Controlling My Kids With Comedy Pitch

Controlling My Kids With A Comedy, A Love Story, is tale about stay at home dad’s quest to become a podcast hero and publisher author who refuses to give up on making money off his special brand of edgy, family man funny, in order to make his Do It All Dad Year come true. It’s also a clown origin story and about how faith is never giving up on doing you.

Books about fatherhood blow because they never emote about falling for fatherhood, why children love back or how comedy control rules until now. Because like famous humorist, Victor Borge said, “Laughter is the shortest distance between 2 people.” So getting more laughs from your kids is the difference between growing closer to your kids or bombing at parenting, as long as you focus on making the most of your stage time with your kids because they’ll always love you back with 10 times more emotional oomph as long as you make them feel like the center of the universe instead of the reverse.

But failing to be a provider bites and stay at home dads can’t survive unless they find way to cope with not being a financial provider for the time being. Controlling My Kids With Comedy, is also a tale about how stay at home dads get no respect from fake feminists until they start bringing home the bacon again and how coping through clowning through jokes is a way to fight back. It’s also a tale about the pursuit of happiness from the stay-at-home work front, which is the best choice our dads never had. Controlling our kids with comedy, can make our kids great again, Do It All Dad’s fuss free kids, 98 percent of the time are living proof of it.

Michael Kornbluth

Lego Stores Post Corona Are Off The List

How can I be transphobic? If I’d rather suck off Bruce Jenner with no makeup and be forced to swallow every last demon drop, than have to go into The LEGO Store again to buy a Harry Potter LEGO set, after the coast was clear, with my 3 kids faces all covered, including my own, which made me feel like Michael Jackson on holiday in Dubai after Magic made HIV disappear.

Michael Kornbluth

Resisting Unsolicited Parenting Advice

I hate woman who give me unsolicited advice whenever I’m out in public with my 3 kids because they’re being passive aggressive buzz kills, who never get anyone high off their presence alone ever.  I’m in the process of putting a mask on my 3-year-old before entering a fancy cheese chop in the burbs because I’m grooming shishy bitches on the rise and I hear, “The mask is covering his eyes.” I blurt out, “Don’t act you’re a must-see star attraction all of a sudden babe. I’ve been entertaining 3 kids for 3 summers in a row with no centralized AC or virtual grandparents in sight and loving almost every second of it. So, when your blah brained, hubby, starts to outshine you in the parenting department, it means, you’re a more annoying cunt, than you give yourself credit for babe. If you had big tits, it would at least soften the blow of you trying to characterize me as a bumbling jerkoff putz who can’t tell whether he’s getting his son ready to enter a store post Corona for an overpriced grilled cheese, with gooey gruyere or a pinata smack off for my white privileged seed because their father doesn’t treat them like a shameful, resurgent herpes sore on the spot, runs off to his hack golf buds, as deep as the eighteen hole, whenever he likes, or just abandons their kid all together with his baby mama, because he’s got fresher snatch to spew into next, which trumps being in position to do cartwheels into his kid’s hearts which matters most, unless you want to be responsible for birthing another kid stuck in an endless cycle of violence or drugs to rebel against a chillingly indifferent world, that never gave me him a fighting chance to become somebody to believe in, yeah, yeah.

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Funnier Dad, Happier Babies

Whenever I’m out with my 3 kids without mommy, older woman swoon, constantly commenting to me, “Your kids are so happy together.” My reply, “Funnier dad, happier babies. I’ll wreck you in a photo off boomer dad. My kids have more muscle memory to flex from. Sorry, about you still thinking you’re the superior parent within all spheres of life, because because baby boomer arrogance never dies.  At the same time, my 3 fuss free kids 98% of the time, are all glowing beneficiaries of the attachment parenting, which is turning your bed into the a 24/7 open milk bar for the foreseeable future. It’s the equivalent of planting seeds of self-esteem on steroids. So they’re not suffering from any major abandonment issues, for being another newborn who has cry it out in the crib upstairs, which is the only reason why our boomer parents bought 2 floor homes in yenta breath country in Long Island  because it makes the muffled cries of despair, easier to bear.”

 

Michael Kornbluth

Divorce Immunity During Corona

Daughter says, “Mommy asked Google if she should divorce her unemployed comedian husband. I say, “You kids name your special jumps into the pool based on chapter titles from my books like Best Bud Sarah Silverman Never Had, splash, Children Are Family Upgrades, Woosh, or Surrender Shrimp and Grits, long time, hollah, kaplomp. So, it’s not as if you kids are clamoring to tell a divorce court how much you want me out of your life already. Besides, haven’t you ever heard of divorce immunity during Corona? Last, we don’t even know if you’re going to be resuming school full time again this year and baby’s not running for President yet, nor do any of your virtual grandparents on both sides plan to lift a finger to help with you 3 on a semi-regular basis outside of liking a new picture on Facebook. Plus, grandparents on both sides, have no intention to uproot themselves away from Unibrow Maddow or the local Ukranian Church, in Delaware where, baba performed fake news communion on all 3 of your behind my back, because your Hebrew names, Jewish blood and none of your ever getting baptized derailed that after life death wish from ever materializing. So daddy possess what the big Don in the Art of the Deal would call leverage, unlike every Democratic Mayor crying for Federal help after they turned the mob loose on their cities without any crime blitz schemes in sight because Mike Ditka isn’t in charge nor he is grooming any Buddy Ryan’s to take over their own homeland security defense departments against omnipresent, mostly real life crazy, encouraged anarchy in the name of Obama Be Good and the geographically challenged, pedo hair sniffer being just what fuck Face Fauci ordered to bring our country back to 2.9 GDP growth again, when diplomacy was considered nuke gifting Iran 150 billion on your way out the doors. Those were the days.

Michael Kornbluth

Brando Getting Method on Michael

Marlon Brando getting into his Psychiatrist character for Don Juan DeMeraco on his Hollywood Hills neighbor Michael Jackson. Psychiatrist Brando says to the King of Pop, “Just because it happened on the Never Land Ranch, doesn’t mean it never happened Michael.”

Michael Kornbluth

What Gen X Parents Understand

Daughter says, “Mama got me a puberty book .” I say, “But you’re only 9. At 15, I was the last kid to get into the puberty party and bloom under his Fruit of the Looms.  But don’t worry Tilly, if you take after mama, you won’t be weighed down by busty beauties like Jennifer Tilly.

Michael Kornbluth