Billion Dollar Brain

EXT. Home

Daughter

The worst thing about Wasps is they don’t die after they sting you.

Do It All Dad

Mama thinks I might be allergic to Wasps but I don’t break out in hives during Easter egg hunts in Delaware.

I hate alumni from Ithaca College because they always tense when I start a chat. I graduated Ithaca in 99. You know Cornell’s retarded next door neighbor. Ithaca alum responds, “I don’t have any Ivy League Illuminati connections on LinkedIn. So fuck off already.”

My wife sucking at parenting. Amber alert blares from my wife’s phone. She explains to our 8 year old daughter. It’s the child abduction alert dear. I say. But dissapproving of Sanctuary Cities that prevent ICE from deporting thèse animals is racist.

Toronto Star claims Trudeau black’s face is as Canadian as hockey. Too bad, nobody is ever confusing for him for the great one. At least Obama, is feeling better about himself today. Hey Michelle, the fruity Canuck makes me look like Richard Pryor.

Amber alert blares from my wife’s phone. She explains to our daughter. It’s the child abduction alert dear. Daughter freaks. I put my Second City Improv training to work. Yes but thèse alerts are caused by Hélicoptèr Moms with nothing better to do.

When I ask Alexa to play Hair Metal power ballads, she fucks with my fading sense of maturity by playing Hair Metal ballads gone lullaby. So I never outgrew my age of innocence. At least I don’t try to act young by sending dic pics to torn up muff Jeff.

When I ask Alexa to play Hair Metal power ballads, she fucks with my fading sense of maturity by playing Hair Metal ballads gone lullaby. So I never outgrew my age of innocence. At least I don’t send dic pics to torn up muff, éligible for Medicare Bezos.

When I ask Alexa to play Hair Metal power ballads, she fucks with me and plays Hair Metal ballads gone lullaby. So I never outgrew my childhood. At least I don’t send dic pics to stay current Bezos. She’s only old enough to play Selena Gomez’s grandmother.

INT. MORNING-AM

Do It All Dad

What do you think of Nat King Cole?

Daughter

Wimpy.

Do It All Dad

Come to think of it. Nat King Cole is guilty of appropriating Jewish produced, schmaltzy Broadway bound ballads for a living.

INT. HOME

Do It All Dad

Enchiladas are rolled up corn tortillas in a red or green sauce with melted cheese on top.

Daughter

No, Enchilada is my vagina.

Do It All Dad

No, that’s my code word for your private part to put some undies on after the bubble.

My wife sucking at parenting. Amber alert blares from my wife’s phone. She explains to our 8 year old daughter. It’s the child abduction alert dear. Daughter begins to freak. I say. Mama ruined your innocence more than Family Guy with Dada did.

Saw Paper Tiger. Spoiler alert, Burr holding his daughter on an empty stage in Royal Albert Hall was an amazing payoff. It’s a very powerful, beautiful image. Burr really loves being a family man. Got to love him for it. Still, I laughed zéro times throughout.

Russell Brand Rebirth starts off real strong. He’s more poetic sounding than Hicks and doesn’t come off as a pontificating sour puss who never got laid after shows in the midwest. Brand’s act outs to make his comédic points with solid, funny punchlines are great. Last, he’s an ultra colorful expressionst and never droll dumpy like Ricky Gervais mate.

DeBlasio ended his campaign for President of the United States. What happened? Think Tanks in DC decided his wife wasn’t 1st lady material. The report stating, she makes Michelle Obama come off a gracious, classy, non disbarred altruist in XL shoulder pads.

What’s your favorite Climate Strike protest sign?

China Isn’t Helping

Cannibalism Reduces Your Carbon Footprint

September Should be More Temperate

CNN Is Boiling Hot Over It’s Rating

Jimmy Carter Is Pro Nuclear Power In the Hands of The Shah.

So it’s treason when Trump speaks with a foreign leader. But when Obama authorizes the shipment of 175 billion to Iran without congressional approval, he’s known as just another Jihadist downplaying, Holocaust denier Farrakhan clone with better complexion.

The rise in white supremacist violence is a top threat. Sure, if Sanctuary Cities order cops to stay still as the activist media encourages ANTIFA’s ironic use of violence to pummel gay Vietnamese journalists who have a byline in the National Review.

White House chat between Trump and Mark Zuckerberg.

You’re banning plastic water bottles at Facebook Mark? I didn’t know Fuji water encouraged hate speech against fake news Hawaiians like Obama. If Obama was scandal free, I’m allergic to high end trim.

INT. HOME-9PM

Tired daughter whimpers.

Daughter I feel like you don’t love me anymore.

Do It All Dad

But according to mama I’m a narcissist and you’re my funnier, sweeter twin, so that’s literally impossible Billion Dollar Brain.

Michael Kornbluth

Cooler Talk At Facebook

Cooler talk at Facebook today. Why didn’t we ban plastic water bottles at work ten years ago? Because the climate alarmist girl from Sweden is a superior do gooder than our Chinese sell out out boss, Good Will Hoodie.

INT. HOME

Do It All Dad

You want to fight climate change? Potty train your baby brother when you play teacher. Trump never changed his kids diaper. I wish I could make that claim. It would mean I had my shit together for a change.

Netflix canceled Chelsea Handler’s doc on White Privilege. Surveys show the world doesn’t care about Chelsea’s attempt to distract the world from her tits sagging popularity.

The Pope says he likes it when Americans attack him. Between signing off on parish transfer forms and ripping out No-Go Zone makeover tips in German Vogue found in his office waiting room before his interview with Rolling Stone.

Mercedes-Benz is in the electric scooter business now. In Germany, the scooter can hit getaway rape speed if Waze takes you through a no go zone neighborhood before rush hour.

INT. Local Farm

Older Chinese woman speak in Chinese, I think.

Do It All Dad

My daughter is 8. Now when she get’s out of the bubble, I tense, yelling, “Put a towel on, so the Chinese Underworld can’t look, for future places to store shipments of Fentanyl.”

INT. Local Farm

Older Chinese woman speak in Chinese, I think.

Do It All Dad

If I go broke trying to become a self-published comedian. I can always sell lockets of son’s golden curls for 5 grand a pop on Chinese Ebay. Don’t you think?

INT. Local Farm

Older Chinese woman speak in Chinese, I think.

Do It All Dad

Why did the Chinese supermarket in White Plains close down? Did ICE raid the place for smuggling in peanut oil flavored e cigarettes to push on the me so white market?

INT. Bookstore

A book titled When I Was White is on display.

Do It All Dad

When I was white? Sounds like a Justin Trudeau op ed for Salon, before beating Obama in game of one on one, despite never lacing up high tops before.

INT. Bookstore

A book titled When I Was White is on display.

Do It All Dad

When I was white? If this book is about Steven Tyler coming out out as the Little Richard of hard rock, I’m not interested.

INT. TOY STORE

Do It All Dad

Just one pink bouncy ball. I need to strengthen my palming hand because dunking a mini basketball in front of my kids this summer doesn’t count.

Owner

No it doesn’t.

Do It All Dad

Just like anyone can slam Dat Pham.

The main nerd in Silicon Valley from the Verizon commercials told Playboy magazine, “swinging”, saved his marriage. From what, permanent erectile dysfunction after the blue balls Mueller report?

The main nerd in Silicon Valley from the Verizon commercials told Playboy magazine, “swinging”, saved his marriage. Banging out code samples on Github to get into character didn’t.

The main nerd in Silicon Valley from the Verizon commercials told Playboy magazine, “swinging”, saved his marriage. His wife insists he wear the same Illuminati gang bang mask on at home to appear more leading man mysterious.

Show title ideas for my blueberry pancakes creation on my father son dish review show Better Than Boobie.

Crepe Pancakes You’d Roll One Up For

Upstaging Joe Pesci in Casino

Skinnier Pancake Tits

Griddle Pancakes Be Good.

Burn One Down by Ben Harper is amazing. It’s the most beautiful, hilarious défense for being a pothead ever. At 1st, I thought Ben Harper was freaking Wy Clef.

Not jealous about the first 15 minutes of Bill Burr’s Paper Tiger outside of learning he’s performing at Royal Albert Hall. Michelle Obama material was weak. He’s never been close to Bill Hick’s hitting class, sorry split screen comedy nerd commentators.

INT. BOOKSTORE

Book Store Lady

Don’t touch the books.

Do It All Dad

Pete The Cat could get the coodies from you Samuel, you pussy hound slut.

Why does the NY Times hate Trump so much? Because they still think half of America, consists of brainless, xenophobic hicks. Who’d rather see the Blue Collar Tour than see Collin Quinn off Broadway, playing the Irish Jackie Mason in a button down shirt.

INT. HOME

Son

I want to visit Japan for my birthday. So I can have Sushi for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

Do It All Dad

You know what else tastes like sushi?

Funny Halloween flashback. Who are you for Halloween? Stan Smith from American Dad, CIA, Deep State, you know Swamp Thing. I wanted to dress the family in black face in honor of the Cleveland Show but Megyn Kelly stole our thunder.

Michael Kornbluth

Poop Shamed Experienced

Once my daughter steps on her pink Ukulele guitar. I say. You don’t step on guitars Matilda. My daughter replies. But Jimi played with his teeth. Didn’t he dry hump his guitar in bed at night also Dada? I can deal without that experience.

Comparing the U.S Border Patrol to Nazi’s is stupid. Most of them are 5 degrees of séparation from Menudo.

Blog titles for a new chapter in my Better Than Boobie book. Tortilla Chips Stuck In My Daughter’s Throat Not Manly Enough, I Ain’t No Fag Scholanti? Goat Cheese Is Tangier Than Tang Ciabatta Sandwich Supremacist.

INT. HOME

Do It All Dad

A massage therapist from Malibu who accused Kevin Spacey of trying to get a happy ending is dead.

Wife

What was the cause of death?

Do It All Dad

The Masseuse insisting Kevin Spacey stick to grabbing men in tights.

Blackmail, threatening to spill the solicitation audio to Wiki Leaks.

Ratting on a made gay actor in the Malibu Mafia.

How has Trump encouraged racism Jimmy Carter? Sign off on Prison Reform, hire Ben Carson to run Hud, take Dennis Rodman’s calls. Give the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Mariano Rivera with a whiff of coco butter in the air.

Best Jimi albums in order.

Jimi Hendrix Experience

Electric Lady Land

Band of Gypsies

Jimi Hendrix Blues

My 27 old month son only requests Jimi on Vinyl. Jimi Dada. Today, Jimi jerking off his guitar shaft would be seen as gay projection.

INT. HOME

Over The Hill Hipster Hack

Jimi was useless in a fight.

Do It All Dad

On a head full of acid, you’d be less useful than Jimi’s fluffer. For his turn of spin the bottle of Southern Comfort with Janis during her puberty phase.

My father instructed our DJ to stop playing Jimi’s version of the Star Spangled Banner at our wedding in a sculpture garden outside of Woodstock. Fake news hippie, my dad’s lived in Arizona for 8 years and still hasn’t been to the Grand Canyon yet.

INT. HOME

Daughter

Dada’s snippy because he’s on Adderal.

Do It All Dad

No I’m snippy because I’m sick of being on sandwich detail for you kids 3 years in a row without any relief in sight. Mama working on warming up on the couch isn’t helping.

The only plausible assertion in the fake news Kavanaugh sexual assault story. Is that the only way he’d ever stick his penis in Ford’s direction is if someone shoved it into her general direction after a failed frat jerk on the couch prior.

Abortions just fell to their lowest rate since 1973. Sarah Silverman has made it easier for fat hipsters to just stay no. Especially, when they have to pull out early anyway from excessive meat sweats.

Aaron Sorkin declares Trump dumb again. Dude, you haven’t written an entertaining movie since A Few Good Men and without the Jack cameo, the movie ends up flatter than Ashton Kutcher after Demi got her botox on her drooping neck.

Kayne’s new album is Jesus Is King. Technically speaking, if Jesus is the real son of God, doesn’t that make him a Prince? Does God bequeath the throne to Jesus in the New Testament? Is Kayne making Bible free style alterations during his sermons?

According to the NY Times, poop shaming woman at work is a thing now. Hey Carol, light a match, use a Starbucks across the street from Duane Reade. Just don’t stink up the bathroom like you’ve been in and out of love with your husband for 9 years.

Michael Kornbluth

Uncomfortable Neverland Deniers

High School Cheerleaders in North Carolina are on probation for posing with a Trump 2020 banner because it made it certain classmates uncomfortable. Just when I thought hanging up an ISIS flag outside my house to scare away trick or treaters was a grand old idea.

Proof the NY Times is faker than you think. They’re posting ads for fact checkers on LinkedIn. The only requirement is to play make believe you’re confirming the truth. They posted a huge ad at UCB for willing participants.

INT. Gas Station

Do It All Dad

2 dollars for the Post now. You better blow me for this.

Bill Burr says it doesn’t look like anybody is going to beat Trump. That’s like saying it doesn’t look like Louie will ever wait to do a set the Cellar, even if he came out in a trench coat and sunglasses and Sarah Silverman’s hoodie to wipe up.

I’m sick of of hearing about Shane Gillis already. He’s a whatever schlub who derides all confessional comedy as fag humor. I’m sure George Carlin would’ve been made Gillis his daughter’s honorary Godfather if he were still alive.

Daughter warming my heart.

Daughter

But mommy never makes cookies.

Do It All Dad laughs long time.

Blog titles about eco-anxiety.

The Pope Recycles Pedophiles

Russia Collusion Burnout Doesn’t Count

When the Children Quote Salon

The EPA Is A Bloated, Albert Brooks

ANTIFA In Black Isn’t Sweating It

Hot Economy’s Are Good

Blog Titles About Bruce Lee Revisionist History

Brad Pitt Isn’t Kicking Kareem’s Ass

Tarantino Is A Wannabe Slater in True Romance

Bruce Lee Was A Licensed Killer

One Fingered Push Up Master

The Chinese Only Steal Secrets

INT. Yoga Studio-West Village, NYC

Owner

Russel, you make our A list model clientele run away.

Russel Simmons

Read my lisp. I didn’t rape any of those vengeful, over the hill ho’s.

Owner

It’s not like you’re in Neverland Denial.

Michael Kornbluth

Born To Make Funnier Children

Seinfeld is heading to Netflix in 2021. I hope half those proceeds are going to Larry’s kids.

My youngest comedy star on the rise.

2 Year old son lies down on the alphabet map.

2 Year Old Son
Me dead Dada.

Do It All Dad laughs long time.

INT. Arthur Avenue Pizzeria-NY

Daughter

Daddy, what’s the Godfather movie about?

Do It All Dad

The favorite son becoming a ruthless crime boss because he had to talk with cotton balls in his mouth for a whole year and leave the country only to have his fiance blown to pieces.

INT. Arthur Avenue Pizzeria-NY

Daughter

Daddy, what’s the Godfather movie about again?

Do It All Dad

It’s an advertorial warning for taking over the family’s waste removal business.

INT. Jaipore Royal Indian Cuisine

Daughter

I like chutney’s.

Do It All Dad

Baba used to make them from scratch before Trader Joe’s was invented. Or chose to adopt a rescue dog, 3 grandchildren later. Baby Samuel isn’t even sloppy thirds anymore.

INT. Home

Daughter

Did converting to Hinduism make John Coltrane a better tenor sax player?

Do It All Dad

Yes, just don’t listen to John Coltrane’s Africa 1st thing in the morning or your soothing morning meditation gains will be eliminated.

Trump questioning Obama’s Netflix deal. What does Obama know about show business? He can’t carry a show like me. How many social justice docs can he do? Some good the Wire did on HBO. Did David Simon pass prison reform Obama? Just checking.

Natural comedy stars on the rise.

Daughter

Daddy, I see your twin on the Netflix home screen. He’s tall and got a beard like you but but a skinnier face.

Son

I’m not a tough guy. I’m still whimpering.

INT. HOME

Daughter

Why does Vishnu want me be purified of all selfish desires? I want to break every horse jumping record.

Do It All Dad
Jessica Springsteen is a show jumping champion. Evil is saying, her face is nothing to nay about.

Michael Kornbluth

Melting Pots Of Diversity

Casseroles don’t have to be 100% American made. Although, adding mayo, a Paula Dean tip for added moisture works wonders. What’s Paula Dean’s new clothing line called, Plantation Nation?

God didn’t command, use Campbell’s cream of mushroom for family friendly casseroles only. Just like he never commanded us to bolster Obama’s resume for him. Make Michelle proud again and use an organic cream of mushroom brand instead.

Casseroles need more American cheesiness than you think. Understand, I’m not talking about Tim Allen, woman don’t appeal to me because they don’t know their way around a power tool the way I do. Shred your own blocks of Cabot cheese, alright.

Don’t half ass a Casserole or let your wife try to replicate your kitchen tested gooey dish of yummy dance sparking perfection. Or else, you’ll hate yourself for handing over your kid’s happiness to mama because expectations are the root of misery.

Casseroles shouldn’t be used for a mere frozen broccoli plop. Boil fresh Broccoli before blanching the bushy heads. Tell your kids Blanching is an ice bubble for Broccoli. It extracts the yuck, symbolizing mo money making good luck.

Use rigatoni over Penne for your cheesy casserole. It’s not a dish to count your calories for. And Penne is like anorexic rigatoni. It fails to deliver any semblance of big deal bite like any Nikki Glaser roast joke on Comedy Central.

Use meaty, sauteed pieces of Oyster Mushrooms in Maine made butter for your Asian American Casserole Drift. They’re more scrumptious tasting than Shiitake mushrooms and not as farm to table pricey woodsy as Chanterelle’s from France either.

So what makes my Asian American Casserole Drift a melting pot of diversity? Did Donna Reed use sauteed Oyster Mushrooms in her casserole? Before Martha Stewart became a lifestyle guru for single billionaire farmhouse fixer uppers in Bedford, NY.

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

Too Sensitive Abe

INT. Yonker’s Raceway

Talking Horse

Your resume is confetti for the next Yankee parade.

Do It All Dad

So you’re the HR Director I had a phone interview with already. I placed a guy at Southern Wine and Spirits. No idea he was black till I met him.
INT. DELI

Deli Guy
10.50.

Do It All Dad

You 3 Kids are cheap dates. You’re way better than the Southern Belle who dined on my homemade Linguini in a white clam sauce and pepperoncinis. Only to ask for leftovers to take home, stupid hick.

INT. DELI

Deli Guy

10.50.

Do It All Dad

You kids are cheap dates. You’re way better than the Southern Belle who dined on my homemade Linguini in a white clam sauce and pepperoncinis, only to ask for leftovers to take home. She lost all sex appeal for me on the spot.

INT. Bedroom

Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate & delusion.

Daughter

F Vishnu Dada. Rocky only beat Apollo because he was hungrier. He wanted more visciously.

Do It All Dad

Bernie Maddoff’s greed gave our people a bad name.

INT. Bedroom

Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate & delusion.

Daughter

I know you’re scared of mommy boring us to death and of a Nanny who will molest my gorgeous 2 brothers behind my back with you on the road getting your killer set act together already.

INT. Bedroom

Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate & delusion.

Daughter

But if you’re not fired up to shine and be the best of the rest when you’re an unfamous nobody. You’ll never know whether you were delusional in real life.

INT. Bedroom

Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate & delusion.

Daughter

If you don’t hate being a nobody, you wouldn’t be fired up over earning your Comedy Gold Porsche Mobile Dada. You’d know if you we’re a hack by now Dada.

INT. Bedroom

Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate and delusion.

Daughter

Obviously, Vishnu never bombed every mic 1 year in a row. But hating people for making you feel like a delusional hack strengthend your desire to kill Dada.

INT. POST OFFICE

Do It All Dad

Who takes up vaping in their thirties? My douchebag brother in law who took 7 years to never graduate college does. He’s like Van Wilder minus the rich Dad. Take up blunt rolling while you’re at it.

EXT. Home

Do It All Dad

You don’t hear me crying baby. And I’ve been on bum wipe detail for 8 years.

Bigger Brother

Because Matilda is 8 and you’ve been wiping our baby bums in rapid succession ever since. I totally get it Dada.

INT. Bedroom
Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate & delusion.

Daughter

Find a way to take Barnstorming Barbershop USA on the road Dada. What if you did a 2 person act with a Shetland Pony who identified with Akward Jews.

INT. LIBRARY

Library Lady

A baseball book. Do you like baseball daddy?

Do It All Dad

My daughter smacks Wiffle Balls against our House like Artie Lange in Little League when the smell of fresh cut crass and going yard was all you need.

INT. POST OFFICE

Do It All Dad

Who takes up vaping in their thirties? My douche bag brother in law who took 7 years to never graduate college does. He’s like Van Wilder minus the rich Dad. Why not dry hump your penis off for old time sake.

INT. LIBRARY

Library Lady

A baseball book. Do you like baseball daddy?

Do It All Dad

No, I just wrote an all star chapter addition to my rookie debut book, titled, Homers, Dunks and TKO’s because I’m a Cricket Zenophobe lady.

INT. LIBRARY

Library Lady

A baseball book. Do you like baseball daddy?

Do It All Dad Do I have ISIS Life tattooed on my fucking forehead?

INT. Home

Wife

Get a job or move out. I’ve sacrificed so much to support your alleged comedy career.

Do It All Dad

You act like a wannabe comedian in his late twenties wanted kids ever. Also, the kids need me around more than you fake feminist.

INT. DELI

2 Year Old Son

Penis, Penis.

Do It All Dad

Your push pop does operate like a penis with the woman’s prior consent, with a lawyer present to create a sworn affidavit documenting your super soaker agreement, that’s correct.

INT. LIBRARY

Library Lady

A baseball book. Do you like baseball daddy?

Do It All Dad

No, I just wrote an Eastbound and Down script Cooperstown Or Bust. Only to show my father I’m not a flaming fruitcake.

INT. Bedroom

Do It All Dad

Nirvana is extinction of 3 fires, greed, hate & delusion.

Daughter

You are a total laugh blowing slut Dada. Being so wild and free isn’t always such a good thing. Giving up on the delusion of Mama loosing all faith in you would help.

INT. Home (V.0)

Do It All Dad

If, “All good things are wild & free.” Then, why are my parents embarrassed about me being a stay at home dad? Whose written 2 books, done 124 podcasts. John Lennon wishes he was this productive during his stay at home dad years.

INT. Daughters Bedroom

Do It All Dad

According to this Religion Explained in 30 Seconds book. Hindus beleive our fate is determined by karma.

Daughter

What’s Karma?

Do It All Dad

Making the Comedy God Killu laugh long time because he gave me you kid.

INT. Fancy Supermarket

American Asian Fish Manager

Is that it?

Do It All Dad

Let me guess. You’re pissed at Andrew Yang for not boasting about knowing any working class Fish Mongers.

INT. Bar-Knob Creek-KY

Austin Gollaher

Honest Abe was also Too Sensitive Abe because he made me swear to never tell anyone I saved him from drowning when we’re kids coon hunting.

Do It All Dad

Because Abe hated being a worst swimmer than Frederick Douglass?

INT. Home

Daughter

Daddy, how has your life changed since you became a father?

Do It All Dad

I still give a shit about what LinkedIn thinks of me. Mimi and Papà gushed about Uncle John at his wedding despite my 3 kids to his zero. So not much actually.

Michael Kornbluth

Are White Rainbows Racist?

INT. Daughter’s Bedroom

Daughter

What’s meditation?

Do It All Dad

Breathing exercises done to make your self a more centered, less all over the place Jew.

Daughter

You’re not very good at meditation daddy. What’s your mantra, Dohh?

 

INT. Daughter’s Bedroom

Daughter

Daddy, you should join the PTA. What would happen if you did?

Do It All Dad

A bunch of local moms would fall in love with me.

Daughter

Do it then Daddy, do it.

Do It All Dad

I’m already indexed as a Homemaker on LinkedIn.

 

INT. Daughter’s Bedroom

Daughter

Daddy, are White Rainbows racist? Because I made a wish on your behalf. And I don’t want to offend Vishnu whose more hardcore Indian than Kal Penn.

Do It All Dad

You breath infinite sweetness kid.

 

INT. Daughter’s Bedroom

Daughter

Daddy, are White Rainbows racist? Because I made a wish on your behalf. And I don’t want to offend Vishnu whose more hardcore Indian than Kal Penn.

Do It All Dad

Were you reborn as my good luck guru?

 

INT. Daughter’s Bedroom

Daughter

Daddy, are White Rainbows racist? Because I made a wish on your behalf. And I don’t want to offend Vishnu whose more hardcore Indian than Kal Penn.

Do It All Dad

You make feel flush with Karma miles.

EXT. NORTH SALEM FARM

A film crew is shooting a remake of Black Beauty voiced by Angela Bassett.

Talking Horse

Extra work is demeaning, huh?

Do It All Dad

Nicollette Sheridan eyed fucked me on a mechanical bull on a shoot in Universal City for Desperate Housewives once.

 

EXT. HORSE STALL

Talking Horse

I read your book. I really identified with the chapter from From Upper Middle To Lower Deplorable.

Do It All Dad

Your parents are Cankle lovers to?

Talking Horse

I’m Hollywood Royalty. My dad starred in Xena the Warrior Princess.

INT. Yonker’s Raceway

Do It All Dad 500 hundred on Harlan Hauler.

Ticket Booth Guy

He’s a 50 to 1 long shot.

Do It All Dad

I sold off all my hair metal records my wife can’t stand anyway. Indy Rock music for troll massage parlors is my future now pal.

EXT. HORSE STALL-NORTH SALEM

Talking Horse

Your wife hates everything you love. Hair Metal guitar solos, scoring laughs, supporting Trump, your kids calling her boring over you, Adam Sandler films.

Do It All Dad

She’s forcing me to see Bjork in London.

 

EXT. Home

Daughter

Join the PTA, do an open mike in the city for old times sake, go to Yonkers Raceway with your new hippie friend Conner on Mushrooms. Funny men like you dada deserve some fun off your bum.

 

EXT. Home

Daughter

Join the PTA, do an open mike in the city for old times sake, go to Yonkers Raceway with your new hippie friend Conner on Mushrooms. Take a yoga class at Chelsea Piers. Move out of your comfort zone Do It All Dada.

EXT. Home

Daughter Join the PTA, do an open mike in the city for old times sake, go to Yonkers Raceway with your new hippie friend Conner on Mushrooms. Take a yoga class. Do It All Dad needs to do more than jokes dada.

EXT. Home

Daughter

Daddy, Billy Bob Thorton is shooting a new movie in North Salem. Stop horsing around with jokes you don’t have the time to do on stage. Billy Bob will give you some lines & a trailer so you stop bombarding the cast with material.

 

Lebron wanted to patent Taco Tuesday. So now he’s the Trump of multiculturalism? King of not knowing his lane, please.

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

Horsing Around With Hinduism

Inspired dialogue exchange for a pilot about a Talking Palomino horse I’m developing.

Do It All Dad

No more handouts.

Talking Horse

It’s not a handout if you didn’t ask for it. And I’m just giving you a tip on a horse who’s a sure thing in Santa Anita, alright.

Another inspired dialogue exchange for a pilot about a Talking Palomino horse I’m developing.

Do It All Dad

No more fun. My addiction to fun hasn’t been a profitable one yet.

Talking Horse

Just get off Adderall already. Focusing more your on your slimy ego is bad.

Daughter presents her friend ad to her 3rd Grade Teacher but makes the ad for her father instead of herself. Ad reads. New friend needed for my Daddy. Interests include writing, getting laughs, talking about ex-girlfriends and yelling at mommy. Teacher replies. I can recommend a good Equine Therapist to work on his anger control issues.

INT. HOME

Daughter

You always get angry at people if they demonize Trump Dada. We live in horse country, get a job at a horse farm to work on your ego control issues. They call it Equine Therapy. Write a about book about, Horsing Around With Hinduism. It’s money in the bank, daddy. Will buy our own horse farm with enough land for your Larry Bird basketball court Dada. You’ll never have to seek out a new family friendly venue for us to enjoy each other in public again.

INT. Horse Stall

Talking Horse

Write me a lead in All The Sensitive Horses. Will shoot in India. There you can’t get arrested for calling Valerie Jarrett Obama’s live in Arabian horse whisperer. Aren’t you also taking Yoga more seriously now? Well, enough stalling. Based on your all over the pace body language, I can tell your Chakras as a whole are more clogged than your freshman one hitter.

Do It All Dad

Write a hit horse movie for Bollywood, where hate speech police aren’t out to get me. I do need to pick a new race to win. Dice, John Stewart, all changed their Jewy sounding names for greater mass market appeal. But you can’t beat that billion dollar plus Hindu market baby. I’m coming out as a born again Hindu, end of story, oh. Do It All Dad Does Bollywood has a nice ring to it also.

Michael Kornbluth

Ride or Die Barbie’s

Hasbro the Toy Company just bought Death Row Records. Will Mr. Potato Head come with a bullet proof vest because he has enough missing organs already?

How did the CEO of Hasbro spin this acquisition to his board of directors? Cabbage Patch Kids need an urban brand refresh less elitist conjuring than Michelle’s Obama’s Kombucha liquid lunches.

Hasbro the toy company just bought Death Row Records, after buying Mattel which makes Barbie. The Tupac doll comes topless because your daughter will undress him in 2 seconds, anyway. Today Suge Knight declares from prison. Poetic Justice is served bitch.

Hasbro makes GI Joe action figures. But Suge Knight isn’t an American hero. He’s a convicted Crip who would make Cobra Commander fold his laundry after making him his gimpy bitch in the slammer.

I’m not joking. Hasbro the Toy Company just bought Death Row Records. It ain’t nothing but a hostile takeover of Snoop’s patented corn rows look for an urban refresh line of My Little Pony Got Booty Dolls.

Hasbro really bought Death Row Records after merging with Mattel. The new CEO of Hasbro is a closeted Trumpian. His mission statement for the company is F the PC Police. He offered Kayne West the job as Creative Play Officer.

Now that Hasbro is in bed with Death Row Records. Will Old English pay for product placement ads in Barbie The Rap Video Ho Star for Netflix?

I still can’t believe Hasbro just bought Death Row Records. How did the CEO of Hasbro spin this acquisition to his Board of Directors exactly again? Lincoln Logs are racist. Now we’re calling them Obama Logs. Trumpian board member replies. But Obama grew up under a tent village, studying the Koran in Kenya.

Hasbro really bought Death Row Records after merging with Mattel, who makes Barbie. Smart PR move, Hasbro, knowing Snoop’s brain hovers a notch below porn hood hell.

Michael Kornbluth