Resist This

Unknown touching fact about President Trump. When his friend Bob Kraft’s wife of 35 years died. He called him once every day for an entire year to see how he was doing. My wife refuses to get me off long time by even bookmarking my blog.
When Lebron didn’t make the Playoffs this year. Did his boy Obama shake off the talking shit about Trump curse sting, by tearing into his secret stash of Almond Joy’s in his man cave hidden inside a box of duct tape from Costco?
Whenever my baby acts fussy around mama, she claims he’s getting bored of her already. I always knew he was a quick learner unlike his learning-disabled daddy. By the time I was done with the SAT, my friends had declared their majors Sophomore year in college.
Did you know Muslims don’t believe in paying interest? Not even for a small business loan for a Sleepy’s Under the Stars, or else the Palestinians lose their UN sanction victimized status.
In England, they’re considering banning the teaching of the Holocaust because it offends the Muslim population who claimed it never happened. Ok, so Amir won’t be on the short list for internships at Amblin entertainment with any plan to be groomed as Stephen Spielberg’s next JJ Abrams in the making, despite the Quran being in dire need of a futuristic refresh.
An Illegal Alien got convicted of raping a dog to death, only to be released without notifying ICE agents in Sanctuary State, Oregon. Beavers are biters. I’d wouldn’t push your luck homes.

Courtney Love did acid at 4, was shipped off to Boarding School at 9 and blew Ted Nugent at 14. Thank God, I can’t afford boarding school for my daughter at 8. Don’t get me wrong, I think Courtney could’ve done worse than blowing Ted Nugent at 14. It’s not like she was going down on Woody Allen to get back at her adopted actress mother. Hole Live Through This is a rock masterpiece. She’s worth 150 million now. Courtney Love is Mia Farrow with better husband selection.

This is Roger Daltry yelling at fans for puffing weed at the last Who show at MSG.

We’re not Pink Floyd. Weed kills your ambition, remember, don’t get fooled again? That’s what Pete Townsend said when he clicked on the website Soap Suds Bottoms.com. We got it Pete. You we’re doing opposition research for a song about pedophile chat rooms, registered under moveonnothingtoseehereatpodesta.org, got it mate.
The End
By,
Michael Kornbluth

Like Mother Like Son

Me playing the role of trainer Mick for my son Art Show, AKA Feather Foot as Rocky 4 blasts in the garage as he does more sit ups on our ordained Rocky rug.

No pain Art Show, you’re pimping the American Flag bandanna big time. Let the music make your heart soar like a Bald Eagle not stressed about all his peeps being near extinct yet. 2 more, you’re going to be the prettiest bad boy soy boy in class. Every kid is going to want a piece of you, fronting to be real life tough guy, smart asses like Robert Dinero method actors in the making. Drop them on their ass for daring to fuck with you pretty boy face before they become high school loser drop-outs because they won’t want to show their mangled, mope maligned mugs after you’re done smacking their smirks on to the gym locker floor on top of their Iron Maiden Trapper Keepers. 2 more sit ups, make those dumb mooks run for the hills to their mommies for birthing such inferior, mush mouthed seed.

Me overruling my wife again.

Matilda can handle number sentences at school on a sprained ankle. It’s not like she’s ducking a fight using brass knuckles in a female remake of 3 Clock High because she’s so kettle bell dense strong, unlike the wobbles in the hyped female conjuring version of Super Bad. Because the world of comedy needs more, mild musings from the Female ID of Michael Cera. I’m sure the ska light, sexless sounding Sting promoting Rainforest meditative back beats from the latest and greatest Vampire Weekend in the film will sound more momentous and less existential strained than the Singles soundtrack no problem.

Michael Jordan torched the Jazz for 37 with the Flu in the NBA Finals with a 105-degree fever, making Karl Malone his bottom bleeding gimp. Begging to be infected with MJ’s killer attack, over the top Alpha Dog gene, versus his absence of an automatic clutch gear, no amount of fancy stick rigs or 100-pound curl raises can conceal.

Defending my Jewishness over this past Christmas.

Bloated, model of a blah brained, bearded wannabe hipster minus artistic talent blurts out “My sister is more Jewish than you are.” I reply. Have you even graduated college yet, 8 years later? You’re like Van Wilder minus the rich dad. Also, last time I checked you we’re too fat to pass the physical for the Police Academy. But I’m sure your heart was really into, Serpico. Also, I had a Bar Mitzvah and sang my Haftarah portion in Hebrew. Last time I checked, you air guitared your Ukrainian harp Bandura at Church because you’re a lazy, good for nothing blob of hobbit mole allergic to nuts and all forms of ball exertion. Who had to have your parents threaten to not pay 5 grand for your wedding if the ban of their 3 grand children who they never see was lifted. But Jesus loves the totality of you. But hey your religion allows your mom to be forgiven for being a colossal cunt and yell at my kids for jumping on the spare mattress in your old shit sty room at the foot of our old couch because it isn’t the designated, cramped play area. The room downstairs next to the kitchen, with your air guitar Bandura on the couch, as a mere decorative ornament like when you were last spotted in shame with it in Church back in the day is.

Your sister is more Jewish than me? Then, why hasn’t your dad ever used some of his SAP consultant money to pay for her nose job then? That’s right, he’s still sporting the same Tommy Bahamas from the eighties. When Trump was rebuilding Wollman Rink in Central Park for free and giving the profits to Aids men victim groups whereas your father was giggling to Monty Python sketches after work. Which did wonders for his imagination, knowing what a dead weight conversationalist you’ve become, like mother like son. Also, my kids love Futurama, but think your Bender tattoo is ridiculously stupid. A fake tattoo would’ve been a fun for a bit, right kids? If you got a fake Bender tattoo kids, worst case scenario then, you can’t be buried in a fake Jewish cemetery.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Comedy Gold Mobile

My wife works nights as a nurse, in labor and delivery, checking blue faced newborns for vitals signs. Which makes me feel like a self-obsessed narcissist because all I check for is for retweets and new likes on WordPress.
So, when I’m out in public with my 3 kids on a Saturday morning at the diner, I normally hear. You’ve got your hands full. I reply. If my wife agreed to an open marriage with Katy Perry. Assuming, my upcoming books sell huge. My hands would be full.

My so funny daughter making daddy laugh long time again. Daddy, what did you do with Grandma growing up? I don’t remember much kid. Daughter replies. Do you remember how awful her green beans were? I’ve created a comedy monster folks.

Shitting on my mother-in-law’s amorphous plans for Baba Camp.
Hey babe, what does Baba have planned for Baba camp for the kids? She’s only had the whole year to plan and feel God blessed about it.

Wife says. Fuck you. My mom mentioned something about taking the kids to the Delaware Aerospace Education Foundation.

I reply. But your parents have spent more money for doggy daycare than they have for any their grandchildren for the past 8 years So, don’t expect me to be floating on air to Dark Side of The Moon on the primo Maui Wowie at the prospect of them footing the bill for Space Camp anytime this millennium.

Also, Obama pulled the plug on NASA. And Space Force isn’t off the ground yet. So, I’m not expecting any major space shuttle reveals on display when they visit.

Last, we just took the kids to DC to the Air and Space Museum to gaze at Spaceship One. But a garden tour of Direct TV satellite dishes and of a UFO shaped house in the bowels of bumble fuck Delaware sounds like a blast.

I bet the ex-shuttle launch site is more deserted than Hunter Biden’s coke baggie after last call from the bathroom stall.

Me emoting about my 5-year-old-son making the monkey bars his bitch for a pleasant change of pace.

Great job Art Show, way to fill out that tang top. Don’t forget muscle has memory. My old catering boss in Orange County urged me to smile more as I worked the buffet line. Unlike you, I had no past happy muscle memory to flex from. Playing with GI Joe figures alone in my room throughout my entire 10th grade school year didn’t help. Neither did me getting a book titled the 12 Stages of Puberty from Mimi for Hanukkah one year. I said. Mom, getting this book in front of my younger brother of 3 years is so embarrassing. Jonathan already hit puberty and can play with himself whenever he wants. Mom replies. But you play with yourself all the time with your, GI-Joe figures.

Since I became a married man with 3 kids. In other words, a slut in a straight jacket. I flirt with older MILFS at the track by acting out cupping their scrumptios looking ta-tas as I run around the track to Highway to Hell to let them know how hot they look in their stretchy Lulu Lemon sports bras, begging to be manhandled in my mind at the very least.

My so funny daughter making daddy laugh again long time again.
I ask her. So, Matilda, do you think Uncle John really had a kid’s birthday party to attend, knowing he’s gotten you a grand total of 3 gifts in 8 years? Daughter replies. I think he’s telling the truth daddy. A kid’s birthday party is an elaborate excuse to blow off meeting us at the park to play ball. And Uncle John isn’t that smart.

Editor texts me. Got a huge migraine. Will have your 1st round edit by tomorrow. 2nd round of edits will take 3 days max. P.S Matilda, is so funny.

I share the text with my daughter. She replies. The Comedy Gold Mobile is all mine. I’m funnier than you are.

I reply. Relax, Female Flash. I was force feeding you lines when you can barely string to 2 words together. Do you remember the routine? Matilda do you have a nookie problem? Yes, I’m a little obsessed. I remember daddy. I also remember, money equals freedom. And Time is money and veggie bacon doesn’t pay for a Gold colored Porsche SUV. So can you get Falling For Fatherhood in publishable shape before Father’s Day already?

The End

By,
Michael Kornbluth

My Happy Jewish Afterlife

I believe the liberation of my people from death camps in Germany is proof God exists. And how the existence of Roger Waters proves there’s us and whinier, British malcontents who wish White Walkers could’ve finished the job on their behalf.

My Hebrew School failed in teaching us about the concept of an alluded to afterlife. Consisting of a place above with glow enshrouded souls, giddy with delight over not having to futz with going to the dry cleaners ever again. Feeling cleansed of all penetrable jealousies emanating from your Aussie brother in law for not being confused for Mel Brooks ever. Knowing he wasn’t chosen to be blessed with the funny Jew bone, nor made tough enough to endure goonish laugh producing periods of non-stop taunting despair, in the face of relentless imposed doubt from family members, friends, scuzzy sales bosses and joke sampled on strangers at large.

 

An Aussie brother in law whose only way to impress the opposite sex is by inserting his Aussie accent of old before moving to Delaware with his family, in the place of any semblance of personality to showcase at all. An Aussie brother in law who will never know what it feels like to unearth comedy gold, only after decades of digging for it within the deepest pits of your kvetching, rewriting righting soul.

Another way to ensure my funny man soul lives on is through reading the Old Testament this summer already. Getting closer to God will be a blast, further away from my aimless, MOJO rising not so much yet past. Ensuring my 3 kids, will possess a more intimate, heightened understanding behind the power of soul outside of blasting and puking their brains out in college to Jimi Hendrix’s blowing your mind with Power of Soul  on the Band of Gypsies, from killing floor, Fillmore East, New Years Eve show pasts.  I need to get familiar with my Torah like Abe Lincoln before me, if I plan to prove my worthiness to write Stay At Home Rabbi already. I’m thinking of pitching the book to Harper Collins and Rape Wood as Billy Madison meets Mr. Fantastic. Can I get a Hollah for some Challah? Because Adam Sandler isn’t the only true funny man, non-resistor Jew capable of bringing in big deal bread boyy!

The End,

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

Dusted Off Gems

God didn’t give me 3 kids to have a panic attack over it.

Me stalling for the Tooth Fairy
Why didn’t the Tooth Fairy arrive yet daddy? The Rock slept in for a change.

F weird, weak Howard.
Howard Stern says. “Living under the Trump presidency feels like an alternative reality.” Howard always strained to sound forced deep. His best words of wisdom in his debut book Private Parts, was don’t go to prison. Hillary passed on the book Private Parts, in favor of Eat, Drink, Wheeze.

What’s grandparent bad manners?
Baba blaming the broken AC in her car for not visiting her 2 grandchildren all summer, knowing her husband would be giddy at the prospect of her sweating off a couple of tons in the process.

What’s grandparent bad manners?
Baba adopting a rescue dog 3 grandchildren later, without consulting the feelings of her grandchildren becoming Pluto far center of her universe now.

What’s grandparent bad manners?
Grandma defending Grandpa’s decision to huff multiple cigarettes before making your newborn daughter smell like Don Draper’s corpse draped in Aramis.

Why do my kids love me back?
I show interest in their stories. Plus, I don’t space out every 2 seconds like super stoned Dory.

Why do my kids love me back?
Because when I say I love you. It doesn’t sound guilt forced hoarse like my mother on the phone with me, trying to prevent a permanent text divorce.

Me explaining DNA to my daughter.
What’s DNA daddy?
Remember Baba rooting for Germany in the World Cup? Yelling at the kitchen TV, murder them.
Daughter says. Yeah but I thought Baba’s mother was only put in Work Camps in the Ukraine where they didn’t gas you to death. I reply. Yeah, her DNA is more ungrateful, unhuggable cuntish she’d give herself credit for.

Dumping on English soccer again.
Wife says. Manchester City won the FA Cup. It’s like the Super Bowl for the English Premier League

I say. And your dad can whip out his cherished Irish whiskey again like when the Eagles won the Super Bowl despite the birth of his super loving 3 grandchildren never warranting such a celebratory action announcement on Facebook. Grandparent bad manners age worse than Hunter Biden on Chinese paid for coke.

Getting feisty with my wife because she described my all-star molded, creation Matilda as “innately perfect.” Yeah, I agree. It sucks to learn Matt is in family therapy with his daughter and ex-wife. If we got divorced, I think Matilda would be OK with it. Don’t you see the way she lights up when she asks about my ex-girlfriends? I’m just saying, we fight plenty and she wants me to be happier and more fulfilled even if she had to see me less. I think it’s a sacrifice our daughter would be willing to make. It’s a sign of true love. Then, I wake up with my re-circumcised schlong down my throat.

The End
By,
Michael Kornbluth

Fuck Weird, Weak Howard Stern

Howard Stern says. “Living under the Trump presidency feels like an alternative reality.” Howard always strained to sound forced deep. His best words of wisdom in his debut book Private Parts, was don’t go to prison. Hillary passed on the book Private Parts, in favor of Eat, Drink, Wheeze.

F weird weak Howard.
He thinks Hillary would’ve beaten Trump if she took the gamble and let him interview her. Because Huma Licker Breath came off so well on 2 Ferns. Lesbian Dial A Date would’ve loosened her up and made Hillary Hammertime Cankles come off as a less bloated, diabolical, power hungry bitch in no time.

F weak, weird Howard.
He came out to the Daily Beast as a diehard Hillary supporter. Because of her decades of public service. Name one accomplishment Howard? Besides, getting Jimmy Kimmel to turn your brain to mush
F weird, weak Howard.
Never would’ve bought his new book if I knew the reformed narcissist ever uttered the words “die hard Hillary supporter.” I thought Gary the Retard was mentally challenged. Your bullshit detector God, Lenny Bruce would be so proud.

F weak, weird Howard.

“Living under the Trump presidency feels like an alternative reality.”
Is that your PR man speaking through you Howard? So, Jimmy Kimmel still invites you for chicken parm dinners with Jennifer Aniston?

I love the bottled water she does commercials for, Smart Water. It adds extra bounce to my step. It makes me feel like Jennifer Aniston on the rebound.

F weak, weird Howard.
“He can’t stand his old narcissism.”
Going out of your way to kiss the Obama slobbering, gap toothed hick from Indiana on Late Night back in the day. I understand.
But without your old narcissism, you don’t throw legendary funerals for Imus and become the larger than life shock Jock who could afford to dump his wife backer of 20 plus years for your trans upgrade in Beth, all mighty satellite king. Also, why does your new wife Beth wear so much lipstick? Normally, so, so pretty woman wear makeup because they have less than flattering, ghoulish, manly features to hide.

F weird, weak Howard.

You paid the Rev Bob Levy a measly 100 dollars as a gag writer on your show. Still, you’ve got the gaul to bitch about the Rev Bob Levy giving lengthy plugs for his stand-up comedy shows on your radio show? Used to feed his family. And then insist he was fired from your show because you’re worse at giving credit where credit is due than the sour puss resistance faces at MSNBC, Unibrow Maddow included.

Hey Howard, this is Chris Mathews sexually harassing his new chesty intern for MSNBC. Eating out Maddow, counts as your lunch break babe.
If Howard Stern is cured of his all-consuming narcissism than why not give credit to the recent policy decisions resulting in our current Trumpian led boomtime economy?

If Howard really cared about being an evolved, non-discriminate ball buster he’d address the MSNBC assertion behind Obama being the US President responsible for the lowest unemployment rate in African American history but actually be funny about it and state.

Giving Obama credit for our current Dow Jones Highs is like giving Nino Brown credit for getting Pookie off crack and welfare in 1991.
You know New York has gotten soft. And how Howard’s gone even softer.
When the Silicon Valley lords of the universe at Twitter now exists to keep Howard’s 650-million-dollar ego, afloat, dent free.

Every other F weird, weak, Howard truth bomb joke read above was posted on Twitter earlier and got my account frozen every time. Now, I can’t even start new account because of my alleged “unsupported phone number.” Understand, I’ve started 42 new accounts over the past year to ensure my jokes get read and aren’t shadow banned again.

I would prefer if I just got a lifetime ban already from the Twitter Twat CEO Jack Dorsey. At least then, it would make an interesting talking point when I’m promoting my upcoming, self-published books this summer, Falling For Fatherhood and Stay At Home Comedian. Henry Miller had his books banned in America. I’d like to join such a prestigious club.
Howard regrets mentioning to Robin Williams how he left his ex-wife because he started to bang his nanny. But how else was Howard going to feel good about himself in the presence of an Oscar winning comedian?
Granted, the movie Private Parts loses its good guy encrusted, heart filled luster knowing Howard never stuck it out with the wife he achieved super stardom with. Who’s also the mother of his 3 kids, etc.
Howard also regrets asking Gilda Radner if Gene Wilder had a big penis? So, now that Howard is neighbors with edgeless, yenta breath, Seinfeld in South Hampton, he no longer works blue? We’re still talking about the same shock jock who thought Fart Man was needed in a major comedy advancing way to make Bill Hicks jealous in comedy heaven above?

Howard Stern Comes Again is a real headliner hooker of a book title Howard. I guess Beth comes again to Jimmy Kimmel’s Trump is bad, media is good monologue would’ve been overacting beyond her limited screen credits on IMBD.com.
Howard Stern Comes again is the worst title ever Howard. Why not name your book collection of celeb interviews, Tools Like The Unhuggable C Word O’Donnell, being proven wrong about Russian collusions tales with less legs than Lieutenant Dan?
Now Howard tells Terry Gross on NPR, how he started out in radio, only doing outrageous racial, sexual and religious material to entertain and enlarge his audience. Because he had concerns of not making a living. You were doing material you thought was funny Howard because that’s what you were judged on in addition to making your mark in less politically correct times. But keep on proving your incapable of less honest introspection than the Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein empowering, Jihadist hijacked NY Times dude.

Obama ruined Howard Stern. Add that to Obama’s illustrious list of accomplishments. Would the old school King Of All Media feel compelled to conduct an apology tour 25 years later otherwise?

Hey, Howard sound more like a double-talking FBI stiff James Comey and claim all your jokes, mostly written by others like from Jackie the Joke Man throughout the eighties and nineties we’re politically insensitive errors of judgment, lacking no real malicious intent whatsoever.

But Howard wasn’t done grossing out old school watchers of his Channel 9 show on NPR just yet. He added. “If I hadn’t grown and changed, I don’t know I could still be on the radio.” I’m sure that was Howard’s exact pitch when he resigned with Sirus XM radio for 90 mill a year.

If you hadn’t grown and changed Howard, you don’t know how you can still be on the radio? Becoming an old-world media establishment, high priced whore mouthpiece doesn’t reflect deep wowing evolution Howard. In reality, it’s a gargantuan, blatantly unnecessary, reversal of unapologetic funny. But hey, as long as Terry Gross on NPR is giving your book of interviews anybody can watch on YouTube, a favorable plug.
For all your tough talk Howard, you couldn’t handle a scrap of the 24/7 scrutiny our President endures between diet cokes, making NY flavored, ball busting great again. It could’ve been your legacy in a post fake news moralist grandstanding Obama universe, and you blew it.

Just when old school Stern loyalists like myself, couldn’t stomach any other new age drivel from Jerry Curl Crow Stubble Stern, he tells Terry Gross on NPR, his cherished superego/ID is “buried and dead.” But he still thinks the 30 million Sirus listeners could’ve swayed the election in Hillary Hammer Time Cankles favor if he only got to interview her about those deleted 30 thousand emails, including Yoga specials from Lulu Lemon and funeral arrangements in the woods, in case Chelsea Clinton’s husband decided to increase his asking price at the last sec.

Also, for legendary radio man, who made a living off aiming his comedic venom on those hypocritical, bullies in power. The fact Howard doesn’t unleash any justified venom at Trump supporter attacking ANTIFA, shadow government colluding Obama, fake news dossier financing Hillary, or on the treacherous FBI, deep state, you know Swamp Thing, signifies Howard’s title of World Heavyweight ball buster of the most deplorable, hilarious order is finished.

With KP gone, Louie’s show on FX over, Joan River’s daughter, pledging her support of Biden, the Yankees banning Kate Smith’s song of America the Beautiful, Madison Avenue being in bed with fake news fro Collin Kaepernick, The Giants trading away their only marquee personality, masters of the universe Bloomberg and Jamie Dimon at JP Morgan Chase being all talk but never showcasing the balls to take on the Big Donald on the national debate stage of ideas. My cherished New York City of old is so yesterday’s, meh, news. I was convinced Bloomberg was going to run against Trump during the last presidential election.
Then, Bernie Sanders had the DNC nomination stolen from him. So much for 2016 being the year for Atheist Jews.
But at least Park Slope’s sleepy prince of pompousness Bill De Blasio is being heckled in Trump Tower in the house that The Donald’s super ID built loud and proud. Too bad Howard’s introspective version of himself, doesn’t sound so loud and proud anymore. Between you and me, Howard no longer feels like the King of All Media, with Trump being Trump today. Above all else, that’s why Howard comes out with this book now to help solidify his good guy legacy. Meanwhile, there’s no way Howard ever works for free like our President, knowing what chump change he pays his writers to make him sound tougher than Dice.

Trump’s got great relationships with his drug free, non-hysterical children. And Baby Boomer arrogance never dies and that’s why so many other faded A list NY boomer celebs on the decline of cultural influence with less than stellar relationships with their own children, such as Robert Dinero and Alec Baldwin resent this beloved man of the people president, responsible for making ball busting great again, not weird weak Howard.
Reality update Howard, African Americans still got 99 problems, but President Trump isn’t one of them. I’m also more inclined to believe President Trump being the most pro African American President ever knowing how gang banger reformer, black pride incarnate, Jim Brown has his support over you. But at least you sold Terry Gross at NPR about burying your Super ID for good. Who sounds like the more laughable, Con Man now after all?

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Red Lobster Resistor

Palestine was a safe haven for Jews after the Holocaust Rashida Tlaib?

But isn’t it against the Muslim faith to be in favor of any sanctuary state for the Jewish people of any kind?

Enlighten me, Ken Burns of Mecca. Calm me.

The ultra tolerant, super respected, never terrorist endorsing, highly cultured, Oliver stone movie quoting Palestinians welcomed the Jewish people after the Holocaust?

How much hashish are you smoking?

The Palestinians welcomed the Jewish people after the Holocaust.

And Roger Waters is happy for David Gilmore’s

INT. RED LOBSTER-MOTHERS DAY
Latino kid cries.
Stay At Home Comedian
Why is Julio crying?
I know the shrimp at Red Lobster isn’t Baja fresh.
But at least Jimmy Kimmel will look at his writing packet over a Trumpian supporter.

INT. RED LOBSTER
Stay At Home Comedian
I’ll have the Admiral’s feast.
Because I never outgrew my love of hair metal power ballads or taste buds from the nineties in general.

Waitress laughs long time.

On the phone with Dad on my moms cell.

We went to Red Lobster for an impromptu Mother’s Day feast.

Dad says. Do they still have all you can eat shrimp?

I say. No Dad or else I would’ve seen Rosie Odonnell’s, deplorable fat ass there.

My father has a crush on Steph Curry.

The Knicks could’ve got him.

He was the draft pick after ours.

Hey dad, remember when you told other rec coaches how much I sucked so you could hog up a greater allotment of A players available?

My wife explaining why she still enjoys visiting her parents.

I can sleep in. They look after the kids in the morning.

I say. They don’t have a choice because our kids woke them up already.

Because they were up late, hogging the big TV.

On the phone with mom for Mother’s Day.

Dad shared pictures of Arthur from his art show on Facebook. He got lots of comments.

Remember when you hid my Fire and Knives stories in your empty bar? Getting less touches than a bible in Provincetown.

Am I the only one who recognizes what a cliched hack Corey Booker sounds like?

“Beat demagogues with compassion.”

Did he read that from a resistance founded, good karma spreading, rainbow hued, Fortune Cookie shop in Bushwick?

Microsoft is using AI to enforce political correctness.

Hey, Cortana, what do you think of the lesbian couple in the new Google nest commercial?

How many woman do you think auditioned for the innocuous looking butch type?

Me defending exposing my 5 year old son to the movie Blood Sport.

Wife fumes.

Why did you show Arthur Blood Sport?

Gay, Trans, straight, I don’t care except firing my son up to not be the pussy on the receiving end of life.

You want mandatory vasectomy’s now Rape Wood?

Because you refuse to acknowledge an embryo as a life?

It’s the size of a Pomegranate seed. Got it John Oliver.

But what does the size of Alyssa Milano’s brain have to do with it?

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Zero Love for Ayesha Curry

Mompreneurs are so not hot right now, according to Ayesha Curry.

Nobody checks her out anymore because her mother in law hasn’t gained a pound since giving birth to chipmunk chucker in the nineties.

At least cutie pie Brandon Jennings called her “beautiful” and told her to stop tripping. It’s not like she has to audition for groupie number 1 on Empire to pay the bills anymore.

Ayesha Curry claims to have had zero clue what a big deal Steph Curry was until attending his 1st high school basketball game. I’m sure she confused him for the ball boy at MSG like a biracial Marv Albert.

But why doesn’t Ayesha Curry get any attention from male groupies ever into her Ayesha’s Home Kitchen on the Food Network?

Because any guy who watched it in the bay area paid more attention to the high production value interior design, Steph’s mom’s highlights and her hubby’s petite size nuts under his under armor inside.

Immigration is the most important issue to Ayesha Curry because her parents are from Jamaica. She’s like Kamala Harris minus the Ann Taylor store credit.

Ayesha Curry has no problem with her husband writing an Op-Ed defending professional athlete’s right to take a knee in protest of police brutality. Glamorized NBA House Wife Chef please. Your husband looks whiter than Obama biking in Martha’s Vineyard. If Stephen Curry gets harassed by the bay area cops, it’s for summer barbeque bikini pics of his mom for their own personal beat it stick stash.

John Bon Jovi married his high school sweetheart. I don’t recall her ever bitching about all the mad groupie love shoved in her face for 4 decades straight. And I thought Betty Draper on Mad Men had self-esteem issues. Plus, I don’t recall Don Draper making his wife the face for Virginia Slim to make her feel better about her fledglings sex pot, stay at home mom status. Stop giving not so needy, NBA wives a bad name girlfriend.

Am I an asshole for insisting you can’t call yourself a true Mompreneur? When you can afford full time day care from 8-6 five days a week and have local grandparents to dump the kids off to any weekend you like.

Of course Ayesha Curry’s cookbook, The Seasoned Life, has nothing but 5 star ratings on Amazon. I’m sure her husband turning down the honor of visiting the White House had 0.0 to do with it.

I love how in a post Obama universe, the NBA exists as a safe space for LeBron’s James punctured ego while Harper Collins got Ayesha’s back, to project the veneer she’s busier than your average housewife and just as important to celebrate on social media than Michelle’s Obama increasingly justifiable, big brained, high minded scowl.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Jared Kushner’s Smart

Netanyahu inviting the new Ukrainian Comedian President to Israel.
Trump armed the Ukraine, so you’re cool in my book. Got any good Huma Licker jokes for me? Jackie Mason is beginning to sound a tad repetitive for my taste.

My favorite Russian ads on Facebook about Hillary.
Bernie is a fake news communist.
Fuck that disbarred bitch.
Chelsea isn’t ugly anymore.
Lolita Express Equals Rape Plane
Seth Rich and Julian Assange Rule

How did Russia help Trump get elected again? Did a hologram of Drago appear in previous blue state voting booths in PA demanding, vote Trump or I’ll break you? Resist this absurdist pointed joke losers.

Jared Kushner on soon to be released Middle East Peace Plan.
The Palestians will charge America of apartheid supported collusion regardless.

Jared Kushner on Jamal Khashoggi’s death.
The Saudi’s aren’t into Muslim Brotherhood propagandists. I sold them Tomahawk Missiles. They’re guided by a new prince. He knows being held hostage by radical jihadists bile is bad for business.

Jared Kushner on Jamal Khashoggi’s death.
What do you want from me? Unlike Jim Acosta, his press credentials are revoked permanently. The Saudi’s aren’t too fond of the Washington Compost. Mark Levin wrote that for me.

Jared Kushner on soon to be released Middle East Peace Plan.
The Palestians will withhold their call to refrain from violence in less time than it takes me to burst with Ivanka in sheer talking dirty to me in Mandarin.

Closed door meeting between Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey and President Trump.
Jack, can I call you jack? You only exist because of me. Fuck Milo. Nobody misses his tweets. Without me, Twitter is dead. And journalists lose all reason for living.

Closed door meeting between Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey and President Trump continued.
Is your friend Fake News Fro Collin Kaepernick enjoying the largest unemployment check cut ever recorded? Just curious dude. Do you ever trim that thing?

Bill Deblasio fighting climate change.
No more glass skyscrapers. They contribute more to global warming than team AOC’s clambaking sessions in her entourage of SUV’s from the boogie down Bronx to her dealers more gentrified brownstone hoods in Park Slope.

New York Times apologizing to it’s readers when Trump wins all 50 states in 2020. It was a nice run while it lasted. The National Inquirer is still standing. Tabloid journalism needed an elitist powerhouse to take over it.
Democrats calling on Republicans to impeach Trump is an Eastern Worshiper Hail Mary of the most deplorable, desperate, laughable order. Be more of a transparent sore loser twat, Twitter.
Memo to Governor Cuomo.
Biden has the best shot to beat Trump.
Is Don Jr. banging Eric Trump’s made up widow?
Is Trump inhaling Kellyanne Conway’s hair with camera’s blaring to ensure she’s washed the stench of porkie George out of her hair?

Florida felons love Trump. Trump was gangsta before he killed off the Bush Dynasty, ushered in prison reform & pardoned Jack Johnson. Gang banger reformer Jim Brown got his back. Felons wouldn’t fuck Uni Brow Maddow with Michelle’s dick.

Bernie Sanders want to give voting rights to the Boston Bomber.
What about Seth Rich Bernie? He’s more alive than that POS inside. Stay morally strong smear breath.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE
Kid
Build the Wall.
Trump
It’s happening kid.
Kid
Well, Ann Coulter isn’t over her blue balls yet. So get cracking.

INT. DENTIST OFFICE
Friends plays.
Stay At Home Comedian
My favorite bottled water is Smart Water. It adds an extra bounce to my step.
When I drink it, I feel like Jennifer Aniston on the rebound.

Hygienist laughs long time.

INT. HOME
Wife
I tried to tell you about buying these rugs.
You can clean our new rug in the wash.
Stay At Home Comedian
Stop talking. Because of you I want to roll up something earlier than usual.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Spitting on Chopin’s Grave

Most brutal hashtag to wake up to on my ordained day of rest.
#IStandWithIlhanOmar.

She’s no Rita Marley Twitter. And your hashtag campaign in her honor is no redemption song. Quoting W only makes Baby Face Omar’s mouth worse.

911 restricted Muslim civil liberties in the US, the religion of peace. The call to prayer in my old neighborhood in Queens didn’t sound too peaceful, muted or restricted one bit after 911 either, just saying.

Again, how was Omar’s freedom restricted after 911? Was she denied an Ivy league education at Harvard because her Math SAT scores were too high? And excelled at classical piano despite spitting on Chopin’s grave in her dreams.

How was Omar’s freedom restricted after 911?
She never considered moving on up to the Upper East Side. Picture Omar in her finest hijab being judged by Ruth Ginsberg’s sister in law as the head of the co op board in her building. Do you care for Woody’s earlier work Omar?

911 restricted US Muslim’s civil liberties. Nobody stopped Baby Face Omar from petitioning outside of Hebrew National headquarters for showcasing a dual loyalty to Ellen Barkin from the Bronx and Orthodox Brooklyn Jews scared to try anything else.

911 restricted Muslim’s civil liberties. The NY Times is free to use unverified sources such as Russian golden shower tale to make Chelsea Handler blush. Plus, I don’t recall the NY Times looking into Obama’s pitch perfect Farsi.

911 restricted Muslim’s civil liberties in the US. Leaders of the Muslim community were pretty vocal about opening a super mosque in downtown Manhattan soon after, immune from being spied on of course unlike others.

If President Trump doesn’t pardon our #WikiLeaks hero. Nor use him to take the down the murders behind Seth Rich. Then Sean Hannity, Q and my all knowing trusting, gut level instinct owes me an effusive, mandatory apology.

Again one last time, how was Omar’s freedom restricted after 911? She balked at hondeling with a Jewish Super over a ghost town, Tribeca loft next to Ed Burns after 911? She got sued for defamation after calling J date Horny Heebs Date on My Space?

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth