When The Shredder Frets

Vinnie Boom Boom Burrata kissed his Fender Stratocaster more than his ex-wife. In his ex-wife’s defense, she was a self-conscious kisser on pure MDMA. Plus, nothing made Vinne Boom Boom Burrata smile more inside than making his Fender Stratocaster cry. Big tits get played out on the same wife compared to copping endless slides down your electrified shaft, which Vinnie could make come to life like no other. BB King had Lucille and Vinne Boom Boom Burrata had Amanda, named after his favorite power ballad by Boston who also wrote his 2nd favorite song ever, A Man I’ll Never Be, which reminded him of his dear pop who died in his arms from fucking Gum cancer, despite giving up dip for Big League Chew ages ago.

Vinnie’s Dad, Roberto, hailed from a fine line of guitar makers in San Marzano Italy known for its olive farms and its fertile breeding ground of Ferrari red glimmery tomatoes that were sweet enough to pop in your mouth off the vine as if they were mother earth’s answer to organic nerd dispensers. After getting his strumming finger cut off by a local mob boss Domnick De-Gutter Grasi, for refusing to pay the protection money for his acoustic guitar making store for European royalty with plenty of free time on their hands to strum away the midday nappy booze under the sun. Because of that, Vinnie was forced to leave Italy for America and move in with his older brother in Staten Island who was an Italian Butcher known for his 100 Year Prosciutto curing hall beneath his shop on Arthur Kill Road.

Roberto became known as the 9 fingered butcher of Staten Island, who’d flip off the spoiled mafia offspring 6 degrees separated from the Gotti family whenever they’d drop by the shop expecting non-stop access to his primo aged pork samplings below the store, which sold for thousands per pound on the open market. Still, Roberto never lost his love of guitar creation and swore to God he’d make a Barolo wine red one for his 1st and only son Vitto Boom Boom Burrata to ensure he didn’t let the Italian Mafia kill off his family line’s gift of heart strumming serenades that put our heart’s together with our maker in one seemingly beautiful harmony.

But now Roberto’s only son, Vinnie Boom Boom Burrata, who was his best friend till the end can’t play his cherished Fender Stratocaster without crying his eyes out for his dearly departed Papa. Vinnie quit his band Shredder after they signed a recording contract with a new upstart record label Wailing Wall of Metal Records, based on the operatic, heart tingly instrumental guitar solo song, Roberto’s Son Shreds. Vinnie’s finger tapping work on Roberto’s Son Shreds was described by Guitar World as, “Getting finger blasted by Eddie Van Halen on your wedding night great.”

Little did Vinnie know, his biggest fan was a kid known on YouTube as Hardcore Hunga Rocks, who was considered pound for pound the greatest little drummer pounder prodigy since Buddy Rich headlined his own Bat Mitzvah at 10, like a young Cameron Crowe on the sticks from Almost Famous.

Hardcore Hunga Rocks tracks down his favorite shredder of all time in hopes of joining forces to make the greatest pop rock metal record Boston never made in the home recording studio Vinnie’s father had built for him before he was born to become the shredding beast of the six string that he could never be since pops fell in love with Led Zepplin and Jimmy Page’s masterful slide guitar work on In My Time of Dying.

Hardcore Hunga Rocks knocks on Vinnie’s door with such force, he knocks the entire door off its hinges in the process. Vinnie, a silky, long haired black stallion emerges from his Electric Playland Studio with a cigarette in hand and says, “Who invited you the fuck in?” Hardcore Hunga Rocks springs up from the marble floor and says, “How the fuck can you afford all marble floors? Your record advance from could’ve been that big? Besides, didn’t you have to give that record advance back after you quit the band to take care of your dad?” Vinnie takes a quizzical puff from his Camel Extra wide and says, “Your Hardcore Hunga Rocks. I’ve seen your drum solos on YouTube. I’ve never heard anyone smash the drums with harder edge than you kid. You should call your band Aftershock for Christ’s sake. Hardcore Hunga Rock says, “I’m not in a band, but I would want to form a supergroup with you. If Jack White and his fake news sister can do it, we can to. Make out with your guitar all you want. In fact, I was thinking we can make a video spoof of the November Rain video and have you walk down the aisle with your cherished Fender Stratocaster while doing a remake of the serially underrated cult classic, Till Death To Us Part by White Lion. ” Vinnie says, “Shit that’s my favorite song after A Man I’ll Never Be.” So, you want to join forces to become a super White Lion cover group?” Hardcore Hunga Rocks says, “When the Shredder Frets has a beautiful tonal ring to it already. Weird Al, I fucked him, I can’t take no more. My Dad was a huge Dice fan to.” Vinnie laughs for the 1st time in years as an incredible warm crash of sea calm washes over him and says, “Fuck Boston and Pete Davidson, let’s make Staten Island stand for something stand out special more than Russian gangsters sipping on espresso drinks in 25th Hour. I sold plenty of blow in the eighties, which paid for my marble laden home despite never touching the stuff. Hunter Biden was the gift that kept on giving my freshman year at Georgetown University.

The End

Michael Kornbluth

When The Shredder Frets

Vinnie Boom Boom Burrata kissed his Fender Stratocaster more than his ex-wife. In his ex-wife’s defense, she was a self-conscious kisser on pure MDMA. Plus, nothing made Vinne Boom Boom Burrata smile more inside than making his Fender Stratocaster cry. Big tits get played out on the same wife compared to copping endless slides down your electrified shaft, which Vinnie could make come to life like no other. BB King had Lucille and Vinne Boom Boom Burrata had Amanda, named after his favorite power ballad by Boston who also wrote his 2nd favorite song ever, A Man I’ll Never Be, which reminded him of his dear pop who died in his arms from fucking Gum cancer, despite giving up dip for Big League Chew ages ago.

Vinnie’s Dad, Roberto, hailed from a fine line of guitar makers in San Marzano Italy known for its olive farms and its fertile breeding ground of Ferrari red glimmery tomatoes that were sweet enough to pop in your mouth off the vine as if they were mother earth’s answer to organic nerd dispensers. After getting his strumming finger cut off by a local mob boss Domnick De-Gutter Grasi, for refusing to pay the protection money for his acoustic guitar making store for European royalty with plenty of free time on their hands to strum away the midday nappy booze under the sun. Because of that, Vinnie was forced to leave Italy for America and move in with his older brother in Staten Island who was an Italian Butcher known for his 100 Year Prosciutto curing hall beneath his shop on Arthur Kill Road.

Roberto became known as the 9 fingered butcher of Staten Island, who’d flip off the spoiled mafia offspring 6 degrees separated from the Gotti family whenever they’d drop by the shop expecting non-stop access to his primo aged pork samplings below the store, which sold for thousands per pound on the open market. Still, Roberto never lost his love of guitar creation and swore to God he’d make a Barolo wine red one for his 1st and only son Vitto Boom Boom Burrata to ensure he didn’t let the Italian Mafia kill off his family line’s gift of heart strumming serenades that put our heart’s together with our maker in one seemingly beautiful harmony.

But now Roberto’s only son, Vinnie Boom Boom Burrata, who was his best friend till the end can’t play his cherished Fender Stratocaster without crying his eyes out for his dearly departed Papa. Vinnie quit his band Shredder after they signed a recording contract with a new upstart record label Wailing Wall of Metal Records, based on the operatic, heart tingly instrumental guitar solo song, Roberto’s Son Shreds. Vinnie’s finger tapping work on Roberto’s Son Shreds was described by Guitar World as, “Getting finger blasted by Eddie Van Halen on your wedding night great.”

Little did Vinnie know, his biggest fan was a kid known on YouTube as Hardcore Hunga Rocks, who was considered pound for pound the greatest little drummer pounder prodigy since Buddy Rich headlined his own Bat Mitzvah at 10, like a young Cameron Crowe on the sticks from Almost Famous.

Hardcore Hunga Rocks tracks down his favorite shredder of all time in hopes of joining forces to make the greatest pop rock metal record Boston never made in the home recording studio Vinnie’s father had built for him before he was born to become the shredding beast of the six string that he could never be since pops fell in love with Led Zepplin and Jimmy Page’s masterful slide guitar work on In My Time of Dying.

Hardcore Hunga Rocks knocks on Vinnie’s door with such force, he knocks the entire door off its hinges in the process. Vinnie, a silky, long haired black stallion emerges from his Electric Playland Studio with a cigarette in hand and says, “Who invited you the fuck in?” Hardcore Hunga Rocks springs up from the marble floor and says, “How the fuck can you afford all marble floors? Your record advance from could’ve been that big? Besides, didn’t you have to give that record advance back after you quit the band to take care of your dad?” Vinnie takes a quizzical puff from his Camel Extra wide and says, “Your Hardcore Hunga Rocks. I’ve seen your drum solos on YouTube. I’ve never heard anyone smash the drums with harder edge than you kid. You should call your band Aftershock for Christ’s sake. Hardcore Hunga Rock says, “I’m not in a band, but I would want to form a supergroup with you. If Jack White and his fake news sister can do it, we can to. Make out with your guitar all you want. In fact, I was thinking we can make a video spoof of the November Rain video and have you walk down the aisle with your cherished Fender Stratocaster while doing a remake of the serially underrated cult classic, Till Death To Us Part by White Lion. ” Vinnie says, “Shit that’s my favorite song after A Man I’ll Never Be.” So, you want to join forces to become a super White Lion cover group?” Hardcore Hunga Rocks says, “When the Shredder Frets has a beautiful tonal ring to it already. Weird Al, I fucked him, I can’t take no more. My Dad was a huge Dice fan to.” Vinnie laughs for the 1st time in years as an incredible warm crash of sea calm washes over him and says, “Fuck Boston and Pete Davidson, let’s make Staten Island stand for something stand out special more than Russian gangsters sipping on espresso drinks in 25th Hour. I sold plenty of blow in the eighties, which paid for my marble laden home despite never touching the stuff. Hunter Biden was the gift that kept on giving my freshman year at Georgetown University.

The End

Michael Kornbluth

Hard To Handle Hannukah

How do you trigger a gym teacher today?

Dress your son up in a Kyrie Irving shirt from the NBA store for Hanukkah.

Maybe now, Coach will remember my kid’s name.

Coach yells.

Get that Kyrie Irving shirt off.

Son says.

Do you need mental health counseling like Ben Simmons?

I think Stephen A lost his mind to.

He thinks Kevin Durant is living out a Greek tragedy.

Teaming up with Chipmunk Chucker in Golden State was so oppressive.

Kyrie Irving betrayed Kevin Durant.

If Fredo and Mike Pence had a baby.

At least Karen’s don’t know who Kyrie Irving is because they never watched ESPN in the 1st place.

Coach cracks.

You’re banned from the NBA.

Son says.

But I’m not Kyrie Irving.

I’m Arthur Kornbluth, remember?

So, you’re just another wise ass Jew like the rest.

But coach. If you fire 5000 rockets into Israel’s backyard.

Don’t expect an edible arrangement gift basket in return.

With a thank you note written in Farsi.

With all the hardened pineapple tops chucked into the Red Sea on your behalf.

Hard To Handle Hanukkah Day, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Gorgeousness Galore

Why have Jews written so many Christmas songs over Hannukah ones?

Because Adam Sandler wasn’t born yet.

Writing Heroin Hanukkah was a vein of humor not in Lou Reed after all.

Carole King was too busy playing wiggle toes with her cats.

Billy Joel didn’t marry Christie Brinkley because of her grandma’s brisket.

Because Adam Levine’s tatted up corpse can’t be buried in a Jewish cemetery.

Lenny Kravitz was too lit to care.

Ira Gershwin stuck to WASP placation.

Randy Newman was stuck in detached irony land.

Barry Manilow’s nose don’t play that.

Leonard Cohen wouldn’t be caught dead in a skull cap if his Unisex hat collection depended on it.

Beck was lost in thought at Griffth Park on extra strength opium.

Dylan converted to Jews for Super Jew Jesus.

Leonard Bernstein considered Gustav Mahler overblown gorgeousness.

Art Garfunkel would’ve been sued by the Christan Right for sounding too angelic rich for their tastes.

Paul Simon would’ve triggered Woody Allen if Lorne Michaels helped pen a funnier Happy Hannukah song than the golden Jew Adam Sandler.

Michael Kornbluth

Gorgeousness Galore

Why have Jews written so many Christmas songs over Hannukah ones?

Because Adam Sandler wasn’t born yet.

Writing Heroin Hanukkah was a vein of humor not in Lou Reed after all.

Carole King was too busy playing wiggle toes with her cats.

Billy Joel didn’t marry Christie Brinkley because of her grandma’s brisket.

Because Adam Levine’s tatted up corpse can’t be buried in a Jewish cemetery.

Lenny Kravitz was too lit to care.

Ira Gershwin stuck to WASP placation.

Randy Newman was stuck in detached irony land.

Barry Manilow’s nose don’t play that.

Leonard Cohen wouldn’t be caught dead in a skull cap if his Unisex hat collection depended on it.

Beck was lost in thought at Griffth Park on extra strength opium.

Dylan converted to Jews for Super Jew Jesus.

Leonard Bernstein considered Gustav Mahler overblown gorgeousness.

Art Garfunkel would’ve been sued by the Christan Right for sounding too angelic rich for their tastes.

Paul Simon would’ve triggered Woody Allen if Lorne Michaels helped pen a funnier Happy Hannukah song than the golden Jew Adam Sandler.

Michael Kornbluth

Hard To Handle Hanukkah

How do you trigger a gym teacher today?

Dress your son up in a Kyrie Irving shirt from the NBA store for Hanukkah.

Maybe now, Coach will remember my kid’s name.

Coach yells.

Get that Kyrie Irving shirt off.

Son says.

Do you need mental health counseling like Ben Simmons?

I think Stephen A lost his mind to.

He thinks Kevin Durant is living out a Greek tragedy.

Teaming up with Chipmunk Chucker in Golden State was so oppressive.

Kyrie Irving betrayed Kevin Durant.

If Fredo and Mike Pence had a baby.

At least Karen’s don’t know who Kyrie Irving is because they never watched ESPN in the 1st place.

Coach cracks.

You’re banned from the NBA.

Son says.

But I’m not Kyrie Irving.

I’m Arthur Kornbluth, remember?

So, you’re just another wise ass Jew like the rest.

Michael Kornbluth