Wife’s Birthday Party Gone South

Nationalist is a loaded word. The N bomb is a load word. ANTIFA lives matter is an oxymoron.

If I have to hear 1 more time. But the Israelis retaliate against the Palestinians with extreme force. What’s an acceptable response then? Poetry slams in a East Jerusalem coffee shop and dropping truth bombs about Hamas killing any shot of a 2 state solution instead?

You have Hypersexual Disorder. If a lower back massage leads to you ramming your pelvis into mama over the couch. I ask my daughter. You want to know how babies are made? Daughter says. Daddy, enough with “hump-backing” mama. Spare me the play, by play already.

 

My impersonation of Mike Birbiglia on Broadway
I felt so useless & sidelined after my wife gave birth to our daughter. So, I scribbled some jokes in my diary about how I get why Stallone left his wife in Over the Top. I’m feeling so vanilla vulnerable right now.

 

Michelle Obama says she stopped trying to smile at Trump’s Inauguration. Is like ANTIFA’s head of recruitment saying he stopped cashing checks from George Soros in his hidden Swiss bank account under Heidi Franz Krautpurgent.

Trump’s a white nationalist? But he moved our embassy to Jerusalem. So technically speaking, he’s a Hebrew Nationalist. Hebrew Hammer strikes his point home through his all mighty shtick again.

INT.  Home

Hub Guest

Louie CK is right. Most kids can be annoying assholes.

Stay At Home Comedian Dad

Mine are fuss free. But hipster husband talk of white nationalists turning America into an Aryan nation despite no Edward Norton, American History X knockoffs gracing the Oval Office feels like mainlining MDMA?

Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I enjoy mom’s friends over.
But do you know what I missed most yesterday kids?

Daughter
What daddy?
Dad
Focused attention away from you 3 kids. My greatest gifts of all.
Daughter
So everyday with us feels like Hanukkah, 8 days a week?

Stay At Home Comedian Dad
There’s funny & hilarious. Besides you being hyper-articulate Matilda.
You deliver naturalistic punchline words with extra personable pop and hilarious minded, expressive relish.

Daughter
I never want this compliment to end.

Who could resist this?

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Still Off IPA’s but back on Jokes Again

My 7 year old’s daughter’s developed sense of bullshit detection on full display.

Daddy, mommy said she could hang on a Trapeze Bar upside down with 1 leg when she was my age to. I wanted to say fake news mama. Bungee Jumping in Australia doesn’t require any upper hamstring strength either, raver hippie.

Obama and Michelle in Marriage Therapy
Trump won. I can’t be proud of our country anymore.
Despite a 7 figure advance on my memoir and my multi million dollar Netflix deal. Including free Uber and directors final cut.

Why would anyone name their kid Casper? Unless you’re Mel Brooks spoofing a Stephen King ghost story called Gentrification of Malcolm X Blvd.

 

Bakery Lady
Your sons are so handsome.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I already met with a lawyer to start drafting pre-poundage consent forms in their honor.

Bakery lady laughs long time.

1 Morning Prayer to Squeeze Into a Tweet
Lord, thank you making my son tougher than a black kid from Brooklyn. According to the ER Doctor after he got his stitches with no anesthesia because the line there was longer than the caravan, AMEN.

 

Morning Prayer In a Tweet Part 2
Lord, thank you for a daughter whose 10 times more impressive than mama and 10 times more athletic and 10 times more NY Jew smart ass smarter already at 7. Gentile Grandpa’s head hurts around her in a NY minute.

 

PR Hack for NBC
Will make Pete apologize on air live.
It will play well for #VeteransDay.
Then, Pete Davidson will no longer be perceived as Barney’s punk kid from the Simpsons. What, I used to do PR for Fox. Cut me some slack Lorne.

 

Macron is a jealous, little twat. Your country is ruined. And gripped in fear by you know who. Nationalism is a betrayal of patriotism. Of course he wants Uncle Sam to pick up their defense tab and bail their ass out of hell again.

What is Merkel giggling about? Her entire country has morphed into a no-go-rape zone. Her entire aura is 1 tied up back knot. And Macron is a fake news wannabe deep Balzac. Have fun with your Euro though, Frog Legs breath.

Nationalism is a betrayal of patriotism Macron? It’s the direct opposite jerk-off. Doesn’t baguette mouth realize Trump became President so America doesn’t descend into the lawless, freedom of speech paralyzed hellhole, Paris has become?

The hashtag campaign #ThankYouForYourService comes off as more forced than Larry David saying it to Hillary Hammer Time Cankles at a clambake fundraiser in Martha’s Vineyard in 2020.

1 hour before my wife’s birthday brunch celebration for her friends.
Babe, are we really blowing all of our Nespresso Pods on your friends? Isn’t sparkling wine from New Mexico enough? It’s a French wine making family. Macron insists their anti-nationalists.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

My Daughter Upstaging Me Again

I read a lot of Airport Reviews. So my career as a stay at home comedian dad feels on the up and up. Gotta dream about future book signings baby.

Alexa, play You Lost that Loving Feeling. Wife says. Are you trying to say something? Talk to your thighs, not me babe.

Do It All Dad sanity preservation tip:
Never ever, ever, buy Goldfish for your kids.
They get everywhere like Cheerios and you’ll resent your kids existence for picking up after such eighties has been, never great to begin with snacks.

I’ll say it for President Trump. Joni Mitchell is overrated. She sounds like a folk singer parody in a Christopher Guest film. Who teaches Californian yodeling at Santa Monica Community College.

Joni Mitchell’s crackling, high pitched falsetto voice doesn’t age well on the nerves. Sounds more like California screeching.

Good Morning Alexa. How did that blue wave materialize? You’re not smart enough to play Wipe Out are you? You know because Mike Love of the Beach Boys actually praised President Trump for trying to help save the greatest voice of all.

Bill Deblasio let 900 NYC prisoners vote in the #Midterms2018. But President Trump is in favor of prison reform and lowering jail sentences for 1st time drug offenses. So I’m not as offended as I should be in this instance Big Bird.

Acosta should sue the president. No, he’s a pip squeak load that should’ve been swallowed.

If Jim Acosta was a comedian, he’d be banned from the Comedy Cellar also.
Due to his resistance to relinquish the microphone after getting the cue to wrap up his set on having to wear sunglasses in airports because he’s always on there.

Amy Schumer’s pregnant. Sarah Silverman is crying herself to sleep into her hoodie. Lena Dunham’s losing.

Jon Stewart getting heckled at vet benefit.
So glad you made it. I thought you’d be at the border.
ISIS vent viral under Obama. And now he’s a crack head.
You really know how to pick um Hebrew National.

Tucker Carlson’s racist rhetoric has created a frenzy against migrants. Whatever Blondie. Call me when you return to reality. Where Maxine Waters calls for violence against real loving Americans. Are ANTIFA groupies even a thing? Gross.

San Francisco didn’t wait for a DACA ruling of any kind since they declared themselves a sanctuary city once the term went viral, correct? But protecting rapists & murders, US citizens or not is mentally sound urban planning at its finest.

You can’t call march of the illegals, demanding entry into America after being offered asylum & jobs in Mexico an invasion if they’re only a 100 miles away. Sure, if they start backpedaling to Honduras like Apollo on the beach in Rocky 3.

I’m going to make a poster of acting AG Matthew Whittaker for my kids room. He looks like King Kong Bundy’s abandoned son with a colossal chip on his shoulder.

My 7 year old daughter’s brain on fire.
Daddy, when I get older, I’m opening up an obstacle school for grownups. With Monkey Bars, an acre high, floods, flips off cliffs, you name it.
My 7 Year old daughter preparing games for mama’s birthday.
Daddy, I made Tic Tac Toe with bigger squares, pin the tail on the unicorn. You can do some jokes about how annoying wives are Daddy. Without singling out mama specifically.

Int. Bedroom
Daughter
I read this book already daddy
It bored me to death, murderer.
Lock her up. Lock her up.

Daddy laughs long time.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Headbangers Ball VJ Ricky Rocket on Fox News Today

These Midterms are a vote for either Nancy Pelosi save me or the children cry. Or for money talks and ball breaker.

These Midterms are a vote for past its prime Europe or a clean and sober, revitalized, 90’s Aerosmith on the up and up again.

These Midterms are a vote for sober reasoning or CNN insisting Trump canceled Motley Crue’s appearance at the White House. Because Tommy Lee was too alt right for his taste.

These Midterms are a vote for law and order or else nothing else matters.

These Midterms are a vote for we’re not going to take it or the same old pyromania situation because oh, oh, Berkeley’s on fire.

These Midterms are a vote for nothing but a good time how can I resist. Which is a far cry from Dick Cheney’s Iron Maiden years.

These Midterms are a vote for revival of our paradise cities or stopping the youth gone wild from breaking the law, breaking the law.

These Midterms are a vote for something to believe in or more big talking.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Really Funny People and Judd Apatow

Dream Interpretation of Lady Gaga Falling In Love With Me
A star is born once I give birth to my parenting book Stay At Home Comedian. If I don’t terminate it in the 3rd trimester because my wife insists it’s a blue collar economy now.

Useless Younger Brother
You have to write some jokes on Alec Baldwin. I share. Zero response. So tempted to text. So me having skin cancer is still 50/50. I’ll take those odds over you ever surprising me with a zero agenda act of generosity again.

I’ve always been critical but Judd Apatow is a Godsend for making Funny People, his most personal film by far. It’s a very funny, pointed, heart felt film at its core. Politics aside, I love the comedy art he promotes and embodies so well.

I’ve changed my tune. F Judd Apatow for not being able to put his stupid politics aside and show the most modicum form of love for my emotive, heart felt compliment in his honor. Stern is right. His wife is super annoying in all his films.

Daddy, what’s the difference between a private school and a public one?
Feeling like a zero for not having enough zeros in your bank account to afford one in Connecticut Bush country.

F New York. I had the best Sicilian of my life in Greenwich, CT today. Plus, the Ricotta with eggplant slice. Didn’t taste like a ball of breadcrumbs or a plop of puked up Ricotta either. Marinara was spicy, fleshy and popping with personality boy.

Int. Home
Son calls grandparents.
Papa
Who is it?
Son
(Angry)
It’s me Arthur.
Are other 4 year old’s calling you on Sundays for Boy Scout donations?
Should we try again? So your embrace is less distant creepy.

Out of work music executive defending his stoner ways in divorce court.
My wife beats me up judge. At least on weed, it slows the action and I can defend myself better like Neo in the Matrix.

My impersonation of James Woods.
Had lunch with Oliver last week.
What else am I going to do?
Watch more #StormIsComing videos on Youtube?

Ricky Rocket from Headbanger’s Ball as a Political Pundit on Fox News
These Midterms are a vote for. Revival of our paradise cities or stopping the youth gone wild from breaking the law, breaking the law.

Me explaining what Eye Of The Tiger means to my 3 kids over Rocky 3.
It’s a stare which screams all business. It’s doing what you got to do. Like mama once a year on her birthday.

Obama downplaying Trump’s Border Order
It’s a stunt. Your President isn’t concerned with securing the border, legal immigration solutions or building a wall to keep out non-vetted undesirables. He just watched Red Dawn 1 too many times.

Obama on Trumps Border Order
It’s a fear mongering stunt. I would’ve deployed 10, 15 Hillary Audi 5000 Terminator drone models tops.

Obama on Trump’s Border Order
Trump wants to end chain migration. Why don’t you get Elon Musk to build you a time machine to go back in time and end the underground railroad while you’re at it Richie Rich.

Obama downplaying the Migrant Cavern at a Midterm Rally
It ain’t so bad. It ain’t nothing. None of you saw Rocky 3, did you?
Forgot I wasn’t in Mr. T country back in sweet home Chicago.

Obama on Trump’s Border Order
Trump hates the American Dream. Sure, it’s made him a morally bankrupt billionaire. But who gave you Obamacare, the Iran Deal and got Roseanne’s fat ass fired from her own show? That’s right, my live in Arabian Horse whisperer, Valerie Jarrett, that’s who.

Int. Car-Greenwich, CT
Stay At Comedian Dad
They own that pond.
7 Year Old Daughter
If we lived there. We can have picnics outside our home.

Int. Home
Wife
These chairs are made out of recycled plastic.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I bet they’re from Hillary’s Black American Express Cards because her credit with Russian Bankers is kaput.

Int. Home
Stay At Home Dad Comedian
You guys can play with these cardboard boxes outside. Make them into tent cities for rowdy Care Bears. Who try to crash your Hula Hip Hop party without an invitation.

Int. Playground-CT
Push my son on the swing. Woman next to me pushes her daughter. All I hear is Spanish from the mom and daughter.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Arthur, what happened to your other shoe?
All I see is Uno. Daddy is so stupido, doh, Eo, oh, oh.  Doh oh.

Int. Car
Merle Haggard plays.
7 Year Daughter
Why do country singers spend so much time in jail?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
To prove their manhood because they all seem to have an unhealthy obsession with mama.

Int. Carpet Store-CT
Owner
How do your kids keep up with you?
You’re pretty high energy.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Instead of Sesame Street, I’ve raised all 3  kids on Martin Scorsese’s DVD commentary from Mean Streets.

What about self-centered grandparents Shakespeare?
“How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child.”
My mother in law adopted a rescue dog to get out of the house more often. Her 3 grandchildren lack the same gravitational pull.

Int. Carpet Store-CT
Owner
How do your kids comprehend you?
Calling you high energy is an understatement.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I raised them on AC/DC. So I’m whippets slow compared to Aussie wild man Bon Scott.

Int. Home
Stay At Home Comedian
Play with these cardboard boxes outside kids. You can make them into Roger Water metaphors. And accuse Yetta the Chicken of cultural genocide if you want to stay in character or not.

What about self-centered grandparents Shakespeare?
“How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child.”
My in-laws spend more on dog day care on a rescue than they do for their own 3 grandchildren combined.

What about self-centered grandparents Shakespeare?
“How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child.”
My father chooses tennis with Dr. Ken 350 days a year over getting to know his grandchildren on a bare minimum basis.

I hope Pet Sounds was written before Brian Wilson had any kids. I just wasn’t made for these times becomes an insufferable bitch feast to endure. When you’re a father of 3, knowing he had the Wrecking Crew to bang out new albums any time he wanted.

Shakespeare says hanging perverts has prevented many a bad marriage. What was that play called? Louie in Love with Lube, X-Videos Lost or Taming of the Blue?

Int. Carpet Store-CT
Nice Jewish Store Owner
Technically speaking, your kids aren’t Jewish.
Stay At Home Comedian
Because my wife didn’t convert out of old school yenta peer pressure alone. And refused to kick Jesus to the curb for me.

Int. Car
Daughter
Daddy, a magician in school created nature.
Stay At Home Comedian
Did he whip a Rabbit out of a hat?
Daughter
How did you know?
Stay At Home Comedian
It’s the oldest trick in the book but you made it sound way better.

My 4 year old son refusing to be depreciated.
7 Year old sister says. You’re not doing the hip hop Hula dance right. Younger brother says. Shut up. I’m doing it perfect. Pound salt Paula Abdul.

Int. Car
Lady Gaga plays.
7 Year Daughter
Daddy, what’s a Disco Stick? Is it a memory stick that glows in the dark?
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
Or an unwanted prick on the dance floor behind you.

By,

Michael Kornbluth