Fake News Happy For Me

Fake news is an expression now. Actually, it’s a fact based, truth enshrouded reality.

Ban ICE. Because caring about Homeland Security was so weapons of mass destruction years.

Friendly reminder, Baby Face Omar described 911 as “something happened.” Like it was a forgettable Edward Albee play off Broadway.

I hear they’re doing a remake of Three’s Company based on the bomb squad Freshman congressman called, Allah’s Avenging Angels. Because they’re are all virgins I’m assuming, except for AOC cranked up on high grade coke in college.

I’m happy for you means I’m all out of manufactured pleasantness in your honor.

I’m happy for you means your dad’s shoulders collapse in shame when you hug your dad for a reason.

I’m happy for you means you lucky, unworthy, spoiled piece of shit.

I’m happy for you means mom and dad are making your younger brother feel like the unintended, unwanted defect again.

I’m happy for you means your dad is fake news Bob Dylan deep.

I’m happy for you means you’re an idiot for thinking our relationship is a shining example of love supreme.

I’m happy for you means you fail the friendship litmus test.

I’m happy for you means they don’t think you deserve anything that’s jealous inducing for them.

I’m happy for you means not really.

I’m happy for you means your mom is rudderless without Snoopy giving you less generic lip service.

David Crosby, you know Garfield in the yard, having to follow Neil Young used to be so hard. Thinks Trump has no restraint. But Trump’s never drank, smoke or did coke when it was free liver spots. Baby Boomer arrogance never dies because of you.

What does USA captain Megan Rapino tell a lesbian Trump supporter at the Cubby Hole bar in the West Village?

I wouldn’t lick Ivanka clean with toilet water from detention camps if Michelle Obama was guaranteed victory in 2020.

Trump stokes white nationalism.
Was the Klan under their sheets depressed for 8 years when Obama was president? Do Popes normalize pedophilia decade after decade? Still, make Nazi Germany great again wasn’t his campaign slogan Judd Apatow.

All the media has done for 3 years is divide. How is this division problem Trump’s fault exactly? Did he write a golden shower fantasy tale to give Obama loyalists the right to spy on his campaign for opposition, German porn research?

Hillary on Megan Rapinoe as Secretary of State.

What difference does it make? I’m getting booed at Billy Joel shows at the Garden. At least backstage Stevie Nicks flirts with me and says “Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies.”

It’s hard to feel like a distinguished self-published author on Amazon knowing that Jeff Bezos profits from books such as The Jew as World Parasite. But I’m sure you’re new main squeeze loves you for your unbiased dirt rag Jeff.

Trump haters love to anoint themselves as the more respectful party yet they’re the ones who’ve ruined the old world charm of the NBA, NFL, Hollywood, rock & roll and all forms of gatherings with friends and family for 3 years straight.

Do I think everyone should be created equal? No, I don’t, especially anyone who thinks ANTIFA is on the side of right. Because you want white boys on crystal meth cracking Trump supporters heads on your behalf, you dumb ass crackers.

My parents are fake news hippies because they’ve lived in Arizona for 8 years as self-satisfied, smug east coast retirees, Bob Dylan evangelists and not once been to the Grand Canyon. Drinking warm chard before it cools is strike 2 against you mom, no offense. Instructing the DJ to stop playing the Star Spangled Banner by Jimi Hendrix at my wedding to close out the night during my wedding party in a beautiful sculpture garden outside of Woodstock is strike three against you Dad.

INT. Car
Wife
When you were in Vegas I got the kids in bed early every night.
Do It All Dad
But your parents were here for 2 out of those 3 nights. And your mom’s boring by English banker on holiday standards.

INT.KOHLS
Worker
At weddings you’re supposed to sit on the side of immediate family.
Do It All Dad
So my mom and dad seating themselves on the bride’s side means they only care about family separation for illegal aliens.

Michael Kornbluth

The Racist Word

USA Team captain, Megan Rapinoe could run for office?

What would her campaign slogan be?
Bring back the L word to Netflix Obama. You’re are only hope.
Drag Queen library reading hour can make Bette Midler great again. Before she based her world view on Unibrow Maddow.
Free sashimi lunches for Olympic hopeful muff divers.
Make Sarah Silverman funny again.
Pussy riot safe spaces when Ivanka becomes the 1st female Jewess president in 2024.

 

At the supermarket I get 2 tall boys of Throwback Pinner IPA’s because they were 2 for 5 among other reasons. Checking out I say to the grocery clerk. You don’t know what a pinner means because you were born with a vape pen in your mouth.

Deblasio’s wife was a lesbian before they got married. But were supposed to believe Garlic Breath converted her? He eats pizza with a fork and knife. But burying his beak into her slippery snatch is a plausible theory to digest.

Bill and Hillary Hammer Time Cankles got booed at Billy Joel during his MSG show. Because in his eighties prime Billy Joel’s biggest hits were considered lullaby music for Republicans by our Jack Black nation.

The birthrate in NY is at an all time low. Lena Dunham’s frumpy, quadruple rollage look getting a ridiculous amount of encouraged love on Instagram isn’t helping. Also, foodie hipsters are porked out already from meat sweats.

The birthrate in NY is also at an all time low because you never hear any Taylor Swift songs about guys who pass out mid thrust inside her Tootsie Pop treat because Millennial Mouseketeers don’t drink.

If Michael Jackson were alive today, what would his defense be? Beatles royalty points can’t buy me love.

My 1st parenting stance was only exposing my daughter to Woody Allen films which came out pre-Soon Yi. And only playing Michael Jackson songs from the Jackson 5, so my pedo star ban stance is more black and white.

I wonder if Dave Chappelle feels like a less sanctimonious twat for jerking off the genius of #RKelly in his Netflix special. While also using the Emmitt Till story to fabricate more fake news bullshit racist charges against Obama’s better half.

If President Trump doesn’t grant political asylum to Tommy Robinson, I don’t see him doing to dick to prevent big tech from silencing voices highlighting what the rape enablement party has become, sorry.

Bonding with the locals at Harvest Moon Cider bar.
Here’s some primo weed. I like to prove not all Jews are greedy, demonic scumbags like Bernie Madoff. Oh, I dropped a quarter. I’m not going to slip my vertebrae for it, thanks.

Oh, so you’re a comedian, that makes sense. For a moment, I thought you were just on really good coke. And was a greedy heeb for not once offering me any, my bad.

Met a hippie musician who used to bang a girl who danced in a cage for Kid Rock shows. She was so enrapturing she almost ripped his life shooter out of it’s socket. She dumped him. Moral of the story is Kid Rock cage dancers can break your heart.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL
Do It All Dad
Volley Ball trophies, division 1, not bad.
You know Samuel, Daddy lived in Hermosa Beach for a bit. Sand scattered hard body navels abounded.

Janitor passes by and laughs long time.

Pelosi isn’t a racist because she claims her grandson sees only pinata colors in the heart of the barrio holmes.

Russian bots pushed fake news fro Kaepernick to take a knee. I thought Michelle Obama pushed him down in that direction, with her never been proud to be an American bullshit until her husband let ISIS run wild and usher in 2.9 GDP growth.

Michael Kornbluth

American Pie Beauties

I’ve got 3 kids. I’ve aged well I know, since my TV debut on the reality TV show Blind Date. All I got out of the show a was free meal and herpes.

INT. BARNES AND NOBLE
Do It All Dad
They made the Mueller Report into a book? Like Chinese Democracy by Axl Rose, he took forever to write it. Plus, both releases ended in blue balls for Rob Reiner.

Me summarizing the Declaration of Independence for my kids.

It was America’s more stately way of telling Mother England to choke on a scone. Insisting Thomas Jefferson wasn’t staying loyal to the Queen or into mole infested fever. Moving forward, America would only pledge Greek fraternities on US college campuses for easier access to high grade American Pie.

Michelle Obama is doing films for Netflix now? What’s her 1st project, a Tina Turner film remake about herself retitled, What’s Talent Got To Do With It?

If a Baby Boomer lifts a finger, it’s liking a pic of their grandchildren on Facebook. Or my mother in law using Emoji’s to overcompensate for her colorless personality on top of being a retarded emotional expressionist.

INT. HOME
Wife
I’m just exhausted.
Do It All Dad
I thought you were just depressed at how much fun the 3 kids and I had today without you. Funnier dad happier babies. Our fuss free kids for the most part are living proof of it.

Michael Kornbluth

Busting British Balls

The U.S is just OK New York Times?

Actually, it’s horrific knowing scumbag propagandist dirt rags like the NY Times receive a Pulitzer for reporting on Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein 2 decades after the fact. You’re less than shit, not America baby, USA, USA.

Kal Penn’s Sunnyside may be NBC’s best hope for the fall in 2019. Will Delbasio make affordable housing in Sunnyside available for ANTIFA? Does he provide immunity from aggravated assault by issuing a stand down, restraining order against the NYPD?

Facebook is reconsidering nudity. I thought James L Brooks was in desperate need of attention.

What did woman attending Gwyenth Paltrow’s wellness summit, think they’d get out of it? Vaginal health tips, such as refraining from bare backing with Ben Affleck, free samples of Guava Goop Mist for funky snatches in need of a rejuvenated expungement. What’s the advertising slogan for Guava Goop Mist? Your air of superiority awaits you.

My new move now whenever I score a laugh from my children in front of my stuck up English mother in law, is to impersonate me drinking imaginary tea. My father in law wore a Man City shirt to our house for the 4th last year, so he can fuck his hurt feelings to.

Memo to Piers Morgan:
Alex Morgan’s celebration was distasteful?
Did she act out tea bagging an albino stiff? Who made Larry King come off as a mesmerizing pair of suspenders with good posture for a change.

 

Google doesn’t manipulate search results? I google my name and a lawyer humorist receives top billing over me. I’ve written 2 books, for TV twice, done 220 blogs 114 podcasts, 17 articles on GMP. 5000 plus contacts on LinkedIN. But he’s more popular. Got it.

I named my son Arthur Morrison Kornbluth just so my dad can say. Morrison isn’t Jewish. Yeah, but it creates a flow to Kornbluth. Plus, Brooks as a middle name would’ve given my son the permission to be a Jewish pussy.

INT. HOME
Wife shows me a hiking pic.
Wife
Told you my new work hippie nurse friend was hot.
Do It All Dad
Her arms are jacked from either hiking or giving plenty hand jobs to her husband to take the edge off bad coke. Pretty sure, Hunter’s expenditures on hookers and strippers proves he can afford the good stuff.

Michael Kornbluth

Lena Dunham Country

Colin Kaepernick talked Nike out of releasing their Betsy Ross flag sneakers because the flag for him is connected to slavery despite him getting a million dollar sneaker endorsement deal for never having to lace up his Nike cleats on the gridiron ever again. Not that any NFL team owner was ever trying to force a meeting with Kaepernick in the first place. Nor do I recall any NFL owner ever insisting Kaepernick work for free as an intern for CNN as Linda Sarsour’s go to fluffer.

Another reason Obama ruined everything. We can’t celebrate Independence Day weekend to the fullest, knowing Nike bowed to Colin Kaepernick’s demand to pull their Betsy Ross themed shoe because they confused him for Obama with talent many ions ago.

How did Colin Kapernick amass enough leverage within the Nike corporation to cock block their new line of Betsy Ross sneakers? Is he on the board of directors now, a co-producer on anything Obama does for Netflix, threaten to out MJ as a Republican?

At what point does the CEO Nike decide? Fuck the Betsy Ross flag sneaker. Kaepernick connects the flag with slavery. And he’s

Generation Z’s answer to Cornell West. He’s only half black, so he has a bigger race card part to play.

What’s the new Nike campaign these days? Pledge your allegiance to ANTIFA. Just do what Soros wants. Knee Uncle Sam in the nuts, again and again.

Collin Kaepernick talked Nike out of releasing their Betsy Ross flag sneakers. Because bi-racial adopted NFL busts connect the flag with slavery despite being paid the biggest, unemployment check in NFL history.

This is James Dolan blaming AOC on scaring away Durant from Manhattan. She scared Amazon from Queens. Also, can we start blaming New York City’s loser, repellent culture on De Blasio instead of me for a change? I don’t incite race wars against cops. Charles Oakley doesn’t count.

Why did Durant choose to play in Lena Dunham country over Midtown East? Because Herald Square by the Garden is considered cheesy, old and decrepit like op-ed writers for the NY Times. Plus, it offers the cheapest, least sexy office spaces available for IT staffing agencies on a shoe string budget.

Memo to Stephen A. Now you pine for KP? Only when pipe cleaner arm bolted for Brooklyn to become the NBA’s voice for the millennial mouseketeer generation. Has Jay Z paid crack baby reparations yet? Lena Dunham country is so coy, hot right now.

Durant chose Lena Dunham country over the Madison Square Garden because Ed Burn’s cameo in Entourage didn’t inspire him the way Uni pulling the trigger from way downtown like a Japanese Anime cartoon come to life did.

Michael Kornbluth

Carter & The Dali Lama Enter A Bar

Trump is an illegitimate president Carter? Did Drago appear in 64 million voting booths, demanding, “Vote Trump or I’ll break you?” Stick to sanding your Farsi Alphabet blocks for your grandchildren.

Why should I give a shit about Jimmy Carter’s opinion again? The Islamic Revolution happened on your watch just like Hillary creating ISIS. North Korea used to conduct nuclear stress tests because of you.

Dali Lama insists Trump lacks “moral principle.” Pope says wall will make America a “prisoner of isolation.”
No advice for Obama’s social justice docs on Netflix? Or are they just jealous of Trump’s bigger following on Twitter?

Dali Lama on BBC.

My female successor would have to be attractive like Sharon Stone with no makeup on.

BBC Journalist replies.

But Sharon Stone is the white devil.

It looks like you’re in a real Kun-nun-drum, your holiness.

Dali Lama with Richard Gere.

Stick with prayer beads if you must.

But try showing some backbone next time and resist the temptation of animal anal stuffage for moral principle’s sake.

William Barr’s investigation has to be wrapping up. If Jimmy Carter and the Dali Lama are throwing in their horseshit sense before shit really hits the fan. Has Charlie Rose chimed in yet lately? No, I don’t date MILFS. Do you want a dic pic or not Rachel?

INT. PARK
Cop
You shouldn’t let your kids play unattended.
Do It All Dad
Like I could catch up with Speedy, you know who, if I tried. Or count on a sanctuary state like New York to release Speedy into his home country the following day, next day delivery.

INT. PARK
Cop
You shouldn’t let your kids play unattended.
Do It All Dad
Stop acting like I left my kids unsupervised at a pool party at John Podesta’s house. With enough pedo art installations to make Marilyn Manson blush.

INT. PARK
Cop
You shouldn’t let your kids play unattended.
Do It All Dad
Why is North Salem, home of the X Man mansion a no go zone now? Don’t you follow Q officer?
Cop
Whose Q?
Do It All Dad
The storm is coming alright.

Memo to Palmer Report:
Your deep state heroes are going to prison for sedition.
The Dalai Lama was reincarnated as a paid talking puppet for George Soros and company.
Ivanka wins by a landslide in 2024.
Your sanctuary city party is screwed.

Michael Kornbluth

My Millennial Mouseketeer Generation

INT. PIZZERIA
Do It All Dad
Do you think Durant will go down as the most tragic victim of cyberbullying of all time? Playing for Brooklyn, in Lena Dunham country would be such a KD move. He thinks he’s the voice for the Millennial Mouseketeer generation.
Pizza Manager laughs long time.

Since when should I give a shit about what Andre Iguodala says about anything? He was a sixth man on the most loaded guard team of all time, who came up big. So did Robert Horry, but I’m not clamoring for his book on his blah brained personality either.

If Michael Jackson were alive, what would his defense be? All the Beatles royalties points in the world, can’t buy me love.

“Fake News” and “Hate Speech” is how Trump won Google? I thought it was because more than half of America really hated Hillary Hammer Time Cankles. Happy doodling.

Leaked Google docs label Jordan Peterson a Nazi. I just thought he was anal about using the most exacting language possible to describe group think enslaved Twitter Twats addicted to latching on to fake news moralist grandstanding.

Google Exec defending herself on Medium for stating Google nation’s hurt feelings for Huma Licker Breath losing. We can’t let this happen again. We’ve got Chinese overlords on our Board of Directors to answer to. I think Marco Rubio is hot.

Dice and Roseanne are launching a Mr. and Mrs. America Comedy Tour. This is Dice.

Ivanka wanted Motely Crue to play at her dad’s inauguration because of Tommy Lee’s snake in his pants. Jared pleas. My Hebrew Hammer can’t compete Dad.

Trump has ties to Russia, duh. Most mail order bride owners do. Oh, would I love to give Melania a bang, Michelle Obama naked, meat bag boner gone.

Why do Trump and Melania sleep in separate beds? Does Donald need put his meat bag on ice from breaking off his joy stick in Melania’s muff mitt or what?

For the record, Valerie Jarret does live with Obama. She did author the nuke gifting Iran deal. So double down Roseanne and insist that horse faced wench Valerie Jarret is Obama’s Arabian Horse Whisperer on Fox News. I’d bang you again without the lights on.

Roseanne, how did you get so bangable all of a sudden? Is it your tan jugs, the blond highlights or the thought of you turning Tom Arnold into a fat, resistor, lesbian?

They still show Cosby show ads on TV land after commercials for Ambien in heavy rotation. But Roseanne’s show got canceled for a tweet, that makes sense.

The woman’s march on Washington. All I saw was a whole lot of Rosie’s sporting a whole lot of chin’s. I also thought. Talk about spreading your pussy hat supply thin.

Did you see the eye patch on Madonna? Did Jose Canseco drop a hot load in her eye for old times sake?

How blown up does Madonna’s snatch look by now? I bet it looks like it camel toed on to a landmine in the occupied territory. Oh, I can’t take no more.

INT. HOME
Plumber
My wife still likes Hillary also. Maybe, your book can convince her otherwise.
Do It All Dad
It can make your sex life above average again.

Am I the only person who doesn’t give a shit about sanctioning the Foreign Minister of Iran? Iran has less good will in the bank than Suge Knight. I want Kerry thrown in cuffs while wind surfing in the Cape this summer for sedition now.

Memo to Nicholas Kristof: Obama solved the nuclear crisis by nuke gifting Iran 150 billion, and putting the kibosh on Hezbollah money laundering, drug sting ring, because he didn’t want to disrupt his precious deal at the last sec? Got it, Mullah lover you.

Obama was seen on a boat in Italy with George Clooney. It wasn’t a banana boat float like the one Melo was on with Chris Paul & Lebron. Still, how does Obama not feel like second banana in this instance? At least Clooney did something of merit to win a prize.

Andy Richter, you know the unfunny, fat toad designed to make Conan come off as magnanimous? Yeah, so that hack accuses all evangelicals as “full of shit” for supporting Trump. Thank God you have a career in show biz at all, you dumpy, drollish, zero stage presence, parasite. Your boss wrote for the Simpsons with twenty-five other writers. We got it.

Isn’t there an unwritten man code that says barber shall not touch your fucking eyebrows in the midst of a beard trim unless specified? Even if I’m a unibrow Siamese twin who could use some personalized hubba, hubba, winkle for my own flirtation game.

Do It All Dad putting his foot down.
I can’t handle Colby asking you to write something in his yearbook. You belong to me and your two brothers for the indefinite future. I’m happy for you.
Younger brother blurts. I’m not happy for you.

When your wife voices concerns, about rat infestations and drowning of your kids because of your own doing. You don’t regret voicing concerns of your wife boring your kids to death in your debt book without your steadying presence around as much.

Michael Kornbluth

Hillary Knows Cybersecurity

Picking Hillary Clinton as the keynote speaker for a Cybersecurity Summit is like Shawn Kemp teaching a seminar on pulling out in a parody of Tom Cruise from Magnolia by the Duplass Brothers.
But seriously, why is Hillary Clinton getting paid to give a speech at the Cybersecurity Summit via Skye next door to her comprised, yet quaint server farm in her Chappaqua home? Was the CEO of Sony too consumed with assuring Kevin Hart they wouldn’t shortchange him and pay him to plug his movies to his Twitter followers.

Hillary Clinton speaking at a Cybersecurity summit is like R Kelly getting paid to babysit the latest Kardashian out of the womb.

Will Hillary be giving a seminar on how to throw off FBI investigators looking into emailing Top Secret intel to dummy non-work email addresses like yourmamaobama@gmail.com?

Hilary giving a speech on Cybersecurity is like hiring Kevin Durant as the keynote speaker on how drain out the noise of Cyberbullying.

Who decides to pay Hillary Clinton to give a speech on Cybersecurity exactly? Did the CEO of Norton Anti-Virus feel he owed her for failing to block out Anthony Weiner’s personal dick pick posing stash from the feds?

What was the Cybersecurity roundtable thinking, allowing Hillary Hammer Time Cankles to be a featured speaker their summit? Only Charlie Sheen whiffed more at the AVN Adult Entertainment expo.
Paying good money to hear Queen Hillary give you a dissertation on password protection is like peeing money away on a golden shower based Russian dossier with less legs than Lieutenant Dan.

How is Hillary a respected authority on Cybersecurity again? I thought only Lorne Michaels gave paid host spots to Seth Myers in the form of participation trophies for coming across as a forgettable, humorless, blood draining boring stiff on SNL.

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

Jokes Not Getting Me On Kimmel

Married couples are divorcing in droves over Trump. I wouldn’t mind making my sex life above average again. Put it in Indiana MILF, I’m ready to play, play.

Mention his name again and you’re sleeping outside. Then, six more years of purgatory starts right now.
Queens is so hot, no it’s not. Queens, compared to Manhattan and Brooklyn is the sloppy third Kardashian sister. You know the extra greasy one, that’s easy to pound at three in the morning like a Lamb Gyro in Astoria.

My prayer for Montreal. When President Trump became president, I prayed for them to build a wall around the strip clubs in Montreal, so Lena Dunham wouldn’t scare away all the clientele.

My News Years Eve wish this past year. Ball drops. I say, “How about you go down on me now? Wife says. “But I blew you this last week.” I reply. “Just pretend Obama ordered you to leak it.”

Trump has ties to Russia. Duh, most mail order bride owners do.
Has the Rocky Statue been taken down yet? Because it promotes white supremacy. Knowing Rocky whips Clubber Lang’s ass in Rocky 3?
Michelle Obama isn’t running for President for 2020. What would be her campaign slogan anyway, Obama’s 5 O Clock shadow part two?
This is an impersonation of my new Trump voiced GPS system. Exit left for Mohegan Sun, Elizbeth Warren’s home away from home.
If you want to talk about accomplishments, Obama did rebrand ISIS to ISIL, so they’d sound more startup friendly in the NY Times.
It took Hillary six times to get her Metro Subway card to work. By the sixth swipe, Hillary blurts under her breath, “Super predators, I mean black people are watching, you can do it.”
Can’t believe my mom asked me if my six year old daughter at the time, watched the Woman’s March on Washington. I reply, “Yeah mom in a burka, to see she’s got nothing to bitch about. Also, mom my daughter is learning how to read now. So the last I need in my life is her trying to make out of those signs at the Woman’s March on TV.” Daughter squints her eyes, trying to make out of those signs on TV and says, “Dada, what’s pa, pa, pussy power. Is that a new show on Amazon Prime?”

A cheerleader from the Baltimore Ravens got arrested for raping a fifteen-year-old boy. My tenth-grade teacher forced me to read the Raven poem by Edgar Allen Poe against my free will. And all she got for it was tenure and more poetry rejection letters from the New Yorker.

A new study reveals female dragon flies play dead to prevent sexual assault. Bill Cosby victims call this wishful thinking.

I love Trump’s over the top salesmanship and relentless optimism. If he was diagnosed with HIV today, he’d tweet the next morning. “Do I have HIV, yes? But my T-Cell count numbers have never been stronger.”

Michael Kornbluth