The Relentless Optimist

What I love about President Trump the most, is his relentless optimism and over the top salesmanship. If Fuck Face Fauci told President Trump he contracted the HIV virus, because the Deep State pricked him with the virus in his sleep like they did to Easy E. The next morning at 530 AM still your President Trump would tweet, “Do I have I HIV? Yes, but my t-cell count numbers have never been stronger.”

Michael Kornbluth

The Sweaty Sex Period

All of my 3 kids are sweet around each most of the time, because they’re all beneficiaries of attachment parenting, which is turning your bed into a 24/7 open milk bar for the foreseeable future. Which isn’t the biggest deal in the world, knowing my sweaty sex period with my girlfriend now wife, only lasted one month max anyway. When our bang, bang bed actually bounced off the ground, defying all laws of gravity, considering my perpetual poundage of her snugger snatch of yesteryear.

 

Michael Kornbluth

Truth Stretcher

Hillary Hammer Time Cankles, claiming half of her destroyed emails as Secretary of State were only yoga-related is a stretch. That’s right, the other half of her emails detailed funeral arrangements in the woods, in case Chelsea’s fiancé decided to increase his asking price at the last second.

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Carlin Wouldn’t Have Aged Well Today

I’m glad George Carlin died when he did, because chances are he would’ve been another glaringly unoriginal, Trump resistor comic on the rag, which would be twice as depressing, knowing The Donald is the most anti-war President we’ve ever had, whose not apart of the military industrial complex club, which he spent the entirety of his stand-up comedy career decrying against. And what was George Carlin so bitter about towards the twilight of his career, knowing his daughter wasn’t even given her own satellite radio show on Sirius yet, to bore other stand-ups during interviews about their craft through sheer osmosis? Carlin was a working headliner for 5 decades at this point, which was more than you can for Lenny Bruce who died a broke junkie, defending himself, who couldn’t even afford the coffin he got buried in which Milton Berle paid for of all people. Plus, Carlin wasn’t hurting for cash in his late sixties and could’ve afforded to bang out some more kids to overcompensate for his dead-weight conversationalist of a daughter to brighten up his crabbier days, when hearing about tsunamis on CNN, wiping out large swaths of innocent life became his go to form of entertainment.

Michael Kornbluth