Why Aren’t You Working?

Once upon a time there was a stay at home comedian obsessed with creating the killer set except he has to look after his 3 kids and can’t get out to perform his jokes the way he did in Manhattan and at a sexless coffee shop in Park Slope during his early thirties. His old school email address was killerset@gmail.com

Every day, he wrote jokes on Twitter, posted new blogs on WordPress and hosted a podcast when his wife was home to look after their 3 kids.

One day, his wife declares an ultimatum, get a real job or move out.

Because of that stay at home comedian starts applying for white collar recruiter jobs. Which is how he earned a living as a cold calling beast in Manhattan Beach and Westwood, in Southern, California, before falling for fatherhood.

Because of that he scores some interviews but nobody takes him seriously because he’s perceived as an old, washed up, jaded, slacker Gen X never was, despite writing for VH1 twice in the past. But his TV writing break is yesterday’s news and 4 years ago already. Now, the most popular search Stay At Home Comedian appears under on LinkedIn is Homemaker.

Until finally, stay at home comedian gets the hint, he’s no longer wanted in Corporate America because of his pro Trumpian stances on social media in addition to having so many gap years on his resume.

Finally, stay at home comedian decides to embrace what’s he’s become a family man, stay at home comedian author on the rise.  He launches the Do It All Dad Year Podcast, hailing it as dad friendly entertainment for you and me. He changes his email address to doitalldadyear@outlook.com

Stay At Home Comedian decides to write a book of essays on his experience working remote as an unplanned father of 3 because by focusing on the pure, hilarious beauty of his children he minimizes his divisive, asshole persona.  Also, stay at home comedian realizes book authors are fire proof and at this point in his life stay at home comedian has been fired more than a Palestinian Sling Shot.

Deep down, Stay At Home Comedian, more than anything wants to get paid to hang out with his kids because he thinks they’re superior company than most. So he launches, a food history sketch based comedy show with his 3 kids The Pescatarian Comedians, which educates, empowers, enriches and entertains other do it all dads who struggle to find many family friendly venues to enjoy their children with anymore.

Stay At Home Comedian, becomes the face for the remote work revolution. Teaching the world how controlling our kids with comedy can make our kids great again and not such easily triggered douchebags from the sight of a MAGA hat at a Teenage Mutants Ninja throw back birthday party.

After their Bad Boy Soy Boy sketch goes viral. Stay at home dad scores a TV agent, from his self-published book, Falling for Fatherhood, How 3 Kids Got My Act Together. Food Network buys the rights for their family food history comedy sketch show, The Pescatarian Comedians and his new spinoff family meal review show, Double Talk With Chef Samuels get’s picked up my Universal Studios for a 12 episode commitment in the Fall.

Finally, this rags to riches tale proves to Stay At Home Comedian’s kids, there’s no problem your imagination can’t solve. Stay At Home Comedian proves he’s isn’t crazy for going after his new showbiz dream of making American family comedy great again by targeting his blend of observational, situational, historical informed, shishy bitch accentuated comedy to disrespected, belittled, neutered do it all dads today who need it the most today.

 

Why must I tell this story?

I must tell this story because it’s an aspirational, character based story about creating comedy magic with the ones you love to make the happiest. And stay at home comedian is a pretty animated, hilarious character to begin with.

What greater purpose does this story teach?

It teaches the best way for your kids to learn is by setting a strong example. And how it’s never too late in life to change bad habits and with good habits. It also teaches the importance of learning to trust your gut about what feels so right versus what feels so terribly wrong.

How is my story universal?

It’s universal because it teaches the importance of making the best of what’s around like Dave Mathews mumbled in the nineties on Under The Table and Dreaming.

My story is universal because every unplanned parent is thrust with the decision to A) Abandon old dreams, B) Fight to keep them alive or C) Pick a new and improved dream to achieve with your 3 children by your side.

It’s also a universal tale because what man can’t identify with feeling like the world’s most undesirable worker whose not in hot demand at one stage in his career or another, especially when you’re being denied the right to earning a living during the lowest US unemployment rate for the past 50 years. So you create a family comedy empire instead because there’s really funny and Judd Apatow.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Birth of a Pescatarian Comedian

I didn’t have much of a choice. Girlfriend now wife pitches. I’ll let you raise our future kids Jewish if we raise them pescatarian. Jesus was the original super Jew, sold.

Scientifically, the Pescatarian Diet has been proven to be the healthiest diet for guys who’d rather nosh on primo smoke salmon than burp up fish oil supplement residue.

The Pescatarian diet is like the Mediterranean Diet. Without fussing over whether you fry up your Greek Omelette in butter over olive oil compared to your little Greek Landlord. Who doesn’t have much leanage in his favor.

If I dare to cook a lamb burger at home. My kids yell yuck, yuck. So I outshine mommy in the kitchen with my Mexican Lasagna mixed with my homemade salsa on top of corn tortillas so my wife feels beneath me.

My wife can’t hide her dejected disgust whenever the 1st bites of my veggie casserole supreme prompt my kids to launch into their fabled yummy dance. Whizzing around the room yelling best daddy ever, best daddy ever.

Complex Carbs like whole grain animal crackers suck. If it tastes like shit, it’s shit. Nothing complex to comprehend here.

Arugula greens take my late night grill cheese sessions higher. Plus, the next morning I don’t feel so bitter about my mom raising a fat fuck on pure P&J’s alone.

My anti-oxidant rich kids never get sick. Unless my parents just wrapped up their annual visit. Apparently, good strawberries and baby spinach are harder to find in Scottsdale, Arizona than fat MILFs.

I’m a smoothie no hemp powder lover. Hemp Powder is Indigo Girls performing naked gross. Trust me.

No Peanuts at school. One of the kids is allergic. No Snoopy shirts either? Arthur loves his snoopy shirt where Snoopy is sporting an Uncle Sam hat. Let me guess. It’s too military recruiter pushy for the parents taste.

There’s a kid allergic to peanuts. So sorry. Arthur isn’t itching to watch a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving again either. Or he’ll break down into non-laughing hysterics.

Agave isn’t so sweet like my mother in law. It’s no wow worthy sub for honey. Agave is like Sammy Hagar’s tequila. It goes down Van Halen light. Got it good.

In defense of fish, you’re gross for ever admitting to liking Pop Tarts Jim Gaffigan. Fun Dip packs more hefty flavor. Your joke servings are so edgy, edgy, edgy.

Greek Yogurt has double the protein of regular yogurt. So that’s why my little Greek landlord can bench press twice his weight easy.

Jenna Jameson does the Kito diet good. She’s dropped crazy weight. Plus, Jenna was a real porn star. Calling Stormy Daniels one is like relegating Lexington Steele to a mere sideline freak.

This old daddy likes it raw. Red bell peppers dipped in homemade ranch is healthier than dipping into murkier, old dirty ho traps at the club.

Cauliflower or cat piss? That is the question. Before you cook it of course.

So you give up chicken parm for shrimp parm. Rocky gave up egg and cheeses when he trained to fight Apollo. You are what you eat fellas. So are you chicken shit or not?

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Daddy Isn’t Pescatarian

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are you eating meat?
Daddy
Sake Steamed Chicken with ginger and scallions.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian. I’ll drink another sake bomb to that.

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are those meat tacos?
Daddy
Duck tacos actually.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
Duck skin doesn’t count.
Hipster cred beckons.

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are you eating meat?
Daddy
Cheese steak to be exact.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
I’ve got semi-sharp provolone left to put some hair on your nuts.

Int. Breakfast Table
Daughter
Is that sausage?
Daddy
Turkey Sausage actually.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
And I was eating Turkey Burgers in LA before Jeremy Piven on Entourage.

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Is that a Field Roast from Whole Foods?
Dad
Traditional meatloaf with added veal meat for extra supple filling.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
Resist this.

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are you eating meat?
Daddy
Stir Fried, Hunan Beef.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Like the original super Jew Jesus Christ. Good for you.

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are you eating chicken?
Daddy
Fragrant Crispy Chicken.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
Doesn’t smell so yuck, yuck, anymore. Does it?
Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are you eating chicken?
Daddy
Soy Sauce Chicken Wings.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
We ran out of blue cheese.
Carrots in Sun Butter instead?

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are you eating chicken?
Daddy
Beggar’s Chicken.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
You want to dance for a nibble?

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are you eating chicken?
Daddy
Oyster Chicken.
Son
But daddy were Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
I’ll save some Oyster sauce. You can dip my scallions in it.

Int. Dinner Table
Daughter
Are you eating chicken?
Daddy
Actually, Cantonese Pressed Duck.
Son
But daddy we’re Pescatarian.
Daddy
Daddy isn’t Pescatarian.
And I’ve been ducking this dish for years

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth