Lady Laugh

Int. Stop and Shop-Morning
Do It All Dad swerves the shopping cart with a toy car seat attachment on the front with his 2 year old son Chosen Curls behind the toy wheel.

Do It All Dad
Somebody has been hitting the bottle hard this morning.

Another reason to hate Facebook.
Janice Bevilacqua, a poet, mother, best laugh ever, #deadhead, my high school class of 94, died 5 years ago. And I’m still getting birthday notifications for her on Facebook. Still making the universe laugh beautiful angel.

INT. HOME-AM
Do It All Dad
So Matilda, Kellyanne Conway is the 1st female Campaign Manager.
Wife
Don’t talk politics with my daughter.
Do It All Dad
But Trump will autograph my copy of A list #shadowbanned jokes, Stay At Home Comedian.

Nurse
We got your biopsy results back.
There’s no evidence of you having skin cancer.
Do It All Dad
There’s also zero evidence of #GeorgeConway ever being confused for George Clooney or in possession of a funny Jew bone in his body.

INT. HOME
Son
You never play with me. You never do anything with me.
Do It All Dad starts playfully kneeing his son in the midsection.
Do It All Dad
Did you say, do it all dad doesn’t knee you in midsection enough?

Son laughs, priceless.

INT. Living Room

Daughter
Daddy, show me a picture of the best looking girl who follows your blog on WordPress.

I show her.

Daughter
You can do better.

Son
Yeah, I wouldn’t dump Mama for her either, Dada.

If I block political ads for Elizabeth Warren on Twitter, does it make me Pocahontas Phobic or overly self-conscious of my deplorable grammar? Because she reminds me of my 9th grade English teacher, Mrs. Gilmore minus the southern charm.

 

INT. Daughters New Bedroom
Daughter
Daddy, do you love my new bedroom.?
I must say, you’re dealing well with this room no longer being your podcast writer office.
Do It All Dad
My next podcast episode title is “Demoted to the Garage.”

Why is Wendy Williams so popular again? Is she considered a more down to earth Oprah? Who doesn’t empower A list rapists like Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein? Is Ellen considered an edgeless mouthpiece for the DNC in comparison? I don’t get it.

Can I blame Obama for ruining Woodstock festivals also? Why is Jay Z headlining Woodstock? Let me guess, Gary Clark Junior sings with him about how Trump stole Jay Z’s stake as the greatest MC ever because he has more followers on Twitter.

Biden is a total moron if he ends up running against Trump. What’s he calling his revised proposal for free Universal Health Care? Obama cared less about Americans keeping their provider? Because he really wasn’t one if you need to know.

Gave a standing o for the 1st Kill Bill, Inglorious Bastards, perfection. Reservoir Dogs, is his best. Still, did Quentin ever address Uma’s charges of chocking her with nunchucks on the set of Kill Bill as Harvey watched, touching himself, footing the bill?

Solution for final destruction of the resistance’s fleeting grasp of power in this world or the one below.

Trump proposes. Fine no Electoral College for 2020, we only count the popular vote. Just agree, to E-Verify Voter ID & you got yourself a deal Nancy.

 

Subhuman is anyone who defends ANTIFA like they’re King Arthur’s knights of the round table. Or anyone who defends Baby Face’s Omar comments as silly, brainwashed, PLO trainee rhetoric or anyone whose still glad Jussie Smollet took a shot.

 

Bernie Sanders talking to himself.
How do I do a better job of communicating how socialism leads to a vibrant democracy? I pitch to Netflix an American Idol refresh to make Nordic Black Metal great again?

 

NYU is letting Linda Sarsour speak. They do realize Adam Sandler is an alum, correct? You know the golden Jew who wrote the Chanukah song? OJ Simpson better be changed to Linda Sarsour, definitely not a fan.

 

Ted Koppel says the Establish Press is “out to get Trump.” It only took you 2 years to form an opinion on the subject Ted? Show real balls and discuss why Brennan and Clapper work for CNN covering up Obama’s plan to wipe out America with Fentanyl.

White Supremacists see Trump “on their side.” All of a sudden, Trump drinks and does Jager bombs with Milo at some after hours CPAC speakeasy off Special K Street? Is Trump retweeting Prince Harry now more than Jesse Waters from Fox & Friends?

Germany is furious at the US Ambassador for calling out their low defense spending. Bring up the Marshall Plan and how you never recouped your lost sense of pride and magnitude of wealth and culture before you let Hitler ruin everything.

Disney just bought all of Fox Entertainment’s assets for 76 billion. Now, the Simpsons will make sure Linda Sarsour can make endless cameo appearances with Chelsea Handler’s Nazi roots, to prop up her tits sagging popularity.

Janice Bevilacqua had the best laugh of all time.
It opened up Heaven’s Gate.
Only the good die young.
Lady Laugh star was her fate.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Family Friendly Book 1st

5 Remaining Chapter Titles for my upcoming book of essays Falling for Fatherhood, How 3 Kids Got My Act Together. Before my follow up A list, #shadowbanned joke book, Stay At Home Comedian, Controlling My Kids With Comedy, out July 4th 2019, USA, USA.

Hugging It Out With Old Glory, The Boob Doctor, Spring Break in Norway, Kite Flying Depressing Me and Stay At Home Dads Got Nobody.

Stay At Home Dads Got Nobody.
Stay At Home Dads have a bitchy devil in their ear telling them to do adderall because it makes you’ll feel like a more together Betty Draper in Madmen. Banging out laundry and jokes on Twitter with greater determined purpose.

Spring Break In Norway
Norway couldn’t be more kid friendly. You can’t go to a park without stepping on a floor level, mesh trampoline. Our hotel buffet had 5 complimentary different cheese stations. Twitter didn’t #shadowban my tweets for the week.

Kite Flying Depressing Me
My beautiful 4 year old son flies his 1st kite, my father in law just set up for him. I’m depressing, thinking, “I can’t hate my father in law anymore because my dad only sees his grandson once a year because he no longer does the cold.”

Hugging It Out With Old Glory
My dad told the DJ to turn town Jimi’s version of the Star Spangled Banner at my wedding. My kids hug flags on Main Street with real love of country and anti-war songs, personifying descending death and soaring redemptive grace.

Hugging It Out With Old Glory
Did Fake News Fro Kaepernick hug it out with Old Glory after the NFL cut him the largest unemployment check ever recorded? Only in America baby, land of the free and home of collusion tales with less legs than Lieutenant Dan.

My Trump voiced GPS system.
Exit left for Mohegan Sun, Elizabeth Warren’s home away from home.

Calling for a ban of the #ElectoralCollege is equivalent to Elizabeth Warren calling 64 million Trump voters, racist, shit for brains, backwoods hick deplorables. Who don’t know any better than Rape Wood, Good Will Hoodie, Samantha Bee, gross.

This is George Conway at home with his 4 kids watching the Kennedy Award Honers at home.

I’m jealous of my wife. What can she give me you 4 kids can’t? A job in the White House dad.

At Stuyvesant, 74% of current students are Asian-American. So hurry up and complain about what poor role models A plus Asian American students are. Entitled slackers ruin everything.

Memo to Bill Maher:
Beto’s wife, fixated, blank stare was creepy in his presidential announcement video. She gives the kid from the Jeremy video a good run for his money. Wasn’t seeing her belting out alive naked on the Ukulele either.

Another reason to hate the NY Times besides not reporting on Nazi death camps forever.

Devin Nunes Sues Twitter For Allowing Accounts to Insult Him

If Nunes came out as a Trans PLO activist, in a Hijab, he’d be made in the shade.

 

Int. Smoke Shop
Pregnant Smoke Shop employee face times her baby.
Stay At Home Comedian
Thanks for rubbing my degenerate druggy past in my face. Face-Timing your kid as I take my sweet ass time selecting a new bowl with my 3 kids at home.

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

The Pescatarian Comedians

My daughter upstaging me as usual, addressing her younger brother.
“You’ll never know anything I don’t know because I’m older than you.”

My daughter not dealing well with hard genetic science.
Daddy, what if I’m 1 percent black? You’d sing with improved soul and attack the rim with higher hopper authority. Daughter replies. Kill yourself, daddy, kill yourself.

Michael Jackson’s less harmful legacy.
Ruining Weird Al children books with my kids.
Daddy, can we watch the Fat video again?
The animated feeling has lost it’s loving feeling, sorry kids.
I’m sick to my stomach, you know it.

Int. Car
Stay At Home Comedian
Did you just call Jane or did she call you?
Younger Brother
I called her. She’s my fiance.
Stay At Home Comedian
2nd in 2 years. Still, feels excessive.
But fine, her presence is impossible to live without.

Int. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
Will have zero impact on Ivanka becoming the 1st Jewish, woman US president in 2024. I agree. Let’s see what a proud converter Jew feminist mom is then.

Int. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
There were peaceful protesters present along with ANTIFA & the bussed in screenshot of KKK extras from central castings in polo shirts and tiki torches.

Obama’s former aide contacted Chicago PD about having his FBI loyalists take over the Jussie Smollet case. How beloved is Obama in his sweet home Chicago? When he get’s a royal f you from the Chicago PD instead. John Hughes beloved, he’s not.

Every Trump fight instigated by the resistors resistance to factual based reality ends with, I can refute 5 of your facts with 10 more. At this point, just save your breath and utter Ivanka 2024, 1st Jewish, woman US president. You’re welcome.

 

Int. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
It wasn’t only a white supremacist rally.
It was also a monument to fake news appeasing ANTIFA led violence against Trump supporters and MAGA hats moron.

Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
Robert E. Lee called slavery a moral political evil. And Trump electrician supporters aren’t dismantling Airport TV’s paid to play CNN’s staged hate crimes to trigger a new civil war.

Arizona Police Feds seized 45,000 Fentanyl pills in 2 operations.
It wasn’t the spring cleaning Obama was hoping for.

Omar’s an easy target because she’s a black Muslim. I thought it was because she converted to Judaism like Ivanka being such a moderate, progressive minded voice of Islam in the House of Representatives, my bad.

Int. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
The monument being taken down wasn’t of Al Sharpton. And he forced a black girl to lie about being raped by a NYPD officer. But now you’re a Spike Lee fan?

Baby Face Omar is an easy target because she’s a black Muslim. But Obama avoided any hard questions about his faith and he’s way prettier. His Farsi dialect doesn’t sound blood thirsty gruff either. You want to talk one of the prettiest sounds on earth.

Border Wall supporters follow the white supremacy agenda? But the Klan would attempt to chase down Jesse Owens, not Speedy Gonzalez. Also, the Klan never feared their woman speeding into Speedy’s arms if given the chance, just saying.

Memo to Stephen Colbert:
What Trump is doing to the nation is horrible? What you’ve done to the state of American comedy is the real travesty dude. But taking pictures with John Podesta is a great look twerp. Sure you got nothing to hide but being funny anymore.

Trump emboldens white Nationalists Tim Kaine? How would you know? Does your son’s Crystal Meth dealer follow POTUS on Twitter? And since when are white nationalists cool with Jewish grandchildren populating the White House, on Bank Holidays? Just curious Tiny Tim.

What the left has become blows. I hate JK Rowling but who cares if she outed any fictional freak figures of her creation. Stop being so you know what about it.

I retrieve a nifty Nerf football down a high mountain with my 2 kids. Wife looks down on me holding baby with disgust.

Do It All Dad
What, I’m teaching my kids the importance of not throwing away money?
Wife
Then, why don’t you have life insurance yet?

Ext. Mountain Hike-NY
Daughter
Mimi acts like us moving to Arizona is convenient for us but it’s really just more convenient for them. Plus, they hate you Dada for supporting Trump. So you shouldn’t give them the satisfaction.

When it rains in Scottsdale, Arizona it looks like a wet pile of rocks.

Brother
The world doesn’t revolve around you kids.
Stay At Home Comedian
Mine does, so they don’t end up like you.
But playing the victim of addiction for 2 decades. Who can’t stop being a lying, scumbag has done wonders for your imagination so far.

 

INT. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
ANTIFA aren’t domestic terrorists.
I watch Vice and Bill Maher.
Stay At Home Comedian
They fire bomb buildings in Berkeley because big bad, Ben Shapiro came to town for a speech on 2nd amendment rights.

Int. Car
Younger Brother
My coke dealer who only sells me adderall
now wants to meet you.
Stay At Home Comedian
Does he check in with you more than I do?
Also, am I supposed to be excited about coming face to face with your white angel of death?

Anyone who says I’m friends with Trump lovers means they don’t love you if you love Trump to. You have boys who love Trump dude? And you’re cool with it. Despite turning Albino white when I called ANTIFA domestic terrorists, you mush brained mook.

Int. Car

Brother
The world doesn’t revolve around you kids.
Mom and dad had 2 kids and both worked.
Stay At Home Comedian
I played alone with GI Joe figures till age 16.
And you were shipped off to boarding school at 15. Mr. Rogers, watch out.

 

I love it when younger, dressed up girls do selfies across the train from me on their way to White Plains, NY for St. Patricks Day . It means my ring is making them green with envy. And I no longer feel so excessively Jewish around House of Pain.

 

Int. Home
Wife
Don’t expect me to do cartwheels over your latest and greatest genius idea.
Any money for you to produce now would be nice.
Stay At Home Comedian
I can’t wait to see how excited you’re for me when I start booking gigs at Country Clubs in Connecticut.

Judge Jeanine’s gone hard at the vermin for trying to derail the Trump Train bound for glory from the start. But she can’t say Sharia Law on TV? What’s upheld in Europe right now? Besides no go zones being safe spaces for Palestinian freedom fighters.

 

Ext. Mobil
Younger Brother
You need weed to hang out with me?
Stay At Home Comedian
I’m not here to jerk off your Facebook posts about banning all guns or show interest in how you listen to Crosby Stills to minimize hate in your life now.

 

Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
They were good, God loving peaceful white protesters in attendance, protesting the taking down of the Robert E. Lee statue. He called slavery a moral evil like the UN, Rape Wood, John Podesta’s email chains, etc.

I cried at least twice when I saw the footage of President Trump sign his veto for his national declaration act. The Angel moms are so strong. The love and respect in the oval office at this moment was so palpable. Finally, felt a change is going come Mr. Sam Cooke.

INT. CAR-MOBIL GAS STATION
Younger Brother
You need weed to hang out with me?
Stay At Home Comedian
I just bought you a piece and about to score you a huge bag for not much, so you can feel like a big shot again. Mom reminds me how important this for you.

Brother
You never check in on me. I lost my job. Why try anymore?
The world doesn’t revolve around your kids.
Stay At Home Comedian
Your shitty Pete Davidson impersonation isn’t moving me one 1 bit. Is the 2 Instagram followers worth it?

Int. Home
Stay At Home Comedian
Doesn’t your maternal instinct always want to hear, mama, mama? Because this way you’re always able to feel appreciated and needed? Granted, they could be crying mama because you don’t love them as well as I do.

Int. Home
Wife
Don’t expect me to cartwheels over your genius idea.
Stay At Home Comedian
Thanks for the final nudge to write my pilot for Crazy, Good, Dada about our family friendly, food sketch comedy show, The Pescatarian Comedians.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Overrated New Yorkers

Int. Kids U-Pleasantville, NY

Little kid smiles wide at me.
Stay At Home Comedian
Mom is boring you to death again, kid?
Kid
How you can tell?
Stay At Home Comedian
Because my mere presence does more for you already for starters.

POTUS vetoed the attempt to cock block his national emergency declaration. Despite congress as a whole trying to cock block it because they also bought into hands up, don’t shoot. New Yorkers like Trump who don’t sweat Uni Brow Maddow and Rape Wood power brokers are the best, USA, USA.

Why doesn’t Google want to work with our department of defense again? Oh, yeah, they’re still searching for their soul after they sold it to Chinese overlords who took out Bruce Lee. Nothing to crow about here.

My new line to anger my wife after my kids launch into another fabled yummy dance is: The dish was made with love. Glad you love the shrimp, scallion, stir fry, made with love Matilda. You think Mom, will ever show the best of her love and make me ribs once?

John Cusak: Democracy dies unless Trump rots in prison. You’d think Trump triggered his boy Hunter S. Thompson into a premature suicide by calling him an overrated writer. Hunter’s better off dead. Fake News fro didn’t make his precious NFL any better.

 

Memo to Gary Clark Junior:
How is Trump trying to take your land? Stick to guitar playing in retro Jimi Hendrix hats. I loved your last album dude. But let’s not pretend you’re a super deep thinker, linguistic genius like Kayne either.

Beto’s billionaire heiress wife is perfect for him. She stares at him intently because she knows who the eye candy is in the relationship. During his announcement to run, she ponders: Why can’t you get this worked up when you dress up for me as Magic Mike?

In Germany today, you can firebomb a Synagogue and the judge won’t decry the act as a blatant example of Anti-Semitism. They’ll make the court reporter call the terrorist a community organizer protesting Israel’s right to exist.

Blumenthal, you’re a disgrace to the Jewish people, Trump’s rhetoric was a factor in the New Zealand people? You’re a fake news war hero. You support the open border destruction of our country from stuck up, old money white Connecticut.

Trump empowers the KKK? How, by hugging it out with Kayne? Spearheading our embassy move to Jerusalem? Taking Dennis Rodman’s calls? Flip the script. Why don’t you ever hear about how much Obama empowered nuke builders, cop killers and Fentanyl pushers holmes?

Baby Face Omar was smeared? She called all supporters of Israel, deceiving, distrustful, money grubbing Shylocks, minus the Shylocks part because quoting Shakespeare would scream too much white privilege for her brand of anti-American imperial elitism.

Bin Laden sends warmest sympathy & best wishes to all New Yorker’s. What the fuck does mean Jeffrey Wright? You’re still just an actor right. A highly overrated, creepy one at that. But I’m sure Spike appreciates your new audition reel.

Fentanyl crossing the border has killed more Americans than died in Vietnam. Still border security is considered a manufactured crisis like Trump beating Hillary Hammer Time Cankles. Resulting in a nationwide white supremacist crisis.

I’m no fan but those who bitch at Chelsea Clinton for calling out Baby Face Omar for the transparent, foaming, anti-semite she is, beekeeper attire on or not can burn in hell. I’ll concede, Islam is super tolerant of Jew haters. It’s leaders are at peace with this much.

Jesse Smollett pleading not guilty in court.
Innocent, your honor. All the Fentanyl Obama let into our country made me do it. Judge says. Good point kid. Obama only pardoned weed and coke dealers. I’m assuming to get better shit.

Int. White House
Chief of Drug Control
King Hussein, Barry O, whatever, Fentanyl is killing more crackers than Taylor Swift kicking it with Lena Dunham.
President Obama
I’m out of magic. You think I’m a Voodoo Child or something?
Wife
No more American Dad with the kids.
Stay At Home Comedian
It’s a show about an American patriot who loves his country and wife down the middle. Plus, Roger is the hilarious gay friend you never had.
Wife
I agree. You’re not as hilarious.

Daughter to younger brother.
You’re the best brother in the world.
Now, can you stop being a wild beast?

I hate my pothead neighbors. I used to be one. But wake and baking 1st thing in the AM on a weekday down the street from the bus stop is the true definition of low class. I don’t care what color you are or what grade of stuff you intake.

EXT. HOME
Wife
Don’t leave the kids unsupervised watching American Dad.
Stay At Home Comedian
How about the ginger, scallion shrimp stir fry was delicious.
And I was of zero help entertaining the kids or keeping them busy during your do it all dad routine.

INT. Kids U
Stay At Home Comedian
What would be your top 3 reasons for leaving NY?
Kids U Worker
The People, the people, the people.
Stay At Home Comedian
Last call at 4 has lost it’s allure for me also.
This much I can resist.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

Do It All Dad Does Disses To

Magic can’t trade Lebron. He made HIV disappear. Who are you to question Magic’s handle on the situation?

Explaining the significance of Elvis to my son.
Elvis was a white man who sounded like a black man. And before Elvis, dads weren’t letting their daughters hop on a train to the south side of Chicago to see Buddy Guy jerk off his guitar shaft.

Int. Off Broadway Playhouse
Rosario Dawson
Would you run into a burning building for me, bad boy soy boy?
Corey Booker
Was it you or Chloe Sevigny who got Aids in Kids?
Just kidding. In the end, Chloe didn’t feel so privileged after all.

Ban the electoral college. Because New York City has its shit together? New York City teachers can’t suspend Dangerous minds anymore like Tupac from Juice. Democrats have an easier time passing a bill denouncing anti-semites in their own house.

Trump is trampling on the Constitution? I thought he was showing Ann Coulter whose in charge.

Int. Home
Kellyanne Conway
Pass the ketchup dear.
Kellyanne Conway’s Husband
Heinz says it’s organic but it’s a total lie like your boss’s man of the people spiel.
Kellaynne Conway
These kids can’t go off to college fast enough.

Int. Home-Manhattan Beach
Jimmy Kimmel
Trump is terrible.
Head Writer Wife
I know you’re excited to interview Ann Coulter Jimmy. But your cheating, slut bitch ex Sarah Silverman, is the one whose truly gone off the reservation.

 

Highlights of my day back to back.
Daughter
Daddy, this Tortellini is perfect and fresh. The seltzer really makes it pop.
Son
Mommy wasn’t entertaining me. I was playing with my Amazon Kindle.

Wife letting herself off the hook.
Baby really loves Little Bear. It’s a show on Nick Junior. Meanwhile, I’m thinking, he just prefers Little Bear’s company over you. Always knew he was a quick learner.

Intro for my 1st pilot script in 3 years, Crazy Good Dada.
Int. Dining/TV Room
(V.0)
Crazy Good Dada
This casserole was made with o.o love.
No yummy dances in mama’s honor tonight.
Crazy, good, it’s not.
Do It All Dad can’t be dismissed.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Sugarcoating Stupid

Morning Prayer:
Please make the Lakers trade Lebron back to Cleveland for Kevin Love alone. Odell and Lebron will become tragic symbols of social media fueled narcissism gone wild. In the end, they’re just posting selfies for themselves.

 

Suggested hashtag campaigns for #CollegeCheatingScandal

Sugarcoating Stupid
Bitter Dead Heads
Colossal College Collusion Busts
Sorry, Our Mom Isn’t Reese Witherspoon
Whose The Dumb Mook Now?

The Mr. Rogers doc on HBO is a must see. I’m paraphrasing but Mr. Roger’s message is beautiful. He says: The greatest gift you can give someone is helping someone know they’re capable of being loved. Without having to buy their way into USC.

Sorry God, but I hate any Christian fundamentalist who forced their kids to picket with God Hates Gays shirts after 911. Who also lumped Mr. Rogers into God’s wrathful fury because he “tolerated” his gay neighbors blaring of Donna Summer over Fundoo.

NY State leads all states in population loss now. 3rd Trimester babies don’t count according to the New York State census bureau. And never stood a chance of getting out of here alive.

Anyone read the Testicular Bill yet? It requires a 24 hour waiting period for porn shop purchases like bargain bin Stormy Daniels DVD’s because Jenna Jameson DVD’s still command top dollar. You want to ban masturbation next? It’s our only safety rail left?

At Target today, I saw a Michelle Obama book titled Reach Higher. Bill Maher just got a stiffy. Joan lives.

Kushner got into Harvard after his Dad’s donation. Prove it Daily Beast. Compare Obama’s GPA at Harvard to Kushner to see how brainless the sketchy Jew was. Darn, Obama’s college records are sealed. So much for being Mr. Transparent.

What does Stevie Nicks have to say to Hillary backstage at MSG? Please tell me Bill didn’t rape those woman, abandon his black love child & Facetime convicted pedo Jeffrey Epstein before lights out each night. Tell me lies Hillary, only sweet little lies.

#FacebookDown, did Diamond and Silk bankrupt Good Will Hoodie over a trillion dollar defamation suit, for branding them a menace to their community? Yeah and De La Soul were the pioneers responsible for gangsta, cop killer rap.

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Hating On Jews Now

Brother’s fiancé attacking parents of child actors entrusting their children with touring productions of Annie.

What did these parents expect? Actors Equity Card membership for their star seeded offspring to feed off tomorrow.

 

Younger brother clarifies his previous text to me. Need your body to rest on.
That text was for Jane. I reply. I think your brain needs a rest from hard drug use in the bathroom stall dreaming.

My brother’s fiancé  suffers from anxiety because she stresses over grading essays for ESL, which stands for English as a second language. Worst case, Jet Li Jr. doesn’t give her a Mandarin for overlooking his intellectual property theft from the Art of War.

If current Democrats in power love Jews so much. Then why hasn’t one prominent one in the House or Senate called Baby Face Omar to her a face a blatant, Anti-Semitic bigot of the most transparent order, Beekeeper burka on or not?

Michelle Obama is a rock star? Is she playing Tina Turner in a biopic remake movie for Netflix called, What’s Talent Got To Do With It?

Do Democrats hate Jews? How many love Ivanka? She eats Kosher. Her husband helped pass prison reform, affecting mainly men of color. CNN coddles Baby Face Omar like she’s a lost, brain washed PLO intern refugee for Roger Waters. You tell me.

Dr. Seuss is guilty of casual racism now because he only depicts Arabs riding camels. But these camels are pink. So he’s really shining a spotlight on the rich, beautiful diversity of albino Camels. Who never see the light of day except in kids picture books.

Dr. Seuss is racist now. Why, because the Lorax looks like Donald Trump and Captain Caveman had a baby?

Dr. Seuss is racist now. Because refusing to read my kids Green Eggs and Ham means, I hate Irish people and fold my arms to Jump Around? And won’t give credit to Danny Ainge for being a shrewd, front office GM for the Boston Celtics.

Cat in the Hat is a racist? I thought he was a larger than life, pimp daddy lover of rhyme who like Slick Rick peaked early. Paving the way for smoother, longer lasting, more dancing and prancing tongue twister cats like Walt Frazier.

Dr. Seuss illustrations erase children of color? The majority of his books are about an extra tall Cat in a Pimp Hat. Who spits children rhymes like Slick Rick if he never played with BB Guns. Still, don’t see the problem here.

Int. Whole Foods-NY
Barista
The Espresso Machine is out of order.
Stay At Home Comedian
Jeff Bezos is the richest man on earth.
You don’t have a flying clone espresso machine handy?
Today, I’m liking Howard Schultz more than usual.

50% of Americans are for Socialism today. So all the young kids tweaked on Adderall now are working harder at sounding more entitled than ever before?

 

John Wayne movies is the reason my English father in law moved to America.

He asks. Did you watch the Oscars?
No but they’re changing the name of John Wayne airport.
Because of his right wing politics?
CNN hates straight shooters Americans look up to.

Int. Car-Morning
Stay At Home Comedian
Matilda, Gentiles like Jida shouldn’t say Shylock around Jews like ourselves ever. His casual racist defense? Hugh Grant was portraying one in Paddington Bear? The old man SAP nerd is a Shakespearean scholar now? Too bad nobody asked you Limey. But you’re just anti-Israel mate.  The Democrat love feast with my Jewish brothers and sister continues.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

The Queer Word

Anyone who uses the expression, I sense you’re light in the loafers or queer only makes gay, bi or trans people gay as shit for never being ordinary hackish like them.

Anyone who uses the expression, I sense you’re light in the loafers or queer was never a dominant enough Alpha in High School to rise above playing school bully because their small brains are stuck on mush soft from the 80’s.

Anyone who uses the expression, I sense you’re light in the loafers or queer couldn’t sound anymore witless ordinary if they tried. Eccentric behavior for them is watching Emo Phillips with Slayer playing in the background once.

Int. Home-Daughter’s 8 Year Old Birthday Party

Wife’s Friend
Still doing stand-up?
SAP Consultant Father In Law
Not lately.
Stay At Home Comedian
You’d think his 3 grandchildren occupied all his free time blowing off SAP Recruiters and Sales and Distribution modules.

Wife
Baby was really into my dad.
Stay At Home Comedian
It must be his comatose, edge free personality.
But keep on thinking the schlocky Leprechaun hats from Trader Joes made him more endearing.

Making my in-laws blatantly uncomfortable, as I crack wise in front of my daughter’s friend’s mom.

I get my 2 older kids in bed by 9. Then, I’ll listen to my podcast with baby in bed for a grand finale. He claps at the end of shorter episodes.

Making my in-laws blatantly uncomfortable as I flirt with my daughter’s friend’s mother to cap of my kids birthday bash.

Neil Young dating Daryl Hannah. He’s going though a post mid life, never banged a Mermaid crisis.

Mom laughs long time.

 

Making my in-laws blatantly uncomfortable, as I crack wise in front of my daughter’s friend’s mom.

Bed sharing, attachment parenting, turning your bed in a 24/7 milk bar is good for kids. It’s like planting seeds of self-esteem on steroids.

Making my in-laws blatantly uncomfortable, as I crack wise in front of my daughter’s friend’s mom.

The core curriculum for 2nd grade is hardcore. Number sentences. I’m a degenerate Jew who has to count with his fingers for simple arithmetic.

 

Making my in-laws blatantly uncomfortable, as I crack wise in front of my daughter’s friend’s mom.
I don’t mind sharing the bed with our baby. I’ll take my snuggling 40’s over my lucky to get out alive of LA, swinging 20’s, any day of the week.

 

 

Younger Brother
I’ll try to make it there by 5. Jane has to do some serious grading.
Stay At Home Comedian
Serious grading, she teaches ESL for expressionless Japanese teenagers reared on Hello Kitty.

Younger Brother
I’ll try to make it there by 5. Jane has to do some serious grading.
Stay At Home Comedian
You’d think she made major cheddar like Tony Morrison grading AP student papers on Mice and Men.

Younger Brother
I’ll try to make it there by 5. Jane has to do some serious grading.
Stay At Home Comedian
For who, suburban Chinese students who get penalized for perfect standardized test scores regardless.

Younger Brother
I’ll try to make it there by 5. Jane has to do some serious grading.
Stay At Home Comedian
Serious grading, is she teaching the new Obama 2.0? Chances are, his school records will be sealed anyway.

 

Int. Home-Birthday Party
Stay At Home Comedian
Is that your Benz outside? Hitler’s drive by car of choice.
Is your boss Raymond Dalio at Bridgewater going to enter the Democratic race to unseat Trump? Or is he another ball-less blowhard like Jamie Dimon?

 

INT. Office
Daughter’ Friend
Matilda, tells me your publishing a book? I even took a peak and read a bit.

Stay At Home Comedian
You can tell your mom, my 1st moral parenting stance, was insisting my daughter only watched Woody Allen films with me which came out pre-Soon Yi.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
Is your baby sister the 1st thing you think about in the morning?
Daughter’s Friend
I think about how my dad bumped her head against the wall.
Stay At Home Comedian
God made kids putz proof. Thank God.

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Did I Watch The Oscars Rape Wood?

INT. Goodwill
Daughter
Why would anyone donate a diamond glittered glove?
Stay At Home Comedian
Michael Jackson impersonators being put out of business permanently. Finding Never Employable Again Land.

Int. Everyday Diner
Stay At Home Comedian
Cherry, Coke.
Waitress
It’s Pepsi Cherry Coke.
Stay At Home Comedian
I thought Jussie Smollet was desperate for attention.
I’ll have a regular Coke. The ghost of Michael Jackson creeps again.

INT. HOME SWEET HOME-NY
FATHER IN LAW
Matilda, when you were 1 where were you living?
STAY AT HOME COMEDIAN
Not in Delaware with Baba and Jida, devoid of all living color in more ways than one.

INT. CAR
Daughter
Daddy, is God a boy or a girl?
Stay At Home Comedian
George Carlin called God an office temp with a shitty attitude.
Daughter
I can see that.
Stay At Home Comedian
Stop acting so evolved at 8 years old already.

INT. CAR
Daughter
Daddy, is God a boy or a girl?
Stay At Home Comedian
If it was up to Bill Maher it would be a dreamy cross section in the middle.
Daughter
Daddy, was that a Michelle Obama Trans reference resulting in you getting murderd?

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
To hear Spike downplay the Alt Left’s escalating role in Charlottesville, doing their best Bomb Squad meets Beverly Hills Ninja impersonation?

Memo to Monique.
If Michael Jackson were alive to defend himself. His defense would be what? I bought homes for these kids parents and financed their shopping sprees on Rodeo Drive because Beatles royalty points can’t buy me love?

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Kayne didn’t. Plus, I don’t waste my time hearing celebs in gated communities, espousing one manufactured hate crime crisis after the next.

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Why, did Spike Lee insist Kevin Hart dropped out from hosting the awards to downplay his ties to the ruling, gay hip hop mafia?

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Kevin Hart or not, the laughs would be short in this age of Me to raped by Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein or by Cosby’s ironically low hanging pants.

INT. HOME INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Did the woman in white stand up to applaud Holocaust war hero liberators during Trump’s state of the union? Baby Face Omar can’t go against brand.
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Only Rape Wood’s allowed to resist?

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Clint Eastwood said Obama is the biggest fraud ever imposed upon the American Republic. I’ll take Clint’s word for it over Al Sharpton Lee, thanks.

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
Did Kevin Spacey buy the Old Vic Theater in London to lunge backstage at men in tights? Wait a sec, Kevin Spacey obviously did. No, I didn’t watch it.

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
To watch Bradley Cooper pretend he wants to bang Lady Gaga in real life?

INT. HOME
Father In Law
Did you watch the Oscars?
Stay At Home Comedian
If the golden Jew Adam Sandler hosted, sure. Trump’s the Anti-Christ. But Jesus defeats him. So have some faith in the Jesus comeback story people?

INT. HOME
Paddington scene with Hugh Grant.
Father in Law
He’s a Shylock.
Stay at Home Comedian
That’s a blatantly anti-Semitic, Shakespearian term used by mutt Mic, Limey cross breeds like your dumb ass father in law kids. But I’m the racist deplorable.

At this rate any more Obama shit talking coming out of baby face Omar white washes any demonizing of Israel or it’s supporters out of her pretty, innocent face for me. Please God, don’t let this be a one time fluke. Someone tell her about Joan Rivers already.

Really wish I didn’t see any interview excerpt of David Lee Roth on Joe Rogan. His laugh makes Seth’s Rogan’s laugh sound cool. Also, I’m not buying Dave being the bigger alpha male sex god in comparison to Sammy. Despite Sammy singing of love more often.

Baby Face Omar ripping Obama again.
Obama loves Hitler more than Trump. Obama wishes he was that organized. Exterminating all of his nosy critics at Fox News and Judicial Watch would be a gas.

Outsiders film review 20 years later.
C. Thomas Howell’s agent should burn in hell for wrecking his career. Machio did Karate Kid too soon. Emilio Estevez is golden in everything. And Matt Dillon mugs for the camera like Johnny Drama with his shirt off.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Birth Of A Family Man

Stay At Home Comedian
Arthur, you don’t need my Right Guard.
You never smell. We don’t even know what your farts smell like yet.

Democrats defending Illhan Omar’s blatant anti-semitism.
When she tweeted Jews are all about the Benjamin’s, she meant Jews only care for Puff Daddy’s earlier work before Suge Knight had Biggie gunned down on Wilshire Blvd.

Democrats trying to defend Illhan Omar’s blatant anti-Semitism again.
When she tweeted Jews hypnotize the world, she only meant the devilish line of monopolistic, master manipulator Jewish magicians like David Copperfield & David Blaine, duh.

I want to bang Meghan McCain again. Real life Charlottesville Nazis demonize Jews as controlling, manipulative, money driven demons. But using hip hop lingo such as Benjamin’s makes the Somalian refugee congresswoman innocuous like solo Ice Cube’s Wicked.

General Kelly would’ve served under Hillary Clinton? His son died a war hero, his sacrifice to our country doesn’t cut any deeper. Still, a 4 star general doesn’t know how to Google images of Tony Podesta’s art work? God, justice, can’t come soon enough.

How can you give Jared Kusher a security clearance? Are you kidding me? The only Jews less threatening than Jared Kushner are Ben Shapiro and Chelsea Clinton’s husband. Good to know General Kelly still has the Commander & Chief’s back though.

DNC doesn’t want Fox to host any of the debates because they won’t offer a fair and neutral debate. Isn’t there a Fox affiliate in Switzerland? They only banned gummy bears in schools because they’re not Halal. At least, white sauce hasn’t been banned yet.

Wife
What’s the Dossier?
Stay At Home Comedian
A made up memo about Russia, forcing Americans to vote for Trump, with instilled pop up Drago clones in voting booths, insisting vote Trump or I’ll break you.

Wife
What’s the Russian Dossier?
Stay At Home Comedian
Euro-Trashy pulp fiction about prostitutes and kinky requests which form the basis for Killing Zoe.

Wife
What’s the Dossier?
Stay At Home Comedian
A made up memo about Smirnoff Vodka’s attack campaign against every east coast elitist who only drinks Grey Goose on the rocks for 17 dollars a pop at the W in downtown, Manhattan.

Wife
What’s the Dossier?
Stay At Home Comedian
A memo about Trump trying to push Trump Hotel expansion into midtown St. Petersburg because everyone in America confuses Melania for Russian anyway.

This is a loving homage for my sweeter, funnier, twin who turns 8 day, marking the birth of a family man/stay at home comedian for the most part so far. At least this year, we’ve got some books to bring home the Benjamain’s Omar.

https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/effortless-love-trumps-all-kpkn/

 

INT. Wine Shop-3 p.m
I buy a bottle of fine Kentucky bourbon to celebrate my daughter’s 8th birthday & getting published again on The Good Men Project.
Cashier
Would you like a bag?
Stay At Home Comedian
Not unless I want to come off as a high end hobo in broad daylight.

Today, my 1st born, Matilda Singing Rose Kornbluth celebrates her 8th birthday on old beautiful world. Today, also celebrates the birth of me becoming an American Dad family man, minus the pension & job stability.

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth