A Wasabi Salesman in Bergen, Norway, loses his heralded sense of taste.
DVD Phone Girl
A phone sales rep for a porno studio in North Hollywood loses her sex talk fluency after getting talked into snuggling.
Tom Petty Girl
A pothead waitress forgets to take the pill.
The Koshertarain Godfather
A shadow banned comedian puts an ad in the Wall Street Journal for a Koshertarian Godfather.
Headstart on Cancer
An estranged trust fund baby tells his dad about coming out as a stay at home she male comedian called Killerset Kornbluth who performs topless with a pink Brooks Brother tie on for his rapidly expanding fan base on Only Fans, which he’ll be promoting on Facebook before his potential Lung Cancer biopsy diagnosis.
Gum King Of New York
A broke, stay-at-home dad reinvents himself as a pitch person for the QVC after going into business with his sponsor at AA.
Lust for Lita
A stay-at-home dad gets busted by his wife for falling victim to a fishing scandal by a fake news Lita Ford.
A just-fired IT Recruiter disrupts the job market for young adults with Down Syndrome by recruiting an army of door-to-door sales reps at the Special Olympics to sell his new hop-flavored gum Hop-O-Rama Chew.
Man nods at me with a mask on on MetroNorth, acting like I’m one of them. He might as well have said, “Howdy partner. You’re too good for noshing on bugs on a stick yet.”
“Care to take a ride in my cow hide? Assuming you’re quadrupled boosted, got proof of vaccination and got nothing to hide.”
I got up and changed seats immediately.
I don’t want any masked puppet pawn to ever think I’m on their side, especially since all Patriots have been declared domestic Terrorists for protesting against a stolen election since the day Democracy died.
Yesterday, my son asks, “What did you learn at work today? I say, “I learned that Chili is the best place for stargazing on the planet.” He says, “Isn’t that the Northern Lights.” I say, “Have you seen Bjork with no makeup on? They don’t call her warmup act the Shrieking Seals for nothing.” Your submission was made yesterday. We presented you as a UX/UI Designer with breath taker designs to show, without using the actual expression breath taker, but you get the gist. It brought me pleasure to put your portfolio in a turn on position. Best Always, Joshua K P.S. Loved Bjork in the movie Dancer In the Dark.
Text a picture of a Hannukah mug your son created using oil pastels that could be sold in the MOMA gift shop easy. And you either A) Don’t acknowledge the creative genius at work B) Pretend you didn’t know the mini masterpiece came from your creatively jacked son or C) Act as if you never received the text afterwards because you’re not getting texts from Android devices allegedly or D) Fail to suck of the totality of its awesomeness after you acknowledge how the second follow text went through or E) Only muster a blandish, all your kids are special reply after hounding for a reply of any kind prior. It means, you passed the Godless Cunt test with flying colors.
Brother says to my son, “All those guys in the photo are my friends.” I say, “That’s why Uncle Jon blanks on my birthday because he has so many birthdays to remember. Assuming he swore off posting selfies of himself driving on Facebook. A Plus Narcissist lives matter most. Back surgeries from bending over backwards to kiss our own assholes is the family tradition. Who else would birth the expression 100 percent happy than an A plus narcissist like Uncle Jon who makes Hunter Biden look like a slacker underachiever in comparison?” Brother says, “I’m not an A Plus Narcissist.” I say, “You broke off an incoming marriage the weekend before the wedding date, before wrecking another one in a little over a year while somehow managing a way to frame your ex-lovers as the druggy degenerate slave drivers of the relationship, when neither of them did nose candy or heroin pills prior Sir Snort a Lot. Plus, you still think it’s a good look posting driving selfies on Instagram with the asshole filter permanently disabled. So, no offense A plus narcissist, but the point of objective return has passed you by bro. Just regift my Nintendo wedding gift for your 2 nephews in addition to the Pro Wrestling game I got you to overcompensate for you failing to acknowledge their birthdays ever outside of you offering me blow on my son’s birthday 7 years ago and I’ll rebrand you a C plus narcissist, which is very generous on my part. Arthur was born on New Year’s Day. Next year he turns 9, so you’ll still be in a fortunate position to be the 1st person to wish him a happy birthday in the morning because you only hear last call from the bathroom stall. Lighting some fireworks for the kids this past 4th Of July doesn’t compare to the blasts of angelic light they emit from smiling alone, which could light up a youth hostel with no Wi Fi during the next Chinese planted plague, but it’s a soul stirring start. Just stop acting like the poor unfortunate son when mom still breaks out in canker sores on your behalf. So much for being burnt out on last licks, far from fading, Challah. Thank you very much.
Remember when a reporter threw a shoe at W? The only way to one up the funny is to watch Biden on a live Facebook stream ducking behind a moat made of out of Fierce Blue Gatorade bottles after his Secret Service agents warn him of a fake news bombing campaign from Russia in the form of holograms with pictures of Drago on the missle tips on April’s Fools Day. Just so the female Secret Service agents can enact revenge on Mr. Groper for skinny dipping in their presence while boasting, “Told you, I was bigger than the boogie boarder from Kenya.” For once, The Icky Shuffle can’t shuffle away with his back turned toward the American people like a lost in time Tourist hick in Times Square. Because he’s drowning in a sea of shit while crouching into the fetal position, yelling, “Jill, Putin’s bombing Delaware. Why not bomb a Vineyard Vines store in Martha’s Vineyard 1st? Old money isn’t as money. Dress for new success. That’s why I wear dated Polo shirts instead. Where’s Hunter? Doing more blow again, only hearing last call from the bathroom stall? While his buds from the Sons of Anarchy yell, Where’s Hunter? Who else is going to pay for this shit? Do you think Zelensky likes me Jill? I financed World War 3 on his behalf. At the very least, you’d think he could spring for a new shirt already, that looks more played out than your fishnet stockings Jill. You think Jackie O would be caught dead looking like a small town ho, posing for Scarecrow Weekly? How do my hair plugs look better than your highlights from hell Jill? How does your hair look more brittle than Hunter on Election Day? When he leaned in to hug me like I just pardoned him from serving 30 years in a Turkish prison after being busted for trying to smuggle kilos of hash on Jet Blue? Like he couldn’t have dialed up Cat Stevens in LA if he was in a jam. Wasn’t he Obama’s best man at his wedding to Michael? When Obama described Farsi as the most beautiful .
. sound in the universe, who do you think he was referencing, Yassir Arafat, Jill? No, Obama Ears was talking about Islam’s answer to James Taylor. I’m being followed by Drago’s shadow.” Jill says, “Those bombs are holograms dear. Fucking Christ, the neverending shit show never ends with you Joe. Where’s Joe the Plumber when you need him?”
Crappier number 2 shits on, Challah. Thank you very much.
I’ll suck Michelle’s dick if my master pushes me in that direction.
I’ll pretend that his butt boy Trudeau ordered me to leak it.
Haunting hacks, Challah.
Thank you very much.
I don’t like Jets fans working for Startups. They yuck up the whole ecosystem. The 2 just clash like Mike Francesa doing a podcast, Jill Biden brushing her hair for a change or John Podesta becoming a photojournalist for Teenbeat in the eighties during the height of Menudo.
Biden begging for oil again.
You want Florida? No that’s not enough? Saudi Disney has a nice ring to it. No lines for Saudi royals, unless Hunter’s willing to share.
My daughter wasn’t scared from her 1st ride on the Dragoncoaster. After the ride, she says, “Daddy, the Dragoncoaster was sturdy, you rickety bitch.
Haunting hacks, challah.
Thank you very much.
This is a text widget, which allows you to add text or HTML to your sidebar. You can use them to display text, links, images, HTML, or a combination of these. Edit them in the Widget section of the Customizer.