Bono’s World of Confusion

I can’t live with or without you? What the fuck is Bono talking about exactly? Some ex who swallowed but grazed from time to time.

I can’t live with or without you sounds like Bono singing about Brexit. Assuming, he cares about leaving a London behind for his kids minus the acid attacks and hate speech police, which would’ve thrown his God Bukowski in jail for calling Dylan overrated.

INT. HOME

Wife

What do you think of my Brazilian Blowout?

Do It All Dad

It would be hotter if you adorned your head with a Peacock feathered headband and a bedazzled g-string, assuming we met at Mardi Gras before banging out 3 kids together.

INT: PARKING GARAGE-NYC

Garage Guy

I have to charge you fifteen dollars extra because your car takes up so much space.

Do It All Dad

It’s a regular size SUV, just tell me child tax breaks don’t apply in New York City ever.

15 dollars extra for the SUV. But Planned Parenthood get’s public funding for killing off future fossil fuel consumers. Let’s write it off as a robotic, automated, white privilege tax then.

They should rename the Great Hill in Central Park to an abandoned putting green on the upper part of Central Park, where cat ladies roam.

Trump cancels meeting with the Taliban. Because a decade worth of non-stop violent aggression against non-aggressors only concedes terrorism will never end from them until the Taliban stop fucking.

Sean Penn wrote a novel about Trump not winning the presidency again called Hope Bullshit Floats Sam.

Not surprised one bit, the sampling of jokes I’ve read from the Alec Baldwin roast translates to Jeff Ross and Carolla being the actual hilarious comedians in that room among all the lesser, hacks in attendance.

Jeff Ross roasting Alec Baldwin. Kim Basinger hates Alec Baldwin so much, she’s willing to audition for the remake of the Coal Miner’s Daughter. Then, Trump can boast, “I made Kim beautiful with a bunch of shit on her face.

EXT. Central Park-NYC

Do It All Dad

Is this your Lemonade Stand?

Manhattan Dad

But it’s for a private birthday party.

Do It All Dad

But you can only afford to have a birthday party in an open border park open to all. I thought your daughter could use some new shoelace money, my bad.

INT. TARGET

Boy

Barbie.

Do It All Dad

You’ll have ample opportunity to play with real life Barbies when you get older. Dada already plans on stuffing your back pack in junior high with pre-poundage consent release forms.

Random Grandma laughs long time.

Linda Sarsour endorsing Bernie for president. I know a self-hating Jew when I see one. I’m the face of moderate Islam because I grew up in Brooklyn remember? I’m surprised he doesn’t demonize his domineering mother more than Israel if you ask me.

Michael Kornbluth

Better Than Boobie

1st conclusion about making homemade Spicy Banana Bread. The faster I’m done beating the batter, the faster I can beat my race against my asshole turning into a Rainbow emitting glory hole.

INT. HOME

Do It All Dad

Is the Banana Bread better than boobie?

2 Year Old Chef Samuels

Yeah.

Do It All Dad

Warming it up helps. Cold Banana Bread tastes like damp, semi defrosted cereal.

Another conclusion from making homemade Spicy Banana Bread. Your wife gives non-mushy praise. “You’ve already baked something better than your mom ever did.” I reply, “That’s like saying your mom writes better texts than me. And she’s an emotionally retarded expressionist.”

More sexualized conclusions about making Spicy Banana Bread. Served warm, it does taste better than boobie, especially when the husband samples the nips for old time sake, forgetting they now taste like a regrettable non fat-latte.

More conclusions from making Spicy Banana Bread. I wouldn’t consider Ginger a spice, unless I’m going down on Lindsay Lohan with a gas mask on.

INT. HOME

Do It All Dad

What do you think?

Wife

Why did you refrigerate the banana bread?

Do It All Dad

Because limp yuckiness tastes superior to gooey warmness filling your mouth whole.

Wife

Gross, you’re such a passive aggressive perv.

Other health conscious conclusions from making homemade Spicy Banana Bread. When you make it with part Greek Yogurt, you’ve already served your kids their bare minimum dose of protein. My daughter does 5 one armed pushed ups after and blurts. Not enough protein America.

My Jewish paranoid conclusion from making homemade Spicy Banana Bread.

I’d be accused of hate speech on the Great British Bake Off for calling my British born mother in law anti-Semitic for never making me a Sponge Cake for my birthday. We bake Matzo with gentile baby blood because the Matzo isn’t flavorless enough already.

Final conclusion on making homemade spiced banana bread. A Loaf Pan needed to make it is totally worth the purchase. It’s lightweight, compact and easy to stick in the cabinet without your house of pans tumbling down on top of your vagina.

Michael Kornbluth

My Daughter Identifies As Hindu

Chicago police investigated Jussie Smollet’s hate hoax too vigorously. What did they do? Google MAGA country. Interrogate Jussie about his personal business. Describe your casting couch scene with Lee Daniels. You wouldn’t cross that line, how precious.

Sasha Obama breaking the ice with her roommate at the University of Michigan in their dorm room for freshman orientation.

I get high with my dad. On it, he sounds like a fake news deep, biracial, Bob Marley.

Sasha’s roommate from yenta breath country in Long Island replies.

Yeah, so why haven’t you grown into your mom’s shoulder pads yet? Did your strict almond smoothie diet stunt your growth in the White House? I don’t get it. You’re not going to put up a signed Rolling Stone cover of the squad over my Fab Five one are you?

AOC claims millennials are willing to puncture more taboos than previous generations such as likening border detention facilities to accelerated death camps for starters. The showers in Auschwitz were used for more than lice removal babe.

AOC also claims millennials are more willing to have conversations older generations don’t. You know like whether Henry David Thoreau’s was a lesser poet than Chuck D despite both having supportive mama’s. Who raised them around trees instead of fire escapes.

Wife calls after just leaving for work.

Wife

How are you guys doing?

Do It All Dad

The kids are no longer crying for your attention. But the pizza you made is yummy. Can I go back to enjoying it again because you already feel my annoyance?

INT. HOME

Son

Matilda took a dump on the floor.

Do It All Dad

Maybe, she was impersonating a blacked out Sam Kinison. Either way, leave me alone, clean it up and stop making my alleged break from parenting you a total shit show.

INT. HOME-AM

Baby

Mama, mama.

Do It All Dad

There’s nothing mama can’t do that the Wonder Pets can’t do better. Wonder Pets save the Rat Pack baby. Vince Vaughn ain’t got shit on me.

My daughter’s way more sensitive to her baby brother’s moaning than I am. Baby cries Mama. And she starts praying to Vishnu, to put her baby brother’s spirit in touch with Mama, when she’s at work. So I can get inspired to write Hebrew or Hindu?, already.

Proof your son believes in you winning. Dada, I see hand prints on your book. The hotel guys definitely took a peak at it.

Michael Kornbluth

Arrestable Tweets In London Town

Arrestable tweet in London town. The Queen took out Epstein, Diana also for Kabob Fever.

Iran promises to honor the original Nuke deal in return for 15 billion. John Kerry offered the Shah his wife’s panties from their wedding night, knowing his affinity for 89 year old virgins. Kerry adds, “Everything she owns comes in red.”

Do It All Dad

What do you think of the Danish Warmblood Matilda? What, Euro Trash horses don’t do it for you?

Daughter

The mermaid statue is in Copenhagen. Unless, her bra shell is missing, there’s nothing trashy about Denmark Daddy.

INT. HOME

Fake News Herb Dealer

I knew Adam’s Sandler’s cousin in college.

Do It All Dad

I almost hooked up with one of Sandler’s cousin’s at Ithaca. Her looking like Sandler’s sister failed to launch any sustained stiffage out of me.

Fake News Herb Dealer laughs long time.

Imagined response from Vince Vaughn after getting my books in the mail from me. Sorry your life sucks pal but I can’t help you. Don’t have a panic attack. I’m just busting balls. Of course I could help if I really wanted to.

INT. Home

Do It All Dad

Summer of 2019 is gone.

Fake News Herb Dealer

Not yet man.

Do It All Dad

I can’t throw my daughter around in the pool at the Lakeside Field Club anymore. Summer of 2019 is dead to me. And Katie in the Cape was no sloppy 2nd either.

INT. HOME

Fake News Medicinal Herb Man

I normally charge 90 for.

Do It All Dad

I got 85. You’re talking milk money from my children. Got no shame obviously.

Fake News Medicinal Herb Man laughs long time.

Howard Cosell and Ali really did create magic together. You must Youtube the hilarious poem Ali cites to Cosell about hitting Floyd Patterson so high out of the ring, he never comes down. Ali closes with. What do you think of those apples Howard?

I shouldn’t be jealous because I’m a proud New Yorker. And I have nothing but respect for Ashton Kutcher and Kid Rock. Still, it irks me knowing Ashton saw the Sweetness stiff arm in his prime while Kid saw Barry Sanders break hapless ankles in pursuit.

INT. SCHOOL

Do It All Dad

Yeah, I’m still wearing white. Summer isn’t over till my kids are back in school on a full time basis.

Mom

Eighteen hours and counting.

Do It All Dad laughs long time.

Michael Kornbluth

But You Use Good Ingredients

But you use good ingredients means, you only think you’re interesting because you’re on exceptionally good blow.

But you use good ingredients means anyone can produce a serviceable product
on your budget Pinstripe Puck.

But you use good ingredients, means you’re only as good as your performing enhancing flavors.

But you use good ingredients implies even the drummer from Def Leppard could make it good with his left foot.

But you use good ingredients means, Michelle Obama couldn’t f it up. I don’t care about how many bitter greens she rammed into it.

But you use good ingredients says, I don’t trust your cooking instincts enough to improvise like John Leguizamo.

But you use good ingredients implies, your prospects at getting on Top Chef is below Sylvia Plath scoring a job as a repair woman for Viking Stoves.

But you use good ingredients says, of course Scary Spice looks better, sprinkled with specs of gold from head to toe.

But you use good ingredients means, you’ve got no natural feel for high end recipe creation without being dependent on Mario Batali cliff notes on the I-Pad.

But you use good ingredients screams, I could sound like a dignified, wise ass, flake of no substance with Obama’s speechwriters at my beck and call also.

But you use good ingredients says I don’t respect your innate feel for coaxing maximum flavor from serf veggie ingredients like armpit sweat in place of cold press Olive Oil.

But you use good ingredients says I still don’t see you rising to the challenge of baking a Pomegranate Souffle without it looking like Grimace sat on top of it after a bad case of the runs.
But you use good ingredients says adding Truffles on it is like putting lipstick on a pig. You’re welcome Palin. Your analogy finally makes sense after all.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Birth of a Pescatarian Comedian

I didn’t have much of a choice. Girlfriend now wife pitches. I’ll let you raise our future kids Jewish if we raise them pescatarian. Jesus was the original super Jew, sold.

Scientifically, the Pescatarian Diet has been proven to be the healthiest diet for guys who’d rather nosh on primo smoke salmon than burp up fish oil supplement residue.

The Pescatarian diet is like the Mediterranean Diet. Without fussing over whether you fry up your Greek Omelette in butter over olive oil compared to your little Greek Landlord. Who doesn’t have much leanage in his favor.

If I dare to cook a lamb burger at home. My kids yell yuck, yuck. So I outshine mommy in the kitchen with my Mexican Lasagna mixed with my homemade salsa on top of corn tortillas so my wife feels beneath me.

My wife can’t hide her dejected disgust whenever the 1st bites of my veggie casserole supreme prompt my kids to launch into their fabled yummy dance. Whizzing around the room yelling best daddy ever, best daddy ever.

Complex Carbs like whole grain animal crackers suck. If it tastes like shit, it’s shit. Nothing complex to comprehend here.

Arugula greens take my late night grill cheese sessions higher. Plus, the next morning I don’t feel so bitter about my mom raising a fat fuck on pure P&J’s alone.

My anti-oxidant rich kids never get sick. Unless my parents just wrapped up their annual visit. Apparently, good strawberries and baby spinach are harder to find in Scottsdale, Arizona than fat MILFs.

I’m a smoothie no hemp powder lover. Hemp Powder is Indigo Girls performing naked gross. Trust me.

No Peanuts at school. One of the kids is allergic. No Snoopy shirts either? Arthur loves his snoopy shirt where Snoopy is sporting an Uncle Sam hat. Let me guess. It’s too military recruiter pushy for the parents taste.

There’s a kid allergic to peanuts. So sorry. Arthur isn’t itching to watch a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving again either. Or he’ll break down into non-laughing hysterics.

Agave isn’t so sweet like my mother in law. It’s no wow worthy sub for honey. Agave is like Sammy Hagar’s tequila. It goes down Van Halen light. Got it good.

In defense of fish, you’re gross for ever admitting to liking Pop Tarts Jim Gaffigan. Fun Dip packs more hefty flavor. Your joke servings are so edgy, edgy, edgy.

Greek Yogurt has double the protein of regular yogurt. So that’s why my little Greek landlord can bench press twice his weight easy.

Jenna Jameson does the Kito diet good. She’s dropped crazy weight. Plus, Jenna was a real porn star. Calling Stormy Daniels one is like relegating Lexington Steele to a mere sideline freak.

This old daddy likes it raw. Red bell peppers dipped in homemade ranch is healthier than dipping into murkier, old dirty ho traps at the club.

Cauliflower or cat piss? That is the question. Before you cook it of course.

So you give up chicken parm for shrimp parm. Rocky gave up egg and cheeses when he trained to fight Apollo. You are what you eat fellas. So are you chicken shit or not?

By,

Michael Kornbluth