The Joke Machine Gunner

I love my new Trump voiced GPS system. Turn left for Mohegan Sun, Elizabeth Warren’s home away from home.

If Ronan Farrow is Frank Sinatra’s son, then why hasn’t he hired a hit man to knock Woody Allen on his ass yet?

Why am I gay about my abnormality? Because it’s fun to freak out grown men at Pizzeria’s in NY. Pizza guy says to my son, “Got ants in your pants?” I say, “How do you know my son isn’t a second guessing gerbalist?”

I hate the boy name Hudson. It sounds more hipster hued pretentious than Brooklyn Salted Chocolate. At 5, Hudson tells his dad, “Can I change my name to Andy Cohen? Because I identify with yenta breaths on the Upper East Side.”

Talking to my new cat like a booty call. Stop scratching. I don’t have to let you sleep here. Also, are you really in a rush to scurry away from so much scrumptiousness? If you’re Fergie, scratch away, but you’re not puss.

Mark Zuckerberg, declaring war against Warren. Facebook is too big? Cry me a river Warren. You think Twitter is going to swing votes in your favor? Trump pays the highest per click rate for Indian casinos to appear every time somebody googles Warren.

Stop calling nationalist a loaded word. The N bomb is a loaded word. ANTIFA lives matter, is an oxymoron.

An actor in the new Star Wars says, “Limited job offers for Muslim actors increases the odds in them becoming terrorists.” But you’re in SAG. Can’t you still make a living doing well paid extra work for Obama produced social justice docs on Netflix?

4.5 IPA’s make me feel more indecisive than Jared Kushner at the Sizzler salad bar. Even worse, a 4.5 IPA tastes like circumcised happiness because I’m shortchanging my desire for a mouthful of boozy hops.

Trump is obsessed with Hillary because he’s an illegitimate president? I thought Hillary lost because she’s an unhuggable cunt.

Hunter Biden being interviewed by ABC. Where have you been Hunter? Doing more bumps? Only hearing last call from the bathroom stall?

Pitchfork named Alright by Kendrick Lamar, song of the decade because Obama got the Nobel for relegating ISIS to ISIL. So they’d sound more start up friendly in Wired magazine.

Moms should remember to put money under the pillow for the Tooth Fairy right? Daughter says, “Daddy, the Tooth Fairy didn’t put money under my pillow? What can I say to appease her? The Rock slept in for a change. Mama’s parenting skills are overrated.

These days Robert Dinero looks like Betsy Ross, falling apart at the seams.

Georgetown apologized for slavery. Apologize for not forcing AI to retake Mo Money Management 101, from Do Rags To Riches.

My 2 year old son, Chosen Curls was bound to woo. A Grandma stops him at Target, proclaiming, “You’re going to have 3 girlfriends to juggle when you get older. I reply, “If James Woods had this face, your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.”

Why isn’t Terry Bradshaw not even in the conversation about best quarterbacks ever? Bradshaw never lost a Super Bowl like Montana. 2nd, Bradshaw won by airing it out. Fine, that much he shares in common with Brady. I’ll give you that much.

In the Netflix suicide doc, 13 Reasons Why, do rebel space ship crashes into Imperial Star Destroyers even get honorable mention?

If Hillary Hammer Time Cankles runs for President again, what would her campaign slogan be?

I Eat Fake News Indians for Breakfast

Chelsea Isn’t Ugly Anymore

Deplorable Boomer Mom Knows Best

Resistor parents don’t care about the rule of law. All they care about is getting Trump out of office, so they can return to their smug secure, superior selves because baby boomer arrogance never dies.

It’s an empowered feeling to get blocked my Rosanne on Twitter knowing she got mad with jealousy at my superior jokes about Valerie Jarrett, Obama’s Arabian horse whisperer. Because it sucks for Rosanne knowing she’s got the coffee plantation in Hawaii, not me.

What’s the best way to show gratitude after your mother in law gets you Champion black socks again from the bargain bin for Christmas? Tell her, “Great, now I can postpone laundry for another week.”

Who told Samuel L Jackson it was cool to dress like Spike Lee’s grandmother? Who identifies as a jazz critic descendant of Sonny Rollins in Tyler Perry’s new film, The Uppity Cunt.

Perfect Wedding Anniversary message in this age of Trump Bad, Me Good. We both agree, you’re amazing and that’s the most important thing that matters.

Michael Kornbluth

Slow Poke Tim

Tempting line of attack against my mother in law next time she forces my kids to say grace in our home. Rosa, Jews, do grace in Hebrew. Also, care to tell God and my kids why you hit your daughter in Australia because you couldn’t handle being a stay at home mom in Austraila, fondling Avocado’s the size of Babar’s nut sack.

EXT. EVERYDAY DINER

Do It All Dad

Kids, there’s no whimpering in album trading talks involving American Idiot for Joan Jett & The Blackhearts, alright.

INT. ITALIAN REST.

Random Retired Black Guy

Been on TV?

Do It All Dad

Blind Date, all I got out of it was a free meal and herpes.

Random Retired Black Guy laughs longtime.

Disney owns ABC, whose now in the pedophile protection business. What should we call Disneyland now, the Happiest Comet Pizza Chain on earth?

INT. MONSTER MINI GOLF PARTY ROOM

Random Mom addresses my 2 year old boy.

Random Mom

It looks like you enjoy cake?

Do It All Dad

Too bad your fun hole tastes like medium grade Sashimi, I’m assuming. If I don’t want to devour you whole.

England shitting in their knickers.

Random bloke at the pub says, “Turkish President Erdogan says, he’ll send 3.6 million refugees to Europe if the EU doesn’t provide aid to Turkey mate.”

Mate replies, “Now that’s using leverage. Did Trump slip Erdogan a signed copy of Art of the Deal or what?”

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

Unplanned parenthood, let’s talk about it 3 direct hits later. I’ve aged well I know. Despite my wife bemoaning. I’ve sacrificed. She acts like an aspiring comedian in his late 20’s wanted kids ever.

INT. DELI NY

State Trooper

Trump isn’t perfect.

Do It All Dad

He’s made ball busting great again. What’s there not to love about that?

NY State Trooper laughs long time.

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

Unplanned parenthood happens, when you’re a stoner who forgets to ask whether your companion is on the pill because it makes her nauseous. But God didn’t give me 3 kids to have a panic attack about it. Obviously, he never had the same confidence in you.

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

Ziggy Marley being interviewed by High Times. Your dad had 7 kids. Doesn’t ganja drain your life shooter dry? Fake news man.

A school in England banned tag, encouraging kids to play with, “gentle hands.” Does Prince Charles do hand model demonstrations in class? Claiming with shameless glee, “Never worked a day in my life. It’s good to be Prince of Wales.”

Did God bring a cat in our home to wane me off Internet porn for good? Because nobody wants to whip it out again, drunk, on the opposite side of the couch of Pet Sematary, thinking, “Cats are colorblind anyway, this should murky up it’s vision.”

Any Baby Boomer really. Can’t you play some Dylan? This music is sad. You mean Chet Baker, the king of west coast cool Jazz? Whatever, it’s sad music. I don’t even know how we’re related. Your shoulders collapsing when we hug gave you away pops.

My wife wearing her atheism on a sleeve. Daughter says. Truth or Dare? What do you like better, wine or Flake Chocolate? Wife says, Flake. I reply. And Judd Apatow is the chief happiness officer for Brietbart.

Debra Messing blasting the View for letting Don Junior on. His family assaulted our country. You’re assaulting my ears, with your tone deaf dumb dialogue devoid of any punchy, fabulous flourish your Will and Grace Writer’s poop in their sleep.

After my 3 kid was born, my younger brother uses a photo of them together for his new Facebook profile photo. Over Thanksgiving, I say, “I’m thankful for my baby brother stealing my weed, adderall and my life. Because I look better in comparison.”

INT. CAR

Do It All Dad

Photon was like a poor man’s Laser Tag. I never played Photon with Uncle John because mimi & papa only bought one blaster for me.

Daughter

But you had friends then who didn’t care about you supporting Trump.

INT. ITALIAN REST.

Retired Black Guy

I like that one better.

Do It All Dad

One more, this is Russell Simmons on Gayle King. Read my lisp. I didn’t rape any of those vengeful, over the hill ho’s.

Retired Black Guy laughs longtime.

INT. TOY SHOP-CT

Do It All Dad

This is me on Christmas when my daughter was 4. Jida got you a toy chest with no toys in it. When we get back home to NY, will fill it with your 8000 Hanukkah gifts.

Toy Shop owner laughs long time.

INT. HOME

Daughter

Do people eat Mermaids?

Do It All Dad

No, but Neil Young eats out Daryl Hannah now because he’s in the midst of a post middle age, never banged a Mermaid crisis.

A school in England banned tag because it was deemed too rough. For now, England will stick to chasing Conservative Talk Show hosts from entering the country by banning the likes of Michael Savage. Piers get’s a pass because he failed in America.

Kids in England can’t play tag anymore because Tiny Tim identifies as Slow Poke Tim. Aren’t cries of hate speech considered fake news in your country when Mustafa tags Tiny Tim, yelling, “You’re It Infidel.”

Michael Kornbluth

Punchlines on Fire

Planned Parenthood has a sex ed book out, In Case You’re Curious. One of the earlier chapters is, Is 12 too young to know I’m bi? Doesn’t that depend on how many puberty blockers you took? So, mom has the gay best friend she never had.

Planned Parenthood has a sex ed book out, In Case You’re Curious. One of the earlier chapters is, Can You Die From Masturbating Too Much? My advice to my kids. It doesn’t hurt trying, after you outgrow your sweaty sex period, which lasts 3 months max.

Planned Parenthood has a sex ed book out now, called, In Case You’re Curious. Reminds me of my graphic novel Bi-Curious George, for sexually confused hipster spawn reared on Lou Reed records in Bushwick.

Confessions of a vegetarian. Carl Lewis was one, so was Edwin Moses. Still not enough protein? You over the hill, never had an athletic prime, hipster hack.

 

How is the border wall racist Bernie? I didn’t know walls could be accused of hate speech now. Are you calling the wall racist because our US military is building it, despite most of the men in the armed forces being men of color, blowhard breath?  Ban ICE Bernie? Because homeland security, was so weapons of mass destruction years.  Joan lives.

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

How is England considering Jeremy Corbyn as your next Prime Minister? He plugged Hamas on Iranian TV as brothers in arms. And I thought France, Germany and Switzerland were in dire straits.

 

INT. COFFEE SHOP

Random Woman

Does your light-saber light up?

Son

It’s a light-saber.

Do It All Dad

It’s self explanatory babe. Wax your face hair, and maybe my son’s light-saber will brighten up in your presence.

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

The Church of England is so desperate to fill it’s empty seats, some parishes are setting up pop up mini golf, banking on the prospect of being able to drain more balls again like Elton John in 86. Those were the days.

 

 

 

How can you respect the news media knowing they protected the likes of Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein and Epstein as if their meal tickets depended on it? Despite their insistence on being heroes to the American people, who give Bubba a pass.

 

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

How is England considering Jeremy Corbyn as your next Prime Minister? He called Hamas brothers on Iranian TV the way I call black guys in New York with affection, who love old school Nasty Nas.

 

INT. Home

Jimmy Kimmel

Who cares if ABC didn’t run the Epstein story? Fanatical Trump supporters are the ones more obsessed with pedophilia than the Democrats.

Wife

You don’t want to do stand up in middle America for a living, I get it Jimmy

 

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

Just 1 in 5 people in Britain say the Bible is irrelevant to them. How hard is Ricky Gervais right now? Not even Steve Carrel on the Teli, advertising his latest 100 million blockbuster can bring it down.

 

Jimmy Kimmel tensing. Poll says, herpes can beat Trump in the 2020. In other words, he expects Trump to reemerge triumphant, as a scarring reminder of how limited the powers of introspection are for a hick comic from Vegas. Weird, weak Howard sucks to.

 

It’s an insult to call Greg Giraldo a great roaster. No it isn’t. True standup is a punchline sprint, not a meandering, act out with your hands with no hard punchlines in sight like Dane Cook for the past 15 years and counting. Greg Giraldo was Tommy Hearns.

Michael Kornbluth

Paul, Was No Mate Of Mine

Steven Tyler unloading on a fan for sitting at a show. I know you can’t afford a million dollar a day cocaine habit, but Live On The Edge a little bit bitch.

How much did Lennon hate McCartney for shaming him into becoming a stay at home dad, for his 2nd kid Sean after the release of Hey Jude? 2 weeks into his stroller ride routine through Central Park, Lennon yells, “Choke on a fucking cucumber scone Paul.”

Eric Clapton on John Lennon asking him to join the Beatles. “I was flattered kind of, but, my 1st question was, “Do you really hate George that much? So he wrote My Guitar Gently Weeps, get over it already mate. Or you’re worse than pussy willow Paul.”

British royals threatening ABC News. If you run the Prince Andrew, Epstein, why can’t we remain friends story, will cancel your interview with Prince William and Kate Middleton. And he’s the only tie left to Diana Americans give 2 shits about.

INT. COMEDY CLUB-LONDON

Do It All Dad

I get confused for Hugh Grant on stilts because I only cruise for bearded black hookers at the circus.

University of Minnesota Students can’t name a single Democratic accomplishment. Outside of making MS 13, ISIS and radical jihadists in US Congress as the new face of the Democratic Party. Also, they made clear due process is off the list.

The NY Times stock falls as ad revenue shrank. You mean ads for ANTIFA Halloween costumes, ISIS religious scholars 101 workshops at the 92nd Y and Planned Parenthood toxic masculinity blockers aren’t keeping the paper of record in the black?

You can’t name the name of the Whistle Blower? You’ll endanger his life. Why, is ANTIFA playing for the other side now? After forsaking the dark side from repeat viewings of Jedi. I don’t get it.

Kimmel on the new Don Junior book. He attacks Mueller, Bush, the liberal media. Basically, all our fake news heroes suffering from delusions of grandeur. Sorry people, I haven’t felt this dejected since Sarah Silverman’s snatch started to smell like cat nip.

Mom asks, “Is Arthur still enjoying his chess class?” I reply, “Yes, Samuel is still enjoying his chess class. Just like President Trump he isn’t tired of winning yet.” Now, I’m out of the will for certain but it was worth it.

 

Buckingham Palace threatening ABC over spotlighting Prince Andrew’s ties to Epstein. Prince Andrew is a clean cut lad. It’s not like the time when we had to take out Diana because because she couldn’t control her Kabob fever.

Will Hillary run? She can’t even power walk to the Late Show with Colbert without her bladder breaking. Why else do you think she shows her fat ass in public, with those asexual built in diaper ready, druid burkas from Dune?

A tree fell on  a trick or treater in Westchester County. Where was pops, blocking the tree like a line drive foul ball at Citi Field? Talk about dropping the ball. Was pops dressed as Bill Buckner for Halloween or what?

Michael Kornbluth

Low Class Long Island Hacks

Someone got stabbed to death for cutting in line for a Popeye’s chicken sandwich as the Grim Reaper yells, “No chicken sandwich for you.”

The MAGA hat is equivalent to a Nazi cap? I thought skin heads wore their shaved heads out in public for a reason. If a Nazi really wants to show his true colors, he’ll rock a black hoodie and attack peaceful Trump supporters in the name of love.

Meghan McCain on Rand Paul. I hate Rand Paul. He’s so much more upfront about his libertarian stances than my father was. Who cares if his doctor was 1st in his class and mine last. My daddy sniffed more than hair with his boy Biden.

Mexico, denied Trump’s offer for war against the cartels after the recent massacre against Americans. Too bad, Trump isn’t a crackhead, scheming demon who thinks winning favor at Bill Maher’s party up in the hills, is worth the one million dollar donation.

A University of Florida professor banned the use of the term “illegal immigrant.” Because he didn’t want to offend the student body there, knowing how calling English their 1st language is debatable, despite their blond on blonde, white white privilege.

The Mayor of London is considering decriminalizing cannabis to cut crime. I’m sure Mustafa will chill on the acid attacks if he could be allowed to puff the hashish pipe 6 times a day on the West End next time he wants to assimilate with Sam Mendes fans.

Another tempting text reply to send my mother. Check out the New York Times gift guide for baby Samuel. I don’t read the NY Times anymore mom. But you’re a good Christian, converted Jew, for forgiving the NY Times for giving you false hope again.

Scorsese on action hero films again. I was offered the Joker, which isn’t your typical action hero franchise. But I was too busy keeping Dinero’s pierced ego afloat. Plus, it’s been two decades since Casino, so Pesci is well rested.

INT. WINE SHOP

Worker

What did you do for Halloween with the kids?

Do It All Dad

Mommy gave the kids the option of getting sushi in case of a rain out. They opted for the sushi. Bribing our kids with Sushi, can make Halloween great for parents again.

INT. HOME

Wife

I’ll cancel my dinner plans then.

Do It All Dad

Today is my one full day of work. All I asked after my sigh, was for 24 hours advance notice. But you don’t respect my time or work. You really bring out the best in me babe.

Me getting an email back from a big time talent management company. I never heard of this guy. He wants to try doing a one man show on the road. No try asshole, only doing the American heartland with A list gemry you’ll never hear on Kimmel long time.

What target demographic does Bernie think he’s snagging by having Baby Face Omar speak at his rallies? Outside of the 1 percentage point of Jews who hate their Trump supporting mothers that much. Was that too NY Jewish for your taste Ted?

You want the government to fact check news based opinion pieces Cuban? Reality update Cuban, you don’t need a fact checker to know instinctively whose a crybaby loser nerd.

What do you say to your wife’s best friend’s husband, next time you’re forced to see him, knowing he lied to your wife? Insisting he sent you a thank you note for the bourbon you gave him to celebrate his newborn kind of love. You married a bigger bitch.

Tempting conversation to have with the wife. How was Brooklyn? Checked Facebook, Matt never sent me a thank you note for the bourbon I dropped off at the hospital in honor of his new and only baby boy. Long Island hacks have zero class.

Michel Kornbluth