Hack Hero

Saw the Thor movie Love and Thunder with my kids. They should rename it Gayer Than Thundercats. I’m yelling at Natalie Portman on screen. Fail at being cool, which scored the biggest laugh throughout the movie. Understand, I don’t care about the rock creature Kronan dudes professing their love for each other at the end. Bang away, it’s not as if they can get Aids from having their bottoms rocked by Rock Hudson. But it’s gay when the director has to rely on Guns and Roses greatest hits to inject any veneer of bad ass coolness to the God of loud rain. Hillary Hammertime Cankles, half naked with her spanx off after dark, wildly swinging a magnum of Cakebread Cellars Chardonay over her head at Bill after he complained about their clapper not arriving yet over more supply chain issues, is 10 times more menacing than Chris Hemsworth on the Big Screen as Thor while trying to crack wise like a roided out Diamond Dave in a cape audtioning for Man O War after he got fired from Van Halen for wanting to sing a cover of Dude Looks Like A Lady. What was the fucking pitch for this movie exactly, Thor Meets Guitar Hero at the crossroads to sell out hell? Get in the ring motherfucker and the Hammer of Thor in the hands of Natalie Portman will beat Moby’s bitchy little ass. Black bean burgers are a good dose of protein my ass.

Michael Kornbluth