Broken Record Hits

This is an impression of my 11-year-old daughter playing marriage counselor again.

“Pause daddy, mama got your point mid-breath.”

Deplorable is anyone who’s glad Jussie Smollett took a shot.

Has BLM taken the Rocky statue down yet, because it promotes white supremacy?

1 kid only, means your diaphragm is for walls after all.

Trans is gay about lunging at Othello in tights.

How did Andrew, I won’t jump off my own bridge Cuomo become a sex symbol?

He looks like Mama Fratelli from the Goonies and The Thing had a baby.

DeBlasio’s wife used to be a full time Brooklyn Lesbian in Park Slope before they met.

Yet were supposed to believe Garlic Breath converted her?

Putz breath, Bird Brain eats pizza with a fork and knife.

Yet burying his beak into her Bean Pie without a mask on with such sloppy abandon is a plausible theory to digest.

I order a triple espresso because members of my Gen X, generation, like our comedy like our coffee. Dark and bitter, 2 recessions later, after 9/11, only for our precious media to suck off W non-stop since he started painting pictures of maimed vet’s he gave PTSD to and started palling around with Ellen at Cowboy games, which proves how the queen of daytime comedy is pro bush all the way.  

Today, we the people means less than In Dr. Gnocchi we trust.

Supreme Court Justice Amy Barret is Mia Farrow with better husband selection.

Nirvana didn’t kill Hair Metal.  Aids did, before Magic made HIV disappear.

Barista asks, “Is a triple espresso enough?”

I say, “Yes, anything less, would circumcise my happiness.”

Like seeing Bjork over the Shrieking Seals.

But yeah, one Triple Espresso is enough.

So, I can feel like a Marc Maron without the career, 92 comedy records later. Killer with A Cause being my latest and greatest, that’s fresh off the press, aren’t you blessed. Killer With A cause is going for broke. Because I’m so broke my Hebrew name is under judicial review.

Next album is Mega Dumb Daddy.

Daughter says, “Daddy, how many zeros are in a trillion?

I say, “Ask Alexa.”

Daughter replies, “Is that why you call yourself a degenerate Jew?

Because you still count with your fingers during Blackjack under the table for simple arithmetic?”

Mega Dumb Daddy always blanks on being the Tooth Fairy’s wing man.

Daughter says, “Daddy, no money from the Tooth Fairy again. Is the Tooth Fairy even real?

I say, “The Rock slept in a for change alright.”

Mega Dumb Daddy marries a wife with no chest thinking she’s bound to fill out on top eventually like her mother did.

Wife says, “Matilda is the last girl in her 5th grade class to get breast buds.”

Mega Dumb Daddy says, “Then why haven’t your buds sprouted yet.”

Mega Dumb Daddy insists on taking weed edibles 2 hours before his daughter goes to sleep already.

Daughter makes him feel dumber than ever and asks, “So Mega Dumb Daddy, if God created the Universe, then who created God?”

I say, “God went back in time in a Time Machine, made by Elon Musk.” Daughter says, “That’s really convincing Daddy. Thanks for making me an Atheist at 4.”

Mega Dumb Daddy always over sexualizes everything. Daughter asks, “Daddy, what do you do after tucking me at night?” Mega Dumb Daddy says, “I squeeze in some me to time, alright.”

Mega Dumb Daddy shames himself into giving up drinking beer because it’s humiliating spending so much time hunger over, recycling, endless reminders of your lushy littered past, as entire Rocky marathons on AMC pass you by.

Amazingly enough, I haven’t suffered from complete parental burnout yet.

Daughter asks, “Daddy, what’s parental burnout?”

I say, “Mommy pushing Melatonin gummies on you at a hard 7 every night or her friend having to micro dose to make playing Operation Gender Reassignment Edition with her kid and friends who bought Michelle Obama’s book Reach Higher great again.  

Yesterday, I saw Michelle Obama’s book Reach Higher in the dumpster bin and thought, “Bill Maher just got a stiffy.”

Lebron got the idea to sport cast during the NBA finals from Michelle Obama. After Michael threatened to jam her arm up Barrack’s ass if he ever offered Beyonce a glass of Paul Newman’s Lemonade over her homemade Kombucha again.

When Lebron loses in the NBA playoffs this year, do you think Obama will reach for his secret stash of Almond Joy’s hid behind a giant box of Duct Tape from Costco.

Imagine Thanksgiving at the Obama’s this year.

Obama says, “Malia, you barely touched your Tofurky?”

Malia says, “Why did you push me to intern for Miramax?

Obama says, “At the time, it looked on your resume. Plus, your mom added extra protection muscle on the set of Girls. And that fat Jew couldn’t pin down your mother if he tried.”

Michelle claims that anyone who flees the south side of Chicago is racist.

The south side of Chicago is only the lead maker of blood controlling kids in the county just like Hillary is the number selling voodoo doll in Haiti year after year, yet Michelle acts like the South Side of Chicago is only one crepe food truck away from Gentrification. You know liberal talk for bless black people and mouthy Cardi B’s who are louder than Busta Rhymes at a Midnight showing of Higher Learning.

If fleeing the south side of Chicago is racist, then Obama gave 1.5 billion to Iran in unmarked bills for overseas manufacturing jobs for Build a Bear, to make the Iranian economy less reliant on the sale of hair removal cream for the Kardashians.

Did you know Lena Dunham was Hillary’s Social Media Manager for her campaign?

Only Lena Dunham could make Hillary Hammer Time Cankles, less likeable and relatable in one blubbery swoop.

Hillary still claims she lost because of Russian collusion.

Wrong, Huma Licker Breath, you lost because you’re an unhuggable cunt.

Hillary forgot to delete that memo to.

Trump has ties to Russia, duh. What Mail Order Bride owner, doesn’t?

This is Trump handing out candy outside the White House with Melania.

You want to know what Melania tastes like? Try some Rock Candy kid.

The spirit of Halloween isn’t hanging up ISIS flags to scare away trick or treaters.

But weird, weak, woke Howard still insists Biden was the most popular US presential candidate of all time.

Because Perm Head doesn’t want to miss out on any more 2 bite chicken parm dinners at Jimmy Kimmel’s house.

Jimmy Fallon’s writer’s hate, because when he tussled Trumpy Poo’s hair on the Tonight Show, a real-life skinhead never emerged.

Personally, I miss Trump’s relentless enthusiasm and over-the-top salesmanship.

If Trump got HIV after Melania cheated on him with Magic on the rebound after the Stormy Daniels fiasco.

Trump would tweet on whatever hate speech platform he’s allowed to rumble on next, “Do I have HIV, yes? But my t-cell count numbers have never been stronger.”

Our state of the union like Colbert’s handle on funny these days, shaky.

Too bad Bill O’Reilly is no longer deemed threatening enough to impersonate for a living.

At least Bill O’Reilly gave Colbert gravitas.

Son says, “Daddy, why haven’t gone on the Pelton today?”

I say, “I got food poisoning from the Halal guys, thinking it was Kosher chicken, not realizing Muslim butchers give shout outs to Allah in Muhammed’s gangster paradise before killing Shariff the Chicken instead. Andy Dick gave me full blown Aids through Zoom.” Son replies, “Enough with the excuse’s daddy. You’re worse than Hillary.”  

And if Biden AKA, Mr. Groper. AKA, The Icky Shuffle, got more votes than even Obama Be Good ever did, despite his campaign rallies barely filling out the Little Mermaid’s clam shell bras. Then, Michelle Obama regrets pissing on the ceiling fan in the Lincoln Bedroom moments before Trump’s inauguration. Hours later Trump gets peed on for real and comments to Melania, “Is that what Michelle meant, when she-hulk said when the go low, we aim high.”  

And this is Jefferey Tambour yelling at his Trans-Costar for pissing on the toilet seat. Real lady like. Now get out of my trailer, you butchy bitch, Hey now. Larry Sanders lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Almost 50 Guitar Store Licks

Let me guess, you got up this morning and got yourself a personality, not. Anthrax lives, Challah, thank you very much.

Named my kid Arthur Morrison Kornbluth, which is a miracle because I created an actual flow to Kornbluth. Before he was born, I say to my wife, “Babe, were going to nickname him The Art Show.” Big sis tenses, already sensing his latent mojo rising and says, “No it’s my show.” I say, “I’m sensing blood in the streets of Scarsdale Village.” Peace Frog Morrison lives, Challah, thank you very much.

