Tag: standupcomedy

Arrestable Tweets In London Town

by doitalldadyear

Arrestable tweet in London town. The Queen took out Epstein, Diana also for Kabob Fever.

Iran promises to honor the original Nuke deal in return for 15 billion. John Kerry offered the Shah his wife’s panties from their wedding night, knowing his affinity for 89 year old virgins. Kerry adds, “Everything she owns comes in red.”

Do It All Dad

What do you think of the Danish Warmblood Matilda? What, Euro Trash horses don’t do it for you?

Daughter

The mermaid statue is in Copenhagen. Unless, her bra shell is missing, there’s nothing trashy about Denmark Daddy.

INT. HOME

Fake News Herb Dealer

I knew Adam’s Sandler’s cousin in college.

Do It All Dad

I almost hooked up with one of Sandler’s cousin’s at Ithaca. Her looking like Sandler’s sister failed to launch any sustained stiffage out of me.

Fake News Herb Dealer laughs long time.

Imagined response from Vince Vaughn after getting my books in the mail from me. Sorry your life sucks pal but I can’t help you. Don’t have a panic attack. I’m just busting balls. Of course I could help if I really wanted to.

INT. Home

Do It All Dad

Summer of 2019 is gone.

Fake News Herb Dealer

Not yet man.

Do It All Dad

I can’t throw my daughter around in the pool at the Lakeside Field Club anymore. Summer of 2019 is dead to me. And Katie in the Cape was no sloppy 2nd either.

INT. HOME

Fake News Medicinal Herb Man

I normally charge 90 for.

Do It All Dad

I got 85. You’re talking milk money from my children. Got no shame obviously.

Fake News Medicinal Herb Man laughs long time.

Howard Cosell and Ali really did create magic together. You must Youtube the hilarious poem Ali cites to Cosell about hitting Floyd Patterson so high out of the ring, he never comes down. Ali closes with. What do you think of those apples Howard?

I shouldn’t be jealous because I’m a proud New Yorker. And I have nothing but respect for Ashton Kutcher and Kid Rock. Still, it irks me knowing Ashton saw the Sweetness stiff arm in his prime while Kid saw Barry Sanders break hapless ankles in pursuit.

INT. SCHOOL

Do It All Dad

Yeah, I’m still wearing white. Summer isn’t over till my kids are back in school on a full time basis.

Mom

Eighteen hours and counting.

Do It All Dad laughs long time.

Michael Kornbluth

Missed More Than Mommy

by doitalldadyear

EXT. HEAVEN
Joan Rivers
Clinton body count is still trending on Twitter Anthony.
Anthony Bourdain
Up for a titty fuck Joan?
Joan Rivers
I thought you’d never ask.
Shit, God can you zap Bourdain’s foreskin off in a flash?

If a boy is born 100 percent gay, does he suck down booby milk regardless? Because he doesn’t know what his preferred oral fixation is yet.

Bette Midler claims Trump pays black people to pose in pictures with him. Because Kayne West became famous for going out of his way to please his white slave masters in the song Black Republicans. And Jim Brown makes bank reforming gang banger’s I’m sure.

Bette Midler claims Trump pays black people to pose in pictures with him. Because Kayne West and Jim Brown are the Wayne Brady and OJ of their day, you dumb bitch. And Candace Owens is the help for Jerry Nadler offline, moron.

D.L Hughley calls Trump supporters lower than Satan worshipers. You’re a reformed gang banger, who was at the right place at the right time. You make Kevin Hart sound Paul Mooney deep in comparison. At least show a strain of attempted funny, comedian.

Scene: De Blasio debating Trump

De Blasio
You won’t be welcome back to New York.
Trump
I worked with Ed Koch, to rebuild the Wollman Rink in Central Park, under budget. Charter school cock blocker, let AOC cock block Amazon’s move to Queens.

De Blasio
You don’t know what’s right for New York.
Trump
You turned NY into a Sanctuary City, which is encouraged lawlessness, you dumb mook. You use NYPD to protect the head of ANTIFA outside his Brooklyn pad, Lena licker.

Baby Face Omar says be more fearful of white man than Jihadists. Because blowing up buildings to bang virgins in the afterlife is no indicator of knee jerk Jihadi having enough blood on his hands already.

Baby Face Omar says be more fearful of white man than Jihadists. I know because so many Jihadists are known for their animated senses of humor involving making fun of you know who.

NY Times letting Baby Face Omar write op-eds, means Steven Spielberg is off their Kwanza party invite list.

Girl from my past who grazed my meat Mallet once sends me an instant message.

Your parents retired to Arizona. Good for them, well deserved.

I reply.

They’ve been absente grandparents ever since, 3 grandchildren later and growing.

Explaining Bruce Lee to my 2 year old boy.

Bruce Lee was an American and the Chinese killed him for teaching martial arts secrets to Kareem, who couldn’t carry a film based on his force of personality, if his life depended on it.

INT. FANCY ITALIAN GROCERY STORE
Baby boy pushes car that has a plastic flag attached, which reads customer in training.

Do It All Dad
They should change the sign to shishy bitch on the rise.

Older Italian woman laughs long time.

The Obama’s are creating podcasts exclusive for Spotify.

Their participation trophies from Hollywood and Big Tech never end.

Is Ben Rhodes already framing the resisters of the podcast as Trans hater war mongers?

Girl from my past I tried to get a book review from.

Have you taken your family to Australia yet? I reply through instant messenger.

Yeah, opening for Jim Jeffries, assuming he can handle my pro Trumpian material should cover the cost easy.

Does your husband get cabin fever from your constantly stalled banter never lifting off past Clicheville?

Have I taken my family to Australia yet? Fly your 1 kid compared to my 3 from NY to Arizona once and I’ll treat your inquiry more seriously.

EXT. HOME
My 3 kids bum rush me.
Daughter
What took you so long?
Do It All Dad
Were you that miserable without me?
Daughter
Kind of.
Do It All Dad
So much for mom’s makeover making up for my presence when I was gone.

Michael Kornbluth

My Blameless Daughter on Yom Kippur

by doitalldadyear

Daddy, why are we by the river with these bucket of rocks again?

All of these rocks represent daddy’s sins for the year.

Dada, do you have to use the words sins? It sounds too churchy for my taste.

Work with me kid.

Ok, so this 1st rock is for my sin of.

Weed, Daddy. Remember, your “Exit Interview From Weed” podcast episode? Shouldn’t you have an easier time remembering these things already?

Daddy, is throwing rock number 2 into the river for my sin of.

Inspiring Arthur to break his no cursing streak by saying what the f after he heard Kirby utter it on Arliss on HBO GO.

Rock number is 3 is for.
Heckling the TV too much when Beauty & the Beast is on after pounding one 2 many. I’m daddy. I’m so funny. You all suck, blah, blah, blah.

Rock number 4 is for.

Posting Grandparent Bad Manners on WordPress in the 1st place. Only to check after services how many more likes it got.

Rock number 5 is for.

Playing me Wu Tang 36 Chambers after my 1st Kung Fu class and shattering my age of innocence on the spot.

Daddy, stop using the word sin already. My guilt through association is killing me.

But the rocks represent my sins Matilda. I throw them into the river to be lost forever.

But I thought God had a photographic memory. Sounds like wishful thinking to me dada.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth

 

 

HR says Now You Need a Job?

by doitalldadyear

Why do Stay-at-Home Dads struggle with getting job interviews? Most companies aren’t into hooking up with bearded ladies.

Why are you so eager to re-enter the workforce again? Cause this Stay-at-Home Dad can’t the fight the feeling of unwanted loser at the playground anymore.

Now you need a job, after a 2 year vacation from life. I’m too funny to sell life insurance. Nobody will take me seriously.

I hear testosterone levels are low for Stay-at-Home Dads. But we haven’t even discussed hard numbers yet.

Did you chose to be a Stay-at-Home Dad? Recruiters get less respect on the job, so I can’t complain.

Stay-at-Home Dads are lazy. Pay me to work harder then.

I question your planning skills. How so? Real men don’t play nanny or plan household chores on purpose ever.

I question your organization skills to. How so? You’re a Stay-at-Home Dad. Only monks become eunuchs on purpose.

You post edgy jokes on Facebook. I’m just consumed with desire to piss off my father.

So why are you worth meeting again? Sometimes, star power rubs off through osmosis.

I still question your commitment issues. 3 kids, a wife & a mortgage isn’t enough social proof for you.

The End

By,

Michael Kornbluth