The Balling Basingers

Hailey Baldwin stars in Levi’s 2020 voting campaign. Whatever it takes to revive Alex Baldwin’s sagging sense of purpose, since the blue balls Mueller Report dropped. Imagine her mother Kim Basinger winning another Oscar for the remake of a Coal Miner’s Daughter, where she actually works in the coal mines themselves before becoming a country music star. Trump tweets: I made Kim Basinger great again, even with a bunch of shit on her face.

Michael Kornbluth

The Chickenhead Clone Wars

Unless John Legend is telling me how to tune out his scrunchie face wife, by rehearsing the sounding patterns of certain moonlight sonatas in my head while reading about her by mistake online again, I’m not interested in whatever he has to say next about anything. But thanks for the guided meditation tip on how tune out chickenhead chatter in general Legend.  If you’ve decided to knock your wife up for kid number 4, you’re the subject matter expert king of chickenhead noise cancellation, come rain or shine.

Michael Kornbluth

Tit for Twat

Hillary claiming half of her destroyed emails as Secretary of State were yoga-related is a stretch. The other 15,000 emails detailed funeral arrangements in the woods,  if Chelsea Clinton’s fiance decided to increase his asking price before walking down the aisle at the last second.  My wife says it’s sexist to make fun of Chelsea Clinton but she’s not ugly anymore. Plus, I think Alyssa Milano  is a nasty Twitter Twat 2.

Michael Kornbluth

We Didn’t Start The Fire Billy

Vice President Mike Pence talking shit about Obama’s trade record during a campaign trip at a glass manufacturing company in Pennsylvania. VP Mike Pence says, “Obama presided over the most expansive outsourcing of manufacturing jobs in US history. He made W look like a serial slacker, with his feet hoisted high on the Oval Office Desk, kicking it, sipping more Coconut Water, without sweating your ability to put more God blessed pot roast on the table. Not even Billy Joel cared enough about your lost jobs during the Obama outsourcing era, to mine another gold record out of your easily avoidable misery for Christ sake. Sorry Lord, even Ned Flanders loses his cool from time to time. Billy says he’s not a big fan of President Trump, but Billy Joel’s Greatest Hits was lullaby music for 80’s Republicans. Plus, there weren’t just bused in new age Neo Nazi’s from Central Casting in Charlottesville that day but also peaceful protesters protesting the taking down of a statue of Robert E Lee, in addition to agitators from ANTIFA, who aren’t very fine people, in the mythical made up sense or not. Last, how does a member of ANTIFA respect thy mother on Mother’s Day exactly? Take out the trash and move out of her house for good? I thought New Yorkers like Billy Joel had stronger bull-crap detection abilities than this. Or is Billy from Yenta Breath Country in Long Island? And to quote the wise, God loving, Robert E. Lee, “There are few, I believe, in this enlightened age, who will not acknowledge that slavery as an institution is a moral and political evil.” So why don’t you be good American Billy and shine those lights on Broadway on how Fake News has become the moral and political evil of its day? Call yourself an Uber home, because I’m assuming your license is suspended, despite New York State giving them away for free to Illegal Aliens so the radical left can try to steal another election and make Michelle proud her of her country again, God forbid. Sorry again Lord, the Fakes News Media makes it hard to turn the other cheek. In honor of the great Kid Rock, can I get an Amen? I say, Amen.

Nasty As Twitter Allows Me To Be

Hillary claiming half of her destroyed emails as Secretary of State were yoga-related is a stretch. The other 15,000 emails detailed funeral arrangements in the woods,  if Chelsea Clinton’s fiance decided to increase his asking price before walking down the aisle at the last second.  My wife says it’s sexist to make fun of Chelsea Clinton but she’s not ugly anymore. Plus, I think Alyssa Milano  is a nasty Twitter Twat 2.

Michael Kornbluth