Do It All Dads Cook

Do It All Dad Year is a dad doing everything. Do it All Dads cook. Do It All Dads do dishes. Do It All Dads even do all-star dish reviews, on his father son, dish review show, Better Than Boobie. Do It All Dads host a podcast, trying to make the universe laugh for a living. Do It All Dads self-publish books, with no guaranteed payday in sight. Do It All Dads record a comedy album from home and sell it on I-Tunes to make weird, weak Howard Stern jealous. Do It All Dad even filld out his own Father’s Day card to let his wife off the hook. Because she works evenings at the NICU, revitalizing blue faced, newborn babies, which me makes this stay at home comedian/book author/retired Do It All Dad Year Podcast Host feel like a total self-absorbed narcissist, because all I check for is more retweets.

Joy is your daughter’s 2nd grade teacher emoting about your mystery reader performance in class, insisting you should be hosting your own kids show already. Fine, I added the already. Comedic exaggeration 101, you can do it to. You’re welcome.

Joy is your son insisting the people in your modern made, hipster motel in Vermont took a peak at your book, left there intentionally by your bedside, saying, “I saw a finger mark on it dada. They totally took a peak dada.”

Joy is self-publishing your books and your kids stacking their bookshelves with them to showcase, compared to your parents who hide your published short stories from Fires and Knives in the bar because all their friends are Jewish who don’t drink hard alcohol or old school bottles of Smirnoff refilled with H20 tap water, regardless of it’s from New York state or not. So the short stories like Anthony Bourdain Rips My Frozen Lunch Apart get less touches than a bible in a bath house colony in Provincetown.

Joy is getting published by the Good Men Project 22 times in a year, despite it still not securing my good guy, non-divisive status and having them take down your post Disorder In the Doll House without a warning, only to make that chapter your opening one in Do It All Dad Jokes.

Joy is recordijg a comedy album Resist This from your home sweet home, consisting of your greatest hits from the Do It All Dad Year Podcast and getting your old sales boss to rave about it, giving you LMAO reviews in return.

Joy is developing a strong, later in life friendship with a man who treats you like a hungry winner, instead of a blood related brother, who tries to kick you while you’re down acting like your down and out permanently.

Joy is getting motivated to do a Ted Talk, after seeing an Obama clone disciple who claims all technology is racist, boring you to near death in the process. Imagine that Ted Talks having a Q&A session? Are the pink pocket rockets vibrators sold in the non-gentrified part in Harlem, racist, for making the assumption, they’re superior to the Lexington Steele drill series outie five thousands?

How else would I define my do it all dad year?

I’d define it as the year I served Lady Laugh with all my punchy, fighting might, intent on pleasing his wife and his 3 fuss free kids most of the time in the process.

The say, “gratitude is a sign of noble souls.” And when you don’t bring home the bacon for 3 year straight, you tend to look in deep and give thanks and praises for the best of what’s around.

During my do it all dad year, I aborted my Kosher diet for vegetarianism, excluding fish filets at McDonalds’ and smoked salmon scramble if I want to reward myself for a stronger writing week than usual.

My Do It All Dad Year has revolved my life around marrying my dream of becoming a best-selling author and talent represented comedian already, while getting paid to spend more time with my kids, to rise from slug to stud, as the voice behind the remote work revolution. Still working on the paid part and brining home more than veggie bacon for my kids.

Joy is freedom to pursue the work you want to do. But that freedom isn’t made possible without investors in you, believers in you, super angel investors in you, Sugar Mama’s like Anis Nin was for Henry Miller during his Paris hooking, STD snagging years.

Joy is those you love invested and rooting for your success in what you want to achieve.

Stay at home dads are sheltered bums, until I start bringing home money, and not the veggie kind, I don’t blame the prognosis.

Joy is growing closer to my children.

Joy is getting laughs and more yummy dances from my kids in celebration of another all-star do it dad dish creation.

Joy is getting closer to my kids through blasting old school hair metal and hip-hop classic records at home when mama’s at work not to complain about it, favoring more mellow strummings, of Indie Rock bands like Petrified Forrest instead.

Joy is more dance contests galore, your kids making up their own version of act out Charade Mad Libs, and doing tackle basketball upstairs, doing drawing contests and having your son’s Iron Man creation make your illustration look lifeless slow in comparison.

Joy is going on an adventurous road trip up to Woodstock to, treck through a swimming hole, which was more rugged intense to do with 2 kids and a newborn in hand than anticipated.

Joy is throwing your daughter around the pool this summer, never wanting the shrieks of joy to end.

Joy is teaching your kid’s about Solomon’s book of proverbs instead attending a synagogue you can’t afford yet.

Joy is more typhoon swirls in the pool this summer with my newborn and freaking out the locals, with breaking baby, part 2222222222222.

Joy is yucking it up with my kids with my phone nowhere near in sight.

 

Joy is my kids heckling the Internet for going out already and my youngest son throwing his sock at the TV, yelling, “Gevalt, gevalt.”

Joy is your kids getting to know you, so they discourage you from pursuing a writer job in New Jersey because it’s such a “stinky schlep”, and you won’t be able to do the writing you wanted anyway.

Joy is banging out a new blog and podcast and being able to feel job satisfaction while hanging out with your 3 kids later to enjoy the fruits of your laugh producing labor.

Joy is getting my kids to laugh at how whiny they sound.

Joy is getting more yummy dances from my kids after sampling another Do It All Dad Hit Creation.

Joy is getting my kids to laugh at how loosey, goosey dad, is compared to serious, all work, no play dad on Adderall.

Joy is more smiles from kids in the window.

Joy is hugs from my kids behind me.

Joy is getting out of your head.

Joy is playing tackle nerf basketball with your son and daughter and relishing them kicking your ass as a team, especially with your sister dunking with big time resounding authority for attacking the nerf rim with rip roaring authority every time.

Joy is pitching your daughter whiffle balls in your garden and having her go yard 10 times in a row earning the new nickname 10 Homer Daily.

Joy is my sons not outgrowing their love of shoulder rides on top of Dada yet. And covering my ears, before saying, “Earmuffs, Dada.”

Joy is your kids expressing themselves creatively, which they learn from their dads, more so than moms. Because moms are usually the homemaker, disciplinarians, types. Sorry, I didn’t make up the rules, and I wear both hats, vagina hat, not included, so f off.

Joy is the beautiful hum my kids make playing imaginary teacher, otherwise known as mom and honey, which fills the house with pure blasting life boy.

Joy is the moment before you change your son’s nappy and he says, “Pebble Poo Rock Or All Out Yuck?”

Joy is tripling down on your own brand of specialness, with your kids by side till you cross the funny man finish line into funny man employment land, and your kids and wife, your home team, chant in your ear,
“ I knew you would do it, daddy, never doubted your ability to rise from slug to paid stud for a second.”

Joy is raising fearless artists, like my daughter performing in Little Mermaid Play when she couldn’t even read yet, despite my wife’s protests. Wife says, “Acting camp, she can’t even read yet.” My reply? “Will watch Rocky 2 with her again for pointers.”

Joy is my son getting rave reviews during his art show in pre-k, proving talent is never ambiguous. When grown blue collar, men who look like they make a good living, not like your typical office drone putz, no offense. And they’ll say, “Arthur’s got talent.”

Joy is seeing your kid start the car for you and letting his big sister dress him without fussing.

Joy is your son requesting more Beach Boys or Jimmy in the car or rocking hard to Metallica’s Moth into the Flame in the car, with rambunctious, unsurpassed joy that if recorded would go viral.

Joy is your son Art Show USA dancing up a storm at my wife’s best friend wedding, pulling off his shirt like Michael Jackson with the buttons popping off but looking less showy forced about it.

Joy is my son Samuel Chosen Curls Was Bound to Woo turn heads, playing the harmonica in the middle of DiCicco’s, Italian grocery store with the best beer selectin of all time. You’re welcome again.

Joy is my son letting daddy go long, doing jokes at TD Bank again because he knows this is what daddy does to keep his spirits afloat as a still non reppes, stay at home comedian dad, with no staff writer job offers or commercial auditions in sight because I’ve haven’t finished my Do It All Dad Ted Talk on how controlling our kids with comedy can make our kids great, so my video can’t go viral just yet.

Joy is listening to Frank on Vinyl and having your kids devour your homemade penne vodka, minus the Kettle one vodka made one of old, knowing, childhood is fleeting, so you soak in another yummy dance in your honor, because every other nosh they take after is a win, win.

Michael Kornbluth

Boring Your Kids Is Dangerous

Dads should care about being funnier around their kids because they can’t fire you from being their parents or boo you off stage in your own house.

Dads should care about being funnier around their kids because they should only feel self-conscious, baring their soul to their shrink about their unemployed Trump supporter son.

Dads should care about being funnier around their kids because your  kids won’t judge your poor man’s Steve Martin impression from Parenthood, knowing you care enough to try.

Dads should care about being funnier around their kids because mama will get jealous about being sloppy seconds whenever you pay star parent entertainer for your five minute spot before bedtime anyway.

Dads should care about being funnier around their kids because they normally only have a solid five minutes of stage time to sneak in some scene stealing of their own.

Dads should care about being funnier around their kids because developer a tight 5 minute of sure fire material will make them tighter with their kids compared to mama in no time.

Dads should care about being funnier around their kids because when the children laugh, your heart brightens up inside, like the time you bribed the strip club DJ in Montreal to play the 22 minute version of Whipping Post at the Filmore East, to maximize the enjoyment factor from your one lap dance per song, minimum allotment.

Dads should care about being funnier around their kids because famous humorist, Victor Borge was correct. “Laughter is the shortest distance between 2 people.” And either you care about getting closer to your kids or not.

Dads should care about being funnier around their kids because it’s most dependable way to reign your pissed off at your job away from home emotion.

Dads should care about being funnier around their kids because home should be the safest, freest, most politically incorrect place on earth, especially in the age of hate speech cancellation culture, online and off.

Dads should care about being funnier around their kids because playing it safe is for nerds, software sales reps and CPA’s for non-profits.

Dads should care about being funnier around their kids because Dad is the star creator of his own making.

Dads should care about being the comedy king at home because it’s his castle to lose.

Dads should care about making home the happiest place on earth, so there daughter doesn’t feel unwanted and become Fallen Angel source material for Generation Z.

Dads should care about controlling their kids with comedy because once they get older, they’ll be less wiling to get stoned and watch Dark Crystal, thinking, it’s the height of freak out entertainment.

Dads should care about controlling their kids with comedy because joy is contagious and misery seeks out company to be more boring with at pill parties in junior high, after playing 13 Reason On Why on Vinyl backwards, only to hear, “Sell your soul to Apple and you’ll become a less brooding Trent Reznor.”

Dads should care about controlling their kids with comedy because when you touch your kid’s hearts with laughter, it deepens their love connection to their star maker dad. And funnier dads, loom larger than life in their kids eyes.

Dad should care about controlling their kids with comedy at home because your kid’s laughter transforms your castle into a tower of love.  Hendrix lives.

Boring your kids is dangerous because you’ll force them into a life of drugs and alcohol for the artificially inflated perception of you being more interesting than their phones during their next momentary lapse of reason.

Michael Kornbluth

The Liberal Hack Professor

Joy is teaching your kids well and assuming ownership of their education from home because you can’t rely on college professors today to prepare your kids for the real world. Where cushy concepts such as tenure, aren’t available to the majority of Americans working in Corporate America, or in the non-profit sector, doing fundraising for social justice docs on team Obama for Netflix either.

What makes me an expert on homeschooling, outside of my unofficial doctorate in comedy control and artificial feelings of accomplishment infused from raising my 3 kids on Adderall on and off for the past 8 years and growing? First, my daughter’s 2nd grade teacher told me she wanted to clone my daughter for future classes with my permission. 2nd, the same 2nd Grade Teacher was so impressed by my inspired, engaging reading from the Book of Bad Manners for parent reading day, she declared in front of the whole class, “You should be hosting your own kid’s show already.” Fine, I added the already. 3rd, I’m a subject matter expert on modern parenting, because the Good Men Project has published not one but 23 of my essays, from my family debut parenting books, Controlling My Kids With Comedy, A Love Story and Do It All Dad Does Jokes. My Do It All Dad Year Podcast has also produced 152 episodes and my debut stand up comedy record, recorded, from home, Resist This, distills it’s greatest hits for you and me. John Lennon wishes he was this productive during his stay at home dad years. Can I get a holla for nothing but more A plus gemry, fresh off the press, aren’t you blessed challah? This is the smack rich, Ted Talk you get, when you get into old school Kayne West records on Vinyl at home, a decade after they were released.

Today, I purchased College Drop Out, by Kayne West, responsible, for introducing Kayne West as the top MC to beat, who didn’t sound like a Tribe Called Quest and De La Soul on Ambien. I love Kayne West for calling out his supposed friend Jay Z for taking his sweet ass time to visit his new-born child, North, don’t know if the meeting ever happened, but good guy Big Jay failed the friendship litmus test, big time, and Kanye West, let him know it boy. Good for Kayne, because if a supposed friend can’t get excited enough to race over to your pad, to embrace a new and improved version of you, then, you’re off the real friends list.

I also went to the Microsoft store today to get a Micro UBS chord to charge my kids Rock Solo Tzumi and had the exact opposite experience from my Kayne spiel at New Bury Comics prior. One moment, I’m bonding with a cool, brother with well-proportioned dreads, at New Bury Comics, about feeling like a total loser, for only discovering Kayne’s West’s earlier work much after my in the club, grinding on the dance floor at China Club years. Moments later, I’m at the Microsoft Store and sample some material. I say, “This is my impersonation of merger talk between Dr. Dre and Eminem. “Hey Slim, Microsoft paid 4.5 billion dollars for LinkedIn. Worrrrrrrrd. LinkedIn is lamer than ever yoh.” The wordddddddddd, got a big time laugh, yet the LinkedIn topper line, died because his manager, got up in his face for encouraging my laugh yankage in the first place. But my 3-year-old son, saw me in action, going for the kill, and that’s what matters. Showing my kid in the real world, your entire life is a cold call and sometimes you need to tone down your expressive comedic genius, knowing most places of business, don’t possess the 2 drink minimum to loosen up the just got off work, stuck in meetings all day crowd.

3 kids later, I’ve learned, kids want to do whatever the adults are doing. It doesn’t mean they don’t play after doing their homework, cheer for snow days and bring on the ruckus whenever I blast Alice Cooper’s Schools Out for Summer on Alice Cooper’s Greatest Hits on Vinyl. Elected is an overlooked, unfamiliar gem, any Do It All Dad should play for their kids tonight. Elected was John Lennon’s favorite song, according to Alice in his autobiography, describing the most perfect rock career ever to include Alice eventually marrying the love of his life, a super hot rocker mama, who got him sober, helping turn him into a scratch golfer, who let’s Johnny Depp play in a band with him to feed off his larger than life rock star stature, where the great Groucho Mark even compared his stage show to vintage vaudeville from back in the day, pre fake news and Fox airings of 21 Jump Street. Side note, I’m scared about getting a Vasectomy because I don’t want my ball sack to feel like Edward Scissorhands face. In the song, Elected by Alice Cooper, he sings, “I wanted to be elected, respected.” If this mantra doesn’t encapsulate the American mindset of willing your own special brand of success into reality, refusing to play the poor, poor pitiful me, victim card, I don’t know what does.

Is college today really worth the crap shoot? Knowing my kids will be forced to defend Israel’s right to defend itself from rocket fire into their backyard. Insisting Israel do more than send Hamas Edible Gifts baskets in return and a thank you note written in Farsi. College can be a great experience, meeting people you never would’ve met otherwise like my Hawaiian roommate who attended same private school in Hawaii as Obama on the Big Island, inspiring this joke gem for the ages. If Obama was such a baller in Basketball, then why did he ride the bench at an all Asian private school in Hawaii? College inspired me to make a New Years Resolution to save up enough money so I could make it down to Mardi Gras in New Orleans. At least now, I can teach my kids, 3 days in Mardi Gras is the kiss of death, meaning Hurricanes, Space Cakes and Hand Grenades ensured my brain never returned to it’s so, so smart, original state to start the semester.

When I attended college at Lake Forrest College on the North Shore of Illinois in Vince Vaughn country, I learned the concept of a thesis statement but still lacked the creative confidence to support my powers of insight with momentous examples to back up my stated main idea assertion with funny, soul man, pronounced gusto, just yet. Today, I can’t even imagine the thought police restrictions at college, if I insisted on calling Higher Learning a weak, overrated sequel to Boyz in The Hood for Philosophy and Film 101. So when I say, do it all dads home school, I mean, expose your kids to the influences who inspired your mirage milkshake of creativity like Cracked Magazine, old school Adam Sandler films, Illmatic, Beastie Boys, Guns and Roses, Ford Fairlane, Back to School, Arilss, the Larry Sanders Show, etc. Parenthood has taught me kids will act like actual mini grown ups and develop expressive confidence in their own ideas, assuming you don’t talk down to them like a perpetual jerkoff moron, waste of breathes.

I used to read my kids Charles Bukowski poems until I learned he kept a highlighted copy of Mein Kemph under his bed growing up during his ultra pro, nationalist German phase. At the time, I’m thinking, Bukowski is the real world grinder, they can learn from, who didn’t hit his writing stride till his mid forties after working in the Post Office forever and so what if my 2 boys, AKA, stud alerts on the loose, grow up with a heightened appreciation of curvy, sculpted woman in high heels, stumbling on their door, in the middle of the night, back in the summer of 62, I think. I have no idea.

What I do know is my 3 year old son, loves to start the car by himself, play his new Kayne West record by himself, set the whiffle ball on the tee by himself and break the eggs for a our smoked salmon scramble this morning by himself, until I had to take over, with his proud dad, overlooking his fiercely, combative independent steak, on the rise, all made by possible by me homeschooling my son on the importance of assuming ownership of your life education by doing versus, talking about it or listening to some professor at Princeton University give a lecture on how technology is racist. Knowing the same person has never made a cold call in their life or ever had to apply for a Recruiter agency job on a culturally biased job site like jobs you never thought you’d apply for.com, after you parents blew 100 grand on your Bachelors Degree for a degree in communications from Ithaca College, otherwise known as Cornell’s retarded next door neighbor. Cornell alum, take this line too literally, uttering, “You’re not retarded.” Thank God my old school humor is intact after all these years. If kids’ today, were only reared on Andrew Dice Clay Records, they wouldn’t be such temperamental, humorless, nervous wrecks today, oh, I can’t take no more. So, I tell my kids everything I know about life, the good the bad and the ugly, so they get addicted to winning and competition bringing the best out of them sooner than later, because Do It Al Dads home school boyyyyyyyyyy!

Michael Kornbluth

Getting Laughs Is Serious Business

Kids don’t have to be closer to Mommy than Daddy.

I’m doing kettle bell exercises with my daughter in the garage to strengthen her core, so she doesn’t become an easily pushed around putz like her daddy was growing up. Since then, I’ve fought back for self-respect through punchlines but I’d rather my daughter not still be stuck in a permanent counter punch mode into her encroaching upon mid-forties, 3 kids later like her aspiring Do It All Dad either. Daughter finishes her kettle bell lunge exercise and says, “Daddy, most girls in my school aren’t close to their Dad’s. But it doesn’t have to be that way forever fellas.

Your kids can actually be closer to dad than mommy and I’m living proof of it since I become a full time stay at home comedian dad 8 years ago and earned my doctorate in comedy control. It’s not a popularity contest, but it upset me knowing young girls at my daughter’s school don’t talk about their dads with tremendous affection or have much intimate bonds to emote about at school within their inner sanctum, who would care most to hear about it.

Thing is, when you become a parent, you spent the majority of your time with your kids, even if you have a full-time job outside the house. You come home from work; kids are still there. Wake up first thing in the morning, yeah, you’re kids are still breathing, living, beacons of shimmering light, brightening your heart like no other, when they’re not preventing from you getting more writing down at home in the service of securing a talent agent and preventing them from starving to death.

A famous humorist, Victor Borge said, “Laughter is the shortest distance between 2 people.” So, if a man wants to feel closer to their kids than mommy for a change, then dad needs to get serious about making their kids laugh more than their kids Amazon Kindles.

Making your kids laugh more matter if you care about pleasing your most adoring fans in the making, but you must be a cheerful giver and showcase a desire to make them laugh and earn the deepened love connections which unfurl as a result.

Making sincere compliments about your kids when they say something funny, helps their expressive confidence and develops their heightened sense of funny also. When my daughter was 4, she stepped on her pink Disney acoustic guitar. I said, “Matilda you never step on your guitar and she says, “But Jimi played with his teeth.” Once my daughter says, “Daddy if Uncle John doesn’t show up to your funeral, I’ll kill him.” Is your daughter’s professing such Kill Bill revenge proclamations in your honor enough to make Shakespeare blush during his tragedy play phase? I didn’t think so.

Recently, I was visiting my parents in Arizona after my dad had a heart scare. My mom says, ” You’re always talking about getting laughs. Why is that so important to you?” At the time, I’m thinking, “Because I’ve worked really hard at being funny and maximizing a special gift God gave me, which makes me feel ultra unique, prideful and elated from growing closer to my children through my use of it as a result. Also, when your mom writes you letter once, stating, don’t expect me to ever show an interest in your comedy career because my dad didn’t care about my banking career. Or says before you leave back home to NY, “It kills me knowing my son’s Trump supporter, I mean you’re smart.” Or when I told my dad, I had quit stand up 2 kids later and he says, “It was cute while it lasted.” Or, “Nobody cares about your political opinions”, once you launch your own podcast in attempt to restart your comedy career and break on through the other side and snag an agent of some kind already. This accumulation of resistance really forces you to dig deep and assess why do you care so much about getting laughs for a living? Why is getting laughs such serious business for me? Because I’m good at it and it makes me feel good, especially when my 3 kids laugh long time from me doing my best, most giving version of myself.

My dentist this week, is talking about more fillings and root canal work, and I make a comment about having to declare bankruptcy because of him, because I’m already so broke, my Hebrew name is under judicial review. He says, “I know you always like to joke and not be serious.” But that’s fake news, because if I wasn’t serious about being funny, I wouldn’t have dedicated 3 years of my life to recording a podcast, and distill those greatest joke hits in the form of stand-up comedy album, Resist This, with an album cover, sporting a Resist This Hat, with an American Flag on it on a mic, at a comedy club, in front of an audience full of pussy hat wearing resistor, humorless, twitter twats in attendance.

I hate how comedy is always relegated to the kid table of seriousness because it’s so much harder to create than writing another tragedy when some poor schmuck runs out of options to support himself or family and decides to blow his brains out instead, of doing more advanced dreaded networking via LinkedIn.

Getting laughs is serious business, especially among your children, because it’s the difference between your family becoming a close family tribe, or another dumpy, distant, uninspired, hate filled, bitter feuding family like the rest.

Getting laughs is serious business, especially for stay at home comedian dads, because we need all the wins we can get it.

Getting laughs is serious business because stay at home dad comedians, can’t survive without effusive, rock solid love from their children.

Getting laughs is serious business for me because it’s who I am, it’s what I’ve dedicated the lion share of my life towards.

At this point of my life, getting laughs is no longer about being more well liked. It’s about fighting back for what I believe in with all punchy inspired might. And what is that unshakable belief, I’m so committed to expressing despite how it’s strained relationships with my wife, fake news friends from my past, in addition to my younger brother and own parents? The belief is, I wasn’t put on this earth to never bore my fellow man to death with unoriginal group think. Nor was I put here to give into fear of not making it, despite so called insurmountable odds and over hyped perceptions of all the dreaded competition. But it’s a young man’s game, they say. Yeah, I’m calling fake news bull shit for the all the above because you possess zero life wisdom in your twenties, which is why Eddy Murphy’s Raw is him doing deflective homophobic material and defending his use of the f bomb for twenty minute of his set.

Before Trump ran for President, he told his son, “Now we find out who are real friends are.” Well, I learned the same lesson, when I decided to throw myself into becoming a full time stay at home comedian, 3 kids later, with my podcast and books and comedy record release. And it’s my children above all else, who are the most invested in success on my own terms, not defined by other’s limited ideas of what level of success I’m capable of achieving.

Do I need a star on Hollywood Blvd. to make me feel a like star Do It All Dad? It wouldn’t hurt. But for now, all I need is my son suggesting we hang his new Wolfie stuffed animal from a high dangling wire outside or Cajun restaurant in New Paltz because I’m committed to being seriously silly around my children and executing my son’s hilarious vision. Snuggling up with my son this morning, on the couch to take in the glorious, bleak yet hilarious shot of his wolfie hanging down from a wire, normally used for outdoor lighting, lit our collective hearts like no other and that’s why getting laughs is serious business and should start mattering to do it all dads who wouldn’t mind the spotlight of their kids love to shine brighter over them than mommy for a change.

Michael Kornbluth

You’re Funnier Than Your Kid’s Kindle

My 2-year-old daughter bites my wife’s nipple hard. Then, my wife engages in a lengthy wind up that feels like 10 Mississippi, before giving our daughter, a gentle yet firm enough slap on the cheek, to ensure she never dares to chomp off her nipple again with such booby milk ravished fury. It worked, my wind-up slap on her younger brother’s bum once because he was ranting and raving about going to day care for Pre-K after he hits his baby brother away for trying to console him, didn’t. Maybe, I’m just making up the part about his baby brother trying to console him, so Child Services doesn’t come knocking on my door before I complete this post. Regardless, the cold wall of isolation erected between my 4- year-old son, during our car ride to Pre-K that day, chilled to me the core, especially after my pitch perfect boy, proclaims, “I’m never talking to you ever again.” My future happiness started to escape me like the leaf in American Beauty. Then, my old school Improv acting skills, honed from UCB and Second City 101 kicked into high gear, after the sensation of repelling the room’s interest in caring about whether I’m funny for one more second, before I started to hit my own bum while driving my son to Pre-K school. I blurt, “Hey, Arthur, next time I get angry, I’ll start hitting my own bum.” At this point, I’m hitting my bum with real menacing fury and I won my son’s love back. Thank God, so it’s not too late for you either.

Here are some other pearls of comedic wisdom to control your kids better with comedy. You’re welcome.

Comedy Control Rules

Do Mad Libs because you invent new expressions like dead weight conversationalists to describe Turtle from Entourage next time, he opens his trimmed mouth about the perpetually cursed Knicks on First Take.

15 words to encapsulate my story about how controlling our kids with comedy can make our kids great again.

Relaxed, loose, tingly, silly, high, bombastic, hilarious, alive, excitement, pride, respect, electric, love, God, family, blood, bonding, laughter.

Darker the Better

Read your kids Shel Silverstein poems plenty and they won’t become such easily triggered, nervous wrecks at the sight of a MAGA hat, I promise you.

Other Comedy Control Rules

Kids like it your when you urge them to stop trying to smash your family jewels into Fuji Dust.

Baby loves it when I play Baby Back Harmonia Rib on his rib, because it makes him laugh out loud, with spastic delight long time.

Use nicknames to cultivate a culture of fun at home without any malicious, self-esteem hindering overtones like Waste of Height.

Own the Kiddy Table and make up silly words when you can. Dr. Seuss peaked early. You don’t have to.

God loveth a cheerful giver, who hits their kids with over the top act out buffoonery. Mimicking their ridiculous behavior works like a charm every time as a reflection of how cray, cray, they’re behaving, works like a charm every time.

Never Underestimate the Laugh Power of Surprise

Falling putzy apple tree, two, no four, no infinity times three. Before dropping your head into your kid’s midsection will yank laughs out long time.

You’re funnier than your kids Kindle, start acting like it.

At home with our kids, prize funny over money.

And always remember, funnier Dad, happier baby. You want a photo off old man? I didn’t think so.

Michael Kornbluth

Do It All Dad Talk

Children are for family upgrades.

God only gives unplanned kids, to only the lonely. And this funny man giant is lonely no more.

Funnier Dad, happier baby. You want a photo off old man?

My daughter Singing Rose is the best bud Sarah Silverman never had. After taking one bite into Do It All Dad’s home made Burrata bomb pizza made with cherry roasted tomatoes from our garden, she says in the kindest, most heaven sent tone imaginable, “Daddy, I know you really want to be comedian but can’t you be a pizza maker in Heaven instead?”

Controlling our kids with comedy can make our kids great again. My 3 fuss free kids the majority of the time, are living proof of it.

My 1st son Art Show USA, already passed his class clown test before entering Kindergarten, yelling at our hard to hear voice powered speaker Assistant with extreme disgust, “Cortana, throw yourself out the window already.”

My son Chosen Curls was bound to woo. Random grandmothers at the Stop and Shop insist he’ll have 3 girlfriends to juggle when he get’s older. My reply? If James Woods had this kid’s face, your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.

Having a 3rd kid shows who passes the friendship litmus test or not.

Generous pours of love in the form of nice bourbon to usher in the birth of your lucky number three is one to savor and cherish because it acknowledges the fact how nothing beats a newborn dad kind of love.

Becoming a Do It All Dad doesn’t mean your childless younger brother will become less serially selfish. Who still makes Hunter Biden feel like an underachiever.

GenX parents understand Baby Boomer arrogance never dies.

Breast feeding is responsible for my 3 kids angelic complexions. Daycare kids are pasty, all looking like they took a load to the face with an Elmer’s Glue Gun.

Grandparent bad manners, is them missing out on the best of your kids, while waiting at home for more breaking news on blue balls Mueller reports and fake news impeachment witch hunts with less legs than Lieutenant Dan.

Kids are human sponges of emotion. If you feel enraged at your wife for treating you like a starless, over the hill, neutered hipster dad, they get upset but not in an understated, passive aggressive, ironic detached way.

If Do It All Dad feels extreme joy for getting his debut album Resist This on I-Tunes, his 3 kids take your post giddyness higher, by quoting your own material, hollering in pitch perfect unison, “Can I get a holla, for some Challah?

God didn’t give me 3 kids to have a panic attack over it. Obviously, God never had the same confidence in Pete Davidson, the rebound boy toy king of Generation Z.

Facebook has made out of state Baby Boomers comfortably numb as virtual grandparents from afar.

You don’t need to spend a mini fortune on personal trainers when you have children. I’ll say to my daughter, “Matilda, daddy hasn’t had a beer in 9 days.” Her reply? Real impressive Dada, you’ve never even made it to double digits.” Or I’ll say to my son, “Dada didn’t run on the treadmill because I strained my calf muscle on it again. His response, “Enough with the excuses Dada. You’re worse than Hillary.”

Why are my kids so behaved in public? I don’t stand down and let them run wild like ANTIFA for starters.

Making your kids understand being an asshole to their siblings is unacceptable behavior, which won’t go unpunished, highlights when they’ve crossed line from harmless rambunctious jostling, to hurtful, physically assaultive, over the top prickishness.

One must remember kids repeat curse words you emphasize to point out bad behavior to be discouraged. So use funnier alternatives than asshole like Tuchus Hole or my new personal favorite anus hole, just so you can hear your lucky number 3, about to become 3 next month, repeat after Do It All Dad, “Don’t be an anus hole, Dada.”

Michael Kornbluth