Children Are Family Upgrades

Children are for family upgrades, especially for unusual artist families like the Arquette family for instance. My family hasn’t achieved this level of fame just yet.

 

Children are for social variety from mama.
Children are for infinite joy because God hooked you up for refusing to give up on doing you.
Children are for your snuggling forties as a pleasant respite from your out of control, lucky to get out of LA alive, swinging twenties.
Children are for family upgrades because all 3 kids of mine are automatic fans of me. And it’s my job to keep it this way forevermore.
Children are for family upgrades because each birthday celebrates you being born again as a more loving, God praising, humanist.
Children are for family upgrades because they illuminate what empty filler your cherished IPA’s were after all.

 

Children are for family upgrades, when your mother sides with your dad after he makes your 1st of 3 children, smell like Don Draper’s corpse after dropping dead of a heart attack from huffing 2 cartons of Marlboro Reds on the red eye to Australia in 1966.
Children are for hugs from behind because your dad sunk into your couch at your house as you read him a DM from Richard Lewis. What’s wrong Dad? I’m tired. Of what being an asshole?

 

Children are for family upgrades because they get you more than your wife who stopped believing in your dreams before you became a featured writer on the Good Men Project, getting published 16 times in a month.

 

Children are 1st born sons intent on raising their son’s into anti-mama’s boys so they avoid ending up like his victim signaling younger brother. Who milks his alleged demon druggy past for one life preserver after another.

 

Children are for unwavering confidence in your firmly rooted reason for offended enragement.
Children are for tears of an ex recruiter clown. Who as an IT headhunter, his 1st year in LA burned more bridges than Godzilla.

 

Children are for family upgrades for dads whose mom has professed on record in the form of a letter to show zero interest in your writing career because she was a boring banker and her drunk dad never asked for any JP Morgan stock tips.
Children are for giving your brain an overdue break from the weed because it took you forever to answer your daughter’s questions on it. Dada, if God created the universe, who created God? God went back in time, in a Time Machine made by Elon Musk. Real convincing Dad. Thanks for making me an Atheist at 4.

 

Children are for graduating from Hendrix to Mahler. And the chance to re-raise yourself as a classically trained baby like Eddie Van Halen and Randy Rhodes.
Children are for family upgrades because your boys. Otherwise known as Stud Alerts on the loose in public are far easier on their eyes than your younger brother’s blah brained boys.
Children are for family upgrades because when your younger brother refuses to read your latest blog, I’m a Better Dad than Harold Ramis after you announce having skin cancer. It’s hard to settle for a shit show of a relationship.
Children are for family upgrades to make sure you end the tradition of playing favorites and enabling degenerate behavior like the UN does for Terrorist rule of Palestine.
Children are for family upgrades because breast feeding your kids produces superior complexions, increased self-esteem and stronger immunity to nut allergies and from being gun shy boyz to men in general.

 

Children are for family upgrades because they inspired you to create yummier, healthier meals so your offspring don’t become fat sloths reared on P&J sandwiches alone without any taste of the good life to shoot for at all.

 

Children are for family upgrades because I’ll make sure my son understands the concept of commission before he accepts his 1st sales job in LA for beggar’s pay. Knowing, when he’s getting played for a clueless chump or not.

 

Children are for family upgrades because I know for a fact, I’ll never allow my shoulders to collapse as any of my sons go in for a hug, regardless of my opinions on how they should be living their only 1 trip to live lives.

 

Children are for family upgrades because I’ll never not call my son on his 40th birthday because he’s a she male stay at home dad comedian. Whose been fired more than a Palestinian Sling Shot.

 

Children are for family upgrades which explains why I’m not determined to abort my be fruitful and multiply mission just yet.

 

Children are for family upgrades because your Dad says with flippant, defeated disgust, we’re not the Walton’s. So, let’s not pretend we’re capable of improving our know it all behavior on your behalf.
Children are for family upgrades because family trips to Maine in October during their main damp season loses its allure after your 2nd Lobster Roll among a sea of Patagonia green.
Children are for family upgrades because parents who aren’t completely self-obsessed coach their children into being more successful, new and improved version of them, minus the jaded, bitter enshrouded baggage.
Children are for family upgrades because you need to pump more Jew into your in-law’s bloodline. Because your dead weight conversationalist father in law hates how you charm his dinner guests & score more laughs than he ever did.

 

Children are for family upgrades knowing Baby Boomer arrogance never dies despite Trump winning again easily in 2020.
Children are for family upgrades because your father in law dedicated 90 percent of his wedding speech to his daughters heralded sense of direction with no mentions of the groom is a lost cause already.
Children are for only the lonely. I don’t see Leo going out of his way to sell his latest and greatest Victoria Secret Angel to settle down in his Tribeca Pad to become a stroller mom instead.

 

Children are for fake news friend reveals.

 

Children are family upgrades knowing Grandma resorted to throwing cutlery at Grandpa because she couldn’t deal with being a stay at home mom in Australia fondling Elephant ball size avocados.

 

Children are for the veneer of securing your good guy non-divisive stature on LinkedIn in the hopes of scoring future employment to prevent your children from starving to death.

 

Children are for creating richer, fuller dreams to impregnate with greater doer possibility.

 

Children are for Uncles to be non-involved with.

 

Children are for dream catching without having to schlep to Sedona in February for 60-degree weather in the what’s supposed to be the 4th hottest place on earth.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

My Husband, Not Interested Babe

Int. Winter Ball-Golf Club
Me
KP demanded a trade. The #Knicks had no choice. You always have a choice.
Liam Neeson’s choice of black directors to work with in the future, not so much.

The Knicks had no choice. George Soros said the same thing when he rounded up Jews door to door for the Gestapo.

The Knicks made no effort keep KP around. It’s like Tom Hanks dumping Daryl Hannah back in the Atlantic ocean because of his co-op board’s no mermaid policy.

Random  black dad laughs long time.

 

Int. Winter Ball-Golf Club
Me
This DJ is killing me. I want this DJ’s Spotify membership revoked permanently.
Stevie Wonder Black Out Drunk could spin a better set list than this guy. I wasn’t into Footloose in the eighties. Hair Metal is played on Classic Rock stations now. Is Lita Ford Kiss Me Deadly too much to ask?

Footloose, reminds me of a time I got into a fight at a Christmas Party because I said Caddy Shack 2 was funnier than the 1st. Girlfriend broke up with the guy who freaked out on me the next week. That’s called douche bag karma.

Random dad laughs long time.

 

Int. Winter Ball-Golf Club
Me
Since when did the Harlem Globetrotters become 40 minutes of crowd work? Plus, I can dunk a basketball off a trampoline despite my white man’s disease.

Another random black dad laughs long time.

 

My Husband, Not Interested Babe
“My husband” is a bigger turnoff, admission than my immovable blob, mother in law complaining how her supporter husband never takes her out for dates after we ask them to babysit our 3 kids once during Christmas break.

My Husband, Not Interested
“My Husband” is a bigger turnoff, unasked for, conversationally declared announcement than I think MAGA hats are equivalent to wearing black face. But Megyn Kelly was only showing her appreciation for old school Al Jolson Records.

My Husband, Not Interested
“My Husband” is a bigger forced, turnoff announcement than childless siblings who complain about having to bring home work with them because binge watching House of Cards made you such a better person.

My Husband, Not Interested
“My Husband” is a bigger forced, turnoff acknowledgement than a woman writer contributor on the Good Men Project bitching about not having enough female co-workers because she still doesn’t find IT nerds cute. Nice try Silicon Valley.

 

My Husband, Not Interested
“My Husband” is said by women who feel the sudden need to prop up their meh partner in love in the presence of a younger sexier stud because you come off as a friskier married slut in a straight jacket than the rest.

My Husband, Not Interested
“My Husband” is mentioned by women whenever they think you’re hitting on them or when they feel sexually overwhelmed by your smoldering, Furio from the Soprano’s presence. Despite you lacking his tough guy credentials.

My Husband, Not Interested Babe
“My husband” is a bigger turnoff, admission than I like Lebron James now. Because he’s less alpha dogish since admitting he doesn’t care about chasing the Ghost of MJ knowing it’s no longer happening.

My Husband, Not Interested
“My Husband” is a bigger turnoff, unasked for, conversationally declared announcement than I only watch CNN for the financial news. Yeah, I and I only watch Real Time with Bill Maher for my Bible Study Group.

 

My Husband, Not Interested Babe
“My husband” is a bigger unasked for, turnoff admission than I used to be a speech writer for Reagan but still think a yokel from California can’t match Trump’s gift of gab and biting sense of humor.

My Husband, Not Interested
“My Husband” is a bigger forced, turnoff announcement than I’m in Cannes despite not working in the biz as a creative heartthrob of any kind. You wannabe player, interlopers are adorable.

My Husband, Not Interested
“My Husband” is a bigger forced, turnoff announcement than I’m vacationing in South Beach this winter. Good, better catch an STD or the vacation is a bust in my book. Hope you did plenty of planks to fit in.

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Stay Humble Humbug

Anyone who tells you to stay humble should be off the list from your life. All they’re trying to do is stifle your surging MOJO on the rise out of pure spite alone. Not because they’re trying to get you into Heaven.

Stay humble humbug. You mean like Adam Levine at a Soul Cycle class in West Hollywood with his Under Armour shirt on for a change?

Stay humble Under Armour? Because Steph Curry became Steph Curry from cutting out all hot dogging from his acorn, Chipmunk diet.

Stay humble, how can you say that with a straight face Under Armour? If Tom Brady was humble, he wouldn’t have dumped his pregnant actress wife for a high grade puss upgrade in Gisele. Thinking, I deserve flap free, Latin love in my heart.

Stay humble humbug. Now, I know why Lebron James is with Nike over Under Armour. He’s the best ever, at what? Squandering his enormous social media platform to accentuate more racial identity political hate like Obama with talent.

Stay humble, you mean stay a meek pushover forever? Who allows tenured, colorless, zero talent high school teacher hacks dictate what mountains of success to mount because I was prematurely labeled learning disabled? F that.

Stay humble man. Stay At Home Dads don’t have to contend with enough of a shit show from jealous fake news friends, faith in you still making it as a writer wives, and she male baby sitter looks outside the home at large already?

 

If a so called friend tells you to stay humble. It means they’re tired of you rubbing your recent success in their face, despite it not being intended to be perceived or processed this way.

Being humble is the opposite of being a fair weather, douche bag LA Rams fan. Expecting to be greeted with open arms in Atlanta Super Bowl weekend, especially after specifying for non-sweetened tea at the local Barbecue B&B.

I don’t see Under Armour tapping the open borders Pope as their next celebrity endorsement because he doesn’t embody the stay humble edict compared to other humble, zero social media shit talking servants of the Lord all mighty.

Stay humble but I’m not the one claiming Native American Ancestry with Alien blooded Shamans. So I can get into the finest Ivy league law school institution from sea to shining sea, off Plymouth Rock.

 

 

Did the congress woman Freshman appear humble during their shout out during our recent SOTU? They threw their shoulder pads off center from patting themselves on the back over ICE agents who keep them comfy and warm.

Stay humble humbug. You mean like Democrats who act like they won the House and Senate without the aid of illegal voting in their favor? Because they’re such truthful, uplifting champions of the American underdog in us all?

If Ricky Gervais remained humble, he’d stay in his old office job like every other schmuck in a headset. With his balls tucked neatly away in a Scones bin. Content watching more Hugh Grant rom com’s on the Teli with his dumpy wife against his will again.

The CEO of Netflix is real humble. He still acts like their shit doesn’t stink despite being hundreds of millions of dollars in hole because you can no longer afford to pay Chris Rock with just one rib.

Paul Mooney became Richard Pryor’s main joke writer and best friend in Berkeley by being more than a shrinking violet. He also demonized the white man and defended Michael Jackson forever and made out alright.

If I stay humble, I let my mom get in the last word, declaring my desire to write a screenplay as too ambitious. So, I write a best selling, career catapulting parenting book Stay At Comedian with A Plus jokes all the way instead.

Stay humble screams remain a subservient, ass kissing beggar, going out of your way to plea for a shot to feed your family from whatever employer because your talent has o.o leverage when you’re an out of work blogger, podcast comedian.

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

Sperm Implanter or Sperm Terminator?

I have 3 sweet children of mine. But where do we go now, knowing my wife is trying to cut me off from having more? Insisting I yank out my life shooter power for good and abort our be fruitful and multiply mission forever.

 

I’m scared of getting a Vasectomy. I don’t want my ball sack to feel like Edwards Scissorhands face. After he cuts his face from trying to do blow off his iron claws, after polishing off a case of Chateau Margaux with Keith Richards.

 
When your wife forces you to get a Vasectomy, she’s like Ocasio Cortez the bartender. Insisting you’re cut off from more because you’ve already had your full.

 
If you do a Vasectomy search on Google, Planned Parenthood shows up higher than Web MD? Hey ladies, Planned Parenthood doesn’t have enough monopolized power over your Fallopian Tubes already?

 
Me explaining to my son why daddy needs a Vasectomy 3 kids later. I get excited too easily because I didn’t get popular with ladies till after college. I still can’t do a convincing pump fake or make it past 1 Mississippi.

 
If you’re tired of being called a Nazi for supporting President Trump, refrain from mentioning men’s reproductive rights to your wife on your ordained day of rest.

 
Some doctors in the US won’t give you a Vasectomy without your wife’s approval. Does this mean men’s productive rights is a fake news Oxymoron?

 
Hey Doc, tell me if you’ve heard this one before? A Vasectomy screams I’ve got enough knots in my back already from 3 kids. So, one more in my groin won’t make a difference.

 
But 4 kids would really piss my parents off. Then, only seeing their 4 grandchildren 10 days a year would scream, baby boomers don’t suffer so much from family separation anxiety. Emoji’s don’t make up for it.

 
I tell my Aussie wife. Forget the vasectomy, let’s try for another boy. But instead of a hiring a Rabbi for the circumcision, we hire Crocodile Dundee. So, a roomful of Jews can say: Now that’s a knife. You can chop it all off with that thing.

 

But 4 kids would piss me off 4 times as much. Knowing my mother in law would still get me a pair of bargain bin black socks for Christmas. Tired of replying with: Great, now I can postpone laundry for another week.

 

4 kids would really piss my parents off. But we call our baby Samuel baby and I’d like to keep it that way. He’s our lucky number 3 for a reason. They say, the “rich get richer, and the poor get more children.” And Jewish New Yorker’s don’t make convincing Potato Farmers.

 

I can’t complain about a 4th automatic fan of me on the home front. Mama would be overruled by our own Supreme Court Bench on all issues pertaining to Men’s reproductive rights moving forward. Sperm Terminator can wait.

 

The End,
By,
Michael Kornbluth

Abort Be Fruitful and Multiply Mission

Memo to Pro-Lifers:
I don’t need the baby womb memes to understand a developed, unlived life is inside. And unless you’re claiming responsibility for raising the child yourself or adopting kids you can’t afford, your memes are dare I say, a tad overkill.

Comparing 6 million Jews exterminated in the Holocaust to 20 million unborn black babies terminated by Planned Parenthood before they could grow up unloved, unwanted, abused and molested like Precious is in poor taste.

It’s hard to explain 3rd trimester abortions to your kids without sounding like you’re imposing PG-13 rated semantics to sugar coat termination of life. In
NY a pregnant woman can abort our be fruitful and multiply mission whenever, wherever within state limits.

I wonder if my parents would’ve aborted me in the 3rd trimester if they knew I’d end up with a learning disability. So, they could’ve avoided the horror of their station wagon bumper sticker: My Son Sucks at Standardized Tests.
Who am I kidding? My parents would’ve totally aborted me in the 3rd trimester if they knew I’d end up with a learning disability. Dad says: He won’t even crack 500 on his MATH SAT. What kind of a degenerate Jew do we want to bring into this world Carol?
To make matters worse, he won’t crack 500 on his MAT, having after having the benefit of taking his SAT untimed. When he finishes, his friends will have declared major’s sophomore year in college.

 

Doc, what’s the difference between a Vasectomy and an abortion? Fighting for men’s reproductive rights with your back against the wall. After your wife blew up her vagina and the damage is done.

I was born in the year of the dragon. Hence, my old school pot head name Dragon Lungs. That’s right, I was dropping dragon analogies before you Kayne knows best.

Daughter
Isabelle’s mom is racist.
Me
How so?
Daughter
She told Isabelle not to play with Sophia and she’s dark Sicilian.
Me
Yeah, that’s like 2 generations removed racist. Before luxury condos overtook the Lower East Side.

For February Kindness month at school, my daughter is asked to invite a new friend over to play. Daughter says: It says new friend Dada and I really have to be into someone to invite them over to our house. And we’re not an open borders family last time I checked.

If I’m President Trump, I start my SOTU with: I love my new Trump voiced GPS system. On your left in Mohegan Sun. Elizabeth’s Warren home away from home.

If I’m President Trump, I start my #SOTU with: Who cares more about black people? Jim Brown or Nancy Denture Breath Pelosi? Jim Brown was Lacrosse star at Syracuse. That makes him more Native American than you Warren.

If I’m President Trump, I start my #SOTU with: If you support sanctuary cities, you stand for what, encouraged , catch and release lawlessness? Too bad, E-Verify Voter ID is color blind my friends.

If I’m President Trump, I start my #SOTU with: Michael Savage still claims he’s the reason I got elected. And fake news says I suffer from delusions of grandeur.

If I’m President Trump, I start my #SOTU with: This Trump Train is bound for glory. Nancy Pelosi isn’t a very kind person. She’s very stingy with compliments. She only tips off twice deported, illegals on Ice raids.

If I’m President Trump, I start my SOTU with: This Trump Train is bound for glory. Rope a dope Biden is the best the Democratic party can do to defeat me. Doesn’t he know I have redacted FISA warrants up the wazoo?

If I’m President Trump, I start my SOTU with: Our state of the union is like Stephen Colbert’s handle on funny these days, shaky. Too bad, he doesn’t have Bill O’ Reilly to impersonate any longer. At least Bill gave him gravitas.

If I’m President Trump, I start my #SOTU. I can’t wait to read Ann Coulter’s review of my stammering stance on open borders immigration later tonight. Is it me or does she posses 0.0 personality off the page? Lonely, joyless women.

If I’m President Trump, I start my SOTU with: Hey Nancy, you do realize JFK Junior is still alive and all your FBI enablers such as Brennan and Comey are going to Gitmo for sedition? Obama never got around to closing it down as promised. Did he?

If I’m President Trump, I start my SOTU with: I win all 50 states in 2020 because Chuck Schumer worries about my tweeting over keeping MS13 out of Long Island. Keep it real Edward James Olmos. Too bad, you never deliver.

If I’m President Trump, I start my #SOTU with: I’ll take Stephen Miller over Ben Rhodes any day of the week. But Obama off a teleprompter these days bolsters Ben Rhode’s contribution output to the past goonish good administration.

If I’m President Trump, I start my SOTU with: Obama taking credit current Dow Jones highs is like Nino Brown from New Jack City taking credit for getting Pookie off crack and welfare. My magic wand is called deal making hustle.

If I’m President Trump, I start my SOTU with: It’s official, Hillary Hammer Time Cankles isn’t running in 2020. John Podesta was really sweating that announcement more than more Wikileaks. How does he stay skinny from eating so much pizza?

If I’m President Trump, I start my SOTU with: Super Bowl ratings at a 10 year low. I wonder why. But keep on trusting my polling numbers ANTIFA. Has Obama claimed credit for birthing Meto? His daughter interned for Harvey. Just saying.

If I’m Trump, I start my SOTU with: Is Bloomberg still running scared of Schutlz? Is 2020 going to be the year for Atheist Jews or what? Mayor Bloomberg’s more indecisive than Jared Kushner at the salad bar station in the Bellagio.

If I’m Trump, I start my SOTU with: Stallone is a dear friend of mine. He wanted me to ask our country for him. Is the Rocky statue coming down next because it promotes white supremacy? Did Nancy grind her dentures off yet?

If I’m President Trump, I start my SOTU with: This Trump Train is bound for glory. Either you throw mama Pelosi off the train or the American the public will for you. But congrats on becoming the party of no law and order ever again.

If I’m President Trump, I start my SOTU with: When I announce new lows for black unemployment and life changing prison reform for mostly African Americans. What are the odds Corey Booker checks out, sitting that standing o out?

If I’m President Trump, I start my SOTU with: Everyone on the left calls me
the new Hitler. In what Inglorious Bastards 2? Don’t worry sour puss Lemon. Sequels never live up to the original. Hasn’t Rape Wood taught you that yet?

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

New England Goat vs. The LA Mope

Me

I want meat.
Wife

But we’re making Cauliflower Wings.

Me

Then, why don’t I feel like you’re my hunger pang, guardian angel plucked down from Heaven?

Ask my daughter what she thinks of Adam Levine’s voice on the song Gotten on Slash’s debut album. She says. He sounds like he stole Michael Jackson’s voice.

7 Tear Old Daughter

Gisele, I don’t get the hype. She’s 80 in model years.

5 Year Old Son

And I’m better looking than Tom Brady.

Int. Diner With my 3 kids.

Cashier You’ve got your hands full.

Me

If my wife agreed to an open marriage with Katy Perry. My hands would be full.

Wife thinks our baby Samuel gets bored from too much time with her against his own free will. Always knew he was a quick learner.

Does Yuck Face Zuck Mark Zuckerberg, AKA, good will hoodie, automatically root for the Rams? Knowing, he hates to concede genius bragging rights to the more decorated, Alpha hoodie of the pack.

Old School Football Joke: How can you be a sports fan if you don’t play fantasy football? How you can really be in the girls? When you spent Saturday night, calculating the black to grey ratio on Brett Favre’s ball sack.

Unknown fact about President Trump. After Pats owner Bob Kraft’s wife of 40 years died. Trump called his friend once a week for a whole year to see how he was doing. My wife won’t even bookmark my blog.

 

Coaching Lebron James is a more thankless task than trimming his goat herder beard. Cedric the Entertainer wouldn’t be able to contain himself. Are you the black Moses now Goat?
“But Beasley’s opinions on Luke Walton’s coaching style matters.”
“Did God pick you to liberate Unibrow from his guaranteed 150 million contract?”

“Moses authored the Bible & you can’t string 5 words together coherently King.”
“Yeah, God isn’t parting waters for you to get Anthony Davis self-anointed great one.”
When the Lakers blow a half time lead against Golden State. Does Obama seek comfort in his secret stash of Almond Joy’s? Hidden behind Michelle’s box of Duct Tape from Costco.

INT. DINER

Me

I’ll have the Chevy Nova Lox Omelette and a side of Hollandaise sauce because your menu gives it your endorsement. I love to prove how my elitist people, New York Jews, don’t know everything after all.

Waitress laughs long time.

Find out what celebrities are rooting for whom Twitter? I think Chelsea Handler’s Twitter feed speaks for the vocal majority in Rape Wood. But she’s a full time social justice warrior now. To detract from her tits sagging popularity.

New Rule:
You’re banned from wearing a Rams jersey today if you never saw Chrissy Everett try to slam Jim Rome into the ground like he was channeling tough guy Jack Youngblood.

Ddamukong Suh is friends with Warren Buffet. President Trump is friends with Dana White. Who would you rather have a diet coke with? Suh bet on himself for a 1 year deal. Suh got 60 mill guaranteed with Miami.

Pink reportedly turned down offer to perform at the Superbowl because she didn’t want to follow Lady Gaga.

Rihanna reportedly turned down an offer to perform at the Super Bowl despite black people in America having 99 problems and Trump being none.

 

Me
Matilda, Whitney Houston could’ve been Gladys Night if she didn’t become a Crack Head. Sounds like someone eclipsed the greatest voice of all tonight, channeling some pure, drug free Whitney of old.

Roger Goodell’s photo op with the King family felt more forced than the utterance of social justice issues. Or my daughter trying to make the Super Bowl interesting with new team logos. Rams, a flaming rainbow, leave me alone already.

Is Wade Phillips on the Keto diet.? He looks fantastic. Cauliflower wings are delicious. You don’t you know what you’re missing America.

Brady looks annoyed at him having to will the Patriots to victory again with no margin for error. Dare I say, heading to halftime he looked prematurely deflated.

Adam Levine is the Jewish Justin Timberlake minus the recognizable, body moving hits. Pay homage to Georgia greats, do an Otis Redding cover, anything by the Allman Brothers and nothing off your records.

Of course the only NFL game I watch all year is slower than Squid and the Whale.

It bothers me knowing the GOAT never blows away team in the Super Bowl. I know he never had Rice or Lynn Swan to race down Touchdowns but Terry Bradshaw didn’t win 4 rings off short dump off plays either.

He’s the GOAT for a reason. Congrats to Brady, the Hoody and Gronk for showing the world the true definition of clutch again and again. I love how Bob Kraft embraces Brady like his own son.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Day My 1st Love Died

With KP gone, Manhattan is yesterday’s news.

PT Barnum is rolling in his grave knowing Dolan gave away his magical Latvian unicorn with a million dollar, high voltage smile to a billionaire nerd who refuses to splurge on a good hair stylist for peanuts on the dollar.

When can I start blaming Deblasio for New York City’s losing culture? NYPD turned their backs on garlic breath . It was just a matter of time before a Trump supporting Uni did the same.

All NBA talking head pundits are idiots for defending the decision to dump KP because his brother agents rubbed the Knicks front office the wrong way, coming off like Russian Gangsters in 25th Hour. KP is Dirk and Ralph Sampson on MDMA morons.

If KP wins an NBA Championship for the Dallas Mavericks. He could run for President and Cuban can be his VP. The FBI can forge his birth certificate and make it look less like a futzed with PDF file this time. Millennials won’t be fooled again.

 

Was a 42 years old fan. After watching what ESPN has descended to, propping up fake news intellectuals like fake news Fro. Or watching CNN disgrace itself by becoming lead leak, liar and chief. Your opinions on what’s best means less than Michael Rapaport.

KP’s brothers, were difficult to deal with. I’m sure CNN was offering them job offers as White House Correspondents, left and right.

I’m going to donate my son’s KP jersey to Good Will. Illegal Aliens won’t know the difference.

Fake News friends from High School still think they’re smarter than Trump for predicting Hillary Hammer Time Cankles would win. KP is gone. Louie is sticking to his out of control jerk off material around here. Time to abort my family of 5 down south now.

From a Gen X perspective, KP was Adonis Creed, our own trans Amazon woman on the moon. Who identified himself as the Alpha Uni among the sly, self-stylized, gunner slasher new order. Now, we’re left with Anime porn on Tumbler for money shot creation.

Trading KP for cap space is a joke. It’s like Ari Gold replacing Vincent on Aqua Man with Chad Lowe because he has to pay for all of Turtle’s broken glass bongs, using Fuji water only, in their own stretched trailer on the Warner lot out of pocket.

How did the become Coach Fizdale’s team? What are his major turnaround success stories under his belt again? Getting out of Lebron’s way after plowing through Eric Spoelstra on the sidelines in Miami doesn’t count.

 

KP made it clear he didn’t want to stay. That doesn’t take the sting out getting nothing for him in return. The Knicks had leverage, why bother reporting about using him as trade bait for unibrow at all? God forbid Stephen A pine for what could’ve have been.

Today I feel ridiculous like a 42 year old Calogero from Bronx Tale in my hoody. After Sonny tells him Micky Mantle doesn’t pay his dads rent. So why care about Mick’s latest stat line in the NY Post? Can’t regain my loving feeling, it’s going, going, gone.

I don’t know what’s more infuriating, some hack writer from Deadspin writing about New Yorker’s delusions of grandeur or Marc Cuban robbing us of our Latvian odyssey in the making, at the 1st ice roadblock bath ahead.

This is Stephen A. Smith off the record on the KP trade: It doesn’t take much to be a Latvian legend. At least Melo won a National Championship at Syracuse. What did hello Uni ever win? Besides white nationalists hearts, cloaked in Armani ties at the Garden.

Daughter

You love the Knicks more than me.

Dad

They were my 1st love, an arranged marriage my dad forced on me. Now, I’ll never have a ring to show for it. In this towering ice world of commerce and street ball courts, KP was our last hope.

Worst part about trading KP is lack of faith in Uni flying high again. Fizdale still thinks Black Lives Matter is a great idea, so how smart can he be? Belittling European bigs has become his claim to fame. My age of innocence is 100% dead.

I can’t believe the Knicks traded KP for anyone but Anthony Davis. I’m seriously considering divorcing my wife to get a talk radio job in Dallas because KP is what remained of my love for the and it’s really hard to let Uni fly away.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Motor Mouth Disease

It’s hard not to get defensive when your son’s Pre-K teacher accuses of him being hard to understand. Because “laughter is the sound of comprehension”, and I didn’t score any laughs my 1st year of open mike stand-up.
I want my son to develop male friendships deeper than the eighteen hole. So, I’m bound to get tiffed when his Pre-K teacher implies his speech problems are preventing this from happening at 5. Wrestling Team members spit in their cups at lunch together.
Yea, so for my Son’s Pre-K Progress Report, I was told he’s difficult to understand. Did I mention he’s 5? Aren’t kids at this age barely competent Mimes at this stage in life? You’re not expecting Junior to bail you out in Charades is all I’m saying.
I hate my son’s Pre-K teacher saying how my son’s speech problem is preventing from making more friends. Because I know how much it sucks for zero friends to show in the hospital for your kid’s afterbirth party. Which feels like a pre-cursor for your funeral.
Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships. Relax Teacher, I already told him about Dale Carnegie’s, “How to Win Friends and Influence People. ” Fake interest in others as long as possible.
Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships with his peers. I’ll tell him to tone down his express genius. Like Henry Miller said. Nothing is more depressing than a genius scrounging for work.
Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships with his peers. But my friend from college JT called me a Social Genius. And he’d hated how successful my people, New York Jews were in general.

 

Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
But he isn’t an out of work blogger for Buzzfeed. President Trump isn’t showering praise in their direction.
Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships with his peers. But Arthur doesn’t resort to calling his classmates Little Hitler, every time he calls BS on their on their moral grandstanding.

Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships. But I’m raising a drug free son. The burnouts in High School will have to resort to Yearbook Grateful Dead quotes to articulate their inner most feelings the most.

 

Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships with his classmates. Is he sprinkling his conversation with too much Yiddish for the local townies to comprehend. North Pole is a schlep Billy.

Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.

Turn the kids on to John Coltrane records, during his super-frenetic period. So, they can keep up with his motor mouth already.
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
Is Janey crying because Arthur called her a fake feminist for never offering to pick up after her Crayola station?
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
But he can run and jump without falling. So, nobody is calling him a knock-kneed putz. Which is a step up in life over daddy at his age.
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
Is Billy’s roundups of Sponge Bob Square Pants so much more absorbing to hear?
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
But I thought wearing a #MAGA hat to school would prove he’s a bad boy soy boy. Was the Pink Polo shout out to Kayne West overkill?
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
Native New Yorker’s talk fast because like they Dave Matthews they have so much to say. Bad example, Dave Matthews makes no sense to me either.
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
He’s a better-looking River Phoenix. Plus, he’s funny. I don’t see him having to hound playmates here.
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
Is he expected to be more fluent in Spanish for shared Taco Tuesdays already?
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships.
He writes love Mia more legibly than I could. My penmanship looks like chicken scratch Hebrew. You’d think I write deli reviews for the Kosher Planet.

 

Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
That’s because he’s a peerless communicator like Howard Stern after his puppet show gang bang display phase.
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
Because he’s demanding commission money from selling more Girl Scout Cookies than Mia? I sold the most, why shouldn’t I get a cut of the pie.
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
Do you think a 5-year-old James Woods went out of his way to explain the importance of American Exceptionalism over finger painting red, white and blue?
Arthur’s speech makes it difficult for him to form positive relationships with peers.
Sure, if he was a tech support worker from Mumbai trying to get a job at the Genius Bar in Manhattan. But Oscasio Cortez makes sense.

Arthur’s speech problems make it hard for him to develop positive relationships.
You’d think my son was impersonating Bill Maher. Why does a Black CIA agent cross the road when he’s already standing under a Popeyes Chicken?
I’m very sensitive to charges of talking too fast. Are you amazed, I haven’t run out of breath yet?
The End

By,
Michael Kornbluth

 

Ensuring Genius Doesn’t Become Toxic

Nothing is worse than being reminded you’re not as smart as others, especially when it’s your younger brother. I’ve never had this problem because my younger brother asks my mother questions such as: Is the St. Louis Arch like the Eiffel Tower? In a pathetic, feeble, half-hearted, fake news deep flail of a stab at trying to show genuine interest in another one of my mother’s blood facing draining, historical site overviews from her trip cross country back to Arizona last summer.

Yesterday afternoon, 5-year-old, baby brother Art Show USA won the winter bouquet adornment contest over his 8-year old big sister by unanimous decision. Daughter asks. So, daddy, whose winter bouquet do you like better? Art Show’s artful placement of pine needles and ferns is a more impressive assemblage of winter land forestry Matilda. But you had more empty space to fill, in your regular vase compared to the IPA glass, Art Show made burst with over the top in your face, beauty greenery. Daughter blurts in a fumed, semi-playful disgust as a form of self-defense from not crying on the spot, “Goodbye.” Seconds later she storms toward my direction and ends up wailing me in the back 4 times in the row at least. I try to diffuse big sister’s bruised ego in the face of her younger brother’s more impressive showing of florist, foraging genius on display. “Matilda, you’ll have to find a way to accept you not always being so equal to your younger brother after all. Get used to it. Big Sister gets up from her seat to wail on my back again with more menace this time around and says in true feminist fighter fashion. “I don’t want to get used to it. You can’t tuck me in for a whole month.”
Reality is, this wasn’t the 1st time big sister has come face to face with her younger brother’s towering genius at work. Forcing big sister to contemplate her diminutively diminished creator stature like every time they’ve had a LEGO DUPLO, builder off. Before each build off, I’ll command, “show me genius”, the way Sid Ceaser did to his dream team of comedy writers back in the day on the Show of Shows, showcasing, an all-star cast of whose who, in American Comedy in their infancy, including, Neil Simon, Woody Allen, Carl Reiner and Mel Brooks to name a few. Now, my increasing concern is about making sure my son’s rising tide of genius doesn’t sink big sisters spirits anymore, leading to more self-defeating thoughts, which can derail their love boat of a relationship forever.
I never had a love boat of relationship with my younger brother. At the same time, smooth sailing has eluded our blood on blood journey through the winds of change, especially when younger brother attempts to take the wind out of your sails, by accusing his unemployed comedian/father of 3 of accomplishing nothing but birthing 3 genius babies. And this is after I’ve written for TV twice. You can blame the lash out on the Adderall all you want. The insult was intended to get a rise out of me. Instead, I replied with: Have a nice day. Thanks to endless airplay of Bon Jovi’s greatest hits in our family SUV. The wonders of getting CD steals at Target as a Stay at Home Comedian/Father of 3. Plus, there’s no denying how my 3 kids keep me young at heart. Why else would be I getting asked for ID at Target with 3 kids in tow at 42 years of age? Whenever daddy can’t resist a 12 pack of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale for only 12.99 a pop. Getting asked for ID with 3 kids makes me feel like a teen mom dropout from Tallahassee. When I get home, I feel compelled to change my LinkedIn Headline to Crystal Meth Homemaker.
So recently, my younger brother got fired from a solid job, which paid 75K, they poured plenty of training into him also. Plus, the name of this company is a solid resume builder also. Naturally, both of my parents did their best to prop up his deflated ego, by backing his assertion of being “sandbagged” at work. Which is victim virtue signaling, loser lame language of the lowest order. Odds are, my parents will still hold my younger brother up on a higher pedestal as usual because he’s got “demons” in his closet. Which possessed him to steal their ATM card in junior high to take more of their mo, mo money for more of his daytrip nose candy visits to Washington Heights, ensuring he only heard last call from the bathroom stall years later in college, before flunking out of Ithaca otherwise known as Cornell’s retarded next door neighbor. I would know, I attended Ithaca College myself, but I studied hard to get accepted into the distinguished Roy H. Park School of Communications. So, I could rip a big hit of strong outdoor and manage not to stutter every other 2 seconds. My point is back when my younger brother and I were spoiled, self-indulgent, burnout degenerates, there wasn’t a sibling rivalry of much substance to toxify our relationship any more than the drugs we were destroying our brains with already. What used to bother me before my 3 kids was born, was my younger brother making me feel like inferior company to his countless girlfriends and boys he partied with. It bothered me because I never asked to hang out with them, I had my own crew. Girlfriends would have to wait a bit later till a summer wind in Cape Cod. When I no longer had to whack it till my fingers bled, it was the summer of 95.

 

I always resented the idea of my younger brother acting as if he operated on a cooler plane of existence than me, knowing, he didn’t win the International Award during his Masada Teen Tour in Israel nor was he voted Grooviest by his Senior Year Book Staff, last time I checked either. An award, which I inspired into creation, because there’s no way blah breath Sharon Blonder, produced even close to the infinite joy my nickname chants of Bud Man, Bud Man, engendered to the entire senior slump slacking class at large.

 
My other source of resentment was my younger brother hitting puberty before I did. As a result, I’ve been stuck in a game of perpetual catch up in life ever since. I remember getting a book called 12 Stages of Puberty for Chanukah one year. I bemoan to my mom: Great gift mom, 12 stages of puberty. Can’t wait to confirm how behind schedule I already am. What’s the chapter about losing my virginity called, “Deep Impact?” Hey mom, did you consider, how demoralizing me getting this gift in front of my younger brother would be? Knowing, he got into the puberty party already. And can play with himself, whenever he wants. My mom replies. But you play with yourself all the time upstairs with your GI-Joe figures. If I played with my younger brother a kid it was over Nintendo games of Tecmo Bowl. He’d use the slant passing play with the Chicago Bears for an automatic 1st down every time, which bludgeoned the fun left in more primo brother bonding time soon after.

 

Big sister, Matilda and baby brother Art Show USA have a far deeper, infinitely more giving, loving relationship, free of any jaded, bile laced jealousy, enshrouded in most sibling rivalry relationships and I’m determined to keep it this way. They’ve been bunkmates for 2 years now. Matilda is the dream big Jewish sister I never had. She’s funny, sweet, wise beyond her years, super athletic but never too Tom Boyish, where she loses her effeminate wonderfulness all together. Picture Tatum O’Neil from the Bad News Bear cross bred with Punk Brewster. Is big sister Matilda into her Barbies a tad much for her younger brothers’ taste? Sure, but I was obsessed with my fantasy land with my epic GI-Joe, wood block constructed battles for the ages, so I get the infinite appeal in getting lost into imaginary playland. I’m still writing blogs for free at 42 with 3 kids to feed for Christ sake. Apparently, the apple doesn’t fall too far from the Daddy’s Long Leg’s Tree of creatively jacked life over here.

 

Sibling rivalries can be healthy, look at what the Manning brothers have accomplished. Till this day, the image of Peyton in the Skybox with his Hall of Fame Dad, Archie Manning, pumping his fist, cheering his baby bro on as he marched the G Men down field against the undefeated Pats to ultimately derail Brady’s perfect life/season still brings chills of good, good vibrations down my spine today. I want big sister Matilda to always be her younger brothers’ go to pumper upper, regardless if he ends up being commissioned as the futurist architect to build the second coming of Central Mark on Mars one day. I hear Elon Musk will be the 1st to move there, to avoid his clingy model girlfriend in San Francisco because maintaining long distance relationships from Mars is always a stretch. Ensuring genius doesn’t become toxic and ruin the one of a kind bond baby brother and big sister have won’t be a stretch if I continue to pound in their craniums the importance of building each other up versus constant belittling and tearing each other down. Matilda also had her 1st grade teacher admitted to wanting clones of future students molded in her honor. So, her ego isn’t down in the dumps with her winter bouquet creation bust just yet.

 

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Impossible to Ignore

Howard Schultz would “steal” votes away from the Democrat nominee Bloomberg? Because Kamala Harris is Michelle Obama if she shopped at Ann Taylor.

Howard Schultz would “steal” votes away from the Democrat nominee Bloomberg? Better put the CEO of Pete’s Coffee on notice. He’s got greater brand name recognition than the CEO of the Coffee Bean, Tea and Leaf.

Howard Schultz would “steal” votes away from the Democrat nominee Bloomberg? Because hack comedy writers on Colbert will take their vote to CEO of The Coffee Bean before a centrist Jewish candidate, not controlled by Mexican cartels yet.

Howard Schultz would “steal” votes away from the Democrat nominee Bloomberg? Elizabeth Warren should seek a vision from a Shaman in her 1 percenter tribe. She can write off the Peyote trip expenditures as “opposition research.” If Buzzfeed starts asking questions and reverts to mind blowing, serious investigative journalism again.

Have you heard the new Trump voiced GPS system yet? Turn right for your exit for Mohegan Sun, Elizabeth’s Warren home away from home.

Howard Schultz would “steal” votes away from the Democrat nominee Bloomberg? Shrink from the moment more Bloomberg. His aids are instructed to never bring him a tall latte from Starbucks because tall means small.

Howard Schultz would “steal” votes away from the Democrat nominee Bloomberg? Because Gillibrand will write off past campaign donations by Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein as hush money for not tattle tailing on the fat rat to his wife.

Howard Schultz would “steal” votes away from the Democrat nominee Bloomberg? Because all the Trump haters are so intent on backing a 3 time loser, assuming Huma licker breath runs again.

Howard Schultz would “steal” votes away from the Democrat nominee Bloomberg? Because hack comedy writers banging out angry white boy, Blackish spec scripts at Starbucks are so centrist in thought these days.

Howard Schultz would “steal” votes away from the Democrat nominee Bloomberg? Isn’t that the DNC’s job Mr. Ironic? Face facts Bloomberg. Bernie got screwed, you backed a 2 time loser. So much for 2018 being the year for Atheist Jews.

Howard Schultz would “steal” votes away from the Democrat nominee Bloomberg? Seth Rich calls, now show us what you got Mr. Ironic. Boycott this, resist this, I don’t care.

At my daughter’s Elementary School in Northern Westchester Country,  NY,  they invited the parents there to witness our children play a game of Clue. Using locations from the local surrounding area. Stressing “community” as the theme being taught here. When explaining the directions of the game, my daughter’s 2nd grade teacher says. If make you an accusation and you’re wrong. You’re BuzzFeed, I blurt out without being able to control myself.  The entire class of mostly mothers roars in approval, including my daughters 1st Grade Teacher, Mrs. Castalano, only in New York baby. That’s the real pulse of America Bloomberg, hope you’re taking notes on a Latte cup Schultz.

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth