Ball Gags Made In China

What do Ellen and W bond over exactly? Besides being pro Bush. Do they invite Michelle Obama over for games of Operation, gender reassignment edition?

How does the withdrawal of 100 US troops help ISIS exactly? Will Jihadi John’s family come out of hiding under the ISIS witness protection program? Thinking, let’s start filming our comeback despite Turkey having less rules of war to follow.

The UN accuses Netherlands of Islamophobia over their Burka ban. But prostitutes in Amsterdam are on a widow display in the red light district of all colors, sizes and vary level of attractiveness. Plus, the sexual transactions aren’t against a woman’s will.

Henry Kissinger says the war against ISIS was never won. I recall Drone breath, do nothing to stop the draft or Vietnam, claiming 58,000 American lives. Our last war lost. Failing to overthrow Trump over a golden shower fantasy tale doesn’t count.

Better voters are the key to defeating Trump, Aaron Sorkin? Do more coke and write a play about a mad scientist who clones better voters in the mold of woke Mitty Romney’s, moron. Or just wing it on magic mushrooms and let Jeff Daniels help you.

Mattel released a doll with no gender. Does the doll identify as an Indifferent Asexualist? It must be a middle aged Ken Doll, whose wife threatens to dye his hair once he starts turning grey. Bemoaning his wife not having any hot friends to jerk off to.

It still disgusts me knowing Lebron get’s to play with Uni Brow. Knowing Ewing never bitched about Starks being his lone potential bail out number 2. At least when the Clippers beat them, Lebron can’t say he didn’t have enough good will hype in his favor.

Steve Kerr doesn’t protest against the hate speech police working at Facebook and Twitter for racially profiling all Trump supporters as dumb white trash. So I don’t see Kerr protesting red ball gags on NBA owners in Ted Cruz country, made in China, either.

Michael Kornbluth

You Ain’t Alright Hillary Supporter Left

Pitchfork named Alright by Kendrick Lamar, song of the decade. His song Damn wins the Pulitzer for music because Obama got the Nobel for relegating ISIS to ISIL. So they’d sound more start up friendly in Wired magazine.

Who told Samuel L Jackson it was cool to dress like Spike Lee’s grandmother? Who identifies as a jazz critic descendent of Sonny Rollins in Tyler Perry’s new film, The Uppity Cunt.

 

Hillary might run for President again in 2020?

What’s going to be her campaign slogan?

Vampires Don’t Need Stents

I Eat Fake News Indians for Breakfast

Chelsea Isn’t Ugly Anymore

Seth Rich Knows Whose Boss

Deplorable Boomer Mom Knows Best

 

Ukraine gave more money to the Clinton foundation than any other country on earth. All of a sudden Hillary’s got Kielbasa fever? Under her asexual druid robes from the remake of Dune, Attack Of The Sand Worms In My Drawer.

 

Trump ordered the take down of ISIS. Obama urged Putin to tell ISIS to cut it out. Now, Turkey doesn’t fuck around, so what’s wrong with them dealing with ISIS in Syria? Oh yeah, Ben Shapiro is a Kurdish loyalist now and Lindsey Graham’s on the rag.

 

Ellen Barkin thinks Trump supporters are dumb? You relied on writer’s words and Ron Perelman’s shampoo fortune for your paid off town house in the West Village babe. You got knocked up in a Barry Levinson film and smoked a cigar like a dude in Switch, yay.

 

Turkey is what you eat to look better in Calvin Klein briefs. Not because you crave to become a protéin pez inhaler like Ryan Reynolds. Dreaming ahead of inhaling more sumptuous slivers of Blake Lively in your Bedford stud farm between films again.

 

INT. House

Wife

Baby, you have my flat feet.

Do It All Dad

Thank God my DNA helped smooth out Baba’s bumpy bunion side. His perfect, inhaleable feet show no Ukrainian Troll traceage in sight. But Trump’s a wicked troll for exposing Lyin Biden.

 

The Good Men Project could get sued if they printed this made up dialogue exchange bound for glory.

Thank God she lost.

America will be alright after all.

 

Michael Kornbluth

Jimmy Fallon’s Writers Hate

Jimmy Fallon’s writers hate him because he didn’t rub Trump’s hair off, so a real-life skin head would emerge.

 

Brody Stevens tragic death, Hollywood Reporter? Joan Rivers getting knocked off for outing you know who was a tragic death. Also, can we stop glamorizing suicide for one second? Then again, I’d want to kill myself if my eulogy in the Hollywood Reporter was prefaced with, for A listers like Sarah Silverman. You know the real authority on maturity, knowing she still rips bingers in her hoodie into her late forties.  Why doesn’t the Hollywood Reporter put a spotlight on how most stand-up comedians aren’t lighting rods of conversation off stage because they’re not too warm hearted, giving humanitarians in the first place?  I hate to highlight Mein Kemp highlighting Bukowski, but he did refer to writers as a whole, at least the good ones as, “selfish, awful people, who save their best selves for the page.” I think you can say the same thing for Brody Stevens, assuming he wasn’t always dying up there at the Laugh Factory on Sunset Blvd. I do recall him on Jeff Ross’s roast show once and making a comment about using kettle bells. Sarah could use some core crazy normalizing these days.

Also, the Jewish rape doctor bit Sarah did back in the day on the Larry Sanders show, was written by someone else and her old show on Comedy Central sucked donkey dick after the pilot. Sarah Silverman gives new meaning to being heralded for making half-ass, half hearted, half-smile inducing comedy,  borderline shock jock humorish material, funny post her performance on the Pamela Anderson roast. Great look though, still defending Obama Sarah. Iran totally respected their time out from nuke building because your savoir gave them 150 billion for overseas manufacturing jobs for Build A Bear,to make the economy less reliant on the sale of hair removal products for your busted slinky bush alone babe.

Jon Snow going to a fancy rehab center in CT for 75 grand a month ruins everything. He was supposed to be the more Alpha Dog Orlando Bloom yet now you get the impression he’d startle easy from a cutting stare from Gordan Ramsey on Master Chef, celebrity edition, fake knights of the roundtable. For his take on Dothraki Lamb burgers. Ramsey yells.

“This burger taste like burnt villagers Jon Snow. Plus, the Dothraki would skull fuck you on the spot for infusing their burgers with rosemary, garlic aioli. Dothraki’s are never confused with shishy bitches like yourself John, no offense.”

 

Memo to AOC.

Our border Detention Centers have central AC, which is more than I have, let alone starving orphans in death camps in Auschwitz. Without smart phones, kicks and orange soda stained XL Jams, Miss Yorktown Heights, which is greener than your freezer at campaign headquarters, to puff down with Snoop on 420. Whose brain hovers a notch above porn hood hell.

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Boyish Boring

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Colby chants her name in class, when she hits homers in wiffle ball and he’s the best athlete in class. You better recognize.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
25 years of blow and booze and now you blame your stomach issues on being lactose intolerant? You’re a performance coach because?

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Matilda doesn’t prance down the court on her tippy toes. Looking like she’s sporting high heels instead of high tops like I did.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
I had her clearing 5 stairwell stairs at 4. Now, she’s breaking school high jump records in the 3rd grade, jerkoff.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Again, she already broke the school high jump record in the 2nd grade. You blow through eight balls in record time.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
She just finds most traditional team sports boyish boring. You know like Mom with the Knicks.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Matilda already has her own home run dance. She signs her autograph with the tip of her Wiffle Bat every time she goes yard.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Matilda already as one more belt in Kung Fu than our entire immediate family combined.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Matilda can already do a perfect cart wheel, which is more than I can say for mama’s off balance, half formed monstrosity.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
She’s not clamoring to play softball yet because she prefers to play wiffle ball with me instead, her exact words actually.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Matilda kisses her guns as she makes the monkey bars her bitch again and again. You’re such a waste of breath.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Dad sent you to an all Catholic boarding school full of Division One hockey players who threw pennies at you during Mass. But I’m the clueless dad coach over here.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Have you molded a girl who teachers want to clone to ensure their lives are fuss free forevermore?

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
She can throw a perfect spiral and your life is constantly spiraling out of control. Given up gambling again Ace?

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
You get all your opinions on life from analogies on sports radio. Collin Herd is an overrated, boring twerp. Stephen A, he isn’t.

INT. BAR
Brother
Matilda’s not playing any group sports?
Do It All Dad
Are you questioning my parenting sport?
Joan Rivers didn’t play ball either. But I’m sure Hugh Jackman will perform at your funeral sendoff.

Michael Kornbluth

Southern Accents Dreaming

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sarah Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
I think she just needed to unplug from Twitter, deweed her garden and troll Michelle’s Wolf with Dirty Sanchez emoji’s on Cinco De Mayo for shits and giggles.

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
She knew Ivanka would fight for paid maternity leave on her behalf.

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
To give her husband a big time mooch for holding down the chicken coup without her.

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
Better grit selection down south despite the gentrification of brunch spots in our nation’s capital.

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
She wanted to give her own children the baroness treatment.

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
Laura Ingraham’s claiming Dennis Hopper’s performance was overrated in Hoosiers, insisting he stick to dropping acid, rubbed her the wrong way.

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
She got tired of taking off her heels every time Don Junior entered the room.

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
She wasn’t thrilled with her kids getting into soap operas on Telemundo with the help behind her back.

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
Three kids at once are harder to please than two woman in a three way, when you suck at multi-tasking.

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
Shelter from hate stares at Soul Cycle on K Street.

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
Kellyanne Conway is worse off.
I don’t see her rushing home to get smooshed by George in the sack.

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
Tip off Ice Agents to Michelle’s Wolf’s house in the Hollywood Hills, next time she’s in the mood for a Dirty Sanchez.

INT. POST OFFICE
Mail Man
Why do you think Sanders left?
Do It All Dad
Can you blame her for wanting to take the summer off in Arkansas with her kids? Only fried shrimps summer in the Hamptons. I’d be southern accents dreaming to.

Michael Kornbluth

Fuck The Apollo

My daughter summarizing every fight I’ve ever had with my wife. Stop talking Dada. Mama got your point midbreath. Can you believe my daughter’s 2nd grade teacher says she has a hard time summarizing things?

INT. BARBERSHOP
Stay At Home Comedian
I loved the NBA when it didn’t exist as a safe space for Lebron’s James sprained ego.

Barber laughs longtime.

This is Ziggy Marely being interviewed by High Times on 420. Ziggy, your father had 12 kids. But I thought weed drained your ball sack dry. Fake news man.

My resistor mother.
I like the picture with the 3 kids by the reflector pool. And of course the one with you and the 3 kids. The picture was in front of the White House. She can’t even utter the White House in the same breath as her grandchildren.

I’ve reached the conclusion. I’m not a black out Alcoholic. But more of a mindful lush who understands his limitations and total lack of control if a bottle of bourbon in my presence at home after nightfall. So I don’t bring it home.

EXT. SOUTH STREET
Friend
The economy would crash without illegals.
Stay At Home Comedian
But they don’t pay taxes and send all their cash back to Mexico through Western Union. And lawnmower man isn’t racking up VR startup money either.

EXT. SOUTH STREET
Friend
Do you believe in the Alt Right?
Stay At Home Comedian
It’s a made up term, designed to silence truth talkers like Islamophobia, ANTIFA branding themselves as the anti-fascist party. The alleged leader Milo, blows black dudes, dude.

How does a Seagram heiress get involved in an upstate sex cult? I thought the Podesta brothers preferred their kiddie pool parties by the swamp. Did she own pedo artwork depicting kids with gags to make Marilyn Manson blush?

Yenta on MetroNorth failing at telling her friends how much she hates NYC during the summer.
At least in Florida, I don’t have to wear black to work. So on my way to the beach I might get lost in a sea of #MAGA hats, no big deal.

 

INT. IRISH BAR-D.C
High School Associate
Even if you bomb at the Apollo, it still takes balls.
Stay At Home Comedian
Once an asshole, always an asshole. You can’t help yourself, obviously.

LavarBall as my coach dad growing up would make sure I got to 1st base before my younger brother did. He’d only invite stuck up Jenny from the block for a game of spin the bottle. 2 secs in, he barks. The Yoohoo bottle, doesn’t spin itself bitch.

I love Trump’s relentless optimism. If he was diagnosed with HIV today. He’d tweet tomorrow morning. Do I have HIV? Yes, but my T-Cell count numbers have never been stronger. I’ve created the perfect non partisan joke I know.

Describing my endless wait for auditioning at the Apollo.
Security, Amateur night organizer workers made me feel less welcome than any designated fish ball allocation from my mother in law for myself for Easter or my Passover either.

INT. Apollo
Apollo Security
I didn’t ask you that.
Stay At Home Comedian
You don’t intimidate me after Paul Mooney refused to shake my hand, sorry. Let me guess, you dream of being Steve Harvey’s go to Apollo preshow fluffer.

Describing my endless wait for auditioning at the Apollo.
Security, Amateur, night organizer workers did their best to make me feel less welcome than Obama paying Shiva for a photo op if Netanyahu got iced.

Describing my endless wait for auditioning at the Apollo.
I’ve always hated waiting to perform at open mikes. Not once, have I shied away from putting my name 1st on the sign up list. You’d figure they’d want to heckle me ASAP. No such luck.

Describing my endless wait for auditioning at the Apollo.
I wasn’t nervous or scared despite being the only white boy waiting around for hours with all the other amateur rappers, I think despite no fake gold bling. I walked away.

Describing my endless wait for auditioning at the Apollo.
Definitely, the only white comedian waiting to showcase my 90 seconds of comedy gold. Reading about Justin Beiber in relation Nipsy Hustle on Breitbart sent me off, so I walked away.

Waiting for my audition at the Apollo was torture. I felt more distinguished on my 5th round of same day interviews for an IT recruiter job at Robert Half. At least, at Robert Half I was getting to paid to feel like a glamorized Indentured Servant.

Fuck the Apollo. The place is a dump now. And the only comedian which graced the walls heading upstairs was Moms Mabley. There were no pics of Redd Foxx, Dick Gregory, Cosby’s family friendly sweaters, nothing.

Describing my endless wait for auditioning at the Apollo.
My number is 214. 102 was just called. I’ve already been waiting for 2 hours. My 3 kids are in Delaware with my wife and dead weight conversationalist mother in law. House to myself awaited, I walked away.

My wife not helping her most annoying wife of all time case 1 bit.
Wife calls on speaker with my 3 kids.
Calling you to keep me company for the next 3 hours. Listen to my podcasts to keep yourself company. You’re only 105 behind.

Stoner insight into Grateful Dead Europe 72.
Gonna miss me when I’m gone. Is a tad presumptuous, don’t you think?

At my in-laws in Delaware, Colbert is on as I enter with my wife and 3 kids. I say. Why is Colbert smiling anymore? Trump gutted his funny. There are pictures on the Internet with Colbert acting cozy with Podesta for Christ sake.

At my in-laws in Delaware, Colbert is on as I enter with my wife and 3 kids. I say. If Stephen Colbert was John Stewart funny, I wouldn’t mind the unfunny Trump jokes.

INT. Starbucks
Friend
ANTIFA isn’t a terrorist organization.
Stay At Home Comedian
Tucker Carlson’s wife hid in the closet in a sea of dirty Vineyard Vines boxers as ANTIFA tried to ram through their front door in our nations capital no less.

What type of person desecrates a Buddhist temple? Besides, a reincarnated Jihadist. But Baby Face Omar is the new golden child. I want, the knife to backstab every two faced Jew on the planet.

Post stoner insight into Warrant’s Big Talk.
Big talk is cheap, unless you back it up. And we’re backing it up unless your Elizabeth Warren pushing for impeaching Trump based on charges with less solid footing than her claims to own moccasins of any kind.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Only In America Baby

I love being an American more than being a native New Yorker. And I’m louder than Busta Rhymes at a midnight showing of Higher Learning.  I also got my TV writing break in Manhattan in Times Square in the Viacom building down the street from the old Paramont Theatre where Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis took a giant dump on anything SNL ever produced.

Last year, I tell my daughter 1st thing in the morning. The Yankees won. She replies. I heard. That’s why New York City never sleeps. Being a native New Yorker who was in LA when 911 happened. Who later wrote a pilot about a TSA star, heavy set agent from Ethiopia who becomes the new face of homeland security because homeland security was so weapons of mass destruction years. I firmly believe we’re not the racist a country knowing what a melting pot New York city is and how I’ve consistently been able to bond with taxi drivers from all over the universe through humor.

 

I love my grand old USA, land of the free and home of John Coltrane, NY Yankees, Hulk Hogan, The Grateful Dead, Les Paul, the band Boston, Bill Hicks, Andrew Dice Clay, Don Rickles, Brian Wilson, Hank Williams Junior, Danny McBride, Charles Bukowski, Marc Maron, General Patton, Johnny Cash, Axel Rose, Nikki Six, Albert Brooks, Randy Newman, the Zucker Brothers, Wayans Brothers, Derek Jeter, Michael Jordan, Muhamad Ali, Walt Whitman, Chuck Zito, Chuck Norris, Jim Brown, Stan Lee, Kevin Smith, Bon Jovi, Mr. Rogers, the Beastie Boys, Dennis Hopper, Rudy, Red Foxx, Chris Rock, Larry David, Sly Stallone, Gene Simmons, Jim Norton, Jeff Ross, Patrice O’Neal, Vince Vaughn, Stryper, Adam Sandler, Joan Jett, Henry Miller, Robert Frost, Marilyn Monroe, Joan Rivers, Howard Stern, president Donald J. Trump.
Why would I include, Donald J. Trump on this illustrious list of American heroes dear to my heart forevermore? Because he inspired my children to hug old glory after I showed them a picture of our President doing the same. They say, a picture speaks a 1000 words, no amount of spin semantics and propaganda brainwashing can mistake our President’s love of flag, vets and fellow hard working Americans, free to exert their will onto this universe in the effort to enact their most deep rooted dreams of opening a business or providing for their family without being totally miserable into a glorious, real life unfolding reality.

 
I showed my children a picture of our president hugging an American flag with his arms wrapped around tight, exuding a boyish, young at heart, grin, screaming I love my country and my flag because it represents a land where I was free to pursue my dreams and make ball busting great again. A place where his scrappy, hard work was rewarded, to become everything he dared to dream into doing and becoming.

 
Driving cross country to Los Angeles for my last semester of college, was the most patriotic experience of my life. The surge in patriotic pride hit me like a battering ram as I drove around the Grand Canyon with Bruce Springsteen’s greatest hits playing as the perfect soundtrack backdrop to all the wonderous, beauty piercing natural wonder.
For the 1st in my life, driving around the Grand Canyon, taking in such a beauty spewing tapestry of sandblasted, orange hues and violet shades of red bursting color, it was impossible to not feel like I was in the haunting, holy presence of God’s finger-painting best work.

 
I also lived in LA for 6 years after spending my last semester of college out there, interning for a talent agency called the House of Representatives.  I sold wine in California. Took many girlfriends to day trips in Santa Barbara because I couldn’t afford to stay in hotels when I sold wine.

 

 

How can my various girlfriend getaway adventures to Santa Barbara on PCH up through the winding hills of the Santa Anita Mountains, to stop off eating the most delectable, scrumptious Tri Tip sandwiches of my life make me hate America one bit? Knowing I get to take PCH up through Santa Barbra for the most part, becoming at one with the mighty Pacific. Where that lucky old son, Brian’s Wilson’s favorite muse, bounces, skips and prances in a scattered, flickering glorious light over such a breath-taking oceanic stretch of deep, soothing, soul penetrating streams of blue.

 
Now, my son’s favorite toy is the Blue Angel plane I got him after taking my 3 kids to their 1st air show. I had never been to an airshow before either. Just picture the parking lot scene of a Kid Rock show, but with more wide-eyed kids and not as much tore up looking talent from the nineties since Kid Rock went platinum.

 
I have a framed picture in our bathroom with my son Arthur and his older sister Matilda posing in an old school fighter jet, with real deal pilot helmets on and cool looking shades on. You’d think they were posing for a subway poster of a more child friendly remake of Iron Eagle for Nick Junior.

 

 

Patriotism is taught at home. On Presidents Day, I taught my children this year how our 1st President George Washington, freed all his slaves eventually and paid them reparations in the form of a giant buyout severance package.
My children know about Lenny Bruce Live at Carnegie Hall and how his attacks on organized religion ruling by fear versus love was his God given, American right to do so. Every year on 4th of July, I bust out my original Dream Team USA tang top jersey from 92 for Christ sake before Magic made HIV disappear. That’s teaching your kids patriotism folks. Especially, after stressing to my kids, how Americans pride themselves on their killer work ethic compared to the world at large. Not always peachy about it but if you’re making 6 figures a year I don’t want to hear any bitching from you.  You also teach your kids patriotism by stressing how having our best US college players lose to Spain in the Olympics the previous year because of Alonzo Mourning’s unreliable hook shot from 4 feet away is unacceptable in the winning obsessed USA.

 

But then, MJ, Bird and Magic would follow the illustrious footsteps of other all star American Olympians such as Jesse Owens, Edwin Moses, Carl Lewis, Sugar Ray Leonard, Jackie Joyner-Kersee. Can we make Usain Bolt an honorary American Olympian for the purposes of this conversation, considering his brash, super charismatic, obviously influenced by Iron Mike’s, big time brash bravado  personality in some capacity?

 
My son’s going to join the Boy Scouts, next year when he starts Kindergarten, which is as American as Reese Witherspoon getting pulled over for a DUI with her husband agent at Creative Artists Agency. I think she got with a traffic ticket. It’s nothing a million dollar residual check from Legally Blonde can’t solve. Only in America baby.

The End
By,

Michael Kornbluth

Do It All Dad’s 2 Hours Off

INT. POTTERY FACTORY B-DAY PARTY
Mom
Arthur is here.
Birthday Girl shrugs, acting like she can’t be bothered.
Stay At Home Comedian
Get over yourself kid, you’re no Demi Moore in the making.

INT. BAR-DAY
New Bud
She doesn’t know who Lauryn Hill is.
Stay At Home Comedian
I forgot what Millennial Mouseketeer Bubble I was infiltrating. I’m the crazy non bald-head Fugees nation. I wonder if Chappelle ever banged her.

Failing to close on my daughter on watching #Wrestlemania today.
It’s the 1st all female main event.

Daughter replies.

And you’re just going to make me feel bad for not being as bad ass as they are. And my feelings are real daddy.

INT. BEDROOM
Daughter
On this card, is says mommy loves your handwriting. Which we all know is impossible. This proves mama was in love with you once upon a time in Brooklyn. When Lena Dunham had skinnier arms and wasn’t so full of herself.

INT. Microbrewery
Stay At Home Comedian
They should make a Coors Light flavored toothpaste, so I don’t taste anything afterwards.

Bartender laughs long time.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
Babe, do you want one more puff?
Wife
Someone has to parent.
Stay At Home Comedian
If the kids misbehave, just order Alexa to play Bjork on repeat.

The one thing a Do It All Dad doesn’t want to hear on a Sunday before getting his power hour write on.

“Can someone play with me?”

Good to know my wife is busy parenting as usual. Nothing is gonna stop her now.

INT. HOME-NIGHT
Stay At Home Comedian
Babe, do you want one more puff?
Wife
Someone has to parent.
Stay At Home Comedian
It’s already getting late. So you read a chapter of Ivy and Bean to the kids with stony glazed wonderment.

INT. BAR-DAY
MILF
You look like a celebrity.
Stay At Home Comedian
Your star fucking me with your eyes right now, aren’t you?
But yeah, I get confused for Vince Vaughn before he let himself go from good living, good living.

INT. BAR-DAY
MILF
I’ll have whatever white you have.
That’s dry like me.
Stay At Home Comedian
That’s nothing a pair of Juicy sweats and me grinding you from behind, can’t solve in your dreams.

INT. HOME
Wife’s Friend
Men should barbeque meat.
Stay At Home Comedian
But I made the salsa, marinated the meat, cleaned the house and busy entertaining a husband who can’t stand you already, future baby or not.

INT. HOME
Wife’s Friend
Men should barbeque meat.
Stay At Home Comedian
But I marinated it and busy entertaining your husband more than you ever could. But good luck competing with Motley Crue’s Too Fast for Love in the garage.

A dirty white boy, wheel barreled dirt in to fill potholes along a highway in Michigan because his mom and grandmother got a flat tire on it prior. Rashida Tlaib accused him of Islamaphobia because he doesn’t support UN funded death tunnels.

INT. POTTERY FACTORY B-DAY PARTY
Mom
Arthur is here.
Birthday Girl shrugs, acting like she can’t be bothered.
Stay At Home Comedian
Nice fairy wings, I didn’t know Tinkerbell was more passive aggressive than my mother.

INT. HOUSE
Daughter
Daddy this card mommy wrote you says, I love how you kiss Blondie.
Whose Blondie?
Stay At Home Comedian
Time for foreplay before you 3 children were born. Turning our bed into a 24/7 open milk bar.

Beto looks better in a speedo than Obama, most likely, compares President Trump to the 3rd Reich? But sequels never live up to the original Edward Burns Lee.

Is it me or does the news cycle now feel like the gutted ghost of Christmas collusion miracle busts pasts?

INT. GROCERY STORE
Worker
Hanging out with daddy today?
Daughter
Daddy, always hangs out with us.
Stay At Home Comedian
I do a podcast and wrote 2 books about getting paid to hang out with them more. I want my world to revolve my 3 kids, unlike others.

Kids discover a box of old I love this about you and us cue cards from my wife.
Daddy, do you want too see how big your naughty pile is?
I bet it’s thick.
Yes it is daddy.
God, this conversation isn’t my fault.
Forgive me please.

 

INT. CAR
Son
I was the only 1 at the party without a parent.
Stay At Home Comedian
Mommy, told me different.
Plus, mommy has more time away from you than I do.
Last, you’re happy now and you look all grownz up.  You’re a fucking bear and you’re all grownz up and all you’re grownz up. And I couldn’t be prouder of my stud alert on the loose.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Flax Seeds Are Off The List Honestly

Do It All Dad Advice
Son, never tell a girl to hold it.
Can you please hold it? Would work in your favor though.

INT. CAR
Stay At Home Comedian
I think my Dunkin Donuts turkey sausage power breakfast on flatbread needs more flaxseeds. Eating it was like going down on a bird feeder.

Watching the Doors with my kids.
Aren’t those canals in Venice Beach cool?
I want to live there.
It’s become a giant tent street.
Moonlight drives are no longer as scenic.
Tripping on acid there could get ugly real fast also.

INT. STOP AND SHOP
Cashier
Do you have ID?
Stay At Home Comedian
Pretend I’m an illegal alien who can’t speak a word of English.

VP Joe Biden skinny dipping in his DE estate home surrounded by Secret Service detail.
Told you I was bigger than boogie boarder.

Explaining the MAGA hat to my kids.
The hate represents unapologetic pride in American exceptionalism. In other words, it’s a huge middle finger directed at every sore loser whose made the past 2 years a living hell for parties.

Mushy Soy Boy trying too hard to prove he’s no toxic masculinity offender on a 1st date with Natasha Romanoff’s baby sister. I think all women of Russian descent should be given equal access to Russian Spy job openings in the KGB.

Int. Bedroom
Wife
Can you put Broccoli in your peanut noodle dish next time?
Stay At Home Comedian
I was thinking carrots instead. My dish, my call. But I appreciate your effort to turn me into a neutered hipster, fake feminist.

INT. Car
Stay At Home Comedian
500 podcasts downloads in one day, means the Do It All Dad Year Podcast is cooking. There’s no other young voice out there which can compare.
Daughter
You mean no other 20 year old’s host a podcast?

EXT. HOUSE
Stay At Home Comedian
Matilda, call me a pussy if I whip out my North Face fleece for a 2 second walk to the deli.

2 seconds later.

Daughter
You fulfilled your pussy prophecy dad, congratulations, you big pussy.

INT. KITCHEN

Stay At Home Comedian

You were crushing the whiffle ball yesterday Matilda, going yard every time.

Daughter
When Cody at school hits a home run he calls it a dinger.

Stay At Home Comedian

Great your 2nd grade crush is Mr. Ding Donger in the flesh.

Whenever I hear the mention of low wage labor on droning Mark Levin podcasts, I become ashamed about my IT Recruiter background in LA knowing I could’ve made more money selling oranges to acid freaks on Venice Beach.

Explaining Shamans to my kids with the Doors on.
Shamans are medicine men who heal sick people after they puke out peyote buttons.

Felicity Hoffman at the Bel Air Country Club with the girls.

If she wanted to be an actress, her shitty SAT scores wouldn’t matter. Can you picture Cher feeling the need to increase her word power, trying to converse with Greg Allman?

Kids getting jealous over Bruce Lee.
Daddy, what’s one thing Bruce Lee wasn’t good at?
Fart control from too much soy.

Nothing gets me more pumped than reading John Cho leads the cast for the live action adaptation of Cowboy Bebop. Does he play the Asian version of a blind Charlie Parker? Who laid down tracks on the Orient Express before he gets signed by Columbia Records?

 

Son bitching about his big sister.
Matilda, always wants to play family. And I’m tired of playing the white dad whose always apologizing like an ineffectual pussy like every heartbroken putz in a Chicago Song. How can I go on?

The main event for Wrestlemania this year has Ronda Rousey, Becky Lynch and Charlotte Flair in a Triple Threat match. If you have zero interest in watching this match, then your toxic masculinity doesn’t bother you one bit.

Asshole Observation
On the book cover of Reese Witherspoon’s southern goth lifestyle meets Bel Air chic cookbook, Whiskey in a Teacup, she’s covering her chin with a teacup on purpose. Friends in it aren’t as flattering in polka dots either.

INT. DELI
Stay At Home Comedian
A bag would be great.
I’ll do it myself. Thanks for nothing.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
Play Honestly by Stryper at my funeral.
Wife
Write a living will then.
Stay At Home Comedian
I’ve got 2 best sellers to finish 1st.
Or else the rest of my will won’t have much to give.

 

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
Wouldn’t it be nice if God was flattered by our constant praise and admiration of his handy work? Imagine God no longer grumbling in your head, obey my law or else.

Wife
You’re talking like a real Christian.
Of course Jesus finally talks to you through Christian Hair Metal.

Stay At Home Comedian
To hell with the speed devil trying to trick me into thinking he’s responsible for my comedy gold making, not you Lord. I’m giving up the Adderall this time forever.  I promise God, honestly.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth