Elongated Love

How do you get over your younger brother never acknowledging your kids’ birthdays? Especially, when one is born on New Year’s Day, and you know little bro is still up from the night before doing coke anyway, in some townie bar, only hearing last call from the bathroom stall, asking, “Where’s Hunter? And who buys blow painting supplies at Staples at 3 in the morning anyway?”

But seriously, how do I forgive my parents for not condemning my younger brother for refusing to acknowledge my kid’s birthdays for the past 5 years and counting without thinking they’re guilty of encouraging him to not give a shit? Since I came out as a former supporter of you know who since he let Democracy die without raging against the dying of the light under William’s Barr’s watch. Do I let the disrespectful slights subside overtime by not dwelling on what an a plus narcissist my younger brother is compared to my dad? Stop clinging to the idea that my younger brother will accept the good in my life revolving around my family? Or face reality and realize the only gift my younger brother ever got me on my birthday was a 12 pack of beer, so chances are Uncle John won’t be the most dependable, available, visible bud in my kid’s life either.

Most regrettable nickname given to my 10-year-old daughter after I complimented her new grownup looking haircut is Banger Pretty.

Why does Fauci still have a job? Endless lives have been taken prematurely because he prevented the access of life saving drugs over his precious clot shot vaccine. At this point, Dr. Gnocchi should’ve been fired more than a Palestinian Sling Shot.

Did you know Washington Irving, author of the Legend of Sleepy Hollow, birthed the expression, “The Almighty Dollar?” Upon making this discovery Ted Nugent accused the entire hip hop community of cultural appropriation in a NY minute.

CDC says people should avoid cruise travel regardless of vaccination status. In other words, your just vaccinated sticker only matters for show off purposes only. And booster shots are a perpétual pain in the ass.”

Liberal guilt is a mental disease. Mom told me that all her valuable jewelry was stolen in their Arizona estate home. What’s my dad’s response who bought her the jewelry? Aztec gold reparations matter.

At the airport, I bought a book from the Harvard Business Review on how to improve my business writing, so I can come across as a less all over the place, wise ass Jew. I say to the cashier, “Yeah, I need to stop making all my business correspondences about me, which is easier said than done 62 comedy records later, especially when I plan on releasing a box set before I’m famous before my 46th birthday in April, called Totality Of Me.” Cashier laughs long time. Then, I give her my business card and ask for it back, after she got tense when I pitched one my comedy records Democrat Hack Attack. I said, “Give me my card back. I hate spineless Republicans who don’t utter a peep against online censorship of anything that’s not in fawning favor of the clot shots and mask mandates on our children. But anyone on the side of Democrat hacks who compare the selfie tour of the Capital building to 9/11 belongs in the Guiness Book World Records of most ghaulish, dithering, domestic terrorist deriding dick delusionist take ever.”

What does the Stop the Steal protest rally have to do with 9/11 again? Outside of Michael Moore getting a mini chubby idea over his next documentary to pitch on NPR with drabby blubbery precision.

New subject lines to get interviews for well-paid writer jobs.

Audition Greatness, Star Salary Rules Apply. And Interview Your Superior Already, Challah. Thank you very much.

Do gay Mormon Truck Drivers get exempt from drinking coffee on the job? Because they can’t get up for big love to the Housewives of Zion in the 1st place?

I play trumpet great Chet Baker on my Spotify at my parent’s place in Arizona and my dad says, “Why would you listen to sad music? I said, “Because Arizona draped in overcast clouds looks like pile of wet rocks.”

New York City plans to install vending machines to dispense free needles for drugs users who can’t afford Fentanyl anymore, which has killed more crackers in this country than Taylor Swift kicking it with Lena Dunham on Instagram.

Why not discourage drug use like the Aussies did when they had all the buses heading to Bondi beach blare Vivaldi because junkies lost their mind listening to it? NPR could even throw in a plug for the Fresh Air podcast.

“You’ve just ripped off your earlobes to Vivaldi’s 4 Seasons because of racist oppressive forces poisoning your mind with more angelic love letters to the abortion damning Euro God dead in your soul. But maybe, you’ll be tempted to shoot up again if you tune in tomorrow morning at 9 for a Fresh Air interview with Dave Grohl, to inject your day with more dreamy filler throughout your depressingly dreary lives but not if the luckiest drummer alive, has something to do with it, who obeyed his masters by demanding his fans get clot shots like the rest. And if that isn’t rock and roll nirvana on earth, I don’t know what is.”

Michael Kornbluth

Flipper Bird Baby

HBO taking down Louie CK’s comedy specials was some knee jerk reactionary bullshit. But it’s kosher to keep Woody Allen’s movies up on HBO Max, despite most of those films coming out pre-Soon Yi. Before Woody’s new favorite hobby after stashing baseball cards in shoe boxes became stuffing his top sock drawer with naked Polaroid pics of a 9-year-old naked Soon-Yi to tap for future script generation ideas about an older than dirt creep who bangs a girl with barley forming breast dots called, Crimes Misdemeanors, The Early Years. At the same time, the only pic pissing from Woody’s far from mint, stuck together collection of Polaroid pics of Soon-Yi was the one of her crying naked on the cover of Time Life Magazine.

Has BLM taken the Rocky statue down yet because it promotes White Supremacy?

What is Louie really guilty of besides failure of imagination?

5 women accused Louie of jerking off in their presence after bestowing them green light power like they packed real industry heat as if they became mini-Penny Marshall directors who got final cut on her film Awakenings after a League of Their Own, which had to have been a real heady rush for these wet behind the ears, aspiring comedians to experience at the time.

Louie selling shirts on his website that say “Sorry” on it, is smile inducing 1st idea funny. Other ideas more on brand would’ve been, “Sticky Life”, “Bathhouse Louie”, “Lazy Man Sex”, “Standing Ovations Aren’t Enough”, “Full Of Yucks,” “Get A Grip No-Name Bitch, ” “Got Wipes?” “Whack Attack”, “Dirtier, The Better”, “Visual Aids Lover”, “Hornier Around Hacks”, “Seed Spiller Supreme” or “Coming on a Green Room Near You Indianaoplis.”

Bet it was hard for the college tour guide to keep a straight face when he spotted Louie in the crowd with his daughter after binging on the Soprano’s the previous night with his hockey buds at Boston University whose cousins with Ted Nugent, who grew up idolizing Dennis Leary under a hardcore Republican household in Minnesota.

Holy Shit, it’s Louie CK everybody. Nice shades Louie. The only thing missing from your creep ensemble is a trench coat and Sarah Silverman’s hoodie to wipe up with.

In case you’re wondering, Boston University is contemplating the inclusion of a safe space jerk off wing called, Lonely Heart Louie Lane”, which should take off in Silcon Alley, so you’re not yanked out of the office bathroom stall by office security crooning, “You don’t come around here no more.”

Louie’s here’s with his daughter. Personally, I’d push her to become a Lesbian because you can’t get Aids from munching on middle of the road Sashimi. Louie feels me. The dark prince of humor knows you can’t die from Aids when you’re lesbian because the flip side of being a Lesbian lover licker receiver is you can take a licking and keep on ticking. Don Draper, I fucked him oh. I can’t take no more.

Remember when Louie compared Trump to Hitler after Eminem did. But when Trump bought Mar-a -Lago he lifted the lifetime ban on Jewish membership, Slim on Facts Shady.

My favorite Louie episode was when Louie went on a college tour with his daughter Meadow and choked one out to an episode of the Soprano’s when Janice drills Ralphie in his ass with a vibrator during his reloading down time from whacking strippers to death.

Hey Louie, shouldn’t your daughter pursue a BFA in comedic arts at nearby Emerson university. On Daddy Deplorable Dady you can perform this Shakespeare piece I’ve been developing with my daughter. That’s right Louie doesn’t possess a fucking monopoly on edgy father daughter conversational fueled comedy in relation to gender fluid comedy either. I keep it simple and tell my daughter, transgender is gay in woman’s clothing. Daughter asks, “Does that mean Shakespeare was gay because he dressed like a woman in all his plays.” I said, “That’s just because Shakespeare looked prettier than but-her-face English wenches with ugly moles on their face. But I do know for a fact that Kevin Spacy is gay about lunging at Othello backstage in tights. And I if see Transgender Father’s Day trend on Twitter one more time, I’m going to break my Chic-Filet strike for good. Either you’re an involved father or you’re not Nipple Tits. Plus, feeling shafted shouldn’t be a new shock to your system anymore either. This is Jefferey Tambour blasting his fellow Trans Co-star for pissing on the toilet seat in his trailer bathroom again. Real lady like, now get out of my trailer, you butchy bitch, hey now. Why are trans activists getting their panties in a bunch over the song Dude Looks Like a Lady Again?” In the song Steven Tyler takes more than a glancing stiffening peek, before proclaiming with surging mounting lust, “Oh what a funky lady. And I like it, like it, yeah.” So did Richard Pryor, get it over it already. Richard Pryor said it was the best piece of pussy, Bill Maher never had. Which reminds me, I just bumped into Michelle Obama’s Book Reach Higher at the Target dumper bargain bin and thought, “Reach Higher, Bill Maher, just got a stiffy. I can’t take no more, Dice lives, Challah. Thank you very much.

Or did you call Trump the Anti-Christ Louie? Regardless, you’re the lying sack of shit for pretending to feel sorry about jerking off in presence of lesser female comedians after receiving their permission to throw on Sarah Silverman’s crusty old hoodie to get you in the mood for old time’s sake. The only thing you’re sorry about is pretending to care that your vote for Joe Biden mattered because you know that Biden pretending to get more votes than your boy Obama is like pretending DMX gave up weed for Catnip for Lent. Trump Hitler rhetoric got you too pumped-up Louie. Sequels never live up to the original. Maybe, Biden’s the Anti-Christ instead Louie. At the same time Christian right nation, in the Bible part 2 Jesus returns from Heaven to defeat the Anti-Christ. So have some faith in the Jesus comeback story, won’t you people?

Louie doesn’t feel sorry about jerking off in front of no name female comics. I wouldn’t either personally after getting their permission. Just own it and admit to feeling bad about his money shots in the green room costing him so much green.

What was Louie’s opener used to get consent before getting his yank on around these adoring female comics again? I’m too cheap for a massage parlor. Plus, I’m a dad. So, I can only get into the older happy enders, knowing they weren’t yanked off the boat yesterday. Don’t stare at my red pubes too intensely or you’ll get blinded with rage for not taking your father’s advice, when he pushed you to become a dental hygienist instead. I won’t jerk you around. Jerking off in the bathroom cramps my style. If I did my laugh yanker sets sitting on my ass like Paul Mooney I might be acting differently. You think Obama’s drones blasted with such Lasik type precision. To put you more at ease, would it help if I told you that Mr. Wonderful, Obama, ordered me to leak it. They don’t call me Bathhouse Louie for nothing, Challah, thank you very much.

Michael Kornbluth