Willy Loman Lives

I’m interviewing for a franchise owner opportunity to sell neighborhood magazines that I’d sell ads for in addition to getting PTA moms to publish vanity articles about their wine tastings nights, because they know that Trader Joe’s sells more than just the cheap stuff. All this work is commission only and I’m told that I won’t be seeing any money in 4 months at least. So, as I’m contemplating getting the shot clot to put me out of my misery already, the Launch Manager says, “You’d be a part of a team that represents 520 area directors throughout the country. And I say, “So much for feeling singularly special.” Launch Director laughs long time. Then I add, “I’m too singularly special for this shit. Thanks, but no thanks.” Willy Loman lives, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Singularly Special

New Book Idea:

Elmer Gantry meets Little Miss Sunshine, meets Tony Robins doc on Netflix.

Children of the Korn is about 3 super-naturally funny yet singularly special kids who help scare kids into conquering their fears, so they don’t turn into hollowed out versions of their parents. Children Of The Korn tour the eastern seaboard in their dads new Winnebago after selling his cherished Stratocaster guitar and record collection while selling his Do It All Dad merchandise in the forms of books, comedy records, whiskey coasters and corn holders along the way to help make his Do It All Dad Year come true by conquering his fear of becoming another wannabe, highly reluctant, yuppie sell out without giving his standup comedy performing career one more shot for the road. It’s a promising start, Children of the Korn, Challah. Thank you very much.

Look, I lived in West Hollywood for 4 years, experimented with men, and Trans gals, you name it. Still, I’m getting tired of hearing my daughter use the term homophobia at camp. Apparently, one camp member confused ageism with homophobia. And I said, “Gay guys, and Trans girls have never been freer free balling on Casual Fridays Matilda. Do you really need to see my Tumblr feed, Bulging Toward Bethlehem? But that’s a good excuse to use for not scoring minimal copywriting job interviews to use on Me-Me, Matilda.

“Son, why can’t you get a junior copywriter job at 46 again? I say, “First, I’ve been too busy condemning evil Mom, 118 comedy records later, Singularly Special coming right up. Second, I’m being discriminated against for being an over the hill, all over the place, highly smutz prone, closet queen. Third, employers have a hard time labeling me mom. So, he’s married, has 3 kids, writes like a total fruitcake, but does objectifying trans material on his comedy record like Funny Enough Fagala. Even worse, he uses his children to deflect such aggressive hate hurled speech on bits like the time Do It All Dad explains to his daughter what Trans is. Do It All Dad says, “Trans is gay about dressing up in woman’s clothing. So, was Shakespeare trans because he dressed up like a girl in all his plays daddy? I don’t know. But I know Kevin Spacy bought the old Vic Theatre because he’s gay about lunging at Othello in tights.”

How did my virtual date go Alexa? It was short lived after Jefferey Toobin from the New Yorker got very defensive, when I started our coffee date with, “Hands up high where I can see them Toobin. Let’s engage in some empty filler talk 1st. Macchiato’s are circumcised Cappuccinos. Being Gen X though, 3 recessions later after 9/11 and post COVID damage done, I prefer straight up espresso, no chaser. Because my generation likes our coffee like our comedy, dark and bitter. For example, Nirvana didn’t kill Hair Metal, Aids did, before Magic made HIV disappear. Shout all you want Toobin. Mummering show me your tits cunt is why Starbucks are closing left and right Seattle and in Portlandia. I know, how is Chaz in charge of Seattle now? Now, every day in Seatle is burnout day, ANTIFA apartheid represent, Challah, singularly special. Thank you very much.

With or without you is about who again Bono? Some Irish Lassie, with fucked up chompers, who swallows but grazes from time to time?

Mick Jagger getting his panties in a bunch over Eric Clapton speaking out against the temporary paralysis he received from the clot shot is lame. Whatever happened to tumbling Dice, Size O? Mick Jagger has become a sell shill shit for Dr. Gnocchi like the rest and I don’t like it, like it.

Fuck anyone who claims Fergie singing the national anthem during the NBA All-Star game ruined her career, including my son, who threw his backpack at me to carry when I picked him up from camp. Only, for me to throw his backpack at him in front of hundreds of parents before yelling, “I’m not your butler bitch.” Singuarly special, Challah. Thank you very much.

Granted, the hushed, breathy, Mr. President vibe Fergie exuded during rendition of the National Anthem didn’t mesh with her beautifully dangerous on fire snatch that’s been known to spread for Mick Jaggar by merely referring to his love juice as start me up crank on par with high grade crystal meth used by the CIA to brainwash ANTIFA into thinking they’re a bunch of Punish vigilante freedom fighter gorillas in black hoodies from Target due to star in Oliver Stone’s New Film, the Day Democracy Died, but you get the gist.

Why did Obama Be Good win the Nobel Peace Prize again? Oh, so Kendrick Lamar’s win for the Pulitzer Prize felt legit, after Obama Be Good rebranded ISIS, ISIL, so they’d sound more start up friendly in the NY Times. The Showbiz Show with David Spade lives Challah, thank you very much.

But yeah, Obama Be Good, rebranded ISIS, ISIL, so they’d sound more startup friendly in the NY Times. That’s an Obama accomplishment for you besides birthing a woke daughter who goes on hunger strikes now over Thanksgiving.

Malia, you haven’t even touched your Tofurky. How you could let me intern Miramax, knowing what you know Dad? At the time, Miramax looked on your resume. Besides, Michelle was your chaperone on the set and that fat Jew couldn’t pin down Michelle if he tried. “

I don’t think Kristaps Porzingis, Latvian Unicorn bust on the Mavs who used to play for the Knicks tried to rape a woman in his apartment complex in NY, the day he tore his ACL. First, going strong to the hole was never KP’s forte. Plus, would Harvey Weinstein try to rape Gal Gadot, only one good leg? But least Harvey Weinstein’s wife of 15 years finally left Hair Clumps, to focus on her lifetime battle with, amnesia.

I don’t know anything manly outside of banging my 3 kids out by mistake because I never mastered the art of the pump fake. All Dad taught me was a half-formed hook shot. So, I ask my wife, “What is a Septic Tank exactly? Does it collect shitty writing fumes from Salon or what? Wife says,” The septic system filters out the poop” I say, “I think there’s a good shit joke in there after shitting on Salon.com prior. Such as, “I’d be afraid to take the plunge into homosexual plunger land these days, especially in New York City, because culturally observant, non-religious Jews are full of enough of shit already. Literally, one tip thrust in, and your hole wrecker causes a mudslide season’s worth of septic shit on your dick.” Singularly special shit schtick, Challah. Thank you very much.

My son insists mommy drop him off at camp today. He doesn’t fuss when Mama applies sunscreen, which normally drags longer than Megan Mccain’s getting comfortable for bed routine, as her husband has to dislodge a series of mouse traps from her belly rolls that perpetually hit the floor to suck up all the cubes of Vermont cheddar left for mouses since she started Fondu Fridays in bed during the height of COVID. Then, my son jump-hugs me from behind, as I’m hunched over by the recycling bin and says, “I’m kissing mama’s Tokus like you told me to.” Controlling our kids with comedy can make our kids great again, my reimagined Yiddish expression laced directives are living proof of it. At the same time, he should be kissing mama’s Tokus as a part of a full-fledged apology campaign after carving up her sticker print painted, flower design housing his endless super-size action figures. But that’s what happens when you show your kid Rambo at 4. To survive mama’s wrath, you become a tokus kissing machine. What was my son’s excuse for carving up his flower printed toy chest? He didn’t like the design on it. At least, my son isn’t revoking his white privilege and took to carving out polo horses just yet.

Most depressing Google search ever, “States least likely to get knocked up in.” 2nd most depressing Google search term, Rob Kardashian on your daughter’s I-Pad. I’m assuming she wanted to empathize better with daddy being the Trust Fund baby fuck up son on layaway in the form of 3 mini-miracles as collateral.

But I’m not complaining about my 3 mini miracles because unlike Daddy, they’ll never feel dumb. Talked down to by lesser brains, temperamental hicks and sketchy slimeball souls, sure. But thank God, they’ll never feel like complete morons who take their 1st sales job in LA without first asking how draw versus commission actually works. They’ll know better than to go barefoot in the showers at LA Fitness on Wilshire Blvd. And more importantly, they’ll never put themselves in a position to confuse snorting cocaine with crystal meth. Only later to hear, “Dude, that wasn’t cocaine, it was crystal meth. I thought you knew the difference. Only to reply with, “I didn’t know I was participating in the fucking Pepsi Challenge.” Can get a Challah for Mini-Miracles? They give singularly special a good name. Slippery When Wet lives, Challah. Thank you, Lord, very, very, very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Perfect Swishes

College National Player of the Year or not, Duke grad Danny Ferry being drafted before Shawn Kemp, Glen Rice and Tim Hardaway is some racist ass shit. He was balding in college for Christ’s sake like a senior accountant for Arthur Anderson after they became top auditor shredders for Enron. I also recall Danny Ferry’s vertical jump being whiter than White Man’s Disease. And his last name is fucking Ferry, so what else did you expect flat-footed twinkle toes to achieve in the high-flying NBA post Jordan rules? Plus, I bet Danny Ferry’s singing bonus with Cleavland was more than Scottie Pippen made that year. When Scottie was still being paid less than BJ Armstrong’s nanny. Before MJ was intent on choking out Steve Kerr’s white privilege, for daring to launch an open jumper without a permission note from Michael despite shooting a higher shooting percentage from way downtown than his highness. Even Michael wouldn’t take that bet.

But seriously, what cracker ass GM for the Cleavland Cavaliers thought it was a good look drafting Danny Ferry over Shawn Kemp? Granted, Shawn Kemp was out of high school, but his rippling raw athleticism and ultra-funk filled finishes high above the rim made Clyde Drexler pull out what remaining hair he had. Overnight, he went from Clyde the Glide to Faye Dunaway maudlin nuts in Bonnie and Clyde. Fine, the Cavs had Mark Price already, who looked Michael J Fox and Emilio Estevez had a cross pollinated baby, made in the high hopping hoping institute in Malibu, CA, so they didn’t need Tim Hardaway, who never won a ring in the NBA anyway, despite inspiring Allen Iverson to break more ankles than Meghan Mccain on a booze cruise after going on carb free diet. But you don’t draft Danny Ferry over Glen Rice. He won a national championship at Michigan and was their all-time scorer. Plus, his follow through was smoother than Warren Beatty during his casting couch session with Madonna on the set of Dick Tracy. “Hop on my dick Material Girl. And fuck your demands, I’m only paying you scale.” But Jalen Rose thought Christian Laettner was an overrated pretty boy. Well, some might accuse your boy Chris Webber of the same thing. How many national championships did you win stocking socks? What’s the difference between Jalen Rose and Stephen Jackson? Jalen Rose is smart enough to admit he isn’t educating himself on Hitler into his mid-forties after graduating Michigan University. Perfects Swishes, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Next Level Sketchy

Why do I feel scuzzy for watching the Malice in the Palace doc on Netflix?

Outside, of realizing that I started chasing laughs 18 years ago on the open mike floor of the Rainbow Room on the Sunset Strip no less and have nothing to show for it outside of a bomb Faconnable leather jacket after getting my TV writing break with Vh1 Classic 7 years ago on America’s Hard 100.

I feel like I debased myself by chucking my moral stance on insisting I tell all modern NBA to go woke itself by listening to my brother’s recommendation to watch it, when he says. “Yoh, bro, the NBA isn’t political, they don’t take the knee anymore.” I say, “They painted Thugs Lives Matter Most on NBA hardwood courts throughout the nation for 2 years straight asshole, after Lebron yelled at his teammates for standing up for the national anthem since the league exists as a safe space for his rapidly punctured ego. I know, guaranteed money in the NBA despite 20 personal days off becoming the new normal these days despite never having to develop a reliable hook shot with your left is so oppressive.”

The fight only happened because a fan chucked a cup of beer on Ron Artest. He was chilling in the scorer’s table in a reclining position. Ron looked like he could use a frosty beverage after his scuffle with Ben Wallace that was a result of his semi-rough foul with 2 minutes left in a game and a 12-point lead in their favor. Fucking Stephen Jackson, the voice of reason, Mr. Ride or Die, I was defending my brother Ron. From what, a noogie headlock in the stands from an out of work mechanic who worked as extra in Gung Ho? Instead of throwing on his thinking cap while educating himself on Hitler after his boy Farrakhan, sprayed Elie Wiesel’s Twitter feed with Termite Emoji from dawn till night.

So, Reggie Miller didn’t win a championship, boo-hoo. Neither did Patrick Ewing and the only other semi-reliable scoring options on that team was a highly streaky, unproven John Starks who wasn’t a high school phenom drafted to play in the pros like the faultless Jermaine Oneil was. Reggie says, “If Jermanine didn’t slip, he would’ve killed that guy he sucker-slide-punched.” Because Jermanie O’Neil was on the right side of justice. That dude who just came off the floor before being sucker slided punched didn’t throw any 1st punches at Jermaine O’Neil. And stop acting like being sprayed with foamy beer is worse than being pelted by batteries by Bleacher Creatures in the old Yankee Stadium, before the house that Gentrification built was built. Well, if Bob Costas called us thugs, they’re really out to get my money. What did Jermaine Oneil want Bob Costas to say instead? Bob Cousey wouldn’t let his daughter date Stephen Jackson if his 6 rings depended on it. Ron Artest let his anxiety about beer pong spillage turn him into a raving, wronged lunatic like the rap video ho that’s get sprayed down with Old E in the video Gin and Juice. Ron Artest attacking fans in attendance is a punk ass, next level sketchy move like Nas and his boys stomping on Little Nas at the Source Awards after party for failing to give him lip service after exploiting his canonized rap name for all it was worth.

So, David Stern, suspended Ron Artest for the season. It forced Ron to dig deep, change his name and win a championship with the Lakers, good. Queensbridge represent. And how dare the original gangster David Stern, who made the NBA what it is today, suspend Stephen Jackson and Jermaine Oneil for 25 games without pay. But Hockey players fight all the time Jermaine. Yeah, amongst themselves. Plus, they don’t manage to slip while punching and they’re on the fucking ice player. And a sucker punch is a low class, next level sketchy behavior, which you’re guilty of Jermaine. You can spin it all you want, but next level sketchy behavior becomes thuggish, when you throw the 1st punch at a fan who comes up to your knee when he’s not looking, when you could’ve killed him if you didn’t slip on Ben Wallace’s headband sweat in the process. If that it isn’t excessively violent, uncalled for, behavior, then I’m just a sheltered suburban white boy who only supports Janice kicking the shit of any soccer mom who encourages her Stepford Wive seed to trip up Bobby’s daughter in the presence of Janice Soprano.

And what documentary is only an hour? It’s my fault for giving the doc a serious, contemplative look as if the unseen camera angle footage was going to reveal who the 3rd gunman was who killed Kennedy. I only wish David Stern was the District Attorney of any Democrat run hellhole these days such as Philly, New York, LA, Seattle, Portland, San Fran, Chicago, that’s closing freaking Starbucks and 7/11’s left and right because they can’t protect their employees from more thuggish attacks because looting Slurpee money is poetic justice. Hurry up and buy that line of bullshit, honky ass motherfuckers. Forget the violent crime committed against Asians on Subways on Fulton Street in Manhattan because Jeremy Lin hogged the bike lane all to himself, which pissed off JR Smith royally back in the day to. I don’t care about the tattoos, or shitty rap music in proliferation today. I just care about normalizing and accepting thuggish behavior, which is uncalled for, encouraged, enabled violence by so called activists that the media today gives a pass to, especially after the past summer of love 2 billion dollars’ worth of damage later, countless lives lost, over bullshit narratives such as Hands Up Don’t Shoot, and Thugs Lives matter most. Without consequence, laws, and rules, thuggish behavior is not only encouraged and accepted but proliferated to the point of complete anarchy, which is why gun violence especially among inner city youth and innocence bystanders is more out of control than Jill Biden’s hair on any given day. Shit, I’d look 24/7 disheveled, frazzled if was on 24/7 pill wet nurse detail for President Poppy Pants.

But Lebron, King of the Persecution complex says, “Boston is the most racist city.” Doesn’t Boston have the most affirmative action programs in place of higher education? Doesn’t Boston have a host successful charter schools in place? Hasn’t Boston completely decriminalized weed? Doesn’t Boston have Pronvincetown nearby, which has been a money in the bank, gay haven for all colors, sizes and shapes of dick since the dawn of time? Who never dared charge James Baldwin for the crime of boring everybody to sleep despite all the poppers in the universe jammed up your rectum to keep you up for more punch free, pontificating prose otherwise? Isn’t Big Papi, being a Dominican Republic legend, revered in Boston? Which makes him black enough to brush up against Joe Biden’s leg hair back in the day in Mr. Groper’s yes. Manny Rameriz, Pedro Martinez all loved playing in such a racist city Lebron. Shit, even Johnny Damon looks borderline Asian. Robert Parish was blacker than Dee Brown’s 45-inch vertical jump. If a black dude played for the Boston Bruins and broke Cam Neely’s single season, Hat Trick record, I’m sure the locals wouldn’t be running him out of town with pitchforks in hand. Nick Dipaolo, standup up great, is always referencing his black comedian friends, total racist I know, for making fun of Seinfeld for being clueless about Cosby being a druggy planting rapist for 4 decades straight. Where were your powers of observation then Jerry? Next level sketchy, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Next Level Sketchy

Why do I feel scuzzy for watching the Malice in the Palace doc on Netflix?

Outside, of realizing that I started chasing laughs 18 years ago on the open mike floor of the Rainbow Room on the Sunset Strip no less and have nothing to show for it outside of a bomb Faconnable leather jacket after getting my TV writing break with Vh1 Classic 7 years ago on America’s Hard 100.

I feel like I debased myself by chucking my moral stance on insisting I tell all modern NBA to go woke itself by listening to my brother’s recommendation to watch it, when he says. “Yoh, bro, the NBA isn’t political, they don’t take the knee anymore.” I say, “They painted Thugs Lives Matter Most on NBA hardwood courts throughout the nation for 2 years straight asshole, after Lebron yelled at his teammates for standing up for the national anthem since the league exists as a safe space for his rapidly punctured ego. I know, guaranteed money in the NBA despite 20 personal days off becoming the new normal these days despite never having to develop a reliable hook shot with your left is so oppressive.”

The fight only happened because a fan chucked a cup of beer on Ron Artest. He was chilling in the scorer’s table in a reclining position. Ron looked like he could use a frosty beverage after his scuffle with Ben Wallace that was a result of his semi-rough foul with 2 minutes left in a game and a 12-point lead in their favor. Fucking Stephen Jackson, the voice of reason, Mr. Ride or Die, I was defending my brother Ron. From what, a noogie headlock in the stands from an out of work mechanic who worked as extra in Gung Ho? Instead of throwing on his thinking cap while educating himself on Hitler after his boy Farrakhan, sprayed Elie Wiesel’s Twitter feed with Termite Emoji from dawn till night.

So, Reggie Miller didn’t win a championship, boo-hoo. Neither did Patrick Ewing and the only other semi-reliable scoring options on that team was a highly streaky, unproven John Starks who wasn’t a high school phenom drafted to play in the pros like the faultless Jermaine Oneil was. Reggie says, “If Jermanine didn’t slip, he would’ve killed that guy he sucker-slide-punched.” Because Jermanie O’Neil was on the right side of justice. That dude who just came off the floor before being sucker slided punched didn’t throw any 1st punches at Jermaine O’Neil. And stop acting like being sprayed with foamy beer is worse than being pelted by batteries by Bleacher Creatures in the old Yankee Stadium, before the house that Gentrification built was built. Well, if Bob Costas called us thugs, they’re really out to get my money. What did Jermaine Oneil want Bob Costas to say instead? Bob Cousey wouldn’t let his daughter date Stephen Jackson if his 6 rings depended on it. Ron Artest let his anxiety about beer pong spillage turn him into a raving, wronged lunatic like the rap video ho that’s get sprayed down with Old E in the video Gin and Juice. Ron Artest attacking fans in attendance is a punk ass, next level sketchy move like Nas and his boys stomping on Little Nas at the Source Awards after party for failing to give him lip service after exploiting his canonized rap name for all it was worth.

So, David Stern, suspended Ron Artest for the season. It forced Ron to dig deep, change his name and win a championship with the Lakers, good. Queensbridge represent. And how dare the original gangster David Stern, who made the NBA what it is today, suspend Stephen Jackson and Jermaine Oneil for 25 games without pay. But Hockey players fight all the time Jermaine. Yeah, amongst themselves. Plus, they don’t manage to slip while punching and they’re on the fucking ice player. And a sucker punch is a low class, next level sketchy behavior, which you’re guilty of Jermaine. You can spin it all you want, but next level sketchy behavior becomes thuggish, when you throw the 1st punch at a fan who comes up to your knee when he’s not looking, when you could’ve killed him if you didn’t slip on Ben Wallace’s headband sweat in the process. If that it isn’t excessively violent, uncalled for, behavior, then I’m just a sheltered suburban white boy who only supports Janice kicking the shit of any soccer mom who encourages her Stepford Wive seed to trip up Bobby’s daughter in the presence of Janice Soprano.

And what documentary is only an hour? It’s my fault for giving the doc a serious, contemplative look as if the unseen camera angle footage was going to reveal who the 3rd gunman was who killed Kennedy. I only wish David Stern was the District Attorney of any Democrat run hellhole these days such as Philly, New York, LA, Seattle, Portland, San Fran, Chicago, that’s closing freaking Starbucks and 7/11’s left and right because they can’t protect their employees from more thuggish attacks because looting Slurpee money is poetic justice. Hurry up and buy that line of bullshit, honky ass motherfuckers. Forget the violent crime committed against Asians on Subways on Fulton Street in Manhattan because Jeremy Lin hogged the bike lane all to himself, which pissed off JR Smith royally back in the day to. I don’t care about the tattoos, or shitty rap music in proliferation today. I just care about normalizing and accepting thuggish behavior, which is uncalled for, encouraged, enabled violence by so called activists that the media today gives a pass to, especially after the past summer of love 2 billion dollars’ worth of damage later, countless lives lost, over bullshit narratives such as Hands Up Don’t Shoot, and Thugs Lives matter most. Without consequence, laws, and rules, thuggish behavior is not only encouraged and accepted but proliferated to the point of complete anarchy, which is why gun violence especially among inner city youth and innocence bystanders is more out of control than Jill Biden’s hair on any given day. Shit, I’d look 24/7 disheveled, frazzled if was on 24/7 pill wet nurse detail for President Poppy Pants.

But Lebron, King of the Persecution complex says, “Boston is the most racist city.” Doesn’t Boston have the most affirmative action programs in place of higher education? Doesn’t Boston have a host successful charter schools in place? Hasn’t Boston completely decriminalized weed? Doesn’t Boston have Pronvincetown nearby, which has been a money in the bank, gay haven for all colors, sizes and shapes of dick since the dawn of time? Who never dared charge James Baldwin for the crime of boring everybody to sleep despite all the poppers in the universe jammed up your rectum to keep you up for more punch free, pontificating prose otherwise? Isn’t Big Papi, being a Dominican Republic legend, revered in Boston? Which makes him black enough to brush up against Joe Biden’s leg hair back in the day in Mr. Groper’s yes. Manny Rameriz, Pedro Martinez all loved playing in such a racist city Lebron. Shit, even Johnny Damon looks borderline Asian. Robert Parish was blacker than Dee Brown’s 45-inch vertical jump. If a black dude played for the Boston Bruins and broke Cam Neely’s single season, Hat Trick record, I’m sure the locals wouldn’t be running him out of town with pitchforks in hand. Nick Dipaolo, standup up great, is always referencing his black comedian friends, total racist I know, for making fun of Seinfeld for being clueless about Cosby being a druggy planting rapist for 4 decades straight. Where were your powers of observation then Jerry? Next level sketchy, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth