Tag: Parenting

Jewish Jesus Lives

by doitalldadyear, posted in fiction, humor, writing

Zelensky crashed a Saudi hosted Arab summit, claiming, “You can’t turn a blind eye to Russian aggression. They jail our journalists for speaking the truth, and that’s my job. And with all due respect, Prince Mohammed, our bio lab R&D budgets to work on new weapons of mass destruction don’t pay themselves. With your support, I can draft Orthodox Jews, who refuse to fight for Israel because they’re a bunch of pushover pinko pussies. I’ll make them fight for us. I’ll throw in some free agent Russian hookers who Hunter has on speed dial to sweeten the deal. Besides, The Ukraine is the new Israel, haven’t you heard? Jewish Jesus lives, Challah. Thank you very much. 

Saudi Prince says, “Aren’t you the guy who plays the piano with his penis, schmeckle spot? But calling yourself Jewish after getting your kids baptized is a stretch like Hillary Hammertime Cankles claiming how half of her deleted emails were yoga related. Contemplate a divorcation from your power naps on Gucci dufflebags of cash in St. Barts and will talk. Or I’ll unmask your okayness with Hair Plugs Sniffer ordering the bombing of the Nordstream Pipelines because cheap natural gas powering the Mercedes Benz factories in Kraut breath Germany matter. Filling up my wife’s Mercedes Benz SUV shouldn’t cost more than burka cleaning bills in Allah’s hymen hacking paradise. Jewish Jesus would get crucified again if he supported this criminal administration’s premeditated effort to kill off our energy independence. It’s like the Big Guy hogging up all of Hunter’s adderall for himself after giving up blow for blow painting allegedly, after getting paid 52 grand a week by a Ukrainian sports drink energy company, to push chilled borscht as the new Kombucha. So stop acting like the second coming of Jewish Jesus, squinty. You’re not bumping elbows with the needy unless Andy Dick elbows you out of the way to snarf up your last line of blow.”

Jewish Jesus lives, how else can you forgive this neverending shit show? Jewish Jesus lives, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

When America Winces

by doitalldadyear, posted in blogging, entertainment, humor, politics

At a parent-teacher conference for my son’s Kindergarten class, his Spanish Teacher implores us to bring Spanish to our home. I raise my hand and ask, “Isn’t one home invasion enough?” 

When America winces, Challah, thank you very much. 

Self-Defense is deader than Kyle Rittenhouse’s prospects during pledge week at the University of Arizona. 

When America winces, Challah, thank you very much. 

I wish toothpaste tasted more like Bud Light. So, I wouldn’t taste anything afterward except Kid’s Rocks spurned tears. 

When America winces, Challah, thank you very much. 

Now Kid Rock can’t play beer pong with groupies on Spring Break in Daytona Beach without his gag reflex kicking in to the image of a Dylan Hepburn finger popping American Badass from behind to Devil Without Cause?

When American winces, Challah, thank you very much. 

10.8 million Tik Tock followers are ten times platinum. So, I’d lose my zest for pounding Bud Light on the front leg of my F Hair Plugs Sniffer Tour, Born free, my balls.

When America winces, Challah, thank you very much.

I’m guilty of wincing after asking Alexa how many followers Dylan Hepburn Mulvaney has on Tik Tok before finishing that joke. 

I didn’t wince because Dylan Mulvaney is trans. I winced because she’s hackier than John Mullaney’s act in Jerry Seinfeld’s Bar Mitzvah suit. 

When America winces, Challah, thank you very much. 

I also winced at the thought of how Dylan is the best American-made Trans talent Tik Tok offers these days. Our Chinese Overlords wouldn’t consider Dyland Hepurn Lady Boy gold material of any kind, especially since the price of the US dollar is more depressed than Trumpy Poo’s tits knowing that Operation Death Speed continues to cause more cases of cardiac arrest than torn condoms on Bill Maher’s party bus tour of Rio De Janeiro during Marti Gras, sponsored by Third Legged Beauties.com. 

When America winces, Challah, thank you very much.

I bet Dylan Mulvaney isn’t even real, just a CIA-made, augmented reality version of what a trans influencer spokesperson for Bud Light would look like based on John Mulaney’s stool sample alone.

How Dylan’s sex appeal alone is generate 10 million followers on Tik Tok? It sounds more prosperous than John Mulaney selling out Madison Garden because he had the balls to after Seinfeld for a change. Cosby was rapist for 4 decades in a row. What happened to your powers of observation then Jerry?

When America winces, Challah, thank you very much.

Click Farms in India wince at padding Dylan’s numbers more than they did for the creep Swede in Succession.

When America winces, Challah, thank you very much. 

Michael Kornbluth 

Classroom Reader Fantasy

by doitalldadyear, posted in entertainment, family, writing

Comedians take advantage of stage time whenever it’s available.


It doesn’t matter if you shamelessly plug 3 of your self-published books in front of Kindergarteners during your role as a Classroom Reader.


It’s also fun to freak your kids’ teachers out with a little comedic misdirection during your presentation.


I open with.


What are you kids interested in hearing today?


Then I start whipping out my well-reviewed, self-published book gems one by one out of my grey designer backpack from the Nordstrom Rack.


Because I must stay in character as a shishy stay-at-home shemale comedian.


Who’s dying to get laughs in person versus laughing at my jokes later from Shabbat Shalom Ramble while housing a half bottle of Don Julio while freaking out my daughter’s friends during his 1st sleepover at our house in the process.


My textbook presentation on comedic misdirection went like this.


I say.

Do you want to hear Do It All Dad Does Jokes, Controlling My Kids With Comedy, A Love Story, or the Great American Jew Novel? Sike. Today, I will be reading you a G-rated book called Book Of Bad Banners instead. Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman will not tickle your fancy just yet. For the record, that joke was your teacher only.


And my son’s two teachers continued to laugh long time that was the equivalent of lock jaw love in my eyes.

Classroom Reader Fantasy, Challah. Thank you very much.


I wanted to add, “Who’s in favor of Dragon Queens reading stories to Kindergarteners?”


Drag Queens reading Bi-Curious George to a bunch of sexually confused Hipster spawn reared on Lou Reed records is scary because Fluorescent Library lights don’t look flattering on anybody, especially on a vampy, poor man’s Marilyn Manson impersonator.


And how are puberty blockers even a thing today, kids?


When I was a pubescent teen, puberty couldn’t come soon enough, especially after my younger brother hit puberty and banged the three hottest girls in his class, whom I tried to jerk off to at the time but couldn’t, which made me feel like a big brother bust. Think Eddy Curry on the Knicks with a shitter hook shot.


One year, my mother got me a book called the 12 Stages of Puberty for Hannukah, which was humiliating because my younger brother had already bloomed under the Fruit of the Looms.

I say.


Mom, why would you get me this book besides my younger brother?

Jonathan can play himself whenever he wants.


Mom says.


But you do that all the time already with your GI-Joe Figures.


Classroom Reader Fantasy, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Michael Kornbluth

Obama Leaks

by doitalldadyear, posted in entertainment, politics, writing

Imagine any member of the black community getting a gag order today?


Jill Biden would still invite them to the White House.


And say.


Unload in my mouth.


Obama ordered you to leak it.


Obama Leaks, Challah.


Thank you very much.


Imagine Obama being arrested for anything.


What’s the charge, your honor?


You’re a Trump appointee, aren’t you, Judge?


Trump appointee judges are still considered controlled opposition, according to mongoloid commentators on the Gateway Pundit.


You don’t scare me is my point, Judge. Amy Barrett is Mia Farrow with better husband selection.
Judge says.


So, you listen to the Do It All Dad Year Podcast too?


That Michael Kornbluth is one half Heeb crazy Moffo.


Deplorable is anyone who’s glad Jussie Smollett took a shot is economical genius right there.


I can’t get enough of the kid, personally.


So back to you, Obama, Be Good.


You’re being arrested for writing off hot dogs and pizza for pool time entertainment at John Podesta’s house as a fundraising expense since you become the face behind the open borders, openly grooming, rape enablement party?


Get the fuck out of my face.


You look like Andy Dick in blackface after Aids.


I still can’t get the picture of former NSA head John Brennan sniffing your Birkenstocks after your bike ride together in Martha’s Vineyard caught on Anthony Weiner’s laptop when you weren’t looking.


I’m sending you to Gitmo; you’re our last domestic terrorist left; you traded them all to Iran for a carton of Camel Extra Wides, right?


You might get lucky if Hair Plugs Sniffer jails a terrorist again for Arafat appreciation month.
And go woke yourself; Thugs Lives Matters Most.


You ruined the country with your race-baiting bullshit in less than ten years flat like your she-he’s wife tits.
Brittney Griener feels busty in her presence, my chest.


Hey, Hussein, has anyone ever told you, you’re a Mallato drone version of W, but worse?


At least Ellen admits to being friends with W because she’s pro-Bush.


I only remember your thicker half, flapping it around on Ellen like she-he doesn’t care.


I’m good friends with Marv Albert; I understand the attractions to Trans gals in the sack.


But allowing kids to chop off their dick before it blooms under their fruit of looms seems a tad premature.


So, the charge you’re going to Gitmo for is enabling Genital Mutilation gone wild only to downplay your surging interest in taking it up the colo from Michelle on the regular since you were at Walter Payton’s club in Chicago on Sprinkler Blitz Back Night.


What’s my problem with genital mutilation gone wild, Obama Be Meh? Lou Reed Junior’s dick will still be missing at the China Club when he’s 17 pre-hackathon off, despite him feeling lust loinless arousement behind some fat ass Latina swallowing up his fake news cock whole, because the link to his boner directive youth is going baby gone.


Genital Mutilation gone wild.


Sharia Law lives, Challah.


Thank you very much.


Michael Kornbluth

Less Than Shit

by doitalldadyear, posted in culture, politics, writing

How are these Christians kids slaughtered in Tennessee so easily disregarded?

Trans people aren’t fighting for their existence.

It’s Christian Rights nation’s right to defend itself that is, especially since the day Democracy died.

At this point, I want a Confederate flag tattoo, move down south and become an opening standup comedy act for Toby Keith.

Deplorable is anyone who’s glad Jussie Smollett took a shot.

But you’re less than shit if you support the murdering of Christian babies because you hate Jesus loving Americans who have less need for Twitter followers than jalopy looking Tesla’s.

Wife is coming home now. That was fun while it lasted. But just to end on a campier note in honor of Trans Topping Nation.

Trans kids, just means gays in his girl’s clothing. Daughter says. But Shakespeare dressed up like a girl in all his plays. So, does that mean Shakespeare was Trans?

I reply.

I don’t think so kid. But Kevin Spacy is definitely gay about lunging at Othello in tights.

Less than shit is anyone cool with using the murder of Christian children to flaunt their A plus atheist cuntry on a sleave, Whoopie Goldberg coming out as the Trans version of Ghost Face Killer included.

Less than shit, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Wimp Heaven

by doitalldadyear, posted in poetry, technology, writing

I wonder if Kevin Smith used a Fountain Pen with red ink when he got hired on the down low to rewrite Good Will Hunting. I know only Seinfeld is allowed to crack wise. Interesting fact, Walt Disney preferred tobacco brown ink, over black. You don’t say? According to Walt, black ink didn’t give much texture to each stroke. Wasn’t the Constitution written in black ink? I know ancient, outdated relic of yesteryear, totally get it. But black ink doesn’t give much texture to each stroke? Ice Cube, feel free to chime in anytime you want, anyone out there, Mueller, Mueller. But Walt Disney only favored tobacco brown over black ink for mere aesthetic reasons only. Sure, and bug on stick trucks in Davos this year won’t clean up. Black ink doesn’t give as much texture to each stroke. Tell that to Ice Cube’s Raider’s gear in the eighties. Even today, those throwback Raiders jerseys exude more layered in your face attitude than Tony Gwynn in Padres pinstripes ever did is all I’m saying. Wimp Heaven lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Woody Killers

by doitalldadyear, posted in culture, poetry, writing

The decline feature on LinkedIn-In Mail is designed to convey a semi-aggressive f off vibe, don’t you think?  

It’s the closest an IT nerd from a hedge fund in Greenwich, CT can get to hitting you over the head with NO.  

VP Of Product Engineering rumbles to his wife at night.

My team programs trading strategies for masters of the universe.

This Headhunter Writer couldn’t get into Hillsdale College early acceptance.

He’s a God damn disgrace.

You bet your ass, I declined his LinkedIn, In-Mail.

I’ve got no room in my life for another parasitical putz face.

We manage big Pharmas bankroll for Christ stake.

But seriously, the decline feature on LinkedIn Mail screams passive aggressiveness that’s out of breath.

How did this glamorized indentured servant who works on a draw, get the balls to hit on me?

I piss Benjamin’s as far as the eye can see, after my team polished off 2 kegs of Dog Fish 90 minute at our Company Retreat in Capri.

The decline feature on LinkedIn In-Mail is designed to rub in your short sighted loserness in your face.

Yeah, smart move hitting on me through a keyboard lame o breath.

Why don’t you cold call me like a man, so I could tell you to f off in real time with more resounding Shazam?

When someone takes the time to click on Delcine after you blow your load on a LinkedIn In-Mail.

It means, you got under their skin a bit.

So, it’s their turn to make you feel like shit.

If someone actually takes the time to click on decline after receiving a LinkedIn In-Mail in means.

Either A) I want to take a shower

B) Your confidence is off putting

C) You’re not hot enough to hit on me.

D) You’re too dumb to do what I do.

E) Everything you spat in my direction; I can articulate better.

F) Frankly, I don’t normally read LinkedIn Mails because most Recruiters are illiterate burnouts, but I don’t want to you feel sneeringly superior around your pathetic plagued peers.

G) My day just went from good to great, by putting you in your place.

H) Hacks are us, not interested. If I had an ugly stick, I’d beat you over the head with it, till you scurried off to cave underground with nobody else around, where you belong.

I) Idiot, nobody writes in complete sentences anymore. What makes you so special? #RookieRecruitersneverknowwhentothrowinthetowel

J) Jump off a bridge already. You hit on nerds for a living. If were still in high school, Alpha males in school, wouldn’t even waste their time acknowledging your bottom feeding, sexless existence.

K) Kill yourself. I went to the University of Chicago. You went to Ithaca, which is Cornell’s retarded next door neighbor, I win again.

L) Love yourself less. You’re desperate, delusional, dunz face for thinking this attempt to connect would impress.

M) You have no business feeling cooler than any millennial mousketeers who made twice what you make since they raised minimum wage their senior year in college.

N) Nudge your boss into firing you by wearing a xeroxed copy of your latest COVID test at work, so you can make more money collecting unemployment.

O) How do you feel outstanding doing what you do? You badger companies into hiring software engineers who are going to get a new job anyway. Regardless of you emailing their resume, which is your only way to sway.

P) Piss off, you predatory peon scrub. You’re only good at taking well enough to get another recruiter job, you’ve haven’t gotten fired from yet bud.

Q) Quit your recruitment agency career already. You obviously care more about entertaining yourself than your intended audience within the IT sphere, who aren’t known for their rolling senses of humor in the 1st place.

Y) Yuck it up Headhunter Writer. Have fun telling yourself that writing inspires the next time you get fired.

Z) Give your brain a rest and take some Z’s. I bet your sneezes are annoying too. So, f off already please. Do I have to get on my knees?

But Headhunter Writer inspires. So how you can decline further chats with me?  

Oh, yeah, you’re a deadweight conversationalist.

That’s what I get for pissing up the wrong tree.

Woody Killers live, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Born To Woo

by doitalldadyear, posted in business, poetry, writing

Hi Joe,

Joshua Kornbluth here, Recruitment Parter for the Human Edge, consider me a risk-free hedge.

Why are you experiencing hiring pains?

Is it the time sucking practice of sorting through resumes on weekends away from your friends and kids beyond lame?

Why can’t you find enough qualified candidates?

Is your job description blah that produces nothing but shruggish nah’s?

Why do you keep missing out on the best candidates for the job?

Is it overreliance on coding tests, or having a gun-shy recruiting partner who’s sloppy second best?

Why is your talent pool so shallow?

Does your recruiter watch reality TV shows at night in a permanently flatlined state of fixated wallow.

Is your recruiter not good at wooing?

Do they act immune to booing?

Have you considered removing interview steps?

Interview overkill is the kiss of death.

Only 30 percent of companies can fill roles in 30 days.

I’ll fill your role in 2 weeks.

Aggression pays.

The remaining companies take anywhere from 1-3 months to hire.

How are these hiring partners not getting fired?

Janis Joplin died a rock legend at 27.

I’ll fill your roles faster than it takes Janis to finish a bottle Southern Comfort in rock star heaven.

What special ingredient is missing from your team?

You haven’t worked with Headhunter Writer yet.

Your one-man pitch machine.

What’s preventing you from getting better company into your life?

You just haven’t worked with a recruiter with enough personality yet to woo Mr. Right.

Headhunter Writer excels at flirting with She Pronouns too.

Unlike your middle of the road meh recruiter.

I was born to woo.

Your Favorite Headhunter Writer,

Joshua Kornbluth

Sensitive To Stale

by doitalldadyear, posted in humor, poetry, writing

The technician from Optimum reconnects our Internet.

I declare.

“God is dead. Not today Nietzche, not on Optimum’s watch. God lives, Challah, thank you very much.”

And the Optimum Tech says, God lives. Can you include that plug in your customer service satisfaction survey?” Hashtag, #GoWokeYourselfNietzche.

Fresher is better, Challah.

Thank you very much.

I’m flipping 2 middle fingers to the Internet for being out for 3 days by playing a plethora of records at home on vinyl during our Internet fast such as Fats Domino, Warren Zevon, Miles Davis and Meatloaf. But then I try to inject artistic deepness into my life by buying Hunky Dory by David Bowie to play on a Saturday night which failed to give me sustained stiffage of any kind.

You know a David Bowie record is a chuck worthy offense. When you can’t even get through half of the second side without flicking the clunker at little Hudson’s face.

And say, “Stop bitching kid. Your hipster hack dad could’ve named you Bowie instead. Ziggy Stardust sucks when he reverts to being David Bowie again. Glam metal is no substitute for an enviable personality kid. That’s why your mom Micro-Doses with magic mushrooms to make you more interesting than your father pretends to be.”

Fuck David Bowie.

I want to dress my blond-haired son as Craig Ehlo for Halloween.

To celebrate a time, pre-social media when the NBA wasn’t a safe space for Lebron James ego before he anointed himself, King of The Persecution Complex.

Just so a dad from my Gen X generation says.

“Hey kid, are you dressed as Craig Ehlo from the 86 Cavs? I should call Child Services. I can’t tell if you’re dressed up to go Trick or treating or tea bagging with MJ? Hey kid, did you know that Tom Chambers isn’t in the hall of fame after scoring 20,000 career points? White privilege, my ass. ”

Fresher is better, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth