Fake News Happy For Me

Fake news is an expression now. Actually, it’s a fact based, truth enshrouded reality.

Ban ICE. Because caring about Homeland Security was so weapons of mass destruction years.

Friendly reminder, Baby Face Omar described 911 as “something happened.” Like it was a forgettable Edward Albee play off Broadway.

I hear they’re doing a remake of Three’s Company based on the bomb squad Freshman congressman called, Allah’s Avenging Angels. Because they’re are all virgins I’m assuming, except for AOC cranked up on high grade coke in college.

I’m happy for you means I’m all out of manufactured pleasantness in your honor.

I’m happy for you means your dad’s shoulders collapse in shame when you hug your dad for a reason.

I’m happy for you means you lucky, unworthy, spoiled piece of shit.

I’m happy for you means mom and dad are making your younger brother feel like the unintended, unwanted defect again.

I’m happy for you means your dad is fake news Bob Dylan deep.

I’m happy for you means you’re an idiot for thinking our relationship is a shining example of love supreme.

I’m happy for you means you fail the friendship litmus test.

I’m happy for you means they don’t think you deserve anything that’s jealous inducing for them.

I’m happy for you means not really.

I’m happy for you means your mom is rudderless without Snoopy giving you less generic lip service.

David Crosby, you know Garfield in the yard, having to follow Neil Young used to be so hard. Thinks Trump has no restraint. But Trump’s never drank, smoke or did coke when it was free liver spots. Baby Boomer arrogance never dies because of you.

What does USA captain Megan Rapino tell a lesbian Trump supporter at the Cubby Hole bar in the West Village?

I wouldn’t lick Ivanka clean with toilet water from detention camps if Michelle Obama was guaranteed victory in 2020.

Trump stokes white nationalism.
Was the Klan under their sheets depressed for 8 years when Obama was president? Do Popes normalize pedophilia decade after decade? Still, make Nazi Germany great again wasn’t his campaign slogan Judd Apatow.

All the media has done for 3 years is divide. How is this division problem Trump’s fault exactly? Did he write a golden shower fantasy tale to give Obama loyalists the right to spy on his campaign for opposition, German porn research?

Hillary on Megan Rapinoe as Secretary of State.

What difference does it make? I’m getting booed at Billy Joel shows at the Garden. At least backstage Stevie Nicks flirts with me and says “Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies.”

It’s hard to feel like a distinguished self-published author on Amazon knowing that Jeff Bezos profits from books such as The Jew as World Parasite. But I’m sure you’re new main squeeze loves you for your unbiased dirt rag Jeff.

Trump haters love to anoint themselves as the more respectful party yet they’re the ones who’ve ruined the old world charm of the NBA, NFL, Hollywood, rock & roll and all forms of gatherings with friends and family for 3 years straight.

Do I think everyone should be created equal? No, I don’t, especially anyone who thinks ANTIFA is on the side of right. Because you want white boys on crystal meth cracking Trump supporters heads on your behalf, you dumb ass crackers.

My parents are fake news hippies because they’ve lived in Arizona for 8 years as self-satisfied, smug east coast retirees, Bob Dylan evangelists and not once been to the Grand Canyon. Drinking warm chard before it cools is strike 2 against you mom, no offense. Instructing the DJ to stop playing the Star Spangled Banner by Jimi Hendrix at my wedding to close out the night during my wedding party in a beautiful sculpture garden outside of Woodstock is strike three against you Dad.

INT. Car
Wife
When you were in Vegas I got the kids in bed early every night.
Do It All Dad
But your parents were here for 2 out of those 3 nights. And your mom’s boring by English banker on holiday standards.

INT.KOHLS
Worker
At weddings you’re supposed to sit on the side of immediate family.
Do It All Dad
So my mom and dad seating themselves on the bride’s side means they only care about family separation for illegal aliens.

Michael Kornbluth

The Racist Word

USA Team captain, Megan Rapinoe could run for office?

What would her campaign slogan be?
Bring back the L word to Netflix Obama. You’re are only hope.
Drag Queen library reading hour can make Bette Midler great again. Before she based her world view on Unibrow Maddow.
Free sashimi lunches for Olympic hopeful muff divers.
Make Sarah Silverman funny again.
Pussy riot safe spaces when Ivanka becomes the 1st female Jewess president in 2024.

 

At the supermarket I get 2 tall boys of Throwback Pinner IPA’s because they were 2 for 5 among other reasons. Checking out I say to the grocery clerk. You don’t know what a pinner means because you were born with a vape pen in your mouth.

Deblasio’s wife was a lesbian before they got married. But were supposed to believe Garlic Breath converted her? He eats pizza with a fork and knife. But burying his beak into her slippery snatch is a plausible theory to digest.

Bill and Hillary Hammer Time Cankles got booed at Billy Joel during his MSG show. Because in his eighties prime Billy Joel’s biggest hits were considered lullaby music for Republicans by our Jack Black nation.

The birthrate in NY is at an all time low. Lena Dunham’s frumpy, quadruple rollage look getting a ridiculous amount of encouraged love on Instagram isn’t helping. Also, foodie hipsters are porked out already from meat sweats.

The birthrate in NY is also at an all time low because you never hear any Taylor Swift songs about guys who pass out mid thrust inside her Tootsie Pop treat because Millennial Mouseketeers don’t drink.

If Michael Jackson were alive today, what would his defense be? Beatles royalty points can’t buy me love.

My 1st parenting stance was only exposing my daughter to Woody Allen films which came out pre-Soon Yi. And only playing Michael Jackson songs from the Jackson 5, so my pedo star ban stance is more black and white.

I wonder if Dave Chappelle feels like a less sanctimonious twat for jerking off the genius of #RKelly in his Netflix special. While also using the Emmitt Till story to fabricate more fake news bullshit racist charges against Obama’s better half.

If President Trump doesn’t grant political asylum to Tommy Robinson, I don’t see him doing to dick to prevent big tech from silencing voices highlighting what the rape enablement party has become, sorry.

Bonding with the locals at Harvest Moon Cider bar.
Here’s some primo weed. I like to prove not all Jews are greedy, demonic scumbags like Bernie Madoff. Oh, I dropped a quarter. I’m not going to slip my vertebrae for it, thanks.

Oh, so you’re a comedian, that makes sense. For a moment, I thought you were just on really good coke. And was a greedy heeb for not once offering me any, my bad.

Met a hippie musician who used to bang a girl who danced in a cage for Kid Rock shows. She was so enrapturing she almost ripped his life shooter out of it’s socket. She dumped him. Moral of the story is Kid Rock cage dancers can break your heart.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL
Do It All Dad
Volley Ball trophies, division 1, not bad.
You know Samuel, Daddy lived in Hermosa Beach for a bit. Sand scattered hard body navels abounded.

Janitor passes by and laughs long time.

Pelosi isn’t a racist because she claims her grandson sees only pinata colors in the heart of the barrio holmes.

Russian bots pushed fake news fro Kaepernick to take a knee. I thought Michelle Obama pushed him down in that direction, with her never been proud to be an American bullshit until her husband let ISIS run wild and usher in 2.9 GDP growth.

Michael Kornbluth

Nikki Sixx’s Snowflake Side

Stop calling nationalist a loaded word. The N bomb is a loaded word. ANTIFA lives matter, is an oxymoron.

How does an ANTIFA Terrorist in Portland, Oregon celebrate Mother’s Day? Take out the trash for once. Meaning, move out of the house for good.

INT. HOME
DO It All Dad
A gay journalist was beat up by ANTIFA in Portland yesterday.
Wife
I don’t want to hear it.
Do It All Dad
But you love Portland. Too bad, it’s no longer Bill Walton’s Portland babe.

Happy Triggering Day Advice:
Ivanka this, Ivanka that, Ivanka 2024.
1st Jewish, female American President bitches. Let’s see what feckless, tolerant cunts you are now.

An actor in the new Star Wars says, limited job offers for Muslim actors increases the odds in them becoming terrorists. So ANTIFA would go away, if only Ari Gold could score them a SAG card for yelling Nazi in unison for that elusive film credit?

Nikki Sixx now identifies with being a snowflake, based on the Republican use of the word to describe resistor twitter twats. He threw Axl around like a rag doll according to Circus Magazine back in the day.

Michael Kornbluth

My Millennial Mouseketeer Generation

INT. PIZZERIA
Do It All Dad
Do you think Durant will go down as the most tragic victim of cyberbullying of all time? Playing for Brooklyn, in Lena Dunham country would be such a KD move. He thinks he’s the voice for the Millennial Mouseketeer generation.
Pizza Manager laughs long time.

Since when should I give a shit about what Andre Iguodala says about anything? He was a sixth man on the most loaded guard team of all time, who came up big. So did Robert Horry, but I’m not clamoring for his book on his blah brained personality either.

If Michael Jackson were alive, what would his defense be? All the Beatles royalties points in the world, can’t buy me love.

“Fake News” and “Hate Speech” is how Trump won Google? I thought it was because more than half of America really hated Hillary Hammer Time Cankles. Happy doodling.

Leaked Google docs label Jordan Peterson a Nazi. I just thought he was anal about using the most exacting language possible to describe group think enslaved Twitter Twats addicted to latching on to fake news moralist grandstanding.

Google Exec defending herself on Medium for stating Google nation’s hurt feelings for Huma Licker Breath losing. We can’t let this happen again. We’ve got Chinese overlords on our Board of Directors to answer to. I think Marco Rubio is hot.

Dice and Roseanne are launching a Mr. and Mrs. America Comedy Tour. This is Dice.

Ivanka wanted Motely Crue to play at her dad’s inauguration because of Tommy Lee’s snake in his pants. Jared pleas. My Hebrew Hammer can’t compete Dad.

Trump has ties to Russia, duh. Most mail order bride owners do. Oh, would I love to give Melania a bang, Michelle Obama naked, meat bag boner gone.

Why do Trump and Melania sleep in separate beds? Does Donald need put his meat bag on ice from breaking off his joy stick in Melania’s muff mitt or what?

For the record, Valerie Jarret does live with Obama. She did author the nuke gifting Iran deal. So double down Roseanne and insist that horse faced wench Valerie Jarret is Obama’s Arabian Horse Whisperer on Fox News. I’d bang you again without the lights on.

Roseanne, how did you get so bangable all of a sudden? Is it your tan jugs, the blond highlights or the thought of you turning Tom Arnold into a fat, resistor, lesbian?

They still show Cosby show ads on TV land after commercials for Ambien in heavy rotation. But Roseanne’s show got canceled for a tweet, that makes sense.

The woman’s march on Washington. All I saw was a whole lot of Rosie’s sporting a whole lot of chin’s. I also thought. Talk about spreading your pussy hat supply thin.

Did you see the eye patch on Madonna? Did Jose Canseco drop a hot load in her eye for old times sake?

How blown up does Madonna’s snatch look by now? I bet it looks like it camel toed on to a landmine in the occupied territory. Oh, I can’t take no more.

INT. HOME
Plumber
My wife still likes Hillary also. Maybe, your book can convince her otherwise.
Do It All Dad
It can make your sex life above average again.

Am I the only person who doesn’t give a shit about sanctioning the Foreign Minister of Iran? Iran has less good will in the bank than Suge Knight. I want Kerry thrown in cuffs while wind surfing in the Cape this summer for sedition now.

Memo to Nicholas Kristof: Obama solved the nuclear crisis by nuke gifting Iran 150 billion, and putting the kibosh on Hezbollah money laundering, drug sting ring, because he didn’t want to disrupt his precious deal at the last sec? Got it, Mullah lover you.

Obama was seen on a boat in Italy with George Clooney. It wasn’t a banana boat float like the one Melo was on with Chris Paul & Lebron. Still, how does Obama not feel like second banana in this instance? At least Clooney did something of merit to win a prize.

Andy Richter, you know the unfunny, fat toad designed to make Conan come off as magnanimous? Yeah, so that hack accuses all evangelicals as “full of shit” for supporting Trump. Thank God you have a career in show biz at all, you dumpy, drollish, zero stage presence, parasite. Your boss wrote for the Simpsons with twenty-five other writers. We got it.

Isn’t there an unwritten man code that says barber shall not touch your fucking eyebrows in the midst of a beard trim unless specified? Even if I’m a unibrow Siamese twin who could use some personalized hubba, hubba, winkle for my own flirtation game.

Do It All Dad putting his foot down.
I can’t handle Colby asking you to write something in his yearbook. You belong to me and your two brothers for the indefinite future. I’m happy for you.
Younger brother blurts. I’m not happy for you.

When your wife voices concerns, about rat infestations and drowning of your kids because of your own doing. You don’t regret voicing concerns of your wife boring your kids to death in your debt book without your steadying presence around as much.

Michael Kornbluth

Hillary Knows Cybersecurity

Picking Hillary Clinton as the keynote speaker for a Cybersecurity Summit is like Shawn Kemp teaching a seminar on pulling out in a parody of Tom Cruise from Magnolia by the Duplass Brothers.
But seriously, why is Hillary Clinton getting paid to give a speech at the Cybersecurity Summit via Skye next door to her comprised, yet quaint server farm in her Chappaqua home? Was the CEO of Sony too consumed with assuring Kevin Hart they wouldn’t shortchange him and pay him to plug his movies to his Twitter followers.

Hillary Clinton speaking at a Cybersecurity summit is like R Kelly getting paid to babysit the latest Kardashian out of the womb.

Will Hillary be giving a seminar on how to throw off FBI investigators looking into emailing Top Secret intel to dummy non-work email addresses like yourmamaobama@gmail.com?

Hilary giving a speech on Cybersecurity is like hiring Kevin Durant as the keynote speaker on how drain out the noise of Cyberbullying.

Who decides to pay Hillary Clinton to give a speech on Cybersecurity exactly? Did the CEO of Norton Anti-Virus feel he owed her for failing to block out Anthony Weiner’s personal dick pick posing stash from the feds?

What was the Cybersecurity roundtable thinking, allowing Hillary Hammer Time Cankles to be a featured speaker their summit? Only Charlie Sheen whiffed more at the AVN Adult Entertainment expo.
Paying good money to hear Queen Hillary give you a dissertation on password protection is like peeing money away on a golden shower based Russian dossier with less legs than Lieutenant Dan.

How is Hillary a respected authority on Cybersecurity again? I thought only Lorne Michaels gave paid host spots to Seth Myers in the form of participation trophies for coming across as a forgettable, humorless, blood draining boring stiff on SNL.

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

Shameless Debut Book Plug

Controlling our kids with comedy can make our kids great again, my behaved, super sweet, fuss free kids as a whole are living proof of it.

 

I’d like to think my WordPress followers would’ve developed a heightened interest in devouring a copy already.

 

Thanks again, for making the process of writing this book an interactive, less lonely one.

 

Below is my first universal book link to Barnes, Kobo, Apple, Amazon, you name it, thanks to Draft 2 Digital.

books2read.com/u/mKEjVv

 

Michael Kornbluth

Jimmy Fallon’s Writers Hate

Jimmy Fallon’s writers hate him because he didn’t rub Trump’s hair off, so a real-life skin head would emerge.

 

Brody Stevens tragic death, Hollywood Reporter? Joan Rivers getting knocked off for outing you know who was a tragic death. Also, can we stop glamorizing suicide for one second? Then again, I’d want to kill myself if my eulogy in the Hollywood Reporter was prefaced with, for A listers like Sarah Silverman. You know the real authority on maturity, knowing she still rips bingers in her hoodie into her late forties.  Why doesn’t the Hollywood Reporter put a spotlight on how most stand-up comedians aren’t lighting rods of conversation off stage because they’re not too warm hearted, giving humanitarians in the first place?  I hate to highlight Mein Kemp highlighting Bukowski, but he did refer to writers as a whole, at least the good ones as, “selfish, awful people, who save their best selves for the page.” I think you can say the same thing for Brody Stevens, assuming he wasn’t always dying up there at the Laugh Factory on Sunset Blvd. I do recall him on Jeff Ross’s roast show once and making a comment about using kettle bells. Sarah could use some core crazy normalizing these days.

Also, the Jewish rape doctor bit Sarah did back in the day on the Larry Sanders show, was written by someone else and her old show on Comedy Central sucked donkey dick after the pilot. Sarah Silverman gives new meaning to being heralded for making half-ass, half hearted, half-smile inducing comedy,  borderline shock jock humorish material, funny post her performance on the Pamela Anderson roast. Great look though, still defending Obama Sarah. Iran totally respected their time out from nuke building because your savoir gave them 150 billion for overseas manufacturing jobs for Build A Bear,to make the economy less reliant on the sale of hair removal products for your busted slinky bush alone babe.

Jon Snow going to a fancy rehab center in CT for 75 grand a month ruins everything. He was supposed to be the more Alpha Dog Orlando Bloom yet now you get the impression he’d startle easy from a cutting stare from Gordan Ramsey on Master Chef, celebrity edition, fake knights of the roundtable. For his take on Dothraki Lamb burgers. Ramsey yells.

“This burger taste like burnt villagers Jon Snow. Plus, the Dothraki would skull fuck you on the spot for infusing their burgers with rosemary, garlic aioli. Dothraki’s are never confused with shishy bitches like yourself John, no offense.”

 

Memo to AOC.

Our border Detention Centers have central AC, which is more than I have, let alone starving orphans in death camps in Auschwitz. Without smart phones, kicks and orange soda stained XL Jams, Miss Yorktown Heights, which is greener than your freezer at campaign headquarters, to puff down with Snoop on 420. Whose brain hovers a notch above porn hood hell.

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Filling Out My Own Father’s Day Card

Daddy, what’s an anti-oxidant?

Bitter foods supposed to play a prevent defense on disease attacks explaining why Kale pesto has become a thing now.

Bitter bile from the NY Times only accelerates Trump Derangement Syndrome.

Brainstorming color schemes with my wife for our home entrance way.

What about rose red?

Wife says. It feels juvenile to me.

I reply. What does losing your virginity to Crash Into Me by Dave Matthews have to do with it?

Speech opener for my brother’s August wedding. God has given my brother more second shots than George Steinbrenner offered Steve Howe.

My Dad Wrote A Porno has gotten 150 million downloads.

But it’s a porno that takes place in England, gross.

Unless JK Rowling is getting titty blasted by Guy Ritchie, I’m not interested, in her snatch shots that is.

Hope Hicks is so hot, John Cryer wouldn’t cry if he walked into her dressing room at CBS by mistake, with Chuck Lorre wearing his finest platform shoes from the 70’s show for her dream cameo in the Big Bang Theory as a MAGA Bot sex doll come to life.

Jonah Goldberg so wants insult king praise from Scott Adams. Not that I give a shit about Scott Adam’s zero laugh out loud generating prose or ugly cartoons. But to insinuate Trump is anything less than a master insult slayer is jealous dumb.

EXT. Lakeside Field Club
Mom
Field Club equals gentiles.
Do It All Dad
Your Jewish friends are so wonderful?
Besides Nancy, because she’s more into inspirational leaders like Trump than empty, sociopaths pantsuits like Hillary.

EXT. Lakeside Field Club
Mom
Field Club equals gentiles.
Do It All Dad
Your Jewish friends are so wonderful?
They still subscribe to the NY Times.
Also, you didn’t call me on my birthday from Israel. So, stop acting so high and mighty.

EXT. Lakeside Field Club
Mom
Field Club equals gentiles.
Do It All Dad
Your Jewish friends are so wonderful?
All you do is bitch how Joan thinks buying second hand cloths is beneath her, which you find galling because she’s from the Bronx. Would you say the same thing about Ellen Barkin?Obviously banging Ron Perlman for the money wasn’t beneath her.

INT. HOME
Wife
You filled out the Father’s Day card I never had to time to fill out for you. As long as your pleased with yourself.
Do It All Dad
What a kind of do it all dad would I be if I didn’t fill out a Father’s Day card in my honor? Plus, you’re always telling me how I’m the writer in the relationship, not you.

Michael Kornbluth

Boyish Boring

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Colby chants her name in class, when she hits homers in wiffle ball and he’s the best athlete in class. You better recognize.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
25 years of blow and booze and now you blame your stomach issues on being lactose intolerant? You’re a performance coach because?

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Matilda doesn’t prance down the court on her tippy toes. Looking like she’s sporting high heels instead of high tops like I did.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
I had her clearing 5 stairwell stairs at 4. Now, she’s breaking school high jump records in the 3rd grade, jerkoff.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Again, she already broke the school high jump record in the 2nd grade. You blow through eight balls in record time.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
She just finds most traditional team sports boyish boring. You know like Mom with the Knicks.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Matilda already has her own home run dance. She signs her autograph with the tip of her Wiffle Bat every time she goes yard.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Matilda already as one more belt in Kung Fu than our entire immediate family combined.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Matilda can already do a perfect cart wheel, which is more than I can say for mama’s off balance, half formed monstrosity.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
She’s not clamoring to play softball yet because she prefers to play wiffle ball with me instead, her exact words actually.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Matilda kisses her guns as she makes the monkey bars her bitch again and again. You’re such a waste of breath.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Dad sent you to an all Catholic boarding school full of Division One hockey players who threw pennies at you during Mass. But I’m the clueless dad coach over here.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Have you molded a girl who teachers want to clone to ensure their lives are fuss free forevermore?

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
She can throw a perfect spiral and your life is constantly spiraling out of control. Given up gambling again Ace?

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
You get all your opinions on life from analogies on sports radio. Collin Herd is an overrated, boring twerp. Stephen A, he isn’t.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Joan Rivers didn’t play ball either. But I’m sure Hugh Jackman will perform at your funeral sendoff.

Michael Kornbluth