Less Garbage Lines

What’s up with black guys sporting masks outside of Whole Foods in Scottsdale, Arizona?

Yolanda yells, “Wear the damn mask.”

Black guy says, “Are black Karens in Arizona even a thing?”

Yolanda yells back, “I used to live in Ridgefield, CT, motherfucker”  

Challah, thank you very much.

Fuck Jerry West for crying about his depiction in Showtime on HBO.

Your life hasn’t been blessed enough Jerry?

Deep down, what he really hates is how it reminds everyone how he made it to the NBA finals 10 times and only won once while having Elgin Baylor and Wilt Chamberlin on his side. That’s a worst losing percentage than Hillary, every time she nominates herself for Woman of The Year despite it being the drunken druid edition or not.

And fuck Kareem for bitching about his sour puss depiction in Showtime on HBO. Airplane Cameo or not, Kareem is less likeable than Hillary Hammer Time Cankles on the rag out of Chardonay again with Whole Foods closed for Easter. At least, Hillary pretends to smile for the cameras despite the umbilical cord smoothie ripping apart her innards during a slow DNC fundraising month.

And fuck Magic for going on talk shows, bragging about not bothering to see the Showtime Lakers show on HBO as if it’s beneath him like wearing condoms since he made HIV disappear. But Magic had no problem taking a smile happy pic with the Governor of California, Gavin Getko at the Rams playoff game. Despite the sunshine scurrying state descending into a sprawling tent city sponsored by REI. But seriously, why does Magic sweat the prospect of watching the show about his showtime Lakers on HBO so much? You’d think the big cliff hanger was finding the cookie jar where Cookie hides Magic’s HIV pill suppressor stash if he’s caught scoring his brown sugar fix outside his Bel Air estate again.

And fuck Will Ferrell for ending his lifetime friendship with Adam McKay because he casted John C. Reily to play Dr. Buss over the dad in the Lego Movie. Dr. Buss was a major pussy hound in real life, which I don’t see Will Ferrell pulling off as well after seeing a pic of his wife once. And I thought Boris Johson’s wife, required a mask on at all times, woof, woof. Shit, Dr. Buss used to share girls with Magic. But Will Ferrell won’t share a bungalow editing suite with Adam McKay anymore because he cut his precious ego in 2, boo-hoo.

And what’s up with black guys tagging buildings with Swastika’s in Manhattan these days? Adolph Eichman could never leap a building in a single bound, like Nate the Great. Assuming, that building was a tall stiff in the post season like Dwight Howard.

But seriously, black guys tagging buildings with Swatika’s in Manhattan makes no sense. Are these brothers still educating themselves on Hitler? Let me drop some knowledge bombs. The founder of Planned Parenthood, a major eugenics enthusiast, was Hitler’s divine inspiration to launch his master extermination party in the 1st place genius. And Five Percenters weren’t escaping Hitler’s final cut from his dream team Aryan squad, regardless of your God blessed killer flow on 36 Chambers, Wu Tang, Wu Tang, Challah. Thank you very much.

Plus, Nick Cannon, hip hop royalty, I think, has singled out Planned Parenthood on 97.1 with Funk Master Flex for killing off more future high risers than white man’s disease and smokable cocaine, otherwise known as crack, most likely developed by a Nazi Scientist for the Deep State, as a part of their own final solution to ensure the poor don’t get on up to jack shit. That 2-state Kill “Em All solution, Metallica lives, being kill off poor blacks with crack and poor whites with meth. And if that doesn’t get the job done. Unleash the MAGA bat from Wuhan to finish off the rest. Challah, thank you very much.

But seriously, black guys tagging buildings in Manhattan with Swastikas is beyond ass backwards. That’s like Cardi B pretending her chicken nugget stuffed snatch is superior tasting to slurping German resiling all up in Hedi Klum’s innards to break your fast for Yom Kippur.

Imagine Guardian Angel Curtis Silwa catching a black dude tag another building with a swastika in Manhattan while trying to drop knowledge about what the swastika really means.

Curtis Silwa says, “Look, Curtis Blow, did you know the swastika was a Hindu symbol originally?”

Fake News Curtis Blow says, “What the fuck is a Hindu symbol?”

Curtis Silwa says, “Just think elephants with more dicks coming out it it’s ears than Cardi B on a slow Tuesday. Personally, I always thought the Swastika looked like 2 stick figures doing a 69 on crystal meth.”

Fake News Curtis Blow says, “You better back the fuck up fast, I ain’t no faggot. And what kind of fruity cap are you wearing anyway?”

Curtis Silva says,” It’s a beret. My father was a Green Beret in World 2, who was a Nazi destroyer in real life unlike those tweaked out wannabe punisher vigilantes in hoodies in ANTIFA. So, when you put a swastika on a building in Jew York, it offends the memory of my pops Curtis Blow.”

Fake News Curtis Blow says, “Why the fuck do you keep on calling me Curtis Blow?”

Curtis Silva says, “Curtis Blow was the 1st rapper to sign with a major record label from the Bronx, the birth of hip hop and condescending Jews, who expect immediate fawned upon service and guaranteed discounts on Mozzarella sticks while trying to impress his grandchildren at another mediocre restaurant in Scottsdale, Arizona, during Happy Hour.”

Fake News Curtis Blow laughs and says, “I don’t know what condescending means. But I can see how were more on the same team than apart.”

Curtis Silva extends his hand out and say, “Don’t keep me hanging, give me some love.”

Fake News Curtis Blow obliges and gives the legendary founding member of the Guardian Angels a semi firm, warm high five in return.

Curtis Silva says, “Look, if you really want to do some next level tagging shit, I’d start making your own logos, which aren’t culturally appropriated from Hindu Swami’s, English punk rockers and tweaked out Nazi’s, who make Hunter Biden come off a serial slack underachiever in comparison, Kapeesh.”

Less garbage lines, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Off The List Museums

Taking down the Teddy Rosevelt statue outside the Museum of Natural History is bad enough, especially knowing how I named my 3rd child Samuel Teddy Kornbluth. Now, Kyrie Irving can play home games at the Barclay’s Center, but I can’t take my kids to the Met without them sporting a Monet mask on either.

Cump Dumpster Queens like Cardi B can teach kids about making facials great again as a form of money shot birth control to a bunch of 2nd graders at Bronx Science, since they loosened their admission standards for rap ho guest speakers to. But let’s mask up our kids on class trips like Michael Jackson’s kids on holiday in Bahrain till their voices crack under their ball gag muzzles made in China, because the CDC, FDA, WHO, and Hunter’s Art Dealer in Wuhan, already painted COVID as the scariest virus imaginable on par with entry into the Dalla’s Buyer’s Club while smashing their age of innocence into ancient ruins. So, at this point, what difference does it make? Hillary Hammer Time Cankles strikes again, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Dangerous 3rd Grader Minds

3rd grader hipster spawn reared on Lou Reed records in Park Slope, Brooklyn says, “Mr. Gay, I know beastality isn’t exclusive to gay teachers like yourself according to Dr. Kinsey’s book Sexual Behavior in the Human Male, whose hard data studies suggests how men’s sexual histories are gay, dull, or completely full of shit all together. But what I’m wondering about today is why aren’t Mooses getting top billing in Beastablity flicks over horses? And you thought Meatloaf being excluded in the Oscars 2022 Memoriam after 43 million records sold was a slap in the face. I went on Youtube thinking Northern Exposure was an independent film parody of Midnight Cowboy, directed by John Waters, about a Moose who flashes for money in Times Square movie houses in the seventies when Peter Frampton came alive all over your daughter’s face. Divine already ate shit in Pink Flamingo’s in 1972, so she he sporting antler regalia, while sporting a replica of a John Holmes moose link dick isn’t too far flung of a concept to wrap your head around is it Teach? Also did you know that antler growth is based on testosterone levels? Yeah, I’m not getting any sustained stiffage with Scarlett Johansen as the voice of Alexa who sounds like she’s between estrogen throat blocker treatments either.”

3rd Grade Teacher, Mr. Gay says, “Retirement can’t come soon enough. Lucky for me, Florida is flush with anti-aging clinics, grooming schools are us, not so much anymore, Disney’s new theme park attraction, Land Of 3rd Legged Beauties, excluded. Challah, 2 Live Crew lives, being funny enough naughty as I want to be, Challah! Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Almost 50 Guitar Store Licks

Let me guess, you got up this morning and got yourself a personality, not. Anthrax lives, Challah, thank you very much.

Named my kid Arthur Morrison Kornbluth, which is a miracle because I created an actual flow to Kornbluth. Before he was born, I say to my wife, “Babe, were going to nickname him The Art Show.” Big sis tenses, already sensing his latent mojo rising and says, “No it’s my show.” I say, “I’m sensing blood in the streets of Scarsdale Village.” Peace Frog Morrison lives, Challah, thank you very much.

Actually, wanted to give the middle name Brooks to my son in honor of Albert Brooks, but I changed my mind because I didn’t want to give my son the permission to be a Jewish pussy.

Mom says, “I’m not in favor of my grandson taking Kung Fu.” I say, “Mom stop being. intentionally political annoying. We call can’t be seasoned sharp shooters like Kyle Rittenhouse who refuse to let mob rule while being attacked by pedophile members of ANTIFA like their weekly insurrection stipend from George Soros and Klaus Schwab are riding it on for failing to their monthly destructor quota. Also, mom what do you even mean when you claim to be against your grandson learning Kung Fu? He’s the handsomest kid in class, so he’s going to piss off jealous boyfriends like a bunch of mini–Jack Lamotta’s in the making from Raging Bull. Granted, Superman today is more into banging Faries into the futon couch while coming up from behind faster than a speeding bullet, but you get the gist. Also, mom Kung Fu was adopted by Chinese Farmers as a form of self-defense against Chinese war lords with no other intent but raping and pillaging their rapidly fleeting sense of security and welfare the way any good member of the Democrat party post has done pos COVID under the guise of the common good throughout our current land of decrepit, Democrat run deterioration. Last, what alternative would you prefer your grandson learning as an effective form of self-defense earlier than later ma? Becoming a rageful wannabe comedian at 45 with 3 kids to feed and marriage to uphold together who wrecks Everlast bag chains at home from decade’s worth of pent-up range for ever allowing himself to be pushover putzy in the 1st place, not that dad nudged to me change course ever prior. Of course, the moment I do find a means to fight back against hurls of disrespect and invective from old friends and family members regarding my chosen path to deliver hardcore hilarity for a living through the art of punching back through comedic righting song, you insist I throw in the towel because you invested all your hopes and dreams in your preferred son of choice, despite him possessing no discernable talent outside guilting you into breaking out in canker sores again because he’s pining for the days when he could afford more blow to impress his friends while only hearing only last call from the bathroom stall, got it.”

It’s hard to maintain your composure at the Guitar Store when the employee there treats your presence among your 3 kids with nothing but sneering disdain for purchasing First 50 Pop Hits Should You Play on the Piano. Meanwhile, I bet this snob rock putz was the 1st in line to see the Foo Fighters who insisted on playing to vaccinated only audience at MSG throughout his ever-long, far from dreamy, perpetually downer weepy, air-grounded, edgeless life.

Is that it? Oh, 50 Pop hits doesn’t do it for you Jack Black Light? Like you’d ever get your wife pregnant by mistake again, just so you could name your kid Zappa Zevon Kornbluth, excitable boy, you’re not. Actually, on second thought, Zappa Zevon Kornbluth is beginning to sound to overtly imposed pretentious on par with Bowie Hudson Kornbluth, so I’m thinking about going with Live At Leeds Kornbluth instead, Who lives, middle aged waste land, Challah. Thank you very much.

Is that it? Yeah, Lou Reed tried to charge Billy Idol for the privilege of recording with him, so you can go woke yourself to, Sweet Jane.

Is that it? It’s not my fault you’ve failed to achieve commercial success in life yet asshole. Prove that your anti-establishment enough to get kicked of Twitter for being a Wuhan Lab Leaker truther comedian and I’ll give a shit about whatever purported slaying soul you possess as the second coming of Buckethead, bore breath Brett. But I’m positive you possess a more beautiful play soul than twinkle toes Rhodes.

Is that it? What, All of Me by John Legend doesn’t do it for you? His wife’s scrunchie face doesn’t do it for me either, but at least he graduated UPenn before Ivanka did.

How to Save A Life by Adele isn’t on my playlist either. Nor was I ever into that song before she discovered the Keto Diet after Jenna Jamison did, I’m assuming. What was that original hit of her’s, “You Could’ve Had It All? You mean all your 300 pounds of you Mary Ploppins, even after the Keto Diet materialized in your favor, what a country.

I Knew You Were Trouble By Taylor Swift never gave you sustained stiffage either? But her lollipop lick them up legs have nothing to hide like Coroner reports on triple vaxed, famous performers.

Million Reasons by Lada Gaga has to give you a minor chubby bud. Gaga rocked when she sang Moth Into Flame with Metalica during the Grammy’s or did your pussy shrivel up and die after they came out with the Black Album to?

Roar by Katy Perry has to get you a tad titillated just based on the video of her nipple launcher bra alone. I get it, I’m with my 3 kids right now, all alone, and you’re thinking. Somebody’s got their hands full. If I get my own TV show one day called Better Than Boobie, the 1st ever father son cooking show, where we review homemade dishes that were either double fisters or yuck yuckers. And my wife finally agrees to an open marriage with Katy Perry, then my hands will be full.”

The Scientist by Cold Play isn’t about Fuck Face Fauci, so does that trigger you sense of moral superiority for still standing by Neil Young for protesting against Spotify for allowing a podcast interview with Dr. Malone, only the inventor the MRNA gene therapy used in the COVID vaccine who claims it work less than Frank Zappa did on doing less smug filled crowd work for a change like a wannabe Lenny Bruce minus the punchlines because he feared being branded as a Republican knowing his drug spurning stance outside of getting off his vanity vagina for recording every fart whisperer freak feast he ever recorded in Joe’s Garage, Challah. Mothers Of More Annoying Innovations lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

At the very least, you must like Rihanna’s song Stay right? Despite Dave Chapelle’s claims about her big ass forehead begging to be caught in the middle of another furious one 2 combo roundhouse by Chris Brown for overextending her stay in the car after insisting they listen to her chart-topping hits on 97.1 instead.

Still, I’m not getting the sense you jerk off to the most beautiful woman in the world, Beyonce, according to People Magazine, despite her uglier side emerging when she refused to stand for the National Anthem during the Superbowl because Demi Lovato reminded her too much of the white privileged version of Albama Shakes, Jeff Ross with bigger Jew balls, lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Almost 50 Guitar Store Licks

Let me guess, you got up this morning and got yourself a personality, not. Anthrax lives, Challah, thank you very much.

Named my kid Arthur Morrison Kornbluth, which is a miracle because I created an actual flow to Kornbluth. Before he was born, I say to my wife, “Babe, were going to nickname him The Art Show.” Big sis tenses, already sensing his latent mojo rising and says, “No it’s my show.” I say, “I’m sensing blood in the streets of Scarsdale Village.” Peace Frog Morrison lives, Challah, thank you very much.

Actually, wanted to give the middle name Brooks to my son in honor of Albert Brooks, but I changed my mind because I didn’t want to give my son the permission to be a Jewish pussy.

Mom says, “I’m not in favor of my grandson taking Kung Fu.” I say, “Mom stop being. intentionally political annoying. We call can’t be seasoned sharp shooters like Kyle Rittenhouse who refuse to let mob rule while being attacked by pedophile members of ANTIFA like their weekly insurrection stipend from George Soros and Klaus Schwab are riding it on for failing to their monthly destructor quota. Also, mom what do you even mean when you claim to be against your grandson learning Kung Fu? He’s the handsomest kid in class, so he’s going to piss off jealous boyfriends like a bunch of mini–Jack Lamotta’s in the making from Raging Bull. Granted, Superman today is more into banging Faries into the futon couch while coming up from behind faster than a speeding bullet, but you get the gist. Also, mom Kung Fu was adopted by Chinese Farmers as a form of self-defense against Chinese war lords with no other intent but raping and pillaging their rapidly fleeting sense of security and welfare the way any good member of the Democrat party post has done pos COVID under the guise of the common good throughout our current land of decrepit, Democrat run deterioration. Last, what alternative would you prefer your grandson learning as an effective form of self-defense earlier than later ma? Becoming a rageful wannabe comedian at 45 with 3 kids to feed and marriage to uphold together who wrecks Everlast bag chains at home from decade’s worth of pent-up range for ever allowing himself to be pushover putzy in the 1st place, not that dad nudged to me change course ever prior. Of course, the moment I do find a means to fight back against hurls of disrespect and invective from old friends and family members regarding my chosen path to deliver hardcore hilarity for a living through the art of punching back through comedic righting song, you insist I throw in the towel because you invested all your hopes and dreams in your preferred son of choice, despite him possessing no discernable talent outside guilting you into breaking out in canker sores again because he’s pining for the days when he could afford more blow to impress his friends while only hearing only last call from the bathroom stall, got it.”

It’s hard to maintain your composure at the Guitar Store when the employee there treats your presence among your 3 kids with nothing but sneering disdain for purchasing First 50 Pop Hits Should You Play on the Piano. Meanwhile, I bet this snob rock putz was the 1st in line to see the Foo Fighters who insisted on playing to vaccinated only audience at MSG throughout his ever-long, far from dreamy, perpetually downer weepy, air-grounded, edgeless life.

Is that it? Oh, 50 Pop hits doesn’t do it for you Jack Black Light? Like you’d ever get your wife pregnant by mistake again, just so you could name your kid Zappa Zevon Kornbluth, excitable boy, you’re not. Actually, on second thought, Zappa Zevon Kornbluth is beginning to sound to overtly imposed pretentious on par with Bowie Hudson Kornbluth, so I’m thinking about going with Live At Leeds Kornbluth instead, Who lives, middle aged waste land, Challah. Thank you very much.

Is that it? Yeah, Lou Reed tried to charge Billy Idol for the privilege of recording with him, so you can go woke yourself to, Sweet Jane.

Is that it? It’s not my fault you’ve failed to achieve commercial success in life yet asshole. Prove that your anti-establishment enough to get kicked of Twitter for being a Wuhan Lab Leaker truther comedian and I’ll give a shit about whatever purported slaying soul you possess as the second coming of Buckethead, bore breath Brett. But I’m positive you possess a more beautiful play soul than twinkle toes Rhodes.

Is that it? What, All of Me by John Legend doesn’t do it for you? His wife’s scrunchie face doesn’t do it for me either, but at least he graduated UPenn before Ivanka did.

How to Save A Life by Adele isn’t on my playlist either. Nor was I ever into that song before she discovered the Keto Diet after Jenna Jamison did, I’m assuming. What was that original hit of her’s, “You Could’ve Had It All? You mean all your 300 pounds of you Mary Ploppins, even after the Keto Diet materialized in your favor, what a country.

I Knew You Were Trouble By Taylor Swift never gave you sustained stiffage either? But her lollipop lick them up legs have nothing to hide like Coroner reports on triple vaxed, famous performers.

Million Reasons by Lada Gaga has to give you a minor chubby bud. Gaga rocked when she sang Moth Into Flame with Metalica during the Grammy’s or did your pussy shrivel up and die after they came out with the Black Album to?

Roar by Katy Perry has to get you a tad titillated just based on the video of her nipple launcher bra alone. I get it, I’m with my 3 kids right now, all alone, and you’re thinking. Somebody’s got their hands full. If I get my own TV show one day called Better Than Boobie, the 1st ever father son cooking show, where we review homemade dishes that were either double fisters or yuck yuckers. And my wife finally agrees to an open marriage with Katy Perry, then my hands will be full.”

The Scientist by Cold Play isn’t about Fuck Face Fauci, so does that trigger you sense of moral superiority for still standing by Neil Young for protesting against Spotify for allowing a podcast interview with Dr. Malone, only the inventor the MRNA gene therapy used in the COVID vaccine who claims it work less than Frank Zappa did on doing less smug filled crowd work for a change like a wannabe Lenny Bruce minus the punchlines because he feared being branded as a Republican knowing his drug spurning stance outside of getting off his vanity vagina for recording every fart whisperer freak feast he ever recorded in Joe’s Garage, Challah. Mothers Of More Annoying Innovations lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

At the very least, you must like Rihanna’s song Stay right? Despite Dave Chapelle’s claims about her big ass forehead begging to be caught in the middle of another furious one 2 combo roundhouse by Chris Brown for overextending her stay in the car after insisting they listen to her chart-topping hits on 97.1 instead.

Still, I’m not getting the sense you jerk off to the most beautiful woman in the world, Beyonce, according to People Magazine, despite her uglier side emerging when she refused to stand for the National Anthem during the Superbowl because Demi Lovato reminded her too much of the white privileged version of Albama Shakes, Jeff Ross with bigger Jew balls, lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

The Gen X Comedian

I like coffee like my comedy, dark and bitter.

Nirvana didn’t kill Hair Metal. Aids did, before Magic made HIV disappear.

Courtney Love is Mia Farrow with better husband selection.

I want to get my wife pregnant by mistake again. Just, so I can name my kid Zevon Zappa Kornbluth.

According to Wine Advocate, Snoop Dog’s Merlot, tastes like mouthwash used in Porn Hood Hell.

Russell Simmons addressing rape allegations with Gayle King. Read my lisp, I didn’t rape any, of those vengeful, over the hill hos.

My daughter finally got breast buds. Wife says, “She’s the last person in her class to get them. I said, “Then why have your buds taken so long to sprout?” Titty shaming jokes are too offensive for your taste? Then, go woke yourself to, Challah. Thank you very much.

Book Store Worker says, “Are you in our system?” I say, “All of a sudden, I feel like a registered sex offender. And being busted with a Woody Allen’s autobiography in my hands isn’t helping. For what it’s worth, I’ve only allowed my daughter to watch Woody Allen films that came pre-Soon-Yi like Crimes and Misdemeanors, the Early Years, Challah, thank you very much. At the same time, I only expose my daughter to Michael Jackson music that came out pre-Jackson 5 to ensure my pedophile playlist stance is black and white. Book Store Worker laughs long time, Challah. Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Buckets Of Challahs

Edgeless comedy blows.

Reason to forsake Adderall. When you take it long enough in a row, it feels like a burnt-out devil is stuck in your head, intent on stealing your time, soul and brain from its intended form forever.

Yesterday, I sensed a lit agent being a smug prick in declining an offer of representation for my book The Koshertarian Comedian. So, I check his Twitter feed, which includes a retweet about Melania failing at defeating cyberbullying with a screen shot of her husband’s suspended account. So, just to fuck with him back, I email, “Fuck your fake news sincerity. Trump won. But keep thinking Mr. Groper got more votes than Trump or Obama Be Good ever did. Which is like claiming DMX gave up weed for catnip during Lent. DMX lives. Yonker’s is getting black as shit up in here Challah, thank you very much.

If you’re still concerned about catching COVID, then just admit your precious vaccine works less than Jared Kushner does on his tan, when he’s got Ivanka to do whenever she talks dirty to him in Mandarin on his birthday again, resuming her role as Christina Tightcoochie, otherwise known as Jewess Who Swallows. 2 seconds later, Jared Kushner blows a follow-up load for 2 minutes straight into her pearly white face and says, The Russians are coming, the Russians are coming. Hide your borscht soup recipe for Passover or we’re screwed Trumpy Goo.” Can I get a holla for some money blasting Challahs? Killer With A Cause, Challah, thank you very much.

The new mayor of NY consulted the mayor of Chicago, lead maker of blood controlling kits in our country, on how to tackle crime better than the cast of 21 Jump Street without Johnny Depp willing to resume his FBI informant role in Donnie Brosco Does BLM Busts The Most for anything less than 50 million in bitcoin and all the cases of Chateau Margaux Keith Richards can drink.

How can the mayor of NY tackle crime better? Why not, condemn Jussie Smollett for trying to incite a race war on Obama Be Good’s behalf and say to the NY media, “Deplorable is anyone who’s glad Jussie Smollett took a shot.”  At least it’s a start.

What’s a woman? 2 tits, a hole and a heartbeat, right? Next question. Nancy Denture Breath Pelosi needs a working heart for an actual heart transplant, so she’s off the to do list, Challah. Thank you very much.

What’s the science behind exempting the Mets 1st baseman from getting the clot shot over 1st responders who ran into the Second Tower without sweating the prospecting of catching an itchy esophagus? Gold Gloves matter most.

What’s the science behind discharging Marines who refuse to take the clot shot? Fuck Face Fauci is my friend, no matter what. Who cares if the DOD database says COVID vaccine shots cause a 300 increase in miscarriages? Court packing the Supreme Court with pizza partying throwing pedophile sympathizers means those kids would’ve been in breathing distance of early release child predators anyway.

The Don’t Say Gay bill will kill kids? Yeah, like Rolling Stone Magazine refraining from calling Michael Jackson gay killed off his age of innocence ruining terror like a smooth criminal. What would Michael Jackson say in his defense against all his Never Land accusers today Rolling Stone? All the Beatles royalty points in the world can’t buy me love.

Am I the only one who doesn’t think it’s kosher for the kindergarten teacher in Billy Madison to be teaching my kids about masturbation just yet? What can Veronica Vaughn add to that conversation that Do It All Dad can’t?  When your Pete Sampras, you can pick out any ball girl you like. And you don’t have to play with yourself anymore like you do with your GI-Joe figures.

In Kentucky they offer self-pleasure workshops for toddlers, which is fitting I guess, when finger food down there is considered anything that tastes like your cousin’s panties. Those same self-pleasure workshops offer hands on lessons on simulating masturbation called Giving Up Blow For Blow Painting to get off instead by Hunter Biden, AKA Sir Snort A Lot, whose done hearing last call from the bathroom stall at Molly Malone’s while his biker bud extras from the Sons of Anarchy yell, “Where’s Hunter? Who else is going to pay for this shit?”

My daughter has ruined Jello for me by saying, “It’s made of horse bones daddy.” So, I got back at and her said, “Linzer Tart cookies are made out of Unicorn Periods.”

It’s hard to keep the Tooth Fairy story alive when you blank on putting money under your daughter’s pillow again. Daughter says, “Daddy, is the Tooth Fairy even real? I say, “The Rock slept in for a change alright.”

Why would my mom think my brother’s ex-wife would return her diamond engagement ring after he expunged her inner light forever? That’s like giving a girl HIV unintentionally but expecting her to return the Lexington Steel replica dildo used to fuck her over and help seal the deal with.

Just learned that Zelensky had his 2 kids baptized. So, calling Zelensky Jewish is like calling Jihadi John Jewish, just saying. Which reminds me, ISIS aren’t good recruiters. They just hit on lonely virgins on What’s App, who wish their phones blew up. And a 2-state solution is inconceivable if the Muslim Brotherhood in the struggle keep fucking. Also, why are Jihadists in general so into deflowering virgins? Don’t these divine powered angels of light have enough bloods on their hands already?

My mom focuses way too much on my 11-year-old daughter’s legs, who go on for miles and miles. Granted, her hips already hit the ceiling. Still, doing my best Trump impersonation while judging my daughter’s statuesque figure in the making feels more off wrong than Kosher right for me but I’ll try anyway.  She’s Miss New York material for sure mom. So, clap your hands for the next Miss America but Trump keep your hands up where I see them. All of a sudden, I feel like I’m conducting a Zoom call with Jefferey Toobin at CNN for Drag Queen Reading Hour Appreciation Day.

I’m opposed to Drag Queen Reading hour, because fluorescent library lights don’t look flattering on anybody, especially on a poor man’s Marilyn Manson impersonator.

Why should I side with my great Aunt who fired her maid of 20 years for refusing to wear mask while cleaning her toilets? I’d prefer to take the maid out to lunch at Russ & Daughters and offer her all the smoked salmon platters she wants for sticking to her guns.

You know gas is expensive when 10 dollars isn’t enough to last you through smoking a half a pinner.

People Magazine is blaming blood clots on unhealthy diets now. Then, why is Raphael Nadal complaining of sudden chest pains? He abstains from gluten and from following the herd mentality. Wait a minute, that’s Djokovic, my bad.

How can you say sentences for child rapists are too harsh? 80 percent of the prison population wouldn’t be in there if they weren’t fucked over by some parental figure in one capacity or another. The arc of justice has gone straight to hell if Americans defend any Supreme Court Justice nominee pick who plays the opposition research Pete Townshend card while defending hand slapping punishment against pedophilia, when Joe from Scranton clicked on Soapybottomsnothingtoseehereatmoveon.org. Alex Jones lives, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Trucking To Zion

“Daddy, Jews for Mormonism doesn’t make any sense. So why are you converting to Mormonism again? Is it because you hate your people since you got fired from your intern blogger position for The Times of Israel for insisting China has resisted Wuhan lab investigations more than AquaFresh?, Little Samuel says. Do It All Dad takes his right hand off the steering wheel of his giant rig renamed Misinformation Machine and rubs his son’s head and says, “Your mother has a younger brother in Utah who’s a high ranking, Generation Z preacher of the Mormon Church, who with a little convincing, can grant me a religious exemption for the COVID vaccination after I convert. Then, I won’t have to worry about the fake news vaccine shot killing me more than the prospect of receiving a career consultation from LinkedIn ever again, my chest. This is an impersonation of Dr. Dre telling Eminem about Microsoft paying 4.5 billion for LinkedIn. Eminem says,” Worrddddddddd, LinkedIn, is lamer than ever yoh!” Thank God, I trusted my gut, cut myself off from Mimi and Papa and got my trucker License instead.”

Little Samuel says, “I’ll always be on your team to make more comedy records daddy, because more comedy records for you is more comedy records for me, moron Son. When will you record comedy record 91, putzy moron butt carrots?” You’re taking forever already. Mama wouldn’t want you to put the brakes on your comedian career on my behalf, not that it hasn’t stopped you before, but you get the gist Boozy Beer Daddy.” Do It All Dad gets a tad misty, overwhelmed with a surge of heart aching emotion and says, “Her dreamy blond looks live through you kid, which should help bolster our case when we ask her Mormon brother Blair Rittenhouse Square The 3rd to give us that religious exemption after he converts me to Mormonism. How can you not get big love in Utah kid? One time, a MILF bum rushed you at the supermarket when you were only 2 and says, “When you get older, you’ll have 3 girlfriends to juggle.” And I said, “If James Woods had this kid’s face, your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.”

Little Samuel says, “Do most mommies die of heart attacks at 42 Daddy?” Do It All Dad says, “Not unless they’re employed by the WWE kid. Mama died from the COVID clot shot and she didn’t have the strained heart I had from all the cocaine I did in my twenties throughout my thirties, only hearing last call from the bathroom stall while yelling, “Where’s Hunter?” Who is else is going to pay for this shit? Shit, we’re running low on gas. You know the routine Samuel. Money equals freedom and we can’t make it to Utah if we don’t sell some bumper stickers fast. The GPS says there’s a Shell station in 1.2 miles, we should have enough to make it. Still not banking on Obama Be Good lickers like Dave Chapelle getting his cousins Trump voiced GPS systems for Kwanza. On your far left, is Mohegan Sun, Elizabeth Warren’s home away from home. Now, grab the COVID Damage Done bumper stickers and get ready to sell with divine powered authority like Kevin Hart’s agent in convincing Universal Studio’s anyone who calls him a poor man’s Eddie isn’t a jealous hater, just a short on laughs spectator.”

Little Samuel approaches a Karen type going to the bathroom at the Shell station and says, “Hi, can I interest you in a bumper sticker to support the Freedom Trucker Convoy, called COVID Damage Done?” Karen says, “Is that supposed to be a stupid Neil Young reference kid?” As far as I’m concerned you can’t vaccinate kids young enough. Thank God New York state doesn’t allow you to attend Pre-K without wearing a mask on. Wear the damn mask kid, they still work. Do It All Dad interjects, “Hey Karen, why don’t you suck the hate speech and white privilege out of my chosen person schlong first. Consider it elongated love. Pretend Justin Trudeau ordered you to leak it.” A group of truckers overhear the commotion and crack up in unison. One of the truckers raises his voice among the deafening shriek of laughter and says, “I’ll take 100 bumper stickers kid.”

Do It All Dad and Little Samuel arrive at Zion National Park to have a moment with God before plowing forward with the Do It All Dad Does Mormonism pitch to his dead wife’s brother preacher. Do It All Dad says, “God, I’m half a fag, so the polygamy thing isn’t that much a driving force behind my decision to forsake my Jewish side for Mormonism. Plus, most Mormons voted for Mitt Romney, so their judge of good character is questionable at best. The exalted, all-knowing Mitt called Trump the Anti-Christ for Christ’s sake. But in the Bible part 2, Jesus returns from heaven to defeat the Anti-Christ. So have some faith, in the Jesus comeback story, won’t you, people?” Little Samuel says, “Does this mean you’re not converting to Mormonism now Dad?” Do It All Dads beams with divine powered light and says, “Looks like it doesn’t kid. How many bumper stickers do we have left?” Samuel says, “We got 52” and one hardcore hilarious joker.” Do It All Dad says, “That should be enough gas money to get us to Vegas. There’s a new Stand-Up Comedy Festival there called, “Seriously Clowning”, the winning comedian gets 25 grand and a co-hosting audition for the Russell Brand’s podcast. I’ll take those odds kid.” Little Samuel looks up to his cherished, Dear Dada and says “You’re going to kill them Daddy, you’re going to kill them. Don’t forget to open with your bit about me confusing Grandma for Kurt Cobain on the TV, which isn’t the most flattering look.” Do It All Dad says, “Nirvana didn’t kill Hair Metal, Aids did, before Magic Made HIV disappear. Courtney Love is Mia Farrow with better husband selection. If Kurt Cobain killed himself at the height of his popularity, then Woody Allen just got a book advance from Random House on a book about hands off parenting, called Crimes and Misdemeanors, The Early Years. I miss Trump’s relentless optimism and over the top salesmanship. If Trump was stabbed with the deep state needle used to take out Easy E, he’d tweet the next morning on whatever hate speech platform he’s allowed to rumble on next, “Do I have HIV? Yes, but my t-cell count numbers have never been stronger. Can I get a holla for some Challah? Mongoloid Moron lives, running on schtick till the end of the time and I feel fine, Challah. Thank you very much.”

Michael Kornbluth