The Stand Up Leech Doctor

Once upon a time there was a Cardiologist from New Orleans who moved to Manhattan to become a Stand-Up Leech Doctor named Aioli Kornbluth.  Every day in his new Upper East Side office across the street from the famed Comic Strip Live on 2nd Avenue, he’d offer his bad blood removal service free of charge. Growing up in New Orleans, his Cardiologist father Michael decided to name his kid Aioli because no son, planned or not, could compare to his dearly departed 1st born Zevon Kornbluth who died in Vietnam from a falling tree. Aioli Kornbluth’s father always said, “Laughter was the best medicine for a heavy heart”, so he named his unplanned son Aioli, which lightened his cinderblock clogged heart every time he ordered his son to do his errands as a kid such as, “Make your bed Aioli, take out the trash Aioli, your Snoop Dog records to. I don’t care that he samples funk beats and big horns from Curtis Mayfield records. His brain still hovers a notch below porn hell in my book.”

As a kid, Aioli Kornbluth was forced to feel like the unwanted, aborted one, prompting him to use his allowance for a whole year to buy a Henry Kissinger doll from a Voodoo Doctor in the French Quarter, to seek revenge on the merchant of death responsible for the rapid, incessant, blatantly unnecessary acceleration of the Vietnam war, but he didn’t have enough money saved for the costs of so much fabric. Still, the Voodoo Doctor Chief Longwinded Bow, gave Aioli Kornbluth more than a mere constellation prize in return by offering to teach the ancient black magic art of bad blood removal through leech expungement.  

A young 13-year-old Aioli Kornbluth poured his heart out to Chief Longwinded Bow, trying to look his dapper best, sporting his standard, ironed, Catholic Private School suit and tie attire, from the same school where Eli and Peyton Manning attended as kids down off the Bayou. He says, “Chief, can I call you just Chief? I’d like to be curt, so you have more time to ramble on. I can’t shake the feeling that my dad will never forgive God for taking his 1st born, my big brother away from him so soon. You’d think I’d offer some solace being on the Honor Roll year after year. I even broke Eli Manning’s single season touchdown record yet pops would rather listen to Fat’s Domino records on Sunday while sipping more Blanton’s High Balls, reading more damn Michael Crichton novels, than ever taking the time to throw the pig skin around the yard with me. Also, Eli Manning is a bigger pimp than Tom Brady. He’s New Orleans royalty for starters. Plus, Eli married his college sweetheart not some annoying Brazilian chicken head either. Giselle is also like 80 in model years.” Chief Longwinded Bow says, “And Oliver Stone has the gaul to call me longwinded compared to my younger Brother, “Snorts Coke With Vampires when he hired us as creative consultants on the set of Natural Born Killer. Moving forward I would add some leaches to your diet. You can swallow them whole or dice them and sauté them in butter nestled within a crawfish pie if you’d like. Either way, the leeches will remove any ill will you have for your father for never making you feel like an esteemed, wanted member of your family.” Aioli Kornbluth says, “I love Crawfish Pie. I’ve always told my dad Crawfish is shrimp with more personality. Yeah, my dad doesn’t think I’m funny enough to be stand up comedian either.”  

But now Aioli Kornbluth is about to turn 40 in Manhattan with no kids or wife in his life. All he’s got his fancy cardiologist office practice on the Upper East Side and dreams of becoming a Stand-Up Leech Doctor although tonight was the annual audition try out for the Comic Strip, which he had been practicing for his entire life. His number is called and Aioli Kornbluth approaches the stage yet fumbles grabbing the mike out of the stand. Aioli says, “Can you believe I’m a Cardiologist and perform open heart surgery for a living.” Crowd screams with approval. Aioli relaxes a tad and roams the stage to take in the crowd and the moment he’s dreamed of turning into reality forever while almost tripping over the coiled microphone chord. Aioli stares at the mike cord on stage and says, “The mike cord isn’t a live snake. You’d think being raised by a bunch of Marti Gras Indians; I wouldn’t let a microphone chord rattle my game.” Crowd laughs again.  Laughter was the best medicine for a heavy heart and Aioli Kornbluth was sad no more, until he died on stage soon after and was told to never audition for the Comic Strip ever again. The owner of the Comic Strip said, “Stick with sticking your heart attack patients with more stents.”

The End

Michael Kornbluth

Resisting Synagogue Distancing

I don’t need to see Chelsea Handler topless to expose her disdain for an administration who champions the reopening of all houses of worship in another desperate attempt to downplay her tits sagging popularity again and again. And you can talk about the incessant, mandatory need for social distancing all you want, but it’s not as if the more wokeified reformed Jewish Rabbis in the US pre-Corona were playing to packed houses either.

But overt hostility directed at the Trump administration, his freedom loving supporters or toward Torah obeying Hasidic Jews isn’t New Testament new either. This morning, I tell my wife, “I identify with Chabad Hasidism because their members aren’t Holocaust trivializing, Nazi name calling supremacists, who love all Jews as much as NPR’s inflated sense of self-importance.” She says, “Well someone whose been in contact with plenty of Hasidic woman as a nurse in labor and delivery, I can tell you, Hasidic woman have less freedom than Orthodox Jewish woman do, who only exist to bang out more babies really.” I snap back with, “Just because you watched Unorthodox on Netflix, you’re a Social Worker now to? Plus, Hasidic woman can also use the Instant Pot today to, which reduces Brisket cooking cutting time in half. So, slaving away in the kitchen is no longer such a time sucking existence anymore either. But I’m supposed to demonize the entire Hasidic sect of Judaism because the NY Times post fake news claims working moms today spend more time today with their kids than stay at home moms did in the 1970’s? So, stay at home mom’s in the 1970’s slept on the job on too many Quaaludes, haunted by memories of Bill Cosby’s family friendly dentist drilling material of yesteryear? I don’t get it.

Last, what’s so wrong about Hasidic woman raising future generations of doctors and rabbi’s turned comedians like Jackie Mason, who help perfect the world through medicinal healing or comedic song?”

Giving lockdown orders on Synagogues throughout neighborhoods such as Borough Park and Midwood in New York because Mayor DeBlasio and Governor Cuomo are worried about fending off this new wave of Corona infections less than a month before election day, during the most festive, infectiously joyous weeklong holiday of Sukkot, felt forced magnanimous to me. Especially after our so called morally exalted leaders of New York allowed rioters and looters to shatter Macy’s windows on 34 Street unimpeded. The same feckless leaders who defunded the NYPD in the face of nonstop lawlessness in the form of looting, shooting and sucker punching of beloved actor Rick Moranis since this Thug Lives Matter Most horror show began, whether your black or white cloaked in black hoodies representing Pacific Northwest ANTIFA. Killing off the once endlessly vibrant life force of my beloved concrete jungle of yesteryear, one boarded up storefront at a time as the once unthinkable exodus from New York City began. Because looting Gucci ain’t a thing but a reparations thing knowing Beyonce didn’t stand for the National Anthem during the Super Bowl because Demi Lovato sounds like the white privileged version of Alabama Shakes.  

But at least liquor stores are still considered houses of worship in New York State in addition to 3rd trimester pushing abortion clinics. Because Planned Parenthood is an essential place of business to abort a fully formed fetus on demand, which is kosher in Cuomo’s eyes and in Bill Maher’s book. President Trump should nickname Governor Cuomo The Italian Reptilian inside, especially after he caused the death of 6000 plus elderly patients, by forcing elderly homes throughout NY to accept new COVID patients to fill out all the extra body bags they were ordered to take in with them to. Still, this thug in Armani who looks like the Thing and Mama Fratelli from the Goonies had a baby, has the chutzpah to write a book on leadership lessons based on his alleged stellar handling the of the Coronavirus pandemic, despite him blaming all those unnecessary nursing home deaths on Trump, the GOP and Fox News. Because the Italian Reptilian Inside Cuomo was just following the Department of Health’s marching orders like a good Soros, one world order licking solider, despite him writing the order in March demanding all elderly homes in NY accept COVID patients while the revamped Javits Center remained empty in addition to President Trump’s shipped in Hospital Ship, which got less touches than a Bible on board a Booze Cruise on its way to Provincetown.

Cuomo and DeBlasio aren’t concerned about minimizing the spread of Covid. All they care about is preserving their power through the very fear mongering they accuse President Trump of, through constantly pinning the entirety of this Chinese made virus aftermath on his administration despite POTUS canceling all incoming travel from China in March while DeBlasio fumbled with chopsticks during a photo op in Chinatown at the same time, urging naturally neurotic New Yorkers to get a grip.

I also don’t recall mosques in NYC being on the receiving end of such prayer distancing restrictions, despite Muslims praying more frequently in their houses of worship compared to Jews and Christians, which the loudspeaker call to prayer in Astoria, NY will remind you of, 5 times a day if you ever forgot prior because you used to have an office in Manhattan, that wasn’t at home, before the boss distancing remote work world began.  Yesterday, I asked my voice activated assistant Alexa speaker, “How many more days till Hannukah?” Alexa says, “I don’t know.” I reply with, “I bet you know the countdown till Ramadan because you wouldn’t want to be branded Islamophobic like President Trump if you dare question the staying power of Obama’s timeout nuke building deal with Iran, knowing Iran is only the biggest sponsor of worldwide terror since the construction of the last Death Star.”

Cuomo and DeBlasio derive sick, soulless pleasure from keeping true believing Christians out of Churches like Amy Barrett and strict rule following Jewish men of faith out of Synagogues because they also represent a significant size of Trump supporters who defend his stance against late term abortion especially in addition to his foreign policy stance responsible for creating peace through strength in the Middle East by normalizing relations between Israel and it’s Arab neighbors, who recognize Iran as being the true face of evil, which no amount of Shadowbanning by Big Tech can conceal.

America was founded on the basis of granting religious liberty without the fear of prosecution like being fined for breaking social distancing rules during Easter or the most recent Jewish holiday of Sukkot. All houses of worship in the US, mosques to, offer the most holy God loving bind around us that unites us all. And anyone who thinks Democrats in charge of NY care about pleasing God through polite prayer or punishing the real face of evil, responsible for rampant, enabled acts of widespread violence throughout the streets of NY, 8 million New Yorkers call home, my native home also, can go woke themselves to.

My most spine tingly memories of Synagogue revolve around my childhood congregation standing up in unison to sing the always rousing, unifying prayer, “She-ma yisrael, adonai, eloheinu, adonai, echad. Hear O Israel, the Lord is our God, The Lord is one.” Hear that DeBlasio, the Lord is our God, not you or the Italian Reptilian Cuomo inside. All the fines, religious school shutdowns and mask shaming imposed hysteria, won’t keep God’s cosmic perfectionists from performing mitzvot such as teaching our children Torah at home and through prayer which doesn’t require walls to suppress the glorification of the almighty, while praising all that’s good in our hearts and souls forevermore. Even Kid Rock would gave that soul sermon serenade an Amen.  I say Amen.

And anyone who calls me a racist fringe conspiracist for hating how my 3 kids are forced to dress in masks now every day now like its Sharia Law Appreciation Day, can go woke themselves to.  While DeBlasio and Cuomo use our kids as pawns to wreck our economy, ruin their age of innocence and demolish patriots means to provide the American dream for our children because we have nobody to look after our kids from home for remote learning since Facebook has made baby boomers the laziest, most hands off grandparent generation of all time. Lifting a finger is liking a new picture on Facebook, assuming my kids aren’t posing in a fighter plane during a Blue Angels air show at Stewart Airport in a pro patriot Trumpian lead America, God forbid.   

Michael Kornbluth

Resisting Synagogue Distancing

I don’t need to see Chelsea Handler topless to expose her disdain for an administration who champions the reopening of all houses of worship in another desperate attempt to downplay her tits sagging popularity again and again. And you can talk about the incessant, mandatory need for social distancing all you want, but it’s not as if the more wokeified reformed Jewish Rabbis in the US pre-Corona were playing to packed houses either.

But overt hostility directed at the Trump administration, his freedom loving supporters or toward Torah obeying Hasidic Jews isn’t New Testament new either. This morning, I tell my wife, “I identify with Chabad Hasidism because their members aren’t Holocaust trivializing, Nazi name calling supremacists, who love all Jews as much as NPR’s inflated sense of self-importance.” She says, “Well someone whose been in contact with plenty of Hasidic woman as a nurse in labor and delivery, I can tell you, Hasidic woman have less freedom than Orthodox Jewish woman do, who only exist to bang out more babies really.” I snap back with, “Just because you watched Unorthodox on Netflix, you’re a Social Worker now to? Plus, Hasidic woman can also use the Instant Pot today to, which reduces Brisket cooking cutting time in half. So, slaving away in the kitchen is no longer such a time sucking existence anymore either. But I’m supposed to demonize the entire Hasidic sect of Judaism because the NY Times post fake news claims working moms today spend more time today with their kids than stay at home moms did in the 1970’s? So, stay at home mom’s in the 1970’s slept on the job on too many Quaaludes, haunted by memories of Bill Cosby’s family friendly dentist drilling material of yesteryear? I don’t get it.

Last, what’s so wrong about Hasidic woman raising future generations of doctors and rabbi’s turned comedians like Jackie Mason, who help perfect the world through medicinal healing or comedic song?”

Giving lockdown orders on Synagogues throughout neighborhoods such as Borough Park and Midwood in New York because Mayor DeBlasio and Governor Cuomo are worried about fending off this new wave of Corona infections less than a month before election day, during the most festive, infectiously joyous weeklong holiday of Sukkot, felt forced magnanimous to me. Especially after our so called morally exalted leaders of New York allowed rioters and looters to shatter Macy’s windows on 34 Street unimpeded. The same feckless leaders who defunded the NYPD in the face of nonstop lawlessness in the form of looting, shooting and sucker punching of beloved actor Rick Moranis since this Thug Lives Matter Most horror show began, whether your black or white cloaked in black hoodies representing Pacific Northwest ANTIFA. Killing off the once endlessly vibrant life force of my beloved concrete jungle of yesteryear, one boarded up storefront at a time as the once unthinkable exodus from New York City began. Because looting Gucci ain’t a thing but a reparations thing knowing Beyonce didn’t stand for the National Anthem during the Super Bowl because Demi Lovato sounds like the white privileged version of Alabama Shakes.  

But at least liquor stores are still considered houses of worship in New York State in addition to 3rd trimester pushing abortion clinics. Because Planned Parenthood is an essential place of business to abort a fully formed fetus on demand, which is kosher in Cuomo’s eyes and in Bill Maher’s book. President Trump should nickname Governor Cuomo The Italian Reptilian inside, especially after he caused the death of 6000 plus elderly patients, by forcing elderly homes throughout NY to accept new COVID patients to fill out all the extra body bags they were ordered to take in with them to. Still, this thug in Armani who looks like the Thing and Mama Fratelli from the Goonies had a baby, has the chutzpah to write a book on leadership lessons based on his alleged stellar handling the of the Coronavirus pandemic, despite him blaming all those unnecessary nursing home deaths on Trump, the GOP and Fox News. Because the Italian Reptilian Inside Cuomo was just following the Department of Health’s marching orders like a good Soros, one world order licking solider, despite him writing the order in March demanding all elderly homes in NY accept COVID patients while the revamped Javits Center remained empty in addition to President Trump’s shipped in Hospital Ship, which got less touches than a Bible on board a Booze Cruise on its way to Provincetown.

Cuomo and DeBlasio aren’t concerned about minimizing the spread of Covid. All they care about is preserving their power through the very fear mongering they accuse President Trump of, through constantly pinning the entirety of this Chinese made virus aftermath on his administration despite POTUS canceling all incoming travel from China in March while DeBlasio fumbled with chopsticks during a photo op in Chinatown at the same time, urging naturally neurotic New Yorkers to get a grip.

I also don’t recall mosques in NYC being on the receiving end of such prayer distancing restrictions, despite Muslims praying more frequently in their houses of worship compared to Jews and Christians, which the loudspeaker call to prayer in Astoria, NY will remind you of, 5 times a day if you ever forgot prior because you used to have an office in Manhattan, that wasn’t at home, before the boss distancing remote work world began.  Yesterday, I asked my voice activated assistant Alexa speaker, “How many more days till Hannukah?” Alexa says, “I don’t know.” I reply with, “I bet you know the countdown till Ramadan because you wouldn’t want to be branded Islamophobic like President Trump if you dare question the staying power of Obama’s timeout nuke building deal with Iran, knowing Iran is only the biggest sponsor of worldwide terror since the construction of the last Death Star.”

Cuomo and DeBlasio derive sick, soulless pleasure from keeping true believing Christians out of Churches like Amy Barrett and strict rule following Jewish men of faith out of Synagogues because they also represent a significant size of Trump supporters who defend his stance against late term abortion especially in addition to his foreign policy stance responsible for creating peace through strength in the Middle East by normalizing relations between Israel and it’s Arab neighbors, who recognize Iran as being the true face of evil, which no amount of Shadowbanning by Big Tech can conceal.

America was founded on the basis of granting religious liberty without the fear of prosecution like being fined for breaking social distancing rules during Easter or the most recent Jewish holiday of Sukkot. All houses of worship in the US, mosques to, offer the most holy God loving bind around us that unites us all. And anyone who thinks Democrats in charge of NY care about pleasing God through polite prayer or punishing the real face of evil, responsible for rampant, enabled acts of widespread violence throughout the streets of NY, 8 million New Yorkers call home, my native home also, can go woke themselves to.

My most spine tingly memories of Synagogue revolve around my childhood congregation standing up in unison to sing the always rousing, unifying prayer, “She-ma yisrael, adonai, eloheinu, adonai, echad. Hear O Israel, the Lord is our God, The Lord is one.” Hear that DeBlasio, the Lord is our God, not you or the Italian Reptilian Cuomo inside. All the fines, religious school shutdowns and mask shaming imposed hysteria, won’t keep God’s cosmic perfectionists from performing mitzvot such as teaching our children Torah at home and through prayer which doesn’t require walls to suppress the glorification of the almighty, while praising all that’s good in our hearts and souls forevermore. Even Kid Rock would gave that soul sermon serenade an Amen.  I say Amen.

And anyone who calls me a racist fringe conspiracist for hating how my 3 kids are forced to dress in masks now every day now like its Sharia Law Appreciation Day, can go woke themselves to.  While DeBlasio and Cuomo use our kids as pawns to wreck our economy, ruin their age of innocence and demolish patriots means to provide the American dream for our children because we have nobody to look after our kids from home for remote learning since Facebook has made baby boomers the laziest, most hands off grandparent generation of all time. Lifting a finger is liking a new picture on Facebook, assuming my kids aren’t posing in a fighter plane during a Blue Angels air show at Stewart Airport in a pro patriot Trumpian lead America, God forbid.   

Michael Kornbluth

Love My Blog, Would Love A Book Review

Dear Fans,

The Great American Jew Novel is finally available in old school book form.  I trimmed the fat, which detracted from the thrust of my plot long time.  You can consume the book in one inhaling easy.  I’d love reviews in exchange for a signed a copy, which will be worth big bucks someday. The meatier offering version of The Great American Jew Novel, loaded with more mouthfuls of hilarity is available on Audible, for those who require an occasional breather from time to time.  Have I sexualized my books enough for your tastes yet?

https://www.amazon.com/The-Great-American-Jew-Novel/dp/B08D53JB8B

Email me anytime for a complimentary book request on the house at doitalldadyear@outlook.com.  I blogged the Great American Jew Novel into existence under the Corona lockdown of 2020 through the grace of God and his sustained belief in me rising to the occasion.  I also wouldn’t haven written this book with such extreme gusto without the sustained interest of all you hardcore WordPress fans throughout every new chapter post I made. My daughter Matilda, inspiring me to write a mini star vehicle in her honor and entertaining her 2 younger brothers with creative play while I banged out my 1st semi-autobiographical novel on the cusp of my 44th birthday helped long time to, despite the last thing my wife wanted to hear was that I was writing another book again.

Thanks for making me a big dreamer doer again, WordPress fans at large. My Do It All Dad Year Podcast, this blog and past 4 books wouldn’t have possible without you being the best open mike audience God has blessed with me outside of my 3 biggest fans in the universe on the stay at home comedian front, no offense.  Also, thanks again to my old school Twitter peeps, for all your past retweet joke love, which helped give me the confidence to take down all the big dogs in comedy throughout my pre-election comedy special Resist This book. You’re the best to.

Last, on Yelp they don’t call me Michael the Emoter Kornbluth for nothing. So, I’d have zero problem reviewing any of your books in exchange for a review of The Great American Jew Novel or for Resist This, only 60 plus pages, available in print form now to.

My Very Best,

Michael Kornbluth

 

We Didn’t Start The Fire Billy

Vice President Mike Pence talking shit about Obama’s trade record during a campaign trip at a glass manufacturing company in Pennsylvania. VP Mike Pence says, “Obama presided over the most expansive outsourcing of manufacturing jobs in US history. He made W look like a serial slacker, with his feet hoisted high on the Oval Office Desk, kicking it, sipping more Coconut Water, without sweating your ability to put more God blessed pot roast on the table. Not even Billy Joel cared enough about your lost jobs during the Obama outsourcing era, to mine another gold record out of your easily avoidable misery for Christ sake. Sorry Lord, even Ned Flanders loses his cool from time to time. Billy says he’s not a big fan of President Trump, but Billy Joel’s Greatest Hits was lullaby music for 80’s Republicans. Plus, there weren’t just bused in new age Neo Nazi’s from Central Casting in Charlottesville that day but also peaceful protesters protesting the taking down of a statue of Robert E Lee, in addition to agitators from ANTIFA, who aren’t very fine people, in the mythical made up sense or not. Last, how does a member of ANTIFA respect thy mother on Mother’s Day exactly? Take out the trash and move out of her house for good? I thought New Yorkers like Billy Joel had stronger bull-crap detection abilities than this. Or is Billy from Yenta Breath Country in Long Island? And to quote the wise, God loving, Robert E. Lee, “There are few, I believe, in this enlightened age, who will not acknowledge that slavery as an institution is a moral and political evil.” So why don’t you be good American Billy and shine those lights on Broadway on how Fake News has become the moral and political evil of its day? Call yourself an Uber home, because I’m assuming your license is suspended, despite New York State giving them away for free to Illegal Aliens so the radical left can try to steal another election and make Michelle proud her of her country again, God forbid. Sorry again Lord, the Fakes News Media makes it hard to turn the other cheek. In honor of the great Kid Rock, can I get an Amen? I say, Amen.

Michael Kornbluth

Best Friend Israel Never Had

When you broker a peace treaty between Israel and the United Arab of Emirates, dismantle the nuke timeout deal with Iran and move our embassy to Jerusalem, it makes President Trump more of a Hebrew Nationalist. But black Hebrews can’t be anti-Jew because they’re the real chosen people according to Nick Cannon. Plus, in Nick Cannon’s defense, he isn’t another self-hating Jew hire to manage the post woke editorial board for the New York Times.

Michael Kornbluth