Tag: SNL

Woody Killers

by doitalldadyear, posted in culture, poetry, writing

The decline feature on LinkedIn-In Mail is designed to convey a semi-aggressive f off vibe, don’t you think?  

It’s the closest an IT nerd from a hedge fund in Greenwich, CT can get to hitting you over the head with NO.  

VP Of Product Engineering rumbles to his wife at night.

My team programs trading strategies for masters of the universe.

This Headhunter Writer couldn’t get into Hillsdale College early acceptance.

He’s a God damn disgrace.

You bet your ass, I declined his LinkedIn, In-Mail.

I’ve got no room in my life for another parasitical putz face.

We manage big Pharmas bankroll for Christ stake.

But seriously, the decline feature on LinkedIn Mail screams passive aggressiveness that’s out of breath.

How did this glamorized indentured servant who works on a draw, get the balls to hit on me?

I piss Benjamin’s as far as the eye can see, after my team polished off 2 kegs of Dog Fish 90 minute at our Company Retreat in Capri.

The decline feature on LinkedIn In-Mail is designed to rub in your short sighted loserness in your face.

Yeah, smart move hitting on me through a keyboard lame o breath.

Why don’t you cold call me like a man, so I could tell you to f off in real time with more resounding Shazam?

When someone takes the time to click on Delcine after you blow your load on a LinkedIn In-Mail.

It means, you got under their skin a bit.

So, it’s their turn to make you feel like shit.

If someone actually takes the time to click on decline after receiving a LinkedIn In-Mail in means.

Either A) I want to take a shower

B) Your confidence is off putting

C) You’re not hot enough to hit on me.

D) You’re too dumb to do what I do.

E) Everything you spat in my direction; I can articulate better.

F) Frankly, I don’t normally read LinkedIn Mails because most Recruiters are illiterate burnouts, but I don’t want to you feel sneeringly superior around your pathetic plagued peers.

G) My day just went from good to great, by putting you in your place.

H) Hacks are us, not interested. If I had an ugly stick, I’d beat you over the head with it, till you scurried off to cave underground with nobody else around, where you belong.

I) Idiot, nobody writes in complete sentences anymore. What makes you so special? #RookieRecruitersneverknowwhentothrowinthetowel

J) Jump off a bridge already. You hit on nerds for a living. If were still in high school, Alpha males in school, wouldn’t even waste their time acknowledging your bottom feeding, sexless existence.

K) Kill yourself. I went to the University of Chicago. You went to Ithaca, which is Cornell’s retarded next door neighbor, I win again.

L) Love yourself less. You’re desperate, delusional, dunz face for thinking this attempt to connect would impress.

M) You have no business feeling cooler than any millennial mousketeers who made twice what you make since they raised minimum wage their senior year in college.

N) Nudge your boss into firing you by wearing a xeroxed copy of your latest COVID test at work, so you can make more money collecting unemployment.

O) How do you feel outstanding doing what you do? You badger companies into hiring software engineers who are going to get a new job anyway. Regardless of you emailing their resume, which is your only way to sway.

P) Piss off, you predatory peon scrub. You’re only good at taking well enough to get another recruiter job, you’ve haven’t gotten fired from yet bud.

Q) Quit your recruitment agency career already. You obviously care more about entertaining yourself than your intended audience within the IT sphere, who aren’t known for their rolling senses of humor in the 1st place.

Y) Yuck it up Headhunter Writer. Have fun telling yourself that writing inspires the next time you get fired.

Z) Give your brain a rest and take some Z’s. I bet your sneezes are annoying too. So, f off already please. Do I have to get on my knees?

But Headhunter Writer inspires. So how you can decline further chats with me?  

Oh, yeah, you’re a deadweight conversationalist.

That’s what I get for pissing up the wrong tree.

Woody Killers live, Challah.

Thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth

New Rule Asshole

by doitalldadyear, posted in politics, travel, writing

New Rule: Stop acting you’re on my side. If you think my kids should wear masks in schools like Michael Jackson’s adopted kids on holiday in Bahrain.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you act like kids with COVID are a scarier health risk than backend entry into The Dallas Buyer’s Club.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you voted for Mr. Groper to make hair sniffing great again.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you think Thug Lives Matter most.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you still listen to weird, weak, woke Howard Stern, who didn’t dare criticize Governor Cuomo when he was in power after writing a book on How to Kill Italian Grandma Without Throwing Off Her Off The Train, because Perm Head didn’t want to be banned from Jimmy Kimmel’s house for more 2 bite chicken parm dinners.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you’re not grossly offended when demonic, Democrat hacks like Denture Breath Pelosi compare January 7 to 9/11 but are totally cool with Ellen DeGeneres professed friendship with W because she’s a fake news humanitarian who’s pro bush all the way.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you blame the burning of food vendor trucks at Woodstock 99 on white rage but refuse to condemn ANTIFA for being fake news Punisher vigilantes in hoodies from Target who never outgrew their pyromania phase.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you still watch the NBA, which makes ball gags made in China to ensure the Houston Rocket’s owner never tweets in favor of the Hong Protests again, which makes every day Yuhan paper trumps all day, especially since COVID made in Wuhan, was used to steal an election through mail-in voting, wreck our economy, gut our cities and destroy our children’s age of innocence more than any Dick Cheney move by Oliver Stone ever could.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you don’t condemn Biden for being a lying piece of shit for lying about visiting the Tree of Life in Synagogue during the Jewish New Year in Pittsburgh. Despite the Rabbi who was there, claiming, “I’ve never met Joe Biden in my life. And I’m not going out of my way to hang out much at Ben & Jerry’s much these days either.”

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you don’t think Israel has a right to defend itself, after 5000 rockets are launched in its backyard, while only expecting to receive an Edible Gift Basket in Return with a thank you note written in Farsi.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you’re still a degenerate, lying, beyond petulant, perpetually druggy scumbag who makes Hunter Biden come off as a serial slacker underachiever in comparison.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you support sanctuary cities, which is legalized lawlessness on crack or have no problem with every day for the cops being standing down day since BLM made it kosher to shoot cops in Dallas without any image depreciation blowback.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you wanted Kyle Rittenhouse to get anal AIDS in prison before getting beaten to death because the jury in Kenosha refused to let mob justice rule.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you insult my intelligence like you’ve done for 5 years in a row and tell me with a straight face that you think Biden got more votes than Obama or Trump despite Mr. Groper’s campaign rallies not being big enough to fill out Ariel’s little clam shell bra’s.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you believe our elderly deserved to die alone despite COVID having a 99 percent survival rate, when you’re a degenerate Jewish gambler who has no problem betting 5 large on the Jets against Tampa on a slow Thursday.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you still watch Bill Maher after he wished for a recession to get Trump out of office but got COVID instead. The same Bill Maher, another self-serving, Obama licker protector like the rest. Who had no problem with Obama posting Israel’s classified nuclear program on Medium or nuke gifting Iran 150 billion to create overseas manufacturing jobs for Build a Bear to make their economy less reliant on the sale of chest hair removal cream for the Kardashians.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you think you’re not blatantly pathetic for only now criticizing the news media for perpetuating the overblown COVID death counts because you’re feeling more courageous in admitting to your buyer’s remorse after SNL makes fun of Biden’s pedophile whisperer speech impediment after all these years.

Stop acting you’re on my side, if you think John Goodman is a good guy because he came out on Jimmy Kimmel to declare Rosanne isn’t a racist, after agreeing to the spin off the Conner’s based on a show and career she created for him in the 1st place because a brief part in Raising Arizona wasn’t the career launcher he imagined either.

Stop acting you’re on my side if you side with arrogant baby boomers who want Joe Rogan canceled for the crime of interviewing an infectious disease expert that knows Fuck Face Fauci personally, who fluffed the monkey with the banana driller used to create Aids with, in addition to Magic’s Johnson’s secret HIV suppressor stash.

Stop acting you’re on my side if you’re going to insist the entire world has gone mad all around, when it’s the crazed, just vaccinated Karen’s that have ruined dinner parties for the foreseeable future let alone a stroll to Target with your kids only to hear, “Wear the damn mask.” “Yeah, not until you suck the misinformation and hate speech out of my chosen schlong first Karen. Pretend Obama ordered you to leak it.”

Stop acting you’re on my side if you’re sick of COVID when you’re not a nurse forced to mask up for 2 years in a row who’s had to lose her job because she refused to get an experimental clot shot that’s weakening more immune systems than backend entry into the Dallas Buyer’s Club.

Stop acting you’re on my side. If you think you’re a man of the people, who’s not a guilty of endorsing mass murder, done dick to condemn evil and more than tolerated the lockdowns, and forced terminations of jobs for 2 years that’s lead to thousands of businesses destroyed, countless drug overdoses, numerous suicides and fucked up kids for life with future fertility issues and heart problems on the way for using our kids as fucking political pawns by pushing a clot shot drug on them to keep evil enshrouded scumbags like Gavin Newsome in power that has single handily destroyed my beautiful southern California of yesteryear in one slimy, sociopath ridden swoop.

Stop acting you’re on my side. You’re narrative about you being a good guy truth spreader after claiming anyone who offered alternative treatments to combat early bouts of COVID as conspiracy theorists like every blah breath hack deluded into thinking that intended silence shaming aside will shut us the fuck up knowing you’ve been the easily duped, rube hick who’s been breathlessly citing the Washington Post for the past 6 years in a row mongoloid moron.

Stop acting you’re on my side, when you have no problem with 2 million illegal immigrants infiltrating our border with COVID and more fentanyl made in China that’s killed more cracker in this country than Taylor Swift kicking with Lena Dunham on Instagram.

Stop acting you’re on my side, when you don’t have kids or give a shit about protecting the kids. All you care about is preserving your urban legends about George Floyd being the patron saint of resisting arrest, Obama Be Good doing more than rebranding ISIS, ISIL so they’d sound more start up friendly in the NY Times while claiming to be a good Jew when you don’t eat Kosher, perform Shabbat or demonize the UN for funding death tunnels to kidnap and kill Jewish children in the name of terrorist inclusivity.

Stop acting you’re on my side, when you don’t even shrug at the thought of kids being discriminated, segregated against and psychologically tortured because their parents don’t worship the cult of Obama Be Good or the Democratic lead rape enablement party nor are they dumb to subject their kids to experimental gene therapy for desired social acceptance among the enemies on the fake news elite left that ushered and continue to push the utter destruction of our kid’s youth, safety our inner cities and facade of the US government and our doctors as a whole caring about anything else besides self-enrichment and job preservation since the day democracy died.

You’re the enemy asshole, if you remain a stranger to self-awareness and all the evil you endorse, even if Bill Maher gave you permission to open your mouth otherwise from time to time because it’s socially convenient now to do so, you sell out hack.

Get banned from Twitter for insisting the Chinese have resisted Wuhan lab investigations more than AquaFresh 70 comedy records later and get back to me on what a crazy, hardcore thought leader you on are LinkedIn, asshole.

Michael Kornbluth