Jared Kushner’s Smart

Netanyahu inviting the new Ukrainian Comedian President to Israel.
Trump armed the Ukraine, so you’re cool in my book. Got any good Huma Licker jokes for me? Jackie Mason is beginning to sound a tad repetitive for my taste.

My favorite Russian ads on Facebook about Hillary.
Bernie is a fake news communist.
Fuck that disbarred bitch.
Chelsea isn’t ugly anymore.
Lolita Express Equals Rape Plane
Seth Rich and Julian Assange Rule

How did Russia help Trump get elected again? Did a hologram of Drago appear in previous blue state voting booths in PA demanding, vote Trump or I’ll break you? Resist this absurdist pointed joke losers.

Jared Kushner on soon to be released Middle East Peace Plan.
The Palestians will charge America of apartheid supported collusion.

Jared Kushner on Jamal Khashoggi’s death.
The Saudi’s aren’t into Muslim Brotherhood propagandists. I sold them Tomahawk Missiles. They’re guided by a new prince. He knows being held hostage by radical jihadists bile is bad for business.

Jared Kushner on Jamal Khashoggi’s death.
What do you want from me? Unlike Jim Acosta, his press credentials are revoked permanently. The Saudi’s aren’t too fond of the Washington Compost. Mark Levin wrote that for me.

 
Jared Kushner on soon to be released Middle East Peace Plan.
The Palestians will withhold their call to refrain from violence in less time than it takes me to burst with Ivanka in sheer talking dirty to me in Mandarin.

Closed door meeting between Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey and President Trump.
Jack, can I call you jack? You only exist because of me. Fuck Milo. Nobody misses his tweets. Without me, Twitter is dead. And journalists lose all reason for living.

Closed door meeting between Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey and President Trump continued.
Is your friend Fake News Fro Collin Kaepernick enjoying the largest unemployment check cut ever recorded? Just curious dude. Do you ever trim that thing?

Bill Deblasio fighting climate change.
No more glass skyscrapers. They contribute more to global warming than team AOC’s clambaking sessions in her entourage of SUV’s from the boogie down Bronx to her dealers more gentrified brownstone hoods in Park Slope.

New York Times apologizing to it’s readers when Trump wins all 50 states in 2020. It was a nice run while it lasted. The National Inquirer is still standing. Tabloid journalism needed an elitist powerhouse to take over it.
Democrats calling on Republicans to impeach Trump is an Eastern Worshiper Hail Mary of the most deplorable, desperate, laughable order. Be more of a transparent sore loser twat, Twitter.
Memo to Governor Cuomo.
Biden has the best shot to beat Trump.
Is Don Jr. banging Eric Trump’s made up widow?
Is Trump inhaling Kellyanne Conway’s hair with camera’s blaring to ensure she’s washed the stench of porkie George out of her hair?

 

Florida felons love Trump. Trump was gangsta before he killed off the Bush Dynasty, ushered in prison reform & pardoned Jack Johnson. Gang banger reformer Jim Brown got his back. Felons wouldn’t fuck Uni Brow Maddow with Michelle’s dick.

Bernie Sanders want to give voting rights to the Boston Bomber.
What about Seth Rich Bernie? He’s more alive than that POS inside. Stay morally strong smear breath.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE
Kid
Build the Wall.
Trump
It’s happening kid.
Kid
Well, Ann Coulter isn’t over her blue balls yet. So get cracking.

INT. DENTIST OFFICE
Friends plays.
Stay At Home Comedian
My favorite bottled water is Smart Water. It adds an extra bounce to my step.
When I drink it, I feel like Jennifer Aniston on the rebound.

Hygienist laughs long time.

INT. HOME
Wife
I tried to tell you about buying these rugs.
You can clean our new rug in the wash.
Stay At Home Comedian
Stop talking. Because of you I want to roll up something earlier than usual.

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

Dumping on 30 Rock

Citizens of Flint Michigan received eviction notices for unpaid contaminated water bills. Wow, Flint politicians hate black people more than Michael Moore’s makeover.

New title idea which made me laugh.
Dumping on 30 Rock. The big tree in my yard made me think of it. On top of, Alec Baldwin losing his surging sense of purpose.

Deblasio threatening Trump.
Send us Central America’s finest and will sue.
Machete ban bills weren’t included in the Green Deal.

Sanctuary Cities will welcome all the illegal aliens Trump sends in their direction because MS13 will prevent gays from gentrifying their fixer upper neighborhoods again. Sounds like a smart a revenue model to increase quality of life to me.

I ask my daughter Matilda. What happens in Rocky 4? Apollo dies.

My son slacker shaming me.
Now, that my leg sprain is healed. I want you to call me a slacker if I’m not on the tread mill every morning before you get up. Stop making excuses slacker. You’re worse than Hillary.

Beto looks better than Obama in a speedo on Transgender bathroom bans.
Your girls shouldn’t be scared because Jim identifies as Jimbolina. And Jimbolina is a lady. And ladies don’t leave pee on the seat.

Memo to David Brooks.
Trump represents a moral crisis in this country. Baby Boomer Mom doesn’t know best. Stop making excuses for being a sniveling, scruple free, zero personality hack. You’re worse than Hillary.

The Constitution is at stake in 2020 Denture Breath Pelosi? Is Baby Face Omar pushing to replace it with Sharia Law? Ginsberg is dead, so what radical overhaul do you anticipate exactly? Is we the people, changed to Sean Hannity?

John Hamn gave Kamala Harris a one thousand dollar campaign donation. Is that how much he charges for a pearl necklace?

Michelle Obama says Trump is making our country sick. Wrong, your hired peon Jussie Smollet trying to start a race war under false, orchestrated, paid for pretenses is what’s sick and twisted, sister.

Luke Walton on the phone with dad.
You keep on trucking dad. I need to replace my Grateful Dead tattoo with a Nipsy Hussle one today. If I stand any shot of getting big time free agents to play for me and sign on the dotted line.

INT. PHARMACY
Worker
I went to Amsterdam for Spring Break.
Stay At Home Comedian
The Anne Frank Museum is enormous.
I’ve never seen so much closet space.
I expected a cubby, not a walk in closet.
Joan Rivers was jealous of her fame.

 

INT. DMV
Stay At Home Comedian
Ban ICE because homeland security was so weapons of mass destruction years.

Me being passive aggressive at the DMV after getting hates stares from illegals.
If my Aussie wife had a cousin who wanted a NY drivers license, what form of ID would be required? A social security. I guess poncho is screwed then, huh?

Stoner insight into Kiss.
The song Beth wouldn’t be as depressing if Beth had children to keep her comfy, warm and far less alone. Than touching herself with Ace Frehley’s guitar picks at home.

Calling my dad on his I don’t know what year birthday.
Happy Birthday Dad. How have Mom and Jonathan lit up your world today so far? Let me guess, they fail to capture the majestic sparkle mist from your 3 grandchildren over here.

INT. HOME
Wife
There’s no pink tax on Viagra.
Stay At Home Comedian
Guys aren’t taking Viagra to bang out more babies babe.

For my wedding, I should’ve replaced my no show, whiny Jewish Grandma with a wise black grandma. Post an ad on Craig’s List. Wise black Grandma needed. Tyler Perry impersonators are welcome. Must be comfortable performing in front of a white audience only.

The End

By,

Micahel Kornbluth

Boring In Mandarin

My daughter summing up every fight I ever had with my wife.
Enough Daddy, she got your point, mid-breath.

Fake News Pizza Choking Hazard Scare
Daughter
Daddy, I think baby swallowed a soda cap.
And I can’t enjoy my Sicilian 100% without knowing whether he’s choking to death or not.

Georgetown University apologized for slavery. Apologize over something you had control over like not forcing Allen Iverson to attend summer school and pass Mo Money Management 101 from Do Rags to Riches.

Quit the weed because I couldn’t answer my daughter’s questions quick enough. Daddy, if God created the universe, who created God? God went back in a Time Machine made by Elon Musk? Real convincing dad. Thanks for making an atheist at 4.

Seinfeld auctioned one of his Porsche’s for charity. I hope half the proceeds went to Larry’s kids.

Deblasio married a militant looking black lesbian yet were supposed to believe garlic breath converted her? He eats pizza with a fork and knife. Can you picture Big Bird eating out her bean pie with such sudden sloppy abandon?

INT. APOLLO
Ziggy Marley being interviewed by High Times. Your dad had 12 kids. I thought ganja drained your sack dry. Fake News man.

INT. APOLLO
Lindsey Vonn choked at the Olympics because Tiger told Trump she was “overrated “in the sack. Adding, and I would know from personal experience Don.

INT. APOLLO
I’m a father of 3, I’ve aged well I know.
So has Blair Underwood. So let’s not give props to my white privilege in this sense. Then again, Lebron looks like Halie Selassie keeping his body alive on steroids. You know the real chosen black Jesus.

Not dealing well with learning my son is only in the 50th percentile for height.
If baby Samuel becomes shorter than your English brother, I’ll never forgive you. For your fat Hobbit mom tainting my DNA.

Another reason nobody respects the NY Times anymore.
Felicity Huffman and Lori Louglin played doting mothers. In real life, they are playing far more complex roles. Fake news moralists are as deep as it gets.

Michelle Obama memoir is the best selling one of all time. P.T Barnum’s autobiography outsold the Bible one year. So if Michelle’s book doesn’t sell to more than a billion Muslims. I’m not impressed.

Int. Deli
Stay At Home Comedian
You don’t know who Gregory Hines is, do you?
Older Dude
Do you know who Sammy Davis is?
Stay At Home Comedian
Not as funny in Cannon Ball Run compared to Gregory Hines in History of the World. Got anymore brain busters?

EXT. HARVEST MOON
2 year old son falls hard.
Stay At Home Comedian
Don’t worry, he’s a tough kid.
He used to do extreme wrestling with Terry Funk in Japan back in the day.

Good old boy in a Wrestlemania 2019 shirt & family laughs long time.

INT. HARVEST MOON BAR
Stay At Home Comedian
Have you tried Sammy Hagar’s tequila?
It tastes Van Halen light.
Bartender
That’s a good one.
Stay At Home Comedian
Your laugh said enough already thanks.

EXT. HARVEST MOON FARM
Stay At Home Comedian
Babe, do you think any woman here sporting the bunny ears is an automatic cum guzzler? Also, don’t you feel they’re paganizing the shit out of your lord and savior’s birthday? Just saying.

INT. HARVEST MOON BAR
Son grabs my leg again.
Son
Ice Cream daddy.
Stay At Home Comedian
I got it 5000 years ago kid.
I was refusing to acknowledge the obstacle like they taught me in IT recruiting 101 when hiring managers told me to call HR.

Busting my mom’s balls.
Arthur is getting tall.
You’ve already seen your 2 sons reach their maximum height. I thought reach full blown maturity was a stretch, especially in my younger brother’s case.

INT. CAR
Wife
Do you think we should get a more skinnier yet more durable stroller for DC?
Stay At Home Comedian
Have your mom buy one.
Wife
She’ll be too busy with Easter.
Stay At Home Comedian
But I thought the dog made her more active.

If I was hosting the Oscars, I wouldn’t back at the last sec to downplay my ties to the hip hop gay mafia. If I caught my son playing with dolls. I’d instruct him to wrap up Pecker Wood before knocking boots with Polynesian Barbie.

Remember when it took Hillary Hammer Time Cankles 5 times to get her Metrocard to work? Never losing touch with the working man like Dinero in Bronx Tale. Swipe 5 Huma Licker Breath, utters, Super Predators are looking. You can do it.

420 is Hitler’s birthday. How did Randy Newman never write about song about this? Now, hitting the bong to more Tuff Gong on 420 never felt so wrong.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
Breitbart has ads for Amateur night at the Apollo.
It’s a sign from God.
Wife
It’s Cookies tracking your Internet browser history.
Stay At Home Comedian
But I just go on Breitbart to read more Obama bashing comments.

Beyond awkward moment. My 2 year old blond haired, blue eyed son spraying the hose at our adorable, sweet black girl neighbor passing by our house with her friend. She must think my son is the satanic spawn of Ann Coulter.

Megyn Kelly only wore black face on Halloween to show her appreciation for old school Al Jolson Records.

I wish Lavar Ball was my coach dad. He’d make sure I got to 1st base before my younger brother did. He’d only invite stuck up Jenny from the block for a game of spin the bottle. 2 secs in he yells. The Yahoo bottle doesn’t spin itself bitch.

Trump’s the Anti-Christ? Doesn’t Jesus return to defeat him? Have some faith in the Jesus comeback story people? I googled Anti-Christ. At 1st I thought, that’s what Pig Vomit calls Howard in Private Parts, so he can’t that bad.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
Breitbart has ads for Amateur night at the Apollo.
It’s a sign from God.
Wife
It’s Cookies tracking your Internet browser history.
Stay At Home Comedian
But I’m not reading about poetry slams about Maxine Waters on Breitbart.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
Breitbart has ads for Amateur night at the Apollo.
It’s a sign from God.
Wife
It’s Cookies tracking your Internet browser history.
Stay At Home Comedian
But I always blank on typing in interracial amateur porn.

INT. HOME
Wife
The bouncy ball was an air blocker.
No wife deserves to be huffed at as often as me.
Stay At Home Comedian
Come here babe, I got an air blocker for you.
I’ll be huff free in 5 minutes I promise.

EXT. HARVEST MOON
Daughter
Your editor sounds pretty mouthy Dad.
She can’t talk to you like that.
It’s like talking back to the President.
Stay At Home Comedian
You’re 24/7 untoppable.

Daughter
Daddy, can I get one more sip of Rose.?
Mom
No.
Daughter
But it’s Spring Break.
Stay At Home Comedian.
Sold and hilarious. Ivanka’s daughter would’ve just said something boring in Mandarin.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Spitting on Chopin’s Grave

Most brutal hashtag to wake up to on my ordained day of rest.
#IStandWithIlhanOmar.

She’s no Rita Marley Twitter. And your hashtag campaign in her honor is no redemption song. Quoting W only makes Baby Face Omar’s mouth worse.

911 restricted Muslim civil liberties in the US, the religion of peace. The call to prayer in my old neighborhood in Queens didn’t sound too peaceful, muted or restricted one bit after 911 either, just saying.

Again, how was Omar’s freedom restricted after 911? Was she denied an Ivy league education at Harvard because her Math SAT scores were too high? And excelled at classical piano despite spitting on Chopin’s grave in her dreams.

How was Omar’s freedom restricted after 911?
She never considered moving on up to the Upper East Side. Picture Omar in her finest hijab being judged by Ruth Ginsberg’s sister in law as the head of the co op board in her building. Do you care for Woody’s earlier work Omar?

911 restricted US Muslim’s civil liberties. Nobody stopped Baby Face Omar from petitioning outside of Hebrew National headquarters for showcasing a dual loyalty to Ellen Barkin from the Bronx and Orthodox Brooklyn Jews scared to try anything else.

911 restricted Muslim’s civil liberties. The NY Times is free to use unverified sources such as Russian golden shower tale to make Chelsea Handler blush. Plus, I don’t recall the NY Times looking into Obama’s pitch perfect Farsi.

911 restricted Muslim’s civil liberties in the US. Leaders of the Muslim community were pretty vocal about opening a super mosque in downtown Manhattan soon after, immune from being spied on of course unlike others.

If President Trump doesn’t pardon our #WikiLeaks hero. Nor use him to take the down the murders behind Seth Rich. Then Sean Hannity, Q and my all knowing trusting, gut level instinct owes me an effusive, mandatory apology.

Again one last time, how was Omar’s freedom restricted after 911? She balked at hondeling with a Jewish Super over a ghost town, Tribeca loft next to Ed Burns after 911? She got sued for defamation after calling J date Horny Heebs Date on My Space?

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

I Don’t Work For UBS

Mom letting herself off the hook again.
You’re taking the boys to Manhattan today?
When I saw Bette Midler with dad for Hello Dolly.
You became overwhelmed because Arizona has no condensed, foot traffic to navigate around.

INT. FAO SCHWARTZ -NYC
Stay At Home Comedian
Nice dance display on the piano. I appreciate you highlighting how heavy footed my wife is in comparison. And she’s no blimp either.

INT. MOMA-NYC
Stay At Home Comedian
What did you think of Starry Night Arthur? Yeah, I thought it looked less dreamy in person also. I’ve seen more movement on a half of eighth of mushrooms, lost in my Jim Morrison black light poster.

INT. MOMA-NYC
Stay At Home Comedian
You don’t want know what movie is playing?
Let me guess, another overrated Robert Altman film with endless bores I could give 2 shits about. He directed Popeye and made Robin Williams unfunny.

INT. Joseph Abboud Store-NYC
Worker
Looking for anything in particular?
Stay At Home Comedian
Just exposing my sons to the best threads money has to offer.
After the novelty of white gap shirts wears off from massive shrinkage again.

INT. MOMA-NYC
Stay At Home Comedian
Are you jealous of anything Jackson Pollack ever did Arthur? Yeah, me neither. Ed Harris can make a cold calling realtor compelling.

EXT. MOMA-NYC
Security Guard
The exit for the garden exhibit is to your left.
Stay At Home Comedian
Can’t wait to check out the installation rake on display.
You work at the most overrated museum ever, no offense.

Luke Walton and Lakers have officially decoupled. This is Luke Walton on the phone with dad seconds later. You keep on trucking dad. I need a Nipsey Hussle tattoo today to earn the respect of Generation Z players. My inked out Dead one isn’t getting max free agent players to sign on the dotted line.

INT. PASTA LOVERS-NYC
Stay At Home Comedian
I can’t recall the last time I devoured a penne vodka whole.
Then again, I can’t recall the last time, I gave my wife my adderall to hide, not wanting it again sometime later.

INT. LEGO STORE- MIDTOWN MANHATTAN
Stay At Home Comedian
If I chose to host the Oscars, I wouldn’t back out at the last minute to downplay my ties to the gay hip hop mafia. I don’t work for UBS obviously.

Black Lego Woman Cashier Gal laughs long time.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
During my parent teacher conference, I got turned by Mrs. Castalano for the 1st time.
Daughter
Daddy.
Stay At Home Comedian
She doesn’t normally wear makeup right? Her Sicilian olive oil complexion looked glistening scrumptious all of a sudden. Does she do Soul Cycle to keep her legs in such tip top shape? Plus, her laughing at my jokes and ad libs didn’t hurt either.

Trump downplaying ties to Julian Assange
It’s not my deal. He’s gone off the reservation.
Hannity will never admit wanting to blow him.
Seth Rich, yada, yada, yada.
Just google Tony Podesta art work, alright.
Don’t need Wikileaks for it.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Downplaying 911 Is Actually Happening

I don’t understand why a trans would want to join the military unless they can’t afford a sex change operation or have a rape in the shower not checked off their fantasy bucket list yet.

Lebron James is struggling to fill roles for Space Jam 2. I thought my East Bound and Down spec would secure me a writing fellowship at Warner Brothers but Lebron’s repellent, toxic bitch ass masculinity is 10 times more hilarious to watch unfurl.

Lori Loughlin freaking out over jail.
Hillary walks but not me?
Chelsea is dumb as bricks. She’s not even University of Arizona material because she still looks busted. John Stamos is a pussy hound. Maybe, he can call in a favor to Trump on my behalf.

Memo to Al Sharpton:
Trump is a causing a rise in hate crimes.
And Michelle Obama believes Jussie Smollett is the angelic love child of James Baldwin.

Pope blames the Priest rape epidemic on the 60’s sexual revolution. Name one Christian Rock band who performed at Woodstock? The lead singer of Stryper wasn’t even born yet your holiness.

INT. HOME
Brother
Why don’t you want kids Matilda?
Sister
They’re expensive and you have to give up jobs you love.
Stay At Home Comedian
She’s talking about me giving up on making loser hipsters laugh at Brooklyn open mikes.

Rashida Talib holding an end Muslim ban press conference.
Who doesn’t want more of me? My husband is restricted from answering that question according to Sharia Law.

AG Barr is a pawn of the President. I thought he was your worst nightmare lying Lieu. Stop acting witty like a wannabe John Cho with still funny Jewish resistor comedy writers at your disposal.

Youtube restricted Candace’s Owen’s testimony to Congress on it’s site because she doesn’t sound as southern gospel sassy as Diamond and Silk.
Bust them up good Cruz. And keep the beard. You no longer reek of clam juice as much.

Bernie Sanders touring the Rust Belt.
Triple A is my best friend during winters in Vermont.
Ford being chummy with Hitler doesn’t bother me one bit.
Now, who wants some free healthcare?

Ann Coulter running into Ivanka at Jamba Juice.
What do I get? I’m more indecisive than your hub Jared Kushner at the salad bar at the Bellagio. Double Shot of Wheatgrass please. It does wonders for your bitter laced sense of humor. Not that you have one.

Amazon workers listening to my Alexa conversations.
He still asks for Bruce Springsteen songs so we can’t hate the big headed Jew for being a Trumpian supporter Nazi.

Lebron James at home talking to his wife .
Magic’s gone. The perfect excuse for me to demand a trade.
Wife says. You’re sleeping on the couch tonight Dwight Howard.
Kobe, Magic and Trump watching made you choke away your legacy chump.

Crime Justice Lawyers are so hot right now. It helps when you’re at the top of the Porcupine Puss chain. Good for Kim, some 2 plus years she’s had already. She can change her middle name to prison reform at this point for Christ sake.

Hillary in the woods today.
I told Obama to drone strike Julian Assange’s ass before he got a piece of a torn up Pamela. Lolita Express is the least of our concerns Bill. At least, Chelsea isn’t ugly anymore.

Wife freaking out over me going to Vegas to see Aerosmith in July with an old school LA bud. I don’t trust you. I’m celebrating the release of my book, so try to have a little faith in me. But you don’t want me giving up my friends.

Old school LA bud texts about our trip to Vegas to see Aerosmith.
Bring your big boy pants.
I won’t turn down a neck massage in our private cabana while listening to Permanent Vacation.

The Obama administration didn’t spy on the Trump campaign. They’re were just eavesdropping because Trump sound like he’s the head of 7 families in Mobsters.

Memo to Baby Face Omar
9/11 was “some people did something.”
That’s like saying the war against terror is never ending as long as Muslims keep fucking. It’s sad but true. Acid attacks in England are a flattering look for your people though.

Do It All Dad reads Pauline Kael’s review of Ingmar Bergman’s Magic Flute.
Daddy, this is boring.
It’s good writing.
Warren Beatty banged her once, I think.
She might have done punch up work on Ishtar.

The End

By,

Michael  Kornbluth

Stephen Miller’s Greatest Hits

How many White Nationalists live in Kenya? Is there a movie Kenya Bush Burning streaming on Netflix? When Richard Pryor went to Africa did he ever utter I hate Kenyan Nazi’s? Did Baby Face Omar grow up on Venice Beach in the 90’s?

How is Minnesota House Rep. Ilhan Omar such an authority on White Nationalism? Was Higher Learning airing on her free trip to Minnesota? Would it make her feel better if the new Metrodome was shaped like a retractable Hijab instead?

Baby Face Omar calls herself an intersectional feminist. Ok, so maybe, she needed more than 3 months to learn the nuances of our native English language. Intersectional feminist, means what? She can’t decide whether she’s gender fluid or not?

Baby Face Omar at Katz Deli with Chuck Schumer.
Mia Farrow would’ve adopted you after she dumped the Jewish perv. Are Muslims allowed tongue? What about white fish salad? Am I being too New York Jewish pushy for your taste?

According to Baby Face Omar, either you’re a white nationalist or your cool with endorsing complete lawlessness with Keith Ellison’s favorite Borders Are Bull Shit Undershirt. A very sophisticated world view. I admit.

Baby Face Omar at the photo shoot for the cover of Rolling Stone.
Loosen up Omar. Just think despite Stephen Miller’s resistance Sharia Law won. Those are some pearly whites Omar. Are there good dentists in Kenya? Because all Jewish dentists are crooked.

Memo to Baby Face Omar
White Nationalists burn crosses down south.
Stephen Miller is a Jew from Santa Monica, California.
I don’t see Stephen Miller eating pulled pork sandwiches with the CEO My Pillow to discuss Pink Floyd the Wall either.

I wonder what my old Media Studies teacher at Ithaca College has to say about the Baby Face Omar phenom today.

All the Jews in the media hate themselves for not sticking up to this racist runt. I got tenure, so fuck it.

Stephen Miller is a speech writer for President Trump. Name one instance Baby Face Omar, where any Trump speech uttered the white nationalist unification slogan, Make Nazi Germany Great Again? Still waiting you Jew lover you.

 

Baby Face Omar and Stephen Miller stuck in an Elevator.
Do they have Candid Camera in Kenya? Wait, you’re too young to catch that reference. Did you ever see America’s Funniest Home Videos in Kenya? Bob Saget host, infidel, tall Jew like me.

Baby Face Omar hates Jews in power. The nicest thing she would say about the Jews is how despite the Muslims inventing Math, Jews being money hungry rats, perform better at standardized tests because they’re all about the cheddar.

The End,

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

Do It All Dad’s 2 Hours Off

INT. POTTERY FACTORY B-DAY PARTY
Mom
Arthur is here.
Birthday Girl shrugs, acting like she can’t be bothered.
Stay At Home Comedian
Get over yourself kid, you’re no Demi Moore in the making.

INT. BAR-DAY
New Bud
She doesn’t know who Lauryn Hill is.
Stay At Home Comedian
I forgot what Millennial Mouseketeer Bubble I was infiltrating. I’m the crazy non bald-head Fugees nation. I wonder if Chappelle ever banged her.

Failing to close on my daughter on watching #Wrestlemania today.
It’s the 1st all female main event.

Daughter replies.

And you’re just going to make me feel bad for not being as bad ass as they are. And my feelings are real daddy.

INT. BEDROOM
Daughter
On this card, is says mommy loves your handwriting. Which we all know is impossible. This proves mama was in love with you once upon a time in Brooklyn. When Lena Dunham had skinnier arms and wasn’t so full of herself.

INT. Microbrewery
Stay At Home Comedian
They should make a Coors Light flavored toothpaste, so I don’t taste anything afterwards.

Bartender laughs long time.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
Babe, do you want one more puff?
Wife
Someone has to parent.
Stay At Home Comedian
If the kids misbehave, just order Alexa to play Bjork on repeat.

The one thing a Do It All Dad doesn’t want to hear on a Sunday before getting his power hour write on.

“Can someone play with me?”

Good to know my wife is busy parenting as usual. Nothing is gonna stop her now.

INT. HOME-NIGHT
Stay At Home Comedian
Babe, do you want one more puff?
Wife
Someone has to parent.
Stay At Home Comedian
It’s already getting late. So you read a chapter of Ivy and Bean to the kids with stony glazed wonderment.

INT. BAR-DAY
MILF
You look like a celebrity.
Stay At Home Comedian
Your star fucking me with your eyes right now, aren’t you?
But yeah, I get confused for Vince Vaughn before he let himself go from good living, good living.

INT. BAR-DAY
MILF
I’ll have whatever white you have.
That’s dry like me.
Stay At Home Comedian
That’s nothing a pair of Juicy sweats and me grinding you from behind, can’t solve in your dreams.

INT. HOME
Wife’s Friend
Men should barbeque meat.
Stay At Home Comedian
But I made the salsa, marinated the meat, cleaned the house and busy entertaining a husband who can’t stand you already, future baby or not.

INT. HOME
Wife’s Friend
Men should barbeque meat.
Stay At Home Comedian
But I marinated it and busy entertaining your husband more than you ever could. But good luck competing with Motley Crue’s Too Fast for Love in the garage.

A dirty white boy, wheel barreled dirt in to fill potholes along a highway in Michigan because his mom and grandmother got a flat tire on it prior. Rashida Tlaib accused him of Islamaphobia because he doesn’t support UN funded death tunnels.

INT. POTTERY FACTORY B-DAY PARTY
Mom
Arthur is here.
Birthday Girl shrugs, acting like she can’t be bothered.
Stay At Home Comedian
Nice fairy wings, I didn’t know Tinkerbell was more passive aggressive than my mother.

INT. HOUSE
Daughter
Daddy this card mommy wrote you says, I love how you kiss Blondie.
Whose Blondie?
Stay At Home Comedian
Time for foreplay before you 3 children were born. Turning our bed into a 24/7 open milk bar.

Beto looks better in a speedo than Obama, most likely, compares President Trump to the 3rd Reich? But sequels never live up to the original Edward Burns Lee.

Is it me or does the news cycle now feel like the gutted ghost of Christmas collusion miracle busts pasts?

INT. GROCERY STORE
Worker
Hanging out with daddy today?
Daughter
Daddy, always hangs out with us.
Stay At Home Comedian
I do a podcast and wrote 2 books about getting paid to hang out with them more. I want my world to revolve my 3 kids, unlike others.

Kids discover a box of old I love this about you and us cue cards from my wife.
Daddy, do you want too see how big your naughty pile is?
I bet it’s thick.
Yes it is daddy.
God, this conversation isn’t my fault.
Forgive me please.

 

INT. CAR
Son
I was the only 1 at the party without a parent.
Stay At Home Comedian
Mommy, told me different.
Plus, mommy has more time away from you than I do.
Last, you’re happy now and you look all grownz up.  You’re a fucking bear and you’re all grownz up and all you’re grownz up. And I couldn’t be prouder of my stud alert on the loose.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Unplanned Fan Favorites

MSNBC defending Joe Biden.
America needs a Joe Biden hug because Rape Wood’s most watched endorsed news channel knows best.

Beyonce walking out of a Reebok meeting because it’s not diverse enough. I don’t see enough light skinned Nubian beauties thicker around the waist and busted in the face compared to me makeup on or not.

INT. DICKS
Stay At Home Comedian
A practice putting green.
Now, my sons don’t have to get bored to death reading Jack Welch’s business book because I already did. In summary, rich business people play golf, so don’t suck at it.

Cher defending Joe Biden.
He’s a safe hugger. David Geffen who I used to bang turned into a full blown homosexual banging Calvin Klein models rejects left and right. So, I’m a real authority on the subject of pure intention based huggers.

INT. DAYCARE
Kids are putting together an extra long Duplo creation together.

Mrs. Russo
It’s so long.
Stay At Home Comedian
That’s what Pamela Lee said.

Mrs. Russo laughs long time and her chest wiggles with delight.

Great Aunt calls.
Left you a VM about meeting you guys for Brunch. I never listened to the message. If you don’t listen to your voicemails, you won’t know what messages you got. But you’re telling me now, right?

Good Will Hoodie, you know Zit Face Zuck proposes regulating political immigration speech. He’s worse than the Pope. How will you regulate political immigration speech? Declare Sharia Law on Facebook and rebrand it Hijab Book?

INT. COURTHOUSE
Judge
I was a big fan of your show.
Sometimes, you were a bit crude.
Craig Carton
Is this a sentencing or you trying to show the Bailiff you know what a parlay is without having to Google it?

In honor of Kurt Cobain. Who I love despite killing off Ratt’s brand of shimmering, hair metal sleaze.

Courtney Love is Mia Farrow with better husband selection.

INT. COURTHOUSE
Judge
1st time, long time.
Craig Carton
You’re not good with Twitter are you?
Sentence me already, you joyless wench.

Gillette’s latest and greatest campaign features obese Trans models. No offense, but my entire attraction to Trans Models stems from their zero percent stomach fat and statuesque long legs compared to my wife, no offense.

INT. CARTERS
Worker
Interested in our mailing list for coupons?
Stay At Home Comedian
4 kids would really piss my parents off but I’ll pass.
Sperm implanter or Sperm terminator isn’t up to me.
I got no reproductive rights babe, remember?

The Doors by Oliver Stone could be his best film after Born on the Fourth. Platoon is great obviously but Charlie Sheen is no Val Kilmer. Plus, I read Charlie Sheen sodomized Lucas. So he can go fuck himself and get HIV again.

A Gyro burrito in a spinach wrap with feta, banana peppers, rice and bomb Tzatziki when you can taste the fresh cut dill is worth rolling a fatty for before housing one later. I enjoyed mine sober off adderall but still.

INT. BAKERY
Stay At Home Comedian
The Emoji cookie where he’s grinding his exposed teeth looking like Jill Biden inside.
Bakery Lady
I like Joe Biden
Stay At Home Comedian
You should let him use your granddaughter for a stage prop then.

INT. CARTERS
Worker
What’s your email?
Stay At Home Dad Comedian
Doitalldadyear@outlook.com.
My wife is pushing for a vasectomy.
So I don’t need any coupons for any future unplanned fan favorites of me.
Sperm Terminator is my future.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Flax Seeds Are Off The List Honestly

Do It All Dad Advice
Son, never tell a girl to hold it.
Can you please hold it? Would work in your favor though.

INT. CAR
Stay At Home Comedian
I think my Dunkin Donuts turkey sausage power breakfast on flatbread needs more flaxseeds. Eating it was like going down on a bird feeder.

Watching the Doors with my kids.
Aren’t those canals in Venice Beach cool?
I want to live there.
It’s become a giant tent street.
Moonlight drives are no longer as scenic.
Tripping on acid there could get ugly real fast also.

INT. STOP AND SHOP
Cashier
Do you have ID?
Stay At Home Comedian
Pretend I’m an illegal alien who can’t speak a word of English.

VP Joe Biden skinny dipping in his DE estate home surrounded by Secret Service detail.
Told you I was bigger than boogie boarder.

Explaining the MAGA hat to my kids.
The hate represents unapologetic pride in American exceptionalism. In other words, it’s a huge middle finger directed at every sore loser whose made the past 2 years a living hell for parties.

Mushy Soy Boy trying too hard to prove he’s no toxic masculinity offender on a 1st date with Natasha Romanoff’s baby sister. I think all women of Russian descent should be given equal access to Russian Spy job openings in the KGB.

Int. Bedroom
Wife
Can you put Broccoli in your peanut noodle dish next time?
Stay At Home Comedian
I was thinking carrots instead. My dish, my call. But I appreciate your effort to turn me into a neutered hipster, fake feminist.

INT. Car
Stay At Home Comedian
500 podcasts downloads in one day, means the Do It All Dad Year Podcast is cooking. There’s no other young voice out there which can compare.
Daughter
You mean no other 20 year old’s host a podcast?

EXT. HOUSE
Stay At Home Comedian
Matilda, call me a pussy if I whip out my North Face fleece for a 2 second walk to the deli.

2 seconds later.

Daughter
You fulfilled your pussy prophecy dad, congratulations, you big pussy.

INT. KITCHEN

Stay At Home Comedian

You were crushing the whiffle ball yesterday Matilda, going yard every time.

Daughter
When Cody at school hits a home run he calls it a dinger.

Stay At Home Comedian

Great your 2nd grade crush is Mr. Ding Donger in the flesh.

Whenever I hear the mention of low wage labor on droning Mark Levin podcasts, I become ashamed about my IT Recruiter background in LA knowing I could’ve made more money selling oranges to acid freaks on Venice Beach.

Explaining Shamans to my kids with the Doors on.
Shamans are medicine men who heal sick people after they puke out peyote buttons.

Felicity Hoffman at the Bel Air Country Club with the girls.

If she wanted to be an actress, her shitty SAT scores wouldn’t matter. Can you picture Cher feeling the need to increase her word power, trying to converse with Greg Allman?

Kids getting jealous over Bruce Lee.
Daddy, what’s one thing Bruce Lee wasn’t good at?
Fart control from too much soy.

Nothing gets me more pumped than reading John Cho leads the cast for the live action adaptation of Cowboy Bebop. Does he play the Asian version of a blind Charlie Parker? Who laid down tracks on the Orient Express before he gets signed by Columbia Records?

 

Son bitching about his big sister.
Matilda, always wants to play family. And I’m tired of playing the white dad whose always apologizing like an ineffectual pussy like every heartbroken putz in a Chicago Song. How can I go on?

The main event for Wrestlemania this year has Ronda Rousey, Becky Lynch and Charlotte Flair in a Triple Threat match. If you have zero interest in watching this match, then your toxic masculinity doesn’t bother you one bit.

Asshole Observation
On the book cover of Reese Witherspoon’s southern goth lifestyle meets Bel Air chic cookbook, Whiskey in a Teacup, she’s covering her chin with a teacup on purpose. Friends in it aren’t as flattering in polka dots either.

INT. DELI
Stay At Home Comedian
A bag would be great.
I’ll do it myself. Thanks for nothing.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
Play Honestly by Stryper at my funeral.
Wife
Write a living will then.
Stay At Home Comedian
I’ve got 2 best sellers to finish 1st.
Or else the rest of my will won’t have much to give.

 

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
Wouldn’t it be nice if God was flattered by our constant praise and admiration of his handy work? Imagine God no longer grumbling in your head, obey my law or else.

Wife
You’re talking like a real Christian.
Of course Jesus finally talks to you through Christian Hair Metal.

Stay At Home Comedian
To hell with the speed devil trying to trick me into thinking he’s responsible for my comedy gold making, not you Lord. I’m giving up the Adderall this time forever.  I promise God, honestly.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth