Downplaying 911 Is Actually Happening

I don’t understand why a trans would want to join the military unless they can’t afford a sex change operation or have a rape in the shower not checked off their fantasy bucket list yet.

Lebron James is struggling to fill roles for Space Jam 2. I thought my East Bound and Down spec would secure me a writing fellowship at Warner Brothers but Lebron’s repellent, toxic bitch ass masculinity is 10 times more hilarious to watch unfurl.

Lori Loughlin freaking out over jail.
Hillary walks but not me?
Chelsea is dumb as bricks. She’s not even University of Arizona material because she still looks busted. John Stamos is a pussy hound. Maybe, he can call in a favor to Trump on my behalf.

Memo to Al Sharpton:
Trump is a causing a rise in hate crimes.
And Michelle Obama believes Jussie Smollett is the angelic love child of James Baldwin.

Pope blames the Priest rape epidemic on the 60’s sexual revolution. Name one Christian Rock band who performed at Woodstock? The lead singer of Stryper wasn’t even born yet your holiness.

INT. HOME
Brother
Why don’t you want kids Matilda?
Sister
They’re expensive and you have to give up jobs you love.
Stay At Home Comedian
She’s talking about me giving up on making loser hipsters laugh at Brooklyn open mikes.

Rashida Talib holding an end Muslim ban press conference.
Who doesn’t want more of me? My husband is restricted from answering that question according to Sharia Law.

AG Barr is a pawn of the President. I thought he was your worst nightmare lying Lieu. Stop acting witty like a wannabe John Cho with still funny Jewish resistor comedy writers at your disposal.

Youtube restricted Candace’s Owen’s testimony to Congress on it’s site because she doesn’t sound as southern gospel sassy as Diamond and Silk.
Bust them up good Cruz. And keep the beard. You no longer reek of clam juice as much.

Bernie Sanders touring the Rust Belt.
Triple A is my best friend during winters in Vermont.
Ford being chummy with Hitler doesn’t bother me one bit.
Now, who wants some free healthcare?

Ann Coulter running into Ivanka at Jamba Juice.
What do I get? I’m more indecisive than your hub Jared Kushner at the salad bar at the Bellagio. Double Shot of Wheatgrass please. It does wonders for your bitter laced sense of humor. Not that you have one.

Amazon workers listening to my Alexa conversations.
He still asks for Bruce Springsteen songs so we can’t hate the big headed Jew for being a Trumpian supporter Nazi.

Lebron James at home talking to his wife .
Magic’s gone. The perfect excuse for me to demand a trade.
Wife says. You’re sleeping on the couch tonight Dwight Howard.
Kobe, Magic and Trump watching made you choke away your legacy chump.

Crime Justice Lawyers are so hot right now. It helps when you’re at the top of the Porcupine Puss chain. Good for Kim, some 2 plus years she’s had already. She can change her middle name to prison reform at this point for Christ sake.

Hillary in the woods today.
I told Obama to drone strike Julian Assange’s ass before he got a piece of a torn up Pamela. Lolita Express is the least of our concerns Bill. At least, Chelsea isn’t ugly anymore.

Wife freaking out over me going to Vegas to see Aerosmith in July with an old school LA bud. I don’t trust you. I’m celebrating the release of my book, so try to have a little faith in me. But you don’t want me giving up my friends.

Old school LA bud texts about our trip to Vegas to see Aerosmith.
Bring your big boy pants.
I won’t turn down a neck massage in our private cabana while listening to Permanent Vacation.

The Obama administration didn’t spy on the Trump campaign. They’re were just eavesdropping because Trump sound like he’s the head of 7 families in Mobsters.

Memo to Baby Face Omar
9/11 was “some people did something.”
That’s like saying the war against terror is never ending as long as Muslims keep fucking. It’s sad but true. Acid attacks in England are a flattering look for your people though.

Do It All Dad reads Pauline Kael’s review of Ingmar Bergman’s Magic Flute.
Daddy, this is boring.
It’s good writing.
Warren Beatty banged her once, I think.
She might have done punch up work on Ishtar.

The End

By,

Michael  Kornbluth

Unplanned Fan Favorites

MSNBC defending Joe Biden.
America needs a Joe Biden hug because Rape Wood’s most watched endorsed news channel knows best.

Beyonce walking out of a Reebok meeting because it’s not diverse enough. I don’t see enough light skinned Nubian beauties thicker around the waist and busted in the face compared to me makeup on or not.

INT. DICKS
Stay At Home Comedian
A practice putting green.
Now, my sons don’t have to get bored to death reading Jack Welch’s business book because I already did. In summary, rich business people play golf, so don’t suck at it.

Cher defending Joe Biden.
He’s a safe hugger. David Geffen who I used to bang turned into a full blown homosexual banging Calvin Klein models rejects left and right. So, I’m a real authority on the subject of pure intention based huggers.

INT. DAYCARE
Kids are putting together an extra long Duplo creation together.

Mrs. Russo
It’s so long.
Stay At Home Comedian
That’s what Pamela Lee said.

Mrs. Russo laughs long time and her chest wiggles with delight.

Great Aunt calls.
Left you a VM about meeting you guys for Brunch. I never listened to the message. If you don’t listen to your voicemails, you won’t know what messages you got. But you’re telling me now, right?

Good Will Hoodie, you know Zit Face Zuck proposes regulating political immigration speech. He’s worse than the Pope. How will you regulate political immigration speech? Declare Sharia Law on Facebook and rebrand it Hijab Book?

INT. COURTHOUSE
Judge
I was a big fan of your show.
Sometimes, you were a bit crude.
Craig Carton
Is this a sentencing or you trying to show the Bailiff you know what a parlay is without having to Google it?

In honor of Kurt Cobain. Who I love despite killing off Ratt’s brand of shimmering, hair metal sleaze.

Courtney Love is Mia Farrow with better husband selection.

INT. COURTHOUSE
Judge
1st time, long time.
Craig Carton
You’re not good with Twitter are you?
Sentence me already, you joyless wench.

Gillette’s latest and greatest campaign features obese Trans models. No offense, but my entire attraction to Trans Models stems from their zero percent stomach fat and statuesque long legs compared to my wife, no offense.

INT. CARTERS
Worker
Interested in our mailing list for coupons?
Stay At Home Comedian
4 kids would really piss my parents off but I’ll pass.
Sperm implanter or Sperm terminator isn’t up to me.
I got no reproductive rights babe, remember?

The Doors by Oliver Stone could be his best film after Born on the Fourth. Platoon is great obviously but Charlie Sheen is no Val Kilmer. Plus, I read Charlie Sheen sodomized Lucas. So he can go fuck himself and get HIV again.

A Gyro burrito in a spinach wrap with feta, banana peppers, rice and bomb Tzatziki when you can taste the fresh cut dill is worth rolling a fatty for before housing one later. I enjoyed mine sober off adderall but still.

INT. BAKERY
Stay At Home Comedian
The Emoji cookie where he’s grinding his exposed teeth looking like Jill Biden inside.
Bakery Lady
I like Joe Biden
Stay At Home Comedian
You should let him use your granddaughter for a stage prop then.

INT. CARTERS
Worker
What’s your email?
Stay At Home Dad Comedian
Doitalldadyear@outlook.com.
My wife is pushing for a vasectomy.
So I don’t need any coupons for any future unplanned fan favorites of me.
Sperm Terminator is my future.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Sticking Up for Alanis Morissette

My 8 year old daughter playing the role of wedding coach.
Take a breather Daddy. Mama got your point mid breath.

Morning Prayer:
Thank you Lord for my 3 kids hearts and for them being sweet to Daddy all the time, Mama most of the time. Don’t look at me like that Lord, you made my oversensitive heart, not me.

How much was my communication degree from Ithaca college in 99 worth?
I still graduated with a stutter at 22. All my diploma prepared me for was colossal ego impalement and teary, heartbroken defeat as a cold calling IT recruiter my 1st 6 months on the job.

INT. College Dorm Room
My Virgin Releaser
You have to listen to Alanis.
She’s Jimi with words.
College Me
Would you go down on me on your futon then when your roommate isn’t looking? Burying her head into your 3 foot bong again?

Sticking up for Alanis Morissette
So babe, we’re listening to Alanis in the car and our daughter repeats. Would she go down on you in a theater? Wife says. What a slut. I reply. Jagged Little Pill sold 15 million records. But sound more jaded fake feminist.

Alanis Morissette making things awkward real fast.
Int. Car
Daughter
Daddy, why would Alanis scratch her nails down some guy’s back?
Doesn’t sound very lady like to me. Ivanka Trump she’s not. My younger brother on a bad day, sure.

Me being forced to explain Alanis Morissette lyrics to my 8 year old daughter. You took me out to wine, dine, sixty nine. What is Alanis taking about dada? Is 69 chapter 69 in the Kama Sutra daddy? Tell me or I’ll google it at school. I’m screwed.

Donna Brazile admitted in her book about Hillary Hammer Time Cankles getting the debate questions in advance. She was also in the hospital the night Seth Rich was murdered for exposing devil horns Podesta. Not good for CNN, Trump granted her diplomatic immunity.

INT. HOME
Daughter
Daddy, mommy told me I can be a mommy without having a daddy drain me of every last drop of my love, Artificial Insemination.
Do It All Dad
3rd term abortion rights aren’t enough? Now we must wipe out any do it all dad parental influence?

INT. Bedroom
Wife
Going to my high school reunion is a bad idea, right?
Do It All Dad
I prepared a roast for it and enjoyed myself.
Wife
But you had friends.
Do it All Dad
3 kids later, you’re not making yourself any more mountable.

INT. Home
Wife
Going to my high school reunion is a bad idea, right?
Do It All Dad
I prepared a roast for it and enjoyed myself.
Wife
But you had friends.
Do it All Dad
They came to my shows. Your college friends did to. It made up for it.

INT. Bedroom
Wife
Going to my high school reunion is a bad idea, right?
Do It All Dad
I prepared a roast for it and enjoyed myself.
Wife
But you had friends.
Do it All Dad
Marriage, kids, and my surging ego kissed those goodbye.

INT. HOME
Daughter
Daddy, mommy told me I can be a mommy without getting married, Artificial Insemination.
Dad
So daddy could disappear from your life today and you’d be OK with it?
Daughter
No, daddy, you’re perfect, best of the rest.
Dad
Good answer.

INT. HOME
Do It All Dad
Matilda, tells me she’s going to have baby through artificial insemination now.
Wife
Because nobody can compare to you.
Do It All Dad
I do like the idea of no penis every entering my daughter.
But look how Hillary turned out.

Int. Home
Beautiful Boy not on H or Crystal Meth
Daddy, I’d give you a yummy dance but I’m too busy devouring this.

Little brother, Head Banger’s Ball whizzes around the room.

Do It All Dad
Thank God my world revolves around you kids.

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Showing Off At The Apollo

Int. Apollo-Harlem

Stay At Home Comedian

Colin Kaepernick has a fake news fro right? Have you ever seen a bi-racial afro that large before? Slash from Guns and Roses tried and it was a total flop.

 

Michael Kornbluth is a mouthful, I know. Kim Kardashian can’t wrap her mouth around it. But she helped usher in life changing prison reform. So I’m just an asshole loudmouth, minus rich friends in comparison.

Does my white polo scream white privilege? Yes but I don’t think F. Scott Fitzgerald got his Polo shirts at an outlet store in Lake George either.

 

Caitlyn Jenner says she never hears from his daughters anymore. If I made 50 grand every time I posted a pic doing Soul Cycle at Porcupine Puss Fit, I’d be in no rush to dial up pops either.

 

If I caught my son playing with dolls. I wouldn’t quit hosting the Oscars, to downplay my ties to the gay hip hop mafia. I’d also urge my son to wrap Peckerwood, before making a move on Polynesian Barbie.

 

Saying Canada is our most important alley is like saying Meek Mill was Jay Z’s number 2 boy at Roc a Fella records over Beanie Sigel back in the day and sound just as ridiculous and meaningless.

 

Who does Obama hate more, black people or my people the Jews? Obama did nuke gift Iran 1.5 billion on his way out the door. And it wasn’t to lessen the economy’s reliance on the sales of face wax for the Kardashians.

 

Black people really don’t like Lebron James, right? Lebron’s like Obama with talent. When Lebron loses in the finals, do you think Obama tears into his secret stash of Almond Joys in the basement behind a box of duct tape from Costco?

 

I’d go down on Pam Grier now over Gisele any day of the week.
Gisele’s still a super model but she’s still 80 in model years.
Plus, I’ll take the smell of coco butter on Jackie Brown over Avocado oil slathered on Giselle any day of the week.

 

Most passive aggressive suicide note of 2018 goes to Kate Spade. Ask Dad.
Ask dad what? Whether I was the one impossible to live with? What a bag of shit Kate.

Joe Biden’s getting paid 150K for speeches about whether he plans on challenging Trump for the Presidency of the United States. “Please run, Joe.” These people act like Obama’s Gail Sayer’s magic of yesteryear will rub off on the second coming of Brian Piccolo.

My impersonation of Russell Simmons. Read my lisp. I never raped any of those vengeful, over the hill ho’s.

This is business merger talk between Dr. Dre and Eminem. Hey Slim, Microsoft paid 1.6 bill for LinkedIn. Word…., LinkedIn is lamer than ever yoh.

Georgetown apologized for slavery. Took long enough. Now apologize to Allen Iverson for allowing him to blow off Mo Money Management 101 from Do Rags To Riches.

Ban Ice because Homeland Security was so weapons of mass destruction years.

I wish LavarBall was my sub coach dad growing up.
He’d throw me a house party at home and only invite stuck up Jenny from the block. 2 minutes in, he barks. The Yahoo bottle, doesn’t spin itself, bitch.

If LaVarBall was my substitute coach dad growing up, he’d get Rihanna to pop my cherry so I’d feel like a big baller in junior high. How’d do you do it pops? I gave Rihanna future profit participation points in Ballerwear son.

I hear Trump banned Motley Crue from playing at his inauguration after Jared Kushner got tense. Insisting Tommy Lee would come off as too alt-rightish. Stressing: My Hebrew Hammer is no match Dad.

Crazy white girls on CNN calling Trump the Anti-Christ. But in the New Testament, Jesus defeats him. So have some faith in the Jesus comeback story, CNN Chickenheads.

Bill De-Blasio’s, African American wife used to be a hard core Lesbian but we’re supposed to believe garlic breath converted her? Plus, he eats pizza with a fork and knife. So can you really picture big bird burying his peak into her bean pie with such sloppy abandon?
Remember when it took Hillary Hammer Time Cankles 5 times to get her Metrocard to work? By swipe 5, she mumbles to herself. Super Predators are looking. You can do it. But she quotes Hamilton like a dumpier Chuck D. So she’s alright.

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But Walt Whitman Self-Published

 

What’s Latin Daddy? And don’t tell me Bob Dylan was in the Latin Club again.

He’s the only songwriter to win the Nobel Prize for Literature.

 

I want to punch you in the face so bad right now. And for the record, Warren Zevon sounds like The Last Unicorn.
But seriously daddy, why do I have to take Latin again? My Colombian friend Shannon told me Latin is old school white privilege English. I say. You try seducing Cleopatra with limericks in Yiddish. And see how that materializes for you.

New Intro for Do It All Dad Year Podcast EP54 “My Cubicle Resistance”
I’m a Spiritual Medium Comedian for voiceless, dead man dads. Today, I’m visited by Lenny Bruce, doing my act, because I passed his hack free seal of approval.

INT. HOME
Wife
Won’t self-publishing a book cost money?
Stay At Home Comedian
Hush, let me finish.
Wife
I’ve been patient for 10 years.
Stay At Home Comedian
Whistling like Axl Rose helps.

Rocky 3 proves flailing blocked hay-makers, compared to improved, balletic, ducking and weaving in ring ain’t nothing.

Me
I was ready for our sex date after tucking in the kids. But you went to sleep on me on the couch before they did.
Wife
You seemed angry with me.
Me
Your soggy sage pesto didn’t help. And I’m so horny. I’d French Kiss Julia Child.

Crazy Good Dada
School Lunches Deconstructed
Cafeteria ban is in full effect. Thank God. Don’t these moms have anything else better to do than hang out with their boring kids for lunch? I guess mommy blogger meetups have limited appeal after all.

INT. HOME
Wife
Won’t self-publishing a book cost money?
Stay At Home Comedian
Walt Whitman self-published Leaves of Grass.
Your faith left in your husband making a star studded dent in this universe is less than blue ball season on Neptune.

Crazy Good Dada Lunch Continued
Today, I learned Brooke’s name is actually Brooklyn. She’s like a mini Lena Dunham. Brooke’s parents just signed her up for horse riding lessons. Now Brooke breath, identifies herself as a self-involved, know it all twat.

I’d rather hear the Muslim call to prayer in my own home than hear my stuck up English mother in law say Christmas on our Alexa speakers at full blast. Because at least the Muslim call to prayer never sounds gratingly generic.

Daddy, what does Zen mean? It’s a school of Buddhism that teaches you to use meditation for enlightenment. What’s enlightenment? The opposite of being an all over the place Jew. You’re not very good at meditation yet, are you Dada?

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

The Productive Stoner

I always wanted to be a functional pothead. But I had to stop trying 3 kids later.  I gave it my best shot. Don’t think I’m quitter.

7 years ago, my wife barges into our 1 bedroom apartment bathroom on a Friday night in a whirlwind of presumptive disgust because I was enjoying myself a tad too much as our 3 year old splashed in the bubble. And sang with me as we crooned with soul stirring,  shimmering glee to Bob Marley’s evil spirit conquering Duppy Conqueror. Understand, I puffed a one hitter in the bathroom with the window open before I got my daughter situated in there which got me feeling extra loose. Now, my wife barges through the bathroom door unannounced. Shoots off a final judgement hate stare in my direction and says with frothy, damnation dispiritedness. “You’re such a stoner.” Before slamming the bathroom door coming off the hinges.  Next my 4 year old daughter, Matilda, Singing Rose Kornbluth says. “Daddy, you’re not a stoner. You’re a rock star.” I say. “You’re right, Matilda. Because stoners aren’t doers and daddy is a doer. Granted, I haven’t done mommy since her birthday last year but that’s besides the point.”

So do I still smoke some weed? Squeeze in a puff of Florida Crippy’s for old times sake to celebrate writing the 1st draft of a new TV pilot like I did for my past creations including Don’t Laugh I Live Newark, Mr. Right and Mike Mates? I’m strong at banging out headline hookers I know. But no, I haven’t smoked the scrumptious, crystal specked green supreme goodness in 4 months now I think. Could be longer. So much for my short-term memory bouncing back with palpable, reverberating vengeance since my past podcast goodbye to my pothead plagued past in Episode 43 My Weed Exit Interview, on my Do It All Dad Year Podcast. I had my daughter do the intro for it. “Funnier, dad, happier baby, and I’m living proof of it. Can I get a Challah for some Challah?”

Ok, so back to the million dollar question, what drove me to take a permanent vacation from what I perceived as my best bud till my daughter Matilda was born? For starters, 3 kids later, I could no longer afford to feel like a bigger moron than I already feel around my comedic genius daughter. She’s a math nerd also which is a tad annoying. It got to the point, where I was disgusted at my belabored, ad lib replies to her super deep, out of nowhere questions about God.  My daughter asks. “So Daddy, if God created the Universe, then who created God?” I say. “God, went back in time in a Time Machine made by Elon Musk.” Daughter says. “Real convincing Dada. Thanks for making me an Atheist at 4.” The joke doesn’t work as good if she says 6.

When you stop smoking weed after you’ve been a Stoner for 2 decades in a row, you start remembering your dreams because they’re so vivid crazy homes. You think you’ve been blackout drunk your entire waking life prior. What I’ve noticed in these dreams is old buds resurface. Who I’d either get stoned with or drunk with. But any semblance of a sturdier, brotherly bond past getting fucked up together, disintegrates under the unflinching, murky, glare of my dream undertow. Where old buds appear emotionless within the shadowy corners of my subconscious, REM catching up mind man.

I also compared my joke retweet stats on Twitter when I took an extended break on weed prior to my podcast Weed Exit Interview episode and was disgusted at the sobering statistical illumination revelation. I banged out almost ten times as many jokes off the weed than on it. Plus, my jokes on weed in comparison sounded like the dull minded, dim witted, dead brained drippings of a mentally strained douche-bag.

 

Trump has produced around 38,000 tweets compared to my 40,000 plus from my past. Proving native New Yorker’s hailing from Queens don’t have a hard time expressing themselves or ever run out of colorful things to say. At the same time, this doesn’t mean I’ve had burnout induced moments in my 20’s and 30’s when I was an awful communicative stoner, which haunt me till this day.

Once, I was cold calling a VP of Engineering as an IT Recruiter, doing new business development in Manhattan for a staffing company in One Penn Plaza right above MSG. And I could barely state my own full name clearly and at this point I only had 36 years of practice. “Hi, my name is Michael Kornbababluth, from Adam Jacobs & Associates. “Struggling with your own name I see” the VP of Engineering said with relished glee.

My own father stopped smoking weed after he met my mom in college. It was a deal breaker for her. Once, I recall watching the Knicks my Senior Year in High School when I started smoking plenty of weed after school from the Bronx, the cheap, sprayed kind that tastes like Windex. So I’m watching the game with my dad and out of nowhere my dad says with all knowing, dour disdain, “You’re not speaking well.” Translation, you’re smoking too much weed and you’re a learning disabled kid who didn’t crack a 1000 on his SAT’s. You’re not Bob Dylan, moron.

I always wanted to be a functional pothead. Getting my TV writing gig at VH1 Classic for Americas Hard 100, which was 12 years in the making felt great. Especially after I rose to the occasion and proved to myself I could get a high stakes writing job done well with all eyez on me pressure. I got stoned solo to celebrate in Manhattan off my prized one hitter and took a soulful, money, money, cocksure stroll from Times Square to my favorite craft brew bar in Manhattan on 10th Avenue to extend my feel good party in my honor. But then, I’m at the bar, being non-predatory flirty, feeling like a married slut in a straight jacket. Acting nervous around woman at the bar because I feel guilty about being free of my 3 year old girl for once and that was before my other 2 kids were born.

I continued to get high off the extra good green after becoming a dad because it still brought me pleasure and it helped my brain chill at night when I’d squeeze in a hit away from kids after dinner around 7. I’d love listening to the Grateful Dead, Europe 72 on it or Hair Metal ballads by Warrant, especially while reading new jokes of mine which come alive off the page a bit more on it. Plus, my evening reading performances for my kids in bed were more spontaneous fun for both the kids and me. Reality is though, weed is a poor man’s substitute for the American Hustler search and destroy, kill um all mentality  I needed to embody to become a major comedy success in this universe and continued weed use burns out my full throttle flame of creativity before I can take it even higher. I justified my weed use for long because I’d use the weed as a reward for getting a new script or blog done, but that’s a limited way of thinking, especially knowing, how I’m scheduling myself to be less productive the day after I get blazed.

My wife’s worse nightmare was me being stoned at night once she was in labor with our 3 child Samuel Teddy.  The birth of Samuel pushed me past my obsession with fulfilling all my self-serving needs. 14 months later I became determined to love myself better and be the healthier, wiser, friskier, funnier Dad provider my family of 5 needed me to be. Now, I’m pushing myself to maximize my time on this earth to make it as a writer on the rise after all. One my 3 kids can be proud of past their adoration of dad because they’re not teenagers in love with anyone else but me yet.

My book Stay At Home Comedian is a love letter about how my 3 kids finally got my act together. It’s a self-improvement story about how my 3 kids inspired me to replace bad habits with good habits. It’s a humor book about parenting, modern fatherhood and controlling my kids through comedy as a stay at home comedian podcast host blogger who works from home  It’s a memoir about my unusual artist family and how my kids have made me a better friend, husband, patriot, writer, leader and comedian.  Last night, my daughter asks. “Are you getting close to finishing your humor book on fatherhood, Stay At Home Comedian yet daddy? When you start selling copies of it through Amazon Kindle and at Barnes and Noble, I can call you a real artist because real art sells, right Dada?” I say. “I liked it better when you called me a rock star instead. Richard Belzer called all comedians frustrated rock stars at heart.”

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

My New American Dream

INT. HOME
4 Year Old Son
Is God happy?
Mom
God can be a she.
Dad
Mama’s feminist teen spirit post Meto eclipses any shot of Nirvana for God kid.

Eddie Vedder’s voice fluctuates between hushed, garbling, constipated tones and cathartic, overacted overtones like a darker, more masculine sounding Dave Mathews on better weed.

Lena Dunham is profiled by the Cut? But she got her own pad in the West Village without having to depend on her daddy for a handout. Lena cuts off her dad, not the other way around. Oh, I thought Cut was an indie glamour mag about suicide, my bad.

Did you know Lena Dunham was Hillary’s Social Media Community Manager? Only Lena Dunham could make Hillary Hammer Time Cankles less likable and relatable in 1 blubbery swoop.

When Trump won 2 years ago. I prayed for the Wall to be built around the strip clubs in Montreal. So Lena Dunham, wouldn’t scare away all the clientele. Amy Schumer is having a baby. Lena Dunham and Sarah Silverman are losing.

I hate stories about seeing Bruce live more than stories about seeing the Grateful Dead pre-Aids before Magic made HIV disappear. When you could bang any chesty Italian gal from Jersey in the parking lot at Giants for drum solo filler in between.

Wife
You haven’t given me any smiles today.
Husband
Stroke my ego and you know what else more. Then, talk dirty to me.
Because I want action tonight, satisfaction alright. And your PJ look with no make up on isn’t enough to make Thor go higher. I call my mighty pounder mallet Thor.

Foot Doctor Assistant
You didn’t show for your last appointment.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I have 3 kids and been blessed with useless, bare minimum, Facebook grandparents on both sides of the virtual fence babe. So don’t bust my balls babe.

INT. ZERO GRAVITY OFFICE
Elon Musk talks to his AI powered life coach computer.
Standing desks were so 2017 Tron Robbins.
If I move to Mars, I’ll be single longer because maintaining long distance relationships from mars are always a stretch.

INT. KITCHEN
Wife
I’m going to ask for work off Monday.
Husband
It’s your life.
Wife
That’s the meanest thing you can say.
Husband
You really think I’m a slacker, don’t you?

Shameless recycle of my gift letter opener for my part Turkish friend from college for Kwazna. He doesn’t celebrate Kwanza but some Turks must. Dear Dave,
Happy to hear about your path to sober, healthier, less destructive living.

Everything in Greenwich, CT is greener, brighter and prettier. My new dream is to buy a home there for my family as a well off writer performer entertainer. Westchester Country is like brownish, regular commercial weed in comparison. I can pass a drug test. I swear. My Weed Exit Interview Podcast was 3 months ago at least.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

Hair Metal Humor Overkill

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Me
It means Joe Elliot hasn’t aged as well as Jon Bon Jovi. And is no longer considered a photograph of perfection.

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Me
You’ll what? Insist Hair Nation send all their advertisers British Flag draped Resist The Hall coffee cups for Christmas.

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Me
It means Steve Perry with the long hair is more like the Androgynous type the Hall is into for all time great, pop rock selling bands.

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Me
You’ll what? Accuse Jann Wenner of tickling Joe Elliot’s British moles through his torn Bugle Boy Jeans for a Rolling Stone photo shoot in 88.

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Me
Dave Mustaine tweets. Bubble Gum Rock sells except the Hall isn’t buying.

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Me
Joe Elliot will think here we go again. If White Snake gets in before us, I’ll jump off London Bridge in the still of the night.

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Me
David Lee Roth will show up to Joe Elliot’s house in his EMS best after he rocks till he drops of a broken heart.

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Me
Eddie Vedder will co-write an op-ed with Neil Young for the NY Times called Glam Metal is Noise Pollution.

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Me
You’ll blame it on Russian Death Metal journalists at Metal Hammer magazine for bashing the 25 year reissue of Hysteria to pieces.

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall.
Me
It means the Hall cares more about Joan Baez’s banshee drone than rock, rock, till you drop records like Pyromania which sold 10 million units bitches.

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Me
NWA’s entry won’t feel legit?

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Me
Then, you’ll feel like a deplorable for voting for a British glam metal Brexit from the Hall if Iron Maiden gets voted in before they do?

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Me
Gene Simmons will act superior smug regardless.

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

Declaration of Drug Dependence

Wine makes you sleepy.
Beer makes you fat.
Whiskey makes you old.
Weed makes you stupid.
Adderall makes you tenser edgy.
Finish blogging your book, lose 10 pounds this winter & guilt your wife into doing the same. Celebrate dunking out.
The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my readers. Creed 2 is a must see film if celebrating Fake News Fro ruined football isn’t your thing today either.  I love you all.

 

Number 1 Capricorn

Number 1 Capricorn squeezed out of mama on New Years Day in the big city, Manhattan to be exact. Chances are, Number 1 Capricorn won’t have a hard time hooking up on his birthday at a club in Manhattan when he gets older or struggle to rally his friends to celebrate his birthday on New Years Eve. By urging them to put down the VR Googles for a night when real life beer googles await.

I was also born on the Island of Manhattan. I share that in common with my son, number 1 Capricorn. Which gives you some insight into my son’s 1st nickname in my honor, Always Loud. If I was a Native American Indian, my son would call me Trips on Curbs.

My other 2 kids were born in suburbia, Number 1 Capricorn’s big sister Matilda Singing Rose, and his younger brother Samuel, Headbanger’s Ball. Does my son Arthur Morrison Kornbluth, AKA, Number 1 Capricorn, posses my flair for the comedic? Obviously, or else he’s not telling me in the car on the way back from Pre-K to be funnier than Weird Al before Christmas. Or he’s going to kill me with our sharpest knife for real. Obviously, he’s inherited my leanings toward dark humor also.

Is Number 1 Capricorn a sweet, observant, thoughtful child who never causes his dad any crazed distress? Similar to myself growing up, not that my own parents take this into consideration when they’ve always blatantly built up my younger brother versus constantly tearing me down. Despite my younger brother’s multiple arrest record, 2 decades long of nose candy abuse, derailed wedding engagement 1 week before his wedding. And the fact my parents had to take out a home equity line of credit to pay for their prefered son’s Boarding School in the process. But I digress.

My parents outsourced the education of my younger brother to an all Christian, jock heavy boarding school in Connecticut from the 9th grade onward. He says it made him tougher. And made him deal with actual Anti-Semitism like when his classmates threw pennies at his shoes for Mass. But a putzy, semi-built Jew from Westchester County like my younger brother. Who only competed in basketball and football against other similar putzy, semi-built Jews and Asians in a Division 3, suburban athletics prior. Was totally primed and ready to distinguish himself among the other monster, athletic bigs similar to former boarding school alum legends like NY Ranger great Bryan Leech, who broke the Cup curse from 1940, no problem.

My younger brother fell into the druggy crowd. I wasn’t any better. It did neither of us any favors. For me, it helped me come out of my shell a tad. And for my younger brother his test scores improved from snorting Ritalin. But it was a crutch. And only deepened his dependence and addiction for chemical induced highs. To help boost a strangled self-esteem void in the core of his being. For not feeling distinguished in any 1 particular field of interest like acting, writing, lacrosse or photography. This much I share in common with my younger brother from my experience in High School also minus the snorting Ritalin part. I had get into the Roy H. Park School of Communications at Ithaca College. Before I became friends with kids to snort Ritalin with and become the beneficiary of such speed paper writing privilege. Ithaca is otherwise known as Cornell’s retarded next door neighbor. But I graduated from the distinguished Roy H. Park School of Communications. So after graduation, I could take a bong hit of the extra strong outdoor and manage not to stutter every other 2 seconds.

At the same time, my younger brother showcased glimmers of leadership potential during summers with Wilderness Ventures. Leading his group mount, the glorious Gran Teton National Park in Wyoming. Whereas I wasted away summers, counting down the days for Summer Camp to end during Color War. Because I wasn’t leading our basketball team to victory despite winning “The Most Improved Basketball Player Award.” Still knowing I was the 2nd worst athlete at camp after the Sheik’s son from Great Neck. Had no intention of writing about younger brother here but it makes sense because the story I’m telling is about my desire to raise my son into a winner because preparing is caring. And settling for outsourcing your kids education to strangers prematurely isn’t.

Preparing is caring. Don’t get me wrong, my dad coached me in basketball when I was a kid. But in retrospect, I got the impression he did it more for his own ego enlargement than for my own competitive evolution. It’s a damning statement I know. But even my younger brother who denies our dad is a narcissist. Despite our Dad having zero problem playing tennis 350- days in Scottsdale, Arizona, summer included. Versus playin and getting to know his 3 grandchildren better than he did for his 1st born. Now, I’d say my dad’s favorite activities in retirement in Arizona are playing tennis and jerking off to the Weather Channel. With news of more winter storms, slamming against the Eastern seaboard, again and again. But at least my dad’s feeling good about his developing ground game. According to my dad’s new instructor, his forehand has never been stronger.

But I’m being serious. Preparing is caring. I’m in Arizona with my younger brother and my family. And my younger brother says. “Push Arthur more than Dad did with us.” Again, let me stress the fact this advice was coming from my younger brother. Who rejects any fake news notion of our father being a Narcissist. And this is coming from a kid who posts driving selfies of himself on Facebook. Proving how the road to objectivity is way behind him. “Push Arthur more than Dad did with us.” Is coming from a kid who sees nothing wrong with leaving a condom on a couch where my kids used to play. We ditched the couch once we moved. “Push Arthur more than Dad did with us.” Is coming from a younger brother who saw no problem, asking me to get him high, when I granted him the opportunity to come through for me and look after my kids Arthur and Matilda before my lucky 3 Samuel, my flipper, breech baby was born. Which I just made the birth to in time because I had to call an audible at the last second and invite my in-laws to drive 3 hours from Delaware to look after my 2 kids at our place because my younger brother’s heart wasn’t into being a class, non-selfish act for once his life, my chest. That’s not my expression. A friend of mine in high school coined it but it’s beyond pertinent to incorporate in this butter fingers, baby brother, dropping the ball case of biblical proportions. Similar to when God said to Adam. “Under no circumstances, turn the apple of knowledge into your personal bong. The magic herb already possess plenty of mind stimulant properties of it’s own. Who do you think created Maui Wowie in the 1st place?”

So when my younger brother of 3 years who posted a picture of himself holding my 3rd born in our home as his new Facebook photo without my consent. You can understand why I got enraged, thinking, great. Now, he’s stolen both my weed, Adderall and my life. How many times has he babysat my other 2 yet? So I can squeeze in an open mike God forbid. But feel free to use my newborn as a means to hide your sketchy surging side from mom to attract more maternal minded muff Sir Snort A Lot, my chest.

Look, even my own mother who worships the ground my younger brother walks on has admitted to me. “Son, you deserve a better younger brother.” So don’t think I’m being a melodramatic, caustic drama queen about it. I’m only mentioning my younger brothers’ serially self-centered behavior to highlight the contrasted sober sound advice he gave me in relation to my 1st son Arthur for a change. “Push Samuel more than dad did with us.” Because my younger brother is big enough to recognize the limitations of outsourcing your sons not only physical but spiritual and cultural education to strangers who aren’t family. I think we can all agree. It’s family members above else, especially dads, who should have the most personally vested interest in ensuring his children establish good, healthy habits, versus spoiled, lazy, degenerate, mentally retarding ones. Who should make it priority to educate his children on the danger of weed abuse, when their brais are still developing in High School. Instead of merely relegating you’re own use of weed in college because you worshiped Bob Dylan, sold weed in college and glamorized telling the tale of waking up to Sly Stone at Woodstock, in a post Acid haze to I’m going to take you higher.

I want my 1 Capicorn to get into the habit of winning sooner than later before losing becomes a complacent habit. Which as time drags on becomes a much harder habit to break. My dad still smokes cigarettes. And has zero problem stinking up my kids or leaving his disgusting bits of gum on our table whenever we’re graced with his presence, all after his heart attack no less. He blames his heart attack and being addicted to sleeping pills on my younger brother after his drug cop sting arrest. At the time all I thought in response was. That’s pretty fucked up thing to say dad in trying conceal your blatant favoritism you showcase in my younger brother’s direction, time and time again, obviously. Throwing your youngest son under the bus like this. Who you shipped off to Boarding School at 15. Knowing he had zero clue on how to be self-reliant or even defend himself in any effective capacity because you never signed us for Martial Arts either. Plus, insisting Jonathan gave you a heart attack over me, makes complete sense. Knowing your heart was always more invested into what upside and return my younger brother gave you in terms of pride and joy after you downplayed my rec basketball stock in front other dads in order to recruit higher caliber players. And relegated your 1st born to mere penny stock status post Bar Mitzvah. Because till this day, the only accomplishment of mine, my father beams about it was me rocking my Haftorah portion at my Bar Mitzvah. Despite my cold brought on by his perpetual, belittling, dismissive, you’re soft putz tone, which left my nervous system in shatters. It also doesn’t do wonders for your self-esteem, when your mother and father openly admit to fretting about nobody showing up to your Bar Mitzvah Party after the party happens. Only to learn they invited as many people as possible to cover their bases. Despite me having more friends back then than I do now by far.

I was close with plenty of my buds like Ari, John and Coop but all those past relationships during my age of innocence. When we used to dance like comedy buffoons to Man in the Mirror and get high off Shirley Temple’s alone at Bar Mitzvah parties galore fail to match the pure joy I derive from making a dish which gets my 1 Capricorn to launch into repeats laps around the room. Otherwise known as the Yummy Dance as my son declares with endless topping glee, best daddy ever.

All of those relationships, even mine with Coop. Who I’d buy candy with before Hebrew School. So our group of friends could throw the Nerds candy and Gobbstoppers at the Scarsdale kids moments later. Because we attended nearby Edgemont High School and went to movies like New Jack City in Yonkers, NY during the height of Albanian Guido revolution. Albanian and Italian Guido’s of late eighties, early nineties fame, were the original metrosexuals really. So, by spending all of our free time in Yonkers at the movies around such spiked haired, fist flailing Albanian bad assess of yesteryear, we became a tad tougher than our Snuggles soft Scarsdale counterparts by mere osmosis. And didn’t sweat retaliation from raining cherry Nerds in Danny Farbers face during readings of Exodus 1 bit.

Despite writing every Heavy Metal band we could think of or read about in Circus magazine with my friend Ari on our Jean Jacket Denium 3 ring binders instead of letting Rabbi Klein bore us to death. Jackie Mason, an ex Rabbi he wasn’t.

Despite all the time I spent in John’s driveway with him teaching me how to throw a tight spiral already. Despite all of those special, warm hearted memories amassed between these old school friends of mine. Who’ll I always love in my heart for loving my sweeter, sober, still way in his shy shell self. My relationship with my son Arthur, my number 1 Capricorn is far more magical and heart tingly than all of those past relationships combined. And we all saw Dice’s coming out party on HBO and Poison slay at the Westchester Country Center with Fallen Angel and Nothing But A Good Time together.

All of these friends mentioned above, came to open mikes and bringer shows I did in Manhattan after living in LA for six years after college. Our roots run deep. But having a son is different type of relationship because he’s a more beautiful, funnier, far sweeter manifestation of you. Plus, he emanates from your Tree Trunk. So he has a sense of humor and can laugh at my new naked nickname for him Pecker Wood.

My beautiful son, Arthur Morrison Kornbluth, my number 1 Capricorn, my all American dream. Can’t believe he’s real. God really came through for me when I prayed for none of my kids to be afflicted with my knock kneed putz gene and boy did he overdeliver. But as I’m always emphasizing to my 1 number Capricorn, talent alone is no guarantee of greatness or of transformation from nobody to somebody success. Is Kobe Bryant genetically gifted? Of course, but he’s gym rat and it’s his killer work ethic, his dogged desire to be the best like Larry the Legend and MJ before him which separates him from the Alpha Dog pack. I don’t want my son to get addicted to munchies and the giggles in High School. I want him to get addicted to winning and becoming a leader. Who helps turn other self-doubters into winning addicted believers.

Before Arthur was born, I said, babe, I got the perfect nickname for Arthur, we’re going to call him The Art Show. 1 second later, his big sister interjects Arthur Morrison Kornbluth’s swelling embryonic mojo. And says. “No, it’s my show.” Since then, I’ve also called my son Arthur, my All American Dream because he’s got blue eyes, blond hair and looks like a prettier Micky Mantle. If Leo played him in a movie before all the booze and coke drained him of his God given good looks like a non-fruiter sounding Peter O-Toole.

I think giving your kids confidence building nicknames are important because it gives them a high standard to live up to like Art Show USA or All American Dream or Number 1 Capricorn. I’d say those nicknames are a glaring contrast to self-esteem restricting nicknames like Waste of Height in comparison.

The 1st founding father to sign the Constitution, George Washington said 99% of people fail because of their insistence on making excuses. And I refuse to raise my Number 1 Capricorn to be this way. Preparing is caring. So when I see my son on the playground at Pre-K to pick up early. And see him running around with such athletic grace and confidence supreme because I pushed the monkey bars on him early like his sister and got him mirroring my kettle bell exercises at 3. This glorious sight of my son’s confidence on the rise puts me at ease. Knowing he’s so much more comfortable in his own skin than I ever was at his age. And he’s getting stronger at conquering his inner shyness, more everyday, yeah, yeah. “Life is on the other side of fear”, like Eleanor Roosevelt said. When you’re an unemployed stay at home comedian dad, you have plenty of time to look up life coaching quotes to use on your children I know.

Preparing is caring. In a sense, a fair share of the losing in my life has prepared me to become a more informed, empowering caretaker for my children to ensure their semblance of egos don’t get tripped up at the starting gate. Becoming a parent is a life improver do over by granting you the opportunity to do good through your children. By doing your best to make sure they’re aware of your mistakes and don’t repeat them to ensure they become addicted to winning sooner than later. And don’t end up an unemployed father of 3 with a very funny yet unbillable podcast and blog under their belt for the past year and change. Preparing is caring. And more than ever, I’m determined to be the best winning role model I can be for my 1 Capricorn. And the only way I can do this, which is under my control. Is to keep banging out more retweet worthy jokes, unearth more heart warming blog chapters and finish writing my book, Stay-At-Home Comedian already. And settle for nothing less than family inspired comedy gold so I become funnier than Weird Al and don’t die a nobody before Christmas. I told you 1 Capricorn got his dark sense of humor from me.

By,

Michael Kornbluth