The COVID Joke Truth Serum

Kamala Harris is less popular than pantyhose on casual Zoom calls.

The COVID vaccine is so useless, not even George Steinbrenner would give Steve Howe’s degenerate younger brother back in the day another shot at big leagues pay.

The COVID vaccine is more useless than trying to snuggle your wife back into her good graces again.

The COVID vaccine has less magnetic power than the Elephant Man show room at Michael Jackson’s house.

The COVID vaccine is desperate for love like a stay home dad around his bi-annual visiting parents.

The COVID vaccine has an urgency problem. Unvaccinated people are in a greater rush to fly Spirit Airlines to Cancun.

The COVID vaccine offers zero ROI, besides fleeting self-satisfied smugness before you learn, it keeps COVID away less than wearing a mask at Obama’s 60th birthday.

The COVID vaccine is a bigger bust than Lebron on the Lakers without Uni Brow Davis to bail out the King of Taco Tuesdays at the Staples Center again.

The COVID vaccine offers less box office appeal for our Chinese master overlords than Shia Labeouf.

Big Brother is more into COVID control, than keeping you comfy and warm.

The COVID vaccine is like Courtney Love. You can’t trust that bitch’s integrity either, despite the album Live Through This being Billy Corgan’s finest work pre Mellon Collie Sadness.

Michael Kornbluth

Hardcore Beauty Queens

Fuck China. Chinese made Fentanyl has killed more crackers in this county than Taylor Swift kicking with Lena Dunham on Instagram. Lena Dunham was Hillary’s Social Media Campaign Manager when she ran against Trumpy Poo. Only Lena Dunham could make Hillary less likeable and relatable in one blubbery swoop.

Older woman with grey hair give me old school erections like I’m 21 again. I’m hot for old school maids sucking out my white priveledge like a battery drained Dust Buster on its last legs in 1999. Plus, you know they’ve been married for long stretches of time at some point resulting in them being open to try anything new like facial cream specials by a formidable meaty mallet, before washing up for a Zoom call at noon.

I still can’t get turned on by older woman talk at the pool about five month waiting periods for private school. Mainly because I doubt those schools resemble the Girl School video by Briteny Fox. Plus, talk of private school waiting list, just reminds me how long my wife has been waiting for me make it as comedian already because I’m still so broke, my Hebrew name is under Judicial review. I still can’t stare down an actress on Melrose without being fined for insufficient funds.

Tom Petty died from Fentanyl. They say he used Fentanyl for his back problems. Why couldn’t Tom Petty sit his ass on a piano bench which was more than sufficient whenever Jerry Lee would pound the keys with his cock with resounding, reverberating authority instead. How else do you think he came up the lyrics, Great Balls of Fire?”

I think more shrinks should prescribe edibles over anti-depressants. One, gives you a mentally tingly lift. The other turns you into a school shooter on the FBI’s Most Neglected List.

I still can’t believe recreational weed shops actually exist in our country. It makes me proud to be an American again, in a place where I know I’m free to take edibles behind my kid’s backs before they unmask my pot head eyes.

Weed edibles don’t make me feel like a total moron around my daughter whenever she asks me a super hard question on them like, “Daddy, if God created the universe, then who created God?” I say, “God went back in time in a time machine made by Elon Musk. ” Daughter says, “That’s a really convincing theory Dad. Thanks for turning me to an atheist at 4.” David Cross lives, holla, thank you very much.

Moms who obsess over suntan protection are the same ones who insist on their kids wearing masks inside like Michael Jackson’s kids on holiday in Bahrain. Wearing a mask in your car is like the God of War Aries wearing a tunic dress into a Greek Spa to conceal what a raging homo he is underneath.

Suntan protection shaming today is another shining example virtue signaling. Look at me, I’m willing to blind my own kid before that bitchy old sun get’s gives my kid some extra soul glow 1st.

I’m reaching out to Christian Lit agents, pitching my book, The Koshertarian Comedian, stating, “You’re my only option left because I’m the last God fearing, self-loving Jewish New Yorker left. Who doesn’t shy away from pro Trump material either like Trump’s the anti-Christ? But doesn’t Jesus’ return from Heaven to defeat the Anti-Christ in the Bible part 2? So have some faith in the Jesus comeback story, won’t you people? I actually had to Google Anti-Christ to figure out what it meant. That’s what Pig Vomit calls Howard Stern in Private Parts before he came out as weird, weak, woke Howard. So at the time, I thought how bad could the Anti-Christ be? Then again, I don’t think Howard lost any sleep over Artie turning his nose into a piece of fucking folded Capicola. After he got remarried to Beth, who’s a 6.9 by ghoulish tranny standards, who has zero feel for measured makeup application whatsoever. Weird, Weak Howard also insists all Trump supporters drop dead. Whatever it takes Howard, to ensure you still get invited over to Jimmy Kimmel’s house for more 2 bite chicken parm dinners. It’s not Trump’s fault, you’re no longer the King of All Media or Social Media ever. If you haven’t been kicked off Twitter, you’re no longer hardcore hilarious enough sorry Perm Head. Can I get a holla, for mo money mint weird weak Howard blast for the ages, Challah? Thank you very much.

Daughter sports a new tang top this morning that says, “Grateful” on it. Wife says, “Doesn’t she look like hardcore hippie in it?” I say, “I prefer to call her a hardcore beauty queen in the making babe. She doesn’t care for the Fleet Foxes, Bjork or that other band you like the Mask Miserable Seals.

The other day, my son says, “I jammed this lime up my butt.” I said, “Don’t jam limes up your butt.” He says, “Why not? I rubbed it against my penis to and it felt good.” I reply, “I better keep you away from dad’s Key Lime pie for dessert.”

Perfect father son, bonding moment. Son says, “Are you picking us up from camp today?” I said, “Yes.” He says, “That’s good, because I get to see more of you then. And we get to listen to bad ass music on the car ride home. And my wife thinks Hair Metal is rock and roll pollution. But Bjork having a band member pouring cups of water into a koi pond for a watered down drum of solo doesn’t stink.

The other night I’m tucking my daughter in and say “Hardcore Hilarious Rocks” is one of my strongest comedy records yet. My act outs of Joy Behar in Muslim virgin heaven and as Kay announcing to Michael about being pregnant with a hermaphrodite son in my bit the Gender Fluid Godfather are some of my strongest act out bits yet. Daughter says, “So you’re better at playing at girls daddy?” I say, “I don’t call myself a stay-at home shemale comedian for nothing.”

Wife pulls a dildo out of her panty drawer and says, “Do you want it?” I say, “Save for it for Samuel. He’s already jamming limes up his butt. So, at this point, what difference does it make.” Hillary Hammer Time Cankles lives, holla, thank you very much.

Weed dealer bud calls and says he’s going to Mexico for vacation this summer. I say, “Last time I went to Tijuana, a hooker called me faggot after I declined to fuck her which was an uplifting moment at the time. Later, a woman who I thought was a regular customer gave me a 2 second lap dance and I exploded in my sweats 2 seconds later. So, I no longer felt like a full-fledged faggot, which was a pleasant change of my pace. Once, I went to a strip club in Montreal and tipped the DJ fifty bucks to play the 22- minute Whipping Post version from the Allman Brothers record, live at The Filmore East. I’m a craftier, greedier Jew than I give myself credit for actually.   

Wife can’t get enough of the new soft core porn series on Netflix Sex/Life. She showed me the picture of this Aussie hunk naked who could’ve gone jump roping with it flaccid. All this time at home has given has given stuck at home, remote learning monitoring suburban moms never-ending schlocky schlong fever.

Told my weed dealer bud about getting up on stage again recently and how I started bombing once I went after Hillary Hammer Time Cankles. On stage I say, “Hillary says she lost because of Russian collusion. I thought she lost because she’s an unhuggable cunt, my bad. She must have deleted that memo to. My wife had a Hillary spotting for lunch during restaurant week in this garden patio spot in Westchester. Wife says, “Hillary was nice. She smiled at baby. I said, “Of course she smiled at baby. Hillary was getting warmed for up for dessert.”

Michael Kornbluth

Flinch Club

We need to knock on doors to get people vaccinated. And Trumpy Poo was the fascist dictator in charge who launched biological warfare on his own precious economy. I hate the Biden administration more than Jen Psaki’s Strawberry Shortcake White House, house-warming gift for Mr. Groper, like it was nicotine gum to quell his cravings around inhaling her whole in the Oval Office with the lights turned down low. Bob Marley lives, holla, thank you very much.

The Tokyo Olympics will be held without spectators like the NBA Finals, without Drama Queen Diaries.

My 4-year-old son hits me in the stomach as I encourage him to do so, until I have zero beer belly protrude-age left to hit. My father sitting next to us on the lawn chair says, “Don’t hit your daddy.” I say, “It’s ok Dad, I’m teaching him to be a fighter, not a flincher.” My dad says, “Fine, but don’t hit me Samuel or I’ll hit back.” Typical, Democrat reply, “Threaten and attempt to intimidate those deemed smaller in stature than you. Personally, I think my 4-year-old son could break pop’s glasses in 2 if he tried. The kid flicks 5-pound free weights with ease like they were pistachio nut shells flicked at Andy Dick’s head at the Viper Room passed out 2 hours before the ball drop on New Year’s Eve.”  Heaven for my 4-year-old son is watching Rocky training montage sequences on YouTube with Daddy on the big screen TV. Next time my dad, tries to disparage good news about Christian lit agents sucking off my pitch letter or “very funny” sample chapter samples from The Koshterian Comedian by saying, “Who cares?” My little fighter will say to Gramps, “You tried knocking Daddy down, why don’t you try knocking me down. Daddy, calls me Hardcore Hunga for a reason, go for it.” Rocky 5 lives. Can I get a holla for more some more primo Gen X references Gen X Dads understand, challah? Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Land Of Land O’ Lakes

Our state of the union is like Stephen Colbert’s handle on funny these days, shaky. It’s too bad Bill O’Reilly is no longer important enough to impersonate. At least Bill O’Reilly gave Colbert gave gravitas. Only 1 million out of 350 million Americans even watch Colbert on a nightly basis. So, if I offended half a million people with that joke while making fun of 2 activist mouthpiece idols on both sides of the American evangelist divide, then you can go woke yourselves to. I created the material in United We Laugh for you and the millions, and millions, who think The Rock is guilty of cultural appropriation for exploiting the Rocky franchise name for its worth. Has the Rocky statue been taken down yet because it promotes white supremacy? Jokes like this is what make me a Shadowbanned Comedian. What’s a Shadowed Comedian? A comedian social media can’t stand because they dare to take a stand against bullshit narratives like Thug Lives Matter Most, that sort of thing. Then, you get banned from Twitter for claiming the Chinse have resisted Wuhan lab leak investigations more than AquaFresh. Or you cancel your Facebook account all together, because you’re sick of Good Will Hoodie shutting down accounts of scientists and doctors who promote Hydroxychloroquine, who don’t ascribe to the absolute dictum, In Fuck Face Fauci We Trust, no matter what. Or you cancel your Facebook account because you’re no longer thrilled with the idea of your retired parents spying on your life from afar knowing the site has turned baby boomers into the laziest, most hands-off grandparent generation of all time. Lifting a finger is liking a pic of their grandkids, assuming they’re not hugging flags on Main Street or without their stay-at-home comedian father in it, wiping up with the Sunday New York Times after Taco Tuesday night. More specifically, a Shadowbanned Comedian might as well be a Chinese comedian because his freedom of speech isn’t protected by Zit Face Zuck, or from Twitter Twat CEO Jark Doresy or from Cling On cheesy incarnate Jeff Bezos, who’s guilty of sending dick picks to. And I thought Alexa farting on demand for my kids was the death of small talk. Actually, I hear Bezos packs a formidable bulge. At the same time, his new lover used to be married to ultra-yoked out, Hall of Famer Tight End Tony Gonzalez. So happy denting AJAX man. And there’s no way Jeff Bezos tastes good, Ben Shapiro included. Amazon bans certain books for so called hate speech violations yet has no problem selling Mein Kamph. Who narrates the audio version of Mein Kamph, Edward Norton? His participation can remain anonymous. The NY Times only unmasks ICE Agent home addresses to ANTIFA because homeland security was so, Weapons of Mass Destruction Years. Write a book critical of critical race theory and you’re banned from making a living selling books on Amazon forever. Write a spirit cooking book for gender fluid pedophiles and the editorial gatekeepers at Amazon will lick it up, oh, oh, oh. Kiss lives. Can I get a holla for some Challah? For more jokes Gen X Dads understand and beyond, thank you very much.  Amazon says their online bookstore has no room for hate, but Mein Kampf is 720 pages of hate speech in a row, in spastic spitting German on Crystal Meth no less, which sounds twice as mass murderish, compared to Dr. Fauci, AKA, Dr. Gnochi, complaining about the right-wing media attacks on him for lying to congress about financing Gain of Function research in Wuhan, which only increases the transmissibility of the virus, no big deal. The politicization of the virus, that killed off our kids age of innocence faster than Sam Kinson giving Drew Barrymore his coke dealer’s number at Comedy Store on a slow Tuesday is.

Some real deep, smart guy once said, “Laughter is sound of comprehension.” Because for the joke to get laugh, you typically agree with the funny point or humorous phrased outcome in it. I’m putting this book out there to prove that we can still find more common ground to agree on the more laughs we make, regardless of how controversial certain topics appear to be, that have ruined dinner parties for all parties for the foreseeable future. United We Laugh is my olive branch to help our country recover from our endlessly divisive, grandstanding ways by focusing on real evil targets like Hamas who doesn’t do nuance, last time I checked. Again, the word controversy means to cause a disagreement. My intention is to prove how we can unite through laughter through jokes about aspects of controversial topics, most can agree upon. For those frowny faces who oppose, let the triggered twat tweets of rage begin, USA, USA.

Gun Control

They don’t have school shootings in Israel because the teachers are all ex-military who know how to handle firearms responsibly like real life Hebrew Hammers. Also, guns don’t kill people if the FBI actually had a school shooting quota to fulfill, as if their pensions, book deals or shooting the shit time with Jack Tapper on CNN were riding on it.  The FBI should be banned from Starbucks if they don’t follow up on the next school shooter lead. Coffee should be for closers, not for fake news do good posers in FBI windbreakers.  David Mamet lives. Can I get a holla for some Challah? Thank you very much.

Global Warming

I don’t sweat Global Warming because Al Gore’s film career has cooled considerably.


Planned Parenthood is an oxymoron, don’t you think? Nobody plans to cut off their connection to God or shrug off maternal waves, if Karen’s romantic prospects and job options don’t feel pregnant with life improving topping possibility after graduating from Kenyon college with a degree in Frumpy Feminism either.

White Supremacy

I don’t see Ernie on TNT claiming he’s got bigger ups than Barkley after housing a Tomahawk Chop for 2.   

Charter Schools

The kids will be taught to hate Israel’s right to defend itself in college eventually anyway. So, like Hillary Hammer Time Cankles says, “What difference does it make?” I also love school uniforms that Charter Schools require. Because you feel like you’re getting dressed up for a more important job to do than getting stoned 1st thing in the AM to even shitter rap music to boot. Plus, it’s hard to feel like a slacker stoner in Khakis devoid of any dreamy ambition in life either.

Universal Healthcare

If it guarantees my kids won’t have to wait in line behind 500,000 dreamers in the ER, Then, it’s all Bueno Holmes.

Marijuana Legalization

I know New York City wants nothing to do with celebrating white privilege these days. But the Big Apple isn’t Detroit yet either. So, can the city maintain the allure of Manhattan remaining a high-end tourist destination that doesn’t reek of shit weed everywhere you go? Have the new mayor sign an exclusive distribution agreement with Mike Tyson’s Knockout Weed Ranch in Northern California, something.

Universal Income

Like Boston singer songwriter guitar wiz, Tom Schultz sings in Peace of Mind, “People living in competition, all I want is to have my piece of pie.”  And a lit agent that can locate their ball sack for me sometime this century. So, they can put their inner Ari Gold to work, sell the film rights to my books The Great American Jew Novel and Waste of Height, Really Short Stories. When they’re not scoring me a comedy record holding deal from Atlantic Records, after they hear my Burning Mask Party comedy record demo to kick off their 4th of July party in the Cape, draped in Vineyard Vines, dressed for new success, assuming their balls are bigger than Mike Love’s Beach Balls for thinking Brian Wilson is more non-essential than he is.

I love my Land Of Land O’ Lakes, which gave birth to the likes of Brian Wilson, Anthony Bourdain, Miles Davis and The Allman Brothers. All of these American made success stories that stretch from the Sunshine state to New York Island, with soul shine sparkly light, made you proud to be an American, in a place where you no longer feel so free. Unless you’re a feckless, Canadian cunt like Samantha Bee. Dr. Seuss lives. Can I get a holla for some Challah? Thank you very much

Michael Kornbluth

The Poor Sport From Dicks

Kids learn bad habits from dad but not according to an out of shape, late middle aged sales rep for Dick’s Sporting Goods in Danbury, CT. I’m about to buy a boxing bag for my kids and say, “Kids learn bad habits from Dad. That’s why I wasted my youth on smoking cigarettes and watching the Knicks stink up the joint year after year. The dick headed defiant sales rep from Dicks who was no younger than 70, whose body was no temple of fitness either replies, “That’s not true, because my dad smoked cigarettes and I was an athlete. My kids are athletes to.” I say, “So your sons forced you to work at Dicks for their employee store discount? Also, what sport did you letter in because being an all around dick doesn’t count? Because if you didn’t smoke, why should I give a shit about your kids being considéréd athletes either? Unless, your athlete sons earned sports scholarships to prove white man’s disease doesn’t matter because they can drain jumpers with their eyes closed. I’m not too interested in your motivational coach assessment abilities bud, sorry.”

Michael Kornbluth

Moving On Out To Russia

I’m moving on out to Russia. You don’t have to worry about Global Warming blather from the local news. Putin defending the use of fracking wouldn’t cause a pussy riot online either. Putin trolls Greta Thunberg and tweets, @GreatThunberg, Fracking actually reduces CO2 emissions. Furry Brow tweets back, “So Neil Young is full of shit now?” Putin showcases a flash of Trumpian wit and fires back with “Neil Young doesn’t take showers to reduce his carbon footprint. So that much, you share in common babe. Why doesn’t Global Warming scare me Greta? Because Al Gore’s speaker has considerably cooled.”

Russians can still take a joke. Trump has ties to Russia. Duh, what mail order bride owner doesn’t? Plus, like the great Russian novelists such as Fyodor Dostoevsky, I prefer my comedy like my coffee, dark and bitter.

Also, you know BLM wouldn’t be allowed to harass patrons dining al fresco in St. Petersburg while slurping up some more Caviar soup. Putin’s so tough, he could snap your neck by just staring at it topless on a horse in the country.

Like Honest Abe said, “I’d rather live in Russia than in a place that lives under the pretense of loving liberty”, the way America does today. But Biden wants our family members and neighbors to rat out Trump supporters over white supremacist concerns because we don’t live by the creed, In Fuck Face Fauci We Trust. Nor are we inclined to believe in objective science anymore, after learning how every past prominent scientist in this country decried the Wuhan lab leak has a conspiracy theory because they didn’t want to be branded as a fake news white supremacist like the rest.

Putin actually said the name of the unarmed, American veteran Ashley Babbitt who was shot in cold blood in the Capital Building after the Stop The Steal Rally, which is more than Trumpy Poo ever mustered the courage to do.

Putin poisons his political opponents. Well, that’s better than pushing a non FDA approved vaccine on your Trump hater supporters that’s leading to more complications than election fraud audit reveals in the great free state of Arizona.

Putin poisons his political opponents. Like doxing ICE agents, immigrants from El Salvador who speak to the NY Times about MS-13, or any moms on Facebook who dare to criticize critical race theory as race divisive bullshit is any different?

Putin poisons his political opponents. Big deal, the blowhard dullard hack would’ve gotten liver cancer at some point anyway. I bet you Putin doesn’t have a fuck up druggie son who creamed in his dead brother’s wife seconds after the cremation ensued. Plus, Putin would never allow the drug cartels from Mexico or communist killers from China to push more Fentanyl through our southern border, that’s killed more crackers in this country than Taylor Swift kicking it with Lena Dunham on Instagram.

Russian journalists today know more about nationalistic pride than terrorist siding pieces of shit liars at the NY times. Who shamelessly pushed golden showers tales about Trump and Russian hookers with less legs than Lieutenant Dan. Plus, no Russian Journalist would ever be dumb enough to believe Trump hired a couple of Russian Hookers to pee on each other at his hotel room in St. Petersburg because he’s a notorious Germaphobe. Especially knowing how Trump could hire a bunch of Ivanka lookalikes to pee on each other at his Trump International Hotel in Washington D.C, whenever he likes. I’m also positive Melania can talk dirty to him in Slovenian whenever, wherever, wearing nothing but a mink hat from Spies Like Us.

Hate filled leftist retards don’t exist in Russia and would never feel morally exalted over anybody by breathlessly slinging endless bullshit enshrouded lies about election interference by the Russians, that made Drago pop out of various voting booths in predominately blue states, issuing life or death ultimatums such as, “Vote Trump or I’ll break you. If you die, it’s your fault for not believing in Holograms.”

Russia would never allow the construction of a George Floyd statue to prove thug lives matter. Especially when 2 billion dollars worth of property damage, and thousands of businesses destroyed for 6 months straight was designed to scare the Supreme Court to ever rule in the favor of law and order ever again.

Last, Billy Joel is the 1st to crowd surf at a concert in Russia before Eddie Vedder ever did. I’m not saying you can’t find a better country than Russia. But America is light years from acheiving Nirvana ever again. Wake me whenever this neverending shit show ends.

Michael Kornbluth

My Son Is Going To Trade School

I hate run-on sentence critics. It’s not my fault your slow and can’t keep up with my gender fluid flow.

Critical Race Theory is bullshit. Guaranteed money in the NBA, regardless of injury, is so oppressive.

The Muslim Sisterhood in congress don’t have an issue amplifying their voices in America either Jack.

Howard Beal was killed in the movie Network over lousy ratings. CNN’s worst nightmare come true.

British accents are unwelcome intrusive like Boris Johnson’s wife staring in my general direction.

Does Triple AAA offer ANTIFA roadblock assistance because the Proud Boys will do it free of charge?

Night screams mean you care about living. Or else you wouldn’t be afraid of dying before making it.

New York will come back, but everybody has left, except Free Palestine protestors and The Halal Guys.

Forcing kids to wear muzzles is wrong. Boris Johnson’s wife at the G-7 summit, not so much.

Jill Biden is a tacky, small town ho. Biden wears her panty hose when he can’t find his mask.

Masks are the new condoms only because I can’t cum in my wife wearing one either. 

99 percent of people survive COVID yet Fuck Face Fauci, AKA, Dr. Gnocchi pushed endless lockdowns and triple masking of our kids while acting as if COVID depresses your immune system more than entry into the Dallas Buyers Club.

Hydroxychloroquine can increase your survival rate by 200 percent. What’s up with that study Doc?

Still, Dr. Fauci used his power to block the use of it. He’s Dr. Kevorkian in reverse.

Biden is donating thousands of free COVID vaccines to Africa like a poor man’s Bill Gates who can’t code for shit either.

Sanctuary cities is encouraged lawlessness on crack.

1 kid only means, your diaphragm is for walls after all.

I’m against unlimited immigration because I’m not a proud member of the rapist enablement party.

If calling Baby Face Omar, a Jihad loving runt cunt, makes me alt-right, then I’m alright with that.

Where were you when Fox stopped counting the ballots? Thanking God JFK didn’t die for nothing. Yeah, me to.

IBM made technology to identify Jews for Nazis. Watson Supercomputer says, “No Sherlock.”

My mom texts me Happy Father’s Day on the wrong day. Her happiness for me knows no bounds.

Boris Johnson’s wife, woof, woof needs water breaks, not my son 2 minutes into basketball practice.

My wife wants me to get COVID to say, “You should’ve worn a mask going down on MAGA mom.”

Trump Won signs at MLB is my new favorite America pastime, after telling Lebron to go woke himself.

The Mueller Report court hearing proved what again? Mueller parts his hair with gritty, elbow grease.

Did Drago pop out of your voting booth and demand, “Vote Trump or I’ll break you.”

When the Statue of Liberty went dark. I bet DeBalsio forgot to pay the Con Ed Bill on time again.

I hate the term helping others unless you’re applying for a job that says help wanted.

Maintaining relationships is overrated among those who think Mr. Groper won by a hair alone.

My son is going to trade school to become a landscape artist. Because NYC will have to start from Ground Zero at this rate. Or he could become a furniture designer within his own private studio and avoid charges of sexual harassment because he’ll design his own state of the art safe space for jerking off. Or he could become programmer and work remote unlike those software engineers who were charged with sexual harassment pre-COVID, despite them leaving the impression that they were too busy banging out new code to hit on girls anyway. Plus, I thought only ugly girls went to coding boot camp. Also, don’t programmers wear those yenta breath noise canceling headphones at work for a reason. Last, the typical Pearl script command isn’t, “Massage my carpel tunnel ho.”

My daughter’s 4th grade teacher just made her classroom writer tutor. Parenting matters to.

Michael Kornbluth

Going For Comedy Gold

If you name your son Hudson or Bowie it means you’re less original than your BLM flag planter neighbors within the snuggle soft confines of Westchester County. How many black friends do you have again? How many black girls did you bang before you become a defeated, slut in a straight jacket like the rest? Oh yeah, you only watch CNN for finance news since Trump got fired from the CIA. Yeah, and my mom only watches Real Time With Bill Maher for her bible study group after she converted to Judaism.

I’ve given up on trying to bond with an alumni from Ithaca College if I see them wearing a school sweater because they never lost that freshman 20 after all. The main reason why I avoid the encounters with Ithaca Alumni is because I’ve lost all tolerance for these people treating me like a resurgent herpes sore on the spot. Without fail, the random Ithaca alumni will give me this stupefied stare which screams, “Tell me why I should give a shit about our imaginary alumni connection already? If you went to Cornell, I’d care about who you can introduce me to on LinkedIn. I don’t care that you were in the Roy. H. Park School of Communications. Ithaca’s still Cornell’s retarded next door neighbor. But you were a communication major who can suck down a bong hit and not stutter every other 2 seconds, whoopty, freaking do.”

This is my impression of Dr. Dre discussing the merger between Microsoft and LinkedIn with Eminem. Hey Slim, Microsoft paid 4.5 billion for LinkedIN. Worddddddddd! LinkedIn is lamer than ever yoh.

My wife had a Hillary spotting during lunch with our baby boy. She claims Hillary was nice, adding “She even waived to Samuel. I said, “Of course she did. Hillary was getting warmed up for desert.”

I live in horse country close to nearby North Salem, so my mother signed my daughter up for some horse ridding lessons. Daughter says, “Everyone is friendly here.” I said, “Everyone here shits gold. They should be perpetually giddy come rain or shine.” I think this fairly young rider there flirts with me through riding her steed like she wants to break my joy stick in 2. Or maybe I’m just a sexually repressed stay at home comedian who needs to get out of the house more often.

Why do Jews still vote Democrat? Baby Boomers can’t admit when they’re wrong. Baby Boomer arrogance never dies. Because of Kent State, they want to abolish the National Guard forever. They thought the Black Panthers were on their side to.

4 out of 10 Democrats blame Israel for claiming ancestral connections to so many Nobel Prize winners like Jonas Salk. Who discovered the Vaccine for Polio, only to give it away for free like so many of those other Apartheid ruling Hitler wannabes.

Free Palestine. You’d think it was a breeding ground for future Nelson Mandela’s to clean up at Model UN.

Israelis are baby killers. So blow up a Planned Parenthood you’ll most likely Uber to, if you’re so concerned. Holla, thank you very much.

Israel is the problem. How many Palestinians are being hunted and assaulted with knifes, rocks, firebombs and UN financed missiles by Israelis who only serve in the military because they fucking have to, morons?

Fascist or racist, how is that even up for debate anymore, all the above Democrats? A white cop just got fired in Idaho for making fun of Lebron on Tik Tok. I don’t call him King of the Persecution Complex for nothing. And reverse racism against whites, Jews and Asians in this country is in full force more than ever before. Oh no he didn’t, yes I did. Holla, thank you very much.

Prince Harry thinks freedom of speech should be curtailed to curb enthusiasm over bashing balding Archie on Twitter. God forbid, you make fun of his uppity, zero gravitas exuding, spoiled rotten wife. Oh yeah, she contemplated suicide when she was pregnant with her lifetime fucking meal ticket on the line. Yeah, and Prince Harry dressed up as Hitler for Halloween like a poor man’s Charlie Chaplin to perfect the human race with a willing Heidi Klum by his bedside.

Bill Gates dismissing Melinda Gates at work. Program the pearl script command, massage my carpel tunnel, ho, you busted ass bitch. Fetch me a pea protein burger if you’re not busy stockpiling more stock.

Chris Rock says people are afraid to talk these days and comedy is sucking because of it. BLM is really shaking in their boots at the latest Toastmaster International meeting through Zoom Chris. Plus, did you ever consider comedy sucking today because all the established biggies like yourself, have become nothing more than establishment sell out propagandists for the rape enablement party like the rest?

Joe Biden’s hate crime engagement director recommends Jews stop showing off their Jewishness to avoid more hate crimes. Fine, I’ll whip out my smart phone to calculate the tip on a 20 dollar Pastrami sandwich at Katz to throw off Jewish headhunters on the prowl from Palestinian Terrorists Are Us. Holla, thank you very much.

I leave a grocery store with my mask off. A guy passes me and asks, “Are masks mandatory in there? I say, “I always take mine off immediately. Only dumb fucking alumni from Ithaca wear masks outside. It’s Cornell’s retarded next door neighbor for a reason.” Holla, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth