Not My Daughter’s Role Model

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
2 time loser, alcoholic deplorable. Who stole China from the White House on her way out the door. Am I close yet?

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
Do you know who Tony Podesta is?
He has enough painting with kids in bondage to make Marilyn Manson blush.

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
Rapist enabler, Russian Dossier Financier, best selling Voodoo Doll in Haiti year after year.

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
Do you know what spirit cooking is? Hillary’s campaign adviser John Podesta does. What, blame WikiLeaks, not me.

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
The real bully who stole the Democratic nomination from fake news socialist Bernie Sanders. I know who Seth Rich was. Do you?

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
I know you can’t name one good thing she accomplished.
And stealing the DNC nomination from Bernie Sanders doesn’t count.

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
I don’t look up to cheaters. Ever heard of Jeffrey Epstein? He’s like the Jewish Sandusky. Well, Epstein is tight will Bill alright.

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
A slacker Presidential candidate. Who got out hustled, outclassed and out-messaged by Donald J. Trump. Am I close yet?

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
She’d said we’d all hang if Trump wins. But don’t stop believing in impeachment miracles on my behalf.

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
The Anti-Christ. Don’t worry, Jesus defeats the Anti-Christ. So, keep the faith in the Jesus comeback story resistor.

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
You mean the wicked witch of the east? Who cheated at the debate with Trump by getting the questions in advance.

INT. HOME
Daughter stares at her Chanukah book gift titled Rebel Girls.
Fiance
Do you know who Hillary is?
Daughter
You mean Hillary Hammer Time Cankles?
The treacherous bitch who sold our uranium to Russia.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

Pride On My Side

“The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.”
Marcus Aurelius

Pride has nothing to hide like Kayne’s MAGA hat, Taylor Swift’s lick it up lollipop stick legs or Joe Rogan’s defense of intellectual joke property theft from Carlos Mencia. The only problem I have with pride, is when my pride morphs into full blown conceited vanity. Because it’s never a good look using your IT recruitment agency office to xerox copies of your It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia spec script, “The Gang Gets Outsourced.” No matter how funny or creatively jacked you proclaim it to be. Still, pride prevents mediocrity. And I never would’ve dared to attempt banging out an Always Sunny spec script between IT recruiter staffing agency jobs again. Without pride in my ability to either match the funny in the show or exceed it in my own unique way. Hellbent on proving to myself, I’m not an entitled, delusional hack but a capable funny man scribe slinger on the rise. Who belonged in the WGA in Rape Wood after all.
Without pride, I don’t take the next step and have my friend Jay in LA share my script with Glen Howerton. Who plays Dennis in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. For some reason Dennis wasn’t being invited to Adam Sandler’s basketball games in Malibu or to Gary Shandling’s hoop gatherings with David Duchovny and Greg Kinnear up in the Hollywood Hills just yet. As a result, Dennis from Always Sunny, only 2 seasons back then, ended up playing pickup basketball games with my friend Jay and his younger brother’s Persian friends in the Sinai Temple gym on Wilshire Blvd instead. Believe it or not Dennis went out of his way to kiss my friend Jay’s ass over letting him play in their little horseshit pick-up basketball game. Outside of Jay playing in the Maccabi Games, the Jewish Olympics. Nobody from the Persian nation had game. Scoring employee discounts from working at Armani Exchange the summer after college, doesn’t count. Dennis took the script from my friend Jay but never came back to play ball at Sinai again. My friends back east thought Dennis jacked the episode idea. I was flattered. He didn’t. But without taking pride in my writing, despite my own mother telling me months later, she didn’t respect my decision to pursue a career in comedy. I never would’ve been in striking distance to go for knockout shot.

Without pride, I never would’ve never taken on the open mike at Bar 4 again in Park Slope 3 months after I died on stage there.  Pride motivated me to dig deep, write more jokes, do more mikes and go after the Bocce ball playing hipster hacks in attendance for my triumphant comeback return. It was a packed room and I killed. Killing on stage is still the best feeling in the world, I know.  I  get why Roseanne was ballsy enough to admit killing on Carson was a happier moment than the birth of her own children. After my killer set I pas  a hippie in a Dead Head shirt I chatted with earlier. His eyes dance in dark as he says. “You’re my hero.” At this moment, I assumed I wasn’t the only Dead Head in attendance. Who thought the Indie music rock which infiltrated Brooklyn around 2004 as a whole sounded like hushed, garbled, folk rock for hobbit massage parlors.
I don’t hit on my wife on Barry Diller’s balcony overlooking Central Park without funny man pride on my side. I was doing ad sales for CitySearch and had no business being on Barry Diller’s balcony in the 1st place. Mr. Burns from the Simpsons is based on Barry Diller’s mogul persona, allegedly. Which isn’t the most flattering portrayal of the man who greenlit the Simpsons, Married With Children and In Living Color as the head programming mogul at Fox. Diller also signed Andrew Dice Clay to a 3-picture movie Deal with Fox but had to buy out his contract after all the protesting from woman’s activist groups over the release of Dice’s big movie premiere, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane. Dice just stared as Lady Gaga’s doting, Limo driver dad in a Star is Born. So, he’s no longer such a comic clown monster after all. But by boss at City-Search liked me so he invited me to Barry Diller’s after work party on his balcony 40 stories above Carnegie Hall. At this time, Barry Diller was running IAC, which was a collection of internet companies he purchased such as Citysearch, Expedia and Ask Jeeves which was a poor man’s Google. Despite the rich man’s butler logo branding on it.  When I met my future wife on Barry Diller’s balcony, I was developing my 1st Family Guy spec script. Just to be clear, a spec script, is an unproduced sample episode of your own making, nothing more, nothing less. Spec scripts or TV pilot episodes of your own making are your portfolio samples used in the Biz to help you can an agent and ultimately staffed on a TV show on network or cable TV.

Weeks earlier, before I met Natalia, my future wife, on the balcony of Barry Diller’s Tower of Love on Broadway, I was still dating this older yet petite Pilipino gal. She asks. “What’s going to make you happy?” I reply. “Writing a Family Guy.” Understand, I got a job now doing new business development for Citysearch in Manhattan. Sure, my territory was Philly. They paid for my Amtrak trips, wasn’t complaining. Sure, I was living at home again because I was so broke my Hebrew name was under judicial review. But I could’ve had 5000 grand in the bank and my own studio apartment in the East Village on St. Marks at the time. I still would’ve been miserable because my pride prevented me from mediocrity, from becoming an average nobody. Pride drove me to write a Family Guy spec because it challenged my comedy ego. Similar to when I forced myself to bang out specs for Curb, American Dad, Louie, Eastbound and Down and most recently Silicon Valley.  Pride at this moment in time drove me to will my Family Guy spec into existence despite never even attempting to write a spec for any animated show prior.

 

So, when I met my future wife on Barry Diller’s balcony because she was working an  Executive Assistant for his VP in charge of Mergers and Acquisitions. She told her boss to pass on My Space. I invite my future wife downtown for a drink in Tribeca. Now during our August stroll in downtown Manhattan on Cobblestone streets, I had a Family Guy script in progress to discuss with her. Plus, I was able to emote about how I was finally able to score some laughs at open mikes in Manhattan after bombing for a whole straight year in LA. Without pride in my comedy writing development,  I would’ve had nothing interesting to share with Natalia when we met besides me working on hitting my quota at Citysearch. Without pride, I couldn’t have delivered a B- joke about how Citysearch is the number city guide in Manhattan, primarily used by gay men. To search who in New York City along Christopher Street gives the best facials. My joke writing has evolved since obviously.
Pride has provided me with more life affirming victories than ego deflated injury. Does it suck to get fired in Corporate America? Yes, but you become desensitized the more it happens like being indirectly called a moron for trusting the business instincts of a President working for free. Who revitalized the Wollman Rink in Central Park. Donating its profits to many charities such as the one for  gay men groups during the Aids epidemic in 80’s. When other jealous resistor baby boomers were making a living back then selling jars to Potomka Pickles, no offense Dad.
Roman Emperor philosopher Marcus Aurelius was correct. “The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.” In my case, the him, whose done more harm than good, isn’t pride but my Vanity Vagina. My Vanity Vagina is my spoiled, oversensitive diva inside. Who makes it impossible to hide her disdain for jobs she hates on her face. Vanity Vagina will play the part she’s paid for. But lose her zest for pretending to give a shit 4 months into the job as usual. Before working on her own side projects to prove how much better she is than her current job lot in life like Laura Dern in Mike White’s show Enlightened on HBO. Despite my Vanity Vagina never holding a position of power prior with direct reports in the form of an even assistant to screen my calls either.
Becoming a father of 3, 2 being unplanned has helped keep Vanity Vagina from becoming a self-destructive c word again for the most part. But the thing is, when you become a father of 3 kids,  you become 3 times more sensitive to insults and shows of disrespect. I’ve applied for a wide range of jobs since baby Samuel was born, even dreaded agency IT recruiter positions again. So I could prove to my wife, I’ve got Vanity Vagina under control this time. Still, no interviews since I fucked up the one promising one, I had going with IBM which I created out of nothing.

 

The job wasn’t very defined, it involved digital marketing. It was my understanding, IBM was looking for some much needed edge to make IBM come across as not your dad’s IBM anymore. My expression for the record. So, I sent not just my recruiter there some unasked for jokes but to every head of HR at IBM through email addresses I acquired from Fox Hunter.com. All these jokes got mad love on Twitter by geeks everywhere. I freaked out IBM big time with this unasked for material.  My thinking was too different, too edgy and way too in their face. Vanity Vagina couldn’t understand what was taking IBM so long to schedule a follow up face to face interview after my 1st phone interview went so well. I must have scored at least 12 laugh out louds during my 1 hour phone interview alone. So, I bombarded the entirety of the HR at IBM with the totality of my humor pushed upon material because Vanity Vagina is an oversensitive, career sabotaging bitch. End of story, oh!

 

Kayne West says “The best form of revenge is success.” So if I can manage to go through life before I’m six feet under without reverting into Vanity Vagina again, I can die a resounding success. Knowing, I conquered my main root of bad karma contamination.
Pride is on my side, not Vanity Vagina. Pride is on my side because it takes pleasure in a job well done. It take pleasure in what rave reviews my 3 kids haven gotten so far due to my involved parenting on the stay at home comedian dad front. Pride is on my side because it takes pleasure in weathering 2 winters and 2 summers back to back with no grandparent babysitting assistance whatsoever. Pride is on my side because it helped me produce 57 podcast episodes in a less than a year. Resulting in 70 hours worth of A minus comedy material. John Lennon wishes he was this productive during his stay at home dad years.  On nights mama works at the hospital. Pride is on my side when my baby boy Samuel tucks himself into our bed at night as we listen to my podcast on my smartphone by my bedside.

The End

By,
Michael Kornbluth

The Meaning of the Hebrew Hammer

Dad texts 9:45 EST. Michael, have the kids call us tomorrow tonight at 6:30 so we can wish them a happy #Chanukah. And I’m thinking, chopped liver gets more respect from gentiles than this.

Call my nurse wife at work at night.

Wife
Is everything OK?
Me
You should defriend whoever gave you this wine for your birthday.
It tastes like Manischewitz and your mom’s cheap shit Prosecco had a baby.

Wife
Why are you drinking my wine?
Me
I just learned the Good Men Project is republishing 19 of pieces before sundown on the 1st night of #Chanukah .
Wife
Guess you deserve it.
Me
Why didn’t you say spoiler alert 1st?

Thanks and Praises Prayer
Lord, thanks for making my daughter Matilda so me oriented sweet. Her hair band holder #Chanukah gift to clip my felt tip pen around my wrist because I had stained my beige Levi jean pockets made me feel I’ve done good.

Thanks and Praises Prayer Part 2
Lord, thanks for the 25 dollar telescope steal of the century at Goodwill. It made the best big kahuna group #Chanukah gift ever. I think my wife wanted to overdose on the vitamins she gave the kids prior.

INT. NORDSTROM
Me
I’d like this Ugg Slipper because the grey one will encourage my wife to wear her black robe with floral print which I can’t stand. When my daughter wears it, I resent my wife for turning me off from my daughter.

INT. HOME
Me
Pete Davidson trending on Twitter again is really testing my commitment to comedy. I never contemplated cheating on comedy until now Matilda. That kid exudes less personable charm than a wax replica of Paul O’Neil.

What’s the meaning of the Hebrew Hammer Dada? Part 1
Andy Dick orders his pet reindeer’s Jew Hater Horn 1 and 2 to impale his Jew Lover dad Santa to death because he worshiped the golden Jew Adam Sandler more because he’s more child friendly than Dick.

What’s the meaning of the Hebrew Hammer Dada? Part 2
Andy Dick, Santa’s Jew hating son, has Santa’s Reindeer kill Santa because he refused to back Mitt Romney’s bid to gut Dreidel World and turn it into an Illuminati looking Nutcracker factory.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

The Productive Stoner

I always wanted to be a functional pothead. But I had to stop trying 3 kids later.  I gave it my best shot. Don’t think I’m quitter.

7 years ago, my wife barges into our 1 bedroom apartment bathroom on a Friday night in a whirlwind of presumptive disgust because I was enjoying myself a tad too much as our 3 year old splashed in the bubble. And sang with me as we crooned with soul stirring,  shimmering glee to Bob Marley’s evil spirit conquering Duppy Conqueror. Understand, I puffed a one hitter in the bathroom with the window open before I got my daughter situated in there which got me feeling extra loose. Now, my wife barges through the bathroom door unannounced. Shoots off a final judgement hate stare in my direction and says with frothy, damnation dispiritedness. “You’re such a stoner.” Before slamming the bathroom door coming off the hinges.  Next my 4 year old daughter, Matilda, Singing Rose Kornbluth says. “Daddy, you’re not a stoner. You’re a rock star.” I say. “You’re right, Matilda. Because stoners aren’t doers and daddy is a doer. Granted, I haven’t done mommy since her birthday last year but that’s besides the point.”

So do I still smoke some weed? Squeeze in a puff of Florida Crippy’s for old times sake to celebrate writing the 1st draft of a new TV pilot like I did for my past creations including Don’t Laugh I Live Newark, Mr. Right and Mike Mates? I’m strong at banging out headline hookers I know. But no, I haven’t smoked the scrumptious, crystal specked green supreme goodness in 4 months now I think. Could be longer. So much for my short-term memory bouncing back with palpable, reverberating vengeance since my past podcast goodbye to my pothead plagued past in Episode 43 My Weed Exit Interview, on my Do It All Dad Year Podcast. I had my daughter do the intro for it. “Funnier, dad, happier baby, and I’m living proof of it. Can I get a Challah for some Challah?”

Ok, so back to the million dollar question, what drove me to take a permanent vacation from what I perceived as my best bud till my daughter Matilda was born? For starters, 3 kids later, I could no longer afford to feel like a bigger moron than I already feel around my comedic genius daughter. She’s a math nerd also which is a tad annoying. It got to the point, where I was disgusted at my belabored, ad lib replies to her super deep, out of nowhere questions about God.  My daughter asks. “So Daddy, if God created the Universe, then who created God?” I say. “God, went back in time in a Time Machine made by Elon Musk.” Daughter says. “Real convincing Dada. Thanks for making me an Atheist at 4.” The joke doesn’t work as good if she says 6.

When you stop smoking weed after you’ve been a Stoner for 2 decades in a row, you start remembering your dreams because they’re so vivid crazy homes. You think you’ve been blackout drunk your entire waking life prior. What I’ve noticed in these dreams is old buds resurface. Who I’d either get stoned with or drunk with. But any semblance of a sturdier, brotherly bond past getting fucked up together, disintegrates under the unflinching, murky, glare of my dream undertow. Where old buds appear emotionless within the shadowy corners of my subconscious, REM catching up mind man.

I also compared my joke retweet stats on Twitter when I took an extended break on weed prior to my podcast Weed Exit Interview episode and was disgusted at the sobering statistical illumination revelation. I banged out almost ten times as many jokes off the weed than on it. Plus, my jokes on weed in comparison sounded like the dull minded, dim witted, dead brained drippings of a mentally strained douche-bag.

 

Trump has produced around 38,000 tweets compared to my 40,000 plus from my past. Proving native New Yorker’s hailing from Queens don’t have a hard time expressing themselves or ever run out of colorful things to say. At the same time, this doesn’t mean I’ve had burnout induced moments in my 20’s and 30’s when I was an awful communicative stoner, which haunt me till this day.

Once, I was cold calling a VP of Engineering as an IT Recruiter, doing new business development in Manhattan for a staffing company in One Penn Plaza right above MSG. And I could barely state my own full name clearly and at this point I only had 36 years of practice. “Hi, my name is Michael Kornbababluth, from Adam Jacobs & Associates. “Struggling with your own name I see” the VP of Engineering said with relished glee.

My own father stopped smoking weed after he met my mom in college. It was a deal breaker for her. Once, I recall watching the Knicks my Senior Year in High School when I started smoking plenty of weed after school from the Bronx, the cheap, sprayed kind that tastes like Windex. So I’m watching the game with my dad and out of nowhere my dad says with all knowing, dour disdain, “You’re not speaking well.” Translation, you’re smoking too much weed and you’re a learning disabled kid who didn’t crack a 1000 on his SAT’s. You’re not Bob Dylan, moron.

I always wanted to be a functional pothead. Getting my TV writing gig at VH1 Classic for Americas Hard 100, which was 12 years in the making felt great. Especially after I rose to the occasion and proved to myself I could get a high stakes writing job done well with all eyez on me pressure. I got stoned solo to celebrate in Manhattan off my prized one hitter and took a soulful, money, money, cocksure stroll from Times Square to my favorite craft brew bar in Manhattan on 10th Avenue to extend my feel good party in my honor. But then, I’m at the bar, being non-predatory flirty, feeling like a married slut in a straight jacket. Acting nervous around woman at the bar because I feel guilty about being free of my 3 year old girl for once and that was before my other 2 kids were born.

I continued to get high off the extra good green after becoming a dad because it still brought me pleasure and it helped my brain chill at night when I’d squeeze in a hit away from kids after dinner around 7. I’d love listening to the Grateful Dead, Europe 72 on it or Hair Metal ballads by Warrant, especially while reading new jokes of mine which come alive off the page a bit more on it. Plus, my evening reading performances for my kids in bed were more spontaneous fun for both the kids and me. Reality is though, weed is a poor man’s substitute for the American Hustler search and destroy, kill um all mentality  I needed to embody to become a major comedy success in this universe and continued weed use burns out my full throttle flame of creativity before I can take it even higher. I justified my weed use for long because I’d use the weed as a reward for getting a new script or blog done, but that’s a limited way of thinking, especially knowing, how I’m scheduling myself to be less productive the day after I get blazed.

My wife’s worse nightmare was me being stoned at night once she was in labor with our 3 child Samuel Teddy.  The birth of Samuel pushed me past my obsession with fulfilling all my self-serving needs. 14 months later I became determined to love myself better and be the healthier, wiser, friskier, funnier Dad provider my family of 5 needed me to be. Now, I’m pushing myself to maximize my time on this earth to make it as a writer on the rise after all. One my 3 kids can be proud of past their adoration of dad because they’re not teenagers in love with anyone else but me yet.

My book Stay At Home Comedian is a love letter about how my 3 kids finally got my act together. It’s a self-improvement story about how my 3 kids inspired me to replace bad habits with good habits. It’s a humor book about parenting, modern fatherhood and controlling my kids through comedy as a stay at home comedian podcast host blogger who works from home  It’s a memoir about my unusual artist family and how my kids have made me a better friend, husband, patriot, writer, leader and comedian.  Last night, my daughter asks. “Are you getting close to finishing your humor book on fatherhood, Stay At Home Comedian yet daddy? When you start selling copies of it through Amazon Kindle and at Barnes and Noble, I can call you a real artist because real art sells, right Dada?” I say. “I liked it better when you called me a rock star instead. Richard Belzer called all comedians frustrated rock stars at heart.”

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

Best Bud Sarah Silverman Never Had

You know God loves you when your kids play with your fungus covered feet. Seeing past your impurities. My 2 boys know to wear new flip flops every time they step foot in the men’s showers at LA Fitness in West Hollywood.

My 1st dad moment was yelling at my wife for tramp stamping my 5 year old daughter with fake tattoos seconds before our 1st Winter Ball Dance together. I yell. Take them off. My daughters adds. Yeah, now I can’t be buried in a fake Jewish Cemetery.

My 2nd dad moment was saying no fairy wings on Matilda after my wife’s best friend gave them to her for Christmas. Matilda looks like an overdose at the Lime Light waiting to happen. Especially, at the rate she pounds seltzer at home these days.

Dads are stronger cheerleaders than moms. My wife says it’s because we live in a Patriarchal society. I say. I thought it was because our kids cared more about my opinions. Plus, growing up don’t act like you cared more about impressing your knife chucking mother babe.

I still struggle with saying patriarchal society without stuttering it out. I’m convinced Virginia Wolf willed the word into popular culture so men would sound dumber Jersey like than usual.

Sarah Silverman doesn’t think the President is mature yet still takes bong hits in a hoodie way past 40. Plus, I don’t recall Sarah Silverman outgrowing her truly tasteless, alternative jokes phase either.

Life Is Worth Losing is worth revisiting for hard core George Carlin fans. Carlin is sober and sharper than ever. Plus, darker is funnier and George Carlin achieves stand-up nirvana on this HBO special with The Suicide Guy. He really was the best. Plus, George Carlin’s rape jokes were vastly superior to Sarah and felt far less forced rapey.

Opening line for my new book chapter “Puff, Puff, Pass”, about passing on being a pothead, only 3 kids later. I always wanted to be a functional pothead.

Option 2 for an opening line for my new book chapter “Puff, Puff, Pass”, about passing on being a pothead, only 3 kids later. Weed was my best bud till I had Matilda.

My 7-Year-Old Daughter on Adam Levine. He sounds like he stole Michael Jackson’s voice. In case you’re wondering, we were listening to the song Gotten on Slash’s debut album, Slash. You’re welcome. Fergie, Chris Cornell, Kid Rock all shine on it.

George Soros calling Roger Waters.

George Soros
Can you supply the caravan with free I Phones with 1 song on it each?
Roger Waters
Tear down the wall, got it.
I’m only doing this because you know how awful Israelis are to Palestinians.

Dad
Day 5, free from beer Matilda. It will sound weird when I say day 28.

Daughter

I know.  You’ve never even made it to double digits.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

My New American Dream

INT. HOME
4 Year Old Son
Is God happy?
Mom
God can be a she.
Dad
Mama’s feminist teen spirit post Meto eclipses any shot of Nirvana for God kid.

I got misty from the palpable love “The Fiz Kids” showered coach Fizdale with last night. And I’m still convulsing with roarish glee from Emmanuel Mudiay’s out of nowhere in your face, Mike Conley’s contract slam for the ages.

Eddie Vedder’s voice fluctuates between hushed, garbling, constipated tones and cathartic, overacted overtones like a darker, more masculine sounding Dave Mathews on better weed.

Lena Dunham is profiled by the Cut? But she got her own pad in the West Village without having to depend on her daddy for a handout. Lena cuts off her dad, not the other way around. Oh, I thought Cut was an indie glamour mag about suicide, my bad.

Did you know Lena Dunham was Hillary’s Social Media Community Manager? Only Lena Dunham could make Hillary Hammer Time Cankles less likable and relatable in 1 blubbery swoop.

When Trump won 2 years ago. I prayed for the Wall to be built around the strip clubs in Montreal. So Lena Dunham, wouldn’t scare away all the clientele. Amy Schumer is having a baby. Lena Dunham and Sarah Silverman are losing.

I hate stories about seeing Bruce live more than stories about seeing the Grateful Dead pre-Aids before Magic made HIV disappear. When you could bang any chesty Italian gal from Jersey in the parking lot at Giants for drum solo filler in between.

Wife
You haven’t given me any smiles today.
Husband
Stroke my ego and you know what else more. Then, talk dirty to me.
Because I want action tonight, satisfaction alright. And your PJ look with no make up on isn’t enough to make Thor go higher. I call my mighty pounder mallet Thor.

Foot Doctor Assistant
You didn’t show for your last appointment.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
I have 3 kids and been blessed with useless, bare minimum, Facebook grandparents on both sides of the virtual fence babe. So don’t bust my balls babe.

INT. ZERO GRAVITY OFFICE
Elon Musk talks to his AI powered life coach computer.
Standing desks were so 2017 Tron Robbins.
If I move to Mars, I’ll be single longer because maintaining long distance relationships from mars are always a stretch.

INT. KITCHEN
Wife
I’m going to ask for work off Monday.
Husband
It’s your life.
Wife
That’s the meanest thing you can say.
Husband
You really think I’m a slacker, don’t you?

Shameless recycle of my gift letter opener for my part Turkish friend from college for Kwazna. He doesn’t celebrate Kwanza but some Turks must. Dear Dave,
Happy to hear about your path to sober, healthier, less destructive living.

Everything in Greenwich, CT is greener, brighter and prettier. My new dream is to buy a home there for my family as a well off writer performer entertainer. Westchester Country is like brownish, regular commercial weed in comparison. I can pass a drug test. I swear. My Weed Exit Interview Podcast was 3 months ago at least.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

Hair Metal Humor Overkill

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Me
It means Joe Elliot hasn’t aged as well as Jon Bon Jovi. And is no longer considered a photograph of perfection.

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Me
You’ll what? Insist Hair Nation send all their advertisers British Flag draped Resist The Hall coffee cups for Christmas.

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Me
It means Steve Perry with the long hair is more like the Androgynous type the Hall is into for all time great, pop rock selling bands.

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Me
You’ll what? Accuse Jann Wenner of tickling Joe Elliot’s British moles through his torn Bugle Boy Jeans for a Rolling Stone photo shoot in 88.

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Me
Dave Mustaine tweets. Bubble Gum Rock sells except the Hall isn’t buying.

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Me
Joe Elliot will think here we go again. If White Snake gets in before us, I’ll jump off London Bridge in the still of the night.

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Me
David Lee Roth will show up to Joe Elliot’s house in his EMS best after he rocks till he drops of a broken heart.

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Me
Eddie Vedder will co-write an op-ed with Neil Young for the NY Times called Glam Metal is Noise Pollution.

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Me
You’ll blame it on Russian Death Metal journalists at Metal Hammer magazine for bashing the 25 year reissue of Hysteria to pieces.

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall.
Me
It means the Hall cares more about Joan Baez’s banshee drone than rock, rock, till you drop records like Pyromania which sold 10 million units bitches.

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Me
NWA’s entry won’t feel legit?

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Me
Then, you’ll feel like a deplorable for voting for a British glam metal Brexit from the Hall if Iron Maiden gets voted in before they do?

INT. CAR
Hair Metal Nation Host
If Def Leppard doesn’t get into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Me
Gene Simmons will act superior smug regardless.

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

New Family Tradition

1st Urbandictionary entry.
Trumpian (N) American loving defender of protecting our citizens over bullshit charges of politically correct charged accusations of hate speech to keep illegals voting and pedophile protecting Democrats in power.

My 2nd Urbandictionary entry.
Trumpian: (N) American loving patriot who believes Obama is the real lying, egomaniac with the lumbering superiority complex. Who did less to empower black people than Soul Plane.

You know the resistor side has veered way too left off sanity. When my great Jewish Aunt comments on her socialist, Democratic cousin’s postings on Facebook with. “Free college, free healthcare, free sex changes. Sorry, it’s not Obama’s army anymore.”

New Family Tradition
On Black Friday forsake the mall. Not that respectable Jews partake. And instead consume black comedy maestro musings on Vinyl from Lenny Bruce at Berkeley. He would’ve teed off on 9th Circuit Judges & Huma Licker Breath.

What my parent’s Facebook announcement should’ve been for my younger brother’s 2nd engagement after he fucked up his 1st.

Will be wearing all white at the wedding for a 2nd time. After our 1st born’s wedding and make it all about our own vanity again.

 

What my parent’s Facebook announcement should’ve been for my younger brother’s 2nd engagement after he fucked up his 1st part 2.

Full refund on airfare tickets if our son goes off the rails again.
She got divorced before. So, she can’t afford to fuck this up.

My parents announcing my brother’s 2nd engagement via Facebook, after he fucked up the 1st at the last minute is weird. I haven’t used Facebook for 2 years. So my great Aunt telling me about the Facebook engagement over Thanksgiving is even weirder.

Post Thanksgiving Text
Bang some Trump loving MILFS in Florida for me.
And make your sex life great again.
I recall your past girlfriends being the antithesis of dead Marlins.
Hemingway, I fucked him, oh!

Kids finish off a mini-grill cheese nosh I made them.
They both yell. Make more. I respond. I never told your grandma to make more brisket. But at least she makes homemade pizzas for grandpa whenever we’re not around.
Countering passive aggressive moms.
Mom texts. Thanksgiving used to be my favorite holiday.
I text back. Wish you were here less. I wish you texted less also because your presence online and off never makes me happy at all. Direct enough yet ma?

I just noticed earrings on my 7 year old daughter. And she’s had them on for 2 years. It’s like I’m still single, living in the San Fernando Valley except I’m not hitting on girls in my commercial acting class oblivious to their engagement rings on.

 

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

Wish You Were Here Less

“There are never enough I Love You’s.”  Lenny Bruce

New family tradition. Forsake Black Friday at the mall. Not that any respectable Jew partakes. And instead play the dark humor maestro indictments of lawless cops, arrogant judges, “chicken shit” theatre critics and petulant DA’s on Vinyl from the great Lenny Bruce on Vinyl, including Live at Berkley and Midnight Concert at Carnegie Hall. Tried Sam Kinson Louder than Hell earlier but his opening bit on wearing sunglasses because he was high and blind from banging too heart breaking puss, responsible for his off-kilter, hoarse blown hack scream failed to inspire more meaningful listening with my 3 kids home from school in attendance.

Yesterday, for Thanksgiving, I receive a text from my mom saying. Thinking of you. I have wonderful memories of Thanksgiving. It used to be my favorite holiday. And this is me, countering my mom’s passive aggressiveness in my mind. I text back. Wish you were here less and texted me less also because your presence online and off never makes me happy at all. Direct enough yet ma? But I read this line once by famed Roman Emperor Philosopher Marcus Aurelius stating “The best revenge is to not be like your enemy.” So I resisted the temptation to send a passive aggressive text back in return. Which wasn’t easy knowing my mother is a real feel good Thanksgiving killer.

3 years ago my wife Natalia applies for a middle class affordable housing grant offered in Westchester Country, NY. We scored a $30,000 grant from the government for a down deposit on a reduced price home in Northern Westchester County. I call it my comedy grant And we just made the cut. If I literally sold 1 joke to Roseanne Bar the previous year from the jokes of mine I sent her on Twitter like the one about how one of the co-founders of Yelp had doubts about Yelp succeeding as an online review site until a bunch of Asian millennial girls got hold of it and went wild.

In case you’re wondering, I was sending jokes to Rosanne 2 years before her show was revitalized after reading in some book about how she wrote 30 jokes a day till this day. I also remember reading some time ago, how she preferred to hire stand-up comedians on her old Roseanne show compared to other Harvard grad TV writers because Roesanne believes stand-up comedians are far braver. Which always carried real cool weight in my book. I’m quoting Lenny Bruce at the top of this chapter for Christ sake and no comic before or after was more fearless than Lenny. Besides the late great Joan Rivers calling Obama gay and Michelle a she-hulk and we all know how that turned out for her. Google it if you don’t believe me.  She also banned both Obama’s from attending her funeral. Plus, her daughter sued the hospital where she was getting a routine throat procedure that as a whole is complication free, leading to her premature death right after she made that comment to TMZ about Obama being gay and how everyone in Hollywood knows it. Melissa Rivers, Joan River’s only child, won the malpractice lawsuit against the hospital for the record. Personally, I could care less about Obama being gay or Michelle being his Trans wife.  I’m a big believer in the Alfred Kinsey scale of bisexuality and of Lenny Bruce’s premise of there needing to be a new term to describe gay men because they’re are no such things as homosexuals but “homosexual acts.”

For example, Lenny Bruce mentions in his Midnight Concert at Carnegie Hall, men in prison without sexual contact for too long, are animals and will do anything, “mud”, even. Plus, I agree with Joan Rivers. I think some Trans can be quite striking because of the longer, leaner figures working in their favor, although the voices can be a boner killer on the spot also. Black Friday is alive and well, I better start quoting Jim Norton jokes about She-Males and Adam’s Apples and totally strip my book of any artistic merit value according to other enlightened, moralist upstanding parenting bloggers altogether. If I’m brutally honest with myself, I really was made for blogging about modern times because I would’ve been arrested for indecent exposure and obscene projection of subdued perversions 2 paragraphs in already. If I was a pampleteer instead of a blogger back in the day like a less flamboyant, chest hair sniffing Walt Whitman.

In Live at Berkeley, Lenny Bruce throws a shout out to Henry Miller, one of my favorite writers. Whose books were banned in the US because of their graphic sexual content. It was Henry Miller’s writing about art, his menial job past, Chinese poets, time in the woods in Big Sur, sanctification of Paris prostitutes and relationship with Anis Nin which offer the main sources of appeal for me. Charles Bukowski admired Henry Miller as an interesting writer in bits but found him long at the tooth as a whole. I share that in common with Henry Miller obviously.

I don’t know if it’s growing up during the early nineties and watching Gorilla Girls, Scandal in the Mansion or Taste of Amber on Porn VHS 1 too many times but I never understood the tenseness or prevision involving watching porn, talking about porn or even paying for some nice, nice, knowing it’s a safety rail preventing real affairs of the heart. I never found Bukowski’s tales of banging his writing groupies in his late forties that big of a deal, nor too graphic to the point of it reading those passages, thinking the writing was mere dirty notes from a 1 track minded man. Who waxed poetic about the torrential onslaught of spitfire gusto that sprang out of Gustav Mahler’s symphonies on his home transistor radio, radio.

But back to my mother for just one second longer than I want to. Talk about totally going off track after talking about us scoring the affordable housing grant from Westchester County. It was divine intervention. We hit the lotto and had to cash in our ticket with 2 kids already.

So 3 Thanksgivings ago, my mom starts to cry in front of me and says. I can’t believe I raised you in a nice suburb of New York, sent you to camps and college. Only for you to need a handout from the government for a home. At same time, I’m thinking, we couldn’t afford a down payment on any home without some financial assistance. So it’s either from you or the government. What difference does it make? Besides, you feeling like failure of a mother and everything

But seriously, I didn’t seek out this affordable home housing grant, my wife did. I certainly wasn’t going to hold it against her after my mom shat on our good fortune, which didn’t require her opinion and outside meddling. Despite her, dropping by the house to check it out, only to tell us. We’d have a black neighbor. Well, his name is James mom, and he’s a Vet, served time in Vietnam, lost friends that your generation shat on when they returned home from hell on earth. And he lives in permanent pain. He’s asked me. Who are you sending your jokes to? And one time during 4th of July, I’m blasting Bruce outside with the garage door open and James says to me. They lied to us. They lied to us. My heart breaks writing this sentence.  So how do you like that ma? James the war vet, my black neighbor, has shown more belief and interest in my comedy writing career than you have, my own mother, my own flesh and blood, the woman that’s supposed to be in my own corner. Propping me up, not tearing me down, not urging me to throw in the fucking towel to become a garbage man. I also don’t see James going radio silent if I texted him a pic of your grandchildren hugging flags either. And I call my mother in law the unhuggable cunt.

I so didn’t want to write about my mother ever again because I know I come across as a thankless son. Well fuck you Shakespeare, you’d be singing a different tune, if you impressed your comedic role models and received direct written compliments from Margaret Cho and Nick Di Paolo after they read your stories in the forms of TV pilots and spec scripts, only to have your own mother insist your writing is still shit and that just because you support a President who works for free. Who God forbid is out to protect American citizens 1st and keep our families safe. Just because of my desire to keep my countrymen and woman safe, I’m deemed a deplorable piece of shit who should sling shit for a living. Talk about throwing in towel on the behalf of my non-beliver mom prematurely. And I’ve worked as a bus boy, bartender and waiter before. Plus, I’ve changed diapers on not 1 but 3 babies so far. Plus, my 3rd isn’t potty trained yet. So, it’s not like I’ve acted above getting my hands dirty either.

I love how people take offense at Trump saying he never changed his kids diapers. I wish I could make that claim. It would mean I had my shit together for a change. And not be an unemployed comedian/father of 3 whose been fired more than a Palestinian Slingshot. Due to entitlement issues, which I’m obviously, not over completely. But the major difference is I know where I’m most needed now and it’s at home with my kids to keep our house in order and our kids striving and thriving under my comedic educating tutelage, not on a fucking garbage truck yet. At least not until, I finish writing my book Stay At Home Comedian  Because I’ve developed a hefty nose tolerance for yuck, yuck, stink bomb droppings and working as a garbage man would give me some good material to sample on parent student occupation day. So my name is Michael Kornbluth and I sling garbage for a living until I can make more money slinging jokes less shittier than Jim Gaffigan’s latest offerings. Because talking about Pops Tarts, is so edgy, edgy, edgy.

George Washington said “It’s better to be alone than in bad company.” Preach on President Washington. George totally would’ve gotten stoned with Lenny Bruce in his corn field while Martha went to the well to get fresh water for Bill and Ted’s Dancing Bear Grateful Dead Bong from the future.  There are never enough I love you’s. I agree Lenny. Love you man. With all my heart. And thanks for keeping Joan going for all those years. You know what you said after she bombed for 2 straight weeks. “You’re right and they’re wrong.” Acting as a Medium for dead comedians can be my thing on my Do It All Dad Year Podcast after all.

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Declaration of Drug Dependence

Wine makes you sleepy.
Beer makes you fat.
Whiskey makes you old.
Weed makes you stupid.
Adderall makes you tenser edgy.
Finish blogging your book, lose 10 pounds this winter & guilt your wife into doing the same. Celebrate dunking out.
The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

Happy Thanksgiving to all of my readers. Creed 2 is a must see film if celebrating Fake News Fro ruined football isn’t your thing today either.  I love you all.