Like Mother Like Son

Me playing the role of trainer Mick for my son Art Show, AKA Feather Foot as Rocky 4 blasts in the garage as he does more sit ups on our ordained Rocky rug.

No pain Art Show, you’re pimping the American Flag bandanna big time. Let the music make your heart soar like a Bald Eagle not stressed about all his peeps being near extinct yet. 2 more, you’re going to be the prettiest bad boy soy boy in class. Every kid is going to want a piece of you, fronting to be real life tough guy, smart asses like Robert Dinero method actors in the making. Drop them on their ass for daring to fuck with you pretty boy face before they become high school loser drop-outs because they won’t want to show their mangled, mope maligned mugs after you’re done smacking their smirks on to the gym locker floor on top of their Iron Maiden Trapper Keepers. 2 more sit ups, make those dumb mooks run for the hills to their mommies for birthing such inferior, mush mouthed seed.

Me overruling my wife again.

Matilda can handle number sentences at school on a sprained ankle. It’s not like she’s ducking a fight using brass knuckles in a female remake of 3 Clock High because she’s so kettle bell dense strong, unlike the wobbles in the hyped female conjuring version of Super Bad. Because the world of comedy needs more, mild musings from the Female ID of Michael Cera. I’m sure the ska light, sexless sounding Sting promoting Rainforest meditative back beats from the latest and greatest Vampire Weekend in the film will sound more momentous and less existential strained than the Singles soundtrack no problem.

Michael Jordan torched the Jazz for 37 with the Flu in the NBA Finals with a 105-degree fever, making Karl Malone his bottom bleeding gimp. Begging to be infected with MJ’s killer attack, over the top Alpha Dog gene, versus his absence of an automatic clutch gear, no amount of fancy stick rigs or 100-pound curl raises can conceal.

Defending my Jewishness over this past Christmas.

Bloated, model of a blah brained, bearded wannabe hipster minus artistic talent blurts out “My sister is more Jewish than you are.” I reply. Have you even graduated college yet, 8 years later? You’re like Van Wilder minus the rich dad. Also, last time I checked you we’re too fat to pass the physical for the Police Academy. But I’m sure your heart was really into, Serpico. Also, I had a Bar Mitzvah and sang my Haftarah portion in Hebrew. Last time I checked, you air guitared your Ukrainian harp Bandura at Church because you’re a lazy, good for nothing blob of hobbit mole allergic to nuts and all forms of ball exertion. Who had to have your parents threaten to not pay 5 grand for your wedding if the ban of their 3 grand children who they never see was lifted. But Jesus loves the totality of you. But hey your religion allows your mom to be forgiven for being a colossal cunt and yell at my kids for jumping on the spare mattress in your old shit sty room at the foot of our old couch because it isn’t the designated, cramped play area. The room downstairs next to the kitchen, with your air guitar Bandura on the couch, as a mere decorative ornament like when you were last spotted in shame with it in Church back in the day is.

Your sister is more Jewish than me? Then, why hasn’t your dad ever used some of his SAP consultant money to pay for her nose job then? That’s right, he’s still sporting the same Tommy Bahamas from the eighties. When Trump was rebuilding Wollman Rink in Central Park for free and giving the profits to Aids men victim groups whereas your father was giggling to Monty Python sketches after work. Which did wonders for his imagination, knowing what a dead weight conversationalist you’ve become, like mother like son. Also, my kids love Futurama, but think your Bender tattoo is ridiculously stupid. A fake tattoo would’ve been a fun for a bit, right kids? If you got a fake Bender tattoo kids, worst case scenario then, you can’t be buried in a fake Jewish cemetery.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Force Feeding Communion Isn’t Kosher

 

Wife says. Arthur told me about Matilda taking a dump in the garden.

I reply. The corner in the garden is the designated pee area, when we’re having too much fun outside, when you’re at work. So, Matilda got a tad too comfortable in her lush, suburban fairy forest flicking surroundings. Also, Arthur wasn’t supposed to tell you. She knows not to do it again. Besides, we took her camping at 2. So, don’t act like taking a number 2 in our leafy lush,  side garden stone wall is the equivalent of bumming up the streets of San Francisco for entitled bum appreciation day. Also, show a spec of humor about it about our daughter’s break track of a dump. You’d think Little Bear was there, after polishing off every last drop of Mama’s Bear Fish Soup, loaded with extra quinoa, for added protein dumpage.

Last, I’m the one who stepped on her hot load of Plateosaurus poo, in my not so fresh anymore new Adidas. In reality, I should be the one steaming, knowing you’re the one who pushed the plant based, fake news pushing, Better Than Meat sausages on our Pescatarian reared daughter, not me. Only to learn from our daughter on our way to school today how she also knows what a cardboard body of Christ tastes like because it’s your mom force fed the Eucharist and her baby brother Arthur her behind my back, without my permission like a crazed Jesus freak. But my people, the Jews are the sneaky, controlling manipulative ones.  And don’t tell me the Eucharist is any different than getting a Communion, it’s an assertion of Jesus Christ being my children’s Lord and Savior. As opposed to true Master of the Universe, the one and only God, who doesn’t need to get crucified to make his presence felt. That’s right, Hillary Hammer Time Cankles isn’t the one entitled to conduct opposition research babe.

 

8 years ago, I made it clear to your mother how her Jewish raised granddaughter won’t be getting a communion ever. In the end, we should’ve told your mom about her conversion Mikveh ceremony at 2. Because she’s getting a Bat Mitzvah and closing with a 12 piece orchestra rendition of November Rain and an encore of performance of Wherever, Whenever by Shakira because the Reform Synagogue hosting the event, are cool with Lesbian rabbis, so they’ll lick it up, lick it up, oh, oh.

 

Also, we got Matilda converted to Judaism as a safety net for Heaven on earth, no Eucharist wafer required, assuming she falls in love with a Jewish doctor. Knowing her now legally solid, Jewess religious status won’t ever spurn a good guy Jew away in favor of an Atheist, Indy rock musician. Who rocks a Planned Parenthood bumper sticker on his Tesla. Possessing zero knowledge of the poor man’s Black Crows back in the day.

I still can’t believe your mom pushed the Eucharist on our 3 kids behind my back, knowing I’d shoot it down faster than her shitty chicken sausages from BJ’s. She knows were raising the kids Jewish and Jews believe in the act of Mitzvah, which is doing good for the sake of it, not for the hope of eternal life, with zero headliner entertainment to look forward besides Bill Hicks but God will want to hog him all to himself. 

 

I respect the Eucharist tradition knowing it was inspired from the Passover feast Jesus was celebrating with his fellow Jewish brethren, before the Romans crucified, twice Old Testament mentioning Yeshua. The Jews egged on the Romans, with divisive hate speech heckling from the sidelines because history proves we’re the real violent ones compared to gentiles at large, got it Mel.

But you don’t force your Jewish reared grandchildren to perform a Eucharist behind your Jewish son in law’s back, ever, it’s  the opposite of Kosher. If your mom had any alleged Jewish friends, she’d understand Jews like me, love some Jesus but never grateful over the millions of Jews killed in his name nor true believers in him being the one and only Messiah because peace on earth hasn’t happened yet. Obama nuke gifting Iran and making a hefty charitable donation to the PLO on his way out the door didn’t help, nor did W exploiting post 911 fear for all it was worth to Democracy builder uppers at Halliburton, selling Powell’s honor to the Devil without breaking sweat.

Your mother can’t accept the fact, Hillary is a 2-time loser for a reason and how the NY Times doesn’t know best. So of course she can’t deal with me being against Jesus being force fed down my throats for Christ sake.  But in the spirit of Jesus I forgive your colossal cunt of a mother for force feeding Eucharist, Communion, whatever, whenever,  down my kids throats.  I’m a proud Jewish New Yorker and so will her 3 grandchildren for life and she can’t ever take that away from me, force fed wafer or not. 

 

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comedy Gold Mobile

My wife works nights as a nurse, in labor and delivery, checking blue faced newborns for vitals signs. Which makes me feel like a self-obsessed narcissist because all I check for is for retweets and new likes on WordPress.
So, when I’m out in public with my 3 kids on a Saturday morning at the diner, I normally hear. You’ve got your hands full. I reply. If my wife agreed to an open marriage with Katy Perry. Assuming, my upcoming books sell huge. My hands would be full.

My so funny daughter making daddy laugh long time again. Daddy, what did you do with Grandma growing up? I don’t remember much kid. Daughter replies. Do you remember how awful her green beans were? I’ve created a comedy monster folks.

Shitting on my mother-in-law’s amorphous plans for Baba Camp.
Hey babe, what does Baba have planned for Baba camp for the kids? She’s only had the whole year to plan and feel God blessed about it.

Wife says. Fuck you. My mom mentioned something about taking the kids to the Delaware Aerospace Education Foundation.

I reply. But your parents have spent more money for doggy daycare than they have for any their grandchildren for the past 8 years So, don’t expect me to be floating on air to Dark Side of The Moon on the primo Maui Wowie at the prospect of them footing the bill for Space Camp anytime this millennium.

Also, Obama pulled the plug on NASA. And Space Force isn’t off the ground yet. So, I’m not expecting any major space shuttle reveals on display when they visit.

Last, we just took the kids to DC to the Air and Space Museum to gaze at Spaceship One. But a garden tour of Direct TV satellite dishes and of a UFO shaped house in the bowels of bumble fuck Delaware sounds like a blast.

I bet the ex-shuttle launch site is more deserted than Hunter Biden’s coke baggie after last call from the bathroom stall.

Me emoting about my 5-year-old-son making the monkey bars his bitch for a pleasant change of pace.

Great job Art Show, way to fill out that tang top. Don’t forget muscle has memory. My old catering boss in Orange County urged me to smile more as I worked the buffet line. Unlike you, I had no past happy muscle memory to flex from. Playing with GI Joe figures alone in my room throughout my entire 10th grade school year didn’t help. Neither did me getting a book titled the 12 Stages of Puberty from Mimi for Hanukkah one year. I said. Mom, getting this book in front of my younger brother of 3 years is so embarrassing. Jonathan already hit puberty and can play with himself whenever he wants. Mom replies. But you play with yourself all the time with your, GI-Joe figures.

Since I became a married man with 3 kids. In other words, a slut in a straight jacket. I flirt with older MILFS at the track by acting out cupping their scrumptios looking ta-tas as I run around the track to Highway to Hell to let them know how hot they look in their stretchy Lulu Lemon sports bras, begging to be manhandled in my mind at the very least.

My so funny daughter making daddy laugh again long time again.
I ask her. So, Matilda, do you think Uncle John really had a kid’s birthday party to attend, knowing he’s gotten you a grand total of 3 gifts in 8 years? Daughter replies. I think he’s telling the truth daddy. A kid’s birthday party is an elaborate excuse to blow off meeting us at the park to play ball. And Uncle John isn’t that smart.

Editor texts me. Got a huge migraine. Will have your 1st round edit by tomorrow. 2nd round of edits will take 3 days max. P.S Matilda, is so funny.

I share the text with my daughter. She replies. The Comedy Gold Mobile is all mine. I’m funnier than you are.

I reply. Relax, Female Flash. I was force feeding you lines when you can barely string to 2 words together. Do you remember the routine? Matilda do you have a nookie problem? Yes, I’m a little obsessed. I remember daddy. I also remember, money equals freedom. And Time is money and veggie bacon doesn’t pay for a Gold colored Porsche SUV. So can you get Falling For Fatherhood in publishable shape before Father’s Day already?

The End

By,
Michael Kornbluth

Fuck Weird, Weak Howard Stern

Howard Stern says. “Living under the Trump presidency feels like an alternative reality.” Howard always strained to sound forced deep. His best words of wisdom in his debut book Private Parts, was don’t go to prison. Hillary passed on the book Private Parts, in favor of Eat, Drink, Wheeze.

F weird weak Howard.
He thinks Hillary would’ve beaten Trump if she took the gamble and let him interview her. Because Huma Licker Breath came off so well on 2 Ferns. Lesbian Dial A Date would’ve loosened her up and made Hillary Hammertime Cankles come off as a less bloated, diabolical, power hungry bitch in no time.

F weak, weird Howard.
He came out to the Daily Beast as a diehard Hillary supporter. Because of her decades of public service. Name one accomplishment Howard? Besides, getting Jimmy Kimmel to turn your brain to mush
F weird, weak Howard.
Never would’ve bought his new book if I knew the reformed narcissist ever uttered the words “die hard Hillary supporter.” I thought Gary the Retard was mentally challenged. Your bullshit detector God, Lenny Bruce would be so proud.

F weak, weird Howard.

“Living under the Trump presidency feels like an alternative reality.”
Is that your PR man speaking through you Howard? So, Jimmy Kimmel still invites you for chicken parm dinners with Jennifer Aniston?

I love the bottled water she does commercials for, Smart Water. It adds extra bounce to my step. It makes me feel like Jennifer Aniston on the rebound.

F weak, weird Howard.
“He can’t stand his old narcissism.”
Going out of your way to kiss the Obama slobbering, gap toothed hick from Indiana on Late Night back in the day. I understand.
But without your old narcissism, you don’t throw legendary funerals for Imus and become the larger than life shock Jock who could afford to dump his wife backer of 20 plus years for your trans upgrade in Beth, all mighty satellite king. Also, why does your new wife Beth wear so much lipstick? Normally, so, so pretty woman wear makeup because they have less than flattering, ghoulish, manly features to hide.

F weird, weak Howard.

You paid the Rev Bob Levy a measly 100 dollars as a gag writer on your show. Still, you’ve got the gaul to bitch about the Rev Bob Levy giving lengthy plugs for his stand-up comedy shows on your radio show? Used to feed his family. And then insist he was fired from your show because you’re worse at giving credit where credit is due than the sour puss resistance faces at MSNBC, Unibrow Maddow included.

Hey Howard, this is Chris Mathews sexually harassing his new chesty intern for MSNBC. Eating out Maddow, counts as your lunch break babe.
If Howard Stern is cured of his all-consuming narcissism than why not give credit to the recent policy decisions resulting in our current Trumpian led boomtime economy?

If Howard really cared about being an evolved, non-discriminate ball buster he’d address the MSNBC assertion behind Obama being the US President responsible for the lowest unemployment rate in African American history but actually be funny about it and state.

Giving Obama credit for our current Dow Jones Highs is like giving Nino Brown credit for getting Pookie off crack and welfare in 1991.
You know New York has gotten soft. And how Howard’s gone even softer.
When the Silicon Valley lords of the universe at Twitter now exists to keep Howard’s 650-million-dollar ego, afloat, dent free.

Every other F weird, weak, Howard truth bomb joke read above was posted on Twitter earlier and got my account frozen every time. Now, I can’t even start new account because of my alleged “unsupported phone number.” Understand, I’ve started 42 new accounts over the past year to ensure my jokes get read and aren’t shadow banned again.

I would prefer if I just got a lifetime ban already from the Twitter Twat CEO Jack Dorsey. At least then, it would make an interesting talking point when I’m promoting my upcoming, self-published books this summer, Falling For Fatherhood and Stay At Home Comedian. Henry Miller had his books banned in America. I’d like to join such a prestigious club.
Howard regrets mentioning to Robin Williams how he left his ex-wife because he started to bang his nanny. But how else was Howard going to feel good about himself in the presence of an Oscar winning comedian?
Granted, the movie Private Parts loses its good guy encrusted, heart filled luster knowing Howard never stuck it out with the wife he achieved super stardom with. Who’s also the mother of his 3 kids, etc.
Howard also regrets asking Gilda Radner if Gene Wilder had a big penis? So, now that Howard is neighbors with edgeless, yenta breath, Seinfeld in South Hampton, he no longer works blue? We’re still talking about the same shock jock who thought Fart Man was needed in a major comedy advancing way to make Bill Hicks jealous in comedy heaven above?

Howard Stern Comes Again is a real headliner hooker of a book title Howard. I guess Beth comes again to Jimmy Kimmel’s Trump is bad, media is good monologue would’ve been overacting beyond her limited screen credits on IMBD.com.
Howard Stern Comes again is the worst title ever Howard. Why not name your book collection of celeb interviews, Tools Like The Unhuggable C Word O’Donnell, being proven wrong about Russian collusions tales with less legs than Lieutenant Dan?
Now Howard tells Terry Gross on NPR, how he started out in radio, only doing outrageous racial, sexual and religious material to entertain and enlarge his audience. Because he had concerns of not making a living. You were doing material you thought was funny Howard because that’s what you were judged on in addition to making your mark in less politically correct times. But keep on proving your incapable of less honest introspection than the Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein empowering, Jihadist hijacked NY Times dude.

Obama ruined Howard Stern. Add that to Obama’s illustrious list of accomplishments. Would the old school King Of All Media feel compelled to conduct an apology tour 25 years later otherwise?

Hey, Howard sound more like a double-talking FBI stiff James Comey and claim all your jokes, mostly written by others like from Jackie the Joke Man throughout the eighties and nineties we’re politically insensitive errors of judgment, lacking no real malicious intent whatsoever.

But Howard wasn’t done grossing out old school watchers of his Channel 9 show on NPR just yet. He added. “If I hadn’t grown and changed, I don’t know I could still be on the radio.” I’m sure that was Howard’s exact pitch when he resigned with Sirus XM radio for 90 mill a year.

If you hadn’t grown and changed Howard, you don’t know how you can still be on the radio? Becoming an old-world media establishment, high priced whore mouthpiece doesn’t reflect deep wowing evolution Howard. In reality, it’s a gargantuan, blatantly unnecessary, reversal of unapologetic funny. But hey, as long as Terry Gross on NPR is giving your book of interviews anybody can watch on YouTube, a favorable plug.
For all your tough talk Howard, you couldn’t handle a scrap of the 24/7 scrutiny our President endures between diet cokes, making NY flavored, ball busting great again. It could’ve been your legacy in a post fake news moralist grandstanding Obama universe, and you blew it.

Just when old school Stern loyalists like myself, couldn’t stomach any other new age drivel from Jerry Curl Crow Stubble Stern, he tells Terry Gross on NPR, his cherished superego/ID is “buried and dead.” But he still thinks the 30 million Sirus listeners could’ve swayed the election in Hillary Hammer Time Cankles favor if he only got to interview her about those deleted 30 thousand emails, including Yoga specials from Lulu Lemon and funeral arrangements in the woods, in case Chelsea Clinton’s husband decided to increase his asking price at the last sec.

Also, for legendary radio man, who made a living off aiming his comedic venom on those hypocritical, bullies in power. The fact Howard doesn’t unleash any justified venom at Trump supporter attacking ANTIFA, shadow government colluding Obama, fake news dossier financing Hillary, or on the treacherous FBI, deep state, you know Swamp Thing, signifies Howard’s title of World Heavyweight ball buster of the most deplorable, hilarious order is finished.

With KP gone, Louie’s show on FX over, Joan River’s daughter, pledging her support of Biden, the Yankees banning Kate Smith’s song of America the Beautiful, Madison Avenue being in bed with fake news fro Collin Kaepernick, The Giants trading away their only marquee personality, masters of the universe Bloomberg and Jamie Dimon at JP Morgan Chase being all talk but never showcasing the balls to take on the Big Donald on the national debate stage of ideas. My cherished New York City of old is so yesterday’s, meh, news. I was convinced Bloomberg was going to run against Trump during the last presidential election.
Then, Bernie Sanders had the DNC nomination stolen from him. So much for 2016 being the year for Atheist Jews.
But at least Park Slope’s sleepy prince of pompousness Bill De Blasio is being heckled in Trump Tower in the house that The Donald’s super ID built loud and proud. Too bad Howard’s introspective version of himself, doesn’t sound so loud and proud anymore. Between you and me, Howard no longer feels like the King of All Media, with Trump being Trump today. Above all else, that’s why Howard comes out with this book now to help solidify his good guy legacy. Meanwhile, there’s no way Howard ever works for free like our President, knowing what chump change he pays his writers to make him sound tougher than Dice.

Trump’s got great relationships with his drug free, non-hysterical children. And Baby Boomer arrogance never dies and that’s why so many other faded A list NY boomer celebs on the decline of cultural influence with less than stellar relationships with their own children, such as Robert Dinero and Alec Baldwin resent this beloved man of the people president, responsible for making ball busting great again, not weird weak Howard.
Reality update Howard, African Americans still got 99 problems, but President Trump isn’t one of them. I’m also more inclined to believe President Trump being the most pro African American President ever knowing how gang banger reformer, black pride incarnate, Jim Brown has his support over you. But at least you sold Terry Gross at NPR about burying your Super ID for good. Who sounds like the more laughable, Con Man now after all?

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Greatest Moderate Muslim Of All Time

Ali never declared Islam the greatest religion of all time. Insisting you better recognize or else Infidel. That means, chosen people my ass Cosell.

 
Ali didn’t devalue 911 by stating “some people did something”. He’d say those terrorists don’t represent me. What they did wasn’t courageous unlike Bill Maher barebacking with She He’s.
Ali appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated 38 times. And not once did you feel SI was trying to fulfill a Muslim forced diversity quota out of fear of offending old school militant Malcolm X before his pilgrimage to Mecca.
Ali never insisted the Jews in Hollywood gave their six million dead more specialty treatment coverage because they run the media, complain too much and never got over their interest charging, predatory lending business bleed into the red on such a big, generational wealth stealing scale.

 

Ali never described the Holocaust as giving him a “calm feeling.” Knowing, Norman Mailer’s mom would be spared. So, her son could report on Ali’s Thrilla In Manila and give Coltrane jerking off Jazz critics a means to afford to their rent-controlled apartments in the East Village by founding the Village Voice in the process.

 
Ali clowned around with the Beatles. And never accused them of exploiting the teenager in love humanity of Chuck Berry’s catalog of hits for all it was worth to their all about the Benjamin’s infidel, flaming gay manager Brian Epstein either.

 
Ali famously declared, “no Vietcong, have tried to kill me.” Never coming to close to today’s accusations of Trump bad for never stopping our military from knocking off Somalian Jihadists with drones in the name of poetic justice.
Ali never accused Israel of ethnic cleansing before Palestinian suicide bombers left Netanyahu no choice but to build the chosen people who elected him, the wall.

 

 

If alive today, both Ali and Mandela would try to stop the widespread murder of white South African Farmers, ensuring the story got more shouts outs than from the Michael Savage podcast and on Tucker Carlson the following evening.

 

 

Ali never accused Dick Cavett of trying to silence powerful Muslim voices by putting his audience to sleep when it was the host’s turn to speak.

 

 

Ali remained friendly with Sammy Davis Junior after he converted to Judaism like shorter, dapper, less nerdy stiff version of Rod Carew.
Ali kept fighting past his prime to give his purse money for charities not including the UN death tunnel digging fund for Hamas.
Ali never called Hitler a “great man” or refer to Sammy Davis Junior as part Candy Man part Cock Roach.

 

Ali never pushed for boycotts of Israel. But I’m sure he’d question Obama Nuke gifting Iran. In an alleged effort to stimulate their economy and make it less dependent on the sale of hair removal products for Khloe Kardashian.

 

Ali celebrated his comeback victory against Joe Frazier over an Ice Cream bar, slamming Root Beer Floats, with Malcolm X. Without threatening to impeach the motherfucker boxing commission for stealing his boxing license in his prime what’s my name, you better recognize years.

The End
By,

Michael Kornbluth

Thank You WordPress Peeps

Dear WordPress Peeps,

I wouldn’t have written my 2 upcoming books without you.

I wish I knew all your names.

You’ve given me effusive love and big time morality boosts on the stay at home comedian dad front.

Comedy needs a reaction.

You’ve given this to me and so much more.

Because of you my 3 children are big time believers in do it all dad’s books selling huge.

Because of you, I don’t have to waste my time, ranting and raving to a Trump resistor shrink.

The time has flown by.

It’s been an honor to impress, move and entertain you all.

Your growing attention and encouragement have enabled me to become my bravest, most expressive writer self.

I’ll be taking a mini break from blogging because it’s time to get both manuscripts together, start promoting them and take a time out from non stop new material generation.

After Father’s Day, I’ll be blogging my food writing book Crazy, Good Dada, Family Meals reimagined, one rant at a time.

I love you all for filling my new book author dreams with zestful, kick ass life.

You’ll all hold special claps on my heart forevermore.

This past year I’ve endured a skin cancer scare, dissolution of old friendships, destruction of any real sustainable lovable feeling from both my parents and my in-laws on top of an unrelenting ostracization from corporate America during this writing time off from the concrete jungle grind of life.

Giving birth to my 2 book babies will make all the angst worth it.

You’re the best midwives my wife never had.

Talk soon.

Love,

Michael Kornbluth

Red Lobster Resistor

Palestine was a safe haven for Jews after the Holocaust Rashida Tlaib?

But isn’t it against the Muslim faith to be in favor of any sanctuary state for the Jewish people of any kind?

Enlighten me, Ken Burns of Mecca. Calm me.

The ultra tolerant, super respected, never terrorist endorsing, highly cultured, Oliver stone movie quoting Palestinians welcomed the Jewish people after the Holocaust?

How much hashish are you smoking?

The Palestinians welcomed the Jewish people after the Holocaust.

And Roger Waters is happy for David Gilmore’s

INT. RED LOBSTER-MOTHERS DAY
Latino kid cries.
Stay At Home Comedian
Why is Julio crying?
I know the shrimp at Red Lobster isn’t Baja fresh.
But at least Jimmy Kimmel will look at his writing packet over a Trumpian supporter.

INT. RED LOBSTER
Stay At Home Comedian
I’ll have the Admiral’s feast.
Because I never outgrew my love of hair metal power ballads or taste buds from the nineties in general.

Waitress laughs long time.

On the phone with Dad on my moms cell.

We went to Red Lobster for an impromptu Mother’s Day feast.

Dad says. Do they still have all you can eat shrimp?

I say. No Dad or else I would’ve seen Rosie Odonnell’s, deplorable fat ass there.

My father has a crush on Steph Curry.

The Knicks could’ve got him.

He was the draft pick after ours.

Hey dad, remember when you told other rec coaches how much I sucked so you could hog up a greater allotment of A players available?

My wife explaining why she still enjoys visiting her parents.

I can sleep in. They look after the kids in the morning.

I say. They don’t have a choice because our kids woke them up already.

Because they were up late, hogging the big TV.

On the phone with mom for Mother’s Day.

Dad shared pictures of Arthur from his art show on Facebook. He got lots of comments.

Remember when you hid my Fire and Knives stories in your empty bar? Getting less touches than a bible in Provincetown.

Am I the only one who recognizes what a cliched hack Corey Booker sounds like?

“Beat demagogues with compassion.”

Did he read that from a resistance founded, good karma spreading, rainbow hued, Fortune Cookie shop in Bushwick?

Microsoft is using AI to enforce political correctness.

Hey, Cortana, what do you think of the lesbian couple in the new Google nest commercial?

How many woman do you think auditioned for the innocuous looking butch type?

Me defending exposing my 5 year old son to the movie Blood Sport.

Wife fumes.

Why did you show Arthur Blood Sport?

Gay, Trans, straight, I don’t care except firing my son up to not be the pussy on the receiving end of life.

You want mandatory vasectomy’s now Rape Wood?

Because you refuse to acknowledge an embryo as a life?

It’s the size of a Pomegranate seed. Got it John Oliver.

But what does the size of Alyssa Milano’s brain have to do with it?

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Pleasing God With Polite Please Prayers

It’s hard to get your wife into kinky role playing when you’re a stay at home comedian. Because I’m already choking my wife too hard financially.

This big tech purge of influential conservative voices is dumb. Nobody buys the hate speech rationale bullshit. Patton Oswalt is the hateful, bloated troll. Diamond and Silk are De La Soul in comparison.

Break up Facebook. Good Will Hoodie has too much power. He’s made Baby Boomers the laziest grandparent generation ever. My mother in law lifting a finger to like a new baby pic is more draining than you can imagine man.

Ben Shapiro cut his interview short with the BBC. Let me guess. They asked if Ben wore his skull cap to hide his devil horns but apologized for it because Baby Face Omar double dared them to do it.

I don’t care enough about Ben Shapiro’s twerp meltdown to look past into the interview from the questions which offended his impervious sense of honor. Because he was a blatant dick to Trump heading up to his historic win. Who’s the headliner slayer now?

Last comment on the over hyped Ben Shapiro interview walk off on BBC. If I’m accused of Islamophobia on air. I hit Obama hard. Obama’s the wannabe Hitler. He wished he was that organized. Obama nuke gifting Iran. Anyone home Mc Limey?

When did Cher become a parenting expert? Cher says. Trump’s kids aren’t worth a damn. Did Chaz pay for penis attachment surgery from his song royalties? Can her son of Greg Allman even score an internship with Grateful Dead and Company?

How did Al Sharpton become a Democratic party king maker? Is he Bill Clinton’s unknown love child? What does he share in common with Obama? Besides Michelle Obama’s Almond Smoothie diet and being the Jussie Smollett instigator of his day.

Bezos and Musk pissing on each other’s exploration plans.

Bezos
You can’t build shit without your butt boy Trump funding it.

Musk
How do you not feel lost in space inside your new girlfriend? She was married to Tony Gonzalez. Then again, I’ve heard about the size of your dic pic sent to her and Alexa being responsible for the death of small talk.

Pence on Omar. She has no place on the Foreign Affairs committee. Unless the bare minimum requirement for the job is to cheat real anti-Semites of better brand name recognition and improved trusted SEO rankings on Google.

Why sweat pro-life prayers outside of Planned Parenthood in Philly? That’s right, their Bible Bullies. You thought the Broad Street Bullies on the Flyers were a force to fear. Prayer Beads give Eric Lindros concussions now?

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Talent Is Never Ambiguous

I was blown away by my 5 year old’s sons Pre-K art show display. His drawings were so exacting. I never felt like such an all over the place Jew.

Dads make better cheerleaders than moms.

At my son’s art show, random dads I never met, emoted about my son’s art work over their own kids creations.

“Arthur’s got talent. And I think Monet’s overuse of pastels is overrated.”

Real art woos.

It compels random, blue collar dads, in my son’s pre-K to jerk off my son’s Monet recreations out of the blue.

“Arthur’s got talent.”

I reply.

“Thank you. My Jim Morrison black light poster in my freshman dorm room never felt more out of fashion.”

Talent is never ambiguous.

It’s clear as forced applause breaks on Late Night with Seth Meyers.

If I’m not scared of Trump.

I’m not into pleasing my mother like Seth Meyers.

His show is a participation trophy from SNL.

On the phone with mom.

I can’t wait to discuss Arthur’s favorite art show creations.

Too bad you couldn’t ask him in person in real time.

But you spoke to the owner of Kid’s Cottage about his speech issues.

But his talent isn’t ambiguous.

You had to mention his speech problems over the phone now mom.

Your timing is 1st year open mike bad.

Who cares if you’re a misunderstood artist off the canvas in person at 5 years old? Also, ever consider Speech Pathologist, you can’t keep up with my son’s motor mouth mind? A real artist like Dennis Hopper understands, man.

Nothing breaks my heart more than learning my son had nobody to play with during recess. Because nobody wanted to play Ninja with him. If his buds were only exposed to Storm Shadow from GI Joe instead of the
sychronized Power Ranger dancers.

INT. PRE-K ART SHOW
Stay At Home Comedian
Your apple is too pretty to eat.
Daughter
But daddy, you don’t even like apples.
Stay At Home Comedian
In other words, feeling less talented than your baby brother bites?

It’s hard to feel like a bust as a dad. When your 5 year old boy beams with pride at his 1st art show exhibit. Knowing, he’s made his big sister crazy with jealousy yet she does her best not to show it. Welcome to the art club, my perfect boy. You were born to shine.

Calling my parents Arizona Estate home.

Dad picks up, groggy.

What?

Was calling to emote about Arthur’s art show.

Let me guess. It’s too early to be hailing him as a creative genius just yet.

INT. HOME
Stay At Home Comedian
I got these Ninja figures at the book shop.
Now, you’ll always have somebody to play ninjas with.
Son
I meant the hide and go seek game.
Stay At Home Comedian
Artists do symbolism dude.

The End

By

Michael Kornbluth

Long Distance Grandma’s Years Off

Quotes on Mother’s Day aren’t the best sales pitch to use on Millennials
relishing their non mom status.

It’s difficult but rewarding.

Being a mom has made me so tired and happy.

Tina Fey doesn’t smirk anymore.

You’ll be less stable than single Sarah Silverman.

How does Mother’s Day change when you become a Stay At Home Dad?

Father’s Day receives equal billing, in our household at least.

Grandma’s who expect to share Mother’s Day celebrations are selfish, unless they’re local and perform the actual role of involved Grandmother. Who lives for time with her grandchildren versus Mueller blue balls reports and Jeopardy

Mother’s Day changes when you become a Stay At Home Dad.

According to LinkedIn, the most popular search I appear under is Hermaphrodite Homemaker. So technically speaking, I should get half of mama’s box of candy on Mother’s Day.

Why do mothers get all the attention on Mother’s Day?

Shouldn’t the kids be the ones celebrated knowing how much social variety they provide dad from mama?

Which ensures a happier, loving family dynamic home life to look up to.

Mother’s Day changes when you become a Stay At Home Dad.

Especially, when your lazy, Trump hating, mother-in-law amasses years of resentment because of your starring fill in status, rendering her long distance half ass Grandma services obsolete.

Mother’s Day changes when you become a Stay At Home Dad.

It’s impossible to not feel the amassed bitterness from your absentee, sloppy second Grandma from afar. Because she never offers to babysit for us on Mothers Day ever.

What does a mama’s boy do for Mother’s Day after he become a Dad for the 1st time?

Call up his mom on Mother’s Day and say.

My dependent bitch wife has hungry eyes for my exclusive attention today. I should’ve listen, I know.

It’s hard for Grandma’s to not feel like sloppy seconds moms on Mother’s Day.

Their time for spiritual molding as Oprah would say is over.

Now, all they have to show for it is a daughter who thinks 3rd term abortion is kosher.

Grandma’s, especially long distance ones should kiss mama’s ass on Mother’s Day.

Because their lives on Facebook would offer them nothing but empty filler, full of stupid memes such as Joe Biden is just old school touchy, feely.

What does an ANTIFA terrorist do to celebrate the best of his love for mom on Mother’s Day?

Take out the trash for once. Meaning move out of the house for good.

Keep his mask on and spare ma the acne scars which never cleared up.

How does Linda Sarsour celebrate Mothers Day?

Have Roger Waters sing Mother to her mom via Skype on his private jet pro bono?

To ensure Palestinian voices condemning smothering, liberty suffocating mothers aren’t silenced.

What can John Kerry’s daughter give her mom for Mother’s Day which she doesn’t already have? Besides, a glued on, replica of Jared Leto’s face to replace her pruned apple one for Iluminati gang bangs in Martha’s Vineyard.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth