The Maudlin Mermaid Waffle

I’m doing sight words with my 7-year-old son Art Show, documented as Arthur Morrison Kornbluth on his Social Security Card, which looked more bad ass than it sounds when I received it in the mail. Coming up with the middle name Morrison for my son was a divine blessed miracle despite Sam Harris’s snippy claims of belief-based hogwash otherwise because Morrison creates an actual flow to Kornbluth, which is easier said than done. One time I considered naming my 1st son Arthur Brooks Kornbluth in honor of funny man Hebrews who have inspired me to become a professional funnyman one day such as the perpetually smug dour, Albert Brooks. Bu then I changed my mind because I didn’t want to give my son the permission to be a victimized plagued, Jewish pushy. At the time, I also liked the idea of pissing off my dad, with the name Arthur Morrison Kornbluth, so he could say to me, “Morrison, isn’t very Jewish genius.” Only for me to reply with, “But up and coming Jewish comedians who want to break into show busines have changed their last names since the dawn of time to come across as less overtly, kvetchy, pushover Jewy, like Jonathan Leibowitz, who changed his name to Jon Stewart or Andrew Silverstein, who went with straight up Dice, after jacking the Buddy Love asshole persona from the original Nutty Professor and Elvis’s puffed up pompadour hair due while also pumping the entirety of Mother Gooses rhymes for all they were worth.  So, it’s ok for self-motivated, scrappy comedians on the rise to change their names the way Rodney and Joan did but it isn’t kosher to give my son the middle name Morrison because it reminds you too much of Toni Morrison, Van Morrison or Tommy Gun Morrison from Rocky 5, Dad? I don’t get it. I know you prefer Dylan’s word dumps over Van Morrison or my own for that matter. Still, I’m not giving my son permission to drink himself to death by the magic 27 the way Jim MOJO Motherfucking Rising did. Instead, my son has an effortlessly cool, larger than life name to live up to, who won’t lie to reporters about his parents dying in a car accident, discovered by Indians to avoid talking about his disapproving Dad, despite being the dark price of poetic rock of his day.  

I never considered changing my last name in a sneaky, misleading attempt to break into show business in a more palatable, less in your face Jewy fashion although I did experiment on stage during my years on the open mike circuit throughout dumpy towny bars in the talent agent free hinterlands of Northern Westchester County, by having the MC introduce me as Michael Rocker for a bit. I had good sets with that name to but stopped using it because the stage name Michael Rocker started sounding like an easily discarded 1st name idea for the new porn up and comer actor to replace Dirk Diggler as the new face of VHS tape porn in Boogie Nights. Paul Thomas Anderson lives, holla, thank you very much.

Since I’ve become a practicing Koshertarian comedian, the idea of changing my last name, to blend in better with our Christian dominated nation at large, fails to give me sustained stiffage to, just to give the MC an easier last name to annunciate than Kornbluth. Kornbluth is a total mouthfeel I get it. Kim Kardashian can’t wrap her mouth around it. But now Kim is going to become a Social Justice Lawyer. Social Justice Lawyers are so hot right now, What Makes Sammy Run? on Amazon, not so much.

Also, after just watching Mank on Netflix, the stubbornly depressing, factual based reality of the Jewish Moguls such as Louis B Mayer being hesitant to pressure Washington to stop Hitler from franchising Concentration Camps like Johnny Rockets throughout Poland and Germany out of fear of hurting MGM’s profit’s from the number 1 overseas market of it’s time, the China of its day, drains me of any lingering leftover desire to becoming a woke chameleon to play nice with the Dream Factories founded by Jewish moguls complicit in being engaged in the Nazi profiteering business, making them no better than Joe Kennedy in my book.

For my daughter’s 10th birthday, a couple of weeks ago, I wanted to make Kosher barbeque Brisket sliders, yet my wife got tense about the concept. I said, “Why are you tense about telling your mom about our family rocking the Koshertarian Diet? Oh, yeah, she performed eucharist on my 3 kids behind my back. I totally forget it for a second. We don’t want to advertise any affiliation with the Jewish faith in our own home, got it.  It’s like forcing your mom to eat a shit sandwich with Biden’s mask nappy on while gagging on such rancid, unpleasant in your face Jewishness. It’s borderline suicidal triggering offense, on par with Meghan Markle being forced to balance the Queen’s Gin and Tonics on her head for charm school posture 101, when she wasn’t lounging in the VIP box at Wimbledon, having it all to herself, while banning all reporters from the premises, thinking, “Even Beyonce isn’t white looking enough, to get away with this shit.”

Yeah, so if Meghan Markle was ever really suicidal while nursing a thumb sprain for losing a thumb wrestling match to Michelle Obama after a post Wimbledon party which got out of hand, over who got  1st dibs on pegging Archie from behind, before his face got rammed into royal tapestry rug to the point where his freckles got smooshed off in process, she never would’ve written a passive aggressive not on par with the one Kate Spade left for her only daughter, which read, “Dad will explain.” Kate Spade’s widowed husband reads the suicide note out loud at the time and screams, “Dad will explain. Dad will explain, what Kate? I, was the one who was impossible to live with? What a bag of shit Kate.”  Holla, thank you very much.

So, I’m doing more sight words with my son Arthur Morison Kornbluth this morning and he only gets 2 wrong, still prompting me to call him a “Fake News Genius” and “Bubble Tape Brain”, after he failed to the recognize the word “saw”, despite me acting out using a handsaw to chop off his femur in half as he howled shrieks of endless joyous, angelic delight. But believing in a loving God is equivalent to believing in an indifferent alien psychopath like Predator, Sam Harris? I know Scientists can’t prove God exists despite you building a successful podcast career playing a pseudo brainer, punch free, zero gravitas exuding version of Bill Maher for a living, for daring to accuse Christians of killing, torturing and enslaving in name of the original, super Jew of his time, got it.  Also, I hate to burst your meditative, vastly spiritual bubble Sam Harris, but the Torah wasn’t written by Tony Kushner either, because then it would come across as excessively wordy, even for Kevin’s Smith’s tastes. Get Kevin Smith away from those damn Tablets. Punching up Good Will Hunting isn’t the same as the punching up the old Testament, Mallrats lives, holla, thank you very much.”

Later, my son’s ecstatic high was short lived after mama presented her Kellogg’s brand of purple Mermaid waffles. Don’t get me wrong the whip cream and blueberries was a nice touch on top, but it couldn’t remove the scarring of image of what Grimace puked after a group of kids gave him a barrage of leg jumps in the eighties in the ball pit at Mcdonald’s during the height of Hulkamania, assuming he was a secret lush, who drank too many vodka laced, Lavender Smoothies between bathroom breaks in between.  So much for running out of ideas for new chapter entries for the Koshertarian Comedian, despite my total non-involvement in mama’s Maudlin Mermaid Waffle bust or not. Although my wife trying to upstage me as our new in-house Koshetarian Comedian failed to materialize in her favor, when she kidded about the frozen Mermaid waffles being made of Mermaid blood, or something gross like that. In related news, did you know Neil Young left his wife of 25 years for the actress Daryll Hannah. Talk about a match made in hippie heaven. Neil Young’s Publicist told Rolling Stone off the record, “Neil is going through a post midlife never banged a mermaid crisis. What Gen X Dads understand, holla, thank very much.

Michael Kornbluth

Death Of A Bose Salesman

Once upon a time there was Sales Rep for Bose who suffered from Loud Man’s Disease.  He loved blasting The Who, Led Zeppelin   and AC/DC at work in the listening booth before he turned borderline deaf. Now, all Michael the Sales Rep from Bose hears is AC/DC’s song Hells Bells. Michael Yeller always believed louder is better until now because he was longer ablet to sing Search and Destroy by Iggy Pop and Stooges at the local Karaoke bar in White Plains, NY after work with his boss anymore.   

Growing up, Michael only wanted to play air guitar like the great metal shredders throughout the walls of his childhood room, which included pictures Mick Mars from Motley Crew, the Freddy Kruger of shredding, the steel guitar slaying, Gypsy Road howler Tom Kiefer from Cinderella and the Tasmanian Devil of pretty good metal pop CC Deville from Poison. Later, Michael tried to learn the guitar after his parents got him an acoustic one for Hannukah but he already started smoking weed by junior year in high school, so the hand dexterity and hours of practice necessary to assume any semblance of functional playing mastery over the guitar were out of his self-imposed reach.

After college, Michael tried to make a living as an IT Headhunter in LA but IT Directors half his age didn’t appreciate being hounded by a such a loudmouth New Yorker who had less voice control than Busta Rhymes at a midnight showing of Higher Learning. Also, everyone in LA is very cagy, accustomed to time alone in their cars and airy, open rooftop hotel bars and non-descript, low key bars on random, zero foot traffic streets, unaccustomed to Vince Vaughn clones from Swingers from New York like Michael who was actually told to hush while on a date to see Eric Clapton at the Hollywood Bowl once. Eventually, Michael moved back to NY and did digital ad sales for Citysearch and started to try open mike stand up comedy. When working for Citysearch he’d say on stage, “Citysearch is city guide used mostly by gay men to find who gives the best facial.” But Michael struggled to unleash his inner rock star on stage, because if his 1st joke bombed, he could never win the audience back, which stripped him of the confidence to riff and piggy back off the waves of laughter, opting to go into any new inspired direction of hilarity he choose.  

At the Christmas party for CitySearch Michael sang his best rendition of Wanted Dead or Alive yet, which he had perfected over the years. The high end 15-year Macallan scotch helped. Still, he got fired the next day for getting black out drunk and dry humping the coat check girl on the dance floor to Oh What A Feeling.

Knowing Michael couldn’t pay rent through playing air guitar renditions of Fallen Angel in Times Square, or make any money at stand-up comedy in NYC because he had to actually invite his friends to get performing time at the NY Comedy Club at all, he decided to find a job, where his loud man disease could be neutralized, where it wouldn’t become such a career hindering liability and got a job in suburbs at The Westchester Mall in White Plains, NY selling state of the art stereo equipment for Bose. Michael’s boss gave him some leeway and allowed him to tell some jokes, because he knew the stand-up comedy bug wasn’t out of his system all together. Michael would be selling noise cancelation headphones, “Yenta Silencers”, is what he’d call them specifically before sampling new bits on random customers such as, “Did you know Google fired 25 software engineers for sexual harassment? But software engineers are too busy banging out code to hit on girls at work. Plus, if you’re a software engineer at Google, your typical Pearl command script isn’t, “Massage my carpel tunnel ho.”  

But one day during a demo presentation for AC/DC Back In Black on surround sound in the primo listening sampling room at work, Michael lost his ability to hear fully, now only hearing the death knell Church bell clang to Hells Bells. Was God punishing Michael for his Loud Man’s Disease forever? How could Michael ever sing Karaoke again, losing all semblance of voice control now whatsoever?

Michael was a really a good sales rep for Bose, but reality is, the speakers sold themselves. Michael’s boss and favorite Karaoke partner let him keep his job at Bose but got him off the sales floor to work as a blogger for their digital marketing team instead, allowing him rant and rave about all the loudest and proudest, most bad ass metal rock records of all time, which are only accentuated on Bose’s premium blast speakers, naturally. Michael would fire off blog record recommendations for albums by The Who, Neil Young and Crazy Horse and Van Halen with divine powered authority. He’d pound the keyboard non-stop-all day long, which was sweet music to his boss’s ears, knowing his employee and friend Michael could channel his love of fast, loud, kick ass metal like a Bat Out Of Hell, which sent his heart soaring, flying high again. In the end, Michael couldn’t sell Bose speakers on the main sales floor anymore but he was still able to sell his love of loud, metal music through his blogs, and also had the kick ass, momentous clang of Hell’s Bells playing in his head for company. And Michael didn’t need Meatloaf to tell him, 2 out of 3 ain’t bad.

The End

Michael Kornbluth