A + Joke Filler For My Book

Me encouraging my daughter’s Yoga Instructor ambitions.
Daddy, can I become a Yoga Instructor for a living? Hell yeah, you can open your own Yoga studio in Tribeca. Rocking the Warrior Pose with Madonna arms minus the camel toe drippage.

Just realized in the Last Jedi flick the “Rebels” are now called the “Resistance.” I guess ANTIFA can’t afford the same fancy pants costume designer afforded to a J.J Abrams blockbuster remake. Black hoodies from Target it is.

4 year old son makes me a smiling airplane in Pre-K in my honor. He says. I call it “High on Fatherhood Daddy.” Obviously, the Adderral gives you an extra lift. After a son’s booster love of course. I’m talking about myself now, daddy.

Revolutionary Idea
Prescribe Adderall to parents instead of the kids so they can focus on being better, more involved parents. But insist on drug testing in case the parents get carried away with the weed to calm their nerves like they did in college again.

Yoga Instructor Fever
Daddy, can I go to trade school for yoga? To become a Yoga Instructor. I won’t jerk you around. Mommy almost went to Masseuse school and avoided becoming Brenda from Six Feet Under. Thank God.

My 7-year-old daughter schooling me on drones.
Daddy, they have firefighter assistant drones.
They take pictures to show firefighters where it’s safe to go.
I know what I’m getting Angela Merkel for Kwanza Christmas.

According to Dr. Savage, there are toxins in underwater seafood which triggers Alzheimer’s. Riveting opener to your show Dr. Savage. Apparently, you wolfed down enough Shrimp Parm to recall what’s it like to be light-hearted funny ever again.

Daddy, Isabel and I are having a contest on who can marry Koby. You played basketball with him at the park remember? You mean the rapy, scowly kid in the hoodie? I’m all ears.

My 7-year-old daughter schooling me on drones.
Daddy, they have firefighter assistant drones.
They take pictures to show firefighters where it’s safe to go.
Dennis Leary’s brain is on fire with movie adaptation ideas for Rescue Me as we speak.

My 7-year-old daughter schooling me on drones.
Daddy, they have firefighter assistant drones.
They take pictures to show firefighters where it’s safe to go.
Even at Trader Joe’s? So, they don’t get bum rushed in December for Calendar week.

Wife
I don’t have to attend my nurse awards dinner tonight.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
It’s a celebration of your accomplishments.
Wife
But I’m never home for you.
Stay At Home Comedian Dad
So I grow closer to our 3 children than you do as usual.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Husbands Today

Husbands Today
Expect their dronish baby boomer parents to automatically belittle the remake of a Star Is Born in defense of horse face yenta breath, no offense.

Husbands Today
Don’t need to see Kramer vs. Kramer to realize God made kids more or less putz proof. Regardless, if they smashed their head on the ground because of us or not.

Husbands Today
Are expected to do more than knock up their wives every 2 years. But fake feminist wives will treat you like 2nd class refuge citizens. If you’re no longer bringing home the bacon. This summer, I only wish I was detained in AC splendor.

Husbands Today
Have to work remote or else they’ll be charged with sexual harassment eventually. Assuming, the VP of Product Design starts every meeting with. Raise your hands up high where I can see them.

Husbands Today
Take parenting more seriously because we got more realistic bits of soul from the Wonder Years over Leave It To Beaver. Even the dad in Family Ties was a bearable ex hippie man.

Husbands Today
Prop up Columbus to their kids because they refuse to be slaves to political correctness in their own home. But Matilda without Columbus. Bernie Sanders has no white devil America to cash in on and his gravy train goes sailing.

Husbands Today
Think LaVar Ball is a more flippant, modest free Tony Robbins for young African Americans today. In need of more involved life coach dads of his caliber. Despite never pounding home the stealing in commie land commandment.

Husbands Today
Who dare to show their faces in public during regular working hours with their newborns without mama. Are met with unwelcome, seething disdain like you tried to sneak your kids into Synagogue cloaked in Burkas on Yom Kippur.

Husbands Today
Want to upstage their fake news hippie dads or die trying. You want to talk laziest grandparent generation of all time Brokaw. Lifting a finger for them is liking your kid photos from afar. All Steve Jobs invented was casual Friday.

Husbands Today
Have zero love for grandmas who choose leisure and fake news over more time with their precious grandchildren. Did their husbands have to scrounge for work in a post 911 economy? How much did you pay for your house again?

Husbands Today
Want to get paid for their expertise from home if possible. Because we saw the draining impact of commuting had on our fathers. By the time they got home. Pops had nothing left for us. Giving tank was dry man.

Husbands Today
Take parenting more seriously because we got more realistic bits of soul from the Wonder Years over Leave It To Beaver. Even the dad in Family Ties was a bearable ex hippie man.

Husbands Today
Have to uphold their kids age of innocence earlier than our parents never did or attempted to really. Taking your kid to Midnight Cowboy in Manhattan of all places kisses it goodbye real quick.

Husbands Today
From Gen X, pray their children will be far richer than they. So the underbelly of a dependency in their relationship won’t exist. By us retiring under the condition will buy them flights. If they want a free trip during the winter.

Husbands Today
Can’t believe the all knowing Seinfeld. Is still capable of smirking in public. Knowing his powers of observation failed to pick up any hint of Cosby’s 4 decades of rape.
Husbands Today
Measure real friends by those left who’ve actually logged face time with your newborn son. Regardless if your lucky number 3 appears repetitive at this point like you getting to play stay at home dad again.

Husbands Today
Change our kids diapers because unlike President Trump we didn’t have our shit together in our twenties or thirties for that matter. But as Sam Cooke used to croon with gospel soul. A change is going to come.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

 

 

Favorites Never Change

Favorites Never Change
Your brother is trying to achieve something important.
So am I dad. Too bad you’re running low on faith in me, After blowing your entire load on my baby brother.

Favorites Never Change
Your brother loves you. I’m still getting past his request for me to get him baked knowing he was supposed to be in charge of babysitting my 2 kids as I rushed to the delivery room for lucky number 3.

Favorites Never Change
He’s still your brother. Dad, stop acting like I’ve shunned him from my life forever. I’m still waiting for him to read my blog I’m a better dad than Harold Ramis because. Since I told him I had skin cancer.

Favorites Never Change
You have no reason to be mad at your brother.
He never made you an unfulfilled skin cancer promise.

Favorites Never Change
You can bash your brother all you want.
I didn’t bring attention to him using a picture of my newborn as his new Facebook photo so he could attract more maternal muff in his late, balding thirties.

Favorites Never Change
All my friends are dying on me. So I’d like to focus on the positives in my life. Is that why you started the conversation about how I need to stroke my baby brother’s ego more? Let me focus on my own 3 kids 1st.

My daughter uncle bashing, not me.
Don’t you think it’s weird, Uncle Mick hasn’t visited our house yet?
Oh yeah that’s right. His wife hates you Dada. And Uncle Mick suffers from a nutless sack allergy.

My daughter uncle bashing, not me.
Uncle Mick is boring and doesn’t look as good as Uncle John.
He’s zero energy Dada. Kornbluth brother 1 Duffy brother zero.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

3 Kids Is Brave

3 kids is brave.
God didn’t give me 3 kids to have a panic attack over it. Obviously, he never had the same confidence in you.

3 kids is brave.

After you introduce yourself to Paul Mooney when on the surface, you’re the white devil incarnate. Looking like Hugh Grant on stilts. Whose in a Harlem Jazz lounge for a callback audition. It doesn’t phase you as much girlfriend.

3 kids brave.
Kayne West is brave. So were Joan Rivers and Anthony Bourdain. Lets hope the times really are changing. And Trump pushes for Kayne to get a Pulitzer prize of literature for his next album Big Daddy T.

3 kids is brave
I felt the same way about blowing my allowance on 30 Shawn Kemp Sky Box rookie cards in the 7th grade. After he slammed his manliness down the Knick’s throats 1 stuff at a time.

3 kids is brave.
My 20 month old son on the Tilt a Whirl in Lake George was brave. He couldn’t tell if he was thrilled or scared about his whipped brain milkshake or not.

3 kids is brave.

I’m not sending them off to go backpacking through no go zones in Germany.
Come to think of it. That’s a way scarier threat than sending the kids off to military school down south.

3 kids is brave.

They’re superior company than most. For example, I’d never hang out with you if I didn’t buy wine at your shop ever. Unless you were golden, snappy and opened wide like Heidi Klum.

3 kids is brave.
Are you kidding me? My Kiss Army is more imposing than ever. I feel like we can take over Kabul in our SUV.

3 kids is brave.
Only if your wife is a pill popping degenerate. So I’ve got that going for me.

3 kids is brave

Once you take Acid again after college in your early thirties. Parenting 3 is a walk in the park. I also confused cocaine for Crystal Meth once. Later, I blurt. You thought I knew the difference Ming. What is this, the Pepsi Challenge?

3 Kids is brave.
So is Woody Allen stashing his Time Life snap shots of Soon-Yi in his top sock drawer for safe keeping.

3 kids is brave.
So is standing up to applaud Roman Polanski expecting no moral outrage feedback in return. He’s an overrated rapist compared to Cosby.

3 kids is brave.
Heckling Dice in his prime 2 drink minimum in at Dangerfields is brave. Especially, if you’re from down south. Where finger food is anything which tastes like your cousin’s panties, oh. I can’t take no more.

3 kids is brave.
So, is going to the South Bronx in high school to buy sprayed nickel bags that taste like Windex. Wearing your Lacoste watch and white privilege pre-fake news on your sleeve.

3 kids is brave.
My wife isn’t Sarah Palin in her late fifties either.

3 kids is brave
If my 1st were Siamese twins.

3 Kids Is Brave
Let’s not act like I have to send all 3 to private schools in Manhattan tomorrow. I’m still so broke. My Hebrew name is under judicial review.

3 kids is brave.
If you’re a Rice Farmer in China and not a member of Joy Luck reading club in the Pacific Heights neighborhood of San Francisco, sure.

3 kids is brave.
Not if your 1st born is Lady Gaga incarnate from a Star is Born. Who schools her 2 younger brothers on creative play, infinite kindness and how to deliver the funny in non-stop show topping style.

3 kids is brave.
Working up the courage to tell your wife to lose a solid twenty if she wants her hubby to mount her with real lustful feeling would be some real Brave Heart shit.

3 kids is brave.
I think 1st time moms bitching about how their working husbands get off the hook during their maternity leave. Knowing grandparents on both sides help out 3 times a week at least is more offensively ghaulish.

3 kids is brave.
So is titty shaming your 7 year old daughter in Trader Joes with Child Services lurking around the corner. Hey, Matilda, you want to load up on soy dogs. It’s not like you got any boobs to expand.

3 kids is brave.
If I opened up for Russell Brand on his next stand up comedy tour. And refused to ask the nanny for references because only racist HR hacks at Fortune 500 companies demand background checks at all.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

God Gives Kids to Only The Lonely

God Gives Kids to Only the Lonely.
Have you seen the size of Leo’s pussy posse? It’s enormous.

God Gives Kids to Only The Lonely.
Turtle from Entourage never got stoned solo last time I checked. Or had issues talking #Knicks on MSG like a man with big time connects despite being a dead weight conversationalist in real life.

God Gives Kids to Only The Lonely

So you should be done complaining now Shelia.
Are you too good for divine intervention now on your behalf?

God gives kids to only the lonely.
Of course God is thinking. So what’s the problem again Sandra?
Your band wasn’t Arcade Fire in the making. But I’m sure your back shoulder tattoo will age well. Tattoos are a big no, no in my book, you know?

God gives kids to the only the lonely.

So they don’t have to apply for IT headhunting jobs again knowing stay at home comedian dads command way more respect. On top of the lowly salary barely covering the cost of daycare alone.

God gives kids to only the lonely.

Especially, when his Loan Officer mother at JP Morgan Chase denies his connection request on LinkedIn. Because she doesn’t care to be associated with her IT headhunter, loudmouth “artist”

God gives kids to only the lonely

Especially to 1st born sons who have distant dads whose shoulders collapse when you go in for an obligatory, annual hug on your birthday.
son.

God gives kids to only the lonely.
Again, help me out here Liz. You wanted a kid to love you more than your fake friends and c word mom ever did? God bemoans from a burning bush on Mars. Watching MMA with Aries the God of War on Satellite.

God gives kids to only the lonely.

So stop complaining about how lonely you are Sharon? Now you have 1 more lunch buddy than you did in high school. Who likes Madonna’s earlier work also cry baby girl.

God gives kids only to the lonely.

So what’s the problem Andrea? Breast feed your kid for 3 more years. Leaving enough of a grace period to find yourself attracted to your over the hill hipster husband again.

God gives kids to only the lonely.
So what are you bitching about now? God bemoans.
I know a Stay At Home Comedian Dad who doesn’t have a mommy meetup group for  emotional support. Organized and led by his RN nurse wife no less.

God gives kids to only the lonely.
But you’re so lonely because your stuck with your 1 kid all day when your husband has to commute, endure pointless meetings and become a permanent hunchback. Have you ever made a cold call ever?

God does give kids to only the lonely.
So stop bitching about how lonely you are ladies.
With your kids in front of you. Filling your home with emotionally present love.
Your husbands business meetings aren’t too riveting. Get over it.

God gives kids to only the lonely.

Especially, when your 3 kids don’t know where their 2 so busy childless uncles live actually. Facebook Face-Time would be beyond weird at this point and excessively insufficient.

God gives kids to only the lonely.

Especially, any woman married into the Kennedy family. Which is more curse than gift, obviously.

God gives kids to only the lonely.

So stop playing the repressed victim of lonely motherhood. Also, your parents help out 3 times a week. Mine live in permanent vacation in their Arizona estate shrine to themselves forevermore.

God gives kids to only the lonely.
So stop complaining about the isolating pain of motherhood.
God’s thinking. How about talking to your kid in front of you to make you feel less lonely for a change. Read your kid Art of the Deal. Do something.

God gives kids to only the lonely.

It’s a God given opportunity to mold an improved you. So stop bitching about how ungrateful your kid is. Get off your my life was so much better before. And be a better role model of pleasantness Franny.

 

God gives kids to only the lonely.
So stop whining over much you miss your producer career at CNN, Sharon. You can’t handle losing out on every night as date night for 3 months? Try 7 years and 3 kids in a row and get back to me.

God gives kid to only the lonely.
So stop bitching about how lonely you are ladies.
With your kids in front of you. Filling your home with emotionally present love.
Your husbands business meetings aren’t too riveting. Get over it.

God gives kids to only the lonely.

Or to the flaky, melodramatic diva. To make her realize how shitty it was to abandon her so called best friend after the birth of her daughter during her Postpartum blues.  But, what do I know? Only God knows why!

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth