Chapter 28 You Can’t Fake Chemistry

Chapter 28

You Can’t Fake Chemistry

Joshua never cared for Scientists too much. When he dozed 2 minutes into the Making Of The Dark Universe at the Museum of Natural History, his daughter Matilda whacked him in the rib with her forearm hard with menacing disgust, prompting her Do It All Dad to yell in his defense, “God only made Neil deGrasse Tyson interesting in 2 minute bursts at a time, all right.” Albert Einstein helped make the Atom bomb, which put an official end to World War 2. The “Big One” also resulted in make out moments galore along the Canyon of Heroes on Broadway, honoring America’s greatest generation and our last large scale, big deal military victory against a formidable foreign power, cranked up on Crystal Meth, pre-fake news and the era of HBO becoming must see TV for more resistor hued, Nazi revisionist, fictional TV series fare because she lost despite getting the debate questions in advance. So Joshua didn’t hate scientists all together.

Atheist know it all twats like Stephen Hawking, didn’t make Joshua warm up to bean breath British physicists either. But Obama gave Stephen Hawking the Presidential Medal Of Freedom despite the award being the highest American civilian honor possible. So Joshua must possess a very low opinion of star fuckers from Kenya, I guess. But what really turned off Joshua from scientists besides the computer ones who worked for IBM to develop technology, which made it easier for the Nazi’s to identity his European Jewish ancestors before they were shipped off to death camps, was the dweeb brewer of Six Point Brewery in Red Hook, Brooklyn. Who during the tour of his brewery, touted himself as the improv chemist genius of hoppy amalgam fermentation. But back to IBM for a second. Joshua lived in Croton Falls, NY with his wife Anna and 3 kids, who would’ve been thrown into the gas chambers in Auschwitz, so knowing IBM had a major R&D facility in nearby Somers, NY, he was quick to point out IBM’s Nazi profiteering past, at the local brew bar upstairs at Italian grocery store DeCicco’s, if he overheard some IT folk talk about programming or coding of any kind and impose his material on them, regardless if they were engaged in a dialogue prior or not. Joshua says, “Hey guys, this is my impression of a Computer Scientist at IBM testing the artificial intelligence of Watson the Super Computer, who won at Jeopardy. Hey Watson, are you aware of being named after the scientist Dr. Watson, who developed technology for the Nazis, who made it easier for the Kraut breaths to identify Jews being shipped off on trains to slaughter? Watson compute replies, “No shit Sherlock.” But if you didn’t know that, you probably didn’t know Hitler had a framed picture of Henry Ford on his desk, despite the Model T, being a poor man’s Mercedes Benz, Hitler’s preferred drive by car of choice.”

Climate Scientists alarmists trying to give his 3 children eco anxiety didn’t inspire Joshua to embrace the scientific community at large either. On Joshua’s debut comedy record, Resist This, he did a bit about imagining a debate on climate change between Trump and Greta Thunburg, which any NPR devotee believer would have a psychotic meltdown over, his wife included, in a NY Minute. In the bit Trump says, “Fracking reduces our carbon emissions Greta.” Greta says, “So Neil Young is full of shit now? Trump replies, “Neil Young doesn’t take showers to reduce his carbon footprint. So, that much you share in common babe.”

Again, Joshua was waiting to meet with the Rabbi’s highly touted, master brewer brother Schmendel but this time it was at the DBGB Kitchen & Bar, on the corner of Bowery and Houston, which is easily confused with the CBGB bar of yesteryear, when model turned singer songwriter, ambient rocker Debbie Harry pleaded on stage, to her latest hunk on a stick, “Call me”, pre-smart phones and Steve Jobs inventing nothing but casual Friday. One time, Joshua’s kids discovered a gift from Mama for Dada, including a pile of cue cards with typed written notes and heart and froggy stickers placed on them throughout, including loving homages in his honor such as, “I love the depth of your soul.” I love the way I can’t imagine a day without you in my life.” “I love how you kiss blondie.” After Joshua’s 9-year-old daughter discovered this card in particular, she asks her dear Dada, “Who’s Blondie Dada?” Dada replies, “Easier on the eyes than the Ramones, next question.”

Schmendel makes eye contact with Joshua at the bar, sporting the Hassidic beard, a Kippah and a rocking Faconnable bomber, black leather jacket. “Joshua get’s up from his bar seat, “Schmendel, it’s a pleasure to meet you.” Schmendel says, “Thank God, another too tall Jew exists besides me.” Joshua says, “Growing up my Jewish father from the Bronx would always kvetch, “Joshua, why can’t you have taller friends?” And I’m thinking, because all of them Jewish or Japanese American. Plus, you didn’t ship me off for 3 whole months every summer to a big man basketball camp in Zaire.” Schmendel says, “What beer are you drinking? “Joshua says, “I like to try local beers, because I’m obsessed with freshness, so I went with some IPA from Queens. But can we stop calling Queens hot? Compared to Manhattan and Brooklyn, Queens is the sloppy 3rd Kardashian sister. You know the extra greasy one, whose actually OJ’s daughter. Who’s easy to pound at 3 in the morning like a lamb gyro in Astoria. And I don’t buy the fact Bruce Jenner when married to Kris Jenner was asexual. But I’m positive, Bruce stayed harder longer, after he convinced his wife Kris Jenner to cut her hair short, so she’d look more like a dolled-up Ralph Macchio. And if I see Transgender Father’s Day trend on Twitter one more time, I’m breaking my Chic-Fil-A strike for good. Either you’re involved father or you’re not Nipple Tits. Getting shafted shouldn’t be such a shock to your system anymore either.” Schmendel finishes laughing, “You don’t have many friends do you?”, Schmendel says. Joshua laughs, “The majority of my old ones are gone, that’s correct Schmendel. Apparently, certain fake news friends who only like you when they can feel smug superior, east coast elitist in comparison.” Schmendel says, “Join the club. You can’t be a self-loving, Trump supporting, funny many Jew in New York these days, without being looked down upon like some blissfully ignorant, uninformed degenerate, deplorable of Jew of the lowest order.” Joshua says, “So your parents hate you more than ever to? Join the club. So, I need a mock cheese wiz for my Do It All Dad Hero Kosher Cheesesteak Truck. Can you help me? I know you’re a master brewer, but I figured your background in organic chem, food sciences and microbiology at John Hopkins University, could figure out a killer recipe in no time. I’ve been stalking on you LinkedIn in case you’re wondering. It’s my old school IT recruitment agency background shining through.” I can still help you come up with a killer viral campaign for your great, American Jewish Pale Ale in exchange.” Schmendel says, “Joshua take it easy. You had me at mock cheese wiz for my Do It All Dad Hero kosher Cheesesteak Truck. I’m a father of 7 myself.” Joshua says, “And I thought I was stuck up shits creek without a paddle.” Joshua orders an IPA for his Jewish brother in arms and raises his glass for a toast, “To meant to be chemistry, L’Chaim.”

Lebron James Sticking to Politics

I’m convinced Lebron James got the idea to sport a fake news cast during the NBA playoffs from Michelle Obama. After she threatened, to break her arm in Obama’s ass, next time he dared to offer Beyoncé a glass of Paul Newman’s Lemonade over a batch of her homemade Kombucha.

I loved the NBA when it didn’t exist as a safe space for Lebron James ego.  Refs are scared of calling traveling on Lebron James because they don’t want to be accused of oppressive, racial profiling during game 7 in the NBA finals against the Boston Celtics. Ref Duffy says. Relax king of the persecution complex. I just called traveling on you. Stop acting like a threw you up against a wall for being out past lights on Newbury Street.

If Lebron James loses to the Clippers this year. Will Obama console himself by digging into his secret stash of Almond Joys in the garage behind a box of duct tape from Costco? Joan lives.

If Obama is such a baller at basketball, then why did he ride the bench at an all Asian private school in Hawaii?

Lebron admits to liking Enemim now because he’s a never Trumper rapper resistor. Trump’s a Nazi bro. Actually, when Trump bought Mara A Lago, he immediately, lifted the permanent ban on Jewish membership Slim on Facts Shady.

This is Eminem and Dre discussing the merger between Microsoft and LinkedIn. Dre says. Hey, slim Microsoft paid 4.7 billion dollars for LinkedIn. Worrrrrrrrrrrrrd. LinkedIn is lamer than ever yoh.

But Lebron is boys with Snoop Dog also, which makes him a class act through association, knowing Snoop’s dog hovers a notch above porn hood hell.

His boy Jay Z say he didn’t stand for the national anthem because he was protesting Demi Lovato brutalizing the national anthem, sounding too much like a white privileged Alabama Shakes in the process.  Meanwhile, the Queen of England is at home in Buckingham palace watching Beyoncé sitting her ass out for the National Anthem also, thinking, “I thought Meghan Markle was a royal pain in the ass.” For trying to hock Princess Diana’s ballerina slippers on eBay after Michelle Obama stretched them out beyond repair.

Lebron doesn’t want NBA owners who pay his salary, to be called owners because he isn’t a player owner like Michael Jordan yet. Nor is he talented enough like Magic to make HIV disappear.

A new rumor is Lebron James might run for President of the Unites States. What’s going to be King James’s campaign slogan? Free college for student athletes. Wait a minute that already exists.  That’s right, King James will offer free college for all dreamers if they let him patent Taco Tuesday already.

Lebron’s already stood for the Chinese national anthem and instructed his Laker team to sit out the anthem.  That’s right, he’s protesting police brutality compared to mowing down monks in tanks and criminal justice reform his boy Jigga played zero role in erecting, despite his past cracking selling years, responsible for sending hundreds if not thousands of young black babies into premature hell.

Lebron’ wants to become President of The United States so bad, just so he could tell Laura Ingraham to stick to being a less ghoulish Ann Coulter.

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Do It All Dad Does Manhattan

Jerry Seinfeld just auctioned off one of his vintage Porsches for charity. I hope half those proceeds went to Larry’s kids.

Is it me or does Robert Dinero on the View these days, look like Betsy Ross falling apart at the seams?

If Google doesn’t manipulate search results, then why is harder to find positive mentions of Trump on Google than finding a film blogger on Rotten Tomatoes who called the Irishman underrated?

Facebook has made Baby Boomer the laziest grandparent generation of all time. Lifting a finger is liking a picture on Facebook.

Kendrick Lamer won the Pulitzer Prize because Obama got the Nobel Peace Prize for rebranding ISIS, ISIL, so they’d sound more start up friendly in the NY Times.

Why is Radical Islam so into deflowering virgins? Doesn’t Radical Islam have enough blood on their hands already?

One kid only means your diaphragm is for walls after all.

3 unplanned kids later, I never mastered the art of the pump fake. I’m scared of getting a vasectomy because I don’t want my ball sack to feel like Edward Scissorhands face.

Did you know there is a Planned Parenthood in the middle of NYU? You’d think sticking to anal, fellatio or the morning after pill wasn’t beyond Freshman orientation comprehension yet? So much for NYU raising the requirements since Debra Messing got in.

Planned Parenthood is in the sex ed book business now like the graphic sex book In case You’re Curious for sexually confused hipster spawn reared on Lou Reed Records.

I went to Ithaca college myself, otherwise known as Cornell’s retarded next-door neighbor. But I could spoke strong Tompkins County outdoor and stutter every other 2 seconds because I was in distinguished Roy H. Park School of Communications.

CEO of Disney Bob Iger went to Ithaca. This is Oprah trying to talk him into running for President. You’ll defend your decision to fire Roseanne, despite Valarie Jarret, the main author the nuke gifting Iran deal being Obama’s live in Arabian Horse Whisperer.

I should’ve subbed my whiny, no show Jewish Grandma for a wise Black Grandma at my wedding. Post an ad on Craig’s List, Tyler Perry impersonators are welcome. Must be comfortable performing in front of white audiences only.

How does Farrakhan celebrate Holocaust remembrance Day? Bombard Benjamin Netanyahu Twitter Feed with termite emojis from dawn till night? Hashtag, But Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansen are alright.

This is me preparing my son on how to avoid any anti-Semitic backlash at school before winter break this year. So, when you play dreidel with your non-Jewish classmates, don’t say Gimmel means give me all your money because we control the Federal Reserve and all the banks in the North Pole to.

When my daughter was only 2 and can only string 2 words together. We’d do a routine at the bodega in Astoria. I’d say, Matilda what did Tyson Chandler give the Knicks. And she’d say, boopkus, Dada, boopkus.

God didn’t give me 3 unplanned kids to have a panic over it, although my daughter gave me fits of despair this question barely out of the womb. So, Dada, if God created the universe, who created God. Um, God went back in time in a Time Machine made my Elon Musk. Real Convincing Dad. Thanks for making me an Atheist at 4.

I freaked out during a Christmas party when my daughter was only 3 because my wife’s friend got my daughter a pair of fairy wings. I told her friend, “Get the fairy wings off my daughter now. Knowing mama’s side trance background, she looks like an overdose at the Limelight waiting to happen.

Side note, fuck China. Chinese made Fentanyl has killed more crackers in this country than Lena Dunham kicking with Taylor Swift on Instagram.

The first concert I took my daughter to see was a Grateful Dead days after her 2nd birthday. Daughter points at a dinged-up hippie sucking down a nitrous balloon and says birthday. I say, no Matilda, burn out day.

This is Ziggy Marley being interviewed by High Times Magazine. Your dad Bob at 5 kids. I thought ganja drained your life blaster dry. Fake news man.

Took my daughter to see Billy Joel at MSG for her 5th birthday. Mom freaks out, saying make sure my granddaughter wears earplugs. I tell her, relax mom. I’m taking her to see Metallica. Plus, Billy Joel music still sounds like rocking lullaby music for eighties republicans.

Her younger brother suffers motor mouth disease like her dad. At Pre-K they got concerned about his ability to make friends because he’s hard to understand. I told my son. Like Dale Carnegie says in How to Win Friends and Influence people. Fake an interest in other people as long as humanly possible.

I also told him he’s not leaving the house for Junior high unless his backpack is stuffed with pre-poundage consent forms.

How do you solve sexual harassment at work today? Only hire a remove work force. And start every Skype meeting with. Raise your hands up I where I can see them.

My youngest boy Samuel, Chosen Curls was bound to woo. Some random Italian grandma will stop him at Stop and Shop and says. When you get older, you’ll have 3 girlfriends to juggle. I say. No offense lady, but James Woods had this kid’s face. Your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.

Despite my mom converting, my dad never allowed my mom a Christmas Tree, insisting, son Jews don’t buy Christmas Trees, unless they convert into a tree house and flip it for a profit.

My mom is originally from Kentucky, which is more like Midwest south. Where finger food is anything that tastes like your cousin’s panties. Growing my mom says, son Kentucky is known for 2 things, horses and pretty woman. And I respond with, mom keep your sundress on before you tell me Dad is hung like Seabiscuit.

Has Minnesota rep, Baby Face Omar, acknowledged the anniversary of Amy Winehouse’s death as something happened? To a horn hiding, Benjamin hording, oppressive imperialist, who exploited the great, Palestinian Song Book for all it was worth.

And enough with Israeli aggression. If you fire 700 rockets into Israel’s backyard Hamas. Don’t expect an edible gift basket in return with a thank you note written in Farsi.

If I see Transgender father’s day trend on Twitter one more time, I’m breaking my chic filet strike for good. Either you’re an involved father or you’re not Nipple Tits. Also, feeling shafted shouldn’t be a new experience in your life either.

This if Jefferey Tambour in his trailer after learning one of his Trans Co-star pissed on his toilet seat. Real lady like, now get out of my trailer. You butchy bitch, hey now.

Did you know the majority of Americans think Obama was a better President than Lincoln yet I don’t see George Washington giving Iran 150 billion dollars for overseas manufacturing jobs for Build a Bear, to make their economy less reliant on the sale of hair removal products for the Kardashians.

Kim Kardashian is studying to become a Criminal Justice Lawyer. Criminal Justice Lawyers are so hot right now.

Bruce Jenner wasn’t asexual married to Kris Jenner. But I bet Bruce back then stayed harder longer after he got his wife Kris cut her hair, looking more like a dolled-up Ralph Macchio.

Kris Jenner hates all the attention Caitlyn Jenner steals away from her because of her tits sagging popularity.

Memo to displaced hipster who can’t afford to live in Manhattan or Brooklyn anymore. Stop, saying Queens is hot, it’s not. Compared to Manhattan and Brooklyn, Queens is the sloppy 3rd Kardashian sister. The extra greasy one, who’s easy to pound at 3 in the morning like a lamb gyro in Astoria.

Ban ICE, makes sense don’t you think New York? Because homeland security was so Weapons of Mass Destruction years.

Did you know in New York City you can be fined 250 thousand dollars for using dehumanizing language on an illegal alien such as, No speak English.” Whose translating these insults for Juan exactly? Now, in New York City, an illegal alien can get a driver license to vote and a hate speech translator to bankrupt Apu, in a bodega in Flushing.

I wish LaVar Ball was sub coach dad growing up because he’s made sure I lost my virginity before my younger brother did. So, I’d feel like a bigger baller inside and stop prancing down the court on my tippy toes, looking like I was in high heels instead of high tops, yelling from the sideline. “We’re trying to sell Baller Wear son, not Jimmy Choo’s.”

LaVar Ball as my sub coach dad would throw me house parties for games of spin the bottle at home and only invite stuck Jenny from the Block. He yells in Stuck Up Jenny’s ear. The Yoo-hoo Bottle doesn’t spin itself bitch.

Russell Simmons off the record with Oprah. Oprah read my lisp. I didn’t rape any of those vengeful, over the hill hoes.

Who told Samuel Jackson it was cool to start dressing like Spike Lee’s Grandma? Who identifies as a jazz critic descendant of Sony Rollins in Tyler Perry’s new film, the Uppity Cunt.

Have they taken down the Rocky statue yet? Because it promotes white supremacy.

Bill Burr says, he doesn’t see anybody beating Trump in 2020. That’s like saying, Louie will never have to wait to do an impromptu set at the Comedy Cellar, wearing nothing but sunglasses, a trench coat and Sarah Silverman’s hoody to wipe up with.

Did you know Woody Allen used to stuff his top sock drawer with naked polaroids of his nine-year adopted daughter Soon Yi. The only thing missing was a picture of her on Time Life Magazine.

I did love Woody Allen’s last film, about some a super old dude who bangs some underage girl, it was a prequel, called, Crimes and Misdemeanors the early years.

If Ronan Farrow is really Frank Sinatra’s son, not Woody Allen’s. Then, why hasn’t paid off a goon to knock Woody Allen on his ass yet. But hanging out with Jefferey Epstein is good luck though. Granted, Woody Allen isn’t known for advertising pedo installation artwork like the Podesta brothers, which is enough to make Marilyn Manson blush

Our state of the union is like Stephen Colbert’s handle on funny these days, shaky. Too bad Bill O’Reily is no longer important enough to impersonate. At least, Bill O’ Reilly gave Colbert, gravitas.

Jimmy Fallon’s writers hate because when he tried to rub his hair off on the Tonight Show, a real skinhead didn’t emerge.

Make Nazi Germany great again wasn’t his campaign slogan Michael Rappaport. Too bad, Louie can’t write you another annoying NY asshole to play in such convincing fashion.

Did you know Lena Dunham was Hillary Hammer Time Cankles, social media manager? Only Lena Dunham could Huma Licker Breath, less likable and relatable in one blubbery swoop.

In related news, Kevin Durant chose to sign with the Brooklyn net because he wanted to be the voice of the millennial musketeer generation.

Hillary giving a speech on cybersecurity is like Kevin Durant getting paid for a speech on how to combat online bullying.

Hillary claims Trump is obsessed with her because he’s an illegitimate president. I thought Hillary Hammer Time Cankles lost at becoming President twice, because she’s an unhuggable cunt, alcoholic deplorable, who failed to sell 64 million branded racists, on why baby boomer mom knows best, my bad.

Harvey Weinstein is now an officially convicted rapist. His wife left him before the jury verdict to focus on her lifetime battle with amnesia.

Still, Ashley Judd isn’t a real victim of rape. Ooh, she balked at watching Harvey shower himself down in his 5-star suite at the 4 Seasons. Granted, Ashley Judd being from Kentucky, has plenty of experience judging fat pigs at the country fair.

I also don’t believe Kristaps Porzingis was guilty of trying the neighbor in his apartment complex, the day her tore his ACL. First, going strong to hole isn’t KP’s forte. Last, Harvey Weinstein isn’t trying to rape Wonder woman, played by Gal Gadot on only one good leg.

Imagine Thanksgiving at the Obama’s this year. Malia, you barely touched your Tofurky. Daddy, all my woke friends at school don’t understand why you let me intern for Harvey Weinstein. Obama replies. Michelle was your chaperon on set. And that fat Jew couldn’t pin down Michelle if he tried. Can I get holla for more than fair Obama blast for ages Challah?

Also, if Michelle Obama were run for President to become the closer to finish off Bernie Sanders. What would her campaign slogan be? Obama’s 5 O Clock Shadow part 2. Joan lives.

They say, woman’s soccer gold medalist, Megan Rapinoe might even run for President. What would her campaign slogan be? Obama bring back the L Word to Netflix. You’re only hope.

In related news, the Ellen show is looking for Digital Marketing Manager according to LinkedIn. What are the must have skills for the role? Besides, being pro Bush.

Did you know Mayor Bill DeBlasio’s wife was a full-blown Park Slope lesbo when they met? But we’re supposed to believe Garlic Breath converted her? Big Bird eats pizza with a fork and knife. So, do you really see putz face burying his beak into her bean pie with such sloppy abandon? It sounds like a plausible theory to digest.

This is me discussing Aids with my 9-year-old daughter prematurely. President Trump used his profits from the Wollman Rink in Central Park for Aids gay groups. Daughter asks. What’s Aids Daddy? I say. A reason to become a lesbian. You can take a licking and keep on ticking.

What I love about President Trump besides making ball busting great again, is his relentless optimism and over the top salesmanship. If President Trump, still your president got diagnosed with HIV today. He’d tweet the next morning. Do I have HIV? Yes, but my t-cell count numbers have never been stronger.

Resist this.

Thank you.

Michael Kornbluth

You’re Fired Pelosi

Wouldn’t it be great if Trump started acting like he fired Nancy Pelosi.

Trump takes some questions from CNN before hopping on Air Force One to Mar A Lago.

What did you think of Nancy Pelosi tearing up your SOTU address?

Trump says . Didn’t I fire her already? She’ll be fine locked away in her wine cellar. Did I say wine cellar? I meant panic room, same thing.

Another journalist says. You can’t fire Nancy Pelosi Mr. President. This isn’t a reality TV show.

Trump clarifies. Relax, Nancy will find something else to do with her time. Like feeding the pigeons on the dock of the bay, forever ripped on overpriced beaujolais.

But Mr. President, if Nancy Pelosi is fired, why hasn’t the White House made an official announcement yet?

Trump says. Denture breath is constantly ripped, she won’t know the difference anyway. I wouldn’t keep her Orthodontist. Her dentures are looser than Stormy Daniel’s at 15. Too bad her cobra insurance won’t cover her electric shock treatment because she can’t write off her latest Trump Derangement Syndrome attack as a pre-existing condition before I started to make ball busting great again. Send Nancy my best from Mar A Lago. Maybe, she can get some voice over work with Pixar as one of the talking Helium balloons in Up. As her hope of one upping me flies away. Look, it’s a big, dumb bird, no it’s the floating House Of Representatives about to get crushed by a giant red wave because the old hag can’t stop behaving like a spoiled, trust fund, Millennial Mouseketeer baby. Denture Breath makes Hunter Biden come off as stoic. But Denture Breath can use me for a reference if anybody asks what’s she’s accomplished for 3 whole years. But don’t tell Nancy to expect a glowing recommendation from your favorite president forever. Because I fired her for gross, incompetence incapable of self-correcting behavior like Omarosa remember.

Michael Kornbluth

Use Your Kids Like Open Mikes

God gave men kids to provide social variety away from mama. So don’t be a lazy brain and half ass your attempt at winning your kid’s hearts with watching more Man City on the Teli around your kids or grandchildren because you’re such an informed, evolved history buff, especially when your kids are hard core American Dad Enthusiasts, if Child Services forced them to take a lie detector test, after Do It All Dad in Divorce Court, insists on fighting for 50 percent custody, after proclaiming in court defending himself like Lenny Bruce without the career, proclaiming, “American Dad is educational. How else will my children know W, married a librarian from Texas, who married into the Illuminati. Who still acts better than other first ladies like Melania or Hillary Hammer Time Cankles? At least Hillary tried to get rich or die trying bitch.

I read an article on Fatherly.com claiming Dads, normally not too involved, during their marriage, become more involved Dads with their kids after they get divorced because the wife is no longer facilitating the conversation at the dinner table. Personally, I’ve never had this problem, because I’m the loudmouth New Yorker, not her, who’s louder than Busta Rhymes at a midnight showing of Higher Learning. The Yankees win a playoff game last year. The next morning, I tell my daughter, “The Yankees won. ” She replies, “I heard.” You’re the reason New York City and all of Northern Westchester never sleeps. I’ll always cherish my sleepy father in law’s embrace my bombastic, ultra-chatty personality during my 1st sit down dinner with my girlfriend, now wife and a married couple I haven’t seen since. Halfway into me scoring a steady stream of laugh yanks from this married couple, my father in law blurts with annoyed disgust, “He talks more than the other one.” Meaning, the borderline mute finance my wife was planned to marry before we met, which I was never aware of till way after the fact for what’s worth. I don’t want prospective employers to think I’m a Mute Man Marriage Wrecker. “He talks more than the other one.” Translation, I live in Delaware away from Jew York for a reason. Give me an H1-B developer to conduct code review with, who needs subtitles in order to be understood, over having to spend one more sec around the charming New York Jew, whose making my lack of stage presence in comparison, become more pronounced depressing by the second. So much for my one meeting with my mental health specialist, resolving any latent anger resentment issues remaining.

The reality is, if I wasn’t a talker, none of my kids would’ve have recognized my voice out of the womb, and that would’ve been tragic for my children, when even mommy, admits the following about our lucky number three, “Baby Samuel gets bored when he spends too much time with me. ” Always knew the kid was the quick leaner. Can I get a holla for a big time raise the roof, the best is yet come, Challah? First time I came up with that expression to use on my Do It All Dad Year Podcast, my wife, huffs with extreme displeasure at the dinner table, insisting I was being 2 years into open mike stand-up comedy obscure, by trying to dumb dad shame me in front our 3 kids, stating, “What does that even mean? Can I get a holla for some Challah? It means can I get some props for a money, mo bread making line, babe.” My 3 kids didn’t have to understand the symbolic or literal extrapolated definition of my new rock-solid gold A Plus catchphrase in the making, because kids respond more to pumped up silly, than jaded, lifeless, droll troll verbosity.

One time, I gave my son a gentle hip toss on top of our bed, forgetting Art Show possess a bouncy ball spine, which sent Feather Foot flying off the bed inches away from smashing his head into the dresser from the sheer powerful bounce off the bed. Earlier tonight, he came into say hello when I was writing and I asked him he he wanted an elevator lift drop, but before lifting him up high , I give a voice to his own internal thoughts and say, “Daddy, don’t get carried away, with your elevator lift drop, I still have a bouncy ball stuck in my spine remember?” And my pitch perfect son laughs long time again. But if I wasn’t constantly talking around my son inside the womb and out, or using humor to help diffuse potentially traumatic, accidental dramatic situations, my children would suffer from anxiety like Kevin Love, despite him being NBA royalty, banging everything that moved at UCLA I’m assuming, owning an NBA ring, and never shamed for forgetting Lebron’s elaborate, inner sanctum, safe space, frat boy conjuring hand slap dances on the TNT.

Do you need to be a laugh hog in order to be a good parent? No, but you better recognize the importance of bringing the funny old man, or else, your kids will tune into mama, like the dronish, Scarlett Johansson in the movie Divorced, and she never struck me as a lightening rod of electric conversational might, AI, enhanced in her, in Her or if she’s the beneficiary of a Woody Allen punched up personality during his Scarlet Johansson phase or not. What was Woody’s new film supposed to be about again? Let me guess, some old creep who bangs a teenager again, called, Crimes and Misdemeanors, the Early Years. He took Kodak pictures of Sun Yee, only to stuff them in his top sock drawer, for safe keeping. The only thing missing was an old copy of Sun Yee on the cover of Time Life Magazine.

Does Soon Yee even have vocal cords? So, what’s my point? Boring kids is bad parenting. And F empathy, just be funnier old man. Your kids or grandkids fading interest in your company depends on it. Use your kids as open mikes, take creative chances, add levity to the situation instead of freaking out in disproportion to your kid spilling a drink at the dinner table. In Iran, they throw gays off roof tops after castration, so I’d say, we let our kid’s off light because the Media will be freaking out regardless anyway. Because our kids learn to laugh at our mistakes, in addition to American comedy exceptionalism, not on Al Jazeera or detected on Late Night with Stephen Colbert these days, whose command of funny these days, is like the state of our union, shaky.

I don’t want to be best supporting dad. That’s like winning best side bitch. Dads today are expected to do more than just get their wives pregnant every other 2 years, planned or not. So, try bossing through clowning around your kids more. It works, and don’t overuse your yelling voice or your kid won’t be able to distinguish you from CNN. Act like you’re genuinely excited to make your children happy, relying own your personality and imagination, instead of outsourcing their children’s entertainment to Baby Yoda and the mope maligned, Millennial Mouseketeer Darth Vader, the most petulant, annoying, grandson addition to an ex iconic franchise, I could give to BB 8 shits about.

Boring kids is bad parenting. You act like you want nothing to do with your only divorced daughter. You want to act like date night every Friday night is so much important than making sure she’s dealing with her new half baby brother, removing any remaining spotlight in her honor away from her, with your new wife, fine. No wonder I can feel the embedded jealousy, as I lift my son for an ariel double decker knee nosh sandwich for the road.

Social Justice is Dad proving he’s got the tools necessary to outshine scary mommy on the big stage, if he cares about about being more than mama’s side bitch underling forever. I’m very proud of raising kids who respect and recognize funny. There’s actual hope Do It All Dad Nation, for you to reclaim your status as the leading in-house star attraction of your house. It’s our last safe space for politically incorrect humor. Be a family man clown hero for your kids. Do you want your best friend to be the final speaker for your eulogy? I’d rather have my 1st born daughter, close the ceremony and own the room and start with, “Thanks for the laughs Daddy. Good luck trying to tune out my Dad out now God. You thought Joan Rivers sounds like a loudmouth on the rag. I just hope daddy opens with proven material and doesn’t wing it, unless he wants the challenge of coming back to life after dying the moment, he broke on through to the other side, where only the lady laugh lover clowns roam.”