Actually, wanted to give the middle name Brooks to my son in honor of Albert Brooks, but I changed my mind because I didn’t want to give my son the permission to be a Jewish pussy.

Mom says, “I’m not in favor of my grandson taking Kung Fu.” I say, “Mom stop being. intentionally political annoying. We call can’t be seasoned sharp shooters like Kyle Rittenhouse who refuse to let mob rule while being attacked by pedophile members of ANTIFA like their weekly insurrection stipend from George Soros and Klaus Schwab are riding it on for failing to their monthly destructor quota. Also, mom what do you even mean when you claim to be against your grandson learning Kung Fu? He’s the handsomest kid in class, so he’s going to piss off jealous boyfriends like a bunch of mini–Jack Lamotta’s in the making from Raging Bull. Granted, Superman today is more into banging Faries into the futon couch while coming up from behind faster than a speeding bullet, but you get the gist. Also, mom Kung Fu was adopted by Chinese Farmers as a form of self-defense against Chinese war lords with no other intent but raping and pillaging their rapidly fleeting sense of security and welfare the way any good member of the Democrat party post has done pos COVID under the guise of the common good throughout our current land of decrepit, Democrat run deterioration. Last, what alternative would you prefer your grandson learning as an effective form of self-defense earlier than later ma? Becoming a rageful wannabe comedian at 45 with 3 kids to feed and marriage to uphold together who wrecks Everlast bag chains at home from decade’s worth of pent-up range for ever allowing himself to be pushover putzy in the 1st place, not that dad nudged to me change course ever prior. Of course, the moment I do find a means to fight back against hurls of disrespect and invective from old friends and family members regarding my chosen path to deliver hardcore hilarity for a living through the art of punching back through comedic righting song, you insist I throw in the towel because you invested all your hopes and dreams in your preferred son of choice, despite him possessing no discernable talent outside guilting you into breaking out in canker sores again because he’s pining for the days when he could afford more blow to impress his friends while only hearing only last call from the bathroom stall, got it.”

It’s hard to maintain your composure at the Guitar Store when the employee there treats your presence among your 3 kids with nothing but sneering disdain for purchasing First 50 Pop Hits Should You Play on the Piano. Meanwhile, I bet this snob rock putz was the 1st in line to see the Foo Fighters who insisted on playing to vaccinated only audience at MSG throughout his ever-long, far from dreamy, perpetually downer weepy, air-grounded, edgeless life.

Is that it? Oh, 50 Pop hits doesn’t do it for you Jack Black Light? Like you’d ever get your wife pregnant by mistake again, just so you could name your kid Zappa Zevon Kornbluth, excitable boy, you’re not. Actually, on second thought, Zappa Zevon Kornbluth is beginning to sound to overtly imposed pretentious on par with Bowie Hudson Kornbluth, so I’m thinking about going with Live At Leeds Kornbluth instead, Who lives, middle aged waste land, Challah. Thank you very much.

Is that it? Yeah, Lou Reed tried to charge Billy Idol for the privilege of recording with him, so you can go woke yourself to, Sweet Jane.

Is that it? It’s not my fault you’ve failed to achieve commercial success in life yet asshole. Prove that your anti-establishment enough to get kicked of Twitter for being a Wuhan Lab Leaker truther comedian and I’ll give a shit about whatever purported slaying soul you possess as the second coming of Buckethead, bore breath Brett. But I’m positive you possess a more beautiful play soul than twinkle toes Rhodes.

Is that it? What, All of Me by John Legend doesn’t do it for you? His wife’s scrunchie face doesn’t do it for me either, but at least he graduated UPenn before Ivanka did.

How to Save A Life by Adele isn’t on my playlist either. Nor was I ever into that song before she discovered the Keto Diet after Jenna Jamison did, I’m assuming. What was that original hit of her’s, “You Could’ve Had It All? You mean all your 300 pounds of you Mary Ploppins, even after the Keto Diet materialized in your favor, what a country.

I Knew You Were Trouble By Taylor Swift never gave you sustained stiffage either? But her lollipop lick them up legs have nothing to hide like Coroner reports on triple vaxed, famous performers.

Million Reasons by Lada Gaga has to give you a minor chubby bud. Gaga rocked when she sang Moth Into Flame with Metalica during the Grammy’s or did your pussy shrivel up and die after they came out with the Black Album to?

Roar by Katy Perry has to get you a tad titillated just based on the video of her nipple launcher bra alone. I get it, I’m with my 3 kids right now, all alone, and you’re thinking. Somebody’s got their hands full. If I get my own TV show one day called Better Than Boobie, the 1st ever father son cooking show, where we review homemade dishes that were either double fisters or yuck yuckers. And my wife finally agrees to an open marriage with Katy Perry, then my hands will be full.”

The Scientist by Cold Play isn’t about Fuck Face Fauci, so does that trigger you sense of moral superiority for still standing by Neil Young for protesting against Spotify for allowing a podcast interview with Dr. Malone, only the inventor the MRNA gene therapy used in the COVID vaccine who claims it work less than Frank Zappa did on doing less smug filled crowd work for a change like a wannabe Lenny Bruce minus the punchlines because he feared being branded as a Republican knowing his drug spurning stance outside of getting off his vanity vagina for recording every fart whisperer freak feast he ever recorded in Joe’s Garage, Challah. Mothers Of More Annoying Innovations lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

At the very least, you must like Rihanna’s song Stay right? Despite Dave Chapelle’s claims about her big ass forehead begging to be caught in the middle of another furious one 2 combo roundhouse by Chris Brown for overextending her stay in the car after insisting they listen to her chart-topping hits on 97.1 instead.

Still, I’m not getting the sense you jerk off to the most beautiful woman in the world, Beyonce, according to People Magazine, despite her uglier side emerging when she refused to stand for the National Anthem during the Superbowl because Demi Lovato reminded her too much of the white privileged version of Albama Shakes, Jeff Ross with bigger Jew balls, lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Righteous Maniac Lives

New favorite nickname for Mr. Groper in the White House, Icky Shuffle, Challah, thank you very much.

New favorite nickname for Michelle Obama, Michelle, What’s Talent Got To Do With It Obama.

Who cares who gets elected to the Supreme Court anymore? Election integrity in our country is deader than claims of Voter ID being racist among anybody with a functioning moral compas capable of introspective correction left. But Voter ID used in white supremacist ruled countries like El Salvador is racist. Does Pedro Martinez Junior have to pass a height requirement to vote in either country to vote? I don’t get it.

I get a DM on LinkedIn from a cute Asian girl in a business suit who implores me to expose myself to some crypto currency. The gal who claimed to come from Hong Kong calls herself Montez Downey on LinkedIn, her alter crypto ego I’m assuming. I reply, “Your real name is Montez Downey from Hong Kong. Yeah, and Montel Willam’s comes from the Virgin Mary’s penis.”

Without or without you, is about who again Bono? A cute Irish Lasie who swallows but grazes time after time. 

A true friend buys your book before asking, “How many copies have you sold so far?” “What’s your next step?” “I only do audio because I’m super busy making money and living a fun filled life over you.”  

I’d almost prefer, “Just because you mailed me a free copy, doesn’t mean I’m going to use my brain on your behalf and give your stupid fucking book a review, praise it at all or give it constructive feedback of any kind jerkoff.

Kayne West trolling Taylor Swift on Twitter for old timer sake.

I know we’ve had our differences pretzel sticks.

But you’re still hot enough to get Pete Davidson to stray from Kim’s Milky Way snatch.

Dress up like a Christmas Tree fairy on his birthday, looking like an overdose at the Limelight waiting to happen.

And urge Pete to fuck your brains out in the VIP room at the 40/40 club.

So, you won’t fuck Beyonce out of any more VMA awards, you dig.

Taylor Swift saying, “She sings country music.”

Is like Kayne West saying, “He never raps in the 3rd person.”

I’m purchasing a book by Jeff Tweedy called How To Write One Song and the cashier says, 25 bucks.

I said, “25 bucks for How To Write One Song.” Jeff Tweedy is really testing the limitations of my father daughter love.”

My daughter better write an album that outsells Stevie Nick’s Bella Donna before Taylor Swift got her 1st period on her Christmas Farm village, which inspired Lollipop Legs to pen her first cross over Church hit, “Planned Parenthood Bound Train.”

I add, “Fucking Jeff Tweedy, I didn’t even know he was the singer songwriter of Wilco until now. All I know about Wilco is Jim Rome making fun of Tiger Woods for attending a Wilco concert once, which made Tiger feel whiter than White Man’s disease on Saint Patrick’s Day,while attending a Chicago cover band tribute act in Minnesota because he lost a bet to Donald Trump, after Donald bet Lindsey Vonn would choke during the winter Olympics, if Tiger told Maximum she was “overrated”, in the sack, especially compared to Rachel Uchitel, known for her infamous, blow job ready lips, who can suck a golf ball through Taylor Swift’s Fallopian Tubes.

Is giving Paul McCartney’s book of lyrics a one star review on Amazon considered hate speech, anymore than allowing the sale of Mein Kampf on Kindle, which is 720 pages of hate speech in a row?

How would Michael Jackson defend himself against his Never Land accusers today? All the Beatles Royalty Points in the world, can’t buy me love?

At my son’s parent teacher conference, she proudly admitted how my son did a bio on Leef Erickson, which was displayed on the wall outside his 2nd grade classroom, so I was able to compare his bio report to other famous people chosen by his classmates. And I said, “I’m happy to know my son didn’t do his bio on Russell Westbrook.” Teacher laughs long time. I add, “At this point Russel Westbrook should be the next spokesperson for Tampax Tampons. Name another player in the NBA besides Carmelo Anthony that’s been responsible for stopping so much flowage.” Righteous Maniac lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Sacred Cow Cooking

Wife had a Hillary Clinton spotting during lunch recently with my son. Wife says, “Hillary was nice. She smiled at baby.” I said, “Of course Hillary smiled at baby. Hillary was getting warmed up for dessert.”

Emotionally Compelling Situation:

A Coroner who gives an honest toxicology report about fake news media manipulation for a change. Let’s call the book, “The Coroner Conspiracy Theorist.” Soon after, the Funeral Director calls in Zombie backup once the Deep State sends in hit men silencers to prevent the COVID clot shot expose otherwise.

Emotionally Compelling Situation part II.

A Supreme Court Justice nominee receives a thank you note from a convicted sex offender for being soft on pedophilia. “Thanks for the Pete Townsend, just doing opposition research defense for a song about the proliferation of kiddie porn today called, “Cherry Picking Private Parts, It’s So Easy, Easy, When Everyone Under 10 Years of Age Is Out to Please Me Baby.”

Emotionally Compelling Situation part III.

A big brother asks for his wedding gift back after his ex-wife already pawned off her engagement ring. Big bro calls, “Hey bro, with my 46th birthday around the corner, I was thinking you could regift my Nintendo wedding gift, especially those added games like Pro Wrestling and Double Dribble knowing how your marriage lasted longer than Knick playoff runs during the Carmelo Anthony era. Who should be the co-spokesperson with Westbrook for Tampax Tampons because name another offensive duo responsible for stopping so much flowage. Little bro asks, “Why would I do that?” I say, “Because it would be a gift for all 3 kids and when you add up their ages 8, 11 and 5 and your 23 gifts behind. And you’ll be off the hook for 23 more years, when they won’t expect you to be another uncle to be uninvolved with anymore.”

Emotionally Compelling Situation Part IIII:

How does an autistic pastry chef/activist/models bring an autistic perspective to the BLM movement? Does he count all the ways BLM leaders burned their credibility through charges of tax evasion while blowtorching tops on rows of Creme Brulees?

Just read about an all-girl Muslim prom in Detroit. So, their prom was like mine, pork free.

Minneapolis Mosques are allowed to blast the call to prayer on outdoor speakers all year around now. I didn’t realize they were struggling to amplify their cries of Islamophobia despite averaging 5 shoutouts a day of Allah Akbar already.

Fuck your Pandemic talk. The real pandemic is the vax shot which depresses your immune system more than entry into the Dallas Buyers Club.

1 kid only means your diaphragm is for walls after all.

Why does Planned Parenthood need a 20 million donation from Jeff Bezos’s ex -wife? Planned Parenthood only made 184 million in revenue after teaming up with Gate’s ex-wife to fight off the surge in global warming by selling their own brand of umbilical chard stump smoothies, while rebranding them as Century Club Elixers in honor of Bill and Fauci. In other words, year of the Four Eyed Snakes, Challah. Cooking Sacred Cows rule. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth