Jared Kushner’s Smart

Netanyahu inviting the new Ukrainian Comedian President to Israel.
Trump armed the Ukraine, so you’re cool in my book. Got any good Huma Licker jokes for me? Jackie Mason is beginning to sound a tad repetitive for my taste.

My favorite Russian ads on Facebook about Hillary.
Bernie is a fake news communist.
Fuck that disbarred bitch.
Chelsea isn’t ugly anymore.
Lolita Express Equals Rape Plane
Seth Rich and Julian Assange Rule

How did Russia help Trump get elected again? Did a hologram of Drago appear in previous blue state voting booths in PA demanding, vote Trump or I’ll break you? Resist this absurdist pointed joke losers.

Jared Kushner on soon to be released Middle East Peace Plan.
The Palestians will charge America of apartheid supported collusion.

Jared Kushner on Jamal Khashoggi’s death.
The Saudi’s aren’t into Muslim Brotherhood propagandists. I sold them Tomahawk Missiles. They’re guided by a new prince. He knows being held hostage by radical jihadists bile is bad for business.

Jared Kushner on Jamal Khashoggi’s death.
What do you want from me? Unlike Jim Acosta, his press credentials are revoked permanently. The Saudi’s aren’t too fond of the Washington Compost. Mark Levin wrote that for me.

 
Jared Kushner on soon to be released Middle East Peace Plan.
The Palestians will withhold their call to refrain from violence in less time than it takes me to burst with Ivanka in sheer talking dirty to me in Mandarin.

Closed door meeting between Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey and President Trump.
Jack, can I call you jack? You only exist because of me. Fuck Milo. Nobody misses his tweets. Without me, Twitter is dead. And journalists lose all reason for living.

Closed door meeting between Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey and President Trump continued.
Is your friend Fake News Fro Collin Kaepernick enjoying the largest unemployment check cut ever recorded? Just curious dude. Do you ever trim that thing?

Bill Deblasio fighting climate change.
No more glass skyscrapers. They contribute more to global warming than team AOC’s clambaking sessions in her entourage of SUV’s from the boogie down Bronx to her dealers more gentrified brownstone hoods in Park Slope.

New York Times apologizing to it’s readers when Trump wins all 50 states in 2020. It was a nice run while it lasted. The National Inquirer is still standing. Tabloid journalism needed an elitist powerhouse to take over it.
Democrats calling on Republicans to impeach Trump is an Eastern Worshiper Hail Mary of the most deplorable, desperate, laughable order. Be more of a transparent sore loser twat, Twitter.
Memo to Governor Cuomo.
Biden has the best shot to beat Trump.
Is Don Jr. banging Eric Trump’s made up widow?
Is Trump inhaling Kellyanne Conway’s hair with camera’s blaring to ensure she’s washed the stench of porkie George out of her hair?

 

Florida felons love Trump. Trump was gangsta before he killed off the Bush Dynasty, ushered in prison reform & pardoned Jack Johnson. Gang banger reformer Jim Brown got his back. Felons wouldn’t fuck Uni Brow Maddow with Michelle’s dick.

Bernie Sanders want to give voting rights to the Boston Bomber.
What about Seth Rich Bernie? He’s more alive than that POS inside. Stay morally strong smear breath.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE
Kid
Build the Wall.
Trump
It’s happening kid.
Kid
Well, Ann Coulter isn’t over her blue balls yet. So get cracking.

INT. DENTIST OFFICE
Friends plays.
Stay At Home Comedian
My favorite bottled water is Smart Water. It adds an extra bounce to my step.
When I drink it, I feel like Jennifer Aniston on the rebound.

Hygienist laughs long time.

INT. HOME
Wife
I tried to tell you about buying these rugs.
You can clean our new rug in the wash.
Stay At Home Comedian
Stop talking. Because of you I want to roll up something earlier than usual.

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

Spitting on Chopin’s Grave

Most brutal hashtag to wake up to on my ordained day of rest.
#IStandWithIlhanOmar.

She’s no Rita Marley Twitter. And your hashtag campaign in her honor is no redemption song. Quoting W only makes Baby Face Omar’s mouth worse.

911 restricted Muslim civil liberties in the US, the religion of peace. The call to prayer in my old neighborhood in Queens didn’t sound too peaceful, muted or restricted one bit after 911 either, just saying.

Again, how was Omar’s freedom restricted after 911? Was she denied an Ivy league education at Harvard because her Math SAT scores were too high? And excelled at classical piano despite spitting on Chopin’s grave in her dreams.

How was Omar’s freedom restricted after 911?
She never considered moving on up to the Upper East Side. Picture Omar in her finest hijab being judged by Ruth Ginsberg’s sister in law as the head of the co op board in her building. Do you care for Woody’s earlier work Omar?

911 restricted US Muslim’s civil liberties. Nobody stopped Baby Face Omar from petitioning outside of Hebrew National headquarters for showcasing a dual loyalty to Ellen Barkin from the Bronx and Orthodox Brooklyn Jews scared to try anything else.

911 restricted Muslim’s civil liberties. The NY Times is free to use unverified sources such as Russian golden shower tale to make Chelsea Handler blush. Plus, I don’t recall the NY Times looking into Obama’s pitch perfect Farsi.

911 restricted Muslim’s civil liberties in the US. Leaders of the Muslim community were pretty vocal about opening a super mosque in downtown Manhattan soon after, immune from being spied on of course unlike others.

If President Trump doesn’t pardon our #WikiLeaks hero. Nor use him to take the down the murders behind Seth Rich. Then Sean Hannity, Q and my all knowing trusting, gut level instinct owes me an effusive, mandatory apology.

Again one last time, how was Omar’s freedom restricted after 911? She balked at hondeling with a Jewish Super over a ghost town, Tribeca loft next to Ed Burns after 911? She got sued for defamation after calling J date Horny Heebs Date on My Space?

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Slices of Heaven

INT. CAR
Son
In Arizona, I saw Heaven on a cloud daddy.
Stay At Home Comedian
Too bad you can’t score a good slice of NY Pizza in Arizona, if your afterlife in eternal, blissed out Heaven depended on it.

Chris Matthews sexually harassing a new intern for MSNBC.
Eating out Maddow, counts as your lunch break babe.

INT. DAYCARE
Stay At Home Comedian
You kids want to stand by your man’s commitment to avoid drinking his daily Tall Boy serving of Pap’s during the week. Don’t stock the fridge with Raspberry Lime Seltzer.

Memo to Comey:
Trump tried to burn down the FBI.
50 percent of your book never felt more like a shitty deal.

Let’s compare US President legacies only 2 years in.
Obama let Americans die of Fentanyl without treating it like an epidemic,, ravaging our heartland inside and out. Pictures of Trump hugging flags inspired my kids to do the same.

INT. DAYCARE
Stay At Home Comedian
You girls want to keep your future men happy? Never stock the fridge with Raspberry Lime Seltzer. I’d rather drink Michelle Obama’s line of Jolly Green Giant Kombucha’s.

Pope prefers we call migrants as migrant people. I have no problem with this order Pope. When we can we start calling you the Father enabler protector of pedophile priests, for covering up another widespread invasion to your holiness?

Google employees lashing out at conservatives being put on their AI council.

Conservatives don’t have gay friends. How can they tell the difference between an artificially manufactured gay voice versus a pure creepy organic one from Peter Theil?

House Democrats want oversight for all of Fox’s editorial decisions. But President Trump is the dictator, threatening free speech in this country. They can’t stand being blasted for the deplorable, racist, elitist retards, they are.

Democrats subpoena threat for Mueller Report. Pressure builds on Barr. For what, delivering all the 65,000 sealed indictments door to door personally by April 5?

Eric Holder on MSNBC.
Trump will go down the worst US President in history. Shouldn’t you be busy stuffing Pinatas with more free guns to kill ICE agents with? Hands up, don’t shoot the messenger, you anti-American jihadist, piece of shit.

Giving money to Beto is liking giving money to Demetri Martin’s cousin with even less stage presence and worst puns to hang the mantle of stand-up comedy’s savior on.

Memo to Joe Biden:
Thanks for making me feel like a self-conscious creep for kissing my wife’s head. I was just being affectionate now feels like I’m in sniffing distance of turning into liver spotted gentile pedophile, thanks.

INT. HOME
Wife
Dumbo was 6:45, not 6.
It wasn’t fun killing time in a shopping mall parking lot in Carmel.
Stay At Home Comedian
3 kids later, can you make up your mind over whether you enjoy our kids company to the maximum degree or not.

311 Music is still a perfect album. It’s too cool for ANTIFA to know about, let alone play at their Hitler youth, non-fascist, fascist front rallies, hurling bags of piss at officers told stand down, who should be throwing their asses down.

INT. CAR
Stay At Home Comedian
Where was Baseball created Romania or America?
Son
Who invented God, Greeks or the Americans? Joke, only God invented God.
Stay At Home Comedian
I thought you were watching Real Time on HBO behind my back.

The End,

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Making Bank Money Already

Wish I subbed my no show, whiny Jewish Grandma for a wise black grandma as her fill in for my wedding. Post an ad on Craig’s List. Tyler Perry impersonators are welcome. Must be comfortable performing in front of white audiences only.

Email Pitch to American Thinker:
Here’s, my last blog post, let’s see if your high standards of comedy are in sniffing distance of mine. My daughter as Miss America. Give it up for Miss America. Trump, keep your hands up high where I can see them.

Int. Bedroom
Kids are dangling off the bed before evening reading time.
Stay At Home Comedian
Focus guys.
Daughter
It’s fun Dada. Remember childhood.
Stay At Home Comedian
Didn’t have much memory rich moments with dad in between.

INT. BEDROOM
Son
Daddy, you’re naked.
Dad
I’m topless. Some strip clubs are all nude. You see full vagina and everything.
Son
I prefer no hair.
Dad
How do you know about hairy bushes?
Son
Mama
Dad
Big boobs complement it better.

INT. HOUSE
Weed Dealer
Hudson Valley news reported weed is being laced with Fentanyl.
Stay At Home Comedian
You really know how to get me in the mood.
You’re worse than my wife. At least, you’re not reprimanding me for my aggressive tone.

INT. GARAGE
Son
Can I change my name?
Stay At Home Comedian
Nikki Sixx did.
Son
When I get older, I’m going to change my name to Michael.
Stay At Home Comedian
You want to be named after daddy? Parenting does matter.
Got an apology for me NY Times?

INT. HOBBY SHOP
Clerk
We don’t sell drone planes as much since they stopped the registration requirement.

Stay At Home Comedian
Good to know I’m not only one paranoid about Obama trying to wipe out whitey by any means necessary.

INT. WINE SHOP
Stay At Home Comedian
Is this Cab dehydrating?
Wine Clerk
Dehydrating?
Stay At Home Comedian
Yeah, will give it me dry cotton mouth and Hillary guilty as sin triggered cough fits of despair?

INT. WINE SHOP
Owner
I still cringe when Trump speaks sometimes.
Stay At Home Comedian
When he get’s a tad too comfortable riffing on stage knowing he can wing it because Ron White lives in Beverly Hills.

Trumps mentally unfit, Trump’s going to jail, Trump’s a scumbag, Trump’s made your life a living hell. But he’s a loser, not you Palmer Report. Trump’s day so far, wake up next to Melania, with 4 billion in the bank, dreaming of Ivanka in 2024.

I’m still waiting for Leborn James to stage a fake suicide this offseason, so Jemele Hill can blame it on Trump’s rising tide of masculinity in the Atlantic.

Biden can make the old man grope a dope move great again.

House Democrats are heading to court to get the Mueller report. They’re like spurned groupies of JD Salinger, lost in the wilderness without the full reveal of his magnum opus.

INT. DAYCARE
Security Card
Sleep in today?
Stay At Home Comedian
Actually, was doing kettle bells with my son.
Then, we hit up drive thru dunkin for him.
Or else I’m circumcising his happiness.
Security Guard laughs long time.

I’ll give the resistance this much. Michelle Obama flapping with joy in slacks on Ellen was no cover up. How can you be such an authority? Because I don’t think a Tampon can hang that low. And my uncle freebased with Richard Pryor.

Obama told Tlaib, he’s proud of her because he’s demonizing Hymie better than he ever could. He’s just chilling, enjoying the show. smack talking, it’s hard to look this good, sitting on my ass, eating more Caramel swirl sorbet Michelle.

Rham blames “toxic ” Trump for Jussie hate hoax. Michelle bitch slapped him after his press conference to let him know which way the wind blows. Yelling, does the name Joan Rivers mean anything to you punk ass bitch?

 

House Democrats are heading to court to get the Mueller report. And then what, grade it an F plus? Photoshop yellow laced letters on top it spelling out KGB was here? 65,000 seal indictments, Trump isn’t one bitches. Resist this, losers.

Do It All Dad potty training his 2 year old son at the Stop and Shop bathroom.

If your antsy and you know it. It means dad took adderall on a Saturday during his ordained day of rest again like Andy Dick minus the career.

Do It All Dad potty training his 2 year old son at Stop and Shop.

Do you want to use the potty like daddy when you get older? Instead of your German Au Pair as a pleasant change of pace. Assuming, your marriage is bursting at the seams.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Do It All Dad Pride

Bhagavad Gita study with my kids before bed.
Nirvana, state of inner calm is impossible for Roger because he’s ruled by selfish drug fueled desires and uncontrollable anger when he’s cut off from more or whenever he wakes up sober again, all out of endorphins. And mama says American Dad isn’t educational.

Reply for, “you’ve got your  hands full”, whenever I’m out in public with my 3 kids.
I’m a recovering semi-functional pothead who blanked on asking my wife if she was on the pill or not, remembering something about it making her nauseous in between.

Bob Marley birthed 12 kids. Bob would agree.  Weed stripping your seed of life blasting power is fake news man.

INT. Coffee Shop
Old Lady
That’s one happy baby.
Stay At Home Comedian
Funnier Dad, happier baby.
I’ve seen my wife’s baby pics.
She looks frozen with fear 24/7.

Old lady laughs long time.

INT. GROCERY STORE
Clerk
Do you call your daughter Matilda, Tilly?
Stay At Home Comedian
Like Jennifer Tilly in Bride of Chucky? No, based on mommy, I don’t see my daughter turning out as chesty as Jennifer Tilly.

It’s hard to be your own man as a stay at home dad. When your wife’s smart phone sends her an alert, every time you make another questionable purchase. Wife calls, “Hey babe, so how was Bride of Chucky? ”

Int. Supermarket-AM
Old Lady
You’ve got your hands full.
Father of 3 In Public
If my wife agreed to an open marriage with Katy Perry, my hands would be full.
You’re looking at me like wrong time and place for sexual innuendo material references I’m out of touch with.

I hate well paid union men who engage in cliched Lotto talk at the deli. 700 hundred million would be too much but 10 million would be great. I have 3 kids to send to college. Cashier is thinking, it’s not my fault Bruce Springsteen doesn’t give you royalty points for ripping off your life pal.

Dirt on Dirt on Netflix
Mick Mars having to pay child support, with his spine turning to stone, couldn’t have had a more urgent call to action before he become the Freddy Kruger of shred metal.

Nikki Sixx makes cool look effortless.

Evite idea pitch.
Birthday tour of the White House with my 5 groomsmen and family of 5. The tour is a 10 person minimum. But the entertainment factor exceeds any shitty bringer show at Broadway Comedy Club, I dragged you to in the past, if Trump leads it.

Tempting Call

Dad, remember when you said, nobody cares about my political opinions?
Do you feel the same way about Maddow now? Or doe she get a pass because she puts mom to sleep for you? So you’re free with Topless Tudors 1 room over.

Reply when my 2 year old boy is called a she by mistake.

He hit the genetic lotto I know. Dad doesn’t so look hot in a wig or long hair. I’ve tried.

My teenage bedroom was a giant homage to she male hair metal.

Nelson Brothers, yummy.

Chapter books for kids over picture books aren’t worth the hype. I mean who packs their kids wax cheese to play with anymore? Aren’t hipster spawn today more likely to discuss the experimental leanings of dad’s Lou Reeds record collection on wax?

Tempting Call Part 2
Dad, remember when you said, nobody cares about my political opinions?
Do you feel the same way about Uni Brow Maddow now? Or do you let her off the hook because she puts mom to sleep each night so you can whack it to Casualties of Anal after dark?

Explaining to my son he was the only kid planned out of our precious 3 in total.

Son replies. So I’m better than everyone? Constantly reminding me how much you prefer nights with mama over me when she isn’t working doesn’t help your cause. Give it time kid.

Ray Romano spec script title ideas still applicable today.

What?
What?
What?

But I’m sure talk of my friends staying at the Trump suite in DC is really what you pissed you off about inviting my friends to DC for my birthday jamboree.

 

Replies next time some concerned stranger points out my kids runny nose.

I don’t produce weak sperm.

He’s building up his immunity to hypersensitive pussies like yourself.

My boy’s name is Snot from Revenge of the Nerds. I’m his master.

INT. BOOKSTORE
Stay At Home Comedian enters with his beautiful 2 year old boy.
Clerk
Hi,
Stay At Home Comedian
He knows how to make his presence felt doesn’t he?

Clerk laughs.

Stay At Home Comedian
Chosen curls was bound to woo, what about you?
Clerk
Are you flirting with me through your baby freak? Keep it up, I like it.

Brutal Flashback
Younger Brother
The world doesn’t revolve around your kids.
3 kids, 8 years later, you, mom and dad babysitting our 3 kids a grand total of 3 times gave me this distinct impression already. But you’ve still got demon issues to work out. Got it.

Performance Enhancing Drugs are overrated. If I took them at sleep away camp in Kent, Connecticut, I would’ve struck out at a more accelerated speed.

INT. Supermarket
Clerk
Are you Catholic?
Stay At Home Comedian
Because I told you my name is Michael who defeats the devil? No, I’m Jewish actually and I’m a speed joke devil with a cause and I’m going platinum. What do you think of an Ivanka, Kid Rock ticket?

 

New replies to a stranger  pointing out my 2 year old boy being dressed in pajamas outside of the house.

He looks better than Hugh Hefner did or if you were born pretty like Orlando Bloom you’d shop for mandarins in Uggs to.

New friendship litmus test. Invite your friends for a birthday party tour of the White House, stressing the fact it’s a 10 a person minimum and how Trump leads the tour offering far more enjoyment than any bringer standup show at the Boston Comedy Club on Crashing.

I’m a lifelong Yankee fan and #PinstripePride rubs me the wrong way like Jussie Smollet chilling on a Lucky Charm float at the Gay Pride parade. Or Jussie Smollet getting to play the clownish Chocolate Mousse in the remake of Top Secret.

Brutal Reveal
Old friend from High School admits. I’m a season ticket holder now. I reply. But I thought you didn’t want to give money to James Dolan for offering such a consistently shitty product. Or has Maddow just lowered your standards of good ROI all together?

Is it me or is the majority of NY suffering from major Mueller hangover report? I’ve never seen so many hate stare filled hunchbacks in broad daylight in my life. Too bad the worst is yet to come, you mush brained mooks.

Whenever my wife says, do it all dad, it upsets me because I feel like she’s mocking me because this stay at home dad doesn’t have his books out yet to sell or made money from the podcast yet. Then again, she thinks warming up fish sticks is making dinner.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Did I Watch The Oscars Rape Wood?

INT. Goodwill
Daughter
Why would anyone donate a diamond glittered glove?
Stay At Home Comedian
Michael Jackson impersonators being put out of business permanently. Finding Never Employable Again Land.

Int. Everyday Diner
Stay At Home Comedian
Cherry, Coke.
Waitress
It’s Pepsi Cherry Coke.
Stay At Home Comedian
I thought Jussie Smollet was desperate for attention.
I’ll have a regular Coke. The ghost of Michael Jackson creeps again.

INT. HOME SWEET HOME-NY
FATHER IN LAW
Matilda, when you were 1 where were you living?
STAY AT HOME COMEDIAN
Not in Delaware with Baba and Jida, devoid of all living color in more ways than one.

INT. CAR
Daughter
Daddy, is God a boy or a girl?
Stay At Home Comedian
George Carlin called God an office temp with a shitty attitude.
Daughter
I can see that.
Stay At Home Comedian
Stop acting so evolved at 8 years old already.

INT. CAR
Daughter
Daddy, is God a boy or a girl?
Stay At Home Comedian
If it was up to Bill Maher it would be a dreamy cross section in the middle.
Daughter
Daddy, was that a Michelle Obama Trans reference resulting in you getting murderd?

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
To hear Spike downplay the Alt Left’s escalating role in Charlottesville, doing their best Bomb Squad meets Beverly Hills Ninja impersonation?

Memo to Monique.
If Michael Jackson were alive to defend himself. His defense would be what? I bought homes for these kids parents and financed their shopping sprees on Rodeo Drive because Beatles royalty points can’t buy me love?

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Kayne didn’t. Plus, I don’t waste my time hearing celebs in gated communities, espousing one manufactured hate crime crisis after the next.

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Why, did Spike Lee insist Kevin Hart dropped out from hosting the awards to downplay his ties to the ruling, gay hip hop mafia?

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Kevin Hart or not, the laughs would be short in this age of Me to raped by Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein or by Cosby’s ironically low hanging pants.

INT. HOME INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Did the woman in white stand up to applaud Holocaust war hero liberators during Trump’s state of the union? Baby Face Omar can’t go against brand.
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Only Rape Wood’s allowed to resist?

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Clint Eastwood said Obama is the biggest fraud ever imposed upon the American Republic. I’ll take Clint’s word for it over Al Sharpton Lee, thanks.

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Did Kevin Spacey buy the Old Vic Theater in London to lunge backstage at men in tights? Wait a sec, Kevin Spacey obviously did. No, I didn’t watch it.

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
To watch Bradley Cooper pretend he wants to bang Lady Gaga in real life?

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
If the golden Jew Adam Sandler hosted, sure. Trump’s the Anti-Christ. But Jesus defeats him. So have some faith in the Jesus comeback story people?

INT. HOME
Paddington scene with Hugh Grant.
Father in Law
He’s a Shylock.
Stay at Home Comedian
That’s a blatantly anti-Semitic, Shakespearian term used by mutt Mic, Limey cross breeds like your dumb ass father in law kids. But I’m the racist deplorable.

At this rate any more Obama shit talking coming out of baby face Omar white washes any demonizing of Israel or it’s supporters out of her pretty, innocent face for me. Please God, don’t let this be a one time fluke. Someone tell her about Joan Rivers already.

Really wish I didn’t see any interview excerpt of David Lee Roth on Joe Rogan. His laugh makes Seth’s Rogan’s laugh sound cool. Also, I’m not buying Dave being the bigger alpha male sex god in comparison to Sammy. Despite Sammy singing of love more often.

Baby Face Omar ripping Obama again.
Obama loves Hitler more than Trump. Obama wishes he was that organized. Exterminating all of his nosy critics at Fox News and Judicial Watch would be a gas.

Outsiders film review 20 years later.
C. Thomas Howell’s agent should burn in hell for wrecking his career. Machio did Karate Kid too soon. Emilio Estevez is golden in everything. And Matt Dillon mugs for the camera like Johnny Drama with his shirt off.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Impossible to Ignore

Howard Schultz would “steal” votes away from the Democrat nominee Bloomberg? Because Kamala Harris is Michelle Obama if she shopped at Ann Taylor.

Howard Schultz would “steal” votes away from the Democrat nominee Bloomberg? Better put the CEO of Pete’s Coffee on notice. He’s got greater brand name recognition than the CEO of the Coffee Bean, Tea and Leaf.

Howard Schultz would “steal” votes away from the Democrat nominee Bloomberg? Because hack comedy writers on Colbert will take their vote to CEO of The Coffee Bean before a centrist Jewish candidate, not controlled by Mexican cartels yet.

Howard Schultz would “steal” votes away from the Democrat nominee Bloomberg? Elizabeth Warren should seek a vision from a Shaman in her 1 percenter tribe. She can write off the Peyote trip expenditures as “opposition research.” If Buzzfeed starts asking questions and reverts to mind blowing, serious investigative journalism again.

Have you heard the new Trump voiced GPS system yet? Turn right for your exit for Mohegan Sun, Elizabeth’s Warren home away from home.

Howard Schultz would “steal” votes away from the Democrat nominee Bloomberg? Shrink from the moment more Bloomberg. His aids are instructed to never bring him a tall latte from Starbucks because tall means small.

Howard Schultz would “steal” votes away from the Democrat nominee Bloomberg? Because Gillibrand will write off past campaign donations by Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein as hush money for not tattle tailing on the fat rat to his wife.

Howard Schultz would “steal” votes away from the Democrat nominee Bloomberg? Because all the Trump haters are so intent on backing a 3 time loser, assuming Huma licker breath runs again.

Howard Schultz would “steal” votes away from the Democrat nominee Bloomberg? Because hack comedy writers banging out angry white boy, Blackish spec scripts at Starbucks are so centrist in thought these days.

Howard Schultz would “steal” votes away from the Democrat nominee Bloomberg? Isn’t that the DNC’s job Mr. Ironic? Face facts Bloomberg. Bernie got screwed, you backed a 2 time loser. So much for 2018 being the year for Atheist Jews.

Howard Schultz would “steal” votes away from the Democrat nominee Bloomberg? Seth Rich calls, now show us what you got Mr. Ironic. Boycott this, resist this, I don’t care.

At my daughter’s Elementary School in Northern Westchester Country,  NY,  they invited the parents there to witness our children play a game of Clue. Using locations from the local surrounding area. Stressing “community” as the theme being taught here. When explaining the directions of the game, my daughter’s 2nd grade teacher says. If make you an accusation and you’re wrong. You’re BuzzFeed, I blurt out without being able to control myself.  The entire class of mostly mothers roars in approval, including my daughters 1st Grade Teacher, Mrs. Castalano, only in New York baby. That’s the real pulse of America Bloomberg, hope you’re taking notes on a Latte cup Schultz.

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

Little Bear is Roger Waters in the Wall

Bill Maher talking down to a Latino Republican on Real Time.
The wall is more than symbolic Bill. Wait a minute Juan. What do Latino Republicans know about Pink Floyd the Wall? I thought you guys skipped your Santana pothead phase in college all together.

Henry Ford blamed the Jewish German bankers for starting World War 2. He also accepted the Grand Cross of the German Eagle from the Nazi’s just to assuage his feelings for his peace ship conference going nowhere. Some model plan b.

Rep. Rashida Tlaib was just matching Trump’s foul mouthed smack talk. No she wasn’t, because “we’re going to impeach that motherf—er is low IQ, fake news funny. Good to know Kid Rock country is under Sharia law now though.

Schumer insisting Trump is the one throwing a temper tantrum is like Rob Reiner telling the new PLO rep from Michigan to take a chill pill.

Enough with Trump choose fear Pelosi. Trump didn’t fabricate avoidable, rape, assault and murder. But making California a sanctuary for encouraged lawlessness gives you the moral high ground denture breath.

What’s there to be skeptical about? More Americans will die this year from drugs than all the Americans who died from Vietnam. But boomers don’t feel the need to politicize this issue. Despite their kids being druggy dependents for life.

What’s the Democratic’s noble purpose? Ensuring a Park Ranger at Yosemite doesn’t miss another check? Or is it rigging more elections through illegal voting so they can stay in power in longer because they’re power hungry parasites.

We can secure our border by other means. How so Chuck? You got some Iron Man armor to sell Border Patrol? Perhaps, a clone of Green Lantern’s ring to create a green laser fence in place of steel slats. You’re still down with clones? Aren’t you pal?

The worst part about blaming the rise of Trump on Fox News. Is it scoffs at the notion of America voting for a regime change. After Obama castrated our military, declared war on cops, nuke gifted Iran and let heroin spread like wild fire on his watch.

Fact is Democrats will never win another election in this country if they don’t stop treating Fox News like the big bad, wolf. Hannity is a blimpy blowhard in a suit and Tucker is a preppy, grating twerp with good hair. Get over it.

When your parents are cool spending another indoor summer in Arizona away from their 3 grandchildren for 4 years straight. Bordering on almost full blown neglect. It’s safe to say, they’re not suffering from family separation anxiety.

Wife
I love school delays.
Me
Of course you do. Its gives you an out for being in zero rush to read my 2nd piece republished on the Good Men Project this week.

The Mama of Little Bear would love to give him Melotonin
Bear Gummies if she could. So she could squeeze in another steamy romance novel before bed with Fabio as the voice of Smokey Robinson Bear whenever Papa bear’s on a fishing trip in Alaska.

Little Bear is primarily about Little Bear being obsessed about being abandoned by his father. Awake or asleep , he just imagines being reunited with this dad. But kids need mom around more.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Not My Daughter’s Role Model

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
2 time loser, alcoholic deplorable. Who stole China from the White House on her way out the door. Am I close yet?

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
Do you know who Tony Podesta is?
He has enough painting with kids in bondage to make Marilyn Manson blush.

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
Rapist enabler, Russian Dossier Financier, best selling Voodoo Doll in Haiti year after year.

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
Do you know what spirit cooking is? Hillary’s campaign adviser John Podesta does. What, blame WikiLeaks, not me.

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
The real bully who stole the Democratic nomination from fake news socialist Bernie Sanders. I know who Seth Rich was. Do you?

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
I know you can’t name one good thing she accomplished.
And stealing the DNC nomination from Bernie Sanders doesn’t count.

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
I don’t look up to cheaters. Ever heard of Jeffrey Epstein? He’s like the Jewish Sandusky. Well, Epstein is tight will Bill alright.

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
A slacker Presidential candidate. Who got out hustled, outclassed and out-messaged by Donald J. Trump. Am I close yet?

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
She’d said we’d all hang if Trump wins. But don’t stop believing in impeachment miracles on my behalf.

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
The Anti-Christ. Don’t worry, Jesus defeats the Anti-Christ. So, keep the faith in the Jesus comeback story resistor.

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
You mean the wicked witch of the east? Who cheated at the debate with Trump by getting the questions in advance.

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
You mean Hillary Hammer Time Cankles?
The treacherous bitch who sold our uranium to Russia.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

Pride On My Side

“The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.”
Marcus Aurelius

Pride has nothing to hide like Kayne’s MAGA hat, Taylor Swift’s lick it up lollipop stick legs or Joe Rogan’s defense of intellectual joke property theft from Carlos Mencia. The only problem I have with pride, is when my pride morphs into full blown conceited vanity. Because it’s never a good look using your IT recruitment agency office to xerox copies of your It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia spec script, “The Gang Gets Outsourced.” No matter how funny or creatively jacked you proclaim it to be. Still, pride prevents mediocrity. And I never would’ve dared to attempt banging out an Always Sunny spec script between IT recruiter staffing agency jobs again. Without pride in my ability to either match the funny in the show or exceed it in my own unique way. Hellbent on proving to myself, I’m not an entitled, delusional hack but a capable funny man scribe slinger on the rise. Who belonged in the WGA in Rape Wood after all.
Without pride, I don’t take the next step and have my friend Jay in LA share my script with Glen Howerton. Who plays Dennis in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. For some reason Dennis wasn’t being invited to Adam Sandler’s basketball games in Malibu or to Gary Shandling’s hoop gatherings with David Duchovny and Greg Kinnear up in the Hollywood Hills just yet. As a result, Dennis from Always Sunny, only 2 seasons back then, ended up playing pickup basketball games with my friend Jay and his younger brother’s Persian friends in the Sinai Temple gym on Wilshire Blvd instead. Believe it or not Dennis went out of his way to kiss my friend Jay’s ass over letting him play in their little horseshit pick-up basketball game. Outside of Jay playing in the Maccabi Games, the Jewish Olympics. Nobody from the Persian nation had game. Scoring employee discounts from working at Armani Exchange the summer after college, doesn’t count. Dennis took the script from my friend Jay but never came back to play ball at Sinai again. My friends back east thought Dennis jacked the episode idea. I was flattered. He didn’t. But without taking pride in my writing, despite my own mother telling me months later, she didn’t respect my decision to pursue a career in comedy. I never would’ve been in striking distance to go for knockout shot.

Without pride, I never would’ve never taken on the open mike at Bar 4 again in Park Slope 3 months after I died on stage there. Pride motivated me to dig deep, write more jokes, do more mikes and go after the Bocce ball playing hipster hacks in attendance for my triumphant comeback return. It was a packed room and I killed. Killing on stage is still the best feeling in the world, I know. I get why Roseanne was ballsy enough to admit killing on Carson was a happier moment than the birth of her own children. After my killer set I pas a hippie in a Dead Head shirt I chatted with earlier. His eyes dance in the dark as he says. “You’re my hero.” At this moment, I assumed I wasn’t the only Dead Head in attendance. Who thought the Indie music rock which infiltrated Brooklyn around 2004 as a whole sounded like hushed, garbled, folk rock for hobbit massage parlors.
I don’t hit on my wife on Barry Diller’s balcony overlooking Central Park without funny man pride on my side. I was doing ad sales for CitySearch and had no business being on Barry Diller’s balcony in the 1st place. Mr. Burns from the Simpsons is based on Barry Diller’s mogul persona, allegedly. Which isn’t the most flattering portrayal of the man who greenlit the Simpsons, Married With Children and In Living Color as the head programming mogul at Fox. Diller also signed Andrew Dice Clay to a 3-picture movie Deal with Fox but had to buy out his contract after all the protesting from woman’s activist groups over the release of Dice’s big movie premiere, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane. Dice just stared as Lady Gaga’s doting, Limo driver dad in a Star is Born. So, he’s no longer such a comic clown monster after all. But by boss at City-Search liked me so he invited me to Barry Diller’s after work party on his balcony 40 stories above Carnegie Hall. At this time, Barry Diller was running IAC, which was a collection of internet companies he purchased such as Citysearch, Expedia and Ask Jeeves which was a poor man’s Google. Despite the rich man’s butler logo branding on it. When I met my future wife on Barry Diller’s balcony, I was developing my 1st Family Guy spec script. Just to be clear, a spec script, is an unproduced sample episode of your own making, nothing more, nothing less. Spec scripts or TV pilot episodes of your own making are your portfolio samples used in the Biz to help you can an agent and ultimately staffed on a TV show on network or cable TV.

Weeks earlier, before I met Natalia, my future wife, on the balcony of Barry Diller’s Tower of Love on Broadway, I was still dating this older yet petite Pilipino gal. She asks. “What’s going to make you happy?” I reply. “Writing a Family Guy.” Understand, I got a job now doing new business development for Citysearch in Manhattan. Sure, my territory was Philly. They paid for my Amtrak trips, wasn’t complaining. Sure, I was living at home again because I was so broke my Hebrew name was under judicial review. But I could’ve had 5000 grand in the bank and my own studio apartment in the East Village on St. Marks at the time. I still would’ve been miserable because my pride prevented me from mediocrity, from becoming an average nobody. Pride drove me to write a Family Guy spec because it challenged my comedy ego. Similar to when I forced myself to bang out specs for Curb, American Dad, Louie, Eastbound and Down and most recently Silicon Valley. Pride at this moment in time drove me to will my Family Guy spec into existence despite never even attempting to write a spec for any animated show prior.

So, when I met my future wife on Barry Diller’s balcony because she was working an Executive Assistant for his VP in charge of Mergers and Acquisitions. She told her boss to pass on My Space. I invite my future wife downtown for a drink in Tribeca. Now during our August stroll in downtown Manhattan on Cobblestone streets, I had a Family Guy script in progress to discuss with her. Plus, I was able to emote about how I was finally able to score some laughs at open mikes in Manhattan after bombing for a whole straight year in LA. Without pride in my comedy writing development, I would’ve had nothing interesting to share with Natalia when we met besides me working on hitting my quota at Citysearch. Without pride, I couldn’t have delivered a B- joke about how Citysearch is the number city guide in Manhattan, primarily used by gay men. To search who in New York City along Christopher Street gives the best facials. My joke writing has evolved since obviously.
Pride has provided me with more life affirming victories than ego deflated injury. Does it suck to get fired in Corporate America? Yes, but you become desensitized the more it happens like being indirectly called a moron for trusting the business instincts of a President working for free. Who revitalized the Wollman Rink in Central Park. Donating its profits to many charities such as the one for gay men groups during the Aids epidemic in 80’s. When other jealous resistor baby boomers were making a living back then selling jars to Potomka Pickles, no offense Dad.
Roman Emperor philosopher Marcus Aurelius was correct. “The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.” In my case, the him, whose done more harm than good, isn’t pride but my Vanity Vagina. My Vanity Vagina is my spoiled, oversensitive diva inside. Who makes it impossible to hide her disdain for jobs she hates on her face. Vanity Vagina will play the part she’s paid for. But lose her zest for pretending to give a shit 4 months into the job as usual. Before working on her own side projects to prove how much better she is than her current job lot in life like Laura Dern in Mike White’s show Enlightened on HBO. Despite my Vanity Vagina never holding a position of power prior with direct reports in the form of an even assistant to screen my calls either.
Becoming a father of 3, 2 being unplanned has helped keep Vanity Vagina from becoming a self-destructive c word again for the most part. But the thing is, when you become a father of 3 kids, you become 3 times more sensitive to insults and shows of disrespect. I’ve applied for a wide range of jobs since baby Samuel was born, even dreaded agency IT recruiter positions again. So I could prove to my wife, I’ve got Vanity Vagina under control this time. Still, no interviews since I fucked up the one promising one, I had going with IBM which I created out of nothing.

The job wasn’t very defined, it involved digital marketing. It was my understanding, IBM was looking for some much needed edge to make IBM come across as not your dad’s IBM anymore. My expression for the record. So, I sent not just my recruiter there some unasked for jokes but to every head of HR at IBM through email addresses I acquired from Fox Hunter.com. All these jokes got mad love on Twitter by geeks everywhere. I freaked out IBM big time with this unasked for material. My thinking was too different, too edgy and way too in their face. Vanity Vagina couldn’t understand what was taking IBM so long to schedule a follow up face to face interview after my 1st phone interview went so well. I must have scored at least 12 laugh out louds during my 1 hour phone interview alone. So, I bombarded the entirety of the HR at IBM with the totality of my humor pushed upon material because Vanity Vagina is an oversensitive, career sabotaging bitch. End of story, oh!

Kayne West says “The best form of revenge is success.” So if I can manage to go through life before I’m six feet under without reverting into Vanity Vagina again, I can die a resounding success. Knowing, I conquered my main root of bad karma contamination.
Pride is on my side, not Vanity Vagina. Pride is on my side because it takes pleasure in a job well done. It take pleasure in what rave reviews my 3 kids haven gotten so far due to my involved parenting on the stay at home comedian dad front. Pride is on my side because it takes pleasure in weathering 2 winters and 2 summers back to back with no grandparent babysitting assistance whatsoever. Pride is on my side because it helped me produce 57 podcast episodes in a less than a year. Resulting in 70 hours worth of A minus comedy material. John Lennon wishes he was this productive during his stay at home dad years. On nights mama works at the hospital. Pride is on my side when my baby boy Samuel tucks himself into our bed at night as we listen to my podcast on my smartphone by my bedside.

The End

By,
Michael Kornbluth