linda Sarsour will accuse the Messiah, of “Cultural apartheid”, moments after construction of the Great Temple begins because it’s not a Super Mosque for God’s fake news chosen people. Islam gave us math, I heard. Then, why aren’t Muslim ever getting charged for tax evasion due to creative accounting?
  7. Israel means, “To argue with God”, but once the Messiah arrives, you can’t pull off a convincing remake of Fidder in The Roof, starring Jack Black. The milk man Dad will come off as a short-sighted true believer.
  8. I won’t be able to jerk off to Third Legged Beauties.com again, without dreading the prospect of the great 3rd Temple, tumbling down due to my inability to let go off my death grip on sexual immorality.
  9. I’ll have to send my kids to Hebrew School then, despite the Rabbi using COVID in the same sentence as the Holocaust. Death camp victims don’t boast a 99 percent survival rate Rabbi, sorry.
  10. I’ll just get mad about my parents for refusing to use my future inheritance money to buy the Kosher meat store in Yonkers, NY on Central Avenue on the cheap. Because after the return of Jewish commanded law, Kosher butchers will make a killing, Challah. Thank you very much.

10 Reasons Why It’s Hard to Believe The Messiah Will Arrive In My Lifetime.  

  1. Because who wants to see Trump rolled up in a ball behind closed doors after another interview expose with Piers Morgan on Fox Called, “The Day My Ego Died.”
  2. Because Florida and Anti-Semitism are so hot right now. If the real messiah did emerge, that being the new age promised Jewish leader self-picked to rebuild the Temple of David and teach Hebrew to a bunch of dreamers in South Bronx. I don’t see him descending from Mount Sinai, because he’ll be called a poor man’s Moses impersonator by the NY Times, who posts Hot Sauce Parm recipes on Pinterest to downplay his Jewish noble ties to King David out of fear being called Butt Bump Buddies with Trumpy Poo, God forbid.
  3. Because Lebron James has depreciated the Messiah brand name after inscribing the tat, “Chosen One”, on his holy temple bod. Forget the promised land, King of The Persecution Complex can’t even get the Lakers into the 1st round of the playoffs with all eyez on him in the Staples Center for year 2 of COVID this time around.
  4. Jews in charge of our precious news media need to repeat Hebrew School because they still refer to January 6 as an armed insurrection uprising.  Taking selfies in the atrium of the Capital Building is equal to the Maccabees jamming white roman priveledge up their ass in the form of spears shaped like Thunderbolts after reclaiming the Great Second Temple to prove God was on their side, I agree.
  5. Doesn’t China need to approve the Messiah’s social credit score before agreeing to sell Israel more masks made in China?
  6. Kareem Adul Jabbar will stay pray five times a day to play the horn better than Miles Davis regardless.
  7. Obama will go on hating the hick from French Lick regardless, because despite being half black, Obama Be Meh’s vertical jump is still whiter than White Man’s Disease.  
  8. All Lives Matter is the new N word and BLM don’t play that.
  9. George Soros will have to pay ANTIFA in shekels instead bitcoin, which will set fire to the Great 3rd Temple in a nanosecond.
  10.  Executives at Disney care more about grooming pool time entertainment at the Podesta’s summer house in Martha’s Vinyard.  It’s not as if those executives have any intention of going back to Hebrew school to teach Jewish pride and groom future mensch’s on the rise instead. Challah, thank you very much.

10 Reasons Why It Would Be Weird For The Messiah To Arrive In My Lifetime.

  1. It’s weird because liberals will rally against all the reasons to hate drawn out Synagogue services after the 3rd Great Temple is built, compared to highly shortened Libs on Tik Tok summations of the services instead. Arcade Fire plays. Images of clouds appear and God’s voice pierces them, proclaiming, “Follow my commandments already motherfuckers. How much more proof do you need that I exist already? I’ve eradicated war, famine and all your college debut to study genital mutilation studies at Oberlin College, when Sharia Law for Mongoloid Morons, for only 72 shekels at the local farmer’s market in Damascus, would’ve been sufficient.
  2. It’s weird because I don’t see street meet vendors in New York City scrapping their cash cow by insisting their Muslim brotherhood butchers forsake giving shout outs to Allah’s gangster paradise before slicing the throats of lambs served for the killer price of $8.99 per plate with rice and white sauce either.
  3. It’s weird because my mother-in-law will still say, “God bless”, on every birthday card for her grandchildren without saying, “I’m still eating ham on Easter to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus Christ, you, obstinate, all-knowing bastards.”
  4. It’s weird because the Catholic Church will be harder up for donations than the Clinton Foundation during the new Spirit Cooking Awareness Month.
  5. It’s weird because I still don’t see my Christian in-laws embracing the remake of Happy Days with Henry Winkler, who gives the Messiah a high five at Johnny Rockets for fixing the Jukebox by paying a mini homage to fellow Hebrew Andrew Dice Clay when he says, “Rub A Dub, Dub, Douche”, before thrusting his Chuck Berry loving playing pelvis toward the Juke Box that’s gets the sweet soul music machine playing again.
  6. It’s weird because I don’t see Joe Biden giving the Messiah a post Pandemic first bump without social distancing himself from Hunter’s Laptop from hell 1st. Icky Shuffle, AKA, Mr. Groper says, “Jill, we better tell God, the “Big Guy”, wasn’t me, but Jesus Christ, another fake news messiah like Obama Be Good. Do you think God will warm up to me again with that one liner? I better scrap my Easter Day speech at the White House when I claimed to speak to God through Jen Psaki’s Burning Bush after Hunter gave her the clap from the hooker in Cabo on his birthday. Remember Jill?  When you said, “Blow”, Hunter snorted the cake.”
  7. It’s weird because when The Jewish Messiah isn’t fake news, starts to trend on Twitter. Farrakhan will spray the Messiah’s twitter feed with termite emojis from dusk through night regardless. Elie Wiesel lives, Challah. Thank you very much.
  8. It’s weird because Scientist Atheists will become the new lepers.
  9. It’s weird because Woody Allen will have to explain why he kept naked pics of a 9 nine-year-old Soon-Yi in his top sock drawer when he married to Mia. The Messiah, says, “Woody, how do you explain your nude polaroid pics of a 9-year-old Soon Yi? The only pic missing from your collection was Soon Yi crying on the cover of Time Life Magazine.”
  10. It would be weird if the Messiah was a hard laugh, who refused to acknowledge my free jokes posted on my WordPress blog as a charitable donation of any kind devoid of all striving up goodness whatsoever. Messiah says, “Yeah, Michael, man can’t live on punchlines alone, especially yours. But lucky for you, I’ll treat you as a desperately flailing charity case. So, what’s new? So just get a real job already outside of raging against the world on your Do It All Dad Year blog through more meh jokes because you’re the sloppy second son for a reason. It’s time to move on already. Maybe, you can help me sell Christian nation on why I’m not the sloppy second son compared to Jesus Christ, for Christ Sake, Challah. Thank you very much.” So never forget, keep on yearning, Challah. Thank you very much.

Do It All Dad strikes up a conversation after the slam mic with Rose Gold, a sexy, blond, middle-aged principal of a reformed synagogue charter school located in Memphis, Tennessee. She says, “Hi, Joshua, my name is Rose Gold, principal of Beth Israel Day School, the only reformed synagogue school in town. Delivering that speech down south in Jesus country took plenty of chutzpah Joshua. And I used to work as an air raid drill instructor in Israel who was responsible for gathering all the children and elderly whenever the bomb raid siren went off during Ramadan again.” Do It All Dad says, “Gotta love that Iron Dome. Still, I’ve always said, “NY Times, when Hamas fires 5000 rockets into Israel’s backyard, don’t expect an edible gift basket in return, with a thank you note written in Farsi.” Rose Gold laughs as Joshua admires her sun spotted specked tits jiggle with sustained titillating delight.” Rose Gold says, “I got your In-Mail message on LinkedIn about asking for a teacher job, but I didn’t see any teaching experience on your resume. Although your book, Controlling My Kids With Comedy, a Love Story, intrigued me. Do It All Dad says, “But I got Jewish soul to sell Rose and that’s worth it’s weight in gold. Plus, I can ensure Hebrew School isn’t a countdown to boredom anymore. Minor Jewish prophets on Ranker who cares, Major Jewish prophet listings on Ranker, I’m interested. Better yet, you kids want to learn about Moses’s number one assistant Joshua, in the tale The Last Temptation of Temps? Good luck finding a temp back then capable of assisting Moses transcribe the bible in full onto stone.” Give me one year Rose and I’ll make sure Beth Israel Day School gets nothing but 5-star reviews on Yelp. I was thinking, we can attract new members through showing NWA matches on a movie screen this summer and get Jerry the King Lawler to teach an accelerated clinic on how to apply a figure four leg lock, with submission moves in MMA being the new craze, to ensure a new generation of Jewish leaders will remain pushover putzy no more, no more. Rose Gold says, “You’re too much Joshua. But I like your style plenty. How old are you again?” Do It All Dad says, “46.” Rose Gold says, “Could’ve fooled me. You look like the baby face hero dreams are made of. Why don’t we extend our chat at my place? I make the meanest batch of salt and pepper crusted Kosher ribs this side of the Mississippi. We can start mapping out a teaching itinerary for Alternative Judea History together. My homemade barbeque sauce using a pomegranate squirt syrup is the bomb.” Do It All Dad says, “I knew a change was going to come. Sam Cooke lives, Challah. Thank you very much. Thank God for dreams to reconsider.” Rose Gold says, “What do you mean by dreams to reconsider?” Do It All Dad says, “Well, my first dream was to write for TV, which I did, then it was to become a bestselling writer, which didn’t happen. Then, it was to become a world class, world renown comedian, which didn’t materialize either. Yet becoming a Hebrew School teacher showman star that my new southern neighbors can give a shit about and derive some regional pride from sounds like sweet soul music to me.  I brought some edibles down from New York on a midnight train to Memphis. Maybe, after were done braining storming itinerary plans, we can split one and play some Grateful Dead Europe 72 on at your place on Spotify. Rose Gold says, “I thought you’d never ask and sings, “Tennessee, Tennessee, there ain’t no place, I’d rather be, baby, won’t you carry me, back to Tennessee.” Do It All Dad kisses her on the spot, practically inhaling Rose Gold whole and says, “Keep on yearning baby”, and kisses her more passionately than before, with twice as much majestic might, infusing the night with sparkle shine delight as the 2 new soul shine mates collide. Keep on yearning baby. Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Shirley Temple Life

Mom texts from her cross-country trip stop in Memphis with my dad.

“How is Samuel enjoying camp?”

I say, “He’s a happy camper. Funnier Dad, happier baby.”

Just like how John’s mother and my 2nd Grade teacher Mrs. Pariso would call me Elvis growing up. Samuel is getting hit on by older Italian woman at DeCicco’s all summer long. Last one said to Samuel. “When you get older, you’ll have 3 girlfriends to juggle.”

And I say, “If James Woods had this kid’s face, your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative. I’m not sending him to junior high without a lawyer on his person at all times to hand out pre-poundage consent forms. I call him Chosen Curls was bound to woo for a reason. But instead of declaring bankruptcy, after spending our last rolls of Nickles on gas, I can always sell lockets of his hair for 5 grand a pop on Chinese Ebay. That’s a sustainable business model to keep us rocking in President Poopy Pants world.” Mighty Magic, Challah. Thank you very much.

My wife saw the Elvis movie, which made her walk away from the movie with a heightened appreciation of his sex appeal now. So now, whenever I want to get the wife in the mood for some lockjaw love on my pussy wrecker, rearranger, I’ll whip it out on our Time Life memorial Elvis plate and say, “Memphis Mafia lives. You want to hit that? Fine, pretend, I’m giving you communion Priscilla. Then, pick up your shit and your Fisher Price Farmhouse and have your mommy pick you up in 2 minutes and you got yourself a deal.”

I like to encourage my son’s fearlessness, so he isn’t controlled by fear and only takes up diving off the diving board at 43 years old like his old man. Mom says, “I don’t remember you diving ever.” I say, “That’s because I grew up in the era of Aids mom. So, I’ve never gone headfirst into anything without some initial, gun-shy trepidation. Plus, dad calling me a waste of height before I bloomed under my fruit of looms while being stuck in my head miserable and alone for being the last kid to get into puberty party didn’t help my manly metamorphosis into a high-flying Jimmy Snuka like Little Richard without his rollicking personality swinging in my favor just yet.”

So, my son’s favorite Bruce Lee movie scene is the fight with O’Hara, when he says, “Board, don’t hit back.” That is before Bruce Lee kills O’Hara with a jump kick on to his cranium, which he breaks in 2 like a Meghan Mccain sat on Watermelon, after an act of honor chucking, desperation on O’Hara’s part when he breaks a fairly sizeable beer to cut Bruce with, which causes the master to deliver the final kill shot kick in the head for the ages. As a result, my son, wanted to recreate the scene, and break the glass, only for Daddy to yell, “O’Hara”, which drug lord Han does to O’Hara after he breaks the beer bottle in a no more honor admonishing manner. So, whenever my son whips out his Schmeckel when my Nespresso is being made instead of doing planks with me as I wait, I yell, “Not kosher baby”, or “O’Hara”, pick up your pants Schmeckel Spot.”

I text my mother an O-Hara Lives Part 2 video, so she knows her grandson isn’t breaking his cherry here as he breaks a Shirley Temple Saranac bottle on a rock before yelling, “O’Hara. I laugh uncontrollably on the video and say, “Fast forward funny, O’Hara lives. Shirley Temple Knife, Challah. Thank you very much. But my son is pissed because he broke the entire bottle with only a tiny part of the top handle left in his striking hand. I urge him to say, “Thank you very much. ” Son says, “Thank you very much. This sucks and throws the tip of Shirley Temple bottle on the ground away in disgust.” Mom texts back, “Why are you sending me videos of my grandson breaking bottles on rocks while yelling O’Hara? “I text back, “O’Hara, New World Order, Klaus Schwab, Soros and Friends buying all the farmland and trailer parks on the cheap to turn us into Placenta Smoothie Nation. What difference does it make?” Shirly Temple Life, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth