In A Killing State Of Mind

True Lincoln Log story, Google it. My great, great, great, Grandfather Austin Gollaher saved his boyhood friend Abe Lincoln from drowning, which is the greatest presidential save since JFK kept Marilyn warm for Bobby. But a young Abe had his friend Austin swear to never tell a soul about saving him from drowning till he died because the black man couldn’t know he was a worst swimmer than they. 

Even Lincoln Logs are racist now. The Chief Play Officer of Hasbro declares, “Lincoln Logs are racist. We’re naming them Obama Logs now. The Chief Marketing Officer says, “But Obama grew up under a tent in Kenya, with dreams of building a Super Mosque over the remains of Ground Zero. Kayne 2024 bitches.” Can I get a holla for some Challah? Offended yet, then go woke yourself, holla, thank you very much.

Why are Jihadists so into virgins? Doesn’t Jihadi John have enough blood on his hands already?

Remember, when we took out the number 2 in charge of ISIS, and the Washington Post called him a religious scholar. Yeah, and Joy Behar is the Chief Happiness Officer for Breitbart.

How does killing terrorists ring leaders make it easier for ISIS to recruit again? As if ISIS would ever honor it’s non-compete agreement with Al Qaeda.

Plus, ISIS aren’t good recruiters in the 1st place. They just target other lonely virgins who wish their phones blew up.

This is Corey Booker flirting with actress Rosario Dawson. Was it you or Chloe Sevigny who died of Aids in that movie Kids? Just playing, in the end, that white bitch didn’t feel so privileged after all.

I’m going to push my daughter into Lesbianism when she gets older. First, she won’t get HPV, which leads to cervical cancer if left undetected. More importantly, Lesbians don’t die of Aids because you can take a licking and keep on ticking.

I caught my son playing with his sisters Barbie dolls yesterday. I said, “Make sure you triple wrap Pecker Wood with extra thick layers of seaweed, before you take another deep dive into Polynesian Barbie.”

Banging my GI Joes together well past puberty is way gayer than playing with Barbie dolls, I think. Especially, when I had Gung Ho manhandle Cobra Commander like his gimpy bitch in Pulp Fiction.

One year for Hanukkah, my mom got me a book called the 12 Stages of Puberty. It was a humiliating gift to receive because my younger brother of 3 years had already hit puberty and banged the 3 hottest girls in his class. Who I tried to jerk off to at the time but couldn’t. I say, “Mom, why would you give a puberty book in front of my younger brother? He can play with himself whenever he wants.” Mom says, “But you do that all the time with your GI Joe figures.”

Whenever I’m out in public with my 3 kids without my wife, I hear, “You’ve got your hands full.” And I’ll say, “If my wife agrees to an open marriage with Katy Perry after my book The Great American Jew Novel scores me an agent already. Then, my hands will be full.” 

Michael Kornbluth