But You Use Good Ingredients

But you use good ingredients means, you only think you’re interesting because you’re on exceptionally good blow.

But you use good ingredients means anyone can produce a serviceable product
on your budget Pinstripe Puck.

But you use good ingredients, means you’re only as good as your performing enhancing flavors.

But you use good ingredients implies even the drummer from Def Leppard could make it good with his left foot.

But you use good ingredients means, Michelle Obama couldn’t f it up. I don’t care about how many bitter greens she rammed into it.

But you use good ingredients says, I don’t trust your cooking instincts enough to improvise like John Leguizamo.

But you use good ingredients implies, your prospects at getting on Top Chef is below Sylvia Plath scoring a job as a repair woman for Viking Stoves.

But you use good ingredients says, of course Scary Spice looks better, sprinkled with specs of gold from head to toe.

But you use good ingredients means, you’ve got no natural feel for high end recipe creation without being dependent on Mario Batali cliff notes on the I-Pad.

But you use good ingredients screams, I could sound like a dignified, wise ass, flake of no substance with Obama’s speechwriters at my beck and call also.

But you use good ingredients says I don’t respect your innate feel for coaxing maximum flavor from serf veggie ingredients like armpit sweat in place of cold press Olive Oil.

But you use good ingredients says I still don’t see you rising to the challenge of baking a Pomegranate Souffle without it looking like Grimace sat on top of it after a bad case of the runs.
But you use good ingredients says adding Truffles on it is like putting lipstick on a pig. You’re welcome Palin. Your analogy finally makes sense after all.

The End


Michael Kornbluth



Birth of a Pescatarian Comedian

I didn’t have much of a choice. Girlfriend now wife pitches. I’ll let you raise our future kids Jewish if we raise them pescatarian. Jesus was the original super Jew, sold.

Scientifically, the Pescatarian Diet has been proven to be the healthiest diet for guys who’d rather nosh on primo smoke salmon than burp up fish oil supplement residue.

The Pescatarian diet is like the Mediterranean Diet. Without fussing over whether you fry up your Greek Omelette in butter over olive oil compared to your little Greek Landlord. Who doesn’t have much leanage in his favor.

If I dare to cook a lamb burger at home. My kids yell yuck, yuck. So I outshine mommy in the kitchen with my Mexican Lasagna mixed with my homemade salsa on top of corn tortillas so my wife feels beneath me.

My wife can’t hide her dejected disgust whenever the 1st bites of my veggie casserole supreme prompt my kids to launch into their fabled yummy dance. Whizzing around the room yelling best daddy ever, best daddy ever.

Complex Carbs like whole grain animal crackers suck. If it tastes like shit, it’s shit. Nothing complex to comprehend here.

Arugula greens take my late night grill cheese sessions higher. Plus, the next morning I don’t feel so bitter about my mom raising a fat fuck on pure P&J’s alone.

My anti-oxidant rich kids never get sick. Unless my parents just wrapped up their annual visit. Apparently, good strawberries and baby spinach are harder to find in Scottsdale, Arizona than fat MILFs.

I’m a smoothie no hemp powder lover. Hemp Powder is Indigo Girls performing naked gross. Trust me.

No Peanuts at school. One of the kids is allergic. No Snoopy shirts either? Arthur loves his snoopy shirt where Snoopy is sporting an Uncle Sam hat. Let me guess. It’s too military recruiter pushy for the parents taste.

There’s a kid allergic to peanuts. So sorry. Arthur isn’t itching to watch a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving again either. Or he’ll break down into non-laughing hysterics.

Agave isn’t so sweet like my mother in law. It’s no wow worthy sub for honey. Agave is like Sammy Hagar’s tequila. It goes down Van Halen light. Got it good.

In defense of fish, you’re gross for ever admitting to liking Pop Tarts Jim Gaffigan. Fun Dip packs more hefty flavor. Your joke servings are so edgy, edgy, edgy.

Greek Yogurt has double the protein of regular yogurt. So that’s why my little Greek landlord can bench press twice his weight easy.

Jenna Jameson does the Kito diet good. She’s dropped crazy weight. Plus, Jenna was a real porn star. Calling Stormy Daniels one is like relegating Lexington Steele to a mere sideline freak.

This old daddy likes it raw. Red bell peppers dipped in homemade ranch is healthier than dipping into murkier, old dirty ho traps at the club.

Cauliflower or cat piss? That is the question. Before you cook it of course.

So you give up chicken parm for shrimp parm. Rocky gave up egg and cheeses when he trained to fight Apollo. You are what you eat fellas. So are you chicken shit or not?


Michael Kornbluth