This is an impression of my 11-year-old daughter playing marriage counselor again.
“Pause daddy, mama got your point mid-breath.”
Deplorable is anyone who’s glad Jussie Smollett took a shot.
Has BLM taken the Rocky statue down yet, because it promotes white supremacy?
1 kid only, means your diaphragm is for walls after all.
Trans is gay about lunging at Othello in tights.
How did Andrew, I won’t jump off my own bridge Cuomo become a sex symbol?
He looks like Mama Fratelli from the Goonies and The Thing had a baby.
DeBlasio’s wife used to be a full time Brooklyn Lesbian in Park Slope before they met.
Yet were supposed to believe Garlic Breath converted her?
Putz breath, Bird Brain eats pizza with a fork and knife.
Yet burying his beak into her Bean Pie without a mask on with such sloppy abandon is a plausible theory to digest.
I order a triple espresso because members of my Gen X, generation, like our comedy like our coffee. Dark and bitter, 2 recessions later, after 9/11, only for our precious media to suck off W non-stop since he started painting pictures of maimed vet’s he gave PTSD to and started palling around with Ellen at Cowboy games, which proves how the queen of daytime comedy is pro bush all the way.
Today, we the people means less than In Dr. Gnocchi we trust.
Supreme Court Justice Amy Barret is Mia Farrow with better husband selection.
Nirvana didn’t kill Hair Metal. Aids did, before Magic made HIV disappear.
Barista asks, “Is a triple espresso enough?”
I say, “Yes, anything less, would circumcise my happiness.”
Like seeing Bjork over the Shrieking Seals.
But yeah, one Triple Espresso is enough.
So, I can feel like a Marc Maron without the career, 92 comedy records later. Killer with A Cause being my latest and greatest, that’s fresh off the press, aren’t you blessed. Killer With A cause is going for broke. Because I’m so broke my Hebrew name is under judicial review.
Next album is Mega Dumb Daddy.
Daughter says, “Daddy, how many zeros are in a trillion?
I say, “Ask Alexa.”
Daughter replies, “Is that why you call yourself a degenerate Jew?
Because you still count with your fingers during Blackjack under the table for simple arithmetic?”
Mega Dumb Daddy always blanks on being the Tooth Fairy’s wing man.
Daughter says, “Daddy, no money from the Tooth Fairy again. Is the Tooth Fairy even real?
I say, “The Rock slept in a for change alright.”
Mega Dumb Daddy marries a wife with no chest thinking she’s bound to fill out on top eventually like her mother did.
Wife says, “Matilda is the last girl in her 5th grade class to get breast buds.”
Mega Dumb Daddy says, “Then why haven’t your buds sprouted yet.”
Mega Dumb Daddy insists on taking weed edibles 2 hours before his daughter goes to sleep already.
Daughter makes him feel dumber than ever and asks, “So Mega Dumb Daddy, if God created the Universe, then who created God?”
I say, “God went back in time in a Time Machine, made by Elon Musk.” Daughter says, “That’s really convincing Daddy. Thanks for making me an Atheist at 4.”
Mega Dumb Daddy always over sexualizes everything. Daughter asks, “Daddy, what do you do after tucking me at night?” Mega Dumb Daddy says, “I squeeze in some me to time, alright.”
Mega Dumb Daddy shames himself into giving up drinking beer because it’s humiliating spending so much time hunger over, recycling, endless reminders of your lushy littered past, as entire Rocky marathons on AMC pass you by.
Amazingly enough, I haven’t suffered from complete parental burnout yet.
Daughter asks, “Daddy, what’s parental burnout?”
I say, “Mommy pushing Melatonin gummies on you at a hard 7 every night or her friend having to micro dose to make playing Operation Gender Reassignment Edition with her kid and friends who bought Michelle Obama’s book Reach Higher great again.
Yesterday, I saw Michelle Obama’s book Reach Higher in the dumpster bin and thought, “Bill Maher just got a stiffy.”
Lebron got the idea to sport cast during the NBA finals from Michelle Obama. After Michael threatened to jam her arm up Barrack’s ass if he ever offered Beyonce a glass of Paul Newman’s Lemonade over her homemade Kombucha again.
When Lebron loses in the NBA playoffs this year, do you think Obama will reach for his secret stash of Almond Joy’s hid behind a giant box of Duct Tape from Costco.
Imagine Thanksgiving at the Obama’s this year.
Obama says, “Malia, you barely touched your Tofurky?”
Malia says, “Why did you push me to intern for Miramax?
Obama says, “At the time, it looked on your resume. Plus, your mom added extra protection muscle on the set of Girls. And that fat Jew couldn’t pin down your mother if he tried.”
Michelle claims that anyone who flees the south side of Chicago is racist.
The south side of Chicago is only the lead maker of blood controlling kids in the county just like Hillary is the number selling voodoo doll in Haiti year after year, yet Michelle acts like the South Side of Chicago is only one crepe food truck away from Gentrification. You know liberal talk for bless black people and mouthy Cardi B’s who are louder than Busta Rhymes at a Midnight showing of Higher Learning.
If fleeing the south side of Chicago is racist, then Obama gave 1.5 billion to Iran in unmarked bills for overseas manufacturing jobs for Build a Bear, to make the Iranian economy less reliant on the sale of hair removal cream for the Kardashians.
Did you know Lena Dunham was Hillary’s Social Media Manager for her campaign?
Only Lena Dunham could make Hillary Hammer Time Cankles, less likeable and relatable in one blubbery swoop.
Hillary still claims she lost because of Russian collusion.
Wrong, Huma Licker Breath, you lost because you’re an unhuggable cunt.
Hillary forgot to delete that memo to.
Trump has ties to Russia, duh. What Mail Order Bride owner, doesn’t?
This is Trump handing out candy outside the White House with Melania.
You want to know what Melania tastes like? Try some Rock Candy kid.
The spirit of Halloween isn’t hanging up ISIS flags to scare away trick or treaters.
But weird, weak, woke Howard still insists Biden was the most popular US presential candidate of all time.
Because Perm Head doesn’t want to miss out on any more 2 bite chicken parm dinners at Jimmy Kimmel’s house.
Jimmy Fallon’s writer’s hate, because when he tussled Trumpy Poo’s hair on the Tonight Show, a real-life skinhead never emerged.
Personally, I miss Trump’s relentless enthusiasm and over-the-top salesmanship.
If Trump got HIV after Melania cheated on him with Magic on the rebound after the Stormy Daniels fiasco.
Trump would tweet on whatever hate speech platform he’s allowed to rumble on next, “Do I have HIV, yes? But my t-cell count numbers have never been stronger.”
Our state of the union like Colbert’s handle on funny these days, shaky.
Too bad Bill O’Reilly is no longer deemed threatening enough to impersonate for a living.
At least Bill O’Reilly gave Colbert gravitas.
Son says, “Daddy, why haven’t gone on the Pelton today?”
I say, “I got food poisoning from the Halal guys, thinking it was Kosher chicken, not realizing Muslim butchers give shout outs to Allah in Muhammed’s gangster paradise before killing Shariff the Chicken instead. Andy Dick gave me full blown Aids through Zoom.” Son replies, “Enough with the excuse’s daddy. You’re worse than Hillary.”
And if Biden AKA, Mr. Groper. AKA, The Icky Shuffle, got more votes than even Obama Be Good ever did, despite his campaign rallies barely filling out the Little Mermaid’s clam shell bras. Then, Michelle Obama regrets pissing on the ceiling fan in the Lincoln Bedroom moments before Trump’s inauguration. Hours later Trump gets peed on for real and comments to Melania, “Is that what Michelle meant, when she-hulk said when the go low, we aim high.”
And this is Jefferey Tambour yelling at his Trans-Costar for pissing on the toilet seat. Real lady like. Now get out of my trailer, you butchy bitch, Hey now. Larry Sanders lives, Challah. Thank you very much.