Brother says, “Lapping Losers, that’s pretty funny. I say, “I know it’s a funny comedy record title. You’re only 113 behind. You’d think taking 100 milligrams of Adderall per day would keep you up to speed. Perfecting greatness, Challah. Thank you very much.
Dad says, “Can you believe it? Mom stayed up with Sil and Shelly till 11 playing Pinochle.”
I say, “It’s too bad Me Me, can’t score points by crashing around her grandchildren at a hard 7 without fail. But sucking off the fake news legend of her 2nd born 24/7 would suck me dry Dad. At this point, I’m positive you’re used to feeling like sloppy seconds in the relationship. I know you question how were related, join the club, but at least now at the height of Jonathan Gina Mania, 2 wrecked cars, and one narc gun blast later, you can identify with being the sloppy second one after all. I know you’re the only child and you became an A plus narcist to overcompensate for your cold, distant, 10 -blocks away mother in Queens who never offered to babysit me when I lived next door, surprise, surprise, but you get the gist. Still, can’t believe you can’t recall one nice thing my old maid Mosey would say after looking after me for 3 years in a row in Queens before you moved to the suburbs in Westchester, so I could have my own panic room to cry it out in. Because fuck the overrated school system in Edgemont, New York. You and every other parent who moved from Queens or the Bronx to the more snuggle soft confines of Westchester County, just moved there because in a house in the burbs, the buttressed cries despair are easier to bear.” Withering ties, Challah.
I only feel tough around black dudes in masks, which is the craziest phenomenon of my lifetime. I don’t think every black dude had to duke it out in Watts growing up. But if NPR were to take a survey of the least likely demographic to still be sporting masks at Dicks Sporting Goods while fondling size 13 Nikes. Plus, since when are black guys as a whole proactive about playing defense of any kind? A black dude in a mask isn’t looking good or winning over any fly ho’s while having to pull a nappy down between sips of Old E, Snoop Dog’s old school ho sprayer of choice. Ludacris please, you’re just bequeathing more power to Dr. Gnocchi, which is dumb. That’s like taking barebacking advice from Dr. J who passed it down to Magic Johnson. I’m still twice as soft as any black dude, not named Erkel but I also didn’t get triple vaxed out of fear of catching an itchy esophagus. Last, like most black dudes, I don’t discriminate against pussy, although in Meghan Mccain, no matter how much intricate ass play preceded, I’d still be twice as soft compared to Leroy Brown from the block. Challah. Twice as soft, Challah. Thank you very much.
I think Elmo getting the clot shot on Seaseme Street is a good thing. He’s the most expendable charachter anyway like John Rambo minus the headband.
You know the Democratic party has lost it’s It Girl status when Illan Omar gets booed off the stage during a Somalian Independence Day celebration in Minnesota. It’s like Josh Harnett getting booed off a military base in Somalia during a USO tour, honoring the 25th anniversary of Black Hawk Down.
“Go back home to Iowa you mopy has-been bitch. You give one hit wonders a bad name. Your career is on a no fly-list for a reason. Top Gun in 96, my balls. You make the Marvelous Ms. Masel a less annoying, Jew bitch in comparison despite being a smug catonic drone who’s about as original as Keith Ellison’s Borders Are Bullshit Ti-Shirts.”
I don’t even bother hiding my disgust with those still in masks at the grocery store anymore, after all the Covid vax damage done that’s caused more pre-mature cases of Cardiac Arrest than ripped triple wrapped condoms during Bill Maher’s last leg of his stand up comedy tour in Brazil, sponsored by Third Legged Beauties.com. Because nothing screams indepedence from religious persecution by a one world order crown on the other side of the Atlantic than wearing an American flag designed mask during July 4th weekend at the deli counter section of DeCicco & Sons. That’s only a 3rd generation Italian American business that wouldn’t have been possible if Columbus didn’t resist Queen Isabella’s request to socially distance himself from going around the world 4 times over in search of more silky smooth lining to destroy without the aid of his small pox carrying, compass compromised dick. American History F, Challah, thank you very much.
Groping Biden creeping on Megan Rapinoe in the fake news oval office set. Forget Liz Cheney, unlike her father Dick, I aim to please. The boogie boarding Kenyan draped my chiseled pecs with the Presidential Medal Of Freedom. Michelle didn’t approve but Toni Morrison and Maya Angelou never had a 3 way with Cab Calloway. So, fuck What’s Talent Got To Do With It Turner 2.0. Jonas Salk gave the polio vaccine away for free. So why don’t you cut the dike act out and take a knee for your country. What, you don’t think Camel Toe Harris had an experimental phase in college? She didn’t come out as Pearl Necklace Harris overnight. So, are you going to hook up the big guy with some lock jaw love or not? I’m only giving you this medal, so you don’t kick around anymore conspiracy theories on Fox Sports about how soccer players are dropping faster than Kamala Harris’s kick the can clit on holiday in St. Barts. Fauci, you know Dr. Gnocchi, got this medal for keeping Magic Johnson’s secret stash of AZT drugs under wraps before it made all traces of HIV in his system disappear. Why else would Magic play nice and pose with Metrosexual Getko at the Rams game since he turned California into a sunshine scurrying tent city, sponsored by REI? Now start rubbing your butch cut against my leg hairs, I like that, or you don’t care about black people like fake news fro Kaepernick. You don’t think he sports a fake news fro fish breath? Have you ever seen a biracial afro that large before? Slash tried growing his fro out but it was a total flop. Comedy record 113, Lapping Losers, coming right up, Challah. Thank you very much.
Wine shop owner says, “This white is light. You barely taste anything.”
I say, “So, pass, unless you want to simulate the experience of going down on a eunuch?”
Wine shop owner laughs long time, Challah, thank you very much.
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