Too Funny

Big fan of Russian Doll on Netflix although I feel like a total fairy for being more aroused by the cool techno beats, spacious Manhattan pads and Natasha Lyonne’s fancy, slick scarves versus any lustful urge to mount her tied up to sky scraper high bedposts.

My mom is from Louisville, Kentucky. It’s more like mid west south. Not really deep south, where finger food is anything which tastes like your cousin’s panties.

Mom is from Kentucky. Growing up she’d say, “Son, Kentucky is known for horses and pretty women.” I say, “Mom put your sundress on. Before you tell me Dad is hung like Seabiscuit.”

INT. Daycare
Mom says to her kid.

Mom

Tell the Pirate joke.
What’s a Pirate’s favorite letter?

Stay At Home Comedian
Z because he’s passed out from drinking too much rum.
Little Girl
Too funny.
Stay At Home Comedian
Thanks for my next blog title kid.

Why would Kellyanne Conway be against POTUS insulting her husband on her behalf? You wouldn’t want your boss to dump on your hack husband on your behalf? Trump is the master troller insulter. Plus, he’s easier on the eyes than Jeff Ross.

INT. HOME
Wife
Why are you reading Art of the Deal to your son?
Stay At Home Comedian
So he could close the deal with Ivanka’s daughter when he get’s older.

Dershowitz: Dunes, has no case against Twitter. Don’t you have a fake news ethic class to teach at Harvard scallion breath? Sound more like an establishment, money hungry puppet mouthpiece whore for hire.

Memo to Judd Apatow:
Trump supporters are cult like Zombies. Did Gary Shandling, Albert Brooks, Adam Sandler and Seth Rogan joke doctor the shit out of all your scripts because your online commentary sounds consistently, whippets dumb, awful.

INT. Dicks’ Sporting Goods-NY
Stay At Home Comedian
Got any KP Dallas Maverick jerseys yet?
Dicks Worker
Whose KP?
Stay At Home Comedian
The Uni who got away. Who took my remnant age of innocence with him.

Saying Trump is jealous of McCain is like saying Randy Gerber is jealous of George Clooney’s ex wife. Or of George Clooney in comparison who looks more old man Greek than Hollywood would ever admit.

Younger Brother
The world doesn’t revolve around your children.
Big Brother
You managing to read only 1 story to my 3 kids in 8 years, living only 45 minutes away for most of it speaks for itself. But thanks for the unpleasant reminder.

INT. Stop and Shop-NY
Older Woman
My brother lives in Arizona but he moved to Florida because the flight is a schlep from NY and nobody would bother visiting him.
Stay At Home Comedian
Yeah, my parents didn’t think through their move to Arizona either.

The Ellen Show now has clips on Spotify. I can’t wait to hear her witty, asides about Michelle Obama being a rock star. Is she playing the lead in a parody of the Tina Turner movie by the Wayans Brothers, What’s Talent Got To Do With It?

Trump addressing Tank builders in Ohio.
You better love me or the plant is closed.
And the movie Red Dawn becomes your permanent reality.
Bernie Sanders just dropped a load in his pants. Assuming, George Soros gave him permission.

Memo to Stacy Abrams.
Whose suppressing black votes in Atlanta? Is Andre from Outkast encouraging young black democrats to vote only Democrat regardless of what work Kayne has done to make young black men feel like less an outcast, rocking MAGA?

Friendly reminder McCain lovers, Chris Rock did a bit ages ago. Stating, war hero, he got caught. Also, he picked Palin as VP. Whose still super bangable. But he might as well have picked Mischa Barton, winning Orange County, maybe.

David Letterman is disappointed in Trump’s Putz presidency. First, Joan Rivers had used tampons funnier than you. 2nd, hicks from Indiana don’t get to use Putz, it sounds forced like you pretending to be a weighty intellectual of any kind.

David Letterman is disappointed in Trump’s Putz presidency. Jealous much? You weren’t filling up stadiums ever so fans could hear you speak solo. You we’re a stand up for a day. Howard Stern, Trump, Dice are larger than life, not you, nerd.

David Letterman is disappointed in Trump’s Putz presidency. Don’t you have a Baby Face Omar interview to do on Netflix with Oliver Stone as the Creative Consultant, blaming Jerry Heller for putting words in Omar’s freedom fighter mouth?

California Democrats demand, Trump better foot the bill for the high speed rail from San Francisco to Los Angeles or what? Find Ian Fleming’s son to pen a more convincing dossier? Stage another fake hate crime, accuse Lindsey Graham of raping Truman Capote?

 

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Lady Laugh

Int. Stop and Shop-Morning
Do It All Dad swerves the shopping cart with a toy car seat attachment on the front with his 2 year old son Chosen Curls behind the toy wheel.

Do It All Dad
Somebody has been hitting the bottle hard this morning.

Another reason to hate Facebook.
Janice Bevilacqua, a poet, mother, best laugh ever, #deadhead, my high school class of 94, died 5 years ago. And I’m still getting birthday notifications for her on Facebook. Still making the universe laugh beautiful angel.

INT. HOME-AM
Do It All Dad
So Matilda, Kellyanne Conway is the 1st female Campaign Manager.
Wife
Don’t talk politics with my daughter.
Do It All Dad
But Trump will autograph my copy of A list #shadowbanned jokes, Stay At Home Comedian.

Nurse
We got your biopsy results back.
There’s no evidence of you having skin cancer.
Do It All Dad
There’s also zero evidence of #GeorgeConway ever being confused for George Clooney or in possession of a funny Jew bone in his body.

INT. HOME
Son
You never play with me. You never do anything with me.
Do It All Dad starts playfully kneeing his son in the midsection.
Do It All Dad
Did you say, do it all dad doesn’t knee you in midsection enough?

Son laughs, priceless.

INT. Living Room

Daughter
Daddy, show me a picture of the best looking girl who follows your blog on WordPress.

I show her.

Daughter
You can do better.

Son
Yeah, I wouldn’t dump Mama for her either, Dada.

If I block political ads for Elizabeth Warren on Twitter, does it make me Pocahontas Phobic or overly self-conscious of my deplorable grammar? Because she reminds me of my 9th grade English teacher, Mrs. Gilmore minus the southern charm.

 

INT. Daughters New Bedroom
Daughter
Daddy, do you love my new bedroom.?
I must say, you’re dealing well with this room no longer being your podcast writer office.
Do It All Dad
My next podcast episode title is “Demoted to the Garage.”

Why is Wendy Williams so popular again? Is she considered a more down to earth Oprah? Who doesn’t empower A list rapists like Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein? Is Ellen considered an edgeless mouthpiece for the DNC in comparison? I don’t get it.

Can I blame Obama for ruining Woodstock festivals also? Why is Jay Z headlining Woodstock? Let me guess, Gary Clark Junior sings with him about how Trump stole Jay Z’s stake as the greatest MC ever because he has more followers on Twitter.

Biden is a total moron if he ends up running against Trump. What’s he calling his revised proposal for free Universal Health Care? Obama cared less about Americans keeping their provider? Because he really wasn’t one if you need to know.

Gave a standing o for the 1st Kill Bill, Inglorious Bastards, perfection. Reservoir Dogs, is his best. Still, did Quentin ever address Uma’s charges of chocking her with nunchucks on the set of Kill Bill as Harvey watched, touching himself, footing the bill?

Solution for final destruction of the resistance’s fleeting grasp of power in this world or the one below.

Trump proposes. Fine no Electoral College for 2020, we only count the popular vote. Just agree, to E-Verify Voter ID & you got yourself a deal Nancy.

 

Subhuman is anyone who defends ANTIFA like they’re King Arthur’s knights of the round table. Or anyone who defends Baby Face’s Omar comments as silly, brainwashed, PLO trainee rhetoric or anyone whose still glad Jussie Smollet took a shot.

 

Bernie Sanders talking to himself.
How do I do a better job of communicating how socialism leads to a vibrant democracy? I pitch to Netflix an American Idol refresh to make Nordic Black Metal great again?

 

NYU is letting Linda Sarsour speak. They do realize Adam Sandler is an alum, correct? You know the golden Jew who wrote the Chanukah song? OJ Simpson better be changed to Linda Sarsour, definitely not a fan.

 

Ted Koppel says the Establish Press is “out to get Trump.” It only took you 2 years to form an opinion on the subject Ted? Show real balls and discuss why Brennan and Clapper work for CNN covering up Obama’s plan to wipe out America with Fentanyl.

White Supremacists see Trump “on their side.” All of a sudden, Trump drinks and does Jager bombs with Milo at some after hours CPAC speakeasy off Special K Street? Is Trump retweeting Prince Harry now more than Jesse Waters from Fox & Friends?

Germany is furious at the US Ambassador for calling out their low defense spending. Bring up the Marshall Plan and how you never recouped your lost sense of pride and magnitude of wealth and culture before you let Hitler ruin everything.

Disney just bought all of Fox Entertainment’s assets for 76 billion. Now, the Simpsons will make sure Linda Sarsour can make endless cameo appearances with Chelsea Handler’s Nazi roots, to prop up her tits sagging popularity.

Janice Bevilacqua had the best laugh of all time.
It opened up Heaven’s Gate.
Only the good die young.
Lady Laugh star was her fate.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Family Friendly Book 1st

5 Remaining Chapter Titles for my upcoming book of essays Falling for Fatherhood, How 3 Kids Got My Act Together. Before my follow up A list, #shadowbanned joke book, Stay At Home Comedian, Controlling My Kids With Comedy, out July 4th 2019, USA, USA.

Hugging It Out With Old Glory, The Boob Doctor, Spring Break in Norway, Kite Flying Depressing Me and Stay At Home Dads Got Nobody.

Stay At Home Dads Got Nobody.
Stay At Home Dads have a bitchy devil in their ear telling them to do adderall because it makes you’ll feel like a more together Betty Draper in Madmen. Banging out laundry and jokes on Twitter with greater determined purpose.

Spring Break In Norway
Norway couldn’t be more kid friendly. You can’t go to a park without stepping on a floor level, mesh trampoline. Our hotel buffet had 5 complimentary different cheese stations. Twitter didn’t #shadowban my tweets for the week.

Kite Flying Depressing Me
My beautiful 4 year old son flies his 1st kite, my father in law just set up for him. I’m depressing, thinking, “I can’t hate my father in law anymore because my dad only sees his grandson once a year because he no longer does the cold.”

Hugging It Out With Old Glory
My dad told the DJ to turn town Jimi’s version of the Star Spangled Banner at my wedding. My kids hug flags on Main Street with real love of country and anti-war songs, personifying descending death and soaring redemptive grace.

Hugging It Out With Old Glory
Did Fake News Fro Kaepernick hug it out with Old Glory after the NFL cut him the largest unemployment check ever recorded? Only in America baby, land of the free and home of collusion tales with less legs than Lieutenant Dan.

My Trump voiced GPS system.
Exit left for Mohegan Sun, Elizabeth Warren’s home away from home.

Calling for a ban of the #ElectoralCollege is equivalent to Elizabeth Warren calling 64 million Trump voters, racist, shit for brains, backwoods hick deplorables. Who don’t know any better than Rape Wood, Good Will Hoodie, Samantha Bee, gross.

This is George Conway at home with his 4 kids watching the Kennedy Award Honers at home.

I’m jealous of my wife. What can she give me you 4 kids can’t? A job in the White House dad.

At Stuyvesant, 74% of current students are Asian-American. So hurry up and complain about what poor role models A plus Asian American students are. Entitled slackers ruin everything.

Memo to Bill Maher:
Beto’s wife, fixated, blank stare was creepy in his presidential announcement video. She gives the kid from the Jeremy video a good run for his money. Wasn’t seeing her belting out alive naked on the Ukulele either.

Another reason to hate the NY Times besides not reporting on Nazi death camps forever.

Devin Nunes Sues Twitter For Allowing Accounts to Insult Him

If Nunes came out as a Trans PLO activist, in a Hijab, he’d be made in the shade.

 

Int. Smoke Shop
Pregnant Smoke Shop employee face times her baby.
Stay At Home Comedian
Thanks for rubbing my degenerate druggy past in my face. Face-Timing your kid as I take my sweet ass time selecting a new bowl with my 3 kids at home.

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Sticking Up for Alanis Morissette

My 8 year old daughter playing the role of wedding coach.
Take a breather Daddy. Mama got your point mid breath.

Morning Prayer:
Thank you Lord for my 3 kids hearts and for them being sweet to Daddy all the time, Mama most of the time. Don’t look at me like that Lord, you made my oversensitive heart, not me.

How much was my communication degree from Ithaca college in 99 worth?
I still graduated with a stutter at 22. All my diploma prepared me for was colossal ego impalement and teary, heartbroken defeat as a cold calling IT recruiter my 1st 6 months on the job.

INT. College Dorm Room
My Virgin Releaser
You have to listen to Alanis.
She’s Jimi with words.
College Me
Would you go down on me on your futon then when your roommate isn’t looking? Burying her head into your 3 foot bong again?

Sticking up for Alanis Morissette
So babe, we’re listening to Alanis in the car and our daughter repeats. Would she go down on you in a theater? Wife says. What a slut. I reply. Jagged Little Pill sold 15 million records. But sound more jaded fake feminist.

Alanis Morissette making things awkward real fast.
Int. Car
Daughter
Daddy, why would Alanis scratch her nails down some guy’s back?
Doesn’t sound very lady like to me. Ivanka Trump she’s not. My younger brother on a bad day, sure.

Me being forced to explain Alanis Morissette lyrics to my 8 year old daughter. You took me out to wine, dine, sixty nine. What is Alanis taking about dada? Is 69 chapter 69 in the Kama Sutra daddy? Tell me or I’ll google it at school. I’m screwed.

Donna Brazile admitted in her book about Hillary Hammer Time Cankles getting the debate questions in advance. She was also in the hospital the night Seth Rich was murdered for exposing devil horns Podesta. Not good for CNN, Trump granted her diplomatic immunity.

INT. HOME
Daughter
Daddy, mommy told me I can be a mommy without having a daddy drain me of every last drop of my love, Artificial Insemination.
Do It All Dad
3rd term abortion rights aren’t enough? Now we must wipe out any do it all dad parental influence?

INT. Bedroom
Wife
Going to my high school reunion is a bad idea, right?
Do It All Dad
I prepared a roast for it and enjoyed myself.
Wife
But you had friends.
Do it All Dad
3 kids later, you’re not making yourself any more mountable.

INT. Home
Wife
Going to my high school reunion is a bad idea, right?
Do It All Dad
I prepared a roast for it and enjoyed myself.
Wife
But you had friends.
Do it All Dad
They came to my shows. Your college friends did to. It made up for it.

INT. Bedroom
Wife
Going to my high school reunion is a bad idea, right?
Do It All Dad
I prepared a roast for it and enjoyed myself.
Wife
But you had friends.
Do it All Dad
Marriage, kids, and my surging ego kissed those goodbye.

INT. HOME
Daughter
Daddy, mommy told me I can be a mommy without getting married, Artificial Insemination.
Dad
So daddy could disappear from your life today and you’d be OK with it?
Daughter
No, daddy, you’re perfect, best of the rest.
Dad
Good answer.

INT. HOME
Do It All Dad
Matilda, tells me she’s going to have baby through artificial insemination now.
Wife
Because nobody can compare to you.
Do It All Dad
I do like the idea of no penis every entering my daughter.
But look how Hillary turned out.

Int. Home
Beautiful Boy not on H or Crystal Meth
Daddy, I’d give you a yummy dance but I’m too busy devouring this.

Little brother, Head Banger’s Ball whizzes around the room.

Do It All Dad
Thank God my world revolves around you kids.

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

The Pescatarian Comedians

My daughter upstaging me as usual, addressing her younger brother.
“You’ll never know anything I don’t know because I’m older than you.”

My daughter not dealing well with hard genetic science.
Daddy, what if I’m 1 percent black? You’d sing with improved soul and attack the rim with higher hopper authority. Daughter replies. Kill yourself, daddy, kill yourself.

Michael Jackson’s less harmful legacy.
Ruining Weird Al children books with my kids.
Daddy, can we watch the Fat video again?
The animated feeling has lost it’s loving feeling, sorry kids.
I’m sick to my stomach, you know it.

Int. Car
Stay At Home Comedian
Did you just call Jane or did she call you?
Younger Brother
I called her. She’s my fiance.
Stay At Home Comedian
2nd in 2 years. Still, feels excessive.
But fine, her presence is impossible to live without.

Int. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
Will have zero impact on Ivanka becoming the 1st Jewish, woman US president in 2024. I agree. Let’s see what a proud converter Jew feminist mom is then.

Int. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
There were peaceful protesters present along with ANTIFA & the bussed in screenshot of KKK extras from central castings in polo shirts and tiki torches.

Obama’s former aide contacted Chicago PD about having his FBI loyalists take over the Jussie Smollet case. How beloved is Obama in his sweet home Chicago? When he get’s a royal f you from the Chicago PD instead. John Hughes beloved, he’s not.

Every Trump fight instigated by the resistors resistance to factual based reality ends with, I can refute 5 of your facts with 10 more. At this point, just save your breath and utter Ivanka 2024, 1st Jewish, woman US president. You’re welcome.

 

Int. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
It wasn’t only a white supremacist rally.
It was also a monument to fake news appeasing ANTIFA led violence against Trump supporters and MAGA hats moron.

Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
Robert E. Lee called slavery a moral political evil. And Trump electrician supporters aren’t dismantling Airport TV’s paid to play CNN’s staged hate crimes to trigger a new civil war.

Arizona Police Feds seized 45,000 Fentanyl pills in 2 operations.
It wasn’t the spring cleaning Obama was hoping for.

Omar’s an easy target because she’s a black Muslim. I thought it was because she converted to Judaism like Ivanka being such a moderate, progressive minded voice of Islam in the House of Representatives, my bad.

Int. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
The monument being taken down wasn’t of Al Sharpton. And he forced a black girl to lie about being raped by a NYPD officer. But now you’re a Spike Lee fan?

Baby Face Omar is an easy target because she’s a black Muslim. But Obama avoided any hard questions about his faith and he’s way prettier. His Farsi dialect doesn’t sound blood thirsty gruff either. You want to talk one of the prettiest sounds on earth.

Border Wall supporters follow the white supremacy agenda? But the Klan would attempt to chase down Jesse Owens, not Speedy Gonzalez. Also, the Klan never feared their woman speeding into Speedy’s arms if given the chance, just saying.

Memo to Stephen Colbert:
What Trump is doing to the nation is horrible? What you’ve done to the state of American comedy is the real travesty dude. But taking pictures with John Podesta is a great look twerp. Sure you got nothing to hide but being funny anymore.

Trump emboldens white Nationalists Tim Kaine? How would you know? Does your son’s Crystal Meth dealer follow POTUS on Twitter? And since when are white nationalists cool with Jewish grandchildren populating the White House, on Bank Holidays? Just curious Tiny Tim.

What the left has become blows. I hate JK Rowling but who cares if she outed any fictional freak figures of her creation. Stop being so you know what about it.

I retrieve a nifty Nerf football down a high mountain with my 2 kids. Wife looks down on me holding baby with disgust.

Do It All Dad
What, I’m teaching my kids the importance of not throwing away money?
Wife
Then, why don’t you have life insurance yet?

Ext. Mountain Hike-NY
Daughter
Mimi acts like us moving to Arizona is convenient for us but it’s really just more convenient for them. Plus, they hate you Dada for supporting Trump. So you shouldn’t give them the satisfaction.

When it rains in Scottsdale, Arizona it looks like a wet pile of rocks.

Brother
The world doesn’t revolve around you kids.
Stay At Home Comedian
Mine does, so they don’t end up like you.
But playing the victim of addiction for 2 decades. Who can’t stop being a lying, scumbag has done wonders for your imagination so far.

 

INT. Sushi Restaurant
Younger Brother
ANTIFA aren’t domestic terrorists.
I watch Vice and Bill Maher.
Stay At Home Comedian
They fire bomb buildings in Berkeley because big bad, Ben Shapiro came to town for a speech on 2nd amendment rights.

Int. Car
Younger Brother
My coke dealer who only sells me adderall
now wants to meet you.
Stay At Home Comedian
Does he check in with you more than I do?
Also, am I supposed to be excited about coming face to face with your white angel of death?

Anyone who says I’m friends with Trump lovers means they don’t love you if you love Trump to. You have boys who love Trump dude? And you’re cool with it. Despite turning Albino white when I called ANTIFA domestic terrorists, you mush brained mook.

Int. Car

Brother
The world doesn’t revolve around you kids.
Mom and dad had 2 kids and both worked.
Stay At Home Comedian
I played alone with GI Joe figures till age 16.
And you were shipped off to boarding school at 15. Mr. Rogers, watch out.

 

I love it when younger, dressed up girls do selfies across the train from me on their way to White Plains, NY for St. Patricks Day . It means my ring is making them green with envy. And I no longer feel so excessively Jewish around House of Pain.

 

Int. Home
Wife
Don’t expect me to do cartwheels over your latest and greatest genius idea.
Any money for you to produce now would be nice.
Stay At Home Comedian
I can’t wait to see how excited you’re for me when I start booking gigs at Country Clubs in Connecticut.

Judge Jeanine’s gone hard at the vermin for trying to derail the Trump Train bound for glory from the start. But she can’t say Sharia Law on TV? What’s upheld in Europe right now? Besides no go zones being safe spaces for Palestinian freedom fighters.

 

Ext. Mobil
Younger Brother
You need weed to hang out with me?
Stay At Home Comedian
I’m not here to jerk off your Facebook posts about banning all guns or show interest in how you listen to Crosby Stills to minimize hate in your life now.

 

Brother
What about Charlottesville?
Stay At Home Comedian
They were good, God loving peaceful white protesters in attendance, protesting the taking down of the Robert E. Lee statue. He called slavery a moral evil like the UN, Rape Wood, John Podesta’s email chains, etc.

I cried at least twice when I saw the footage of President Trump sign his veto for his national declaration act. The Angel moms are so strong. The love and respect in the oval office at this moment was so palpable. Finally, felt a change is going come Mr. Sam Cooke.

INT. CAR-MOBIL GAS STATION
Younger Brother
You need weed to hang out with me?
Stay At Home Comedian
I just bought you a piece and about to score you a huge bag for not much, so you can feel like a big shot again. Mom reminds me how important this for you.

Brother
You never check in on me. I lost my job. Why try anymore?
The world doesn’t revolve around your kids.
Stay At Home Comedian
Your shitty Pete Davidson impersonation isn’t moving me one 1 bit. Is the 2 Instagram followers worth it?

Int. Home
Stay At Home Comedian
Doesn’t your maternal instinct always want to hear, mama, mama? Because this way you’re always able to feel appreciated and needed? Granted, they could be crying mama because you don’t love them as well as I do.

Int. Home
Wife
Don’t expect me to cartwheels over your genius idea.
Stay At Home Comedian
Thanks for the final nudge to write my pilot for Crazy, Good, Dada about our family friendly, food sketch comedy show, The Pescatarian Comedians.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

Overrated New Yorkers

Int. Kids U-Pleasantville, NY

Little kid smiles wide at me.
Stay At Home Comedian
Mom is boring you to death again, kid?
Kid
How you can tell?
Stay At Home Comedian
Because my mere presence does more for you already for starters.

POTUS vetoed the attempt to cock block his national emergency declaration. Despite congress as a whole trying to cock block it because they also bought into hands up, don’t shoot. New Yorkers like Trump who don’t sweat Uni Brow Maddow and Rape Wood power brokers are the best, USA, USA.

Why doesn’t Google want to work with our department of defense again? Oh, yeah, they’re still searching for their soul after they sold it to Chinese overlords who took out Bruce Lee. Nothing to crow about here.

My new line to anger my wife after my kids launch into another fabled yummy dance is: The dish was made with love. Glad you love the shrimp, scallion, stir fry, made with love Matilda. You think Mom, will ever show the best of her love and make me ribs once?

John Cusak: Democracy dies unless Trump rots in prison. You’d think Trump triggered his boy Hunter S. Thompson into a premature suicide by calling him an overrated writer. Hunter’s better off dead. Fake News fro didn’t make his precious NFL any better.

 

Memo to Gary Clark Junior:
How is Trump trying to take your land? Stick to guitar playing in retro Jimi Hendrix hats. I loved your last album dude. But let’s not pretend you’re a super deep thinker, linguistic genius like Kayne either.

Beto’s billionaire heiress wife is perfect for him. She stares at him intently because she knows who the eye candy is in the relationship. During his announcement to run, she ponders: Why can’t you get this worked up when you dress up for me as Magic Mike?

In Germany today, you can firebomb a Synagogue and the judge won’t decry the act as a blatant example of Anti-Semitism. They’ll make the court reporter call the terrorist a community organizer protesting Israel’s right to exist.

Blumenthal, you’re a disgrace to the Jewish people, Trump’s rhetoric was a factor in the New Zealand people? You’re a fake news war hero. You support the open border destruction of our country from stuck up, old money white Connecticut.

Trump empowers the KKK? How, by hugging it out with Kayne? Spearheading our embassy move to Jerusalem? Taking Dennis Rodman’s calls? Flip the script. Why don’t you ever hear about how much Obama empowered nuke builders, cop killers and Fentanyl pushers holmes?

Baby Face Omar was smeared? She called all supporters of Israel, deceiving, distrustful, money grubbing Shylocks, minus the Shylocks part because quoting Shakespeare would scream too much white privilege for her brand of anti-American imperial elitism.

Bin Laden sends warmest sympathy & best wishes to all New Yorker’s. What the fuck does mean Jeffrey Wright? You’re still just an actor right. A highly overrated, creepy one at that. But I’m sure Spike appreciates your new audition reel.

Fentanyl crossing the border has killed more Americans than died in Vietnam. Still border security is considered a manufactured crisis like Trump beating Hillary Hammer Time Cankles. Resulting in a nationwide white supremacist crisis.

I’m no fan but those who bitch at Chelsea Clinton for calling out Baby Face Omar for the transparent, foaming, anti-semite she is, beekeeper attire on or not can burn in hell. I’ll concede, Islam is super tolerant of Jew haters. It’s leaders are at peace with this much.

Jesse Smollett pleading not guilty in court.
Innocent, your honor. All the Fentanyl Obama let into our country made me do it. Judge says. Good point kid. Obama only pardoned weed and coke dealers. I’m assuming to get better shit.

Int. White House
Chief of Drug Control
King Hussein, Barry O, whatever, Fentanyl is killing more crackers than Taylor Swift kicking it with Lena Dunham.
President Obama
I’m out of magic. You think I’m a Voodoo Child or something?
Wife
No more American Dad with the kids.
Stay At Home Comedian
It’s a show about an American patriot who loves his country and wife down the middle. Plus, Roger is the hilarious gay friend you never had.
Wife
I agree. You’re not as hilarious.

Daughter to younger brother.
You’re the best brother in the world.
Now, can you stop being a wild beast?

I hate my pothead neighbors. I used to be one. But wake and baking 1st thing in the AM on a weekday down the street from the bus stop is the true definition of low class. I don’t care what color you are or what grade of stuff you intake.

EXT. HOME
Wife
Don’t leave the kids unsupervised watching American Dad.
Stay At Home Comedian
How about the ginger, scallion shrimp stir fry was delicious.
And I was of zero help entertaining the kids or keeping them busy during your do it all dad routine.

INT. Kids U
Stay At Home Comedian
What would be your top 3 reasons for leaving NY?
Kids U Worker
The People, the people, the people.
Stay At Home Comedian
Last call at 4 has lost it’s allure for me also.
This much I can resist.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

Do It All Dad Does Disses To

Magic can’t trade Lebron. He made HIV disappear. Who are you to question Magic’s handle on the situation?

Explaining the significance of Elvis to my son.
Elvis was a white man who sounded like a black man. And before Elvis, dads weren’t letting their daughters hop on a train to the south side of Chicago to see Buddy Guy jerk off his guitar shaft.

Int. Off Broadway Playhouse
Rosario Dawson
Would you run into a burning building for me, bad boy soy boy?
Corey Booker
Was it you or Chloe Sevigny who got Aids in Kids?
Just kidding. In the end, Chloe didn’t feel so privileged after all.

Ban the electoral college. Because New York City has its shit together? New York City teachers can’t suspend Dangerous minds anymore like Tupac from Juice. Democrats have an easier time passing a bill denouncing anti-semites in their own house.

Trump is trampling on the Constitution? I thought he was showing Ann Coulter whose in charge.

Int. Home
Kellyanne Conway
Pass the ketchup dear.
Kellyanne Conway’s Husband
Heinz says it’s organic but it’s a total lie like your boss’s man of the people spiel.
Kellaynne Conway
These kids can’t go off to college fast enough.

Int. Home-Manhattan Beach
Jimmy Kimmel
Trump is terrible.
Head Writer Wife
I know you’re excited to interview Ann Coulter Jimmy. But your cheating, slut bitch ex Sarah Silverman, is the one whose truly gone off the reservation.

 

Highlights of my day back to back.
Daughter
Daddy, this Tortellini is perfect and fresh. The seltzer really makes it pop.
Son
Mommy wasn’t entertaining me. I was playing with my Amazon Kindle.

Wife letting herself off the hook.
Baby really loves Little Bear. It’s a show on Nick Junior. Meanwhile, I’m thinking, he just prefers Little Bear’s company over you. Always knew he was a quick learner.

Intro for my 1st pilot script in 3 years, Crazy Good Dada.
Int. Dining/TV Room
(V.0)
Crazy Good Dada
This casserole was made with o.o love.
No yummy dances in mama’s honor tonight.
Crazy, good, it’s not.
Do It All Dad can’t be dismissed.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Stay Funny

The founder of the Internet laments the non-stop bitch feast it’s become. Then stop feeding into it and unfollow Lebron James on Twitter already. If you’re such a well-meaning humanitarian.

R. Kelly downplaying underage sexual abuse charges with Gayle King. I like older woman Gayle. Monique is too much woman for my taste. But your bod is tight enough. Ask me, if I’d make love to you with the lights off, pantsuit off to, please.

Raise your hands up high like in a police lineup where you belong is an example of a fan provoked racist insult attack against Russell Westbrook, especially in Utah. But the same fan telling Russ to get on his knees where he belongs just means he prays for the chance to get the inside stuff in the form of a potential back to back double header by Jesse Smollet and Ahmad Rashad. Russ rocks big ass swinging Gucci purses. It’s just a theory.

Has Obama comeback at Baby Face Omar yet for calling him a pretty face, say anything, liar, commander puppet and chief? Or is he waiting for Jay Z to write a comeback retort for him 1st? Assuming this task is outside of Ben Rhodes comfort zone.

Dr. Seuss is guilty of casual racism now. He only depicts Arabs in scenes riding Pink Albino camels. Instead of their child wives after dark.

Off the record, Tucker Carlson sounds like a witless , preppy douchebag. Why else would you name your book, Ship of Fools? It’s a moving Grateful Dead song man. His Patagonia pot head buds at boarding school blanked on giving him a heads up.

Int. Dermatology Office

Stay At Home Comedian

I agree doc. The fingers looks almost bump free. Which is more than I say for Uncle John since he was 15. For his birthday, I said blow. He snorted the cake.

Doc & Nurse laugh long time.

Int. Dermatology Office

Stay At Home Comedian

Doc, this is me on NPR with Ira Glass. My book editor for Stay At Home Comedian edited a book on Oskar Shindler. It makes me impervious to charges of being a Trumpian Nazi supporter NyQuill breath.

Int. Dermatology Office

Nurse

I like your shirt.

Stay At Home Comedian

Psycho Bunny’s got style I agree. Psycho Bunny knows I’m crazy for thinking I can sky high for dunks drinking double IPA hop bombs this summer. He reminds me I can’t.

Int. Office HR for Acast

A popular comedy podcast on our podcasting platform is My Dad Wrote a Porno.

Stay At Home Comedian

I’m assuming the mom said no to it and was a shitty improv partner to write aloud with from the start.
Int. Office

HR for Acast

A popular comedy podcast on our podcasting platform is My Dad Wrote a Porno.

Stay At Home Comedian

Why whack your head against the wall coming up with another derivative Modern Family spec script?

Int. Office

HR for Acast

A popular comedy podcast on our podcasting platform is My Dad Wrote a Porno.

Stay At Home Comedian

Was Anthony Weiner an early seed stage investor in the production?

 

Int. Office

HR for Acast

A popular comedy podcast on our podcasting hosting platform is My Dad Wrote a Porno.

Stay At Home Comedian

A parody of Boogie Nights would be more up my alley but that’s just me.

 

Int. Office

HR for Acast

A popular comedy podcast on our podcasting platform is My Dad Wrote a Porno.

Stay At Home Comedian

North Hollywood Bartending School didn’t materialize into any major money shots my way either.

 

Int. Office

HR for Acast

A popular comedy podcast on our podcasting platform is My Dad Wrote a Porno.

Stay At Home Comedian

So this makes him what, the father of Silverlake Stroller Mom porn according to Bill Maher?

 

Int. Office

HR for Acast

A popular comedy podcast on our podcasting platform is My Dad Wrote a Porno.

Stay At Home Comedian

So the podcast is Dad broadcasting the hashtags he wrote for a Giana Michels titty fuck pic? #moundofround.  I don’t get it.

 

The End 

By,

Micahel Kornbluth

 

The Queer Word

Anyone who uses the expression, I sense you’re light in the loafers or queer only makes gay, bi or trans people gay as shit for never being ordinary hackish like them.

Anyone who uses the expression, I sense you’re light in the loafers or queer was never a dominant enough Alpha in High School to rise above playing school bully because their small brains are stuck on mush soft from the 80’s.

Anyone who uses the expression, I sense you’re light in the loafers or queer couldn’t sound anymore witless ordinary if they tried. Eccentric behavior for them is watching Emo Phillips with Slayer playing in the background once.

Int. Home-Daughter’s 8 Year Old Birthday Party

Wife’s Friend
Still doing stand-up?
SAP Consultant Father In Law
Not lately.
Stay At Home Comedian
You’d think his 3 grandchildren occupied all his free time blowing off SAP Recruiters and Sales and Distribution modules.

Wife
Baby was really into my dad.
Stay At Home Comedian
It must be his comatose, edge free personality.
But keep on thinking the schlocky Leprechaun hats from Trader Joes made him more endearing.

Making my in-laws blatantly uncomfortable, as I crack wise in front of my daughter’s friend’s mom.

I get my 2 older kids in bed by 9. Then, I’ll listen to my podcast with baby in bed for a grand finale. He claps at the end of shorter episodes.

Making my in-laws blatantly uncomfortable as I flirt with my daughter’s friend’s mother to cap of my kids birthday bash.

Neil Young dating Daryl Hannah. He’s going though a post mid life, never banged a Mermaid crisis.

Mom laughs long time.

 

Making my in-laws blatantly uncomfortable, as I crack wise in front of my daughter’s friend’s mom.

Bed sharing, attachment parenting, turning your bed in a 24/7 milk bar is good for kids. It’s like planting seeds of self-esteem on steroids.

Making my in-laws blatantly uncomfortable, as I crack wise in front of my daughter’s friend’s mom.

The core curriculum for 2nd grade is hardcore. Number sentences. I’m a degenerate Jew who has to count with his fingers for simple arithmetic.

 

Making my in-laws blatantly uncomfortable, as I crack wise in front of my daughter’s friend’s mom.
I don’t mind sharing the bed with our baby. I’ll take my snuggling 40’s over my lucky to get out alive of LA, swinging 20’s, any day of the week.

 

 

Younger Brother
I’ll try to make it there by 5. Jane has to do some serious grading.
Stay At Home Comedian
Serious grading, she teaches ESL for expressionless Japanese teenagers reared on Hello Kitty.

Younger Brother
I’ll try to make it there by 5. Jane has to do some serious grading.
Stay At Home Comedian
You’d think she made major cheddar like Tony Morrison grading AP student papers on Mice and Men.

Younger Brother
I’ll try to make it there by 5. Jane has to do some serious grading.
Stay At Home Comedian
For who, suburban Chinese students who get penalized for perfect standardized test scores regardless.

Younger Brother
I’ll try to make it there by 5. Jane has to do some serious grading.
Stay At Home Comedian
Serious grading, is she teaching the new Obama 2.0? Chances are, his school records will be sealed anyway.

 

Int. Home-Birthday Party
Stay At Home Comedian
Is that your Benz outside? Hitler’s drive by car of choice.
Is your boss Raymond Dalio at Bridgewater going to enter the Democratic race to unseat Trump? Or is he another ball-less blowhard like Jamie Dimon?

 

INT. Office
Daughter’ Friend
Matilda, tells me your publishing a book? I even took a peak and read a bit.

Stay At Home Comedian
You can tell your mom, my 1st moral parenting stance, was insisting my daughter only watched Woody Allen films with me which came out pre-Soon Yi.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
Is your baby sister the 1st thing you think about in the morning?
Daughter’s Friend
I think about how my dad bumped her head against the wall.
Stay At Home Comedian
God made kids putz proof. Thank God.

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Baby Face Omar

New Urban Dictionary Submission
Anti-Semitism-Meaningless if you’re a Muslim in a post Obama America, even if they insist the Iran deal was the deal of the century for Israel.

Trump constantly calls out Nazi scum for the dirtbags, dregs of society they are yet precious Rep. Illhan Omar is held to the same social standards as brainwashed PLO intern gofers for Roger Waters.

Pelosi defending you know who.
Lawmakers support Israel because they’re getting paid off is nonsense. All Omar was trying to say was the NY Times ignored the Holocaust until it became impossible to ignore. So no worries, knowing the NY Times got her back.

Stifling debate about Mideast policy. Demonize Israel for defending it’s right to exist is the UN’s policy of radical terrorist empowerment, not in Trump’s world. But Cortez confuses the Bronx for Yorktown Heights so she’s mentally challenged to begin with.

Nancy Pelosi defending Omar behind closed doors.
Muslims will be Muslims. Let’s not act like there was a love feast between the 2 religions in the 1st place. The Koran anoints Muslims as our chosen rulers, not Spielberg, Schultz and Kushner, alright.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth