The Joke Machine Gunner

I love my new Trump voiced GPS system. Turn left for Mohegan Sun, Elizabeth Warren’s home away from home.

If Ronan Farrow is Frank Sinatra’s son, then why hasn’t he hired a hit man to knock Woody Allen on his ass yet?

Why am I gay about my abnormality? Because it’s fun to freak out grown men at Pizzeria’s in NY. Pizza guy says to my son, “Got ants in your pants?” I say, “How do you know my son isn’t a second guessing gerbalist?”

I hate the boy name Hudson. It sounds more hipster hued pretentious than Brooklyn Salted Chocolate. At 5, Hudson tells his dad, “Can I change my name to Andy Cohen? Because I identify with yenta breaths on the Upper East Side.”

Talking to my new cat like a booty call. Stop scratching. I don’t have to let you sleep here. Also, are you really in a rush to scurry away from so much scrumptiousness? If you’re Fergie, scratch away, but you’re not puss.

Mark Zuckerberg, declaring war against Warren. Facebook is too big? Cry me a river Warren. You think Twitter is going to swing votes in your favor? Trump pays the highest per click rate for Indian casinos to appear every time somebody googles Warren.

Stop calling nationalist a loaded word. The N bomb is a loaded word. ANTIFA lives matter, is an oxymoron.

An actor in the new Star Wars says, “Limited job offers for Muslim actors increases the odds in them becoming terrorists.” But you’re in SAG. Can’t you still make a living doing well paid extra work for Obama produced social justice docs on Netflix?

4.5 IPA’s make me feel more indecisive than Jared Kushner at the Sizzler salad bar. Even worse, a 4.5 IPA tastes like circumcised happiness because I’m shortchanging my desire for a mouthful of boozy hops.

Trump is obsessed with Hillary because he’s an illegitimate president? I thought Hillary lost because she’s an unhuggable cunt.

Hunter Biden being interviewed by ABC. Where have you been Hunter? Doing more bumps? Only hearing last call from the bathroom stall?

Pitchfork named Alright by Kendrick Lamar, song of the decade because Obama got the Nobel for relegating ISIS to ISIL. So they’d sound more start up friendly in Wired magazine.

Moms should remember to put money under the pillow for the Tooth Fairy right? Daughter says, “Daddy, the Tooth Fairy didn’t put money under my pillow? What can I say to appease her? The Rock slept in for a change. Mama’s parenting skills are overrated.

These days Robert Dinero looks like Betsy Ross, falling apart at the seams.

Georgetown apologized for slavery. Apologize for not forcing AI to retake Mo Money Management 101, from Do Rags To Riches.

My 2 year old son, Chosen Curls was bound to woo. A Grandma stops him at Target, proclaiming, “You’re going to have 3 girlfriends to juggle when you get older. I reply, “If James Woods had this face, your estimates wouldn’t be so conservative.”

Why isn’t Terry Bradshaw not even in the conversation about best quarterbacks ever? Bradshaw never lost a Super Bowl like Montana. 2nd, Bradshaw won by airing it out. Fine, that much he shares in common with Brady. I’ll give you that much.

In the Netflix suicide doc, 13 Reasons Why, do rebel space ship crashes into Imperial Star Destroyers even get honorable mention?

If Hillary Hammer Time Cankles runs for President again, what would her campaign slogan be?

I Eat Fake News Indians for Breakfast

Chelsea Isn’t Ugly Anymore

Deplorable Boomer Mom Knows Best

Resistor parents don’t care about the rule of law. All they care about is getting Trump out of office, so they can return to their smug secure, superior selves because baby boomer arrogance never dies.

It’s an empowered feeling to get blocked my Rosanne on Twitter knowing she got mad with jealousy at my superior jokes about Valerie Jarrett, Obama’s Arabian horse whisperer. Because it sucks for Rosanne knowing she’s got the coffee plantation in Hawaii, not me.

What’s the best way to show gratitude after your mother in law gets you Champion black socks again from the bargain bin for Christmas? Tell her, “Great, now I can postpone laundry for another week.”

Who told Samuel L Jackson it was cool to dress like Spike Lee’s grandmother? Who identifies as a jazz critic descendant of Sonny Rollins in Tyler Perry’s new film, The Uppity Cunt.

Perfect Wedding Anniversary message in this age of Trump Bad, Me Good. We both agree, you’re amazing and that’s the most important thing that matters.

Michael Kornbluth

The House That Gentrification Built

AOC hating on Brooklyn hipsters. Williamsburg is Disneyland for Hipsters. It used to be, Miss Yorktown Heights, but this was ages ago, back when Lena Dunham had much skinnier arms and wasn’t so full of herself.

Now AOC doesn’t want white hipsters dancing on the same steps as the Joker did because they’re in the boogie down Bronx. Stop acting like an old school g AOC, who threw batteries at Jim Rice before the House of Gentrification was built, Miss Yorktown Heights.

Kayne West for President in 2024? Boy, would that piss Obama off. He made Jesus Walks, ain’t never going to hell. Kim passed the bar. Criminal Justice Lawyers are so hot right now.

Joe Rogan blasting the practice of Trans athletes competing against woman. They’re shattering every record. Men never come out as Trans Girl Athletes. Would you want your daughter trading blows with a Cyborg with tits in the Octagon?

What’s going to be Bloomberg’s campaign slogan exactly? I’ll work for free also. I’ve already bled Wall Street with my overpriced Bloomberg terminals for all their worth.

Facebook removed all articles mentioning the whistle blower’s identity. Like Hillary’s people are going take him out like Epstein, resister, twitter twats please.

University of Florida students want the student body president impeached over the Don. Jr. visit. Since, when do students there care about anything but pounding Coors Light? Because they’re easy to pound like yenta’s from Long Island on Spring Break.

Stephen King proving why he’s overrated. “Everybody knows Trump is dumb as a fence post.” Are you filling out stadiums for readings of Pet Sematary? Despite your 5.2 million Twitter followers sounding like hysterical cat ladies 24/7.



Will have to get another gift for the birthday party.

Do It All Dad

I’ll have to get another gift for the party because I can’t rely on my wife to read the fine print on Evite’s while I’m trying to make the universe laugh for a living.

ABC is preparing a series inspired by female Obama staffers. Does Valerie Jarrett count, knowing she actually lives with him now? You know, the main drafter of the Iran Deal, Obama’s Arabian Horse Whisperer. Now, that’s funny Roseanne.

My wife failing at being empathetic. So, you only have 1 full day to work next week. When you start making more money, we can hire help for the baby. You’re still not getting the kids ready during morning’s you can help anyway babe.

My mother in law used her fake news cancer scare to guilt her daughter into getting her Jew blood tainted granddaughter baptized. Before I meet Jesus, get my granddaughter baptized. Don’t let your Jew demon husband cock block her way into Heaven.

De Blasio insists anti-cop sentiment is a right wing conspiracy. Because becoming a face of a sanctuary city for 8 million people, means you have law and order’s back in addition to actual American citizens no matter what.

De Blasio insists anti-cop sentiment is a right wing conspiracy. Because doing dick to stop entitled Generation Z, Subway Skipper Riders to punch cops for enforcing the law gives that impression putz breath.

NY Post, stop with the Knicks had no choice but to trade KP. You always have a choice, Sean Spicer’s choice of dance partners at the Sky Bar in West Hollywood, not so much.

Amber Heard requested her ex Johnny Depp submit to a mental health evaluation. Hunter did say it best. Actors like to hang out with me because of my gun collection. Actors like to play with guns.

Smoking weed became a mental strain once my daughter started asking super hard questions to answer on it. Daddy, if God created the universe, who created God? God went back in time, in a time machine made by Elon Musk. Thanks for making me an atheist at 4 dad.

Michael Kornbluth

Punchlines on Fire

Planned Parenthood has a sex ed book out, In Case You’re Curious. One of the earlier chapters is, Is 12 too young to know I’m bi? Doesn’t that depend on how many puberty blockers you took? So, mom has the gay best friend she never had.

Planned Parenthood has a sex ed book out, In Case You’re Curious. One of the earlier chapters is, Can You Die From Masturbating Too Much? My advice to my kids. It doesn’t hurt trying, after you outgrow your sweaty sex period, which lasts 3 months max.

Planned Parenthood has a sex ed book out now, called, In Case You’re Curious. Reminds me of my graphic novel Bi-Curious George, for sexually confused hipster spawn reared on Lou Reed records in Bushwick.

Confessions of a vegetarian. Carl Lewis was one, so was Edwin Moses. Still not enough protein? You over the hill, never had an athletic prime, hipster hack.


How is the border wall racist Bernie? I didn’t know walls could be accused of hate speech now. Are you calling the wall racist because our US military is building it, despite most of the men in the armed forces being men of color, blowhard breath?  Ban ICE Bernie? Because homeland security, was so weapons of mass destruction years.  Joan lives.


Do It All Dad

How is England considering Jeremy Corbyn as your next Prime Minister? He plugged Hamas on Iranian TV as brothers in arms. And I thought France, Germany and Switzerland were in dire straits.



Random Woman

Does your light-saber light up?


It’s a light-saber.

Do It All Dad

It’s self explanatory babe. Wax your face hair, and maybe my son’s light-saber will brighten up in your presence.


Do It All Dad

The Church of England is so desperate to fill it’s empty seats, some parishes are setting up pop up mini golf, banking on the prospect of being able to drain more balls again like Elton John in 86. Those were the days.




How can you respect the news media knowing they protected the likes of Harvey Hair Clumps Weinstein and Epstein as if their meal tickets depended on it? Despite their insistence on being heroes to the American people, who give Bubba a pass.



Do It All Dad

How is England considering Jeremy Corbyn as your next Prime Minister? He called Hamas brothers on Iranian TV the way I call black guys in New York with affection, who love old school Nasty Nas.


INT. Home

Jimmy Kimmel

Who cares if ABC didn’t run the Epstein story? Fanatical Trump supporters are the ones more obsessed with pedophilia than the Democrats.


You don’t want to do stand up in middle America for a living, I get it Jimmy



Do It All Dad

Just 1 in 5 people in Britain say the Bible is irrelevant to them. How hard is Ricky Gervais right now? Not even Steve Carrel on the Teli, advertising his latest 100 million blockbuster can bring it down.


Jimmy Kimmel tensing. Poll says, herpes can beat Trump in the 2020. In other words, he expects Trump to reemerge triumphant, as a scarring reminder of how limited the powers of introspection are for a hick comic from Vegas. Weird, weak Howard sucks to.


It’s an insult to call Greg Giraldo a great roaster. No it isn’t. True standup is a punchline sprint, not a meandering, act out with your hands with no hard punchlines in sight like Dane Cook for the past 15 years and counting. Greg Giraldo was Tommy Hearns.

Michael Kornbluth

Paul, Was No Mate Of Mine

Steven Tyler unloading on a fan for sitting at a show. I know you can’t afford a million dollar a day cocaine habit, but Live On The Edge a little bit bitch.

How much did Lennon hate McCartney for shaming him into becoming a stay at home dad, for his 2nd kid Sean after the release of Hey Jude? 2 weeks into his stroller ride routine through Central Park, Lennon yells, “Choke on a fucking cucumber scone Paul.”

Eric Clapton on John Lennon asking him to join the Beatles. “I was flattered kind of, but, my 1st question was, “Do you really hate George that much? So he wrote My Guitar Gently Weeps, get over it already mate. Or you’re worse than pussy willow Paul.”

British royals threatening ABC News. If you run the Prince Andrew, Epstein, why can’t we remain friends story, will cancel your interview with Prince William and Kate Middleton. And he’s the only tie left to Diana Americans give 2 shits about.


Do It All Dad

I get confused for Hugh Grant on stilts because I only cruise for bearded black hookers at the circus.

University of Minnesota Students can’t name a single Democratic accomplishment. Outside of making MS 13, ISIS and radical jihadists in US Congress as the new face of the Democratic Party. Also, they made clear due process is off the list.

The NY Times stock falls as ad revenue shrank. You mean ads for ANTIFA Halloween costumes, ISIS religious scholars 101 workshops at the 92nd Y and Planned Parenthood toxic masculinity blockers aren’t keeping the paper of record in the black?

You can’t name the name of the Whistle Blower? You’ll endanger his life. Why, is ANTIFA playing for the other side now? After forsaking the dark side from repeat viewings of Jedi. I don’t get it.

Kimmel on the new Don Junior book. He attacks Mueller, Bush, the liberal media. Basically, all our fake news heroes suffering from delusions of grandeur. Sorry people, I haven’t felt this dejected since Sarah Silverman’s snatch started to smell like cat nip.

Mom asks, “Is Arthur still enjoying his chess class?” I reply, “Yes, Samuel is still enjoying his chess class. Just like President Trump he isn’t tired of winning yet.” Now, I’m out of the will for certain but it was worth it.


Buckingham Palace threatening ABC over spotlighting Prince Andrew’s ties to Epstein. Prince Andrew is a clean cut lad. It’s not like the time when we had to take out Diana because because she couldn’t control her Kabob fever.

Will Hillary run? She can’t even power walk to the Late Show with Colbert without her bladder breaking. Why else do you think she shows her fat ass in public, with those asexual built in diaper ready, druid burkas from Dune?

A tree fell on  a trick or treater in Westchester County. Where was pops, blocking the tree like a line drive foul ball at Citi Field? Talk about dropping the ball. Was pops dressed as Bill Buckner for Halloween or what?

Michael Kornbluth

Low Class Long Island Hacks

Someone got stabbed to death for cutting in line for a Popeye’s chicken sandwich as the Grim Reaper yells, “No chicken sandwich for you.”

The MAGA hat is equivalent to a Nazi cap? I thought skin heads wore their shaved heads out in public for a reason. If a Nazi really wants to show his true colors, he’ll rock a black hoodie and attack peaceful Trump supporters in the name of love.

Meghan McCain on Rand Paul. I hate Rand Paul. He’s so much more upfront about his libertarian stances than my father was. Who cares if his doctor was 1st in his class and mine last. My daddy sniffed more than hair with his boy Biden.

Mexico, denied Trump’s offer for war against the cartels after the recent massacre against Americans. Too bad, Trump isn’t a crackhead, scheming demon who thinks winning favor at Bill Maher’s party up in the hills, is worth the one million dollar donation.

A University of Florida professor banned the use of the term “illegal immigrant.” Because he didn’t want to offend the student body there, knowing how calling English their 1st language is debatable, despite their blond on blonde, white white privilege.

The Mayor of London is considering decriminalizing cannabis to cut crime. I’m sure Mustafa will chill on the acid attacks if he could be allowed to puff the hashish pipe 6 times a day on the West End next time he wants to assimilate with Sam Mendes fans.

Another tempting text reply to send my mother. Check out the New York Times gift guide for baby Samuel. I don’t read the NY Times anymore mom. But you’re a good Christian, converted Jew, for forgiving the NY Times for giving you false hope again.

Scorsese on action hero films again. I was offered the Joker, which isn’t your typical action hero franchise. But I was too busy keeping Dinero’s pierced ego afloat. Plus, it’s been two decades since Casino, so Pesci is well rested.



What did you do for Halloween with the kids?

Do It All Dad

Mommy gave the kids the option of getting sushi in case of a rain out. They opted for the sushi. Bribing our kids with Sushi, can make Halloween great for parents again.



I’ll cancel my dinner plans then.

Do It All Dad

Today is my one full day of work. All I asked after my sigh, was for 24 hours advance notice. But you don’t respect my time or work. You really bring out the best in me babe.

Me getting an email back from a big time talent management company. I never heard of this guy. He wants to try doing a one man show on the road. No try asshole, only doing the American heartland with A list gemry you’ll never hear on Kimmel long time.

What target demographic does Bernie think he’s snagging by having Baby Face Omar speak at his rallies? Outside of the 1 percentage point of Jews who hate their Trump supporting mothers that much. Was that too NY Jewish for your taste Ted?

You want the government to fact check news based opinion pieces Cuban? Reality update Cuban, you don’t need a fact checker to know instinctively whose a crybaby loser nerd.

What do you say to your wife’s best friend’s husband, next time you’re forced to see him, knowing he lied to your wife? Insisting he sent you a thank you note for the bourbon you gave him to celebrate his newborn kind of love. You married a bigger bitch.

Tempting conversation to have with the wife. How was Brooklyn? Checked Facebook, Matt never sent me a thank you note for the bourbon I dropped off at the hospital in honor of his new and only baby boy. Long Island hacks have zero class.

Michel Kornbluth

Jackass of Islam

The Mayor of London is considering decriminalizing cannabis to cut crime. I’m sure Mustafa will chill on the acid attacks if he could be allowed to puff the hashish pipe 6 times a day on the West End next time he wants to assimilate with Sam Mendes fans.

Neil Young left his wife of 35 years for Daryl Hannah. Because he’s going through a dying of the light, never banged a mermaid crisis. Drilling for fracking isn’t his cup of tea. When he gives her facials, he calls it acid rain.

There’s actually a soundtrack for 13 Reasons Why on Vinyl. If you play it backwards, it says, “Sell your soul to Apple and the Chinese like Trent Rezner. He doesn’t sound so suicidal anymore these days, does he?”

I’m not joking. There’s actually a soundtrack for 13 Reasons Why on Vinyl. If you play it backwards, it says, “Trump is wrong, suicide is for winners like Hunter S. Thompson who don’t believe in pleasing God like Tim Tebow.”

I’m serious. If you play the record 13 Reasons Why backwards it also says, “Joker is laughing all the way to the bank”, “At least your dad never cut off your wedding speech at your younger brother’s wedding, three grandchildren blessed later.” Or, “At least your coke head younger brother doesn’t call you a loser after you write for TV twice, write 2 books and produce 3 fuss free kids.”

Who can trust Trump’s America Economist? The stock market, the electoral college, MAGA Hat Vendors at Trump rallies, sending their kids through college already.


Do It All Dad

Do parents ask you for books about eco-anxiety?

Worker laughs.


I met a 10 year old girl scared of the rain.

Do It All Dad

If kids were reared on Andrew Dice Clay records, they wouldn’t be so temperamental.

Barnes and Noble worker laughs long time.

Aaron Sorkin says Zuckerberg is “assaulting truth” by allowing political ads to appear on his website. Wah, wah, wah Sorkin’s crying. Because Martin Sheen isn’t a better president than Trump in real life. And Jeff Daniels isn’t even Tucker Carlson.

Signs times are changing.

Mama says. The Washington Post called the leader of ISIS, a religious scholar. NPR would’ve called him a burnout hashish head, suffering from Trump in charge now anxiety max.
How would I sum up manhood in the age of #MeToo Harper’s Magazine? You can look, actually stop eye fucking me to death with your eyes. Only stare at me with VR Goggles, because I know your eyes are occupied with artificial objectification.

How would President Pence lead Newsweek? I’d say, issue an executive exorcism but you don’t believe in God or have a soul left to save. But Pelosi’s district in San Francisco is progressive paradise ushering in a new poop hopscotch rush as we speak.

Everything you need to ace American History in one big fat notebook today. Let me guess, Indians didn’t torture, rape or scalp infidels until ISIS showed them on YouTube how the big boys on the varsity squad got it done.

Facebook allowing “Make America Great Again” ads got Trump elected? I thought it was because 63 million branded racists didn’t want their children to grow up in Obama’s America where ISIS went viral and GDP growth was slower than Joe Biden after a lobotomy.

Sheryl Sandberg on political ads with Katie Couric.

It’s 2019 Katie, nobody is influenced to vote from political ads on Facebook. Blog posts, which are pro Trumpian are coded as hate speech as way to discourage fact dissemination.

Sheryl Sandberg on political ads with Katie Couric again.

Political ads only represent 1 percent of our revenue.

Couric replies.

Fine, care to comment on how digital currency hides pedo trails on the dark web with greater efficiency bitch?

Sheryl Sandberg on political ads with Katie Couric again.

We don’t fact check Political ads. We just make it uncomfortable for paid off Trump supporter actors to defend their integrity. Baby Boomers hate how much the Trump kids have their shit together.

Sheryl Sandberg on political ads with Katie Couric one last time.

We don’t think the Russian are interfering with our elections. We do think Diamond and Silk are too southern sassy sharp, for Tom Arnold to handle in a sparring of wits, has been resistor lesbian.

Bill Maher interviewing Ronan Farrow.

With Harvey Weinstein still free, Cos still claiming innocence, do you feel all the awards showered on you will be relegated as mere participation trophies within the annals of history?

Signs the times really are changing.

Mama says.

The Washington Post called the leader of ISIS, a religious scholar? Even NPR called him too extreme for Al-Qaeda.

Do It All Dad replies.

They should’ve called him the Jackass Of Islam then.

Michael Kornbluth