Loved 9 Times 2 Babe

Daddy, what’s DNA? Not enough for a jury to declare OJ guilty beyond reasonable doubt.

I sacrificed my career to become a mother. So now, VP Pence has control over your Fallopian Tubes?

INT. ANTIQUE STORE
Owner
I only have this Menorah.
Me
It looks like my starter weed bowl in high school, no offense.
Don’t worry, my daughter did the intro for my podcast episode, My Weed Exit Interview.

INT. ANTIQUE STORE
Me
I love your va va voom Marilyn Monroe Doll. It’s almost life size.
Once, my son points at a picture of Marilyn in my old office while I’m changing him. He says Mama? I say, I wish.

Owner laughs longtime.

INT. ANTIQUE STORE
Owner
That Menorah isn’t for sale.
Me
Really, did George Soros call dibs on it on already?

INT. BAGEL STORE
OWNER
Your girl can’t stand on the chair.
Me
Its’ a he. And he flings 5 pound free weights like Pistachio nuts. Would you tell a budding Bruce Jenner to sit on her ass?

Perfect gay husband qualifier.
Buy yourself a pink vibrator ladies. And if your husband only shows interest in manhandling it, after telling Alexa to turn your smart bulb on Lexington Steele black.

Me explaining the meaning of Chanukah to my kids.
A miracle is faith rewarded in believing and acknowledging the fact they don’t happen without God’s blessed, divine intervention powered assistance.

I sample a Lena Dunham joke at a book store. Worker says. I’m not amused. You should try that one at an open mike? I say. I bet you have Google alerts set for Marc Maron’s  stories about his cats.

INT. TOY STORE
Me
Does the Obama doll talk?
Toy Store Worker
Only in Europe these days since the blue wave turned into a severe case of blue balls.

I don’t hate people. I hate unearned, bitch face arrogance, especially if you sport a beard. Never been #shadowbanned, kill on stage or closed a deal off an initial cold call in your life because you’re a gun shy, ineffectual pussy.

INT. WINE SHOP
Owner
Self Awareness is rare.
Me
Tell that to Baby Boomers who still spend more time with Don Lemon’s fluttering lisp over the warm butterflies in their belly feeling from playing with their 3 grandchildren.

At 42 with 3 kids,  a standard egg and cheese and regular slice are off the list. I feel like George McFly never graduating past his menial, bottom of the food chain, never living free of fear or poverty of spirit existence.

Me
Girls on bikes in Finland.
New Bud
You have no idea. They’re totally hairless.
Me
Chin Hair plucking wives are the worst, especially when their blond hair is blinded under the bar lights when you 1st met.

College Bud
Sad, George HW Bush passed.
Me
I’m sure Obama’s pouring out a Bud Light in his honor to Boyz to Men as we speak. Crooning, it’s so hard to say goodbye to his default Bush blaming years of yesterday

Sad, George HW passed. Look, I got emotional when he got wheeled out for the Super Bowl. But this was before I learned his father was a Nazi profiteer. Forget, losing to Clinton which gave us Hillary and Russia our Uranium. And John Podesta a pool party pass.

Why won’t Michelle Obama run for President? I thought her husband called Michelle the closer. Oh, that’s right, Obama’s nicknames don’t mean anything or offer any real world substance in reality like calling ISIS JV monster killers.

INT. ANTIQUE STORE
Owner
That Menorah isn’t for sale.
Me
What if told you I worked for the Clinton Foundation.
Owner
I’d say, you had less call in favor power now than papa Bush.

I sample a Lena Dunham joke at a book store. Worker says. I’m not amused. You should try that one at an open mike? I say. The world is my stage you sackless, no personality twerp. You still work in a book store Cold Spring correct? Just checking.

Wouldn’t it be nice to have a wife who always drank good beer over overpriced wine? Because stated concerns of beer making her bloaty never touch thy lips because she’s religiously married to her rock solid core exercise regimen. I’m just a dreamer. Who dreams of better days, oh yeah!

 

I sacrificed my career to become a mother. I wouldn’t call wining and dining doctors as a pharma sales rep a career. You were a glamorized, white collar drug pusher with an expense account at best.

I sacrificed my social life to become a mom. Stop acting like your boring friends in marketing we’re such interesting company to begin with, past flashing their semi-attractive feet in flip flops on casual Friday.

Catch and release makes less sense than letting the Podesta brothers order in Pizza for your Super Bowl Party.

Sad, George HW passed. Then, you won’t get out of bed. When John Brennan is locked up in Gitmo for sedition. Fantasizing about the good old days. Sniffing Obama’s Birkenstock’s after Obama’s casual bike rides with Reggie Love in Martha’s Vineyard.

Obama’s statement on Bush.
Without his fuck up son, I never would’ve been groomed as a doable replacement. Or scored a Netflix deal for Ben Rhodes writing my say nothing, do nothing speeches discarding ISIS as JV Terror mongers.

INT. ANTIQUE STORE
Owner
That menorah isn’t for sale.
Me
Is that where George Soros hides the key to his safety deposit box in Switzerland?

Hey Twitter, is this joke anti-Trump enough for you? Melania’s red Christmas Trees look like Paul Bunyan got corn holed by sitting on them all after standing on line all day to get into a Trump rally because it hurt so good.

I come back from a beard trim. My 3 kids bum rush me in the car, the second I arrive. Obviously, I’m beyond touched by the gesture. Still, I’m fuming knowing mama was boring them to death. What husband wouldn’t be empathetic?

You know you’re pissing off the right people at Twitter. When you start a new account for the 17th time to get out of #shadowbanned jail. And still have your account frozen before you’ve even fired off your 1st tweet.

Do It All Dad Advice
Kid Rock said son, I can give you a blank check, but that won’t do you any good. What he meant by this, is prolonged dependence hampers your ability to dream bigger than your controlled circumstance dictates.

College friend not sounding flattering. I’m envious of you having a wife and a family. Don’t get me wrong I think your wife is alright. But why haven’t I got married? Because you didn’t let your parents buy your girlfriend an engagement ring.

I deliver a Lena Dunham joke. Bookstore attendant says. I’m not amused. I say, no offense but out of my 5 million jokes, I wasn’t expecting a Lena Dunham one to get me on Kimmel.

I sacrificed my career for motherhood. Resent your kids more, despite them injecting your life with more meaning and divine connective tissue than your excel spreadsheets on data mining for Target ever did babe.

Wife
We’re going to give daddy alone to get some work done.
Me
Because mommy only feels 2 hours is enough to write query letters, blogs & complete manuscripts during the days she’s around to entertain and teach her children well.

7 Year Old Daughter
Can we call Grandpa?
Mom
It’s a Saturday Night.
Me
And he’ll feel weird during the call when he’s got no excuse to be home on a Saturday night beside Baba resting her bum knee from couch plopping, atrophy.

Daddy, what’s the Bible? A book of laws communicated from God to Moses. Whose Moses? A stuttering Jew who came through. But he wasn’t nearly as putzy as his assistant Joshua. He dropped God’s tablet commandments. That’s your DNA in a nutshell.

15 years later Hebrew Hammer is still funny. Understand, the shtick is a tad redundant but Adam Goldberg is still hilarious in it. Stay Jewish kid destroyed me. Daughter laughed at Jewish Justice League, priceless.

Why my wife sucks sometimes. Hey, babe, The Good Men Project is going to republish 18 of my blog pieces. What are they paying you for it? Less than your parents give us, so nothing.

By,

Michael Kornbluth

Coming To Terms With My Ex-Social Life Pre- 3 Kids

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-3 kids.

West Hollywood was fun. Mika couldn’t speak a paragraph full of English. She took me out to Sushi Roku for my birthday at 22. I should’ve broken up with you like a man. Sorry special.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life with pre-3 kids.

1st, I got serious with my girlfriend now wife Natalia because I knew deep down how much my friends from high school sucked compared to her. You kill at the Comedy Cellar and get. They were laughing at you.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life before 3 kids.

Now I don’t have to waste my Angel Hair in White Clam Sauce with Pepperoncini’s on a baby-faced southern gal. Only for her to ask if she could bring home leftovers for desert.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-kids.

Living in Hermosa Beach, you had to lunge at new puss fast because last call was at 12:30. Which sucks for a native New Yorker. My yak pipes were just getting warmed up.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-3 kids.

I had to endure my friend JT’s tasteless, Nazi jokes. But he was half my size. And I knew he was a jealous gentile because of my chosen curls and Vince Vaughn aura. He did call me a social genius though. Miss you pal.

Coming to terms with ex-social pre-3 kids.

My old roommate Dan was right. I did puff the ganja in excess for my lack of buds nearby. Jacob, my dealer was the best. Always made him laugh. And I wasn’t very funny back then either. Totally blanking on how I met him.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre kids.

I’m so lucky. Erica pushed me to write, create and stretch my imagination. Bought us tickets for a taping of Friends for my birthday. Pointed out a writer talking to Ross between takes. Saying you can be him. Thank you.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-3 kids.

I loved living with my roommate Jay in Sherman Oaks for the most part. He really cared for me. Went tripping on Mushrooms when I got fired from my 1st and only bartender job I had in a fancy 4 star French Restaurant in West Hollywood on La Brea after months of searching.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre 3 kids.

Lizzette was statuesque and pretty. Looked like a Latino Terri Hatcher. Paid her way through law school. Loved my poetry. Made her cry when I graded her blow job once. Sorry babe. You were perfect.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-kids.

Melissa had great boobs. Was a cool Indiana gal. Worked on the Fox lot. Friends were awful. When I sold wine. I sampled desert ice wine on her innards. Never loved her though. Sorry pretty.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-3 kids.

I did sing Karaoke every Friday with my roommate Jay. I met Leslie from the valley. She sold porno DVD’s for a living. Which is Paul Thomas Anderson material. I’ve done goonish with. She was really good to me.

Coming to terms with my ex -social life pre- 3 kids.

My roommate fat shamed a Mexican girl who really loved me. Heart still breaks for her. So sorry gorgeous. Worked as a film editor for MGM. Asked me to choke her. So I banged in a her turtleneck.

Coming to terms with my  ex-social life pre-3 kids.

I did sing Karaoke every Friday with my boy from LA Jay Master Jay. And feel excessively white after he killed to Eminem before Slim Shady became a Trump triggered bitch boy like the rest.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-3 kids.

I auditioned for the reality show Blind Date in the same room as Disco Dan. Got on the show to. All I got from it was a free meal and herpes.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre- 3 kids.

It was hard to top my summer wind Summer Lam, yummy. So sweet. Her plan for us? Move to Santa Barbra. She’d day trade and I’d write books. I fucked that 1 up. Love you forever perfect.

Coming to terms with ex-social life pre-3 kids.

I’d do shotguns of weed with Summer in my Hermosa Beach pad. She didn’t even like weed despite going to the same school as Obama in Hawaii. Some baller, a bench player at an all Asian private school in Hawaii.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-3 kids.

Erica’s dad in Westwood, had a keg of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale on tap constantly. Fuck, now I have to be happy with my father in law’s leftover brown ale from Maine 2 and half years ago.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-3 kids.

Leslie had issues. Still she did look like a shorter Loraine Bracco to me. And her dad’s house in Malibu was sick. Doesn’t make up for her terrorizing me at work, almost getting me arrested for fake news assault charges and the restraining order.

Coming to terms with ex-social pre-3 kids.

My 1st year of doing open mikes in LA was humbling. I fumble an opener joke about Ron Artest. My saver and only laugh. I love black guys because they don’t discriminate against the p word. Of course, I said the actual p word.

Coming to terms with my ex-social life pre-3 kids.

It wasn’t so great to begin with. Especially knowing I had to slam J&B scotch on the rocks around my High School friends. To fill the entertainment void left by their lackluster, blah brained company.

By,

Michael Kornbluth