I love my new Trump voiced GPS system. Turn left for Mohegan Sun, Elizabeth Warren’s home away from home.
If Ronan Farrow is Frank Sinatra’s son, then why hasn’t he hired a hit man to knock Woody Allen on his ass yet?
Why am I gay about my abnormality? Because it’s fun to freak out grown men at Pizzeria’s in NY. Pizza guy says to my son, “Got ants in your pants?” I say, “How do you know my son isn’t a second guessing gerbalist?”
I hate the boy name Hudson. It sounds more hipster hued pretentious than Brooklyn Salted Chocolate. At 5, Hudson tells his dad, “Can I change my name to Andy Cohen? Because I identify with yenta breaths on the Upper East Side.”
Talking to my new cat like a booty call. Stop scratching. I don’t have to let you sleep here. Also, are you really in a rush to scurry away from so much scrumptiousness? If you’re Fergie, scratch away, but you’re not puss.
Mark Zuckerberg, declaring war against Warren. Facebook is too big? Cry me a river Warren. You think Twitter is going to swing votes in your favor? Trump pays the highest per click rate for Indian casinos to appear every time somebody googles Warren.
Stop calling nationalist a loaded word. The N bomb is a loaded word. ANTIFA lives matter, is an oxymoron.
An actor in the new Star Wars says, “Limited job offers for Muslim actors increases the odds in them becoming terrorists.” But you’re in SAG. Can’t you still make a living doing well paid extra work for Obama produced social justice docs on Netflix?
4.5 IPA’s make me feel more indecisive than Jared Kushner at the Sizzler salad bar. Even worse, a 4.5 IPA tastes like circumcised happiness because I’m shortchanging my desire for a mouthful of boozy hops.
Trump is obsessed with Hillary because he’s an illegitimate president? I thought Hillary lost because she’s an unhuggable cunt.
Hunter Biden being interviewed by ABC. Where have you been Hunter? Doing more bumps? Only hearing last call from the bathroom stall?
Pitchfork named Alright by Kendrick Lamar, song of the decade because Obama got the Nobel for relegating ISIS to ISIL. So they’d sound more start up friendly in Wired magazine.
Moms should remember to put money under the pillow for the Tooth Fairy right? Daughter says, “Daddy, the Tooth Fairy didn’t put money under my pillow? What can I say to appease her? The Rock slept in for a change. Mama’s parenting skills are overrated.
These days Robert Dinero looks like Betsy Ross, falling apart at the seams.
Georgetown apologized for slavery. Apologize for not forcing AI to retake Mo Money Management 101, from Do Rags To Riches.
My 2 year old son, Chosen Curls was bound to woo. A Grandma stops him at Target, proclaiming, “You’re going to have 3 girlfriends to juggle when you get older. I reply, “If James Woods had this face, your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.”
Why isn’t Terry Bradshaw not even in the conversation about best quarterbacks ever? Bradshaw never lost a Super Bowl like Montana. 2nd, Bradshaw won by airing it out. Fine, that much he shares in common with Brady. I’ll give you that much.
In the Netflix suicide doc, 13 Reasons Why, do rebel space ship crashes into Imperial Star Destroyers even get honorable mention?
If Hillary Hammer Time Cankles runs for President again, what would her campaign slogan be?
I Eat Fake News Indians for Breakfast
Chelsea Isn’t Ugly Anymore
Deplorable Boomer Mom Knows Best
Resistor parents don’t care about the rule of law. All they care about is getting Trump out of office, so they can return to their smug secure, superior selves because baby boomer arrogance never dies.
It’s an empowered feeling to get blocked my Rosanne on Twitter knowing she got mad with jealousy at my superior jokes about Valerie Jarrett, Obama’s Arabian horse whisperer. Because it sucks for Rosanne knowing she’s got the coffee plantation in Hawaii, not me.
What’s the best way to show gratitude after your mother in law gets you Champion black socks again from the bargain bin for Christmas? Tell her, “Great, now I can postpone laundry for another week.”
Who told Samuel L Jackson it was cool to dress like Spike Lee’s grandmother? Who identifies as a jazz critic descendant of Sonny Rollins in Tyler Perry’s new film, The Uppity Cunt.
Perfect Wedding Anniversary message in this age of Trump Bad, Me Good. We both agree, you’re amazing and that’s the most important thing that matters.