According to the Chinese Government, Bill Gates was born during the year of the four eyed snake, who can inhale an entire pea protein field roast burger farm in one bite, without getting any vegan mayo on his sweater.
Back in the office felt good but I still can’t block out my wife plucking her face hair in the bathroom window at home during normal working hours.
When will the isolation end? You miss going out to restaurants that much in the valley? Also, I thought all the weed shops are still open for business to hang out in, assuming you take bong hits in World War 2 fighter pilot masks.
How long with social distancing last? You mean sleeping on the other side of your bed from your wife is a new routine all of a sudden? That’s right, Governor Newsome making it illegal for you to bang your side bitch in the deep valley is what’s driving you nuts, because you’re no longer as essential balling in her eyes.
End social isolation and loneliness because you weren’t filled with a vacant chill, fixated on how meaningless your life is within the grand sweep of human evolution as you spent another day at your corporate job, checking your Instagram feed to smell digital pictures of wildflowers, falling into an endless blackhole of red tape choking meeting overkill 8 days a week.
It’s not living, being in the house all the time, having nothing on ESPN but miniseries on the Bulls and Stephen A Smith debating on 1st Take Michael Rappaport’s top 5-bit characters of all time.
What happens next? You cry about reopening the economy because more people die in South Central from firing up vape pens than from the Coronavirus this year.
Stop the panic and end the total isolation. I need fresh images of chestier woman on the subway than my wife next time she insists we do it because we got the kids to sleep early for a change.
Social distancing has revealed what? We weren’t that close to our younger siblings in the 1st place. Mom and Dad weren’t going to visit till the end of summer anyway. Your fake news friends aren’t classy enough to offer a token of love for your nurse wife on the front lines of death in New York.
What do you fear most from more social distancing? You realize what biased, lying pieces of shit the establishment media are in real time?
The more I hear Don Junior talk, I don’t like him. Waiting out in my cabin with Kimberley Guilfoyle could be worse, he says. Very true Don Junior, but then he adds, “It’s, been challenging.” What’s challenging exactly? Having to put ice on your super soaker, until you can reload enough gunky gook to titty blast her again as your ex-wife cares for your 4 kids back in their 10-bedroom apartment in Manhattan overlooking Central Park East.
Weird weak Howards sounds like a bigger, dumb fake hack puppet pawn, non-critical thinking, reactionary, uppity cunt breath more than ever before, insisting on his satellite radio program, nobody gives a shit about anymore, that, “Trump supporters should take disinfectant and drop dead.” Even if they did Howard, it won’t erase the fact you divorced your wife for a ghoulish looking blond, who’s a 6.2 by ghoulish, tranny standards, with no sense of makeup application proportion whatsoever. But whatever it takes to ensure you still get invited to Jimmy Kimmel’s place for more 2 bite chicken parm dinners. And Howard, enough with your jealous enshrouded, beyond played out spiel about how Trump doesn’t even want to be president. It’s not Trump’s fault, you’re not even the king of social media anymore, not that you ever were in the 1st place. Good job, turning the cold shoulder, resulting in Artie’s nose turning into a piece of folded capicola. Also, I thought all of your psychoanalysis made you less of an easily jealous, ego divorced, uppity, bitch, who in retrospect only made fun of the death of Peter Chris from Kiss, because you only cared about shocking the world into good ratings, to beat marble mouthed Imus. You were so much cooler, when you were more transparent about the egotistical asshole you were and always will be, making fun of Billy Crystal, Adam Sandler and Jerry Seinfeld because they were guilty of being way funnier, smarter, talented and infinitely punchier than you’ll ever be, regardless if Jackie the Joke Man, or The Rev Bob Levy, are getting paid a pittance, to force feed you bit ideas to give off the impression you’re more evolved, edgy deep than you are in real life, perm head. Trump doesn’t even want to be president. Yeah, and you don’t want to be embraced by middle America and be loved the way he is, despite your blatant attempt to reach that plateau, during your cute, rebranding, edgeless little stint on America’s Got Talent, jerkoff. Dice has funnier f bomb mike checks than you’re capable of uttering about your lesbian lust inquiries in your wildest dreams.
Did you hear about the new Michelle Obama doc in her honor? Becoming more than Michael. Joan lives.
Bill Gates is praising China’s response to the Coronavirus. It’s not China’s fault, America was dumb enough to believe them when they said it was only transferable if Count Chocula popped out of your cereal box and sucked your blood.
What’s my neighbor who works for UPS, trying to prove mowing his lawn at 8PM? He’s more essential than insomniac illegal aliens for hire.
Just to piss off my wife, I’m going to start spending all my time on my smart phone around shopping for UV lava lamps on Amazon as a precautionary measure to fight coronavirus blowing through the air.
In New York City, Nursing Homes have to admit Coronavirus patients, because they should’ve known better ordering General Tso’s chicken without using a SARS mask of old to wipe up with.
Why is New York City releasing rapists on the streets again? Wouldn’t this be the ideal time, to send them to the hole, knowing pizza business could use the delivery money tips and there isn’t a massive garlic knot shortage last time I checked. Also, they have all the Instagram videos from Naomi Watts eating cake with no make up on to pleasure themselves to, if the Madonna videos in her tub, with her blown up camel toe snatch, make them long for stank man ass in their face again for another tossed salad. Chris Rock still lives.
Enough with Trump’s name on the checks. His name has been all over fucking New York City forever, pre-smart phones, 9/11 and Magic making HIV disappear. Stop acting like this a radical new departure from the past already.
Biden can’t remember the name of the #coronavirus or recall the year 9/11 happened. But Obama endorsed him because he was stoned watching Weekend at Bernies with Colin Kaepernick thinking, the CIA is pulling his strings anyway. We got this no matter what.
Everything is made in China, ventilators, the #coronavirus, Hunter Biden’s cocaine slush fund. But Trump should be impeached for questioning the source of those sketchy ties. Hunter thought he was getting paid to sell a new borscht sports energy drink.
Trump should put his name on all the body bags Leslie Jones? Yeah, 1st, you’re so not Wanda Sykes, so strop straining. 2nd, Obama let Chinese made fentanyl kill more crackers than Taylor Swift kicking it with Lena Dunham on Instagram. You better recognize.
Any hack celeb or politician who blames dead fathers, brothers, sisters and daughters on the big bad blond wolf versus blaming the Chinese who mislead the world about the #cornoravirus are batshit crazy pieces of shit. Their careers belong in body bags.