What Gen X Parents Understand Part 3

Facebook has rendered Baby Boomers the laziest grandparent generation of all time. Turning them into the real-life slackers after all. Limiting face time with their grandkids to smartphones.

 

Zit Face Zuck is a puppet of the NSA because he’s granted Baby Boomers the means to spy on their grandchildren from afar without having to adjust their spacious self-lifestyle away from CNN & MSNBC.

 
Christian Slater was our generations unheralded, Marlon Brando and Montgomery Clift and Nick Nolte all wrapped into one.

 
Our Baby Boomer Dads will still ask if your vegetarian wife who eats fish can still eat chicken after 8 years of marriage, 3 kids later. Despite being retired for 8, having plenty of time to brush up on the subject.

 

Nas is a lyrical wordsmith slayer genius, the hip hop George Carlin, whose lyrics are tougher than Dice.

 
Like Dr. Seuss, Paul Thomas Anderson peaked early.

 
Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld were the real axis of evil before Adam McKay decided to make a subpar, movie about it a decade after Oliver Stone’s W.

 

 

Eddie Vedder turned out be a more reliable, consistently great, front man rock crooner than Axl ever was. Without turning in his face into melted Candle wax from the November Rain video.

 
Yelp was fun until Crazy Rich Asian gals took hold of it, rendering it Hello Kitty, expressionless, humorless with it and went wild.

 
Critics hate the golden Jew Adam Sandler because he’s a beloved cash cow. Whose done dramatic work with James L. Brooks, so he’s above real-life bitchy reproach Peter Travers at Rolling Stone.

 
Robert Dinero needs Marty to start writing him scripts again in a miserable way. Because he’s an unfunny, low IQ individual left to his own faculties and no longer scary tough either.

 
Dennis Miller is a more fearless, God loving, Bill Maher, not trying to hide any sexual proclivities.

 
Taking down all of the Louie CK’s, specials down from HBO is a tad hypocritical knowing Roman Polanski’s Pianist is till up for tapping on your smart phone remote.

 
There’s really funny and Judd Apatow. And no matter how hard he tries, he’ll never be in the same league as Harold Ramis. David Cross agrees.

 
The NY Times hired editor Sarah Jeong because her millennial peers on Yelp produce writing quality a notch below Gremlin poo.

 
HPV Vaccinations for our boys is a no brainer like insisting they start attending junior high with lawyer written, pre-poundage consent forms for future signage.

 
Baby Boomer’s idea of diversity is paying a different set of undocumented illegals to keep their empty nest tidy without lifting a finger every 5 years.

 
Baby Boomer hippies were the 1st generation to shit on vets like they were ones responsible for starving hippies eating back alley cats to stay alive on the streets of San Francisco.

 
HPV vaccinations for our kids is a no brainer like turning our daughters into Lesbians to avoid contracting HIV. Name another type of sexual intercourse where they take a licking and keep on ticking?

 
Stay at Home Dads can be trophy wives on paper but not in reality. Especially, when the wife’s smart phone alerts her to another questionable purchase. Hey hubby, how was Bride of Chucky?

 
Kevin Smith totally punched up the script to Good Will Hunting, injecting it with far greater heart also. Because Damon and Affleck off the screen, are unfunny, blowhard douche bags in real life.

 
Seth Macfarlane, Danny McBride and the cast behind Always Sunny in Philadelphia have consistently been robbed of Emmy nods and various other comedy accolades for being consistently funnier and more imaginative than the edgeless rest.

 
311 is the most underrated band of our generation. Knowing, they’re a dreamy love child of Cypress Hill, Red Hot Chili Peppers and Faith No More. I’m not available Rolling Stone. Blow me.

 
Baby Boomer Arrogance never dies like Seth Myers attempt to out-funny his dentist with laughing gas on at full blast.

 
Starbucks is evil, gotten all of us addicted for even greater amounts of concentrated speed in the form of cranked up milligram dosages of Adderall or crushed snorted up Ritalin in college.

 
Stay at Home Dad egos can’t survive forever as dependent, welfare mothers. Knowing you can’t stare at a hard body MILF, hiking in Arizona without your wife blurting. You only exist because of me.

 
Raising the rod didn’t do any favors for Michael. And Helicopter parents screwed millennial mouseketeers up good.

 

Only Magic could make HIV disappear because he’s Magic Johnson for a reason. I’d like see King James pull off such a miraculous feat without a whole lot of Magic’s assistance.

 

Starbucks is evil. And intentionally cranks up the caffeine content in their espresso shots so we’re more on edge than Harold Schultz’s kids backpacking through Europe in Germany throughout deadspot no-go zones in the Summer of 2019.

 

Dazed and Confused is our Catcher in the Rye despite it taking place in the seventies during Aerosmith’s prime smack taking years.

 

Joan Rivers made sure the Obama’s weren’t invited to her funeral in advance for a reason.

 

Sophia Coppola gave Bill Murray the permission to not even bother being laugh out loud funny anymore.

 
Jack Black would be a star after High Fidelity, loaded with ten times more charisma than Booger which is nothing to sneeze at, Master.

 
Giving billions to Pakistan to keep Bin Laden comfy and warm made less sense than ABC thinking the Roseanne spin off would work without her. After she tweeted about Valerie Jarrett being Obama’s Arabian Horse whisperer.

 

Non-stop promotion of Black Panther being nominated as an Oscars Contender rings shallow and false like when Hillary stole the nomination from Bernie Sanders. Joan lives.

 
President Trump righted the wrongs committed by the VA Hospital, not some fake news hippie Bill Clinton. Unlike Bubba, Obama & Bush Junior, Trump can claim he’s never inhaled anything but A plus, runway ready trim.

 

Rickey Gervais should the host the Oscars every year, but Hollywood can’t take whatever they dish out. Clint Eastwood would agree.

 
Baby Boomers are keeping the NY Times in business since they’ve become the fake newspaper of record. For being too invested in a Russian collusion story with less legs than Lieutenant Dan to backtrack now.

 

We must not make our daughters feel taken for granted or they’ll seek love from coked out vampires in LA like the girl from the Fallen Angel video.

 

Smashing Pumpkin’s song Bullet with Butterfly Wings is our generation’s answer to Billy Wilder’s the Apartment, predating Office Space which doesn’t sound as momentous, sorry Butt-Head.

 
Either Billy Corgan from Smashing Pumpkins comes from a divorced, broken home or he’s watched Ang Lee’s Ice Storm on Showtime after coming down off too much Acid, one too many times.

 

Despite claims of being enlightened, less hateful feminists of yesteryear, our Gen Y Wives still hate how much fun we have with our louder, more cheerful, toxic avenger brothers in arms.

 
Twitter has given an overrated quarterback the veneer of being a deep, original thinker. Who thinks posing with Linda Sarsour is in the best interests of promoting racial harmony?

 

 

Baby Boomers equate beating their wife in Jeopardy as real world, transferable intelligence despite ignoring their 1st born’s pleas to buy up every share of Google they could afford because their IT recruiter son knew about it since Y2K.

 

Gen X Parents understand that over-scheduling kids’ schedules is an offshoot, defensive result, to fill their kids free time with more than Different Strokes and Facts of Life. Which got us nowhere fast.

 

Gen X Parents understand Patton Oswalt’s voice is no Daniel Stern’s from Wonder Years. Which always sounded way more like Richard Dreyfus.

 

Gen X Parents understand hair power ballads are still cherished because they’re beautiful, kick-ass songs about romantic longing. Which never got played out in our hearts.

 

Gen X Parents understand our generation invented the internet garbage heap it’s become.

 

Gen X Parents understand Social Security, Pensions and company loyalty are less secure these days Kathy Griffin since a Skinned Clifford and Trans Chucky had a baby.

 

Gen X Parents understand Social Security, Pensions and company loyalty are less secure these days than Chelsea Handler since she became a full-time social justice warrior. To downplay her boobs sinking popularity.

 

Gen X Parents understand Social Security, Pensions and company loyalty are less secure the Cheney’s soul renewal lease agreement with the Devil if Christian Bale wins best actor in the Oscars for 2019.

 

 

Gen X Parents understand hip hop back in the day was the most badass, hilarious, accessible, social change activist-minded, slamming poetry ever produced. KRS 1 is like an old school version of Neil DeGrasse Tyson, they’re both interesting for 3-minute spurts at a time.

 

 

Last, Gen X parents understand President Trump isn’t a real-life Nazi. Knowing he lifted the lifetime ban on Jewish membership at Mara a Lago after he purchased it, Slim on Facts Shady.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

What Gen X Parents Understand Part 2

The only reason we don’t pull the plug on our Facebook accounts is because Zuckerberg made us too lazy to produce a photo album for our kids, let alone 1 from our wedding 8 anniversaries later.

 
Starbucks is evil. Between Aids, the .dot com crash and 911 soon after. We had enough to be on edge about already.

 

Again, Starbucks is evil We were conditioned to equate Nirvana with Starbucks. As a result, we like our comedy like our coffee, dark and bitter.

 

Starbucks is evil because it makes us resent bare minimum baby boomer grandma. Who can’t even dress up for a Skype call with her grandchildren? Fogging up the computer screen with her shitty Dunkin Donuts coffee breath as we speak.

 

Did I forget to mention Starbucks is evil? Because they never advertised the calorie count for Cafe Mocha’s with whip cream in college when we got addicted to them in the 1st place.

 

Last, Starbucks is evil because Spacious Starbucks lounge areas throughout SOHO in Manhattan, made us wish for the Loft in Big occupied by a 14-year-old Tom Hanks. But we can’t afford the luxury to dream big when we can’t afford to take our kids to Rye Playland to visit the original site of the Zoltar machine after paying property taxes in Westchester Country alone.

 

More of What Gen X Parents Understand
We’re able to call our son Chef Samuels whenever we get him into smoked salmon and eating anchovies pre-Puttanesca. Plus, we can help ensure our children don’t have gun shy palates by force feeding them sushi and fried up bean curd in red hot chili peppers to Under the Bridge. So, they’ll remember how much their taste buds were blown away that day.

 
Children sponge up your habits, so beer cleanses are good so your 7 year daughter doesn’t feel compelled to fat shame you anymore.” Daddy, I’ve got a 6 pack, you got a zero pack. ”

 
Documenting your kids’ lives on social media is good when through the art of comedy creation, your children can learn from the error of your ways by having to explain the intro your 7 year daughter does for your Do It All Dad Year Podcast episode, My Weed Exit Interview. I always wanted to a be a functional pothead. 3 kids later, I gave it my best shot. But sometimes, we have to write off our losses to excessive stubbornness, our degenerate southern hick gene and delusions of chosen people, all knowing grandeur kid.

 
Documenting your kids lives on Social Media can magnify their well earned boost of self-esteem whenever Daddy injects one of their hilarious ad libs into another piece republished by the Good Men Project. Soon after, declaring with all of his Do It All Dad declarative might: Your material is on the Internet forever now kids. Resist this. Joan lives.

 
What Gen X Parents Understand Continued 
Unstructured playtime for your daughter throughout her teens is good if: It doesn’t include recreational drug abuse, exposure to online porn or labia wearing hat marches prematurely because cock block parties aren’t her thing yet. Knowing for now, playing with her super girly Polynesian Barbie is her preferred cup of tea.

 

What Gen X Parents Understand
The selective yelling voice works if you don’t overuse it. If you overuse your so-called selective yelling voice, it turns into a cloned, outrage enshrouded echo chamber ala Twitter since Trump got elected. And from there, your children, won’t be able to tell whether you’re an over the hill actor, overrated comedian or another hysterical banshee puppet head analyst at CNN running with unverified lies again. Because they’re the true friend of the American people.

 
What Gen X Parents Understand
The selective yelling voice is an effective controlling tool to get your children to behave if you don’t minimize its impact by overuse of it like fake news charges of Don Lemon yelling at all tax paying, law abiding, Americans for being racists for supporting a President. Who works for free to keep our country safer to live, full of more money making opportunity to provide for our families and to make ball busting great again Nancy Denture Breath Pelosi.

 
What Gen X Parents Understand
We spend more time hanging out with our children than our parents did. Because we know our kids are superior company than most. Plus, we, don’t dare to treat our children like stupid, inferior deplorables beneath our intellect and extended attention spans past Jeopardy and boring rehashes of work either.

 
What Gen X Parents Understand
Nike is run by fake news hippies who exploit cheap foreign labor for all the safety jump suicide nets its worth, to keep sales production forecasts numbers on target.

 
What Gen X Parents Understand
When you can’t conjure one favorite dish from your baby boomer mother. It means her anemic Kosher steak doesn’t make the cut for future recreations or consist of any template for future Pinterest board clipping rehashes either.

 
What Gen X Parents Understand
Your children won’t behave like spoiled, out of control, ramification free anarchists if you hold them to a higher social standard than ANTIFA.

 
What Gen X Parents Understand
Spring Break in Norway rules because it beats putting sun tan lotion on your Albino conjuring kids in Arizona every time they hop out of the pool. During your forced annual visit to Mimi and Papa over Winter Break.

 
What Gen X Parents Understand
Breastfeeding turns your bed into a 24/7 open milk bar. And your wife’s boobs into milk dispensing, regrettable tasting, non-fat latte because you spit out the milk 1 second later. After you blank on your wife’s nips morphing into a temporary milk sweetener fountains of baby filler again.

 

What Gen X Parents Understand
Nintendo was a poor man’s babysitter, which did more time sucking harm than permanent good for our powers of creation. Postponing manhood post Bar Mitzvah years, regardless if you knocked out Iron Mike in Punchout on multiple occasions.

 

What Gen X Parents Understand
Bedsharing with your kids otherwise known as Attachment Parenting, is like planting seeds of self-esteem on Steroids. Ensuring our children will never suffer from lifelong abandonment issues. Enshrouding the vacant emptiness in our hollowed-out hearts with pot, speed, E, coke, Oxy or whatever else Gen X Parents, forced to cry it out in the crib, can get our hyperactive hands on to keep the next Tony Soprano conjuring panic attack without real life muscle at your disposal at bay.

 
What Gen X Parents Understand
We better befriend a member of the Deep State to scrub our MATH scores from our permanent record, if we want our kids to respect our command of high finance. “Daddy, how many zeros are in a Trillion? Daddy, do you really have to Google that? Are you financially illiterate or something?

 
What Gen X Parents Understand
Kids aren’t sold on the Adam & Eve story after binge watching endless Futurama. “Dada, if God created the Universe. Who created God? God went back in time in a time machine made by Elon Musk? Real convincing dad. Thanks for making me an atheist at 4.”

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

My Boyish Boys

15 years later, I finally saw the Blind Side. Sandra Bullock’s legs in it are yummy. She makes Dr. Melfi from the Sopranos feel guilty for spending too much on her ass and not enough on the Stairmaster in comparison.

I toughen myself up now by letting my son punch me in the face without flinching. He’s only 2 but his shots to my ear cause it to ring soon after. I need to write a part where he plays a bouncer at his sister’s juice bar, Lavender.

There was an all Muslim girl prom held at a Detroit High School this year. So, the prom was like mine, pork free. Followed, my crying under my sheets from dusk till dawn.

HR
Why have you been out of work for so long?
Stay At Home Dad
I’m launching an exploratory committee to find out. Although, my gut tells me Corporate America keeps her distance from bearded lady freaks, despite claims of diverse inclusiveness.

HR
I read in Better Homes and Gardens, stay at home dads suffer from lower levels of testosterone.
Stay At Home Dad
Buy we haven’t even discussed hard numbers yet.

Explaining the Gillette ad to my 2 boyish boys.
Gillette is telling you to never bum rush a pretty girl in the street. That’s why I’m insisting you 2 leave the house in high school with pre-poundage consent forms in case the girls bum rush you.

Stay At Home dads like myself don’t mind the Gillette ad because we work remote. And claims of sexual harassment are avoidable when your meeting on Skype starts with. Fellas, raise your hands up high where I can see them.

At least the Gillette ad didn’t showcase Trump aggressively tweeting. Because standing up to bullying, lying, TV puppet heads and so called CNN journalists isn’t how we should treat divisive, criminal siding, normalizing, ANTIFA enablers.

Explaining the Gillette ad to my 2 boyish boys.
If I shave my beard and tone down my toxic pro Trump stance postings on Twitter. I’ll become less overtly threatening to the Talent Acquisition Managers at #Wework in Manhattan.

If I have to read one more time about TSA shortages. Last time I checked, all we need is one designated pat down person and a metal detector. Also, the terrorists behind 911 went to flight school in Florida unimpeded, my chest.

INT. WHOLE FOODS-CHAPPAQUA
Worker
Bags cost ten cents each.
Me
Is that the bag lady tax for Hillary Hammer Time Cankles?
Since the donations for the Clinton Foundation dried up faster than Huma after Hillary slipped off her spanx.

The End,

Michael Kornbluth

Amazon After Dark

INT. WHOLE FOODS
Me
Is there a company wide directive to refrain from making fun of the sexting skills of Jeff Bezos today? “And was the dic pic necessary? And I thought yelling demands at Alexa was the death of small talk.

INT. WHOLE FOODS
Me
I don’t care how big it is. Was the Jeff Bezos dic pic really necessary? Knowing Tony Gonzalez already broke her in the 1st place? Before popping out 3 kids. Happy denting though AJAX nerd.

INT. WHOLE FOODS
Me
Is there a company wide directive to refrain from making fun of the sexting skills of Jeff Bezos today? “I love your energy. I hate everything about my wife of 25 years from the neck down.

INT. WHOLE FOODS
Me
Is there a company wide directive to refrain from making fun of the sexting skills of Jeff Bezos today? “I want to smell you.” Alright, so we all can’t be
Poet Laureates.

INT. WHOLE FOODS
Me
Is there a company wide directive to refrain from making fun of the sexting skills of Jeff Bezos today? “I want to breath you in.” I prefer the expression inhale you whole. But I’m not a billionaire nerd either.

INT. WHOLE FOODS
Me
Is there a company wide directive to refrain from making fun of the sexting skills of Jeff Bezos today? “I don’t not like being with you.” Sound more like an artificial jerkoff & less clingy transparent Jeff.

INT. WHOLE FOODS
Me
Is there a company wide directive to refrain from making fun of the sexting skills of Jeff Bezos today? “I love you. I will you show with my lips. Grabby enough for you yet? There’s no way Jeff Bezos tastes good.

INT. WHOLE FOODS
Me
Is there a company wide directive to refrain from making fun of the sexting skills of Jeff Bezos today? “I want to breath you in. I want to wake up next you and read my propaganda dirt rag with you.”

INT. WHOLE FOODS
Me
Jeff Bezos has 4 kids. He couldn’t have told his novelist wife, that her books weren’t as enthralling as he lead her to believe? Or pointed out how he had trolls juice up books reviews on Kindle in her honor?

New Yorkers are no longer procreating fast enough to replace the dying population. Hogging up all last remaining rent controlled Manhattan apartments. Which families of 4 could take over. Instead of having to overpay for a shitty 2 bedroom in Queens.

Serena Williams told her daughter being strong is never easy. Could’ve fooled me Serena. From from where I stand you can rip Federer apart as easy as a Tampon.

Film titles ideas of a stay at home dad who get’s a job as a domestic servant for another family.
Domesticated House Bitch Already.
I Still Can’t Afford a Housekeeper
Zero Remains of White Privilege
Moving Laterally

Art of the Nail Polish Deal
Dad
Once you learn how to play Talk Dirty To Me on the guitar, Arthur, you can wear all the nail polish you want. Until then, let your sister use it for herself.
Sister
But Arthur puts it on way better than I do.

Discussing Aids with my kids prematurely.
Trump used the profits from the Wollman Rink for men’s gay groups during the Aids crisis. What’s Aids daddy? A reason to become a Lesbian. You can take a licking and keep on ticking.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Far From Edgeless

Saw a garbage truck rider almost get side swiped today off the side of the road. He relinquished his rage by throwing the garbage in the truck with real fury. This is the life my mom was pushing for me, road kill in a red specked orange vest.

Int. Kids Bedroom
Stay At Home Comedian
Kids, in life, learn to trust your instincts on people.
If your gut ever screamed to you, they’re beneath you.
They are. Meaning, life is too short to waste on arrogant blowhards who remain the same.

Me
This is my impersonation of Russell Simmons. Read my lisp.
LA Bud
Yeah
Me
That was just the guaranteed laugh set up.
In barbecue every day, Dr. Dre land, are you banned from laughing at hip mogul’s speech impediments now?

I appreciate the sentiment but the mantra behind persistence pays off eventually from my vantage point is obvious. Plus, it underscores your unique brand of artistic machismo if you will. Which doesn’t rain down from Avocado trees either.

I really do appreciate the sentiment but the mantra behind persistence pays off eventually from my vantage point is obvious. Plus, it makes you feel like a more dedicated Jack Lemon without stealing the Glen Gary leads.

Memo to Peggy Noonan:
It’s Trump’s world now babe. Your puff pieces sucking the glory of Reagan’s yesteryear are over. Meanwhile, your life suck op-eds have been relegated to the NY Post. Salesmanship isn’t your forte. Know your lane.

Where does has been, running on Reagan year fart fumes, Peggy Noonan get off calling President Trump unserious, compared to denture breath Pelosi? One’s making sure MS-13 doesn’t get in again, the other is funding a welcoming mat with Golden Globe gift bags.

Melania is real classy. She posed in blah, blah, blah. Sorry Michelle isn’t as pose worthy. And Nancy Reagan was no Betty White back in the day either. But feel free to snicker at will. Hillary looks great in spanx as a 2 time loser though.

UX Designer Pal
Feminists will skin you for a book about falling for fatherhood.
Me
Fake feminists aren’t my target audience, especially childless, egg rotting, Flabia, hat girls into cock block parties dumpy enough to work in HR.

Good old fashioned title for new blog about my 2 sons,
“My Boyish Boys.” My son Samuel, AKA Headbangers Ball rocking his head up and down to Boston’s More than I’m Feeling on vinyl at 2 is a momentous place to start.

INT. CAR
Son
No music, can’t we talk?
Me
Whatever you say mama.

Me
Daughter asks. What do you always ask brown people about the Knicks?
I say. Because I care more about their basketball opinions.
LA Bud
My daughter doesn’t even see color anymore.
Me
Because you peddle bitcoin & remind her of Vin Diesel in Boiler Room?

When I heard C-3PO say” My programming prohibits me from acting like a Diety” in Jedi last night. I thought, too bad every bitch bot at CNN is programmed the same. Van Jones excluded. He’s a later stage Lando in my book, making amends.

LA Bud
My 1/2 Latino daughter doesn’t even see color anymore.
Me
Lucky for you, college admissions standards are different. American Chinese test scores carry zero sway. Even Brendan Fraser in School Ties would be screwed today.

Tofu the Terrible problem narrative redefined.
Matilda was scarred from her 1st date with Tofu the Terrible because he came across as too mushy. Always talking about his bland, dead weight conversationalist mother.

Tofu the Terrible narrative problem solution.
Tofu the Terrible proves to Matilda he’s a bad boy soy boy by taking her to a tanning salon for his 2nd state. Because tan soy boys look far less terrible.

Tofu the Terrible problem solution.
Tofu Terrible proves to Matilda he’s a bad boy soy boy after he has Chef Samuels light the tofu on top of his head with a blowtorch at a new vegan hot spot. Bad Boy Soy Boy tears off a piece and says try it.

Old Bud
Never lose your edge JK.
Me
I just got chills down my spine.
Feel like my Rocky training sequence after Adrian snaps out of the coma has just begun.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Stay At Home Dads Can Be Trophy Wives

Stay At Home Dads can be trophy wives without leaning on our wives for startup money to flip homes and spend anymore time with our retired contractor dads than we have to.

Daughter
Is your book going to look like this?
Buzz Kill Wife
Put the book back where it belongs my sweet.
Me
Sound more like your buzz kill blob mother babe.
Good to know you haven’t stopped believing though.

Bezos
Alexa, should I divorce my wife MacKenzie?
Alexa
Is she still modeling for Bud Light commercials?
Bezos
Those commercials were in the late eighties.
Alexa
Fine, then seek out tighter, new filling.
Leave me out of it already Micky.

Darth Vader is the Draymond Green of Jedi Knights. Instead of going toe to toe in a Light Saber match with Luke, Darth Vader hurls flying Death Star debris to throw Luke off his game instead. How low can you go Darth?

You know you’re wife doesn’t care about being a sexual object of desire anymore when she chooses to pluck her blond face hairs, bent over, out in the open in broad daylight. Knowing I can catch in her the act every time.

I love how every NBA Broadcaster under 40 feels compelled to be Lebron’s ego guardian protector like it’s some noble undertaking. He’s Obama with talent. Who only now made his school contributions public. Who was never as dominant as MJ, yay!

Lebron James would beat MJ in one on one because he moves better latterly is the weakest argument ever. Granted, he’s got plenty of experience getting out of the way for other superstars to close the deal for him.

I don’t even know why Scottie Pippen gives a measured response in relation to Lebron being the greatest. Well, MJ never had to compete against Lebron? Yeah, he had to enforce his will on Bird, Magic and the body slamming Bad Boys of Detroit player.

Caravan already sounds more dated than Lizard King, I can do anything. But keep fit in a 34 waist past Waiting for the Sun.

Daughter
Samuel is your new favorite.
Stay At Home Comedian
Just because Chef Samuels slays your fear of eating Tofu again after he fires up Tofu the Terrible with XO peanut oil. We call can’t be Pescatarian Heroes Matilda.

Anyone who wants to work can get a job in Trump’s economy. Exit packages from my stay at home dad stint with the possibility of zero parole on the horizon are flying out of my ass as we speak. Happy the economy is no longer anemic but chill people.

Anyone who wants to work can get a job in Trump’s economy. Sounds more presumptuous than recommended writer on the rise on my resume, with no agents or paying gigs in sight yet. Or maybe, I’m just being a paranoid, shadowbanned Jew about it.

 

Me sabotaging an interview for a blogger job at Infowars.
I’m a soy boy. Who says stay at home dads can’t be trophy wives to? I’m a soy boy. I never grew up. I’m a soy boy. I have no idea who the Eagles traded for Sean McCoy. I’m a soy boy. You will hire one, yes you will. And we can thumb wrestle all the time.

The End,

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Little Bear is Roger Waters in the Wall

Bill Maher talking down to a Latino Republican on Real Time.
The wall is more than symbolic Bill. Wait a minute Juan. What do Latino Republicans know about Pink Floyd the Wall? I thought you guys skipped your Santana pothead phase in college all together.

Henry Ford blamed the Jewish German bankers for starting World War 2. He also accepted the Grand Cross of the German Eagle from the Nazi’s just to assuage his feelings for his peace ship conference going nowhere. Some model plan b.

Rep. Rashida Tlaib was just matching Trump’s foul mouthed smack talk. No she wasn’t, because “we’re going to impeach that motherf—er is low IQ, fake news funny. Good to know Kid Rock country is under Sharia law now though.

Schumer insisting Trump is the one throwing a temper tantrum is like Rob Reiner telling the new PLO rep from Michigan to take a chill pill.

Enough with Trump choose fear Pelosi. Trump didn’t fabricate avoidable, rape, assault and murder. But making California a sanctuary for encouraged lawlessness gives you the moral high ground denture breath.

What’s there to be skeptical about? More Americans will die this year from drugs than all the Americans who died from Vietnam. But boomers don’t feel the need to politicize this issue. Despite their kids being druggy dependents for life.

What’s the Democratic’s noble purpose? Ensuring a Park Ranger at Yosemite doesn’t miss another check? Or is it rigging more elections through illegal voting so they can stay in power in longer because they’re power hungry parasites.

We can secure our border by other means. How so Chuck? You got some Iron Man armor to sell Border Patrol? Perhaps, a clone of Green Lantern’s ring to create a green laser fence in place of steel slats. You’re still down with clones? Aren’t you pal?

The worst part about blaming the rise of Trump on Fox News. Is it scoffs at the notion of America voting for a regime change. After Obama castrated our military, declared war on cops, nuke gifted Iran and let heroin spread like wild fire on his watch.

Fact is Democrats will never win another election in this country if they don’t stop treating Fox News like the big bad, wolf. Hannity is a blimpy blowhard in a suit and Tucker is a preppy, grating twerp with good hair. Get over it.

When your parents are cool spending another indoor summer in Arizona away from their 3 grandchildren for 4 years straight. Bordering on almost full blown neglect. It’s safe to say, they’re not suffering from family separation anxiety.

Wife
I love school delays.
Me
Of course you do. Its gives you an out for being in zero rush to read my 2nd piece republished on the Good Men Project this week.

The Mama of Little Bear would love to give him Melotonin
Bear Gummies if she could. So she could squeeze in another steamy romance novel before bed with Fabio as the voice of Smokey Robinson Bear whenever Papa bear’s on a fishing trip in Alaska.

Little Bear is primarily about Little Bear being obsessed about being abandoned by his father. Awake or asleep , he just imagines being reunited with this dad. But kids need mom around more.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

But You Use Good Ingredients

But you use good ingredients means, you only think you’re interesting because you’re on exceptionally good blow.

But you use good ingredients means anyone can produce a serviceable product
on your budget Pinstripe Puck.

But you use good ingredients, means you’re only as good as your performing enhancing flavors.

But you use good ingredients implies even the drummer from Def Leppard could make it good with his left foot.

But you use good ingredients means, Michelle Obama couldn’t f it up. I don’t care about how many bitter greens she rammed into it.

But you use good ingredients says, I don’t trust your cooking instincts enough to improvise like John Leguizamo.

But you use good ingredients implies, your prospects at getting on Top Chef is below Sylvia Plath scoring a job as a repair woman for Viking Stoves.

But you use good ingredients says, of course Scary Spice looks better, sprinkled with specs of gold from head to toe.

But you use good ingredients means, you’ve got no natural feel for high end recipe creation without being dependent on Mario Batali cliff notes on the I-Pad.

But you use good ingredients screams, I could sound like a dignified, wise ass, flake of no substance with Obama’s speechwriters at my beck and call also.

But you use good ingredients says I don’t respect your innate feel for coaxing maximum flavor from serf veggie ingredients like armpit sweat in place of cold press Olive Oil.

But you use good ingredients says I still don’t see you rising to the challenge of baking a Pomegranate Souffle without it looking like Grimace sat on top of it after a bad case of the runs.
But you use good ingredients says adding Truffles on it is like putting lipstick on a pig. You’re welcome Palin. Your analogy finally makes sense after all.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Why Stay At Home Comedian Sells Huge

Half of America’s 64 million branded racists to be exact, will clamor to buy a copy because for 2 years straight they haven’t been hearing this material on Kimmel.

Who doesn’t want to read A plus jokes shadowbanned by Twitter and LinkedIn to reveal what fascist, free speech censoring, fake news morality police overlords Silicon Valley has become.  Since selling their souls to China to play Steve Jobs for a living, minus chummy relationships with Bono.

Because Stay At Home Comedian provides a funny, moving, heartfelt, inspirational tale about rising from slug to stud as the new face of the remote work revolution.

Because most prose essay stylists, Gore Vidal and Anthony Bourdain excluded, suck out loud off the page. And couldn’t ad lib laugh yanker funny if their free nespresso pod deal for life from Harper Collins depended on it. Stay At Home Comedian doesn’t have this issue nor does suffer from self-esteem issues, writing about himself in the 3rd person like a too tall Jew, Rick Henderson in the process.

It sells huge because books on fatherhood suck and mostly boring novels nobody reads anymore anyway.

Its sells huge because in Stay At Home Comedian Joan Rivers lives, by outpunching her prose by loading his paragraphs with more condensed, smart laugh yankers than she ever did in her essay collections like I Hate Everyone and Diary of Mad Diva, no offense.

It sells huge because of the jokes in Stay At Home Comedian have been embraced and loved by Twitter homies and WordPress Peeps already.

Its sells huge because 1st person narratives on fatherhood from a comedian’s perspective haven’t existed prior because the successful ones have been to busy on the road making a living, trying to keep their families together. Being a Stay At Home Comedian/Father of 3 with no grandparent assistance in sight. I haven’t had such freedom or a booking agent, or enough practice stage time to do so.

It sells huge because Whoopie will love my story about Paul Mooney on the View.

It sells huge because the Good Men Project has republished chapters of the book prior solidifying my good man status such as “Wishing My Son’s Birthday Never Blows”, “3 Kids is Brave” and “Birth of a Pescatarian Comedian.” Also the Good Men Project partners with other publishing sites like the Huffington Post so I can’t be perceived as too much of a hateful, divisive monster. Especially after you feel the palpable love and gratitude I express for becoming an unplanned parent in my falling for fatherhood love tale for the ages.

Its sells huge because half of America can’t resist stories of my kids hugging flags and reverse narrative control, describing in full blown comedic detail why Hillary Hammer Time Cankles is not and will never be my daughter’s role model.

It sells huge because I’ve amassed 27 hours of A list standup material in the form of 57 plus podcasts over 1 year alone off the weed. John Lennon wishes he was this productive during his stay at home dads years.

It sells huge because in the age of me to, there’s been no other do it all dad pride incarnate voice, insisting on his 2 sons carrying around pre-poundage release forms once they start junior high.

It sells huge because the brothers love me and I always said, Kayne West knows friendship best.

It sells huge because New Yorkers grow up in melting pots like myself so Stay At Home Comedian can connect, entertain and move almost anybody.

It sells huge because I’m a more literate, hungry, poetic Howard Stern.

It sells huge because my children are superior company than most which is a glorious reflection of my own larger than life personality.

It sells huge no other humor books are funny because the real comedians who get laughs on stage for a living, save their best material for their road act off the page.

It sells huge because the writing in Stay At Home Comedian isn’t edgeless, soft served, musings on parenthood compared to Tina Fey’s Bossypants.

It sells huge because other prose stylist essayists like the late Christopher Hitchens don’t talk about God in the most heart tingly, soul stirring way I do.

It sells huge because I’ll look better than Michael Chabon on the book cover despite my eyes not looking as dreamy, nor be showcasing my chosen curls anymore.

It sells huge because Stay At Home Comedian slapping his bum with a spatula as his 3 kids point up laughing in hysterics is money in the bank, after the reading the caption below, controlling my kids with comedy.

It sells huge because men don’t have any modern day, funny man, American stylists to fill Bourdain’s shoes until now. Fire and Knives published my piece Anthony Bourdain Rips My Frozen Lunch Apart. And empower his voice with even greater, lacerating gusto at my expense.

It sells huge because what else are you getting your dad for Father’s Day next year,  a book by BJ Novak? He’s likeable but nobody loves him. Comedy Central felt the same when they resigned Trevor Noah for the forseeable future.

It sells huge because I’ll go on Seth Meth Meyers only to make fun of him. If you’re not scared of Trump, then, I’m into my mother as much as Seth Meyers.

It sells huge because if Ben Shapiro can make anyone endure his voice past the 2 minute mark, then I’m made in the shade.

It sells huge because old school comedians like Seinfeld will get his wife to promote by book based on the chapter “Shoulder Rides on the Shoulders of Comedy Giants alone.”

Its sells huge because by writing about my 3 pitch perfect, ultra sweet kids I minimize my asshole vibe while still delivering the laughs better than others.

It sells huge because I’m dunking a basketball on the back cover while slamming a Torpedo double IPA beer from Sierra Nevada which is worth the 27 dollar price tag alone.

It sells huge because I’m more loveable and just as biting as Roseanne ever was.

It sells huge because my computer passwords for everything are either best seller or Samuel wins, my lucky number 3. So Stay At Home Comedian, “Controlling My Kids with Comedy” is bound for glory. Freeing me up from a 8-7 job so I can write more best selling books with my lucky 3 Samuel by my side.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

What Happens to Stay At Home Comedian?

He scores a lit agent and a big time publishing deal for his follow up smash hit book, Birth of a Pescatarian Comedian, Family Meals Reviews one rant at a time.

He celebrates by taking his daughter skating in Wollman Rink in Central Park this winter before they nosh on primo high end smoked salmon tea Sandwiches at Tavern on the Green soon after. Giving his daughter a taste of the big time for a change.

He helps co-write a book with the 11 year winner of Shark Tank, Jack Bonneau about financial literacy for aspiring young entrepreneurs deciding to be their own best role models called, Trillionaire Baby. And Betsy Devos makes it mandatory reading for all US high school students graduating the 6th grade.  Opener reads. 7 year old daughter asks me. Daddy, how many zeros are in a trillion? Daddy, do you really have to Google that? Daddy, are you financially illiterate? Is this why you call yourself a degenerate Jew? Dad replies. I did have to partner with a 12 year old with enough profit making prowess and working financial credit to write a book on the subject kiddo.  I only wish my Math SAT scores were sealed like Obama’s college records.

He takes his family to Copenhagen next summer for a book signing tour, becoming the funniest, most outrageous, spokesperson for the wonders of attachment parenting and how working remote in addition to controlling our kids through comedy can make our kids great again.

He buys his son Arthur Morrison Kornbluth his own guitar already and befriends a guitar teacher. And write a book together about the greatest guitar shredder history teacher of all time. Who wants to make guitar shredding pop metal sheik fly high with the angels for old times sake.

He renews his vows to his wife, Natalia Anna Duffy, but writes them on his own this time. Obviously, only being in charge of the wedding playlist 7 years ago was his only capable contribution.

He buys his wife the wedding ring based on his own earnings, not his parents because his wife Natalia, future Boob Doctor, Lactation Consultant for the stars deserves to be showered with love for her endless investment post three children in his funny man writing paying huge dividends already.

He starts hosting his family meal review cooking show Double Talk With Chef Samuels, his Gerber baby incarnate 2 year old son on YouTube, scoring Ninja blender as their 1st major sponsor in the process.

He takes his Do It All Dad Year podcast to new heights by becoming a medium for dead famous dads, conveying their must hear messages, resolving unfinished business for tremendous, hilarious, moving impact.

He writes a thank you letter for every sales manager who ever fired him,

He flies out to LA to celebrate with his best bud Jay, who always believed in him making it, despite coming home from work, watching him tell a bomb show of joke stabs in front of the mirror again and again.

He goes on Tucker Carlson to shower love on Barnes Noble and his publisher Harper Collins for keeping freedom of speech alive and for not shadow banning him yet.

He goes on Howard Stern and makes fun of Howard for paying his writers shit.

He goes on the Joe Rogan Podcast and get’s stoned for old time sake because he’s really earned it this time around.

He appears on InfoWars and says Joan lives after every punchline he delivers.

He appears on the Russell Brand podcast and suggests they do a movie together about getting banned from England and pissing off the royal family royally.

He performs at the White House Correspondents Dinner in 2020 as a 2 time best selling author. And does 20 minutes on Michelle Wolf and Raggedy Ann go to a bar material alone.

He get’s out the house more than usual to take his old friend Chaim out to lunch in Manhattan for encouraging him to do a podcast which lead the launch of his successful author career.

He reconnects with his old high school friend Ari who told him to keep writing on top of saying, you can be great.

He takes out his copywriting teacher at Media Bistro in Manhattan for pushing him to write a pilot for Amazon which lead to his TV writing break at VH1 Classic in Manhattan for America’s Hard 100.

He takes his dad out in Arizona for a round of golf on his dime for a change. Mom asks: Why are you acting like such a big deal all of a sudden son? Stay At Home Comedian replies: You wouldn’t be interested. Mom says: Why not? Stay At Home Comedian responds. Remember, the letter you sent me stating, to never expect you to show any interest in my writing career as an unemployed comedian/father of 3? Silence ensues. Yeah, like I said, you wouldn’t be interested.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth